Welcome to the Megyn Kelly Show your home for open, honest and provocative conversations. Hey, everyone, I'm Megan Kelly. Welcome to The Megan Kelly Show. You're going to love today's episode. It's a guarantee, I promise you. Now it's a little it's a little naughty. So if you don't like stuff that's R rated, I will confess. You might not. But if you like PG 13 and and under, you're going to love it.

Andrew Schultz is our guest and he is hysterical. I've never laughed so hard. In an hour and a half he had me laughing and my team laughing every minute. So if you need a good laugh, you got to listen to Andrew. This guy is like shooting to the top of the comedy ranks over covid and the lock down. He started putting out these YouTube videos and posting them on Instagram to where they just went on fire, millions and millions of hits.

He's got a podcast as well that everybody loves. He had a Netflix special that you should definitely watch, basically just Google Andrew Schultz and see where it takes you and click on anything because you will laugh. So he came out and we talked about everything.

I mean, from Meghan Markle to the Iraq and Afghanistan wars to being a Mormon, which neither one of us is to like porn and how ubiquitous it is and the damage it does to the movie Swingers. And a very funny, inappropriate moment with my mom. OK, so that's what you're in store for. I think you're going to love it in a minute.

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Is it true that you're the cousin of Bill Schulz, formerly of Red-Eye second cousins?

You know, I heard it and I looked at you and I was like, OK, I kind of see a little family resemblance there. What do you think?

We got strong family features on the Schult side. Fortunate for the men, unfortunate for the women.

But, yeah, there's there's some similarity going on over there. We actually didn't know each other until we were in entertainment.

Know what? Yeah, I met I met him once in the cellar and I was like, dude, I think we're related. I'm not exactly sure. And he's like, heard. We might know, you know, we might have some family. So, yeah, it's a second cousin situation. But I love Bill.

So as celebrities in your family go like, are you happy with where you landed?

Yeah. One hundred percent. As long as I'm better than Bill, everything's fine. Can I tell you I have a celebrity in my family, I found this out when I was a kid. I am related to Loretta Swit from Masche. Oh, isn't there some answer, some like that Hot Lips Houlihan. She I don't know, she's like my sixth cousin. I it's like very distant, but it's legit. And I once saw her on the Upper West Side in the Pottery Barn signing copies of her new book and greeted her like a long lost relative.

And it's shoes off. But it was it was awkward. That's it.

Well, you promise to be good friends, but I thought, you know, I like my I like my celebrity relation. Like Hot Lips.

Hot Lips is pretty good. Hot Lips is pretty good. You could do worse anyway. So I thought about you this week. I was excited you were coming on because I know you've you've done some bits about whether our current president is all there, like whether like how how confident should we be that he's got all of his faculties.

And this clip made the rounds about him just to set it up for the audience. He he appears to forget not only the word Pentagon. He's referring to this facility by the Pentagon, but he doesn't you can't get the word. But he forgot the name of our secretary of defense. Listen to the clip.

Just want to thank you both. And I want to thank the the former general. I keep calling him general. My my the guy who runs that outfit over there. I want to make sure we thank the secretary for all he's done to try to implement what we just talked about and for recommending these two women for promotion. Got one set of it over there, yeah, that's that's tough, man. You know what sucks is that, like, we all forget words, like I forget words every single day.

But once it's become, like, ingrained in your identity, every single time it happens, people like, oh, yeah, he's got Alzheimer's, it's over for him. It's a rap. How is he running the country? So he's not allowed to have a single slip up. And yeah, it's tricky. What do you think? You think he's gone? I think they shouldn't let him do live events. I think everything should be pretaped with a prompter.

There should be no ad libbing. He can't handle it. We've seen that time and time again.

And now it's starting to make me feel like, you know, when your grandpa can't get the words out and you're like, oh, come on, pop up, you can do it. Like, that's of how I'm feelin. Except Pop Up was never leader of the free world. So it's there's an additional layer of concern.

But doesn't it prove that anybody can be president? I didn't try to bring that up. Yeah, but like, yeah, Trump proved. But there are other guys that proved it before. It's not a real job. You don't have to be good at anything to be president. Like what is the skill of president outside of just being likeable, which we all know the is people are the most likable usually. Right. So like if I like somebody immediately upon meeting them, I'm usually thinking I'm going to hate you within a week.

If you're like a little weird when I first meet you, you're a little bit like maybe socially awkward. I'm like, oh, this guy is going to be like one of my best friends and he's going to take a bullet for me. It would take a bullet for me. Right. So it's like you have this ability to be likeable off the path and that's your only qualification. It's not like the lawyers. It's not like your doctors. They literally are each H.R. director and they just got to hire smart people to do the things that they don't know how to do because they have no real skills.

So, of course, anybody can be president. It's a likeability contest.

I mean, in Joe Biden's case, it was truly just a contest of who could stay in the basement the longest. How long can you stay there and how long can Trump not say something that's going to screw things up for him? Like you be quiet and you be totally out of sight and don't go anywhere.

I also think and I don't think people are given, I guess, Trump enough criticism for this is that he didn't know how to be. This is actually weird. He didn't know how to be a winner, like he knew how to be the underdog, but he didn't know how to be the winner. It's easy to run against someone because you're just going, hey, I'm not that like, what did he run on? He was like, I'm not a politician.

And that's how much crooked Hillary is exactly right. It's like I'm not those people. And it just so happens that those people are so crooked that you can run an entire campaign on I'm not them. And then people like, all right, fine, we'll take not that right. Which is more of an indictment on our politicians.

But once he became them, you have to change your strategy like it's easier to come to power than it is to lead leading. It's tough how many people have successfully led. It's true because you can't say what you're not, you know.

Well, that's why I feel like what happened to our our our old tradition of putting like Eisenhower in there, like pick a military leader, somebody who actually knows how to lead people through times of crises.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess I don't know. It's tricky, though, also, because, like, you need to be diplomatic, right? Like I think the military is. Yeah, I think. Do you think this democracy. No, I don't think he was very diplomatic, you know. No, I guess yeah. Maybe he wasn't that diplomatic. I don't know. I mean, was he less diplomatic than most? What does anybody I think you could make tell do what do these people do?

I have no clue what they do. I don't know.

But I don't think you're supposed to you're not supposed to refer to the countries of shithole countries. I don't think that people would chalk that up to diplomacy.

Some countries are shitholes. You've traveled. I traveled. I'm not doing it.

I'm just saying that president maybe you're not supposed to say it as president, but it is kind of refreshing to be like, OK, yeah, that place stinks. You don't like there are places that stink and there are places in the first world that stink, too, by the way, that there are a lot of countries that think they got their shit together. You go there like, man, this place stinks.

Well, listen, there are places in our own country that you could describe that way. It's just Trump was the only he was the first president to actually start doing it.

Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Like, what is worst? What is worse? Like saying a country is a shithole or bombing it into being a shithole. Like we got our priorities totally messed up going like that. That president said bad words. Meanwhile, this other president that we think is a hero is just bombing places into the dust. So it's I don't know. It's just it's just weird to me, at least maybe I'm more like an action guy.

I like to see exactly what your actions are. I'm not really defending him because he just wasn't good enough to get the job done, you know, and like, I think people took him way too seriously. Like I always said, like if Trump was in my friend group, I poked him in the belly and fuck up his hair. You know, like this is he's like a buffoon, but he's a fun buffoon, you know, like you'd have him in the group, but you tease them all the time.

I am someone who has actually run. Her fingers through Trump's hair. I did it on camera, it happened, and I'm here to tell you, by the way, it's one hundred percent real. It's all his. I don't I mean, I I've read the story same as everybody that, you know, there may have been some plugs or whatever. I don't know. All I can tell you is that it's nice here and it's legit. What's so funny to me is like all these women, they make fun of Trump's fake hair.

It's like, ladies, let's let's take a break with making fun of fake things, OK? Do we really need to get into the eyelashes and the cheekbones and the nose and the lips and the hair, the extension, like, let's look at the boobs a little bit. And the boob is the. I mean, I'm in my right now. I haven't seen a real girl in a month. Oh, my God, I don't understand Miami, I've only been there a couple of times and I did, does anybody work there or just work out, work out eight hours a day?

Listen, Miami is Latin America's idea of what America is. Right? And they got a great idea. I mean, how does it work? They got it made. They just got it made. They figured it out. They're like, we should be super free and we should do whatever we want. If you can enjoy yourself and all the women are beautiful and cocaine and that's pretty much it. That's Miami.

How are they what is the industry down there like? How are they keeping this ship afloat? There's no industry. There's nothing I don't know. I don't know what's going on. Maybe with Bitcoin. I think everything runs on Bitcoin. I'm honestly not sure. But there's these hot places where nobody gets anything done and everybody's still rich. And it makes no sense.

I have to say, it confuses me. And I and I never feel so obese is when I go down to Miami because it's just like there's no there's it's like it's as if there's no body fat allowed at the city border.

Yeah. The pressure, it's heavy for girls. That pressure is heavy in New York. You just throw on that hoodie for the winter and nobody notices start getting in shape around April. That's right.

That's why I love sinking into my winter body down there. There's no winter.

It is true. It is true. It's a different pressure against a different pressure.

Well, plus, I have to tell you, I grew up first ten years in Syracuse and the rest in Albany and upstate New York, the tundra. And there, you know, you could be in your winter body. Ten out of twelve months was crazy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got some early ladies up there. And fellas, because Matryoshka New York grew up in Manhattan. Oh, really?

New York City proper Manhattan. Where are you going to school. I went to six, four, 11, that's the goodwill, that's the one everybody to me, Lenny Kravitz, you know what it is?

Who else went there? Some other people. And and then I went to Waggner Middle School, which is kind of like just as big as middle schools in New York or are kind of weird. They're just like holding cells to divide up the kids before they go to high school. Then I went to a Baruch College campus high school, which is a small public school that was kind of associated with the college.

And and then I went out to get my college degree and the University of Santa Barbara. So that's one party school. Nice.

