This is a head gun podcast.

Kill out.

And we're back.

We're back.

Another episode with a hilarious dude, the fat rascal himself. You know, his Netflix special, fat rascal. And if you don't watch it now, hilarious. Stavro Halkius is our guest. So funny. You can watch a special fat rascal on Netflix. He's also got a podcast called Stavi's.

World, which you've done.

Which I've done, which is an advice show. But he takes emails and things like that are like this dude, if you.

Don'T know him, he's so funny. He also did this unbelievably funny thing where he creates this character who's a Ravens fan.

Oh, he's nuts.

And he's just a killer. And he's so good on the show. We appreciate having him.

Yes.

So I think you're going to enjoy this.

Yep. Enjoy that. Watch your movie, self reliance. We're not gonna stop beating that drum.

I think it's. Yeah, no, we've beat it. No, watch it again and see the Garfman on tour.

On tour. Just go to garethrenalds.com. I'm going from Vegas to New Orleans.

How long are you going to be on the road?

Garfield? I'll be on the. I mean, for a while, over a month, probably about six weeks with a few days home.

And in the middle of it at your lowest, what do you think the lowest is going to look like? Because you've said on this podcast you've eaten on toilet bowls.

Chewed. I was chewing.

What's the difference?

There's a difference.

Did you spit it out?

No.

Did you swallow it?

What would be weirder?

That's called eating.

Okay. The low point will be probably about three quarters of the way through when there's a two show night. I'm tired. I'm sick of driving. My voice is hoarse, and I've sort of caved on the diet. And at this point, I go to the lobby at, like, 1230 at night, and I don't have a problem letting them give me the judgy eyes while I get, like, three twixes, you know what I mean? And, like a fanta.

What else is there?

Yeah, it's a nightmare.

You're going to get healthy and get, like, baked chips. Fuck off.

No, there's probably going to be a baked chip phase. Yeah, for sure. Which will be where I'm lying to myself, probably about week two or something like that.

You're still hungry after them. Yeah.

The low point will be that and then I'll wake up with, like, a chocolatey nose and be like, who am I?

Yeah. What happened?

What's wrong?

Yeah. And we ask you guys to do nothing. Thanks for listening.

Watch us on YouTube. Thanks to everyone who also sent us screenshots of them telling their friends.

Good, Kevin. So thank you guys for everything. And without further ado, enjoy the show.

Thanks.

Not you, you asshole.

Oh, I'm going to listen to it too.

Oh, you're the audience. Okay, bye bye.

Hello.

Welcome to. We're here to help. You're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and fat rascal Stavros Halkius. How are you?

I'm doing phenomenal. What about you guys?

Well, we'll change that. Can we get your name, roughly your age, where you're calling from, and then just jump in with what we can help you with today?

Yeah, I'm Amber. I'm 30. I'm from northeast Ohio and.

Nice.

I'm calling because last year I started in only fans. Okay. Little low on cash.

Okay.

After about two months of doing that, I made, like, three grand. So I'm like, okay, maybe make an investment towards this.

Wait, you made three grand in two months? So 1500 a month. Okay.

So I decided to find a niche of my own. Okay.

Yeah, smart. Smart.

The one I ended up coming up with was real doll, the thing. But you never see women with a male.

Oh, interesting.

You're not wrong on this, by the.

No.

Okay.

Okay.

So I bought, um.

Now, quick question, Amber, before we go deeper, because these dolls, there's a lot of different kinds. There's the here we go Jake blow up kind that you throw in a pool and can kind of float on. And then there's those weird ones that look like kind of people, and they cost a lot of money, and you have to change their innards after you're finished.

I like the idea that you know.

What I'm talking about. They're different.

While Jake is being like, I'm fairly familiar. Behind him is a freshly used real dollar. I'm not familiar with this market too much.

Or my Elvis, my guy who works. All of a sudden you see it coming. I go, get the fuck out of here. Not now, fucking rat. Get in the corner.

If I want Hannah, I'll say, Hannah, not real doll.

So what kind of doll we talking, Amber?

Okay, so I didn't go full out, but it is realistic.

Okay? We're talking.

Yeah, it's got, like, body hair and all that.

Body hair.

What kind of type of guy did you go for? Well, you're going tall, short. You go in heavyset, you go in skinny, you get to pick.

That's the issue. I wanted a tall guy. I'm like five seven myself, and he's five six.

I can't even believe in the world of real dolls. Women are shaming.

Short.

Sex dolls get less pussy.

I'm not interested.

What a world. Your fucking sex doll's too short. Incredible. Amber, wait. They don't have. When you do it, you can't pick the dimensions.

Yeah, you can. The issue with that is it's so heavy, and I'm strong.

