Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from their Dollar Car Rental Studio, this is the Dave Ramsey Show, where America hangs out to have a conversation about your life and your money. I'm John Villone, joined here by the second handsomest guy on the team, Mr. Christopher Hogan. We're here to take your calls about life, about money. Chris, how are we doing?

We're doing great. I think you need to get your eyes checked because I have the face for radio.

You do have we both have a face for radio, and I'm fine with it, but I'm excited.

Man you're in the driver's seat and I'm co-pilot. We've never done this. This is new for you. I am excited to tag along this ride with you. And let's see how many people we can help. Let's do it.

All right. Let's go out to Katie in Philadelphia. By the way, give us a call at eight two five five two two five. Katie already has it's eight two five five to 2005. Life, money, relationships, all of it. Let's go to Katie. Katie, how are we doing today?

Hi, Dr. Jon. And hi, Chris. I'm doing well. How are you? Outstanding. Outstanding. As my friend Chris is focused, yet not finished. How can I help you?

I have a life question today, so I was wondering about how to tell young children about a pregnancy after you've had pregnancy loss in the past. So I have a three year old and a five year old, and last year I had a late miscarriage and or the year before that, actually, and then I had a stillbirth. So both of those were pretty traumatic for the kids, especially my five year old. So, so. And now I'm 12 weeks pregnant.

Oh, congratulations.

OK, congratulations. Well, so. I don't want to speak into your world, OK, but the way you just said this was you're worried about their hearts and their trauma and how this impacted them, which is noble and fair. But I want to make sure that you're honoring your own challenges, dear to. Is that fair? Yes. OK. All right, my wife and I have been down this road multiple times, multiple times. It was hard and multiple times.

I misunderstood just how hard it was.

Because I was only looking through my two eyes and I did not experience what my wife was experiencing, and so I want to make sure you feel fully at peace and you were fully supported in experiencing the challenges that both the joys and the fear and the excitement of all of this. So when it comes to talking to your kids, how did the conversation go last time? I think we probably told them around this time especially, well, they were two and four at that point and they were excited.

But I know after our second loss, my five year old especially really had a hard time. And so they both took it really well. We were excited when I was pregnant and the three year old was heating and we knew the baby had a life limiting condition. So we we knew we probably weren't going to get much time with him if he was born. So it wasn't so that we had, like, anticipated grief, basically in my five year old, a four year old.

And he kind of understood that to some extent, a little as much as a preschooler can. Yeah.

So here's here's kind of my rule of thumb.

Not kind of here is my rule of thumb.

You don't have to tell anybody anything until you're ready to tell anybody anything. And if you are nervous about the previous two.

You're nervous about talking to your kids again? There is no rush, there's no rule that says you have to tell everybody at 12 weeks that's become the generalized standard, right? At 12 weeks, you announce it to everybody, social media it up. Yeah.

And not everybody has dealt with the depth and power of the loss you've dealt with.

So you don't owe anybody anything, guy. I would continue to honor the lives of the two babies who lost. And in my house, we refer to him by name. And my kids understand and occasionally, very rarely, once a year, once every couple years, I've got a 10 year old and a four and a half, almost five year old, they'll ask a question. And we speak openly and honestly in the house, and that took us several years to get there.

But you don't owe them any explanation any earlier than you're ready to give it to them. That said, when you decide to be open and talk to him, be honest with them. As our friend Rachel says, Cher don't scare, but be honest with them. And here's the one thing to watch out for as this. As your pregnancy progresses and you find yourself getting tense, as you find yourself getting nervous, when doctors appointments show up, when you find yourself waking up and suddenly your body feels a little bit different on that Saturday morning and you get panicked, understand your body's just trying to take care of you and understand that those little kids are going to absorb that anxiety.

They're going to absorb that absorb that tension.

And often little kids will turn around and make that tension their fault and they'll start trying to solve it for you.

And so letting them know in a careful, age appropriate way. And also let them know that we're praying for the baby, that we are going to continue to be hopeful and optimistic and joyful and also being honest about the past, all of that stuff kids can handle in age appropriate ways, you know, and they they don't do well with secrets and dishonesty. Yeah.

And Katie, I would tell you, they want to know how our mom and dad that they want to know you all are OK. And I think if they can know that you're OK, then that gives them permission to be OK. But I love what John is saying. And as far as honoring it and you being up front, but I don't want you to have to put on a strong face for others. You hurt, obviously, and you have excitement.

