Editor's Note: This transcript was automatically transcribed, so mistakes are inevitable. You can contribute by proofreading the transcript or highlighting the mistakes. Sign up to be amongst the first contributors.
Farag prevaricates is the structure that drew, that's all they doing, Rob. Fantastic, man. Fantastic. Thanks for asking. Good. Sorry. Is that too much? I was trying to do more energy in fifth. Yes, that's right. I get thrown when people actually respond with enthusiasm and great vigor. So I'm thrilled.
I am not throwing myself. And I don't I don't know. I don't know if I should ratchet up the enthusiasm by being like, oh my God, I'm fantastic too. Wow.
You like a podcast at that register. That would be really Muppet's back and forth. Yeah. Be real. Clearwater, Florida Vibe's.
Hey, we have a guest this week, Ruoff. Oh, it's our own friend, a defector. Kelsey McKinney I. Yeah, she's great.
Hi, Drew. Hi, Ross. How's it going doing.
Kelsey, are you are you at home? Are you talking to us from your favorite Zillow home on Airbnb?
Uh, sadly, I'm in my terrible small apartment. I have no great Zillow homes for you. Karl, that's so sad.
Congratulations are in order because in twenty twenty one, Kelsey McKinney becomes a officially published novelist.
That's right. Yeah. Kelsey Wow. Thank you, Drew.
The book is God All the Novelist Parties with Drew. The book is God Spare the Girls.
It's out on June 22nd. I think you're going to hit. I think you're I think you're going to have some good luck.
You're right in the in the sort of Foushee zone where like, apparently, hopefully everyone is vaccinated by then.
So you could, like, have an actual book signing and have people show up and you could, like, throw up out of nervousness with people showing up your book signing.
Yeah, I didn't know that this podcast was offering tarot readings now, but I'm really happy to hear this result. It's very good news for me. But yeah, also, it would be better if I never had to see anyone in person ever again.
I'd be funny if there is a tarot card that was just a picture of yourself wearing a smoking jacket sitting behind the table.
Yeah, but there would be a bad one. I hope it would just be like you seldom see it used. Like there's the one where the guy's upside down. He's got swords sticking out of him. Like obviously that's worse. But the one where you're at, like a borders in Indianapolis is probably also not a tarot card you want to see.
Yeah, I don't seem good.
Yeah, I don't like actual I don't like tarot cards being used for their actual purpose, like an actual I think I got a tarot card reading.
It meant nothing. I like it when they're like weird talismans in like puzzle games and shit like if I play in the room on my iPhone and oh god no, no, I really had nothing else interesting to say.
So I could go.
I was just going to say that my favorite part about tarot readings is that they always tell you they're like, there are no bad cards, all the cards are good, but there is secretly one bad card called the tower. And so they always tell me there's no bad cards. And then they flip over the tower.
They're like, oh, shit, why is the tower bad? I don't know. I never understand it because they spent so much time walking it back, they had no idea what it means. Chaos, I think.
Oh, well, you wouldn't expect chaos in a tower you spent like. Shut ins, but things of that nature, the one where the guy is dead, has been hacked to death until until dead. That's not bad.
I think you could twist it to be good. Oh, that's the key.
Like, yeah, this is actually your hater's.
This isn't you exactly the death of your haters. And that would be sad.
But at the same time, because my haters motivate me like I need them, knowing how angry they are that I'm on this podcast right now, that's what keeps my energy level at these incredible highs.
That's when Capstick, when the tower card appears in a terror reading, according to Bidi Terracom.
That's in just a fantastic site.
Expect the unexpected massive change, upheaval, destruction and chaos. It may be divorce, death of a family member.
OK, so the terrorist not so those are the examples they gave for like they couldn't have been like, you're going to get like a new car. Now, I'm looking at the tower right now, I'm looking at the card, first of all, the towers on fire and it's being struck by lightning simultaneously. That's salient. Someone that actually makes it a lot more. Yeah, it's all coming together now.
Like someone's falling out of it. It's raining. There are like stalactites under the tower and there's a woman impaled on one of them.
That's mean. So, yeah, when you've seen this card, they're like, oh, this is actually not what it looks like. Like what did they try to sell you on that?
The last time I had one, the last time I was revealed the tower, I had asked a friend of mine about my living situation because I'm desperate to move. And she opened the tower and her eyes got like as big as dinner plates. And she was like, well, you know, I guess this could be that just like moving is a chaotic time. And maybe and I was like, OK, I could try really that's on fire.
Like, that's one of the things that when you're talking about homes, that's a word you don't want to hear at all.
Yeah. Turns out you're moving to South Dakota. That's that's not good.
You guys like to talk about some sports, I guess.
OK, I guess what just to talk about sports.
I know just we just we recorded this. It's good to have Kelsey on because Kelsey is our.
I don't think she actually wanted this job, but somehow she stumbled into becoming the defector coronavirus tracker for the NFL just last night, recording this on Wednesday, just last night, the Ravens played the Cowboys right before that game started.
Dez Bryant was informed that he had tested positive for Coronavirus after he had hugged many, many, many people on the field and was caught on. Well, I don't say caught because it was what should have been a rather natural occurrence before a football game.
A team staffer took a photo of Des doing this and posted it online, saying, you know, posted a tweet saying, oh, this here's Des Green, everybody. But then the test result came in and they scrubbed that tweet and Des himself tweeted like, what the fuck?
I have coronavirus. I don't know if I wanna play anymore.
Oh, so it was like it was it was like the Dodgers situation, but before a game.
Yeah. Yeah, before a game. So which is even worse. So God only knows, you know, who dares like.
Infected in in those pre game warmups and all that, and I am numb to all this shit now, I'm like officially numb to it, I just don't I can't bring myself to give a shit anymore.
