All right. It don't have to be perfect, guys. It's just life. It's just life. I'm talking to myself, really. But also, whoever's listening, it doesn't have to be perfect, baby. It's just life. The perfection has already been done. That's one thing I got to remember a lot of times. The perfection has already been done by a higher power. I just got to show up and just try my best, baby. Happy Valentine's to you. That's what's going on. It's love, baby. You could hear Cupid drawing that bow back, and you don't know where he is. He could be on a rooftop. He could be in a backyard. You'll be walking along, and then, what's that? And next thing you see, baby, you're going to want to hump, baby. You know what I'm talking about? You're going to want to hump it or do something with it or just rub up against it. God, show me something. God. But that's who Cupid is, baby. Cupid out there, he got that thing on him. He got that draco, that love bow on him. You get hit. He's the damn Chris Kyle of love. Just. And look, I think they should put a Cupid on every building in the town and let him just start popping off and just light the world up with love, baby.

That's what I would like to see. Because sometimes, look, man, he'll hit you, and next thing you know, you out there, you touching on the milk, man. You get hit by Cupid's arrow, and next thing you know, you out there, you trying to lip lock on the damn at and t service provider, you trying to slurp face on some dude with a couple of damn cables in his truck. If you get lit, you get lit. And that's the thing, to be lit up with love. That's the thing. I want to be love all the time. Not even to be in love with somebody, but just to just feel that energy. That's what I want to know. And sometimes you get hit by Cupid's arrow when next thing you see the damn mailman or something and you trying to flex on him, you trying to reach in his bag and sniff all of his perfume samples or whatever. You trying to nose up that bag, baby, that delivery sack he's got on him, he's trying to just huff on everything he's got. And male person, I should say. I don't think you say male, man. I'll be honest with you.

Yes, I've called a male woman or female, I guess a woman who was delivering mail. I don't know what they want to be called or don't, but I called one of them, this lady. I'm not going to say she seemed like a guy or whatever, but I think if somebody saw her, they'd say, hey, fella, what up? So she kind of was given off that. She was given a lot of dude. And anyway, it's okay. It is what it is, baby. I don't know what I'm talking about, and I never have. But happy Valentine's. That's what I want to say. It's a day to think about love. It's a time to feel about love. We got some beautiful tunes right here, too. Let me crack into a couple of instrumentals right here's. That's that mexicano love, that amore a amor. You want some? I want amore. That's that mexican love, bro. And that's. Look, that's mexican love. That shit can get latino love or whatever. Amor de amigos. Elatinos mexicanos legales amigos. But that's the love. Like, mexican love is wild because a latino girl, she'll like, be, I love you. And then she'll be like, I'm going to tear your heart out and cook it at your father's home.

And you're like, okay, that seemed like a lot. They'll be like, I love you so much, mi hermano. Yo vivo amor bor you. I'm going to saw your feet off your body and hide them in the desert. Okay. Well, they just very passionate. That's a passionate group right there. But they got love over there. That mexican love, baby. What else we got? And that's lejos de t by Clara Mindes. That's who that was. Beautiful. Instrumental. Let's pull in another tune we got here. This is somebody you. This is somebody probably jerking off by. In a park, by a pond or something like that. Just feeding the ducks, as they call it in a lot of homeless cultures, I believe so. That's a sad one. That's a sad one for Valentine's, but it's a sad one. Okay, let's hear another one if we got.

Here.

Okay. It's that funk love, baby. The Disco baby. Yeah, let me hide a little bit of LSD up in you.

Oh, that's morning light.

And, girl, let me come over. Oh, yeah, that's one of them body wash brothers right there. That dude. That's the kind of guy who just use a lot of body wash right there. You could tell by his voice. Listen to that man. Oh, yeah.

Let me wash your body tonight.

That's a guy. He just got unlimited body wash. You call him over, he roll right into your place. He'll wash your body. He'll wash his body. That's the guy. He got the body wash on him. That's that body wash man, right there.

Maybe we could try again. We could try again. Let me wash your body, girl.

That's that man. That's that fella right there. That's for sure. And that is Victor Lundberg featuring Ed Mills right there. Yeah. Happy to be here with you. Fresh off of the Super bowl. Hope everybody enjoyed seeing that. Yeah, I watched it. I was cheering for the 49 ers. You know, I just. I just wanted them to win. I felt like they were supposed to win last year. At least get there. I was kind of getting tired of the whole Taylor swift, just the bowl aspect or just. It was too much. Like, jeez, what do we just. It was too much. And then the game felt so much more. Like, it just stopped the game so much for commercials. It felt like the commercials was the game at some points, and then the game was the commercial. Yeah. I just wanted them to win. I kind of always want whoever's, like, people don't think is going to win, to win. I think 95 times out of 98 times, that's what I want. I like the underdog, because if the underdog wins, it makes you believe in possibility more. And I think I like that. I think there's something about that that I like, but, oh, it's been a while, man.

I know it's been a while since you've had a solo episode and. Yeah, let's crack into it. What's going on? I guess it's a time to maybe think about love. It's a time to think about love and loving somebody. Trying to think of the first time I was in love. Well, I remember. I think it was probably like the. I remember seeing this girl I was at, like, I don't know where I was. Travel. I was on a little vacation with my buddy, and he lives across the street. And he would like. He kind of, I think, was supposed to be twins, but they never formed or whatever, because he would say something. He would be like, how are you today? And then under his breath, he'd be like, yeah, how are you today? And you'd be like, almost as if there was. It would be like, hey, what do you feel like doing? And then you'd be like, yeah, what do you feel like doing. And it was almost like there was like a twin inside of him that never developed but was still, like, down in there, like, yelling shit out of him.