And I want you to be praying for you. And this is upcoming baby, but making sure that you're talking to him and being upfront. It sounds like you have been, which is a good thing because it'll it'll help him become more well-rounded and understanding and processing, especially if the door is open to be able to come talk about it openly.

There is a few things you can gift your kids, Chris, then the ability to show them to model for them, how to grieve, how to hurt. Here's what an adult looks like when they are hurting.

You know, if you hide that from your kids, they go through life thinking everything is wonderful. And then when they are hit with hurt for the first time, they don't have a model for what that looks like. It's a good point. They don't know what it looks like. Right.

And so let your kids know I'm really sad. Hmm. Let your kids know that we are so excited.

We're having a new baby and we still remember your brothers that we lost.

That's right. And that's hard. And nobody wants that. Those conversations don't come in our manual. Right, though, that that manual they didn't give us when we left the hospital the first time. Right. And that's the gritty, raw, ugly part of being a parent.

But it's also where generational legacies are changed. When you give kids tools that you may not have got yourself, when you teach kids what honesty looks like, when you teach kids what real emotion looks like.

And this just isn't with with pregnancy.

Oh, no, no. This is with life. I mean, I remember being a young man and my grandfather was burying his dad, and I'll never forget seeing him cry. And I thought, oh, my gosh, I'd never seen that man. Right. But now you have a picture of I suit and I knew it was OK to do. That's right. Because he did it forever. Yes, right. It's a gift. It's a gift.

It's not a weakness. It's just right. It's actually right.

Daddy will be praying for you, thinking about you. This is a blessed time in a scary time.

And we are here with you. This is the Dave Ramsey Show. There's almost always a rise and break ins this time of year, it's why simply safe home security is having a huge holiday sale. Recently, U.S. News and World Report called it the best home security of 2020. So whether you're traveling or staying put this season, protect your home, get 40 percent off, simply safe. Plus, a free security camera today by visiting simply safe, direct dotcom hurry.

This deal expires on Friday. That's simply safe direct dotcom. This is the Dave Ramsey Show, I'm John Deloney here with my co-host, Chris Hogan. We're here to talk about your life and your money. Listen, Christmas is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. And, Chris, I can't think of any moment in this year that needs to be injected with more joy and more laughter than right now.

I agree. Thanksgiving and Christmas. Yes, we need to embrace these holiday seasons like we never have before. Please. Yes.

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And Rachel Kruse's latest book, Know Yourself and Know Your Money.

Oh, that book comes with it. Yeah. OK, that's brand new.

It's brand new. OK. For the last 30 years they've been talking about dealing with your money issues, deal with your money issues, make the best decision right now, make the best decision tomorrow. And Rachel goes all the way back and says, here's where that stuff comes from.

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Dude, I'm the worst about realistic budget plan.

Share your dreams for the future and then make those dreams happen together. The Ramsey plus marriage bundle is the perfect investment in your relationship all year long. Go to Dave Ramsey dotcom slash store to get it today. That's Dave Ramsey, dotcom slash store. All right. Let's go to Victoria and Albuquerque, New Mexico. Victoria, how are we doing today, guys?

I'm just living the dream out here. How are you guys doing today? The exact same. The exact same time. So how can we help? So this must be kid in life our today, because this is also not money related. But I'm hoping you guys can give me some good practical advice today regarding intentional parenting. I love it. So my husband, I have an adorable five year old little boy who's a neurotypical kid. We also have a two and a half year old little boy who also is adorable.

He is severely disabled. So he has a lot of medical needs, which means you spend a lot of time at therapy, is a lot of time at doctors appointments, lots of stress, lots of research on my hands. Right. So what I'm concerned about is the sibling dynamic between my two boys is different than what I experienced as a kid and is different than what I expected. And I know I'm not going to get a perfect but my goal is to keep my oldest kind of between the goal posts like he's a great kid, but I want to make sure I don't overcompensate.

And he thinks it's all about him. Right. But I don't under compensate and he thinks it's all about his his brother. Right. So how do I do that and how do I know when I'm getting it wrong?

