This is a Headgum podcast.

And here we are again.

We are back. All right. Another episode.

We got a fun one.

Yes, absolutely. We have a guest.

We have the great Mary Holland.

Who is fantastic. I know her, well, from a number of things, but she was on Who? Yes. A bunch and was the most versatile voiceover actress.

I've worked with Mary. I believe she was on New Girl, too, but I've worked with her a bunch. She is always somebody who can do everything.

Yeah, and she's in your film, Self Reliance, now on Hulu.

Now on Hulu, I wrote it with her in mind. She was one of the first people I want to cast. I knew if I had her in the family, and I told her this, that I knew the family was going to work.

Yes, which it does.

Because she can be really tough while being funny. If it went one way too much in either direction, I didn't think it was going to work tonally. She's great. She is a home run and really great on this show.

And what a problem. What a problem. Two problems. Yeah, but the- Agreed. There's one that- Agreed.

Then the Garfman has a tour coming up.

That's right. Jake, you're not the only one who's hit pay dirt in the Hollywood business. I myself have also been crushing. I'm going to be going everywhere starting February 26th. You can join me on the road. You can go to garethrentals. Com for any of these tour dates. I'm going to be in Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Denver, Wichita, Springfield, Missouri, Des Moines, Iowa, Kansas City, Tulsa, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Houston, Austin, San Antonio, Lafayette, New Orleans, Madison, Milwaukee, Chicago, Cleveland, and then there's more to come. It's a lot. Go to garethrentals. Com if you want to for any of those shows.

If you're a fan of the show, we ask you to go support the Garfman. Also, please check out our YouTube. Our numbers are shockingly embarrassing.

Yes, we're mortified.

We're doing really well on audio and we love you for it, but we're doing two kids from the suburbs of somewhere. It's Wayne's World. We're doing Wayne's World on YouTube. Hey, man, check out our show. We're in a studio.

But it's good. It is very fun to watch the show, especially when we have guests on it and all that. But we really do appreciate everyone talking about the show and telling each other.

We thank you for supported and listening and telling your friends what you have. Then we're hoping we got some younger people who like YouTube. Yeah, go on YouTube. We're going to have 80 views.

If not, We're going to Rumbble or Twitch. Don't make us do this. What the hell is Rumbble? Jake doesn't even know what it is. Anyway, we appreciate it. Enjoy the episode. It's a great one. And without further ado.

Welcome to the show. We're here to help.

Hi.

Hi. Can I get your name, please?

Leila.

Leila. Where are you coming from, Leila?

Nashville, Tennessee.

Nashville. What's your age?

I'm 24.

24. You're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and a Phil Hartman type actress who I've worked with many times and I adore. She is in the movie Self Reliance, which I directed, and I'm in. Her name is Mary Holland.

Hi, Mary. Hi, Leila.

My parents live in Franklin, Tennessee. So anyway.

There was a I was there where I thought she wasn't going to be into it. There was like, I'm lying. I was going to be like, All right, so anyway, should I get to my problem? Is Mary okay?

I'm good. I'm good. I can name any town in any state.

Hey, Mary, give us three more cities in Tennessee.

All right, Leila. What are you calling about today, Leila? What can we help you with?

Okay, so originally when I reached out, I had a dilemma where I'm dating this guy. We've been dating for around four months. He came over for the first time, and we were getting busy. Now, we were just warming up, and I was like, Oh, I have to use the restroom really quick. Rant to the bathroom, came back, and like, Okay, we're great. He goes, Oh, I have to go, too. So I'm Okay, that's fine. That's fine. Whatever.

Very understanding of you.

It's very related.

You say that like he said something weird. He just said he had to do what you just did.

I also will move. Wait.

Oh, that's fine. That's fine. Very cool, Leila.

I'm super chill with people using the toilet. I'm one of these girls. Go for it.

You're hooking up. Leila, let's give this guy a name just so we can have something to refer to him as.

Let's call him Mark.

Mark. With a K or a C. Who cares? But I do. Yeah, it's weird.

We're going to say two Cs.

You said 2 Cs? You're a lunatic.

You guys are in a weird standoff.

The two of you, what you've just done to Mark, standard name, now it's Mark's.

Yeah, exactly. Laila, hold on. The fact that you said, Casually, we're going to go with two Cs means you're a true mania.