What, like I wish I had done. I went so I went back to Syracuse for college because I just couldn't get enough of the subzero temperatures and four feet of snow every every December through May.

You wanted that journalism degree. That's the only way to get to journalism if you go to Syracuse, right, Andrew?

They didn't let me in. I didn't get into new house at Syracuse like they now like. Yeah. People just assume that I went there. I couldn't get it.

I went poly's I went to Syracuse because I had a soft spot in my heart for Syracuse, having lived there for ten years. And my dad had been a professor there and my dad had died when I was in high school.

So even more of a sore spot and they let me in.

My GPA was not so great. My assets were not so great. So they let me in.

But I had I been smart, I would have started thinking about a place like Santa Barbara or when I went to law school instead of Albany. Pepperdine. Right. Like how did how did you get that brilliant idea? I grew up surfing randomly.

I know it's doesn't make any sense, but I grew up surfing and my folks had like a beach house on this island called a fire island. You ever go to Florida? Yes. My friends go there all the time. Oh, yeah, it's it's great. So I grew up, my summers were on a gay island, and now the Faroud actually has a bunch of communities that are not strictly gay. It only has two communities that are gay.

But like most things, like if it's a little gay, the reputation is it's all gay, you know.

So, by the way, it is funny that it's a island other nice. Oh, yeah, right.

Like, how could that how did it happen that it became a gay community and it's called Fire Island.

It was probably our own first. And the gays were like, that sounds right. That's where that's where we should be. And they have by far the nicest homes like the rich gays that go. That's their Hamptons, right? Yes, that's true. And the rest of us have, like, you know, just kind of regular places. So there are these other communities. But whenever I tell people that I used to spend my summers on fire and I have to say, like my straight parents had a house of Fire Island because Sex in the City turned it the whole thing into like an orgy.

So, no, it's like you go there, you take the ferry, and then it's like this community ferry where you take the one you can you take the life air ferry, like how many times a week.

But then you get there.

All right. I could never get pets. I was adopted.

I'm just nosing around it. I didn't want to go there directly anyway. So you can run around like, you know, have to wear your your shoes. They've got, like, all these little pathway's. You can ride your bike everywhere. It's a delightful community. OK, so your parents, they were straight. And what did they do for a living?

They owned a ballroom dance school. They would teach partner dancing. Come on. Yeah. My mom was a three time US ballroom dance champion. That's great. Right there. Again, that is also very gay.

So, yeah, are you amazing at ballroom dancing? No, no, I mean, I got I got a couple of moves. I could cut the rug a little bit if need be.

But but my mom I understand that, like Patrick Swayze, the way he became such an amazing dancer was his mom owned a dance studio that dancing like that. So what happened?

What I can bust it down a little bit. I would not be surprised if you had heard maybe if you lived in New York. Did you ever live? Yeah. Yeah. I live in New York. You live in New York. OK, so it was called the Sandra Cameron Dance Center. Right. And I don't know, it was down like at one point in the East Village and then it moved down to like Nolita area. Did you ever take lessons there?

I did not, but I did take lessons out in Chicago at the I think it was when, you know, remember my first marriage before my first marriage, there was Doug, there was Dan.

And we took lessons before our wedding to, like, learn a little routine. And and we were pretty good. And I've, of course, forgotten all those moves. And by the way, you can't do them with it with a second husband because he wasn't there for the lessons.

But you can take more lessons. You can you can you can learn a new dance.

You know, I've also work on that and work on that. So now so you didn't put that much time into it. You're focused on other things, apparently.

Yeah, my mom didn't want to be like a stage mom because her mom was kind of a stage mom. And so she didn't try to pressure me into learning dance, but I think I got some of it down by osmosis. But dance is the best. Like dance could cure all this stuff. You know, when you were younger, I think this happened. I mean, I don't think you're old enough to be younger. And it was part of your regular cultural weekend activities.

But like my dad said, that kids just learned how to dance. Like that was just what you did. Like, you learn how to maybe play basketball, but dance lessons were just part of the norm. And I think it would really help out like all this. You know, these like nerds that I've never spoken to, a girl, and then they're just on the Internet angry all the time, like, what if you were just having dance lessons and then you had to actually hold a female human being and talk to them and be comfortable around them and learn that it's not so terrifying and then you don't develop is like a little insult communities if we've got to get back to dance.

There's no in cells in the Dominican Republic, right? There's no cells in Puerto Rico. There's no cells anywhere where there's dance in the culture. Insults only exist without dance. Any partner dancing, there is no terrorism. Think about this. If there's any partner dancing in the culture, terrorism doesn't exist. That's fascinating.

I've maybe I've been too hard on my producer Debbie Murphy with her little tap dance lessons. I mocked her up in Canada, but I actually do think it was it was important to her wellbeing and it was a stress reliever. And rather than mock, I should have just partaken.

You have a tap dance is just kind of like like you could do all those things without it making extra noise. But you tap dance. It's almost like walking down the street with the boombox on your shoulder of dance, you know, like you could do all that tapping without the metal on the shoes.

But you're like, I want everybody to hear what I learned today. It's just too much, right? Like you. It doesn't have to be that lot like they put felt or something on the bottom of the shoe and then just you do it for you. But now we all got to hear you tapping away. It's like turn the boombox off when you're walking down the street and then turn off the tap because it's so true.

Oh, my God. The the boombox is so annoying, isn't it? Like you'll be sitting in your doctor's office, whatever. Somebody go by the book with a boombox.

It's like, why did we all have to enjoy your music or even the people who, like, turn their car radio up so loud? It's like, really? Why? Like, I like my music too, but I don't feel the need to force it on you.

I know nothing has been more annoying like growing up where you're on the subway and some guy comes on the subway with his phone playing music. Right. He's just playing music off of his phone for the entire subway to like in. And I used to think this is the most annoying fucking thing in the world. And then one day a guy was playing my podcast out loud, oh, on the subway. And I was like. Sometimes this works and sometimes sometimes this can be entertaining for everybody.

So I'm a complete hypocrite is the point of that story. OK, so can I tell you something?

I had I had a this is a side story, but I was walking down the street the other day. I was going to see my therapist, which is critical, especially here in New York. And I was listening to Ayaan Hirsi Ali, who launched her own podcast. And she was interviewing a guy who I would like to speak to. By the way, his name is Vivek Ramaswamy.

He's amazing.

Anyway, so I'm listening to Ian and I passed this cop, this young cop, probably 30, and he is listening to Eion on my show.

So I'm listening to her do her. Sure. He's listening to her on my show. I was like, oh, my God.

Like, the universe is trying to tell me something which is like Ion's amazing, apparently, but on the subject of listening to people, like, do their business out loud. All over New York now, you see people sitting in the no longer sit with books, they sit with somebody on fucking FaceTime. Excuse me, but it's like I don't need to hear the other half of the conversation in this way. It's so annoying.

Yeah, that's crazy. You were overhearing it. Yes. Oh, my God, they do it. I won't name the restaurant, but there's a particular restaurant where you go. It's not like a Starbucks. I hate Starbucks, but it's like a cafe.

Hold on. Hold on. Why do you hate Starbucks? Because it tastes terrible. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stupider than it is, it tastes terrible compared to Blue Bottle. It tastes terrible compared to Gloc cologne. It takes terrible compared to like these other absolutely incredible coffee options that we have in New York right now.

But if you taste terrible compared to New York City deli coffee, I was about to say diner coffee, but you a deli. That's fine. You think Starbucks tastes worse than diner coffee in New York?

I don't think there's any competition I like out of your mind. You're out of here.

I would I can't stand Starbucks coffee, and I'm not particularly into Starbucks.

This whole vibe, I don't know. Why don't you just call it a small or medium and a large? Like, why do I have to use a foreign language to say what I want?

Because everything in there is unhealthy. Everything. Yes, it's unhealthy. Coffee's actually not. Coffee is probably pretty good for you. It's I mean, where are the doctors? Oh, yes, the food. But the fact that they even have food, the fact that you can go to the airport and then you can get some Starbucks, you're like, all right, this is horrendous. I get my little fettah, whatever, federal or whatever, and I don't feel too bad about myself while I'm on this.

Like, I'm just.

Staab, I can't believe you don't like Starbucks now. It's kind of comfortable. I and listen, I'm a comedian. My job is to make fun of institutions. That's literally all we do. I like Starbucks. I like and it's comfortable they get the job done. I also like their politics are annoying.

They kind of well and remember when they were inviting all the homeless into the Starbucks and it was like, oh, it's the right thing to do. It's like, OK, so that's never going to last because paying customers are not going to want to I mean, let's be real.

Like bringing homeless people in can do usually involve bringing somebody who may have a criminal record in who may be a pedophile. And we just dealt with this here in New York. I know it sounds all laudable, like in theory, but as a practical matter, it was never going to work. And sure enough, they reversed the policy.

Yeah, but that's because the guy wants to be president, and I think what happens is like and also no relation to him whatsoever, even though we both have the same last name.

Yeah, I think he wants to be president. He was like trying to do his best. And it's just like I think eventually you have that much success to make that many right decisions that you start kind of believing your own hype. And and I get that completely. Imagine you made that many correct decisions like that guy doesn't have to make too many decisions a year, but he's paid an enormous amount of money for every decision he makes. Right. Because the ones that he does make have huge repercussions.

And it's that many.

Right decisions that you built this into the biggest coffee brand on the planet. Nothing bigger on the whole planet. You probably go. I could be president. I get where your line of thinking goes. I don't understand why you want to be president.

What a useless job that is like you can do so much more by being not president.

What do you make of people like. You're right. I never thought about it that way. I mean, I'm sure they can tell me what they change. Can anybody explain one thing that they do? I do. What is the last president to do anything was Abraham Lincoln ever since Abraham Lincoln? I don't know. I think the president did a single thing. Could you name a single thing that any president did since Abraham Lincoln?

Well, I mean, LBJ signed some important laws into effect the civil rights laws and create the law.

He just signed the paper because the fresher the the outside pressure for him to do it was so strong that he had to sound like a great society or diversity. Right now he's got this social justice hero.