Sure.

But please tell me you got a. He weighs over 100 pounds. I was hoping for 285.

That'd be awesome.

One that can't be used on Sundays because I'm watching the game.

One who dick works sometimes, but it's not great because of his diet.

You have to flip a coin, you press a button, it's, like, hard or not hard.

I got whiskey dick.

You didn't get a real dowel. You got a husband from the midwest. Okay, so you get a dowel. It's 100 pounds. It's five six. Gotcha.

Okay, so the fact that he's so heavy, he just kind of sits on my Ab lounge.

Sure.

In my basement. The issue with that is I have a seven year old.

Okay.

Yes.

Are you.

He's got questions.

Whoa. He knows about it. Okay, hold on.

You can't move him.

Well, all right.

Okay. Immediately. I think I have an answer here.

Please.

Now, the hard dick might be an issue. You got to get a suit of armor to drape over this guy. You got to have it like medieval times so that it just looks like you're really into King Arthur shit. That's the perfect. Or, like Star wars, or, like, you know what mean?

Like. Yeah.

You gotta, like, put some kind of memorabilia on it. Now, the hard dick will be an issue. I'm not going to sugarcoat.

We're not going to lie.

If you're a doctor right now, you're going like this. You have stage four cancer. I'm not going to lie. You're going to die. But here's what you can do. The doll is 5600 pounds with a rock hard dick. I don't want that around any kid. I don't care if it's dress love, like Han Solo, fuck off. We got to put this thing on wheels and get it out of there. You can't have the kid go like, mommy. I was wrestling with the Han Solo.

And I got Chewbacca. Have a human cock.

Never can what do you call this thing on the OnlyFans? Do you got a name for this boy?

Yeah, unfortunately, I do.

What's this man's name?

So, number one, the penis is removable, so I don't keep that on him.

Okay. Does it come in different sizes, or are you disappointed in that too?

I like to switch it up. Sometimes it's flaccid, sometimes it's not sure.

Wow.

So I actually have thought about dressing him up, maybe as, like, a military man or something.

Support the troops.

Amber. Is that for you or for the boy? To dress him up. I've made him a cop. He's arrested me. Oh, yeah. This is about my son.

So that's kind of what I told him because he asked me about it, and I kind of did tell him. It's like, oh, it's like a statue type thing.

Yeah. I got some questions before we start pitching. I just got some backstory questions. What do you call in this five foot six or guy? What's his name? What do you call him?

Oh, yeah.

Curious.

Yeah. Do you guys remember the Max Steele doll?

No.

Max Steele.

No.

It's like a way cooler Kendall. Okay, so I call him Max.

Nice.

Okay.

And you wanted to fuck Max Steele as a child?

Basically, I'm looking at some pictures of Max Steele here, and this is quite a type. Okay. Yeah.

And so how's business been with Max?

What was that?

How's business been? You used to make 1500 a month just by yourself, and then you got Max in the game. Has Max been worth the investment?

Yeah.

Ringing and confident.

So you were doing pretty good. $1,500 a month. You're not mad at that in northeast Ohio, you're going, hey, I just do this little side thing. I'm showing a little bit of this, I'm doing a little bit of that. I'm making a little bit of money.

Switching up cocks.

I'm having a little bit. No, this is pre max. This is pre max. And then you go, I'm having fun. How much did you spend on this doll? I know I'm going down the sidewalk, but I'm a business guy. I love numbers.

No, this is good.

It just matters.

This is like Onlyfans Nightmares, where it's like, we go in, we look at your books.

You know what I mean?

This is only fans rescue.

You're John Taffer. Your max is disgusting.

You never clean your max. You got fruit flies swinging around this hat.

And then you got some fucking yuck. I'm shutting it down in a cabby. Hat touching its butthole and going, this thing has never been cleaned, John. It's never been cleaned. So what'd you pay for Max, Amber?

A little under three grand.

Okay.

$1,000.

These things are expensive.

Okay?

Yeah. So that's two months of work. Has it spiked your sales? Have you gotten more money off of the max infusion?

See, that's the thing. Since I got them, I kind of just haven't been doing so much of it because I work full.

On. You've invested.

You can't just get a real doll for your kid, Gareth.

I don't mean to columbo this one again, Gareth, but something's not adding up.

Go, bro.

So I gotta say, it started with my fucking wears. One more thing. When you were talking the numbers, because a lot of these only fans people are making big money.

Yes.

So if you're making $1,500 a month, you're talking less than 20 grand a year to be naked on the Internet. So this is already you're making a move. Then you buy a doll for $3,000. Which, as John Tavarette, this is bad numbers. Two monkeys.

Terrible margins.

