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I'll sit.

And tell you my story shine on me and I will find a song I will sing.

It's parking attendants are always awesome shit.

Oh, parking attendants. Because you have to think one of the things that the parking attendants deal with a lot is boredom, probably, and potential. I don't want to say suicide.

Yeah, I would start more beef if I was them.

Yeah.

The shit in LA is so funny. It's like, if you're here for 15 minutes, it's $17. How are you getting that math? Where's that math from, bro? We're doing bitcoin numbers out here, dude.

A lot of the behavior from parking attendants, you can tell that some of them have never driven a vehicle.

Yeah, they don't have a car there. Yeah, they never have a car.

They get dropped off. The prices are arbitrary. It almost depends on how angry their wife was at them that morning as to how much you're going to have to pay. Yeah, that's how I feel a lot of times, dude. And that guy. Because you and I had the same location for our podcast.

Yeah, we did.

And that guy, the parking attendant, we would find him. He started wearing no shoes in the bathroom.

Really? It must be more freeing. I mean, he was there so much, it probably felt like home for him. Yeah, somebody taking a shit and kicking your shoes off, it's like a white flag. It's like a tree. But yeah, I'm done.

My wife wins.

Exactly.

Yeah, that dude would shit. Yeah.

You better be there for 25 minutes at least. You're going to shit if we're talking about it. Yeah, it's got to be weird just working there, knowing, like, your job is going to be done.

And also your office is 3ft by 4ft.

Your office is a standing up coffin. When you die, they just tilt over the toll booth and just put it on the side and like, hey, it's buried right there, dude, your office.

That's a crazy thing, your office. You can't even turn around in your office. You have to walk outsideways out of your office.

It's kind of nice, though. He's got like a porch, which is just the parking lot.

Yeah. Well, he also had what? The craziest thing that guy had was he had an air conditioning unit.

Did he really?

On the side of the.

That's bigger than the whole unit.

It was a porta potty with like an air conditioning unit on the side of it.

Yeah, it was.

And he would blast that bitch, man. He would be in there just getting frosty, bro.

Yeah, that's fun, man.

Yeah, that's quite a job, man. Yeah, there's been a lot of. I guess because that's where King and the sting was. That's where we did that. What other podcasts were in there, I wonder?

Was there other ones? H three. H three used to be in there.

H three was in the same building? Yeah.

Wow. Fucking legendary.

So that place has a little bit of history to it.

There's some other shit going on over there, too. I always see couples who are fighting coming down the halls. So maybe there's like a couple's therapy in there.

It's like that Jerry Springer outpost or whatever, like where you get tests or whatever that thing is.

Wait, they have a Jerry Springer outpost in there? Dude, look at young me.

Wow.

Callahan, dude.

You and Callahan.

Three years ago. I remember being so excited when I was on that episode. I watched it like the premiere synonym. Really? Yeah, with the girls dating at a time.

Be like fucking monkey stink, dude, that's so cool. That was fun, man.

Yeah, it was awesome.

There's been some good podcast studios and a lot of them, I guess, move over time. I'm trying to think. Because H three moved out of there, Rogan's moved at least twice. I think he remodeled his new one in Austin, but he had the one that was out, like in Woodland Hills for years.

What I always like about whenever you move yours, it always looks the same. So you never know if you're like in LA or Nashville. Where are we right now? Who knows?

Welcome to Tennessee, people. We're in Nashville right now, where the tax savings are.

Hell yeah, brother. Hell yeah. If the IRS is watching, we are in Nashville, Tennessee. All year or at least half of it. Yee haw, boys. You had to show us under the wiltern. How was that?

Yeah, I showed the Wiltern. It was cool, man. Bro, a lot of the fucking Raza showed.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Sunday's a good day for the Raza.

To fucking Raza. Because they're all off work, dog.

Oh, it's a holiday today.

Oh, yes.

President's day.

President. Yeah. Is it President's day?

What's Biden doing today? Playing angry birds somewhere?

Imagine what he's doing. I bet he's just kind of like this.

I feel like President's day should be like a bachelor party for him. I think he should, like.

I know.

I think people look over the fact that Bill Clinton got head and that's, like, so cool.

Yeah. When you think about the fact that he did that good. Yeah. They should ripen up the president's nuts every now and then. I feel like that should be in the fucking contract. It's crazy how you work so hard to be president. You can't even get somebody to suck you off because you can get somebody to suck you off if you aren't president.

Yeah, I've done it. I'm not president to go to Amsterdam, it's like $200, you get a quick nut off. And I ran for senior class president in high school, and I didn't win, but I still got sucked off.

Yeah. In Amsterdam. Yeah, bro, I've been there, too. I got an escort in Amsterdam.

Did you go to red light district, or you had somebody come to you?

I went to red light district. You had somebody come?

No, I was saying, like, a door. Yeah, my own red light district. I put my iPhone light up. No, I went there. Yeah, it was interesting, man.

Bro.

Yeah.

What was that? What was it like for you? And I'll tell you what it was like for me. Were you by yourself?

No, I was with four dudes. More sauce. More sauce, dude. The red light district is just all dudes and then, like, families, which is weird. Like, what do you tell your kids? There's mama back in the.

It's all dudes. And everybody, I think, is trying to pretend like they're not there.

They're acting like they're there for the art of it when their wife goes, I'm going to go get a trill. Like, you're not going to go pop one off real quick. Yeah, it was a lot of. Just groups of dudes. And be funny because you could tell who did it already and who didn't because some groups would look curious, and some guys would have, like, little. The guys who just did it would be, like, a little sweaty, and they'd be coming out, like, ho.

Yeah.

We were at a bar just watching this one red door, and the guys would come out, like, laughing or, like, ashamed.

It was scary when I went in there, because there's a red light and there's, like, no other lights. Really? Yeah.

Well, there's a blue light. Do you know what that is?

Is that for gay men?

It is for. I believe, if you have tits and penis.

Oh, for trans. Yeah. So it's like a trans light district.

Yeah, blue light district.

The lights tell the story. Well, most of the time, yeah. What does it say? Can you give me some info on it? Let me see. Blue lights signify the prostitute is transgender. Red lights are for female. A mix of blue and red lights advertise the trans woman take on all commerce. Wow. That is just.

So you got options.

Yeah. Male or female. Does it say anything else about it that's interesting? I didn't know that, dude.

But so, anyways, it was interesting because at first, you're shocked at how crowded it is. It's just right on the main street.

Walking down the street. Yeah. There's no barrier to entry.

It was like Venice beach. It was just like, oh, get a kebab. Here's tits.

There's, like, a Starbucks, and then a star cucks fucks starfucks. Yeah.

How did I miss that?

I don't know. I feel like that was.

That's right up my alley, dude.

Yeah. There was, like, a Starbucks and then a star bucks. Yes. Right there.

Except I wasn't a star fucking. I was nervous, dude. I didn't know. Like, do I dirty talk?

Oh, I didn't know. I remember getting two coffees before, and I was like, that isn't going to fucking. I was at that age where you thought coffee, like, helped your wiener. No, it doesn't do anything. It makes you very scared of being in a room with somebody that you just met for sex.

Yeah, dude. The red door is illustrious. You walk in, then they take you upstairs to, like, a cot.

Yeah.

And having sex on a cot is not great. Unless you're, like, in the army, then it's kind of fun.

Yeah, it's very military style in there. I felt like. And the girl is missionary in there, too. And this is what got me, was the girl was mean. Really? Yeah. She's like, you want it? Put condom. Put condom. Oh, that's kind of hot. And I was so scared, dude. I remember putting the condom around my hole, like, even putting my nuts into the can.

That's probably smart for safety, just like.

Just bagging your grocery. Because I was a bagger for like 18 months even, but, oh, really? I just remember everything.

He hop out to the cart and.

Then I was so scared. We kind of started. It was just intense. And then there's like a guy kind of waiting downstairs. I remember we walked past a pretty strong guy.

She told me, she's like, you have 20 minutes. And I was like, I only need 19. But to thought of it, now that I got a timer in my head, I'm like, nervous. And it's so hard to get hard on demand.

Oh, it's unbelievable.

If I was in the 7th grade, that would have been way easier, more illegal. But she could have been like, sneeze. And I'd be like, yeah, but, yeah, it was that. And then she's like, oh, are you visiting? And I start to try to get out myself. And she's like, oh, no, I'll do it for you. I was like, damn, this is like a whole experience, whole catering here.

Yeah, there was a lot of. I remember after the condom was on, they would start a blow job.

Yeah. Which can't taste good.

Oh, I felt horrible. I was like, oh, this isn't. I even remember saying, like, oh, this is not what my penis tastes. Know. I didn't want her thinking that my penis tasted like the Michelin man or something.

Yeah, it is weird. And I remember I said something out loud.

It's basically like somebody that blows up balloons.

Reverse fucking clown with the balloon. But I remember dirty talking, but I was too shy to say it loud. So under my breath I was, like, fucking hot. I think she said, what? And I was like, nothing.

Yeah. Oh, I remember. Yeah, I said, I think. I even think I remember seeing, like, let me see your pie or something.

Did she show it?

I mean, I'm sure she did. I don't know if it's so dark in there, you don't know what's going on.

It was crazy.

It's almost just like, please let me ejaculate so I can get back out of here.

I do mainly for this story, but the whole time, the post not regret was crazy because right after I walked out, another dude walked in and I was like, oh, no, she doesn't care about me.

Oh, definitely. Oh, that's part of it, too. You're like, oh, there's nothing emotional about it at all. It's like laid down, put on condom yeah.

And they put, like, a paper towel over my dick. So I had kind of like a place mat, which is kind of respectful, if you think about it. They put, like, a towel over it just so it's not like touching skin on skin, which is kind of cool. Like, have a little bib.

You had to have, like, a plan like that.

I remember I walked past the same door the next day, and I saw her, and my first thought was, I wonder if she remembers me.

Wow.

And she didn't.

No way.

I walked right past her. I didn't wave or anything, but I walked extra slow because in my head, how cool would that be?

She's like, goes, yeah, right.

She's with another man.

What if she remembers anybody from those years? Because I think to them, it's probably. I would love to be able to talk to one of those.

That'd be a really good interview.

Honestly.

That'd be a really good.

What it's like. And what is the turnover like.

And then you have sex with them, and now it's plug talk. You know about that show, plug talk? Yeah.

That's Adam 22.

Yeah, I think about that format all the time.

That's a crazy.

You just interview a porn star, tell me what it was like growing up in Michigan, and then four minutes later.

Just.

If I hosted that show, I would interview for, I don't know, 19 seconds, and then be like, cool, let's fuck. To do an hour, then to do ad reads. Tour days. Let me fuck. That's crazy.

Oh, dude, to stop in the middle of fucking to talk about a VPN browser. That show is insane. Like, imagine if you and I. Doc, doc.

It is actually insane. It's insane.

Ship station.

Exactly.

Imagine if you and I, in three minutes, had to start fucking, bro. That would be crazy.

I think we're at that point now. Cut the lights. I mean, it's crazy that that's what we have to compete with in podcasting. Not only do shows like mine have to compete with amazing shows like yours and, like, tim Dylan, but I also have to compete with shows where they fuck and there's hot chicks on it.

Oh, I know.

It's just crazy. That's competition right now.

It's just where it know everything has, like, an only fans element. I think even in the future, etsy.

You can buy nudes.

Yeah. I'm not shocked, man. I think even on in the future, I wonder if it would be like you're at the grocery store and you're, like, making a salad and you can.

Like, there's an option.

Yeah. For an extra $3, you can see somebody's just. For 30 seconds. Do it.

Yeah, because sometimes it's just like an add on at the end. When I'm checking out, it's like, oh, would you like to donate an extra dollar for this local charity? I'm like, no, but if it was a stripper named Charity. Yeah, now we're talking. Yeah, somebody's seeing an add on tit. That could be a fun. Think about that parking guy at that old spot. Like, he's like, oh, 17 to park. What the fuck? 18, but you get to see a tit.

Yeah, like, all right, I'll pull up.

Yeah, I'll park here for a little. For a night or two.

Slide.

I'll stop by.

Dude, they just found a bunch of gay fish somewhere. Where was that at?

Fish?

I think it was just gay fish. They had, whatever it is, pull out.

Was it rainbow trout? It could have been, dude, imagine being a trout and somebody calls you a rainbow trout. You're like, what the fuck? Did I.

It's on, bro.

Wait, bonneru? Yeah. If there's a place.

A taxonomy of game. Oh, bro, if you call me a rainbow trod, it's on site. Splash, homie. If I'm a fish, it's on splash. A taxonomy of gay animals. Wow.

Taxonomy. Is that where they stuff you when you're taxidermy?

A lot of black people are getting stuffed now when they die.

Really?

Yeah. Bring up a couple of stuffed.

These searches are crazy. Yeah, well, it's not you. It's the fucking producers back there. I think every podcast producer's laptop should be taken to the CIA to be studied. It'll be like, is jizz edible? Where is Epstein located? 2024. Not clickbait. Miley Cyrus leaked nudes. Joe Biden, hog size. Question mark.

Dude, what did you find? There's stuff in a lot of brothers now. At funerals. No, like, at.

There was a guy, and he was a black dude. They took his body to, like, a nightclub after he passed.

That's what I'm talking.

He was, like, standing up in the club.

Yeah, I have seen that.

Honestly, it's kind of cool. But imagine you spill a drink on him, and you're like, oh, wait, bro.

Black guy nightclub, dead body. That's going to bring up a million.

In 3.7 seconds. Wait, type in, like, dead body goes to a nightclub? Yeah, they had him propped up, and they're, like, playing his music.

Yeah, that was it.

You know what you'd want to wear in a casket or are you going to go cremation?

Well, I want to get vaped. Do you? You want to go, what?

Like, put me in like a jewel and then vape me out? Like, if you can get cremated, can I get fucking? Yeah, I think vapes would be hilarious.

I wouldn't mind being almost like, blackened or whatever. Or like pecan crusted.

Oh, pecan crusted.

So people roll up and like, wow, that's pretty cool.

Oh, yeah.

Tater around you.

Yeah. Like a blackened salmon is really good.

Oh, so good. I think if you did something. Dead rapper's body.

Yeah, I think this is it.

Propped up in club for disrespectful public viewing.

I don't know if it's disrespectful.

I don't think so either. A lot of.

We've got a myrion.

Yeah, definitely. So obviously he's a big fan of the show power.

Dude. He's just in the club dead.

Where else do you want to be, though?

I guess. Imagine if the DJ didn't know he's dead. He's like, yo, put your hands up. He's just like, oh, nothing. All right, man. Fuck you too, then.

He just can't do it. It costs extra to get his.

He's got two people behind.

But that's the kind of thing I think you're going to start seeing more of. You're going to start to see people want to be seen. They want attention. There's not as much respect for being dead as there used to be. No. I mean, most people have the amount of cremations gone up. I'm really curious about that. The annual number of cremations in the United States is expected to rise from 1.91 million in 2022.26 million by 2030 and a 2.94 million by Google search.

What is the cremation trend in 2023? What is this fucking TikTok?

And I guess people have less faith and stuff now. They're not involved with the church because wasn't that a lot? Do you think that's one of the reasons why people get cremated? Cremation rate in the United States from 1960 to 2035.

How much does it cost to get cremated?

Oh, look at this.

Those are good numbers.

Well, it's unbelievable. 1960 was 3.56% cremation rate.

That also looks like every chart ever in the world ever invented.

It's actually a really good point.

They could have just put anything on that.

2035 says 77.8%.

How much does it cost to get cremated? And is there like a group rate?