How do you feel about this?
I feel, you know, just thumbs up. I feel great about what's going on in the NFL.
The bomb. Yeah. Yeah, I feel bad about it. You're you're right, Drew. I did not want this job, but I kept doing this thing in slack where I was like, what if someone did a spreadsheet of when all of these guys were coming on and off the covid-19 reserve list? So I would probably be interesting and cool knowing that it's a terrible job and I didn't want to do it. And I said that enough times that one of our editors was like, oh, great idea, you know, who was the editor?
So we can yell at them.
The dreaded just I just dug this grave for wow. So I did do it. And now every day I log on and I type in yet another player or, you know, yesterday eight onto the covid-19 reserve list and my spreadsheet, which is awful. And I feel also very numb at this point about what's happened.
Also especially sad for Kelsey because she's of that very narrow and extremely valuable tranche of humanity that are recreational spreadsheet users.
Yeah, it's not great for me in that I like the spreadsheet and it feels nice to me when all the things are filled in and every day that they add another guy to this list, their columns that aren't filled in like, you know, when he comes back. So it's unfortunate for me.
It seems like the Dez Bryant thing. I mean, obviously, that poor guy's been through so much and like this is exactly the sort of thing that would happen to him.
But then as we were talking about it last night, trying to sort of go backwards through the process of how a guy with it seemed like two inconclusive tests before the final positive test that, you know, like that's how he managed to find out on the field after warming up and all that.
It just seems like going back through the processes that led to this, like. Being numb to it is is the only real response that you have, there's all these rules, but they're all very stupid and insufficient. And so in some ways, it's like the Ravens can say, oh, we didn't do anything wrong because like our you know, our standard is that these guys have to if they're wearing masks, they can be inside talking indefinitely or if they're there for 14 minutes instead of 15, it's fine.
And it seems like they you know, they hit all those stupid marks.
But like, they're also still in the middle of this, like, rolling outbreak.
Yeah. Tom, birth this on the side this morning. And this is absolutely true that the only reason Dez Bryant got pulled from this game is because the Baltimore Stadium is close to the testing's. Right. So the only reason they got this test result back before the game started instead of today is that they were near by the people that could tell them whether it was positive or not. And what that means is that if this had happened anywhere else, Dez Bryant would have been confirmed positive today after playing in an NFL game, which luckily for the NFL, they don't consider that close contact.
So, you know, just having your body at another person, that's that's fine. They don't.
I also think that now that the vaccine is on the horizon, like to me, I think by fall, I think there will be enough vaccinations that they'll be able to fill NFL stadiums again. And I think the NFL is essentially counting on that because once twenty, twenty one season arrives, they will basically bank on the nation's non-existent attention span to just say that, oh, yeah, we did a great job in 2020 and no one died.
And and now we get to keep going.
As things usually happen, they'll be able to do that. Like, I don't I got I got to share some poison with you guys from last night in advance. So this from Schefter.
On Tuesday night before Lamar Jackson took the field, Lamar Jackson had coronavirus was on the covid list, along with 9000 other players on the Ravens.
There, there, there. Every guy, you know, on the Ravens was. Yes, yes, they were the ultimate herd immunity experiment.
So shifta like a chirpy asshole. He tweets one thing of honor tonight.
It's how Ravens QB Lamar Jackson fares in his return from covid and how much he can play versus the Cowboys. Each player responds differently. Many have lost weight and sort of struggled to play a full game. More ahead on ESPN's NFL Live at 4:00 p.m..
So really, that's an interesting thing to monitor.
I agree. I'll be monitoring that all year long. Is it everything about everything about this crisis has made it clear that Schefter will never stop being Schefter and that is in some ways reassuring, but also just totally fucked up.
It's also it's funny, like his job obviously is he understands it is to be just like the house gool for NFL owners.
Like you're like the little guy that dances for Jabba the Hutt and then he eats them. That's like Adam Schiff.
Yeah. Like whatever in the broader NFL universe. I don't think he ever thought it would involve this shit yet, but I don't think he gives a shit.
No, I don't think he does. But I thought, you know, this is one of the great points that Chelsea has made in her compiling this information in in you know, she did a post on it.
Is that the rarity of the game day positive, which I mean, you know, the DES one was a very rare one. But then we don't have Tuesday Night Football every week either.
But that like it seems like Schefter has really especially pushed that particular bit of like specious positivity. And it's exactly like the line that the NFL would push would be like, you know what, it's time to play the game.
Like, you know, we're sending the healthiest guys out there, which is like I don't even understand how you're bragging about that shit.
It's even worse, to be honest, when you look at how long the players spend on the list, which is something we can't like, I can't blog about yet because I don't have the full season of data to look at. But I mean, I'm looking at these Ravens that they're like celebrating being back in the game, that we're out right before Thanksgiving. And half of them eyeballing this look like they were out for less than six days. They were on the list for less than six days.
So if these guys tested positive, imagine having any kind of cold even and being asked to play at a professional level five days later. Like, that's insane.
That's it. Really. They also they all have access to, like the White House covid drugs, too. So, like, they're talking about it.
But, you know, they're good because of the resources they're going to get through the season without anybody dying.
Although someone I shouldn't laugh. But, you know, the Dodgers going to go back to that because they had the World Series celebration with Justin Turner on the field.
They took his mask off. People got infected. A Dodger scout died this week of covid. I don't know if he was on the field for that celebration or not. Probably not, but I don't think you.
Well, but essentially, essentially, baseball isn't going to give a shit so long as it's only the little people dying. And this is true of the government as well, then they're going to keep doing it the way that they've been doing it. Right.
