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[00:00:02]

We're back back to the distraction of Drew, that's rather you doing wrong. I'm good, man. How are you? It's snowing. It's snowing. Yeah, we love it. I what? I love it because I live in a place where, like, every snow forecast turns to shit, like, it's like, oh, we're like six inches of snow.

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And then the focus like actually no, it's three actually votes to actually know what it's sleet. And then you get nine inches of sleet for like eight months and it sucks.

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I hate it. I know we're in for like a proper thing. I've been over the last few years. New York has been pioneering in continuing. Our trend is a national leader. Usually snow turns to slush pretty quickly here. But we've had the last few years, it's just been coming down as slush, which I think is really efficient.

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It's kind of like the like the Moneyball of having wet socks all day long.

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It's it's awful. And I not I am not a even though even though I come from Minnesota and I and I like I talk about the Vikings to an annoying degree, like I don't support like Michele Bachmann's or Minnesota. Minnesota does not have a lot of things going for it. But like the weather, you get a snow pack, like the snow stays, like it sticks around. You can do snow fun snow things in Minnesota. Yeah, I like that.

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It's colder than death.

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But, you know, hey, we have a guest this week, David Ross.

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Is it is it former Congressman Michele Bachmann and. Well, it's not it's it's extremely talented and wonderful.

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Comedian James Austin Johnson. Hi, James. How are you? Hi, everybody.

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Hi. I Drew and David. It's so great to meet you guys. Not on the Internet, but on the Internet here on a video conference.

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Yes, it's a totally different medium because you can see how jowly I am.

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I can see you guys. You can see me. You can see that I'm merely just, you know, a sad man gaining weight in obscurity in the ashes of Hollywood after our fearless leader murdered the entertainment industry.

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And here I stand. And now I'm a Trump impersonator, which is the most noble pursuit, I would say, in comedy, really in media and media.

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I think in many ways it's the bravest thing that you can be. I am so. I am. So are you're done right? Like, you don't need to do this shit anymore.

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I, I'm going to have to to some degree. And there are you know, Tony Tamanac is the best Trump. I'm going to I'm going to go on the record here on your on your podcast and say that I think that Anthony Ataman Trump is the the order. That's the order.

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Trump Yes. More Trump in the gold standard. It's been the gold standard for forever. He said that he as soon as Trump loses, he's done with it. And I don't blame him because he's kind of been he's honestly, to me, been the only funny Trump since 2015. And my version is a little different. And am I ready to not do it anymore? Yes. Am I tired of doing cameos for people as Trump roasting their parents cats?

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Yes. Do I do I want to be a Trump guy going forward and known as a guy who speaks about Trump professionally? No. Will I keep doing this all the time? Yes, probably. Yes.

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Yeah, that's all I remember. I interviewed James Adamian and this was years ago. This was after when when Obama was coming in, I wrote a story for The New Republic about sort of like the collapse of the Bush impersonator economy, that there were people that like I don't mean as a comedian and a genius. And so it's a different sort of thing. But there were guys that just kind of looked like Bush that would go to trade shows and get up there and be like, you know, you guys want to hear me do 9/11 stuff.

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And they'd be like, Oh, we love you, sir. And that was his whole gig. And the Adamian, I asked him about doing the impression and he was like, I cannot fucking wait to stop. He's like, it hurts my face. I remember the phrase Dem monkey smirk was the phrase that he used to describe of having to do George W. Bush's face.

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I you know what?

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It's I think it's especially hard for someone like Adamian who is like he's like a true intellectual, like he's actually thoughtful about a lot of the stuff. I am a idiot. I don't know anything about politics. I am not a good advocate or ally for anything. I actually believe and I don't read books that aren't Star Wars expanded universe paperbacks from 1985.

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So I, I feel like a dummy and has a heavier weight on his shoulders because he actually is intelligent and thoughtful and an activist. And I don't think I'm I don't think I can say I'm I'm any of those things maybe intelligent. But thoughtful? No, I'm callous, and that's what makes the impression work going to blow smoke up your ass. But one of the reasons I like the impression when I heard it was that you nailed like the the affect, which is that Trump cannot pause, like there's no periods and anything he says.

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Yeah, it's just one it's one run on sentence that goes on for like fucking eight years. Yeah. But then also the fact that you didn't and I know you talked to our friends, the discourse about it, you you've made a sort of conscious decision to not have him talking about politics like he's just talking about like 100 Gex, like a 500 a thousand gigs like and that's like X we're doing that.

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And that's the thing like like that's him like like he literally could have been doing anything else and been the same stupid, arrogant piece of shit. Let's just he happens to be president, but his like his M.O. is applicable whether he's talking about anything and has been even before he was president, just a stupid asshole who like who talked about like what he saw on TV before that. And he said that now. But it's him who's on the TV.

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I feel I don't know if there are a lot of Republicans that feel duped by duped by him. I know that I've been here in Nashville, Tennessee, with my alternately staying at my parents house and my my wife's family are also they also live here. And I've been talking to a lot of people who did vote for Trump and who traditionally vote Republican. And they're all just exhausted. They're tired of this guy basically standing in the way of all of their action plan, like the it's settling in that he he hasn't turned out a lot of material gains that reflect the the wishes of the McConnell Lites, other than just pure obstruction, other than just like undoing things and stopping things like this, like the emotional experience of like making libs cry.

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I'd say he's delivered on that. But yeah, if you wanted more than that. No, you have not gotten it.

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Yeah. If you wanted more than sort of a symbolic nod to what you're hoping for, I mean, I think he really is. I think he's the right's Obama. I think he has this he's this symbol of like a vague promise of hope for for a lot of the people on the right. It's like, no, he means a lot. And I'm like, yeah, but what does it translate to? And they're like, war still happen all the time.