I think there's like a Church. Wait, it's like 1000 direct cremation cost comparison in the top ten cities in us. So if you want to get cremated in LA, you're looking at $1,655 or low cost. Wait, there is.

What do they do with a bic lighter? What the fuck's the difference, dude? Yeah, low cost. It's like the uber pool. You're in there with a bunch of other dudes.

Yeah, it's a little bit of a mix.

Yeah, exactly. I do think it is.

You get the bag back and it has like braces in it or something. Like God.

Since a sketcher, I kind of want both. Maybe half. This is what I'm doing. I'm going to do half my body cremation. Half is going to be casket. So it looks like I'm still in the casket because I still want to be like spread somewhere.

Top is casket. Body.

Yeah.

And what was the cost of the half cost, Nick?

Maybe like a centaur or something.

The price of what the half cost. The cheaper. 195-5955 for that cheaper option, I still.

Want to be spread somewhere, but I also want to be buried.

Yeah, I think you get both options. Oh, this would be sick, dude. So your top half is coffin. Open coffin.

Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

Right. And you could just fucking do like that or something.

You throw up the blood sign or even just put one of these down.

Here so your budies fucking see it, bro.

That would be so. And then have like a note on the casket that's like open for a surprise. And you're. What is that? Maybe his favorite belt buckle. Like this one of those right there. Could you imagine? Yeah, you have to, bro.

That would be the fucking best. And then the bottom half you totally cremated, bro. And if you can offer the ladies, if they want to take some home, they can take a little bit home.

Like a little key bump or something.

Yeah, take a fucking key bump. And it's extra for the crotch area.

Exactly. Or I would put like the paraplegic legs on me. So when I go to heaven, people think that like, oh, he fought in a war. I'm like, oh, no, I just wanted to be spreading Santa.

You're like a Warris gump or something. What the fuck are you talking about? You think people just are going to give you more props in heaven because you're handicapped?

Yeah, well, if I have paraplegic leg, like, fake legs, it's definitely a showstopper.

But you're going to have angel wings. The legs are just going to slow you down. You're flying. So now you're just this angel.

Yeah, but if I take them off, I'm so light.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

But then I forgot my legs.

Yeah, that'd be it.

Lose. Lose.

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Don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language. Babel's quick ten minute lessons are handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language. In as little as three weeks, Babel has over 16 million subscriptions sold, plus, all of Babel's 14 award winning language courses are backed by their 20 day money back guarantee. Babel's convenient courses have helped me when I want to learn Spanish just sitting at my laptop, or when I want to learn it on the go. Babel certainly makes it easier. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get 50% off a one time payment for a lifetime babbel subscription, but only for our listeners@babbel.com. Theo that's right, get 50% off babbel.com Theo spelled babbel.com T-H-E-O. Rules and restrictions may apply. Yeah, but I would go cremation ways down. There's got to be options where, what is the difference, I wonder, between the higher cost of cremation and the lower cost.

Maybe like a finer grain, like when you ground coffee beans. You can do like, espresso or you can do like a more coarse one. Maybe it's like a finer grain, like an Americano. Yeah, exactly. Where would you want your ashes to be spread?

Dude? I would spread them in some rich assholes fucking house, probably.

Yeah.

Yard.

Randomly. The yard.

Just somewhere. Like somebody who would, like. It would bother them. Yeah, like somebody, you just want to get under their skin a little bit. You'll never leave them.

That's good.

Maybe give a little. Give a half ounce to your kids or something if they can spread it. Yeah, hopefully keep.

I would do like a modern day anthrax. Maybe like put in somebody's mail.

Oh, I love that.

Anthrax still around, or did fentanyl take it?

Anthrax? Yeah, I guess fentanyl totally took its job.

Damn. Yeah, people were getting gotten like a.

Macy's catalog with anthrax. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Mail.

Oh, yeah. You definitely a perfume sample and you're dead.

Oh, an east Bay magazine.

Two puffs of Dior and you're fucking out of here.

What happened with that? I'm not saying bring it back, but where'd it go?

No, I'm just saying, bro, that people will pop up in a Johnson and Murphy catalog.

The Eddie Bauer catalog. So on there, I said, the top places to get cremated.

Oh, popular places to scatter ashes. This is interesting.

I'm sure somebody spread it at a theovan show for sure. I think somebody spread, I think 100%, bro.

What about that story?

Zoo or something?

Definitely, yeah, maybe something could have happened. What about that story? Remember there was a girl went to a Dane cook show and disappeared after it. You ever see that?

Oh, no, I didn't.

Yeah, it's on this episode of this show disappeared. And if you like shows about people that are missing and everything. And I love that kind of stuff. I love missing. Yeah. Can you find that, Nick?

She got kidnapped or she just went missing.

They don't know, bro. And she was a huge Jane Cook fan, went to his show, and a lot of people thought he had something to do with it.

Did he ever speak publicly on it?

I don't know.

He had a whole bit about it. He had a bit on it?

Yeah.

Well, you can't do a bit on. You can't monetize a missing person.

But I think you do something as an homage, man.

Maybe an homage. Yeah, that's true.

But it's like, God, that would be so crazy. Somebody went missing after, bro, people have definitely gone missing after one of your shows. Probably somebody just fucking disappeared, maybe back.

From their family, but they're still alive. I think they just dipped on their wife or something.

Somebody fell through a portal in a vape shop after one of your shows, bro.

Definitely a couple of duis. For sure.

For sure. Yeah.

I've had people text me afterwards, like, had a great time. Your show got a DUI.

I've had that.

It's like, yeah, at least you made it home.

But, yeah, there was this big thing I was seeing somewhere about gay fish. You. Was there anything on that, Nick?

It's just a lot of Kanye South park results, but.

Okay, dude, once we start eating gay fish, dude, we are.

I think tilapia might be up. Think. Because tilapia is just, like, a mixture of fish, isn't it?

Tilapia is definitely, like a gang bang of fish.

Right. That's what I'm saying.

I've never heard of you. You've never seen, like, oh, look at the tilapia.

Never been at the San Diego Zoom. Oh, they got tilapias here.

Oh, they keep making fake fish, dude. I've talked about this many times every five months. Like, oh, check out this. The know or the white fish or the wee fish or the go fish. Yeah. It just never, uh.

Isn't tilapia, like, made in a farm? Like, it's, like, not a normal. It's not bred in the wild.

Yeah. I've never seen somebody catch a tilapia at all. Let me see. Tilapia is the common name for nearly 100 species of fish.

Yeah, it's kind of like just a mutt of a fish.

They're mainly freshwater fish inhabiting shallow streams. Yeah, they're fucking total crack fish, dude. It's as if somebody took a net and just picked up everything at skid row, kind of. And made, like, a.

It's like a bologna beef.

Yes.

Bologna is like five different animals in one, right?

Oh, bologna is. Yeah, bologna should be on episode of Plug Talk. It's fucking just been.

It's one of the girls they interviewed. Yeah, but bologna is fucking delicious. I don't know what it is.

What do you talk about on a show before you know you have to fuck?

That's what's so funny to me. It's like a 30 minutes or an hour long episode, and they're just, like, talking about their upbringing, and then they're just. It fascinates me. And my favorite part, and I know Adam, and they're really nice to me and everything.

Yeah, but same, man. I've been on his.

Yeah, yeah, but they have the wired headphone, like the TED talk headphone while they're having sex, maybe, but during the interview, so it makes the interview seem so much more prolific to be like. So tell me about. You said you are a big fan of smooth r b. And then he just has that, um.

This was it.

Yeah, it was a guy that went, oh.

Kyle's mom had just been diagnosed with cancer. He and his mom vowed to beat the cancer together. Just days before her first surgery, Kyle took his sister Noelle and his mother Barbara for a special treat to a Dane Cook comedy concert to lift her spirits. He was in a great mood. After the show, Kyle tells his mom that he and some friends are heading to a popular bar in uptown Charlote. Anything else? Keep looking on that nick, though, or see if Zach can, because something happened. It's on an episode of disappeared. A girl left a Dane cook show.

Every time it disappeared.

Episode.

Dane Cook.

Yeah. There you go. That's why you're a producer, man.

Yeah.

What else, dude? What else has been going on, man? How are you? I know your special came out, bro. So good. Really, bro? Same, man.

I was really happy with yours.

Stavros are ones that I really liked, but, yeah, yours was just. It keeps going. Like, the material keeps going. It's fast, it's punchy. I think you have to do that on the tv ones.

Yeah, I wanted it to look really good, and a lot of my sketches have, like, a camera that zooms in a bunch on the lens. So I had somebody at the special just solely zooming in a bunch, and there's three shows. So I was like, here's the beast on the jokes. For these jokes, I'm going to look at that camera, and when I look, we should meet the zoom in the middle. So there was just somebody just the whole time just fucking giving arthritis to a goddamn self, just cranking away on that Sony. But, yeah, I wanted it to have good retention and just look good. I think it was a great first special. I think it's so good. It's not like, the most fucking goaded special in the world, but I was really happy with it, and I think a lot of people liked it.

Oh, dude, 100%, man. But are any of them? I mean, some of them are good. It's hard to make one perfect. It's so hard to make comedy onto a special, like, as opposed to seeing it in person. It's not even the same thing.

It's not even close.

It's not even the same thing at all. It's almost a travesty to do it. Really, in a way.

Yeah. It doesn't even compare to be close. It's like when you're watching a stand up show, you're watching anybody in the back of your room. You're always like permanently smiling. You're just static holding a smile. So you're constantly just like laughing and smiling. You're watching at home. You're just in like this. You start with a frown.

Yeah.

So you have to work out of a ditch.

Yeah, you're at home, you're hiding from your wife in the garage or whatever, or one of your kids wants to love you or whatever and you can't handle it or something. But, yeah, you're just frowning and you're just supposed to like, yeah, I think.

Somebody put it the best way to me is a special. All it is is just a giant commercial for your touring where you're like, hey, this is a glimpse of what a show looks like. Here's what I do for people. Live last year. So this is like what a Trevor Wallace or Theovan show would look like.

Got it.

And I mean, you're doing, dude, so like, everything is mean. You're fucking. You're crushing, right?

We've been. We've definitely been having fun, man. Thanks.

You're in Australia. I was out there in November. You've been? Yeah. Or no?

Yeah, I've been. It's just been about four years, though.

Okay.

Because of COVID but I'm stoked, bro. I'm going to go back again even like, I think maybe later this year. Really? And do like Perth and some other shows.

Oh, yeah, Perth has. You've been to Perth, right?

Yeah, we just didn't put it on just the way it put together. It was just like, perth is also.

Like 5 hours from everywhere else.

Yeah.

People don't realize. And me, when I say people, I mean myself, I didn't realize. It's the same size as the US essentially. When they're like, our flight from Sydney to Perth is like 5 hours. I was like, how are we fucking driving? What's happening? What bus is this? It's a massive area.

And bro, they got some fucking trans animals over there. Dog. Yeah. Have you seen that quakka bring?

Oh, yeah.

Bring that thing up, dude. Yeah, that thing will slurp a tit, right.

I think he's fresh off some pop.

Right?

The quack is off the papas right there, bro.

You're telling me this animal, that's a.

Pixar animal in real life.

Ain't off of perk 30, right? You telling me. Oh, God.

They say they have, like, the best cocaine out there, and that's proof of it, bro.

Look at. There ain't not a chance. He's eating that fucking cocoa leaf right there.

Look at that, dude. And they're all in good shape. They got good bodies. Yeah, they're doing drugs.

They're jacked, too.

Eating a leaf, bro. He thinks it's a fucking shaken shack burger.

Oh, man. Dude, what's a wiener look like on one of those things, buddy?

I was probably pagan.

Pull that up, Nikki.

Penis. There you go.

Let's see that.

Oh, damn.

Showed you got that little birdhouse he's running.

Is that a baby one? Oh, they have pouches, too. That's so cool.

Maybe look for a drawing of it, Nick.

Oh, yeah, the kangaroos have weird dongs.

You got that cruella.

They look like Harry Potter sticks.

Yeah. And that's so crazy.

Yeah, they're weird. Have you been in the kangaroo park in, I think, Brisbane? Yeah, yeah, I went there and they're weird. They're just hopping around all fucking jacked up.

And you can't tell if they're going to beat the fuck out of you or be cool with you. It's almost like being around, like, UFC fighters.

Dude, that's so true. I was at this thing with Burton Tom recently, and Nate Diaz was there. No, really? He's one of those guys, if you look eyes for too long, you're like, we're either about to kiss or he's about to kill me.

Yeah, he is cool. Like, it's super intimidating. Yeah, well, a lot of great marriages have started with even as a beating. The Stockton kangaroo right there. This is crazy, though.

Oh, is he from Stockton?

Yeah, dude, a lot of missing people in Stockton. Dude, you gotta.

Stockton is an interesting.

Like, you can even go to like, hey, are you missing? And people like, yeah, it's so weird.

That Stockton's in California.

There's a lot of people in Stockton that are using, like, calling cards still and shit. You're like, what's going on?

It's like a piece of New Jersey in California.

People are like, hey, can you help me get it to a payphone?

And you're like, yeah, everybody's got carburetors on them.

Yeah. You're just shocked at some of the people have been crossing time zones and. Yeah, but great place.

Great place.

Oh, no, it's fun, dude. It's a fun place and people love it. Yeah, I think Disney's going to be doing a thing up there too. Even imagine. Hey, goofy, goofy dog. You trying to fucking box or.

Dude, I would watch, dude, for sure, watch.

When I went to school in Tucson, Arizona, they had in the car washes all the like, first of all, I went there and I had to take Spanish, right? And all the kids in there, this was in high school, all the kids in there were Mexican, so they would all just like so easy calling me like fagoto or whatever in Spanish or just different things. And I was the only one paying attention. It was just like me and the teacher just having a one on one, right. I was the only white dude. They would have. Gang things would happen at lunch. They have to have the alarm go off. You'd have to lay down and just eat your sandwich. Lay, earthquake drill. Yeah, just like that.

Was it an earthquake drill or gang shit?

Gang shit.

Gang shit does pop off.

Oh, dude, it would happen. Yeah, it would happen a lot. And you'd have to lay down and just eat your burger. And then the for real fucking vatos, los violencias, they would have fights in the car wash after school. And after, like, it's a good place. Oh, after a certain amount they got, somebody would break them out the thing and just spray it down and that'd be the end of the fight.

That's pretty cool, dude.

It's kind of a bit of tradition. It was almost like being at the rodeo. Go. Kind of.

It's fun. You get to leave there with a shower so you're asbeat, you're ready to party.

And sometimes you see the rainbow in.

The mist and then you get your hair blow dry at the end. My spanish teacher, she had a really soft voice, so she would talk with a speaker box attached to her hip and she had like a microphone, like plugged up. She had a microphone and it would project her voice. And I used to take my dad's, my dad had a hip surgery and he got prescribed bike then he was allergic to him, so he didn't take him. So I'd just sneak a bike then every once in a while before spanish class, so I would just be fucking biked out listening to Ricky Martin 2.0 just blasting away, dude. And she would just be, dude, it was so good. I have like vivid memories of her class. 09:00 a.m. And I would smoke flirt class sometimes.

Yeah.

And I didn't know Spanish at all, so just being high off of perkset hearing Spanish, I was like, I think this is like how duolingo was invented. I just remember sitting there, just nodding my head like there was music on. Just being like, this is good. She's great, man.