Do you think that somebody, even with the status of like let's say like front staff assistant might not even like a food worker, but a front staff assistant who gets covid? Do you think they're getting the same kind of care that Lauren Jackson Ravens like? Absolutely not. No, no.
Of course, what's been infuriating about I mean, well, it's infuriating because, like, it looks like Rudy Giuliani is going to survive his dorival the coronavirus.
But there's something about, you know, him and and Trump getting that like steroid like sort of retroviral cocktail thing. But I don't remember exactly what all is in it. But the thing that made Trump stay up for like four straight days posting in all caps and be like, I can fly short distances and everybody's like, you sure.
Cancer like if Giuliani gets that. Like a man who's just like his blood type is just a Bloody Mary at this point, like this is just very, very unhealthy man who is like disgusting to boot and like, he fucking gets it.
Like, you just goes to the hospital and they're like, we're going to give you some stuff that's going to like it'll keep you alive and also like it's going to give you the ability to be like even grosser. Like you feel like you can be awake drinking for 19 hours a day if you want.
Yeah, they just throw donated livers at Rudy, like when he arrives at the hospital and it's like fucking 2000 people die every day for lack of interest in this stuff. Like it's just I don't know. I mean, I think you're right.
I hadn't thought that the NFL guys are also getting the like the platinum plan.
But no, they they absolutely are. Speaking of diseases, Tom Herman, Kelsey McKinney, you're a you're a known Longhorns fan and which is good.
Yeah, it's good. We have you on this week because Tom Herman's been a disaster at UTI.
And over the past couple of days, there was there were the rumors that he would be replaced by Urban Meyer, although now there are reports that a rumor has turned them down, which makes things a bit awkward.
And so now you, a Longhorns fan, are stuck with Tom Herman, but are you going to be stuck with him for much longer?
God, I hope not yet. You hope not. But will you? Probably.
I mean, Texas, I don't know what their problem is. They can't recruit anyone. High school players, coaches, defensive coordinators like I. I don't know what they're doing and not I mean, Urban Meyer is not like the ideal college coach, in my opinion, and that he is constantly ill. But it does seem like, you know, he doesn't love to keep a game within three points and then, you know, go to overtime and then lose.
So to me, he would have been better than Tom Herman.
You were at Texas during the the Mack Brown administration. Barely. Yeah, I copy.
And so does is this worse vibes for you than, like, terminal phase of the Mac experience?
I mean, I told you this, Rothblatt last last week, the week before this, I was watching an NFL game. And because, you know, half the players are out with covid and the other half are injured because of not getting a good pre-season. There was a man on the field named Garrett Gilbert. And I like Double-take did. They kept saying his name and I was like their boss. You know, there must be another guarantee. There's no way in hell that this guy I spent three years screaming at from the student section because he was just throwing lateral passes for four yards, is playing in the NFL.
Like I was so furious that I looked up on my phone and I called my husband and I was like, Trey, you won't believe it. Garrett Gilbert made it to the NFL.
And he was like, no, this is the guy we hated back from school. There he is immensely that we screamed at for years like he did it.
Mack Brown won a title, too. You can't complain about. What's incredible is how much they have failed since Mack has been gone because they have all the money there in the kickass towns in the fucking universe. Everyone everyone at the school is good looking. It's a fun party town. Like you get to you get to ride elevators in the quad like kids with like elevator surf back in the 90s and shit like that.
So it's like there's no there's no good reason for Texas to suck as much as Texas has sucked in the past decade.
Also, Texas high school football is the best recruiting in the country part. I mean, so like you literally have these kids in your backyard and yet they're signing with Bama and. Oh, you Norman sucks, right? And that's not that's not just my bias. Like compared with Austin, which is a major metropolitan area and has lots of cool shit, Norman should not be where elite high school prospects go.
Yeah, I've been to Norman, Oklahoma, but I've heard incredible things. I mean, just the name itself just sings to you. Well, please welcome home. That's my father.
Like that one. That's two weeks in a row. I made the same dad. I love it. Let's say let's take a break and come right back. We're back. Hi, you're a drink from the poisoned chalice, I give you a taste of Schefter, which was really uncalled for, but I have even worse things to give you guys ready for that.
Yeah, that's good. Event horizon five here. I got I got a different Woj for you for this one.
This is Bob Woj Norske, not Woj NeuroSky.
Just Bob Woj Norske, the who who writes in. And this is before Michigan.
Castledare this weekend's game with Ohio State, their first cancellation in as first on that game will not be played in decades, maybe even 100 years, he said.
Michigan canceled Jim Harbaugh presser scheduled for noon today, despite optimism in some circles.
You, um, always do. Game remains in serious jeopardy. People might be reading the wrong tea leaves. Don't forget who UAMS president is. He bet once on playing amid covid not sure he'll bend again. So I love having it even saying there.
I think he's saying that your president is a serious Michigan man who puts very serious thoughts into matters before caving on them already on the record.
That's the part of it that like if you're going to mention that part, then you have to rewrite the other stuff.
They did end up canceling the games in part because it turned out that forty five fucking players on Michigan's roster had tested positive for coronavirus.
So I don't follow football very closely. Is that a lot?
Yeah, I guess I guess I gotta hand it to him for cancelling that game, but I don't want to.
If you're roster's sick, you don't get the fucking handshake for doing a good job, man. Like you just have to not do it.
I wrote about for Rescate about how not watching college football this season. And I think you're an asshole if you do. And that's sort of that's an unfair side swipe at Kelsey because she's been watching Texas against her.
But no, I you know, I'm off college football now that Texas is not going to make a bowl game. I don't see any reason for me to play. Well, that's just it. Like like it's a principled stand.
