Transcribe your podcast

What's up, guys, about Back to Views, the podcast where Thanksgiving is coming up. Yep, I'll be having dinner with my ex-wife and her boyfriend, Dave.


Holy shit. Nothing says family like a broken family.


All right. All right.


Before I start the podcast, I want to address this real quick, because I know it's going to be brought up later. So I just want to get it out of the way right now. I was filming a tick tock yesterday and I was sitting on the couch and it was a fucking I it was a funny tick tock. And then after my fourth try trying to film it, I burst into laughter. And I'm like, there's no way the fourth time is that funny as the first time and then Alagoas.


David, can you put your testicle away?


Yeah, I'm little. I'm sitting on the ball, is hanging out of my pants, so I'm sitting on the floor and I just I'm looking at I look up because I'm looking at making the tick tock and then I'm fucking I sight vision is just hanging ball. Havenport, bro.


And that's like the most embarrassing thing. I know what happens to you. I Jayco you probably not even fazed by this. I feel for you man.


Mean it's so weird. I felt violated and then I kept I couldn't not I couldn't look away. I just felt like, like I can't look at you and then I just burst out. So you saw like five minutes prior but you're like I'm going to try to not say anything with the ball. Just kind of kept looking at you. Yeah. It wasn't a good looking ball.


What did it look like. Looked like good but a little. Right. Oh I thought fuck David. I mean well I was doing it my ball for her.


It was just like, you know, basketball shirts and it's just not like thing. Hang in there dude.


I was so happy that wasn't my fucking dick. OK, this is why. Because I don't wear underwear like I was going to say. I've been on this no underwear thing. Oh yeah.


I guess what I'm wearing today, underwear you got underway because today I was like, if I'm going if I'm going to be around.


And that was the first time I felt actually genuinely uncomfortable and like naked and stuff.


It really kill the mood for the tick tock I was making.


I had to wear underwear. I mean, it's a place of work here. Yes. No, I know I, I didn't know it was going to be in this position. And she was like, fuckin perfect. I like her. I Eilene was exactly my testicles. So it was like fucking perfect viewing pleasure for her.


So I'm sorry about saying testicles just makes me continually. Continuously. I know. I know. Yes.


I was calling, I was like, oh did you see my testes? No, I don't think I was trying to make it less. I can't get them out of my head. Good, good. You keep smiling all that. All right. I'm glad we got that out of the way. Okay.


I went to the AMAs yesterday. I had I had this thing I was doing for them. Our what? What? The Microsoft theater. They had the Emmys.


Yeah. Yeah, they had the. It's fucking crazy. I mean, it's like it's covid locked down like anybody when you get in there.


Did you send a laptop with your face on it. It was just a zoom. No.


So when you get in there, obviously everybody's wearing masks. And we had to we got covid tested a day prior or two days prior, whatever. And then when we got there, you have to do another rapid covid test that's not really rapid. It takes about like fifteen, twenty minutes.


So you're sitting in your car, you're like in your car, you know, and if and if if anybody has Kova, they just fucking shut down the whole fucking shoot. I asked them, I was like, what happens if someone is covered and like we got to shut this down. Yeah. So I was like that's, that's fucking insane. And it was taking them like a really long time to get back our cover test.


I was getting really nervous. Yeah. And then they came back and they were really stressed and I was like, oh my God, we fucking have covid. And then there was a dog that was coming up to us. I was like a bomb dog and he's like a bomb sniffing dog. And I was like, oh my God, fucking they're sending the dog to tell us we have covid over dog.


Yeah. Because he can't get covid because that's covid. So I was like, he's going to he's going to fucking come here and tell us like he's going to put his paws on the windows, he's going to go yo guys, fucking hate to say it, but you have covid can you follow me. And like he's going to be yo can you grab my tail.


This is fucking escort us out of the fucking. That's what I thought was going to happen. The dog was there to see if you had bombs. Dovid The dog was there to see if we had bombs. Yes. We got kicked out immediately because Megan had explosives on her. No.


Oh, now we were good. After we got the test, the test came back. Right. The dog show the dog wasn't walking over, but it was fucking really, really. It's just a completely new world, like having to sit. And then once you have tested, you can't leave the area because now you've been you know, the second you walk out, you're like in the open air again. And like everything's just like fucking down to like a science.


It's very well taken care of. And the people that are talking to talent, like our moments, I have to take off my mask because I'm on camera or whatever.