Well, Victoria, I can tell you this as a father of a special needs boy, my youngest son case is special needs and it requires therapies and and it's had a cognitive as well as physical impact. And he's got two older brothers. And so, you know, one of the things that I really want to encourage you with with this is this is your new normal, OK? And you said something that was crucial. You said it wasn't the kind of sibling thing you grew up with and it wasn't what you expected.

But here you are, right. Here you are.

And I firmly believe the Lord gives us won't ever give us more than we can bear. And so even that that child is a gift for you, because you are you have what it takes to be able to guide him. And I would tell you, it's hard and it's repetitive. Let me say it one more time. It's hard and it's repetitive. But in this new normal, I think you've got a great opportunity to help your your your typical child really kind of begin to understand that, develop a heart for understanding what exactly his brother's dealing with.

And I think in looking at that, one of the things I used to say a lot to my older boys is that their younger brother doesn't understand him. And so he doesn't understand what you understand or his brain doesn't work like yours. And so when you say things in these kinds of things that I would tell them, it's OK for you to get upset, but just understand. He doesn't understand. And so it's really one of those things where you're almost you're there to be a guide to help them, but you're you're helping to model.

Now, here's what I'm going to tell you. My boys are now 16, 15, and my youngest special needs boys, 13. I'm going to tell you right now, his brother's come to his aid and work with him in ways that will just make my heart melt. And it's amazing because you go over those years of repeating those years of man, will they ever get it, you know, be nice to him, be kind. He did.

You know, and you see it. And I'm going to tell you something. You taking the time to explain and sit down with that five year old and hold it hold his hands and look at him and just say, hey, your brother doesn't understand like you do, and I want you to say it again slower. And I want you to say it so much that what you're doing is you're piercing his heart for him to really begin to get this understanding that that his little brother can't help himself.

And what will happen is as his heart will start to turn now, it doesn't mean that he doesn't get to be five or six or seven and get frustrated, but have him come to you with that frustration, not at his younger brother, and just work with him and love on him both. And I'm going to tell you this last thing, because I can talk on this for an hour. The things that you have to go to the therapist, Lord knows, sitting in those doctor's appointments or heaven forbid, sitting in a surgery center, what I want you to do is make the best of those times with your five year old, make the thing, this rhythm of life, that, yeah, we are going to the doctor, but we're going to do this after the doctor and whether it's getting a sucker or something and just do that.

But I want you to tell you this, and I'll Husham, the doctor I'm in. I want you to make sure, Victorio, that you get a group around you that loves you, that allows you to be you, and that allows you to let your hair down and hurt when you hurt. And so you can be real. You're Wonder Woman right now as you're raising these two kids. But you need somebody to let you just be a woman.

And that's someone with feelings and emotions. Yes, ma'am.

And Chris is able to speak on this from lived experience. I've worked with special needs kids and young adults and their parents for years. Here's a couple of things to just keep in your back pocket. One of the greatest gifts you can give both of those kids is to have a really strong marriage.

And your marriage is going to look different now. And y'all are going to grieve this these differences differently, though. And I want you to give yourselves permission to grieve and don't beat yourselves up and feel guilty. The picture looks different. And like you said, it's not what you had drawn up, but it's what you got. And it's OK to have those Saturdays when you just find yourself sitting in the floor of the kitchen crying real hard.

This just sucks. And it does. And it sucks that you're young baby. Your two year old, your adorable little boy is going to have these challenges and struggles. But check in and make sure you and your husband have a great marriage. The second thing is, is is it going to be exhausting? And I know I'm piling on here, but make sure you've got regular check ins with your five year old regular mom, dates that you can find peace in, that your husband can take him on a special fishing trip, even if it's just to a hole in the ground over there in the five or five in Albuquerque.

Right. You're not going to catch any fish in Albuquerque, but you're going to try. Right? Not the point, but it's just intentional.

And if you've got to put your five year old on the calendar, there's going to be a part of that you're going to get used to because you're not going to feel like that's what mom is supposed to do. It's in a different situation. And I want to I'll leave this I'll leave you with this.

You're going to have to practice. And this isn't a skill that we all have. You're going to have to practice Grace for yourself when you have those mean thoughts.

You're going to have to practice. Grace, when your husband told you he was listening to how the the medicines are supposed to go and where the appointment is and he's going to screw that up, you're gonna have to have Grace there.

You're going to have to have Grace when you guys have a year, a trip planned for a year and suddenly a surgery pops up and it just devastates you. You're just going to have to learn to live lives of grace. And as Chris said, what's going to happen on the back end of this, the meaning that you and your family are going to be able to make?