I like that. Yeah, I sort of I sort of gave in to all of it over the past week or two where I just accepted that it's just a shit show and it's just going to be the way it is.
So I was like, all right, maybe I'll just give in and watch some some shitty college football anyway. And I couldn't watch it. Like, I try watching it, but it was just like it was a fucking joke.
Like it was so clearly illegitimate when, like, you know, you know, every Big Ten team is played like three and a half games.
And, you know, it just I don't know, whatever.
We've also had this problem at the NFL this year. The games are just terrible that I don't agree with.
I know. I think it's been a great NFL season, like in terms of just like objective product. I've had no problem with the NFL.
So I don't know, dude, there's a lot they put a lot of really stinky, smelly games on television during prime time. It does seem like the Ray wrote about this earlier this week, that like the NFC East, I was like really ready to just lean into that and be like, this is this is what we deserve.
Yeah. And like now some of the teams are playing well and like, you know, the hardest division in football, it's terrible, which is tough like that.
Actually annoying to me. Like I was what I wanted was like at that perfect entropy of like a shitty world that, like, is doing stuff it shouldn't be doing. And then like a football division that it's like that exactly. Mirrors it. Yeah. On Monday night, I was watching the Teamsters play the the Steelers and I was I found myself rooting for Washington.
Like, I'm I'm so disgusted by the Steelers. I was like I was like, you know, Washington could take the lead in this. And I was like, oh my God, I'm rooting for Washington.
I want to die just so that the them becoming competitive is like, I guess in some ways, like whatever you do, got to hand it to him. Like the defense is good and like they're, you know, funkier than expected. Seeing Alex Smith just like bleeding like just like recreationally bleeding during the game, like not even from like a proximate cause or whatever, but just because, like, that's his legacy does that now.
Well, that was the other leg, though, wasn't it? Didn't you just get a laceration? You know, so it was obviously it was not the it was not the bionic woman. No. Was the other one.
No, I don't like that either. But the other thing is, yeah, I saw his mangled leg and like when he took the field, like, you know, the sort of heartwarming stuff.
And I was like, well, I don't feel that great because it could die at any moment.
But also I'm like, he seems like a good guy, even though he's sort of fallen under Dan Snyder's like shroud.
But I do feel good that it's nice that that his leg was destroyed and that he somehow managed to come back and beat the Steelers because the Steelers just completely revolted me at all times.
So the college football season, I gave up on on that a long time ago just I mean, it was like the the choice that I was able to make. Because I didn't go to a decent school and I'm not from, like a crazy football hotbed or whatever, so it's like it never really mattered to me that much. And I was like, I can come up with better things to do on a Saturday afternoon.
But I definitely feel like the the wrangling of this year, like the the back and forth with the athletic directors in the conferences and everybody's constantly moving, you know, different rules around to try to make sure that Ohio State is served properly and all that.
That, to me feels like the I mean, obviously, I'm not the representative fan here.
It just feels like the end of something in terms of like whatever amateurism was supposed to be like at this point, it's just very clearly a shady, exploitive business.
And the idea that there's somehow like a broader purpose or, you know, some like secret American valor to all of it is just like absolutely by the wayside at this point.
Yeah, there's no way to to maintain that unless you watched BYU coastal Carolina, which apparently was great and was fantastic.
And I could not get over the fact, Kelsie, that coastal Carolina had a football field. I was like, wait a second. Like I texted Spencer Hawes, like, is that till I see? He's like, yeah, I was like, holy shit.
It was a coastal Carolina. And they're just really bringing it home for BlueFire, I think.
I think one school has a red football field, but I can't remember. It's one of the directional Illinois's, I think.
It could be southern Illinois. That's the Saluki River. You know what I think it is? Southern Illinois. Hang on. I'm going to I'm going to look it up. Bear with me while I Google in real time. You texted Spencer Hawes. You're not talking about the the guy that played center for the Kings for a while, right?
No, I said Spencer Hall, you silly. Oh, OK. All right.
Well, I know it's not it's not the Salukis. Well, it's some school that had a red field and I. I respected.
The guy the week we got to have the guy of the week, and it's a special one for you, Kelsey, are you ready for the guy the week thrilled.
Although this may this may predate you, your your time as a Texas Longhorns fan, but it's former Texas Longhorns quarterback James Brown, the hardest working man in college football. Do you remember James Brown?
I remember James Brown because when I was in school, Colt McCoy beat several of James Brown's records.
And so there was many, many posturings around the beating of James Brown. Is this like hallowed experience, I guess, which.
OK, well, the reason, Jake, because James Brown made his name, he played for John McEvoy, the legendary John McGavick.
And and I think it was the first ever Big 12 title game. I might get this wrong. Like when they won the first ever, he won the first ever one against Nebraska. They weren't favored. And the reason they won is because it was fourth and short and they decide to go for it. It was like around midfield. I don't it was it was it was back in the time when going for it on fourth and short was actually considered dangerous as opposed to now when like you're supposed to do that.
So McGavick called it and it was a play action pass. James Brown, you know, fake the handoff, rolls out through it to a dude who was wide fucking open down the field.
And the play went for like, I don't know, forty or fifty yards.
And everyone went completely apeshit. It was one of the best plays I had ever seen in college football.
So I love James Brown. Love him. Do you feel like Colt McCoy is dishonored his memory in some way?
Fuck old McCoy. I don't care about Kelsey.
Were you there? Rimkus McCoy was once on campus as well. Sure was. Hell, yeah. Is there a Cody McCoy? No, but there was a Jackson Shipley. To me, the key to a good football franchise is just to recruit the younger brothers of superstars.
