Joe Rogan podcast. Check it out.

The Joe Rogan experience.

Train by day.

Joe Rogan podcast by night.

All day. Gentlemen.

Good to see you.

Hey, Joe, thanks for having us. Dave, thank you so much.

My pleasure, my pleasure. Thanks for coming to town. Everybody's very excited.

I'm excited, dude. Playing the club had to bring in Ian. Super fan of the show.

Thanks, Ian. I'm a fan of you, dude. You're a funny motherfucker.

Thank you, bro. Means a lot.

Appreciate it.

My pleasure.

Yeah, I'm excited to be at the club, man.

I'm excited to have you guys. Everybody's been pumped. We're pumped.

It's a stroke fest. But you know what, Joe? I'm in town for the club to hang with you and also to promote a special what do you.

Only.

I bring one out every other election year. I know I don't have the turnaround you have, man. You're good.

It's okay. It's when you put them out, they're fucking magic. Skanks for the memories is still one of my all time favorite comedy albums. It's a fucking classic.

It's weird when you. I'm sure you have this where a fan comes up to you and they repeat one of your most horrific jokes, like, hey, man, those titties ain't. I'm like, whoa. Say it in a corner, not here.

You know what happens to me sometimes? People bring up bits that I totally forgot.

Oh, true.

I'm like, oh, my God. How does that go? I have to ask them, how does it go? Oh, yeah. What? Was it on?

Yep. That's what it is, man. It's all a blur.

Well, we're old. Yeah, David, we are old.

Was. My mom's been in the hospital, right. I went in there and people thought I was the patient.

I was sitting in the room with.

Her, and they kept coming over to me. I'm like her. I wish it was a joke.

It's not. I've known you for at least 30 years.

For sure. Well, it looks better on you than on me, that's for sure. That's why I brought in my intern to take some of the slack up.

Wait, you guys are the same age?

I'm older than you. I'm older than you.

How old are you?

59.

I'm 56.

Okay. Well, there you go. See? Yeah. Three years ago, I looked like that. Now I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened to me.

It's all about the maintenance.

Well, yeah, you put the time you.

Got to keep that maintenance up. I saw it coming a long time ago, though. I saw it coming, like, in my 30s.

Yeah, but you never were like this. I mean, you never were.

No, I never let myself go.

Yeah.

I never let myself go. I'm terrified of it.

Really?

Yeah, because I've been injured before. I've had a bunch of surgeries. I know what it's like to have things not work good. I'm like, oh, you got to do everything you can to make sure the fucking wheels are still on the machine.

Yeah.

If you don't. We all know guys like Patrice. We lost Patrice.

Yeah.

We all know guys who don't take care of themselves, and fucking shit just starts breaking. What do you stop falling apart?

I'm glad you brought up Patrice, because we've lost a lot of greats, but Patrice is the one. A lot of people, fans always bring up Patrice. What would he do in the age of Ozempic? What do you think?

I don't think he would go along with it.

I could see him putting it on, like a cheeseburger or.

He's not into a fuck category. He's not going to do it. Like, Brian Simpson got on it for a little while. It was terrible for him, really. He had terrible. I was. And I taught those guys how to eat better. I'm like, just stop eating all the bullshit. And you'd be amazed at how much better you feel.

What do you think is bullshit?

Bread and carbs. Not all carbs. Vegetables are fantastic for you. I'm not one of those people that thinks that you should be on any particular diet, because I think diets are different for every person. Some people, vegetarian, vegan, they're fine. Some people, they fall apart. You got to figure out what the fuck is right for you. But for everybody. Sugar?

Really?

Everybody?

Even sweetener? No good.

Well, like, artificial sweetener that kills you. You're a fucking pussy. Diet Coke takes you out.

Get the fuck overdosed on stevia.

Fuck out of here.

I'm not playing a xylitol. I think that it's fucking pasta and bread for a lot of people. I know it is for me. I over consume calories when I eat that stuff. Because it's so wonderful to stuff in your fat face. Sonia or something.

Yeah. When's the last time you had a piece of cake? Just like, shits and giggles?

I'll do it every now and then. Once a week or something like that. I give myself a day where I don't give a shit. I'll eat pizza.

What is carbo loading. Aren't you supposed to do a bunch of that before you do, like, a race or you ride?

Yeah, a lot of guys do that. You'd have to talk to endurance athletes about that. But essentially they're just like, taking in a lot of carbohydrates before, like ultramarathons and things like that. And then they'll also have gels. They have these carb gels. They'll squirt in their mouth running. Yeah, they're just all about performance. Those folks are all about just like, trying to squeeze out another two or three minutes in a 100 miles race. That's crazy.

I ride a bike in New York City, so I eat a ton of pasta, and I'm riding 3 miles. I'm like, I got a carbo load.

But that's a fucking workout, though. Boy. That's so good for your health. Except for the fact that you're breathing in brake dust.

I think that's the least of it in New York. It's kind of like you're driving through, like, a zombie horde, homeless dust. You're pedaling. And you're also kind of basically, like, away.

Thought about wearing, like, armor.

Charge of the light brigade.

I have used my bike chain as, like, a mace. Oh, yeah.

He's got people away from you.

He's got some great tangles by the.

Is it that bad down there?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, you got to learn sometimes you have to pop off because cars will turn and they act like you don't exist. So you got to yell and everything, right? And a lot of these guys, especially since the pandemic is everything's food delivery, so they all go down the wrong way. They're all buzzing around you on the side. It's terrible. And this guy caught me on a bad one. I was having a bad day, and he was coming at me. I was like, wrong way, asshole. And he came up, got in front of me, stopped, and was like, asshole. You're asshole. And he smacked my coffee out of my hand.

A white guy? Yeah, it was white.

That's why I said something.

That southern draw really gave it away.

Sounds like a really privileged.

Someone from the Bronx. I would have been like, fair enough. Good for you, sir. I'm wrong.

So he climbed out, smacked your coffee.

Oh, yeah.

And I spit in his face.

Wow.

And then I went down, and then he came up again and took his phone out and started to tape me. And I was like, you're a fucking pussy, you fucking snitch. And I took my chain I was like, you want to be fucking tough? Let's be tough. And he was crazy. And I rode away and I went, welcome to New York. Because there's a whole crowd of people watching.

That's coming from the guy who just saw Ghostbusters how many times? This guy is a ghostbuster nut. He's a fanatic.

He was probably coached. If anyone gives you a hard time, you'll film shame them. You don't like imitating?

Well, no, he was French. That was a terrible french accent.

I didn't get that at all. I didn't get that at all on that one.

No, I made him say Uzbeki but he was French.

Yeah, but you got to be careful fighting people from other countries. They play by different rules.

That's true.

Yeah.

You're with a guy, you're tangling, and all of sudden, a. He pulls out a snake. I got to poison his viper on me. You know who told me that? This guy I knew from said, you know, in know, you go to a bar and these guys have these rings that are dipped in. You know, you'd be with the guy, and all of a sudden he'll on the back like that, and they're like, ow. What was that? Like a pin brick? And then you're dead, like a day later. No, it's a Malaysian. Hello.

Like, those spears dipped in shit in Vietnam, something like that.

You could probably survive the spear dipped in shit before you could survive the poison.

Yeah, but I was like, in Malaysia. Wow, it's a tough scene over there. Well, Ian was going to say, we've been working together for a long time. Yeah. And he's sober, too, so I'm sorry. This is kind of, like a bore. But the sober life on the road is not very cool. The chain smoking and the coffee, that's pretty much it.

We go on adventures. We do daytime, sober adventures.

What do you think it would be like sober? No coffee, no cigarette.

I can tell you right now. Suicide. Because my plane was delayed and I hadn't had a coffee in 12 hours. I got that weird headache, you know what I'm talking about? From the front all the way to the back. And I was like, that's coffee withdrawal right there.

Yeah.

Well, you also don't drink water.

Yeah, water is for. Yeah.

Do I drink coffee?

Pretty much. Dehydration.

I'm like, here's a water, David.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Doesn't want it.

Oh, my God. That's like, the least you can do for your body. And I'm like, nah, I don't think so.

Well, those connecting flights are hell when you can't smoke cigarettes. It's like an eight hour connecting flight. Then you got to smoke in the family bathroom at the airport.

There's only one airport where you can smoke, and that's Vegas, I think.

Is that the only one that has a booth?

It has that weird. Yeah.

Like that coffin room.

Yeah, that kind of.

Everyone can smoke, too. I don't think so, bro.

That is the wildest thing they ever did. Give you a box where you could do drugs in. Get in there because it's going to fuck up everybody else. So get in there so you don't fuck.

Live it up, rat.

Well, the crazy thing is you used to be able to smoke on the fucking plane. I remember it clearly when I was a kid, dice used to have a bit about it. The smoking section. We're on a fucking tube. It's all the same air. They had a fucking smoking section. Tried doing that joke today. People are like, what? Smoking on a plane?

Even smoking jokes. People are like, what are you talking about?

Not that smoking was back. I thought all the scenesters, the posers, are into smoking cigarettes now because vaping became too mainstream. I thought that they went, that's what I've heard in New York. Like, smoking in a restaurant, smoking in a bar somewhere. Just have, like. It's kind of like a retro kind of a look. How cool, you know?

Well, it's trading the moment for the future.

True. That is true. But I was just in a hospital with old people. There's not much future moment.

You trade that moment for, like, a decay. A certain amount of decay you're going to experience in your future.

Yeah, I'll take it. You got to live in the moment.

Sure. Until you can't.

Well, I'm telling you, I was just around a lot of old people. Like the woman next to my mom in the hospital, 100 years old. No. And she was no Betty White, by the way. All right. It was like, we peeked through the curtain. It's like, hi. And it was just like, eyes over oxygen mask, glaring at us like, whoa. Okay, we get it. I'll see you at the hardware store in heaven.

She was done.

You're going to live forever. I mean, we all know that that's not possible. Come on.

No one's living forever. Well, but my goal is just to stay healthy. Just keep it moving. Make sure it moves good.

Would you eventually segue from a less strenuous workout? You know what I'm saying? Like, when you get older?

Not unless I have to.

Like a Tai Chi in a park. Nothing like that.

Tai Chi in a park makes you look like you read. A know you're, like, really into esoteric things.

True.

You're out there moving slow in the park, doing an ancient kung fu in.

New York that's called methadone. People in their own world.

I used to go to this pool hall, and the methadone clinic was right down the street. And so my friend Johnny used to call them the methadonians. They'd get their dose and they'd just come in and play pool, and they'd be like, perfect. For sure they were high.

Yeah.

This idea that methadone is like, that's what stops you from using heroin. Right. But it also gets you high.

Right? Yeah. I know guys who are addicted to methadone. And what was I going to say? That you can take with just a pill, right? Isn't that what that is?

You can drink it, too.

You can, yeah. Wow.

And Suboxone is the same thing.

I had a guy come in and explain that on the podcast once. He actually ran a clinic at one point in time, and he was explaining how they're just getting you hooked on these other things. And these other things also get you high.

Yeah.

Have you done it before?

No.

Suboxone?

No. But I mean, it's just like, I've.

Heard mixed reviews, though. Some people say it doesn't do that to you.

Well, I mean, it's like, whatever gets you off the thing that's killing you. It's like, harm reduction, but eventually you got to get off that if you.

Want to be, like, totally sober standing. Is that methadone is just as bad, if not worse, for you.

Really?

I don't think it's good for you.

I mean, my cousin's on it. She's doing great.

Well, there you go. What more do you need?

Told me. I think that if you know that the problem with fucking any opiates is your body develops a tolerance and then you go Rush Limbaugh. Rush was taking like, 99 pills a day or so.

Wow.

Yeah. Really deaf from it, supposedly.

Jesus Christ. I didn't know that about him.

Buying him just, like, excellence in broadcasting. I just imagined him just fucking blasted out of his mind, wandering around his.

House, yelling the most horrific things on.

Opiates, rubber band around his balls, just fucking out to lunch. Painkillers may have caused Limbaugh's deafness.

Why? I didn't know that.

Could a common painkiller taken in massive quantities by the way, contributed to Rush Limbaugh's well known hearing loss. Research findings suggest that the radio talk show host's apparent addiction to Vicodin could be the culprit behind his mysterious attack of deafness two years ago. Doctors over the past several years have reported dozens of cases of Vicodin addicts who become deaf and in some cases only regain their hearing with the help of cochlear implants, such as the one received by Limbo. It's pretty clear that there's an association, says Dr. Jeffrey Harris, an ear specialist the University of California, San Diego medical school. The ear is sensitive to drugs, and this particular association with Vicodin has become more relevant as people are getting their hands on it as a recreational drug. How many did he take at the height of his pilliness? Find that, because I think it was really nutty. I think he was in the day a day.

I took 90 in a week, and I was flying high. I took an imagination.

I believe it was Vicodin that I took once when I had knee surgery. I was like, I'd rather be in pain. I feel so stupid. But then I had a buddy of mine who was a musician, and he said he would take it and it would really help with his creativity when he's writing songs.

Really? Wow.

Sounds like an excuse, but I think it's a thing. It's. Well, definitely a crutch.

Right.

But I think it's a thing where it's different for different people. For Stanhope, weed is horrific.

Yeah, no, he's not a weed guy.

You can't do it.

He's an OG drunk.

Right. But for me, weed is like, this is wonderful. I love it. Everything's great. But I think the diversity of how the differences in people's just chemistry is very underappreciated in terms of tolerance to food, in terms of how much you can exercise, what kind of diseases you're going to get. It's biodiversity, man.

Well, you got to try it to find out.

Yeah, we're all fucking different. Like any one size fits all. Get the fuck out of here with that. That doesn't work with people. We're so different. We're almost like a bunch of different species all smooshed up together. Yeah.

When I had a shoulder surgery, they gave me a pain blocker. Have you had one of those?

No.

It lasts about 12 hours, and it just blocks the.

Oh, I have when I had surgery. Yeah.

I'm like, why haven't. Why hasn't that gotten recreational? Because it was like, awesome. It was like I was walking around, like, I don't even feel like I had surgery.

Epidural, where they go into your spine? Is that what you're saying?

No, they just put something, like, on it, I think, or. No, you're right. It was in me, and then it dissolved or something like that.

No, with an epidural, it's like a spine block.

Okay.

So they do it like if you want to be conscious. Like, I was conscious when I got my knee operated on, so they basically paralyzed me below the waist.

Wow, that's scary.

And then it was wild.

Why would you want that?

I wanted to see it because I wanted to see what the surgery looked like. I wanted to see my knee being pulled apart, screwed in together. They said I could watch it.

Couldn't you just watch it later?

No. Well, this is 1990, whatever it was. And so I said, what are the options? And the doctor said, well, most people, we just put them under. I go, but why would you not put them under? And he said, because sometimes people want to be awake. And I said, well, what happens if you're awake? Like, can I watch? And he's like, yeah. And I go, okay, let's do that. I want to see it.

So you could talk and everything while you were doing it?

Yeah, I could.

Wow.

And you didn't feel any panic?

No, it was interesting because I didn't feel any pain. So I was watching the doctor screw it in and hammer it and fucking, oh, man. Did it.

At any point, were you like, am I dead?

No. Doctor was awesome.

It wasn't out of body?

No, because you're essentially sitting there. I think the way I was seeing it was on a monitor, if I remember correctly. I think they had, like, a cotton shield in front of me, and my legs were there. And then I was looking up at a monitor. If I remember correctly, it's a long time ago. It's hard to remember, but I do remember him manipulating my leg and moving it around.

It was fucked.

I didn't have an ACL. And it's this pretty serious operation because they have to take a piece of your patella tendon with a chunk of bone from your shin and a chunk of bone from your kneecap, and they pull that out, and then they put it inside your knee and screw it in place.

Wow. Just the sounds alone would have creeped me out.

It's crazy.

Yeah.

When you hear the bone crunching because the fucking screw is going into it.

You'Re like, I want him to knock me out of the dentist. I can't imagine ACL surgery.

And then afterwards, he was manipulating it too. Afterwards, I was watching him move it around.

And what was the recovery on that? Like, how long? It took a long time, I'm sure.

Yeah, that's a long one. Because there's so much trauma going on there. I think that took like a year before my knee felt normal.

The knee is harder than the shoulder, right? In terms of.

No, the shoulders.

Shoulders. Harder.

Very hard. Because the shoulder moves all over the place.

Okay.

This is the only thing I could find. When he was arrested. They've had over two. He had 2000 plus painkillers in his.

System or on him.

Housekeeper claims that he did over 30 oxies a day.

But that's oxies. That's not Vicodin.

See, that's what they gave me after my hydrocodone loraset.

Oh, he had everything.

Norcan or he had a few things.

Hydrocodone can cause hearing loss. It says, wow, imagine, like, what a pill free. What a hell that is too. When you're a guy who has headphones on for a living and your pill thing is so wacky, you can't stop. It's so wacky, you can't stop to the point where your fucking hearing goes away. Now you can do your job so.

Good just with that oxy itch and everything. And then one day you can't hear. What a nightmare.

The thing you love feeling good, dude.

But he's probably got, like, five doctors to write those scripts like that. Because, honestly, isn't it illegal?

Well, he was living in.

Mill.