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And I don't have that much more money. So like, to me, it's he's he's pretty empty. And he he could you're right. He could be doing anything.

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He could be he's literally the villain of any kids movie that that was, that was the first thing that struck me when when he was when his name was getting batted around to for the nomination way back, I was like, have you ever seen one movie?

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So yeah. You've seen one movie. Right. And the guy who the guy who either falls in the pit of acid in the Batman movie or the guy who like farts and and ends up in a big, like, full body cast by the end, being like Frankie Muniz, I can't believe you. You got the Christmas party started without me.

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You know, he's he's the villain in a Disney Channel original movie. And he has one song that rips. He has his beachwear, Jeremy Irons moment, but he's not much more than that. And Frankie Muniz will win and he will and he will be sipping a virgin daiquiri on a tropical beach as the credits roll in a Blink 182 song plays.

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So, yeah, any any of the buddy's movies, you'll be the bad guy and like space buddies. Spooky buddy. Yes. He'll be the one who would want to, like, turn the buddies into, like, puppy soup.

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I'm giving him way too much credit. You're right.

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He's definitely he's definitely the bad guy in a dog movie and not even one of those modlin Christian dog movies with Dennis Quaid and Milo Ventimiglia, just a boilerplates secular shitty dog, just just a shitty cash grab of CGI mouths on on four adorable puppies, baby golden retrievers.

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Yeah. I was thinking when you were talking about the idea of him, it's like both, you know, the central character of American politics and then also like an obvious off the rack villain of like a Zack Snyder reboot of Pee wee's Big Adventure that focuses on the awful rich kid with the pool. Oh, yeah.

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Is that is Francis. Is it Francis? That's Francis. Francis, yeah. He's so Rubenesque.

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I'm listening.

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The reason I. Oh, man. I'm going to miss him. He is hilarious, intentionally and unintentionally hilarious, which a lot of the great comedians have that thing.

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And it's just such a shame to me that Donald Trump doesn't have the final piece of the triangle that a lot of the great comedians have, which is a massive substance abuse problem that killed at 40s or 50s.

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And there would be so much fun. Much more fun if you are an alcoholic, and he would be funnier.

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I mean, let's be honest, I don't want to encourage drug use or substance abuse on the show, but I do think about how hilarious he would be if he was like a true Coke head. If he was a true alcoholic, he would just be saying the funniest stuff all the time.

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I feel like it'd be the same stuff and the same type of stuff. But just playing at 45 rpm instead of 33, which isn't that.

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I mean, I want that.

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I absolutely I mean, he's already like the stuff that you I think Nhill as well with this too, is that like he's just kind of riffing all the time about the shit that he cares about. And most of the stuff that he cares about is like, you know, whatever he saw, like a whatever a rerun of like Married with children.

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And like, Peg was very rude to Al. And this is like unacceptable behavior or whatever. But that like if if it was that.

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But then also he literally didn't even get the four hours of sleep that he gets a night now. And also had, like scummy or hangers on, like if you replace, like Mike Flynn with like an actual just a drug dealer.

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Yeah, like I think that there's levels you could reach.

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A guy like this is basically a small town podcast or like divorce him from divorce him from the privilege and wealth that came from his, you know, KKK, real estate mogul family. And he is just a dude who collects like Final Fantasy seven posters in his mom's basement. And he's, you know, he's 48 and he's still doing the Screamy podcast and a blindly Insull podcast about how women are unfair to him and don't want to date him. And he's supposed to be talking about Cloud and Tifa and he just can't get around to it.

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It's called it's called the Lifestream Pod. But he just talks about women who hate him and the FBI tracks his every move and all his purchases on Craigslist. And I think it's really that he he just the fact that he had access to the college prep pipeline at all, that he had access to that world of elites as a kid, even from outside looking in as it was, even by not being able to relate to them on any you know, he didn't read he didn't read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe with the rest of the class or anything.

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He could never like to talk to them. Yeah. And meet them on the elite intellectual side. But he did probably have like a cool little Polaroid he got of, like women's underwear or something. He probably had something that did he had some sort of exchange with those people cut off from that entire world in New York. He's he's just a screaming podcast and probably would be in prison for doing something drastic to get on the news, something murder, something showy like that.

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It's like chaining himself to a theater that was showing the Ghostbusters remake.

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That was all women. Yeah. That would be really important to him.

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I just I try not to get too far into that school shooter personality too much with him because I'm not very funny.

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It's not very funny. Yeah.

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When I, I think school shooters are hilarious literally before, before my, before my before the Trump administration took over really actually before covered a lot of my act was talking about those kinds of dudes because that was the kind of dude that I think we were processing a lot in the zeitgeist was the the walking Phoenix Joker type guy. And I had a lot of material about all that stuff and I thought it was really fascinating. And either I got tired of that or or when I took that philosophy to how I would be talking about Trump on stage, I just noticed that when I left my left wing anger come out as I'm doing my Trump impression early on when I was developing it on stage, I noticed just the audience pulling back.

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I think people liked that I was sounding like Trump and that I was starting to get the nasal stuff right and and and all that stuff. But I could feel the material itself. I all of the material that I was doing, like, we're going to kill everybody. Everybody who doesn't like me is going to die.

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And I'm going to we're going to pour the lighter fluid or all of those. We're going to we're going to burn Grosz's.

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I was like more explicitly white supremacist and and murderous because I, you know, that sort of fit with the darkness of some of the subjects I would talk about in my standup people.

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That's also that's like that's like standups on Twitter like and I'm guilty of this too, where, you know, feel like it's like you have a favorite comedian and you follow him on Twitter to be jokey. But really, it's like, well, I need to talk to you about how important the Georgia Senate race is.

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Yeah, I know that. I'm aware of that. I can get that information.