Hey, fuck it. Can I add a K? That's M-A-R-C-C-K is Mark boy.

I like that.

Okay, so You're with Mark. You're hooking up. Just warming up. Warming up, probably. Clothes are still on.

But you just grang. Yes. Easy. No. We were past that.

No. Listen, listen, listen. Okay, listen. This is important. My bed is all white because, yes, it comes from the bathroom.

Wait, hold on. Can we just enjoy that detail for a moment?

The bed is all white.

Yeah, that's a great-Oh, God. We call it set up.

Okay, so the bed is all white.

That's what they call it set up. I don't think it's going to stay that way for long.

I don't think it's going to stay in that way.

And we're All right, Leila. This is the show. That's it. Thanks so much. You've got the white bed. Mark comes back.

Yes, all the clothes are off. I'm doing something on him, but he's sitting down and doing something to him, obviously. He gets up so he could take his position. I see something dark on the seat. In the grow of my bathroom, I see something dark on the seat. I'm like, Oh, crap. Maybe I started my period on this, effectively. So I click on the light because these are expensive sheets. It's the marks of booty cheeks. That's what they call them marks. And the ground did in the middle.

What?

And I'm like, Where he was sitting.

Like a dog with worms.

When you said the marks of booty cheeks. I just want to make sure I have that correct.

Well, you are a doctor.

You always have. We also have a title for the episode.

I always have been a doctor. The booty cheeks. Are you saying there's an imprint or Or did the booty cheeks also leave a stain?

No, the booty cheeks left a stain. Dirt marks where the cheeks are and in between the cheeks, the dirt marks.

No.

Dirt marks. Wait, wait. Just to be clear, because it sounds like we're tracking a Yeti, so there were the dirt marks on the booty cheeks, but then are you suggesting also there was a trail from the center?

Yeah. It went right in the….

You could literally see a silly piece of a- Different colors? Just so I could be very… Different colors.

Wow. Okay, I got to get out of the weeds. Guys, I got to get out of the weeds on this. I have a soft stomach and I'm thinking of barfing.

Okay, do it on my white bedding.

So, Leila, I need to know before we dive deep into this, is this 100% true?

1,000% true. I wish it wasn't.

We're 100% with you now. You're in a world of hurt. This is disgusting. As your friend, because you call it- And you were just on him. I'm sorry this happened to him. Your body was touching his body. You were being romantic. You were being kind. And he leaves in a shit stand.

Generous. Generous. I would even say. Generous. As a lover.

It gets worse. It gets worse. It gets worse. It's great. Keep going, sweet Laila. I'm sorry to hate Mark with two seeds in a fucking K. Wipe your fucking ass, Mark.

All right, Jake. Let her keep going, bud. I'm getting hot. You are.

Laila, I'm with you. I hate this fucking noise.

We're all with you.

But if you're going to take a dump at a lady's house, take a shower.

All right. You animal. All right. I don't know.

I think I'm against her. I'm just kidding.

I thought you were going to say you were against the shower post-dump when you're getting mad.

I'm against it.

I think it's the most me I can give you.

Let's hear Mark's philosophy out a little bit. No, I'm just kidding. Keep going, Leila.

Okay. Okay, so the lights come on. Notice the booty. We just staring at each other for a second, but back at the spot. And in dead silence, I just take the seat off my bed to go spot clean it because there is a space of seats, and I really care about my bedding. I'm just silently rubbing the seat, and he starts to digress. I was like, We can just talk about it later.

And he just left. Oh my God.

What was your read of him? Was he proud?

Was he- Is that really your question? I'm glad we got a doctor in here. Yes, I can answer for it. He was very proud.

Did you high five him when he put his hand up for the high five?

I think what he said is, Why are you cleaning up my shit, Stan?

Where are you Where are your marks, lover? Where are your marks, lover?

Oh, my God. Where are your marks? But did he seem ashamed? Yeah. Did he seem mortified?

He was mortified. I couldn't care about his feelings because my different cotton sheets had blue on it.

I love how much you love these sheets. I agree.

Did the stains come out? Just to jump ahead and then we'll get back in. Were you able to get the stains out?

Mostly, there's a faint memory of him.

He ruined Leila, he broke those sheets. That's how.