That's a great doc on Netflix. The guys were making all that money just selling, like, fake. It was just like, anybody? People coming in at got a. I got a brusitis. Okay, here you go.

That's my friend, Mariana Van Zeller. It's the OxyContin Express. That lady's a gangster. But she exposed the whole thing where they don't have a database, you can go from one place. They're basically pain management centers. Do you remember those?

Yeah, it's all done now.

Crazy. Okay. Mr. Limbaugh and I have maintained from the start that there was no doctor shopping. And we continue to hold this position. Mr. Black said. I love how he says that. Just that way he's giving up the fact that he's playing a game. We continue to hold this position. Wow, you're playing a chess game. You're literally, like, saying it. And what you're saying, there's no doctor shopping. I don't know what you're talking about.

But maybe back. Like, he had to be doing this for years and years and years.

If he's getting 2000 pills, you're going doctor shopping or you're buying it from a drug dealer. It's one of those two options when.

You have endless money.

Yeah.

Buy out any doctor.

So what do you do is you go to the pain management center. You go and you say, I'm in pain. And they go, oh, we'll write you a prescription for drugs. And you go right next door to the pharmacy that only sells OxyContin is the OxyContin Express. They would buy them from one doctor and go to another doctor and they should just get bags of pills, fill their trunk up and drive to Kentucky.

Yeah.

And it was off 95. So they would just go from Florida up to Philly, Delaware, New York.

How many cars made that trip before they started figuring out what was going on?

Right.

And the pharmaceutical drug companies knew it, so they just kept selling it. There was some nutty statistic at one point in time where Florida had like 1000 times more people than anywhere else in the world. I'm making that number up. But it was some nutty number where you're like, what in fucking God's name are you people doing? How is that not like an anomaly? It just shows up like, this one state has an insane amount of prescriptions. Is there some pain in that state? Maybe we should move people out of that fucking state.

We've got the blues, Kentucky bluegrass. No, but I like the parking lot. Did you see in the documentary they're like the most vagrant, just like redneck, just basically screeching around. And then the doctors themselves were armed because they were so afraid.

Those doctors are dealing with zombies. Somebody runs dry of money and no one wants their dick sucked, you're going to get jumped.

I mean, definitely on the way out, it's like an in and out.

There's a book called Dreamland that talks about the pill crisis and everything and how it started with black tar heroin coming in from naira, Mexico and everything. And there were houses in Ohio that people would line up with stolen goods and trade like chainsaws for pills and then they would take those goods from Home Depot and sell them back to make more money to buy pills. Oh, my God, a pill economy.

I don't know what to.

There's. There's many wars connected to that too. The conspiracies about Vietnam always had something to do with heroin. And the conspiracy about Afghanistan. Oh, with the opium, dude, we were guarding opium fields? Yeah, we were guarding poppy fields. The United States troops were guarding poppy fields, and they had Geraldo Rivera go over there to gaslight America about it, and they played it on TV. Now, tell me, why are you guarding this heroin? We have to guard the heroin, otherwise the local people won't like us.

Weren't they saying that they had to.

Back to you, Tet?

That they had to do it from the Taliban or something?

Well, that was how. What's the truth and what's the story are two very different things. They were fucking selling heroin. Heroin production went up after we invaded by some fucking insane number. That's not like. And then these guys are like, we need you to guard this heroin.

Of course you like us.

We're here to guard it. So they send fucking soldiers over there to guard heroin. Look at Geraldo's big, fucking silly smile. Hi, everybody. I'm in a war with a big smile. So look at this. The smile is to let everybody know that everything's fine. This is nothing to be concerned with.

And this is right around the time when opium and OxyContin was just flowing.

Look at even the way he's, like, performatively shaking this guy in front of the camera like he hasn't met this guy before. The whole thing is such a fucking charade. Fighting the opium trade by guarding the heroin. Imagine the fucking gaslighting. Fighting the opium trade while guarding the heroin field so that they could make heroin. The poppy fields only make heroin. There's no tomatoes in there, right. How are you fighting the opium trade? By guarding the heroin and ensuring the production.

It grinds at your gut.

How do you deal with it? What are you doing about it? Well, frankly, this is a part of.

Their culture, so while it might grind.

In my gut, it's what they do.

We provide them security. We're providing them resources, and we're providing them alternatives. The alternatives are, hit the brakes. The government became a drug dealer. One fucking 100%. There's no way they're doing that unless they're making some.

The alternative is pumpkins. We thought maybe pumpkin patch in here once a year. How about a Christmas tree farm? I know it goes against the culture.

But if we just time pumpkin season, right, we're going to make a killing, boys.

Now, the Vietnam thing is interesting, because I know my cousin who was in Vietnam. He came back, and he had a heroin problem. But in actual Vietnam, they don't make heroin. It's Laos. Right.

It's the trade routes.

So there you that it's in that.

Zone, it's controlling the like. There's so many conspiracies about what the real reason why they lied and made up a false attack to get us to go into Vietnam. But almost always it's money. Almost always. There's no way they do anything like that unless someone's making money. That's what they did then. That's what they do now. Now, if you're making money the legal ways, through selling weaponry and doing all the stuff that we do, but then you realize that there's all this extra money being made here that you're not getting a piece of, right? If there's trillions of dollars in heroin coming from a place, you're going to be like, hey, this is kind of bullshit. I'm tired of selling you fuckers tanks. I want a piece of this heroin. And that. Look, this is so well documented in our country. That's literally what the Iran Contra affair was about. Exactly. That's the. When we funded the war. The Sandinistas versus the contras in Nicaragua. That's Oliver North. I mean, that's fucking freeway. Ricky Ross was selling them the coke.

Yeah, but we have to invade them because they hate our freedom.

That is important. I'm glad you look at it that way. What's really important is framing it in a way that the common person can understand. I know this seems like tyranny to you, and there's a bunch of fucking murderous drug dealers at the helm of the wheel, but that's not the case.

What about fentanyl? What do you think of that?

Oh, I love it.

It's got legs. It's got legs.

I wish it was in everything. It's fucking crazy. It's crazy.

That's out of China, right?

Well, they need the precursors. The precursors, apparently are coming from China.

Okay.

Again, China's like, listen, are they buying? Then we're selling.

Let's go.

Who is their plan to win the hundred year war? Well, opium.

They are way ahead of schedule. Those guys are killing it. They're fucking killing it. They're killing it with TikTok. I think TikTok accelerated everything.

Yeah. TikTok is the new opium.

Yeah, it really is. It basically is.

And that's our TikTok. Their TikTok is all like. It's good for good kids.

Science prize, martial arts.

Are you a child? Be sexy and dance.

Like what?

Yeah, drag queens are fun.

They must be really.

I'm a teacher. You need to know how I fuck.

What?

Jesus Christ. I'm non binary. So you must use these pronouns. And the kids are like, how many pronouns are? Yeah, yeah.

What the, uh. I've never been to China. I know guys who've toured through, like, I can only imagine what those shows are mean. I guess you do it for the expats. It's not like the locals are dying for american comedy over there.

They will fucking put you in the ground if you talk some shit over there.

Oh, yeah, no, don't.

You can't go over there and just get drunk and do comedy. They will put you in the fucking ground.

But you know how, like, when you do, like, a town and you always make fun of the other town, like, to get those people on your side, like, hey, I'm in Pittsburgh. What about, know, Scranton? Am I right? Come on, they suck. I'm kidding. But, you know, that's the thing, like, who do they make fun of? I guess us. That would be really just like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm coming from America with know different branches of government. I wish we have just one guy.

One guy. You can get shit done. You can really get.

That's for sure.

Because what you do is you make sure that the businesses are all on the same page as the government. The government owns the businesses. You're all together. You're all part of it. You can't make a decision without them. That way we're all working in the greater good of the country. You can make plenty of money. We're all working in the greater good of the country. And it's a weird hybrid of communism. And, like, that's what changed when China figured out, oh, no, we need to have competition, so people need to be able to make money. Let them make money, but we'll still run shit. And then I think America was like, I like what? She's a.

She looks good. Yeah.

I want that dress. I think it's that. That's what I think it is. And I think that's why they're fucking pushing for all this crazy shit today. People think they're really trying to make the world better for people. No, they're not. Shut the fuck up. They're trying to get more control out.

Of, like, when you go overseas, do you perform like a tour or. What's your favorite spot overseas?

I love the UK. I love to go over there. I just love the people. I just love it. They're fun. It's a fun place. I love England. I love Scotland.

How about Australia? Have you done that?

Yeah, I've done Australia. I love Australia. Fun fucking people, man, they're fun. Know, there's a lot of America that's, like, a little uptight for sure. And also very judgy. Very judgy and very, you know. I know there's a lot of wokeness in England, too, but, like, good old fucking regular drunk english guys are fun. I like them. I like drunk irish guys. They're fun.

Ireland is good.

Yeah, they're fun. The young people there get it. Young people know what the fuck is going on. The young people today are on the Internet, and the young people today are paying attention to people that aren't lying and they realize, like, oh, we're getting fucked. Yeah, you've been getting fucked. We were getting fucked. We didn't even know we were getting fucked.

Well, I mean, when you go overseas, that's the thing of, like, I say, start small. Canada. You know what I'm saying? Get it going. But it's funny how they get all of our references, yet they're better people, that kind of thing.

No, they're not.

I think they are.

No 20% less douchebags in Canada.

How many fights have you seen out of Tim Hortons? That's what I want to know. Exactly. You never see a beat down. You never see a shooting.

I went to a strip club in Calgary, and they use the loonies and toonies, the coins to give the strippers. And people are like, when you go, make sure you don't warm them up with a lighter. They don't like that. And I'm like, what? They're throwing hot coins at strippers.

These are terrible people. This might be what we call, like, sampling bias, like the study that you took of what kind of people Canadians are at a whole.

Was at a strip blanket statement.

And where was the strip club?

Calgary.

Calgary. Okay. A strip club in a fucking cattle town. A frozen cattle town in one of the toughest fucking places on earth to live.

I forgot it is a cattle town.

I've got some friends that. My friends John and Jen, they live in Edmonton. They live out in Alberta. And it's so cold out there, you can take hot water and throw it in the air and it freezes before it hits the ground.

Wow, bro.

They get to 50 below, 60 below.

A week before I was there, it was negative 30. And then the week I went, it was 32 degrees and people were like, oh, I'm wearing shorts.

It was fucking nuts, Hardy.

That's why they're so cool up there. You have to have discipline to live. You have to be able to shovel your car out of the fucking snow. To stay alive. To stay alive. It makes for better people. It makes for more resilient people.

People are better when they know how to put on snow tires.

This guy in the strip club, honestly, I hate to think you out or anything, but you know how most guys go and they just kind of sit and observe? He's part of the action. He immediately runs in, throwing the dollars, spanking an ass. I'm like, I don't know if you're allowed to do that here, dude. I don't know where you think you're. He's from Delaware, so I assume that's like a hand.

Delaware, it's normal.

Yeah, spanking a woman's ass. But. And they liked it too. They were like, oh, finally, a guy who gets us here. They were like into him.

They want to have fun. And most guys just sit there and you went up and you put a dollar like you were betting poker.

I was like looking around for the cameras. I don't want to be observed doing this, but it was really definitely that was for Louis cast's bachelor party. Half bachelor party, half bachelor party. Because I wasn't going to go to Costa Rica with them. I'm too old for.

Night out documentary. Dave Attell down there. Costa Rica is awesome, but the bugs are gigantic, bro. They have crazy bugs you have never seen before.

They're like birds really.

They're fucking huge.

I wouldn't be into, there's crocodiles there.

I went with my family and we went on a crocodile tour. It's crazy, dude.

They're crocodiles, right?

Oh yeah, bayou's, well, they have a crocodile. It's like rivers and I don't know what you would call it. I guess you could call it a bayou. I think Bayou is like an american term, isn't a french term?

Yes, it is a french term.

They use for Cajun country.

CCR term.

Yeah, boom. Bayou, that's a jam. But so we're in this boat, right? And my kids are young at the time and I'm like, don't go near there. Don't go near there. Every time they go near the edge, one of them is a little daredevil and she likes to lean over the edge like, come on, you fucking thrill seeker. These are real dinosaurs, man. And so we watch this one slide into the water. So there's a bunch of them on the decks, on the banks rather, and they're sunning themselves. And you see these fucking 15ft crocodiles just sunning themselves. This is so creepy. And then they slide into the water. You're like, jesus, they're under us. You're in the boat. And I'm like, this is such a bad idea. And all my father instincts are kicking in. I'm like, don't go near. Don't go there, go. Hey, you're like road rage times 100. You're fucking freaking, man. If one of them falls in, you're going to go in. You have to go in.

Can't leave them.

You have to go in and you have to throw them onto the fucking boat. And then you got to figure because the crocodile is going to hear the splashing. Oh, Jesus.

Wow.

So scary.

How about the ocean there, too? That's another one where it's like, amazing. But there's a lot of shark.

Oh, they have sharks down there.

That's what I heard really well.

Down shark Florida. Down in the keys, they have so many bull sharks that there's a bunch of videos of guys fishing and they're just trying to get the fish in as quick as they can because the bull sharks come along.

Amazing.

Fuck those fish up.

Wow.

There's bull sharks everywhere down there. So many that you're allowed to kill them and cook them.

Really?

Yes.

You can go bull shark fishing.

You can go bull shark fishing in the keys in Florida.

What does that taste like?

How many bull sharks are you allowed to take? I think you allowed to take like one a year or something like that. But people go fishing for bull sharks.

How big do they get?

And people get mad at them. You're killing sharks because of the propaganda of the fucking shark's fin soup. People don't understand the size of the globe and they think that sharks are endangered.

But not there.

They're not.

No.

They might not be over there, wherever the fuck they've been killing them and taking their fins off, but in Florida, there's a lot of them.

Does it fuck up the ecosystem, though, if they kill too many of them?

Sure, yeah, but we're killing too many fish.

Yeah.

The problem is it's not just we, the human race. We've depleted the ocean by something. Around 90% of all the big fish.

And then they told us that plastic straws are the problem. So every time I go to a coffee shop, it sucks ass.

Here it is.

Bull sharks are harvestable in Florida with a 54 inch minimum size limit and one per person per day. Per day. That's how many they have of them. The world record is from Stewart, Florida, with 501 pounds, 92 inches. Yikes. The maximum size is about 13ft with the matures at approximately 14 to 18 years of age.

Wow.

Teenager.

But bull sharks are responsible for almost all of the different shark attacks out there. They like to bump and bite, meaning they bump their prey and attack it while it's trying to figure out what just hit them.

Just like you, Ian. Bump and bite.

That's the strip club strategy bull shark use. Cut stingrays for bait year round and our heaviest rods and tackle gear. No doubt you will get a great show and fight if you catch a bull shark.

Would you ever go bullshark fishing?

I'm not a fishing guy, but I wish I was into that. Like, I like all the gear they have to buy. I like that when you go into like, a dicks and you see that whole wall for the right anglers and all that kind of the lures and all that kind of. I don't know, but I'm not.

But you wouldn't go?

I would go, but I'm not really trying fishing.

This is one of the things that Jamie just pointed out. One of the crazy things about bull sharks is they go into freshwater.

Oh, wow.

So they can go. They've been all the way up into bullshit. No bullshit. They make their way up the river.

That explains it.

Even the movie Jaws was based on a freshwater attack that was on a river in New Jersey.

That's right, yeah. Near Tom's river.

They go all the way up the river into the can.

How can they do that, though? Fresh and salt.

They're monsters.

Wow.

They're just designed to kill. And if they ran out of shit to kill in the salt, they ventured into the fresh.

That's amazing.

They made it all the way up into the rivers and they started killing things.

What do they look like?

The blue shark? Like the regular shark?

Like a great white type shark.

I thought it was smaller than that.

Smaller? They're smaller, but it's the same kind of look.

Wow.

That's what a bull shark looks like. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Look at that terrifying fuck head. Jesus Christ.

Dude, that's like the classic.

Know how many there must be if they let you kill one a day?

Sure.

Do you know how many there must be?

Yeah, it's great news.

How many people are going out specifically.

Like, catch bull sharks? There's videos on YouTube of guys doing it. Yeah, they have, like, YouTube fishing channels.

For real?

I subscribe to a couple YouTube fishing channels. These fucking dudes go down there and they catch bull sharks. Jamie, see if you can find, like, bull shark fishing. Warmer sea surface temperatures have led to a bull shark population increase, scientists say, wow. Marine wildlife expert discusses whether people should take caution. Yeah, they're going to kill. You take a lot of fucking caution. These fuckers are dangerous. They're real aggressive, too. I think them and tiger sharks, bull sharks, I think are the most. What did you say, Jamie?

Does you want bullshark video fishing?

Yeah, bull shark fishing.

I want to see the Illinois bullshark fishing scene.

The thing is, people have it in their head like, oh, you shouldn't kill sharks.

Right.

But you also shouldn't let them kill people. If you get, like, so many fucking sharks to kill people, you got to kill the sharks.

Yeah, but it's also like, we shouldn't be eating tuna and salmon with everything that shark, bro.

I want a shark steak, bro. You used to be able to buy it everywhere. Mako shark was like a normal thing that was on menus growing up on Long island.

That was the big get a mako.

Two bull sharks swam up to Mississippi river to St. Louis.

Wow.

Yeah.

