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You're crazy.

What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vial files, Going deeper edition. I'm your host, nick, joined by the household. We got Sweet Sweet White Justin, Leia, Ali, Cierra, and the love of My Life. Nelly Joy.

Why is Justin the only one who gets a Sweet, Sweet, Boy Justin? Why is it not Justin, Leia, Ali? I think it's strategic.

You always say how you struggle with knowing what name to say next or how to pronounce it.

You think I'm just warming up.

It's smart to say Sweet, Sweet, Sweet, Sweet, Sweet I will someday.

I don't know. Well, first of all, I tried to give Ali a nickname. Old Faithful. She hated that.

She did hate that.

I envisioned myself as Mount Rushmore. Just like old fat dust. Crusty, dusty, musty, rusty.

And Leia is what? Nothing to you? I'm going to call her Scooter from now on after that Thirststrap photo.

Oh, my gosh. Me? Wait, that's a good one. That's a good one.

That's actually really good. Scooter. I'll take it. Have you seen this photo? Oh, my God. Show her the photo.

Oh, my God. Justin, do you still have it?

We were discussing posts on Monday I was asked, nick, of various thirst traps that we may or may not have posted. And this was the first one Leia served up as, What is this a thirst trap?

To be fair, it was my decision to do that one.

Yeah, Justin drove me.

I'm finding it. Can you put it up, please?

It's a good photo.

That is a great photo. This is my thirst trap.

And it's like the comments, Please more. Looks amazing. No, keep them coming.

Why do we have the comments up?

It's a cute little dump, to be fair. That's a nice photo.

That's a cute dump.

That's a very nice photo.

It is the scooter one that is...

Why are we doing... Why is this happening?

The scooter one is rough.

It's giving it the photo though.

We need to frame that. Can we please frame that and put it in the office? That is rough. We should replace your book with it. Right up there with Ali. Yes, I want this framed. I want Allie's... How old are you in that photo? Your forehead shot. The Bath one?

Seven. Her forehead shot.

No, the forehead photo.

Just a picture of Ali's forehead? I was in That was great. So I was seven.

Anyway, we have a great episode for you today. The iconic Count Luanne. What's Luanne's last name?

Deliceps. No, Countess.

Is it Countess?

She married the Count.

She married the Count. Count would be a man. Super fun episode. We had a great time.

Countess.

What a hoot.

Luanne Deliceps. Great outfit.

Yeah. We were dancing. We were listening to music. We were feeding Giovanni. We were feeding Giovanni. If you're getting ready to have some fun because we did, Luanne. We also rank some other... We scoured the internet for some of the greatest hits ever created by reality TV stars. Yep.

That was fun. That was a time. I wish we did Paris Hilton.

I thought about this retrospectively.

She would have won. That's true.

But her music is good.

But that was the point. I wanted to keep going, but Ellie put the kapash on it.

The kapash.

She said 45 minutes. Old Faithful.

Old Faithful put the kiposh.

There.

Okay. Anyways, it's a really great episode. We obviously didn't talk about Women Tell All on Reality Recap. I guess we'll talk about it today. We didn't really miss much. You know what my favorite part of the episode was? It was just a reminder of how excited I am that we have dived deep in Bravo World. It was right after, and we'll get into this, right after I was on the old X or Twitter or whatever you want to call it. I haven't watched this week's episode of Vannerpump in preparation for next Tuesday's Reality Recap. But the internet did serve up a little clip from that episode of Sheena very proudly talking about her orgy with John Maher. Then, meanwhile, I'm watching Women Tell All, and Jessie is just like, So, one of the craziest things that happened this season was when Sydney told Maria, allegedly, Did you say, Shut the fuck up? As if this was the craziest shit that's ever happened on The Bachelor show of all time. Meanwhile, Sheena's like, Yeah, I had a fucking orgy with John Mare. And Brox was like, Yeah, babe.

And that's on Bravo.

And I'm just like, just, you know.

Two very different shows.

Two very different shows. Takeways from Talal? Sheena, did you have anything? Sheena. Did you just call me Sheena? Oh, my God.

I looked at Cierra, too. I was like, Yeah.

I got Cierra's new nickname. Sheena's Scooter, Ali's Old Faithful. No. What did I do to you guys?

Sierra. Sierra, look at me. I'm so sorry.

I'm going to have to sit with this for a second. I'm just kidding. I need a moment to process. You go hard on her, so I'm like, Excuse me. We are not the same.

She goes hard on herself. We're just commenting.

I went hard on her this week. It's fine. What did I like? Okay, so I did think it was interesting. Everybody was coming for Maria in the beginning. It was Sydney and Lea. Lea, Jess. Then I thought it was interesting how you could tell that the crowd really loved Maria, and then all of a sudden, it was like, Apology Tour. Did you guys notice that?

Oh, yeah. These girls were like, Oh, shit. She's popular. Fuck. We need to be friends with Maria. Fuck.

We're not winning this. It was so interesting because they were just like, No, you, no, you, no, you. Then as soon as Leah ran crying and came back, it was all of a sudden like, I'm so sorry. I really wish I would have gotten the chance to get to know you. I don't know. It just runs me the wrong way. I don't like the fakeness of it all.

Some would say it was a Maria toll.

Well, I'm pretty sure Maria is going to-On her Bachelorette train. I think this was the Maria as the Bachelorette debut.

They were holding up signs that said Maria for President. Genuinely. I was like, there's more signs for Maria in the crowd than there was for Joe.

Well, Jessie was just like, When it opened up, and Maria's here, it's like, Okay, we expected that. It is the fucking women tell all. She's not on this season.

I tell you what I love about the first opening of the show is when... I think her name is Lauren. She's licking cream or something, and then Autumn is holding up a sausage. It's like, Are we supposed to remember these things about you guys?

I'm so confused. Oh, I forgot all about Jess. I forgot all about her. It's amazing how quickly you forget about these people.

Then Sydney did the cheer thing to call back to her. I did a rewind.

I was like, What is she doing?

I'm like, Are we really supposed to remember your tiny little moments?

No, it's like, Babe, we forgot about that. And thank God. Then you decided to be like, No, wait.

I'm going to bring a sausage to the women's tell all and hold it up when they announced my name. How long were you holding on to that, babe? It's giving campaigning for Bachelor in Paradise, too. They're like, Look, I already have my opener. That is going to be their opener.

That's what tell all has really been about is it's a tryout for Paradise, but I don't even know if Paradise is happening. I've heard rumors that it's on pause.

I've heard that, too.

Why would it be on pause? Why would they do that?

Well, it was an epic fail last season. I think it wasn't interesting. It wasn't good. We hated it.

None of the couples survived.

Everyone hated it. None of the couples survived. That's not that… I mean, this was a terrible track record, but there really no compelling characters. It was air following the Golden Bachelor. Golden Bachelor was obviously super popular. A hit. A hit. Ratings like almost ABC saving ratings for the Golden Bachelor. Yeah. And the lead-in to Paradise and just an epic fucking fail, which is really disappointed because many people thought that Paradise, just a couple of years ago, was their best show. It's a shame to see the demise of Paradise.

I do think this cast would have been better.

Yeah. Maybe they'll bring it back. I don't know. I don't think there's anything. Nothing's officially been announced. I think it's still being decided, but I think they're trying to figure out how to prioritize Golden and Paradise and things like that.

Have they started filming Golden Bachelorette?

I don't think so. I don't know.

We don't even know who it is yet.

But they're teasing it might be one of the three women, right? They keep returning.

Susan. Leslie. We know. Sandra. I thought Leslie was a top contender because everyone here is like, Minneapolis is so popping. We have Love is Blind and Golden Bachelorette. Okay, Insider.

I mean, Leslie makes the most sense. I think they're still trying to cast men. I think it's going to be a real challenge for them to find- A bunch of successful men, 50 and up, that want to live in a house.

It's so funny. A guy my mom was going on a couple of dates with, and they still remained friends. But she was like, I don't think I'm really interested in him. He sent her a screenshot of someone from Golden Bachelor. Reaching out, trying to cast him. And I was like, Could you imagine if he went on this show, then became Golden Bachelor, and then they casted you, Golden Bachelor, and you were just dating the same fucking guy? Hey. That'd be a good storyline. I love that. We could have just done this in Alabama.

I'm almost like, pitch it.

Honestly, send them a good idea.

We'll see. There's new sheriffs in town over at Warner Brothers running the show. The people who made Paradise, as great as it was, aren't there anymore. The people who made Paradise last season, it was their first time making Paradise. Oh, right.

It showed.

We will see. We do have to I'm going to talk about the card, the stupid card.

Leia's card, throwing it in the fire.

No, no, no. Well, that, too. Kelsie's. No, Kelsie's card. The big reveal. Oh, my God. Why are they trying to... Why they want us to hate Kelsie?

You called it so hard, too. You're like, This is not going to be that big of a deal. And then it was just like, I just want to confirm how much I love you.

Well, it's like, Don't make it so obvious that the producers are producing. Because only a monster would write a card saying, We need to talk. That Then say, I just want to say, I miss you. What the fuck?

How did they get Kelsey on board for that? Why Kelsey? She got some extra time with him.

Yeah, they probably were just like, Hey, you want to go talk to Joey? We sent him a card. We made you It was like a psycho.

We want to give him a heart attack.

Yeah, and he looked like, again, Joey's going to pick Kelsey. It's like that face was just like, Are you fucking leaving? When you know who you're going to pick on that show, your greatest fear is that person might leave because then you're just like, What the fuck?

I'm glad that he stood up for himself, though. He was just like, you know that my biggest fear is that I'm going to fall in love with someone and then they're going to leave. Then you write me a card that says, We need to talk with no other context.

If anyone says that to me, sorry, I'm shitting myself currently. As soon as I read that text, period, I'm not okay.

Don't get mad. We need to talk.

Or call me when you can.

That's the worst.

I'm not okay. Clearly, she didn't write that. I don't know why they're trying to get you to hate Kelsey.

She felt bad after, too. Of course she did. She was scared. She's like, I'm not going to pick.

She saw the card. She's like, What did they make me sound like? Holy fucking shit.

Humboy is in tears. He's just like, Fuck. I'm like, Nobody deserved that.

She walked in. She's like, So what did it say?

Can you actually read it back to me?

Just jog my memory, please.

Because there is zero chance. Kelsey was just like, Hey, guys, can you just send Joey a note and just keep it real vague, cryptic, even?

Honestly, I really want to- Make him think I'm going to go home.

All it was was, I miss you. I missed you today. Just really wanted to confirm our feelings for each other. What?

They probably were literally like, I don't know, just go say you missed him or something. It'll be really cute.

Well, they made her write it, and I feel like I caught this on my own. But when she wrote, We need to talk, there was a comma instead of a period. I thought there was going to be more. And then they showed the note and I was like, No, that was- Or she was like, We need to talk.

I'm missing. They're like, No, stop right there.

Do over. Don't go any further. That's enough.

Yeah, just real mean of the producers for Kelsey.

But I do think that he's going to choose Kelsey. I'm like, all the feels, all the feels looking at her.

Yeah, which, I mean, if we are right with our predictions, Maria is going to be the bachelorette, Kelsey wins, I am shocked that Where's Daisy? That Daisy is not the bachelorette. Should I go find her? I would love to.

We got all the good ones I do think Maria will be very entertaining.

She's obviously a great choice, but Daisy just has a great story. The whole end of the rap video. Honest to God, that video might have ruined her chances. I'm not kidding. I remember having dinner with who used to be the show owner of the show, and they were no longer the show owner of the show, but we were catching up. This is before I was named the Bachelor. It was after Caitlin's season when Ben was the bachelor. I think Ben, again, was always going to be the bachelor, but I got with Caitlin's season, and I was just taking the summer off. It was Summer of nick. I didn't go back to work right away.

It was summer of nick. Okay. Hot boy summer, I guess.

No. I was all fucked up from the show. I started working out and shit, and I was posting fucking thirst traps, and they were like, That ruined your chances.

Stop. The thirst traps did?

Yeah, they're just posting, I'm working out, and arguably- Like the little fuckboyish. Dushy fuckboy type of shit. When a video comes out of Daisy singing where she's in a song where he's like, Suck on my nuts and lick on my balls, they might have been like, I don't know. How about Maria? Honestly, to God, it might have always been Maria. She's clearly super popular, but it's possible.

I feel like Maria's following is what secures her spot because everybody loves her.

Well, we'll see. We'll see if we're right next week's finale.

I mean, I actually did get her own little segment, so I'm like, There is a chance. I don't know why I'm so team Lexie.