Dude. Yeah. Our spanish teacher, one of them was like a reform gangster. So all the Spanish they taught us was like about fucking funeralis and fucking coyotes and all kind of bloody knuckles and shit. Oh, yeah, a lot of this shit was very violent. And then we had this other guy, senor Vliet was his name, in Mandeville. And if you made a casserola casserole as a gift, if you brought it to school, you got. I'm not even joking. This is the craziest thing. 50,000 bonus points.

Fucking whose line is it anyways? Just giving out insane points for nobody.

It was crazy, dude. You could be a complete failure in the class. You could be pregnant. You could not have a head or hands. You could be in the class and have like a five. Your. Your grade could be eleven points.

You graduate early because of a casserole.

And you show up on casserole day, bro.

Oh, was it day?

75,000 bonus points.

They had the most random shit for extra credit. Sometimes they get like a little sexual. It'd be like, oh, bring him his favorite hostess cookie and we'll give you some points. Go get it, dude.

Yeah. They just had a teacher I was looking at. What was that thing that we saw?

There was also always a pregnant girl in PE.

Oh, dude, be 16.

She's like, oh, I can't run the mile. I'm pregnant. I was like, fucking jealous.

Oh, I lost a spelling bee to a pregnant girl.

Do you remember the word?

Yes? Inconvenience.

Which was what? She had, dude. Fucking inconvenience of a child.

Look. Yeah. How many letters in.

Realize that she probably had to spell that word because she fucking says it so goddamn much. She's like, fuck, I can't drink sailor Jerry's because I got this inconvenience. Do you remember?

Now use it in a sentence. She's like, Jeremy left me with an inconvenience.

Do you remember what letter you made it to?

Yeah, I messed up the e and the I or the I and the.

E. That's a tricky one.

And I was so happy she did. Helena was her name and she was pregnant and she kind of looked pregnant. Even if she wasn't pregnant. She had just like, she had the attitude for it. Yeah. She was ready to just hatch some.

It's kind of nice if you're pregnant. You see, like, nine months of like, the world is your bitch. You go to the parking guy and be like, no, pregnant. You could probably get into the White House. Honestly, I'm pregnant. Oh, okay.

Yeah. They're like, oh, yeah, let her through. They start saying, yeah, crazy.

Does TSA see the baby in you when they do the scanner?

Yeah. And the baby's in there like this.

I fucking love you. Theo the wiltern.

What do we have? What was that? Didn't they have a thing about a teacher? Bring it back up.

Yeah. An Arizona teacher was fired for her OnlyFans account. And you might recognize Rachel dozo.

That's Rachel Dolezal, dude. They say once you go black, you never come back. Not the case with her.

She's teaching right now in Tucson. Do you see this?

Oh, no way.

Those are your people.

Rachel Dolazal, who goes by Nkechi Diallo, which I'm going to say I'm going to limb. Nkechi diallo sounds back and way black. Like, not even american black Diallo. Nketchi Diallo. That sounds like kenyan. Lost her job at the Catalina foothill school district. Wow. Was teaching kids as an after school instructor who was under fire in 2014, accused of misidentifying herself as black while serving as the head of the NAACP. Look, first of all, if someone wants to do a job and do it well, I don't think you should not let them do it because of their ethnicity. That goes against what the whole program is even trying to say it feels like. But what else happened to her?

Is she twerking in that video?

No.

Is that the video that got her fired? Oh, yeah. Someone screen grabbed a video. No, somebody. All the kids did.

Dude, I swear, I thought I saw her at the gym this morning. Oh, wow. Yeah, she's showing that oyster dressing right there, bro.

She's looking for that extra credit right there. There's her casserole.

We only learned of Miss Nketi Diallo.

Everybody knows who that is, though. Like, she'd walk in class and be like, oh, Miss Diallo. We're like, rachel Dolezo also just do onlyfans. You don't need to be a teacher.

Yeah, it's a good point, but I think you have to get. This is messed up, but where are you going to get your clientele if you don't go to school looking hot, bro? No way. You don't go to. Dude, if you had your hot teacher. You telling me if she had an only fan.

Yeah, Ms. Saffron.

And you could go home after school or even be sitting in class looking at her teaching, and then you look on your phone, she has, like, a.

QR code on, like, her shirt or something. I think if I was a substitute teacher, that's how I'd recruit. Yeah, just be like, oh, here's what you do. You go to pull up a presentation, and then it's accidentally your only fans page, and you're like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. And then you see all the kids snap it. I mean, maybe that is a better way because now that this story is out, her onlyfans is only going to get higher. So maybe you get fired. As this is all pr.

I support her, man. I wonder if she'd be interesting to talk to, because Diallo has a public social media page where she has linked an Onlyfans page. It doesn't say what school she was at. Catalina foothills. That is a school, actually. Catalina foothills in Tucson. Yeah, it was fancy, too. I think it's messed up. Well, here's part of the problem, is we're not paying the teachers.

No.

So what do you expect them to do? I don't think it's crazy that your teacher, right, the person who's helping guide your child, youth of America, has to show their labia to get their bills paid.

Yeah, they want to get the scented crayola markers. They got to show a little.

That's crazy. It's crazy, though. And then it's crazy. The parents are then like, no, fuck. Like, at least that teacher, I think is entrepreneurial.

She should be teaching a business class.

Yeah. They should be firing whoever chooses the salaries for the school people.

I did always like when the teachers would spend their own money and let the class know. They would always let the kids know and be like, this was out of Miss Eckertson's budget. I went to target myself on Sunday and bought these markers. Oh, shit. Hell, yeah. So if Miss Doleizell, sorry to say, government name, Ms. Diallo is popping some puss, but getting know scented markers. Yeah, I don't see a problem here.

Look. Now, if she merges the two and sells some scented markers at school that.

Are scented like her, that's big money. Gwyneth Paltrow had a vagina candle. Did you ever see that?

Yeah, the vagandals or whatever.

Vagandles.

But it is crazy how people are having to do like everybody's having to do. Only fans. You'll see, like, the doordash guy, his girlfriend sitting there in the passenger seat, and she's filming her on a stream camp so they can make money to go home and take care of their family. To buy their family a fucking sack of warm jack in the box. They have to drive for 12 hours a day, and she's up there live streaming two cooch shots that just pays.

For, like, 47 dashes.

It's just crazy that it's all happening.

Kind of exciting, though.

University of Wisconsin lacrosse chancellor says he was fired over pornographic videos made with his wife.

This happened in my hometown over Christmas, and they had a cooking channel, and they would make a dish, and then they would cook something else.

They would make a dish.

Wait, really? Can we? What?

Yeah.

Yeah. One. That's awesome.

That's, uh.

That's fucking ratatouille talk right there. Yeah. Every teacher is no different than anyone else. Like, they're all pieces of shit. Not pieces of shit, but they're all adults. I remember in 7th grade, I saw my teacher.

That's a crazy correlation. Every teacher is a regular, just a fucking person.

Right? I saw my 7th grade english teacher after school one day buying a handle of pop off vodka. Me and my friend Matt saw her, and she looked over and saw us and immediately turned. She was just buying pop off vodka at a CVs.

Dude. I remember we had a teacher who. Her shirt. I swear, they put it on the way it would just hold her chest and everything. It was just. If she had an only fans, we would have spent. I would have raked every yard in my neighborhood. You know how high my grades probably would have been?

Oh, yeah. Or best, you got to stay after class, get detention. I mean, it's great pr, honestly. It's not a great society to live in, but it's great.

It's great pr if you teach at.

A local school for, like, three years now, all of a sudden, Miss Robertson is like, oh, dropped an onlyfans. Those three years were just promo.

Yeah. That's fucking smart move, Dolozao. I like it, man. Dude, did you know down syndrome people can't walk backwards? Can you look that up? Yeah.

And then I want to see that video.

That's crazy. They can't walk backwards.

Wait, isn't there. Wait, horses can't do that either? Is that.

Yeah, down syndrome people can't walk backwards. Yeah.

So you have to do kind of like a 360.

Like, how many moonwalking DS people have you seen, to be honest?

You know, dude, you might be honest with that.

If we could train, and it's impossible.

But they have the heart to do it. If anybody's got the heart to moonwalk in 2024. It's going to be one of our DS brethrens.

Oh. If we don't have a Down center president by 2034, then I think we're not doing it right.

I think that there should be a gang like DS 13.

That should be hard, dog. I'm a fucking hug you to death.

So nice.

Well, they have a great coffee shop, too, in DC now. That's all down syndrome people working there. There's a Down syndrome guy. I think it's just. Yeah, that down syndrome people can't walk backwards. But we have a guy who came on here, Chris Nickichen. We talked about him a lot, but he completed the iron man.

Really?

He's down syndrome. He can do more. I mean, he's more physically gifted than you and I will ever be. Yeah. He ran like, 400 miles or something.

Wow. And they are stronger. No.

I'd love to check back in with him. That'd be cool, Nick.

Yeah. On a solo episode.

Yeah. Let's just see how he's doing. If he's still competing.

He's doing only fans, too.

Yeah, but that's where it's at now. But then I guess it's like you're in control of it. So maybe it's not sad. Maybe my view of it is sad. Do you think it's sad? Or do you think it's okay? Maybe you're right. Maybe we put this negative connotation on it. Like, if my teacher has an awesome body or a body that I want to see, or she likes showing it off and twerking or whatever, I think.

We pass the point. Maybe in the beginning it might have been a little sad, but I think everybody has. Even growing up, one of my friends, this kid, Peter, had a photo of his mom naked in the. You know, that was free onlyfans back then because we would see that. And I still can remember that visual. But she was doing that for free. Imagine one day we all go to his house for sleepover, and she accidentally is like, oops, I left this website open. What's your email and credit card and CVV. And now we're signing up for it. I think everybody's mom has been naked in a photo somewhere, so you might as well monetize it. Yeah, as long as it doesn't interrupt with what you're. I don't know. I don't see a problem with it.

There's this cooking couple, and they cook. And then this is on Pornhub.

This is legitimate. So, wait, these people were from your hometown?

Yeah.

He was the chancellor at UWL, and they found out and he got fired. And now he's probably going to sue because he says it was his first amendment.

Kind of. I don't think that it's wrong if people were going to do what they want to do. I think it might be a little strange. Here's the strange part, is if kids can go and see you doing something that's pretty graphic, that ain't good for kids. No. Yeah.

I mean, doing this with 20,000 views, definitely fire him for sure. I mean, if this was like 10 million, you're like, dude, fuck, yeah. Now he's got a career. I think he's trying to sue to make headlines.

Dude, high school was freaking nuts, bro.

Yeah, dude, there was two teachers that started dating. They both got divorced and started dating in my middle school. And it was like, remember when viral was just like, word of mouth? That's what it was. Everybody's like, dude, fucking. One was a home ec, one was a history teacher.

Yeah.

So they were getting historical in that.

Post, dude, remember when viral was just some dude yelling something in the hallway?

Yeah. Or like, one guy did something in math class, he threw a wad of soap and toilet paper to the ceiling. And then everybody heard about at lunch. That was viral.

Like, damn, Ricky wadded up the fucking science, bro. Yeah, dude, what a legend, dude, it.

Was easy to be a legend back then.

Oh, it was so easy to be a legend. You could do anything.

We had these dumb high school pranks. We'd take ketchup packets and we'd put them under the toilet seat. So when somebody would go to sit down and shoot us a pack of their legs, dude, now that I think about it, I would kill myself if that happened to me, if I was at lunch or if I was trying to pee in between spanish class, I'm off a bike it in, and I get shot by Hines, 57, in the kneecaps. I'm taking my own life, bro.

There's nothing gayer for some reason, than the back of your leg, dude.

Well, you walk into class and goes like, do you smell like ketchup?

I'm like, but really, even when you just touch the back of your leg, it feels like.

It feels like you could fuck it.

It feels like it's been fucking meeting guys somewhere.

It's been waiting for it. But imagine trying to wipe that off.

It feels like veal kind of, doesn't. It? Does. It feels more expensive.

Yeah. A little tender.

Yeah. Dude, if you touch the back of your legs, man. It just feels more expensive.

Yeah. That's the part that I think if I had a casket, the open casket that had cremation, I'd have that down there, like bone marrow type thing.

Oh, yeah, I like that. Like a dip. Yeah. I love that. If you're open casket, definitely chips and everything around you, because you don't want people to have to come up and feel like they can't stay and look at you. That's the thing that I did hate. Sometimes it was horrible to see somebody sometimes open casket, but you felt like you only got like 2 seconds and then it wasn't cool of you and you had to go back and cry like by those chairs and stuff. Yeah, because, yes, some people you want to get back in line.

Oh, that's true. That's true. I would maybe do like sunglasses or. I don't know.

Yeah, but deaf. Put a perk 30 on somebody if you go to their open casket.

Yeah, I'll do something.

Put it right on their lapel or something. Put it in dad's hand. Give him something nobody knows.

You tuck it back in.

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Did you have, like, a DUI guy?

Yeah, we had this dude, maestro Mack was his name, right? He taught Pornhub. He taught something at our school, right? And suddenly he showed up one day and he was just in wrestling shorts or a unitard or something, and he would say, like, karate my body. And then he would just break a fucking brick or something with his hand, right?

And everybody's like, is this anti drug? Because this makes me want to do coke. This makes me want to do drugs, dude.

The craziest part was too, like, one time he had a bunch of wood or whatever, right, that he was going to break. And the shop teacher would always get pissed because he'd be like, he'd be jealous that he had all this spare wood. He'd be like, we have nothing to.

Build now to mechanical pencils over here.

It was crazy, bro, because the shop teacher, they would always steal these wooden parts by the baseball field that had advertisements on them. And then you'd see, like, birdhouses, like a month later, and they'd all have, like, auto glass or something on the side of you. Like, what the fuck?

Yeah, dude, made in Stockton.

But that dude, one time, maestro Mac. Yeah. People were like, 09:00 a.m.. Too.

It was like, you'd get to class and they'd be like, oh, we're not doing class today.

We're doing assembly.

Learning about an assembly?

Yeah, we're doing assembly. And it's about no drugs. And this guy, his wife would go out and light, like, two smoke bombs or whatever in the gym, and then he would, like, come running out in between him. It was so bizarre. And then, like, the finale one time, she was hitting him in the head with a broomstick, right? Like, right, to break it across his head. And she hit him like three times, and it didn't break. And everybody, you could see the cops start to kind of walk over a little bit, like the security guards and shit. And people started yelling, one more.

This turns into WWE. Dana White's in there. You better fuck him up, man. So this is to prevent drugs?

Yeah, I guess. Probably. And then she hit him three more times. He just bleeding everywhere, and then they shut it down.

Dude, the best drug prevention should just be a guy who's really coked out, trying to pitch you on starting a podcast for, like, an hour, and he just doesn't stop talking to the whole auditorium. You don't get him at Bluetooth, VPN plug talk, and he just keeps going about it. I would never do it. Yeah, we had a DUI one, and they would make us put on these goggles that made it feel like you were drunk. And then we get in a drive simulator. I got pretty good at it. Yeah, dude. Because it just made me want to be like, how good is this? Because they had to test it somewhere. I'm like, they just riffing this in a laboratory somewhere. Or they're sending out Thomas, who's hammered off a couple of steel reserves. Go drive the bronco around the block.

And see what you get. So, wait, it was like an oculus type of thing?

Yeah, it looked like an oculus, but.

It was like, look it up, nick.

Like, lab coat, plastic glasses. But the vision, it just looked like maybe glasses that your dad would wear. They're really thick, but they were just really bad eyesight that just blurred everything. So I was having, like, drunk driver simulator, like, goggles. Yeah, they just look like that, but they just made you see really blurry. But it was kind of fun to do. At, like, 09:00 a.m. All the football players were like, this is how I.