But anyway. Oh, yeah. But his family, there was a beautiful family, and his dad would let us rake leaves at their house sometimes, and that was just something fun to do in the area. But what took me one time camping or something, or just drove me off into the woods to look at something or something for a few hours, and there was a girl by this river, by this stream, and she was getting some water out of the stream or something, like crouched down getting some water. And it had like a very kind of native american kind of vibe to it, I think. I think maybe she had a ponytail in or something. And I just remember seeing her and I remember being like, oh, my God, what is going on? I just, like, my whole chest and throat and the whole front of me felt like a magnet started up in it, like a magnetic field started up into it. And it made me think, oh, my God, I want to just stand close to her, but also be afar from her. It was kind of just like a magnet. When you take two magnets that are the same and they kind of push each, but it was that same energy, kind of.

I don't know. It was the first time that this force field ever occurred inside of me. And that was a time that I had first felt some love, I remember. And then what else? Oh, I had a lady that drove us to. And happy February, too, if anybody celebrates months or whatever. But, yeah, I had a lady that drove us to, oh, she drove us to summer camp and she was like a babysitter or something. I don't remember her name. I wish I did. God, I just wish I knew even just four or three of the letters of her name so I could just lay on my back and just fucking think about her. But I was, I think maybe ten or nine. Yeah, she drove it. And I felt so cool. It was the first time I'd ever ridden somewhere with a woman or with a girl. So I think it really stood out in my head. And we got in the car, and I remember closing the door and be like, oh, my God, it's just me and her in this car. And I just fucking wanted to take my own eyes out of my face and just hide them into my butt, man.

That was it. I was just that nervous or whatever that I just. Yeah, I wanted to take both of my eyes, literally take my eyes out of my face and put them into my butt. Or put them into, like, a little bag or something, because seeing the fact that I was taking in that she and I were in the same place and she was going to start driving. And once she started driving, I'm like, we're going somewhere. What could happen? Are we married? It was just so much energy. Oh, and before we took off, she reached over and put my seatbelt on, and, my God, whatever eyeballs I had in my butt just came right out at that moment. My eyes were just falling out of my ass. Yeah, it was just. God. Because just the fact she reached over and put it and clicked it in because she had to lean over and I think she had a necklace on. It was just, like the first woman. I'd been, like, that close around. And she drove us to summer camp. She was the counselor, and she drove us over there. I think my mom had set it up because my mom was going to work, and so she set it up where one of the counselors picked us up.

And, God, I just remember thinking, I hope that God lets us get married or whatever. And then she played Bon Jovi in the car. Let's sing a song for the broken hearted.

On a bright.

God dude. And I'd never heard a song. I'd heard songs, but only, like, dumb shit, like the wheels on the bus go rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant. Or whatever that kind of shit was. Whatever. Children's shit. I'd never listened to, like, a woman play a song like that. So those were some of those early times of love. Those were some of those early times of love. Anyway, sorry to go down that memory road, but I just. God, it's just so interesting how it's not there in your world, and then it starts to show up that there's this power that the opposite sex has, that there's this intrigue and that there's just this innate, just. Damn, God. And now if somebody's in love, almost people say they have autism or whatever. It's like there's new shows out now where it's like, hey, these people are in love. Look how autistic they are. It's like what? It's like they're trying to convince us that if you are in love, you are almost mentally handicapped. Isn't that crazy? Or emotionally handicapped. No offense to anybody. If anybody has autism, either. So I've been there. A lot of us have been there.

You know what I'm saying?

Hey, we want autism. Hey, we want autism.

Yeah. So those are some early times that I felt love and lust. And then I remember we got invited to a trailer one time, and some girl just let me feel on the outside of her pants for probably 70 minutes. We were waiting for pizza, and the pizza guy got into a car accident, I guess, and the pizza was supposed to come sooner, but it didn't. And so she just kept letting me feel on her pants. I just knew everything about those pants. At some point, I think that pizza guy was, like, in a really bad accident. He may have ended up in heaven even, but I want to say thank you to him. Thank you to him. Because I definitely remember those jeans, those baby girl jeans she had on. And that's just such a time in somebody's life when they touch somebody. When you first touch somebody, and we take calls for that sometimes. If you ever had an experience in life where you touched somebody, touched your body or you touched somebody else's body, it could be same sex or opposite sex, gays or straights. And if you did it and you just remember it or how strange it was.

I remember a lady called in a few years ago who had gotten somebody touched her couter in an empty refrigerator box, and that was just fascinating to everyone. So, yeah, if you have had a unique experience of having your body touched somewhere for the first time, it was that first time that it ever happened. I know we've all been there. I remember a gal ejacked me off into a stream near her home, and it was just at the same time I was just blasting out into this stream, and all my semen was just going off to war. It felt like it was in the navy or whatever. It just went off out into the water. But, yeah, love is in the air, and we got a love fella in the house today. Riley Mao. How are you, brother? When I started podcasting, I didn't think I'd ever have an online store. It wasn't part of it. And now we're selling be good to yourself hoodies on there and different items that people love. And it's all because of Shopify. That's right. It's so easy with Shopify. Shopify is the global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business.

And that's been the best thing is as things have scaled or adjusted, if they've gone up or down, it's been easy with Shopify. Sign up for a one dollars per month trial period@shopify.com. Theo all lowercase. Go to shopify.com th e o now to grow your business. No matter what stage you're in shopify.com, Theo. And we got a love fella in the house today. Riley mao. How are you, brother?

Doing well.

Have you blasted that corn stalk yet? You popped that corn stalk or. What's going on with you, daddy? How's your love life? Bubba, get us the latest man you linked up.

Well, I almost had something happen yesterday.

No.

Yep. It was during the super Bowl. A friend of mine invited me and. Actually, I shouldn't say a friend of mine. Just someone I knew.

Okay. A stranger. Go on.

And we were hanging out, and everything was great. And this other guy shows up.

No. So you met up with the girl and everything was great, and you're, what, watching the Super bowl? Yeah. Wow. And are you at a busy place? Is it just you two somewhere? Are you watching it on a phone? Are you listening to it on a stereo? What are you doing? No.

