From WBEC Chicago, this american live, I'm Harry Glass.

Hello. Hi.

This is Yusuf Hamash.

Yes, it is loud and clear.

Good. Is this still an okay time for you to talk?

Yes.

Okay.

But it's a crazy outside. A lot of know. There is a lot of traffic, especially from the children. Let me find a quiet place.

Okay.

Close the door. Yes.

For months, one of our producers, Hana Jaffe, Walt, has been talking to Yusuf Hamash. He's in Gaza. Back in December, we put out an extra podcast episode, a bonus mini episode with some of those conversations. But so much has happened since then, we wanted to come back to Youssef and do a full episode, and that is what we have for you today. It is a series of unusually frank conversations about what he and his family were experiencing, sometimes as they were experiencing it, and about the decisions they made with the choices they had. So what we're going to do is we're going to play you a lot of stuff from December and then what has happened since then. Yusuf is in his early 30s, got two kids and a big extended family. He works for a humanitarian organization operating in Gaza, the Norwegian Refugee Council, the NRC. And Hana started talking to Yusuf in early December, really knowing very little about him or his situation at the beginning. And as you'll hear more and more unfolds and gets revealed at that point, he had just relocated with his wife and kids to Rafa, where the NRC office is.

Rafa is in the south of Gaza. It's at the border with Egypt. His family was living in the NRC office there. And so Yusuf was in the unusual situation in Gaza, where he often did have Internet access with solar panels providing power. Meanwhile, the rest of his extended family, including four sisters, was about 8 miles away in a town called Han Yunis. Here's Hannah.

So talk to me about what did you do today?

And today I had to find a place for my extended family, which Alhamdulillah. I found it. Today I found a place, and I built a tent, two tents, actually, because I couldn't find a house to rent or anything. So tomorrow I will move the rest of my family here to Rafa, from Hanunas to these two tents. And today it takes me a while building these tents.

Is there anybody in the family that is hesitant? Do you have to.

Yes, they are part of the family. A few minutes ago. A few minutes ago, I was having this debate with my sister that she was like, okay, I'm pregnant. She's pregnant, and she don't want to do the delivery in a tent. And she said like, okay, they are still far, like 1 km away, the tanks. She said that we cannot suffer more. At least we have here bathroom. The main debate was a bathroom about having a privacy to use a bathroom, because when you are fleeing in a tent, there is no bathrooms or that privacy. While I'm trying, tomorrow I'll find a way to build a bathroom for them.

Yusuf has been moving and convincing his sisters to move since the war began. They all started the war in Jabalia, in the northern part of Gaza, after October 7, when Hamas attacked southern Israel and killed around 1200 people, took about 240 people hostage. Yusuf immediately moved his family from Jabalia to his parents house in a nearby city, Beit Lahia. They moved the very next day, October eigth. On October 9, israeli airstrikes hit Jabalia, and then again on October 12, 19th, 22nd, 31st, November 1 2nd, fourth, and on. Yusuf and his family and his sister's families then fled south to Hanunus. They stayed with relatives until Yusuf read a leaflet that fell from the sky. It said, you must evacuate immediately and go to shelters in the city of Rafa. The city of Hanunus is a dangerous combat zone. Forewarned is forearmed. Who signed the israeli defense forces. That's when he fled to Rafa with his wife and his kids. By that point in the war, over 15,000 people in Gaza had been killed. The place Yusuf works, the NRC, had rented an office in Rafa, in the area the Israelis were now saying was a safe zone.

Yusuf moved his immediate family into the office, but his sisters and their families weren't so sure they wanted to follow this time. So Yusuf, from the moment he got to Rafa, had been pushing his sisters and chanunes to come. He'd been at that for almost a week.

To be honest, each one of them have its own personality, and I have to persuade her the way I know each one of them. One of them. She's worried about her father in law and mother in law and is like, okay, they are not safe and they are on the street. I'll build them a tent, but I want to make sure that you are with me here. I'll bring them also the other one. I had to do the same option with her. Okay, I'll bring your father in law and their entire family. I'll take care of them, but I want you to come here.

What about the woman who keep doing.

Yeah, the one who is pregnant. She's the youngest and she's the most stubborn one yeah, she's the youngest. When we came to the south, there was no military operation on the ground. She refused and her father in law and mother in law refused. I had a fight with them and I told them, listen, I want my sister with me. And we had a bit of Argo, because they didn't expect what's coming.

I hadn't thought about how each time you have to sort of mentally convince yourself that the place that you're in, which is feeling okay at that moment, might not feel okay very soon.

Yeah. Because who would ever imagine that the israeli tanks will be in the center of Jabalia camp? Or who would ever imagine that they would be in Shifa hospital? These things, we never imagined that it will be a real thing that we are seeing by our own eyes. We never thought about that.

Yusuf was lobbying his sisters to move as hard as he could. But honestly, he himself wasn't always totally sure about bringing them to Rafa. Yusuf kept searching for new information about what the israeli military was planning to do next. He'd ask everyone he met, look everywhere online except a few places he avoided.

I don't open my facebook, for example, or instagram because all my friends from Gaza are there. Because I don't want to know who's dead. I don't want to know. I don't have the time to respect these people who I lose. By coincidence, a few days ago, I found out that my uncle is dead. I didn't know about that before. And a friend of mine told me that we were just having a chat and I mentioned him and he didn't know that he's my uncle. And I was talking that he's my uncle. I was like, I'm sorry for your loss. I was. I didn't. I didn't know. It was like two weeks ago, he's dead. He's killed two weeks ago in Jabalia. While I didn't know.