So so the people that are like taking you from place to place where two masks and a face shield. So it's like it's like they're fucking dealing with, like little zombies. Like it looks like they're like interacting with people that have been in a nuclear explosion.


So it's a really different environment. But, you know, kudos to them because it's. Yeah, I wasn't presenting, I was I was a spot after Justin Bieber's performance, I was like talking about like that performance is great. And then Justin and the whole the prompter. Yeah, I read the prompter and it was great. It was a lot better than last year because there was nobody in the audience.


So it was just me and like all the producers there in there. And I was just like reading it to them.


So there's no pressure those live. It was like I was presenting after Justin's piece and which was really cool, by the way. I got to watch Justin and Shaun sing together for the first time, which was like really fucking cool.


And of course, part is no one was watching them other than the people working it and literally me and Megan. And it was really cool because, like, it was just like it's so cool to see two creative's like that, like do their thing.


And like, there's no there's no creatives in the world that is like like when you tuba's collab, like, that's not exciting. Or like when even when like actors collab like it's not like as powerful as like when two singers are there, like singing about something that means so much to them, especially like two kids that kind of had like the same upbringing and I like have had the same like rise to fame that was so quick and abrupt. Like it's really cool to watch them sing about a song I like was like so special to them.


So that was sick.


Waititi, Justin Bieber do the one where he's like singing about his childhood. That one. Yeah. Oh the one he did on SNL. He did all three.


So he did lonely than he did Holly and then he did Monster with Sean. And then my bumper at the AMAs was I was saying how great the performance was and how T-Mobile is giving away a phone to somebody and merch Justin's merch, like Justin signed merch. And they gave me one of his merch items to hold to show the camera and sign those beautiful. And I was done and and I was just like, OK, like I could go home.


So I left with the merch. I was just I was like, no one's fucking here taking you for me. I was like, I'm going to walk out. And like my knowledge from award shows is like, whatever is in your hand at the time, I tell you to leave, you can walk out with like I've left with awards that aren't mine. And they're still sitting on my award shelves because no one asked for them. So I was like, fuck it, I'm leaving with this merch.


I'm sure they have like others that he signed and we got a call today. They're like, yo, did you guys walk away with the sign merch?


Because I was going to send it to my friend, my friend Shannon Healey, who is this is so random, but she's a huge Justin Bieber fan. And when I collaborating, she messaged me about I mean, I was like, I want to send it to her. She writes in my hometown and they call it like, you know, you take the Justin Bieber words.


And first Meghan was like, no. And I was like, why the fuck did you lie to them? Like, why did you lie to them? And then they called back and was like, Yeah, we have it. And they're like, it's it's the only one. Like, that's the only one that there I was the one that was going to the town. I was the one that someone was going to win. Yeah. I was like oh fuck.


I to be signed five of them but it was like this specific one.


So I was like fuck. So now if you'll give it back it's kind of stinks. But I mean hey like that's all we get for trying to steal. Yeah. Yeah.


I mean like ninety nine point nine percent of the time you would have that would have been in Shannon Healy's hands. One hundred percent. They wouldn't have said anything.


I had this whole plan too, that I was going to like fly to Chicago and like, like hand deliver it to her myself. Like I was really excited because she's a huge Justin Bieber fan. And now you're being arraigned on Monday. So, yeah. For grand larceny.


Yeah, I'm going to court, but it was great. I've been riding around thinking I'm going to get arrested because I found out I missed a court date. Oh, you missed a court date? Yeah, I got it. Like a traffic ticket, looking at my phone, like a year ago. And then I got another one. Oh, fuck.


In the same exact spot. And I can't pay it because I think I'm wanted. What are you going to do now? I don't know. Just I don't know.


Move to Mexico and I'm not sure, you know, Tic Tacs have recently been on like, you know, like Tic Tacs or like the like like sometimes your feet will be all Kath's or whatever. Like right now I'm on Cartwell Ticktock and I'm on jail.


Tick tock. Oh, how'd you get there? I don't know. There's a lot of people that are on this.


It's like it's like a trend going around. There's a lot of videos from the cartel that are popping up and it's like all of them smuggling like cocaine and stuff. And you have Meinke like all of them, like I love cartel.


It's like, yeah, it's really good. It's really interesting. And like the one I'm on right now is like there was like a bow and there was like a shipment of cocaine. It's like busts by the cops.


No, it's like straight up from like, like android phones that are like horrible quality. And you see the cocaine like all laid out.