I love Lexie.

Lexie would have been a great option for sure. I think this is the season where they actually have two or three really solid options.

The people have spoken, I guess. I'm like, with the signs and everything.

But they keep saying that this ending is going to be like, Oh, my God. If Kelsey wins and Daisy doesn't, usually... That tells me, if we're right, if Maria is the bachelorette and Kelsey wins, That tells me that this finale isn't as great as they're claiming.

I'm just playing devil advocate because I haven't really watched until this season in years. But I'm like, Don't they say that every year?

They do. But I have been... Even people on the show, in private, were like, It's an amazing ending. It's like, It never happened before. I'm like, Okay, we'll see.

I think if Maria is the next Bachelorette, then my prediction would be that maybe Daisy does something bad in the finale. That's what it felt like to she was crying in the preview for it, and she was like, It's not supposed to feel like this. Maybe she breaks up with Joey. That's my thought.

Why would that necessarily be bad?

It's not bad. It's not bad.

That would be just something that doesn't typically happen on the Bachelor.

We feel like that'd be a little bit empowering. She's like, You know what? This isn't for me.

It depends how she leaves.

Yeah, not if she doesn't like Claire.

Yeah, I guess if she's like, Fuck you, stupid idiot. Right.

If she's like, Actually, I'm not feeling it.

No, man, whatever.

If she breaks Joey's heart and everyone loves Joey. Joey's a great bachelor.

Joey loves Kelsey.

Yeah, if he wasn't going to pick her, then his heart wouldn't be broken. If she's like, Bye. He'd be like...

It depends what happens. My thought, though, is that if Maria is an ex bachelor, then what did Daisy do in the family?

Well, if she's an ex bachelor, then holy hell.

There's a lot of work that needs to be done.

You never know. It's 2024. My favorite theory online before we saw Kelsey come out as the front runner, someone, I think it was a TikTok She was like, My theory for why it's different than it's ever happened before is that Daisy is the final pick, and he gives her a final Daisy instead of a final Rose.

That actually would have been great.

It has never happened before.

I will say the opening scene of the first episode where it was like Ocean Eyes, and it was like the overview of the car, they used that for Rachel. It was like Rachel shot her driving away. But in the opening scene with Ocean Eyes, it made it seem like someone leaves him. Okay. Maybe I noticed I was like, I don't know.

I do know the internet's making a huge fucking deal about it being obvious that I think maybe the last rose ceremony that Joey, in fact, gave Kelsey the first rose and not Daisy. I'm I'm like, How? That happens on every rose ceremony.

Are you talking about a couple of weeks ago? Yeah, I don't know.

I saw that. Guys, spoiler. That happens all the fucking time.

I was going to say- Who cares? I think they were trying to throw us off, too, by giving Daisy the It rose first and then give it like, Is it between Kelsey and Rachel? We weren't. You know what I mean? Maybe Kelsey is his second choice.

They definitely don't show the roses in order. They don't even show limo exits or entrances in order. They don't show any of that in order. I mean, that's not news.

To me.

You didn't know that?

I didn't know that. Editing. Who knew?

The show is edited. But I do think they are trying way too hard to make us think he doesn't pick Kelsey. Yeah. We need to talk.

Oh my God. Natalie, I heard you saying something earlier about Paradise.

I was. I was talking about Paradise because Taylor and Travis are on vacation in the Bahamas. I love that.

Where?

In the Bahamas. The Bahamas, which I I'm assuming.

It wasn't an island.

I read that.

What hotel room?

Bahamas.

The Bahamas, yeah. I saw Rachel Cercannell post in the Bahamas, and I was like, This is stunning. I I've never been. It looks so beautiful. I want to go. Let's go. Is she with Taylor & Bro?

Rachel? Yeah. Should we ask? Don't you have a number?

I do, yeah. I could ask her. I think she's there for the food festival. You know her and Matt are very much into these days.

They are, yes. I think Matt's very into food, and she's like, I guess. All right, here we go. Yeah, so good for them. The honeymoon phase is going strong. They are.

Travis is trying to limit his cussing on their podcast, New Heights.

Okay. How's that working out for him?

I don't think very well. No. Yeah, I think he fails 10 minutes later and dropped a couple F-bombs. Jason, let the people know what the fuck we got. I'm sorry. I'm trying to reel it back on the F-bombs. I feel like I have a terrible sailor's mouth.

Do you think yours is worse than mine?

At times, bitch.

Okay. Fuck you.

But are we going to stop cussing when River can hear?

We're going to have to work on that, and we probably need to honestly start now because we do swear a lot. Does your mom ever comment on my swearing?

No, she's never comment on mine either. The other day, I was like, I have said fuck a lot in front of my mother, and I feel like I would have never done this a couple of years ago. Is it my fault? Maybe. Okay. Maybe you're a bad influence. I don't know. But I also think like...

Oh, also, just big announcement. Today, Natalie's mom flew back home. No. We want to shout out to her. She was very helpful. She'll be back. I honestly brought her in a couple of weeks.

You guys were sooner than later, actually.

I'm like, She actually missed her fight. She's coming back.

She's on her way back. I told her the wrong thing. I just want to give a shout out to Natalie because this is the first time Natalie has left our daughter with a babysitter who's also a friend, but still not the same as mom. Yeah, not the same as mom.

It's a big deal. I I have quite the fear of her building a bond with someone that's not one of us or grandma. It's the idea of her loving her babysitter and then being like, I don't know. It's sad. They change so much.

We haven't put her down since she was born.

She's getting so expressive and she's laughing and smiling at you, and I'm like, Oh, am I going to miss? Is she going to laugh and smile at the babysitter?

Probably, yeah.

I hate that. I'm honestly, I think I would be worse if it was a stranger that we hired off the street, but she is Nick's friend. Shout out to Shug.

Actually, yeah, our babysitter is Shug, Sugarlyn, who for the OG VialFi listeners, Shug has been on the show before.

She probably, honestly, will pop back in and say hi.

But yeah, Shug was like, Hey, I can do this. And we're like, Okay, amazing.

Yeah. She's really sweet and she is great, and River just needs to be rocked and her diaper changed and fed. But it is, yeah, that's my fear is like, she's going to bond with someone, and then she'll be like, Mom, I want the nanny.

Do we care if our daughter swears?

Well, when?

Well, That's what I'm saying.

First word.

Do we care? Do we care if she swears? It might be. Do we care if she swears at all? Or just as long as we teach her not just swear around society, be like, Hey, babe, only at home.

Once you step out this door.

She's like, Fuck shit, balls, fuck.

No, I think we do that trend that everyone's doing where it's like, if you need to let some steam off and you're angry, you can go to the bathroom, but you can only be by yourself.

She's going to say, Motherfucker. Because when I get mad, I'm always like, Motherfucker.

You are. Yeah, you are. I don't know. My sister cusses a lot in front of my niece, and I think for a long time, she just knew that she couldn't say those words. She's like, mommy's an adult, so mommy can.

But you know that means that as soon as she goes and plays with her friends, she will be fucking saying that shit.

But I have a video of Scarlett playing with her toys, and she didn't know that I was videoing her, and she's just playing, and she dropped something, and she goes, Damn it. Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to say, damn it. It's so cute. So I don't know. I don't know. I probably won't reel back on the cussing.

I do know that I'm more concerned about other things in terms of teaching River rather than making sure she doesn't say a couple of made-up of made up words. Speaking of made up words, boy, I'm really these ladies on the tell all. It's just throwing out the word gaslighting, having no fucking clue what it means.

It honestly looked like Lea was a little nervous to say it. She was like, Y'all are gaslighting.

Gaslighting, is What do you mean? Now it's point blank period. Now it made me never want to say that again. They make it all uncool when they say it on tell all.

What does that even mean point blank period? I don't know.

We've said it before. I got to learned it from you.

I definitely...

I think it's just like end of sentence. It's like point blank.

No response.

It was cool at first.Conversation.

Over.yeah. A little cringy.

I never want to use it again after hearing it until all.Point.

Blank period?Point.

Blank period.

Well, now it's just turned into period. What'd you say?

I do say period, and I'm coming to the conclusion that it is annoying. To everyone listening, I apologize.

I don't think it's annoying.

I think it's different when it's written. Because I'll comment on someone's thing and be like, period. But I think saying it in response to someone is annoying. Annoying now.

When I start saying it, it's not cool.

Yeah, I would agree. I feel like definitely since you started saying it, I wanted to start saying it last. For sure.

I don't think it's as bad as saying, That's crazy. I love that's crazy. Because that's crazy to me is like, I have nothing to say, but that's crazy.

No, that's crazy is, Shut the fuck up. I don't care anymore. Yeah, exactly.

It's so crazy.

That's when someone's showing you too many photos on their camera roll. That's crazy. You're like, That's crazy. A vacation in Hawaii, that's crazy.

You have your dog on its That's crazy.

That's so crazy. Your lunch today. That's crazy. I love that one. If you don't get that memo of that's crazy, it's stop talking. You need to look You learn to learn.

Isn't it, though? Oh, my God, I have more. That would be me. Yeah, you learned to. When I'm telling my long 20 minutes stories now, I was like, That's crazy.

You're like, You think that's crazy? Listen to this.

Then it's like, he didn't even finish his first story and we're on to something else. I tell nick all the time. I'm like, I'm the whiplash I have from this story. I've gone on such a roller coaster. I have no idea where we are.

Especially when I'm dabbling in substances.

I don't think you should say it. Say it's substance. It sounds like heroine.

That could be anything. By the way, when we bleeped it in the last episode, everyone was like, What drug is he doing? What drug is nick on? Why would they bleep weed?

No, because then it's harder for them to make it a headline. It's just like...

nick Vile is on some drug. We don't know what.

I do not care if the household, when I say household, I mean everyone listening, speculates, whatever. I don't have a ball.

It's me saying there was leftovers that made people speculate.

They were like, of what? But it's like the nefarious image of nick in the backyard doing something and Natalie's just holding your baby at the window. Like, think of whatever.

Look at your father.

Should we start rolling up dollar bills on our counter and just leave him there?

Why?

Too hard?

Interesting. I don't think so.

It gets the people talking. No, just a little...

Are they doing that in the valley?

God, the segues.

They're doing everything.

I think anyone who sits at that desk is obsessed with a good segue. Yeah.

What am I? It's the news reporter. Do you remember when you brought something up one time and I immediately segued and you were like, huh?

This is a pop episode. You read your headline a second later. Leia starts a new headline.

Speaking of, it's like, holy shit, we just started talking. What about my headline? We can just talk about a new topic. We don't always do a segue. It's like we talk about a topic, our audience will be like, what the fuck?

Our brains are just the whole time like, how do I segue? How do I cycle? How do I cycle?

We're literally- Do you want to do Valley more than Sheena and Vannerpump? Well, we're not going to recap. Obviously, that's reserved for R&R.

Sheena was on the episode of The Valley, so they really go hand in hand.

Yeah, It was the premiere of the Valley. We're excited to talk about it in Reality Recap along with... Obviously, Reality Recap is going to be a big episode because a lot of it will be the bachelor finale. We hope that it is riveting. But what is riveting is that Sheena wanted to keep us guessing. She could have just said John Mare.

My Body is a Wonderland. She pretty much did. This is a game of...

God, who do you think it is? John legend, possibly?

What is that game in the newspaper? Werble? Sudoku. Sudoku. Is that the cross and numbers? You need a crossword. Yes, I do need the crossword. That's not the same thing like you.

Thank you very much. Lucky, the same thing.

They're literally right on top of each other.

Maybe the New York Times cross for week will be Sheena had an orgy with... Sheena's Body is a Wonderland.

They had on Jeopardy, Skandival was one of the answers. Hell, yeah.

They should make a pop culture Jeopardy.

Has anyone Anyone checked in on John Maher today? Because he's got to be like, Fuck.

Yeah, what is his comment section?

He's like, I knew I should have brought up that NDA. Damn it. He's like, I just forgot to print it out.

But this also isn't the first time that she's spoken about him. So it's like they're acting like this is some big reveal, but she said before that she and the girl she was living with would have orgies with him frequently. Oh my gosh.

Why does she say this?

I was reading an article about this episode, and then it was like, This isn't the first time that Shay has mentioned her long term relationship with Maher. And then also How's it going?

Isn't it weird that Sheena is now being referred to as Shay when that's her ex fucking husband's name? Oh, it's like- That's her nickname now?

No, that's like in newspapers, not newspapers, magazines, and they're like, Kyle said.

No, I get that. Sure.

She changed her last name to Honey Davies, right?