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I engage. I engage with journalists. It's OK. I don't need to be told the news during a comedy show. John Oliver, that's like overall that's a major issue in comedy.

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That is just one of the million reasons why Trump comedy sucks, which there are a lot of articles being written about that right now. And I kind of agree. I've I've spoken to people, writers about, you know, the content of those articles and stuff that I interviewed for those. And there are some things to be talking about there. But one of the things that I figured out, because people are like, why is your Trump impression? Why do you think it's funny?

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And it's because of the abstraction it was about it's about taking taking the voice that I think people people were silent and listening. Obviously, it had something. The cartwheel I was doing was interesting, but the material of it would make everybody feel nasty.

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I mean, you don't want to hear Stephen Colbert telling you in it every day. You don't want to hear great comedians tell you what he did. You already heard Don Lemon crying about it for four hours before he went. Right.

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So so abstracting it and making. What about Banjo Kazuki or, you know, Nilla Wafers or something that definitely helped kick in to what stand up and comedy I think are supposed to do, which is supposed to be not that it's supposed to it's just supposed to make you laugh, but it's people stopped laughing. So how do I get it into that thing where we're actually doing the late night comedy thing, processing the news of the day and getting it out and falling asleep and not having a nightmare.

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And the abstractions, I don't know.

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It's been good for me. But, you know, it's brought people to my Twitter page and stuff. I'm finding out, finding the right abstractions, and I can't do it, too. And sadly, I have to make them charming. That's the that's the rub of it. It's got to be you've got to like my Trump while you're watching or you won't watch it for more than a minute. So.

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Yeah, well, we're going to need we're going to need your charm because we brought you in for a very specific purpose. James Austin Johnson. And not to do your Trump impression, thank God, because it's the most wonderful time of the year.

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He's not that much singing, but there's going to be a little bit more singing.

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James Think it's a twenty twenty haters guide to the Williams-Sonoma catalog. Oh, yes, that's terrific.

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Are you familiar with the catalog? I you know what? I love Williams-Sonoma. I thought they were they were great. I'm doing a trumpet now in my regular voice because he asked me not to do the impression.

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No, you can do no, no, no. You know, Williams-Sonoma were really great. They got the hold on for just one more day song. I thought that was a really good one. And those are some beautiful ladies. I think she ended up doing spy and she ended up doing the girl boss and all the rest of them. I think she's really good. And we loved her in Gilmore Girls, probably better than all the rest of them.

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So here's how we're gonna do. I'm going to I have the catalog in front of me. You, Jane Johnson Johnson and David Roth do not have that advantage.

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I'm going to describe the item to you and you have to guess the price.

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All right. So this is this is classy podcasting. It's not low rent podcasting you're part of right now. James Austin Johnson. This is the elevator shaft.

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So are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready for for Williams-Sonoma. Guess at our Masset or whatever you say.

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All right. We got first up, we got the all clad, four square digital waffle maker with removable plates. It has settings that include classic Belgian berry chocolate buttermilk and gluten free. Savor the ultimate waffles, then seize the day all clad makes easy. How much does that cost? James Austin Johnson.

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My God. OK, so this is a nice waffle iron with some digital settings and removable plates.

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Yes, plates. You can get a low end sort of Mickey Mouse shaped waffle iron. I think in the twenty 999 range. I'm going to bump this up because it's Williams-Sonoma and it's only the best. I'm going to say one seventy nine ninety nine. I'm going to go up.

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Rob Roth is your guest. So this is neither here nor there. But would you be willing to tell me if this waffle iron has a USB port or is Bluetooth enabled?

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It is not Bluetooth enabled. It is new and exclusive.

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All right. So that means theoretically it could be upgraded so that you could do use your phone to see if it has a digital display.

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But I see no USB or USB c. Outlet. All right, that's that's for the best that does impact things a bit, I think James is in the right ballpark. I'm going to go under just using the the price is right part of my brain.

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But I feel like it's probably it's certainly three figures. I will say it is one twenty nine ninety nine.

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That's where you're wrong. James Johnson Johnson was closer. The price is two hundred ninety nine ninety four.

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Oh my goodness. You added my gas to his gas. Oh my God. Just about there I was just the retail price was four hundred dollars.

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So you'd be a fool not to buy it.

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Oh my God. I was going to say to twenty nine. Ninety nine and then I thought no couldn't possibly.

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It's a waffle iron, it's, it's a hot sandwich place and you just feel there has settings that you're just like I don't want a Belgian waffle. I want more of a classic waffle. Oh man.

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I guess. I guess though I mean but it doesn't to me it doesn't seem like that's that's a big difference between classic while you just swap out nothing thinner for the thinner grade of of of recession in the in the plate.

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Right. Yeah. I think it's so you can clean them. Yeah. Which is the reason why. I mean if I had a waffle iron, why I wouldn't use it would be that they seem really annoying to clean.

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Oh I think I like, I think the novelty of a waffle iron wears off after you're like. 19 like like my college am in the dining hall, and I was like, oh God, got of a Belgian waffle anytime I want. And then like I like by March, I was like, oh, that fucking waffle.

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You know, what you hated is it wasn't the waffle iron. It was the batter that they gave you to put in the waffle iron and and very sad batter the nasty little wet sand that they give you to pour in that waffle iron is always so depressing and and ladle sticking out of it. It's so funny that staring at you.

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I know, right. Like shouldn't why why isn't it the it must it has to be something to do with if an economic concern. But why isn't the standard continental waffle the thin Waffle House style waffle. To me that is a better and more yummy waffle. I think that the Belgian waffles too aerated. I honestly hate a Belgian waffle. And yet we've taken this thing that's kind of SHYMANSKY and put it into the continental breakfast arena, the college cafeteria arena.

