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My guest today is a good friend of mine, a hilarious stand up comedian, and he has a new Netflix special that's out right now. It's called No Pain. He is awesome. And also Brian Cowan actually joined us as well.

He is Chris D'Elia. And then, like at our to Brian showed up and it got pretty crazy.

So please give a warm round of applause for Chris D'Elia girlfriend podcast, The Joe Rogan Experience, trained by Joe Rogan podcast by night all day. Chris Deleuze negative. That's right. I got the test.

Isn't it nice?

You know, I got the test because I know Joe Rogan, because I came here and he had a doctor, a young, strapping doctor. He's handsome. He's handsome for a doctor. I don't like the doctor. When doctors are handsome, it's bullshit.

I don't like it when they're they're dying, though. They'll look terrible. He looks healthy. Yeah, I like that. Well, I get it.

Yeah, but you want your the old fashioned in me wants a doctor to be 100 years old and have studied for ninety years. Not today. Not today.

No I know because this because the young guys know what the fuck's really going on.

Yeah. Not only that, I want a doctor who's got like some energy. I want a doctor does cross fit. Right guys fucking ripped. Yeah. You'd imagine Joe Rogan's doctor definitely looks like he does cross fit. He does though.

He does. Yeah. He's a handsome guy, healthy. He's a handsome guy. And he's young. Yes, he knows. So he knows he doesn't do. Most importantly, he knows I'm negative.

I got to I've been tested twice already got tested yesterday and I got tested two days before that.

So and I'm just going to test myself for days like fuck it. So I'm testing everybody. So the way we're doing this here is when people come in to do the podcast, test them first, keep the fuck away from them and then get you're the first person I've hugged in a month.

It's so weird. What's weird is, fuck, it felt good, honestly.

You know, it's you know, it's what I want to be here. The day somebody comes to do the podcast gets tested negative and you have to send them home.

Yeah, that's kind of what's going to happen, of course, for sure. It's going to happen.

Yeah. I don't know what I'll do. Maybe we'll like put them down there. Yeah. With a mask on.

Yeah. It'd be good for news. Hey, we got Robert Downey Jr here today and he has covered. No he's actually clean.

Robert's clean. Somebody is not going to be somebody famous. Is not going to be.

Oh for sure. Yeah. My friend. Sturgeons positive. He tested positive, he went in with his wife and he thought his wife was sick and it turns out he was. Wow.

Yeah. But was he, he wasn't showing symptoms or was so little Fati. Yeah. Yeah. He's like now he feels great. That's, that's the thing about me is like I'll hear a thing and then be like doing this with our own.

There's a thing on CNN today that said as many as 70 percent of the people, it's between 50 and 70 percent of the people that test positive feel nothing.

Wow. So they're saying that way more people have this than they previously thought. Right. So the risk of hospitalization and or death, although it's still tragic and terrible, they're saying it's way lower than they thought, which is great. But at least this is like a dry run. Like now, if something really bad happens now, at least look, I'm looking at on the positive side, we know that we can get the country to lockdown. Basically not everybody, but that number four, there's never going to be anything where everybody complies.

No way. But pretty remarkable how many just drive around here, man.

It's try to get on the highway. It's crazy. I am legend out there. I was here once on the street. I almost brought my dog. It's I just I thought I thought because when I was going to leave because your park is far away from a place and I was like, OK, I got to leave an hour beforehand.

And I was like, oh wait, no, I don't know, I can walk in twenty minutes before I and get there. So that's a positive. That's the positive.

Yeah. Yeah. You want to CBD drink. You have. That's good for you. It doesn't make you high. No, no, no. That's my question with everything now because everything should be ok.

I have some CBD will fuck you up. That's some CBD that makes you high. The stuff that looks green, there's like a company I think it's like lethally I forget the name of it, but it was really good. And I took like four droppers full and I was like, oh, oh, I'm high just a little.

The cup was just a touch. Just a touch. Hi, this is Kyle Clifford CBD. I'm addicted to this shit.

It's only 25 milligrams CBD, but I've, I've broken it down to I used to drink so much soda, like just when I was thirsty and I stopped because I, I took my shirt off at my, my, my parents house and my mom was like, you gained some weight.

And I was like, no, I didn't because I'd always been one hundred seventy five pounds always my whole life. And, and I and she's like I've a scale upstairs.

And I was like, OK, I'll check.

And I was 200 fucking pounds too. I like how how out to fucking lunch am I that I didn't. I know that I gained just twenty five pounds, right, a lot of weight, I thought twenty five steaks, I twenty five one pound steaks.

I know, I know, I know. It's a lot of fucking weight. You don't think about it and spread all over my body. Thank God I don't have that gut or whatever the fuck some people get. I get it all over.

I get mine goes right here. It gets, I get it in the gut in my face, my face gets the faces.

The face is the thing that you don't realize is getting fat because he's scared it every day. You know what I mean.

When I see pictures of me at 30, I look fucking horrible. It's hilarious.

My friends text them to me like they'll see him sometimes because they'll get tagged them too, because they'll be like on the road. And and I just and I, I stepped on the scale and I almost fainted, bro.

That's how good my life is that I was fainted, that I that I gained twenty five pounds and and I and I walked down, I walk down stairs like the guy from fucking Saving Private Ryan looking for his arm just in shock. And my mom was like what. And I was like I get twenty five pounds. She's like I fucking told you.

And I stopped drinking soda that day. I was like, I got to drink diet because I would drink like five, six sodas, dude. Well a day that's a lot. It's a lot, lot of sugar. But in my head I was still twelve.

I'm like I'm still fucking young, fucking thirty nothing.

And and so I, so I so I stopped drinking. I switched to diet and diets. Fucking terrible. Then you're just getting cancer.

So I'm like I'm going to be fat or get cancer. You know what, fuck it. I drink diet for three months and I was like I can't. And then I started drinking soda water because I like the bubbles and now I'm good.

I drink soda water, Perrier. I saw a gentleman. It's like a fucking gentleman.

Take a little lime. I don't do mine. No. Oh no. My coffee is black. My Lacroix is lime. Listen to him.

Yeah, I'm interested. I'm dangerous as fuck you jungle.

Yeah right. All I need when they said what do you need if you were in the jungle alone. I need LeCroy and I don't know is it Lucroy or Eloqua who know.

How do you say. It depends on how much of a cock you are.

Yeah. You're a real piece of shit if you order a la cra.

The question is why I said Chrysanths and LeCroy or Lacroix's.

Yeah, your face is like your kids because you don't notice and you're going to notice this as your child gets older, you don't notice that they're getting bigger. You kind of know they're getting bigger. Right. But then someone who hasn't seen them in four months, they'll come home and go, holy shit, no biggie. It's like, oh, I got bigger. Yeah, I just see him every day.

I never yeah. I don't even notice it now. Like in is he's been he's two months but I don't even notice it. And then I look at pictures back and I'm like oh he was a little tiny.

It's just there. Yeah. They grow because they're so small they grow exponentially every day. They're like a fucking X-Men dude.

It's the weirdest thing ever when they start talking to you, wait till they start talking to you. You're going to be like, oh, I was going to shit.

It's going to blow my mind. It hurt. It hurts. There's so much love. Yeah.

That it's like your body's like, oh dude, I when I saw my kid for the first time, I broke down, I broke down, I started crying like tears, like shooting up like a Japan animation character.

And and and at that point I was like, am I going to be the guy who cries or not? And then I thought, fuck it. And then just cried for two days straight. When my dad came in, he broke down and he saw me holding, holding him.

He broke down and then I broke down when I wasn't crying was the fucking baby.

The babies like these motherfuckers are going to take care of me. They cry over nothing. I'm bored. People are born every day. Jesus Christ, what kind of a fucking dad do I have right now?

And Grandpa, imagine that when you're a kid, you just got to hope you just like, come on, Celotto.

You got to hope you got a good family like you got no no call you. They have to take care of you when you see people that are shitty parents. I know.

And that like we took in this dog we found on the street and this motherfucker, this dude, this dog lives in fucking Beverly Hills.

Now, we found him near Target in fucking Van Nuys. Just found him, found him running around, picked him up. What kind of dog? Who knows? You know what I mean?

One of these dogs, you're like, what kind of dog is that? And then I got to be like a deer. I don't fucking know mine. And so he just took it, took it bring, bring, bring.

We bring that fucking motherfucker from the valley deep like Sadequee, you know what I mean?

To Beverly Hills, you understand.

And this dog fucking runs away every three days, does it. Yeah.

Dude, I was one of those every three fucking days. It's one of those dogs and we're trying to take care of this motherfucker. And it's been about six, five months now. Do these run away? Probably fifteen times.

And I'm running around in my fucking boxers and just a shirt like, do you hit the lotto? Yeah. Do you not get it?

I'm like, dude, you don't. I said, you get fed every day the good food. Yeah. You got other dogs here. Everybody likes you. This is fun. You got a big backyard.

Jump in the fucking pool if you want. I got Lucroy motherfucker to have it and this is bull and this dog is every chance he gets.

Fuck it every chance you fucking get.

Dude, I get so mad my friend Shaheen as a dog. That climbs fences and escapes. It claims they got video, this little dog climbing the fence, climbing a fucking fence and escaping dogs or motherfucking dogs are getting advanced like Asian girls with asses.

They're getting fucking advanced.

He's gone that to vanished. There you go. Of course it coyote's got him or bobcat's. There's a lot of bobcats out here now. No shit you posted there in my neighborhood. There's quite a few.

There's a video in my neighborhood of a bobcat scrapping with a rattlesnake in the middle of the street.

What is this?

It's just the end of the world at the end of the world, as we know, my uncle is like we call them.

We call them Dark Mike because he's always brings the fucking laughter to a screeching halt.

Like he'll be like, you know, Uncle Mike, but he'll be like a he'll be we'll be having a good time and it'll be like, you know, my my my neighbor the other day, he has a cat and he will check the backyard. The only thing was left with was the cat's face. And we're like, what, like a bobcat's got it. And we're like, we're having a good time.

So he told us one time where the he is.

He knew a guy who had this dog that would scale the wall and jump over. So he tried to stop the dog by leash him up.

The dog jumped over, hung himself. Oh, imagine that's all I'm saying. These dogs don't know how good they fucking had.

It was a dumb dog, our dog smart.

I mean, some dogs are smart. Smart for a dog. Yes, smart for a dog. German shepherds are smart. Those motherfuckers are. If you have a German shepherd, you literally have to exercise that thing. You have to take it running. You have to do because they thought that's dogs, they abort. You're like, hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm an athlete.

I know what I know. Let's go. I need time to do some shit. But I saw it like I don't know if it was like a tweet the other day, but it's like, you know, we all are staying inside now and it's been like two or three weeks, four weeks, whatever. That's how dogs are all the time. And I was like, oh, man, my dogs. Maybe they're bored.

They definitely get bored. I got two Yorkies and they're kind of just like lapdogs. But I got another dog that's big and then this fucking little one that I don't know what it is, the one that keeps running away.

We call them what do we call them? Dirt trash dog, because he's always fucking in the trash.

Calm, cool hand, Luke, because I know you like this guy in the movie he got. He is a failure to communicate. Yeah. He treats my nice house like it's fucking Angola.

It's so fucking annoying. Dude, I get offended at my my heart.

I'm like, this is a nice place. We took you any piece of shit. Well, he's probably been roaming forever. They get used to roaming. Yeah.

That's like fun for them if they get accustomed to roaming around the neighborhood. Yeah. Yeah. I take my dog out all the time because we live in an area where I can take him.

It's only a few minutes from some trails. Gotcha. Yes, I take him. I run with. That's awesome. And we have a yard sale. Throw the ball in the yard or run with them.

We swim together like yeah he's the best. If you never met my dog.

No, but I fucking love it. I've never had a golden retriever before. They're nice dogs ever. Everybody he meets is like his new best friend.

So you're my best friend. I can't believe you're here everyone. If you came over my house but he'd run around in circles. They're the nicest dogs man.

There's so nice. It took me.

One of the dogs we have is a mix. It's a golden golden and I think collie and he's he's black like a full black coat. And he's just so great man.

He's he's a great dogs to. That's a good combination. Yeah. One of those dogs that you want to just take a little bit of the blood and then make another one.

Some people do. I know how weird is crazy. That's weird. Yeah. But you'll be doing it one day.

You'll have to, you'll have a guy here that'll be like, oh, I want to find out what's next and that bunch of different dogs. Different personalities. Yeah. I love dogs. Yeah that's true.

I'd like fresh. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want like my last dog was a mastiff. My name is Johnny Cash. He was a sweetheart of a dog but he's different than Marshall and Marshall's a sweetheart of a dog.

They're just, they're all different matter.

But as long as the thing is if rescue dogs I've had a couple of rescue dogs, they're just tricky. One of them was amazing and one of them killed my other dog. Are you shitting me? I know. Yeah.

I had a female pit bull that was like she was a prison dog. She was a big cat.

There was in the animal shelters, a no kill shelter. So they had her in here for a long time.

Yeah, she was in there for a good portion of her life and she would fight other dogs over attention like any if anybody was petting the other dog, she would come over and bite them like she wanted all the attention she thought you were stealing attention for.

Yeah, yeah. She was rough. I know people like that, but I know. Yeah, that's true. Especially comics. Yeah.

But in real life, like with just people, she was amazing. She was the best dog ever. You would think she had the best personality. But if another dog came near this person dog.

Yeah they and they in this prison dog killed another dog.

There was also a rescue dog. That's brutal. Yeah. It was brutal. But so I've had rescue dogs that were great and then I've had rescue dogs that were sketchy.

But when you raise them from the time they're a puppy, then, you know, you get a chance to just they know you're going to give them love.

Right. This is you know, this is my home's.

Everybody loves me, give them good food, you pet them, you give them kisses, you cuddle and snuggle with them and they know that to expect to you. So they grow up. They don't have all these weird anxieties like one of my rescue dogs. She could not stop eating. She would. She would. She was starving. When I found her. She had mange. It was horrible all over her body.

And then she would escape. She would climb under my fence, knock over the neighbor's garbage cans, eat all the garbage and come back in. Her belly was like bloated. I'm like, what the fuck have you eaten?

She was eating garbage. Like, who's taking the trash out?

Oh, she was trash was everywhere, scattered all over the place. Don't know how to figure it out.

So then we had to dig into the ground and make sure that the fence went deeper into the ground.

She couldn't go under any more. Yeah. She would lie on her back and look at her sideways. And she was like wiggling under the fence to get to the neighbor's trash.

Didn't come back. It's like I don't even know. Oh, wow. Yes. I didn't even know. She mcphatter.

That's my neighborhood. He hey, man, your fucking dog is eating my trash. I was like, really? And he goes, yeah. He goes, the girl dog.

I don't know where I go, but she's always in. He goes, dude, she gets back in he or she sneaks under your fence and comes back. Wow.

That is so fucking hilarious that your dog had you.

Yeah. Oh she had me. Wow. She, she, yeah.

She, but she would eat the cat food, she would try to eat my other dog's food. She, she was just psychologically scarred.

Yeah. Yeah. When I got her she was starving. She had all ribs. Yeah.

And then within like two months she had a full coat of hair and she looked great again. She, her mange was gone. I had to give her this medicated shampoo that kills the mange. Yeah.

She was a great dog but she had psychological problems because of the food.

Yeah I had a yeah. This dog Chenzhou we call them Tendo the prisoner Chenzhou. The the escape dog. Yeah. The Ginzo from Angola.

And we I live next to a really I don't want to say who because I don't want people to know where I live or where they live. But a really famous athlete like a really famous athlete, like talking about world famous and Chenzhou digs under the thing and goes to their house.

Oh no.

And I'm like this bullshit comedian, right? I'm like this comedian that's like lucky to live next to this world famous athlete, OK? And they're never home, of course, because they have however many houses they have.

So I have to every time and this has been like about fifteen times Kenzo goes under my my fence to get to this world famous athletes house. I got to hop the fucking gate.

This fucking Sirait comedian happened to be from this A-list A-list athlete. It's he probably has security cam. They do, right.

We've got them, bro.

I have I'm like, there's no way I'm doing this sneakily. So I guess I got to just be me and is a hundred percent. So I'm going with this trash dog just fucking and I'm in the back and I'm like, oh, this is nice.

This place is nice as fuck and I'm in the backyard. Come here buddy. And he won't come to me, you know what I mean?

It's like this place is much better over here. I'm like, Come on buddy, come on and I'll run. And finally he'll come to me and then I got to hop back over with the fucking.

And I just know that they're looking at the security camera.

They're like, is that the guy from Whitney do that?

I mean, and I'm like, people still know me from this motherfucker, this fucking dog man. So I've been to your house. World famous athlete. I'm sorry. Sorry, but got a prison dog. Yeah. Cool hand Luke Oncer once escape Continenza. That fucking dog can make your life awesome or they could be a giant pain you know.

It's, it's, it's let them escape.

Fuck them. I got to that point. Yeah. And my girl was like we can't, I'm like can't. Because here's the thing. I have this thing in my life where if something happens and it's really bad, I go through it and then when it gets better, if it happens again, it's much easier to go through it again. Right. You understand? I feel like a lot of people are like that. For the first time, the dog ran away.

I was like broken a second time.

I was like, fuck, the third time I was like, oh, this motherfucker wants to get out of here. Fuck him. He obviously wants to leave. Yeah, well, and I know where you live. Your area is coyotes. Yeah.

Yeah I know, I know. They hang out there. Out there man. Your dog Ziggs when he should have that right now they're fucked. They're going to get snatched. And I don't want to get on one of those spiky coyote vests, you know what I mean.

Those don't work. Those no coyotes grab by the face. I know. They just eat them around the vest. All will be left. Is the fucking body the face? Yeah. They'll eat their guts.

Yeah. Oh, the body. Right.

Because, yeah, they're awful. I know those fucking cunts. They're awful.

I see him. I drive by, slow down and I look at them and they just look back.

Yeah. Yeah. My, my oldest daughter lost a puppy to one.

Oh that's terrible. They're terrible. How old was your daughter when that have. She was 22, 23, 23, just brutal. It's that it's just part of living in California.

They're everywhere, man. They're all in Burbank now. I was driving down Olive and I saw three coyotes mixed in the day.

Wow. And now because there's no one driving, apparently they're everywhere. They're all over the place.

Now, I saw dude, I was in Burbank once. It was probably one we were going to in and out, so and it was about to close and it was like, you know, whatever one.

And whenever they close and I was 21 at the time, I was my buddy was driving. I was in the passenger seat and we were crossing the bridge.

To the downtown Burbank, I don't know if you've ever been there, maybe, you know, but like there's a bridge from like the valley to where you cross. It's very little. But I was crossing this bridge and there was all of a sudden across the bridge, a deer runs across the bridge in front of the car, get scared of our car and jumps off the bridge. Yeah, it jumps off the bridge. So there were three of us in the car.