He just wants to benefit from the people. Well, who cares about that?

Like Trump signed in the Anti Sex Trafficking Act, which really helped protect women. But I wouldn't describe Trump necessarily as the most pro feminist protector of women we've ever had in the office.

I love all these, like, bills. Like I love this is a hilarious thing. You just named the bill something like really righteous. And then you sign it like, of course, he's going to sign that. If you mean the bill, the Anti Sex Trafficking Act, you think he's going to veto that? Do you think that Bill comes across his desk? I don't know. I think we got to negotiate a little more because the U.S. can build a site.

It's true. What do you know? Tell me what presidents do. I literally cannot put my finger on a single thing that they do outside of bomb places.

I mean, I think.

Yes, well, exactly. Military protection. And like I mean, George Bush launched a couple of wars that was significant.

That's had such bad repercussions and that's a bad thing. So they do bad things. What is the you. What were we supposed to do?

Forget Iraq? That was a bad idea. But Afghanistan, that I mean, they they had the Taliban.

The Taliban is what gave rise to Osama bin Laden. We should we have not done anything.

I mean, honestly, I was about to give you an answer, and then I just realised I don't fucking know enough. So I just stopped myself. But I was literally about to just lie to you.

I was about to tell the when I was about to say that on the record in the fight. But like, I'm not an expert on geopolitics, OK? I don't know exactly how all this shit works and I don't know who started it. What came first, the chicken or the hummus. But I know for a fact that absolutely nothing ever gets done. We're still in Afghanistan, right? Yeah, I'm still in Afghanistan. I don't think the average person can name three cities in Afghanistan.

Can you name that?

Afghanistan and Kabul. Kabul. We all just know Kabul because it sounds like which is what we've been doing that for the last 20 years. So how do we at war with a country for or with the country against a country where you don't know what's going on there? How we have worked for decades and we have no fucking clue. A city's name in Afghanistan. That's crazy.

It's it was I mean, truly, we can see now, 20 years later that it was in many ways an unwinnable war, as the Russians found out before we got there back in the 80s.

But what we're supposed to do, you know, it's like. Three thousand people died. We had to respond and we tried shock on all that. It just it wasn't an easy battle to win. But we fought and we fought it nobly. We still got guys over there fighting for us. And we're going to need to leave some troops there. I think Biden's got till May to decide whether he wants to pull them all out or not.

But, yeah, we got troops all over the world because once you sort of go in there and engage, you can't just walk out and you can't just leave all the blood and treasure.

Hundred percent sacrifice. I'm not. We just take out the cartridge of blowing it and restart. It's not a video game. These are real lives. And if you're a soldier and you're willing to risk your life for America, it is one of the most noble and brave things in the world. I just want to make sure that the decision makers are using those people are willing to risk their lives for us in the right way.

I'm saying, like, Dolgen is a noble fucking thing man to go. I love something more and I believe in something more than my own life. It is unbelievably selfless. Don't waste that selflessness. Don't do that. Because, you know, I don't disagree with that principle. I just think Afghanistan was a noble war. It's just it's such a complicated region of the world. And it's like that that we got long standing issues over there that not even 20 years with American and other troops can solve.

And we're sort of I think we've come to that reality. But out of respect for everybody who's sacrifice there, we need to need to get out there now.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. That's I don't know. I don't know. And I can say I don't know. Here's one group I can tell you. Just don't be honest. Why are we just going to be honest? Why don't we just. Well, it doesn't sound like. Yeah, but it might be a better policy when we just go in and be like, look, dude, you got oil.

We like it. Oil, OK, we're going to protect your shit. You get to keep a piece of the oil. Everybody's happy. I mean, isn't that what happens in Texas? These big oil companies go to some hillbilly who has some land and they go, hey, we did some research. We found out you got some oil here. You want to be a millionaire like hell? Yeah, I want to be a millionaire. All right.

We're going to suck it up where you do all the work, you get a piece of it. They're like, oh, yeah, we could do that everywhere. And our life is good. Let's just be honest. But stop acting like you care how women dress like. That's the thing that annoys me the most. Right? They're like, look, I'll they make the women dress. Isn't that bad. Don't they need freedom? Oh, they got crazy.

What a coincidence. Stop, stop. For lack of a better word, veiling it. They'll stop. Stop doing this like you care about how women are treated.

I hate that shit.

It's funny because I had Tim Dylan on recently and he was saying he used to be like an aspiring. Yeah, he was an aspiring, like political guru. And he wanted he said he used to be in this place where he was like, you know, we have to support the people of Iraq and their quest for democracy.

And then he sort of got to the point where, like, what am I saying? Went, Well, no, this isn't who I want to be.

And also, they might not want democracy. Like, stop thinking that democracy is the only thing that works. Now, we've certainly seen that.

We've certainly seen that. And that is that I, like you, lived through the Bush administration and through 9/11. And I was an adult when it happened. I was thirty years old when 9/11 happened.

And I do remember thinking, OK, he's got like a blank check to protect us. That's how the American public felt. Blank check. And the Iraq war was definitely controversial. Even when he launched it, he said there were weapons of mass destruction and there weren't there were questions about whether there really were and why he was going there.

Was it to avenge his old man who they tried to take out and all that stuff? But I don't know.

I just think that the quest at the time took to bring democratic values, say why we went there to Iraq, because suddenly it was to get their oil.

Saddam was about to get sneaky with the oil. It's like I to whoever I want, I'm going to go through you guys. And we're like, oh, where is that how you think things are going to work? Same thing with Gadhafi. Gaddafi is like, what if I just create my own protests? So will do that. And we're like, well, that's not how things work. You sell oil in American dollars and that's the only thing that is allowed to happen in any country that tries to do otherwise.

Well, they run into some problems.

They so do you do you look back at, let's say Colin Powell testified before Congress and saying, here's where we believe there are WMDs. And here's the here's the map showing where we see them on the satellite. And so you think that was all all I mean, we know it's not true. Now, he would say a mistake.

You think it was an active lie to cover a plan to go in there and get the oil protect based on my my thorough research by watching the movie Pliss.

Coming up in a minute, I'm going to ask Andrew what he thinks about the Kardashians, about Oprah Winfrey and her interview of Meghan and Harry.

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Let me shift gears with you to something you do know about, and that's the British royal family. I know everything about the British royal family family. I didn't even know how to say I know absolutely everything.

Did you watch the Oprah interview? Yeah, my girl is watching it, so I kind of watch it over her shoulder for a little bit and yeah, it is what it is. I mean, I just don't they all suck. Everyone, you're not you're not in Team Maegan or Team Queen. I mean, what I don't understand is like let's say hypothetically, let's say hypothetically, they were concerned about the baby's skin being dark, right?

Mm hmm. I just find it hilarious that they are less concerned about the baby being inbred than they are about it being dark, like shouldn't they be through the roof that some new genes are entering that bloodline, thank fucking God. Right. Like, isn't that a time for celebration in England? You're not going to have the same, like half targ being born year after year by these families that are just marrying the cousins. It's repulsive if you look at that bloodline.

I mean, it's closer than Charles's eyes. They are close. My God, you're very close, very close. That's what happens. That's what happens when your parents are related. Everybody very long.

Their teeth are very long. They're turning into lemurs. This is what happens.

This is what happens. What happens when you have literally centuries of inbreeding.

Is that. Well, now now I have to tell now. No. Now they're blaming the Americans. Some people are saying what this means. No more Americans marrying into the British royal family. And I have to say, that's not the problem.

That is not the problem. Right. Like, I I'm not on team Megan and Harry at all, but I don't think you can blame the Americans. I think Prince Harry looks as bad as Megan does. He's weak. He's somebody was using the term whipped, you know, like kind of do whatever your gal says. He's not strong enough to stand up for his family or his heritage or the British people. I just think, like, I have no use for either one of them now.

Yeah. First of all, I'm insulted to say they're not letting Americans marry into the British royal family. The way I looked at this is that he married into America. Like you're very lucky that you married into America. This is the ask what you made to the all star team, OK? I mean, it's an adorable little country that got over there, England, right? It's absolutely right. But there hasn't exactly been a great migration from America to England.

You know, the other way around has existed. So let's really get on track here. I mean, like, you've got a lady that writes about magic that has more money than the queen. Get your shit together. All right. It's not like we married into J.K. Rowling's family. That would be something that we should brag about. Oh, shit. We got an American in the Potter film. That's amazing. But the queen of England. Because that even a special thing.

It's a kind of special. Yeah, I mean, it's like goes back a long time. She's got a lot of women, has got a bunch of palaces. What do you mean she has jewels? You should not jewels. She can't sell them. She sells the jewels and she looks poor. So you're a prisoner of the jewels. You really should take them out.

She can put them she can put on a tiara and a necklace and the earrings and the bracelet. She could roll around naked in all of the crown jewels.

And we can't. He was cool when she didn't have the last name. That was cool. OK, nobody knows her last name. You don't know her last name. It's just crazy, too.

What is its name? It's Mountbatten. Windsor. Boom.

That was actually really impressive. Megan, I'm being honest with you right there. I thought you didn't have a last name. I thought she was like a Brazilian soccer player. I thought you just call her Elizabeth, you call Charles. And that's just what they are. I was like, that is kind of cool. That's a good branding thing they got going. But outside of that, I mean, it's impressive that she's still alive and stuff. But who cares about the royals?

Like, it's just it's so stupid.

Like we have real families like the Kardashians here in America not to think about. Sure. What do you think about that? Are you are you a Kardashian fan? Do you watch that show?

No, but I appreciate their influence and stuff like that. I like what they are. Yeah, like what they built. It's unbelievable what they built. From a business standpoint, yes, I mean, from this standpoint, they've been geniuses, but you I asked them, I sat down with all of them and interviewed them together.

And I asked them this directly, like, are you a force for good or a force for evil? And there's a real debate about that in the country, as you know, given the selfie culture and the big bottoms. And I'll surgically enhanced but presented as though it's not. Yeah, I think that there is no good or evil with them. I think they're just eyeballs and they will take the eyeballs through good and they will take the eyeballs through evil.