Yeah, we were just at a bar.

Okay, you're at a bar and a dude showed up? Yeah.

No, yeah, I saw him and I knew something was going to happen.

And what was he wearing? Was he dressed pretty well?

He just had slacks on and nice jacket.

Fuck him. Did he know that you were there with her? Yeah. Oh, so he rode in. Right. Okay. So he shows up. Now what do you do? Are you posturing a little or. What happened?

I'm just chilling. I'm sitting next to her, and everything's going great, and I get up to use the bathroom, and once I get back, he.

That's normal, dude. Go make toilet. That's normal. Go on.

And he's in my seat next to her.

What the f. A white guy?

No.

Wow. A mixed guy. Yeah.

More darker.

Okay, so he slid in? Yes. No. And then what did you do? Did you just kind of, like, loiter in the distance? Kind of angrily? A little. Yeah, I've done that. God. I've done that. Some guy shows up and then like, ugh, I don't stand a fucking chance. Let me just go hide my head inside of my fucking Honda Civic. Let me just go back. Let me just slam my head in the car door of my Honda Civic. That's how much I'm worth. Did your feelings get hurt, or you still feel like you were in the game?

They were hurt a little, but I thought I still had some.

What? So what happened then?

So then he went up to buy a shot, so I took my seat back.

Oh, my God. Bro. Bro. Come at me, bro, with that fucking karate game boy. Come at me with that fucking Kim Chi, bro. You're sliding in with that fucking korean ninja chop. And then what?

Then.

So he came back from getting shots for who? Him and her? Yeah. And you were in his seat? Yeah. Let's go. That's what I'm talking about. And then what happened?

And then he left.

Okay.

He went to a different bar. It was just me and her.

Nice.

And I invited her to a different bar that I was going to go to.

Okay, and hurry it up, man. What else happened?

And she basically just said, no, I'm going to go to this bar with the other guy.

No. Oh, man. God, bro, I'm sorry, man. Do you think it's over?

Probably.

Fuck. It's okay, bro. It happens to everybody. Damn. So has been the closest thing that's happened for love since we talked to you last.

No, I did have my second kiss.

No way. Come on. Damn. Let me think about my first kiss. Part of sometimes I can't remember, there was a couple of little kisses. I remember. Well, one girl, lady at summer camp too, also let all the boys look down her shirt and. God, I just fucking. I remember saying I didn't see anything. And they let me look one more time, I guess, or whatever, because I think I looked the first time and I was so just overwrought with the possibility of seeing some girl's chest that I literally couldn't fucking see. Who are those people that can't see in the Bible, Riley?

Um.

We'll just look it up. Okay. Yep. All right. Yeah, I just remembered that. And we were fucking looking and by the end her shirt collar was. Damn. We put 20 inches on her, on her shirt collar. I mean, it was everybody just trying to look at them and I can't remember if they were huge or even nonexistent. She could have been a man in a wig. And that was, I think at like twelve maybe, when you were just starting a fucking. You're so horned out. You're so horned out. I had a neighbor, if he saw his dog humping something outside, he'd have to go, jerk know. And you're. Well, that's. That seems to be a problem, I.

Feel like because Paul and Ezekiel.

Paul and Ezekiel. God. Wow. Chris Paul. No, who is it? What's the guy's full name?

Just Paul.

Oh, just Paul. Just Paul and Ezekiel. And they were. Yep. From what.

It just says, two years before his death, Ezekiel became.

Yep.

And then Paul experienced temporary.

Oh, that's probably from pleasure in himself. That's one of the big issues is back then, wasn't there a rule, like there was a fear if you masturbated at times that you would go blind, you would literally jerk your sight right out of your. Like, you were spraying your sight right out of your wiener. I remember that. I remember people coming around the area and at school they had pamphlets or whatever saying, do not jerk off. Do not masturbator. They'd have a guy touching, like reaching for a hot dog. They always had to use these euphemisms or whatever. So they'd have a guy, like, reaching for a hot dog or shifting the gear shift in his car. And it would be like, don't do it. Or this. And then it would be like a picture of just like, a guy falling into a ditch or something with a walking stick or somebody getting hit by a blind guy, getting hit by something or whatever. But anyway. Damn, Riley. Well, you're still out there, so you've had two kisses, though. Yeah. All right, we'll check back in in a little bit and find out about the other one because I don't know.

Did you ever tell us about the other one?

I did not.

Okay, well, we're going to check back in with you in a little bit and find out about that. Man. I want to get to some calls here and. Yeah, I just want to see what's going on. I know it's been a while since was solo episode. Just got off of the think. Just, I don't know, I feel all over the place a little bit, but that's how I feel sometimes. These know, and maybe that's how we all feel. I don't know what else. Let's look at the news here that came in right now. We got Biden dropped an unhinged tweet immediately after the Super bowl. So that's interesting. Just like we drew it up, he said, and it's a picture of him with alien type of eyes. Biden has lost it. Biden has lost it. I believe, and we talked about this months ago, that you shouldn't have no senior citizen out there pretending to be a safe president. At a certain point, everybody's mind goes on. Sometimes your mind goes to heaven before you do. You see people wandering around. Their mind's been in heaven. Their mind's smoking weed in heaven or drinking in heaven, maybe dating, even dating women or men in heaven if you have a gay brain or whatever, and they're still down here on earth wandering around, eating jello, bothering people, yelling the n word sometimes.