How did that come up in that conversation?

When were we mentioning where his parents living in Jabalia? And I was like, okay, my relatives living there from jury family. And I was like, yeah, I know him. And I was like, yeah, he's my uncle. Sorry for your loss. And I was like, no, he's alive. He was killed in an earth strike. I know, I know. I felt a bit stupid. And it was really weird feeling that I didn't know that my uncle is dead since two weeks. He was killed. The other thing. Okay, just to continue on this story, yesterday, my brother, who lives in Sweden, my cousin, who is the son of my uncle. I mentioned he was asking my brother to check if I have information about his father and I don't want to be that also to deliver the news for him that his father was killed.

Have you told him?

No, I told him there is no connection between the south and the north and it's impossible to reach anyone there, which is true. There is no phone calls, there is nothing that you cannot reach anyone in the north. And I will try to check what's the situation. But I didn't want to be the one who's giving the news.

Oh, Yusuf. So you just couldn't bring yourself to tell him what you had heard?

Yes. Even my mother, who's with me now, doesn't know.

Is it her brother?

Yes.

And you're not going to tell her?

Definitely not. And I'm saying that here because I'm sure they don't understand English, first of all. And second thing, they won't listen. Sorry for that. But they are in Gaza. They won't listen to this podcast. To know from this podcast, this is one of the first time that I really speak about these things. And it feels really weird for me that I always. In front of everyone around me, I'm the man who's managing everything and supporting anyone in need. And if you need anything, the best one to call is Yusuf. Now I'm helpless, useless and I cannot do anything. I cannot even manage my own need.

So if your uncle comes up, your mom mentions him or your wife says, oh, I wonder how he's doing. You will not say anything.

It happens. And I didn't say anything. Yes, it happened yesterday. And I was like, no, I'm not going to say anything. My brain was like circling around and I was like, okay, you have to tell her. She deserved to know that her brother is dead. And I was like, no, it's her right to know. And she will blame me a lot when she knows that I was knowing without telling her. I have to shut down. My brain is like, no, you turn off. It's not your role now.

Not your what?

It's not your role to be functioning now.

Yeah. Focus on building tents.

To be honest, I have plenty of to do list. On my list is many things, my priorities now. It's the time to secure my family and manage their needs more than anything else. For me, looking for their safety, it's not about them only. It's more about me. I cannot imagine for a moment losing one of them, one of my sisters. It has to be me before them because I don't have the strength to even to think about losing one of them. That's why I'm doing it. Not because of you. It's because of me. I don't have that. I'm weak to have the strength to handle losing any one of them. I don't have that strength.

Do you think they do it for you?

They came to Hanunas with me. Before me. No one agreed was really hard. And I had a fight with my mother. But they came because I want them to be with me.

So they do it for you?

That time, yes, but for me.

And this time?

This time I think I'll prepare everything. I will prepare the tents. I'll find you a place. Then I'll move you once when everything's ready to have you. And what pushed me to finish everything today is that Benjamin Netanyahut, he was threatening Hezbollah. He was like saying, hezbollah, you should stop what you are doing. Because if start a war, we will turn Beirut into Ghaza and Hanunus. So I was like, okay, now it's Hanunus. I need to regulate them from there. They are in the center of Hanunus.

Did you send them that quote?

Yes. Because a lot of people stay until the last moment. And when they evacuate, they will evacuate under bombing. And I don't want my sister to experience that.

What does the tent look like?

So there is two types of tents now I became expert.

By the way, I was going to ask you how you know how to build tents so quickly.

So one, I get it through NRC where I work. And it was with instruction that was easy. The other one is like wooden sticks with plastic. The hardest part was finding a suitable place to rent a small land. Not in randomly the streets. It's agricultural area. It's a bit sandy everywhere.

So you rent a land?

I'm sorry, what was massive airstrike just now? Yes, another airstrike. They're going to ask. They are getting crazy somehow. All of this in Canunas?

The explosions are in Canunas right now?

Yeah. Another one.

Okay.

What's going on? It. I'll call you in a minute.

Okay, no problem to check.

Okay, just 1 minute. I'll call you back.

Take your time. Bye.

Because it seems really massive there.

Okay, bye. Hi.

Hello.

Hi.

Yes. Sorry.

Is everybody okay?

Make sure that they're still alive. Yeah, they're alive.

Do you literally write, are you alive?

Yeah. It was a funny message for my sister. Are you alive?

Wait, that's funny?

Yeah, because I had to send a smile and emoji. Is laughing. That's how we are talking, always. And even when I'm with them, it's like, okay, we have one more day to live. Let's enjoy it. Maybe two days. Okay.

So you wrote her, are you alive? Smiley face.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Yeah. And she writes back, yes, or she laughs.

She laughs and she said, it's a bit calm. Okay. I don't know what means a bit calm, but.

I'll let you go. I've taken so much of your time.

Thank you so much.

And tomorrow what's going to happen is your sisters are going to move.

Yeah. This is going to be the early thing for me to do in the morning because I don't want them to move under the bombing. So I want to keep away them when it's a bit calm and manageable without risks. So I'll do it in the early morning. But maybe because of this rain, I need to assess the situation tomorrow morning. I promise them that we may decision together this time tomorrow morning.