Yeah, you're going to raise that five year old neurotypical boy to be a empathetic man of compassion. He will change his communities. He will change his neighborhoods. He will be an extraordinary husband, an extraordinary father, because he knows how to put other people's glasses on.

Right. He's able to get in someone else's heart and mind and understand that his experiences aren't the only experience and that sometimes the greatest thing you can do for one another is to serve each other. Hmm. You're in it now, Victoria. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be long. And we love you. And wow, what a blessing you are.

Those two little boys don't do it alone. Lean on each other and you and your husband support each other, use your words, talk about how you feel and get him some men around him that he can talk to as well. Life is not meant to be done alone. Hang in there, girl. You're doing good things. This is the Dave Ramsey Show. This is the Dave Ramsey Show, I'm John Deloney here with my co-host and good friend Chris Hogan.

We are taking your calls about life money, triple eight eight two five five two two five, triple eight eight to five five two, two, five.

Now, Jon, hold on. Before we get back to the phone, I need to tell people we have some shows. We do have some shows like we didn't just hijack Dave Ramsey show.

We have our own. That's right. And so we want to let you know, John's got to show the Dr. John Delonas show new episodes drop in every Monday, went to a priority on YouTube. And you can find it anywhere that you listen to podcasts. John's getting real on life relationships and mental challenges and just helping people get the tools they need so you can cut through the chaos of anxiety, depression and disconnection and really start to plug in and truly get focused.

Now, you finally, finally have something that you can let the people buy. That's right. OK, and I've been telling you, I've said, John, listen, I think you've got a couple of little wisdoms in you. You need to let them out. You need to write them down. And lo and behold, you did it.

Lo and behold, what what do you have there?

I've got this new new quick read. It's only about eighty pages. You can read it in a couple hours. You you could get this done in a week, Chris. You really put your heart and mind to it. You can do it. It's called redefining anxiety.

Let's here rookie handed here. I'm see you're still new, you talk about it, you've got to show the people so they can see it. There you go. Redefining anxiety. Now, what were you saying?

I was saying I'm sick of people. Being told that anxiety is going to be forever, that it's the way they were wired, it's the way they're a broken machine, I'm sick of it. So we put together this. It's a laser beam, ma'am. It's short. There's no fluff. And if you have followed me at all, I talk too much. I'm full of a lot of fluff sometimes, but this gets right to the point. It is selling more than I could have ever dreamed it has.

Folks are picking it up and I'm grateful for it. But pick it up 10 bucks. You can buy it as a part of the giant Remzi book sale. Hey, listen to this.

I'm doing 49. Let your emotions, anger, anxiety, sadness inform you, but don't let them rule you. I like that. So looking at this and I have John's. Give me a copy. He even signed it. He charged me twenty dollars for it. But that's fine. But I want you to grab a copy of this, because not only will this help you in your journey, because at some point we're all going to hit anxiety.

But here's the other thing, you know of somebody that's in the middle of it and what better way to have some tools to be able to help them walk through this process? And so, again, great opportunity. Grab John's book, 80 page, quick read. You can find it at John Delaney Dotcom and at our bookstore. But also he's got his show. If you've got a question. And I know a lot of times some people are fine to call in.

Others would prefer to email. You can do that. You can email him at Asbjorn at Ramsey Solutions dot com, or you can call them eight four four six nine three three two nine one.

All right, let's go to the phones. Let's get a money question in here. So Chris is not so bored. Let's go to Cassandra. I'm in Michigan.

Cassandra, how are we doing? Good, how are you guys? Outstanding, how can we help? I have a question. I know this is usually a no.

Oh, you really call when you get, you know, the answer, but you're going to ask me anyway.

I know, but I was hoping to listen now. Yes, ma'am. Oh, she got the ball before she did. She said listen now. All right. Yes, ma'am. Go right ahead.

OK, I we started the Dave Ramsey program in twenty sixteen December. Yes, ma'am. And we paid all our debt off by 15 months and we paid our house. Thank you, sir. Just this past May. Twenty twenty. Congratulations.

Where to go in the middle of a pandemic. You all paid off your house.