What? Honey?

Yeah, they added Honey to their last name. Do you guys not remember this from the wedding? No. Yeah. They changed their last name to Honey Davies, and it's neither one of their last names, but they added it, too. Sheena Marie Honey Davies. Where did Honey come from? No idea. Why are we still calling her Sheena Shay? But yeah, and even then, Brock's last name legally is Davies.

And her Bravo website says Sheena Shay. Like her profile.

Listen, and everyone has a past. That happened.

Maybe she just hasn't legally changed her last name, so it's still Shay from her previous marriage.

Or that might be her stage name.

Sheena Marie.

That is true.

Her SAG name, probably. I'm I'm sure she's a member of SAG.

She said on a 2020 podcast appearance that her relationship with John Mayer turned into a thruple with Stacey Adams, a. K. Stacey, the bartender from the Hills. I was living with Stacey at the time. We hung out for about six months. We'd go to his house. It just became the three of us. We had this little thruple going on. But then there was me and another her. Everyone always had attention. She admitted that she was jealous of the other girl because John liked her more by the end of the alleged romance. I was like, Wait, I brought you into this, and now you're getting more attention than I'm getting.

Oh my God. Classic Sheena being like, Holy shit. Even after he and I stopped talking. Why can't this thruple be about me? Jesus Christ. I mean, it is just... I I feel... I do feel bad. I'm not like...

She really can't ever be the main character.

I will say I did see a clip of Sheena talking about everyone saying that she can't... She's making every moment about her. And she was like, When is there a moment that's about me? She was like, My wedding was about Katie. And that is true because it was the Tom Schwartz and Raquel kissing, and it was this whole thing.

That is true. That's like Ariana saying, This is about Tom Sandoval, or It's like, yeah, these stories all include other people.

It's also a choice, too. Then I'm like, yeah, Katie was there, but you didn't have to be as invested in Katie as you could have been in your wedding.

You could have been like, you know what? Honestly, I don't care if she shows up. I'm just going to vote in my way.

She's not invited anyways.

But then Lala kept leaving to hang out with Katie. It definitely was still...

But she had a hundred people there for her.

No, I hear you there. It's just when you're on... When you are a married woman and you have a child, again, everyone has a past, but what do you think Brock is just like, That's my lady. Okay.

Yeah, that is definitely weird that you have talked about it before.

She says it with such pride.

You're married, you have a kid, and you're I'll just say it was an A-list star.

Okay, fine. It was John fucking Mair.

It's good as gold.

Then we also have Sandoval. I saw a clip him referring to himself, comparing himself. He loves a good comparison nowadays. The new comparison is Scott Peterson, convicted of murdering his wife.

According to Tom, allegedly.

Tom says allegedly. There has been recent things in the news about he's fighting it or something, or new evidence has come forward.

That Scott Peterson's Yeah.

Who knows? Probably not the time for Tom. Just Tom, allegedly. Then Swartz just, God bless him.

Swartz looked like he was having a full on, I don't know how I got here moment.

Look, Tom can't help. Now Tom isn't a side by side next to Scott Peterson.

You did this.

Again, this is not the sophisticated guy that some people claim he is. I think Sheena and Tom Sandoval will end up together someday. I'm calling it Hot take. Maybe not in a couple of years. She'll have to break up with Brock first, but I'm thinking like 7 to 10.

Okay.

They're going to have that wedding packed.

Well, she does tell him that she doesn't think they're going to be together forever, right? Is that in the preview for the show?

It does. It's not going to suggest that. Who knows? It could be one of those we need to talk things.

Reality conversation or hypothetical. But speaking of hypothetical and reality, what about Brittany and Jacks, who are actually separated at the moment?

Well, then Jacks was recorded saying how he fucking hates Katie. Katie had a nice little moment on Watch What Happens Live. Haven't seen that yet. We will talk about on a reality recap.

Copy that.

Fuck you, Jacks, for talking shit on Katie. Katie is the only fucking good friend, the only one with boundaries, the only one who seems to stand her ground, and Jacks calls that no fun.

I believe it's the most miserable human being to exist.

This is what he said. Jacks would know.

Yeah. He is getting called out for his male pattern baldness online as well. That's tough.

No, not his MPB.

Well, also, which, again, they're doing He's doing amazing work when it comes to plastic surgery and hair. He did get a nose job. He's got, apparently, three.

His best friend's a plastic surgeon on the show.

So maybe, honestly, maybe he's going to fly to Turkey on the valley and get a hair transplant.

Where did we hear that that's the best place to get hair trends?

It's all over the internet.

Plastic surgery is a really big thing in Turkey.

It's something all men have to deal with. No shame. But I know Jax is bothered by it.

When are you going to deal with that? Just so I can put it in my notes.

Well, when any I need to.

Nick's like, Most men deal with it.

Most men could never be me, but most men.

Just take some biotin, you'll be good.

Biotin? Biotin. Biotin.

It'll grow everywhere, though. Oh my God.

Do you know from experience.

I do be taking some biotin.

Okay. You don't look like that hairy of a man.

Yeah, it's contained.

Justin's like, You can't see.

He said it's contained. It's like his belly button's full of hair.

I actually don't have that much hair, yeah. Where it is, it grows.

We'll leave it there.

Okay, so what is it? Kanye West went to Cheesecake Factory, and I think that is news in itself that he is eating at Cheesecake Factory, that anyone is still eating at Cheesecake Factory.

I love Cheesecake Factory.

I love it.

Their brown bread. I was going to say I like the brown bread, but that's about it. You can buy that, too, now. Yeah, at the grocery store.

If you're at Cheesecake Factory, that means you don't have taste.

I will say their menu has a weird collection of food. Their menu is massive. They randomly have orange chicken on top of it.

Listen, if your menu is that big, sorry, you're not good. We do nothing good.

I agree with that most of the time, but cheesecake is great.

I will say, there are fried mac and cheese balls.

Sure, it's called Fucking Cheesecake Factory. Are good.

It's for sure just popped in a microwave and served.

You microwave your cheesecake?

No, at Cheese. No, at cheesecake. I know.

I was like, wait.

No. But I think he aims to embarrass his wife. Oh my God. That is his- He dresses her now. That's what I'm saying. I think he dresses her in things that will embarrass harass her.

Honestly good for her, though. She embraces it.

Does she? Or is she being held captive?

And she needs help. Is it emotional abuse?

Those tights. That is a captive situation. If you've ever been a four-year-old in a tap class, you know you don't want to be in tights against your will.

What if she wrote in Lipstick, Help on her ass. So next time she got panced by Kanye. People would be like, Fashion.

Fashion, fashion, fashion.

It was a see-through body suit where she had to walk with her phone over her little that whole cat because it was literally like everything is completely see-through. Did you all see that?

Is that the one her boobs are hanging about?

It's literally just the tiniest dental floss of a strap holding on just a completely black, sheer body suit.

It's in New York in the winter.

And her phone is just strategically here the whole time.

He's doing that to embarrass her.

It's giving cumulation. It's a jerk. It's just every headline about Kanye West is about what she's wearing.

Could you imagine him trying to do that to Kim Kardashian? Never.

He did dress her.

No, I know, but he would never have dressed her like that.

Not nude through the streets like it's Game of Thrones. Point.

Point.

Northwest did release an album.

She released it?

Well, I don't think it's come out yet, but she's going to. Elementary School Dropout.

That's what it's called? No.

No, it's iconic. I can't wait.

I feel like it'll be good.

Raleigh will be.

Do you remember that interview where it was like him doing a Vogue or Vanity House tour and then North's paintings were on the counter and she goes, So this is North's paintings. She's in her emo era. She's really emo right now.

Wasn't there one where was like, Really fucking good. Everyone was like, You're like, six-year-old did not paint it.

It's like, Carso. Are we going to do our Rivers class projects? And be like, Oh, great job.

No, we're not. No, I actually heard that when your child shows you something that they've done, artwork or whatever it is, and they're like, Look, I painted this. You ask them, How do they feel about it? How do you think you did? And it's like, I don't think it was that good. Or then respond to that. But if you're like, Oh, my gosh, great job, honey. That's awesome. It's the best thing ever.

You can make them self-conscious, potentially.

Yeah. But if they don't think it's that good, you're supposed to ask them.

But you asking that is, I feel, a clear indication.

It's like when I used to get my hair cut as a child or try on an outfit, my mom's like, Do you like it? It's always a tell-tale.

I can imagine a three-year-old, whatever, be like, How mommy, mommy, look what I drew. We're like, Mom, how do you feel about it? She's like, Fuck? What do you mean, how do I feel about it? I made it for you.

She's like, Feelings? The fuck is that? She probably will say, Fuck.

The way you do it is if she's bad, you go, Do you want to take classes? You suggest the classes. That's what my parents did. If she's bad? What? Do you like doing art? Oh my God. If she likes doing the art, you're like, Well, let's put you in classes.

How old were you when you figured that out?

Well, I think I was good at art. Okay. I was good at art.

Yeah.

I never was.

Or math. Okay. Natalie was... Never mind. No, no. What?

Finish the statement. Please put me on blast. Let us sit on the joke.

I can't do that to her.

I love you too much.

I was counting my fingers?

Yeah.

Okay, Paul. Who else counts with their fingers? What else are they there for?

I count my fingers when I do the time. I'm like, one to two, 2-3, three to four. Because I think the twelve and eleven throw it off for me. I don't know.

I'm with you.

She was like, I think we got six ounces because she was pumping. And it was not six ounces. It was four plus... I don't know. It was five plus four. And then she started going like this.

Okay. Sometimes people's brain doesn't work how it should.

Nathalie and I are in perfect balance because when it comes to some things, super smart me. When it comes to other things, it's like, brain is broken.

I will be teaching River English. We can't fucking talk or spell. He said, How do you spell chic? S-h-e-k. I'm like, Mmm.

Shek. Shek.

And science, and nick will do history because he'll put me in a sleeper hole. And math.

And math, yeah.

Together, she'll learn. We will thrive. We'll thrive. All right, before we get to Lou-Anne, we do have to discuss this Love is Blind drama. This seems to happen every season with the popular seasons of Love is Blind. It's just like they come out, they start saying nice things at first, and then all of a sudden it just takes one person to say one thing, and then it's like World War III. We have Clay's friend/groomsman has entered the chat. Groomsman? Clay's friend/groomsman has entered the chat.

I thought you could not ask me.

Don't Don't worry. I'm going to have AI talk for me in the future. Yeah, you will.

His groomsman said that she had a sugar daddy.

She said, I'm Clay's best friend, and we've both been living out in Charlotte for years now. Ad finances are in fact funny. She has a sugar daddy that is funding her life, brought her a car and apartment. She's not a realtor. Ask her to show us one house she sold or a picture she took with someone in front of the house. She's just sold them.

First of all, that's weird. Can you imagine being in Love Is Blind? No, show us a fucking picture of Being in front of a house.

With a sold sign. It has to say sold.

It's like you can't just be a realtor who hasn't sold a house.

What if she just started? Listen, realtor, financial advisor, these are professions that are personal They could mean a lot of different things.

Independent contractor.

Yeah. I get it. Maybe they're calling that out, but at the same time, maybe Adia is entering her real estate era.

It was just random.

She never claimed to be the most successful real estate agent of all time. She just said she's in real estate.

Usually, the couple takes a picture of the person who buys the house.

That is why Clay's brother showed up in a tank top. They were like, She can't show us a picture of her selling a house. Fuck it. He's not marrying her.

She has a sugar daddy. She doesn't need a wife.

Yeah. Why are we hating on her having a sugar daddy? I agree. She got a car in an apartment for Sounds like a baller. Sounds like she's making great decisions in life.

Yeah. Why are they fighting? When AD was on here, she generally had a lot of nice things to say. Obviously, she was rightfully upset about the finale, but post-finale, they seemed to be- I don't feel like she threw him under the bus at all.

Not at all. She was quite nice.

Yeah.

Well, I think this is just Clay's friend trying to get a little 15 men. You know what I'm saying? For sure. Because Clay didn't say it.

Yeah, why is he even answering the chat? Yeah, he didn't say that. Yeah. Larissa and Pippin and Marcus Jordan broke up again. Well, chalker.

Breaking news.

That's just another insider saying it, so who knows?

But I do like the fact that they're so dramatic about it, and it was irreconcilable differences. It's like you guys dated for less than a year. Relax.

It's not divorce. It's irreconcilable this time.

This week. For now.

We're holding our breath.

All right.