But you've already made the decision that you want them to go.

Yes.

Okay. I hope you have an easy night, and I will check in with you tomorrow.

That's a good phrase. Easy night. Okay. Inshallah. Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, bye.

Thank you. Bye bye.

Hi, Yusuf.

Hello.

Did your sisters move today?

Unfortunately, not yet. They were refusing to leave without the bathroom. But today there were lack of tanks and airstrikes. No, I promise them that tomorrow there will be a bathroom tomorrow. I'll make my best to make it happen.

I want to jump in and say a little bit about what Yusuf doing his best. Looks like an incomplete summary of that particular day. He spent the morning trying to track down trucks for the Norwegian Refugee council where he works. The trucks were full of aid things like bedding, tents, buckets for water that should have arrived at the border. But he couldn't check online if they were there because the system was down and the phones weren't working. So he went in person, wandered around looking at plate numbers, could not find the trucks. Then he went to the market to find medicine for his wife, Manal, who'sick. Could not find medicine. In the midst of all this, he got a call from another relative who was fleeing and needed a place to stay in. Rafa. Yes. Yes, you can come. Yusuf told him one more tent near his sister's tents. Yusuf saw a guy building a bathroom. Hired that guy, but he's busy until tomorrow. The bathroom guy told Yusuf he needed to find supplies. So Yusuf spent hours searching for cement stones and a water tank. He found a water tank, but it was in a different part of Gaza.

So Yusuf paid more than the price of the water tank to get it transported. I was picturing like a hole in the ground that you were going to build near. You're going to dig near the tent, but you're building an actual bathroom with water and walls.

Actually, that was a condition from my sisters.

So is that the first thing for you tomorrow?

Definitely, yes, it will be happening for sure tomorrow. Because 2 hours ago or less there is an airstrike near them and it takes me like half an hour or more. Just trying to call, trying to call. I couldn't reach anyone and that freaked me out. And I cannot handle the situation again. And I managed to reach my sister Asil and fine. There is a lot of gas and lot of bombing, but we are fine. And this is when we agreed. Halas, tomorrow you are moving and I will come to pick you tomorrow.

Oh, you did?

Yeah.

So she definitely agreed?

Yeah. Sorry. Helita to Amelakia. Are we recording of something? Because my son is just annoying me.

That's okay, I like hearing him. How old is he?

Two year and a half.

Two and a half.

Ilya baba, Sakhil Bab. I'm just asking him to close the door. Last night I had to stay awake until Ahmed, who cannot sleep without being kissed thousand times in his cheeks. Until he sleep. Sometimes when he feel that I'm tired of kissing him, he give me his hand. To kiss it.

So that you have it close to you.

Exactly. He like to give me some rest sometimes. Okay, can kiss my hand. I don't know how we get this habit, but I don't mind it. And for me it's okay. I'm really grateful for the rain. It starts raining then that reduced the sound of bombing. And also you can use it. This is thunderstrike. So we are lucky today. We can manipulate that.

So you'll tell them in the night if they hear a noise. Yeah.

It's raining. It's raining. It's raining. Thunderstrike. It's raining. Yanni, I don't know. At the beginning it was a bit easy to convince them that this is fireworks or thunderstrike. But then even my daughter Ilya, which is five years old now can understand that this is even my son Ahmed, who's two years and a half. And he can say like bombing, this is from airplane. And he keep using this word gasf. Gasof, which means strikes. And that's another massive airstrike.

Is it close to you?

No, it was close. You would hear it.

Okay.

I failed to convince them that this is not a war. And I failed that they know that this is a war in that age. And they see how we are shouting, my sisters are crying or it's not enough anymore for my children when they feel panic from bombing to run towards us, they start scream without even running towards us, because somehow they understood that we don't have that ability to protect them. And that's something really awful. When you understand that, your children understand that you cannot protect them. When I start to feel useless in front of my children, and when I found that I cannot protect my children, I deeply regret it because.

You regret what?

What is the meaning as a father? I regret having children here. What is the meaning for me as a father if I cannot protect them?

You regret having children? Having children in Gaza?

Yes, definitely. I regret I made that decision and I had children in Gaza while I know the consequences. But I wasn't imagining that we will go through this, because I am a man of responsibility. I'm responsible for these children to secure their life and future. If I know that they will live through this. I would never, ever even get married here.

You would never get married? Is that what you said?

Yes.

Yeah. Is it part of that feeling like I should have known not to do.

This or I should never did that decision? Hello.

Hi, Yusef. Do you have a couple of minutes?

Yeah, of course.

How did today go?

It was really long day. Had to start really early and was a lot of things to do.

Did they move?

Yeah, they moved. I brought them all. Yeah, they moved.

Wow, you did it.

It was really a lot. Last night. They were texting me about, lot of bombing next. The house next to them was bombed. Another house behind them was bombed. And so they wanted to move. They wanted to go halas.

Yusuf. The house next to them was bombed last night.

Yes. Last night was battalish when they started texting me that the bombing is around us.

Yeah, but there was an airstrike that hit a property right next to them.

Yes, but it's a drone strike. Okay. We have different types of missiles that Israelis are using. So there is the S 16, which warplanes and this American made weapon destroy entire neighborhoods. The drones have smaller bombs that destroy a house or half of the house. They were afraid that the bombing might be in the same house because it's four floors and they are the first one. So that's why they didn't argue me and like, yes, let's move.