We all went like we like bitches. Yeah. Like straight up. We all went and he kept driving because he was shocked. And I was like, oh, you know, stop. And he just drove. He kept driving. And then and and he was like, did you see that? That was a fucking deer? And I convinced myself I was like, I think about this like every three months. I was like, that couldn't have happened.

Right? Like, first of all, a deer in downtown Burbank and then just jumping to its death.

And he's like a little scared because the car and I was like, maybe like your headlights hit it weird. And maybe it was like a bag. And my buddy said, bag, fuck you do it.

It was a deer and you know it. And I was like trying to convince myself that it was the bag in the light because it was dark, but it was absolutely a fucking deer man.

So it just jumped over the fence. That happens all the time on bridges, you know. No, I didn't know that. Yeah. Deer jumped to their death all the time. OK, so it's a common thing. Yeah. They jump to the death in the river. They jump to their death and land on the highway. Yeah, yeah. They're not that bright. I mean. Sure. And they panic. Yeah. They tell this thing fucking panic.

They see lights, they see headlights. They that's why that's expression. Deer in headlights. Yeah.

They don't know what the fuck to do. Look they look at these deer jumping all fucked. Yeah.

That's exactly what the. Yeah. So it wasn't a. The bag. Oh, this is like who knows, maybe this was like dead, it could have been a cult for deodorant for deer, though they just think this is the day we do it.

They can swim. I've seen deer swim when Carolyn and I went deer hunting.

We watch these deer swim with that video where he's talking about shitting his pants is the fun. You laughing looks it over the top.

You with tears in your eyes. Well, you can go on trying to be quiet. That's like the perfect storm for shit that I think is funny.

Well, when and the first time we met, we were in Montana for six days in camping. It was it was one long either gay or shit joke. Of course, this is in Wisconsin.

This makes me laugh. Yeah. That's my friend Doug behind us. Doug doesn't shut up. Doug. Yeah. About that one. Forty six ninety six years ago, grazing crazy in my backyard, I had to sit in his backyard and I said, I can't tell my wife. I said, in the interest of our marriage, please don't go in the backyard and look at the light goes. You can't tell me that I'm a dog for my marriage.

I just hear her father comes running out of time to get away. Get away. Stop my car. I open my door. I was in Washington, D.C., I'm on Wisconsin Avenue and I pulled my pants and it stuck just about 100 miles hour. I would have to kill the guy. The other guy. Sorry. Sorry. That's a good thing.

Oh, that couldn't have been if that was done on stage or any other situation would have been as funny like that. So funny that you guys had to be quiet. Yeah, well, you get bored. I know we were we're standing by this field because it's loopy because you're hoping a deer comes out and then Brian starts talking about shitting himself.

Fuck, man, I love shit like that, man. I love shit like that.

If you I think if you like any age is funny, the shitting shitting yourself is funny except when you're really old and it's sad. I know what I'm saying is if you're 80 and you heard that story, you'd still laugh. Yes. Not if it happened to you when you were 80.

If you happen when you're eight, then it's especially if you're a lady like from an eighty five year old man and I shit myself. Feel free to laugh. Sure. That's OK. Yeah. We have your your permission.

Yeah but old ladies, it's like the last time I've, I've only shit myself once and I was I think 11. But yes. You're not taking enough chances.

I've almost shit myself and just made it so many times but the last time I almost shit myself and I had to pull over and was when I was going to meet Eminem.

Yeah. Yeah. Kimmel results smelling like shit with no underwear on it to take your order off and then you have to figure out what it is that you take your socks off, wipe yourself down again, not wearing socks. Then why is this my, my shirt.

And and and so I was in this the sprinter van and we were you know, I was on tour so I had the sprinter van and we were going to the.

How did that whole thing happen. Because you make fun of them. Yeah. And so he thought it was funny. Right. So I was at my old house. This was maybe two years ago at this point, and I was in the driveway. I don't remember what I was doing, but I was waiting for something. And it had been right around the time were like Eminem album came out or something. So he was on my mind and I was like, I was thinking about him.

And then I was just like, this is how he raps. And then I just started doing it to the radio. And then I was like, Oh, this is funny, I'm going to record it.

And then I recorded it one time and I was just like, Oh, that's funny.

I put it online and I put it online and it got, you know, traction for me.

It was like it had a lot of hits for me on my Instagram. And I was like, cool, great.

And then like a month later, Black Twitter took it and just was like, yo, this is this guy says this is how they didn't know. Nobody knew I was. But they were like, this is this guy says this how Eminem raps. And then it got millions of things of hits on Twitter. And then it got so big. My buddies were like, You think Eminem has probably seen it right?

And I was like, it's so big. Maybe it was one of his buddies must have seen it and showed him.

And then like a week or two later, my buddy texted me, one of the writers from that show I used to do Undateable. And he was like, bro, Eminem. And I was like, what? He was like, you didn't see check Twitter. And I checked. And he was like. I thought this was me and I was like, what, like that's like if you told the 20 year old me that Eminem was going to and then he started being like, I will rap battle crystallisation went down if you saw that.

Know, I didn't see that. Yeah. He was like, I'm going to rap out of Crystal-Clear one day. And I'm like, am I in the hip hop game now?

And and then I don't know how much you know about this, but then logic, the rapper hit me up or my manager called me and he was like, hey, so look, you know, the logic is your man and my every manager has that voice.

Look, Josh Lieberman, I don't know if you know the logic grandparental like.

Of course I do.

And he was like, he's doing a song on Eminem and he they are rapping together.

And Eminem, Eminem put you your impression, Eminem on the back and a song and they're wondering if that's OK. And I was like, of course that's OK.

And you're like, all right, I'll look into it and see. I'm like, no, no, no, no. Don't ask for any money. Just let them have it. Are you kidding me that this is even happening?

I was like, OK, OK.

And so then he comes back, he's like a logical answer. No. And I was like, yeah, OK. So I'm talking to logic and logic like. So I have a great idea for the video. I want you to play Eminem in this video. Have you seen this video?

No, no. I wish we could play it on it, but Google it.

If you're listening to everyone, Google it. But we're we're looking at it on the screen.

Yeah. Oh, you could see it. Right. But not play it. So this is so I'm playing Eminem in this video. I rap his part.

And now this is the crazy part. So, like I'm talking to logic here. And I play this like super fan of Eminem, and he's like, I have an idea. I want we're doing a video and I'm like, I'm way ahead of you. This is where we're headed. And then I take off my wig and I have always been an Eminem like stand.

And this is me doing. You got to watch this video, so I'll watch as soon as we're done.

So I'm doing this video as Eminem. Right. And we shoot this. And then at the end, you see in the video where I do the impression of Eminem at the end. Dalia doesn't play me, I play Dahlia, this is Eminem dressed as me. That's Eminem doing me in my car in my driveway two years ago. Oh, that's ridiculous. Bang, bang, bang against. Oh, that's hilarious, but so oh, and like to think of me as a 20 year old, like thinking like finding out who Eminem was and then him becoming one of my favorite rappers, of course.

And then it's just such a weird fucking thing. So that was mind blowing.

And then on the way to meet him, I shit my fucking I had to pull the spinner van over and he has no idea. But dude, it was so funny.

It was just one of those things where I was like, I think you know how you have you're like, I think I have to shit. And the next thought is I got to shit right now.

Right. You know what I mean? Like, there's no thinking involved. It's like, oh, it turned into.

Oh exactly right.

Klensch So I say to the sprinter, to the driver, I say, Hey buddy, can you pull off the freeway? I got in my head, I'm like, I got time if there's a bathroom near. Right.

So I'm like, can you pull over and find the first place?

I gotta go to the bathroom? And he says, OK.

And then a few seconds go by and I say, hey, just so you know, like now, you know, and because I'm working on something here, I got out and he says, sure enough, that no problem.

So he pulls off and and there are two ways he can go and one way he can go.

There is only a hospital, OK? And the other way he can go is into town. So I'm like in my head, I'm like, it sucks. But we got to go to the hospital. I got to use the bathroom in the hospital and I'm going to run in there.

And I think something's wrong. But I'm just gonna be like, where's the bathroom? I got to go.

This guy goes the other way into town to find a gas station. So now I'm mad, so I have to end up mad.

So I say to the guy, Hey, man, pull over. And he pulls over and I open the thing. And there were Kleenex there.

I grabbed them and I ran into someone's yard.

No, it was in the middle of nowhere, dude. It was we were on our way to Detroit and I and and I was in someone's yard. I found trees, thank God, pulled down my pants and it all came out quick.

And it was diarrhea. It was it shit.

It was it was not shit. It was not shit.

It was just it came out. It was just like. Right.

Came out like a barking dog and it was over.

It was over before it even started, you know, and and I was and I thought so much better.

And then I use the Kleenex and my opener's in the in the thing filming me, I'm like, bro, I swear to God, if that ends up on on Instagram, I will fucking.

You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done.

And not only that, you're not meeting Eminem. I'm shitting in someone's yard. You're not being a man if you post that and just in some random guy's yard and and so. So now I feel great.

I wipe with the Kleenex and I just I'm I'm sorry I did it, but I left the Kleenex so. Well, am I going to do what are you going.

And it was it was a lot. And I was like and I and I left. I got back. And the thing I was like, that was amazing. I was like, somebody's going to think there was a fucking bobcat in their yard. Like, I just and we went and we met Eminem and he had no idea. Maybe he'll know.

Now, I'm sure you've seen the show, but. Yeah. Oh, shit.

Myself on the way to fucking Eminem. So I don't really care about is shitting myself, you know what I mean.

Because I got outside and did it. Yeah. It's a gray area. Made it. I made it. Yeah. I've shit myself many too many to count for sure.

But how many of those times were you on a substance.

No, no it's not. That doesn't add to it. No.

It's usually when I'm in the car and I try to fart, I just fill my pants like no, but the last times it's been a few years.

I did have a disaster happen in the shower not too long ago.

The best I talked best place to have it. I had to like shampoo. I had a diarrhea in the shower, and then I had one of them hand things. I hose it all down for shampoo all over the floor and I don't watch the bubbles in there.

Facilities, just shitty ass washing the floor of the Joe Rogan, just fucking Elon Musk on this show and you're washing the floor of the fucking shower.

That's hilarious. I've shit myself at least a dozen times lifetime solid.

I could I could like bet a solid amount of money. Have I shit my pants accidentally a dozen times. Yeah. Wow.

I never shit my pants when I was a kid. I did. Yeah. But you said you need to take my chances. Yeah. I'm just clean bro. I just go before. Yeah. Things go bad sometimes.

I know there was one time where I was in New York and not I mean how much we can talk about shitting. But I was in New York and I felt good. I woke up. I was, I was I woke up early, you know, because. Was I was the plane ride and everything, and I was going to go fucking out in the city, you know, I take a walk and I find one of those those little kiosk place, that sort of food.

I'm like, give me a fucking bagel with bodega. Yeah, give me a give me a bagel with egg and cheese.

Bold move, is it. Yeah. Maybe from the bodega.

So I so I start eating it and I'm walking and then I take a few steps further and I'm blocks away and I'm like oh I go bathroom.

Oh good God, go bathroom. Not a big deal. And took a few more steps and I'm like oh I got to really go to the bathroom. And then I'm like, OK, so do I go back or do I find it. This is New York City. I'm going to find out. Of course I'll find a toilet, but it's too early. Not many places were open and I'm like, isn't this fucking New York City?

The city never sleeps. But that was stupid. So I was like, I'm going to try and go head back. I'll find it on the way back and I'm walking back and there's no fucking there's no on the way back. So now I'm like, I got to get back to my hotel. So I'm like, I had the more I was like, do I slow walk and look for a toilet or do I just book it and try to get back to the hotel?

So I was like, make or break time, book it. So I'm running with this fucking I threw the bagel down, you know, and I'm running to the hotel and I get to the I was like and and I got to the point where I get to the elevator and was like, if this elevator isn't here on this floor, I'm sitting in the elevator.

So I hit the thing open.

I'm like, amazing, amazing. Thank you, Jesus. Even though, you know, I don't even really believe in it. Maybe I do. Maybe I don't.

But so I get to the fucking elevator and I'm like, I got to start unbuttoning my pants right now because I don't have a second to spare. So I'm looking at my pants.

Door opens Nobody's there. Great. I'm running down the hall holding my pants, and I open the door to my hotel room. And it was set up to where there's open.

There's the door. Then there's a little bit of space. And then there's the bathroom and the toilet is here. So I had it in my head.

I was like, OK, I'm just going to undo my pants and I'm going to swing around and sit on the toilet and like, I don't have second I don't have one second to spare.

So I'm like, I got this. I got the layout and I opened the thing. The keys got to work. It works perfect. So that's got to do twice.

I get in, I swing around and I'm taking my pants like the matrix. I'm swinging my pants, make my butt into my partner and I can't help it. And at the last second I just go and I spray the wall.

I just spraying the wall on the way to the toilet.

And I sit and I got and I'm like and I'm too happy.

I know I got to clean the bathroom, but I'm too happy because you made me to.

I made it, you know, I mean, imagine if you did pray to God that the elevator was there and then like one day, like, fall off a cliff with a broken leg and you're dying and you're like, please, God save me. And the gods like you used that up.

Remember the times that shit when you shit at the cell. I got that elevator for you. Do you remember that? Yeah, that's it. That was the one you get you get one.

I would still honestly be like, thank you. I get it.

But fill my pants up. Film opens up. Take it like a man. Yeah. Make it up to that.

You know that's the thing about that's the thing about being part of the thing about being a comedian is like I started standup when I was twenty five and after that just from like bombing and everything, like I don't really get embarrassed. Do you feel the same way. Yeah, not the same way. Like if I shit my pants in public. Yeah.

And everyone was like are you shit your pants.

I'd be like you've all fucking shit your pants asshole. You have a bit now. Yeah exactly. One hundred percent. But before I did stand up I probably would have.

Oh but when you bomb in front of 300, 400, a thousand people. Yeah. There's nothing worse than that.

I'd rather shit my pants also.

You know, I don't care but you don't take yourself seriously because you can't really I mean you're making fun of everything, including your friends. Your friends are always making fun of you. Yeah. No one serious and no one's the cool guy. There's no cool. Yeah.

Yeah, you're everyone's a loser. You're a loser. I'm a loser. We're losers.

It's just this there's moments in life where you take the L I know. And you just got of laugh. I know that you guys don't know how to do that though.

Young guys. Young guys, because they want to be want to be the cool guy.

Yeah, the cool guy. It's comedians. You have to that's the one thing. There are comedians out there that don't have that, which is odd and not funny, but I don't think they're funny.

Yeah, they can be funny, but you have to have humility.

Yes. Like I mean, take it from you.

You're an alpha and but you go on stage, you make fun of yourself. Well, I'm retarded.

There's a lot of stuff to make fun of you. Everyone should make fun of themselves. It's like it's half the fun.

Look, any time you can make fun of something, as long as you're not terribly hurting someone's feelings, you're you have an opportunity for laughs. Yeah. Laughs are good.

Laughs Make you feel better trying to make somebody happy and it makes you feel happy.

Like when my kids make fun of me all the time, I am the butt of jokes concertinaed. That's funny. Your dad not just that like. Dad's a dummy, like it's always like, but it's funny, like when they when they make fun of me, I go, Hey, I'm your father, right?

I'm like, Oh my God, you're doomed. You have my DNA. Ha ha.

I mean, it's like but I think about the relationship you encounter. Like, you will go on stage while he's on stage and just start shitting up and he'll start shitting as your best. But you love each other. I love you.

It's like that doesn't exist in most men and most men your age.

Men are super sensitive about that kind of stuff. They don't want to ever lose face. They have to go into business meetings and fucking handle things like a like an executive.

Well, I can't I can't I can't imagine that life for me, it's not an honest life.

My upbringing, though, all we did, my parents, all we did was make fun. All we did was make fun of each other, like all we did was fucking bust on each other.

And we would laugh. I mean, you know, whether it was my mom or my dad or my brother, my uncle, my we all make fun of each other. And it was how we showed we love each other.

That's funny. I didn't have any of that. Really? Yeah. My house is humorless. Wow. Totally humorless.

So how the fuck did you become a comedian.

Like what is it about that from fighting. What do you mean.

Because I was traveling from the time I had a fucked up like adolescence and high school time and from the time I was fifteen till I was like 21, 22, all I did was compete in martial arts tournaments.

So we were always nervous.

So I was traveling to these tournaments to fly in and I would be the guy that made fun of every coccia. So I would like in the locker room when we were about to spar, I would do impressions of everybody having sex.

I was the guy who had like I would do I would be the icebreaker, you know, I would break the tension. I would be the guy that made fun of everything. That was how I coped with the stress. And then my friend Steve, who I'm still very good friends with this day, my friend Steve Graham, he's like, you should be a comedian.

Like, that's literally how I became a comedian. How old were you? Like, at the time when he told me that?

I think I was 19, I was 19 or 20. And I was like, come on, man. Like, I couldn't even go to clubs yet because you couldn't perform until you were twenty one.

I thought it turns out you could, you couldn't drink. You had to leave once on stage and leave.

Yeah. Yeah. But I didn't know that yet so I waited till I was twenty one but he was like because I would make them laugh but I'm like but you guys are a bunch of psychos right. I'm an asshole. Right. Right. Cause I'm like other people are not going to think what I think when I say it's funny. Yeah. And he's like I think you're really funny and I think you should be a comedian.

And so then you got on stage soon after when I was twenty one.

Right after my 21st birthday. Yeah. Wow. And then I was like, OK, this is what I'm going to do now. Like right away I knew it. I mean it wasn't like I was good or anything, but I was like, I think I can do this.

Well, who's good in the beginning. No one. Yeah.

If say you're good you're let me let's clear this up. You're not good if you just started.

No, I thought I. Well I thought I was. Yes. And then I saw a video about a few years after I started and I wasn't.

No, you're just not able to be a good comedian. But you know who has a spark?

People that have a spark is Alcoholics Anonymous people. You know why?

Because they go to those meetings and sometimes they get an act together. Yeah. They develop and act because they're telling these crazy stories about shit they did when they were on drugs and drunk. Right. And sometimes they're really funny.

You know, there was a guy named Dave Fitzgerald that got in stand up when I was like twenty one when I met him and he had been doing it maybe a year or so.

And he was already like in his late thirties.

But he was funny already and he was funny because he had been doing the Alcoholics Anonymous for years.

So and he had fucked up. Yeah. Time with drugs and drinking.

So he had all these crazy stories of just cops and fucking fights and chaos and blacking out, waking up shit in your pants and just madness. So and he had a great voice, those fucking gravelly voice. So he would go on stage and tell these crazy stories. And he so he started out like right away.