Well, it's time to get Lou-Anne again. Sending her questions at asknick@thevalfiles. Com for all things texting office hours. We'll be back on Monday for an explosive Ask nick, and then we have a big reality recap for you on Tuesday. Obviously, bachelor finale. We'll get into the Valley reality recap, summer house, and probably some more stuff. Dpr. Yeah. It's going to be wild. Tune in. We'll be here. It is time for the Countess.

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Tell me how my butt looks in it.

He looks so good in them. I'm He's always like, Maybe you could put on a different pair to go running outside because that's a little... You're going to be attracting the wrong people out there.

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Hinge. We like to think that we met on Hinge.

We do. That's what we tell people.

Sounds better than the DMs.

It does sound better. But you know who has a- Success Story?

Who I actually met on Hinge? Yeah. My sister.

A lot of people, actually.

Millions. Yeah, so many people. My best friend and her husband met on Hinge. My sister and her husband met on Hinge. Really? Yeah, my sister. She's a twin, and my brother got married already. I was married, and she was like, I'm downloading Hinge. I need to find someone. She downloaded Hinge, and she met somebody pretty soon after. He actually had downloaded Hinge the week before he moved to LA and met her a week later.

How many people did he have to go through? Barely any. Love that.

He was on it for one week before meeting her.

Well, they say it is the app to be deleted.

And deleted, did he ever?

Did he do? Hinge is the dating app designed to be deleted. Why? Hinge gives you a sense of someone's personality. It lets you share your own. You get to know your potential dates through their unique answers to prompts, plus get a sense of someone's dating intentions and what they are looking for. Do you remember the prompts?

So one of them was what's something, the most spontaneous thing that you've ever done. And My sister's was bungee jumping.

That's such a good conversation starter.

Yeah. She's like, It was just a good conversation piece. Her husband has a bad back, so he was in awe of the bungee jumping experience. He could not be bungee jumping. No, he can never go bungee jumping.

He has so many questions.

Yes, so many questions.

He immediately had to ask her.

I don't know if he was immediately like, Well, I have a bad back.

He was like, Great, you got that out of your system. Now, I don't have to do that with you.

Now, we don't have to do that together. But no, it was a great conversation starter at their first date.

All because of Hinge's prompts.

All because of the prompts.

Stop saying hi or what up and start letting Hinge get the conversation started for you. On Hinge, there are no rules, timers, or games. If you're feeling inspired, give Hinge a try. Download Hinge today and find someone worth deleting the app for. Lou-anne, welcome.

Thank you.

How are you? Welcome to the Vial Files.

Thank you. It's great to be here.

It's great to have you. Thank you. What you been up to?

Oh, well, just getting ready for my tour, Marie F Kill.

Your tour? Yes. Mary F. Kill is your new song?

It is. It's going to drop March 22nd. March 22nd. The day of my show at the Wiltern here in Los Angeles. Then I'm off to Sacramento, Modesto, London.

London? You're performing in London?

Yeah, I'm doing San Francisco, but I'm sold out. I'm playing Bimbos. Anyway, I have a ton of dates coming up. Super excited. Listen, Mary F. Kill came about through my fans because whenever I do a show, I do a Q&A with the audience, and I always get it asked, Mary F Kill, Countess, who would you marry, F, kill, countess. Who would you marry? Who would you F, and who would you kill? Now, we're not killing anybody. We're just getting rid of a person.

We're play killing.

Exactly. Pretend kill. We're pretend killing.

It's like, who do we not?

You know the game, right?

No, I know the game. I've been asked it. When you're on the bachelor, you get asked that a lot.

Or the housewives are so known to be playing games all the time. It's usually a shit show, Bob's Led to Hell. But actually. But actually, Mary F. Kills my new favorite game. Actually, the inspiration comes from my fans, and as does all my music that I write. Money, chic, it all comes from inspiration of the girls around me, Housewives, Lives, Dorinda and Giovanni. They were all in my Christmas song. Bruce Roberts is my producer on this. We're remixing it with Tracy Young, who's incredible. And so, Yeah. I'm super excited for people to hear it. It's very catchy. It's dance club mix and super fun. The show is about who would we marry? Who do we want to F and who do we want to get rid of in our lives? How I put I gather the shows. Basically, I do the music I love. My fans are really young because they grew up with me. When they were 10, 12, mommy was watching Housewives. Exactly. Just in the sense. They know the music that I know because their moms are listening to it. There's not a song I pick, normally, that my fans don't know.

So they sing along with me. I pick a song, and then I go, Okay, well, how am I going to get into the song now with the story? Because cabaret is about storytelling, and it's about my personal life.

What is cabaret? I honestly don't.

I'm explaining to you right now, nick.

I got a visual.

Yeah, cabaret. I got a lot of things on Instagram that shows what I do. But it's a personal It's my personal story, really, Cabaret. It's why did I pick that song? And what is the story that led me to that song? Then what I do is that's how I build the show. First the song, then it's the story, and then it's the dress from Giovanni. Which dress am I going to wear to really complement what that song is about? You know what I mean? I really work hard on cabaret, and I've been doing it since 2018.

Like rehearsal and practice?

Oh, yeah.

How many hours a week are we putting in?

My director Richard J. Alexander has worked with Beth Midler.

Shit.

Yeah, Kristen Chenowith, Herb Streisand. He came to my show, and he always said to me, he goes, Countess, I came here not expecting very much from you. But you fucking blew my mind. First of Well, you're funny, you can sing, and you wear a dress like no woman I've ever seen. He became my director. Her? Yeah. Wow.

What are you wearing today? This looks…

This is Giovanni.

Wonderful.

Thank you. Isn't it cool? It's so cool. I know. I love it.

I wish I could pull something like that off. You could. Justin, can you wear that? I think you could wear that.

I could wear it, but sequences… It would look amazing on you. You have to be powerful to wear sequences. That's my take.

You know what? I think Brock would probably wear that. Yeah.

Dylan Giovanni. Dylan Giovanni. I love it.

Wow. Well, That's so cool. Obviously, you've always been passionate about performing and music for quite some time now.

Listen, growing up, I was singing. How cabaret started from back in 2018 was a friend of mine said, really old friend, he goes, Lou, you love to sing for your friends. You love to tell jokes. That's true. You love to host parties. You should be doing cabaret. I was like, Oh. Then I got married and divorced. I was busy with life. But I did put together the show. From that very moment, I was like, Yeah, you're right. It's my love affair with music and a lot of stories because I have a lot of stories. When you get this age, best decade of life, by the way, something to look forward to. Getting older. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, for me, this is the best decade because I feel free.

What's your best story? Oh, my God. Do you have a good housewife story? I mean, obviously, a lot of people who listen to this show are- Big housewives fans, right?

Well, I talk about ultimate girls trip, right? I get on Kelly.

You recently got back on what is promoting? What caused you or what was the motivation to dive back into the Bravo land doing ultimate girls trip? Was it more, Hey, I just want to be back on TV. I want to hang out with the girls. Was it about ultimately promoting your cabaret and music career? Not really.

I don't really even talk about cabaret on this trip, or maybe I did.

I don't think so. It's getting you back on the scene.

I don't think I even talk about cabaret.

It's getting people talking about like, Lou-Anne.

Listen, darling, who doesn't want to go to St. Bart's for a week with your girlfriends and get paid? I mean, come on. It's not a bad gig. I'm not asking you to explain yourself. Well, you did.

I was like, Why'd you go?

You did ask me why. But that's one of the reasons because, listen, it's a great paid vacation. Who doesn't want to go and hang out with your girlfriends for a week?

Was it everything you hoped it would be?

It was. And more, actually. I got lucky again with a pirate, like a pirate. I'm always in trouble with guys on the show because I'm single. You're a free spirit. But good trouble. Don't be uncool. But good trouble. There's always a pirate involved. It was great to catch up with the girls. Two of the girls, like Kelly, Ben, Simone hadn't been on the show in 10 years. Kristen Tateman was a wild card, which I didn't see coming. Tindsie Mortimer couldn't make it because she was getting married. It was great because we break the fourth wall. We talk about things that people would like to know about that you don't get to talk about while you're filming. It's very, do you know what I mean by the fourth wall? I do. We can talk about everything, et cetera.

I wish, honestly, I wish every reality TV show and the legacy, not like Bravo, MBC, ABC, whatever. I wish they would lean into the fourth wall more. I think when reality TV first came on the scene, when you were an original housewife, I totally understand from a creative standpoint, this whole keeping it in house and letting it play out and then allowing the... And wanting to make sure that we were only filming or when the gals were all together because we didn't want to miss anything. But now that social media has blown up. Times have changed. So many on-air talent have their own podcast. They're on their social media. It is so hard for these networks to control who says what, where. They seem still so much trying to fight that and just be like, Oh, no, don't say that here. I wish they would just say, All right, this is the new world we're living in. Let's lean in. Because I think it makes it more of an interesting show. It's like so and so, you go on your Instagram and maybe you mouth off about someone of your friends, and then they respond back.

When the ladies get together, then I want to hear about what do you have to say.

A scary island.

But the show seems so resilient to do that sometimes. When they do do that, I think the audience embraces it more, and I think it keeps the story lines going.

Listen, I think there's a new cast for New York, right?

Yes. How How did you feel about that?

Listen, we've been at it for... We had 13 seasons, basically. I think that they could have added some girls to our existing franchise, but they made a choice to do Legacy and to do with the new cast. I think what that was all about was like, Let's see what happens with these two different formats. It just never happened. That's why I was happy to do the Ultimate Girls trip because-Legacy never The legacy never happened. The fans were so happy. And is it done? Is it still in talks? I think so.

I don't- Did Bethany fuck that up?

No, it has nothing to do with Bethany. Zero. She's been gone for a while. We'll get into that for it.

Say, Nora. Do you want to get into Bethany now?

I said, bless. Bye.

Exactly. You see?

You must be… Even if you don't want to pay attention to Bethany. No. The algorithm seems to force it. Every once in a while, Bethany is telling me the word.

There she is again.

As a fan of the show, I've always I've said this multiple times on this show. I always like, she is a legend in the reality TV space like yourself.

Absolutely. She's a good reality star.

I've always respected what she's done. But in the past year, it's gotten weird and sad.

Pulling apart fish with her bear of hands. What was that about?

As someone who's been on reality TV, just quite honestly, as long as she has, you were in it. Respect, sure. In the beginning, you've seen all the behind the scenes. You've hung out with Andy Cohen.

We don't really hang out that way. It's a very professional relationship.

But you get what I'm saying. I'm not saying you guys are besties. But what is your-We've known each other for a long time. What is your read on this? Not just Bethany, but-The whole thing. Leah McSweeney or whatever. I know that you haven't been in every room, and you can't speak to everyone's own experience. But your experience, for me, who has also been on reality TV, my big thing is we're all adults, and we're all accountable for our actions. That's right. If we have our own problems, I mean, You've been very open about your own- Absolutely. Substance abuse problems and recovering from drinking and things like that. Did you ever feel like that was being taken advantage of, or do you say, Hey, I'm an adult. I'm accountable. These are my choices. That's right. I chose to go on show knowing that I might have a problem.

Exactly. Well, listen, I've spent a couple of seasons, like Ultimate Girls Trip, the first one where we went Beverly Hills, Atlanta, Jersey, and all the ladies got together for the first ever Ultimate Girls Trip. I wasn't drinking at all. Kyle said to me, You're not drinking? I said, No, I don't drink. She was like, Really? She just couldn't believe it. She just called Richard. She said, You know what? You're so much fun. Luckily, I don't need drink to have fun. Now, this last ultimate girls trip, I said to the girls, I drink on occasion now, and this is an occasion. I had a great time. Now, if you watched me for 13 years, which I think a lot of you have, you would never say I had a drinking problem, correct? I got caught in a really bad position in Palm Beach and taken advantage of because I was staying at the hotel. By who? By the hotel. The manager called the police on me because I was in the wrong room. I was drunk, that's for sure. But I didn't drive. I didn't hurt anybody. I was in the wrong room, and they called the police.

I mean, it was messed up. Anyway, but I took it and I thought, if I could put myself in that position, then I need to do something about that. I take responsibility for my behavior. If I couldn't handle my shit in front of a police officer, I'm like, okay, now we need to straighten this act out. I didn't blame anybody, and I'm not blaming anybody because guess what? It was a great wake-up call for me because life is learning from the shit you do and growing. If you don't learn and grow and you stay the same, then good luck. You know what I mean? You have to be able to look at what you do. Take responsibility. I did, and I straightened out my act. I'm in a much different place than I was then. I just come off a divorce. The husband got caught cheating on me, blah, blah, blah. I mean, it was just a bad spot. Listen, alcohol has been around for years as a way of self-medicating, and I was self-medicating. I had to figure that out, and I did.