Some of that's. And I think that's where we're getting with Biden. It's getting to the point with Biden where he's basically a scarecrow that has a popular job. They're keeping him away from microphones. He is extremely close to dropping the n word. There's no. And I'm going, he's oddly hip in some of his slang sometimes. So I would go probably a, I don't think he's going hard r. I don't know how bad he is mentally, but every old person, I feel like before they completely lose their mind, yells the n word. And I don't know if that's true, but I've seen a lot of that. Or they say it or they, yeah, they are doing. So anyway, I'm just curious to see at least I think what we got to do is we need to get, obviously, Biden hasn't huffed a child in a while. We need to get some seven year olds, some eleven year olds, some 14 year old girls that he can huff their hair, just give him a couple of fucking hits to make it to November because the guy is falling apart. He's falling apart. He's very close to yelling the n word at someone.

And you got to get him what he needs. You got to get him what he needs. And what he wants is obviously to sniff children. To sniff a children. Let him sniff a children if it's going to get him through the end of his job so he can retire or whatever they're going to do. Sell his body for glue, I'm not sure. But you can't pretend that the guy is doing well, guys, out of his mind. He did call Netanyahu a bitch or something the other day and that I thought was pretty cool. What else do we have here? Any other news? Shane Gillis is going to host SNL. Unbelievable. Wow. Part of me wonders if at the last minute he's going to be like, hey, sorry, guys, it's just not for me. Kind of like they did to him. That'd be interesting. But good for him, man. Congrats to Shane. That guy. He is so funny. He is so funny, man. God, I just think he's so funny. What else? Tucker Carlson interviewed Vladimir Putin. Watch that. Really interesting. Really interesting. It's almost crazy. And I'm just saying this, I'm not sure of this.

It's almost crazy that it feels like we're almost trying to see if we can get any real information about our own country from, like, did anybody else have a moment where they're, huh, maybe because I believe our media is just extremely compromised. I just believe that I believe that it's all bullshit. A lot of me believes that I could be wrong. I'm not saying I'm definite, but a lot of me believes that. That it's all we've just been. Yeah. It just doesn't, you know, that's what I. A lot of me thinks that, except you have independent journalists. You got independent people trying to get out there and make things happen. That's just what I thought that was interesting. It's like I'm listening almost to see if I can get any real information because, yeah, I think Russia is just an old dude. Russia is an old guy who's set in his ways, who just wants to sit over there and drink oil and look at tits or, uh, and just ride off into the sunset. I don't believe that. They're like a superpower or nothing. It's just a lot of rusty tanks. It's a lot of children playing with heavy stone dolls.

Dolls made out of stone. You'll see an 18 month old with, like, an eleven pound doll, and they're carrying it. Resilient folks. Anyway, that's about the news, I think. Yeah. We just went to the Warner Theater in Erie, Pa, and I gotta recommend it. If you ever get a chance to go to the Warner theater. It is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in America. It's a piece of history. I think the renovation is a $30 million. In May 2020, phase four began. It costs $30 million to renovate that theater. But I can't even tell you how unbelievable it is, how immaculate it know. So, yeah, that's one thing. You got to check out the Warner theater. What else? Oh, we had blackface at Sephora, somebody. This looks like a couple of girls doing blackface, first of all, look, at least girls are doing it now because for a while it was just guys taking all the l's doing. Know, I believe in three generations, we're all just going to have beige, semi chinese face that's probably owned by Israel. But I believe that's the face we're going to have. What else?

Jeff? Bezos will save over $600 million in taxes by moving to Miami. That seems fair, but that's Florida. Everybody can move to Florida, and that's fair. Those are the rules. I just don't think somebody should be able to have that much money. I think they should put a cap on how much money an individual can have, and maybe that's socialist by me or something. I don't know, but I don't know that's something that I think sometimes. I'm not saying I'm right, but it's something I think about. I just drank some of this this morning. I got back from the gym and I knew I was going to have to work, be doing potting for a few hours or 5 hours, and I was like, I want to make sure that I get hydrated. And so I threw down some liquid iv. That's what does it one stick of liquid iv plus 16oz of water hydrates better than water alone. Three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink. No artificial sweeteners, plus zero sugar in the sugar free version. That's nice. Eight vitamins and nutrients, non GMO, free from gluten, dairy, and soy. Weekends are forgetting wild.

So have a game plan for your Monday. Grab your liquid iv hydration multiplier, sugar free in bulk nationwide at costco, or get 20% off your first order when you go to liquid li quidiv.com and use code Theo at checkout. That's 20% off your first order when you shop superior hydration today using promo code theo@liquidiv.com. So, yeah, let's take a few calls here about love that came in today. Here we go.

Theo Vaughn. So I had a weird situation tonight. I went on a date with my Uber driver, and she brought her daughter and her daughter's friend to IHOP. Well, she had a call and she had to go. So it was just me, her daughter, and her daughter's friend. So I had to sit there, entertain them.

What? So you went on a date, and then the lady left, and then you're just sitting there with two children at an IHoB? You're. Damn. If you're sitting with two children you don't know at an IHOP, bro, you could be a sex trafficker, bro. No shade or anything, but it's like, I mean, yes, let me hear more.

Entertain them. And I was drunk at the time, so I was like, shit, what am I supposed to do? These little teenage girls? I was like, shit. So I started just trying to tell dad jokes, and they just awkwardly laughed.

So it was like, you can't tell dad jokes if you're not even a dad. You're a drunk guy at an IHOP with a stranger's children, bro, you are lucky you weren't arrested. That's what I'll tell you. You're drunk at an IHOP with some children you don't know. So that's where you're at right now. That is a starting point. Okay, that is a place to go up from. I think maybe I'm being too judgmental, but I think you should chart out a plan for yourself. And you need to have friends help you, because, yeah, if you're sitting drunk at an IHOP with two children that you don't know, and you are this close to ending up on a registry. Okay, so, yeah, I would do that. Let me hear more.

What is the guy supposed to do in that situation? I wish there was a good ending to that story, but it was just kind of an awkward situation. Like, what would you do?