See the arch? What a nice little trip.

But that's how resilient they are. Fisherman's tail from 1937 sparked the researcher's interest in bull sharks upstream after two fishermen caught a five foot, 84 pound bull shark in Alton, Illinois. So that was in 19, 37, 58 years later, in 1995, a fisherman near Rush Island, Missouri, caught another bull shark.

That's fucking. What are they eating?

Everything.

Wow.

Fucking everything. Birds. Whoever's. Whoever's slipping, bitch.

Oh, man.

Bull sharks typically live in warm water, in open saltwater, but they are one of the few species that can adapt to live in freshwater environments.

Do they ever have arguments and they go after each other?

I wonder.

I think sharks eat each other. Yeah, sharks.

I'm sure they do.

For sure.

Well, they kill everything else.

Battlebots of the sea.

That would be great.

Fucking monsters, man.

That's awesome.

I mean, their teeth are just rows and rows of duplicating teeth. So when one falls out, another one replaces it.

This is so different from the stuff I look at at home. Like when I'm like a koi pond. Like there's something about a koi pond. Like it calms me down.

I don't know what it is, Walter.

Anything with parrots, I'm always into that.

I like that, too. Yeah.

This is what I was thinking of doing. There's all these parrots that outlive their owners. So you take them and you make like a supreme court of parrots. They know all this ancient stuff because they're like old. You put little robes on them, and it's like, hey, what do you guys think about? And you say an issue and then whatever, it's like, okay, well, there you go. That's what we should do.

Parrots live super old.

I know, like 70 years or something really crazy.

So if you get one when you're 80, you're an asshole. You really are so selfish, this poor parrot. Especially if you treat it well.

Can you imagine handing a parrot down to your children in the will?

Yeah, that would suck. That would fuck.

I think they can live to, like, 100 years old. I'm not sure. Like a tortoise. Like, they have that kind of age to them. They really can live a long time. There's a few animals where once you get them as a pet, you're there and it is for your kids.

And do they keep learning phrases?

No, I think they kind of just know, like, three things. I don't know.

Some pets, such as tortoises and parrots, may live for over 50.

Okay, well, I was wrong. Tortoises live, like, into their hundreds, provide.

Documented pens for their pet parrots in their wills. Yeah, there it is. Lawyers often urge pet parents. Lawyers. That's just lawyers weaseling in on.

I'm a pet parent. My attorney.

Yeah, that's a leap of faith, because I just did a will. And to my parrot, I'd like you to. It's like, yeah, we're going to do that. He can talk, but he can't testify.

It says some species live 75 to 100 years.

Oh, wow. You got to go with an old fashioned pigeon. That's like, what, three weeks? Like six weeks if he's healthy.

Do you know the pigeons were all brought over here for food?

No, I didn't know that. I thought they were from here.

No, they're an invasive species. I guess they were brought over from Europe, but they were a food source. That's what squab is.

Oh, it is squabs.

Pigeon.

Really?

Squabb. Yeah. All those pigeons in New York City. 100%. You could shoot them and eat them and they're good.

I wish we were allowed.

Good luck to that.

Just pink. Pink. Just shoot them. And then you just put them in a bag, take them home and pluck them. Literally. You could hunt wild meat in Central park.

So when people go out, let's squab. Is that what they're really talking about? Like pigeoning?

That's what squabble is. Yeah. Whoa. Squabble. Wow.

Easy, Webster. I wonder.

I mean, that kind of makes sense.

Yeah, that's going to squab.

That's a weird word. It is squabbling. What are we squabbling about? That doesn't even sound like a fight word.

No. How can you fight after hearing that squabble? Sounds like you were to go, squabble.

Happens to your ankle.

I squabbed on the way in. What about squirrel? That used to be like a frontiersman. Hey, I shot some squirrel.

Oh, yeah? People still eat squirrels? Yeah, they eat squirrels all throughout the south. I have friends that hunt squirrels.

Some friends might want to take me a squirrel, raccoon and rabbit hunting while I'm here.

Wow.

Yeah, he's a good shop, by the way. He really is good.

Really hard time killing a raccoon. I just think raccoons are so cool.

They're the cutest.

They're not just, they have little hands. They got little hands? Yeah, and they're little hands.

Have you ever seen them eat, like, a cotton candy in water and it disappears and they get so confused.

Oh, really?

Oh, it's the cutest.

That's weird, because how they eat, they.

Pick up their food and then they run and eat it. So they try to pick the cotton candy up and it goes away. And then they're like, what happened?

That's so cute.

I saw a raccoon in front of the Chelsea hotel right next to Gotham.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

What the fuck?

That was weird.

This is crazy. He's searching for it. I lost it somewhere.

Poor little guy.

Oh, what a dirty trick to play on a raccoon. Look at him. He's so fucking frantic.

I found it.

Someone when they lost their vape.

Set that down here. What the fuck?

Where's that bullshark? You can't escape me. I can even do a water fountain.

Comes up to the toilet. Remember that was always a thing, that snakes were going to be in the toilets in New York City.

I was thinking about that the other day. Rats do that. Like, if a rat really came up and went inside of me, like, whose side would the EMTs be on? Here's one.

I always wanted to know if it's true. Alligators in the sewer? Yeah, I heard that as a kid. That was. People would have pet alligators and they would release them in the sewer.

It was always in video games.

There's a movie about it, too. There's a movie like, it was like a horror movie in the 80s about a gator that was living down in the sewers. And now he's like, humongous and he's going to eat somebody. Yeah, that's a cool thing. That was a great urban myth.

But was it real? Did they ever find alligators in the sewers? See, they found any alligators in New York City.

Yeah, but how would they get there?

They said that people threw them away.

Pets.

That's how.

Most of Florida is infested with pythons.

Pythons.

And a bunch of those came from people's pets. Yeah, not all of them. They used to think it was all pets, but then they found out that there was a research lab that got hit that was filled with pythons that got hit with a hurricane or a tornado or some shit.

Sounds like a horror movie.

Yeah. And the pythons got loose.

That's a terrible death, I think.

Honestly, would you rather python or bullshark wallowed head first?

Well, Python, you could smoke while you're dying, whereas Bullshark, you're in the water, you're already kind of like, I'm fat, my man boobs are being.

Anything that happens in the water is ultimately more terrifying.

True.

You can't move good in the water. You can't get away.

Did you see that video of that guy jumping off the cruise ship and they videotape and he just disappears into the night?

Yeah.

Oh my God.

That was it a couple of years ago, trying to impress his friends, and he jumped off into the water. Current took him away. And in the video, you just see just ahead bobbing and disappearing into the darkness.

Oh my God. What a terrible way to.

Yeah.

Oh, being an idiot. A drunk young kid.

You know, I feel sorry for the comic on the cruise ship. The next day he has to do a show. I know everybody's a little down.

If it was Tony Hinchcliffe, he'd be immediately making fun of. What the fuck was wrong with that guy? I guess he can't swim. The conditions have led to the myths of several special breeds. The lack of sunlight creates a blind, albino gator.

Wow.

But is it true?

So it started off as a myth, but there have been reports of not only sightings, but they have pulled a couple out. But the original reports were like, there was hundreds in there a year. And I think that's a myth.

Wow.

They've pulled a couple out of it.

Yeah.

How many did they pull out?

Like I said, it started off as a myth to became truth. Like, this is a nonprofit says they pulled out five.

Oh, they're just little.

They pulled out five alligators, handled five gators in the past two years.

That's still a lot. That's pretty good. And they eat the rats. Right.

None from sewers. So this is like, people that have pets.

Yeah. Like, in their bathtub. That's such a weird pet. Exotic.

There's a dude who lived that guy somewhere, I think there's a dude who lived in Harlem with the tiger. The tiger in his apartment?

Yeah.

What?

Yeah. Crazy.

There's a photo of it in the, like someone's, like, trying to climb up the fire escape. You see a tiger in the window?

Yeah.

That's the most.

That's amazing of all time.

That's crazy because someone's got to go in and deal with that thing in an apartment.

He's so angry.

Yeah.

He's trying to fuck that guy up in an apartment.

What about the neighbors? I mean, honestly, bro, that's got to be tough.

How bad does that apartment smell? For sure, because you're not going to stop that thing from pissing on the walls, right? He's going to mark wherever he wants.

Is that a snake next to the tiger?

This guy's into exotic coiled up.

Yeah, it's hard to tell. That looks like a turtle.

That's so unfair to the tiger.

I'm so rude to the tiger.

Living up in the Bronx. What? When are we going to move to Manhattan or know? It's like, I'm sick of being. We're nowhere near the action. There was a really good owl escaped from the Central park zoo, and they tried to capture him and then they couldn't, and then they said, he'll just be fine. It's living out there in Central park. He's eating rats and pigeons, and so he's like, helping everything. And then he just flew into a building and died. It was sad. I felt so bad for him. He's like, he finally got out. He was, like, looking for a mate. And then he just, like, at night because he's owls. They're night people. So it's just like, flew into somebody's building and killed know.

But I thought they fly good at night.

That's what I thought, I guess. Not half owl, half seagull or.

Birds get really confused by glass.

Oh, yeah, that was him. Flacco. Oh, man.

We're Flacco.

That's great.

Flacco probably thought he was going into an opening and he hit a window.

Sure.

Look at him.

But, yeah, he was like, know, catch and release, bail, reform.

You ever have that happen in your house? You just hear dunk and it's the sound of a knock on glass. And you look out, you see a bird just dead.

Oh, jeez. No.

I hear it sunk on my glass. I live in Brooklyn. It's just an angry teenager.

But that's like when you drive through Nebraska and all of a sudden weird shit starts hitting your. Like, what is that? Is that a grasshopper? What is, like, for the amount of bug and the amount of shit that comes out of them? You're like, wow, that didn't make sense. It's like a splatter.

Imagine driving through a locust storm.

Oh, that would be cool.

Oh, man, will they just flood the skies?

Oh, God's sake.

You know, locusts and grasshoppers are the same thing.

I didn't know that.

What?

Yeah, grasshoppers, like, turn into locusts. There's like a specific thing that can happen to them. I don't know if it's like a population thing, like caterpillars into a butterfly. No, because it doesn't always happen. Find out what turns grasshoppers into locusts. Holy shit. It's something really nutty. Wait, if you can eat this, look at this locust swarm. Check this out.

Well, whatever they are, they should use whatever bathroom they want.

Each swarm contain up to 200 million pests. How about living creatures, you fucking piece of shit? They're not pests.

That's a grasshopper.

But just Google what it is.

Can't you eat this?

I mean, grasshoppers, edible grasshopper and cricket. Can you eat locusts?

Yeah, for sure.

So what are we crying about?

You can eat most bugs.

Open your mouth.

You can eat a lot of bugs. Various species of short horned grasshoppers in the family. But, like, they have a swarming phase. So what causes them to swarm? Locusts and grasshoppers are the same in appearance, but locusts can exist in two different behavioral states, solitary and gregarious, whereas most grasshoppers do not. When the population density is low, locusts behave as individuals, much like grasshoppers. So it's a population thing.

I thought it was made.

Why do grasshoppers turn into locusts? The term locust is used for a grasshopper species that change morphology morphologically and behaviorally. On crowding, forming, swarms develop from bands of immature stages called hoppers. This change is described as density dependent phenotypic plasticity. Yeah.

Wow.

So it's density dependent. So it's like, it's something about the population that causes them to go fucking nutty. And so they look real different. Their color changes.

Oh, man, that one's tough on the top there. That's so cool with the knees back there. They got to make a drone or something like that. I mean, honestly, pretty wild. It is pretty nuts.

Super swarm of locusts in the Illinois, Indiana, Ohio area this year.

Wow. Really?

They bury themselves or they hibernate for like, 20 something years.

That's the cicada, I thought.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

Well, please. It's my big thing, the cicada brew.

Cicadas. They eat those, too.

Every 17 years or 13 years, the cicada return. I always love that when they come out and it's just like, they're annoying. They're everywhere, shedding their skin.

They're really loud, but they eat those, too.

Wow.

I know a lot of people online have videos about how to cook cicadas.

Ew.

That's all teriyaki sauce. And you bake them. Apparently. They're delicious.

It's protein, right?

Trillions. Trillions? Trillions. Since cicadas will emerge from Maryland to Oklahoma, Illinois to Alabama, clearly trillions of adult cicadas will be present, but not all in the same place at the same time. Yeah, well, I would hope not. Trillions of those fat bugs.

That's crazy.

Imagine the border.

I think they're cool. They sound cool, but they're out every year, right? In small numbers. Is that what the deal is?

Yeah. Are they the ones that make the noises at night?

Is that the deal? Like, they're out every year in small numbers and then every.

It's called a. Like, there's different sizes of them that, wow. Come out or emerge every year?

I guess this is what the World Economic Forum wants us to eat. You'll eat bugs and you'll be happy. But the thing is, you need to know that you can eat them.

You can eat them.

They're very edible. And my friend Ryan Callahan, he had, like, a recipe for cooking them. He talked about, take them, put them on a sheet, use teriyaki sauce. Like a teriyaki glaze. Cook them. Apparently they're delicious. I would stir fry it, but I.

Don'T know if I ate them.

And I ate grasshoppers in Mexico.

Really?

Was it crickets?

Might have been crickets.

Do they, like, deep fry them or.

How do they fry them somehow? Serum, something like that? I don't know. But they had a bowl of them in the room. I think it was crickets. And I was like, first of all, that's weird, because crickets are the only bug that I don't kill. Like, if I find a cricket, I catch them with my hand, and I bring them outside.

Really?

Yeah. If I find a spider, you're fucked.

Really?

Spiders just fucked. Yeah.

Wow.

I'll kill you.

Yeah, that looks pretty good once you cook it up.

They call it chapolinis. That's how you say it.

I would do that.

Dried and roasted grasshoppers, a pre hispanic mexican delicacy. They're small. Most are shorter than the length of an adult pinky and nutty in flavor. The cooking process can add additional flavors, such as lemon, garlic, and chili.

I thought it was Southeast Asia or something where they.

Maybe it's grasshoppers and I thought it was crickets. It looks like that. Either way, grasshoppers. I don't kill either.

What about, like, are you like an adventure food guy or. No.

Yeah, I'll try some different stuff.

You know the thing in the Philippines where it's like an egg, but it's like the fetus is already know. It's not like a rich.

Yeah.

Have you had that?

We used to serve that on fear factor, and my filipino friends are like, get the fuck out of here. Eat that. Like, what are they scared to eat?

That's terrifying looking.

What is it?

It's basically like a baby fertilized embryo. It's a duck. Is that what it is?

I have no idea what it is.

You eat the egg and the embryo is developed.

Yeah. See, there's, like, a thing in there.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

So people eat the whole thing. They eat the little baby, they eat the yolk, everything.

That, to me, is, like, too much.

It's rough.

Yeah, it's got to be.

You're getting beaks in there.

I'm such a baby with foods.

Yeah. I don't remember if I tried that. I don't think I.

That sounds like a really good treat for, like, a dog. Like, hey, look, there's an egg and a bird in there. Here you go, buddy.

I ate so many things on fear factor, I kind of forgot all the stuff I ate. I don't think I ate one of those.

Snake, of course, right?

No, I never ate snake.

Really?

Would you eat everything that they ate? I ate. It's fine.

I would do it if I thought someone really needed to know that you can do it, and then I'll do it for no reason. I'll do it for no reason. I can't even win. Just to show you that you could do it. Like, you do this. You just do it. Just decide you're going to do it and do it.

That's so paternal.

Well, it's just like coaching, and I'm trying to help these people. That's a weird moment. Being on TV, trying to eat a dick.

What's the. And can I get some fries with that? Fried pubes. I don't know, man. I think it was cool that in New York, there's always like the new restaurant, the new hot thing to eat and stuff like that. I'm never into that. I'm not a food guy. Like. Like, you're into everything, right?

I'll try anything, but I definitely, in my comforts that I go back to.

Yeah, man, it's just so hard. That's why Austin's so good. They got great food here pretty much from beginning, like the morning to date till night.

There's so many good food trucks. Yeah, there's a lot of great options, and there's a lot of cool shit to do here. It's not overwhelmed. It's like your perfect size.

And what's the. I was going to say we're doing the club, right? And that 6th street, has it settled down or is it still, like, popping the way it is? Pretty crazy.

It's a crazy. That end of it too, is kind of the craziest end.

Yeah, it is fucking wild.

We're in the heart of it.

When you're old and you walk down that street, it's a whole different experience. Nobody gets it. Like, when you're an old person with a mortgage and you're walking down the street, they just see all that. The only place, I think, almost as equal is San Diego. Like that street where the american comedy club is. Because it's just nothing but, like drunks, fights, just squad cars coming from every direction all the time for like 2 hours. Then it's like quiet again, but it's just like this amazing kind of like, almost like somebody said, rung a bell. It's like, be nuts.

Purge for a couple of hours.

A purge? Yeah, the purge.

It is a bunch of barefoot drunk women.

God, so crazy.

But yeah, that street, man, is very overwhelming.

But that's a good place for comedy, both in San Diego and here. Be around that chaos and then come inside. You're a little, like, more used to chaos, a little more used to some nuttiness.

Bring some pop.

You're out there waiting in line, and you just. Fucking crackheads everywhere. We have security out there to protect.