We did. That's amazing. We have three children. Yes, ma'am. Yep. Yep. Three children. One was finishing up her nursing degree during all this and we were helping her pay for that because she had taken out student loans. We didn't want her to take out any more. OK, and then my son started twenty nineteen and followed nursing program as well. So we're cash flowing him. Well, we're paying off the house as well. OK, and I have my third child graduating this coming spring and she will be in college.

I'll go into community colleges. So we're not going to big university. Yes ma'am. And we're trying to cash flow all this on top of say, for a couple of cars because both our cars have almost two hundred thousand miles on them, on top of windows for our house that we're trying to save for. So I'm just wondering if in this circumstance we could take not all of it, but some of it out of our retirement. We have one point seven million and they're OK with this care and take advantage of a little bit of that money to help us.

But we don't feel so strapped.

So what's your household income right now? 160, OK, you don't have a mortgage payment in your cash for community college and you're saying you're trying to save up for a couple of cars, why can't you do that with your money that you're making the 160? We are, yeah. You know, we just feel like we're still very strapped.

OK, well well, no, I have these kids heard of this word. I'm about to say it, Chris. Don't say it.

It's called work. Yes, do they all work? OK, I guess I didn't mention that for the books, for college. We're just paying for the classes. They pay for all their books and they are working OK.

So it sounds like you're going to have to make some decisions about priorities while you're in the middle of the season. And you may have to yeah, you may have to say we're going to get windows in two years instead of 18 months, you're going to have to pick and choose. You're trying to do it all. Let me say, you know, the answer to that is no, I don't want you pulling money out of your 401k. Hold on.

I want to answer a money question, Cassandra. No, no, because here's the thing.

Your everyday millionaires, you guys have a strong income. I'm so proud of you for what you've done. I'm so proud that you paid off your house in the middle of this pandemic that you've been able to support your kids. I mean, you're doing a great job. What I don't want you to do is go backwards. And I agree with what John is saying. You just need to make some priorities. Windows may have to wait till 2024. Let's get these kids.

But here's the other thing. Scholarships, grants. Let's let's get these kids. They sound like they're hyperintelligent, so they might not qualify if they were to look into attempt that. But no, I don't want you to pull money out of your four one K you guys are everyday millionaires. Congratulations. Love it. You can Cash-Flow this. And as far as the cars, these kids, they can work another job that they're paying for their books is great.

I like that. Let's have them chip in a little bit more. They sound like able bodied people. Their mom and dad been working all their lives. Let's let them get a dose of reality because here's the deal. At some point, they've got to get off the gravy train, right? There's an exit there. There's an exit ramp. It's called adulthood. And they need they need to go home, get on there and going down that ramp.

Well, here's here's what I've heard parents starting to mention now. They paid for kid no one's college. They mortgaged their souls to get that went through the second kid. They said, hey, we're not need to go to that school. We're going to go to this school. Then a pandemic hits. Then they've got these priorities and dreams and then they've got this mom and dad killed this.

Well, we did it for Susie and we did it for Billy. So we have to figure out a way to sacrifice, to change, to dip into our retirement so that little Timmy gets the same thing in a great lesson you can teach your kids is that life's not fair. That's right.

That the world shifts underneath us. And sometimes we have plans, we've got dreams. We have them all mapped out, and then a pandemic hits and then dad loses his job and college tuition triples in the matter of a few years, whatever the thing is. Right. And it's about being honest and upfront and open and transparent with your kids not doing something.

And if everyone ran their home like Cassandra did, we have no problems and worry. No, no. They're rock stars. They're absolute rock stars.

Right. What you're you're right. It's that guilt she's feeling that mom and dad guilt. I got to figure out how to do this right.

And I would much rather you transfer some of that to that guilt from guilt to responsibility. That's right. To these young people. And let them work more and say, hey, next semester you need to have ten grand, you know, saved up not only your books, but ten grand towards your tuition. And so if each one of them is able to do that now, you've just relieved yourself. And again, you're helping them grow and helping them to feel that.

So, Cassandra, you guys, 160 thousand a year, you have strong income. You can help your kids a little bit. Let them help themselves replace your cars until the windows. They've got to wait till 2024. You're going to do this girl and leave that money alone. You're never everyday millionaire. What you get ready to enjoy and travel. Take me with you and John. We'll put John in the trunk. No, just Chris. Cassandra, I like Nashville.