Did you think about going in the night?

Yeah. I told them, I'm coming.

You texted back, I'm coming?

Yes. And they were freaking out that I will come. My wife prevented me. My sisters were texting me, do not come. There is a lot of bombing in the street in front of the house. Do not come.

Yusuf waited till the sun came up and then drove to channunes. He says on his way there, he could hear gunfire and explosions all around him.

The first thing I did in the morning is like, I went there, back up in the car, my sisters and their children and I came. And then I sent another car, like a small van, small bus stock and have the bags and everything. And my brothers in law.

Was there a part of you that felt a little frustrated? Like, I told you guys, you should have come earlier. I didn't want it to get to this.

That's exactly what first thing I said today when I met them.

That was how you greeted them?

Yeah.

What did you say?

And first thing is, like I told you, we don't want to because there was a lot of bombing, a lot of tanks. Like I told you before, we don't need to run away under shelling and bombing. But now we did it. Halas, every time had to be the same situation.

So overnight you're worried about their survival and you're panicked and you want to drive to get them in the middle of the night, but in the morning, you greet them with, I told you so. This is what I said was going to happen.

Yeah, I was blaming them. So there is no discussion. We are leaving.

So you didn't hug them and cry and say, I'm so glad you survived?

You said, get in the car. No, we have a different type of relation. It's not about hugging them. I was laughing. You should have died. I should be in the morgue now. This is how I'm with my sisters.

And did they laugh? What did they say?

Hadeer was like, actually, they will start to give me orders quickly. You need to talk to our cousin because he was hosting us. You need to invite him. You have to talk to him nicely and push to bring them with us because they take care of us for a long time now. We have to repay them. Also go to our uncle Ainan, because they wanted to have invited by you, not us. It's like, okay, I'll do this, and you beg the leg and you do that. And they refuse to leave before cleaning everything.

They wouldn't leave without cleaning the house.

Yes, cleaning the house, kitchen, bathrooms, even.

Though you're fleeing bombing?

Yes, because that was actually weird from them. But this is how they think. And I really respect it because we leave it better than the way we had. This is how we show respect and we had to clean.

And then you left?

Yes.

Okay.

Then we left.

What is it?

It was the first time for them since the beginning of the war to see the sea. They were very excited and happy.

How did they respond to the tents when you showed them where they're staying?

I was expecting that they will feel like it's not nice, but they were happy. It's like, okay, it's nice. Good.

Did you feel nervous?

Yeah. I want them to see that to prove for them that I did my best. And I was checking on them inside the tents. What do you think? It's warm. There's two layers for the tent, one for the screen and one inside. And I was trying to convince them, as you know, these sale people who try to convince you to buy something.

That was you?

Exactly. That was me today. Good. We'll do with a bathroom here. We'll get something there. Here we can turn the fire. I was like, I'll get you Internet tomorrow and I will get you lights here. Our neighbors have a solar panel. He will connect us some lights. Yeah, I was doing that. Salem. And they were happy.

They were. Did they give you the response you wanted?

Yeah, it's like, yeah, it's nice. Also in our way. Coming. We went through one of the camps that people are just building tents in the streets, and they saw how miserable the situation is. And I meant to go there before taking them to our place.

You did it on purpose?

Exactly. Because I want them to see how people are living. So to prove for them that I did my best managing what I could. When I met them today, I found out that they didn't eat for two days. They only eat rice. So first thing I was thinking about, like, preparing a really big meal for them. And they were surprised. I had barbecues and kebab and. No.

So they had a meal. You had a meal together?

A very big one. It was very expensive one. But I was like, okay, I'll feed you until you had more than enough. Wow. After, like, fasting for two days, it was at worth to provide them with something really good.

Did they appreciate it a lot?

They were very happy. I was very happy also having this.

The next day, Yusuf went to work, his family getting settled right nearby. He made it a couple hours into the day when he got a call from his youngest sister, Asil.

It's too complicated.

Wait, tell me what happened with your sister.

So Asil today wanted to go to the bathroom, and she waited. So there is in the land next to us, they have a bathroom, and they're a friend of mine, and my neighbors is hosting more than 60 people, so they have to wait in line on this bathroom. It's a single bathroom.

Oh, wow.

Yes. And she cannot wait. She's pregnant, and it's a bit embarrassing for her. And so she start to cry. And then she called me while she was in line, so she tried several times. Then she were hopeless. Then she started to cry and decided to go back to Hanyunes. She decided that, and she called me and she told me, I'm leaving to hang on now. That changed the day. I had to go back to meet my sister, take her to the bathroom, spent an hour or more. I stopped the line.

How did the 60 people waiting respond to that?

It went okay. I told them, no one is getting inside. No one goes to the bathroom until my sister finished.

Was she seriously thinking about going back to hanyerness?

I don't think so. It shows me that she needs me. I need to find a solution. Now she's above the limit.

How pregnant is she? When is she due?

That's another alarming thing. So she is at the 7th month, about to finish it. So I guess she's going through a lot.

The whole week, Yusuf had been telling me he needed his family close to him. Now they're here. They're together in Rafa. They've moved from the very north of Gaza all the way down at the bottom edge of the Gaza Strip, on the border with Egypt. Yusuf was now responsible for his own camp of about 60 people, one of whom was eight months pregnant and all of whom were looking to him to tell them, what now? What's the plana?