Kind of funny.

Oh, I just feel like because I start when I started stand up, I started with a buddy of mine, like he he would come with me and we would do open mikes, not on the stage together, but I would go up and then he would go up. And he had never been on stage before. And I, you know, did plays and shit.

And when I was in high school and I realized that you don't just it's not that you're learning how to be funny on stage.

You also have to learn how to be on stage, which is a part of it, which you don't. I didn't realize that until I saw me and then I saw him because he would be doing shit like holding his ankle talking.

And I'm like, he would come on stage.

I'd be like, Hey man, why are you holding your ankles? To be like, what? And I was like, did you not know you were doing that? And I was like, Oh, I don't know. No. And I was like, Jesus Christ. This guy's not even aware of what his body standing on one leg.

Yeah, holding an ankle. Yeah. I was like, you look like a fucking insecure bitch. You're stark, stark, stark stork starring. But or Pellekaan, what's the one that holds the leg up? Oh, Flamingo, Flamingo. That's right. Stork is the one that carries the baby.

No, but he and then he stopped three months later. But but but yeah, I was like I realized I had a leg up on him because I had done like at least plays and been on stage. I knew where an audience was.

And yeah, there's there's little things you could I was teaching, so I was teaching is used to teaching large groups of people. So I was used to communicate. Yeah.

You can use that stuff that obviously helps. And then but yeah, that helped. It helped a little bit but not much. No not much was terrible but but I knew that I could do it.

I was like. You did. Yeah. I was like I know I suck, but I know this is a thing you can get better.

So you knew when you were starting that you were not good.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, that's one good thing about growing up doing martial arts. Yeah.

Martial arts shows you where you're at with no questions because when you're sparring or something like that or if you get your ass kicked. So like I'm not good. Right.

And so you just you never get your ass kicked and go, I'm fucking pretty awesome. That's a very good point. Yeah. You feel you losing a fight is very humiliating. It's very humiliating.

So I knew, like, right away I wasn't good. But I also was like. I see.

Because luckily the night that I went up, Jonathan Katz, you know, Jonathan Katz from Dr. Katz, that he was the host of the open mic night, the first time I ever went up.

And then there was this guy, Teddy Bergeron. He went on stage that night who is amazing. And all these different guys that were like local Boston guys that went up, that were professionals went up that night, too. So I got to see Open Micas and I got to see professionals.

And I was like, OK, this is something you can get good at. Like this is something that if you practice and you write and you just keep working at it and you keep performing, like I kind of had a vague sense even the first time that I did it, like I could do this, I could do this, and then I did it a second time. The second time was better than the first time. And I'm like, OK, so I'm more more comfortable now.

I did a little bit better. Like, there's something to this I can I can do this. I knew right away, like within the first set first or second time that I did it, that this was going to what I was going to try to do.

That's cool. That's funny, I start when I was 25. Always, always wanted to be a comedian, always since I was I mean young.

My dad tells a story where when I was playing with my toys in front of the TV, my dad was watching a Jerry Lewis movie and Jerry Lewis was doing his fucking crazy Jerry Lewis shit on TV. And I was paying my store, my toys.

And I stopped and I started watching Jerry Lewis because he's been crazy on television and doing is funny stuff.

And I said some my dad kind of noticed and registered that I was playing with my toys and stopped and now was arrested by this by this movie and Jerry Lewis. And he's and he's a few minutes went by and then I said, Hey, Dad. And he said, yeah. And I said, this guy on TV, what he's doing all that silly stuff. This is his job. And my dad said, yeah. And I said, like, he makes money doing this.

And my dad said, yeah, man, if he makes a lot of money doing that.

And I said, and then my dad said, I went like this. Huh?

And he said that that was the moment that he kind of likes to romanticize about how I thought I wanted to be a comedian, but I wanted to be a comedian my whole life man.

And I was scared to do it until I was twenty five because I was like, I'm at a loss here. What am I doing? I was trying to write, I was trying to, you know, get scripts, turn into movies, and I was trying to work on, you know, be an actor.

But it was like you, you can't do that without other people. Yeah.

So as a as a comedian, I was like, all right, I always want to stand up. This is the time I'm 25. I turned it was like twenty five or two and six, two and six New Year's resolution January 2nd. I got on stage, I forced myself to do it and then I got on stage just everyday ever since, you know what I mean. Wow.

And now you oh you are on stage basically every night. I just knew. That, you know, there's that whole 10000 hours, if you're and dude, I would go to the Comedy Store in the at 9:00 and I wasn't I wasn't passed or anything.

I remember I met Maximino. You know him? No. Okay.

So he he would run the belly room show and I met him somehow and we got to like we like we started we took a liking to each other and I said I said, look, I'm going to come by and hang out with you.

I'm not asking to go up, dude.

I just want to come and hang and, like, soak it in or whatever. And I would go at 9:00 and I would leave at 2:00 am every single fucking night, every single night.

And more often than not, he would throw me up. And, you know, I would I would I would never push it. I hate that shit. I don't want to be like, hey, man, you got a spot. Like, I just if you want me to be on the show, then I want to be on the show. If you don't want to be on the show, I don't wanna be on the show.

And I would just get good in the belly room and but, you know. Twenty six, twenty seven. I would do it for years.

And then you did the hard too, right. I started at the heart of that was do the heart has a great spot man.

It's, it's it I the comedy store came after the ha but the ha ha was where I got my first like start because nobody would go there and I would go and were real people in the audience.

Yeah.

And you could get on stage in real shows as a young you know, I had no business being on a real show, but I would go and I would do my shit and pay five dollars for the open mic in the beginning.

Yeah. And therefore they make you pay to go on stage.

I know. And people would be like high paying fucked up. And I'm like, look, I'm just going to get on stage.

So if you've done all these years of every night basically doing standup, what is this month been like for you this month? This month? Is it been weird?

This is the longest I've ever been in a string of being not on stage. I want to be there the first night, everybody. Me too. Me too.

I do I, I've thought about this the other day. I'm like I had, you know, my special comes out today. So it's you know, you could watch it on fucking.

Oh what's it called Chris. No pain. It's on right now. It's got no pain and you know, see it right now. Yeah. Yeah. You can see it right now.

It's streaming absolutely. On Netflix.

So it's not so but my point of bringing it up, not to plug it, but I'm so happy it came out now because I don't have material that I've been like. I know. Like Ali Wong had to reschedule her fucking taping.

Oh, no, she was ready to go.

Well, Louis was supposed to film. He was supposed to film his shit.

It was like April 12th and I wasn't going to be able to make it. I wanted to see his tape. Oh, really? Yeah. I was going to try to three days ago.

You're saying he was going to do it in Boston? He was going to do when? I think it was April 12th to scheduled in Boston, it was like the same weekend. What might be like this weekend, but it came out. Yeah, but he didn't he schedules early. Oh God. OK, that's what it was it was supposed to be a couple of days ago. So today's Tuesday.

He was supposed to be like Saturday this past Saturday. And they had to do he scrambled last minute and filmed it in Washington, D.C. And they he just put it out is like, fuck it.

I'm just going to put it out on my website. But he was supposed to be filming like a couple of weeks later, like now. And when everything started closing and never to like, whoa, this shit's getting weird. Shit's getting really weird. He bumped it up. Yeah.

Quite a few people have canceled filming Schultz. And you sure he did, too?

Yeah. He was supposed to be. I think he was supposed to be this weekend now. Yeah. I think he was supposed to be in L.A. Saturday as well. Yeah, I think it's the same thing. Yeah.

I was texting with him. He's like, I think I got to reschedule. Yeah. I think I was texting with him.

I think that Louis was the week before. Whatever. It's all right Ali. I know Ali rescheduled. Where was she supposed to film.

I think DC, I think. And then she was going to and then she was talking to me. She was like, I'm going to I might, I might. She's like I rescheduled it for either June or July. She's like, I'm going to have to reschedule it again. Yes. Yes, guess so.

Because the other thing is, too, once they lift the ban of going out, you think everyone is going to run to a 20 seater fucking real dummies.

Yeah, solid dummies are going to be out there coffin in each other's mouths.

So those are my fans. Come on out, dummies. Yeah, a bunch of bug chasers.

Yeah. I think there's going to be a lot of people to go out. I think there will be the dummies that are like, fuck you. And finally, what's going to be people that are right? First of all, delusional. Second of all, relatively healthy and not concerned.

Right. Right now take a lot of vitamin C, right. Do the right thing. Sleep, sleep. Well, I've been really good with, like, all my stuff.

Like, I've been in the sauna every night for twenty five minutes. I take several thousand milligrams of vitamin C every day. Vitamin D taken all my vitamins. I do a vitamin drip with any day once a week. So we talk about Whitney on the next day. I need drips. Yeah, that's the same doctor that his company does that they do the vitamin D drips call the vitamin drips rather not vitamin D but glue to thighbones got all kinds of.

Should they put they put a bunch of shit. But why should you.

Why are you. I saw you on the talking to her on the texture and you were saying that you need to, you're trying to shorten the amount of time of doing it but you can't because it's overwhelming or something.

Well and a deal is this what is it. What is the name of it. Simple. The name of this nad shit like you can't do it standing up. She does it standing up.

I don't understand that.

But what you're doing here it goes nicotinamide, adenine, diachronic nucleoside. OK, it's a cool factor that is central to metabolism found in all living cells and a D is called dy nucleotide because it consists of two nucleotides joined through their phosphate groups. You know about all this one nucleotide contains the added nine nuclear.

But anyway, really good for you. Great for the therapy says vital functions like repairing DNA, maintaining cell health and boosting our immune system so it gives you energy, increases energy and gives your metabolism about.

So I do that once a week now and it's supposed to take two hours. The first time I did it, I got it under an hour and then I've been doing it in twenty four minutes, the last couple ones.

So it's. Yeah. So you build up like a tolerance to it or I mean just doing it.

I don't know if you build a tolerance or you just get accustomed to it. It's very uncomfortable where like you got it's a really it's real weird. And where do they shoot you in. Yeah it's an IV. Yeah.

So you're sitting there and so I just, just try to see how much I can tolerate. My goal is to get it down to ten minutes, which I think is totally doable. Yeah. To do it in ten minutes, just open it up and just, just sit there and meditate and take it and then so at the end it, the uncomfortableness is completely over gone.

Oh OK.

So it's just during while it's, while it's happening. So for twenty four minutes I'm just sitting here. But what we do is Jamie I've been doing it, we just watched Black Mirror. Yeah. Oh I haven't seen that yet. I haven't seen all of them.

I've seen like seven or eight of them. But God damn that one we watched last week. Black Museum. This was fucked up dude.

Some of them are that show is like I think for that show to be good, it has to be hit or miss because they have to take chances.

Yes, some of them are so fucking good at that show is just amazing.

Some of them are spooky. Yeah. This Black Mirror Black Museum episode was fucking incredible. I remember that one. That one messed my head up. Yeah. Like I was sitting there at night scoring Jesus. Yeah. The one I don't wanna say yeah.

I want to ruin it or anybody but it's great. Yeah it's great. The other one I love is the one where the guy is in Star Trek. Yeah. He has like a very. Troll, Star Trek, where he is the king of the world and he has all these people. Remember that one? Oh, the best ones are the first ones, though. You saw them? We went back and watched the first ones. I've seen some of the first ones the first season.

I remember you posting about the new season when you were talking about, you know, I think it would be the first time you really watched the show, but I saw it when I didn't know what it was.

And I was like, blew my fucking mind. Like nobody had talked about it.

And I was like and I saw I was like, oh, my God, I don't even watch it on Netflix in the beginning or no, I don't think it was I whatever. But was it.

I don't know. But the first I don't know maybe. Oh that's right. Yes, yes. Yes. No, the first the first episode. I don't know if it's because I didn't know what it was, but those blew my fucking mind, man.

It's the one, the new twilight, the robots chasing the lady, the little the little drone robots. A little.

Oh, that's freaky. Yeah. What is that called. Heavy metal.

And that one in black and white or. No. Did I imagine that it is OK. Yeah. Is it. It's black and white. Yeah I know it made it creepy.

Yeah. Why is it black and white creepier. I don't know. It is though. It really is. Yeah. Mm. Because old shit is creepy and that's what it used to be like.

Oh it's like an added layer of depression because everybody in it's dead. Yeah.

Like if you watch like the old Frankenstein movie those people are dead. Now you're looking at dead people. I know it's done well.

It's also everything sucked back then even being alive so bad, so bad. I guess even the show you're watching sucked.

That shows are terrible fun because they're old.

Like it's very much in a time capsule. Right. My dad would watch fucking like old black and white like combat. That show would like we're like everybody was talking like this.

Come on. I came in and it's like, who talk like that dragnet. Yeah. Do you ever see that show. Oh yeah.

Joe Friday. Yeah. Yeah. We got, we got red handed.

I want to do a show where I do that voice and it's a fucking drama and it comes out now.

Well there's certain things that you used to be able to do that you should have never been able to do that you can't do anymore. And that's one you can't be like you can't have a stage voice anymore.

No, you can't be corny like that anymore. But you can still do that if you're on the radio. Yeah, like talking about you talk about this.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we do. It's so weird. It's weird. You know, it's weird. When I used to do radio you would go and you talk to a guy and they would be normal like hey man, where are you from.

Where would you go. Oh Boston. Oh cool, cool, cool. All right.

So I'm listening to weather and traffic and I'm like, OK, cool. And he's like, oh, come on over the hour.

All right, dude, that's actually so fucking stupid. It's weird.

It's those guys are those guys are always like, you know, when you would come up to in the clubs and shit and like you'd go on the road and then like you would do like the the six o'clock morning news. Yeah.

And those guys, would I always describe those guys as like you can hear their face, like, you know what I mean.

Like they'll be like so we're talking about so you know, you talk, you come to Atlanta, you know, you do the show. So what's that like for you? And then they lean in and you're like this guy's face fucking makes noise. It's the weirdest thing. And you don't know unless you've been there.

But dude, their faces are loud and shit like you can see the cracks behind their face if they're real, who they really are.

When you're close, you can't see on TV, you just take newscaster for granted.

Wonder who was the first guy that had the radio voice and then all the other people just started copying him. Like how did it become that voice on top of the hour here on one hundred six point five?

And they do they do that. It's not w it's w w w you fucking.

And then the OGA boy, I think it's another version of that. The strip club deejay, it's almost the same guy, almost the same guy. So close variation.

But to the stage we got Sheppeard come to the stage. It's like a liger, it's like a cross between tiger and a lion strip club deejay weatherman.

It's going to be raining and here comes fucking candy. Here comes Lexy's to the main stage. That's a weird Cinderella.

Just why. Yeah, why can't it just be like, all right, here comes the fucking next dancer.

It's got the exotic. Please welcome exotica. Please welcome Pluto or my Pluto is the fat one though.

It's the planet I know the planetoid the planet as a stripper.

I'm throwing it out there. Yeah, because it comes Frankenstein stripper like this. Yeah.

Maybe a stripper. That's really the monster movies. Yeah. She gets all made up. Made up. Yeah. Oh that exists.

Blood around the wrist. Stitches. Yeah. Dum dum dum dum dum dum.

If it exists you think, you just think of a new thing. There's too many people out there and it's too late in the game. Yeah. You can't, you can't. I posted on Instagram yesterday this gay twinks for Trump. Oh. That they had a party where they were trying to catch the covid. covid, and I said, you know, any time here, this is what I wrote, I wrote, if you think you've seen it all every day, the Internet will prove your incorrect.

Right. And first post, Tony. I had a blast. All caps.

But what's crazy is the comments were people were angry at me.

Like for what really, really, really dumb Trump supporters. Right. There's a spectrum of Trump supporters. Some Trump supporters are very intelligent people that just like his economic policies and some people like Trump's my board.

That's right. You don't do nothing bad about Trump. And those people are good. I can't believe you sold out. So your fake news, like they were angry at me.

And what was their gripe that, you know. You know, when I see the rare times, what I'd venture into the comments to see what the fuck is going on?

Oh, man, it's usually a disaster and I never do it. But this is the problem with being home all the time. I know all this extra time I find myself eating pasta.

I'm doing a lot of things I shouldn't do when I read the comments on that one.

Got to eat fucking paste and read. But it confirmed to me that I shouldn't read comments.

I know I really shouldn't. I'm definitely better at that than I was. I used to. I used to. I used to have fun, like talking shit to people.

I used to do it all the time. And and then I was like. My girl was like, what are you doing, you're going to be fuckin like 40 and like. What is your kid, he's going to see this shit. I'm like, yeah, you're right, I should stop doing that. And she's like, by the way, do you want to be fucking really famous or what? And I was like, I don't know what.

I don't even really think about it.

She's like, fucking Captain America doesn't do this shit as a kind of right.

Captain America doesn't do this. Captain America go back and forth to people on Twitter. Chris Evans. Right.

I was just like, yeah, Twitter's hot right now. There's so many people. I mean, hot in a bad way. There's so many people angry because everyone's locked inside. Like Twitter is the place where you get the most.

And it's the yeah, I by the way, I even go on Facebook. So, no, that seems like a fucking cesspool that does.

But you have too much freedom to write long things on Facebook. Good point. People are just too verbose. They just as too much nonsense.

Yeah. Like I'm not reading your novel.

Yeah. I'm not either man about this. I'm not even going to read your novel, even if it's about me.

I just.

But you get tweets and shit people are at least as concise but people I, I don't ever know when something is going to be offensive or not.

I was reading Marin's Twitter, as Maren said, it's OK to go for a drive, right? Yeah.

And some lady attacked, like I wouldn't even tell you.

And then she wrote, like all all like twenty different hashtags, hashtag covid-19, hashtag quarantine, like trying to get so much attention. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Her tweet that she's tweeting at Margitza, Mark went back with her and then she went back with Mark my get out.

Yeah. Mark, you need friends. Yeah. They're going to to that stop go for that fucking drive. Don't be arguing with this lady.

I know. First of all, you probably shouldn't go for a drive just to go for a drive, but. If if most people aren't doing it and the roads are dead, it's I don't think it's that big a deal realistically. Now, if you say that the problem is that a lot of people are going to go do it right.

Of course. Just go for a drive. Right. So you can't really say that. So you shouldn't say I'm just going to go for a drive. Just go for a fucking drive. Right. And if you get pulled over by the fucking Gestapo, you say I was headed out for toilet paper.

Yes. It's not that bad, that's the move, guys, just say I was headed out for toilet paper. Everybody just goes OK, or bullets. Did you see that ran out of bullets?

I needed bullets and toilet paper. Did you see the guy who I put on my Instagram? But I went to my mental Walgreens and I had gotten some stuff, you know, have a mask on and shit and.