We call it ghost turd in the afterlife business. Go ahead, Jake.

What is the- I got this.

What is the- Mary, I've got this.

He doesn't. Mary, I'm doing great.

I know.

What is the question here? Because all I see is you're a lady who lost some sheets and they're expensive.

And a man.

He's dead.

Here's the question. We ended up meeting later for coffee so we could talk about it.

Wait, you did?

Why are you feeding this man coffee of all beverages? He's a leaky spouse.

I wanted to get the answer. Why? I needed it answered. Why would you reach out?

Hold on. Did you reach out to him after or did he reach out? Walk us through that, please.

I reached out to him because he was obviously too ashamed I'm an understanding person. What did you say? I just said, Hey, let's grab coffee, and maybe we could just chat. I didn't want to be broad.

I didn't want to say- I like that play. That's very nice.

Then what happened at the coffee? Will you walk us through that?

I finally bring it up, and he's just like, What? I thought I went too good. I'm like, What did you just say to me? Then he explained further that he was never taught how to properly clean his body and that he doesn't like to touch his butt, so he tries to do it as little as possible.

Wait, he tries to do as little as possible? Is it crazy?

This is a turn I didn't expect.

This is a crazy toilet philosophy.

Touch his butt.

I'm thinking, Here's my other woman now. Do I come up with some anal cleaning curriculum here, or do I just this man see? Because I'm wondering- Oh, you're thinking about his life. I'm like, should I just help him out?

You're done with him.

No, she's just thinking about him as a human.

Yeah, but I mean, as far as a romantic partner, that is over.

Well, no. Yeah. But you're going to think he never smells bad or anything.

He's so nice. You heard his philosophy, do as little as pot. This is not long term.

Hold on. And Laila, I do think he pooped on your sheets. Yeah. And so I think at that point, this is the- I don't What do you mean you don't know?

Jake. I don't know. Jake.

I don't know.

Jake.

He didn't know the other. He doesn't smell bad, and he was raised poorly, and the poor man just doesn't like to touch his own butt.

Okay, well, let me ask you this. Kevin's got that issue. All right, not the hook of the show. Stop it.

Kevin hasn't wiped in two years.

I have never seen him touch his own butt. There.

He's told me. He goes like this, Why would I want to touch my own butt hole? I go, To wipe. He's like, Eew, it's a butt hole.

Yeah, and then he's scooted away. Let me ask you this, Leila. Does any part of you think that if you could fix this, you would want to get back into this? That's the right question. Do you feel like you got a good guy except for this?

You know how they say certain women like to see men as projects? Yes.

This would be a big project. This is big. This is a foundation.

Is he a project or are you just trying to help him on planet Earth?

Well, I feel like both. It depends because I think if we all come together and create a solid curriculum, he could come on the other end of this so clean because by now, I feel like it's... Listen, because you have such a good character, so it's a battle of feminists versus character. You see what I mean?

I do.

If you come up with a curriculum, I would like for you to send that to me.

Well, we're going to come up with it right now. We're going to come up with the pitch of how to get there.

I've got some stuff.

So, Leila, here's what I think we can help you with. If this is not the right pitch, then you tell us, okay? We're going to try to figure out how you can talk to Mark and teach him how to clean his ass while not humiliating him keeping the option of, If you clean that ass, I'll finish what I started. Title idea.

Jake only speaks in titles now.

When it's there, it's there. What do you think of what- That's what Mark said. What do you think of that idea of what we can help you with? Is that why you're calling in?

Yes, you guys. Help me get them back to the flat.

Okay. Okay. So quickly, you Just so we know a little bit, how much of these sheets cost, roughly?

$150 for the flat sheet.

For the flat sheet alone?

That is crazy.

I say it's important to know that because those mean a lot to you. Eventually, that's going to have to come back for you to fully forgive them and move on. They just are. No, that's true. This is going to be two years later and you're going to be in a fight and you're going to go like, Disgusting ass piece of shit, $150 shit. You got to get that back.

By the way, I would just say if I were him, I would also consider that this couldn't work because you do have the Trump card for any argument. Oh, good. It would be bad.

I taught you how to wipe your butt.

Yeah. Well, at least I wipe my hat. You're like, All right.

I also just want to say quickly, Leila, I love that you invest in your betting. Okay, keep going. Yes, agreed.