And all they care about is attention and they will get that attention in any way possible because the attention is currently. So that is the name of the game. And but it's better that they look like that if we have to look like look at them all the time. I mean, imagine they were ugly. We had to look at them all the time. That would be so unfortunate for us.

So it's like the Richard Nixon presidency and I ugly and that he was not an attractive man. It was. He was.

There should be two. I don't know.

I think I like I don't like what the Kardashians have done to like selfie culture. Like, I think they created it.

But on the other hand, I confess, I do click on the I click on the pictures like when you see it on the Daily Mail and it's like, oh, Kim Kardashian just posted this. I can't help myself. It's like, I don't know.

You can't move your eyes. Yeah, it's it's weird because did they create it or did they monetize technology that we were all going to lead into anyway because we're obsessed with ourselves. But I don't think that they created the idea. I want to look better than I am now. Right. They were just the best at it. You know, it's like it's like when the Greeks always say like they invented math and it's like, shut the fuck up, you idiots like you.

Like you thought that people didn't know how to count before you.

You thought they just looked at things and they were just like, oh, be great if we have a system to figure out how many of them there were, it's just the most absurd thing in the world that anybody could invent math. Math exists. And then you figure out the thing that exists. You don't invent it, you know. So like they're just the Greeks of being sluts.

I, I think they invented sort of the the half nude public photo.

I don't remember that being so ubiquitous before them.

And now you see, like the Vanity Fair after party, after the Oscars, you see these models or like wannabe actresses, they're wearing nothing wearing like I think the most classless dress is where there's basically a tube top.

And then right above the pubic area, the skirt begins. It's like, oh, I miss one. We used to wear clothes and we left something to the imagination.

It's it is tricky. It is tricky because the imagination creates the desire, but the nudity gets the eyeballs, you know, like you've got to care about someone to imagine. Like, I don't know if you've taken any naked pictures for any publication, like, I don't know mean to me that recently there would be more interest in seeing you naked than seeing the Kardashians because we've seen it already.

Yeah, well, I don't mind saucy pictures, saucy pictures of one thing like showing everything like at the Oscars. I just think that's different to me.

That's just I love when women celebrate their own sexuality. I think that's awesome. I hate how feminism has gone to this place where you're no longer about to be sexy. Somehow that's diminishing. I don't accept any of that. I'm just saying I like when women choose to be sexy and own it. That's good that we shouldn't be ashamed of owning that piece of ourselves.

But like a little goes a long way. You don't have to be naked at the Oscars.

So what's the I guess what I'm trying to figure out now is like, where's the limit? And then who gets to decide the limit? I do, because whoever is at the whoever is at the limit, in order to have a competitive advantage, somebody is always going to go a little further. Right. Like like we can put all this pressure on men for, like, creating societal standards for women. But the reality is it's like we're only going to have sex with women.

Right. We're not going to like, OK, well, if women aren't shaving their legs, we're going to have sex with goats. Right. So you can decide to do absolutely nothing to your body so you don't have to shave your legs. You have to shave your pubic region. You don't have to put on makeup. You could do absolutely nothing. And we will be lining up in the exact same way to have sex with you, because that's what we've been doing since the beginning of time.

Right. There was no waxing. There was a Brazilian wax job ten million years ago, whatever Homo erectus was. All right. So what I think happens is women, in order to get a competitive advantage against one another, are going, oh, she gave her legs. Well, I'm going to shave my pubic region. Right, to save your pubic region. Well, I'm going to get electric laser shot into my pores so the hair never grows back.

It just keeps on running up each other the same way that we do it with cars. It's like, oh, that guy's a Ferrari. Well, I'm going to get a Lamborghini encrusted with diamonds, blah, blah, blah. It just sucks for women that, like men, are so shallow that we really value aesthetic over everything. Well, but it's so it's so random, right, because it's like who decided that pubic hair was unattractive and that you needed to wax it all off to turn on a man, you need to make yourself look like an 11 year old boy in order to turn on a grown man.

I don't get that. Like, well, and then and then, like, the fashions change, right? Like the landing strip is what you should have known over the triangle, though. Like full on Bush. Sorry, forgive me. Or just nothing. Right. Like you got to go for like the prepubescent. It's weird. I don't understand trendiness on these issues. Yeah. I also don't understand like the it looks like a little girl so I.

No it doesn't. It just looks like an adult woman with no hair like. No, no, nobody sees a naked porn star. Right. Instead of the girls. Is that a little girl. Right. Like, whoa, that's a hot chick that doesn't have pubic hair. Like what happened? Pubic hair. How did it get unattractive? I guess I don't know.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I never understood that, like, metaphor analogy that people use to be like when you see like Michael Jordan with like a shaved head, you're like he looks like a baby, right? Nobody does at all. So how did you become attractive? Girls wanted a competitive advantage to get guys. And they're like, OK, guys don't like leg hair. They probably don't like they don't like armpit hair because they don't like hair anywhere.

And we should just get rid of all the hair that exists below our eyelashes.

And now some men do it, too. Now you see, like some guys who have clearly had laser treatments on their chest, and it's not it's not just like they've shaved their hair. It's like they'll never see another hair there again.

Yeah, that's bad. I mean, like I shaved my pubes the other day way too low, like and I just look like a detective that's been at work all night, you know, it's just it's just stupid. I look like Enrique Iglesias. That's what I look like. Just look so dumb.

But I think I'm like, oh maybe my fiance, I like this or whatever. It's it's it's it's dumb.

Oh, so you're engaged. OK, I didn't know that.

So so is it worth it must be very hard for her because like I'm married to a writer and I'm always worried that something I say or something that happens in our relationship is going to wind up in one of his books. And I would imagine it's a thousand times worse for her to be engaged to a comedian.

Oh, yes, she knows it's happening, it's if she says something while there's something funny happens, is going to be on a podcast, it's going to be in the stand up, but it's easier for her because she doesn't want any attention at all. She, like, hates attention. So she's like private on Instagram. She doesn't want to be put in pictures or any of that kind of stuff, which works out for me because I want to protect her from all this, that I want to protect her from any, like, Internet scrutiny because she doesn't want it.

Like she's not asking for that. Like, this is my career. She shouldn't have to suffer because of that. But but yeah, she knows it's going to be on the podcast, but at least she doesn't have people like writing comments underneath her pictures, like, oh, I was so dumb, the thing you said, or blah, blah, blah. Right.

That takes a special level of thick skin. So. So she's not in the industry and out of the entertainment industry at all?

No, no, no. She's getting her masters. And did you have you ever dated celebrities or people in the industry?

Oh yeah. Maybe a little bit like people. Yeah, maybe, you know.

What do you mean maybe I guess I don't know who's a celebrity anymore. There's no more celebrities. There's just there's no more. Justin Bieber was like the last universally famous person. Wait a minute. Outside of vice president. Yeah. If you said these women's names, would I know them? Maybe.

Maybe no one. Maybe something, maybe.

I don't know what happened because like, sometimes when you have two people who really need attention, it doesn't work out.

You know, if that was that was the issue. But, yeah, that that definitely can be an issue. But sometimes I'm just, like, picky, like, I won't sacrifice my joy, you know, like, I just admire Mormons so much because they can just be uncomfortable. Like whenever I talk, like people who, like, left Mormonism, it's it's like kind of pretty traumatic for them. But I think it's traumatic because they're like, why is everybody else around me happy?

And I'm not normal, you know? So it's like, you mean it.

Yeah. No, no.

I've often thought, like I was saying this to somebody recently, like, I, I want I want to become a Mormon before my kids get to the age where they're going to start drinking and wanting to do drugs and things like that because Mormons do a good job of not doing that stuff.

Yeah, they really lock that down and they're like sweet people. We were just in Salt Lake doing shows and they're like really sweet people and they're like amazing business acumen. They've got this incredible ability to, like, build wealth within the community. And yeah, they're just a fascinating people. And we look at them like they're these like weirdos. And there's some odd things about every religion, I'm sure, but like genuinely nice people that have created like a really nice city to live in.

You know, they're they're like the gays, you know, it's just it's just don't wear the full body underwear.

Well, you haven't been to the right party and far out.

And that's all that's true. That's there's no question that I just think that it's it's kind of cool. So are you going to have kids?

Yeah, I'd love to love to have some kids. But she you know, I don't want to put any pressure on her. She's still finishing her her degree. And then, like, you know, she'll join the the workforce for a little bit and then we'll take advantage of that maternity leave. That's the Gulf. Just get her a job and then immediately knock her up. That is, take advantage of the matriarchy or whatever that is. Yes, it's usually time after you squeeze another human being out of your body.

It's just like being on vacation at the spa.

I know, right? I mean, it's just the easiest thing in the world. I mean, is it that hard to get it out like you think that we'd figure that out by now through evolution?

Right. So can I tell you it wasn't for me because I had three C sections and my kids are always asking me. Yeah.

So I think it was actually kind of lucky because my first kid was what they call transverse, which means like sideways and oh I thought you can ram.

So if you said your first kid with trance and I was like already like no he came out, I could recognize immediately he would be called the baby. Right. Right. So I was just like chillin in there. Like, what was it like Kate Winslet and the Titanic, which she was getting drawn by.

Not at all.

Oh, he was at like he was like, let's say two o'clock. They would be like two forty. If you're looking at your hands on a clock, you know what I mean?

Like Diagonal and Miyabe say, like either try to go, you know, naturally and you'd be in labor for thirty hours and then I'd have to do a C-section on you or we can just schedule a C-section. I was like, I don't need to be here. So let's schedule the C because I love these women who make you feel like you didn't actually have a baby. If you have a C-section, it's like I still have a baby.

I see the baby anyway. So then I had the other two by C-section. And like, honestly, you're an. For a couple of weeks after and that's it, it's not I I didn't find it that unpleasant, although your body springing back is a different story.

Takes a little bit, right? It takes a little bit. Sure does. It's funny, too, because you'll be sitting in there about to give birth and they always say to you and your husband, now, remember, you can't have sex for six weeks after the baby's born.