Drive to practice fatal vision impairment goggles. Jesus. The fatal vision alcohol goggles deliver memorable lessons on topics like impaired driving, underage drinking, and other substance abuse issues. Participants perform simple activities or sobriety tests without and then with the goggles. Performing the activities takes twice. Performing the activities twice lets participants experience the performance while unimpaired and then impaired. Is this what you're talking about?

Yeah, it was like these.

Wow.

So, yeah, it would show, like, how drunk you were.

So you would feel drunker the second time. Because the goggles just alter your kind of perception.

Yeah. So it kind of just looks like if you were trying to think, it just looked like you were looking out, like, really foggy glass. Almost like a fun mirror type thing. But, yeah, we would do this for, like, 09:00 a.m. And a lot of times, they would bring, like, a mangled up car that was involved in an accident, and they'd be like, this was the car so and so was in, and then the guy's there to talk about it. I'm like, dude, so you get a DUI, and now you get to tour the US doing, like, door deals with a high school.

And they would always have somebody has spray painted trank lord or something on the car, and there would be a bloody cheerleader, like, hanging out of it. They always had that shit.

Yeah, they'd paint the story. And then you just go back to class after that time to learn about meiosis when we just learned about a guy who mangled a car with his best friend in it. Now, it's a really weird thing to give high schoolers at literally 09:00 a.m.

That was an unbelievable time for high schoolers because it was really the time of day. You had just woken up.

Yeah.

You hadn't been awake the first hour and a half. You don't know what the fuck you were doing. You were happy. You were just making sure you were alive. 09:00 a.m. You kind of pipe up a little bit, and then they take you there, and then the guy showing you, like, yeah, his handle is like, tranqu Lord 5000. You're like, we're supposed to follow this? Yeah.

I never really got the. I don't know. It would make me just feel really sad for the person that lost their life, but I don't know if it deterred me from drinking and driving.

Yeah. Like, the mom would be there, and they were like, alejandro could have lived to be 20, and you're, like, only 20. They would have, like, he's still not.

Even old enough to drink. Dude. Plastered off wine coolers.

Sometimes the exchange rate, like, the verbal exchange rate, like, with the person who.

Would come in, was so awful weird.

That we had a guy, Officer Bob, and he was, like, the biggest cop they ever made, right? Oh, they put him in the car, and then, I swear, I don't think he could get out of the car for, like, years. Like, he was. Literally had to live in the cop car.

He was, like, that famous.

He was that big. He was very.

That. Okay.

And his weight had shut down. Look up Covington, Louisiana. Dare. Officer Bob. Bob. And his weight had shut down. Even his wind, it, like, pushed, like. Yeah. And he would be like, don't do drugs. I love you, but. And if he pulled you over for a could, you had to walk back.

He just says, license, registration through the intercom.

Oh, it was known through town you had to walk back and get the ticket from him. Yeah, he just was too big. He couldn't handle it. This might have been before they had photography, the Internet. Yeah, maybe just go to images. Let's see.

So funny. I like seeing a fat cop. They're going against society norms.

Yeah, I'll still catch them.

Do you ever see a cop just being a cop? Like, living up to stereotype? Like, at a donut shop, and you're.

Like, fuck, yeah, dude.

Live it up, dude.

Yeah, it is pretty respectable, man.

Yeah, why not?

There's something nice about it. Yeah, we've seen so many great. Like, that's one cool thing you see at the shows now, just with watching the shows, making sure everything. After the show, you get to talk to the cops. And, like, we threw out this guy. We threw out, like, some dude urinated in a woman's hair. Like, thought it was a bathroom. Dude was wasted.

What city?

I think it was Pueblo, Colorado.

Yeah, that high altitude. Altitude. I can't even say.

A child of a couple of gold miners or whatever. And this dude's just splash scalping some bird. And she said she sat there. She didn't know what was going on. And then after a little while, she like, what's happening?

Do you know people at Taylor Swift concerts or some girls that wear diaper because they don't want to miss any of the concert, so they'll just pee themselves? Yeah, they're doing it because, I mean, tickets are so expensive. Like, a pee probably cost them, like, $648 or something.

Yeah, it's 20 minutes of your time. Yeah.

So you might as well just pee your pants on it.

Honestly, some Twitter swift fans say they're wearing adult diapers to a show so they don't miss any songs. It totally makes sense, especially these days.

I think if anybody wears a diaper to my show, it's because they're going to shit themselves from packing too many zens. The amount of times I see vape smoke in my crowds, I fucking love it. Anybody that comes out to see me, I'm like, I love you guys. It's just so, like, true to the native American. They're heckling with fucking smoke signals. Pussy.

They just write F-A-G in the air with smoke.

Heckling you by blowing o's. This is so funny.

That's hilarious, bro.

Yeah. I like getting recognized by cops. It happens more like, a lot of cops watch my stuff, which is weird. I'm like, when do you guys have time to do this? But it makes me feel good when they're like, dude, I love your stuff. I've had a cop. Be shy.

Yeah. What's it called?

Not starstruck because I don't think it's like that, but I think they're just like, oh, shit. Nervous around me. I'm like, you have a gun. Should be nervous around you. Don't study your words around me.

Hey, I have a four loco advertisement, okay.

Hey, you made the Kyle videos, right? You are in control of the bad people. Use your gun. Put me in handcuffs. When was last time you were in a Back of a cop car?

Oh, my friend Billy and I, my budy Billy Conforto rip, man, he was famous. One of the most famous gay prize fighters and prize, he just fought. He was like one of the first gays that could really fight. They didn't have it. People would like call him a name and then beat their ass and then get the shit beat out of you. So it was amazing, dude. It was like, oh, this is different.

That'd be such a good dare if somebody didn't know.

But call him, oh, it was great. One thing I remember when I was young, I always wanted friends that had something different about like one of my first friends was this guy Douglas. And he had a stutter and I'd never heard it. And then know the gay fighter and Douglas would be like, don't call him. And then Billy would just knock someone out if they did call him an.

F-A-G-I wanted to be different so bad growing up, I told people I was colorblind. Yeah, so bad to point my doctor. My mom took me to doctor and he's like pointing at something that's a yellow. And he's like, what color is that? I was like blue. Just riffing. I just wanted to be different so bad.

Oh, I just yelled the n word at a couple of Mormons, dude. I'll be like, you don't believe I'm colorblind? And I would just drop it right on a Mormon.

Yeah, I wanted to be color.

Nazareth. Hit him with that. Nazareth.

Oh, that word.

Yeah. Okay. That's what I'm talking about, bro. Shout out to black Mormons. Are there any black Mormons?

I think so.

We need more. We need more, man. We had a lot of blonkies in our area growing up.

What's that?

Like black dudes that want to be white. Like the opposite of wiggas. Oh, we had hella blonkies, bro.

Okay.

What were we talking about? Oh yeah, big Bob, our cop, he just get on that loudspeaker like he just couldn't get. He was so big do people have.

To handcuff themselves to get in the car? How do I do this? He's like, I go, look like job.

Of the hut dude. But me and Billy, so we got pulled over. Billy had, like, a pound of weed on him. So he. Or in the car. So he picks it up, he puts it in his shirt, right? They take us out of my car, put us in the cop car to search my car.

Oh, but he had the weed on him.

He had the weed on him. So now we're sitting in the cop car with the pound of weed on him. And then they're like, all clear. They put us back in the car, and we fucking drove off.

Holy shit.

That was awesome.

I wonder if anybody's ever got pulled over for a parking ticket and then put, like, a pound of weed in their ass just because they're scared. Or like, I pulled over. You know how sometimes cops will clear the highway just, like, stop traffic? I wonder if anybody's seen that and freaked out and put an a ball in their ass.

Just start fucking slowly knuckling nugs up their hole.

They're putting just, like, the OG four loco in there. They're like, it's illegal now, moonshot.

There has to be a tragic story out there of somebody who they thought a cop was stopping, or maybe they weren't, because it could have been something else.

It was like, apartment security. And he's like, oh, fuck. The guy's just jamming eight ball of heroin up there.

A twelve sack of dirt weed up his ass.

Sees mall security, he's like, oh, fuck. It's just so crazy to put something in your ass that fast, too.

And it's hard to do. I love how people are like, yeah, just tossed it in my ass.

I don't think I'd be able to talk, okay, to the cop.

No.

If I fucking eight ball my ass.

Oh, because you're just hoping that that plastic holds out or you're dead.

I mean, you're living life on Lavita Locomote for about 10 seconds. You're crushing it the second it breaks through. But it is sensitive down there. I mean, it goes straight in the bloodstream.

Yeah, they used to have, like, that thing, vagippin or whatever, when people put lsd in their vagina. I remember. I've heard of that vajip, vagippin. A lot of chicks would do that.

You'd imagine eating a chick out while she does that. She just turns into, like, a custard pie. But, like, imagine what one time my friend said this girl.

Yeah. She just turns into a fucking well.

Because the effect table or something. The effect of the LSD goes to you and you just forget what you're doing down there and you're just floating.

You just think you're kissing an oyster at a beach or whatever.

Kiss. Romantic.

Yeah. You're at a fucking red lobster just slurping faces. Some oyster.

Am I at Tatsu ramen right now? Have you ever done salvia?

Wasn't that like gas station dope? Kind of.

Yeah. You could just be 18 and up, but you would trip really hard. Yeah, they sold it like it was cigarettes. Like, you could smoke it and your life is different from about 15 minutes. Like the entire world. You can literally just smoke this and go out into the real world. It's crazy.

Salvia is the largest genus of plants in the sage family, with nearly 1000 species of shrubs and annuals within the salvia is part of the tribe menthia.

There's a really funny video. I mean, this guy does Salvia and then he goes gardening. It's like og YouTube. It's fucking hilarious.

Bad.

Yeah, that guy. That guy. 5 each side. And that plant's going to smoke salvia and then tries to garden the ground. We're going to fill it in with some miracle, grow some soil from the garden. Kind of a long video, but. And then we're going to make sure that it's doing okay with a little bit of ph test that I'm going to show you how to do in a little bit. Maybe speed up a little bit. He just falls over. Maybe I was on Salvia watching this.

But hold on. The guy's now laying on the ground, right? Kind of quivering. The text goes, want to see more Salvia challenges?

What is this?

Cardiac arrest? That's not a salvia.

Yeah. No. You like full blown trip balls for 15 minutes and they just sell it out of gas stations. You can just buy it, bro.

It's crazy how the Food and Drug Administration. Can we just say that they don't care about.

They don't care. They do not care.

They don't care about us.

You could buy this and go to jury duty and just sit there. Jury duty is fucking hilarious. It's like a flight that never takes off. You're just sitting there, man. I wish you could pick your cases. I wish they had a menu like, oh, here's the cases they're doing today. Because then I could see if I want to pretend like I'm racist or not to try and get out of it.

Oh, yeah. I roll right in there and tell them I'm racist.

What t shirt are you wearing?

And last time they're like, we have so many races here today, we still have to ask you guys a couple of questions.

We got to filter through, see how racist you are. Damn, man. I got called into a jury, and then there was a bunch of people trying to give excuses. You ever try to give an excuse, dude, people bomb. Because I was like, third up, and this girl's like, I have a child. And he's like, well, have you ever heard of a babysitter? And then the girl's like, well, next. Then it gets to me. This is when I first started touring. I was like, I'm a touring comedian. He believed it, but I'm surprised he wasn't like, do a tight five right now. Yeah, just terrifying.

It's intense, man.

I can't believe jury duty is a real thing. We just go and grab a random group of 100 of America's dumbest people and be like, hey, sit in this room. We're going to use ten of you to solve this murder. It blows my mind.

Well, the craziest part about it is.

This bitch works at a Leslie's pool supply, and now they're fucking in charge of a murder.

Now they're trying to figure out who killed Kennedy, right?

Like, are you just trying to find the guy to the Dane Cook concert? And some guy's like, I don't know the difference between a cucumber and a pickle. And you want me to decide on this jury?

This is a Fudd rucker's manager. This is a fud rucker's manager.

Yeah.

They shouldn't be putting somebody in jail.

And blows my mind.

Also, it seems lazy. Well, it's like these days I think people can be so divided to politically that if you see somebody and they're not like your type or whatever, then.

Immediately there should be a better pool to draw from. Like every kid who was on the debate team in high school. Pull from those. Yeah, like, we shouldn't have to get the guy who drives Oscar Meyer Wienermobile around town to be like, I think he stabbed that bitch. You did it, sir. You did it in behind the hot dog truck.

Yeah, and now they even have. The other day they caught an illegal alien on a fucking. The guy didn't even speak English and they caught him on a jury. It's like, what is even? This guy's coming to our country and he's just telling if people are murdered, he can't even speak English.

Yeah, he just does this points. He's fucking with them. He's like, that's crazy. And it's a jury. Like, you could riff. You'd be like, I don't like this guy's outfit. Let's send him in. Yeah, it just blows my mind that we're just crowdsourcing if somebody's guilty or.

Just everything has gotten pretty bananas, man.

Just seems lazy on the government to be like, we'll have society do it, or maybe it's fair. I don't know. I don't know anything.

Well, the government's gotten. The government is out of business. Really? I mean, have you been around working.

From home and shit?

Even the US postal system?

It's like, I was just talking about this. I get mail. It said, sent to my house. It says, to Trevor Wallace or current resident. How desperate is that for Trevor Wallace or fucking anybody? Anybody who lives here. It's, like, sad. Why you got to be like, if you want.

Yeah, it's almost mail, begging you to open it. And there's no good mail anymore. And it's like, all the mail is trash. It's all fucking. Just a bunch of smack on paper.

They put those fake fucking credit cards in there to be like, oh, I think he's going to open it up. The shitty part is there's a lot of Americans that are like, just got a new visa. It's, like, open now. Urgent. It's like a credit card to fucking bourbon.

Shouldn't be urgent.

Yeah, that is my money. Yeah. Open. Do not bend. I hate all mail is bullshit. Do not bend. It's paper. Yeah, I got to a bathroom.

You do?

Yeah.

Hit it up, man.

Easy. Inside or outside?

It's inside. Nick said we should put ketchup under your seat. Bro, there is nothing real gayer than the back of your. Huh?

Such a funny place to get pranked just to, like, imagine this. You got to shit real bad at school. You just ate a honey bun.

Fuck. So crazy. And you can't really deal with it at the moment because you suffer shitting.

You're like, what do I wipe first?

My legs from my ass, dude. I wonder if one thing about a coffin you don't see much is somebody face down in a coffin.

That's so funny.

Lying on their hands like that, maybe.

Yeah, that's funny. That seems more peaceful, honestly.

Yeah, it's really true. Who lies like that in a call?

Yeah, I'm a side sleeper, honestly. So maybe I'll just turn the casket vertical.

Yeah, side in a coffin would be kind of nice looking over at somebody. Yeah. And even one of your hands up, like, this is point at.

Dude. What if you did one of these, like, a selfie opportunity, like the wax museum? Yeah, maybe a sleep mask would be kind of cool, bro.

But that's unbelievable. That charted said, now it's 76% of people are cremated, bro. That's unbelievable. It was 4% in 1960.

Did they have that technology back then? That had to be a hard pitch. Like, the first guy to do cremation. Yeah, we could just burn the motherfucker. What?

I don't know.

I'm just spitballing. Think about the future, dude.

I'm not saying Satan's winning, but, yeah, we could just fucking torch the guy.

That seems like how you airdrop yourself to hell is just by doing cremation. Yeah. I don't know.