That's like your cellar now in the west Village. Like, these people line up to go see a comedy show, and then there's just people costing them for money and singing songs in their face, and then they come in like, what the fuck just happened?

Do you feel a noticeable change in the city with the immigrant thing?

Oh, it depends what part of the city you're in, but definitely around, like, the port authority, midtown, you'll definitely see more of that kind know activity.

And that's over. How much time?

I'd say the last six months, three months, something like that.

Where do you think this goes in six years?

Nowhere good.

Is it deli?

I really don't know, but there definitely is, like, a mood in that part of town, and it's everywhere, by the way. But that's where I see it the most, where I'm like, whoa, look at the bus station here. Like, just outside.

It's just there's never been more mango and candy being sold on the street.

I'm a fan of both. Mango shaved ICE.

It's so much easier to get.

Yeah, but can you imagine being, like, 19 and living in a terrible place, and you're just so poor, and you're like, wait, I get to go to a place where I get away with crimes with my boys. Let's go. If you're just, like a group of lost boys.

Let you right out of jail when you beat up a cop on TV.

Yeah.

We are such suckers. We're such suckers as a nation to let this happen. It's so dumb. It's the dumbest fucking thing. It's happening right in front of everybody's face. What do we do? What do we do? And none of our elected leaders are doing anything to stop it.

Yeah, but weren't they shipping them to, like, Martha's Vineyard and stuff?

Well, that was Texas. That's our guy. Our guy's awesome. Yeah, he ships them. He's like, okay, you guys want fuck. You don't want to deal with it. You want to let these people in. You want sanctuary cities? Good, we'll send them to the sanctuary city. So just start busting people to New York. Our guy is responsible for what's happening and a lot of what's happening in New York. That's how they got up there. But now the government's flying them places. They're flying them to different cities. You can ask where you want to go. They give you money, they give you a cell phone. And the thing that's really freaking people out, especially people in poor cities in this country, is like, where's that fucking help for us? You got these people housed in the Roosevelt. You give them three free meals a day, plus you give them money, and.

They can masturbate wherever they want. It's amazing.

That's true.

Anywhere they want.

And for a long time, it's happening a lot. For a long time, especially in New York, they would look at you guys down here and go, you. And then they finally got to experience it. And it's probably what we experience is probably just like one 10th of what you guys have to do being right on the border.

Well, we're not on the border, but I'm saying, like, Texas, if you're down, know, if you're way down there, border town. Yeah. If you're, know, Juarez, like, right outside of that's. You're real mean. It's coming over and it's affecting you.

Well, it's a little while because I don't see many kids, not many families coming over.

Well, here's the thing, though, for real. It's very dangerous to bring your kids through a fucking migrant stream that's walking into Mexico.

So are they allowed to work and then send money back?

There's definitely that. But also military aged men from other countries, including middle eastern countries, including China. It's like, that's real, too. And it doesn't mean that you're not compassionate for the people that are doing exactly what I would do. If I was living in Ecuador and I didn't have any money, there was no job opportunities, and I knew that I'd get into America and I'd get a job, and if I bust my ass, I can make it. And they would accept me and not only accept me, but help me and give me money. And you hear from your friends, bro, every time you go across the border, they give you $2,200. So there's guys on the radio in spanish speaking radio in San Diego telling guys how they went back and forth four times in a month.

Yeah.

And then they got eight grand in a month.

Jesus.

Yeah. So they're living nice just by crossing back and forth and just continuing to do it.

Well, did you read the story about the guy? I think he's from Venezuela.

I got to make a move.

He's telling people how to get over the border and then squat in houses and how you'll just get know. It's like they won't throw you out of their house. It's not like where we're from. You can just get in the house, and then you can stay there.

Queen.

Yeah, she got arrested. Locks on her own home.

That, to me, is crazy.

In New York, if you're in a house for 30 days, you legally become a tenant.

Yeah, that's right.

If you get mail sent to the place in your name. It's yours.

That is bananas.

That is too.

I love this story. I think it happened in like Seattle or Portland or something. This guy was at know March and rally and he was like big antifa and communism and he met someone there and the guy was like, hey, can I crash with you? And the guy was like, yeah, sure. So he brought him and his girlfriend and stayed on the couch. And after two weeks the guy wouldn't let the homeowner into his own house and he had to call the police.

Which is like against their religion. And they're like, we don't know what to tell you. Holy shit.

Isn't that the best?

Oh my God, that's hilarious. That's amazing.

I was talking to friends of mine. There's like over 1000 squatter situations in Atlanta. And they're like, well, it's only 1000. The population is this big.

It doesn't really matter.

I'm like, dude, ten people doing it is alarming.

That means they know how to do it. They know the loophole. And you need to tighten that loophole up.

You fucking people are so smart. They know how to jock the system 100%.

Especially criminals and fraudsters. We is the type of person who's got, I mean, you imagine they're filming them. This is my house. Yeah, they're filming. Yeah, I don't give a fuck, dude. This is where I live now. And they know that you have to pay them to get out and that's what a lot of homeowners do. But the problem is then another person is just going to jump in.

Well, and the eviction process is so long. And you have to hire a lawyer, you have to go to court.

It's all on the homeowner.

And good luck trying to sell the place because if you're not there in the house, they'll just squat.

But they always hold up like a dirty piece of paper. I have a lease and it's just like a happy face and a house behind it.

This guy was explaining how he did it. This guy was explaining how he did it in this YouTube video. He's saying that you get a fake lease. So you draft up a fake lease, you use that lease to get the power, and things turn in your name, you pay the bill. There's a bunch of different steps that you can do that just seems to indicate that you are the legal resident and then they have to take you to court and it could be months and months before you even get a trial.

Where do they stay? The homeowners? They're fucked in a migrant hotel.

It's so crazy that in the name of protecting tenants, which is important, you don't want a shitty landlord. You want to protect tenants. But in the name of protecting tenants, you're basically allowing people to steal people's houses for sure. And not just one. If Atlanta has a thousand, what is the number of people they're squatting currently, Jamie? In the United States? Try Google. Why don't you ask chat?

GPT it's not only that they're squatting.

Let's see what that bitch says.

You see how they abuse the house, too? They'll smear shit on the walls. They'll do all kinds of things. Lenny Dijkstra did. So I'm like, you really own his mansion business?

Well, Lenny Dykstra did it, and it was his mansion. Yeah.

And they were, like, evicting him, and he's like, all right, I'm going to take a shit on the floor.

Is that what it is?

Yeah.

And then didn't Gretzky buy the house?

He bought it from Gretzky, and then.

He shit all over it when they were taking away from him.

Fuck you.

Not cool.

That's a different story, though. He wasn't a squatter. He just went broke.

Yeah, that's like, when you go to a friend's house, you have a party, and, like, that last guy who has nowhere to go, he's like, hey, man, this is a different level, your honor.

The guys you can't get out of your parties are the worst. Yeah, that's the main reason why people don't want to have parties. The one guy who won't leave.

Yeah. Got to get up early, man. That's all right.

I can barely get people to leave my podcast studio, especially when they get.

A little drunk and they just don't get the hints.

Yeah.

You're like, you are drunk. You must leave.

Lights out.

What? What are you doing, man? Are you fucking.

Yeah.

Are you fucking tripping, bro?

Yeah, I was.

That guy. It's five in the morning.

Yeah.

I would just curl up on their welcome mat like a cat the next day.

That's what happened to that guy. He had the Kansas City chief party, and then the guys go outside. They're like, dude, can't we just hang a little bit longer? Maybe it'll warm up. He's like, no, you got to go. And then they all like popsicles outside.

Really?

Yeah. Wow. How many of them died?

It was, like, four of them, I think. Jesus. Yeah, like, they found the bodies, like, right outside, but it was really such.

A bad hang that you end up freezing.

Wasn't there some controversy to that story?

They don't know.

Yeah, the story seems fishy.

There's something with. It might have been drugs. It might have just been like they died somewhere else and he put them out there.

Well, I think there was some controversy with the guy who called it in. Like he didn't do it quick enough. I forget what it was. They were. People started getting suspicious.

They were very high, though. They were very know. They were drunk and they were just doing powder, I bet. Something like that.

Maybe oxies. Maybe that's why they just fell asleep outside. Okay, what does chat GBT say? As my last update in January 2022? I don't have access to most recent statistics on the number of people squatting in houses in the US. Squatting is often a complex and unreported issue. That's a government meaning inaccurate data can be challenging due to its illegal and authorized nature. You may need to consult recent studies, reports, or data from relevant. We're doing with you government agencies for the most. Well, this is chat GBD four, chat GBD five. It would be like, I know how to get them out.

Here's your plan.

I don't know the full thing in Atlanta, but the first article I pulled.

Up said 1200 homes.

I was institutional investors. I don't know how many of them are people buying houses and never living in them. And there's vacant houses everywhere. What, like Airbnbs type things? There's a bunch of know that kind of situations going on right now where a bunch of.

So they like, move into the Airbnb and they just stay.

It could be.

I know that there are definitely people doing that because this lady videotaped this woman who wouldn't leave her place. She's like, I'm not going nowhere, and.

You have to keep the light.

This bitch is in my fucking house.

And she beat the shit out of them. And then just know you'll be out the next day.

The problem is everyone's aware that this is an issue already by then. So now they've got their eye on you. And you can't really just say, this person is in my kitchen. They attack me. You'd have to fight to the death.

You have to keep the lights and the heat all that on as the homeowner, because if you shut it off, that's like a big red flag. You're not allowed to do that.

They might not even be allowed to be in the home.

I think a lot of this came in New York City from the till program. Well, in the 70s with all the houses and buildings just being completely abandoned and turned to shit. A lot of people were squatting.

That's right.

Because they were like, homeless. So they were like, all right, well, we have to figure this out so that we don't have all these people on the street, you know, Tom. And then where didn't change it.

Yeah, in the. Remember back, I guess that was like a Giuliani thing, actually, where they were like, we got these squatters in these buildings and we want them like, in order to repurpose the building, they had to get all these people that had already set up power and all kinds of stuff to the buildings. So the cops would go in and then you would just see like a rush of skinhead looking dudes come flying out through the park and they would like, rockers. It was crazy. Yeah. And it was just like, they were squatters. They were like street kids that were living in these buildings.

Where the fuck do they go?

But that's when some of the best music came out in New York City. They were all music. Squatting together.

Yeah, probably, right?

Yeah, totally agnostic front and bad brains and everything. They were all squatting.

Cromags makes you legit.

Yeah. Well, as a homeowner, that's one of my biggest fears, squatting. I'm on the road, I come back.

Hello, David, if it's New York, some lady just, they think this lady got murdered because she went into a house that was her house to clean it up. And there were squatters lived in there. And then they fucking killed her and put her in a bag. Yep.

Jesus, the cutting them up, that's the thing.

And then the problem is like, good luck catching to. There's no paperwork on these people. They're just wandering around the city. Squatters suspected of killing woman in New York City apartment stuffing her body into duffel bag. Yeah. Victims found squatter in mother's vacant sources Vitels was killed after she traveled to New York City from Spain to get the apartment ready to be occupied by a family friend. It had been vacant for months after the death of her mother. Police sources say Vitels didn't know when she went to the apartment. The two squatters had been living there when she arrived. She could be seen on surveillance video coming and going from the apartment. Police believe the two squatters returned to the apartment after Vitel's arrived, surprised and killed her by beating her to death.

How do these squatters, are they on zillow? Like, what the fuck are they doing?

From someone. Someone figures out that there's an apartment that's empty. Jesus.

Oh, my God. Wow. What a.

Suspects. Two suspects went to used car dealers after the crash looking to buy a car. They remain at large.

Jesus.

So they beat her to death and they're at large? Video stealing her Lexus from the street and fleeing the car police sources said was later involved in an accident in Pennsylvania.

Well, they'll get them when they have to charge. When they charge the.

A. They don't make electric cars.

Oh, sorry.

Lexus is japanese. It's Toyota. Toyota believes in hybrids.

Oh.

Toyota has a different strategy for EVs.

Can you imagine being a vicious murderer and getting away in a Prius?

Yeah, that's the car you want to take. People wouldn't. Unless you have too many stickers on the back.

It's just a bunch of coexist stickers.

You're probably violent. You're probably really aggressive about your insistence that everyone coexist.

Wow.

Did you guys see that video that Edward Snowden posted that shows Israel bombing these kids?

No.

They're just walking in Gaza where it's horrible, dude. It's horrible because they're clearly not armed.

Snowden.

They're just walking the.

Snowden.

Yeah. Edward Snowden put it on his Twitter. And these young men are just walking down the street.

He's still in Russia, right?

Yeah, he has to hide in Russia. So these guys are just walking down the street and clearly not armed. This is like, after the bombings and everything. These people are probably going back to see if their house is there. Who knows what the fuck they're doing, right?

What if they thought they were squatters?

Look how quick it happens. So that guy in the front is running away. He's like, oh, shit, I got to get the fuck out of here. And so they zoom in on him.

Stop running. They got him, too.

Oh, yeah, bro. The way they do it, I mean, there's nothing left to you. They're literally targeting you with a missile. You just disappear. Look at that.

Is it a missile or is it a missile? Drone.

Well, it's a missile coming from a drone, probably. I mean, it might be coming from somewhere else. I believe it's a drone, though. Isn't that what the contention is?

Wow.

Yeah. So they have drones that can do this, which is so insane, dude. And they're not showing you the bodies because it's just a bloody.

Well, you know what's so creepy? Have you seen those drone videos in Ukraine and Russia? And it's really good quality. And then they drop the little bomb on the guys and then they put like russian techno music over it. It's so creepy.

It's so creepy.

You just see guys hanging out and.

Then they just explode.

Well, that's what they say now is that they can see everything at all times. So it's really hard to use tactics where we'll sneak up on them and then we'll go this way. They can't do that anymore. Those kind of tactics are old now.

What do you do everywhere? Satellites are everywhere. Satellite drones are everywhere. They have silent drones.

If you see a drone coming, are you just like, why accept death?

These guys think this tarp will help them put a tarp up.

What's that you got?

Got. Just trying to zoom ahead here.

Oh, so he'd already been shot. Here it is. Oh, my God.

Dude, it's pretty amazing how they figured that out.

Way to go. Just drop a bomb from a fucking drone and cook everybody.

You should be able to hear it, right, if it's a civilian drone, because they make that loud, like, that buzz and then it's like, can you shoot it down 100ft? Yeah, they have a shoot down. They also have that, like, EMT blast on it where they can basically take control of the or stop the signal and it'll just land.

It's like a perk in Call of duty.

Yeah, but I'm sure they probably have ones that avoid that stuff now. I think they just keep getting these things better. How silent are the drones now? Oh, did you hear about the drones that were hovering over the base that they think are from China and they had been hovering over there for weeks?

I didn't read that one, but, yeah.

I heard they updated the balloons.

What base was that again? Jim?

I'll find it. I've got the story. Somebody sent it to me. I saved it. But it's a scary story because it says for weeks.

Man, I hate to jinx it, but it's just like these things you can just buy and that. The fact that luckily no people in this country have used it the way they're using it, we're really lucky. I mean, honestly, think about all the situations.

Are we lucky or is it just a matter of time?

Well, evidently whatever they're doing is like, just think of like, new Year's Eve, all those different gatherings, a game. It could be even, like, a high school.

Stop giving the enemy fuck.

I'm trying to connect to our. What's it called? Your first responder fan base. Your contractors and whatnot. But I'm sure that's a big. Keeps them up at night thinking about that stuff.

Dude, that fucking video is horrible. All those videos are horrible. The video, those guys in Gaza is horrible.

We go back to sharks.

How about the. Well, I was going to say the Ukrainians have those drones now that take out the ships, the sea babies, they call them.

Look at that. Which is just mysterious. Drones swarmed Langley Air force base for weeks. For weeks. The unidentified drones were such an issue that assets were called in from around the government, including NASA. Wdwb 57 high altitude jet.

Wow.

So what does it say these things looked like?

Yeah, a dragon.

The chinese dragon drone. That would be a dope way for China to show. To really flex, make a drone that looks like a dragon. Does it say what the description of these things were?

That's the F 35.

That's what I think a lot of this alien shit is.

Yeah, that's what they're saying now, too.

A lot of it, I think, is drone technology that they won't admit to.

We don't know that it's out there.

Yeah. To protect operational security, we do not discuss impacts to operations. The statement said. We don't discuss our specific force protection measures, but retain the right to protect the installation. Langley continues to monitor our airspace and work with local law enforcement and other federal agencies to ensure the safety of base personnel, facilities and assets. Does it say here that a UAS uncrewed aerial system.

The number of UAS has fluctuated and they ranged in size and configuration. None of the incursions appear to be.

Exhibit hostile intent, but anything flying in our restricted airspace can pose a threat to flight safety. Interesting.

Uncrewed aerial system.

It could also test the reaction time.

It's like a drone.

Yeah, it must be a drone because that means they're not saying it's a UAP. Those are all drones. What is the most sophisticated drone currently available? Google. Most sophisticated nuclear or most sophisticated military.

Drone that we know of?

Yeah, just Google that term. Most sophisticated military drone.

A picture of Obama popped up.

They have the ones that are like little fighters now. They're like, able to do turns that no human could take.

Do they have little ones that buz and have like, machine guns on them?