Well, look, I appreciate the call, man, and I'm sorry if I'm being a little. If I'm being crass to you, it's a day of for love, and so I got to remember that. Yeah, let me just be loving. Hey, man. Yeah, I think. Look, unfortunately, maybe that's just where we are in modern dating, that a woman is going to be like, yes, meet me at an IHOP, watch my children, and if you feed them, then maybe I will make love to you one day. Maybe we could be together. Maybe that's how it is. Maybe the world. Maybe there's so many pervs out that a woman's like, hey, here, meet me and my kids in a safe place. I'm going to leave. She probably is also an Uber driver. It's a very gig economy now. Maybe she got a call. She had to go get a fare. She got a fare, and she's like, and if. Hey, he didn't touch him. He fed him. Great guy nowadays to a lot of women, that's a great guy. So I don't know if you need to do anything, brother. I think you did the best thing you could do.

You were an earnest man. You tried to be entertaining. You were drunk. And that's your deal, and it's okay. So, yeah, I think you're doing great, man. And, yeah, happy Valentine's day to you. I want to say that, man, and maybe this will work out. You guys might be married by. You just never know. And that's one thing about love, too. Love goes at its own speed. I think we're so used to now, things being so fast, because you can get it right now. You can get it right now. You can get a pair of shoes. They might be here by this afternoon. In the old days, you had to go get your feet measured somewhere, come back maybe two months later and get some shoes. But love is still like that. It's an old shoe, man, and we want it to fit fast. And it's good. You want it to be a cozy fit, because sometimes it's like, am I trying to be in love, or am I just trying to not be alone? That's another thing I think sometimes. What am I really looking for? That's something I think about sometimes. But, yeah.

Thank you for calling, man. And thank you for going to IHOP instead of Denny's, baby. Fuck Denny's. You know that, son. Fuck Denny's till it's backwards, homie. What else? Here we go. Another call came in here about love.

Hi, theo. I am a female listener and I was just listening to your podcast. The question came to approach your lady about how to shave her hairy booty. And as a hairy booty female myself, okay.

My boyfriend, HBF's in the building.

Boyfriend actually approached this topic with some great sensitivity, and I just wanted to let you guys know that if your lady has a hairy booty, offer to shave it for her. I thought that was very charming of him. He came up to me one day and he was like, hey, babe, let me groom you. Let me get you right. And I was like, wow, that was romantic. And, yeah, I busted it open. He shaved me down, and we got it on. So that's the female perspective.

Praise God. Thank you for that calling. Yeah, because it is. It's something that occurs out there. You see a man and they got a woman and they got a hair on their booty, around that boot. And that's something we got to battle as a society. And this is from the front lines of that. And it's that time of year, spring. If your lady, she got that hairy booty. You feel me? If that behold's got a sideburn on it, baby, taper that thing up, get in there with some safe scissors, some of them children's snippers, and get in there. Tidy that thing up if that boot out. Got a little dreadlock on it or whatever, grim that thing up. You could do. Yeah. Wax you, spill a candle on her and rip that thing. It's time, baby. It's time to just take the hair off of each other's assholes. It's just that know, it's just that time. Happy Valentine's, baby. That's what it is. What else have we got? Another call here. You shave your body, Riley? I do. All right. And what do you shave? The front. What do you shave?

Just my face.

Oh, just your face? Okay, just your face. But you don't seem like a guy that has a lot of hair. Body hair, Riley.

No, I don't.

Wow. And do you guys do a lot of. Do a lot of vietnamese people get body hair or not?

I don't think so.

Okay. But do you know so at least for me?

I don't.

You don't?

No.

Wow. That's got to be wonderful. So you don't get any body hair. So you're like almost like a hairless cat in a way.

Right?

Wow. But do you get cold? Do you have to wear like double underpants or whatever?

No.

Unbelievable. Wow. Thank you, man, for sharing that with us. Let's see what else we got here.

Theo, what's up, man? I've got a little bit of a confession for you.

Thank you for calling the hotline, man. And I do want to let people know that if there is something they need to share, they can always hit the hotline. 985-664-9503.

Weighing heavy on me something happened to me when I was a kid. Thought I should share it with somebody. When I was eleven years old, I was watching a movie with one of my buddies. I think he was twelve. We were laying on my sister's bed. That might have been the start of the problem.

Yeah, that's the setting. They call that the setting for something. Onward.

Watching liar.

Liar.

And have you seen the movie? There's a moment where they're playing back some audio of a woman doing a little orgasmic noises.

Oh, yeah. Gizzing out.

During that moment, my buddy leaned over and kissed me right on the lips. And I pushed him off and said, what are you doing? And he says, no, please.

I don't know.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. And he begged me not to tell his brothers. And I have four brothers myself, and I didn't want them to think I was gay. So never really told anybody.

And look, man, that's a totally normal thing to happen. I appreciate you sharing it with us. And I think that's a lot of times referred to as like, surprise, kind of youthful gay and syg. And they call it, and it happens, you're with your buddy and something sexual is happening in a film or movie in your body. I remember when a commercial would come on and if a woman was just even, damn. Putting a shampoo in, I just would sit in front of the tv and just fuck. It was like my hormones just came up into my shoulders and just were fucking. Just trying to fucking dance or whatever. I couldn't handle it. So, yeah, if you're in there alone with your buddy and there's a man making orgasm noises on a television near the two of you? Yeah, somebody's going to kiss someone. That is natural because that's. Surprise. Youthful gaying. It happens. Kids, they don't know and they don't know what their hormones are. And some of them, they test it out and it's like the only way to know if you like soccer is to play a couple of games of soccer, man.