Joffrey, Walt. Coming up, things do not go like Yusuf planned. That's in a minute from Chicago public Radio, when our program continues. This is american life. Amira glass. Today we're telling the story of Yusuf Hamash. He spent months moving his family from one place to another in Gaza, trying to keep them safe, until finally, at the end of last year, he got them all to Rafa. An enormous feat that. Okay, I don't want to idealize Yusuf here, but there are few people who have the special combination of resources and familial relationships and trust and also skills and planning abilities and really luck to pull off what Yusuf just pulled off, getting 60 people to Rafa, housed and together and seemingly for the moment safe. So by the beginning of this year, they're all settled in Rafa, waiting. But every day it is talked that Israel is going to launch a ground assault in Rafa next. And Asil, Yusuf's youngest sister, is about to give birth again. Here's Hannah.

I really wanted to talk to Yusuf'sister Asil, once he got the Malta Rapha. She was the one Yusuf was thinking about the most, talked about the most, the funny sister, the emotional sister, also the one most like Yusuf, resourceful, determined. Yusuf told me once Asil settled in Rafa, she quickly started taking things into her own hands. First of all, the tents Yusuf built, they were too crowded and loud. Asil built her own tent with her husband. Every time Yusuf went to visit the camp, he'd find everyone in a seal's tent hanging out. She began to rebuild other parts of her life there, too. Asil's a nurse. People in the camp began bringing her their medical questions. She'd advise follow up, try to source medications for them when she could. Asil's tent became part living room, part clinic. Yusuf had always told me a seal was his youngest and most stubborn sister. But when she arrived in Rafa, he added, she's also the least phased. Difficult things do not rattle Asil, which is why the moment she'd called him crying in line to the bathroom was so alarming to him.

Yeah, she usually doesn't complain. She doesn't complain. Usually Asil is the most between my sister. I look to Asil as the most wise. He's young, but he's expert. He's in love with nursing and all of that. He reads a lot. I spoke a lot about Asil, and trust me, you will be surprised when you talk to him.

It was really hard to reach Asil.

Hello?

Hi, Asil, this is Khana.

Hi. Finally.

Hi. Finally, the famous sister. The Internet is okay now.

Yeah.

Okay. Did I lose you? It was not okay.

The Internet is really bad.

1 minute. Okay. There was no Internet at the tents and hardly any cell connection. I try catch a seal on the Internet at Yusuf's office or on her phone.

Hi, Hannah.

Hi. Can you hear me?

Yeah.

Okay, we will. Okay. Okay. I learned things in scraps of conversation that were maybe two or three minutes long. Some voice memos, text messages. Just as a Seal had managed her situation at the camp, she took control of her plans for childbirth, too. Asil told me she'd never been fearful of childbirth. She'd seen lots of births. As a nurse. She was actually working in labor and delivery in Gaza City. When the war started, she'd imagined it. She could do it, she said. When it comes to health care matters, I'm capable of controlling the situation for myself and those around me. When she had to flee her home, leave behind the doctor she loved and the hospital she'd planned to deliver in Asil just made a new plan. She found a new hospital and a new doctor in Kanunes. When that fell apart and she fled to Rafa, Asil brought Yusuf into her planning process. In Rafa, Asil and Yusuf worked in tandem. They figured out where she could deliver a small maternity hospital. They mapped out a route to the hospital. Rafa's so packed with traffic and people now, it can take hours to get across the city.

So Yusuf studied routes and Google Maps, and he practiced driving to the hospital on back streets, through farmland and bumpy dirt roads. Asil didn't want to bring a newborn back to the tent in the cold. So Yusuf asked the NRC if Asil and the baby could stay with him and the other staff living at the NRC office, just for a bit after the birth. They said yes. At the camp, they got the bathroom up and running. Four days after Asil arrived. By late January, Yusuf and Asil had a bathroom, a route to the hospital, and a postpartum plan. There was only one thing Asil desperately wanted that she couldn't make happen herself. She told me in Arabic when we were finally able to talk for a longer stretch.

I've always prayed that I won't give birth until there's a truce. I don't want to start experiencing labor pain before there's a truce. God willing, it will happen every day.

There were small glimmers of a possible truce. Negotiations were underway for a ceasefire between Israel and Hamas. It was the last week of January. Asil was due February 4, with or without a truce. Asil and Yusuf had a plan. Then, five days before her due date, they had an unexpected dry run that tested their plan. A seal had contractions in the middle of the night. Yusuf raced her to the hospital. It was a false alarm. The contraction subsided. But for the first time, Asil got to see what it looked like inside the hospital.

When you enter the hospital, there's an unimaginable number of displaced people. It's full of displaced people. When we were standing at the door, there was a woman coming from Abbasan in Khan Yunus. They were displaced, and she came to the hospital in labor. Her water had already broken. She was standing at the door, waiting in line because there are five or six beds inside, and they are all full. She was waiting for her turn to get examined, even though she couldn't stand. The baby came out. While she was waiting at the door.

You saw her give birth, Asia? Yeah.

The baby is all. The baby came out and they laid her down on the floor to deliver the baby right there. There were no beds, not even in the maternity ward. They laid her down on the floor and the midwife, or the doctor, came to deliver the baby with her on the ground.

Oh, wow. In front of you?

Yeah. I feared that I would be in her place. I imagined myself in her place, waiting for my turn to go in for labor, but then for it to happen.