This is this and bus and then and then the not so smart if you're a drug dealer or fucking. Oh put it on tape. Put it on Tic-Tac. That's crazy. Yeah.


And get the next day I saw the I saw cartel take tuxedoes from the police point of view. So it was like a police like whole task force driving into like a small town like with all the sirens. And it was like a hot police officer that flipped the camera to him. And like the top camera was like, damn, I wish I was in the cartel. Now I want him to bust me. So I was like, funny that, like now like, I see both of the point of views from the cartel.


Yeah. So, yeah, that's what's possible. And then I saw another video of this guy in jail and he's in jail.


Horrible phone like the phone barely works. Obviously he's in jail, but like he's like showing videos and he's like playing like fuck the police like through like that's his Tic-Tac sound that he's using and it's like the saddest fucking thing.


And like everyone in the comments is like like we're going to get you out of there, dude. We're going like we don't even know what this guy did. Right. But everyone's like, man, we feel like this guy could have murdered like fifteen people, just like we got to get him out of there. Yeah.


So everyone feels bad for him and and he keeps he's made six Tic-Tac already and his whole thing is he's begging people to get him to like a thousand or five thousand followers because then you can start going live and then I think you can start accepting donations. So like he's like he's like all about like he's like, come on, give me to six thousand followers. I could go live and like, it's just so crazy. This dude's fucking straight up in jail.


He has a phone in jail. Why are you just phone in jail. Yeah. Are you crazy.


You just you pay a guard off and you get. I never heard that before. Oh my God. Yeah. People do that all the time. People sneak into jail. Yeah.


Yeah I'm sure. But like a fucking phone is pretty crazy to have in jail. Yeah. But it's just it's guards like it's like it's you just pay a guard fucking whatever. A hundred bucks and he sneaks off on a pretty good deal for a guard. Security's fucking stuck in jail.


I'm sorry. One of my biggest fears is to be in jail. It is pretty horrible. But like is isn't it fucking so crazy how you can just go like not you can just go to jail, like you just accidently wind up there. But it's crazy. Like other humans will go, well, what you just fucking did you have to go and time out from the real world for four or five years.


Like that's such a bizarre thing to me.


And like I like this like driving by a jail is the craziest thing. Like you're on the highway.


And yes, I knew exactly what you mean. And like dudes in there, there's dudes in there and they've been there for years. Yeah. And all they do is they just see the surroundings around them as if as a green screen and everybody else is just driving by and like they'll never be able to climb the mountain that they see or like go on the highway. They're just stuck in a jail cell.


It's such a and the other thing I always think about, too, is like, even if you get out and you're like 50, like you like all that last time. Right. Your 20s and 30s gone. Right.


But if you're out and you're 50, you really did something fucking bad. Right? Unless it's like some bullshit thing or maybe it's a drug charge. You got caught with marijuana.


Yeah, that is bullshit. That's kind of fucked up.


But the thing that, like, is like I'm confused about is like, I don't know, like, you know, there's like I don't know if it's Sweden and Switzerland or where, but like the jails there are like fucking summer camps.


Right. Like they believe in like like you can't even go to jail. They're for any crime over like thirteen or twenty years or there's some sort of rule where you can't spend there's no life sentences for murder.


The most you can get as nineteen years. Remember we watched it together. Yeah. Yeah.


I don't know if it's nineteen years, I don't know what it is but yeah you can kill, you can do whatever you want.


It's the max in ninety years because they rehabilitate everybody and they believe that everybody gets a second chance and that this whole thing, the repeat offenders, those rates are a lot lower than anywhere else because of I guess just how they work their prison systems.


And like there's no like they're no, no always nobody's in a cage.


They're like in literal rooms that have like TV's and like nice sinks and like everything look like hospitals.


It looks exactly like hospitals and like so I don't know, like, is that the way to do it?


Or one scene that was interesting in the dock was there was like five guys all living together in this really, really nice prison. And like two of them, like we're like robbers. But they were like right next to the murderer, right. They were like all talking to him.


And, you know, the craziest part by the Dockray watch was the woman prison guard. She was she was just like hanging out with the prisoners. Right. In like this common. The area where one guy was like working a stone, like an oven and like he was microwaving his food and it was like five of them hanging out and the guard was a space. Yeah. And the guard was just sitting on the couch with them, just talking.


Can I just jump in? Yeah, just my teacher, Mr. Killinger is here. He's actually he's been in jail. So you have something to say, David trying to get his GED. So he's brought Kielinger here for good. Oh, yeah.