These are bad margins. And then you stop doing it when you get the doll. Amber, what's going on here?

Did you just want to fuck the doll?

Amber.

It'S okay if you wanted to fuck the doll, but is that what we're dealing with?

Mean, maybe.

It'S nice to meet a female dirt. Usually this is guys that are like. This makes me feel good.

You create nine lies of bullshit just to go. No, I got the VR set because I'm interested in going on roller coaster.

No, honey, I walked in the other day, you were jerking off on the roller coaster.

So, Amber, is this. Deep down, you just started this little thing to see. Then you got a little bit like, it is what it is. And now I'm going to buy this doll because I want it. I'm a little disappointed in the size of it, but it's heavy. I would like to be the kind of person that fucks my toy, then puts it away. But I'm also lazy. I'm going to fuck it when I want to fuck it, which isn't all the time, but I'm going to go in my basement three times a week and fuck the shit out of Max, slap him around, do whatever I want. But I don't want my son to come down there and see, like, a.

Glistening sex toy with a freshly swapped out cock. I like the idea that you're probably up there with your son, like, put away your trains. I'm going to fall on these. While downstairs, you're not putting.

Are we getting closer to the truth or farther away? Amber, you're the boss here.

I mean, it's pretty accurate. I think the fact that he is so hard to move makes it harder to film content.

Interesting, right?

Okay.

Because all it is is you just getting on top of this thing, and there's only a couple of good angles of that. And then you're done, and you go, I'm not doing it again.

Where do you film the content with him?

In my basement, which is glamorous. I got to think of something here, Amber.

I got a pitch.

I got a pitch.

Here's my pitch. And this is a way to do two things at once. We got to get you back into making content. We got to get you back making money. You got to pay for Max. Right. This can't just end up being. You started a thing. It went a little bit sideways. You have a big sex.

Yeah. This can't be the unicycle of fucking.

Yes.

Let's make this work.

But unicycle is close to where I'm going. Garf.

Okay.

Okay. I would put wheels on its back, and I'm going to tell you why. So part of the fun of you filming it, maybe getting some lingerie and film, you doing this to it. Right? So that's its own kink. Women doing construction. I'm sure you're going to pull some numbers on that. Right? Women building. Then once you got it on wheels. Well, part of the fun, you could set up the camera, and you could jump on it and fuck it while you're moving past camera. The game of it is partly movement, right. You can tie its arms to something and pull it up. You can do a little pulley system so you can play with the idea of moving Max, which could be fun. And you could potentially get some little bump in money. And then you could wheel his ass right where the laundry is or a closet, and that door can have a.

Okay, okay.

I like that pitch. I would pitch. Maybe you move somehow, you get a trusty friend over there, and you move Max to your. Sure. You have your own space up there, right? Or somewhere.

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah. I would maybe try to find a way to do the Stavros pitch of covering him up in something in your bed, like, hiding it from the seven year old. If you're like, the basement is kind of dingy and gross, which I get. You don't want to be, like, doing this around paint cans. So I think you could move them to your room. You make more of a show of it, and it just is lean into it. Make it an actual thing. I think you could just, like Jake saying, to separate yourself from other only fans stuff. You could make it like, max is kind of the everyday Midwest guy, and you could be having arguments with him. You could infuse little, like, you know how, like, when you watch porn, there's, like, 13 seconds of plot. You could do a little bit of that. You could kind of, like, reinvent the stories and be like. And just kind of be like, you know what, Max? I'm a little sick of you forgetting my birthday. Whatever it is. Start with that, and then you bang the shit out of Max. So you're infusing a little bit of story into the real doll world that you're creating with him.

But I think, get him out of the basement. Just like any man who's living in the basement. Get him out.

What is that app that you call and for, like, $30, it's called, like, rabbit hunter or something like that, you.

Could get task rabbit.

Task rabbit. What a great task rabbit.

This would be good content for an only fans, too.

You got some kid going, like, $20 to move, 100 pound thing, and then go, what is this?

No questions.

Amber, do you have a bedroom or a room or an office? Something that you could keep your son out of in your house, and then.

You just drape an american flag over him when you're done?

What's the layout of your place? Is this possible? Or is the basement and the bedroom or an upstairs little office all the same? Is this kid going in every room?

No, I try to keep him out of my room.

You do?

But I don't think my fiance would like sharing the bedroom with him.

Jesus Christ.

These m. Night Shyamalan reveals.

What the fuck?

You've been fucking with us this whole time? You knew what you were doing. You were just waiting to drop fiance on us.

And what else?

Let's get this motherfucker moving the doll.

Yeah, the fiance can move. No, he's five foot, 365 pounds. He's got no mouth, though.