And Unfortunately, we have a culture in a society in our country. We've all been like, Hey, man, do you want to do a shot? No, like, Oh, you, pussy, things like that.

Exactly.

That is unfortunately our culture. It's not exclusive to Bravo producers. All right.

Back to the housewives and this whole thing with Andy is that nobody forces you to drink. In fact, Bravo was very supportive of me not drinking. Sure. They were stuck in the fridge with options for me. They asked me what I wanted to drink if I wasn't drinking. I gave them my list of things. On the contrary, they've been very supportive of me and sobriety when I was sober, and they were supportive of my choice to drink if I felt like it on this trip because I'm a grown woman, I'm an adult, and I take responsibility for my actions. They're not babysitter. Exactly. I don't go along. Exactly. I don't go Along with this thing like, the pressure was on and I was forced. That's just not true. It's not an Andy's character. I don't believe most of it. I believe that, sure, it was difficult for Leah, absolutely. I I'm not throwing that away or disregarding that. I understand her because it's not easy, but then you don't put yourself in that spot.

What are your thoughts with the actual hole of the reality reckoning? Do you feel like Bethany is biting the hand that feeds you? Do you think that there's some legitimacy to it?

Listen, I love what she's trying to do to get residuals for reality stars and protect- Do you think it's genuine? No, it's always about Bethany.

I don't think she gives a flying fuck about anyone ever getting residuals or taking care of their mental health.

I think they call it some syndrome where you go in to save the day, but it's really about you. Is it like a savior complex?

Or savior complex?

Yeah, exactly. That's exactly it.

Well, yeah, it's just like even looking at your two You guys have history. She told you- What a good friend.

She's awful.

She called you Lou-Man. That's right.

I think that's- No, that was Carol. That was Carol.

Was that Carol? Carol. Okay. Sorry.

I don't care. Sorry, Bethany. They were on the same team.

But she did tell you- Not anymore.

Bethany doesn't have any friends.

She did inform you that Tom was stepping out on you. But even then, she decided that that was something that should be put on camera. That's right. Without getting your permission and whether that was something that you wanted on camera.

No, in fact, she told all the other housewives, and I didn't even know. Producers, they were all like, Oh, wow, this is going to be... Listen, she's a good reality star. She's an excellent reality star. But is she a good friend? No, because it's It's about her. The Crocodile tears of, I'm so sorry, it's about him. It's about Tom. This has been our history.

When was the last time we talked to Bethany?

I can't even remember.

It's been so long. You never run into her?

It's the craziest thing. I never run into Tom, and I never run into Bethany.

You just don't go to that hotel? No.

Well, I go anywhere I want. Last time I was at the Regency was with Lourdes, with Madonna's daughter. She came to my show in New York. Oh, snap.

Okay. I love Lourdes.

But I feel like, yeah, I feel like New York, you're just always running into people. That's actually- Yeah, but definitely not.

In fact, anyway, it's a longer story, but I think it was out that she had somebody at the Regency take that picture. That was all set up. Bethy? Yeah, it was all set up.

I believe that.

I truly do. She had a friend staying there. She said, When he comes in there with that girl, call me and take a picture.

Bethy has been very loud about the fact that she's like, We He made Andy Cohen. I'm Bethany Frankl. I would have been famous no matter what, blah, blah, blah, blah, to make something of my time on the show.

Right. Like, cabaret for me and this for you. Exactly.

But I wouldn't have been here, whether I like it or not, for my time on The Bachelor. Because at the end of the day, well, do I think I have talent? Sure. Do I think I have work ethic, sure. But I'm not fucking Justin Timberlake, or maybe that's a bad example right now. He's not the most invoked. But you know what I'm saying? People like us. I think we have talent, we have great work ethic, and we're willing to put ourselves out there. But The platform that we were given by these shows is a lottery ticket that I think people like yourself and people like me, we did something with it.

Is there any air conditioning? Sorry.

Unfortunately, it was like, We Do we want lighting or do we want air conditioning? Oh, you can't have both. We wanted you to look good.

Okay. I'm starting to melt, but it's okay.

It's a great outfit.

Thank you. I'm totally with you on that. I feel like there's a lot of disgruntled housewives out there. I think once one person jumps in, then they all start jumping in. I think that's what's going on with Andy. Listen, the spotlight that we have because of the shows we've done is huge. You just can't get that. I always say that my fans, I could trip and fall on the stage and they would say, Wow, and get back up and they would say, That was so elegant, Countess. They're so supportive. The Bravo fans, BravoCon was off the hook. Our fan base is just incredible. They keep on Bravo all day. They're just watching all of the Bravo shows, which is so much fun. I see nothing wrong with it. If that's what you choose to do, I'm a big TV fan. I watch a lot of scripted shows, though, personally, because I'm working reality. I watch more scripted. But we've been given a position and we've been given an opportunity to make something more of our time on television.

You obviously work your ass off.

I work my ass off.

It's clear. You're fucking doing rehearsals, you're touring. That is a fucking grind.

Yeah, it's a lot of work.

Making music, put yourself out there.

Yeah, but I love it.

It's It's a vulnerable thing to do. Quite frankly, a lot of people, a lot of your peers just don't have either the talent or the drive to continue to make this experience their own. I feel like they've been so just reliant, quite honestly, on the teet of Bravo. When Bravo says, We don't need you anymore, then it's all of a sudden like, Look what you made me do. There's zero accountability. I always said that. I've never seen a reality TV character go on any type of interview or on their social media and said, You know what? To be honest, I was a piece of shit in that moment, but I got a good at it. Please hold me accountable. No one's ever said that. It's always, I got a bad at it. Sometimes we get good at it. I'm sure you've seen your own show, and I'm like, Oh, shit, that could gone worse for me. We've all been there. I never fucking hear that from anyone.

Yeah, no. Or I could have said that, Why didn't I say that? Why did I do that? Why didn't I say... There's a lot of second guessing, of course, as you're watching yourself back. But I feel like it's a teaching opportunity in a way. It's like, who gets to do that? Who gets to have this living moment where you go, Oh, my God, I got to fix that part of myself. Do you know what I mean? Because most people, they just move on and they're not really looking at moment and going, How can I be better or do better? Or, How can I... How come I'm so amazing? Hopefully, for most people, it's tricky. We make it look easy. The Housewives is very tricky. It's like walking the high rope. It's Game of Thrones. If you look too far to the right or too far to the left, you're going to fall off the high wire. I always say my family prepared me. I love that you're fanning me because it is hot in here. I got to say.

I'm not currently warm, and I learned in the fourth grade from Mrs. Balman.

Mrs. Balman, okay.

Because it was a hot summer day and we got in from recess, and we were all taking our homework and fanning us. And Mrs. Balman was like, Do you realize that you are creating more heat by the physical-Action of.Action of fanning?

I disagree. When you're hot and you get wind on your face. If you go gentle.

But I'm just saying, I think even better if I do it for you.

Oh, okay. I'm down for that. Do you not want me to?

Yeah, no, go ahead. Is this affecting her shot?

No. Great. Love it, nick. Where were we? Housewives is like walking- Why I'm being fan. Do you have any grapes, too?

Do you like feeding me grapes? Is this distracting? Does this feel good?

It feels amazing. It really does. Thank you.

Where were we?

Housewives is like walking a tight rope.

Yeah, exactly. It's tricky. I'm sure you have the same experience. You don't want to break anybody's heart. You want to make them feel bad about themselves because you didn't pick them. I mean, it's a tricky road. Yeah, for sure.

Even on this show, it's like we want to talk about the shows we love and the characters we're watching. We don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but at the same time, it's just like...

Got to call what it is.

When it comes to, for example, our reality recap show, which is us just talking about our favorite TV shows. I always use the sports analogy. I'm a huge sports fan. Monday morning, quarterback. A sports love to watch their favorite teams. Then throughout the week, they're just like, This player did this, and this player was awesome, and this player sucked, and I hate this player, and I love this player because they're just fucking fans. Then if they were to meet any of these players, regardless if they play for a different team or not, they're just like, Oh, my God, because we are fans. But it's fun for us to pick apart our favorite teams. Whether you are a football fan or a housewife fan or a reality TV fan, fans consume it the same way. I mean, I mean, it's like if you are lucky enough to be a reality TV star fan like I am, and a football fan, the pettiness that is men watching football and arguing online is incredible. I'm sure. It is so fun.

Well, can you imagine what the petty housewives banter is on online? No, I can. I'm sure you know. I do. All right. A lot of judgment, but it's easy to sit and judge other people, and that's fun. Look at shows that fashion, and let's pick apart the Emmys, let's pick apart the Grammys, let's pick apart the Oscars. It's what we do.

It makes me think of that quote about the man in the arena thing where it's just like, at the end of the day, all the spectators can have their opinions and their judgments. It doesn't really matter at the end of the day because you're the one that's actually out there in the arena doing the thing where I'm like, Those that can't do, call it.

That's a scary thing. But I'm somebody who, unless you're a little scared, you're really not living because that's when you really break through. People need to attack their fear instead of running away from their fears. My first cabaret show I did in New York at 54 Below, and the pressure was on. Not only it was my first show, it was being filmed for the show. Right. I didn't see a low. No pressure there. Right. And so But it's how I do my best. That's why I think not everybody's cut out for reality because you have to be really quick and off the cuff because you don't know what's coming down the pipe, you don't know what's coming out of their mouths. I don't know what to expect from my fans in the audience if they're going to love my cabriolet show or not, it's a scary thing. It's very vulnerable. It's very vulnerable, but I am. I think that is a good thing, and people shy away from that. Being vulnerable, I think, shows a lot of strength.

Yeah, truly. As a maker of music, a writer of music, a producer of music, I know you are going to graciously tease your new song, but I don't want to get there quite yet. Okay. But I'd love to do is... Well, I just heard your Bop, Money... What it was.

Money Can't Buy Class.

Money Can't Buy Class. That's a Bop.

I love it. It's fun.

But there's also many of your peers, our peers rather, reality TV people, have put out songs of their own, some also, equally a Bop, others, and I'd love for us to maybe review some of them and get your expert opinion on some of these songs, and then we'll rank a top five songs of reality TV stars, if you will.Let's do it.Let's do it. Well, recently, let's just start with a call back to reality recap of Daisy's music. Right now, the Bachelor is going on. This young woman is a fan favorite on the current season. It was recently discovered that it wasn't her song. It was like a Featured. Featured. Like a guest appearance? Yeah. Like when The Weekend has Ariana Grande. Ariana Grande. She's like the Ariana Grande.

I love her name, Daisy Kent. Daisy Kent.

It's cute. Yeah. It's cute. Very superhero-ish. Anyways, this is her song.

Okay.

I think I'm better I don't give a fuck. So you can lick on my sac, suck my nuts now. He said, Lick on my sac and suck on my nuts, in case you didn't hear that.

I heard you've been around that way. Thinking about her every damn night.

Not bad.

I like it. Okay. I like it. I do love this, what do we want to call this? Kind of underground.

I got to say, I know we had some fun with, Lick on my sac and suck on my nuts.

I prefer not to hear that.

It's a ridiculous lyrics out of the mouth of that man.

Really any man. Who's the man? Her brother or something? Is it her brother?

I hope not. Jesus.

Abes with a dollar sign with the S.

It's also a Ambitious, young, just trying to make his mark on the world. We don't really know who he is other than we presume a friend.

He has testicles. We know that.

He has nuts for sure.

We know he has testicles. It's It's not a bad song. The song is not bad. I just wish they could have left that there. It's just a little too vulgar for me.

It really just...

It's a knee jerk.

It's jarring, and then you have her Disney Princess voice come in.

Exactly. If you're listening to it while getting ready for it, you're just like, Oh, my God.

I wish she came in sooner. She's a little late to the party. I'm like, Is it his song or is it her song?

I believe it's his song. She was guesting.

Oh, she's guesting on his. She's guesting on his. Yes. I got it. Oh, I thought it was her song.

I don't believe so. But either way, I do think we could lose the nuts and have a little bit more daisy.

I'll give you a little background. In Chic, I did, and this is 10 years ago, It was Gems, Jet, Cigarettes. I didn't want to promote because I know young women watch my show and they listen to my music. I changed it from Gems, Jet, Cigarettes to Gems, Jet, Silhouettes. There we go. To make it more chic, c'est la vie, c'est beau.

Abe should have been like, Hey, I do not want to teach other young men to tell... Because, again, this seems like he's talking to her.