Just in terms of where this conversation is going. I mean, that's that's the punishment. Should be that you're removed from society.


Right. And that's it. Anything worse in terms of like like when you've seen inside of prisons how terrible the conditions are? It's like that shouldn't be an additional punishment. Like you are removed from society. You're in like a prison area. But then, you know, and then you can be rehabilitated, you get educated and like no counseling and stuff. And then you come out as opposed to. Yeah, in the United States, it's like, yeah, we're going to remove you and you're going to be in a tiny cell and it's going to be with a bunch of other people.


We're not going to educate you anything. You're going to potentially get raped in the shower like it's it's going to trial. Yeah, exactly. And then. Well, so another not not to get on like my high horse here or like a soap box or whatever, but like but part of it is that in the United States, a lot of prisons are run privately like their corporations.


And so they are all they want is for people to come back into this is too much knowledge for our podcast.


It's not like we like to keep it. Like I've got to like I've never even heard the word corporations before.


So so, I mean, yeah, they're businesses. So they make money is to have more prisoners. And so they're like, we're not going to educate. You weren't going to get anything. We want you right back. The minimum wage. Right. I agree with what you're saying.


Like, I think that's like a better way to rehabilitate somebody. But to play devil's advocate, let's say your mother was brutally murdered by somebody like would you have would you be like send him to this summer camp where he or would you be like fucking have this guy rot in this prison?


I, I completely understand that perspective. But, like, you've got to take yourself out of it. You've got to take emotion out of it. Like, of course, if somebody. Yeah. Somebody killed my mom, I would you stab him with my bare hands. But yeah. But that's why it's not perhaps like I would just do it just enough times, just like of these like sharp motions like this. And I just want to cut your nails for a while.


That would be my mother. Exactly. You'd be so confusing getting stab. I mean.


I know. OK, I know what you mean. So I guess you got you can't be biased in that way. Right. Right. Yeah, exactly. I mean, if we punish people based on, like the feelings of the victims and their families, then it's like everybody would be like acquirable.


Right. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Exactly right. OK, I guess that makes sense.


If you ever thought about you get into a situation where it looks like you murdered them, but you did, you're innocent. Oh my God. You have to, like, move to Oklahoma and completely start a new life. And like, what would you do? Like, I would do that. I would never, ever try to go to jail.


I'd be like I've gone like if you were wrongfully convicted or you like you were about to be and you saw the chance, like escape. Yeah.


You had a chance to go and get a new identity. And you go to like a small town and I totally live.


Yeah. Pull fucking so much cash on. I just leave. I just leave. Oh never never never come back. What would your new alias be. Albert. Albert what. Einstein. Hey Chief, look at this.


This guy's got the same last name. The guy we're looking for but a different first name. Albert Dober.


I think a more suspicious would be if I was Albert Einstein. Yeah, that would be a chief. Is there Albert Einstein you know about? This is a George Clooney living in Oklahoma. We were just watching an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm and it's my favorite show.


They're shooting the new season right now.


Are they really? Oh, that's right. We did see that. Are they. But do you remember the one where they go to Dodger Stadium where he takes the prostitute to Dodger Stadium? Yeah.


So in that episode, funny, there was a guy well, there was a guy who was, I think, on trial for murder or the cops.


Do you know why he takes a prostitute? No. So he can use he can use the actual villain.


Oh, because he's going to be late for the game at a prostitute's like baby. And he's like, get in the car. We're going to the Dodgers game.


So I could take so you can beat the traffic. Very. And that is really fun, Larry. Thing to do is so clever. That's funny. That's really the best. I tried to show these guys enthusiasm once and like, I didn't give enough of but they liked it. Not just these guys like Zeine was here and they liked it. They only laughed like three times.


It's the best we I think we've been through. We have to watch more of it. Yeah, but so in that episode, there was somebody who was like on trial for murder or the cops, it just picked him up or thought he was guilty of killing somebody. And he got off because at the time of the murder, they were shooting that episode. And he and he's in the video, like in the TV show.


Oh, I've heard of this. What happened? He was one of just some random. Yeah.


Some extras, one of the extras in the Dodger Stadium, like in the in the actual show, he was one of the extras and that was his alibi for why he wasn't at the crime, because he was shooting carwashes them.


Yeah. That's crazy, right. Wow. That's really funny. That's why that's why I do the blogs.