At the door that night in the hospital, everything suddenly felt very real to Asil. She was about to give birth in a tiny hospital that used to have around 20 births a day and now sometimes had 100. She would be delivering her first baby in a city that had 200,000 people just a few months ago and now had 1.5 million. She was about to give birth in a hospital in the middle of a war that had killed 600 people inside medical facilities and obliterated the vast majority of healthcare services. She was about to have a child in a war where more than 10,000 children have been killed so far. Asil couldn't get unpregnant. She could pray for a ceasefire, but she couldn't wait for one. Asil had imagined her birth so clearly before the war, but now she was imagining it in ways she never had before. What if she delivered at the hospital on the floor? What if she delivered in her tent alone? What if israeli tanks came into Rafa while she was in labor? What if she was naked, pushing a baby out when an israeli soldier showed up at the door to her tent?

Thinking about this by itself plants terror in my heart that I could give birth and see the soldiers. The mere sight of the soldiers scares me.

And what if, after she delivered her baby, she started bleeding? One horrifying thing Asil knew was happening in Gaza right now is women who hemorrhage after birth are sometimes being given hysterectomies. I've talked to doctors and a midwife in Gaza who told me this is happening. It's happening for lots of reasons. Hospitals don't have the routine medications that help stop bleeding after birth. They also don't have staff. The staff they do have don't have time. Pregnant women are coming in malnourished, sometimes with injuries and other complications, and they're going into labor severely. Anemic so if they hemorrhage after birth, which happens sometimes, things quickly become life threatening. They're using hysterectomies in Gaza because hysterectomies can be the fastest and safest way to save lives. Of all the very real possibilities, Asil was now imagining this was the one she feared the most. She'd deliver her baby, start bleeding, and they'd take her uterus. That night in the hospital, she begged a doctor for his attention. Is it safe here? I'm a medical professional. She said, please help me. The doctor told her, if you can deliver somewhere else, you should. Asil walked out of the hospital to the car where Yusuf was waiting and told him, I cannot have my baby here.

I could see it in her eyes today. I don't think I have the capacity to translate into English what she was saying, but it's related to medical stuff that she saw with other females there. So I was like, no, I'll find you a solution tomorrow. I'll figure it out.

Yusuf began calling people he knew, asking about other options for delivering a baby in Rafa, maybe a private doctor who could deliver outside the hospital. But those conversations quickly became other conversations. His coworkers, friends said, but, yusuf, are you seeing this? Did you see what Yoav Galant just said? The israeli defense minister, he's saying Rafa is next.

Yoav Gallant, who said that when we finish from Hanunis, we will go into Rafa. And that's a huge question. For example, from where I am staying, the israeli tanks in al Aqsa University, it's less than 1 can hear the tanks moving clearly. I can hear the clashes clearly. And I think if the Israelis decided to continue the ground operation in Rafa, it's going to take them three minutes to arrive. Me.

When Yusuf thinks of those three minutes, he's not just thinking of himself, he's thinking of the 60 people he moved from other parts of Gaza to here. He's thinking how he promised this was the safest place to be building that.

Camp, hosting these families. And then if the Israelis decided to start the ground operation in Rafa, it's going to be like an ambush. It's going to be like I create an ambush for these families, bringing families to live in that place. Then the Israelis came, killing. I don't know.

It's going to be on you.

Yes. At least I will feel it on me. Also. Their relatives, their father in laws, all of them hosting them in the cab by pill. So I'm also responsible, at least to inform these families that it's not safe here. I remember what happened in Hannunus also when they start talking Hannis and they destroy the entire city.

I know. I can't believe you're in this situation again. This is exactly where you were when we talked in early December.

That's a long time. That's a long time.

Are you thinking about moving again?

I had to think about the options that I have if we are going. I was thinking about Derbella.

Why der Bala? Why was that a place that you looked?

This is the only areas that considered safe by the Israelis. They said either Rafa or Derril Bala. But today I was looking for the statistics of Darul Bala on a daily basis. There is at least five targeted, five houses targeted in Darryl Bala. So I have to think more twice about that. You cannot make a decision because nothing's clear.

Yeah. And did you find a doctor for a seal?

Yes. Wow.

You found a doctor already?

Yeah.

Is it incredibly expensive?

She found it. We didn't agree yet, but I told him, I will pay whatever you want. I just want to be safe and in appropriate place and all of that. So I don't care about financial things.

February 3. The day before her due date, Yusuf, the private doctor, and Asil agreed on a new plan. She would deliver at a clinic outside the hospital. The doctor promised they were equipped to deal with complications there without doing a hysterectomy. Five days later. February 8. Still no baby. February 9. The prime minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu, ordered the military to develop a plan to evacuate Rafa to clear the way for a ground assault on Rafa. That same day, I got a message from Yusuf. Asil is currently in the hospital for the birth. I called several hours later. Yusuf was outside the hospital waiting. Asil was inside with his wife and their mom. He told me the baby had arrived. She was healthy, but he wasn't sure about his sister.

For a seal, she's still under watch inside, unfortunately, she was bleeding, so we are waiting.

She's bleeding.

She did a natural birth, but I think she had an issue, and she was bleeding. All of the doctors at the hospital were running, trying to control it so they couldn't get inside, because I was the small window that there's so many doctors around her, and it's like, what's going on there? He told me that he's bleeding, and we're trying to control it. And then after that, he informed me that they control it, but they have to wait a bit.