So, Leila, when he talked about his childhood and how he was taught, what did he say specifically?

His parents never physically showed him how to shower. How to shower? He had to actually figure… Well, I clean body. So he has to figure it out by himself. So his philosophy, this is what he was supposed to do. After he pokes, he wipes once, and he thinks that has everything out. Even in the shower, when he cleans his blood, he wipes once. Sorry.

This is a caveman.

Hold on. Just so I can do a little math. We get one wipe after the act.

That's it.

And then in the shower, we get one wipe.

But if he takes a shower.

And so at no point are we ever- Check in.fully- Clean. Clean.

I'm going to tell you what, he's going to love you for teaching him how to do this. It feels better to be clean. Now, the other thing I'm going to say is this. A lot of times when relationships begin, I know in my relationship with my wife, we still laugh about how I lived. I was in Hollywood, I was on a futon. She said that I had a down blanket that had holes in it. She said, I put the blanket over us and feathers were a little feathers went everywhere.

That's like a It's a magic show.

I love that.

That's celebratory.

It's like doves. The joke she'll have is you went from basically living in the woods. I used to think that Pepsi was the same as water. Oh, boy. And that pasta was very healthy. So a lot of relationships do start with a version. That's true. Let me civilize you a little. This is an extreme one, but Mark has not learned how to wipe his goddamn ass.

And to Mark's credit, he came to this coffee day. And was honest. And was honest. And another thing I'd like to say is, I don't, and maybe I'm the Mark, but I don't- Please tell me you wipe your ass. I never do. It's self-cleaning.

I don't know if my parents ever walked me through how to take a shower.

I think at a certain point, you piece that together.

Yeah, but here's- No water and just a little bit of soap. We all get there when we get there.

Here's Here's what I would say, Leila. You seem to like this guy's character. You seem to think he's a potential winner. I would potentially, rather than sit down with them face to face and explain how to do it, maybe send him a YouTube video.

Love that.

Start off and just say, I want you to watch this and I want you to do it. You could also say, I'm willing to be with you, not in the bathroom, but be with you when you do it because I'm going to walk you through this, Mark, because I care. Now what you're entering a world of real intimacy between you two, a real team.

I also just want to put out there, what a cute story for your wedding.

What a not cute story.

Can you imagine?

Mary, will you do the speech as the bridesmaid. Yeah, of course. Leila, you just got married to Mark, and now we'd like to bring up Leila's best friend, Mary Holland.

Hi, everyone. First of all, Leila and Mark, I'm so happy for you. Love you both so much. Listen, we all know the road to true love never runs smooth, but sometimes it runs a little too smooth.

Am I right, Mark? I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. For those of you who don't know, Mark- Keep going.

Keep going. You're on a wet end.

Mark, well, basically, they were warming up. They were hooking up. They were warming up, and they both went to the I'll just walk you through it. They were dating, or they went on a date, and it was like things were good. Layla has got nice sheets, okay? If you know anything about Layla, that's my girl, if you know anything about her, you know that she loves her bed. We all do. But Laila really takes care of it. And so Mark pooped on it. And you know what? Anybody else, and this is a testament, and I know everybody's telling me to shut up right now, but this is But this is a testament. Let me finish. This is a testament to their love because Leila, anybody else in that situation, would write Mark off and say, Never again. This person pooped in my bed. All right. But anyway, give me the mic. But Layla said, No, I'm going to help this person because I really see a future. Shit, smash. Oh, dumb. I really see a future with him. Anyway, I think it's wonderful, and I love you guys.

To Mark and Leila. I think it's a very uncute origin story. I love it. Especially, then you taught him how to wipe his butt. But I think there's something about the YouTube video. I think there's something about being honest and clear in saying, If you're into this, I can show you how to wipe, but you got to do it if we're going to be real. Where are you at, Leila, in terms of where we're talking right now?

I'm thinking I'm definitely going to do the video idea. I thought maybe it could be cute, too, if we shower together.

That's cute. Hold on. He has a dirty ass.

I was just going to say, let's make that a secondary, third At some point, you have to relay the message very clearly that your ass needs to be clean. It just is a given.

Are you going to be outside the door, shouting instruction.

Kevin, do you have internet access? Yes. Will you Google really fast or go on YouTube and see if there are videos. I got them all up, Jay.