And they and and there was this lady that was checking out in front of me and behind the counter, I say to the guys at 8:00, you know, over the lady, I was like, hey, I was interrupting.

Like, Do you guys have toilet paper? You guys all out? Because everyone is all out, you know? And he was like, he saw me.

And he goes like this, oh, hold on a second. And I was like, OK, you got the hook up or what?

And he was like, hold on here. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. So, so, so he so he was like I was like, OK. And she finished reading her up and he goes like this, hey, come here.

I swear to God. So I follow this guy to the back of Walgreens and he goes like this way right here.

I'm like, OK, he walks through those fucking metal doors in the back. Are you. Exactly.

And comes back with 24 rolls and he goes like this. I'm not supposed to do this, but you go, man, I'm a big fan. And I was like, oh really? And he was like, yeah, man. And he was ringing me up and he was like, makes my day that you came in here, man is the least I could do. It's hilarious.

I was like, at least my comedy culminated in I get to fucking shit for a few weeks.

What, why was he hiding them. What was. That's what I don't get. I don't understand. Open there's someone cool comes on.

I think, I think in my head I for some reason I feel like they just didn't put it out or he was hoarding it for me. Maybe it was his personal thing. Yeah.

And he had like but he was the he was the nicest guy.

And then I and then I put that story on my Instagram and then he hit me up and he was like, hey man, this is so great.

You put it on your thing. I can't believe he was just really sweet man. It's just. Well, that's nice. Yeah.

You know, it has a happy ending. Do you have those bidet toilets in your house that shoot water up your ass? I got sent one. They're so good. Are they right here? You want to go take a shit? Good.

All right. Do you have to. I did drink some coffee. Do you think you got one brewing? There was. How long is podcast going.

Keep going to your shit. My bed. Twenty minutes ago I did the best. Dude cleans you up does it. Oh yeah. Because I always feel like ok they're still shit in there the way. But you look at that whatever is clean.

OK, clean. Just wet. I got something for you though.

Do you take Metamucil with the. No. OK, I don't need to think.

No problem shitting. OK, well what do you mean. Like I mean I don't really have a problem shit. But I'm cyber thing. Right. Well my point is eat vegetables.

I eat a lot of vegetables. OK, I believe you. Yeah. So I don't want the attitude about my fucking vegetables. OK, when I was eating the Carnivore diet I had no problem shitting either.

Well maybe you just have a good fucking system man. I think so.

So I like how we get constipated sometimes. No, no, no I don't. It's not that.

OK, the thing is, I don't know man. I'm sensing a little defensive. No, it's not. Now, I'm in a thing where if you say, well, how am I going to defend it? So I so I, I sometimes have to wipe a bunch.

Oh, splatter.

Now when I say bladder's it's no it's just not congee cream cheese steinruck sort of make this for you is the least gross is possible.

But we've talked a lot about shitting on this. So I take it I take to skip to that a day that shit comes out.

That's it. I don't even have to wipe. I do but I wouldn't need a bidet or anything.

Hmm. OK, it congeals. Good man. It's nice to know that it's all polished up. Washed down.

Sure. It's shiting. It's good to know. It's also it's warm like the one we have.

Oh it's nice. Yeah it is warm and then the warm water sprays on your ass.

You can enjoy it, you enjoy it sometimes talking to people on the phone, they like you peeing. Oh no, no, no. Hot water shooting all over my ass. I clean it off.

Are you jerking off? Not me. I got a disgusting piece of shit.

I'm cleaning my butthole, bro.

Yeah, it's nice. It feels good. I think I've done it once or twice that like some hotel or something. It's a must.

It's almost all in all.

I have my I have when they said that I think I sponsor for my. I sent that or something. Yeah.

They go you must have it. It must be done a or something. Yeah. OK, that's one of the ones that installs in a regular torchy an excellent choice.

Shout out to Toshifumi and not that expensive either. It's a good economical. I tell you what, it's hard enough to get fucking toilet paper now you might as well get some tuition going.

All you need is like a little tiny little, you know, toilet paper comes in like little one piece. Yeah, we never know.

But you could get away with two two pieces with this really today.

Yeah. Just Dabdoub. Just give you a little dab. Nice.

Drop it in the bowl and cool. Oh all gone. That's nice. It's wonderful. It's warm water to just hook it up. Just hose hoses down. Nice. It's a car wash for you, but there you go, see, I wasn't thinking about this, right? Yeah, it's also I don't I don't want to get personal, but do you have a lot of asshole hair? I'm a hairy guy. Yeah, me too. Yeah.

But I've been using one of the manscape thing.

Oh, those are great. I do the balls go down the hill. Yeah. Well you go in there idiot asshole. How do you know you're getting it. Why don't I take chances.

I'm a guy.

I have a guy is is the doctor that fucking pricks me and I even have an assistant.

I know that's crazy to me. I don't want one. I think once you have an assistant you probably have made a mistake like you. You're doing too many things, do less things.

Yeah. There's some weird person who goes and does everything for me, I guess.

I mean, yeah I guess, I guess I just cancel your flight isn't for. And then here, here's your hotel reservation. I remember my mother and I walked her dog. I did that in my room and I just want to be as normal as I can be. Interesting. Yeah.

I don't know how I feel about that. Do you have an assistant? I don't. Good.

Yeah, I the same boat. Do you. Thinking about getting one. Huh. Well I've always like I should I get one. I put pressure on you.

Some people the first one to have an assistant Almagor was an assistant so I told Al Madrigal I go do less shit.

He goes yeah. I go yeah do less shit, just do less shit. You don't have to. You decide what you need to do. Right. Have you doing so much that you need an assistant now?

Are you going to deal with this person whether that person has a like a kidney stone or they fucking lose their car.

That's funny. Yeah. Yeah. Have some new person you have to deal with their problems.

I had a real Hollywood moment once where we were like the up fronts for Whitney, the show that I did like fucking nine years ago.

And I found myself just fucking weird Hollywood moments. But I found myself at dinner sitting next to Vince Vaughn and he was actually on the show with me now. So this is great.

And I was like, Yeah, yeah. But he was like, you made it.

This is awesome. I mean, I know you're a comedian, but I have a show. And I was like, oh, great. And he was like, why did he have an assistant? And I was like, no, he's like, you got to get an assistant, buddy. You made it. And I always think when getting an assist, I think I always think back to Vince Vaughn telling me I needed to get an assistant.

And I was like, maybe I should get an assistant coach.

Vince Vaughn said it being Vince Vaughn had a conversation once about business managers. I pay all my own bills. I don't want to. I used to have he said, yeah. And I was like he was like five percent. And I was like, give him five percent.

So I'll have to think of yeah, yeah. I don't want to think about how to pay everything I have about your parking ticket. He's paying all of his own bills that Vince Vaughn. Yeah, well maybe maybe he quit. You think he was several years ago.

This was more than a decade ago.

But I remember having this conversation with him like, yeah, I did not take life. That seems like if you had to look, how much would you get paid an hour to do so?

Yeah. Eltis taxes in someone else's bills and someone else is not worth it.

Especially he's making he's making shitloads. Yeah. Yeah. Moviestar. Yeah, yeah. I just watched him the other night and something I love. It's fun.

Oh dodgeball. I watched made.

Have you seen that movie made. No it's like swingers. And then they wanted to get the guys back together again as Jon Favreau directed it. And it's Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn.

How many years later was everybody fat? No, not yet bro. They're fucking the is hilarious. Puff Daddy's in it. Really? Yeah, it's bad. He was Puff Daddy. Yeah.

Are you allowed to call him by his dead name? I don't know how you can do it because you know, you can't do that with transgender people. You get kicked off Twitter for life.

I know you call Caitlyn Jenner Bruce, you'll get kicked off Twitter for life. I saw that. I think I saw a clip on your show as fuck to Marc Maron.

If I want to go for a drive, though, and yes, we tag it to the end of time, put twenty hashtags up. No one cares.

Put it, you know, keep tweeting. Keep hashtag health care. Hashtag Obama's tag. First responder. Hashtag Obama. Yeah. Obama endorsed Biden. I'm sold.

I know. Yeah, he's fine. Now what's Obama dorsum not.

You can't remember anything. Do you see what Donald Trump Jr tweeted or he put it on Instagram that Biden is like a web browser?

It's no, it's a hilarious meme.

The memes have just begun and here we are. It's April.

But by the time November rolls wrong, I don't the the look at this debate, what is mine is like a web browser.

Nineteen tabs are over and seventeen are frozen, has no idea where the music is coming from.

The fact that he's posting this world is just insane world.

So dude, I tweeted something.

I was I was like, I don't know if you're going to get pissed off at this or what, but I tweeted, Oh, great. Berney dropped out. Now, the only thing that has happened is Trump and Biden need to drop out.

And and I was like, I'm my get fucking shit for this. But I didn't like it.

But I think it was I hit everybody, you know, but like, do it.

It was just like the fact that we have these options. Or just, I don't know, I'm a fucking idiot. I'm not good politically, but yeah, I'm neither. I'm not good politically either.

But it's just when you see, I just the debate, Trump vs. Biden, it's going to be a mess. We're just gonna be like, what are they talking about?

Trump Trump's press conference yesterday, I said, I've watched a bunch of women and I'm like, what am I doing?

Like, it's just he seems like the negative attention. It just finally getting to him. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I saw the clip where he was like, you're nasty or whatever he was saying. You're a disgrace to the to the reporter. Yeah. He was saying you're fake.

Yeah. He always says the ratings are down in ratings are down.

You have no credibility. Yeah. That's his his thing is I always go after the ratings, which is kind of funny.

It is funny too because he was tweeting about he was like, I'm number one on Facebook. People reading that on there.

Yeah. People reading it on their phone is are dying from Korona number one and face on No. One on Facebook is the way. What even is that. What does that mean. How do you know for how long a minute. Who's I know.

I know it's constantly changing. No one on Facebook is like I have the coldest part of the ocean, like. Yes. Who's so big? Oh, percent is the analogy.

How are you measuring that? He said that his covid-19 his coronavirus reports had higher ratings this season finale of The Bachelor.

That's so surreal. So you just can't be real life. It's so silly. It can't be real life.

The one thing about Trump is whether you like him or not. He is funny. Oh, he's hilarious. He is funny. He's hilarious.

He's a funny guy. He might not be fit to be president. You might be one of those, you know.

But who is? Forget it. Whether you think he's fit to be president or not fit to be president. If you deny the fact that he's funny, we have a problem.

Yeah, that's that's that's that's that's where I'm at.

We can argue whether or not he's doing a good job economically or bad job.

Sorry, but guess what. Yeah, he's, he's full of laughs. That fucking time that he was talking about buying Greenland he goes I promise not to do this. He had a photo of a huge Trump Tower in the middle of Greenland.

I didn't see that. It's really that's funny.

It's laugh out loud. I was dying when he was like, what did you see the press conference he doing? It was like, yeah, they said I didn't do a good job, but I did a good job. And this is the proof. And he shows us a little piece of paper and he goes like this. So, you know that they were lying.

And he flicks the paper so that he is like that on TV. Oh, my goodness. Check it.

Fucking lunatics lunatic is not what you would expect, right? No. You expect a person to be like Obama or like Clinton or whoever to be presidential like Bush.

You don't expect that what I thought. But that's what I thought Bush was. I thought Bush was the guy that everyone was like finally a regular guy like me, a regular guy.

And I was like, OK, it'll be a while until that happens again. Yeah. And it came back. I mean, Trump's like he's like the guy in your family were like, oh, he's coming to Thanksgiving. Like this motherfucker is going to be talking the whole time. And then you find out his president is Greenland, I promise not to do this degree less believable, just one gigantic Trump Tower.

This is Trump in the middle of Greenland. With the explanation, exclamation point, yes, come on, that's fucking funny, that's funny. He like, read tweets, memes and shit weird, but also like that that thing. Look at the doctor behind him with a shirt, with a shawl.

Just when he does, his face is like, what is happening? Look at look at it. Why am I here. OK. Oh so funny.

She's got the same look like as if someone farted and she's not going to say anything but she smells it and like oh god yes she does.

And she's always wearing those capes and she does wear a lot of capes.

Yeah. And what is that about being older. That's a great in New York City to respect me. Chris Callan, is it should be on his way. Yeah, he's on his way. Get here. This fucking guy.

Now I know when he said, like, we set it up for him to get tested to when he said, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think it could be their. What does that mean? Are you coming or not? I think so, like the though like you should to do, by the way, nobody has shit to do right now, like I said to do. He was driving. Didn't know where the fuck was he driving.

Where is he driving?

If he's not doing a podcast today, he doesn't have shit to do. And I don't think he's doing a podcast today. He's got Parkinson's. You have not one to get 80 podcasts.

There was a time we had a lot. We had we had like a lot.

And like the one of them was like the intellectual one. And I was like, hey, man, that one, some drop that one.

Yeah. What they call it mixed mental. That's it. The name dude makes the mental arts right.

How many episodes.

However many episodes there were. There were that was that many to that. To many that many times the conversations weren't bad but the title had to go. I don't know, I never I never.

Impossible. Yeah. Impossible. You can't do mixed mental arts yet. Something like that.

It might have been worse than that. I might be blacking out.

I think it was that that's over. He's the only guy I know with a TV show that's hoping it gets canceled. So funny. He is like, I can't do this. I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm like, I told you, he sent me a video a few weeks ago and he was like, work my whole life as an actor. He I don't like a fucking Iron Man thing. And it's like a thing that was blinking because he was dressed for the scene and he was like, this is my life, man.

And it was a fucking fighter. He was like, he hates it.

I think it's so boring because the people are great. I love working with these people. The thing is, it's so boring and it takes so much time. I'd rather just to stand the thing is, is just here it is.

Give it your air drop on, I can send it to you so you can play it, who knows what he says. If it's OK, I can cut it out. If it's bad, why is he saying something bad?

I don't think he gets in trouble for.

I don't think so. Airdrop young Jaimie's. Here we go. Represented to both of them. You get it right, but he is a fucking hysterical man.

I mean, I don't know anyone like him, dude, he is the only one time this is this is how he is. Just so you know, everybody who's listening. One of our best friends. Right? Sure.

We talk a lot of shit because it's fun. But he said he'd be there in 20 minutes.

Right. We were at dinner with the friends. That was SASO. Was there other guys that we knew for a while and a few of them had never seen me do stand up and we're at dinner.

And I was like, I got to leave, guys. I got I got to set at the comedy at the Comedy Store.

And they were like, oh, you do well when you go on. And I was like, well, I got gotta get there early because, you know, I won't be late for the spot, but as always, get there by whatever nine, 30, come on by. And they're like, oh cool. Well I'll come.

So I go, I go, I tell the door guys are like my buddies are coming.

SASO can be there. You know who he is that I'm in with a crew and also can to be there. So um so I, I get on just like oh yeah.

I said they may come when I'm going. I said whatever, let them in. So I get on stage, do my set and my guy at school, my friends are here you know, get off stage and I say hey would you see my friends. And they never came. And I said what.

So I called Will Sasso and I was like, Hey Will, did you guys come? And he was like, Brian said you were going to the Improv instead.

And I said, What? And I called because he's the improv. So, you know, Brian. So that's how I know you're good friends with Brian. So I called Brian and I'm pissed.

I'm like these motherfuckers. Why did why would you do this? They wanted to see me. They'd never see me do stand up like it's fun for me. Like it's fun for me to do it for them. It's fun for them to see. And I call Brian. I'm ready to get heated. Adam, just be like, what? Because this motherfucker had to sit at the Improv and even fucking mention I forgot.

And they were like, Where are you? He's like, come on to the improv.

Right? So he stole the time from me. Right. So I call and I'm here. I'm going to yell at him.

Right. And he picks up the phone. And before I can even talk, he says, you ruined the night.

And I said, what? And he said, We're at the fucking improv, dude, come on over. And I was like, You motherfucker.

And he was like, nah, they don't want to watch you. They're going to watch me. And I had to respect it. Do that mean.

Well, that's a good approach. If you're going to do something like that, just go on the offensive right away. It's a great.

Yeah. You don't you don't want to be. Oh, do I go in the. Yeah, yeah. Oh woops. You got to love a man.

Yeah. You got to love him. That guy is just a mile a minute and he is insane.

He's, he's way more calm now than when he was younger, when he was like thirty years old. Couldn't imagine he would, he always had these girls that were useless. They were, they were like runaways and they were stealing from him.

They were they would stay in his house. It was like some new girl stay in his house, like, what are you doing?

What are you doing? It was always a mess.

So one time I remember he came over my house and we're going to have dinner and we're going to watch something like a fight or something.

He came over my house. He was over at my house for ten minutes and he goes, I got a party I have to go to, but I'll be back a little later.

I'm like, I'm like, what are you doing?

You came over for ten minutes. You tell two different people that you're going over.

Of course he did. I might have. I go. We'll just tell them to go fuck off.

Yeah, but it was like I think it was like something where it was like some producer guy who is hoping was kind of like put him on something. I'm sure he was literally over my house for ten minutes. Unbelievable.

This guy play this play, look at look at him. And this is the reason I stay on set for twelve hours. But it's worth it. It's worth it because I get to wear a helmet to take off if I get to run around shoot. You know what he looks like and pauses.

You know he looks like who's that old Ian MacLellan from the X-Men we played Magneto. Yeah. You get get a photo of Ian McKellen as Magneto.

That's by the way. How does he look gayer than Ian McKellen in the fucking thing? He does look yeah. He looks cool. Is gay, isn't he? He's real gay and he's real old. And Brian looks older and gay.

The older magneto. Who, me? I needed image quickly.

Oh, wow. Oh right there. Look at right there. Right. Yeah, that's the one.

That's, that's, that's Coulon. That's younger or Coulon. Yeah. It's younger and less gay. Look at that. Go back to town. Thank you.

Nailed you.

Nailed it. That's Leon McKellen.

Look at the whole look for when he comes in here in ten minutes when he gets here.

That's the look of it. Exactly. How are you guy in the middle?

Please, please don't do this. I want to be able to pull it up immediately and just say Chowan. Guess what we were talking about.

I love fucking making fun of friends. He looks older than that guy. How does he look? I don't know. The lighter or some shit.

The lighting it's working on the set makes some old because he hates the thing about like.

You know, I've gotten to do some cool shit like, you know, I was on that show you that I really like and like, you know, I was on three episodes of that.

What was that? You know, the show, you know, what is it? Oh, it was like it's like the stalker show on Netflix where, like, the guy stalks the girl and you're rooting for him somehow. And you're like, yeah, it's really interesting the way they do it. It's very you know, it's really fucking bendable, like it's like one of those in the next episode.

And I had watched the first season and it was a huge hit on Netflix. It was on the Lifetime network. It wasn't a hit. Netflix bought it and then it just blew up. I watched the first season and I liked it. And then this part came up for me to do in the second season.