And of course, the husband is like six weeks and the wife is like six weeks as soon as six weeks.

I mean, it takes like a year to come back from an ACL. And that seems like way less than a birth, you know. Yeah, I know. I feel for my fellow women who went the other way.

But also you have to look at it like this, like you must have gotten it back because you had two more babies.

I did. And you want to know how I did it. Had to do it. I always say women are selling like the breastfeeding sort of super Nazis, they are selling breastfeeding all wrong, like I guess it's best for the baby and every mom cares about that. But what what we really need to get motivated on is how how to get rid of those extra 30 pounds and all the saggy flesh that's nearly all over us breastfeeding it it like snaps everything back into shape.

And you by the time the baby's like six months, you're burning off between five and 800 calories a day just by sitting there.

It's awesome. That's amazing.

Can people breastfeed when they don't have kids and just live and breastfeed? I asked that I would love to find a job.

Like how did the witnesses do it? Like how I've heard I've heard stories about like if you adopt a child somehow you can get the boobs fired up, like it would be brilliant. And that way you would never have to exercise. We wouldn't even need the vaccine. Just get all the fat people breastfeeding. Then they won't be fat. They don't die from covid.

And then we're good to go open up the country. Coming up in one second, we're going to talk to Andrew about when he had covid and also he's got some strong thoughts on Sacha Baron Cohen. Does he like that kind of comedy or not? But first, want to bring you a feature that we call asked and answered here in the Making Kelly Show. And that's where we answer some of our listener questions. Steve Krakauer is our executive producer. He's got the question for us this week.

Hey, Steve. Hey, Megan.

This one came to us at questions at Devil May Care Media, Dotcom, anyone can email and we try to answer questions every week. This one from Kimberly Hahn. She wants to know, how do you do all the research and watching the news without being scared all the time? I want to be informed. I also want to leave my house tips and tricks on how you compartmentalize all the information we're fed each day.

That's a good question. I think, number one, remember that the media exaggerates most things they really do is sensationalism, sells outrage, sells drama, sells, especially when you're watching cable news. So if that's how you get your your information, but also broadcast news. I mean, I've worked at ABC and NBC and they all have this knee jerk instinct to forgive the term, but like sex it up. Right, to make it sexy or as sexy as it can be and to lead with the thing that's scariest.

So try not to get all of your news from television. I think the papers are actually better at this. And try to get your news from multiple sources right. Read from the left and the right. I do think that the left is prone to more hysteria, but trust me, working on Fox for all those years, they like the if it bleeds, it leads approach to they'll definitely go for the most outrageous stuff.

So just remember that and discount everything you're hearing by a factor of 20 percent. I'd say that's sort of how I stayed calm during the whole covid thing. I'm like, I know it's real, I know it's serious, but there's absolutely one hundred percent chance that they're enjoying playing this up. That's how they are. It's disgusting, but it's true. So just remember that. And honestly, like, you don't want to live your life that way. The more time you wallow in fear, the worse off you are in this world.

Like put down the newspaper if you have to. Like my sister in law, Diane, she's lived most of her life not really being up on the news. And she lives in Cape Cod. She's an oyster fisherman. She's great. Got a great story. She went to Duke undergrad and Harvard for grad school, and now she's an oyster fisherman on Cape Cod.

But she's a happy person. You know, she started getting into all the avenues and the vaccines and all that. She's got a little less happy, I think, because she's getting closer to the news. So to be honest, the news can stress you out. But I think not to be too self promotional, but you're in the right place. I think one thing we do well here is we don't discuss the news with Histeria and we'll continue to do that, because if you go to hysterical people to deliver you your facts, you're going to wind up a little bit more hysterical yourself.

We're fine. It's all going to work out in the end. Hefti, you know, more than a grain of salt, a big old boulder of salt, when you listen to journalists trying to tell you the sky is falling and read a book, hug your kid.

And remember, I think it was Barry Weiss or maybe was it was Yllana. I'm trying to remember who it was. But they said, remember that the things that matter most in your life are generally within 12 feet of you. Right. The things in the people.

And that it doesn't even include me, but it includes your family and your friends in your home, yourself and your your love. That's where you go. That's what matters. Sky has not yet fallen and we're all going to be OK. Thanks for the question. Back to Andrew right after this.

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Almost 80 percent.

Do you think it's that they die of covid or not being able to taste food for three days? OK, but I think it's it's underscores the folly and, of course, the folly of closing the gyms as a worst time to close the gyms.

That's true. Get people in the gyms immediately. Did you get Korona? No, no.

Don't come to Florida. You will get it immediately. I had it already back home. But everybody on my team that moved to Florida with me got it within a week, literally with every single one of them. Yeah, it's a guaranteed rite of passage. You move to Florida, you get Caronna is that is what it is. One hundred percent. But did people care? I heard people don't care about Kolo down in Florida. If you wear a mask, it's almost looked down upon in a lot of places.

They're like really like people love to tell you that they don't do the mask thing. That's what they go. Yeah, we don't do the mask thing.

The thing I really like about it is I took a cross-country flight and I fell asleep. And if it saves your dignity when you fall asleep in, your job falls open.

Yeah. Good point. Good point. Also, everybody's better looking with a mask. There are advantages to the mask.

Not Prince Charles with his beady little eyes.

Yeah, Charles doesn't have a good mask face but but yeah. I mean it covers up the British teeth though. I mean maybe that's why they're like there's a new strain. They just keep making up strains and they just cover their fucking teeth. So see what happened to you. And you got it. Was it did it level you?

We were actually in the middle of doing the Netflix special and we got it. And I mean, it was whatever it wasn't that bad. I mean, I'm in pretty good shape. It's just kind of annoying. You just like knocked out for ten days. You just lower energy and you're tired easier. But yeah.

So it was OK. I was, um.

Were you scared at all? No, not really. To be honest with you, I wasn't I wasn't really scared. No. I mean, maybe a little bit in the back of your head. I was more scared than like if my my fiancee got it, if something happened to her or if my parents got it because they were around me and then I was in some way responsible for their death, that was terrifying for me.

But yeah. How old are you. Thirty seven. Yeah. So, yeah, almost no risk from this thing. So are you going to get the vaccine now. Because you know. Yes. Whatever the question about whether you need it after you had it.

Yeah. I don't honestly. I don't know. Do we do the vaccine. Like let's get back to normal. What do you need me to do to get back to normal. Yeah I got yeah. I mean like do we do the vaccine, do we not do the vaccine. Like what happens. But we need to get back. It's been the year. Come on. You're one of the few people for whom covid has been, I think, great professionally, and I like you the way.

Yeah, you you found a way like you, you know, it's just like the evolutionary process. You found a way to keep getting your comedy out there on YouTube, which became huge.

And like that the number of hits on those videos, which is where I first saw you, and the Netflix special. It's like your career taking off in this thing. Yeah, I mean, the way I look at it is like I mean, I knew this was going to happen because once I saw, like, the late night shows and all the other comedy shows, like once they started producing stuff out of their homes, I was like, oh yeah, this is a home game for me.

Like, you're competing with me at what I do. Right. So I've had to compete with you guys without all the flashy lights and a million different camera angles and the fake crowd and all that kind of stuff. So it's like once once they were on my field, I was like, oh, it's done. That's all. This is guaranteed to the moon, dogecoin, whatever it is. Yeah. And I just got a great, great team of guys that are just like, you know, we're all on the same page with what we want to do, what we want to put out.

And we just decided we're going to go out there and just murder shit this year. And it is it is weird to be like you had the best year of my my career happened during the worst year of most people's lives. But but yeah, it is you've got to be able to take advantage of things.

I don't know.

You've got to realize that you're you're one of those businesses where your career doing well helps the rest of the people do well.

You're, um, you're in the business of making people laugh. That's what. Do they need more this past year other than. Yeah. Yeah, right. I guess I like to look at myself in that way at all. Like, you know, we, I'm doing this selfishly. Right. Like I enjoy making people laugh because it makes me feel good. Like once, once you're an entertainer and you start acting like you're doing something for a greater good, you're just lying.

Like that's what annoys me about Sacha Baron Cohen. Like, he was so funny before he pretended to be this. Like activists like, dude, you're not an actress. You need people to tell you you're good and funny and smart. You need it or else you get depressed and sad. OK, so you create these characters. And to be honest, you're kind of a douche bag, right? Like let's take advantage of people who let you in their home out of the kindness of their hearts and then humiliating them for like millions of people and lying to them on the process of humiliating them and then letting the lawyers fight it out when they sue you after they were nice to you and then you humiliated them and misrepresented them, but went.

So I don't even have an issue. If he did that, if it was like a prank show, I'm like, OK, that's fine with all the prank shows. They're absolutely hilarious. The second he started going, like, my comedy exposes racism and sexism and Islamophobia and anti-Semitism and all this nonsense. And it's like, oh, dude, do you really think that we need you to tell us that racism exists in America?

Right. Could you make us laugh yet, dude? Exactly. Just be like, hey, I'm a douche bag that takes a bunch of people and makes millions of dollars. And that's what I do. And we'll go, yeah, funny. You're the funniest douchebag. But the fact that you acted like you're exposing something. Oh, shut the fuck up. Shut your mouth. That's what I feel. I don't want to see stuff. I don't like him either.

I do.

I don't like mean and he's mean. And like, when you got people feeling sorry for Rudy Giuliani, you know, you're you're mean. I felt bad what he did to Rudy, like, I don't know, just the whole thing. I just like every time I see him, I'm like a trigger. I just like he's nasty.

But it's he's sort of a bigger version of the late night comedians who are also mean and not that funny. And you know that that home gig is really exposing it's exposing how badly they need the audience sitting in front of the applause signs. That's the thing. They're not mean. The late night guys. They're just. They want to be invited to the party, and this is something that happens when you get in L.A. and like most of these guys, most comics are losers, right?