Was her husband there?

Yeah, his husband is very young, so that's why I have to be there, even to react. For everything I feel was like, I want you to feel and write my mother. So many women are screaming around, and I cannot keep hearing her screaming. That's why I had to go out. I had to leave.

Hi, Asil. Hi, Mabru library Creek. How are you doing?

Thank you.

A week after she gave birth, I reached Asil in Yusuf's office. She was in bed with her mom and her new baby. She was incredibly weak and she could not walk. Instead of the careful plan a seal and Yusuf made, she told me something very different happened. Her water broke in the middle of the night. They couldn't reach the private doctor, and Yusuf couldn't get to a seal quickly enough to drive her. So a friend took her to exactly the place she didn't want to go to hospital. When she got there, she waited in the hallway, just as she feared, 12 hours in labor. She was begging for a room, a bed, for someone to help her.

There was no room for me. There was no anesthetics, no nothing. I couldn't stand. I couldn't sit. I couldn't do anything. My sister spoke with the nurse there, and she told her I couldn't stand in line and that I was about to give birth.

There was no chair for you to sit on?

No, no. There was no chairs at all. There was only the doctor's chair, and I took it from her.

Asil sat in the hallway on the stolen chair for more hours, more contractions. She felt the baby's head, the need to push. Finally, they called her back, rushed her to a bed. But Isil looked at the bed and froze.

The bedsheet on it was the same one the woman before me gave birth on. It was covered in blood, so I took it off and told them to get the cleaner to wipe the bed.

While you were in labor?

Yes. I couldn't sit in the bed, even with my pain. I'm willing to endure the pain a bit, but in a clean place and deliver the baby in a clean, sanitized place, in bed.

Asil immediately had to push. She pushed, feeling utter panic. Pushed and pushed without stopping, without brakes. She had an internal hemorrhage. The doctor made an incision to make the opening bigger. She bled more. The whole day, Asil had been directing the people around her for a chair, for a clean sheet. But once the baby arrived, she lost control. The nurses took the baby, then a seal hemorrhaged for 3 hours while doctors tried to stop the bleeding.

Five doctors came in. I couldn't stay with them. I couldn't keep my eyes open. After about an hour of stitching and 28 stitches, there was no anesthesia or anything. I was appealing to God. 28 stitches between internal and external. I couldn't speak back to them or tell them that I was dizzy. I couldn't speak to them at all. I had surrendered to the pain. He told me that if it didn't work, they'll be forced to do a hysterectomy. I kept quiet and prayed that it wouldn't happen. I wasn't present, but I felt the thread going in. I felt the prick of the needle. I was crying a lot and praying to God that it would be the last stitch. Every time I prayed it would be the last stitch, they told me there was one more. You're almost there. This is the last one. I couldn't wait to leave the room. I couldn't move and I was calling for my brother, saying I can't do it and for someone to get me out.

You were calling for Yusuf?

Yeah.

Why?

Because he would try to control the bad things that happen to us. For me, it was like, you can help me in this matter too. Come save me.

Eventually, the doctors finished the stitches and gave Asil a blood transfusion. An obstetrician practicing in Gaza told me Asil was very lucky the hospital had blood that day. All the donated blood is from within Gaza and most days there's not enough. Asil lost so much blood she couldn't see clearly. Normally after hemorrhaging that much, you'd stay in the hospital for a few days. It's hard to move. You're weak in pain. There's danger of infection, fainting. She had the stitches, but Asil was desperate to get out of there.

They told me not to leave because I couldn't get up. The stitches hurt a lot. I told them I wanted to leave because the place is not clean and because the displaced go there so you can't get rest. Yusuf came to the hospital entrance. I couldn't get myself there, so I used a chair. They didn't have a wheelchair, so I used a normal chair for support and I walked. I took the elevator down to the car.

You had to get yourself to the elevator? With the help of a chairman.

I used the chair to get to the elevator and when I got down, there's a ten meter long hallway or something like that.

Oh, my God.

So I used the chair for support until I got to the car. Yusuf then carried me into the car. He carried me and put me inside the cartulid. I didn't even pay attention to the baby's features until I got a blood transfusion and started to feel better.

What did she look like when you were able to see her?

When I first saw her, I said she looked a lot like Yusuf and his little.

Oh, really, Ahmed?

Yeah, yeah.

Did you feel happy about.

Yeah, yeah. It was one of the longest days of my life.

That picture is so beautiful of you.

With the baby when I take it. And I was happy and excited. Yeah.

You look much skinnier. I hope it's okay to say that.

Yeah. I lost so much, know, canned food. Yeah, that's fine.

Yusuf said, holding the baby, he felt immense relief.

It reduced all that pressure that I was having for a couple of months about that moment, and finally I reach. It was a glimmer of hope, and I was waiting to have that feeling, all of that period, all that pressure in my head every day about pregnancy, when she's going to do the birth, where, blah, blah, blah. All of that is over.

He got a seal and the baby home from the hospital, or at least to the office that is now home, where he'd created a bed for them to share with his mom. Everyone went to sleep that night. At one in the morning, Yusuf woke up to bombing. It was louder and brighter than anything he'd experienced in Rafa before. It felt like it was right nearby. Inside Rafa house was shaking.