And I was like, Oh yeah, I want to do it because I like the show and it's drama.

You know, I'm not, you know, because the best version for me comedically is to do my fucking stand up. I'm not I want to be in you know, this is like someone cares, whatever.

So I was like, it's interesting to me. I want to do it. And I did it. And I played the kind of like nemesis for the main guy for the first few episodes.

And it was it was it was cool, but it was drama. So you're not, like, laughing all day, like I'm tied up to a chair fucking I'm doing these kinds of roles where I'm like fighting and shit and and it's it's it's boring, you know what I mean.

Like, you're waiting for this shit. Here we go. You do the same thing nine times. Hurry up and wait. Yeah. And then we are doing it. You doing the same thing nine times.

And it's a drama and I like the project and it was great to do and I'm happy I did it. And the show's great. I love the show. But the actual experience, if I'm being honest to do this, like thinking about The Revenant.

Like that, saying that was fun has to be the wrong word to do, that is fulfilling, sure, rewarding, rewarding, great. But it's not fun to be in that.

Well, make up the first, like the way you do your podcast, you just rent.

So it's like in the moment, right. Then the way you do standup, you're on stage. It's live. Right. It's all in the moment.

Totally. There's that preparation all for the premiere.

They're all just waiting.

Here's the premiere. Yes. And at the end, everybody loves it. Hey, great. There's six months of my life. Yeah. Now I wait to see what I'm doing next and I start doing the new thing or. Christ, I know. And if you have one that sucks, like I was talking to Downey right after look.

Yeah. I guess bombed hard and the critics went after the bomb. It's good for a nine year. Sure. But it's just so hard to break through.

Yeah. Anyway, it's fucking it's not the best movie. That's the reality of it. And the guy came off of The Avengers, which is like one of the greatest iron comic book movie series. Yeah, yeah.

And he is Iron Man. Like you can have a bunch of different Spiderman's. You could you could replace the Incredible Hulk.

Yeah, he's Iron Man. You try to have some new Iron Man. People are going to get the fuck out of here.

That that's not what I saw a clip of you. Maybe if you weren't real young, the beginning of Iron Man, and he was like Twenty Iron Man was never young. Yeah. In the comics and the comic book, he was an older guy who was a genius.

I saw a clip where you were talking to him. I love him. And and he was saying and you were like it would be you were saying nobody else could be Iron Man. You got to be Iron Man. If you ever come back, you got to do it. And he was like, maybe I will, maybe I won't. He was like, and you said it would be so awesome if you came back and you said it would be also awesome if you never came back, like, you know, I mean, and I was like, that's that's that's fucking I thought it was interesting because it's like.

Yeah, I wouldn't fuckin you wouldn't want to see, because he is Iron Man, right, but you wouldn't want to see him had anyone else do it. But him hanging it up after that is the shit. Yes.

Because some things go bad. You don't produce to be awesome. Like Star Wars.

Like I was reading this thing with this girl was who plays one of the people in Star Wars, was bummed out at how bad the movie was received.

And she's like, I had such an amazing time doing the film and I really loved it. And then people just shit all over it. Right? And I was like, well, yeah, that's that's what you do, right? You put something out. Doesn't just because you enjoy doing it doesn't mean people are going to like it.

So if you're like if you're Harrison Ford, right.

Who spoiler alert got killed, he might have gone out right in time. Yeah. You know, saying yeah. Before those things went totally sideways.

It's just like a show that's like, why Breaking Bad? I had never seen Breaking Bad ever. And I'm on season five now. There's a quarantine. I'm like, great, you know, I'm watching the show. It ends after five seasons. If a show goes beyond five seasons, it's really hard to maintain real hard.

I mean, like I was I watched Dexter after Four Seasons. I thought the first forces were fucking amazing. After the John Lithgow season.

I was just like, all right, I lost it at the John Lithgow, the John Lithgow. And I was like, yeah, it's just like you would have been caught. Yeah.

He was talking about, you know, I mean, it's like, yeah, there was also like there's a terrible scene where he's choking some girl in a bathtub and like, yeah, I choke people's fake fake stupid rear naked one.

Now it was a really good show. Oh it was. And then he cut her leg in the bathroom like this is and she's not even fighting. This is not people fight you like a wild animal. You can't hold on to somebody like that.

It just you can't do a show like Walking Dead. That is great.

For three seasons, it was fucking that second season was amazing. Great.

But then it's like, OK, I got to a certain point, like, this is fucking terrible show. No, but but and it's not even it's not even the show's fault. It's the fans fault. You keep watching the shit.

It's like you can't make a show good for thirteen seasons.

And unless you have like fifty people that are writing it and one hundred and eighty people that are working on the set and all those people have jobs, you want to stay employed. So everybody keeps going. And if you quit then everyone's going to be mad at you. Yeah. Yeah.

And your heart's not in anymore. I mean like you know, Sopranos was I think six seasons. I think that's the most you can go maybe. Yeah.

Lost. Lost was another one. By the time it was over, I was like, what is this shitty show. Right. They used to be amazing.

People forgot about lost. Lost was a fucking amazing juggernaut on this show. Yeah. I saw the first few seasons and it was just, you know, that show got lost. I think know that that because it was it didn't come out.

It came up before the screaming shit, you know, I mean, once that if that came out like a few years later, it would have been people would still be talking about it. But I feel like people don't because J.J. Abrams became such a big deal and now they talk about him doing other shit, which is they forgot about it.

Just to mention, the thing about shows is now, unlike back in the day, you can access all of them.

So it's not like if you wanted to watch Starsky and Hutch 20 years ago, like, good luck. Where you going to find it? Right. Right. Is there a DVD of stars?

Kind of forgot about that. You can't watch. You couldn't watch. You couldn't watch it.

So once the show was off the air, it was just off the air. Yeah. But now they just pile up.

I know.

They just keep piling up.

He's no way you can watch Handmaid's Tale and Ozark and Stranger Things.

That's why I give you got to be OK with giving up. You've got to give a shows, not your bag. You got to give up like a Game of Thrones. I watch it for Forces'. I know you love that fucking show. Yeah, I know, but I just. You know what? It's not my style of show, man.

Why are you saying mean awesome. No stuff. No, it is awesome but it's only awesome.

It's like Breaking Bad. The reason why I love Breaking Bad. The reason why Sopranos I love it so much is because there's fucking humor in it, man.

There's humor in it.

Sometimes there is zero humor in Game of Thrones. It's true.

And I get that that's a style.

But I just can't be sucked into something for five or six seasons where nobody trips, where nobody is just like awkward at a table and they're just talk about dragons in the most serious fucking way.

Yeah, but there's real dragons back then. I know there were real dragons back then, but still problems. They're real problems. People are like and I'm not rating and I'm not saying the show's not great.

It's absolutely great. And I could never fucking put that show together in my life. It's ah, it's awesome. But it's just awesome all the time. And I need a break from it. So you need humor.

I and I don't need something to be reportedly funny. The whole time is a matter of fact. I don't want it to be so funny the whole time.

Sometimes funny. Yeah. Sometimes you watch Ozark. Ozark, the first season I saw it was killer. Loved it.

Did you give up after the first season. Yes, because it was mostly only awesome.

The only humor that ever came is because Jason Bateman is humorous. Yeah, it wasn't a humor. It wasn't a humorous she wasn't like, yeah, but it's so good.

The only time I can be involved in a fucking movie or something with zero humor is if it's with, like, Liam Neeson in it and he's just kicking ass the whole time until the end.

See, I feel like he's got brittle bones. He's too old. I don't buy him with all these face punches and stuff. The guy's going to break his hand.

I just taken his the shit to me. But yeah, of course he's going to after a while, I'm like, you can kick his ass. I know. But also you watch a show with your kids in it. Yeah, but but this is more realistic. Old man is going to punch somebody. They're going to duck. He's going to catch them on the forehead, his hands going to shatter.

It's going to blow up like a balloon. That's what I know. Yeah. Yeah I know that.

Yeah.

I think it's going to when a show tries to be a little bit too much, the realness of it, you're like, OK, it's not real anyway.

So just that's what I'm saying. I'd rather watch Outbreak than fucking contagion because it's like especially now I watch Outbreak the other night and it was like and you were we talked about this before podcast.

You were like, how now? And I was like, yeah, because it's it's kind of silly, but contagion I can't do.

I heard Contagion's almost perfect. It didn't like. That's how these things break out. No, it's great.

It's a great movie, but it's a game that you can play like a virus end of the world game. I forget what it's called. Maybe it's pandemic, I forget what the name of the game is, but my kids were playing it long before all this shit was going on. And what's crazy is the way this game works. If you have a if you have a virus that kills people quickly, it doesn't spread.

I was just saying this on my podcast because it's in the virus. Best interest to spread slower. Yes. So it hits more people. That's why this one so crazy, because not only does it spread, but it spreads through a bunch of people that don't even show symptoms.

So it's slow because it wants to survive. That's fucking creepy. This is the weirdest fucking virus ever. It's creepy. It's so weird because I've never even heard of something where people so many people test positive and nothing happens to them. Weird.

But some people are dead right now.

I mean, we've lost a lot of, like, really cool, interesting people are gone because of this virus and then other people just shake it off like George Stephanopoulos. Nothing. Well, I didn't know you had it. Yeah, his wife's got it real bad.

I did a TV show his wife way back in the day, and she apparently has a bad body, aches and pains.

And Ali Wentworth, she's cool as fuck, but she's really hilarious, too. So she's got it really bad. And he's.

How old are they? I don't know. And she's probably like, how old is she? I don't even know.

He's 59, so he doesn't even have any symptoms. He said he doesn't feel anything. He tested positive and she's really struggling.

That Chris Cuomo guy, he's got it.

And he just has like a mild fever at night. He says it gets better. Yeah.

Yeah, mild fever. But yeah.

I mean, how much different do you think it would have been if Tom Hanks died? Would have been rough. But but people I think people would have been a lot scared. Oh, yeah. Or Rita Wilson. Yeah.

You know, if his wife died, he lived well or she she lived and he died off of Bill Withers.

Didn't die from it. Right. He died from something else. Right. Didn't have a heart condition.

But yeah, I don't think he died from covid so he just died in the middle of it all. Yeah. So that guy from Saturday Night Live died who survived.

Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That they all loved.

So sad man. Yeah. There's a lot of people gone man. A lot of people gone.

This is like I said, it is a weird virus where it doesn't necessarily really make sense, where some people get it and it's devastating and other people get it and it's it's just does nothing weird.

But my parents are fucking 72. Seventy, seventy seven. He wants me to my three parents.

No I don't either but me too. So I got eight parents, my mom, my dad and my other dad and.

No and you know, you got to think about like yeah, I'm just at home.

My mom, 73, same deal. You know, they're they're worried about it. If you had you young. Yeah. Yeah.

She had me when she was twenty one night. It's one of those things where, you know, when you're older and you see the news, like the percentage of people that are like above 80 that get it, that survive.

I mean it's still like that.

Yeah. It's still like yeah. It's still like ninety percent make it right.

I don't know for fuck fucking parents. Fuck that. Yeah. My parents are healthy, they take care of themselves but fuck man. Yeah.

And he looked thirty year olds die people, young people died. I was reading about this, this woman she lost her husband and her twenty year old son so.

Yeah just yeah. Nothing worse.

They don't know why though.

This is the thing is like they're in the middle of gathering data and trying to figure it out so they don't know, like what's causing some people to have this spectacular reaction to it when they die horribly and other people it just bounces off my body called the blood type thing about how it did.

I don't know if that's any valid forever, but yeah, I don't know.

It just seems to me that there's a lot to learn about this disease. They don't really know the really scary shit that I've been reading as I was reading something. Jamie, what's that article that I sent you today?

Whether they're thinking that it's possible that this this they're saying that this was that it's the same this area.

OK, what is this? This website was reloaded. OK, this is in the Daily Mail. So it might be horseshit.

This the one lab performing coronavirus experiments on bats from the caves where the disease is believed to have originated.

With a three million pound grant from the US Adblock or see the Daily Mail's at least kind of full of shit or sensationalized, see if that's someone's writing that. That's from a page. But here's the thing.

What fucking paper can you really 100 percent believe today? Do you have a paper that you are used to? I don't know who to go to The New York Times for me is still my number one choice.

Yeah, I mean, well, just looking at the news to like I don't know what to watch either, because I keep it on, you know, now I go back and forth.

I literally go from the extremes. I go to CNN and then I'll do Fox News because I want to fucking at least see what the both of them are saying. Yes. See this?

I don't like this. What they're saying, according to one unverified claim scientists, the institute could have become infected after being sprayed with blood containing the virus and then passed it on to the local community. Sounds like a movie. It does.

Well, I mean, everything sounds like a fucking movie now. Yeah, well, our world is a movie right now.

Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. Everything's fine. Everything. You seen that great job. The cartoon, the American president.

What the hell's a cartoon called on Showtime? It's really funny. Now, is it about Trump? Yeah, it's him. The guy who does. It sounds just like it's really funny. No, I've never even heard of it.

Yeah, it's it's there's too many things to watch. I know. I know that. God, you got your shit going on, man. Oh, you know, just do it yourself.

Oh, my God. I can't believe when I started a podcast, my podcast, like I was I was like, I guess I'll try it.

And I'm like, oh, this is the best. Yeah. You know, no one can tell you what to do. Here it is.

Oh yeah. The cartoon president is what our cartoon president is. Funny man. Well how was twenty. Eighteen. It's been yeah. Two to three years. You know this has been going on for two years. Yeah. How do I not know this. Watch him grow up.

There's too much to feel. The Colbert Show.

Colbert put you No one trolls Trump out of the Colbert look at look at his son's TV.

And earlier we spoke too soon. We can be your spokesman.

Why did you see Trump announced his team that he put together to start the economy again? One of the people on is only seven people on the team. One of them is his daughter and one of them is her husband. He doesn't give a fuck, dude.

I think they backed off of that later on, later in the day yesterday with him and her.

Yeah, yeah. Good call. What do you think? Maybe you should have the fucking the smartest minds of economics and health.

How do you know they're not? How do you know they're. I've heard the talk. I've heard them talk.

I just. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get nepotism when it comes to sex. It's fucking hard core when it comes to saving the world.

Yeah. No nepotism. All right. You get a job with it. You get a job with who? You know.

Yeah, that's what happens. But like to saving the world thing. Yeah.

That's getting the economy. This is the idea is to restart the economy.

So, so well let's give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they have a strong background in economics. New Trump panel on reopening U.S. economy won't include health officials.

Oh, great. Senior White House that's Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump have been expected to be part of the team, but U.S. president says they won't be included.

Oh, OK. So so he he got the bad press from that. He's like, OK, I'm surprised.

I'm surprised he didn't make them add more family members.

Trump doubled down.

Trump teaches us shit like, oh, you could just double down and it's better.

Yeah. When it comes to some things is true. Yeah. I mean, how many people are just barking fake news any time there's something they don't like, I mean agree with.

If you told me five years ago that you could just be like this, that's not true. When you know it's true and get away with it, I would be like, no, but you can't as long as there's enough people that have your back.

Do you know that that's how you get people to super conservative network?

What is it?

Oh, and oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. With a guy literally says, even when I'm wrong, I'm right. I that's my favorite news.

That that's what he does. That's what he says. One America news network, also known as One America News, is a conservative far right news and opinion channel owned by Harring Networks, launched in 2013. It's in San Diego, California, and operates news bureaus in Washington, DC. Dude, that's here.

If you're going to go for it, then just go for it. Yeah, do you know what I mean? And this is the news and I'm sure of it because I agree with myself clear signing off.

Like I literally says, when he signs off he goes. Even when I'm wrong, I'm right.

That's what he says. Wow, that's news. Yeah. And is he here?

Yeah, he's there. Was he do you want me to to him. He's probably talking to the SEALs. Let me grab he gets to the security guys and start telling war stories. Come on, you're boring.

Fuck. What are you telling those guys. You lying. Shut the door bro. Oh dude. Want to hear about your dad. No, no, no. Get in here. We're talking about one America news network. Let me ask you a question talking about. My dad was just for the last forty 45 minutes, was explaining China to me. So how did you get away? It's amazing. It's amazing that you got boring already gone down.

I like the haircut. Thank you. You look good. This is how we always should have been your bully. You know, don't let him bully you. How did you know? How did you know? But how old are you?

Don't you need to see something? I'm into this. I'm in my 40s. There you go.

Older and gayer than Ian McClelland. He is older and then he is older than the old guy. That's a shitty lens. And I have some magic on my faces and how sharp my nose is. Now, listen, look older. And I was holding water. I'd eaten a lot of cheese, probably like you look like I'm looking at you. And he's saying, how are you? Older and greater than me? He's biting his lower lip thinking to suck in your college.

He's doing well. I met him at a young man, and when I went backstage, I was in college and I met him. My first One-Man Shakespeare show. This ends in tears, right? Shakespeare. This story isn't just this story ends in. Well, listen, I want to say one thing before we start out, OK?

Just. OK, cool. And this is important.

OK, I just want to say, OK, don't be shit here. I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be shitty. I just want to say this is from the heart, OK? But you know, I'm being nice.

I'm so proud because it sounds like you're setting something up backwards because this is your special. It really is my special release. Yes.

OK, so to me, it's just so satisfying to watch my student.

I still see I don't know how this is not going to be OK. So it's all right.

It just in the sense that my my comedy child, if you will keep me in a way the way did just because you are performing and so to watch you watch me and then to take me and then to even expand it, not not not to deepen it, but to to broaden it, you know, to say it.

I'm like, McDonald's is what you're saying. You said that right now.

And that's and it's good to see who you are. Right. So you're a pop comic, right.

Who has to keep reinventing himself now? You're forty, OK? And now we got it right now we got to deep things, and that's where I'm going to help you.

OK, OK. And how are you going to help me. What's what. How are you going to help me.

Magneto's helmet. Yeah, I'm going to start with the helmet and then you're going to take we're going to sit down and I'm going to give you a reading list.

Why are you dressed like a fucking mannequin? You are dressed like a J.Crew mannequin. You shop at Jade fucking cruel James like it's twenty years. I like those changes. I do too. But look at it.

You can tell us, James, they make nice shirts now you wear your underneath what you're wearing a fucking wife beater underneath like you're in a play from the 40s. What the fuck is wrong with you. Why do you wish me to kiss my torso warm. You've got it's not here about. Hold on. What's the temperature most like. He's 78 years old. Have you ever worn a color. Ever worn a color besides earth tones. Brian it's eighty degrees.

Unbelievable. Joe, listen, it keeps my lower my my lower back my my mid body warm. So if I generate talk got to throw kick to throw, I'm not going to twist my back so my back stays.