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And really we've truly murder the idea of that ever being good, at least in my theory.

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Thunderdome, that is the breakfast serving at a college and the murder scene around it, like the Pillsbury Doughboy was, you know, gunned down by a rival DOE gang. He's splattered all over the orange juice thing. It's really sad. I hate it.

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It's it's time to get to some to get to coffeemakers. These are the big ticket items. Breville Bruett, the best perk up their day with barista worthy espresso at the touch of a button.

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No cafe required the one I'm going to ask you about to get the guest.

[00:22:33]

The price on is the Breville Oracle Touch Espresso Machine automatically makes espresso Americano latte flat white and a cappuccino.

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How much does it cost? James Austin Johnson.

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All right, espresso machine. So, you know, in Hot Girl, the season finale of season one of the office, Michael Scott gets an espresso machine to impress Amy Adams and he spends a thousand dollars on it. So I feel like we are we're already in for new folks here, for Fijis here. And I I'm going to go if it is a Breville, you said, and that is.

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Yes, that's a nice brand. That's a nice brand. I'm going to say to two grand, I'm going to go high on this one because I'm feeling like two grand, even if you said.

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Sure, yeah.

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This actually sounds like the coffee machine that they had at Vice when I worked there, like and probably a smaller version of it. But I remember that being both an extraordinarily complicated and sophisticated device and then also something that because it was poorly installed every day at 3:00 p.m. after a sufficient number of cups of coffee had been made, it would just baff coffee grounds all onto the ground in the in the like little cafeteria area and someone would have to clean it up.

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Oh, it is fucking crazy.

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It was just the most overt metaphor for what it was like to work at that company imaginable, like luxurious experience. But then like every day, because it's not right, is just like someone else.

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And I will say that given that this is more of a personal size and not a vice dining area size, let's say sixteen ninety nine.

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OK, once again, James, you are almost at the correct price is two thousand four hundred ninety nine point ninety five cents.

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Oh and down from the suggested retail price of thirty seven fifty.

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Should have asked if it had Bluetooth.

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Again, this is, that's actually on me by the way. I'm gonna correct you James. It was Amy Ryan I believe, who was. Oh yeah. Or more on the office. And I only say that not to, not to be a dickhead even though I am, but because I find Amy Ryan to be underutilized.

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Hey, I love Amy Ryan. When she first appears in the show, starting in, I'm going to say season five or six. I'm talking about season one. Amy Adams, guest star, Pam 2.0. Pam feels threatened because Jim is has eyes for Amy Adams character.

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And also it was Amy as Amy Adams Oscar winner Amy Adams, right. Fresh off of Junebug, but right before A-list explosion. You know what I mean? This is Amy. She was great. They caught.

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Oh, Junebug is an incredible movie. Have you is there a better line read than Amy Adams character saying the F word for the first time in her life?

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She also she has a line that says. God loves you too much to let you stay that way, I'm botched that line, but it was a really good line.

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And there's just that's that whole movie is it's underappreciated. Gem much. We loved you.

[00:25:42]

Hey, how about some croissants?

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Guys like so Cassol, may we say Bolsa all discussing the problem because you were thinking about doing that one in the horn horn voice all the way through all the aisles of a little cafe buttery, flaky and pivotally French.

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These are Galaxie Classic and Chocolate Croissants exclusive, a set of 30 30 chocolate and regular croissants. James, how much does that cost?

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These are pretty baked chrysanths just in a bundle. I, I believe they are pre predebate. I don't think they are.

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Parbat just just makes a fine Paape.

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Just one just made just made chrysanths. And you buy them at Williams-Sonoma. Not a bakery. Yeah. 30 of them. 30 are. Why. OK, why.

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Why first of all for to treat yourself and your family. But a delicious Kontinental treat.

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How big is your family. This is like. Oh I see. It's the quantity and it's the staleness that I'm concerned about. And I don't know why a high end brand like Williams-Sonoma is giving me something that was made already at like weeks ago, and then I'm supposed to distribute it before it becomes literal trash.

[00:27:02]

I think it's all this is the fun of the catalog, though. It's every year they have stuff that's like just the most obvious Trader Joe's frozen items for they're like spinach pies, as you've never experienced them before. And it's like it really is just about seeing how ballsy they can be about marking stuff up where they're like a spring roll.

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Taste the Orient know like ten cents worth of ingredients.

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Grandma. Well, we don't really say the Oriental.

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And the other thing I remember is that the catalog, even this year, is geared for people entertaining. And so you're getting this is twenty, twenty, thirty croissants for brunch, essentially. And this is like the segment of of liberal America that absolutely eschews mass because, oh, my friends, they're fine like that. Like that sort of suburbanite. So.

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Well, anyway, we all we all had it last week and that's what killed her grandma. Yeah. And so everybody is going to die of it has already died of it. And we it was it was not fun. Let me tell you, it's not fun, but I'm not going to let that stop me from having you to life.

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You've got to I thought I'm going to be a price to put that at thirty nine ninety nine for no reason.

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What a bad product.

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Roth I think it's incredibly audacious that they would geared this year's catalog towards large format entertaining. They know that is ridiculous. Unbelievable. Sixty bucks. You are the closer one.

[00:28:28]

It's seventy two dollars.

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So why, why would these be more than one. Twenty five. A unit is what I'm thinking will be improved right up until the point where they stop improving, of course. And then you can make delicious, buttery, decadent breadcrumbs from them.

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As funny as my mom when I was a kid, you take me to be different. You called me different and I still called beachfronts. I don't I don't think anybody else calls would be different, but and I was like, oh, my God, this is the classiest food I've ever eaten. And my son now, because there's one like a mile from us, like, that's history, too. So we go in and like there as well be like a fucking accordion playing.