So whatever crime I know I used to do the blogs, so yeah. The last year we're fucked if anything bad happens.


Yeah. Fuck. Where were you.


Yeah I was shooting with Dave.


Where did you get your toilet paper and everything for like we've switched over to our hands here completely because just just in case it was Natalie's idea, just in case the toilet paper is no longer available in case the lockdown goes bad.


We have hey, I'm going to have Natalie's new merch. I'm going to ask a question. This is a little bit too much. Come on. This is a joke. This is what do you say? I said you have Nathalie's you Merks do. Yeah. We're going to be using Malebranche.


That'll be nice.


Do you guys ever get used to this is probably a European thing, so maybe you can answer this. She was ever used to after you guys would go use the bathroom. This is when I was younger.


Oh, God. Did you when I when I would go number two, did you ever go wash your butt right after? Why is that weird?


Because I would sit on the sink and sort of God, I was young, but it was like I was that weird.


Well, that is very European, because you were you were longing for a bad day yesterday of a bad day.


But, you know. No, no, no, no. I would like OK, I'll make it less weird. I would sit on the edge of the bathtub and scoop water into my butt and wash it.


Is that weird? It's not weird. OK, so now that that's not weird, I'll tell you what I would actually do. I would sit on the sink and I would scoop water into my butt that way. OK, now what? You would actually OK, so have my mom blow water into my ass. You know, the sink was actually is that weirdo.


It's a little weird that you're using the sink. Why don't you just use the bathtub? Because there was a bathroom where there's only a toilet and a sink. Sink makes more sense, but closer to the water.


Well, no, you'd have to, like, hop up on the top of my feet were dangling.


Yeah, of course I. I think I was like fucking I was young. I was nineteen years old.


That's I walked in on doing that the other day. I was young but I wasn't like that young like. Yeah it was definitely I was one of those guys. I told the story before, I was one of those guys where my mom was wiping my butt a little too late. I was definitely one of those guys. Oh, Taylor laughs Because Taylor's like now that's what I do know. I well, I don't know how old. Eleven. Yeah.


Yeah. Oh, my God.


No, I don't know what. Eleven. What's eleven. How old are you. 11 like six. Eleven. Oh no no no not no, no. I was in the middle school. I was in fifth grade. No I.


Oh third, second, second, second for sure. It's a bed. Yeah. A second.


And I remember I was at my friend's says Jason who fucking babies the fuck out of his children. Oh yeah. Second grade. I remember I was at my friend I if I say his name I was my friend Sergios house and he was my age and he was in the bathroom and he goes, Mom. Well and my catch phrase was Onya because that's how you say mom and Hungarian. Yes. And it got embarrassing when I got older because like then my dad would start laughing and be like, yo, just fucking wipe your own ass.


And and I'd always call my mom to come help me. This isn't that fucking weird thing about like why didn't I learn how to do that myself? Why are they so comfortable? My mom doing it and Sergio called his mom and we were both like the second or third grade and mom and she went in there and and he came out and I was like, I. Fucking onto him, I was like, I fucking know what happened, I know what happened, and I was like, so happy to finally see somebody like me.


And I was like, why should you go in there? And he goes, We don't have any toilet paper. I was like, she didn't bring any toilet paper in there a day.


I bust your own kind because I was about to be like, Yeah, hey, I want of you like I about to get on one of those.


And he was and I was like and I was like, did your mom just wipe your butt? And he was like, no. And I was like, dude, it's fine. My mom does it too.


And he was like, oh my God. Yeah, she did it. Yeah, yeah. It's such a like I still remember his laugh about it because it was like such a moment where like, oh thank God we both fucking do this. Yeah. I was very laid on that train.


This is a question for Natalie and Ella. Do you guys use those like wet wipes? There's like dude wipes. Oh, I see. I know you're not woman though.


I can keep up with the hairy assholes, use the way I don't use them for hair on their ass. No, you do not like a guy like. Can you. Yeah. No way. Time out. Time out. Let's backtrack. You don't use wet wipes.


No, definitely not in either.


Why. I don't need to do take big poops. I know this is like a really hot topic you think about often.


I wouldn't say I wouldn't put hot and steamy big topics. Is it because I'm just wondering, like, is it like does it come up like does it come out as a log? Sometimes I was like bunny pilots.


Like I just don't know what it is, you know. You don't think about this. I totally do.


I actually like envisioned it when you said it like very like I see like there's a sound like and it's just pellets or is like.