Look at this one.

Well, that one's. Yeah, that's a spy. That's cool. That can fly for days.

Okay, so here we got desalt neuron.

That is cool.

Look at these fucking things with the.

Propeller in the back.

Wow. They must be loud as shit, though.

No, they have a power plant in them.

Well, I guess.

I mean, it's an engine, I guess.

Yeah.

Rolls Royce engine. Shout out to Rolls.

Turbocharged. That'd be loud, right?

A turbocharged, turbocharged piston engine. Yeah, that'd be loud. 450 hp. That's pretty fast for that little thing.

It is cool.

Yeah.

You'd see the ones with Ukraine with the boats, whether, like, taking out the russian navy. That is pretty cool how they did that.

Whoa, look at that thing.

That's huge.

Holy shit. I know. They were that big.

Look at that.

Wow. That's a crazy flying ramjet. That can murder you. How nutty is that?

That's one of those things where it just flies over every phone call, like, immediately saps it up.

But which one of these have missiles? So some of these must be just spies.

That one does. Those are the hellfires, I think.

Then you have to make it so it can have missiles. I think they can probably do that to almost any of them.

Look at the little one, though, guys, has in his hand. Can I play, too? I'm just annoying.

I guess they wouldn't make one that couldn't shoot a missile.

The little one just collects gossip. Guess he's fucking.

Look at that. The missiles just sit. Go back to that picture you just showed. The one you just showed with the missiles in the bottom of it.

Yeah, that's the classic.

That's pretty wild. Goddamn awesome. So it's got two missiles. And what are those two things beside the missiles?

Bombs, rocket missiles.

Just different kinds.

Wow.

These can probably go really far. They might be guns, might be defensive.

Maybe right to shut, like, flares and shit. Because they do that when someone's shooting a missile at them. They'll shoot off a flare to detract the heat seeking missile.

And then these are just the ones we know about because there's got to be some shit.

Oh, yeah, for sure. Again, that's what I think a lot of that stuff is that people are reporting.

Do you think?

Yeah, that's what I think. I think a lot of these things that people are seeing that they think are a UFO is just some super sophisticated propulsion system.

Some of them are really creepy, though, like the way they hover around or fly around, like the one they showed, like, one or two from in the Middle east. Just like it did look like it was either a UFO or a monster or some kind of. Like this one that looks like a jellyfish, but it's flying around. It's got, like, stuff hanging off of it. Like, what is.

Know that one's very weird because that one goes in the ocean, too.

That one's scary.

It goes into the ocean and then comes back.

I told you last time I looked something up like this. This thing came out.

That is so cool.

It says it's a drone and it goes underwater.

And it goes underwater. But I couldn't find anywhere that this thing was being sold. It had like a Kickstarter type program.

Oh, neat.

Like ten years ago.

But here's the problem with this. Even, like, pretending that that's real, what's the propulsion system?

It may have not ever been real.

And people were. No, I don't think it's real. I think it's a basketball. I really do. Look at how the bottom where it's screwed down. I think that's like a volleyball or a basketball or something. I think that's totally fake because there's no method of propulsion. Like, you can't just have a basketball that flies. Liquid gravity engine. Shut the fuck.

It says sphere shape. No outside propellers or moving parts. But then it doesn't say how it flies.

Look at the golf ball. There's no video of it. Exactly. They use a golf ball as one of them. Shut the fuck up. That thing's fake as fuck.

It's got one.

You have to have an exhaust. Every fucking propulsion system that we know of right now has to have either a fan, like, you got to have a propeller, or you have to have an engine that shoots stuff out the back and makes you go forward.

That's it.

So these things that people keep seeing that don't operate like that, that's what makes me think the government has something that doesn't need a traditional combustion engine for a propulsion system.

They're not going to have it on Google.

Yeah, they're not going to tell you. They're not going to tell you shit. Yeah, they don't have to tell you shit. I wouldn't tell the whole world what we could do the fuck out of here. Make it better every year to the point where it's basically a UFO. And if you just think about the unlimited amount of money that they've had, and they've been designing military vehicles and jet engines and fucking. They've been doing that for decades. All that time, making one thing that no one knows about better and better and better and better. Flying it around area 51. I bet there's a lot of those that people are seeing that they're like, oh, my God, they were real.

Aliens are real. But it's just us testing.

And also, I think aliens are real?

I do, too.

Yeah.

In what way?

I'm hoping they are. I really am hoping they are real. I really do.

Change too quick.

No, I didn't ever say I didn't believe it. I think the things he was just talking about, I'm like, some of them are secret projects. Some of them are aliens. That's what I'm hoping. That there is definitely another presence here, like, in this world or whatever it is.

Yeah.

And that there has to be something to explain a lot of these sightings which are not explainable.

It's real likely that both things are true because it just doesn't make any sense. With the universe as big as it is, that there's no one else out there. And if they do develop the ability to go way past where we are, they should be able to be invisible. That should be easy. They should be able to come here anytime they want. That should be easy. If you look at a species like ours that's this intelligent as the human species, if we got 1 million years more advanced, 1 million years more advanced, who the fuck knows what we can do? We're going to be weird in five years from now. Five years from now with AI, things are going to be off the charts weird. So imagine that just keeps going for a million years, which is really possible. I mean, crocodiles have been around for fucking 65 million years or whatever. Yeah, it's totally possible.

Well, do you remember that cab driver in Vegas that told us this guy's very UFO.

A lot of UFO stories. This guy, he told it.

What was the portal? One of the casinos was a portal for aliens.

It's got to be certain.

He said there's a secret railway under, like, the MGM grand, and that's where aliens are coming from. Area 51. It's like, I'd never even heard of this theory. And he was like, no, it's true. Yeah, and, yeah, he had a lot of.

There's no way 250 humans at one time would want to go to a casino.

Yeah, that was his joke at the end.

Joking.

I don't know if he was driving us or driving away from his ex wife. We were driving for a long time.

If I was going to be an alien, I want to abduct some people, though. I think Vegas would be a good spot.

No one would miss them. Yeah.

Not only that, they'd be so confused. Like, I don't know what. I think someone spiked my drink. All of a sudden, I was on an alien spaceship in Vegas.

Everything goes. There's always, like, a new thing to do. So that would definitely become the.

Or imagine if there was an abduction program. Like, you could actually get abducted instead of abducting us and just ruining people's lives. What if we made a deal with the UFO? Say, listen, you guys got it all wrong. We're willing to get abducted. You can take us on board and do experiments on people. We don't care. We're totally willing to be your guinea pig.

Oh, influencers would try to do that.

Live streaming while you're getting your anal probe.

It's worth it.

Yeah. If they really wanted to come and abduct us, we would be more than willing to let them. You don't really have to force us.

What if the aliens is technology in terms of how advanced it's gotten in such a short period of time, and then the people using it are just basically drones that are using this exposed technology?

Well, it's possible that that's the future of life. The future of life is we integrate with technology, and that's the only way, because the biological evolutionary process is really slow. But the technological evolutionary process is really fast. Like, crazy fast. Like, you can have a whole new thing in a year, whereas a whole new species, like, God, how does it even happen? How does it even happen? And then when species are hybrids, they're not viable. So some of them aren't. Some of them aren't. And it's like, what? How long does it take to make a human out of a monkey? How long does it take to make a monkey out of an amoeba? Too long. They don't have that time. Too long. That's too long. If you can integrate with technology, then you have an insane ability to adapt. And then probably you just stop being a person. Probably will realize that.

I think that's already out there. People stop being people.

Well, you can't.

We have a little bit. Right? Yeah.

You know, the whole. Send people to, like, I was looking at how long it takes to get anywhere. Like, it takes about six days, three days to get to the moon, which is doable. That's why the moon is the way to go. Mars is like nine months to a year. But then the other planets, let's say we're like, whatever. At our current ability to travel, like Jupiter, 25 years, and there's really nothing there except for that I o moon, whatever that is. I hope I'm not saying it wrong, but the fact that we're not built for outer space, and yet we keep craving this whole thing. When you're right, it should be some kind of techno hybrid of a human, something that would be able to do that.

Yeah. And it'll probably, if you become a machine instead of a person, you don't have to worry about being crushed by gravity because you'll have a carbon fiber hull and all your orgasms will happen from an app, and then you'll be.

Radiation, all that stuff. That is because space is a killer. It's like you have not built for.

Carbon thing and you're taking 25 years to get to Jupiter. Will the technology exist to make you not be bored? Like, what are you going to do for 25 years?

They should put.

You're going to be playing video games the entire flight. It's going to be amazing. You've been preparing this for years of video games that go by on your trip to Mars.

It'll be so quick.

Just have a local area network set up and you and the other astronauts just fucking geeking out all day. Oh, shit. They're coming for you. Guard your flank. Guard your flank.

You fucking.

Just drinking mountain Dew, smiling. If you knew that you didn't have any responsibilities other than playing video games, you know, quick six months could go by.

That sounds like hell.

All the games. All the games.

I mean, don't you want to get up and move around?

Maybe not. Maybe if you just put that fucking Mark Zuckerberg headset on, you can pretend you're moving around.

Is there a dick sucking robot that could definitely. Okay, I'm in.

That's probably already here. Probably. They already have that in China. They're probably testing it out right now.

What is it called again? The sex offend bot or something.

Which?

Sex doll. But it's whatever you have to. I don't know.

Those are coming. Those are coming. Have you seen that robot that cooks and sets up your kitchen for you? The robot puts plates away and shit.

They already called a wife.

You sort of a bitch. Yeah. There's a new AI powered chat GPT robot that does simple tasks around the kitchen, but it communicates with you like a person even says, it's very weird. Oh.

Like, it's, um.

So the reason why I did that is I'm putting these plates away in this rack and you'll dump garbage on the table and say, please clean that up. Surely. Look at this. Why you did what you just did.

While you pick up this trash.

On it.

So I gave you the apple because it's the only edible item I could.

Provide you with from the table.

So weird. Oh, look at that.

What?

Yeah, great. It stands too based on the scene right now, where do you think the dishes in front of you go next? So it's analyzing the image. It's slow right now.

Table like that. Plate and cup are likely to go into the drying rack next. Why does it sound like it's narrating this american life?

It's got a raspy voice.

Yeah, it's like a. Dude, it is weird.

That really looks like a puppet. It doesn't look like a robot?

No, man. It does a lot of other things.

That's amazing. Look at that. Is truly amazing.

Addition to the drying rack.

Does it apologize if it makes a mistake?

If it breaks your dick, yeah, rips it right off.

I'm sorry.

I applied too much force.

My bad.

Will that eventually have, like, a skin covering or will it look like that?

100% pretty?

Well, the apple found its new owner.

The trash is gone, and the tableware is right where it belongs.

I call bullshit. You don't see that guy's face every time he talks. That guy is a ventriloquist. That man is speaking for the. Oh, George. George does not compute.

What a cheap act, too. Hey, buddy, how about you get behind the table with him? Yeah.

Drink a glass of water.

Fucking fraud. Show it dynamic walking. The dynamic walking one is wild. So this thing, by the way, it doesn't have to have that giant. Not as amazing over its chest, but it does if it doesn't want you to kill it.

It looks bulletproof.

You have to shoot it in the lens. But look at it walk around and move.

Amazing. That's amazing.

And this is. Think about, like, a model T, and then think about a Tesla. Okay? A model T is this slow, chunky. Look at him. Look at his hips move. Sexy.

That's crazy.

Isn't that wild? But think about a model T, right? Model T's like big, stupid wooden wheels.

I've seen this. This is really nuts. Look at that.

Yeah, that's amazing. Years ago that it could do this.

The new American.

Look how agile it is. This is Boston Dynamics, more updated a year ago. And so they can do all kinds of things. They can fucking saw wood. They can do construction. They can hop up on boxes. Look at this.

This is before AI, right?

Well, they had AI, but they didn't have AI available to everybody.

Because now, in the future, you'd look at something like this and go like, this is probably not really happening. This is just.

AI is.

This is real. I've seen.

This is real. Look at the jumps.

They programmed it to hop around. Gay.

That is amazing.

They programmed it to toss the stuff up to him. This is so much better than a lazy dock worker. Some guy doesn't like his job and needs a cigarette. Break this.

Look at that.

Ready to go. And if they figure out how to make. Wow. Yo. It does acrobatics.

It's a gymnast.

And if they figure out a way to make very small nuclear powered engines, which I think they're already there. Is it China that has a small nuclear powered power plant?

Yes.

So they'll be able to make a nuclear powered power plant that's the size of a fucking cell phone and stuff it in that thing. It'll be able to go for 90 years.

Holy shit. Like a battery? Like a nuclear battery. They already have that where they use it to power. Like they used to do it for spacecraft. But you're right then it would be endless.

Nuclear battery produces power for 50 years without needing to charge.

That's crazy.

Beta Volt says its battery could power mobile phones that never need to be charged and drones that can fly forever. Forever.

Would you really want a nuclear powered phone though? That's the one thing.

Fuck yeah.

You would.

Yeah.

Balls to glow. I don't know about that.

I'm willing to wear like an external case to put the phone in. It's like some sort of a shield from the. I'm sure the government wouldn't allow these companies to sell it if it was dangerous. So just. No, let's just let it get out there and let's just see what happens. Fall where they may.

True.

Don't be a pussy. Don't. You want a robot?

I like the robot thing, though.

Want a robot? We're going to get robot fuck dolls for shizzy.

People are so anti robot already. They had the. What was that in San Francisco? The self driving taxi. They lit it on fire. It was like basically the amish people. They attacked it, they destroyed it.

Yeah, but they do that to regular. Again, this is a sampling bias. You got homeless, crazy fentanyl zombies that are just trying to smash everything. People leave their fucking windows rolled down and their keys. In Canada, they're telling them to leave their keys outside their foyer. They're telling them to leave your keys like near the door so that people don't have to roam through your house. They're trying to steal your car? Yes.

Really?

Home invasion.

Jesus. They said, listen, to make it easier, just leave the keys outside. Like what?

How about the new low?

Stop people from stealing my fucking car. What am I paying in taxes for you fuck heads?

It's like clean needle centers. Or, like, if you're going to do the drugs, just do it in the house.

But clean needle centers are a lot more reasonable. I like that kind of versus plans to allow police robots to kill soon. But this is how bad San Francisco's got that this was a suggestion. And they actually have a robot. They're like, not yet, not yet. Let's wait till things go really sideways.

Are they working on technology for us to read thoughts?

Oh, yeah.

What about learning what our cats are thinking?

I want slow down on the cats.

Your cats are thinking, I wish you were small so I could eat you. Nah, not my cat.

My cat's gone. I love you.

When you die, they eat you almost immediately.

Good.

I want to be one with my cat.

Let's take a piss break because I got a piss, too. Yeah, let's pause this bitch right here. What the fuck are you doing, Dave? You're living in 1995.

You know, he sends me emails with no body and everything's in the subject.

How long is the subject?

It's so long, I forget the. It's a return. So it's all up there? Yeah, it's the best. Listen, how about the great sound when I'm doing it?

Like Morse code. How long does this take for you to accomplish this?

I'm done.

So you don't have an iPhone at all anymore?

I have one too, but this is me off the grid. Yeah, this is my. When shit happens right here, I'm ready to go.

So what do you use that one for? Like, who do you text on that?

No, this one's just, like, for all my texting. The other one's for emails.

Wait a minute.

This is not on one.

You text on that?

Yeah.

So when I text you, you text me on that?

I do. Can't you feel it?

That's why there's, like, ten spaces in between words.

I'm sending you a text right now. I want to see what happens. That is so insane.

This is good.

Oh, my God. Yeah, it comes up green.

Just wait for the sound.

Dave, are you texting or are you calling?

I'm texting you. Tell me about your upcoming weekend at the mothership.

Might take a while now.

It doesn't have voice to text either, does it?

No, he doesn't.

If it did, I wouldn't do that anyhow.

Really?

I'm like super paranoid with the web and everything. So this is like.

But yet you have an iPhone.

I do. But that's what you call it. Bait and switch. Okay, let's see if I get it.

Did you get it yet?

I did. No. Okay.

I didn't get to make the sound.

Your name isn't.

They always make sounds. Every time you text a button, it makes a sound. That doesn't drive you.

It really annoys people, too.

Yeah. Coming in four presses to get an S. Still. You're doing that thing.

Yeah. You got to really want it.

That is so nice.

I can't even find your thing yet. It'll take me days.

Do you remember when people started using you, like, the letter u instead of.

Y ou because of that time saver.

Just a little time saver.

It doesn't even have emojis on it. Like, any emoji is, like, now uses.

Emoticons, like a colon and a parentheses. I use her sometimes, too, for a smiley face.

Well, are you guys done with this tech beat down? It's like, I'm a tech hoarder. Come out of the house, buddy. Come on. We love you.

How long have you been flip phone?

I have one in my house, which I'm sure is worth a lot of money because it has the antenna on it. That's, like my retirement plan. I'm going to sell that to a museum or some collector or something like that, but it's got that little, like. And I'm like, man, I can't believe we actually used to think this did something like, yeah, I can't really hear you. Hold on, hold on. Now it's up. I can hear you too clear. Let me put it down just a little bit.

I think it probably did a little something.