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He's like, oh my God, it's like we're in a period like, I don't know, this place is this is like a chain of like patisserie type things.

[00:29:13]

I imagine all bon pan, but not that bad. OK, and you have different sounds fine. I'm into it. All right. Yeah.

[00:29:22]

James, are you are you ready. We're back in the we're back in the coffee sphere with the Breville Smart Grinder pro canonical burr grinder in Damson Blue I should note elevate everyday living with Bretholz next level kitchen innovation.

[00:29:39]

So this is a burr grinder really grinds my beers that comes in blue. So what's the price on that man.

[00:29:46]

I bet Alexander Hamilton really wish he had a burr grinder.

[00:29:49]

They're all going to do it with humor, but he's fearless.

[00:29:56]

Ask to go there, ask the bursar. I've I worked in the is selling merch in the lobby of Hamilton at the Pantages in Los Angeles. And I heard the entire three and a half hour show like seven or eight times a week for oh my gosh, something like five or six months. And I can do a lot of the show.

[00:30:20]

I was going to say, like, can you please don't go? I don't I really don't want to do it as Trump.

[00:30:27]

That's OK. It's one of those things where it's like. I don't love the show, but I'm blown away by the performances that does that make any sense? Does anybody? No, no, no. I watch the Disney plus one. Yeah. And I was like, this is a fantastic, just immaculate production. I will never watch it again.

[00:30:42]

It's not a I'm not 14, but I love Leslie Odom. Oh, what a stud.

[00:30:48]

OK, so Burr Grinder Breville Bravo is a high end brand. Grinder does one thing, but one thing doesn't mean cheap. And you can do this hand crank with your hand. I think most baristas probably would go a hand crank on this, but if you insist on having a needless appliance in your in your house that apparently looks beautiful and comes in damson blue.

[00:31:14]

Yeah, my favorite blues. It does look quite handsome.

[00:31:17]

I really think it's not going to be much over 100 and I'm going to put it at 119.

[00:31:22]

All right, Roth. So I recently had to buy a coffee grinder because I destroyed the old coffee grinder that we had, as one does.

[00:31:31]

Yeah, I wound up getting just like the cheap like a blade one because of how incredibly, like, implausibly expensive beer grinders were. I didn't know that the one that we had, we got as a wedding gift and then it worked for, you know, whatever, 11 years and then sort of timed out. Our marriage, of course, is doing fine. But the governor did not make it fine. Yeah, it's I would say it's fine.

[00:31:54]

I don't want to overstate anything, but these are expensive items. I will say that this is. Two ninety nine ninety nine, and I wouldn't be surprised if I feel rotten, I feel. What was your guess, James? I said one 19 and now I want to say 300 African frickin fifth.

[00:32:11]

No, you win. You win. You're closer. It's one ninety. Nine ninety. Oh, you overshot yourself.

[00:32:18]

So you were you were you were still sort of in the bed bath and beyond price range. You just got pump it up a little bit. By the way, coffee growers make, I would argue, the most annoying noise of any household appliance of any machine. Yeah.

[00:32:32]

Like blenders are annoying and food processors are annoying, but coffee grinders really shrills.

[00:32:38]

Yeah, yeah, but it's over quick and for some reason, a treadmill is never done, I think a treadmill can be a very disturbing sound, you know what I mean? It's it's rhythmic until it's not until it until the person upon it gives out. And it's that shifting rhythm, I think. But the the Bergrin, you know, it's going to be over in 30 seconds. You know, you don't have that a lot of time to listen to that.

[00:33:00]

This is true. Yes, it's true. All right. Let's take a break and come back and we'll finish up the haters. God. We're back, we're back. I hate more shit Jane Austen Johnson, our next item, the legendary, iconic and I mean I actually mean that somewhat literally the kitchen eight Proline Stand mixer.

[00:33:23]

Every good yuppie has a kitchen stand mixer. I actually don't as a yuppified as I am, this one is looks like it appears to be in medallions silver. That is the color. And and it has sort of like a beautiful chrome seven quart mixing bowl. And in the in the catalog there's a hunk of Stilton resting right next to it, as would be natural in any kitchen worth its salt.

[00:33:52]

So that's how much is the kitchen, a proline.

[00:33:54]

Some Cortin Mixu. Stand mixer, stand mixer. This is a stand mixer is is a pretty intense item. I think you can yeah, it's got heft.

[00:34:10]

You've got got a paddle. I think you're right.

[00:34:12]

At least in the six to 800 range on the low end maybe of one of these things, maybe a little lower.

[00:34:19]

I feel like this one is expensive. I feel like we are at seventeen ninety nine. Ninety nine. I feel like this is an expensive item. Wow.

[00:34:29]

So that's your guess. 1719. I'm thinking maybe. Yeah, probably.

[00:34:33]

And I realize it's not that much because this is another thing we got for our wedding. And if somebody really spent that kind of money on us for something that we use three times a year to make like cookies, that would feel terrible.

[00:34:47]

I hope that this is more on the order of like five ninety nine ninety nine.

[00:34:52]

OK, you're correct. No one would spend that much on you, right. It was six hundred twenty nine ninety five.

[00:34:57]

OK. Hell yeah. I tap into my inferiority complex if I'm going to catch up here and it was right at my floor of.

[00:35:05]

Oh yes. No Ng'ang'a really confuse you guys because now we're in insta pot land. Yeah. OK, no not not above selling you an instant pot, but this time there's a twist. This is the insta pot. It's cursive eight court pressure cooker and er fryer. So it's a fryer. So it's an instant pot and an er fryer all at once.

[00:35:30]

Homemade meals are ready in minutes. When you leave the cooking to these game changing electrics, what would that cost.