Also, you used to have all, like, the mummies, and they would mummify people. They would bury them. One of the big things back in the day was they would bury you with things you needed to get to the next life. Sometimes I think that could be one of the reasons why we're stalling out here as a society, because we're not even burying people. First of all, we're burning people up.

Okay? There's no way God looks down as, like, chill.

Hell, yeah.

Good. Nice. Well, they're burning right next to the wood fire pizza.

Dude. Imagine if you went to a funeral where somebody's cremated and then went to a wood burning pizza oven after.

Dude, that would be a really good two for one.

Yeah.

Like, burn your dad, get some barbecue chicken pizza. I don't know. The whole thought of it freaks me out. It's so weird.

Oh, it's so weird. One thing to me that's Henry's was I think we used to prepare people, literally, like, they would prepare people. They would bury them with different. Can you look at that? Is true. Yeah.

Because they'd find a lot of people buried either with their cat or, like, first of all, my cat would be so pissed down there.

Yeah. Stuff they needed for the afterlife. Yeah.

Wow. What are you bringing?

Yeah, bring up people. Burying people with afterlife stuff. The ancient Egyptians tomb was supplied with items the deceased would need in the afterlife. Food, household goods, the body itself. Often the supplies provided were also duplicated in other forms. Food and furniture, for example, were painted or carved into the banquet scenes on the tomb walls. But, yeah, they needed you to get to the afterlife. So I think then a lot more people were actually making it through to the afterlife. Now we're not even burying people with shit so that it's fucking stalled and back.

You didn't bring anything. You're not going to the next life.

So the spirit just gets kicked back here, and that's why everybody gets born and like, oh, this guy's dumb as fuck because he's just stalled out here. It's like we're almost like it's a giant potluck.

You don't bring anything. They just send you right back.

Yeah, I think that's one of the problems. Our spirits are stalled out because we're not getting the right tools to.

What do you think you would bring?

It's like Zelda, breath of the wild. I'd bring that thing that when you jump off of something, it lets you glide, kind of.

Oh, yeah. I thought you meant one of those pull up bars you put on a door frame. Dude, if you're a chicken, you go to a guy's house and he has a pull up bar on the doorframe. Girl, you better wrap up because his wife is going to be home soon.

Let's just say he's a theta kai. Okay. Let's be real factual about that.

Yeah, I think no girl sees that. And it's like, oh, fuck, yeah. She can't afford a planet fitness membership.

Dude, every place I go perform for colleges, apparently, the frat, or whatever that is, roofing everybody is always Pike, I feel.

Yeah, Pike's a big one. Our neighbors in the frat at college were pike, and that was our whole stereotype. They got kicked off campus my first semester there, and then they just come to our parties like dog. No. Yeah.

They're notorious for it.

Yeah, it is.

For just really having a blast doing.

A college gig this week, actually. You are St. Louis Missou. Mizzou. I'm flying into St. Louis, but they're always far. It's in Rolo. It might be University of Missouri.

It's in Rolo.

Can you look at what's in Mizzou? It's not on my website.

The great part, you don't have to.

Promote these college shows.

Oh, yeah, that's nice.

Can you type in Ralo University? Dude, I don't know anything. I don't know. But, yeah, I will say, like, the front row is just all. Just frat guys yelling. Yeah, Sean Evans from hot ones. Yeah, I did a hot ones live at a college with him. Me and him. It was so fun. But all these frat guys were in the crowd. Put on more sauce. Pussy. Like getting heckled for crying, eating chicken wings. Frat guys are the best people ever. Oh, dude, they're just walking exclamation points.

People like, yeah, like, we were out the other night, and those guys, like, record me. One guy be recording. One guy would show someone his phone. It would be like, upper deck is in. Or fuck your dad.

And then the other guy's recording.

You see, you have to give your aunt.

Oh, the street interviews. Yeah, those guys spawn out of nowhere. You can be anywhere, and a guy will pop up, be like, yo, gay son, or thought daughter, what would you rather have? Dog? We're in a fucking Barnes and noble, dude. How did you get in here? You just pop out of nowhere. That's content now. Yeah, content is surprise content.

Oh, bro. That's one thing that I haven't been like. I don't like, that ambush style.

Yeah, it's shocking, dude.

And I don't like the surprise stuff because you forget that when you're talking to somebody, like, if it's at an event or something like that, that somebody could be recording it.

Yeah, it's crazy. I mean, where was I?

Too scary? Because if you don't know, I never even know what I'm saying half the time. So I'm like, dude, I was in.

New York, and some guy tapped me on the shoulder. I had headphones and sunglasses on, and he tapped me on the shoulder. I turn out and he goes, with a camera. He had a camera guy and a mic. And he goes, when was the last time you cried? Like. Like, brother, I'm walking in a park by myself. Probably pretty soon. We're not far from it, but I asked the guy after, I was like, I started to rip with him, and I was like, dude, I don't know who this guy is. I was like, can you actually just delete it? He's like, no, for sure. And I was like, no, let me watch you delete it. It was very weird. Yeah, this pop up shit. And you're such a recognizable guy. It probably happens to you all the time. I see clips of it.

Yeah. I start seeing shit that I can't even. I'm like, oh, that was recorded. That was a thing. It gets kind of scary. It's crazy. Some of it's invasive. Yeah. And that's the thing. You don't know now if somebody just whispers something to you, like that, if somebody's in the distance recording it, so you could say something, even if you think it's just between friends or something, and then they can burn you up on something.

Yeah. Dude, I'll see you. Like, I mean, you're, like, walking through, like, a minor league. Like, baseball dugouts was like, theo Vaughn.

How big is your cock now?

You're just all over TikTok and Reddit because you gave a thumbs up. Like, anything you do, people are like.

Some girl the other day, she's driving by in her car. I guess she drove by, and she came back around real slow, and she's like, what's up, theo? And I was like, let me see that.

But that's what they want.

But that's what you need. Yeah, that's what people want to see. They want to see that somebody drove by.

They want that outlandish feel.

And you said, let me see that puss. Which is what you're thinking anyway.

You're just like a walking nft. Like, if anybody gets footage of you being you, they now have a prized possession of, like, theo yelling, let me see that post.

Yeah, shit gets weird, man.

It's crazy, dude.

We went to. Oh, you know what we did? That was awesome. We went to. Caitlin Clark broke the.

Oh, Louisiana or, no, not Louisiana. Indianapolis.

Oh, fuck.

I'm a. Shut up.

Iowa. But Indianapolis isn't far off. But she broke it all.

Be on the same tour schedule.

The women's scoring record.

Oh, you were there for that, bro.

We went, how did the crowd go.

When she broke it?

It was crazy.

Oh, it was good.

Me and Caleb Presley went, bro. Yeah, he's so funny, man. What a neat guy. And, yeah, we went, bro. We literally had a blast. I mean, we just showed up, and her boyfriend, Connor McCaffrey is her boyfriend and his brother Patrick, and we got to sit with them.

Did you be everywhere? It was fun.

Well, this was. I just. I never got to see. Watching her play is just really, like. It's a vibe. The whole team, man, like, Hannah Stolkey, they got a bunch of, like. It was just really interesting. And you're watching, and it's like, the energy's hype. Like, I haven't been to a lot of, I guess, women's basketball games a lot of times, you think, you know, but this shit was hype, bro.

Yeah, dude, I saw a duke game and how packed in their stadium is, and that energy was fucking awesome.

Here's the shot right here that it broke the record. Oh, gang, bro. What a banger. Yeah.

I'm immediately shotgun in a bud light, bro.

She's a freaking.

And that was from downtown.

Oh, she's a sniper. So three. That's what she said. She threw it up. That's what they run it as really popped off.

That was to break the bodies out there in Iowa. No. All time points for women in NCAA.

Yeah, sorry. It was all time points for women in NCAA. She also hit 1000 assists that game. Wow. How many points was that? I think she's at 36 something. 30. How much points is she at, Nick? She's at 35. 69.

And she had 49 that game.

Yeah. It was her highest ever. She had 23 in the first quarter. We were like, bro, you feel like you are incapable. We were like, God, yeah, dude, that's awesome. But that was pretty sick, man. That was like, probably one of the neater things that I've done in the past year.

That's great, man.

That was just pretty cool. You've been any cool events? Did you go to Super Bowl?

I was there Super bowl week. I got to open the Burton Tom show in Vegas, my first arena. That was awesome, dude.

Yeah. What was that like? It's a different ballgame.

It was surreal. So pretty much, I got asked to do his golf tournament out there, and then I booked my own show. Just had wise guys do work on some new shit. And then me and Tom erupted. The same agency? Yeah, you're there, too. And just kind of put a feeler out there. Like, hey, Trevor's going to be there if you guys just wants to watch the show. And then they were like, yeah. Would he be down to cold open it? And I was like, fuck, yeah. And at first they're like, do five minutes. Now I'm like, just five minutes is so hard because you're like, what five minutes are people going to get to know me on? And then do seven? I was like, all right, great. And then do ten. And then I'm just like, great. Now I have, like, an actual opportunity to do some bits in this.

Yeah. And you're like. You're realizing, oh, these guys are too drunk to go to work right now.

Yeah, they're extending it. Okay. Bert is somewhere relapsed in a fucking six milligram zin bender. Too busy blasting bon Jovi with his tits out. But it was fucking. I was so nervous. It. No way.

Yeah.

I mean, it's insane. And there was cold open, so it's just like, all the lights were on, and then the lights were on. Well, right before they announced me, they're like, all right, lights were on. They cut black, and then they go, Trevor Wallace. There was no show. Know I've been cold open somebody so hard.

So wrote one time I did a show Rogan invited me to do a show with him and Andrew Santino, and it was in Atlanta, and I was there just working the club or something. He's like, you want to jump on my show? I was like, sure. We're standing backstage talking. I had no idea I was going on first. Literally, they announced out, there you go. I walk out there, bro. It was a couple of thousand people. So scared. Couldn't fucking talk. Didn't know some of my bits, didn't know some words. People were sitting down.

So nervous. I was so nervous because obviously I've done stand up thousands of times, but, like, ten minutes in front of it's impossible. And the lineup is me, Bobby Shane, Tom Burch. And I'm like, I don't. Because as the first comic, if you kind of suck, you might steer the show in a weird, know, I have the set in my head and I'm like, yeah, this is. Here we go. We're just going to do it. And then I'm just, like, nervous. I get really quiet before shows. I don't know. And then you're in the green room. It's fucking like, I mean, guy Fieri's back there, Jimmy Kimmel's back there, and you're just like, all these people are going to watch. Yeah. But luckily, when they announced my name, like, a good amount of the crowd felt like they knew or was at least aware of me. And then I took the wrong way to get on the stage. I'm fucking panicking. There's nothing worse. The first time I did the comedy store, same thing. I went the wrong route. You're, like, opening under the comedy store sign. You just look like an idiot.

Yeah.

So I just went and got a joke out as quick as possible. I think it was as good as it could have been for what it was. It wasn't, like, standing ovation worthy, but I thought it was a great cold, open and burned. Tom said nice things.

Oh, it's amazing, dude, to get to do that show, I'm freaking jealous, man. To get to do that is amazing.

Yes, I was in Super bowl, but I didn't stay for Super bowl. Were you at the game?

No, I didn't go, man. I felt like it was going to be. I don't know if I wanted to be around so much sometimes. There's so much going on at those things. It's like everybody's trying to make videos. It just feels kind of, like, overwhelming.

It's not even about the game. It feels like everybody totally. We're at this lunch spot, and LeBron walks by, and you're like, oh, LeBron's here. Anybody give a shit about me? Yeah, it was nuts. Guy. What's his name? Gordon Ramsay was at the same bottle service because I was with Sean, and we went out to this club, and Gordon Ramsay just had a table, and they're like, why am I ever at the same table as Gordon Ramsay?

Yeah.

So bizarre.

Oh, dude, I went to Bobby Kennedy's birthday. Mean. It's just. It's all just crazy, the shit you end up in. And as weird as the world gets now, it's like the shit that's going on is even getting weird. So it's like, it was me, my friend Aaron, Bobby Kennedy, his wife, John Stockton, and Mel Gibson.

Just crazy. In what world are we all together and for why?

Yeah. And what problem are we supposed to. It was, but just crazy. Just sitting there, just eating dessert, just talking to Mel Gibson.

That's John Stockton?

Yeah. I think he was an all time assist leader. I don't know if he still is or not.

You ever met anybody that you were nervous by?

Yeah. I think some of that goes away over time, though, because you just get used to meeting people who are popular. For me, still. It's any decent looking woman. Okay. Yeah.

You with hot chicks and interviews are always funny to.

It's fucking hard.

Anytime you do a hot chick on the pod, I feel like you turn it so shy. You're like, it's hard. You ever had a pudding before? She's like, what? We could just cut to the ads.

You're, like, bringing a casserole, right?

Yeah.

50,000 bonus points.

The comments are so funny because they're always just like. You can tell how nervous theo is when a hot chicks on.

I know. We got to get some more cool chicks in, man.

Dude, they're out there.

I know. We got to get some neat in. I want to get some fucking, know, some latina smell.

Yeah, you should do.

We want to get peso pluma.

Oh, he'd be awesome.

I sent a DM to El Chapo's wife. Dude, fuck.

You should not be doing that, dude. Yeah, bro.

It was a dumb. I didn't know. I thought El Chapo was despacito or something. What is it called? Not alive.

Decapitated.

Muerto. I thought.

Does that mean Wednesday?

Okay, what is it, Nick?

Muerto.

Is death okay? I thought he was. Yeah, death. I thought he was death, and I thought El Chapo. Yeah, and I thought his wife had been in prison, so I was like, I just heard Narcole. She's got a prison. I was like, oh, I'm going to say what's. You know, I'm gonna freaking slide and see if I can get her on the know, I guess.

So crazy to get out of prison immediately. You'd be like, yo, you're trying to hop on the pod. You should do gypsy Rose.

We hit her up because everybody kept tagging us in some story like, get gypsy Rose. And we hit her up, but she didn't reply back. But I think she just played in. Didn't she just play in, like, NBA all star weekend or so?

Did she really?

I thought she.

Dude, they'd be putting everybody in that fucking game.

They put anybody.

She was like, Jack Harlow garden up on Gypsy Rose?

Yeah, dude, that shit's crazy, bro. Yeah, it's like the Easter bunny fucking garden. Kid Leroy or whatever.

Kid rocks the rap, dude. He's just blowing a crackpipe instead of a whistle. I want to smoke cracks so bad, bro. It looks warm.

Well, one of the best things about it I've heard is that you can stay up and get things done.

I feel that so much because coke.

It'S just sometimes it's too erratic to get things done. But crack this so you can actually get some things done. The my pillow guy, Michael. Not sure of his name.

Mike Lindell.

Mike Lindell. He has a book that I read, and it's about his crack addiction and how he held onto his brand the whole time. He was flying to Vegas on the weekends to stay up all night and gamble. He was, like, counting cards, and he'd make just enough money to keep his pillow obsession going. Yeah.

So he made a pillow company while cracked out. So he made something to sleep while he was never sleeping. Fucking genius. If you think about it, somebody's like, how does it feel? He's like, I have no idea. I've never tried it. That's just where I hide my cocaine on flights. That's crazy to be addicted to crack and make a pillow. That's hilarious.

It is, bro. We should have him on just to hear about that story. I know some people have, like, people get.

I like when business owners have a good ordinance story. Like, I know people who used to be really addicted to heroin and now they have their own company. It's like, I feel like they fought through so much. I trust their business more, almost.

Yeah, well, a lot of addicts, they're really capable. They just got caught up doing the wrong thing because people can get addicted to work and working well, also know.

Yeah, I feel like I have some of that. Do you feel like that?