Boy, this is all huge. Look at the size of this guy. So, Amber, a three inch dong. Whoa, someone's packing.

Amber, what does the fiance feel about Max?

At first, he was like, why the hell did you buy this? And I told him. He's kind of. I mean, he's supportive, but he's basically.

Amber, you're a dude. We're talking to a dude. Right now, the real call is, how do I convince my fiance it's okay that I have a sex doll in the basement? And because you're a woman, you can create an only fans and make 15? Because if a guy does this and.

He goes, you're absolutely right.

He goes, hey, you know what I did is I started an only fans. We go, how are you doing for business? You'd go, zero, nobody. But then what'd you do? I decided to up the Annie. I got six sex dolls in my basement, but my fiance doesn't like it. I know what that call is. It's just lean into who you are. The only difference is you're female, so you were able to scrape together $1,500.

I think the advice here is still the same. I think to justify the purchase of this doll, you should really lean into the only fans if you're serious about doing it. Otherwise, you just bought a real doll, which is totally fine.

Are you into pushing the only fans? Amber, where you at?

I mean, I wouldn't be opposed to it. I took a little break there. I could probably.

We're trying to push you into onlyfans.

But I got to see if this is. What is it? Did you fade on it because you weren't psyched about the numbers? You weren't psyched about doing it? Does the fiance have an opinion? Where is the only fans gag? Like, where are you at with it? Because I don't get why you got Max and then slowed down on content.

I switched jobs.

Oh, you just lost your. You started making a little bit more money. You lost the time to do it.

Well, not only that, but, like, they're better now. I really do sound like a guy. I sling tires all day long. So coming home and moving him around.

First of all, Amber, you are the best. You're fucking slinging tires. Fucking match. If you tell me you're a Chicago's Bears fan, we're going to lock this thing up.

What do you think of justin fields with oil on your hands and go straight from tire to banging Max, upload it, and just make that your only fans.

Here's what I'm thinking. You were at a different point in your life, right? You had more time, it sounds like, from the numbers that you made, about $3,000. And then you bought. Here's what happened. You bought yourself something you always wanted. You got a part time job to buy a new toy, and that's what this is. And stop. Only fans. Fuck Max when you want to, and.

You'Re good you have a new job.

This is a financial thing, right? You literally did only fans to afford this. And I think we're done here. I think it's like, fuck it.

When you want to put it in.

A closet, when you have enough time, when you feel like it, fuck Max. But when you don't, you earned yourself a fuck doll. A fun little thing to have in your house. It's funny, it's weird, and you wanted it. Let's be honest. Let's stop beating around the bush and that's that.

Your life is.

I agree. I think just upload it when you're done.

So here's going to be the turn. Then what we've kind of said was, I still like my wheels idea, but nobody else seems to. And I'm now understanding it is a little bit weird to put wheels on a toy.

And then, I mean, she works with tires all day. It would be, right.

Amber, now I know you're a badass. I know you could really rig that thing up and make Max just like, a weird robot you could roll around and fuck. I'm not going deeper on my perversion here. I'm not the caller. I'm going to drop this. The idea of getting your fiance to bring it to a bedroom is a no go. You're strong. You're moving tires. I like the idea that you use this business to make a little bit of money. You bought a toy. Great. But then that leads us back to the seven year old son. And so I think, in closing, where I'm kind of seeing this is going personally is we all feel as if you did this. If we were your therapist, we would say you did this because you wanted a sex toy and you deserve it. But maybe go online on Amazon and buy ten different outfits, put them in a Santa outfit in December, put them in an Easter bunny outfit in April, put them in a Star wars suit. And tell your son, this isn't for you to play with. You know, you go to certain people's houses in the.

They would have, like, a dog butler by the door, or at least you saw it on tv. You know what I'm talking about? Like, silver spoons or whatever it was. It would be like a dog butler by the door with a bow tie. And that meant you were rich, right? So you just have that. You have a weird thing downstairs that you dress up every few months. It's a comp, it's a whatever. But that thing is not meant to be played with. It's meant to just be in the background while you're a kid playing a video game in the basement. And that's meant for you, Amber, when you're done fucking throwing on tires like a fucking badass and your fiance is annoying you about the dishes or something else, or you just want to watch the game, and he's yapping in your ear about how was your day? How was your day? And you go, my day was fucking exhausting. I was throwing tires. I don't want to talk about it. All I want to do is get these fucking nuts off. Then you go down in the basement, you fuck the hell out of Max, Amber, because you deserve it.

And then put the Santa outfit back on him. Who cares? Amber, where are you at? Are we all right? Are we close? What are you feeling?

I kind of like the seasonal outfits. It's not a bad.