Because the other thing about TV in reality is that you have some responsibility to uphold the law in a certain way, meaning in class and manners, you're inspiring young people. I think you have to keep that in mind. Now, some people are better at it than others. I haven't always been perfect. I fell into a bush, for God's sake, on tequila. That's classic. Classic. Did you get any injuries from that? But I did it very well, and I didn't hurt myself, and I laughed it off because- Just your pride. Just my pride. Everybody's like, But why did you stay in the bush? Why were you living in the bush? Because, listen, if I stood up, I think I would have fallen over again. I'm just like, Leave me here. I'm so happy in the bush.

You were so happy.

I was so happy.

All right, what What's our next song?

Mike, The Situation.

Mike, The Situation from Jersey Shore.

How old is this?

Yeah, when did this get you? Thirteen years ago. Thirteen years ago? Okay.

I didn't even hear about this.

I didn't even know he had a song. I didn't even know he had a song. This is very boy band cover.

Is he a DJ now? Is he a DJ?

Poly D.

Poly D. Oh, that's Poly D. Sorry.

But I would be willing to gather Mike has DJed at some point.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Okay. Anyway, let's hear his bop. I already hate it.

Me, too.

Produced by Poly D.

It's too chaotic.

Yeah. One of the police cars coming.

Yeah.

Is it automatic number 5?

Okay, I've heard enough.

Okay, yeah. Immediately. No. All right, what else we got? All right, so I don't think that's going to make our top five.

Should we do Good as Gold by Sheena?

Okay, we got Sheena. Female as Sheena. Yeah. This one made a comeback. Thank God to Ariana, which she seems to fail to appreciate these days. This sounds like the intro of an episode.

It probably has been, but it reminds me of a Chuckie Cheese commercial.

Yeah. When your kids are getting together.

Yeah, right? Oh, my God. It's so like...

And what is Pandora's Box?

You always want to keep Pandora in the box.

Who is it? Katie Perry. It's a little Katie Perry, isn't it? And It's rainbows and ice cream. Kids Bop could really be good. It's very boppy. It's like a kiddie song. Twelve-year-olds. Yeah, it's like a teenage bopp song.

All right. It's cute.

It's teenage-y boppy.

Let's play one of Lou-Anne's.

Oh, gosh, which one?

Do we have a pick? Killing Giovanni is my favorite.

Okay, let's hear this one. Really?

How funny.

You don't want to hear Kim Kardashian?

We're not done.

Andy's featured in this. This is a very...

It Is he? He is? Yeah. Oh, my God. Andy's the Dazy Kent of the song.

That's Murray Hill, who is on a lot of shows on Hulu right now with Bridget Everett. Somebody Somewhere.

I absolutely love the creative. I love her. Look at Andy.

How are you feeling? We're feeling Giovanni. I got Lisa Renna. That was shot in the Giovanni Boutique on Robertson, next to the Ivy, which no longer exists. But let me tell you, I have this video, it will last a lifetime.

We're in the store just having a run of the place.

It was amazing.

What is Feeling Giovanni?

Feeling Giovanni.

Look at her outfit.

Really, how Feeling Giovanni came about was my first show of cabaret, the one I was talking about, No Pressure. Dorinda said to me, I've got this designer called Giovanni, and there's no real Giovanni. It's just the name of the brand. She said, Oh, she introduced me to them. The thing is, I go into Giovanni, I put on this pantsuit that I'm wearing right now. I put on any dress, and it fits me perfectly. There's no- You're off the rack. I'm off the rack, right? When I did my cabaret show-Oh, no, please keep going. Yeah, keep it going. Dorinda was in the audience, and she was mad at the fact that I had this new relationship with Giovanni. Now, it's like saying, I introduced you to a friend, and now you guys are friends, and that's upsetting to me. You know what I mean? She was drinking, and they were all having They're all watching me, et cetera, and she just couldn't help herself. She was like, Giovanni, Giovanni. That's how Giovanni happened. It's very Vogue. I have a raise my cabernet. This party, look at that dress.

I feel like at certain bars, the crowd would lose their nuts.

Oh, yeah. My songs are all over.

Lose their minds. I have nuts on my mind.

Then we'll go Love yourself and let it show. It's all about loving yourself. Hell, yeah. Yeah, it's really...

I'm not bullshitting you. This is a good song.

This is catchy. It is number one. This is number one. This is big club. Look at Lisa Renna. Go. Look at Lisa Renna. I love it. Cynthia is just gorgeous. Keep it cool and you'll be fine. Hell, yeah. One day at a time.

I could go out in this song and could come out having never heard of it, and I wouldn't lose a beat. The other two songs that we previewed, it would be like, oh.

What? Money and Chic? Where you listen to Money? Or you mean the other two?

No, I'm just saying the other two that we demoed. Got you. It doesn't quite fit the level.

It's not Giovanni. It's not Giovanni.

It's not Giovanni.

All right, what else we got? There's a Kim Kardashian song.

Yes, it is. Oh, there is? I didn't even know. Look at that hair. Wow. When was that done?

Four years ago. How was this done?

Four? This was only four years ago? It can't be.

I think it can't be. Wait, 2011.

I honestly am shocked.

I haven't heard it, so maybe it's amazing.

Well, maybe she wanted to bury it. Well, that's what I'm saying.

I'm shocked that it's not scrubbed on the internet because- It is.

It is. There was a music video.

It's gone? Yeah.

Okay.

This is the reupload.

Just because Kim, so much of what she does pops, and when it doesn't pop- It needs to go away.

It needs to go away.

If I had her money, power, influence, I would scrub fucking shit that I was like, You know what? It didn't land. I certainly have tried and failed at a many things. No disrespect to Kim. But let's hear this song, Kim Kardashian.

Jam. Is that Jam Records, maybe? No, it's the name of the song. Oh, Jam is the song. Okay, got it.

How am I doing here?

You're doing great, nick. Thank you. It's helping me so much. You have no idea.

It's like a Mike situation.

It's a little jarring to hear.

If you told me this was a Sheena Shay production, I'd believe you.

I was going to say this is if Sheena Shay and Mike's song had a baby, this is the product of it.

Okay, sorry, Kim. We know why you scrubbed it. It's fine. What else we got?

We have one more. This is Poly D. Poly D.

Don't hate this. Well, this is a DJ. This is like a mix. Yeah.

Yeah, this is very club. I don't mind it either.

It's not bad, though.

I like the beat. I like it.

It's like, I want.

Yeah, it doesn't sound the same, right?

But that's what I'm saying. This is that beat, and he's a DJ, and he just mixed it. Is that all we got? That's all there is?

That's what we have now Melissa Gorga from...

Oh, I love Melissa. Can we hear that?

Yeah, we can pull her. Thank you.

Because then I also want to hear Money Can't Buy You Class. You need to remind me. You need to. Then we want to debut Mary Fuckill. Shockingly, I mean, well, a lot of bachelor alums I tried to break. There was a genre around my time where a lot of bachelor alums tried to become country music stars.

Not a bad idea because…

Can we actually find, Ellie, while we're listening to this, can we find a Luke Pell production or- Is Luke the Ferris wheel?

Was Luke Hannah Brown season?

No, Luke was on Jojo season. Okay. Jed would have music, right? Maybe. Sure, please. Fuck. Let's hear that.

Do you want to hear Melissa's real fast?

Yes, please. Yes, please.

This is on display, right?

Yes. This life's a roller coaster. Oh, shit. I can live in a movie poster. On town quicker than I went up, and the credits never as big as it's- She's so hot.

Truly. I was just thinking the same thing.

When did this come out?

Eleven years ago.

Yeah, around the same time frame, right?

Not bad. It was a pretty good song. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

It's not bad. Yeah, no, it's not bad. It's pretty good. I like Melissa. She's a great girl. She was on the first ultimate Girls Trip. She just actually opened a store in Huntington. She has that envy store. I was doing a show right across the street at the Paramount. Yeah. So funny. Anyway, we ran into each other quickly, but she was heading back to a soccer practice or something. But we're friends.

While we're looking for some more country songs, let's play Money Can't Buy You Client. This one is good.

I wrote this is that I wrote a book on manners and etiquette when I first came back from Europe because I lived in Europe for 10 years. I lived in Milan, then I lived in Switzerland. When I came back, the kid said to me, Mom, I mean, the kids in the cafeteria, they're just... Food is falling out of their mouths. They're reaching over the table. They're so... Anyway, it inspired me to write a book on how to live with elegance and flair, through my own learning, because you have to learn these things also. I'm very curious about that. You have to learn. Anyway, so I shared in this book, et cetera. When I went to a producer to write a song, he goes, What do you want to sing about? I go, Well, I don't know. I just wrote this book. He starts opening the pages and he sees, Money can't buy you class. Elegance is learned. If you think you're great, nobody else. All these lines. He's like, Oh, this is good. Together, we wrote Money.

All right, here it is for those of you who haven't heard it. I know many of you have, but And Ultra Records.

This is a big label. Oh, my God. My son was so embarrassed when I did the song because there's a lot of naked men in it. I mean, not naked, but shirtless.

How do you stay in shape? I mean, you have the best bod ever.

A little working out here and there. We're not crazy. Just genetics.

Has this been remixed?

Yeah. Yes.

It has. James Kennedy remixed it. Did he? Yeah. I would like to hear that. James Kennedy, among other DJs.

Was that a little auto-tune in there? Oh, sure.

Sure. Money rich and manners poor, never got the boys too far. Money talks, but I just walk when I can't stand it?

This could be like a run rate. Yeah, totally. Runway song.

Buy a class. It's about money can't buy a class. I don't care how much money you have. If you're not respectful of people, that shows a lot about who you are.

I've never met a super rich woman that men needed to date. Yeah. I don't give a fuck.

Right, exactly. And me neither. I mean, I've had my share of millionaires who are just... No, I don't care how much money you got.

How has this not gone viral on TikTok?

I'm sure it has. I'm sure it has.

Has it?

Tiktok people. And entitled to the grand juror. Start the trend. Before it shut down. Isn't grand juror a good word? Yes. Grand juror.

Excellent song. All right, are you ready for... I know Luanne is keeping this under lock. Oh, my God. She's going to play it on her phone.

I'm going to play a little snippet of my new song.

The audio quality might be slightly different than what we're hearing, but just bear with us because this is a special treat for the audience because this is really the debut.

It's not out yet. It's not out yet. March 22nd, the day. But this is a bit of a tease. Friday.

This Friday.

You got it. The Mary F. Kill.

Epic.

The Mary F. Kill. The Mary F. Kill. The Mary F. Kill. The Mary F. Kill. The Mary F. Kill. The Mary F. Kill. I love this song. That's so much.

Now, why don't we say Fuck?

Because guess what? We got to keep it classy, darling.

We got to keep it classy, yes.

It's We know what effing means, don't we? Yes, we do. Without having to say it, right? Yeah.

Do you try not to swear?

I do. Okay. Because it just shows a level of, I think, I don't know, vulgarity that we can all be vulgar in the bedroom with our partners, with our...

Say more, Lou-Anne. Do you know what I mean?

Sure. I know, right? The voice goes right along with it, doesn't it? I know, right? She's like, you know. But it's unnecessary. It's like the obnoxious chewing of gum. There's a way of chewing gum.

Well, I feel like, honestly, Lou-Anne, if you hung out with me, you would probably tell me that I could take a Luanne seminar.

A class on tips? Class, yes.

Class on tips. What are the top five most obnoxious bad habits that you see roaming around society these days, whether it's from the kids or the adults? I do feel like we are a society who's paid a lot less attention to things like manners in class and things like that.

Without that, what do we have? Without the handshake and people's words.

How's my handshake? I actually think I have a picture of your handshake.

What is left? Let's see. Yeah, perfect. Not too strong, not too soft.

Just let them know you're there.

Just right, darling. You don't have to arm wrestle. But I would say probably people's necessity to be on their phones all the time. That really is irksome. Then the phone goes on the table. Then as soon as it peeps or rings, the phone's picked up and the conversation is lacking because the attention is not there anymore. You know what I mean? I talk about that, and I think it's money or chic. A cell phone, texting on a date, if you make a lady wait, she'll take a pass. It goes back to respect, like respect for another person. I'm sitting in front of you and you're going to be on your phone. Come on. That chewing gum, people who stop dead in the street in New York to pick up a call. That's fair. Again, back to the cell phone. They stop, and then you're walking and you almost run into them. I think people that berate other people in public Sure.

Yeah, rude to waiters.

Oh, my God. Rude to people.