Yeah, for sure. I think you have some of that. Even if we talk about it, you're always a little bit dialed in. Like, what do I want to do? Yeah, you're always thinking, like, how can I challenge myself?

That's weird. Sometimes I'm, like, editing on, like, a Saturday night and I'm like, what the fuck am I doing in my life? Why am I not at, like, a rodeo or, like, a buffalo? Wild wings? I don't know.

Have you been to a rodeo? Maybe as a child, bro, it is one of the funnest things. It's so much fun.

It looks awesome.

Take a date, go to the rodeo. It's the best event that I've been to in the past couple of years. I can't wait to go again, man.

Do you serve food there?

Yeah, they got food. They got, like, hot dogs and soda.

What is the main event?

They don't have salmon or anything, but the main event. Well, the best things about it are sometimes they have the clowns out there in the barrels. They got that shit going on. They have, like, where the people ride the horse down and cut. Barrel cutting. Is it barrel racing? And they go around, like, they have to cut around the barrel as quick as they can on a horseback. So you're, like, trying to just uturn a fucking horse. So that's pretty gangster. List of events. Bareback riding. Whoa. Broncos.

A few things.

Yeah. Saddle bronco riding, steer wrestling and then roping. They do this one thing where they'll put the kids on, like, a little sheep or something and let the sheep run out, and there's just some kid just fucking. They literally tied the kid onto the sheep and he's just. And then he'll just fall right into the dirt every time, dude. But it just feels like americana and it feels like everybody's having a blast.

Everybody's in for the same goal.

Look at that.

He's fucking reverse on that. That's a bold move, dude.

That's like, when me and my brother were kids, we used to, like, if one of us had to use the toilet and the other one did at the same time, the first one would get on and face the back of the tank and the second one would sit, like, back to back against him.

Like the Hurley logo. Really?

Yeah, like the Hurley logo. Yeah, I remember that. And it feels hella gay, too, dude. If you're, like, straining your body and you can feel the other person straining their body.

Oh, yeah, the tensing.

Yeah. So that was uncomfortable.

Get up and beat his ass. What the fuck? Did I just feel my spinal cord?

I'm going to wipe my ass and beat yours. But that was always when you had to ride on the back of it. So when you were like, hugging that tank, it always felt fucking crazy. Yeah.

I didn't have an older brother, I just had a sister. So I missed out on all those older brother memories where you just beat each other's ass for no reason.

Yeah, dude, having a brother, I think it's pretty amazing because you get another layer of the world. Yeah, like that. But this dude's off to the side, like fucking.

Yeah, he's nerve. He's nerve.

Like a gay dude on a horseback or something. That's the gayest thing you can do, is if you ride both legs off.

To the side, it's kind of cool. You can just hop off whenever you want. This is my stop. And they just hop off. It's kind of cool, dude.

In Africa, I was in Kenya and they have these taxis, but you basically just get on where the taxis just have like. It's basically like a volkswagen van.

Yeah.

And they've taken slogans from american rap and they fucked them up and they have them written all over the windows. Like really bust these n words or something. Just shit doesn't make it. It's like, show that pussy bitch or whatever. And it's just written in these weird fonts and you just get on. You don't even know where it's going. It just keeps driving.

Anywhere is better than here.

That's it. And there'll literally be twelve people inside of it.

Really?

Yeah, and it'll just have like, we ready on the back? Just all kind of like. Just kind of urban slang.

Yeah. Have you ever been in Japan? The subways look intense. Or everybody's just packed up in that bitch, the Japanese.

It's so clean over there, I hear. Yeah.

I feel like if you sneeze, you get shot.

Yeah, they're so clean.

You ever been or.

No. Yeah, I've been, but I don't remember it that good. But I do remember it was like a home stay or something. I was doing this thing called semester at sea.

Okay.

And it was like a homestay. So you would go and just stay with the family. I was just talking about this the other day with Trevor Bauer and he was on here, but it was like the family let you stay with them? It was a japanese family. So you literally just showed up on their door at a certain time. And you just stayed there for a couple of nights and do they pick.

You or you pick them or. It's just, like, random.

There was some program that linked you up. Yeah. And so then I showed up, and we don't know what to say, so I'll just keep standing around doing that. And then we sat on the floor and ate. And then they let me sleep in their room. There's only, like, three little rooms, really. And I don't know, they might have slept, like, in the wall or something. And I slept on a thatched mat or something. There's no real bedding. It's just, like, a little.

Did you sleep okay?

Yeah, I think I was fine. And then, oh, one thing I remember, I would hug. I gave the mom a hug and a kiss on the cheek when I met her, just as, like, just where I'm from is pretty normal. So the next two days, she kept having her friends come over, and right when they come in the door, she'd go like this because she wanted me to hug them and kept, like, just pimping you out. Yeah, they just didn't.

She's charging money. Come kiss the american boy. You just have no idea.

So that was just kind of a vibe.

You, Loki worked in the red light district.

Yeah.

Think about it.

I might have.

Yeah.

That was the worst thing about the red light district, was that it was so cold. Once there was no emotion, you're like, oh, there's no emotion.

Small talk was interesting.

It's just fast. They want you to bust and get back out on the street.

I was nervous. I was probably about 60% chub because it's hard to be like, oh, yeah, there's no emotion. It's, like, weird. There's small talk. There's jizz still drying from the last guy.

It felt like a doctor's office that they want you to come real fast at.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, there's, like, a guy high fiving me on the way in.

I'm like, oh, gross. And then there's shirts. But mine had merch or something when you were leaving. Yeah, I should start doing that. Look up that red light district merch. Yeah, but see if they have any cardigans or whatever from the red light district. District. District.

You can't take photos while you're walking through because it's very private and a lot of people don't want it to get back to their families. But you think about something with, like, the Ray ban meta glasses. Have you seen those? They record, and they just look like normal glasses.

So you could just be in there. Nobody would know anywhere.

Wow, bro, you could be fucking at a matinee. Remember how mad movies used to get? They'd be like, hey, don't record this shit. Shut the fuck up. Now, that's the only thing companies want.

You to do, is record their shit.

Record it and then post it. It's like, oh, cool, we have a movie. Screenshot it and put it on TikTok.

Yeah.

So, dude, you could just wear that and walk around. But if you take a phone, they, like, yell. They start banging on the windows. Like, don't put the fucking phone away.

That's crazy. So this is recording stuff. These glasses, they're showing, they're really good. Have you tried the new thing that people are doing with the Apple vision?

Yeah, I tried them.

No way.

Yeah, I tried Apple vision pros. They're pretty cool. I borrowed them from a friend. I don't know the benefit of. It's just like rich people to get away from their families. I think Bert would love these. But you just put them on and then it's not full VR, it's augmented reality, I guess. So any screen, like, if you had YouTube screen, you could make it as big or as small as you want it, which I don't really know. The benefit is. Yeah, but you could scroll Twitter over here and watch. Oh, yeah, I made a video on it.

Oh, but it's all happening in front of you.

Yeah, but you can play shit around you, so go there. So that's what it looks like. The joke in this is I'm playing, like, subway surfer while she's talking to me.

And that's real. So you could be talking to someone in front of you and be playing. Have a window open somehow, virtually between you guys that you see through the.

You could be on a date with a girl and realistically be watching a Theovon podcast.

Wow.

The benefit of it is, if you just want to, I don't really know, sit on your couch and not have a tv. Like, the joke in this, at the very end of the video I do, is the guy lives in a studio apartment by himself, and he's so lonely, and he's like, I have everything I ever wanted. A tv, a kitchen, a hot wife, and he's just by himself. So I think it's great if you're lonely, but I don't know the full appeal of it quite yet.

Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, this looks like I'd rather just use my computer.

You also look insane. You look like you should be in the Salem witch trials. I can't believe that was real. You accuse somebody of being a witch, and they're like, to the.

A. Yeah. Can you imagine that? Like, if you were a witch, the Salem witch trials. Bring these. What happened to these bitches? Well, we got to know, man. The Salem witch trials occurred in colonial Massachusetts. Well, shout out Amherst. Bra is just there.

This is what happened.

Yeah, probably by UMass between early 1692 and mid 1693. So, bro, this was a short. This was a year and a half. More than 200 people were accused of practicing witchcraft.

Probably all Geminis, too. Only 20 were executed. So 10% out of the 200. I wonder what made them think that they really were.

That's a great question. Yeah. Can you see what determined if a witch was killed during the Salem witch trials?

And witches are fake. Right. So those 20 got. Got and they weren't witches. Right.

Well, I think there was also some people at that time that was witching. Oh, I would guess because somebody's going to fucking witch. If you're chilling that much, there's nothing to do.

Yeah, that is true. It's a good side hustle.

Most accusers were teenage girls, mostly populated by Puritan. Salem village was. It was virtually impossible to disprove charges of witchcraft in Salem. And defendants were convicted with no evidence other than personal accusations.

Wow.

The presence of a devil's mark on their bodies.

And that's where the jury duty came from.

The presence of a devil's mark on their. So that's. If you had, like, a birthmark. Damn.

I would have been. God, I got a birthmark right here.

Drew Brees would have been.

What were some of the tests?

This is so unfair. Which. Swimming was a practice of tying up and dunking the accused into a body of water to determine whether they sink or float. Sinking to the bottom indicated the accused was innocent, while floating indicated a guilty verdict.

Aren't you? If you're a little larger, you float more.

Yeah. So a thin lady wasn't a witch. Right.

Anybody who might have been plus side.

Was, but floating indicated guilt.

Sam. Witch.

Dude, that's crazy, though. So you just. Man, that would be the worst because it's basically being the dunk tank or whatever.

Yeah. How would you make yourself sink if you were a witch? Would you hold your breath? I would swim down to the bottom, too.

I'm sure you're, like, back there about to go out, and they're like, hey, do you have any tips or whatever?

Nervous? Yeah.

People are like, yeah. I'm nervous, dude.

Swimming at the bottom. Yeah. How long do you have to be at the bottom before you indicated that you're innocent?

And then even if you're innocent, you come back up. During the Salem witch trials in 1692 and 60, 93, there were several tests used to determine if someone was a witch. The touch test. The afflicted person, someone who claimed to be under the influence of witchcraft, would convulse or exhibit symptoms in the presence of the accused. If the afflicted person stopped convulsing upon touching the accused, it was believed to be the evidence of witchcraft. Wow, dude.

The saddest one is number six. Just confession. Fucking, I'm a witch. That's just somebody who's just like, I'm done with this planet.

Wow. Confession. Many accused individuals were coerced or tortured into confessing to witchcraft.

That's kind of sad.

Physical examination for witches marks number five, the accused would be searched for supposed physical marks believed to be signs of witchcraft, such as moles, birthmarks, or scars. Dude, what if you just have a mole on your back and they're like, this is a freaking chocolate chip of hell.

That's witchcraft. That's the devil trying to communicate with us. You're a mole. Yeah, that's crazy.

Damn, that would be to be so tough because you always have to decide. I bet for that year and a half, people are acting like they're not witch. Not a witch.

Yeah, you can't even sneeze. You can't blow out candles. Like, imagine it's your birthday and blow out these candles. Can't do that. You see a broom, you have to be like, oh, what is that?

Yeah, why don't I beat my husband in the head with it? Why don't I beat my astro Mac?

Wait, people use these to fly? What the fuck?

He was like, don't do drugs. And his wife would just be fucking head. And people were like, God, those bleeding.

Those school assemblies, it's just onset, like wwe. Like, it just makes you want to wrestle or do drugs.

It was such a crazy time to see everybody too, because nothing. The first one we ever had, I remember in junior, in middle school, kids were peeing on the heaters in the bathroom and it was old school heaters, and it would steam up the bathroom like a sauna. Yes. You couldn't even walk it. Like, you couldn't piss vape. Piss vape, dude. So people were just making it. Just making it fucking steam up in there.

That's horrendous.

And then you'd see some dude in there with his shirt off. You're like, what the fuck?

I think.

Is that an equinox, this trank addict doing? But that was kind of crazy. But then as you got into junior high or high school, too, the assemblies were just because you got to sit with your boys and meet. See your boys outside of class and shit.

It was fun.

It was so fun.

Did you guys have talent shows and stuff like that? I don't think we did.

Oh, we had talent shows, dude.

Do you ever sign up?

I got to host at one time with my friend Rebecca. Yeah, that's pretty cool. And, yeah, this girl played piano in it one time, and I'd never heard a girl play piano before. And she sang, bro, she's a fucking witch. Fucking cooked her. The next day. I was like, that bitch is going to sing.

That sounds like a ringtone. Fry her ass. Damn.

Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know if we ever had. That was the only assembly we had, was that. I don't think we had other ones.

Pep rallies were pretty.

Pep rallies. What was that? Just to get fired up on the school? Yeah, it's like 4 July for your school.

We're going to win, and we never won, dude. People would be like, are we going to win? That was even, like, the most hopeful sign that somebody would make.

Are we going to win the prep rally? You're not going to win. Your school is already filled with losers. We need to cheer ourselves up.

Yeah, we might not win some of the signs.

Yeah, buff school's never had those rallies.

Oh, bro, our school was. We could not win.

Shit, dude, we guys go to any sports? Our school is really good at tennis and swimming. White people.

Oh, really? That's hella white. We had ROTC, like the wooden gun gang or whatever.

Great.

Those dudes that would like. Yeah, the guy would flash his wooden gun during school or be like, what the fuck are you doing?

He'd be like, you gonna finish that blueberry muffin? You're like, yeah. And he's like, what about now?

He has two splendors on his hand, dude.

Then the kids from Woodshop come up and back you up. Leave Malone. Leave Malone. Corbin, put the cookies down.

Those kids are crazy. That was kind of fun.

If you took Woodshop in high school, you were a just. You either made a birdhouse or you made a bong. That was it. Yeah, I made a fucking pipe or something.

Yeah. Somebody's always trying to make their sister, like, a little table or something. Or there's always something real sad going on in there.

Carving like a sparrow.

A box for. Yeah, there's woodshop bombs right there.

Yeah, dude, Woodshop is just like a stoner's dream. You just do nothing all day except labor work, and you fucking love this class.

And the crazy part was the saws were always going to. Nobody could hear anybody.

The teacher's giving instructions, but nobody can hear. What a waste of a class. But in the best way. Dude, I don't know if I talked about this before, but I had to have. We had this science teacher in 11th grade, and I think he got fired because he stared at these girls tits. He would sit this girl in the front row. I think I talked about this maybe on here before, but he'd sit this girl in the front row, and we would count because it was a hot chick. And then me and my friend next to her, we count every time. You'd look at her tits. Crazy, dude. Like blatant.

Oh, yeah. And you got a support guy. Whose team were you on?

I was there for a good game.

Yeah, it's like two teams in the.

Super bowl you don't care about, but it's a good team for some matchup because she would lean into it. She'd like fucking him. Yeah. He probably is not doing well now.

Yeah. There was always those chicks that started to know they had power over the teacher, too. And they would just wear show more tits.

Test day coming up.

Yeah, dude, we had a guy who came in the class. This is the first dude I ever heard talk about Kombucha, right? This is 20 years ago. This dude came in and started yelling. He had a huge thing of like a big, huge glass jar he made of kombucha and water, whatever. And he's telling everybody. He's like, this is the secret of the future, right? This will change your life. And then he would go into the little closet that was attached to the classroom and come out, like 30 minutes later. And people were like, what the fuck?

Was he just making boots back there?