Listen, and listen. If you want to upload more content, we're not telling you to stop if that's what's in your heart. I just know that it's a lot of work and that it's like friends of mine that do it. It's like it's kind of a part time or full time job. And the ones who make a ton of money, they're fucking working hard. It's crazy. If you want to do it, do it. And, in fact, I think the seasonal outfits will actually help that if you do want to do it. There's nothing like a costume. Again, I have friends who've made a lot of money showing titties on the Internet, and they say you throw a little hat on. Now, it doesn't take much for guys to just jack off in a new way. So the seasonal outfit will help if you want to do that.

True.

And here's the other thing. If seems like you really wanted to fuck Max here and you wanted a doll, the window where your son is even going to buy that, it's just a little statue. The clock is ticking.

18 months, the clock is ticking. He's going to have one friend come over with an older brother. And if they're going to go down the basement, and your son's going to go, like, this is Santa and sometimes Easter budy, and it's going to go, that's a sex toy for your parents.

Hey, I got Santa's look. I made Santa's dick hard by finding this weird drawer.

I mean, no question.

So enjoy it right now. This is Max's prime. Get your money's worth. Get $3,000 worth of nuts off in the next 18 months, and then there might be a freak from your only fans that you could sell this to.

Used.

I was going to say, yeah, that's the only way. Because I don't know the resale value on these things. Because if you bought it for three grand, I don't know a lot of people who are going like, yeah, can I get it for you? You're not going to negotiate. You're not going to go, hey, this thing's pretty beat up in the crotch and face area. I'll give you $600. And you go, like, the back door hasn't been touched. And you go, I can see that. But the front and the face is.

The back door is beautiful.

That's true.

You could sell it to a gay guy.

Used. You're like, exactly right.

You know what I mean?

I'm going to give you a rock star deal.

Yeah.

We are going to give you. And that gay guy is going to go like this. Is he under five? Seven? It's a different market.

Interested. But it's a little weird with all these wheels on the back, I guess.

Amber, thank you for the call. We appreciate it.

Good luck out there.

Thank you guys for your help.

All right. Jake Johnson, Gil Buchanan.

We're back.

We're talking about rocket money, Jake. Rocket money. You know what it's like on your phone. You got a bunch of things you're paying for. You don't mean to be paying for them. You know what I'm talking about, Jake? Yes, of course. You probably got some weird apps on there people don't even know about, some stuff that you probably don't want to share with people, and we're not going to make you. But what rocket money does is it finds these useless products, these useless apps, these things that you're paying for that you don't need to. It finds them and it puts them in a rocket ship and it blasts them out of your galaxy. I mean, I know for me personally, there were a number of things, a number of subscriptions that I was paying for that I was going, hey, Gil, what's going on? By the way, Alice is up my a little bit, going, hey, Gil, we need more money for pot roast. We need more money for pot roast. I'm going, Alice, not now. Focus. There's a household budget and I'm trying to make ends meet as much as I can. I'm getting off topic.

You don't even need to say it, Jakey J, but Rocket money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and then helps lower your bills now, Jake. Do you like high bills? I didn't think you did, budy boy. Neither does Gilly bean Buchanan. Rocket money has over 5 million users and has helped it save. Member Gil. How about your tongue gets involved? Rocket money has over 5 million users that has helped save its members an average of $720 a year with over $500 million in canceled subscriptions. Now think about what I'm saying and stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com help. That's rocketmoney.com help. Rocketmoney.com help. JakeyJohnson, Gil Buchanan. Ones and twos, 68.

And boldness.

Hi.

Hi. Thank you for joining us. We're here to help. You are with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and our special guest today, Stavros Halkius. Hello, Stavros. Thank you for joining us.

Nice to be here.

Stavros is the king of advice. He's the fat rascal from Netflix. So you're probably a little more intimidated than you would normally be for this call. But get your bearings. Hang in the pocket.

By the way, Salvros, what an amazing title of a special. It's so funny. But calling it, even having Gareth right now going, you got the fat rascal.

You got the fat rascal on the horn. What a thank you.

Thank you.

And I do want to say yes. Before we get into it, I do want to say yes. I have done advice, a just want. Let's just get this out there, Gareth. February of this year, you come on Stavi's world, an advice show.

Six months later.

What do I see? What do I see? Going through his phone, found his most famous friend.

My fucking show. You know what we're calling this? You know what he pitched me on this? Garfield's world. Garfy's world. And you know what he wants to be called? The chubby rascal.

Hey, listen, I'm just putting the facts out there and now let everybody analyze it as they may. I'm just saying there's a very uncharitable reading of the last year.

Here's what's the saddest part about that. I'm his most famous friend. Step it up.

This has turned on me so quickly. What I like is we talked off air for about 10 minutes.