The only way to know if you could be gay is to kiss somebody that is the same sex as you. Or holding somebody's hand could be a clue. But yeah, kids do that stuff all the time. I remember I got under a sheet or whatever. It was supposed to be lunchtime or whatever, and my buddy and I somehow were like, just under a sheet. And we just started touching each other's ribs. Just feeling just like God. And I just don't even know what was going on. We just were just doing it. And then, thank God, somebody yelled, sandwiches downstairs. And we fucking ran out of there. But yeah, I think children are part time gay, kind of, because they're learning about sex and they're learning about that sort of thing. And I couldn't even look at my buddy while we ate those ham and cheeses. We couldn't even look at each other because we just didn't know. And that was the time era. The era where if you asked your dad if you were gay, he would just say, you crazy, Riley. Ever happened any? Yeah, Riley, let's check back in there. What were you telling me about?

So a little bit ago, I had my second kiss finally.

Okay, and this is your second kiss ever in your life, right, brother? Right. And you've still never burped that sweat whistle, have you, daddy?

I have not.

Wow, brother. My God, you are going to just be able to just open up an aquarium when you really let them things open up. God, brother. How much do you weigh?

120.

Well, I don't know if I believe that, but at least 17 of that has got to be pure grade a maple semen, baby. My God, I can't even believe that I could fucking rent you out to a couple of Hollywood executives right now and they would fucking burp that little diving board in the back of a limousine somewhere right now outside of Disney or one of those other places. MGM or whatever. Miramax or whatever they're doing. Okay, so you went on a date. Tell me about it. You got that second kiss.

Yeah, basically. I. I just went to a bar with her.

Okay, and where'd you all sit? It was like, across from each other? Next to each other. At the bar. Where did you guys sit?

No, next to each other. At a table.

At a table. Okay. And was there some good energy? What happened?

Yeah, we were laughing a lot.

That's good sign. And then what happened? You guys left there. You took her home? You guys left some. What happened?

Yeah, so we left. I took her home.

Okay.

And as we were saying bye, I asked her if I could kiss her.

Dang. And how did you ask? So were you guys standing at the door? In the car?

Just on her driveway.

Standing in the driveway. And what did you say?

I said, hey, I've been wanting to ask you this. Can I kiss you?

Yeah, brother. That's what I'm talking about. Fucking Asians getting that shit. And what did she say?

She said, sure. And then we just went in.

And was she a little taller than you or. Not a little, yeah. So did you have to go up on. Just a little on the toes?

Actually, she kind of came down to me.

Fuck yeah, son. Feminism. Wow. And then what happened? Did you put your hand, or did you just totally freestyle it? Hands on the side. Just that fucking weird penguin vibe. What'd you do?

I think I wrapped my arms around her, but that was it.

Oh, my God. That's romantic. Wow. And did you play any music on your phone, or were you guys just. It was quiet.

No, it was quiet.

And how long did the kiss last for?

Probably for a good 12 seconds.

And did you. And did you. Was there any tongue in it, or was it just lips? Was it like upper lip? What was your strategy?

Yeah, there was a little tongue.

Rightly shitting them with that fucking mouth. Cock, baby. That. Way to go, brother. And was she receptive to. Yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. Chill. Everything's good. Nothing illegal. And then what happened? You left.

I left. And then she went back to New Jersey.

Oh, God. I will say this. Some of the coolest girls I've ever met are from Philadelphia, New Jersey area. Hands down, just cool chicks. Great senses of humor, fun, cool. Sometimes they're nurses and stuff like that. Just great chick. They have a lot of great. I'm a big fan of nurses, but also, I think just some of the coolest chicks are up there. Everybody knows that. I'm a big fan of nurses, and my sister's a nurse, too, so I'm proud of her. She just got her. I don't know what it's called. Like her ged or whatever. She's like the final nurse or whatever or something. But I don't, uh. Man, well, so you got two kisses under your belt, and you're still saving yourself from marriage, Riley. Correct. Wow. God. Do you feel like it's right around the corner? You feel like you still have a long way to go?

It might be a minute.

I like your attitude, though, man. And we have to have a good attitude, right, to find love, because it can just show up whenever, right? Yeah. You got to stay ready. Let's take one or two more calls, man. This was an interesting call that came in.

Hey, Theo. Pat Raiso from Las Vegas.

Hey, Pat from Las Vegas. Thank you for calling me lady. Nice to hear you. Onward.

Going to a comedy show. Tonight, for my birthday, I will be wearing my Theo shirt to represent my love for you. I feel I know you, though we've never met. I'm turning 81 on the 25th. Might not be your oldest fan, but I'm the biggest. Love you.

Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. Even when you say it, it reminds me of my grandmother. Thank you, Pat. That's very sweet. Let me make sure your name was Pat. Sometimes I just assume a lot of older women are named Pat.

Hey, Theo. Pat Raiso from Las.

Yeah, that's Pat. Thank you, Pat. Thank you, Pat. That's so sweet of. Yeah. Um. Dang, I feel like I just got a call from my. And I just mean that in a way of like, that somebody can call you. That's not that person to you, and they can be that person for you. You can fill in the blanks for somebody. If somebody doesn't have a brother, you can call them and share a special word with them or give them a nice message, or just tell them you care about them, and suddenly they do have a brother. There's been a lot of figures in my life of people that have represented father figures and mother figures and brother figures at certain moments. And so that's the power of just that, of love right there. That's a loving thing to do. Yeah. Thank you, Pat. That's sweet of praise. What else? Yeah, I just want to keep it in the love vein here. We got a call right here.

Hi. See you. My name is Autumn. I was just wondering if you've ever felt like alone, being older. I'm almost 30 in a couple of weeks.

Oh, you're not that old, Autumn. They don't sound that old to me at all. Let's hear more.

And I have a tough time trying to find love, and I was wondering if you've ever felt like that. I'm just sitting here in my apartment, just thinking how maybe I'll never find it. And if that's the case, what are your opinions on that? I want to find true love. I want to find happiness, and I want to have kids.