No like is is it like is it like is it like you hear the you hear the first touch a while and then the splash from my mouth.


You guys never seen two girls. One cup. Oh God. I thought you were going.


I mean so that explains it. That's bogus. You're right. That does kind of say no, that's poop proof. No, that's poop.


It's funny when you said your dad embarrassed you like that. My dad used to embarrass me so easily, probably because I was such a pussy.


But I think I have to be careful of that when I have a kid. The thing that I love doing now with my friends and like with people around me now is I'd love to fucking embarrass them. Right. But I think I really have to watch that when I have a kid, because I think it's a whole I think it's a whole different game. When you have a child like you could say the wrong thing, you know, fucking for the rest of their lives, it'll sit with them.


In a weird way, I always reference the moment when my dad pulled my pants down at a Little League Baseball game. There's no one there. There's no one. There is just on us on a baseball field. And he pants me. My underwear came with it. And I always remember there's something about your penis hitting the wind and the open air baseball field that really knocks it back into your, like, memory for the rest of his life.


Yeah, like, I think about the I think about my time back on that Little League field if your mom didn't wipe your ass that day.


Yeah. Yeah. Really embarrassing. Yeah. That was an embarrassing moment for me. He was just goofing around. Yeah.


Can we, can we can we title this podcast Tiny Dicks on a Little League field.


Not I don't do that. But that was that was a moment for me.


My old high school teacher calendar is here again and I'm going through his notes because he like writes down notes for the podcast, I guess, and they're organized. And there's like, look at this list. There's like at least like at least 50 ideas. And the sections are random podcast shit.


Jason David's weirdness, David's friends, weird Vernon Hills High School stories, serial post fame stories, long stories.


So fucking crazy. I'll take Jason for 200. My I'll I'll tell you one.


My favorite Jason story was at the live show in Chicago when you guys did the podcast there. And and I had just walked there from my apartment. I was hanging out with you guys backstage and you guys were just like coming up with a show like what you were going to do as we were backstage, like an hour before what the show was going to be. It's like and you guys decided that, like Jason was going to for one bit like changing to his Jesus costume or like changing to Carmelina, like back and forth between those two.


And Jason's like, well, I can't do it because I'm not wearing underwear right now.


David, it's like, no, you've got to do it like I don't care. And James is like, I'm not going to get naked, like, right off stage. It has to be quick change. Like, I'm not just going to be balls out, like backstage. There's people around there. And and you I mean, you were insistent, David. You were like, you have to do this. Like, this is how this bit is going to go.


And Jason's like, all right, well, I'm going to have to borrow your underwear then. And David, you were like, absolutely the fuck not Jason. Just like slowly looks over at me and he's like, Kielinger, can I borrow your underwear?


And like, I wanted to help out I in the back of my mind, I'm like, well, you know, sure, no problem.


But it was like an August day and I, like, just walked there from my apartment, like, I don't know what it was.


I'm like, I'm not going to hand him like my sweaty underpants to change into right now. And so that's kind of an apology to you, but also a hilarious story. Like I would not have cared, like, OK, if there are a little bit.


Sorry, that's what I mean. I'm going. Hey, hey. You mean like, hey, I'm going to get to do in way anyway. So it was just a bit it was just my favorite bit. Just the dead I'd like completely serious look at me like right in the eye. I need to wear your underpants you're currently wearing right now. But no, you end up getting underwear.


I get a few changes. I remember al fresco. Yeah. No, not yeah.


Luckily no one saw a funny thing. I like how you're expecting to face right now, you know, just that I wrote down this this one note about how you seem way more excited to talk with me via text than when when I show up someplace. It's so funny because like whenever whenever you're reaching out to me, you're like, oh, David, you know, wants you for this or thanks for doing this. It's all like exclamation points and like you're so not only respond with hearts to everything and then, like, it's so funny because sometimes I'll show up someplace and I'll be like all jazzed up like, yeah, everybody's having a good time.


Like Natalie is going to be excited to see me. And it's always just like, Oh, hey, Kielinger.


Like, OK, I guess, I guess that's bad. So slightly deadpan, you do do that, Natalie. What is that?


I know I do. I text like a crazy person, like I am a completely different person when I talk to you.


Well, that's so funny. That is such a now, if you're going to kill killed, it's like she's just like a shell, just like walking around, like I have to text one for my job. Did you get my funny text to tell David they were extra fun?