That's because he knows how to podcast.

He just. Bro, we were friends.

I was lulling you into comfort.

That's why you're the fat rascal, baby.

Classic fat rascal. Guys, thank you so much for having me? You got it. All right, let's start. Listen to me, you thief.

Oh, you fat rascal stole this.

I agree, though. He needs a live action spiderman, not an animated spiderman. His face has been in a blockbuster, not just his voice.

Well, what we've always said is Jake has a face for animated Spider man.

No, I've got a profile for the front on. I can fake it, but in live action, I have to turn at some point. Yeah.

The only Spiderman who walks backwards out of the room. Okay, can we get your name, pseudonym, acceptable age, roughly, and where you're calling from?

My name is Heather.

All right, Heather.

I'm Heather.

Yes.

And I am 34, and I am in Florida.

Okay, great. And what can we do for you today, Heather? What's going on?

Okay, we're going to go on a little trip real quick. A little background.

Okay.

All right.

So I was set up with this guy, Ryan, and we were set up through mutual friends, and we hit it off really well, which obviously leads to drunk sex. So after the session, we fall straight to sleep. Eventually, Ryan gets out of the bed, and when he does, I feel just warm liquid running down my. And I touch the sheets. The sheets are also damp, like, pretty soaked. And then through the dark, I see this man stumbling to the corner of the room. And he's in the three point stance, like, held up against the wall.

Sure.

And I distinctly hear the sounds of running liquid coming from the corner of the room. And we're at our friends, the friends that set us up, we're at their house. So we're in a room in someone else's home, right? Yes.

He's then just as bad at her house or his.

Well, I don't know. On neutral ground. There's something interesting about that.

Yeah, but a first hookup, even if it's at my house, I'm going to be like, I'm so sorry, Heather. Yes, we fucked. And then I. Diarrhea. You're losing no matter what.

Better for Heather, though, because she can now just be more of an. I mean, it's not great. Obviously, she's not proud of the guy, but she's not going, like, I need to call rug doctor.

I would say it's degrees of losing. There's no winning.

Agreed, agreed.

But her house, it's a next level problem.

Yeah, you're right. Being at a friend's house is the biggest loss, because if it's her friend, she has to go like, no, that guy I fucked last night. And she's like. And he goes, well, not only was he only a medium talent, but he fucking pissed all over your floor. And then she goes, Heather, are you. Yes.

You got to repaint.

All right, keep going.

Oh, weirder.

Interesting.

Sorry.

We take a turn. We take a turn. So I gather up my stuff, I get the fuck out of there. I'm like, this guy just pissed all over me. I'm out. I text my friend, hey, girl. This guy pissed everywhere. I'm out. So here's where it turns. The next morning, she calls me and she was like, hey. So I just checked out the room. Are you sure? And I was like, yeah, literally everywhere. I heard it, I felt it. I saw him in the corner of the room. She was like, well, I went in there and looked. My husband, and I checked it out. There's no scent of pee. There's nothing wet. There's nothing remotely damp. Like, literally no evidence of piss anywhere. And I'm like, what the fuck? And she's like, so are you just weirdly not interested in him and trying to get an easy way out? Like, what's happening?

Escape. This just became a cool movie.

This guy's a hero so far.

Frequently have night terrors, and they're very real and they're not always terrifying. Like, one time I found a basket of puppies in my room. I thought, so sometimes they're fun. But this night terror was humiliating, obviously. In my humiliation, I'm like, fuck this guy. I make him the bad guy. Like, fuck this guy. I hate him.

Whatever. I get what happened. Hold on, hold on, Heather. So you had a dream that he pissed. He got so worked up that you left without saying goodbye, and he didn't, and now you're kind of in the world of what?

Is he even real?

No, he does, in fact, exist. Okay, so fast forward this last section. Fast forward seven months later. Have not talked to this guy in seven months. We run into each other at a party, and I've had some drinks, I'm feeling feisty, and I'm like, hey, Ryan. And he just nods like cold shoulder. He's like, I'm like, this motherfucker, like, you're not going to ignore me? And so last month, Heather. Yeah, last month, we just celebrated our seven year wedding anniversary.

What?

So I married. I married this guy.

This was years ago.

Yeah.

Okay.

Wow.

Okay, so this is our, like, that's your meat cue. Yeah, this is our meat cue.

Phantom pissed on my back. That's how we met. Wait, so this really didn't happen? Because when I'm hearing this, I'm like, you've been gaslit by your closest friends is what I'm thinking here. There's no way to dream piss. But you're saying you clearly dreamed piss.

A wet dream.