Yeah. Thank you for the call, finding love. Thank you for the call. Thank you for just sharing how you're feeling and what's going on. I think it's sweet of you, and I appreciate it. And I think just showing up right where you're called with exactly where you're at. No, b. No, just, hey, this is where I am. This is what's going on. And I just really respect that. Yeah. I think love is something that we all need. You see what happens to a child that doesn't have any love? You see what happens to animals that don't have any love. And it's obvious. It's obvious that we need it. And it's nice to think of that. Yeah. How do I fall in love with somebody else? How do I get into a relationship with somebody and. And have a partner? So much of that is out of our hands. Some things like, you want to give yourself the best chance, I think, because you have to meet people, and so you have to put yourself out there. You do. You could just meet somebody at a grocery store or something, but sometimes people meet each other.

The more people you run into, the more chances you're going to have to meet someone. So that just is part of it. And then in the meantime, I think, enjoy the peace that you do have with yourself and start to fall in love with yourself more, if you can. I know that may sound strange, and I'm just thinking out loud. For me, I notice sometimes that I don't have the best relationship with myself, really. I don't really communicate with myself that much. I do some, but really communicate with myself, check in with myself, see what's going on, spend time with myself. Not just sitting on my phone or watching a television show, but sit there and spend time with myself. Think about, hey, man, who are you? What do you, like, know? Hey, man, I'm proud of you saying that. To know, hey, theo, I'm proud of you, man. I'm proud of you. I've gotten better about it as I've gotten older. But, man, for so long, I didn't even love myself. So then in my life, I was looking for someone else to do. I was looking for someone else to do the job for me that I wasn't doing for me.

And that's too much to ask of somebody. I'm not saying this for you at all. I'm sorry, I just got on this tangent. But, yeah, I was looking for somebody else. Yeah, I want to be a partner, but I also want you to, I need you to fill in this other space inside of myself that I'm leaving that I'm not working on. And so then at that point, for me in relationships, it wasn't that fair. I wasn't saying, hey, let's meet and do 50 50. I was saying, hey, I need you to do 50 50. I need you to do 80 because I'm missing 30, and I haven't tried to do the work and stuff that I need to do to help take care of myself better. And that was always making it tough for me. It's gotten a little bit better of it as I've gotten older because I understand that a little bit more. Well, do I love myself? Who am I? What's going on with me? But do I think you sound like the sweetest person. And I believe that love wins. I believe that people say it sometimes and there's, like, commercials and stuff where people will be in, like, a wheelchair or something and they'll say it, but that doesn't have anything to do with it, I don't think.

But I believe that it wins because it's just the realest thing. You can see it, man. It's the realest thing. When you see somebody love somebody else, it could be between any connection, father, son, mother, child, brothers, sisters. The uncle part can get, can get a little bit weird if he's milling around, but somebody, just be proud of somebody. When you see love, there's nothing can hold a candle to that. That's the light of God, I think. That's the light of God. Um, and you sounds like you. You something you care about. So I just want you to hang in there, you know? And, yeah, I just want you to hang in there because, yes, I believe it can happen. We got to believe it can happen. That's got to be the most possible. That's got to be the belief. That's got to be it. Because a flower will be sitting there and then a damn bee come on. And you don't know that thing. A flower don't have a clue. A bees coming. A flower is just doing its shit. Stunting like my daddy, staming like my daddy. And then a beat. So you never know when you're going to get buzzed out and honeyed up.

And you got time. You got time. And then I got to make sure that when I'm looking for somebody, I'm not looking for them to fill. I'm looking to meet them halfway. I'm looking for us to be puzzle pieces or whatever, but that sounds a little bit gee to me. But I'm not looking for them to do all the work of filling in all my blanks. Some of that's my work. And I'm not saying that about you. Caught me. And I'm thinking about the same thing at the same time. Riley, what do you think for that, young lady? Thinking about.

Know finds love eventually?

Yeah, I think that's true. Yeah, I think that's true, man. And it'll happen for you, dude. You've been seeping that demon in the meantime or what? You've been freaking handrailing that little splatter wand or what, baby boy? Not yet.

It'll eventually happen.

Oh, you're planning on masturbating?

I meant with some. Not masturbating, but with a girl.

Oh, you know, a girl who's willing to do it.

I mean, I'm just saying eventually.

Oh, you're just saying eventually it'll happen with a woman. Right? Okay, but you don't have, like, something on your calendar right now, and it's just.

No.

Okay, cool. Let's take one more call, man, because I think this is it right here. And happy Valentine's day to know.

Hey, Theo. I just wanted to give you an update. I called in about two or three years ago, and my video aired on the episode that you had with Kalila. At the time, I was talking about how my wife at the time ended up leaving me for another woman.

Oh, I remember this.

Hey, Theo. Hey, Kyla. Big fan of you guys. Just wanted to get your advice on a recent development I had. I recently got left by my wife for another woman. Completely blindsided. Had no idea. Yeah, I guess I just look for any advice you guys would give as I move on to this next chapter of my life. Gang brother. Well, next month in March, my new wife and I are expecting our first little one, our daughter. So just anybody who's struggling out there or maybe, I don't know, thinking things don't really look that great. Just want to let you know it gets better. And I appreciate everybody's thoughts. Theo, thank you. Meant a lot to me, what you said in that podcast about my call, and. Yeah, just appreciate you, Theo, really. Thanks, man.

Gang baby. Wow, man. That's got me. Really. That's got my eyeballs trying to spurt, baby. Damn, brother. Thank you, man. I want to hear that part one more time that made my day, man.

Next month in March, my new wife and I are expecting our first little one, our daughter. So just anybody who's struggling out there or maybe, I don't know, thinking things don't really look that great, just want to let you know it gets better. And I appreciate everybody.

You hear that, man? You hear when he said, my wife and I were expecting our first little one? It makes you feel something. It makes you feel something. That's love, man. That is undeniable. That is undeniable. I believe that is God's light in the world. I believe that nothing else makes you do. Nothing else makes you. Nothing else makes you feel anything. Really. Nothing else makes you feel something from the. I mean, that feeling comes up from. It's almost like. It almost feels like it comes from the. Just from the. It comes from forever. That feeling of love. Just, man. It comes from forever. Yeah. Just, man. I want to hear that one more time.