We have no idea what he was doing, but it was so bizarre. And then he came because our main teacher got busted dating a girl at school. They put a wire on her and they were going to run off together. And the cops caught him somewhere, like on the highway. Damn. And we all kind of felt. We felt. I mean, obviously it was messed up, but everybody just was like, man, it was sad because everybody loved him, too. He's an awesome teacher. He didn't seem like a bad guy. I think some dudes that teach never. Their brain never leaves high school, too.

No. I mean, they're just surrounded by high schoolers, and eventually they're just like, these are my. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. It's when these guys get busted for it, it's sad as fuck.

Yeah. The whole thing's just sad.

Yeah.

Did you see those trump sneakers that came?

Yeah. Yeah. The funniest comment was like, those are the January sixes. Chevy fucking crying. Can we see a photo of them? They look like Hulk Hogan. Or like.

Oh, they do. Kind of. I didn't even think about that.

Or fuck, what's his name? Rick flair. They just look like they make you want to go.

Yeah, they kind of a hacksaw Jim Duggan Vibe, too. They kind of have that 80s, like. I wonder if a lot of black dudes sport these as well. These might be pretty tough, man.

Yeah, dude, you could probably flip those pretty good on.

Can we get a better look at them, Nick?

They should have, like, a song that plays and you walk in. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I wanna be.

Could have. What would he have? Each step?

Yeah. Each step is another note.

Yeah, you got to complete the song. That shit should have healys in it, but it has, like, a little mud flap behind it.

Bro. Those are actually kind of fucking tough, bro. Do you think we can get a pair of those, Nick?

Yes. For everybody. Can I have one?

How about this? Let's start with a pair. And then we'll let everybody choose if they want that, if they do want those, or if we all want them. I don't know.

Those are going to be in a museum one day. And in, like, 100 years, they're going to be like, what the fuck is going on in 2024?

The air trumps, dude. But that's just where we are.

It's.

What if they had people from the past? What if you had the Frederick Douglass high tops?

Yeah, dude. Man, those would be kind of hard. Abe Lincoln threes, dog.

Yeah. That fucking Harriet Tubman crocs. Donald Trump booed while promoting $399 sneakers one day after court orders in the pay, 355,000,000.

Oh, he got booed.

Yeah. What do they know if he did? You never know. That's the thing about the news now. You don't know what happened.

Yeah, but are they booing the shoe or the fact that the court ordered him so much money?

Yeah, it's a good question. They don't tell you the shoe he's pulling. Well, it says.

But you can picture the guy who's going to wear those. He's got like an affliction t shirt. He's got the faux hawk, you think? Yeah, I think so. He's got a couple of lines shaved on the side of his head.

I could see those doing well for some reason. Because there's just something in the. Because a lot of the culture supports Trump. A lot of black folks support Trump.

It really came around. It's like a lot of black dudes. That's my guy.

Yeah. So it's kind of interesting. I wonder, you show one rapper sporting those, dude, and it's a fucking touchdown. Now, he sold a lot of weird shit on his. Oh, here it is right here.

There's a lot of emotion. Oh, he's at sneaker con. Dude. Getting booed and saying thank you is a power move. I will say.

Trump just does whatever he's supposed to. Huh. He doesn't even know. Oh, there he is.

This is not sneaker con.

Let's see.

Well, I don't think that's his audience. He's got to go to like a TGI Fridays.

But is that what happened or is that AI, you just don't know. That's a thing now.

Can you go to the website, what it looks like? It's like gettrumpseakers.com.

Yeah, that's what I want to see. Because they also sell that 47 cologne, 45 cologne. Trump has his own cologne, bro.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, dude, think about how much merch hello Kitty has. We might as well fucking double down. Like hello Kitty is making bags just existing.

Yeah. Which is crazy that there's an asian cat that's actually fucking not being compromised in his fucking home country. Okay.

Yeah, I think it was a website. I think it was get Trump shoes or something like that.

Yeah. What did that say? Get Trump sneakers or something?

Yeah, I believe so.

Yeah.

I mean, if I'm him, yeah, I'm selling everything. Get as much money as you can. But I mean, he's already so goddamn rich.

I don't know, but he just took 355,000,000 from him.

Oh.

Maybe that's why there's a lot of these courts now. They're trying to break his bank. Now. That's another thing they're doing. I'm not saying he's not guilty of some of this stuff, but they're really hashing out. Wow.

Oh, they only had 1000 pairs. Each are numbered.

Wow. I just got the pre order for the Tesla, the Cybertruck. Yeah.

Really? Have you seen one in person yet?

There's two options. They said there's a regular option that comes out in May, or there's a cyber beast that comes out probably in December.

What'd you do?

I don't know. You kind of want it soon? Yeah. I've been holding out for, like, a year and a half to wait to get myself a new vehicle.

Yeah.

So part of me is, like, maybe I should just get it. But the cyber beast has.

Holy shit.

The cyber beast has, like, the bar across the top with, like, the light bar and stuff. The cyber truck doesn't have that.

Okay. Aren't they bulletproof?

Yeah. And that's one thing that I'm excited about. Dude, shit gets fucked. It's weird in the world. Yeah, it's weird in the world these days. What else you got going on, man? Are you thinking about doing new stuff? Where's your production brain at? Because you're always kind of thinking of what's new or what's. What. Do you see kind of happening in technology or in performance or what's keeping you excited?

God, keep me excited, man.

If you don't have an answer, that's fine. Did you say something, Nick? Nope. Okay, sorry.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I'm just building up material again, which is kind of fun. It's, like, terrifying. Just because lately I've been doing all new shit, and then I'll end with, like, an old joke from the special and the barometer, what the old shit from the special gets versus some of the new stuff, it's tough. But when that new stuff really starts hitting, it's fucking exciting. So I'm in the middle of that, just doing shows and shit, really.

Have you been down in the mothership?

I have. I did kill Tony out there.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

That was fun.

The success of kill Tony. Can we look at that for a second?

It's crazy.

He sold out Madison Square Garden, I think, twice. Unbelievable.

Yeah. From the belly room to that, I mean, it's fucking awesome. I usually watch it pretty much every Monday. It's a very well structured show.

And, dude, one thing I'll say, the best sets that I've had on stage in a club this year were at the mothership, I think, because there's no phones, so you know you're safe. So your brain knows you're safe. And I think your brain is more liable to do its best work if it knows that it's not going to be compromised or it can get something wrong.

And acoustically, it sounds good, too.

Yeah, it's great down there. It's fun. Comfortable, but yeah, kill Tony is unbelievable, dude. The other night I'm watching, there's 81,000 people watching at the same time.

Oh, live.

81,000. Do you know how hard it is to get 81,000 people to do instagram live?

I pull a dick out, and I'm maybe at 3000, maybe.

Yeah.

That's crazy. Well, it's the biggest live podcast. It's fucking awesome. It's huge.

Kudos to him.

It's launching careers.

Kudos to red band. Yeah, it's unbelievable. It's the gong show.

Yeah.

It'S America's got people.

But that's also what it is. It's like the laugh fact. Your open mic got really weird for a while when I was doing it earlier on in 2015. It's like, because people are flying from Florida to be like, this is my one chance at making it in Hollywood. So now I think kill Tony's at where? Yeah, it's a lot of Austin comics, but it's also people who are flying in from fucking Chugwater, Wyoming, to be like, today's my day. And it might be some people get up there and they're in front of a million people, 81,000 live, and they have no material. They're up there just like, I just want to say, hi, Tony. But it's like, yeah, like you said, it's like, america's got talent. You want to see people bomb. You want to see people do good.

And the hilarity of it, too, is they give him 1 minute, right? Which is.

You can't.

It's impossible. It's so hard. And then they get to rip the guy of fucking eleven new assholes for 20 minutes.

Professional comedian versus a guy who was told he was funny at a gender reveal six months ago. I mean, this structure is, like, so in favor of Tony, and Tony's so good at it. Tony is so fucking funny and quick with it. But, yeah, to do a, like, I was talking about doing five minutes at the arena show, a minute in front of all to get a premise out where people right off the bat, like you, you've been a judge on it, right? How quiet the crowd gets when that person grabs a mic to start their minute. I mean, it is dead silent. I was right next to this guy. He was bombing. I could feel the pulse in his dick just shriveling up. This guy went up and immediately insulted the crowd. And I just had, like, the second hand embarrassment. You could feel everybody turn so quick on it, dude.

The ods, you being successful, and then they literally rip. They have no chill for anybody to go to.

The guy, I forget what he was wearing, but he had a button up t shirt. Maybe you can scroll around.

Keep going.

But he walks out and immediately insults the audience. And the thing with the show is like, this show is so big and their fans are so loyal that these people love Tony. They love the show. So you insult it. No, not that guy. He was actually really sweet. Looked like Johnny Sims. It might have been earlier. I wish I had the fucking apple provisions. Keep going.

Wow. How would that help you right now?

Because I could scroll at my face and fucking do a little thing and find it. Keep going. This guy opens and he literally insults the crowd and then just proceeds to eat shit for a minute. It's coming up. It might be after this guy. It might be after David.

Yeah, I mean, it's launching careers. Like people are getting people, you know.

Cam Patterson.

I want to go spend time this guy.

Go to the beginning of a set. I love Cam. Cam's really funny. Good dude. Go to the beginning, dude. I mean, you can feel how tense it is up there. Yeah, that should be perhaps Montella.

What's going on, y'all? Thank you. You ugly people. Thank you for coming out. I appreciate that. I know what you're thinking. Why is my GTA drug dealer?

But. Yeah, 300 people. Just because then you're just setting yourself up for gist.

You ugly people. I wonder what inside of him made him think that. That was good. Nervous.

Yeah. And it is a row show, so you're kind of like off the.

Yeah, there's a blind dude there. It's a painted that one guy black. That guy didn't black.

They edit that in studying. Brian Simpson.

Yeah. And then here's the crazy part. They have the Jim Norton right there. Brian Simpson is basically the black red band. You don't know what's going on here, dude. It's so good.

I saw an episode recently, this guy went up there and opened with like, oh, it's great to be on, like, america's got Talent, like trailer park edition. And then ate shit for a minute. And the second his minute was up, tony was, huh, America's the trash version. And then you just bought, like, I think that everybody is there for Tony in the show. So when you talk shit about the show and you haven't earned it, they turn on you so quickly.

You got to respect it, man.

But like, being next that you could just feel how tense it was. I mean, to do a mean. It's a fucking God awful format for a new stand up, but if you do well, it launches your career.

Well. It's just amazing what they're doing. It's amazing that they're doing that with a table, a couple of cameras, and a comedy stage. A table. They're fucking set up. It's a podcast. Yeah.

They use that for a potluck the other day. Yeah. They're probably going to try and get bought out, but how the show is right now is perfect. You really don't need to change anything, honestly.

Yeah. I mean, if you could travel with that show for the next couple of years and do it on the road, dude, it's huge.

I can recognize for being on that show more than just not more, but just like, random. Oh, I saw you on Kiltonia. It's like, yeah.

It's the number one thing that I hear people say a lot. Just like, oh, that kind of just surprised me. Like, oh, yeah, we just flew to Austin for Killtoni.

Yeah. Well, it's also a big, there's a big community in it where it's almost exciting, where the Reddit will kind of go crazy. Oh, I heard Theo's the guest on this week's episode because since they bank shoot, they don't really know, but it's like, oh, Theo was in Austin.

People start doing the, start putting things up. Yeah.

It's kind of like a fun because it brings all corners of the comedy world in it, and there's those characters. It's like a reality show, honestly.

Yeah. You want to see them? Want to see what's going on with their life. Yeah, man. And they have crazy moments. That Ric flair moment where he just said, I'm going to bed, or whatever. He didn't understand the concept of it.

Yeah. Was he hammered? He's just like, hey, stop roasting these people.

I will never say anything bad about a veteran.

That's like Tony's icon right there, too. He loves Ric flair.

I was like, I'm not a veteran. It was like, I'll go into one. There was one the other day with Mark Norman. That was so funny, dude.

It's all great moments on there.

Yeah. That's Ric flair leaving. Yeah.

What else?

Do you think about doing a film or do you start to piece any stuff? I know you were talking about doing a tv show at one point.

Yeah, I've pitched some stuff. I'm kind of working with a few people on something, but I think my main focus is anything that I can make, I don't want to be. There's too many, I guess, roadblocks going to some of these. So I'll show interest. If somebody wants to work with me, I'll be like, hey, I'm down, but you got to come to me. This is what I'm working on. So you got to equal that or meet me halfway, I think. Yeah, so I'm doing a lot of that, but really just trying to elevate what I'm already doing. Just shoot more sketches, put out more shit, try different formats. YouTube's in a weird place where it's like, what they want is very different. It's very like sketch comedy. I wouldn't say it's dead, but it's not in the know. People want to be talked. Like, do you want to do stuff to a camera? If I was doing a sketch, instead of being like, me and you in the sketch, I would just do, like, pov. And then the camera is you just like, talking to me because people just want to be talked to.

So I don't really know what the fuck is going on the Internet. I think I do, and then I post something and then a week later it's not really that, so I don't really know.

Yeah, it's tough to know. It's tough to know. And it's up to know if was just like a lull in the vibe that week of humanity or people are studying for exams or people are taking away on vacation or something. It's hard to know what's up.

Power outage in Little Rock. You never really know.

Sometimes I think about going down to Austin, though, for a. Yeah, yeah. Just because there's an energy down there that's exciting.

It is.

Know one of my openers, Chance Willie, is moving down there from. Yeah. And there's just an energy there. It's like, yeah, it's fun. You go up in the room, Ron white sitting in there. Shane Gillis is there. Know Tim Dylan pops in and out.

Would you ever get just like a small little condo over there?

That's what I think I'd probably do. Just get a house or a small house or just something real, something nothing fancy or anything. Just a place where I could go and be there and maybe try it for a month or know.

Yeah. Where are you going up now or just doing your shows?

I'm in Nashville now, but I'm going to Australia tonight.

Tonight?

Yeah.

Holy shit. That flight is crazy.

Yeah, it's going to be long. Yeah.

Do you take anything on flights or. No, you just sit there with your thoughts and think about life yeah, I'll.

Just take Nyquil, probably. Yeah, because I had a little bit of a fever yesterday, but that Mormon.

Perk, 30 right there.

Yeah.

Dude, how long are you in Australia for?

Shout out to all the black Mormons, too, dude. Hey, show up if you're a black Mormon, man. Send in a video. We want to connect with you guys.

You bring them in.

Fellowship with you guys.

Bring them in. How long? Australia for?

Three weeks.

Yeah, it's long.

So we did just. Yeah, we wanted to take some days off, and I just want to be able to have a little bit more of an actual time over.

Dude, there's no guns out there. It's crazy.

Wow.

There's, like, none. I saw a cop arresting you guys, like, get down your fingers.

Really?

And the guy just went like this to him. He just folded him in. He's like, dude, now it's pointed at me. They started making out. It's fucking awesome, dude. Yeah, if you go to Brisbane, you can just point a finger gun at a cop. Yeah, don't do that. But, yeah, they don't have guns out there. Apparently, in the. There's one massacre shooting, and then they all were like, hey, bring your gun here. We're getting rid of them for $500. You give us your gun, we'll give you $500.

They did it.

Everybody just did it.

They should roll up in the. In american do that shit. Especially in the fucking hood, man.

Yeah, but somebody would get shot at that event.

Turn those choppers over, dude. A couple of young bangers shot up the fucking chiefs parade.

Do you see that? I didn't see that, dude.

Can you imagine? Your team wins a Super bowl and somebody's rolling like a niner shooting. Just heartbreaking, man.

Dude, I mean, fucking. The more and more there is, that cybertruck is sounding a little more like.

That's what I'm saying.