Like they never got laid. So they started doing comedy. Right. So they're just kind of nerds and like nerds get to sit at what they think is the cool table. It's really exciting. And then when you act as if they could have their seat removed, they'll do anything to keep that seat. So you get guys who are absolutely hilarious earlier in their career, like Jimmy Kimmel, just completely, you know, turning into these like, I don't know, just kind of like maybe like left wing mouthpieces just to keep their job.

I guess, like, I really do care completely notice. I don't care if you're like a left wing or right wing nut. I don't care if that's what you believe in. But the fact that you're completely changing who you are to fit the model, that is the shows you can keep buying houses and fucking Utah wherever you want to live. It's just so corny to me. I just it's just not funny. I feel like we witnessed that happen.

We all witnessed that happen with Jimmy Fallon, who I think is is much more likeable than those other guys.

But of course, he surrendered like he he got hit for having that fun interview with Trump or he ruffled the hair. People are like, you normalized him and then he tried to go political and like anti Trump and it didn't work. You could tell it wasn't authentic and it was just awkward.

Yeah. I mean, you know, God bless Jimmy. He's always been awkward to me. I don't. Yeah. I've never thought I'd really like to hear Jimmy have a discussion with somebody. I think that they did a brilliant job of of just creating games out of the show. And the thing that they did different than I thought was really smart is made the celebrities look vulnerable in the games. So instead of Jimmy getting a pie thrown his face, it's Ariana Grande or some famous person that you would never see in a vulnerable moment.

And I was like, oh, that's genius, what they did. And they'll use Jimmy's likability and then create these games. And it's fun.

But yeah, once he, like, went political and then they just all put it out, that's the thing. It's like the second there's a little bit of negative feedback. They get so terrified because they think that the Internet is reality when it's not reality, you know, and and yeah, that but that's you know, that's the thing is like when you have your own platforms, like you have your own YouTube page, Patreon or podcasts like your own, you only have to be loyal to your constituents.

Right. You only have to be loyal to your shareholders, if you will. But if you work for NBC or even Netflix, you have to be loyal to their shareholders and their constituents. And their shareholders are not a monolith. Some of their shareholders might be upset at the shit you say some of their shareholders might like it. And those people that are upset are loud enough. They can potentially cancel you because ABC or NBC has to be loyal to their shareholders, not to the show that they're putting on.

So you're always going to be vulnerable to that with the current system that we have unless you control your platform.

That's right. In other circumstances, they can use whatever you say as an excuse to get rid of you for whatever else is happening behind the scenes that they're upset about.

You know, it's like, is that at the mercy of these?

No comment that they're allowed to talk about that.

I'm not even allowed to talk about whether I'm allowed to talk.

Really. Let's just say let me put it in general terms. Why to say my industry is so fucked up because when media people get in trouble, you're fighting media people who know how to manipulate the media and do an all out assault on you.

So it's it's like high level jujitsu. And you might have been trained a little, but you're never going to be trained as well or control as many outlets as the big companies do.

So whatever narrative they want to put out, they can put out and you can fight back. But it's teaspoons in the ocean. One thing I like about you is you're totally non pissy. I even I have a very high bar for all conversation and jokes and discussion.

And I had a couple of moments where I was like, oh my God, I can't look at the screen and watch some of your stuff. But I, I like that. It's refreshing. You're not afraid to go there? No, because I don't need to be right. I'm telling you how I feel and how I feel is sometimes wrong and sometimes it's right. But it is how I feel. And I think comics that are good comics and get things right and pundits to do the same thing can express that they have a feeling without saying that that's how the world should be saying, like, yeah, I'm sure sometimes we're like my girlfriend, my fiance, whatever the hell term we have to use.

But I'm sure there are times where she wants to just, like, punch me in the face. Now, that's a wrong thing to do. And she doesn't do it, but she felt like she wanted to. I'm not going to be angry at her for that feeling because that's, I'm sure, relatable feeling. I'm sure a lot of people want to punch me in the. Matter of fact, it might be the most relatable feeling that she has in terms of like the general public.

So as long as I put things out there in terms of how I feel and not dictate whether things are right or wrong, I think that that's something that people can respect because you're just being honest, you know, now.

But do you get so in a way, I I hope this is a compliment.

But in a way, you remind me of Dave Chappelle, where he just says the most incendiary things that you are not allowed to say. You are not allowed to say that you can't use racial stereotypes or short forms about black people, about Asians, about white people, but Italians about what? And you're like, no, I don't follow any of those rules.

And your audience laughs. They're there with you. They and they can't all know what they're getting when they go to see Andrew Schultz.

Some may not know what they're. But I've never seen people recoil in horror that you've crossed the third rail of politically correct comedy. So is that. Well, I don't know.

Is it scary for you in today's day and age of weakness to be as bold on that as you are?

No, not at all. Not at all scary. Now, this is this is just funny. This is what we do also. I've got the most diverse audience in comedy clubs. So it's like when I'm telling a joke, I'm saying a joke about an Asian person or a black person. Right. I'm saying it to their face. With other black people or Asians or white people or Jews or Muslims, whatever it's happening to them, and you get to see how they react.

So instead of like a bunch of, like white ladies coming on the Internet and being offended on behalf of someone else who isn't even angry, you get to see how they react in the moment. And there's a trust that's built up because I've been doing this for over a decade. Right. And these people know me and they know my heart and they know what we're all signing up for when we come out to the show. Right. Everybody's taking part of this, right?

It's a dodge ball game. It's like when you go to play dodgeball, you're upset if someone hits with dodgeball. That's what you signed up for. So, yeah, I don't I don't worry about it. Matter of fact, it's like I relish and these are the times where, like, great comedians get to be born. Like great comedians come from times of censorship. They don't come from times of say whatever the fuck you want. You name any great comedian.

Throughout history, they were pushing back against something. There was some sort of institution where, you know, that the general public didn't like that made their voice valuable. If you could say anything, then when you can say anything, comedy becomes like irreverent and it becomes absurdist. You know, you're talking about like like a Zach Galifianakis types really thrive when you could say anything, you know, because we're like, OK, well, what is there to push back against?

Well, we'll push back against the institution of comedy. There's no institutions to push back against. Well, we'll push back against comedy itself. But when there are institutions that push back against when there is some sort of like cultural unrest, that's when comics who are confident in their feelings and believe in their feelings tend to thrive. So it's cool. Well, and you're what I've noticed is you're an equal opportunity offender, there's no group that's safe, which is what makes it so fun, like everyone's going to get it and they and they're laughing, too.

And one thing I noticed about you that I don't I've spent a lot of time at the Comedy Cellar, which I freaking love.

Not all comedians laugh heartily at their own best jokes, but you have to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm funny.

That's why I. Is that what's happening? You're genuinely cracking yourself up.

Yeah. Like those two times. Well, two ways I laugh onstage. Right. Like one way I'll laugh is like if something happens in the moment that is just so wild because a lot of moments that I share on YouTube, I have like an hour of material that like I'll do on the road, but I also will just, you know, mess around with the audience. And like you, we'll have these crazy moments. Like just last week in Salt Lake, there's a guy and his girlfriend is at the show and then the guy next to the girl just so happened to have had sex with the girl before the other couple started dating.

So it's just like this crazy occurrence that will never happen again. And we haven't recorded it. So, like, we put that out. So these things are always fun. These things are happening for me as well. Right. So I'm seeing something happen in real time. And I'm like, oh, that's really funny that that happened. And then the other reason why I laugh is I can't fucking believe that I'm able to say these things out loud for a living.

Like, I'll just say something and then I'll just kind of chuckled myself because, like, this is a crazy way to make a living. What the fuck just happened now on the tightrope?

Yeah, but it makes no sense. It makes no sense and it makes no sense.

So were you always funny? Mm, yeah. Yeah, became known to the world that way. Yeah, I was I was yeah, I was funny and I valued being funny. I always I always and I value people that were funny. I really admired people that were funny, you know, like older. I didn't have any older brothers, but like my friends who had older brothers, if they were funny, I just loved listening to them take jokes and bust balls and I just thought they were the coolest people.

Like, you were funny. You were the coolest guy to me.

Any place funny was just my aunts were really funny. My mom, Scottish and like Scottish women, have like a real sharp wit. Like I get my my wit from my the women on my mom's side. Old same. And it is I mean, they're just they were brutal, they toughened me up, they toughened me up. Those women were brutal and oh my God, the dudes couldn't keep up with them. They would run the house and they would tear these guys down.

It was unbelievable to see. So, like, I also maybe a little bit tough when we come to the gender dynamic stuff, because I just grew up with, like, really strong, successful women.

So, like, when I hear like these like chicks went to Harvard crying about how hard it is for women, I'm just like, sweetheart, grow the fuck up and get some better role models to me, too, that there's nothing more incendiary, more infuriating than seeing somebody with a ton of advantages playing the victim and acting like everything is as undermine them. It's like I was just talking about this after Rush Limbaugh died, because one of his most controversial moments was when he was referring to this Sandra Fluke as a slut.

He called her a slut. It's not a nice thing to do. I get it. But Rush was part comedian number one. A lot of his bits were done with that sort of tongue in cheek attitude. And no to Sandra Fluke took in, testified before Congress about how we all needed to pay for her birth control. And it was outrageous.

She was pissed that birth control can can run up the bills every month. And how was she supposed to afford it?

Meanwhile, she was a Georgetown law school, Georgetown law. Like, give me a break. I went to Albany Law School. Somehow I found a way.

Sandra, try harder. Yeah, but, you know, it's weird. It's like, yeah, I'll pay for your birth control. I don't think guys are pushing back on that that much, but I know there's one thing we're probably going to pay for its birth control. What do this? Because I know they got to cover it up there. So I'll pay eighteen dollars for a cocktail, but I refuse to pay 30 cents a month for all women to have birth control.

You raise a good point. Rush did not feel the same.

You see this happen all the time where like, I actually kind of like annoys me that like there's like this like pushback against feminism. Right. Which you see not only this modern, like third wave or fourth wave. I don't know how many fucking waves are out right now, but.