You do? No, I don't. Just go to your history.

But they were up before, right? Yes.

You do a side podcast.

We're going to look at something right now- Swipe up. And see if they're swip up. Oh, boy.

He comes in and he nails it.

Front to back?

Yeah.

See if there's a video of anything there that we could send her away, because what I would love you to do, Leila, is send this to him, and then I think I would like a follow-up with both you guys. Kev man, do we have anything teed up?

Yeah, there's a video called Skid Marks, and we'll send that your way. That's a DJ. Do you have anything?

So here's what we recommend, Leila. We recommend you send in this video. The question to you is, do you want an email teed up or do you want to just send that cold?

Teed me up an email, please.

Okay. Let's start that email. Does anybody want to start it, Mary?

Oh, gosh. Hi. How are you? Okay. Good. I hope you're well. Great. I'm doing okay. Moving on.

We're really- Getting in the weeds of the high. What have you been up to lately? Okay, go on. He can't answer.

Got to get into that. I happen to... I don't know if you know me, but you probably don't.

Okay. No, he knows you.

Then I'll link to my MDB. Then I'll say, Listen, I think that this This video could be helpful for you.

I like it. I like that.

You don't have to respond. Okay.

I like that. What do you think of something like that? Obviously, shave the first weird nine questions. Do you like Chetter cheese? Is this your email?

What did your dad do for work?

You can't just launch right into it. But you could.

You could say they had a talk, they had a coffee. I think you could.

Well, yeah, I think you get... I mean, I think just like, Hey, listen, you know I really...

I thought you were about to vape, young lady.

That would be amazing.

I was going to really see you differently.

He's getting high as shit. He's really high. I'm so high right now. I think like, Hey, Mark, look, for our conversation when we had coffee, I really care about you. I want to help you a little bit. I think, just watch this video. Again, there's no judgment here. I just really want to help you and I care about it. Something like that.

That's nice.

Then, Hey, who are you?

Then what you could also do is, If this is helpful, would love to see you again. Because then you're basically saying, Learn to wipe that ass, and I'll go on another date, but I can't. If you're going to ruin my sheets. What do you think of that, Leila?

I think this is perfect. Thank you guys so much.

Let's see what we have, Leila. Let's do the email, let's do the YouTube, and then will you follow up with us on his response?

Definitely. Okay.

Thank you for the call. Mary Holland, thank you for being here.

Yes, thank you, Mary.

Thank you for having me. Leila, thanks for sharing.

Then remember, if you two do get married, Mary's got to come in.

I'm ready with the maid of honesty.

See you, Leila.

Thank you.

All right, Jake Jots in.

Gil Buchana, we're back. We're talking about Rocket Money. Jake, Rocket Money. You know what it's like on your phone, you got a bunch of things you're paying for. You don't mean to be paying for them. You know what I'm talking about, Jake? Yes. Of course, you probably got some weird apps on there. People don't even know about some stuff that you probably don't want to share with people, and we're not going to make you. But what Rocket Money does is it finds these useless products, these useless apps, these things that you're paying for that you don't need to. It finds them and it puts them in a rocket ship and it blasts them out of your galaxy. I know for me personally, there were a number of things, a number of subscriptions that I was paying for that I was going, Hey, Gil, what's going on? By the way, Alice is up my A a little bit going, Hey, Gil, we need more money for pot roast. We need more money for pot roast. I'm Alice, not now. Focus. There's a household budget, and I'm trying to make ends meet as much as I can.

I'm getting off topic. You don't even need to say it, Jakey Jay. But Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and then helps lower your bills. Now, Jake, do you like high bills? I didn't think you did, buddy boy. Neither does Gilly B. Buchana. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has helped it save members. Well, Gyl, how about your tongue gets involved? Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has helped save its members. An average of $720 a year with over $500 million in canceled subscriptions. Now, think about what I'm saying, and stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney. Com/help. That's rocketmoney. Com/help. Rocketmoney. Com/help. Jakey Johnson, Gil Buchana, Ones and Twos, 68 and Bolder.

Hi. Hi. Welcome to the show. Here to help.

Hello.