Yeah, but you had one of these. Actually, that reminds me of a story about you, Bill Blumenwright. You know what he said to me? He goes, you know, back in the day, one of the comics who always worked was Joe. And you know why? I go, why? He goes, he had a cell phone before anybody else, so whenever there was a fallout, I would call Joe. Joe was there. Joe wanted it. And I was like, wow. So it was like a cool story about just as we went from calling someone on a landline to a cell phone and that you were ahead of the game.

This is, like, 89 easily. I went in my car. No way.

Yeah. And that's how it was for the young comics. Having a car was a good thing. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, my God. You needed a car to get around. If you didn't have a car, you're not getting to gigs. You had to have someone drive you to gigs.

Yeah, that didn't happen because I could.

Get a call from bloom. Right? Like, hey, someone just got sick.

That was it. Yeah. That's what you're saying.

In 2 hours, there's a gig in New Hampshire. Can you make it? I'm on my way.

That's awesome.

Yeah. Because you wanted it.

Yeah. And he would tell me over the phone, okay, you going to take the 405 north? You have to write it down. So I had these pieces of paper that were like, dick's chuckle. Fuck and whatever the place was, because Dick Darty had a bunch of them. Dick Darty had, like, the comedy hut and all these different comedies. The comedy vault.

That's awesome.

That Boston scene must have been like, know, talk about, you know, starting out. I always felt like there was definitely more rooms, like more open mics and stuff. Like you kind of, like, there were. They were paying gigs, if you could do know if you could headline. And there were so many local great headliners that you really like swimming with sharks, basically. I mean, it was like so many guys that could just blow you off the stage at any know.

And they would do it to people on purpose.

They did it to me.

I know that really they do it.

They would just come like the hooky Lau or something like that. You don't mind if I do a little time? And there was like 40 minutes of solid every Boston thing they could throw at me. And then I'm up there with my little people jokes to be polite. Hey, you guys. Leprechauns. Nothing. Go home screaming at you.

They did it on purpose to people.

Oh, for sure. And we deserved it, too, by the way.

Well, they had an attitude about the rest of the world when it came to comedy. They felt like the best comics were in Boston, but they all stayed in Boston. And whenever guys would come out from out of town that were like, headliners, like national headliners, they would roast that guy.

Oh, for sure.

They would throw him after Don Gavin and Steve Sweeney and Kevin Knox and fuck.

It was such a wake up. But even the crowds themselves. You better prove it to be up there. If you're the closer, you better be the best guy here.

Also, there was so many fucking headliners that they were just so used to a very high level of headliner. These guys were killers. You just pull out a comb to do your fucking mustache?

Yes.

I was hoping you were making eye contact with Dave.

You just wanted to make sure everything's in line. How often do you comb your mustache?

A fair amount. Whenever I feel the need.

Do you have a specific mustache comb or just use any old.

I just get one from Walgreens or whatever.

I've seen them little tiny ones. They have little tiny.

I don't like them. The teeth are too sharp and it hurts my little face.

That makes sense. You get a nice soft plastic.

Yeah, yeah.

Old school.

You got to. Sometimes shit gets in know. Trimmed it up today. Don't any loose it.

I get it. Before I was bald, I used to enjoy running a comb through my head. It's a nice little scalp massage.

Now I'm afraid my hair will fall out so I can't do it.

Looking at the demise.

I know I started going bald when I was like 18. Really crazy. Yeah.

What was that like? Lonely.

There's a kid in my high school that was going bald at 15 and everybody called him baldy. Oh God, that was his nickname, Baldy.

That's horrific.

Kids were brutal back. They were, they were fucking brutal in the 80s.

They were brutal. Brutal in the.

They're brutal right now.

Yeah, they're beyond brutal. I think now this is just heartless what they're doing. Yeah, I don't know, but we didn't have that web to everything.

You punctuate everything and then also get the clicks. Every time someone's getting their ass kicked, someone's filming it.

Thank God that didn't exist.

My God, imagine how many dick pics you'd have out there in the world.

Be in trouble.

Yeah, these kids today. Yeah, these kids today.

Teachers and students.

Yeah. That's wild. Teachers always fuck students. There was always like, teachers fucking students.

Yeah, but we didn't find out about it till later. Like, did you hear so and so used to fuck Mr. Blah blah?

There's always the very advanced senior who was banging the spanish teacher.

Rolling his R's.

It is funny. That's like, professors in universities that was kind of understood. That was part of the gig.

That was, yeah, I used to be.

A teacher and they're like, never ever be in a room with the door shut. You leave the door open all the time and you're never alone with anyone. I was like, yeah, this is fucking nuts. And I see some of the shit with what teachers share on the Internet with them and like, students. I'm like, this is such a violation of boundaries, it's crazy.

The homeschooling seems way better now.

Those teachers fuck their kids too.

Seems like a better option for everything.

Oh, shit.

It's always like, hey, home school, you must be weird now. It's like, I guess you're just being safe.

Yeah, you don't want your kid indoctrinated either.

What do you think of college now? Do you think it's a waste of time? Yes.

Well, it clearly depends on what you want to do. If you want to be a computer coder, good fucking luck. AI is going to take over all that. There's so many jobs that are going to vanish.

That's true.

Five years. But it's also like, it's such a rude, cruel thing to do to an 18 year old kid that has no fucking idea what they want to do for their life. Yes, and you force them into debt.

Decide now.

And you force them into a debt that's insanely difficult to get out of. It's way harder than just getting going bankrupt. It's hard to get out of that debt.

I got in trouble when I was teaching because I told all my students, I'm like, take the test to go to school, but pick up a trade. Go to trade school and start making money. That's like the smart thing to do.

Well, if that's what you want to do, but it depends on what you're trying to do with your life. Somebody wants to be a journalist, probably go to school.

Yeah, but if you don't know what you want to do, what should you do? I guess that's what it is.

Go out and get a job and know you can always go to college later.

Yeah, but you won't when you're working.

Peer pressure, also your family's pressure.

When you're young, you have that window where you can kind of take wild chances from like 18 to 24, 25. Then once you're like, 25, everybody's like, hey, get your fucking shit together. Maybe even earlier than that if you're in the northeast. But if you're already in a job and you're working 8 hours a day, you're fucking tired. The ods that you're going to quit that and stop making money and go to school, those aren't so high.

I think it's harder on not to be the old guy, but this generation is taught that they're exceptional and that everything they do is important. Whereas I think when I was growing up, it was like, no, nothing you do is really that important and that you're also going to have to kind of work your way up in something. I think a lot of them see their peers, like, they went to college, they dropped out, they started a company, or they're an influencer with a million followers. So they see success differently than we do. And for me, it was like, yeah, you got to kind of work your way up, or it's really about how much you want it, that kind of thing. Whereas now I feel like there really is no game plan. You're almost like a sucker if you kind of play the game.

Also, fame is much more attainable to regular people now than ever before. Yeah, especially if you're willing to do stupid things like pull pranks on people. Or there's so many different things that people can do now that can get them attention, and they're doing that as a source of a career.

Yeah, but as a teacher, how can you make your kids do work when they're like, no, I'm just going to be a youTuber. I have more followers than you. Shut up.

But the whole idea of fame is like when I was growing up, it's like, you don't want to be famous. That's like, for whatever. That's not cool. You want to be something, like, rough. You want to be like a lumberjack or something. Now, these kids, even at young ages, fame is where it's at. That's where you get everything you want. People actually listen to you and they give you everything you want. So it's, like, amazing. They've never worked a day in their life, yet they already know they don't want to work.

Dude, I saw the creepiest thing. My friend's daughter took her phone and recorded her five years old and into the camera. She just kept going, don't forget to like and subscribe. Don't forget to like and subscribe.

That's weird.

Watch my videos. Don't forget to like. And I was like, dude, that's an alien. That kid is being trained to be.

An alien, not the kid's choice. And you're exposing the kid to the world, the whole world. It's dangerous, it's not smart, it's stupid, it's irresponsible.

Yeah, well, just like that video we watch with the drone, psychically, we're not supposed to see that.

Well, you're definitely not supposed to see people get blown to.

Well, yeah, but even just now, yes, these things happen. But we shouldn't be aware of it and inundated with it every single day and every single second.

Right, but that's the only way you find out about it, to put pressure on people to stop it. Because if it doesn't leak, like, Edward Snowden doesn't put it out there, and a bunch of people don't retweet it and get outraged by it, then it doesn't put pressure on the politicians but.

Is that going to stop it? Are they going to.

Yeah. Stuff like that can change things. Stuff like that changes people's minds. Stuff like that changes people's understanding of what's actually going on because you keep hearing, oh, no, it's the people that are dying. It's only Hamas uses human shields. Well, clearly that was not a human shield, and clearly those people weren't endangering anybody, and they didn't look like they were armed, and they just blew them apart.

Do you think the people making money off of this, do you think they really even care? They're going to keep going.

They're going to care because the people are going to care because there's massive public outrage from things like this. And the more things like this happen, the less support you get for military budgets, and then you put pressure on the politicians that are voting for these things, and then all that stuff works. It really does have an impact because they don't want people to be so outraged that they revolt. They don't want people to pull a bud light on the whole government because people are trying to figure out a way to do that. There's a lot of people that are trying to figure out a way to put a stop to all this shit. So the more things like this come up, it's fuel for those people.

Yeah, but the majority of people don't digest news like we do in an endless cycle and have time to really kind of think about it, because I think that a lot of people I know of, they're really smart people, they just turn the news off. They rather live in their own bubble, that the news really makes them anxious and really makes them. And I'm like, well, you got to know what's going on in the world, right? And then they kind of hit you with that whole thing of, like, they're telling you different. Everyone has a narrative and all that kind of story. But I'm also like, living in your own world is not the way to go either, because when you do have to venture out of that bubble, it's terrifying, I think.

Especially if you don't know what's going on. Right. There's some new thing that's happening, some new crisis. You don't know, and you just walk right into it.

Yeah, I'm curious. I'd like to see all sides of something, but not to make it political or anything. I think a lot of these people just decide to like, you know what? It's not for me. I'd rather kind of work on my own some of its mental health. A lot of this stuff really shakes people to the core when they finally have to deal with it. That's the reason why board games are still around, because people love the idea you can disconnect from the world, and you're in your own little world where you get to be God, and here's the rules of it and stuff like that. So there's something to that. Puzzles. That's why, hello, you guys don't believe to me.

Chill for Milton Bradley. Sorry.

For sure. People like puzzles.

No, people want to disconnect. That's like, we're in that business. People want to get away from their problems, and I think people deserve to 100%.

But also, if you're poor and you're barely making ends meet, you don't have time to worry about what's going on over here. Sure, you can be informed, but it's so hard to be informed and not let it take a toll on you.

Well, that's why the great luxury is the people that got. Please don't do that.

No, I wanted to see if your message came.

Text somebody with that fucking goofy thing. The great luxury of rich, privileged kids is becoming an activist. Yeah, that's right. Those are the ones that are splashing paint on the Mona Lisa and gluing themselves to walls. Those are all kids from privileged backgrounds who feel guilty and they have this insane view that you're just going to stop oil now. And the way to do it is to glue yourself to the Mona Lisa.

But that's been going around since the 70s. There was a lot of rich kids that were involved.

Of course, it's always rich kids because those are the kids that have the luxury of being able to go out and protest.

And I think it's like inherent guilt, too, of like, God, I feel so bad. What can I do?

100%? Especially today. Today you're being told that just by virtue of the color of your skin, you're a colonizer. You're responsible for everything. And there's people, like, some of these people that are in these protests, they haven't thought shit out at all. So they get confronted by influencers, right? And they ask them, like, real simple questions to get them riled up. What do you think we should do? We need to get rid of this country.

Capital.

You don't understand. We're trying to dissolve the country. Get away from the capitals, get away from the Capitol.

Dude, I saw the best thing. I went to a rally. No, a protest. And it was during the summer of 2020. And everyone's like marching and everything. And I wanted to go check it out. And this girl was wearing, like, an acab shirt and chanting, like, NYPD racist police. And a cop was like, excuse me, miss, you can't stand here. And she goes, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Shifted, and then started protesting again.

She left all her crank.

Fucking craig. What the fuck?

Sure that wasn't a skit? That sounds like a skit.

I saw it with my own eyes.

Oh, it must be real.

Yeah.

There's no way it could be fake. Yes.

It was not fake.

You saw it.

It was, right?

No, I was next to me. Next to me.

That wasn't a crisis actor because that.

Sounds like if I saw that one on Instagram, I'd be like, come.

Oh, no, I was there. Like, it happened right next to me. And I was with my budy and we just started laughing.

How dumb is that?

Yeah.

And then I was in Central park for one, and I swear to God, this guy had a sign, and this super hot fucking girl went up to him and goes, can I borrow your sign? Grabbed it, turned around, took a picture, gave it back and left.

Yeah.

A model who stole.

A young guy just trying to trust. Anything today. Anything.

20 hot pussy.

Well, what about. Why are you always at these protests? You're not in them. Is that like the guy who goes to see the fires you like to observe? Like a wannabe fireman? I am a wannabe fireman. I love firefighters.

Good job, guys.

Yeah.

Oh, you used a Halligan bar. Good work.

You know the stats.

Oh, yeah.

I was a volunteer firefighter in high school. I loved it.

Were you really in high school?

Yeah, before 911.

Wow.

If you're not fighting fires, it's a great gig.

What?

If you're not fighting fires, it's a great gig to be a fireman. Yeah. You don't have to fight the fires your life and go into a burning building.

You're in the firehouse, you're watching movies, making.

I was always in the pool room playing pool so I could slide down the pole.

There you go.

And everybody beat me running down the stairs, but I didn't care. Yeah, I did it from like 16 or whatever to 18. And I was a junior firefighter, so I wasn't allowed to fight fires in the interior. I could just do it from the exterior. And then we were like, the bitches. We had to go and clean everything up and clean the trucks. And then I fought a car fire once at 02:00 a.m. Because I lived close to the house and you could hear the sirens. I showed up and it was me and two other guys. It was all volunteer. And they let me fight the fire myself. And I was so nervous. I didn't strap my helmet on, and I popped the hood. My helmet falls off and I left the hose running. It was like a Charlie Chapel movie.

It was hardest catch.

Oh, it was hard. It was so embarrassing. They're just in the truck laughing like, sorry, fellas.

That's one of my fears. The car fire. I mean, that's a horrible. Watching it is cool, but one of.

The worst ones I've ever heard is northern California. The wildfires swarmed the highway, killed everybody in their cars. Trapped bumper to bumper. Can't get away.

That's like hell on earth when they have the family driving, like, trying to drive to safety and you just see all that sparks and all that.

Fuck, man. Dude. I've been evacuated three times. Living in California.

No.

Yeah. Fire burned two houses in front of my house. Yeah.

And what do you do? Are you out there with a hole?

What's the booth you got out?

Right?

What do you grab?

Nothing. Grab the laptop. Grab the laptop and some clothes. Get everything else. Fuck this place.

And do they have.

That's what it's like, man. When you see it. When you see, like, everything over the horizon is fire. I mean, from the left to the right, everything coming over the hills is fire.

That's crazy.

And it's just ignoring buildings. You're seeing your neighbor's house on fire. You just get the fuck out while you can.

Supposedly they have enough rain now for like, till 2025 in California that they're saying this should help both the consumption and also with all that snow up in the northern California point of that, it should. Like, if there's a forest fire now, what is that?

Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you have a wildfire like they had where those people died on the highway. Those things are so big, you can't even comprehend it. It's so hot. There's so much fire. It's literally thousands and thousands of acres around you are just engulfed in flames. And it's moving at like 20 miles an hour. There's nothing happening that you're going to do with water.

Okay.

And the other problem with getting a lot of rainfall is you get a lot of growth. So you get a lot of grasses. Wild grasses grow and they're very tall, and then they dry out because it stops raining. It always fucking does. And everything turns brown. And as soon as things get hot and everything turns brown and it stops raining, that's when fire season happens. And a lot of it is fucking idiots throwing cigarettes out the window.

Sorry.

A lot of it is people that.

Are camping, homeless people, and gender reveals. They have the fireworks. At the gender reveal, everybody loses their house. How about those guys, the smoke jumpers, whatever. The people that do that, that's a balls gig. But they didn't have that in Hawaii. They had nothing like that there. Like when that town went up, it was all made of bamboo. I mean, it was crazy.

Oh, you mean in Maui?

In Maui.

Maui thing's crazy. Yeah. Maui was power lines downed.

Oh, that's what it was.

And wasn't response time terrible?

It was non existent.

Yeah, they never had anything like that happen there.

Yeah, but there was also a lot of problems. Like the people didn't want to release the water because water is owned. Like, there's water rights. And I think water was going to the rich neighborhoods where the golf courses are. I'm trying to get the water. And then there's also like, how the fuck do you have a place that's this windy where you still have exposed power lines? That seems insane, man. That seems insane. Like every time those things fall down and you didn't clean up any of the brush around it.

Was it the conspiracy that they were trying to get it out of there so they could sell the land?

Yes. The crazy conspiracy is the direct energy weapons conspiracy people.

What?

Those fires, bro. The real tinfoil hat dudes, they'll corner you like Z. What do you think about the director energy weapon in Maui?

Was that like a heart attack gun for fires?