In its inception, the way like I digested feminism is it's almost as if, like some dudes snuck in there and convinced women to become awesome, you know, like literally you see these marches where girls are like, I want to be able to free the nipple. And it's like this. Is that really your idea? Or did a guy convince you guys to take your shirts off? Because, like, we should be able to get apportions girls like we need to make equal money so we could work, like we could pay half of the bill.

And it's like, yeah, this is awesome. Like, guys, shut the fuck up. Just let them do this shit, OK? Because we're on the same page finally.

Right. Never lose it. It's a choice that way. Feminism is for men. I think we make it's better for dudes like I get to I get to pay half for dinner. Girls get to walk around topless all the time. If we make a little mistake. She's sat down to take care of it. It's like coming with us and that you no longer have to hold doors open for us.

You don't have to let us pay when we go out to dinner. You don't have to pay when you go out to dinner. It's like there are a lot of advantages. You're right. I think it's real.

I mean, this seems like feminism seems like it is a bigger disadvantage to women than it is to men like. I don't know, it just instead of like having your bra hold your boobs up all day. You've got to just let them fucking hang there like. Brass seems convenient. Right, like that could be good and that could be bad. My mom, my mom always jokes my mom's going to be 80 in July. She always jokes that when she was younger, she she was a thirty eight S.

But now she's almost 80. She's a 40 for long.

She needs the bra. She can't burn that bra.

She never wears one. She never. I'm like, mom, you got to wear a bra. She's like, I don't like it's uncomfortable. Meanwhile, there's this story that lives in infamy. And my family of when she went, it was it was like it was almost parodied in the movie Swingers.

My mom and the family went out to a diner. She's sitting on the one end of the booth. And my sister, whose daughter was just a baby, is right across from her. And my mom's going, How big is Emily? Which is the baby so big with the arms above. That's so big. And there's a guy in the booth behind Suzanne and Emily, like staring at my mother. And my mother is like, she can't take her eyes off of me.

He can't take his eyes off of me. Look at him. Look at how it's truly half of this is parody in swingers. And my mom's like, I still got it, which she always says she's always I still got it.

And it turns out my mom didn't have a bra and she still she left every sweatshirt as she's going so big.

So I'm showing her tits. Yes. And they're so long now. They like the forty four long she didn't.

Oh I love that she got those Aladdin slippers. That's what happens to Texas.

They keep going in the slipper. What do you mean.

I don't know that in the movie Aladdin, you know she wears the like the like pointy at the tip. That's what it's turned into. I certainly hope not. Oh, God.

Swinger's movie changed my life. How right is just like the most amazing movie I ever saw in my entire life, especially at this, like I forget exactly how old that was when I saw it, but like my whole life changed in that moment after what was spectacular. I just really I was born. He was amazing. He basically taught me in that moment, like, you can be charming and charismatic. So women and they will appreciate it. What showed you that in that movie?

Like he would go up to these girls, he just say wild stuff and have these crazy stories and like take up his friends and like, look how cool my friend is and yeah, we're going to do this. And like, he was just this crazy schmoozer. Right. And like, the way that he would talk about his cool his friends were so that the girls would see value his friends. But it also made him look cool to be so vulnerable to, like, dig up his friend instead of himself.

And I think before that, all my examples of, like male role models were either like Bruce Willis, like like in order to get laid, I got to save America, which was a lot. Right.

Or a super romantic movies where, you know, our love has been etched in stone and yadda, yadda, yadda. It was the first person I saw that like reflected what I thought my personality was. And I didn't know that you could use that personality with the opposite sex and that they would find it fun and entertaining. And immediately after that, I was like, oh, that's how you can meet women in court, women. You can have fun with them.

You don't have to, like, pretend you're in a fucking romantic, not even romantic comedy. Some like romance novel. And you're so beautiful and I love you. Your hair is this long for you and all this other nonsense. But you can actually treat them like human beings and like be charming and fun with them. And it was just so cool to see that I don't get me wrong. If we watch the movie now, I'm sure it's like douchy and sexist and all this other stuff, but who cares?

Yeah, but at its core, I thought it was really cool to show that, like women, like charming guys, I think they want a knight in shining armor when it requires a knight in shining armor. But I think that a knight in shining armor all the time is exhausting in doing I mean, like, yeah, I do. I don't know. I think it's like you're insulting women's intelligence by acting as if you can't engage them intellectually.

And I think banter is what I think British people call it, is an intellectual endeavor. Like it's fun to, like, exchange wits with someone. And I don't know the women. I've always connected with value that and I've always valued that in them. And I think. I think when society is critical of, like hot chicks that just have nothing else, that's what they're actually critical of, they just don't know how to express it. It's almost like I I understand you're hot, but I still want to have banter with you.

And if you think that you can just be hot and not supply any better. That's almost insulting to me. You're going to wake up with a loser, you're going to want to believe that, yes, the hard things like women, they got to work on developing their whole personalities, because if you're just going to go off your looks, you're going to end up with a loser.

That's the truth. Yeah, yeah. And look, you should have some like maybe it sucks to say this, but, yeah, I think I should try to be successful financially to feel like there's going to be a time where your girl can't do anything because you just squeeze the baby out. She got to look after that for a few months, like you should be able to hold it down. So that time period, if I was a girl pretty vulnerable, I'd like to make you feel like you're secure.

So I don't know if that's sexism. You called sexist if you want. But like, if my girl goes, hey, I think I'd like to take a few months off after squeezing a human being out of my vagina. Can you hold it down? I'm like, yeah, that's the point. That's that's my job. So maybe we need a little bit of sexism in a perfect world.

You've got the woman has a good job in her maternity leave, is going to make that whole decision a lot easier. But yeah, the partnership and I mean, I love what you're saying about swingers because I love that movie, too. And Vince Vaughn, I mean, it's what made him a star and his character was utterly charming. And I'm sure you relate it to it because he was funny. He was quick. He was clever.

And I like what you said about how he he built his friend up. That's so true, too. I think that's attractive in either sex, right. Not to be threatened by your friend, but to be showing them off, but to be supporting them, to be building them up.

Yes, it's attractive, actually, like someone with the confidence to big up their friends. It to me, I'm looking at that person like, oh, you're so confident who you are that you don't even need my validation. You want my validation to go to your friend.

That's hot, right? It's true.

You're so money, you don't even know it. You're so money. You don't even know it.

Megan, do you watch a lot of movies like is that is that what do you do in your spare time? Like how do you refuel that brain with new information for your act?

I don't know. To be honest with you, that's a great I just try to feel things and like cemetery. Right. Jokes about things that I don't have any connection to. It doesn't work out. Yeah. It's like I need to go.

You seem like you're watching the news a lot because your your humor is so timely.

Not even to be honest. When we were doing the weekly pieces where I do the like rants, we would do an immense amount of research. And it was like it was a painful amount of research so that we could be like, right. But when we're just busting balls like I again, I just like to soak in what the story is. I meant to say how I feel about the story. You know, like what is my knee jerk like when I found out, like China was doing, I was like anal swab tests, you know?

Oh, my God.

It's just to tell tell the audience what you're talking about because that was horrifying.

So, like for foreigners, if you want to go to China now, there's a new covid test that was developed. It's actually more accurate, they say, and the swab doesn't go up your nose. It goes up your rectum. Right. And my knee jerk reaction to that was, you know, why do Chinese people need to get one hundred on every test?

You know, like, what is it? Ninety nine. Good enough, right. Like, what's the pictures that ninety eight. Like, I'll take a ninety eight. So like that's, that's just that's the type of way that I can write jokes. I just have to feel something. I can't manifest it like there's some comics. They just try to say the funniest thing about Ruber. I don't care about that.

I want to feel something about the topic that's hilarious and so disturbing. I mean, we're upon no one ever went to visit China again, ever. Who would do that? Who would consent to walking around China? And everybody there goes, whoa, you really want to be here?

Why are you laughing? They know what you went through to have Peking Duck. That's a big sacrifice.

And the story was we we had a bunch of diplomats go over there, the US and many of them were subjected to this and this the story was they complained because they felt it was undignified. Do you think.

Yeah, send me back that I'm not we're not doing this. You don't put anything in my book. I don't care. No, no. Oh, my God.

I mean, that takes like the TSA search that we find undignified to a whole new level.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's just not going to happen. You're not going to do it. Send me back now. I would just say send me back. You're not going to put anything.

I don't have I don't I don't put anything on my own, but I don't do that to Mike to me. So you can do that to me.

Let me tell you on this describes that a lot of sexual experiences, a lot of women have had and discussed.

Let's get something straight back from the tables while it's just anal. Right. That's all. It will feel a thing.

I never understood that I never understood why people even want to explore that whole it just doesn't make sense to me.

Straight people, you mean? Yeah, well, gay guys got to do it because that's the only option. It's not like they want to.

So the only option, but it's I mean, it's the only option where you guys still get to have nice conversation.

That's what they're doing. It's the only option where you can still have eye contact, you know, the important things about sex rehab, maybe not.

I don't know. It's just so weird.

Like, it's just this it's almost like this Manifest Destiny thing you've got like, well, I feel bad for the girls today because, you know, back in my day, the men had access to, like, Penthouse Penthouse forum, but there was no Internet when I grew up in the 80s.

And now these kids are like looking at the dirtiest, most disgusting, weird porn that no one in real life does, and trying to convince these young girls that that's a thing. Right. Like, that's what everybody's doing. This is sex is like it's ruining sex for both parties.

You know what? You're 100 percent right. And people get so fixated on these stupid issues that involve sexism, like is this cartoon character or sex is like when they don't realize that there's an entire generation of young people that are probably now adults that grew up watching porn and thinking that's what's sexist. And the problem with that is porn is for men like it's not for girls. There are girls in it, but it's not for them. Right. They like I know a lot of girls that say they watch lesbian porn.

And I'm like, yeah, that makes sense, even if you're not gay, because at least they're trying to make the women feel good.

So it's like put up with the lesbianism because they're like, well, at least I can imagine that I'm that girl and there's someone that wants me to feel good in the porn. But there's all these girls to grow up thinking that's what's normalized sex is. I'm shocked that this is not like a story every single day.