Yeah, she made that point the like a bunch of like brothers on that team. There were two Ochoa's. There were two Shipley's. I I like outros, though I don't think Casey was there while Cole was there. No, I don't think. But he was there immediately afterward. Yeah, I mean, when I was the James Brown, like, just thinking about him, it's like they talk about James Brown and Vince Young in the same breath.
Right, because they're the two like major you black quarterbacks. And everyone was like, oh, you know, James Brown opened doors for Vince Young or whatever that means.
Yeah, but I was when you said his name, I was thinking about that because I was like, when was the last black quarterback that you had? And it's like to like true guys Swoopes and heard, I don't think either of who made it to the NFL.
I'm not sure I was like Swoopes. Yeah, you do. But I was like, this doesn't seem good for Texas when currently Cayler, Murray and Jalen Hurts are starting in the NFL. It's like, hmm. So we recruited, let's see, another McCoy like Buddy Garrett Gilbert. Great, great, great, great. Solid.
The whole thing blows me away because it hurts hurts. Transferred to Oklahoma after getting benched for two at Baobao. Almost won the damn Heisman Trophy at Oklahoma and now has beaten out Carson Wentz for the Eagles starting job.
That's like that's just a rather astounding career path for.
Yeah, but whoever our quarterback was when he transferred to Oklahoma, I'm sure you was worse. Oh yeah, I have. I have no doubt. And your quarterback now, I believe, is the legendary Sam Erlanger, right?
Yeah. You know, early in the year we were talking Heisman MVP and now we're we're talking about whether or not he can make a pass for twelve yards. So things are going well.
I think it would be nice if they just cancel the Heisman ceremony and never brought it back. Like, I don't mind.
Just pretend it didn't exist. Yeah, I'm I'm OK with retiring the Heisman for good. I'll never do it.
But like, well, I've had enough of you said something earlier about like this year feeling more, feeling grosser, hearing about college football. And I think a lot of that for me has been because of Trevor Lawrence, like both getting covid and the conversation around him all year, being will he get drafted by the Jets instead of the conversation being who's going to win the college football championship? Like it's very much being treated like a minor league, which sucks.
Well, also, you know.
Oh, sorry. Go ahead. I was gonna say, like, he shouldn't be there at all. Right. I think I mean, I know there's rules and everything like that, but like, he was ready at the end of his freshman season, like. I don't know, I mean, it's I don't expect a change there because I don't know where it would come from. I mean, I just feel like the pressure from below would have to be extreme in a way that they've never really been able to organize college athletes to bring that kind of pressure.
And the people that are overseeing it now are like the single most change averse Americans that have ever existed.
I do think the one thing Trevor could do is he could bail on the postseason and not suffer at all for it. Like, I think that's the next step. The one thing that I've noticed about college football and the story with Leonard Fournette and Christian McCaffrey bailing on their teams respective bowl games was that that's sort of the one sort of muscle they can flex, is not doing that because they just don't want to get hurt right before the combine. There's no point.
So I think it's only a matter of time before a quarterback also does that.
And, you know, maybe it won't be Trevor Lawrence because he's under, you know, Dabbous Thrall or whatever.
But some some quarterback with a brain is going to be like fucked.
I don't need to fucking do this. I'm out on December. I'm out after Christmas. I'm done. Wouldn't be an unreasonable choice. Yeah.
You guys will play Ditter canceled. Sure. All right, fine. I had I had a hard time.
Picking a dead or canceled subject for this week, so I'm going to give it to you.
Oh, God, yeah, this is pretty nervous about this part because she didn't know about it in advance and couldn't prepare. You're doing a good job being a podcast guest. No one has to do this part, right? No, no.
Kelsey was just happy that there was no mash up. You just have no idea.
What I'm really concerned about is just my inability to recall names on the spot. So the odds of me even knowing who this person is feel closer to me than they should be. I think you'll know both these these people are.
So I'll give you the first one dead or canceled. Pope Benedict. Pope Benedict dead or canceled.
The rule is that if he's dead, dead takes precedent. Correct. Dead and canceled. Right. Dead.
Yes. Don't think he's away. What is your what is your God not dead? My answer is dead. You are incorrect. Pope Benedict is alive.
Oh, that's Ratzinger, right? That's the. Yeah, it was. Yeah. Yes. Former Hitler Youth Joseph Ratzinger. Fantastic taste in footwear, retired from the papacy, but it's still very much alive, not dead.
This is just proof that I'm not Catholic because I thought you had to die as pope that generally do.
Yeah, like his I remember his retirement being a big deal. Or Puru, like he's retiring. Popes can do that, like you can have.
I respect that. You can decide not to be God second hand man. I didn't know you could do that. All right.
Focus on me. He's like, you know, I've spent a lot of time serving God. It's about time that I looked into John.
I was just saying to John, actually, everyone was like, well, he's a Hitler Youth. That's a bit of a problem. And then he, like, walked out one day and like these red Gucci shoes, like, well, those are nice kicks.
So you got a respected thing about the pope walking out in those, like the years that look like just like infected animal feet. Yeah, the new uses look like like cupcakes upside down.
Just colorway. He lifts his robes. Check these out, Dasbach. Talk about young pope.
Your other one, Kalsi. Mickey Rooney. Dead or canceled. Canceled.
Mickey Rooney dead. Dead. You got them both brought. You know what I had to tell you, I always thought this game was too easy in prior weeks. So I'm actually it's actually great that you got them wrong. It suggests that there is potential for this game to be challenging. But Mickey Rooney, I don't think well, actually, if you count his role in Breakfast at Tiffany's, he very much should have been canceled.
Yeah, not really his fault.
He was just playing the character.
But, yeah, there's like I think when you play yellowface in a in a in a movie, you know, it's sort of your fault.
I think it's I think it's your fault.