[00:35:37]

OK, so the the base insta is it the brand. Instant pot. What's the brand. The brand is instant so it's made by instant pot. I know that, yeah. This is an item that you buy from an entire shelf of them at Target. This is, this is a 200 dollar or less target purchase. The addition of the ER fryer changes it up a little bit. And you know what, I'm a big food network head. I watch a lot of Food Network when you're in the entertainment business and you specifically you're an actor, character, actor type person, you get tired of scripts and you get tired of fiction and you just need Bobby Flay to be amateur chefs to a pulp.

[00:36:20]

Right. And they give me lots of advertising about ninja all in one devices that fold up and fold out and allow you to clean underneath them and stuff like that. Instant pot. I've got one. I like it. My chef friends don't like instant pots. They say, no, I just use a pressure cooker and I'm like, no, I'm an idiot. And they're like, OK, so instant pot by itself is like, that's like a hundred, maybe 120 at the most.

[00:36:49]

And then I add in the air fryer. I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to put this at one eighty nine.

[00:36:58]

I'm going to be very charitable and say that this time I'm going to try to go lower than than I that my instinct is telling me, like I say, Roth, what is your.

[00:37:09]

Yeah. The thing is always about factoring in that Williams-Sonoma factor, which is that they will quote a price that's like two times retail and then they'll give you a discount on it very generously, which is right. I sense the model of the catalog.

[00:37:23]

I really don't know where to begin. I don't have one of one of these. It sounds like a nice product, I'd say to forty nine. Ninety nine. You're the closer once to twenty nine nine oh oh my God.

[00:37:34]

That's literally the first number that came into my head and I do I go your instincts betrayed would have had it have had your instincts right dead on its man and instant pot is just a hot plate with waffles. That's really all it is. It's like barely it's barely that magical. But for some reason, the fact that you seal it like a like one of those Hurt Locker things you like. Yeah. It's this device that you just like you can truly forget about what's in there and walk away paying for that.

[00:38:03]

You're paying for the gasket. You set it and forget it.

[00:38:06]

Yeah. Oh man. It's and it's wonderful. And you can I just it's a slow cooker. It's just a twenty dollar crock pot and it's got a little digital clock on it. That's the only difference.

[00:38:16]

By the way, this is not the only thing in the catalog that is a combo with an airfreighted. There's also a toaster oven, an air fire. And as someone who has been er frier curious since quarantine began, now that I know it can be worked into just other appliances, the mystique is gone for me.

[00:38:30]

Or it's like oh you just buy a fucking toaster oven, what the hell is er frying.

[00:38:35]

Because it's not, I don't, it's not dropping anything in oil, it's not like convection cooking, it's like convection, high heat.

[00:38:42]

So convection. So why do they say, oh they're frying.

[00:38:44]

Because there's no, there's no frying happen. You're not frying. Quit saying frying. I know what frying is.

[00:38:51]

Well you know the fantasy of fries without the frying.

[00:38:55]

Yeah. So then if I have a convection this is my oven as a convection setting is my oven and er fire. If you will, it is no dream, dude. Oh, very, David, you're out of your element.

[00:39:09]

I am admittedly quite far out of my. Real quick before we go on, this is a stray Trump thought that I've had. Why did John Goodman never have a like sober, like a muted backdrop commercial where he looked in the camera and said, Donald, you're out of your element like he and shilled for some shitty candidate?

[00:39:26]

Why did why did you a better a better Democratic Party would have reached out to him like he's available? Like that guy is out like a bar in New Orleans right now and is highly approachable. He did.

[00:39:35]

He's just doing lottery commercials now where he's he's doing like Japanese lottery commercials where his head's on a worm and stuffies these are his.

[00:39:43]

But I think that's it. I think John Goodman sort of agnostic in that regard. I'm sure he is like he just wants to do basic work. And like, by the way, he's skinny now. He's like, yeah, he's like 200 pounds.

[00:39:55]

And I it's one of the things like Al Roker where I'm like, I can't it disturbs me that you're skinny.

[00:40:00]

He oscillates like enough that I worry about his health.

[00:40:04]

Are you ready for more useless countertop appliances? Because it's time for bread makers. We have to do a bread maker. The the crux jgi. I think it's it's spelled C are you Gigi? I think you say krux Gigi or you could be krux. Yeah.

[00:40:25]

Collection to pound breadmaker. The warm welcoming aroma of fresh bread baking is the best gift of all. How much does this breadmaker cost James.

[00:40:36]

499.

[00:40:38]

All right, that's that's the decimal point is after the night after, after the after the night or ninety nine point nine ninety nine point ninety nine dollars.

[00:40:48]

OK, Roth, you when you said the phrase do a bread maker, it I heard that in James's Trump voice. That's what's happening in my mind.

[00:40:58]

We're going to do a ninja foodie segment. Your food is really wonderful.

[00:41:03]

Wings at home, the ultimate in luxury. I have no idea how much a bread maker costs. That was something that somehow the quarantine wasn't long enough for me to become a bread boy. Let's say 499 sounds right.

[00:41:19]

I'll go lower just for Yuk's. But that doesn't say three fifty. You are.

[00:41:25]

You are closer. It's only one six nine oh oh because they they know that bread makers and rice cookers are among the more profoundly useless but extremely prolific countertop appliances. I assume like actual bread.

[00:41:38]

People look down on bread makers very, very strongly as the scotter, right?

[00:41:43]

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. We've been we have been making a lot of bread and quarantine. My wife is a big baker. We are using our stand mixer. We are making starters and stuff.

[00:41:53]

And it's one of those things that, yes, you can with simple technique and prep and time, do it really lo fi. I mean, it is bread. They talk about it in the frickin Bible. It is. Yeah, it's bread. So I would think that because it's so low fi because it's actually easy if you are learning the craft of it, wouldn't you rip off dummies with your bread maker? Wouldn't you just like fleece them for all they got?