I think that I, I'm like I think that I'm like that and I type that way. But then when I'm in person, I'm not that way.


Right. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah. One person I'm a piece of boring shit.


Speaking of shows how big I should like. Is there ever a student that you taught that you just they just hate it or you don't like her? There's there's one student that comes to mind where I just won't like like if I saw him in person, I would just ignore him as opposed to every other student I would like. You won't forget. I know. In years. So the story with that is that I when I was the journalism teacher, I would take kids on field trips every year to like journalism conventions that were like national things, like every high school in the country journalism convention.


Yeah, high school journalism conventions. They they were a great time. And so I took kids to Boston this one year, like so we were there. It was like the second day we were there for three days. We woke up on the like the morning of the second day. And I'm trying to get everybody together in the lobby of the hotel in Boston. And I'm like counting, counting heads. And there's there's one off. And this one kid comes up to me.


I'm going to change the student's name just for the sake of the story. This one kid comes up to me and says, we don't know where Mike is. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Like, I I watched you close the door when you guys went to bed in this hotel room last night. And then now it's the morning. Like, what do you mean you don't know where he is? And he's like, this kid's like, well he left last night.


He said he was going to go meet some girls and he didn't come back.


And I start losing my mind because it's in the middle isn't like downtown Boston. And we went to bed like the last. If you're responsible for everything, I'm responsible. Exactly. So I'm like, this kid could be fucking dead. And so I'm having a panic attack. And not not only that, but one of the chaperones that I brought with me was my boss, who was like in charge of the entire English department. Yeah. And I'm like, my boss is watching me, like, lose a kid and lose my mind.


This kid could be fucking dead in an alley somewhere. And so I was losing my shit, like I was calling this kid nonstop. And I just went into like a different bike mindset where I'm like, I need to track down this kid. If it's this is fucking dead body or what. Like, I don't care. I need to feel like I'm going to get even bigger if I don't back or something. Right. I don't care if I have fingerprints.


Something. Exactly. I need something.


Eventually he picks up the phone and he's like super groggy sounding. I'm like, hey, man, where the fuck are you? He's like, oh, I just I guess I slept in. I'm like, that's bullshit.


Because I'm with your three fucking roommates. We're in the lobby right now. Like, what are you talking about? And eventually I it's funny that this was at a journalism convention because I was doing like detective work of like trying to put the pieces together. But I eventually found him. He took a cab to a different hotel to meet up with some girls that he met at the journalism convention. And so, like, I eventually like I take a cab there, he like eventually tells me where he is.


I meet up with him and I'm like, I'm sitting down with him. I'm like, it looks like I'm happy to see you, but it's only because you're alive. Like, other than that, I'm like at the end of my fucking rope. Right. Like, I'm just going to I told the story a couple of weeks ago about how mad I was in like to a classroom. But this is like the most directed anger, like a single student I've ever had in my life.


I'm going to strangle me. I'm like, you're going home immediately. Like I'm sending one of the chaperones home with you right now. I'm going to book a flight. I can't fucking trust you to stay here for another night. Like, are you out of your goddamn mind?


I heard stories later. It's like, yeah. You know, he hooked up with both girls that were in in the room, like other students were telling me this. I'm like, listen, man, good, good for him. If it's if like like he he pulled off something great. If I were sixteen and I could hook up with you with two other girls in our high school, like, good for him. But I also still want to murder him.


But like the repercussions where he had to fly home immediately, I kicked him out of my class. Why he could not be a newspaper. I'm like, I'm not going to fucking deal with this kid. Like, look at him every day, like third period. Look, oh, you know, what story ideas do you have the day? I'm like, get him the fuck out of my class and everyone will look at him again. And and so, yeah, that's the case.


Like, I actually did see him one more time. He I was on like a lunch break a couple of years later and he was like delivering the food with, like a bunch of other teachers. And he comes up and puts all the food down. He's like, Oh hey Jeff. I'm like, oh my God.


I was like, you know, I was like, hello? And then he walks away and all the other leaders like Jeff, that's I'm like any other student could call me Jeff. And I wouldn't want to I wouldn't lose it. But I like that fucking kid. I, Mr. Killinger, for life to that kid because I could have murdered him and should have.


But I you know, so get a punishment when he got back to school. Yeah.


I think I forget what it was. It's some kind of suspension. I think he was out of school for like maybe a week or something because I would have if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't have handled it that well.


It was it was so much of an honor to send him home. Yeah. Yeah.