And in fact shows in fact I have to be canceled now because I said yellowface instead of Asian face, which is what I really well whatever there's terms for it, everybody knows it's bad.
Mickey Rooney probably shouldn't done it. It's bad, but he died now. So we just have to answer for any of those. So congrats to you, Mickey Rooney. You avoided the scourge of cancer or anybody noticed how fucked up all your stuff was?
It's time for The Fun Bag. This is from Gunnar. He writes in, Kelsi, What happens to a players or coaches team when they get canned or traded? I guess this applies to all sports. They have to wear team stuff all the time. Not much of their partners and or kids do, but they just drop it all off at a thrift store, burn it in a barrel, or they keep it as a monument to their failure, discontent.
My assumption is that what happens is the same as what happens with the like losing teams championship jerseys, the shirts that say like Super Bowl winner, but it's the wrong thing or whatever. Yeah. Which is that they just ship them to like an impoverished country and hand them out, which I know they do, because a bunch of girls that I went to college with went on mission trips and I saw the photos of these incorrect shirts. So that's my assumption.
But I do not know, I, I still have a Deadspin shirt that I wear the stick to sports one. And I don't really I don't have a conflicted feelings about it, even though it's a good you know, we all love to say it's a good shirt.
So my assumption is that, like, if John Harbaugh has an eagle shirt sitting in his draw, like you wear it, like if he, like, goes on the treadmill at home or something like that, I don't think he like I think I think although these are very, very petty, small men, I think the majority of coaches and players look back fondly on whatever tenure they had with whatever team they had.
And I don't know that, you know, even if they even if they leave under acrimonious circumstances because they were low balled or some shit like that, I think they probably keep the Merkley's they just can't be seen in public wearing it.
I think that's kind of it. Right. I mean, all the stuff I mean, as somebody who both keeps a lot of stuff and then also goes to Goodwill and donates a lot of stuff like, I think it probably is harder when you're getting hit off with, like the full suite of team issued gear than it is if you like. I've like t shirts from, you know, places I used to work or whatever and like, they're fine.
I sleep in them now. I don't go out necessarily in them, but I do wear t shirts to sleep in again. My haters are furious to do shirts.
Do you sleep in a T-shirt? I sleep at a huge one. Really long T-shirt. Like, no, I don't.
I sleep in a t shirt and like stupid basketball. And so then yeah, that goes to the ground. Yeah.
I carry a candle around before, before bed every night, theatrically blow it out a long time ago.
Like, like, like when I was, when I was a student, like I switched to just boxers and I wear a shirt and like but now that I'm like middle aged like I get cold a lot easier like, like a grandma.
And so like a couple of times I've tried throwing on a t shirt. When I go to sleep, I'm like, this will do it. And then it starts rising up on my belly.
And I'm like, I can't, I can't do this. So I can't do a T-shirt when I sleep anymore.
I almost I guess I'm just lucky you are. You are. You are.
Can I do one brief goodwill story that I think speaks to what we're talking about here? You have to. All right. Everybody loves when I tell the stories about going to the garbage store and all the fun things I find.
So I I've tried to buy less of the silly sports shit that I find just because, like, it's not that big an apartment.
And, you know, it's I have to, like, come in the door and, you know, like, my wife will be like, what did you get?
And I'll be like, not I don't remember, you know?
And then like, I have like a Josh Howard Mavericks jersey and a bag that I'm like, you know, just bought on principle.
I got a shooting shirt like a you know, like a pregame, like, warm up thing from the Idaho stampede, which was a D League team. And it is very clearly like team issued, like, it's huge.
It's like double XL. It has like the year, you know, stitched into it and stuff like. So this was like I think something that somebody who played for that team like had.
And then they were like, you know what, I don't think I'm ever going to warm up for the Idaho stampede again. I'm going to donate this to the goodwill in Yorkville, in Manhattan and see like maybe, you know, if they all take it and then, like, I bought it for five dollars and now I have this gigantic jersey that's made in that weird, like fabric that they use for pregame warm up stuff where it's both like very breathable, but also like probably flame retardant.
And definitely it involves no natural fibers.
Does it does it come down to, like, your knees? Yes, it comes down well, it comes down to like mid thigh where you really notice the the you know, because it's like the person who wore it was like a foot taller than me. So, like, it's a foot longer than it should be where you really notice the difference is that it is exceptionally wide.
But this sort of thing that I could wear it with another adult would fit in there comfortably with me and like we would be in each other's personal space, but we wouldn't necessarily be touching.
So this would be a beefy front court player. This wouldn't be like Randy Livingston. Yeah.
So I was trying to like sort of figure out who it might be and like which by which I mean I like did a post on it, like I didn't like I don't know where to begin in terms of like breaking down the data on where like front court players from the stampede went. But I got I ran into a wall pretty pretty quickly. So if anybody from the Idaho stampede and like the sixteen, seventeen seasons listening to the podcast and I know a lot of people from that team do listen, reach out.
It could be legendary. Viall Doki Josh McRoberts. He was oh, for Al McNabb.
But he wasn't like a fat guy, like, you know, like a heavier player. He was a hairy guy by that point he went through.
He did the the Duke transition where you're like clean cut in college and then like you do the Cherokee Parke's thing, but you show up for, like your third NBA season, like looking like you're the singer from Crazy Town.
Or or Lloyd Daniels. I can't believe Lloyd Daniels played on the stampede and so did the immortal Devin Davis, the double D from Miami of Ohio, a March Madness era. So this well, I'll we'll look into it.
There's there's a deep, rich history to the stampede that I think we all need to remember.
The listeners are encouraged. You can feel that.
Adam writes in, Kelsey says, Why is there a North and South Dakota?