Next month, in March, my new wife and I are expecting our first little one, our daughter. So just anybody who's struggling out there or maybe, I don't know, thinking things don't really look that great, just want to let you know it gets better. And I appreciate everybody's thoughts.

Wow. Yeah. That's love, man. And that's why we stay in the game. And that's why we stay in the game, even to witness that for somebody else. That's still love. I'm still getting something out. I get so much out of that, ma'am. The rest of my day is going to mean more to me. So the more things I can love, even if it's not like somebody else or having the perfect partner or straight person or whatever, I don't even know what the. Or just having the perfect woman or, man, if you are a woman or gay person, everybody can have somebody. But damn, dude, even if you can still get love, that's when there's other. You can still get love. And don't come down off those feelings. When somebody else has something very loving, don't let that feeling. Don't then let that feeling turn. Dang, I wish I had it. It's okay to ponder that a little bit, but don't go off that cliff, because I think the more we can just keep that vibe of, like, hey, this is possible. I see this. I just want to be around this. I want to be involved in a line of work that makes me feel love.

I want to be involved around people, community, whether it's a church or a men's group or recovery. Or a fucking sweat lodge. Whatever it is, I want to be involved in something that makes me feel something, because that's why I'm here. I'm here to stand on my tippy toes in the driveway of the Lord and feel that kiss, baby. Yeah. Happy Valentine's Day to everybody. Sorry if I'm all over the place. I don't give a fuck. I've been all over the place my whole fucking life. I don't even know where I am. I don't know what I'm doing most of the time, to be honest with you. My life feels confusing sometimes. I don't know what's going on, you know? But yeah, I'm not trying to tear up on here. I'm not trying to fucking. Let me put these shades back on. Damn, bro, my eyeballs are looking a little gay. Sorry, dude, they have a monitor in here, but yeah, I don't know. Who knows? Yeah, but I just keep hoping that I have moments like that that make me feel something. And sometimes you have a lot of them in your own life.

Sometimes you get them all out of other people's lives. Sometimes an older woman calls you and tells you that she loves you, and it's not your grandmother, but it's still your grandmother because the love is still the same. I don't know, I'm getting a little preachy, but yeah, man, I love you guys. I'm thankful. Thank you to the people that come out to the shows. The bigger shows have gotten better, they've gotten easier. It was harder in the beginning. It's harder to be in new spaces and stuff. I'm grateful for that. Thank you for paying attention to this podcast and listening. Thank you for hitting the hotline. 985-664-9503 yeah, I don't know. That's about it. You know what? I promised a friend of mine that I would play his song on the way out. So I'm going to put it in here. And this is a song years ago that I started listening to, and I'll listen to it when I need to get some feelings out of me. This one does it for me. It's kind of an emo kind of vibe. But you know what it is? Cuh you know what it know?

You know the war we out here doing. So this song is by Evan Bartels. It's called the devil God in me. If you're not looking for that emo feeling feeling thing right now, then that's okay. You going about your day. If you are, tap in, but praise God, baby. Love you guys. And, yeah, just. Thanks for tuning in and Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. If you don't have that other person, you have yourself. You have yourself, man. And that is the most important person you're ever going to get to know or spend time with. And I'm not preaching at you. I'm really saying this to myself, because more and more in my life, I realize that I'm given this gift of being a human being. And rarely do I even check in. Hey, Theo, what's going. Hey. Who are you? Hey, what do you. There's just so many distractions. It's not a fault or anything. It's just there's so many dark arts out there. They don't want you to get to know yourself. They want you buying. They want you fucking working, slaving. They don't want you to get to know yourself. Because if you get to know yourself, you're going to know that you're a fucking warrior.

That's what they're afraid of. Because I believe that's what we all used to be. So that's my Valentine this year, man. It's going to be me. And I'm chill with that. And to my girl that called and she was feeling like love in there for her, hey, I got you. And you got yourself, too. Sorry, I'm getting a little preachy, but. Yeah, it's just like, how much do I get to know the most important love in my own life? I should love myself, man. I don't know what I'm trying to say anyway, but, yeah. Fuck. Now this song is so emo going out there, but that's where we are today. This is Evan Bartel's the devil God in me. Happy Valentine's, baby. Praise God. Happy Valentine's Day. Love somebody. Love yourself. Look somebody in the eyes and say, hey, I fucking. I love you. And look yourself in the eyes and say the same thing, man. And if nobody's telling you they love you, I fucking love your fucking little ass. Your little pervert, bro. Praise God. Thank you for being here, riley.

Thank you, theo.

Happy Valentine's Day, man.

Happy Valentine's Day.

You.

Mother Mary, raise my voice. We, the people have that choice. Mother Maris, my head.

Love that, too, man. I encourage you to go listen to. It's Evan Bartels. We'll put the link to it. I love Evan's music, but let's amp this one in, man. Finish it out. Come on.

Out in the cold faithless and die your stories untold come take my hand and walk there with me I know a place where we can.

Be free happy Valentine's day. There is a light shining for you guiding your way helping you through shadows.

And you see we'll find a place.

Where we can be free from the mountaintops to the deepest valleys hear a voice calling you it's the rising sun.

Shining in the dark.

Can'T you see.

You will be free praise God, baby.

Honor.

Searching for me somewhere and that can be your God anyway whatever God you got, baby, we ain't trying to God lock you. I don't know the words, man. I'm just gonna keep doing this. Dude, I'm blind.

If we just got made. We are there is no damn. Together we strong together we're free from.

The mountaintop to the deepest valley calling you love you guys, man. Thank you. Be good to yourselves, baby. You deserve it, baby. Gang.