Have you ever seen a housewife berate someone in public? Oh, yes.

Yes. Time and time again. We need names. No. Well, listen, it's no secret that Ramona treats the staff. I was going to say it. It's no secret. I love Ramona, but she always had issues with that.

How's Bethany with staff?

I can't imagine, darling.

I mean, she once filmed herself giving old makeup to employees at TJ Max.

Right.

Thinking that was a favorite.

Would you ever do that? I want to put this down on record. She would say, How dare you ask the driver to call you Mrs. Dela Sebs. I lived in Europe for 12 years married to a French aristocrat. We never were called by our first names. But people don't understand that. It just made me look like a snob. Of course, she blew that up to make me look like a snob. It was just what I was used to. I wasn't being rude.

Also, don't we live in a time where we are allowed to ask people to be called what we want to be called?

Exactly. Anyway, now people call me Louanne, but I'm talking about 12 years ago.

Do you prefer Countess or Louanne?

I call you Countess.

Yeah, People love saying Countess more than I take it. I call myself Lou-Anne unless I need a reservation in a hotel. Then that comes in handy or a restaurant.

It's almost time for texting office hours, so we're going to give someone advice. Okay. Before we do, I got to ask, do you remember meeting me in 2014?

Where?

In Chicago at-Oh-Oh. Rpm Italian. I'm guessing no. It might have been during the era of Yeah, I think we were filming in Chicago.

I don't know. Was that with Bethany? No.

I was fresh off my very first season of-Of The Bachelor? Of The Bachelorette. Wow. I was at RPM Italian actually having dinner with-Did I flirt heavily with you? Probably. You were very... Yeah, you gave me a lot of attention.

Well, I love men.

I do.

I make no secret about that.

I was super single then. That was totally fine. I was actually... I was breaking up my friends. I was at the dinner with married couple and telling them that she'd get divorced. They have since got divorced.

You told them? Yeah. Good for you.

Well, they were telling me about their relationship. You guys are a bunch of heroine acts who were just making each other worse people. Then you wanted to meet me. I was fresh off the show. Oh, wow. You were very kind. Then you wanted me to take you to a stout bar, and I was like, That would make sense. I said, Countess, I don't think you want to go to this bar. Oh, no? It was very Chicago-y You would have stuck on a sore thumb.

I love local places, though. I love Chicago.

It's a great- But it was a moment for me. I mean, I definitely told everyone about it. You did? Well, yeah, because it was probably my very first- Run in With the Countess. Or just a celebrity, honestly. Really? Well, I was fresh off the show. How did you get on that show? My friends thought it would be a gag.

Where were you living then?

Chicago.

You were in Chicago? Yeah. Okay. I didn't know if you were based in Chicago, if you were just there.

We took a selfie. I don't have it anymore.

Oh, God. I wish you had it.

So do I. Yeah, for sure.

That would be fun.

I definitely wish we had it.

Are you sure? Why? Why don't you have it?

I mean, this was 10 years ago.

I know, but I still have pictures from 10 years ago.

Yeah, I think, unfortunately, I got lost in the mix. You got lost in the mix. I certainly did not delete it.

That's for sure.

Okay, good. He's still talking about it today.

I love it.

It was a defining moment in my reality TV career. You made me feel special. No. Because it was like, Hey, Luanne notices you. She'd like to meet you because she knows you're on the show and blah, blah, blah. You made me feel like I was a somebody. Because it was like- Because you are a somebody. This was long before I became a fan of reality TV. This was long before I became a fan.

Did you even know why? Absolutely. How did you know who I was, though? How did you know?

Because I had girlfriends in the past. There you go. This was a time where... The show was huge. The show was fucking huge. You didn't have to watch the show to know who all the New York housewives were. It was a big deal.

Then it was a big deal.

I very much knew who you were without knowing anything about the show.

Well, then it was only New York and the OC and maybe Jersey at that point. It wasn't this whole franchise. Do you know what I mean? It was just a few shows at that point. You got to think about it. Sex in the City went and so did Desperate Housewives at that time. We filled that void.

All right, well, it's time for texting office hours. When we come back after texting off as ours, we're going to play some fun games of Fuck, Marry, Kill. But F Mary Kill. F Mary Care.

You want to hear a funny thing? It's actually F, Mary, Kill, but I didn't realize that because musically, also, it sounds better Mary, F, Kill.

Honestly, I don't think most people even know the difference.

You know what I mean? But I named it by accident, and now I got the. Com.

There we go. Nice.

I know.

We'll find out who she would F, marry, or kill when it comes to the new New York housewives, because I feel like some of them are loved, and some of them are like, Thank you, next. Maybe we could shake it up a little bit. Anyways, we'll do that after texting Office Hours. Well, listen, we We don't refer to ourselves as really smart drinkers, just the fact that we like our wine. Okay. I don't. I've always used to-Spe for yourself. I always used to pick up wine when it came to the label. Now I can get a variety of great selections because First Leave makes it easy. First Leave isn't your average wine club, it's better in every box. I get wines from all over the world, handpicked just for us, just for us. When it comes to personalization, First Leave goes the extra mile by giving each bottle of wine a simple thumbs up or down. They can continue to tailor our wine selection. With so many award-winning wines, they constantly wow us with their pics. Plus, you sound a little smarter and more cultured when it comes to your friends. You'll be like, This is the wine I picked from the valleys of whatever the heck.

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How's it going?

Hi.

Hi there. Thank you so much for taking my call. I'm beyond thrilled to be speaking to you.

What is your name?

Yeah, what's your name? Listen to- What's the name?

Every video, ask nick episode. My name is Maria. I'm 30 years old, and I'm from La Crosse, Wisconsin.

All right. Hello, Wisconsin. You said 38. You cut out for a second there.

Thirty. Thirty? Thirty.

Okay.

She doesn't look 38.

That's I asked. I thought I was about to ask her a skincare routine. How can we help, Maria?

Yes. Last night, this is a very fresh situation. Been dating my boyfriend. We'll call him Daniel.

Is this an active situation? We haven't played that in a while.

It is pretty active.

Is there an active situation button?

We have an active situation.

All right, it's letting the people know that this is very timely. All right.

Okay. Please continue, Maria. Last night- Yes, last night, we were having a discussion just about goals in the future.

We're planning on moving to summer warm because Wisconsin is Wisconsin, and just taking those next steps to plan to move. And he's I'm obsessed with him and in love with him. He's such a good human. But he decided to lay an atomic bomb on me last night.

This is your boyfriend?

Yes. How long?

Thank you.

How long you've been going out?

Yes. Boyfriend, eight months.

Eight months. Okay, so relatively new. Yes. He dropped a bomb.

He dropped a massive... Oh, my God. I'm still like, trembling about it.

Oh, my God. We're trembling. What is the bomb? Lay it on us.

He's got a kid.

That you just found out about. He knew about this. Wait, wait. Here's my guess. You were like, Hey, babes, it's super cold up in here. We're in the month of March. As a former Wisconsinite, I can assure you, when it gets to March, you're like, Fuck this cold. That's five or six months of bullshit. Every March, you're just like, Holy fucking shit. I'm done with this. I got out around I hear you. Your whole life, you're just like, There's got to be a better life than this. Anyway, so you go to your very new-ish boyfriend, super excited. You're like, Hey, let's talk about our future hopes and dreams. You're like, Maybe we can-Yeah, but it sounds like they were already talking about it.

They were already talking about moving together.

They got serious, and then all of a sudden he's like, Yeah, great plan. But by the way, I have a fucking kid that I have to rear.

What did he say exactly?

Well, that's the thing. He can't rear this child because the bomb was so big. I didn't want to hear any follow-up info of what the situation is with the kid, but he told me it's a massive traumatic situation. He does not see the kid. He's not allowed to see the kid for legal reasons.

Oh, my God. That raises more questions.

Well, that makes moving easier.

I didn't want to know about that because I was dying from the initial shock.

Okay. But we do know, Maria, that you do want to know, even though you don't want to know. You want to know. You definitely want to know.

I don't want to, but I have to know.

You have to know. You need to know who you're dealing with. This baby is in existence, right? She doesn't want him to see the child, right? Yeah. Did he say he didn't want to move, or he's just telling you that he has a child?

Yeah. Where did this come from?

Where did this omission- I don't understand what the problem is here. What is the problem? That he didn't tell you about a kid?

Well, A, when we talked about having kids potentially one day, he never told me, ever, when he had the opportunity. The kid's eight years old by now.

How old is he?

He just laid it on me.

How old is he? He's 30. Also 30. Also 30. All right. At 22, he an unexpected child early in life. You still, to be clear, don't know why why he is legally unalowed to see his own child.

Yeah, that is the cliffhanger right there.

That's the problem for me. When you say legally can't see his child, like restraining order, getting arrested, hey, what are we talking here? Or she just has full custody, and he's just more like he's decided that means he can't see his kid.

Well, maybe he was unsupportive as well. Sure. Does he have a good career?

Yes. He works in sales, does really well, very smart, very articulate, sweet, comes from a good family, good human, for sure.

Well, a good human would have been honest with you.

So question, when this conversation was happening, he was like, Oh, by the way, I have a kid, and, Oh, by the way, I can't see this kid, you just what? You were like, Don't tell me anymore? Did you just… Yeah. Okay. Oh, wow.

It was just too much… Just the fact that you have an eight-year-old kid somewhere.

He kept it from you.

You kept it for me. I don't even know if I want kids. If I was to get married- This is not about whether he wants to be a father.

This is everything to do about- It has nothing to do with you, darling.

Who are you? Yeah, it's nothing to do with you. That's how I felt.

I was like, I couldn't even look at him.

I was like, Are you?

He was willing to tell me more. He was crying. He still wants to do this, but he's like, I couldn't hold this from you I have to tell you.

Well, it sounds like you love him and he loves you.

Yes. The upside here is that he did tell you.

Yeah.

You didn't get a dark DM from some random person. You were like, Hey, I got a secret about Tom.

Right.

Sorry.

You did that on purpose, nick. It's not about Tom.

That he could have continued and perpetuated the secret forever. Him telling you, even now, I think we could at least see a positive.

I think so, too.

I think there's a world where, let's say, he had herpes or something. I only say that because herpes, unfortunately, as we now know, is prevalent in our society. It's something people have to deal with. It's something that people deal with in relationships. And yet it's one of those things for the people who struggle with it. I know people are like, Where are you going with this, nick? It's just more like, When do I tell the person? Hopefully right away, but sometimes people don't. Then when they don't the first time, then it's always like, Well, I didn't tell them when I should. It's like everyone knows the moment and when you're supposed to tell whatever secrets you have so that's not weird going forward in this relationship. It's not a first date. It's not necessarily a second date. Third date might even be early. But at some point, it's like, Hey, if you're going to date, people need to know this about you. He opted not to tell you in that moment. It's almost like it got weirder and weirder and weirder, and he just... You know what I'm saying? Not to make an excuse for the guy.

It's still fucked up and wrong. But I don't think it's potentially because we don't know the truth. That's why you need to know. Because now you're dealing with all these hypotheticalicals.

This is the only thing you need to know.

You're dealing with worst case scenario. You're dealing with whatever. But you need to know what the truth is so then you can decide for yourself, are we dealing with a situation where he really is the guy I thought he was. He might have made mistakes in the past, but he really is this person who despite him, it really is fucked up. He hid this from me. No doubt. There are no excuses. But I can explain it to myself where he's not a monster. Because, again, we've all been there one way or the other where we had a moment where we should have told the truth and we didn't. Then it became harder harder and harder to tell the truth, not to make it okay. But there's a difference between understanding someone's where they're coming from and then being like, You're a fucking monster.

Is it an isolated situation or is there more to uncover?

Because you're trying to understand, how could you do this? That's your big, you went to bed being like, who are you? How could you keep this from me? We're trying to figure out how we could.

That doesn't make him a psycho. Maybe he was just waiting to see how he felt felt about you also. Maybe he was gaging, I'm really falling for this girl, and actually now we're going to think about moving together, et cetera. It sounds like that he adores you, obviously, right? That's a good thing. Maybe he just couldn't figure out how to tell you. I like that he was crying and he was remorseful. Life is about forgiveness. You have to forgive people. We all make mistakes. But you have to know why, the why the where and the what and all that stuff. I mean, you have to know that because why does he see the child? Why doesn't she want him to... Who knows what the answer to that is. That's where I think where you really have to judge after that what your next move is. But that's so important for this.

Yeah, there's so many questions. How does he feel about it? Does he have an interest in trying to be a father? All while respecting the wishes and laws of which he might have to abide by. I don't know. But you don't even know the details. You basically said, I don't want to hear anymore. Was this in person? Was this over the phone? Was this over text?