This is the Dave Ramsey Show. This is the Dave Ramsey Show, I'm John Deloney here with my co-host and good friend Chris Hogan. Chris Hogan is Chris Hogan, 360 Dotcom, the host and owner operator of the Chris Hogan Show, where he talks to with everyday millionairess, talks with people on how to grow their wealth, how to make good decisions with money, how to make good decisions together with their families and to grow it. Chris, how's your show doing, man?

Man, we are having a lot of fun. Jon, I tell you, one of my favorite segments that we do, we do. It's panicked or pumped. And what people do is write in and talk to me about what they're panicked about. It could be a debt. It could be that they feel like they're behind or just financial, but they also tell me what they're pumped about. So a different so I take a panicked email and a pumped email and people tell me what they're excited about because I'll tell them, listen, life's not meant to be done alone.

So when you hit a milestone, you paid off all your debt or you paid off your car right in and tell us about so we can celebrate you. So that's a lot of fun.

I've made that adjustment on my show. I started shows with things that annoyed me, just trying to be cute and cynical and goofy.

And then I realized, man, I'm just contributing to more negative nonsense out in the world.

Oh, and I love that you're not only asking for what are people panicked about, but pump. But you're also taking a moment to say, I'm going to inject some joy out into the world somewhere.

We have to, man. I mean, you know, you you handle a lot of tough stuff.

We were talking about it at the break. Heavy stuff, but some stuff that people may have packed around for years and they're going, you know, I like your bricks. In the backpack analogy, John has a talk where he talks about these things that we can pack around in life and they end up slowing you down and weighing you down. You're not even aware of it, but people are unpacking that stuff with you.

It can be heavy. Yep. And it's serious, too. And so, you know, the fact that you're trying to help them walk through that and be real with it is is is necessary right now.

But we're also taking calls. And if if your husband's a good guy, shoot me an email.

Let me know you need some positives and some positives out there. If you remember a good elementary school teacher, let's let's give her a shout out. We're going to we're going to put joy. I love the panic. And that's fantastic.

Kelly should be emailing you about me telling you how nice and kind and sweet I am. That's probably never going to happen.

Ever going to. Let's go to Drew in Los Angeles, California. I tried, Brother Drew. How are we doing?

I'm doing good. Kristen, how are you guys?

Outstanding. Outstanding. How can we help, ma'am? So I've been a fan for about two years. I've, you know, tried to live by the baby steps and everything. And about a little over a year ago, I got married and, you know, I brought my then fiancee. And, you know, I listen to Dave Ramsey almost to the point where she hates it. And that's a good way to start a marriage.

Well done, Drew. I'm making great impression.

But I still once we got married, I said, OK, let's combine everything. So, you know, I thought, you know, we were going to combine bank accounts, which we did essentially. But then the debt that she brought with her that then became ours. I said, let's combine that so we can pay it off together. Well, now she feels like she just needs to pay it herself as a punishment for herself, for being for being so crazy or dumb with money before we got married.

And I told her, it doesn't matter. I just want to get rid of it, just like in the baby steps. And she says, no, I will deal with it because it was my mistake. Oh, God, how can I get her to break this mentality? I just know that's not a hand up for me. It's her husband. Taking care of what we need to take care of, right? Right. How much debt is it true that she that that she has before y'all got married?

About 15000. OK. Is that what kind of debt is that? Student loan, credit card. OK, that's it. OK, yeah, she she's still trying to adjust to the married way of thinking. And I think it's that mindset and it will be you repeating yourself over and over again. And I loved listening to you because you even were using the correct pronouns. You were saying her and my then you were saying our and it's ours.

And I think, you know, with this thing, it's not necessarily that you are trying to be the knight in shining armor to save the day. It's a matter that you guys are being team members, locking arms and attacking this threat to your financial future. And so in the way that you're addressing it, I would say this. We're going to Jedi mind trick or drew here, as well as how we're going to do it. You down with Star Wars.

You know about that? You're absolutely Jedi mind trick. Here's the deal, we're not going to just talk about the debt. What I want you to do is talk about your dreams. What are the things you all want to go do together? What are the things that make her excited? Is it about having a family one day? Is it traveling? I want you to know her heart like the back of your hand. And then what I want you to do is, is move this and say, you know what?

This this is my heart. This is your heart. This is what you want to do. Look at what's standing in our way. And it's the debt. It's you all working as a team. It's going to get you to that dream faster.