If this was eight years ago, that makes a little more sense because you're in your 20s, everyone's dumb and young. They're making shit up. They're leaving. Because now it's like, I'm making sure it's piss. Personally, I think as a 34 year old, you have to do your piss diligence, but as a 20 year old, as a 22 year old, maybe you're whatever you're getting.

Well, she's puppies. She likes.

It's a very different story if you're 35 years old.

Hugely different.

It's a different story.

Yes.

So, Heather, just to get clear, just because this was a wild setup.

Yeah. It feels like we called into your show a little bit.

Agreed. And look, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm just trying to put together what happened. So seven years ago, you hooked up with a guy named Ryan. You fucked. You had a dream that he pissed all over the bed. You left without saying goodbye and continued.

To piss in a three point stance by.

The corner, but you saw it. And then in your dream, you stood up and walked out. But you did that in real life, too.

Oh, yeah, I got.

Because you didn't say goodbye to this guy, you got out of there. So sometime, at a certain point of driving home, you woke up, I'd imagine, and it became real.

I was definitely awake.

You're awake for the leave. The leave happened. You just basically dreamed all the urine. Yeah.

Turns out there's no piss. You see this guy, seven months later, he cold shoulders you. You, for some insane reason, give him attitude about that.

Yeah, this guy?

Are you kidding me? We can go a little bit or move on, but that's a wild ass move I can't wrap.

Wild move.

You fucked him and left in the middle of the night because he fake peed, and then you're mad at everyone that he pissed. Yeah.

And then you're like, what is up this guy's ass?

Wild?

You're clearly the villain, where you're the.

Good guy, you're the villain going like, I'm Batman.

Yeah.

But then, no, I definitely realize I'm the villain.

It's good. But then you court him and you marry him.

Yes.

She's like, by the way. And then the question is, I've been cheating on him the last two years. How do I get out of it?

No. The question is, I've been cheating on the last two years. How do I blame him?

No, how do I blame my night terror? I thought it was an apparition.

So, Heather, what's the question? After this wild setup? Where are we at?

The question is, how can I frame this to people? You meet new people. How did you and your husband meet? I am tired of being like, oh, we were introduced to mutual friends because, I mean, that's boring. And I don't want to be like, well, I thought he pissed on me, and it's a whole wild ride because that's inappropriate in some circles. So I just need some guidance on what would be a nice, happy medium. Or we can just totally go in a different direction and come up with something cool and crazy.

You guys got kids thing?

Yes, we do.

Okay, how old are the kids?

Are you sure? Or are they just like a shared vision?

I don't know. Some days I wonder. We have a five year old, and then I had a child before I met him, so he's 1515 and five.

Now, let me ask you this. Do any of your kids piss the bed? Is there some kind make. Oh, interesting.

That would have been.

They don't.

But they do have night tears very frequently. So I know it's like a craziness that runs in the family, and so.

You don't want to lean in when you tell people, and people go like, how'd you guys meet? What are you saying now when I'm.

Gaging the audience, if it's somebody that can't handle the fun, I'm just like, oh, we just were introduced through mutual friends. That's it. And there's nothing.

Yeah, but you want to have spicier version. See, the problem is you've got a real all or nothing. Like, introduced through friends is very boring. You're right. But your actual one is like. I mean, it gives me a night terror. Like, the idea that you would be like, I dreamt he pissed on me, so I took off after a one night stand, and then I was a real weirdo to him at a party because I made him the villain in the story where I'm the joker.

Yeah.

But then I guess his life was going pretty bad at the time, so he gave me another shot, even though I didn't deserve it, given the circumstances. And here we are.

But, guys, Ryan did not call in Heather.

Yeah, I know.

So we are giving great advice to Ryan, and that is run, Ryan, run. But we are talking. We are talking to Heather. And so, Heather, when you're pitching this is the question is because obviously your real story about what happened is fun for those who like the fun of it. But is it when you're talking to somebody at the school or somebody at work or somebody who's an older relative and you want a better story, like.

Definitely something wild and fun because I'm not a boring person, obviously, I'm a little bit psycho, but I want something with some fun behind it so it's not just the boring stuff.

So, Heather, here's a thought. When you're telling people what's going on, I think we got to lean into the idea that you have night terrors. And I think the origin story has to be about a dream. It might not have to be about Ryan pissing everywhere after. I don't think it can be. Yeah, I agree. I think I like the idea that Ryan's a true psychopath. And we're going to find out later in, like, a news story how dark this is. And so we're going to move away from Ryan being a psychopath on this. But that is an option. So what do you think about telling people leading out with the fact that you have night terrors and part of the connection was via a night terror.

Okay. I mean, still sounds like I'm into some weird shit if I'm like, hey, guys, I just met you. I have night terrors pretty frequently.