Well, talking, making new states to finally break the Republican stranglehold in this country?
Should we not also be considering contracting some states? I mean, come on, many of these states in flyover country have arbitrary borders, populations that may as well be zero and little to no significant cultural differences among them.
How many could you combine? I'm not as I'm not as freewheeling as Adam is, except North Dakota and South Dakota could easily be combined, but like I wouldn't combine like Virginia and West Virginia, Chelsea. I wouldn't either.
You may know more about this than me, but I'm pretty sure that North and South Dakota were split intentionally to give Republicans control of the Senate.
I believe that that is really I think that they were certainly conceived of that way as part of like some sort of grand bargain.
It's one of those AP U.S. history bargains. Yeah, it is. It's not a great deal. Yeah. Adam Walker, trade of states. Yeah. Adam said that every many of these states have arbitrary borders.
There's nothing arbitrary about any states border. There is chicanery behind every single border.
I know from watching Aerial America, I learned how Missouri got its boot heel because it was like some dude ranch and he didn't want to pay taxes like in Arkansas or whatever.
So he ended up saying it hurts Portmans Missouri. And that's how it ended up being part of Missouri.
I think as long as the Senate is structured the way it is, I'm in favor of making more states instead of fewer states.
Yeah, I think that's I mean, that is both like the sort of thing that a declining empire would do when you definitely have that kind of, like, collapse vibe, like, you know, like the Austro Hungarian Empire and stuff like that, where they're like, well, we got to get more dukes like otherwise is never going to work.
We got to start get more Ducky's set up and like, that's, you know, like obviously didn't work out that great for them.
But yes, like, given that we are in that stage, I think of Empire, like, let's do it like let's do like a new New Jersey or like let's South Jersey be its own state.
That's a Republican senator and the United States really what you want. But I wouldn't have to pretend to have any cultural alignment with them anymore.
OK, but let's let's let's respect Adam's wishes and contract some states could could you put the Carolinas together, Kelsey?
I mean, I could, but I would. Yeah, that's who I would like to combine. Ah, Kentucky and Tennessee.
Really? That's interesting. I think that that's because I think Kentuckians think that they're the South and so we can just give them that by removing that border.
In your mind, is Kentucky not the south? No. What is GraphicLy?
There's definitely a case for Kentucky not being the South. I think culturally they really leaned into that, though.
Yeah. You like the rest of the staff, thinks Appalachia is like a thing and I don't know, I'm sorry, Kentucky.
You see that as it exists. I know. I know. But you're counting it. It's like an accepted, like region of the country.
Like, well, you know, like it's like to me, Kentucky is a region of the country.
Yeah. But no, you know, nobody like no, it's not like the same as the Midwest or the West Coast where you're like no one's like, well, that's Appalachian bias for you.
Like that doesn't like it's not it's not in the vernacular.
Like people don't think like there's there's South, Deep South, Texas, West Coast, Pacific Northwest, Midwest and like the Northeast and then like the mid-Atlantic, although that's a relatively new thing. And I live in the mid-Atlantic. So but like anything else, it's like then I think you're splitting hairs.
It's good talking to me.
S I think what are the craziest things I've ever heard and I love it. Those let me just Minnesota explain what the South is to people.
I like that when you're laying out the regions to that, it's like, you know, you got your Midwest, South, Southwest, Texas, where like he's just trying not to get into a fight with I don't know, I, I have always considered Texas to be its own thing.
I don't that's the correct take because Texas Texas wants to be its own thing. It wants to be a nation.
So I can't, you know, three whole years of Texas history to learn that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They teach Texas history at schools in Texas. I kid three years of it. Oh, my gosh. Yeah.
New Jersey History Unit. When I was in my gastly, just like the people that settled this were Dutch, they were very racist.
And that was like, yo, this is a fucking bridge that we built. Yeah. Yeah.
Somebody came in, we put a condom on a meatball that was sex education for a lot of people. No Trenton makes, but they don't know is that the world takes so.
Oh, oh. Chris writes in Kelsi, Which kitchen implement has the shortest lifespan? It has to be the salad spinner. Right? I'm a. salad spinner. So I. I don't know if I can agree with this. What kitchen department has the shortest lifespan for you?
Cheese grater, no question. Really. Grader is always going dull because I am constantly grading cheese. I feel like I have to buy like three every year.
Can I can I suggest you just buy grated cheese or that?
Why would I do that? Drew, when I like to create work for myself, I can't look at my phone. I'll refer you to the earlier part of the podcast. Where Kelsey copped to being a recreational spreadsheet user like this is not somebody looking to take the easy way out. That's a good point. I actually hadn't thought about that. But my box greeter is dull now, too.
And I've noticed when I again, like this is the thing with, you know, being inside and cooking all of your meals in a way that maybe you didn't before civilization collapsed.
So I've been greedy like Ginger a lot, and I've noticed that I'm just like juicing it at this point. Like it's not actually grading in a way that you would want it to grate.
It's just kind of like I'm just mushing it into this metal thing that makes it get smaller.
Can I tell you something? My my grocery store sells refrigerator tubes of pre grated ginger, and I know that's a cheat, but it's fucking great.
I don't we've talked about that like you're very for somebody that I think of as being a serious food person, you have like just for that, like has given me a new perspective on the idea of buying like minced garlic or something.
I've never garlic because Bourdain was against it and like I have to do a Bourdain says, but premix Ginger, I can I can let that slide.
My entire goal in cooking is to not look at my phone. That's my whole goal. So the longer it takes and the more tedious it is, the better it is for me. I'm like, I have to slam all of these pieces of garlic. That's one more second. I can't scroll on my phone. I love it.