That's funny, because everything follows suit. Like, when push to start, cars started, it was, like, rare, and it was luxury. Now, like, a Kia Sorrento's got them. So in the future, Nissan Altimas are going to be bulletproof, which, let's be honest, they should have been bulletproof already. Okay. Nissan Altimas are like the hood car. When did that happen?

Well, it used to be the Honda Civic, man, when I was coming up.

Really?

Yeah. There was a lot of kind of thicker white chicks would date a brother, and she would have the Honda Civic, and he would drop her off at work in her car. Yeah. And then now everything's changed, and now it's the. What did you say?

Nissan Altimas? Yeah, dude, you see one of those pull up, fully tinted. Dude, they tint the front window, too. That's how you know somebody has a gun in there.

I saw the headlights. Tinted. You can see the fucking headlights.

Exactly. Yeah, it's definitely like, oh, shit. We should go inside. Car.

Yeah, I don't know what it is.

But the rest of the Nissans are like family cars. Like, you just get a tundra. That's a chill car. You put Altman on it, you're like, someone's getting shot.

Those are nice, dude. There's a lot of nice cars now. A lot of cars look cool. Like, almost every car does.

Even the new Prius. You're like, oh, okay. Yeah, I'll get a handy one of those.

Did you see Zuckerberg at the UFC fight?

Oh, yeah. Wasn't he, like, just hanging out with the boys? I kept, like, passing t shirts over him.

Just so bizarre. Like, so he's helping somebody get into the ring, right, Nick?

Yeah, he walked out with Volk.

He walked out with Volkanovsky.

Dude, this is me when my phone dies and I'm at a restaurant with my friends. Oh, man, that's tough, dude. He's, like, bobbing his head, like he's listening to, like, bob marley one love.

Yeah. It's almost like he's just so in his head, like, okay, this is how you seem. Normal.

He doesn't know how to be normal. He's worth, like, $150,000,000,000, but he can't.

Pay to be normal. He doesn't know how you think, hey, spin a bill on normal enough.

Yeah, bro. Hire a city to come over once a week and be like, hey, this is fucking St. Louis. This is how you're going to be for a week?

Drinking water? Yeah. That's so bizarre.

He doesn't know how to just.

Computer, man. We're just talking about this earlier today. That's where we are. He's a computer. Yeah.

He's like, how do I drink water appropriately?

What do I do now?

I mean, when he's at home, you got to imagine he's not chewing his food for him.

You know, he sleeps in a coffin.

Oh, yeah. It's got, like, thera guns in it and shit. But I think somebody chews up his food and gives it to him. When you're that rich, I don't think you do anything.

Oh, I would hire a strong mexican guy to cuddle my wife.

I would have him butter my bread.

Have you seen the guy, but I have, rich. Have I seen the guy?

That's what he's trying to be, like, the youngest guy in the world. He takes his son's blood and infuses it.

Johnson is his name, right?

You got to get him on the show. He's a fucking character.

Really?

Not in a good way.

And he's eating his son's blood.

Yeah, it's really weird, but he's, like, doing these things. He, like, measures his erections at night. He's like, I want to have the erection of a 21 year old. It's like. It's a little fucking weird, dude. You want to get hard every time you see spike tv pop up on screen? Fuck, yeah. Fucking weird. It's really weird. And he looks not amazing for how much he's doing.

Brian Johnson, the tech founder spending millions to be 18 again, says his goal is to make death optional. Yeah, they say only two things in life for a certain death and taxes. Billionaire biohacker Brian Johnson doesn't subscribe to that opinion. The tech entrepreneur has gained notoriety for $2 million a year antiaging routine he's named the blueprint protocol. For Johnson, this entails eating his last meal at 11:00 a.m. Sleeping alone, taking more than 100 supplements a day. He also subjects himself to a vast array of tests and experiments. Blood plasma transfusions, microneedling, full body led exposure, and MRI scans, to name a few. Wow.

So he goes through all that and then type in his name and his age, and then guess how old he is. Or type in a photo of him, and then guess how old he is.

Don't tell me how old he is. Let's get a photo of him up. Nick, please.

So this guy is spending his. He's a tech millionaire, maybe billionaire. He's loaded.

Temple grandin, though. I love temple grandin. And she was one of the first trans cattle ranchers.

Really? Oh, I can see it.

Yeah, dude, this guy. This guy.

Maybe he spends so much money.

Even in the red shirt. No, get that red one. No, up top.

There it is.

Yeah. So this guy's paying billions of dollars. Look like temple grand in dude. Yes.

So how old do you think he is? And he's spending millions of dollars. He sleeps alone. His last meal is at 11:00 a.m. He has 100 pills a day. And he takes his son's blood, which is so weird. Hey, son, you mind putting down Fortnite real quick? Daddy needs some sucky suck. This guy at Salem witch trials would be drowned for even blinking. Tim, how the fuck is behind those eyes?

Brian Johnson. I would say he is. I would say he's 42 years old.

He's 46. Okay, but, like, I feel like you see people around Hollywood that look like that. I mean, it's all from plastic surgery and they're all going to fucking.

Yeah, he looks just like one of those people that does too much to their face and it makes him look, like, strange.

Yeah.

Like, at a certain point, you just start to look strange. What's that shirt with that picture with him with no shirt on? That's interesting. There's Madonna right there.

And, I mean, it's all, like, without plastic surgeon. And listen, he'll live longer than I will. He'll be cremated and turn into a fucking dumbbell or something.

But, I mean, we got to get temple Grandin on.

Just like. It's just an interesting. I don't know.

Yeah, he looks like a bad guy in one of those Hannibal Lecter movies.

He looks like the first bad guy who's, like, lactose intolerant. Like one carton of milk and this guy is out for a week. This guy's on the shitter, dude. I went to his chick's house.

You did? Yeah. A girl you're dating or friend.

Two different stores. Oh, then I have a question for you. I went to this girl's house, and she had a squatty potty. I'll never be able to look at her again. The same.

And what is that?

It's where you put your feet up like this.

Oh, on that thing?

Yeah.

Bam.

So you shit harder.

Wow. And are you shitting for, like, impact or something? Shitting for speed or whatever? What's the purpose of it?

I don't know, but I just can't. Yeah, so it's just, like, funny to walk into somebody's bathroom to use it and just picture them just being. Blowing it up. I don't know, man.

Yeah, because that really. I guess when you do that, it puts.

It's more like a japanese technique, I think. We have your feet up high. That's why they kind of shit in holes, from what I've heard.

I remember in Africa, we went on a safari, and you would go in, you would think it was a bathroom. You would open the door and it was just a hole. And you would just literally just poop into a hole.

Did it help?

Squatty potty. Here you go. It evens out that it unkinks the rectum. Unkinks the rectum. Evens out.

Say that again. Slower, dog.

What yeah.

I have a question for you. A girl I'm seeing now. I guess you went on a date with her one time.

Dude, I guess it's beef.

Say that it's beef, dude. No, that means it's cool. That means I'm equally as hot as Theo, bro. But it was, like, years ago.

Okay. Did you say I was a nice guy?

Yeah, she said you were, like, shy.

Okay, that checks out.

But, yeah, I think it was just like you guys said you would ask, like, really random questions. Oh, God. What's your favorite time of day to get a Big Mac?

Well, it's before 11:00 a.m. If you're Brian Johnson, I'll tell you that.

You've been dating or what?

Yeah. What's going on, man? I'd gone on a few dates, but there was a gal I was dating in Nashville some. And then that ended up not working, and I've just been too busy. There was a gal in La been kind of talking to in that I just can't keep it up. Right. Know the relationship.

Yeah. Your tour schedule is crazy.

Yeah. And I'm liking working. These are, like, the couple of years I might be able to do some fun stuff.

Yeah, definitely.

And. I don't know. I like working. I want to think about, like, we're trying to do some philanthropy stuff this year, so you only have so much time, so I don't know.

Yeah, no, I don't think you're doing anything.

You get your loving on the run a little bit here and there, but that gets scary because a chick will send you a DM, and then they screen grab your shit and stuff, but I never say nothing. Like, let me see that frosty or whatever.

Sorry. Dairy Queen hacked my phone.

Yeah.

That's why I never. I have friends who sex like crazy. I will never. It's just too weird. Also, if a girl's, like, sexting you, and then you look at it the next morning, you're like, who the. Yeah, I need to find God 100%. You typed out, let me see that puss. Period. Put me in jail, brother. It's just so weird that. Or if you jerk off right after, it's like you look at your text and you're like, how do I get a new phone plan? How do I switch to singular after that shit? You ever nut so hard you go back to boost mobile, dude, it's fucking disgusting. After that, you nut. And they're still sending you, like, sexy messages?

That's the craziest. Yet. Your phone should shut down. Your phone should shut down after you nut.

You know how you try to lock your phone? Or if you try to unlock a phone too many times, it locks it out. The second you nut. It should be like you are locked out until broad daylight. You have to hold your phone in the sun for five minutes to unlock it. Can you imagine how many just dudes at college would just be outside like this? I mean, it's hilarious. It's hilarious to both be sexing back and forth. And then you just finish and you're like, oh, yeah, I think I like dudes.

Yeah. And she's still like, yeah, now what are you thinking?

You're, like, thinking about mcGriddles.

I'm disgusting.

I think I like dudes. Yeah, it's bizarre. That's why after porn, I immediately have.

To exit out anybody who gets off during porn. Anybody who comes and then continues to watch another video or two.

No, that's crazy. That's crazy. That's like staying for a matinee in another movie, dude. I exit out of the website mid ejac. The second it's leaving my body, I'm like. And then I find that x button.

I'm like, get this Salem witch away, dude.

I want everything to finish at the same time. Semen out of my body. Open up. Go to googleimages.com.

Yeah, it's just a. Hello, fresh advertiser. Still open, dude. Yeah, that's something that.

Dude, I accidentally hectic, though. Sometimes I like to look at videos on Reddit and they place ads in there sometimes. And, like, if you're scrolling through porn videos, I accidentally came to an NBA jams ad. I was like, dude, that's actually so cool. Like, if one of my boys saw me, like, dude, he's just fucking down. He's on fire. Get tested. Yeah, dude, if anybody saw me right now, they're like, this guy fucking loves basketball, loves Brian Scalabrini.

I have this crazy fear that the computer, if you're jerking off or watching pornography, that they're recording back. So I'll put it at an angle so that I can see the screen, but the Camera can't see you're watching.

It like somebody else's tv on a flight. Dude, that's so funny. Do you tape this screen?

I should do that. Yeah, it would be way better, but I just.

Well, you should put a photo of you holding a sign that says not jerking off in front of the camera, but then behind it, you're jerking.

Jerking off. Yeah.

And then you rip it down my.

Budy Patrick, when we were kids, he would, like, hide behind a map, like, an actual, physical paper map in his car with his parents if they were going somewhere. And he would jerk off behind the map.

That's smart. And they're like, tell me when to get off the interstate. He's like, coming, coming up. Dude, that's so funny. Dads used to be so good at multitasking. They have a full map, a family of five valuable lives in the car, and he's just being like, how do we get to the Grand Canyon doing 100 in a Volvo station wagon? Meanwhile, two of the kids are sitting in the trunk. They're not even in seats. He's doing 100 multitasking. Dude, dads are crazy, bro.

Being a dad has to be. I'm amazed that people do it as much as they just turn into, like.

A human swiss army knife.

And they just. Yeah, I don't know if we're ready for that, man. You think you're ready yet?

No, but I do want kids eventually, but I think about how loud they are, and you're like, oh, man.

Yeah, I think you have to get out in nature. You need to get a kid that's quiet if you're out of nature and stuff. Kids are quiet if you stay out. Live out there once you get in, like, a bit like, I don't want some fucking kid all souped up on nerd ropes and shit, tylenol on his forearm. Yeah.

I mean, that's crazy. I just wish that you could, like. I don't know. I wish you could just wear just, like, headphones around them. But then people just think you're, like.

A deadbeat dad or whatever. Dead ear dad? Yeah. I don't know. I would like to have him. I got to get that special someone. But when you watch love on the spectrum, you're like, oh, that's just like the dates that regular people have.

Really.

It's really the same. It's, like, awkward. People don't know what to say.

Their kisses are always pretty graphic. They'd be kissing hard.

Oh, yeah. Some of them really kiss, but they're good kisses. Some of them kiss like it's like you're trying to win something.

Or, like, the shotgun and that smoke in there. Do you ever do that with a girl? Smoke hookah? That was smoke in her mouth, bro.

That was the way you knew if a chick was anywhere in her, it was like, oh, yeah, shotgun.

Shotgun it.

And she'd be like, nah.

Yeah, do it. The hookah. Smoke, and you don't know how close to get. Start making out with fucking. Just smoke in your mouth or boofing.

Dude, my buddy got boofed out by some chick at a party in Chicago.

What a great place to get boofed.

Some lady was blowing coke up his butt.

Have you ever done that?

No, dude, I wouldn't waste the coke by just blowing into my ass like a weirdo.

Isn't that. Doesn't it jack you up more?

Who cares? The fun part, I think, is doing it up your fucking face like a real. Oh.

Because then people get to see it.

And you just like, it's know.

Nobody's like, yeah, but you were into liked it. Boofing. Seemed like it could have been up there with, like, it could have been.

An option, but also getting a straw or something in your butt. Like, people will use, like, a McDonald's straw. I'm like, it's hard enough to get.

A friend to help you move. You mind grabbing this? Pixie sipping, blowing it up my asshole.

Oh, man, I'm busy. You can borrow my truck, though.

All right, man. Yeah, I'll be background four. But let me know about that whole straw thing. I've just heard it's really beneficial on a Buzfeed article.

Dude, I got to come to your pod, man.

Please, I'd love to stiff socks. It'd be awesome, man. Yeah, I got to get on there for snippets, like, little ten minute chunks.

I know. We got to come in. We got to have that chairing situation set up in there, too.

Yeah, dude, whenever you're ready. I mean, your tour schedule is crazy, but whenever you're in town for more than minutes, let me know.

Yeah, I'm going to come do it. Love to get you on, dude. Yeah. Thanks for coming in, dude. We got to go hit a UFC fight or something together sometime. Have you ever been?

Dude, please, I would love to. No, I just got invited to slap boxing. That shit looks fun, too.

Really? You went?

No, I got invited to go, but I couldn't make it. You went?

Yeah. Have you ever been on Nelk podcast?

No, I just saw those guys in Vegas, though. I'm cool with all those guys.

Yeah?

Did you do it?

Yeah, I did. It's fun.

Yeah, it's cool.

They just got a unique audience. They got. They're fun. They're fun groups.

Yeah. Love on the spectrum audience.

Yeah, they're always doing fun shit. Love on the spectrum. A bunch of this chismed out, happy.

Dad, those guys are buddies. They're cool.

Yeah, they're good, man. My budy John Shahidi over there. It's a fun group. All right, cool, bro. Thanks for coming in, dude.

Thank you for having me.

Catch up, man.

Nice catching up, dude. Have fun in Australia. Fucking hit a fucking. See what them quack is up to, dude.

Oh, yeah.

Hopefully a girl lets you see some of her quackas.

Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure there'll be something. There's a lot of dangerous animals over there, so we'll see what happens.

You'll have a blast.

But, dude. Yeah, good luck with working on the new material and stuff.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, good to chat with you, Doug.

Yeah, good to chat with you, too. I'll be in Nashville in the summer, so if you're there, we'll shoot some shit or have you on the show.

We're a show.

Yeah. Fuck you.

All right.

Thanks for having me.

Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of mine I found I can feel it in my bones but it's gonna take.