You should never kick anybody. I saw your kicks. First of all I want to say this. You're welcome. What do it. How about this. You're welcome.

No special coming out please. How many wife beaters you do. That's what he wears underneath. He wears underneath. My wife won't let me wear tank tops. You know why?

Because your wife is fucking smart and fashionable. But you, dude, you look like you take off the fucking shirt. You have a wife beater on, bro. You have an actual wife or my wife beater.

My wife should talk like this just like you already look like a wife beater. Don't wear one. That's what she said to me. Oh my God, that's great. You do. Look, you have a very hard look. She said, you look like a meathead. She goes, you don't want to give people your face. I knew you had it. You looked at your face one time. You were interviewing Randy Couture and you had a wider head than Randy.

So that's not true.

That's what's weird is that you can always bring a conversation around to a man's anatomy. That's what's weird. That's true. That is what's weird. And now, speaking of anatomy. Yeah, you're getting older.

Hey, why are you polite? But no, it's not. So when I saw you, when I see old videos of you, you look healthy and now you don't not look healthy.

Yeah, but you look less know. Right. You look less.

Listen me look like you're wearing a brown calabash so don't ever fucking.

No, no, no. I'm okay. Now this is my house number one. Your first. Well you're welcome for Joe Rogan.

Right. And now we're closer than you guys. Closer than you.

That's impossible. So Jojo said to me a long time ago he doesn't remember us. He said, because I go out, he goes this Kristalina kid, you know?

So. Yeah, and I said, I said, what? He goes, my and I go is all right.

And Joe goes, Okay. Oh, so you go, yeah.

You got blaesing the door open. Now if I want to shut the door I want to know I make it so I. Glance at him wrong, I glance at him and your band. OK, do you read the show with a wife beater on just just just a wife beater? Please, look, dude, I'm not going to sit here. What your.

What's up, dude? I just don't understand how many layers you have when it's 80 degrees outside.

Unbelievable. You look like a fucking. Tell me. Tell me right now you're watching a play about the 40s and then.

And then halfway through he comes in, you're like, that's the trouble. That's a guy. Worst destruction was my beer.

There you go. He's one of those guys that I'm like Marlon Brando. You know, those you're not like, yeah, because you a die soon. No. You know those girders where the guys are eating lunch and they're like 50, 80 fucking story.

I said, you're all right. You're on the picture. One of them of all the guys sitting on the beach, there's no wasted space on my body.

Right, you body. You know what I mean?

I'm not. So if you wrote something, if you were a building, first of all, you'd be condemned, right?

If I was a building, I tell you what, I'd be more floors than you. That's what I would put it. More floors. If you look at the picture, don't you use each and every one of those guys right there? The guy right there, that's him.

The guy with the give me more muscles and not you, bro. But what's up with savages just sitting there. I know. Unbelievable.

Lunch with their hands. Look at lunch box and you don't even know how to kill a baby. You wasting away. Hey, yeah. You only got from Chris the other day. Well, I sent a video and he goes, I just got this. I got a text.

You look gonta like you had gone to.

Yeah. My necklace. They go with this hair.

So I thought says that you're in your 50s. I know but my face is more symmetrical. But why is to make your neck look thicker just from training years. Training what.

Dolphins. I think I got you. That's a fucking burn dude. It's not. That's the hardest for you. It's a stupid fucking fucking burn. You do it. Burn me. Yes, I'll do it for yourself. Do I cut for myself? Good.

Fuck you're wearing Gucci Gucci loafers. No, I'm not going to show.

Yeah, you know why? Because I just got tested. I'm negative and you probably about covid. Oh, you know what? I'm nervous.

That's right. My heart's beating. I have to get my finger pricked. I'm very squeamish about that. No, I really can. You can you do my sperm. You just do your nose.

Is your heart out trying to make that thing smaller anyway? Hey bro, is your heart beating weird and ears and noses get bigger.

I wonder if there's something we can take. I forgot. It's called it's called nice.

Gave it to me. Oh it'll be a bitch. Let me ask you a question man.

What you are your heart's been extra fast because you've got to get your fingerprint or because you're in a room with us beyond in a room with us.

And I'm very comfortable to young guns. No, I don't see this.

Brian, Chris, he's got a lot of tattoos.

I want to talk about this. I want to talk about this on Joe Rogan. OK, you know, no, you got flames on your wrist.

You're goddamn no dope. Hey, guys, I'm thinking about putting grenades in my hand. Agree. Wattpad agree. It's not. No, you can't. You're not allowed to.

So it's so distracting stage. No grenades.

No. Joe, why do you have that? Because I hope because I'm a bomb about a grenade and one old timey bomb.

Like a bowling ball.

Oh yes. That's a good idea. Oh yes. Or maybe two grenades and a big old cock. Now, see, that's where it gets a little bit gay. And, you know, it's just odd to have a cut on your hand. OK, OK. I can't tattoo your hand when you're in your 50s.

I don't think so. That's why I did it early on. I did it early. I think so.

Unless you like unless you're like a mercenary of some kind and still grizzled and you know what?

You should get on your knuckles. Life rips just as a no time. I think you're a fucking do that.

Just annoying. Thank you. No, no, it's okay.

But thank you for doing that because I took a picture with a girl after my show and she showed me her hands because look, it says and it said life rips. Yeah.

She was a plant. I told her to go. I tell people, yeah, you know, I tell people to go get these tattoos for him. You know, I tell people to go to his show and wear my merch and they show up all the time.

And they were. And they were. And they were. Yeah, I know. I saw shocking.

It shows you this. I don't like us on the parking places where you wear you wear my merch at Brian Kalacha.

You make sure and it's fifty people and it's not dense. Yeah. It makes me so dense, you know, dense because he said because it's a saying. Oh it's a saying. We did that he's.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

You stole my cadence. OK, let's just say that you and you have a paper airplane on your fucking jet. Damn right you know why. Makes me want to throw in a flying headlock. And I know you couldn't I could beat you up. I could wake up from a nap and slap you around. By the way, you take naps, right.

Because you're old. You take you take a nap because you're OK. Don't you go like this now? Well, it's two thirty, you know, like that. And then you go, I'll see you guys at three thirty. That's what you do. How many times. Take a twenty. Three thirty. If you knew anything about sleep you take a 20 minute nap. No more with your legs up. Right. Because you like the blood to go down.

Yeah dude you're too old.

He to melt in twenty minutes I take a sitting that this guy reads a fucking thing and then changes his whole life. That's you do.

That's right. I'm a reader. The guy who. How did you guys have enough to talk about by the way. Didn't he run out of ideas. It's a long time we had an hour just on shiting that we did, we Phuket's we talked about you a little bit. You did you play the video of you talking about shitting in your backyard. That's so funny.

And I had to do a short story. Yes. So funny. Have you do stories?

You just covered a few of them. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever shit. Myself, though, in my adult life, I never shit my pants.

I have, you know, I know what he has done it like twelve times at least. Yeah. Plenty of times.

I bet money that it was 12, really solid 12 because you push and you keep going, keep going. You take chances. That's right. And you live hard on risk taking. You're always in a coffee shop so you can go right to the bay leaf. Right, aren't you. No. No.

You good? I'm being polite. I was here for his lease.

I drove all the way here. Dude, leave.

No, no, no. I drove all the way here. I'm not. Yeah, yeah, yeah you did. It's far. Yeah.

You get a pandemic test. He's going to tell you. We've got to make sure you're with us right now. Now can I ask you a question. OK, but don't be shit. I'm not going to be shitty.

Do you think how quickly do you think your career would stop. Mm hmm. Would screech to a home if you shaved your head?

Well, you have barely any hair and you don't have a career. No, no, no. Listen, I have a lot of TV shows going on.

What's the deal with it? What's the deal? What you. Oh, you're playing a bald guy in school, though not.

I have a hiatus right now. OK, yeah, but I have two other shows I might get into. Might be forever Chris and I might be doing some good.

Might be for more and more shows. No more. Show us. What do you mean people getting together. And look how crazy crazy it is crazy but it is possible.

You know we we've been talking about like when do you get back to doing live shows? And there's people that are thinking that it's not going to be until twenty, twenty one like like the fall of twenty, twenty one because we're people it's going to be a disaster and there's going to be a lot of people that don't want to take vaccines.

There's a fucking meme going around, things I would trust before I would trust Bill Gates vaccine. Yeah. And it's like there's a there's a series of the unbelievable.

You mean the guy who like all his money and time and he's babysitting and there's a bunch of different like Bill Cosby's cocktail I one, if that's Russian bots, I mean, a Russian Randy Couture tweeted it.

You put it on his Instagram today. That's a bummer.

Have you seen it, Jamie? No. Hey, Jamie, I'll show it to you.

That's a bummer. But they are just remember, though, when they were locking the shit down and they were like, yeah, big groups of people can't gather. And so Joe and I had to cancel our tour. And then they were like, now ten people can't get together. And you were like, fuck you because I can't do shows. Hey, dude.

Well, I guess I just sent it to you. I'm sorry. Not because they were saying the thing about how to get over to my house there it is things I trust more than a vaccine.

From Bill Gates in South Florida, from Flint, Michigan, an email from a night one with Charlie Sheen, gas station sushi. That's very good.

The top right is hilarious. The Internet winds water from Michigan, a daycare run by Casey Anthony.

Well, well said. I said because we did that for treating namedropping. You know, we have a timeshare. I love his Cavs. He's the best. He's got the biggest calves in the world. Oh, my gosh. And and he he could carry all of us.

He could feed us for a week with one of his got to talk about male anatomy. What was he saying?

And he said I said, oh, me and Brennan are going to do a sketch, another sketch for three different kids. Ready. I would put you in it. And and I know. And because I see your face got hungry, you I love you. I love doing secret shows that nobody sees. Come on, man.

We'll get you, you know. So he goes, the internet's the sketch. We don't need any sketch shows anymore. And I was like, fuck, you know what? You're kind of right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, what I'm worried about legitimately worried about is two things. One, this thing morphing. There was an article that I just sent me earlier about India where they're saying that the vaccine won't work on the new strain of coronavirus. It's mutated in India because India has its own version of it. Yeah.

So these doctors are scrambling to try to keep up with these mutations and figure out hopefully mutate into a weaker version, but doesn't mutate every year.

Yes. And then there's vaccines for flus. Yes. So hopefully there will be better ones. But you're right. And the next flu could be like the fuckin H1N1 that kills like forty percent of people polled.

It morphs into a week or so. AIDS has had to compromise itself so often with these protease inhibitors that actually now they think when you contact AIDS, it's something that incubates and you can just have without taking any drugs in some cases. So they've got weaker because it got weaker. So the virus getting weaker. Typically, as a virologist, I can say this typically as an epidemiologist and a historian, but typically I think viruses get weaker as they are as they seem to disseminate into the population.

Yeah, my guess is that we develop resistance.

You would know you were on Veronica's closet. I wasn't. On that show, you were fucking you know, I wasn't on that show. No, I was. You played the bald guy. I was on Sex in the City. Yeah.

You want Reba, you should watch my real after this is the ballgame. What's my real dude? Sex in the City.

You want Sex in the City? People send me all the time shit about you. Fucking the girl. Look, what the fuck.

You may have to keep social distancing until twenty twenty two scientists predict.

I don't want to hear your predictions proved wrong about the fatality of this shit.

So how are they not wrong about that. That's not that's not a feasible solution either. It's out.

Here we go. Here we go. Do it. Here we go. Do it.

Listen, if you catch it, your constitution is and you've never you never in the sun. Right?

So now are you are you would you blanch dude, or is that your.

No, I'm good. I'm Italian. How.

Oh you you're all you have Irish that's where. But where do you get the Albanian. No I'm not Albanian and there's nothing wrong with that. But I'm not no Italian.

No I'm not saying that. But I'm saying where would you what do you what ethnic group do you think that you closely if you were to play a character.

Yeah. Besides what Japanese. I would love to play a Japanese guy. That's what you can't do that.

You can't do that. I know I would love to do that, but I wouldn't even do an accent and I wouldn't even like I would just be kind of a little bit Japanese. So, you know, make up.

You don't think you look you could say they do taken for you. You'd play one of the sex traffickers in that.

Right? I would love to do that. You need to do an accent. Hey, wait. I don't know. That's good. That's very good. That's very good. I have no idea.

You're barking up the wrong tree. You know, twenty, twenty two is not good.

I don't like that. The sound of that, that's twenty, twenty two. That's bad.

Well I know how we're supposed to do that thing with Chappelle. Yeah.

Well we rescheduled that shit to September, you know, hopefully. How are we going to do that. How are we going to. I don't see that being feasible. I just I think they just test people. Yeah, well, that is right.

But then Trump said that there's no way Americans, all Americans are going to get test.

Well, I mean, I don't know if you want to get tested, you can get tested like Brian's going to get tested in an hour from now. It's fucking easy. They test your blood. I think it cost two hundred bucks. They find you find out right away. Bam. Fifteen minutes later, you go. Yeah. Or in your case, fuck.

Brian, I don't have two hundred dollars. Did I have it. I got it.

Yeah. I don't know. Testing all my guests. Anybody that comes in here come in here. Fifteen minutes for the show. Test your blood. Get in here. It's a good idea Adam.

I hugged him. We got the first guy to touch anybody in forever as soon as he tested positive again or not. But here's my thing about that. Also isn't conspiracy theories, isn't it?

Statistically, aren't we all pretty much guaranteed to catch it and not die?

Well, yeah, statistics. But some people know. You know, the thing about it is you really can't judge this like any other virus because it seems to affect people very differently.

Yeah, we were talking about George Stephanopoulos has it and he has no symptoms. His wife has it. She's been devastated by it. She's sicker than she's ever been in her life. Wow. So it doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, it's it's people that are healthy and young get it. And they're on ventilators. People who are old get it. Nothing happens. And then some people just die and some people don't even know they have it. They say as many as 70 percent of the people that have it have no symptoms at all. It's amazing. They don't understand it. OK, so let me play devil's advocate without well, with all due respect to the people who perished and all that is, is when you have a disease like that and it isn't it doesn't it make more sense to quarantine a targeted way?

Don't we get people who are old and infirm with underlying conditions? Can't we target? But then again, is that is that reasonable? Because in Italy, three generations live in the same house. Right? Right. So that's why it was so devastating to the older. Well, there in places like, you know, you don't have money and you have to live with your your grandparents. What are you supposed to do? That's a real issue when you have to be very responsible.

If you're living with your grandparents, you can't be out.

But you can't you can't stay out.

EUBAM, you can't say, hey, some of you quarantine, then it's just going to keep the virus is going to keep going. You've got to say people that are actually very at risk, but people who are. Yeah I get what you're saying, you know.

Well what I'm hoping is they can come up with antibodies and they can get the antibodies in people before they have an immunity to it, before they have a brother vaccine for it. Yeah. So you should sell your blood.

Yeah. But when people have antibodies like Tom Hanks, I know he donated his blood.

A lot of people donate their blood to get some of that. I don't I also think that people have to take their fucking immune system very, very seriously. People take their health care plan seriously. They take their 401k plan seriously, their car insurance seriously. Take your fucking personal immunity, your physical body. Take care of that shit, man. And most people don't. There's a lot of people out there. Just eating sugar and smoking cigarettes and Jimmy Burke, the saint that he is, Jimmy Burke, is this is what he does in New York.

This guy, he's on his bike free of charge, and he delivers food to the poor and the old and the people who can't, you know, and he's usually up in poor areas of New York. And one of the frustrating things, he gets a list from that family and he has to go buy what they want. And he said he goes, it's so frustrating to me because they're they're they're very poor, but they're asking for the worst food, pop tarts, donuts, soda.

It's nothing that's a substance. And he's like, I just want to every I drop it off. I want to be like, I can teach you a little bit about nutrition. You'll be a little healthier. And a lot of times really overweight. Diabetes is such a problem and say like in Spanish Harlem, it's such a problem, it's epidemic.

Well, they said one of the things they're finding in New York City is the number one factor for having a disastrous result is over being overweight. Yes.

Like the smoking in China. This is our version. You know, when you're shredded like me, you're probably not going to feel people who are overweight or getting fucking destroyed by this disease.

Yeah, and that's tough. Yeah. Obesity is what's the number one factor in New York City. But I think cigarette smoking got to be high on that list.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, when you have a cardiovascular disease, I mean, it's kind of respiratory, that's for sure.

Yeah. And it diminishes your lung capacity.

God damn, man, this is so scary. Yeah. It was a lot more fun before you got here. We were protecting ourselves.

We're talking about and you're just talking about like more like that.

I feel weird because you don't have headphones on and we do, but you're not one of us. Right. Why do you not have the headphones on?

I don't like the way they sit on my face. They make your ears open and they make you look, to be honest, you just you have a small head.

I just have a normal head. I know you say that. That's the one thing I won't take. No, it's fine. Careful now. But you can say that because then people call me a pinhead or something.

No, no. The Internet wouldn't call you pinhead. Why they don't call you pinhead. I had a shirt saying to people bought into you with your head like eight percent. That's more than it really is. Hey, hey. Shrunk so small. So small had Brian. You're saying that now of of course it's going to catch fire now be careful.

No, I'm telling people on the Internet, please don't call Brian smocked broke out of.

That's why I don't want them to. I'm sure that. Listen to me. Listen, listen. But anyway, Brian doesn't hurt. It's also here's the other thing. People don't talk, right, because I'm talking and you interrupted. Right. So we can all agree on that. You made a mistake. And that's fine. Right. But but the reason why it's OK that you have a small head.

Yeah. It's because you have a small body as well. I don't.

I have broad shoulders, although your head looks small for your body, at least your body still on the small side. But it's not small enough to make your head look proportionate.

Look at me. Look at me. What your line of 100 sports. A beach in ninety nine. Right when you lose to him.

And I would lose to him in something that required. If you said, well, being a contortionist, you know you've got to be bendy and that's a sport. He can move his body. You hear very many of his body.

They don't say to go like this. When I used to think my name was, he can move his body. What the fuck? People be pointing. Look at me.

I'm like, Chris, you're bendy because you don't have you don't stand for anything. Would you be interested in having a competition with him and some sort of sport? Yeah, but he would lose. We already tried. We would try it. Oh my God, he can't.

Singing He has no end. I got wind win bro.

I got no win. You got you broke. You should see me do. I had to do so. You could hold a note. No longer. Yeah. Okay cool. I mean I beat him by, I mean it was embarrassing.

OK, fine. But don't you beat him back. And we had a while but my note was way better. No. Oh no.

See your shit is fuck. Oh you sound like a singer. You can sing so when you wash your hands you were singing, you know, like an opera singer star guys. No, no, no, no. This is just Josh Groban singing. I mean, he always fucking complimenting you.

I've never been like, yeah. Oh yeah. He's got he sings weird stuff like old timey.