The other thing about free grilled cheese is that in order to keep it separated, there is a there is some sort of preservative on each thread.
So like wingnuts. Yeah. So like, when you melt it and stuff like that, it melts. Kind of weird and it's not great. So when you grate your own cheese, you do get a superior grated cheese product. However, I'm too lazy to do any of that shit.
So I spoke, by the way, my airplane.
My answer to the question is a nonstick skillet. I go through nonstick skillets like like underwear. It's just terrible.
I we have one. And did you watch the that movie Dark Waters, the Todd Haynes movie from like a year or so ago.
So basically like all the chemicals that go into Norns making a nonstick thing are like hilariously toxic. And of course, Dupont was dumping them in West Virginia.
Dupont, one of our probably not a future sponsor of the podcast. So I can say this like just one of our great corporate villains in history.
And the movie is basically about the long struggle of a lawyer to get them to be held to account for that.
The movie itself because of like not just like the chemicals and the things that they did to people.
There's one bit in there where Mark Ruffalo is asking an expert. He's like, what would happen if you ingested this, like this amount of this chemical? And the person is like that's like it's like asking me what happened if you ate a tire, like you couldn't do it. And the idea of eating a tire has been every time I've touched the nonstick skillet since, I'm like, well, is that really what you want to have for dinner?
You want to have, like, crispy skin on your fish and a tire in your body.
I know I've been trying hard not to do it, you know, I know people swear by, like, cast iron and like and like all clad skillets and stuff like that. And I always want to be one of those purists and stuff like that. But everything sticks and I fucking hate it.
And I just think it's a pain in the ass to me. Kelsey, are you disciplined enough to make cast iron stuff work?
I am a Khalistan person, OK, but I don't care if, like, that extra stuff on the cast iron is on my food. That's fine. That's protein for me.
That's like and that's like nature's nonstick skillet. I just I'm not good enough. I always like screw up the seasoning on the the, the skillet itself and I'm worried that it's like rusting and I'm fucking it up or whatever.
Yeah. Or you got like silcott oil in it like overnight or some bullshit like that. I hate all.
I've been buying so much kitchen stuff this year because I'm cooking constantly and I had it on a skillet that I think I had had for like eight years that just like completely crapped out in like me maybe. And I bought one of those awkward things. It was like learning to cook. I was like, I don't know how to do this. Everything is stuck. Like, Yeah, you stinker like. But also I had nothing better to do.
So like, oh well that's what the restaurants use because everything they use is a stick of butter in it. So nothing sticks. Yeah.
That's all the tips and tricks I was for a while again like because we're all like whatever trapped indoors and like just doing the same things over and over. I got really into trying to figure out how to because we don't my wife doesn't eat meat, but we eat a decent amount of fish and trying to figure out how to get like a crispy skin on fish reliably without it sticking to the pan.
And I did it. You know, I've probably done it a hundred times since the pandemic started.
And it's like you can sort of do it. You know, there's like things that make it likelier that it won't stick. And like using a non-stick pan, definitely like that works like. Yes, you know, but like it also feels like cheating. And again, it's like, as Kelsey said, like, this is all a way to sort of like punish yourself and keep yourself away from things that are, you know, sort of immediately fulfilling, like looking at Twitter and the like.
The one thing that works in terms of doing that is just like you have to have the pan be full of like oils and fats. Yeah. And it makes the fish taste good, too.
But it does feel like cheating, like it's you wouldn't want to cook at home the way that people cook in restaurants because you'd get sick.
I think you should give yourself more permission to cheat while cooking. Like just nuke the fish.
It'll be fine. Let's do our email on the week. It's a very nice, heartwarming email the week thoughts from Ryan.
It's not a question. It's just a story. As a teacher, I'm required to take my students outside for a ten minute mask break every period of the day.
This necessitates leaving my home at home learner sitting on our Google meet while those of us in school disappear for ten minutes. I have taken it upon myself to announce our return to the room to our viewers at home with your opening of the podcast by proclaiming we're back two times as goofily as I can muster.
I'm sure they all think I'm just a complete weirdo, but it amuses me and I thought you'd like to know.
And Ryan, I did like to know. That's great. Very decent. That's so nice.
And Kelsey, were you a nice guest? It was lovely to have. Thank God. Thank you for having me.
That's right. And the book is God Spare the Girls. You can preorder it right now anywhere books are sold and I have read it and it is good.
So do that. I read it already. I read and I gave Kelsey notes like a dickhead. So he was very helpful.
It was. It was, it was. It was a pleasure to read and I, I, I'll read it again. I read in with the new and improved and it's hardcover so I get to keep it on a bookshelf.
It's all tasteful and whatnot. I'll probably wait for it to come out because no one sent it to me early. I'll wait for the movie.
Brandon Nix's our producer engineer Daisy Rozario is our executive producer and Stitchers Chief Content Officer is our theme song is by the immortal Kirk Hamilton. And you can listen to ad free episodes of the Distraction Only on Stitcher Premium. And thanks to Roth Kelsi. And maybe you can get a free month of stitcher premium. Right now you go to Stitcher Premium Dotcom and use the promo code to stretch.
Treat yourself and don't forget to write, review and subscribe wherever it is that you listen and subscribe to defector dotcom to and by your loved ones. Or if you don't like a gift subscription by going to defector dot com slash holiday gift for subscription, you get a free tote bag, which we all love. Might have not arrived yet. And I'm getting a little bit pissy about it. But have you gotten one yet, Kelsey? I have not. I'm looking forward to it.
But that's the fun of the gift subscription. It makes a great gift to tote. You can put stuff in and it makes an even better prank. That's right. That's right. I am totes excited. Oh, boy. Oh, see.
All right. We'll see if next week. Bigeye Bye.