There's apparently the government has the ability, according to the conspiracy theorists and maybe even some real people, of having these things that they call direct energy weapons. So it's almost like a laser beam. And I know that these are things that they're working on. I know these are things that are probably top secret because it's always been discussed. There's been studies on how to do it and there's been papers written on it. So the conspiracy theory is that they lit those houses on fire on purpose with direct energy weapons. And if you had a blue house, like with a blue ceiling, that the blue ceiling would somehow reflect against this energy weapon and stop your house from burning.

No way.

Oh, yeah. Not only that, but they use, because Biden did some speech and in know old kind of senile way, he was talking about how some houses survived because they had the right roof and everybody's.

Like, see, it's the blue roof.

Yeah. So conspiracy theorists, like, literally painting their roofs blue to protect them from direct energy weapons. Jamie, please google this. No way. By the way, this might have been one of those things their four chan started for a fuck, just for goofing with people, and then people ran with it. Who knows? Or it might be just people that are out there.

Can you imagine your house burning up because your wife or partner was like, no, don't paint it blue.

Operation green roof. That's a thing, but no way.

Part of the conspiracy thing.

What does that mean? What is operation?

One thing about getting people blue tarps to cover their roofs. That's not the same thing as what the tent.

Allegedly. Allegedly. Okay. Social media post sharing. The post typically include a video from a TikTok account that often shares clips of everyday items being burned by a handheld industrial laser in a workshop. The clip shows a laser burning yellow, red, and green fabric while a blue swatch is unscathed, with tech saying it can be programmed for different wavelengths.

Wow.

So some lasers don't work on blue ceilings, and these people think that it's the blue roof that'll protect you.

Someone said everything that's blue survived, including.

T shirts, a blue car, and some blue beach umbrellas around front street along the waterfront were not destroyed in the inferno.

And the blue man group, they were playing in town. They were doing a road gig. That is really stretching it, if you ask me.

Yeah, they're going hard on this.

This is too much.

Dew stands for direct energy weapons, which use technology like high energy lasers instead of projectiles like bullets. These videos are not evidence that they have anything to do with the wildfires to start with. They show what is the videos are saying. Handful of blue items in the fire's aftermath. But other footage and photos show these were hardly the only things left standing. But the thing about the direct energy weapon. Is there videos of those things being used? Is a direct energy weapon a real thing? Like 100%?

Yeah.

I think it's true. It's like what you said, lasers.

So there's, like, videos of us government talking about direct energy weapons. In very broad terms, it's only, like, $15 a shot.

But they don't.

It's true.

No, they were saying that this will be the best way to shoot down missiles and drones.

High energy lasers and high powered microwaves.

Boom.

They just shot that thing.

Nice.

Almost looks like the drone video.

Nice.

So they just shot that out of.

The sky, but it's coming from a boat onto a boat.

I don't know. Look at that guy. Just lovely. Typing, typing, isn't it?

He's an asian guy.

That'd be an airborne ranger.

It's a computer guy. We only let Asians handle our computer. Does that show, what is that video at the bottom? Why the US military is investing billions? Ten minutes. I guarantee they're doing it because they know how to do it. But by the time they're telling you they're investing billions, they probably already invested billions.

Sure.

They probably figure out.

There was a video.

Claiming.

Hold on.

Claiming to show a directed energy weapon is actually an edited clip of an explosion in Russia.

That's not what I was trying to pull up, man. This stuff is.

There was a video of what looked like a laser coming out of the sky.

Yeah, I saw that.

And, like, during a storm or something.

Somebody explained that that's cell phone video cameras, like, glitching under the intense exposure of a lightning bolt. That's something that light flashes and it creates, like, a distortion in some cell phones. I don't know if that's true, though.

So it's a natural.

Someone has.

It's a natural thing.

Would that look like. Show that again.

I don't know what I was believing.

Looking at that video that you just showed.

No, I know, but I don't know what the hell they're showing because I can't hear the sound. It's showing all sorts of stuff they're talking about.

Whoa.

Just images that were going viral during it. Some of them are real, some of them are not.

Look at her smiling.

See, like right there, for instance.

Pop.

That's a controlled burn at a Canton refinery in Ohio.

And because of that light going to the sky, right? Someone thinks it's a lake.

Everybody thinks it's a rainbow. There's another one. What is that one?

SpaceX launch.

Oh, that's interesting that people are doing people. Some people are out of their fucking minds.

There's a thing that happened, though, on Twitter, too. I feel like this doesn't get talked about sometimes. People are trying to get engagement money, because if you build up an account that can get engagement, doesn't matter if it's good engagement, bad engagement, you just got to get the numbers. You can start getting revenue. So people are reposting real old viral videos, confusing people with shit posts like this, right, just to build up the 5 million views.

But here's the real conspiracy about the fires. They haven't done any rebuilding. Those people, they weren't allowed to have insurance inspectors go in there. I don't know if they can now that people still had to pay their mortgage on those things.

Oh, jeez.

And the thing is, if you're getting to this point where you don't have anything and you can't rebuild your house and you're fucked, and then they come along and offer you a payment or something or you get foreclosed on because you haven't paid your mortgage, and then the banks own it and then whoever the fuck is the developer owns it and then whatever they want to do for the better good of Maui, they build there. And then these people lose everything. This is what's really scary about it because the way it's being handled, it's not like you're handling victims of a natural disaster that's horrific and took more lives than any wildfire in the history of this country. You're doing it like you are trying to figure out a way to take that from those people. You're not doing it like you're trying to support those people and build it back. You're doing it like, if you know what's really going on, you're not asking for financial aid for these people to deal with their mortgages and you're not asking for aid from the government. In one of those giant Ukraine bills, it would take $5 billion, right?

Wasn't that what the money was, 5 billion to rebuild all those houses? That's a drop in the bucket to what they're spending in Ukraine. And there's no consideration at all to do something for these fucking people. That seems like you don't want to do anything.

They declared an emergency. I know when it happened. Like a federal, like that usually means they can activate all federal funds.

Brothers, people got a one time payment of $700.01. Time payment?

Didn't we get more for stimulus checks?

Yeah.

That's an outrage.

Yeah, well, fucking FEMA. When Hurricane Katrina hit, I went down to help clean up and rebuild homes and stuff and they sent us to foley, Alabama, because they still didn't get relief from Hurricane Ivan like years prior.

Wow.

So there were still homes with roofs blown off from Hurricane Ivan.

So did they tell them we're going to send down some high school firemen? Don't hang up the phone with sending some kids.

Don't let them go to your strip club.

They're not popular in high school, but they want to be firemen. They have all the weekend open. They don't have dates or friends.

I'm here to help.

Hi. Anybody got a shovel for me? Yeah. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing? Amazing.

I know a guy who just took the MTA test, and now he's an MTA guy. That's the guy drives the trains in the subways. So I'm like, I wonder what kind of training they give them now. Because it's more than just driving a train. It's got to be like, you got to make a choice now. All right, learn more. Do you pull to the station or do you hit the homeless man who's on the tracks? Like, what do you do? All kinds of hypotheticals.

Yeah. How many times do homeless people get got down there?

There's so much going on in that.

Station, not even homeless people. How many people get pushed by homeless people?

Someone was pushed. She had both of her feet amputated, cut right off.

The videos are the best because the people videotaping it aren't upset about the loss of human life. They're upset because they're late to work.

They're late.

Yeah, like, I got somewhere to be.

So crazy. So crazy. The pushing people onto the tracks things is fucking terrifying.

I think that's new. If you ask me, that's something that's only the last couple of years.

But also, it's just so scary because it's random. At like 08:00 a.m. At a popular station, 330 on the work commute.

Do you know how much that's going to ramp up with people coming in from everywhere around the world and not having any jobs that were promised to them and being angry at everybody and knowing they can get away with crime and already being a murderer, already committing murder in your country, and you got away with it. Now here you are in America, and also you're doing fentanyl.

Multiple and multiple. People that are doing the pushings have been locked up so many times, and their family are like, this person is sick. We've dropped them off at a hospital and they keep getting released. We don't know what to do.

But what can you do, really?

But what can't the government use one of those lasers? How come they don't? This is after the Reagan administration. All the nutty people off the street.

Well, Geraldo Rivera was the guy who took know. He did that documentary on Creed. Where was it like? It was this Al Capone's vault, but it was like one of those. But he went to an asylum and he just saw people laying in their own filth and just how horrible it was. And that was the beginning of basically the defund. These psychiatric hospitals where through medication, they were allowed to release them into society, and that's where people are now. Like, we really could use an assignment.

We need to open them up and then incentivize workers with high pay to have smart people with compassion working there. Not just bottom of the barrel.

That's the people that. Yeah, that's the. Is really. This is. Talk about something that's hard to watch. It's this thing here, man.

Landmark investigation of Staten Island's Willowbrook State school, an institution for the developmentally disabled.

It's terrible.

His expose forever changed the face of mental health, my alma mater. But that's the fucking horrible thing about people. When they can get away with doing things, when no one's, like, Harold Rivera or somebody else is, like, breathing down their neck trying to find out what the fuck is going on.

That's institutionalized. But that's what people did back then. They put them in these places, get them off the street. And now people are looking at it going, like, maybe that's a good idea.

I used to work at a sober living house, and one of the kids was, like, severely autistic, and his family would just send him to different rehabs and sober living houses because he was so difficult to deal with and would just say he had a problem with marijuana. And then the kid learned how to smoke crack from people in the houses. He ended up dying in a crack house. It's like, the saddest thing ever.

Wow.

Yeah. I don't know if that's the saddest thing ever.

What?

This poor kid was that sadder than those guys getting drone bombed. Well, imagine being living in Gaza. You're just fucked. You're just fucked. Yeah, and you're just, like, going, oh, my God, let's walk back and see if there's anything there. Yeah, but imagine israeli army is targeting you.

Yeah, but imagine going to a crack house thinking you're going to color with some guys, and he ends up killing you.

Yeah, that's not good either. I don't know if it's the saddest thing. Definitely sad.

It's parallel sad.

But the sober living house, how does that work?

It's all sad. Yeah.

What do you mean?

I've only seen it on that show with Dr. Drew. The sober living house. What is it like? Have you lived in one? Yeah. What's it like? You have chores.

Well, I lived in a three quarter house, an Oxford house in Delaware. And so it was self run, so everyone had a role, like a comptroller, treasurer, chore coordinator, president of the house, and we kept each other accountable. But sober living house, like a halfway house. You have house managers and clinical assistants and everything that basically babysit you and take you.

And you have to have a job besides working there, right? Living there, you have to have a job out.

Yeah.

You help them get jobs and everything, and then.

I like that idea.

Yeah.

And then I got fired for drinking.

That's, like, the first rule. I didn't see that. Yeah.

I didn't read the handbook.

All right.

Did they give you a warning, or is this one time out? Yeah, out.

And they didn't catch me. I came to them and was like, I fucked up. I was on the road, and I took a two week bender, and it was bad. Then I came back and got fired.

Wow. So were you clean when you came back to the house? Yeah. Or were you still a little drunk?

No. I mean, I hadn't drank yet that day, but I left. And got cocked.

Yeah.

So did you just stand in your. Once you were fired, did you just get in your car and get reloaded in front of the house?

Hey, God. Expression. What do you think it is? I love that expression. I went to get cocked. That's a great fucking drunk expression. Oh, yeah, getting cocked.

Yeah. That's what. I know a guy who was in a rehab and that he told me, we were looking out the window, and he told me, he goes, you see all those cars over there? Those are all drug dealers. They're just waiting for some guy to go, I've had it. And they'll come out. No, and they'll immediately sell them drugs. And it was kind of like the shark circling the shark cage. They're just out there, and I'm like, wow, that shouldn't be allowed. I'm like an idiot. You shouldn't be there.

You did your time.

Celebrate.

They're like, yeah. Oh, nice day. Like the slither snake.

Yeah. They don't want to lose their customer. That's the best way to get them back when they're vulnerable.

Well, that dude, back to that book, dreamland, it talks about these Mexicans from naira bringing black tar heroin to America and how it exploded was because of their customer service. Yeah, they had a paging system. They had cell phones. They would give addicts extra and be like, hey, it's on the house. You're a good customer. And then when they didn't hear from for a while, since they had their numbers, they'd call them, be like, how are you? Do you want to meet up? We have some new heroin. If you want to try it out?

Yeah, man, I do. Yeah, you got a tipping point. You're in the kitchen, bored, drinking.

God, you caught him at the right time.

You know what, Jose? I'll see you in five minutes. Yeah, let's go.

Yeah.

It was like Domino's for heroin.

Way worse. Domino's doesn't call you. Are you hungry, Ian? Ian, would you like a pizza? Fuck. I would like a pizza. How about one on the house, Ian? Oh, you guys are the best. I'm a little short on funds right now. Yeah, don't worry about it.

Ian and your friend, their number one export that they would use all their money, the drug dealers, was Levi's 501 jeans. And they would bring it back to their families and that would show everyone in Nyrat like, wow, we have money now. They would raid these places and the closets would be stacked floor to ceiling with jeans.

Really? Yeah, with an iron crease in them. I was always like, man, why do they do that? It's never going to be slacks. It's jeans. They're like, no, that's how we like it.

Yeah, it was their sign of opulence.

Yeah, a nice pair of jeans.

Well, you ever go to Houston, they always have that Tex Mex cowboy bar, like where you're not really supposed to go in there. It's for other people. And those guys are dressed up, they got their jeans ironed, they got the big ten gallon on. It's like a big night out. And I'm always like, man, good for these guys, man. And then of course, there's some kind of shots fired in the parking lot. Something terrible happens. You're like, they're cowboys. Of course.

Legit cowboys.

Yeah. This is unforgiven here. There's some issue, something the cows. Something about the cattle fight, grazing rights or something. Those are cool towns, though. You don't get that much anymore. And everything looks the same. All these towns are the same now.

There's no late night food.

No, actually, I think this might still have it. No, well, we just have pizza.

Deli is still open.

Yeah, but it's like $35 for.

But not all night.

If you want a Vegas pastrami sandwich at four in the morning, you should be willing to pay $35.

I'd be willing to pay it, but it's not open. It's like Vegas. We were just in Vegas that has like late night food and it's pretty good. What was that place you took?

Ping pang pong.

That's a real place.

Chinese food.

It's open real late.

It's like 24 hours.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah. And the people who work there are angels because they look exhausted. I mean, you're in a casino, working at a chinese food restaurant. It's everything you would think. But then you're like, hey, this food is really good.

I can't believe the best chinese I've ever had.

Really? Yeah.

I got their chopsticks logo tattooed on me.

That's hilarious. There's a restaurant inside encore at the Wynn Hotel. The Wynn has like a Michelin star chinese restaurant in it. I think it's the only chinese restaurant in the country. I think that has a Michelin star or one of the only ones. It's incredible. What's that place called, Jamie? It's incredible. It's like, what is it called?

Wing ling.

Ling. Wing lei. Yeah. Or Wing li.

Yeah.

I mean, they don't help. They sound really racist when I'm naming my favorite chinese restaurant.

Yeah, chinese restaurant. Well, first chinese restaurant in America to earn a Michelin star. Whoa.

But those are normal hours. Like, that's 539. That's like a restaurant.

It's a real restaurant. You have to dress nice too. Like, you can't wear like a. Whoa. Woke.

Fried main lobster. Dude, it sounds so good.

Wok. Fried, not woke.

Sorry. Poetry slam.

We fry it in trans tears.

We ask its permission.

Take a knee. What was going to say?

Tang pong. Yeah, there it is.

I'm impressed with Vegas. I mean, Vegas has really turned the.

Oh, Vegas is a different place.

It is a total different. You see it, right?

It's also. Vegas became much more about entertainment than just about.

And also the sphere is a good example of what is possible. I'm sure that's just the beginning of know.

Yeah. With that kind of money, we went.

To the Battlebot arena there.

Listen, when you're driving through Vegas and just the neon and all the craziness, it's fucking amazing.

It is amazing.

It's amazing.

And I did shows that wise guys was a great club, by the way, in Vegas, the locals came out and they were so happy to see a show. Like, usually it's casino or whatever, bigger only, but just to have a regular club there is really cool too. And there's a bunch, but this is off the strip. It's way off. So it's mostly for the locals. So it was kind of refreshing to see the locals come out and let's say, is there a more jaded crowd than a. You know, they've seen it all. Yeah. So they were really cool. And I like Vegas. I feel like Vegas has turned the. It's really. It's popping now.

Yeah, well, it's a place where people go to have a good time. So when you do shows, you know, doing shows, you ever do the mirage?

I think so. In the past, for sure.

That's that. What is it? The Terry Fador Theater? Mirage? Yeah, it was called that. I think they changed it, but the fucking place is great. I was there with Gillis, like, a few months back. It's amazing. You get in there, you're like, holy shit, this place is incredible. I forgot how fun it was. And it's like, bunch of people there to have a good time. It's like, that's what you want? You want people that are just, like, purposely, I'm here to have a good time.

They want fun.

I'm in a town that's specifically designed to have a good time.

That's the first place I saw the ax throwing stuff. They have, like, new ideas. Like, for some reason, people will bring new ideas and they'll like Vegas. What's the next thing that people want to do? What do they want to try? So I think that's a good place. Like, if you have an idea and you want to see if people are into it, that's the place. Do know?

Yeah.