Huge bombardment, children screaming. I thought that the Israelis call us, they start the operation, and I will find the tanks in front of my lace, and that's it. I was about to prepare my underwear because this is the way they take us. Men wearing only underwear.

Wait, why? Were you going to put on your underwear?

No, actually, I was joking. But usually there's ladies when they collect men, whenever they go on the ground, and they collect men about 16 years old, wearing only underwear.

You mean they make them take off their clothes?

Yeah.

Oh, that's a dark thought to have in the middle of the night.

Actually, I was joking. I was telling Manel that my wife. I need to prepare the underwear. Should be warm. It's part of our life experience. So. Sorry, it's kind of a joke. I know it's a dark humor, but that's me.

What did your wife say?

It wasn't actually the right moment to make jokes. I don't usually find the right timing to make jokes.

Manal was not appreciating your joke at that.

No. Yeah. We had to collect the kid between us and trying to warm them and to calm them. So we tried to get them back to sleep, but because nothing we can do more than that.

In the morning, Yusuf was finally able to get online and figure out what just happened the night before. That night, Israel rescued two israeli hostages from Rafa. Two older men who'd been held captive for months, since October 7, and Israel killed. According to the Gaza health ministry, at least 94 Palestinians. Amnesty International says half the people killed in Rafa that night were children, including a two week old baby girl. That was ISl's first night out of the hospital in bed with her mom next to her, praying through 6 hours of bombing and the baby crying.

I couldn't move or anything. I was scared. I waited for Yusuf to come down in the morning and asked him if there's going to be a ground invasion in Rafa because I couldn't walk, I couldn't carry the baby and stand.

Yeah. What did he say?

He said, don't worry, that won't happen. I told him all I was worried about happened. Waiting in line in the hospital happened, the difficult labor happened, and now they are entering here. No, at least this one shouldn't happen.

Are you starting to doubt his reassurances when he says, don't worry?

No. For me, what he says is what happens. I believe him.

Right now, there are dozens of people waiting to see what Yusuf says, what he's lining up for them next. He's launched into overdrive, calling friends, colleagues, carefully parsing official statements on a possible rafa invasion and looking for a place they could flee to, a building that's still standing, a piece of land he can rent and build tents. Exactly what he was doing when I first called him back in early December. Only now he's exhausted, he's skinnier, his sister just had a baby and can't walk. Yusuf has been quite ill several times, and 30,000 Palestinians have been killed since the war started. And it's not over right now. For the first time since Yusuf began moving his family on October eigth to keep them safe, Yusuf is not finding options this time. There really may not be anywhere to go.

Actually, to be honest, I don't want to think about that because I know there is no solution. And it's going to be just a headache to go through. Details. What I will do, what asil? What about Hadeel? What about Hiba? What about Salzabeel? What about my wife and the children, my mother? And it's responsibility, above responsibility. And unfortunately, this time, I'm completely useless. Because I ran out of options. When I think about it deeply, there is no solution. There is no option ahead of me. So what I'm going to do.

I have never heard you talk like that, Yusuf. I've never heard you say that. You're always the guy that's like, yeah, I'll figure it out. I'll call so and so tomorrow or no, we don't have it right now.

But I don't have enough resources to manage this now. It's chaotic situation and I don't think I am mentally stable to take a decision now. I'm trying to avoid thinking about it because I'm not prepared, because I don't have solutions. I don't have options ahead of me. When I have options, I'll start to think deeply about it. But up to now, I'm completely useless. I'm calling my friends who are scattered everywhere in Gaza and they just keep searching, but I cannot find. My friend called me several times, actually, so I need to talk to him. Maybe I can call you back after?

Sure, yeah.

Okay. Just if I will try to get some news from.

Okay.

Thank you, Hannah. Thank you.

Okay, bye. Thank you.

Bye bye bye.

Hanajafi Wald is one of the producers of our show. Our program was produced and edited today by Nancy Update. People who put together today's show include Jane Ackerman, Jindai Bonds, Sean Cole, Michael Comete, Catherine Raimondo, Safia Riddle, Ryan Rummery, Laura Sturcheski, Francis Swanson, Christopher Osatala, Matt Tierney, Julie Whitaker and Diane Wu. Our managing editors Sara Abdurahman, our senior editors, David Kestenbaum, our executive editors, Emmanuel Barry, arabic interpreters and translators and research help from Emna Jhraal, Nabil Shalkat and Hani Heswali. Asil's english translation was read for us by Tara aboud. Casting help from Sabrina Hyman. Special thanks to Shayna Lowe, Anas Baba, Brian Kastner, Drawer Sadot, Mark Glasgow, Dr. Debbie Harrington, Dr. Tanya Hajj Hassan, and Anja Beigold. Our website, thisamericanlife.org. You can stream our archive of over 800 episodes for absolutely free. Also, there's videos, there's lists of favorite shows to help you find something to listen to when you want to listen to it again. Thisamericanlife.org. This american life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the Public radio exchange. Thanks as always to our program's co founder, Mr. Tori Malatia. I'm Ira Glass. Back next week with more stories of this american life.

This week on this american life. The true story of the late Carlton Pearson, who was a rising star in the evangelical movement at a huge megachurch. And then God spoke to him. Carlton Pearson said, God told him that everyone is going to heaven whether you believe in Jesus or not. Nobody's going to hell. He started to preach that. Spoiler alert. This does not go well for him. This next week on the podcast or in your local public radio station.