Hey, you're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and one of the stars of the movie I directed, Self Reliance, and somebody who I adore on and off screen, Ms. Mary Holland. Hi. One of the stars of Hoops as well that Gareth was an executive producer writer on. One of the actresses on New Girl, which Gareth was on. One of the actresses in a sprint commercial that I directed.

A sprint commercial that took place at a barbershop?

And I think that and Stevie Bird was in it. That's right. I remember that one. I think that was all the credits we've done together.

The first of many.

The first couple of many. The first couple of many. Can I get your name, please?

Emily.

Emily. How old are you, Emily?

I am 40 years old.

Atta, girl. Where are you calling from?

I'm calling from the large state of Texas.

Texas.

You're talking east, west, north, south. Gareth is a big Austin guy.

Just went to Austin. It was there yesterday. What a town. Where are you?

I'm in the west.

West. West Texas.

That is good for me.

What can we do for you today?

I would like some help navigating a situation that my sisters and I find ourselves in. Our parents will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Wow. Coming up soon.

Congrats to Mom and Dad.

Well, yeah, they made it to gold. I know.

It's 50 gold. Congratulations to them. My mom has been starting to plan it. It'll probably be in 2025 because that would be 50 years. That makes sense. She has it in her mind that she had it in her mind that she would like my sisters and I to lip sync or sing and dance to Sister Sledge's We Are Family.

Oh, my God. That is a big ask.

I like mom.

Lip sync or you can sing.

Hey, that's an option, too.

She wants you and how many sisters- If we're feeling brave. Emily, how many sisters do you have? Two sisters. She wants the three of you to sing We are Family.

Yes. I'm pretty convinced it's only for that one line, I've got all my sisters with me.

Of course. Also, we are family. The first half is pretty great, too. That's appropriate, too. Yes. Yeah, okay.

So she wants- Or it could even be everyone can see we're together as we walk on by. Yeah, go ahead.

How much of it do you know, Garf? Wait a minute.

Let it rip a little bit.

Wait a minute. Let her lose. Just like birds of a feather. I don't tell no lie. All of the people around us that say, Can we be that?

Is this the song? Yeah. It doesn't sound like anything I've ever heard. It's a different for the record. It started, but then your face got really red and your eyes-Well, because I was watching you and your reaction was horrible. But your eyes got aggressive. Your eyes got scary.

Well, you're shouting it. Remember, this is a song about- You were saying we are a family, but your eyes said, I'm going to kill you. I've always imagined this drunk at a Christmas. Yes. You're just going like, We are family. No, that's not what it's called. All right, we'll cut that out and we're Rating.

First of all, Emily, I'm sorry for- I'm very sorry.

I don't feel good. I feel bad. I'll be totally frank with everybody.

I'm not happy.

I think I threw my back out.

It was shockingly aggressive.

It was bad. It was scary. Yeah, I'm pissed. There is blood. I don't know where it's coming from. I'm located soon.

Why are you mad?

I don't know. Something happened. I have a lot of family trauma from when I was a child, and I guess I'm fearing. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, Mary.

Thank you so much. I was waiting for someone to apologize to me.

I am very sorry, too.

Well, Jake already did it. Okay.

That's a tough one to hear.

Emily, we are going back to you. We are getting away from the Garfman.

Absolutely. Smart call.

Your mother and father are having their 50th anniversary, and mom wants you to sing We are family with your sisters. I know that song. Continue.

She approached each of us individually, but then we have our own text chain to be like, Mom, just ask We were already knowing that the question was coming, and we each other's told, they're like, This is not something we're really comfortable doing. It sounds really awkward for us. It seems like it would be really awkward for the people who were in the audience. It's weird.

It's also her day, though, so keep going.

It is her day.

I got to tell you, when she gave birth to you, she wasn't like, This is really fun for me.

I'm I'm looking in my ball and seeing.

Oh, I have to spread my legs in front of a doctor. This is a tad awkward. Oh, you're ripping through my vagina. I'm loving this. All right. I did it for you, so keep going.

I propose- Yes. As maybe karaoke. Okay, let's just turn this into something silly that everybody is doing. Oh, that's a fun idea. Everybody is doing everybody take a turn. She did not like that idea.

I'm with mom. What's your mom's name, by the way? Who I like more than you right now? All right, Jake. I'm in the mom. Emily, what's mom's name?

Her name is Connie. Connie.