I mean, that was my only option. I feel like that's something that I would have done on a field trip. And I don't think I would have gotten detention or gotten kicked back on the trail.


You would have done well, that's a or no. Right. Did you sleep with two chicks? I that that part was probably not probably going to beat up on some guys with video games, but so high schools are known for their boys and their bonus.


I know this sounds weird, but but but I feel like there's an intro I welcome back a. Boys and Bonar's David, I just I just know that there have been a lot of times when I was in high school, actually more in middle school to where I like there, there was a boner that I did not ask for and I was having to cover it up. And I was like, does anybody else see what's going on here? Were there other situations?


I've. So I've got a couple funny stories about that couple next year or two. Very memorable. No.


So my wife was a teacher too, and she I think she came back from work one day and was like this kid. I was, you know, had this activity all planned and I was getting like supervised by my boss. And I wanted the kids to get around and, like, move around the classroom and do this activity. And one kid wasn't one kid wasn't getting up, right. Yeah.


He like I couldn't get him up to the whiteboard and oh, my God, this is like like such a movie incident. This is like such a movie thing where, like, a kid doesn't go up to the whiteboard because he's a boner. Yeah.


And so I'd rather not. Like, I didn't know. So I told him about this. I was like, oh yeah. You can't just like ask people to come up to the white board. Like if a boy says no, like there's a reason, like I didn't.


Oh, that's like a rule and teacher it isn't. I didn't know as a woman. And he had to explain this to his female colleagues as well. I didn't know that boys just like boners for whatever reason.


Like, I thought it was like in response to like a sexual stimuli.


So that's the thing. When you're 13, like almost anything is a sexual stimuli. Yeah. He kept saying he's like, no, I just pop ONA's for no reason. And that was like, fascinating.


Know that happens. Do you get bonus for no reason. There's no sexual stimuli. Right. Sometimes you're like not even horny and it's just hard when you're a kid.


Yeah. Now or ever. Yeah. I remember being in class and being like I'm not horny, but it's fucking.


Yeah, but at a kid when you're when you're like the younger it's like a lot more like the Bonar's would come every period.


But it was, it wasn't like I was turned on by anything. I was there. I know. Yeah. I was learning about like the great pilgrimage we're here on Boys and Bonar's. We're taking your calls also when you are a teacher, if a guy didn't want to come up to the board. Yeah, I got it when it's happened that has ever happened to you.


It happened a couple of times and I had to explain it to my my female colleagues as well. Like because they would complain about boys. I'm like, you can't it's you know, you're like this is just going to show it's going to happen.


If a kid is, like, sitting in his chair, like with terror in his eyes that he does want to get up, just let them fucking walk away. It's so weird. I would always get boners at the most inconvenient time. It was right before passing period.


Yes, it was. Yes. Yes, you totally it was right when it was right when the bell was about to ring and I was about to go to my next I was about to go to my next class. Yes. And I sometimes I would flip my backpack and I'd wear it on my on my stomach.


Oh yeah. Or or at the time they had like these binders. Remember those binders, they're like they're like made out of like a fabric. And you put everything in it and you jam it against your pants. Right. Yeah.


And it was just that was just I remember that was the horror for me when I was a kid. I was like, oh my God, Bonar's are going to be like a serious problem my entire life. Like it was like it was like the same fear I had about like quicksand. Like when they teach you about quicksand, you're like, OK, got to watch out for those when I go hiking, like that's not a fucking fear and bonus.


And Skunk's, this is another I saw this, it was a funny tweet. And like someone was like when I was a kid, I thought, Skunk's, we're going to be way bigger problem. And that's the same thing with Bonar's. I was like, dude, I'm going to fucking pop Bonar's whenever when I'm older, like during meetings. But they do go away and sometimes, you know, they're even hard to get.


Now, sometimes I wish I was younger. I guys this all the time. We have today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Have a happy and safe Thanksgiving. Jason, any tips for people celebrating with their families how to do it safely?


Just when you go to dinner with your family, don't say anything.


Just be silent the entire time and try to get out there as quick as possible. Yeah, yes. And especially if there's somebody there like that's getting boned and especially sorry. And especially if your ex-wife is there and she's getting boned by her new boyfriend. Yeah. He's there to make sure you keep your mouth shut. Yeah. And just be extra careful.


I'm going to wear headphones through dinner so he can't hear about sex in the kitchen. All right. That's it. We'll see us later.


My name is Jeff.