Heather, if you want a full lie, here's the problem with the full lie. You're going to paint yourself into further corners. I think you do have to kind of try to find your sanitized version of this one. Otherwise it's like we met bungee jumping. Then it's like, well, where you're opening yourself up to more problems.

Here's one thing I think we can clean up right away, right? You have a branding issue with these night terrors. You call them vivid dreams.

Okay, night terrors.

Okay.

And by the way, I also don't think you know what night terrors are because you said you've dreamt of puppies. That's not a terror. You just do have vivid dreams.

Right?

So you have just these really powerful dreams. And I will say, from a storytelling perspective, that's what kind of threw me for a loop, because I'm ready for a fun piss story, and then all of a sudden it's a dream. Now I'm hearing about somebody's dream, which is the most boring thing of all time. You tricked me into listening about your dream. You know, what?

I mean, you have rebranded.

Yes, but by the way, great branding. Yes, she got us here. But he's right. We need to rebrand, to sell this story.

I think you guys have better ideas than me because I'm staying. We stick with piss.

That's a great option.

Wedding.

The bed is so funny. And then the fact that he's later exonerated because you've laid the groundwork of vivid dream has to come up from the beginning, right? Because to me, I was like, wait, what are we talking about dreams? I thought we're talking about piss. So you need that to be kind of hanging out there. People know you have these vivid dreams, and then you talk about how. Oh, and by the way, talk up the way you met, right? Like, yeah, what happened is your friends set you up. You guys were in your couple of Mike's hard lemonades. You both sucked each other off, right? Not exactly romantic. Talk about how it's the most romantic.

Day of your life.

I'm connecting with this guy, and it was like he's the only one in the room for me. And we're kissing, and the next thing you know, I wake. We have this beautiful night of passion. And I'm like, wow, this could really be something. And then I'm woken up by this warm liquid in the bed. And I'm like, wait, that's weird. And then I see him get up, and I hear this liquid, and I freak out. And I'm like, oh, my God. This night has been. This beautiful moment has been ruined by an adult bedwetter. And then if you really want, listen.

Okay, now if we're getting crazy, get crazy.

You could fucking bring in some doctor character that diagnoses you with weird dreams or something. You know what I mean?

But, Heather, here's what I'm 100% agreeing with him on same. You've set it up wrong, so not wrong in terms of it was fun to hear. But if you want to tell other people, it starts off, how do you guys meet? If your first line is, well, for starters, I have very vivid dreams, and I've always had them. Then he's totally right. You lean into the fun of it so when you get to the piss, you're not confusing everybody. They're able to kind of laugh at you and then see that in months later, you guys rebuilt from that. I don't think this is a bad story for older people or, like, somebody at the school.

That's a sweet got. I think you've got the two versions. And I think what Stavros is saying is right. Is like, look, if you're just at, like, a PTA meeting, just be like, we met through mutual friends. Be done with it. But the story you have really is amazing. I would say if you wanted to cut out anything, if you want to cut out anything, don't say the three point stance. No.

Okay.

We lean into the three point.

Yeah. That's a great visual.

So you just wake up and this guy's pissing. If you don't want to say you got pissed on.

Yeah.

I think you can cut that detail out and you still keep the spine of the story. I think if you eliminate that part.

Right.

That's kind of the weirdest part. Like, if you're talking to people you don't know too well, but then I think when you buy it back with the vivid dreams. Good rebrand. Right? I think you buy it back, and then it is actually a fucking amazing story.

But what do you think of this kind of pitch and that is leading out when you start the story with the fact that you have vivid dreams so that when you say Ryan's in a three point stance pissing in a corner, they're able to see Ryan that way and have a laugh, as opposed to thinking this really happened and take away the idea that the piss was on your back and touching you and leaning into what Savi said of it was really warm at the beginning. It was a great date. You really liked this guy. You knew from the beginning, this is my person. But then you have a vivid dream that he's three point stance pissing in a corner, and you left without saying goodbye. And he felt the same way. He didn't understand why you left. So when you guys saw each other, you both had to get to the bottom of it. You explained the story, fell in love instantly. You've been together ever since.

I love it. Beautiful.

Where are you at, Heather? That feels nice.

It feels nice. It feels like a.

Define Disney.

Yeah. He's piss charming.

Are you going to do it, Heather? Are you going to do that?

Yes.

You are?

Yes. For sure?

Yes.

I can't wait to meet new people.

Much like a great rom.com, the one you wanted the whole time was right there in front of you.

Now try to find a famous friend to be the lead of that. And we got a movie. Everybody, thank you for the call. We appreciate you.

Thanks, guys. Good to talk to you.

We're here to help is hosted by.

Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKee. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John de Bruyne.

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