Sweet Connie. I'm 100% on Connie's team You then said a karaoke version, which is just putting a bunch of cream and coffee and calling it coffee. You got sugar and cream and they're doing it. What's what- Jesus Christ. I'm getting too hot. You want to know why I'm getting hot? Emily, you want to know why?

Everyone can See. Sorry. Go ahead.

Maybe give it a little love and there's something there. Emily, you want to know why I'm so with Connie right now? Why is that? Because she asked you and told you clearly what she wants, and you guys said, Yeah, but no.

What's the holdup? She's embarrassed. Well, is that it? I mean, it does- Is it stage fight? Yeah. What is it? How deep does this go?

I mean, it's not something that the three of us would be comfortable doing. We are trying to actively- Which would be funny.

We are actively- How many people are we expecting at this event?

I don't have an idea on numbers, except my mom is inviting a lot of our family, which is a pretty big family. You're grownups.

You're adults.

We're adults.

I have one more question.

I would say probably like 100 people. Okay, I hear.

Okay.

Emily, are there other performances at this celebration? Or is there a band? Are there other performances, or is this the only performance?

I think that she is envisioning some speeches and stuff like that. I don't have an idea that it's going to be a dance party or anything like that. I don't think that it's going to be that. It seems like it's going to be a dinner, and then there's going to be talking.

Then they're going to do the clinking of the glasses.

We are clinking glasses as you do. You're going to close it down. This is what I get is that ours would be the only musical performance.

Where in the program would it come? Did she specify The peak.

No, all we did- Three quarters deep. Okay, let her- She talked about it. I know what Gargi wants. Each of us told her gently, No.

I'm going to lose my shit. I'm going to lose my shit. I'm at a 10 out of 10 Did she seem upset when you told her no? Disappointed.

But I think that we get points. I think that we get points for trying to come up with something. We also asked- What?

Hold on. Go ahead, Emily. Go. Fuck. Emily, go ahead. In what world, Emily? Jake, you're not Connie. Jake is far deep in character as Connie right now.

Honestly, Emily, honest to God-He's got a shal on somehow. I'm fighting tears.

Where are you going to shal from?

Because I'm not mad at you. Right.

Well, are you sure?

I'm just hurt.

All right, Connie. Emily, what was the counter pitch that you and your sisters gave?

Car karaoke. I suggested karaoke, and she did not like that idea. Then my older sister suggested that, Oh, what if we each just take a speech? She was like, Okay, that's fine. But you can tell she's not excited about it. I want to think of something that is exciting. This is a good call. The middle ground between something super serious, like a speech, and something ridiculous.

Emily, can I? I got to pitch. Garf, you go first. No, go ahead. No, you go. Okay.

What you did, the speech pitch actually could end up helping us because you have now set expectation very low. You've gone from a musical celebration to like, What if we all spoke? She didn't like that. The bar is low. Maybe what you do is without telling her you're going to do this, the three of you could get up there to start a speech, and then you could have a backing track, and you don't have to sing it, but you can start playing the song, and you can get the name and email of every guest there and let them know at some point during the ceremony, everyone is going to have to say, We are family. You three can start it, and then everyone will support you throughout it, and then you all can sing it to them. Everyone could get up.

It could be- Such a fun surprise for her, too. I love that. My picture is going to be something similar where it was like, you could stand up to make your speech, but you slowly bleed into the lyrics of the song.

Oh, that's cool, too. That's a good start. The three of you can- But then it can build to that. Yes, the three of you can start a speech that's a little regular and then start with the lyrics slow, and then the music comes up. She would love that. You sing a little bit and then everybody joins in.

Can I ask you a question, Emily? Yes.

Could you- This is Connie or Jake we're talking to. What's the difference? All right.

Could you give us a little taste. Just get over the anxiety and the weirdness and give us a little taste of how you would sing We Are Family. Just push it. Everybody can do it. Nobody likes this feeling you have. But once you start, it's happening. Worst case scenario, we're going to tease you. Who cares? We tease each other all the time.

We don't expect you to have the voice of an angel.

Just go for it a little bit, just so we can know what we're working with. On three, two, one, action.

We are family. I've got all my sisters with me.

This is great. Yes.

Hold on. You're fine.

You got to do it. Shoulder shimmies in there, too.

Shoulder shimmies. Shoulder shimmies, forget it.