Yeah. Yeah. Young guy who would sing Duncan like some Harry Connick Jr. type shit. Yeah. But new. Yeah. Yeah. He's a funny dude if you met him.

No. A good guy. Funny guy. Yeah. Great sense of humor. I believe you. Yeah. You have to put it dude.

What's the deal man. It's fucking chilling. These amazing people on the internet. He's the best guy. The people on the internet don't say that. Brian Carlin is the biggest Josh Groban fan.

Don't do that. And don't say he has lost my head. Hey. Well, hey. Well, you might be the youngest fan. I might be the youngest fan. Josh Groban. I think a lot of young I think a lot of girls like him. Of course, he's handsome, right? He's cute. He's a cutie pie. He was I mean, was difference. He's got crystal-clear hair a little thicker and with depth to his thicker than me.

No, no. His hair. Oh. What do you see. Well that's right. Well, no, no. OK, dude, I'm forty. I made it bro. Now you have. He dodged the bullet. Bullet here. He's good.

He's good. He has. OK, OK, but your hair, your your beard is a little thank you, also know a little darker than normal.

So so somebody is using what, you know, the fact that you're dying your hair.

No, I don't get it. It is what I did when I did my hair because he's more likely to be a silver fox dude, and he's going to be one.

Are you saying that he, like, purposely dyes some of the hairs? He might be taking some mascara to his beard?

That's OK. There's a weird thing when you see a guy and all of a sudden his beard is dark.

Hey, yeah, that's the thing. It's like we get we know you do it. Yeah. We've seen you before. What are you doing in of a dark? You appear to be white and now it's black.

Yes. Yes. And it's a weird reddish kind of brown. You know that she died. Yes, I've done it. I've done just for men. Yeah. And in my friend I think was Burke said, hey, don't ever do that again. Yeah. Because it just doesn't look good for him.

Whatever, though, you're an actor, sometimes you have to fucking you to play. You know, if you want to play younger, if you go like fifty five, you'd want to die.

Well I'm so careful now. Careful. There's my my gray sexy. I'm a good looking man. What's the difference between sexy gray and I'm dying mathletics. I got a strong job so it's not put together like you keeping it together but your gray. Yeah.

Have you seen me move around a ring on a matter you still boxing. Say do not. How's your shoulders. Doesn't bother you this motherfucker. I'm better.

How annoying are you about this boxing bullshit. Dude, I was in a god damn motherfucker. I got to jail. You know Jeff. All the fucking just for laughs. Yeah, just for laughs. Montreal. I get there, I get there early and I got my shows later that night and I'm like I fucking. Yeah it's awesome. I get to see everybody. It's fun. Weird.

Montreal, whatever the the fucking elevator by the way, did you know he was there. The elevator opens, this guy walks out in.

He looked like it looked like it was his schooled outfit but he was going to the gym and a fucking bitch ass backpack and I go like this.

Woah woah woah woah. Where are you going? And he goes like this. Oh, come on, man. And I was like, Oh, no, no, no, no. Where are you going right now?

It was like eleven in Jafo. I was trying to sneak away, be sleeping for still because we're all comedians and it's eleven and we're on vacation basically.

And it's actually really it's actually seven. Yeah, exactly. So be sleeping still. And this guy I got it out of because I guess there's a gym nearby.

I'm a little box and I was like this. You know what, you're so fucking annoying about the shit you boxing me.

First of all, he goes because I said, there's a guy who's going to take me around the ring. I'm going to practice, you know, and he goes, OK, turn around right now.

Yeah. And put your back on that corner. Boxing. The fact that he brought, like things to the JFK, I'd be like, oh, I'm going to pack this.

I want to be ready in case there's a situation, dude. And I have to protect what situation, bro?

I got to look at you hang out with. They could all take care of you. Hang out with Schaub and fucking Rogen. I know, but what if somebody starts giving you a shove around me? Yeah. And then you can take care of myself, man. Whatever around. Yeah.

They start giving you a shove around. Santagati Oh, that's a judo move. Yeah. Yeah.

So all day long man that's somebody comes at me all day long man. All day long you're coming at me also. I got all day long. I know that you're actually doing the move bro. Yeah man. Come on bro. You studied a little. You've trained a little.

You're near San Diego. Yeah. I mean I'm on ahead. Yeah. You speak fucking Japanese dng you go on to get up to six. That's pretty good.

Six SATs. What's wrong with your shoulders just so they're narrow. Right. Oh I'm sorry. You were saying physically can't throw punches.

No I can't. I can this slow right out and you come at me, I check you, you're a lot of guys when they get older that's what starts going on.

That's exactly right. Yeah. So I got to do a whole warmup or you know what you could do, stop boxing.

No, you could do that because you're an actor. But I might have to protect you because all of a sudden you're from the fetal position. Oh man. But I got that and then I what I got I don't do that. I got to step off. Get off my friend right now. And, you know, I don't I got to get my fucking pants and they don't fit you. Why? Because my legs are from sports and, you know, still do it.

I'm not mad about that shit though. You your cats. What's a lie? Lie and say my legs aren't getting bigger like what we've been doing. You've been lifting.

Yeah, dude, the upright squats I do rear elevated split squats.

And I know I saw that. Now you're you're in that mean rear elevated split squat. To me that's the worst exercises with your knees. Could go in any minute. Right. Was I saying something. OK, keep calm.

So you, you do like this and you keep your leg elevated and you just go down on one Bulgarian. Oh. And they get squat.

Yeah. Oh. So it's, it's like a lunge. Kind of.

Yeah but but it's less with your back like OK in dance class two three times a week I want to dance. Yeah we know man.

But when you show scene. Yeah. You might be forced to use your legs and dance.

Yeah. So you can get a hip replacement. Right now my shoulders are perfect. Why do you work shirts. I don't know because well it sweats always under your armpits.

Everybody knows that.

OK, so why do you work all the time if you're actually high season high school. You wear three layers, just we're used to this guy. I swear I am. I swear these were in three fucking layers and it's a delay because I run hijack like one layer.

That's pretty cool. No sweat. You look thick. No sweat. You have a nice body. And. All right, this body, very flexible, can do this. But I need to chill.

I can you can you even. Yes. I would imagine you must be mainly cardboard. I mean, as far as how tight you are right now, I'm type O God. Yeah. Can you. Have you ever touched your toes? No, bro.

I'm way more flexible than you. Oh, that's ready. Let's bring some real ness into this. Let's stop the humor.

I know we're we're being silly. I know. But dude, I'm way more flexible than you are. You're flexible. He's whispering.

You're whispering, right. You're going to win. Right. So you could who could just stand there and flatten out matter me.

One hundred percent your body.

Fly me to your one hundred percent. Dude, bend down right here. I said don't you talk about. Yeah. Like flat. There's no way I can almost get to my elbows. Grab your toes and bring your head. Your knees is a contortionist man. Put me in a box, put me in a box.

Put me in a small box.

You could probably fit in a box that I would like to see both of you do this, OK, to see one at a time.

Brian, I can't right now because I pushed the sled. I did some sled where you go.

You are as old as Santa. Know what will happen when you do sled work? That might my I'm very sore right now. Your hamstrings, you everything. Store my my butt. You're pushing sleds. I was pushing snow working with the strength conditioning coach. Yes.

The answer is yes and and growing. But I got to tell you, that gets you strong.

You're not growing. You're not paying enough. You don't need enough Dix's food around to eat it. Don't say if that motherfucker know. How are you eating? Because he does it primarily in restaurants.

Now, there's no restaurant today.

I had today I had some butcher box fillet minions not. Huh. It's French. Yeah. And I had some arugula snoring. Oh yeah. And then I had some chicken with. Let us see. My point is you have to cook or it's not. Yeah.

Because you like that. Must Bean have been your number one complaint. Like what the fuck. You're closing restaurants.

Exactly. Well you know what. That's exactly right. You know what to thing about.

Do you know what I miss is your great Instagram videos of you in a dimly lit restaurant when you're with Frank Grillo.

Yeah. And you're like, we're just having a wine because that's that's promoting it.

But that's that's the content that not only I want everyone wants on Instagram. When I think of Instagram, I think of the naked girls that are so when they're pretending to show their watch, but really they're showing their cleavage. Right. I'm sure I'm thinking about the funny videos that all these young guys are doing. Sure.

And the third thing that comes to mind is you in a dimly lit fucking restaurant somewhere in Venice. Oops. I'm still talking with Frank Grillo, talking about how good the wine is.

And you also have a Navy SEAL with you would usually probably. Why is it always Frank Grillo is your dining buddy. That's my darling buddy. He's a bachelor. He's he's my neighbor. So we have nothing to do. So we're we're both covid safe. So we had guys. I can't hang out with that. You know, if you're covered safe, we take a risk, a chance to get covid. We're we're close.

We're close.

It grillers a good looking guy. You want to you want to be friends with him so bad. Let me tell you right now, I'll tell you right now I'm cool.

Tell them to come here in forty five minutes. You can get tested too. That's a good call. Look, I went oh well I'm cool.

And I'll tell you right now, I haven't done it. I haven't even put my fucking shit out there yet. If I want, I could be better friends with Griller than you are.

That's you know what the crazy thing about it is?

He knows deep down. He knows deep down. Don't say that. I'm just hoping these fucking restaurants like Felix stay open.

You know, I'm you know, I'm worried because that plate I fucking crave that place they have take out Felix L.A. Dotcom, you're too far. But, dude, I'll take a chance. Oh, it's the best. No, no, that would that would kill me. I talked to Janet. Yeah. How she doing? She had to lay off. She had four furlough of seven hundred employees. This is a fucking disaster. Oh my God.

Seven for someone like that to put creates that much employment. She's got all these great restaurants.

It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare.

Jesus Jesus Christ. Haven't you ever been in a place, Feliks in Venice. I don't think so. Fucking amazing. Oh, it's so good. Yeah, I generally don't eat pasta, but in that place I do. It's so good. I ate there once when I was on that Carnivore diet the whole month of January and I ate with Brian. And what was the name that her friend Kyle.

And so we all. Sorry, I'm sorry. Alex, Alex. Speak with the name first and they say the red one, Alex, Alex Engine and Kyle. I had probably the best steak I've ever had in my life.

I agree. It's amazing. It's unbelievable. It's so good. But it's just like everything, the atmosphere, the foods. It would be such a tragedy if that place went under.

Well, you know, if it weren't for this. We have Brian's Instagram videos, right? You never go out to dinner. You go to swinger's only. Oh, that was under. They went on. They went under. They got crazy.

That was that was my favorite diner to go to. Twenty four. A day you can go there at three o'clock in the morning and get an amazing meal. It was awesome. That's that place was so good ideas call me. So sad.

Josh Rogin, how many times you take me to fucking swingers? I know. Do you know that this guy. Let me tell you what his routine was. Forever. Forever. Ready. He would wake up because I would watch Chris and I go, let's go eat. Come out of now. I know. And he never went out ever, ever and never wanted to dinner. I was like, what's going on? Never had a drink of alcohol.

So I was like, what do you do? And he goes, well, I have a routine. I said, What is it? He goes, I usually sleep till twelve.

And then I get out and I drink coffee. Yes. And then I get on Facebook and then we go and then I go to the supermarket supermarket and I get white bread. Nice tomato.

I don't know. You always have mustard, right? Bread. Mayonnaise.

Yeah, turkey and cheese and cheese. And I eat that. Then I hang around, have coffee again and then he goes, then I take a shower and then like I go back on Facebook now. Yeah. And then I, then I write a joke maybe and then I go do standup.

Yeah. Every single day. But you forgot to level the room part, you forgot the love of them. But but that life was awesome. That was awesome. And I'm glad I did that. And you're saying it like I would be insecure. What. I'm saying it and I didn't say it like that.

I did say those things but I didn't say like you don't you are a housecat. You are as active as a house cat. Is that fair?

This is your man. Cat is bullshit. You scratch, you hang around you. Nobody can hang more than you doing thud my shoulders go far.

Stop. Stop talking about my shoulders. I have to for my shoulders go on for days.

You want to know the future. You ask me to listen my shoulders. What you see is straps and that's from sports. That's from combat sports. That's from being a wrestler. That's from coming into contact with objective reality. Oh sorry. Reality. I'll say covid. It's obnoxious. I say covid. I don't say Corona's it because you live essentially in the Schreier.

You're basically a man Hobert aren't you. Taller the Shrock. The Shire just very.

He's an innocent Christesen innocent. Look at Brian. What does that fucking mean. They look at the brand you crushed.

You look it was Brian years ago and now what's wrong with the trial is withering away.

No, I'm not. I was watching a lot of water. Yeah, but give me some right now.

You'd be nice about it and get away before you buy. What? I should have coffee right now.

You're not a good host, but we get some coffee all over the place. We have people that work here. Are these fucking are these nails?

No, those are wild boars. Tusks. Yeah. Wow. My buddy Adam Greentree, same guy who shot that thing he gave me though. Have you ever slain a boar. Yeah. You have. Yeah. Tough animals. Yeah. That to own ranch place of hunted them a couple of times out there.

They're interesting. How's the meat. It's very good. Yeah.

What's weird though is we were in the bar, we were walking down this trail and we heard them fighting in the bushes and if you didn't know any better you like they had no idea we were there. You would think their demons good.

Wow. Yeah. They were going to war with each other.

Oh, it sounded horrible. Yeah. It's a horrible sound. Don't worry.

You'll never be out in the field with the fuck you up, man. Yeah. Animals talk about. Yeah I know. I could join in. Wild Pigs will fuck you up. Yes. There.

Yes they will. Yeah. So that's, that's an old boar's tusks what that is. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's watch Chris Christie. Look, look, look at his eyes. One man.

Come on man. Have you ever been camping. No, no. I'll answer the question. No, no, dude. Nature man.

We got so. But you drink black coffee. You are rugged. No, no, no. Hey, I just got a point. No, I'm a rugged boy.

All right, watch this. Come on, try keep your eyes. I'll try to keep your eyes on. I could find that's the side. No camping at all ever. No, no, no.

I went out with one buddy backyard once. We fucking went into the woods a little bit and we stayed there. And then out of nowhere, this old lady was like, can you guys keep it down? And we're like with the fox out. And to this day, I think it was a ghost.

You know, you should do actually all bushes. We should go hunting. You come you you stay at the campfire. You know, you're right. So, yeah, you should be you should be waiting for us when we come back with an apair the meal. That's right. So you be our guide and you can shave down after we. I'm not going to shave so let me finish. After you shave down you make us a meal and afterwards we fuck.

You know why I said so fucking away, bro.

Bro, in the wild nobody's looking, but we all know they got fucking cameras out there, bro.

They probably do. Now, this guy and I, we were in Syria breaks. It was such a trip. It was so great. He fucking Doveman who attacked cactus. I pulled quills out of his ass and his ties. He pulled them out of my thighs and we were doing weird shit. We got so stir crazy at one point, we're just looking back. It was so fun, though. I take a shit and I'm eating that mountain food.

So it looked like mustard.

And this fucking guy took a picture of it, put a fucking steak with a flag and he made a flag out of aluminum foil, like literally we were in our late 40s doing this like a couple of morons, morons.

This was some good. I've never laughs when you go hunting and you're miserable, you laughed so hard.

Well, you and I did. We had a lot of fun. That clip is so funny. That was a different one. That was Wisconson. I'll get you that clip. But that was also very funny, though. That was our friend Doug Dern's farm in Wisconsin, where, by the way, they don't even need the meat there anymore because there's so many instances where they test it of Qud. They're terrified of that. That's I don't like that's that's what I'm scared of more than any virus.

Those diseases, those are terrifying because your brain just wastes. Yeah. You don't the chronic wasting. It doesn't jump right now from deer to humans, but it could.

My uncle had that and he he basically my I'm sorry, the mad cow he had, he had spent a lot of time in Africa and they don't know what happened, but his brain got holes in it.

Oh yeah. And it was actually my closest call, my Uncle Frank, but in fact he's my cousin because, you know, he's just a different person. So when he was younger, I call my Uncle Frank. You call it the one person caller name was fucking Alec. I know. I change it up. That's not a good thing, man. It's a guy. It's my mother's. First, I heard my mom, my mother's first cousin, and he spent a lot of time in Africa and he he had holes in his brain.

What happened to him in there?

I watched that. It's a deterioration. Yeah, that's well, you know, Justin Ren, the guy who will fight for the forgotten Beltone heavyweight. Yeah, I do, too. He's he's got some sort of a parasite. They don't even know what it is. He spent so much time so deep in the Congo. He's actually catching parasites that they don't know.

I'm sure I don't know what they are. That's where Ebola hangs out to and all kinds of shit.

Yeah. Is it, you know, scares my shiver and just spiders and shit that'll kill you.

Crazy. Oh, yeah. Crazy spiders in the Congo that operate in packs. Have you seen them. Yeah.

Nothing would be scarier. Oh no.

I have to see fighters that see if you like on YouTube and shit you can buy spiders in the Congo like, like a rat will like run into this spider web now all swarm.

It was so scared. Yeah. That's so scary.

Great impact. Like crabs. Yes. Like packs.

Yeah. Yeah. Just take his wallet.

No it's got too close to him. Why does your wallet have a snake.

Look at this. I'm venomous. You know, they're poisonous. To where, where, where. The spiders that have formed armies 50000. I mean forget it. Oh BBC Earth.

Yeah. The BBC Congo documentary is the one that I saw that has it. The video is no longer available. Son of a bitch.

I'm sorry. Did I do speak French. No you don't. It just happens. Is there a good French restaurant in L.A. that will be closed by the time this is over?

Let me think how many restaurants I'm going to be done. Malisse. Melissa, where's that? It's in Santa Monica. That's that's amazing.

How many restaurants are going to be left over when this is all said and done?

Well, a lot of restaurants got a moratorium on paying rent. OK, they should all get this. So all those landlords should be like, hey, look, yes, you got to realize what's happening.

You want that future rent. No one's going to come along and start the restaurant.

That's a good point. You could be out of business for fucking years. The restaurant owners that I know have gotten that.

Yeah, bottom street. And the biggest question is, remember the landlords that are responsible, the banks. So, yeah, if it once it starts rolling up to the banks now we got a real problem. Right. That's that's the issue.

What do you think what do you think about Trump's idea to bring it back a disastrous situation, play with the crowds over the amount of food wasted as coronavirus scrambles supply chain this morning as they were talking?

Oh, yes. Seventy percent of his crops are just going to trash because they can't do anything.

They're trying to get some of it away to food, food banks and whatnot. But they need a quick get out there and help people get out there. It's not helpful. You're not being helpful. It's not a solution.

Do only 700 acres get it done? Hey, stop.