I crazy like, you know, who's been raising the alarm about this? Pamela Anderson.

Gary, Pamela Anderson has made this one of her this and Julian Assange. Those are animals. Those are her three big causes.

But she she knows a thing or two about this weird industry. She was never a porn star. She you know, she gave pictures to Playboy.

But you had the porn at the video. It's adjacent. It's well, that but that wasn't like her willingly engaging in porn, right? Wasn't that just like a home video of action that then got released or stolen?

It was stolen out of their house, stole. And you're right. It was stolen. Yeah.

Yeah, she's I've talked to her. She's actually I mean, I don't know how to say this, but the phrase it's coming to my head is she's a good girl, like she's she's smart and she's thoughtful. And she was like she had a really interesting outlook on Harvey Weinstein.

Like she said, like the women, they need to think long and hard about why they accept an invitation to go right into his hotel room at eleven o'clock at night for for a meeting.

And I and I could defend the women all day long.

But I just I like different thinkers who are like, remember this, too? I was Pamela Anderson.

I never did that. I had lots of opportunities. But my mom in Canada told me, beware.

Right.

That's interesting about one thing. You know, I don't think it's enough. Ship with wineskin is the people that protected Weinstein because, like, they're going to be Weinstein's in the world. Like, obviously, this guy's a douche bag and he should die in jail. But like, there's going to be more versions of him. Right. And. Women should be able to complain about women to and also, by the way, there's Weinstein's four dudes in Hollywood, too, like this is the big kept secret.

There's a bunch of like gay casting directors and a gay producer sat there like take advantage of these young actors and they're doing the exact same thing. But nobody wants to talk about it. But that's fine. But so there are people that protect the ones. In other words, there are girls that complain about that time in the hotel room and then they get silenced. And that I have a huge problem with because they're going to be other Weinstein's. And you should be able to complain about these people and have your complaints listened to and heard, and then those people should be able to get those people in trouble or this, that or the other.

But when when the person who is the victim of this sexual assault complains and then is told to shut the fuck up by a bunch of people who are still around, I'm sure now and have received no justice at all, that's when the system completely falls apart and someone feels completely helpless.

So you need to look no further than, you know, people like Meryl Streep calling Harvey a God at the Oscars.

I think it was a God or the Globes, whatever one of those one year, which is a message everybody was reinforcing about him, even though there were rumors about what a shitty guy he was for a long, long time, which people either had no desire to look into or just didn't want to believe, notwithstanding the proof staring them in the face.

Yeah, I mean, like, again, it's the same thing as Sacha Baron Cohen.

They just want to be invited to the party. They just want to be able to make the movie. And they want the best. They need the attention. They're addicted to this attention and they are willing to look past absolutely anything in order to continue to get it. It's an addiction.

So let me ask you a question, because we're sitting here in a breaking news, just came in across the wires chatting. It's kind of a little bit relates to the discussion we had at the top, which is, you know, Piers Morgan, right, of good morning press.

Yeah. Whatever happened is seemed like he was out.

Now he's the the statement is and he's been hosting Good Morning Britain with his co-host, Susanna, for a long time. I was just on the show talking about Marcal and Harry following discussions with ITV. That's the network Piers Morgan has decided now is the time to leave. Good morning, Britain. ITV has accepted this decision and has nothing further to add.

Mm hmm.

What do you think it is of that? What do you think? Been embattled. He's very anti Meghan Markle, which he has been. And look, I guess the better way of saying it is he's not drinking the Kool-Aid on her.

Right. He he doesn't it doesn't seem like a fan.

But yesterday he was really going off about the Oprah interview.

And I I agreed with much of what he said.

I thought that I'm not I'm not a big fan of Megan and Harry and their their victimhood knee jerk to everything.

Like, have you ever seen such privileged people play the victim on virtually everything else? I've had it. And no message of like, you know what?

We had some rough times, but we're good. We're still I'm still a prince. I'm still a duchess, or at least, you know, sort of at some day Archie will be a prince. And we live in a 14 million dollar mansion in Montecito next to Oprah. And we just signed one hundred fifty million dollars worth of deals with Netflix and Spotify. So we're good. We're good. Don't worry about us. No, that wasn't in there, right?

It was like said, everyone's out to get me the palace, the press, my dad, I. Yeah, OK.

So anyway, that's so Piers is kind of he's very protective of the queen and was sort of going off on what an insult it was.

And then today on the show, there was a guy who he was arguing with and the guy just kept like saying what was all that matters is her lived experience appears because she kept saying, but but her facts were wrong. She said that she wasn't going to be a prince because of his skin color. And what the what we've all now said now, thanks to all the press, is that Archie was never going to be a prince. That was an edict handed down one hundred years ago until Charles became king, because I don't know something about the way the rule, the rules work anyway.

Any thoughts on Piers Morgan out at Good Morning Britain?

I could care less about British TV, so. And who's on it also any any man that says I'm not a Meghan Markle person immediately. Anything else they ever say I don't care about.

I said that I was paraphrasing or him stop it.

But do don't like like not any man that has an opinion on Meghan Markle. I don't care about anything else you say ever like wait Meghan Markle has got you riled up. Like it's just I understand why people even care like this woman she became she married into the royal family. What did she think that meant? She I mean, like what does she think that you just married to the royal family and then you just go on living your life as normal?

No, there's going to be responsibilities and you better show up to those responsibilities. You're getting paid to do nothing. So you're going to wear the stupid outfits. You're going to curtsy, you're going to go to the whatever it is not Independence Day parade, but like removing other countries Independence Day parade. Is that so celebrated? But I'm just saying, like the least you can do, right?

The least you can do for all the money and advantages that you get to be. Attached to the royal family is go through the rigamarole that is the royal family, just fucking shut up and do it. And if you don't want to be part of it, so you don't want to be a part of it and then shut up again and leave with class, leave with class like she left.

She was a B list actress here in the United States who we never would have wanted to hear from had she not married Harry. Now she's getting a hundred and fifty million dollars because of that family, because that because she married in and they accepted her. And there's no there's no gratitude. There's only slings and arrows and complaints.

I'm not on her side. All her bitching and moaning about how hard she had on the royal tour when we've had a year of doctors and nurses laying their lives on the line, watching people die around them without complaint. But she can handle the royal tour to Australia.

Yeah, no, she sucks, but she definitely sucks. And but so does like I think it's beneath Americans to care about royalty from any other country. Like, I think it is beneath us to give any fucks about the British royal family, like what I hear in American care about it. I'm just like, come on, come on, come. What is this like lying? So, you know, are concerned about the opinions of sheep.

These are sheep. And what I mean is a sheep.

I like myself for caring shit. I am looking at a whole new light. Why do I care?

I don't know why you're better than this. You're an American. Come on. We already looked at this. We handled that. That's years ago. Now let them go. Have a little fun.

We had to do it one time on NBC about whether an American should curtsy to the queen. And I was saying no, why would we?

We're not one of her subjects. We fought a whole war, do we? Not one of her subjects. And of course, at NBC, it was like, oh, that's rude.

You're you know, you're being rude and like, I don't think it's rude. I'm not her subject. Why would I? I don't like that's where I draw the line.

I think it's embarrassing that Canada still has the queen on their money. That's pathetic. It's absolutely pathetic. Like, get the queen off your money. Are you your own country or you not? It's a very simple question you have to ask.

So in the case of Canada, you know, I'm just look, there may be a little bit soft, but like, come on, stand up for yourself.

You're not part of the what do they call it when that doesn't sound like Canada, the kingdom near the kingdom. That's right. But, yeah, it's just a little it's just I don't know. It's just a little silly. The whole world. I don't get it. I mean, I get maybe in the movies it's nice to be a princess or this stuff the other way. Like if I want to curtsy to the queen then I'll curtsy to the queen.

But you're not going to tell me what I have to do.

Canadian Debbie, my tap dancer producer, is telling me that they have whole highways named after the queen in Canada.

It's like rename it. They have what Canadian do they have to really name things after Janice Dean, she'd be one Justin Bieber and the the first what is that woman's name? What is the man? I feel like the moment. That girl. The country music star. Oh, Shania Twain. Shania Twain. That's a great highway. Wayne Gretzky. You know what I mean? Like they've got a lot of Ryan Reynolds, Great Highway, Drake, Trex, Canadian, Khairy, like there's a lot of people you can name, highways that you don't have to name a highway after the queen, like get on.

They built the highways. Did the queen build it? Yeah, you raise a good point, I think she did actually, didn't she like her people or money like that counts if she built it and then she gets her name on it?

I guess that's her the.

Well, anyway, maybe here in New York, we'll get an Andrew Schultz way. You know how they name streets here after somebody who did the city proud.

I'm Al. I'll nominate you. I go out within the city. They love me here. Yeah. Honestly, Magon, that would be pretty cool. I get the whole statue thing, you know, I get it. But then again, maybe I'm just supposed to exist within my time. Maybe that's my maybe that is my destiny and I have to exist in my future.

Future generations don't need to know about you. I don't know. I don't know. I know it. I don't care. I just want to I want to ride this to the wheels, fall off and then whatever happens later, that's cool, you know, but like, yeah, maybe that's my role. Maybe that's my role in the ecosystem. I have to exist within my time and then be as impactful, but also just be a good guy to the people that I meet and, you know, let the good life be a good guy.

It's not that hard, right? I love it. Ride it to the wheels. Come off. Andrew Schultz, what a pleasure. Thank you so much for being here. Nice to meet you. You're great.

Don't miss Friday's show. I've been trying to get this man since we launched the program and he finally said, yes, Victor Davis Hanson, I mean, he's like the godfather of perspective. When I listen to him, I'm like, I don't make sense now.

All right.

Very conservative guy, way more conservative than I am, but brilliant and can explain everything from Trump to Biden to immigration to, you know, the Equality Act, all that stuff. In a way, you're like, huh? OK, so he makes digesting the news effortless and isn't afraid to go anywhere. So you're going to love him. He's he's up on Friday. Don't miss it. Subscribe and great. Give me five stars. Don't forget to download and give me a review, will you?

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