It was in person at my house.

Okay. Did he spend the night? Did he leave? He didn't spend the night. How did we wake up? What was the vibe in the morning? Did you just ignore him? When did you write us? Did you immediately write us in active situation?

I cried the The entire night. Then he consoled me and we went to bed and I told him, I still love you. I don't know how to go forward from here. I'm very shocked still and I want to know more about the situation. This changes everything. I don't see you the same. I still love you. I'm willing to work through this. He said the same. We went to bed and we were intimate. So whatever.

You still had sex? Okay. Why? I'm just curious.

How was it?

No. I mean, sure.

I don't know if that was makeup sex. That doesn't really count as makeup sex.

Emotionally, why did you decide to have sex with him, even knowing that- It creeped That he creeped you out. Yeah, that he creeped you out. Was it before I find out the truth- He must be great in bed. Yeah, you must love the sex because it was like, before I find out the truth and I can never see you again.

I need to have one last- I want to ride this dick.

Yeah, that's how I connect and feel secure. I still loved him in that moment. I was like, All right, the love is still there, and I still don't know.

That's good. I think you should give him a chance to explain himself and then go from there.

Is he at work right now? Yes. How did we say goodbye to work? Has he reached out at all this morning? What does your gut tell you? How illegal is he, so to speak? How scary might the truth be? Or do you feel like it's not going to be as bad as you're fearing?

I feel like he probably knocked up a random crazy bee. He said, he alluded to that she got very violent towards him. I'm assuming something, domestic violence, and something got out of control and it went to court, and I don't know, went terribly for him. Okay.

As it often might for a 22-year-old guy who maybe at that point had no money or an emotional connection to this person, and therefore potentially, I don't- Maybe she just wanted to have a baby and not just needed the sperm. Yeah. Listen, I think, first of all, you have to find out the truth. You just do. That is a must, right? You know this, right? You can't I live in denial here.

I know. I'm going to puke once I hear it, but I will- You don't know that.

I don't know. Listen, the hard part of this reality is how his failure to communicate the truth when he should have. That's the real hurt. I agree, yes. You can't go back in time in hindsight's 2020, but I'd be willing to bet if on your third date, he was like, Hey, listen, I got to tell you something, and you would have gotten all this anxiety because you really liked him and been like, I have a kid, and you'd be like, Oh, okay, fine. But I also have a relationship with the kid, and honestly, it was a pretty ugly past, and I'm happy to answer your questions. It's embarrassing for me. You would have heard him out.

Yes.

We don't know what the truth is. Maybe he did some terrible shit. I don't know. I'm guessing he wasn't like, Oh, and all by the way, I was in jail for five years.

Yeah, you have to find out what that whole court thing is all about. Was he the abuser? I mean, you don't know that. Right.

It might be a little bit of both. Who knows? You need to know what you're working with. But right now, it seems like there's a 90% chance you know the worst of it. The worst of it is he didn't tell you the truth.

Yes.

That's what explains the most.

We already know that truth. Now you need to find out exactly what you're dealing with because there is a decent chance that your fears are greater than the reality of what the situation is. Exactly. Because we don't know the truth, and we're like, I don't know. Did he fucking kill someone? They're like, Who the hell? How bad is it? Or it could easily be like Louanne suggested, he knocked up some... Or you suggested He knocked up a girl he barely knew. He didn't know what to do. He was scared. He didn't have the resources. It was a toxic situation. They both probably had regrets. She did her thing, he did his, and he was probably maybe just happy to get out of that situation. Now, as time's passed. Shit, he could be feeling a lot of emotional guilt, a lot of questions. Fuck. As a new father, I could not imagine knowing that I have a kid out there that I have no relationship with and how that could fuck someone up. He might need some emotional support. He might need someone like, this could be a cry for help. I don't fucking know. But you need to find out so that you can know.

I do think this is salvageable. That doesn't mean you let him off I think maybe some couples therapy could be in the works of while we got here.

Because he broke your trust. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. You have to be able to trust somebody, especially if you're thinking about moving with them and moving to another state.

You need to find out. The next question is, because a lot of people, he is guilty of the, I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to upset you, which is a bullshit lie. He didn't want to tell you because he didn't want you to judge him. What else has he been afraid to tell you out of fear of you not accepting who he really is? You need to dig deep because there's probably, sad to say, a couple more.

You'll get to the bottom of it, Maria. You look like a smart lady.

If I love him as much as I do and…

This is more than manageable. We don't know the full extent of the truth. It's hard. I don't think we can sit here and say… But I'm saying the betrayal of trust, this It's fixable. It is explainable. It's not necessarily easy to accept. Yes, you'll have to put in the work. You'll have to build back this trust. You'll have to decide for yourself whether this relationship or the person you've got to know, is there enough there to do some work? Because clearly, he has some work to do, and therefore, as a couple, you have some work to do, and you just have to decide for yourself whether you're willing to make that investment. But I don't think this is immediately a fireable offense with what we know now. It's fucked up for sure. But potentially, it's not like all the words that we throwing around, sociopath, narciss, monster, blah, blah, blah. There's not a person in this room who hasn't been afraid to tell someone a secret out of fear of not being accepted and then didn't tell them when they told what they should have told them and been like, Oh, fuck. Now I fucked up.

I was guilty of that on a couple of things, actually, but not to this degree. So I'll own that. And I don't know. I just get caught up on the details of, Oh, how can I build a future with this person here? He has a kid, and he's got to pay child support for that kid. I don't know, that annoys me a lot. But like you said, it's not a fireable offense, but I just got to decide if this is worth continuing, which is a big part of me.

Does he... Sometimes in my worst moments in a relationship, I've been through a lot. But does he make you feel loved?

Oh, a thousand %, yes.

If you feel his love and you think that's sincere, again, you're probably questioning that a bit, rightfully so. But if you feel his love, genuinely, not like he decided to be in a relationship with you, but you genuinely feel like this guy, he makes you feel loved. You can say what you want about any relationship. When you're just like, I don't know, they make me feel like they love me, a lot of people can say that. There's a lot of relationships out there that exist to this day where it's just like, I mean, we're together, we're best friends, there's a lot of respect. But day in, day out, I don't know, I guess. I assume he loves me. I assume she loves me. We're together, but I don't know if I feel it. The fact that you do, I think there's something there.

Yeah. I mean, listen, he told you and then you slept together.

That's because it's that good dick. You know what I'm saying?

So next steps. Find out the truth, darling.

Yeah, and then call us back and let us know for sure.

Let us know how you make it. Yeah.

Okay. I'd be happy to, for sure. Get more information, but I just hope my jealousy of his past or my frustration of his past doesn't get in the way too much because- Don't let jealousy get in the way.

That's you. That's you. Everyone has a past. Everybody has a past.

A little annoying that has to pay child support and realizing, well, that's money you're never going to see. But at least it seems like if he's paying it, that's a green flag. Someone who will man up and do their responsibilities. Again, not a lot not a lot of people do that. I think we deserve the right to hold our judgment, and it's specifically for you, whether this is a relationship it's safe for you to be in. But I do think it's salvageable. I think you have a of green flags here despite this major red flag. You just need to have the guts to find out the truth. Then you have to have the guts to dig for more. Unfortunately, you no longer can take his word. You have to keep prying because he, right now, especially giving your reaction to this, he's probably feeling the regret this morning. Oh, fuck, I shouldn't have told her. Shit like that. He's going to go back to the guy being like, Well, I didn't tell you because I don't want you to be upset. Right now, and again, you did nothing wrong because you had a natural reaction to it, but your reaction, unfortunately, has almost justified him not telling you.

Yeah, absolutely.

You got to cry. Yeah, I got to cry.

I'm like, Just tell me whatever it is. I thought he was going to tell me some childhood trauma or whatever. I was like, I can deal with that.

Well, this is childhood trauma, probably.

Yeah, a whole kid. I was like, Oh, my God.

Give it some time. Digest.

Digest, digest, digest, and talk more. Okay. It'll come to you. You'll know what to do.

Better than he told you now that three years in your relationship. I'm not trying to downplay how much this sucks, and maybe you might need to break up with his ass, but you just need to find out more. You need to have the guts to do that. There's a good chance that while you both have a lot to work to do and a lot of healing to do, that it's doable if you think it's worth it. Okay, I do. Don't let your friends…

Don't let jealousy of the other woman and a child get in the way. It's not about them. It's about you and him.

It's so hard for me.

That's Ego. That's ego. That's ego. You don't want to be there. You want to be in your gut. You want to be feeling here. You don't want to be up here going. That's when you get in your head, and this is a dangerous place to be. Yeah, let's keep it.

You got to stay in your gut. Let's keep it real. Right now, if you went to memory lane and you thought about some of your most nastiest, weirdest, most embarrassing moments, if he got to watch that on some mirror ball, you know what I'm saying? We all have a past. His past isn't the problem. It's his lack of transparency and his willingness to hide it from you. That's the problem.

Okay. But if we love each other and that love is real and genuine and he's a good human, and despite what happened, that's worth continuing.

You You just have to verify what you feel right now. You feel his love. You need to verify it by be willing to ask these questions, by not being afraid to hear things that you don't want to hear. You need to dig deep because at the end of the day, if you do really love each other and you feel his love, you can't wake up every day asking yourself, Can I trust this person? Like Lou-Anne said, you need to build back this trust. The only way to do that is to actually find out all there is to find out. Let this be, and maybe share, hit him with something Hey, here's a good something you're going to hit about me.

You need more details. You need more details in order to make a decision for yourself.

You're only eight months in. It's honestly not That long of a time.

And lead with your heart, Doreen. Think with your heart, not with your head.

That's true. My heart tells me that he's good.

He's a gem.

All right. Well, don't be afraid to find out because if he really is, then he will verify that. Yes.

You'll know what to do. Okay. I trust you're going to make the right choice.

Please give us an update.

Thank you.

All right. I definitely will. I definitely will. All right. Thank you so much.

You're welcome. You're welcome.

Good luck.

Yeah, have a good day. Leave with your heart.

When you get off the phone, text them and say, Hey, thank you for finally telling me. We have a lot to talk about. I'm sorry for the way I reacted because obviously I was cut off guard. But when you get home, let's sit down, let's Take it into it, and let's figure this out.

There you go.

Some version of that. Okay?

Okay. Without ego. Yeah. Without ego. No jealousy. That's a big for me. No jealousy.

Again, you got to pass.

I know. I'm such a hypocrite that way. We all do.

It's okay. We all are. All right. Good luck. Thanks, Maria. Let us know.

I will. I'll email back. Again, thank you so much.

Thanks, Maria. You're welcome.

I admire you both and your show I'm obsessed. I listen to every single episode.

We love you for that.

This is like life-changing.

Thank you so much. We appreciate it. All right, take care.

Thank you, nick.

All right, bye-bye.

Bye.

All right, Lou-Anne, we know you have to go, but we promise the audience a quick game of Fuck, Mary Kill. Okay, let's do quickly. Justin, let's ask.

Should we do for the new cast?

The new cast.

Okay, so the first set is Aaron, Jessel, and Uba.

Aaron, Jessel, and Uba. Okay, let's see. I'm going to F Uba. And not F. I'm going to marry Aaron. I guess I'm going to have to kill Jessel. I don't really know Jessel, so. Sorry, Jessel.

It's not personal, but you're dead to her.

Then the second set is Jenna, Si, and Bren.

Oh, I'm definitely going to fuck Bren. Oh, sorry. Did I say fuck?

You also said definitely.

I'm going to marry Jenna Alliance, and I'm going to get rid of Si.

Okay. All right.

There you go. That's it.

Perfect. Lou-anne, can't thank you enough for coming. Congratulations on an illustrious career.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, nick. And you, too.

Good luck with your new song.

Thank you. Mariah.

May it be the bop of the summer.

May it be the bop of the summer. I hope everybody comes out to see the cabaret and to see me perform it live because that's my open for the show.

Is there a website people can go to?

Yes, it's countestluan. Com for dates and all info on upcoming cabaret shows. I'm going to Europe this year, so I'm really excited.

She's going to Europe, babes. All right. Well, we can't thank Luan enough for coming on and appreciate you guys listening. Don't forget to send me your questions at asknick@thevalfiles. Com. For all things texting, Office Hours, Ask nick, you know the drill. I guess. Bye.

Thank you, nick. Thank you, Lou-Anne. Bye, everybody. Good to see you again. Yeah, happy being.

Yeah.

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