So that's where you'll see a lot of these robots and stuff like that there. They'll have robot wrestling.

Well, it'll be robot prostitutes. They'll unleash them. That'd be the first place they do it in Vegas.

And, you know, the weed thing there, too, which is weird that their weed laws are. You can buy it, but you can't really smoke it on the street or in the hotels or anything like that. So I don't know where people actually smoking that weed, but that just added another layer.

It's like an Airbnb for smoke breaks.

Just on top of the.

Battle box arena.

But there is the sad of Vegas, and let's face it, there's some, like, you know, you go to old Vegas and you're, like, walking down those streets.

It'S sad, but there's definitely a lot of sad in Vegas.

There's some fun to it, too, though. And that's all those museums, like, just crazy museums there.

If you're going to have gambling, you're going to have failure. You have people who just fucking hit the rocks at 400 miles an hour.

04:00 a.m. You can't quit the penny slot.

People lose everything. Have you ever seen those videos of people just peeing in their seats because they don't feel like getting up.

No.

Yeah, there's this girl. She's sitting there. This girl sitting there on her phone. And she's sitting at one of the slot machines. She just pisses.

A girl or a woman? A lady.

Look, she's just sitting there pissing. She's kind of hungry, so she's on the phone. She just says, I'm just going to fucking piss. So she's just pissing while she's sitting.

But she doesn't look like a degenerate that's in Vegas drunk.

She's probably both.

She's too hot. She's probably drunk.

She's just pissing on the ground in front of everybody.

Lucky ground.

And people are filming it. And she's got, like, a beautiful purse, nice shoes.

That's in vegas. Yeah, it doesn't really.

Wow. What casino is that at, Jamie?

I don't know.

I'm just looking.

Evan.

Woman pees while gambling at casino. She refuses to go to the bathroom so she doesn't ruin her luck.

Caption out of it. Is there any chance. What if it's not what it is?

Yeah, like, what if it's coming from her bag? Or she put a drink in between her legs. What a weird ad for she's really turned on.

I would like to just keep believing she's peeing.

That makes it better.

What it looks like. What a weird.

It definitely looks like she's peeing.

I can't get over how hot.

Apparently people do do that, though. I've talked to people.

I was expecting someone in one of.

Those other videos, but this is the one that went around viral.

Right? That's because she's hot.

Don't they do that in times Square? At everywhere with the ball, the people.

Peeing and shitting everywhere?

Don't people wear diapers because it's so crowded?

You're not allowed to leave. Once you get in that zone.

Security zone, they should all die.

What? Sorry.

If you're wearing a diaper to go see something and you can't pee, well.

You'Re useless anyway, right, Dave? That was weird. I'm not wearing a diaper today. We'll change my catheter.

Imagine they gave you that option. They just connected you. Would you like to be connected to the urinal? Yeah, sure. Just connect me. And they just strap you in, put you in a chair, and you just zip your dong. Just let it hang out. And you could pee at any time. You're in a bag. You're in a blue dark bag.

I hate as long as I hit those machines.

Yeah, I do that. Those machines suck. I'd rather play blackjack. I was playing them with you and these dumb machines. It's like, by the time you figure it out, you're already about $100 into these dumb games. And then I'm like, look at all this information. And it's like, you never know if you're winning or not. It's like, why am I hitting like an idiot? You're hitting the butt, waiting for a treat to come out. But I like the classic, and it's.

Just, I was winning.

I don't know how people do it.

And then every time he came around me, I started losing.

Yeah, I was a dark cloud.

Slot revenue made up 66.3% of total gaming win. Wow. Penny slots generated 9.6% of total slot win with 3.15 billion, which is pennies.

That's crazy.

Which is down 12% from 2022, while slots that accept multiple denominations generated 5.9 billion, up 16.7% from last year. So people are getting dumber.

People always have money to gamble.

They're getting dumber. They're blowing more money on slot machines.

I'm a part of it.

What's your biggest win on a slot? What's your biggest?

$1,100.

And how long did it take you to get that?

I was there for, like an hour.

If you had a guess, though. How much are you in the hole to slot machines all time?

Oh, Joe, so much. Well, I mean, I lost like three grand when I was in Vegas. I was there.

Machines.

Well, I play a little roulette too.

I like how that's your backup game, roulette. I understand this game.

I'm guessing last night on stage I lost $20 betting someone on rock, paper.

Scissor in the front row. I love gambling.

I'm not good at it.

Are you a sports guy, too?

No, I don't like sports.

Sports because we really can make it.

I don't understand the over unders and the parlays.

Yeah, but we've been to the track on the road, and that's fun. And that's another one where it takes forever to figure it out. The trifectas and quintellas and all those.

Other track junkies are weird folk.

Oh, yeah. My uncle was one of them. He got me to pull the trigger on the start of a race once.

Oh, wow.

It's a fun date, though. Like, if you take a girl, it's like, hey, this is kind of cool. Like, we're the upper class, but it's like you're surrounded by some of the saddest people who've ever know. The people who live at the shit.

Is off track betting.

Oh, that was so much.

That.

Oh, my God.

In New York, they had off track betting.

Oh, Chinatown is everywhere.

Gambling junkies would go and bet on the races from the middle of nowhere.

That was the most unhealthiest place. Like, you would walk in, it was like waves of smoke. Oh, man. It was just terrible going in there. I remember people, I was like, do you have a bathroom here? I'm like, what are you talking about? There's no bathroom here.

People would be living in it.

Yeah, come on.

They'd be taking showers in there. Yeah. Off track betting was a guy, white Plains Charlie, that I used to hang around with white plains in executive billiards in white Plains, and he would always go to off track betting during the day. He'd come back complaining, what is off track betting?

This is before the Internet where you put it in and you'd be able to bet on races around the country.

So you're betting on horse races? Yeah, but you're nowhere near the horse race. And all these fucking psychotic gamblers.

These guys are nuts.

Look at these people. They're all just completely addicted. They're all shady. Everyone's in there. Everyone's fucked their whole life up with this addiction.

Yeah, that was my uncle, man.

And they're just donating money.

Looks like the DMV, I was going to say.

I remember walking past, I was like, is this like the cab authority? Is this like where the cabbies hang out?

Look how sad these guys look. Give me a click on some of the folks hanging out there.

They're great.

They just look like everything's gone wrong. Look at that guy.

Explain.

I'll fucking tell you what the government's plan is. Yeah, they're all just junk.

The name of one of the horses. Government's plan.

It was a nice way to spend an afternoon. That's how they portrayed it on the commercial.

Just a bunch of junkies.

Oh, God. Ghost of wagers pass. Still living.

Yeah, they close. All this is all down.

They don't have off track betting anymore?

I don't think so.

Why did they make that illegal near the Manhattan bridge?

Do you think Upper west side cider.

Makes documentary about off track betting?

Oh, look, that looks classy, though, with a.

That's a nice, yeah, that's a nice one. That's the upper west side.

They're betting on something besides horses there. I think that's like falconry or something. Another level of animal.

Well, there's always dog races, too, right? Yeah.

I've been to those in person, and they were a lot of fun.

Really?

They used to have the thing where this was like a rite of passage or at a state fair where they had monkeys riding dogs, and they were like, this has got to end now. And I'm like, oh, come on. It's hilarious. And the monkeys would be, like, riding around. They'd have, like, do a circle. Man, that was really think. Everybody had a good time. The dog, the monkey. Everybody's having a good time.

I saw a video today of India, and these folks are walking down this road, and this monkey runs up behind and just drop kicks this lady and then.

Yeah, see?

Look at this monkey, right?

It's a good heat. I got the guy in red. I got the guy in red.

Purple's making a comeback.

Hey, stop. Hey, what's going on?

We should have bet.

Oh, this is, like, such a lame one. But look at the dog.

He's easily distracted.

You're taking a bow.

Do any of the monkeys rip the dog's faces off?

That's great.

Now they know better than that. Dogs will bite their fucking.

Are they friends? Like, do they get a buddies?

The dogs don't seem to mind.

They have to split the purse.

The dog's probably for the dogs. Probably like, being pet like. Yeah, he's petting me. He's riding me. He's wearing a little dress, and they don't weigh much.

Oh, that's so fun.

So these people are walking down this road in India, and this monkey runs up behind them, drop kicks this one lady, and then runs a little further and drop kicks this little kid, and then just runs off, like, 100% did it on purpose.

That's great.

Fuck these people.

That's great.

A migrant.

What? An angry.

Runs up with its back feet like a drop kick. Like a real pro wrestling.

Did you try to steal their purse.

Or was love of the game up? Just the love of the game.

That's awesome.

Drop some bombs on these fucking fools.

That's the best.

Oh, nice one, bro. You've been served.

Just decided to fuck this dude up.

Well, he's egging him on, though.

He's like, fuck.

Did he give him the finger?

He tried to.

Oh, my God.

He tried to stand his ground, but the monkey's like. That guy was. I hate to say it. He was asking.

Left his thing behind.

Yeah, he's so disoriented.

So where's the monkey? Is this outdoors or is it indoors?

The one that I saw, it was indoor or outdoors?

Rather scary. Attack.

Steal your fucking kids, man.

This is crazy. Look at those tails, man.

Oh, they're dragging the girl. Oh, no.

Yeah, dude, that's sketchy. I would not let the monkey grab my fucking kid.

No.

Then you got to realize they'll fuck you up. Like, a little monkey will fuck you up. They can't treat it like it's a little person.

They must think we're so stupid. Like, they just keep feeding them honestly.

Well, then a lot of places they'll take your phone. In order to give the phone back, you have to give them something that's smart. Give them food.

Can you train the monkey to take. Steal a phone and give it to you so you can sell it?

I'm sure you can.

And that's in, like, where's it where they live? In a monastery or a ruin or something like that. They kind of control the town. I think it's in India or Thailand or something like that, where it's like just troops of monkeys. Hundreds of them. Stop traffic and they can't do anything.

Yeah, you can't fight them unless you're willing to go to war. You got to really be willing to go to war.

What's your weapon?

You got to need machine guns.

Yeah. How would you fight the monkey army?

Yeah, they're going to swarm on you. You got to be able to maybe even. Yeah. You need something that you don't think. Like a mace rounds. No, they'll take that mace around away from you and stuff it up your ass. But you jump on your face and bite your nose off. And then you drop the mace, and then they beat you to death with the mace. Like, you're fucked. You have to have motorcycle helmet on. Kevlar suit.

There it is.

Yeah.

You got to look like Tex Cobb in raising Arizona.

Exactly. No, but he was still vulnerable. Skin, it was exposed. You want to literally be wearing, like, a motorcycle riding outfit made out of Kevlar.

Oh, my God, look at them. That's like two troops of monkeys going at it.

Yeah, they're fighting.

Look at that.

Well, this was, I think, during COVID One of the things that happened during COVID was they didn't have access to all the tourists, so they were starving. So they had to become dependent upon people and where people would hang out and leave food.

You're right.

Yeah, look at those guys. They're probably fucking starving.

That's a nice spread. Though, that they put out for them.

That is pretty sweet.

Yeah, that's good.

Sort of like one guy was dressed as a monkey.

I'm infiltrating a nice little buffet. Look at this. Sort of. Sort of cool.

Like a carnival.

Different plates of food.

Like a carnival cruise. All you can eat. Look at them.

They're fucking having a good old time. You would think that they look really healthy. Treatment. They wouldn't steal any babies, but they.

Still masks on, too. These guys wearing a giant mask.

They're so smart.

Boy, he's their leader. I think that might be a statue. Is that a statue or a dude?

Yeah, that's like the God they're worshiped.

Yeah. Wow.

That looks like rats. Like, the way they know. Circling.

Wild, what people. It's so wild what people choose to and choose not to worship. He's shaking it off. Like, enough of the table, boys. Boy, what a fucking horrible life that is. Imagine being a monkey in India. No. Tourists show up and you're like, you got to be kidding. Where's the food, man?

If they only had dogs to ride, then they could make a living. Then they could really make a difference.

Do you know the story of Cobra charmers? No. Cobra charmers started because they started offering people money to kill cobras. And so what people realized is you could breed cobras and then kill those cobras. And so every cobra you capture and kill, they give you a little bit of money. So they started breeding cobras. And so then the government got wise to it and say, hey, stop. You can't do this. No more bounty on cobras. And they're like, what are we going to do with these fucking cobras? And so they started fucking doing shows with them.

No, I didn't know that.

See if that's true.

Did you just tell us?

No. Imagine if I made it up. But I don't remember the source, which is often the case. I don't remember the source of that story.

You mean we can't make these cobras fuck anymore?

Yeah, they fucking. I mean, it makes sense. Yeah, people get a little. People find ways.

Where are they native to? That's India. Where are the cobras?

I believe it's India.

India, right? Yeah.

I mean, you think about the people going back and forth from Mexico making $8,000 a month. Like, same kind of deal. People find a little loophole, like, oh, I got a nice breed cobra, bro.

Making the criminals, that's another tough one.

How many cobra bite died breeding cobras? Yeah, I'm looking through the thing, but that's a pretty sneaky thing.

I never heard.

For safety, some north american snake charmers stitch closed the mouth of the performing snakes, leaving just enough opening for the animal to be able to move its tongue in and out. Members of the audience in that region believe the snake's ability to deliver venomous bites comes from its tongue rather than its fangs. Snakes objected to this practice soon die of starvation or mouth infection must be replaced by freshly caught specimens. Similar methods are used in India, where snakes are defanged and have their venom glands incapacitated. They are also kept in boxes or bags for 30 to 45 days and dehydrated so their muscles cramp, making them sluggish, so they will drink the milk offered by the devotees at festivals. The milk is undigestible to the snake.

Jesus Christ.

Wow. It's abuse.

Methods of dealing with the fangs include expert surgical removal of both of the fangs and replacement fangs, which has been done by some native american and african snake charmers. Barring extraordinary measures, pulled fangs are replaced within days. Fangs may also be plugged with wax or other material.

Well, so it's like a three chord monty, kind of like you're thinking the guy could really die. Nothing could happen.

Right, but see if that's the origin of that. They used to google that. Like, if they used to give bounties for cobras, but people took advantage of it. Pretty sure that's a real story.

This has the history goes all the way back to ancient Egypt, right?

A viper.

But in India, what I'm talking about is the bounty on cobra thing.

The real money is in being a snake dentist with all those fang removals.

I'm not saying that they invented it, but I'm saying that's where it came from, where there were so many of them. And it was associated with India that these are people that apparently had a bunch of snakes laying around, like, look, we need to figure out a way to fucking diversify.

Wasn't that St. Patrick? Didn't he chase all the snakes out of Ireland?

Wasn't he the guy? But what are you supposed to do?

It's like a snake living in Ireland. It's so cold. It's probably easy to chase him out.

Of there, bring me back to India and take my teeth out.

What happens with the. Like, what are you supposed to tip that guy? It's like a street performance.

This is an alumni article. The first paragraph says, legend goes that.

A cobra investigation plagued Delhi in the 18 hundreds, so the British Raj decided to offer cash reward for every dead cobra. The menace briefly decided, till the plane backfired, savvy Indians built cobra farms so they could have a constant supply of snakes to kill and redeem for money.

Yeah. Wow, you were right.

British eventually uncovered the scheme and ended its incentive with no use for the now worthless snakes. Breeders released the creatures onto Deli streets.

Wow, you were right, man.

So it made the problem worse. That's right. That's what it was.

Oh, wow.

I fucked up the story.

No, you got a lot of it right.

Yeah, worse.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, people are gross. Yeah, they're like, fuck, these cobras, they just let them lose.

You don't see that on New York streets anymore, like, with performing dogs or any of that kind of stuff. You don't see any kind of animal.

That'S illegal, but you can just go shit in the curb.

Yeah, well, that's fucking.

You will see somebody who's know I'm a squatter with a dog, and the poor dog's there all day long, just like, laying next to them that I.

Always feel like, are those dogs drugged? Or are they so socialized that they're just docile?

I think that's what they're used to, living like that.

Yeah, they're just used to that existence.

But you're really giving money to the dog, hoping that he'll take the money and take care of the dog, but really, we don't know what he.

Without a dog is probably, like 60% less effective than a homeless guy with a dog.

You don't know?

Rough estimation.

Yeah. You remember Norm McDonald's joke about the homeless guy with the dog? Wow. What is the dog thinking? This is the longest walk ever. Are we ever going home, man? It's been going on for days now.

That's a fucked up thing about dogs. They're so awesome. They'll love you. Even if you're just homeless and just fucking lazy as shit and never getting anything done. They still love you. It's real unconditional love.

It's beautiful. My cat does that.

Sure.

Your cat will eat you when you die.

Cats have seconds.

Good seconds.

I'll be one with him. Finally be inside of him.

All right, kids, let's wrap this bitch up. Bring it home, Ian, very fun. Thank you for being here.

Bless. Thank you.

My pleasure, brother. Thank you very much. Yeah, and I'm excited to see you guys this weekend.

Thank you.

You're the fucking man. I love you to death. You're one of the best of all time, Joe.

Thank you for all of us, for doing what you do, man. Honestly, it was a great hang. And the club. I can't wait to be there.

We're excited. Okay, that's it. Oh, you're special. When is it coming out?

March 26. Netflix. Hot crust buns.

Yes. All right. Bye, everybody.