[00:42:20]

I thought it was higher, much higher than what it ended up being.

[00:42:25]

How about the courage of bartending? Would you guys like to hear more about a bar?

[00:42:31]

I actually would just like to hear about that.

[00:42:33]

But I suppose too bad we're playing true to our guest because this is the partition premium. Cocktails, demand inspire creative cocktailing, your glam garnishing because beauty in the bar is in the bar aware of the beholder. OK, so let me explain this machine to you, if I can.

[00:42:54]

Does it pour liquids into a glass for you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So basically it's like it's like a karig. This is an appropriate thero is what you're describing. But yeah, you open it up, you stick a pot in.

[00:43:05]

It doesn't like it doesn't like Destil though. Like a potato and turn it into vodka.

[00:43:11]

Right. It's not occurring where it's like brewing something. It's now just bullshit.

[00:43:16]

It's like some you're making, you're making an old fashioned but you're not actually going into the like the cocktail making part of it. You just have this pod, you put a glass under it, you slam the pod down, you hit a button and there's your cocktail. What is that like this?

[00:43:31]

This is just what is this? What does this cost, James? This is the machine, not the pods.

[00:43:38]

How big does it look? Does is it the size of an office, Keurig of auto dealerships?

[00:43:46]

I, I would say except. OK, so it's got like a kind of looks like it looks like a bathroom scale, except there's a tower sticking out of it and that's the that's the pump. And then and then there's a little little strip of rubber in front of it to place your. Cocktail down on like like a bar mat, and then little, a little I don't even know what the fuck these are, they look like glasses, but they have tops, so they look like beakers.

[00:44:13]

Drink thermos. I'm envisioning I'm envisioning a Lego Space X launch set without the rocket. That's sort of what I'm like picturing in my head. Yeah.

[00:44:26]

With a little Elon and Grimes mini figs in the corner.

[00:44:31]

So let's see. This device is so stupid that I can't imagine that because it doesn't really do much in it.

[00:44:40]

I imagine it doesn't have that many components. I'm I don't think it could be more than three hundred dollars. I'm going to say I'm going to say 279 for some reason on Roth.

[00:44:51]

I agree with everything James said, especially the stupid part, except for the fact that because it is so stupid and gratuitous, like because you're basically describing like an adult jussara experience, like I feel like it has to be way more money, OK, like just because it's like if you're going to try to sell somebody this, if you're going to be like we put a drink in a bag and then we built a machine and pushes it out of the bag for you because you can't figure out how to like, mix to alcohols together in a cup like that has to be like five seventy nine.

[00:45:23]

Ninety nine.

[00:45:23]

Wow. OK, you went too far. OK, three forty nine. Ninety five. But in general I would adhere to the, the philosophy that the stupider it is the more it's going to cost. Yeah.

[00:45:34]

The times I've been wrong on this is when I've really like I remember taking a huge swing. The first one of these we did back with with Tim back the old website there was like a champagne sabre listed.

[00:45:45]

And I was like, well, no one needs that. It has to be a thousand dollars. And it was like thirty 999. They'll just send you a sword and you'll get like change on two to twenty dollar bills.

[00:45:55]

I think I tried doing a champagne sabre once. It's like a wedding and there's like, there's like a technique to it that only like a French sommelier knows everyone, every American who tries it is just basically trying to karate chop, waving a sword around wildly.

[00:46:12]

Yeah. That's all. You hire an expert for that.

[00:46:15]

Yeah. Two more. We're still in the alcohol sphere. This is the core of in module six wine opener. So are you familiar with James. You're familiar with like the rabbit.

[00:46:27]

The the rabbit screw corkscrew. Is that, is it. Does it look like a rabbit head and you split. It's yours. Is is that what is being rabbit it.

[00:46:36]

Yeah. I mean they, it kind of looks like a rabbit but they take liberties with that like basically it's a corkscrew where you put it over the the, the wine bottle. Yep. Yep. You pull a lever and then you put the liver back up and then presto the caucus gone. It's like what you're describing is like one ear basically. Yes. So this is, this does that, but it's also like an aerator. So you keep it attached to the the the top of the wine bottle and then you you tip over the wine bottle into the glass, you push a button and then it dispenses the wine into the glass.

[00:47:11]

That sounds very labored and unnecessary. But that's what this catalog is about. That's what you're paying for.

[00:47:17]

What do you think something like that would cost?

[00:47:23]

I have a corkscrew, which is a dollar I'm raised in a gas station and it says Palm Beach on the side of it. Yeah. So you're elevating that with a power powered. It's powered.

[00:47:41]

Oh, is it or is it hand. It doesn't hand power doesn't it doesn't look like it's power. So this is you're still doing the labor, you're still cranking it with your hand and like a common Proehl like I should note, the formal title is that it is a wine preservation system.

[00:48:01]

OK, so technically I don't know what that I don't know what that means.

[00:48:05]

OK, I is this is a stupid device but I can't imagine it costing more than 99 dollars. I'm going to say eighty nine dollars.

[00:48:15]

OK, Roth, what about you. Let's say ninety nine. OK, you're both wrong.

[00:48:21]

Is three hundred ninety nine dollars.

[00:48:22]

And come on man, how an aerator that you put on the end of the wine bottle is fourteen ninety nine and a device to get the corkscrew off any wine bottle, no matter how chic and aged is twenty nine. Ninety nine at the most. I can't believe that this device is what did you say. Three what. 399. 399. Four hundred. It's four hundred dollars. Yes. Yeah. Can I just a Bluetooth or. No no no it doesn't look like it.