This is what I would say. Okay. I think the best version is what we came up with, but just to put a finer point on it. A small little speech just to tee up the magic of this moment. Yes. Then each of you takes part of the lyrics from the first verse, and your mother's going to be like, huh? Then the three of you together start with the We are family, and then everybody joins in.

Then everybody joins in. Oh, Emily, it would bring the house down.

Oh, Emily. Emily, what do you think about that idea? Because first of all, you sang, you were fun. We got it. I was pretending I was at the event. I'm charmed. I think Connie would love it. What do you think about starting with a little speech where you tell your mom, you don't feel comfortable, you'll do a speech. She's a little disappointed, but you say, Sorry, we're just not doing it. Speech starts. It's pretty sweet. I like Mary's idea of a line starts getting muttered, the early lyrics of it. Then one of you does the really hard transition, whichever sister is the bravest.

Everyone can see that we're together. Even as we walk on by, Emily. Yeah, that's true. We walk like birds of a feather. I won't tell no lie.

All of the people are right.

You gestured everybody to stand up. Because also, Emily, and I know we just asked you what you think of it, and then we cut you off. But I do want to say- Welcome to the show, Mary.

This is it.

I do want to say, also, if the worry is about, Oh, all eyes will be on us, all eyes will be on you anyway when you're making speeches. Then it's fun because it's communal. It's like church. You're singing a hymn.

What do you think, Emily? Would you consider selling your sisters on this idea to give your sweet mother the moment that she wants? It's a sweet moment I've been trying to give to Pam for a long time.

All right. That's my mother, Mary. Okay, go ahead, Emily. You were saying something.

What do you think, Emily? Go ahead.

I do like this idea very much. You do? I don't think that we all have stage, right? I think that maybe it would be awkward to stand there and sing the whole song. I agree.

I hear you.

It would be awkward to stand there and do it sincerely like it's a good version where people go like, What the fuck am I watching?

These three sisters are nuts. What we're giving you is the Hollywood ending because we've planted the seeds, and then here is a version that's a little bit- This is my best friend's wedding.

This is that moment.

You could also send it to everybody in the crowd besides your mom and dad and say, When we get into it, please sing with us. My mother asked for us to do it, and we want to show her that we are all family, and we all love her and your dad. But we are all family to this group. We're all sisters. We're all sisters, even the men.

I would do a secret email. I would try to email everyone the lyrics so people are prepared for this as well.

I think that's really fun. Emily, do you think you're going to do it?

I'm going to try really hard. You have a year. I'll probably have to get my dad in on it. Sure. I don't know who all they're going to invite. Yes, I think that's fair. But my mom loves surprises way more than my dad does. Perfect.

This is it.

This is it.

Play this for your dad and your sisters.

What do you think? Will you try to pitch your family and then get back to us? If you need more help, we're on your team. If not, if you just got it, then just follow up with us.

Okay, I will.

This is going to work big.

I love this idea. This is going to work big. We're so excited, Emily.

This is big. This is a winner.

All right. Thank you all so much. I really love this idea. All right.

Guess what, Emily, we can both admit now we were fighting at the beginning, but now we're close. What an arm. What an arm we found.

I was really nervous.

Emily, we were at each other's throats.

No, she was not at... You were at her throat. But guess what? We got all our emotions out and now we're close. What did we get into back there. This is you. Yeah, I guess. All right. I'm exhausted. Emily, we're going to have to let you go.

I love you so much, honey. Let's talk really soon.

All right, buddy. All right. Thanks, Emily. Jake's a little lost. Whatever happened.

Thanks a lot. Bye, sweetheart. Love you, honey.

Stop calling her Sweetheart. Thank you. Thanks, Emily.

Bye, baby girl. Bye, my daughter.

All right. Not your daughter. You're a man. All right. Go ahead. You're not Connie. Thanks.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson.

And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is AJ Our social media director is Kaitlyn Tanwaquio, and our video editor is John De Bruyne.

The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you could check out his music at Oliverrali. Com. That's Oliver-R-A-L-L-I. Com.

The album artwork is by James Fostyke. You can find him on Instagram at james_fosteik, D-I-K-E. If you'd like to see me do standup on the road, go to garethreindalds. Com.

If you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod@gmail. Com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

That was a hate gum podcast.