Being a pussy farmer would be a terrible president. You'd be a terrible president. He'd be the best. Yeah, I would have said would be the best. And everyone knows it.

You know, I this is so not political. He doesn't pay attention to any of this. Here's the deal. I don't know, I, I was talking about pizza. Get on my podcast at the date. And those motherfuckers, when you talk about pizza gate, people like do some fucking research.

Dude, it's so funny. Oh, sure, sure. Duilio. One of them said he's hanging out with them too long. You don't believe in the book.

I guess you're not even worried about 5G. Yeah I know. Exactly. Exactly. That was one too. But dude it's so funny.

So I was making fun of it and people get mad and so I'm like, look, we don't know the real deal, we don't know what's going on.

So it's like, what the fuck? We don't know what's going on. How are you going to find out what's going on? Google and Google talking about China, I don't know, ask China, hey, China, what's going on? They're not going to tell you the truth. No, they get the fuck. Twenty two million.

I don't think it's in China's interest. I guarantee China's going to clean up those wet markets and turn their back open.

Are they? Yeah, there was a video of them today. Yeah. The markets are back open now. Yeah. Despite them saying that they're going to shut them down. Spike, you know what they did do? They took dogs off of the livestock list, but they still eat them. What about bats? Didn't Corona come from a bat?

Well, they don't know, man. That's saying it's likely, right. They're saying it's likely that it came from a bat. But they're also saying it could have come from a lab where they were working on bats and accidentally escape. This is they haven't ruled that out anymore, right? They ruled it out initially, but now they're realizing like, well, they actually were working on coronavirus, according to the Daily Mail. Yeah, I don't know.

Did you find a legitimate version of that story? That's not that. Not your daily medication. Right. Not legit.

Daily Mail, you wake up every morning, you drink a milkshake and you listen to daily medicine. Take a milkshake. Fuck you.

Come on over to let's see if I know if he's going to make it to get tested. When. Oh, Jesus, you mean look, he said yes. Oh, good, beautiful, I'll tell doctor, but where is Doctor some of the text me the address.

OK. OK, we'll do that.

You guys talk amongst yourselves, ok.

So anyway, Brian. Yeah. What do you think's going to happen in your life now?

Well, besides the fact that I'm going to come up with a vaccine. I'm sorry.

What? Yes, dude. What's up with you? What do you find your special? It's on my special. No, it's on Amazonian tribes called Complicated Apes, and it's a complicated but very highly rated.

And honestly, you have the first Tinder special, right? You do. Oh, no, no. You're special. This red box.

You can only get it on right now. Careful outside of a 7-Eleven. And that's good. Yeah, good. I'm happy that people are going to honestly get your stuff. Is Roku bad? No, no.

But was being shady, right? No, not being shady. You're being annoying. Any red boxes are on Amazon Prime Redbox and it's free. Redbox original Brian Callen. I'm on Amazon Prime shucking and jiving and there's a new sheriff in town and I'm about to and I'm breathing down your neck. Did you send me the address, Joe? Dude, yes.

I just say it loud. Say it loud on the air. Give this shit.

Whitney, one of our friends went to Santa Barbara to Quarante and a fucking bear is trying to get into the house.

Oh, are you serious? Yeah. Look at this.

This video just to be safe, quarantining.

And there's a fucking bear trying to they're just trying to get you the screen door to to them. The guy's yelling. I give up that point. I just give. Oh yeah. Santa Barbara. Holy shit.

Yeah. Because there's no one driving. Well, you had a bobcat, right? That was crash yard. So because no one's driving, there's less traffic animals like what's going on and they start slowly creeping into cities.

Wow. Fucking bear up.

They're happy with me. Stegosaurus pretty big. Well sure was sort of like. Yeah, I don't know a little bit. Yeah.

A little one for you. If your legs were in proportion with your torso. Oh would you tell me. I don't have a teardrop right here above my knees.

But that's not that really annoyed me when you said that on your side, coyotes are roaming San Francisco's empty streets is a city shelter in place.

Order keeps people in their homes. Yeah, there's coyotes all over it.

If I had a button down on it, it's like, oh, they're starting to take our jobs.

They just get smarter. Coyote invested in stocks.

Well, there's a crazy video that someone sent me of a rat setting a trap, setting off a mouse trap with a stick. No.

Yeah. New York. Right. Have you seen that it has to be New York, right?

I don't know where it is, but it's crazy. New York is having rat wars where the restaurants are no longer open, so they're not leaving garbage out. So rats are going in other rats territory and cannibalizing them. Wow. Yes, it's rough right now, apparently. Apparently it comes the plague.

Yeah. What's happened? What happened?

Hey, you know, if you look at you, you don't I literally just the cats just literally just thought why I'm hungry. I could see I literally thought, I'm hungry.

That does what you do when you do wrong. It's because you have to eat right before because it's seven hours. Yeah. Yeah. I drank from time to Tricia last time I was on his podcast. He goes like this. You're fading, huh?

And I'm like, why are you even at this point. Yeah. So yeah, I used to get mad at me.

Why are you on this program so long. What is your blood so long goes. You noted it. Yeah.

I can't find the video. You forget people are watching who gives a shit. Somebody sent me this goddamn video.

I'm trying to find my notes podcast getting really popular.

Yeah. Popular is really popular. That's what you were saying in the podcast.

Oh come on. L l did you just tell me his podcast is getting really popular?

What am I, a fucking idiot and what I mean getting popular. Shut up dude. I smack you around. You know, his podcast is popular.

Pulecio if I want to there this is what's this. Ratt Oh dude, that's insane. This motherfucker walked up to that thing with a stick.

Watch him set it. He knows what's up. That's Gene, that is, he didn't flinch. He didn't even flinch when the traps set off because he knew it was coming. Look at this.

If that thing is trained to do that, maybe it's just a smart rat either way. Come on, man. You think it's trained to do that? I might be in a lab. I mean, they did get they did get footage of it.

So that's a good point, guy. Why are you guys going to ruin the party? I'm sorry. I'm just a realist and it's a good angle to science. A really shot. Well, yeah, but even if but here's the thing.

That's like one of those things where when one rat learns a maze and the other side of the world rats on the side of the world learn the maze quicker.

You heard them? No. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Collectivists.

Rupert Rupert Sheldrake called it morphic resonance.

He's my comedy because I started doing and he I think that's possible. And then once they you see what's possible, you fucking found.

Yeah. It's so interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Because I wasn't even aware of it. Well gosh no.

Isn't that your name. Your podcast name. What. It's called you. Congratulations. But Mazwai who's got your shit. Doesn't someone have one called you. Well you're welcome. Probably.

What's Whitney's called. Good for you. Good for you. Yeah.

Good for you. Congratulations. Well what was yours called mixed mental arts as we were trying to figure out how they do it. They do it. Hey, dude, do it. You know, we did make fun of them, but because. Because because it's mental. Because we know why you're welcome in Charleston.

And that's what it is, because I knew someone had the bright color to make them.

You know what I like, you know, because I love him. And he stomps podcast. It's great. He's fucking great. And he's so brilliant. He's a brilliant dude and he's so modest. What's funny about him is you start talking to him and and so many of his friends there and he goes, well, he was the youngest Navy SEAL. Not anymore, but he was he started at seventeen. He's got the longest sniper shot. He's got all these things that and he stuff that he'll never tell you about until somebody says that and you go, is that true?

And he goes, yeah, I guess he's and he's fucking I have long conversations if I want to get on something, that motherfucker, he's he's he's a really, really interesting guy and also a maniac who had the world record for flying squirrel suit.

He fought for this distance at both like he gets a squirrel suit. He jumped out of a fucking airship. Everything he does, he's one of the guys. Everything he does, he's outstanding. SEAL Team six guy not not not DEVGRU.

Well, we're about to cover your fucking ears. Don't look at me. Literally. Don't look at me when I even say SEAL Team six. I can't fucking produce estrogen and go make me a coffee right now. Go to success.

You've talked to him in a way that's making him want to go camping.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's good to get the fuck away from you.

You going to come burn. You're got so hot is burn. No, you're going to carry my bags and carry my ship, cook for me and be my concubine. Hey, you remember how I remember remember in San Diego a long time ago.

Woops. Remember when I was in San Diego a long time ago when I opened for you.

Yeah. Yeah. What happened. What happened. I just have a simple question. You did a deer that got hit by a no, no, no, no, no, no. But what I mean is when you were in you know what happened then.

OK, listen, I'll grant that you are the Taylor Swift comedy, all right? Right. You're not Led Zeppelin, right? You bop.

You're an old guy. Why would you even bring up all due respect to Taylor Swift, who I like?

Because I think someone was going to going to film specials again. When is that going to happen? I'm just so glad I don't vote him out. You you nailed it. Nailed it. Luckily, yeah.

Like I was saying with Louie, Louie C.K. filmed his under the wire, like, right there because he filmed his like in March. Yeah. He filmed it March. It was like March sixth or seventh and he just put it out.

I don't know man am I not optimistic. It doesn't look good. Man Sharp has a date for the end of June in Spokane, Washington. Oh, he's crazy. And I said, that's very optimistic.

Oh, just a date. Not not special yet. One thing is that Washington State, they got hit early, so they might open up quicker. I hope so.

Isn't there a coordinated effort among governors to slowly open this whole thing up? Right.

I don't know if they know what to do because no one's ever done it before. So it's one of those things. Where are we going to want to watch one state do it and fuck up? And then we're going to go, OK, let's not do it the way North Dakota did it. Let's try to do it the way Arizona did it. Bigger question is like something like Disney World. How do you open Disneyland? How do you do that watch?

So that's a good quote if somebody catches covid when they're there.

Mickey was Mickey with a on me as a mask.

Oh, do you sign do you sign up big years around this big year? It's going to be a new Disney character, covid Mickey. He warned that California should prepare to enter a radically different realm where residents continue to wear masks and where they will be greeted at restaurants by waiters wearing masks and gloves with disposable menus in venues that have half as many tables.

Jesus fucking Christ, go for the governors. This is from Gavin Newsom told reporters to check back with him in two weeks when he may be able to outline a. Exact dates of California flattening and then decline of coronavirus coronavirus hospitalization. He's dealing with the worst case scenario. And I I think that all of them are around. Yeah, I just think we're going to I think human beings adapt. I really do. I think I think that's not going to be the case.

I think after a while, people are going to be like, fuck it. Well, waiters with masks on, it's going to be strange.

There's going to be a lot of opportunists that cause crime because a lot of people are wearing masks. Fuck, yes.

It's going to be very, very different world from where Richard Nixon mask.

Anyway, the mask, I just I just put a Richard Nixon dead presidents like a point blank point break.

Yeah. Yeah. Point break. Right. Yeah, they do. A new version of that doesn't work. Yep. Yeah. Oh I thought. How bad was it. I love the original dude.

It's like everything that was special about. It's the same thing with the Total Recall movie and I love Colin Farrell. I think he's great but they, it's like they just took everything that was special about the fucking movie and they just made it a straight action movie.

They shouldn't do that anymore. They want the money. Why do they redo movies? Just make a new movie.

What is the best movie you've seen in a while in the past year into the spider versus have you seen that?

No, it's it's good. It's really great. It's amazing, isn't it. Great animated Spider Man movie, but it won awards and shit.

I think it's the animation spectacular. It's really fucking good. The plot is great. It's a great movie. I was a little skeptical. My come on a Cartoon Spider-Man movie with a pig. There's a pig in it like this is the spider. It's you haven't heard this. It's great.

I'm into this. I usually wait for the book to come out.

It's fucking great. The book about the movie. Yeah, I'm a reader. No, it's it's like it's cartoonish but it's not. The animation is amazing. It's like it's really good. Man. I was blown away. I heard it was good. So I was like oh I heard is good. And we do movie night with my kids. So we decided to sit down and watch and it was fucking amazing. Blew me away.

I watched a quiet place again. That's a good fucking movie is really good.

But why didn't they just turn everything all up. Well, why did they just turn everything all up and then the aliens would heard everything and then everything would they wouldn't hurt the people walking around.

Oh. Oh shit. It was a great movie. But why didn't they do that? Because the aliens would kill everything, whether it was sound. How many aliens are there, we don't know. Yeah, but there's going to be a second one coming out. Yeah. Yeah. But the previous movies Moving Fucked like Pattie's Wonder Woman to that movie Blood Sport Bloodshot Whatever with Vin Diesel that was going to bomb anyway.

Now at least I have an excuse. Do you know what I mean. You know what I mean. Because now they give be like, oh it was a disease. No, no, no, no. That's why they didn't want to see Vin Diesel in fucking anything other than Fast and Furious.

Oh, there's this is a Vin Diesel movie with no cars.

Oh, let's fucking line up to get the hell out of you. He can I only want to see Vin Diesel sitting down going on.

He could be just stand there Muscala with a gun. Yeah he could be a CIA dude. No fucking. Oh yeah. Bomb because of covid. Oh OK.

He was in that one movie though. What is the movie where he could only see it. He see in the dark.

No no no no. It's black pitch black pitch dark pitch dark movie. That was cool. That was a good movie. There are no those good movies. There are zero fucking movies I think going to be in production up until then. Why don't they know. How can they produce.

Why don't they know what movies are going to bomb beforehand.

It's so fucking obvious. Yeah. Katz was going to eat shit and you knew that.

And if you didn't know that then don't fucking associate with me due to Hollywood is so dumb sometimes. Man, that fucking movie that came out called like Have Mercy or some shit with Michael B. Jordan. No. Do you remember that movie.

No. No. Because of course it was going to fucking. What was it about. I don't know. He was like a lawyer or some shit.

Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, dude, you just know what movies are going to bomb.

Yeah. And Hollywood's like, no, pump some money into this one, dude, you know, it's going to pump. It's so fucking obvious.

They make mistakes for sure. But it's like, dude, sure, make another fast and furious.

I get it. Make fucking you know, Van Helsing. OK, people can go see that. But come on. Yeah.

People have to take chances though. That movie with Chris Harris. Right. There's a movie where Chris Evans plays a trumpet player.

Oh, you made that. You made that. But wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Jamie Fox played a homeless guy that was a brilliant musician. It was an amazing movie. Remember that movie? What was the movie?

Yes. Was a movie.

Yeah, but but you can tell Jamie Foxx a day. Go see it. Yeah. It was a really popular movie. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

But you can tell when somebody's going to go see a movie. Jamie Foxx almost Jamie Foxx put Chris Evans a guy who looks like a guy any kid would draw. If you said, hey, kid, draw somebody date by mistake, draw Chris Evans and you're going to give him a trumpet and make the movie about that. Are you out of your fucking mind? It's to make zero dollars and we know that.

But it's going to be like last. Great. They might get whiplash, you know, but that's.

Different because you get a kind of unknown guy playing a fuckin against a kind of unknown guy about a guy playing the drums and look at this perfect, handsome. This girl is excited. You want that? Can he play the trumpet?

I heard that he learned how to play the trumpet to do this movie, and it was too hard. And he gave up.

Yeah, that's. Well, fuck it. Oh, no. Look at this.

Look at this. Is that really what this movie's about? No.

Knock on Chris Evans, by the way. Some guy. Yeah. Handsome guy, good captain, a good actor. But just nobody's going to see that movie. That's obvious.

Player B, Thorkild is available on iTunes before we go.

What would you do? You want to play, bro? What do you want to play your dream role? All I want to do is action movies. You do? That's all I've told you. I told you.

Who do you want to act like? It's New York City lifting weights. Do you in your Rolodex. Who the fuck are you going to play? Is it in your role that don't stand up? I want to see who stretches better.

I have a fucking action movie coming out to listen. Who the fuck are you going to play in an action movie? The guy at the computer, like I think I broke into no dude, no dude.

And that guy always says I'm way ahead to get. You got what he says. Are you going to play this guy?

Are you going to play the guys? Like who? Here they come and I'll close the shot. Oh, come on. Well, you're not going to play.

Hey, dude, check this out. Do it, do it. Go ahead. Do it. You're playing the guy. The guy who does that to the guy who does that dude. But what do you do it?

Well, they are doing also your whisp. Narborough, I'm in a fucking I got this action movie coming out.

Do you have to shoot you? You got an action movie. Come on. Legitimately so your movie so far is going Zack Snyder movie. He did like all the show. Yeah, he did a you know, that movie Dawn of the Dead. You see that one? It's the new one. It's Army of the Dead.

It's you're doing a zombie movie, bro. No shit. He was sending me pictures of him dressed like a soldier boy.

The shit out fucking sounds like he did a good guy, too, right? Yeah, sure. Give us a little in the. No, you with the dude from America.

His name Batiste. Yeah. I'll give you. My God. You look fantastic. Thanks dude. No, they all look. They all look. They're big tough guy. Michael Jai White.

I'm the biggest guy there except for David Tesna. So go fuck yourself. And I'll tell you also you look at that ad, you buy it, bro.

And I know. Oh my goodness, I'm buying. Those guys are all bigger than you. None of those guys except they like you. You got the spicy lesbian looking Latino girl with the headband. That's important. And she probably swears a lot. Yeah.

And says things like suck my dick. She's hot topics at this point.

Maybe. But I will tell you this. They got every fucking walk of person in that movie. They got everything they have to Netflix.

This shit is global. They have Indian star.

They have a star that's big in China. Is that Michael Jai White?

No, that's Almaraz from power that our strong guy, Omari Hardwick.

Batiste Batiste is already a really nice guy.

The nicest dude, the nicest guy, the nicest guy and a good guy to like.

Just a straight up honest guy. Beautiful.

Yeah. Let's end on that. We've got a test, Brian, and make sure it doesn't look at this Christmas thing. That's a bushwhacker. Fuck. I want this in my car. Do you yeah, what are you going to do with it? I would be illegal. Well, if there's a zombie apocalypse, I'm fucking I'm cleaning house. You get behind me.

Get behind me, Chris, and you hold onto my belt loop as I fucking just I just cut our way to safety. Do you want one of those things? Yeah, I do. What would you do with it? I don't know, I'd just like go to Mike Jones knife and tool on Instagram. He's the guy who makes it. He also made me this knife. He makes some nice stuff. He does. I like his knives. Let me see that.

Brian, how many times do you watch my special so far, dude? But I do I perform with you. I know what you're going to do. Nice to man. What's the deal with a raccoon?

That's a good bit, actually. Your special is out now on Netflix. What's it called again? No pain, no pay, because it's not on Netflix. I don't know why it's called no pain, no pain.

This has been a good time, but really fun. Let's see if Joe Brian can come see me in 2021 when I can do standup again. Twenty twenty two. According to Gavin Gavin Newsom, we have to move to Montana to stand up. We can be free. Goodbye, friends. Thank you friends for tuning into the show. And thank you to our sponsors. Thank you to policy genius. You will never be angry about your choice when you buy life insurance policy genius.

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Bye bye.