Hey, Drew, are you a problem solver, huh? Yeah, I'm actually an engineer. Oh, yeah.

I tell you what, you all day, if this doesn't work out for me, I'm going to start one of those palm reading shows like Miss Cleo. Yeah, Miss Cleo. All right, Drew, not to typecast you, but I could tell in the one minute you told me what was going on in your heart and mind and marriage, you are somebody that when your wife is struggling, you have some rational, clear, easy answers. And you love giving them to her because you love her and you want to solve that problem in a quick and efficient way.

And one thing that I often tell guys, especially engineers, especially engineers with great hearts. Is that your wife is not a problem to solve? She's not a broken engine and she's not a puzzle to solve. She's a person to be with. So here's your here's your homework assignment for the next 30 days. You ready? Ready whenever she's struggling, whenever she comes home from work, whenever she mentioned something about her, quote unquote, stupid or dumb decisions.

I don't want you to solve that problem. I don't want you to give her advice. I don't want you to give her wisdom. I want you to look her in her eyes. And I want you to say that sucks. Thank you for sharing that with me. And just let listen, you're laughing because, you know, just let the the the pause sit there and she may pass out because she's used to you giving her info.

Drew is going to bite his tongue, trying to not say the rest of the stuff. That's what he wants to say. Just swallow the blood from the tongue that you. But just hang into it and just say that. No, you're right. It's hard. It's so hard.

True. But here's here's the thing. I guarantee you, your wife's not dumb. She's brilliant. She's smart. She's probably hilarious. It takes a hilarious, smart person to marry an engineer, right?

That's absolutely true. Yeah.

And listen, she probably doesn't need your advice on everything, what she needs. And here's why I'm getting it for her to finally own that. She's not an idiot. She's got to have a safe place to land. And right now, she's got a informant, she's got a basically a second dad, somebody who's giving her info all of the time, and that's not saying that you're a bad guy. In fact, I think the exact opposite. I think you love her deeply and you're trying to figure out ways she needs a safe place to land.

And she's going to land in a safe place when she feels like she is can just be fully herself and not live out of these dumb, hmm. Crazy things. And again, they're not democrazy. She made many mistakes before she knew better. That's right. Right. And that's the old name in there, the old Maya Angelou. And here's the thing. Not only is this going to be helpful for you now, but in the future, because Drew didn't marry a child to raise.

No, he married a teammate. That's right. So he needs that teammate to reach their full potential so she can be there to support him. And so this is a two way street. Yeah, I like what you're saying about asking, acknowledging and listening without trying to solve.

And occasionally I'll ask my wife when there's when I can feel that tension. In that pause, I'll say, are you asking me for my insight here? Do you have to have your permission for advice? Yeah. What does she say? Most of the time she'll say, I'm good, brother, and I'm good.

I don't need your insight here.

I just need you I want you to help all those men out here. Okay? So we're supposed to acknowledge that it was hard. When you hear something say that must be tough. What do we do with all the other words and advice that we have? That's what's helpful in that moment. If we're not supposed to talk, what do we do with it? We just tell me.

We breathe it out, breathe them out your nose. That's right. I want to think producer James Child, an associate producer. Kelly Daniel, I want to thank all the guys back there, all the engineers. I'm breathing out.

My words keep going. I can smell you.

Let me smell those words. I want to thank you so much for joining us. This is The Dave Ramsey Show. Hey, guys, this is Kelly, associate producer of The Dave Ramsey Show. Did you know over 60 million people listen to the Dave Ramsey Show every week? And a lot of those people listen on one of our 600 plus radio stations across the country to find a station near you. Head to Dave Ramsey, dot com slash. Money isn't the only thing we talk about around here, get life changing advice on your career from my good friend and career expert Ken Coleman.

Oh, my Ken Coleman show. According to a recent Gallup poll, nearly 70 percent of Americans are disengaged at work. If you dread going into work every Monday morning and you're just trying to make it to the weekend, the Ken Coleman show is for you. Everyone has a sweet spot. Your sweet spot is at the intersection of your greatest talent and greatest passion. We will help you discover what it is you were born to do, and then we'll help you create a plan to make your dream job a reality.

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Hey, it's James, producer of The Dave Ramsey Show. This episode is over, but check the episode notes for links to products and services you've heard about during this episode. Thanks for listening.