[00:48:52]

I have to say by the way before I, before I quit drinking I went to someone's house and they had an aerator stopper in the wine. So really it was like it was like ten bucks. Like you stuck it in the wine and it put bubbles of air into it as it was going into the glass. And I was like, this is great. It makes a big difference. I was totally sold on it at that price for four hundred dollars more.

[00:49:16]

A little less. So this is the final item.

[00:49:19]

Yeah, let's do it. All right. I also want you to guess what the final item would be, but I'm not going to do that because we don't have time. James, our final item was inevitable. It's a yeti. It's a Yeti cooler. The TV series America's Cooler new item number thirty five dash one six one three eight eight one.

[00:49:40]

This is a full sized Yeti cooler. So not like the drink cuzzi that cost thirty bucks that like, magically. Right. Your coffee hot.

[00:49:49]

Oh, I love Yeti's. We use a lot of yetis in our home. It's one of these brands that we stick by. I'm partial to service because I like pictures of Darth Vader on the the cups that I carry around to places. And unfortunately, Yeti does not yet allow pictures of Darth Maul to to grace their products and only get ones with like a lot of yeti's not a lot of yeti's doing what we're going to do.

[00:50:18]

We are doing this. This is a full sized cooler igloo, full sized cooler style, maybe a turkey. You could bring a turkey in it.

[00:50:27]

You could you know what? You could absolutely brine turkey. OK, so this is a big boy. I'm going to say three ninety nine.

[00:50:36]

All right, Roth, your final guest of the day, nothing more thoroughly exposes me as a rootless, cosmopolitan, cosmopolitan, liberal media elite. The not knowing how much a fucking yeti cooler cost, I assumed because they were status symbols, that they were very expensive. Yeah, I hundred dollars is still a lot. Everything you just described sounds like someone who would know what a yeti. Yes, we wouldn't be. Who would I be if I didn't know what a yeti cooler cost.

[00:51:06]

Right. Is this product has it been endorsed by Brett Farve? No, it is not.

[00:51:12]

OK, that would that would factor into my calculations. Let's say James had like 349, 999 or something like that.

[00:51:22]

Hmm. I think let's say 340, let's say. More than that, let's say four hundred dollars, oh, well, that was was you because it's eight hundred dollars Komba House. No, you guys were very, very good participants in this year's hater's guidance. Even I feel like I'm being patronised right now.

[00:51:43]

Well, that's because you are. It's tough. Well, you're very nice to do it. I appreciate the thought.

[00:51:48]

James, do you have anything you want to plug before we go? I would like you to follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Shrimp Jayjay. And not only that, I would like you to listen to my podcast, what things are, what things, where each week my friend Zach Pugh and I discuss what things are, what things with a guest. And celebrities appear on the show all the time. People like Bobby Flay, Bob Dylan, Mark Boleyn's Bobby Flay, Mark Bolen's ghost from the band T Rex.

[00:52:19]

Oh, loved him.

[00:52:21]

He'd be so good at that sort of thing. He's really good at that kind of game. And, you know, comedians from the L.A. and New York podcast, comedy scenes, standup scenes. And it's just a lot of fun. So you can hear clips of it on my Instagram and Twitter fun character comedy mixed with a inane discussion game show, kind of like what we did here today with the Williams-Sonoma thing. Maybe one day we'll do what pointless feat patrician kitchen appliances are.

[00:52:53]

Signifiers are what you know, cool journalists. You know, maybe you really do something like that one time.

[00:53:01]

You do you have a Mark Bolan voice.

[00:53:03]

That's an incredible thing to have in Marklin. And I do I do a lot of rockers. I do a lot of singing impressions that there's no place for them other than my own vanity podcast. Like where who's going to let me do David Longstreth of the Dirty Projectors for an extended period of time? I will do that. Yeah. You know, so so listen to my podcast and you can hear all of those. And then also, you know what else?

[00:53:32]

Look, keep your eyes peeled for me when Hollywood comes back, I might be a cop with two lines and something on a procedural at some point. That's what I'm pushing with my people this year. Get me at the murder scene. I really want to be in one of those shows that my mom watches where if I'm not standing there, Nathan Fillion, you're fired.

[00:53:54]

I want to be standing next to Nathan Fillion looking at an iPad and saying the semen was in the microchips because I know my mom will be watching it and folding clothes and think, oh, he's so talented.

[00:54:07]

He looks good.

[00:54:08]

Boss, you better come take a look at this. That's the law. You're a murder guy is trending.

[00:54:15]

I don't know how many times I have been in an audition room holding up an iPad and saying it's trending.

[00:54:21]

That's that's what they think.

[00:54:23]

My face says, well, you're a great, great guest. I hope you come back next year for the haters guy. And hey, merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah and happy holidays to everybody out there.

[00:54:35]

We have to it's that time of year. We have to do it.

[00:54:38]

Brandon Nix are a producer and engineer. These are Rozario is our executive producer. Our theme song was written and performed by the fantastic Kirk Hamilton. You also get ad free episodes of Distraction only on such a premium, thanks to us, me being Roth and me and of course, President Donald Trump right there.

[00:54:57]

Merry Christmas, everyone. Have a wonderful Christmas and a beautiful Jesus. And I hope everybody does really great with Hanukkah. And in respect to Easter and all of it, I think everybody's doing great presents.

[00:55:09]

And we'll have a wonderful, wonderful polar bear witness to Jesus and Mr. Santa. So wonderful America. And good bye, everybody. Thanks for listening to Distraction on ABC Network Sports.

[00:55:22]

You get a free month of stitcher premium right now. Goes to your premium dotcom news Brocco Distractor. Get the rate you review and subscribe wherever it is you listen to it. Go subscribe to defector Dotcom too, and get yourself a gift subscription to picture dotcom slash holiday gift. James Austin Johnson. Thank you so much, Rob. Thank you so much. We'll see you next time. Bye bye.