Let her rip, Lauren. Does this is not not a wild online blanket. Oh, for the video, people, oh, fucking shit, yeah, I've got audio people, we invented the blanket. Roll the intro.

You ready? Yep, let's go.

Hey, guys, welcome back to Well Till Nine, our weekly pod hosted by myself, hosted by Jeremy Lewis and his girlfriend and girlfriend, girlfriend, present girlfriend here.

Like I was saying, for audio listeners and also video listeners, this is not not a while till nine blanket that we are currently a product testing that is sitting on my lap and it's pretty small.

Did you get a little money from Grandma over Christmas? You may be feeling the winter coulis or do we have a product for you? The winter cuz.

They would you chillers to Chili's?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, I am a I'm queen of all blankets and so it felt appropriate to make a well tonight we're still we're still some product testing. MU has to give it a full snuggle of approval.

So we're going to do it. I don't know. I just don't feel that's right. I don't want price on it. Yes. Yes. All the things, all the things got us.

So we're where we need to we need to do a little test her first.

So far so good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You knock on the bathroom while I was going numero dos and said I was shitting in the open the door and we have something to tell you this morning and see right now what, what, what could possibly be so important. And you were like, I have the blanket and I'm like I go away.

Don't understand why you wouldn't open the door so I could show you the blanket. That is that is there is literally nothing of higher priority. And I'm still not clear on why that happens.

We do actually have something to talk about today. Welcome back. Happy almost New Year for the year. Listen to this on time. And for those who are listening to it in twenty twenty one, better late than never, but also like, oh, this is my favorite week of the entire year.

Care to elaborate? Yes, the week between Christmas and New Year's and obviously this year's a little bit different because, um, what why?

Um, because we're in a worldwide fucking pandemic and we can't get our shit together.

But this is the week of no emails. This is the week of no one working. And you get to be an absolute degenerate with no guilt because there are days when I'm for sure a degenerate and I just ignore everything.

But there's still a level of guilt there because I know people need things for me. And this is the one week of the year where everyone shut the fuck up and you can sit on the couch for seven straight days and do nothing unless you're in the service industry.

But yeah, that's great. Oh my God. Literally, the amount of Christmas Eve that I worked in a grocery store, I feel I feel, I feel for everyone in the service industry for sure. Right.

But for everyone is not in the service industry. And we don't mean to exclude you. Happy degenerating to degenerate weak, degenerate weak. So it feels weird that I got to walk everyone through my background in a way that I like. No one kind of knew my story right a couple of weeks ago. And then I was I got to walk everybody through it step by step. I feel like when we were kind of ramping up to this week, we're like we we should we should talk about your back story and everything.

And I feel like the you were like, yeah, for sure. Cool. And then, like, hit you yesterday that you actually had to to put all of this into a timeline and be able to retell the story. And even as you were recapping, like your general thoughts to me about an hour ago, I'm still as excited as I am confused by your upbringing. And I feel like I've heard all these things in different parts. Yeah, but I'm most excited for you to hop into the things that I feel like people don't know about the story.

Yeah.

I mean, I think I've I'm in an interesting position because I've put so much of my life on the Internet that people are under the impression that they, you know, have and which they do. They do have a very large picture of what my life looks like and like who I am as a person. But there have been just like so many, it's just impossible to tell your entire story over the Internet. So. Right. There's like seventy percent of my life on the Internet and then that 30 percent people are like, when the fuck did you do that?

Or that that was happening. That was happening while this was happening. And I knew about half of this but didn't know about the other half.

Well, I think it's two degree. Like we now know the craft KFOX. We now know the Yeah. Craft girl FUX is is in the open and there are many more stories and I'm gonna stop you right there. Apparently Craft Girl fucked before she met me. Shocker. That's crazy. I was I was a virgin until the day I met in Virgin right in the morning in Virginia, right? Yes, yes, yes, yes. But I guess the fascinating part for some people, I think, who at least are in who commented to me like I've been watching you since I was 15 or 13 or whatever, and like, I love this New Year or whatever, to a degree.

I think it will be interesting for them to hear how much more they had in common, maybe with you all along than they even thought they did. Oh, my God. That's such that.

Yeah, that's such an interesting perspective. I know.

And I wish I wish that I had been I wish I'd been more transparent earlier because of how many more people I could have connected with or like not even to, like, help someone through something. But there's nothing more comforting than seeing or like feeling like an entire stranger that you don't even know is going through the exact same thing as you.

Well, I think in the beginning, when you're doing literally anything, you want to put your best foot forward, obviously a very few people are like, fuck it, whatever, whatever comes out. Right. So I think, like in the quest to put your best foot forward, you take all your insecurities and you put those into a box and say, well, definitely don't show those. Even though the box of insecurities are probably what's most similar between you and somebody you don't know, even though you're afraid or scared to admit it for sure.

And I also think that, like the content that was on YouTube five years ago was not about that. Like, I feel like content creators have really embraced the spirit of authenticity and just like being your natural self, you know what I mean? Like, obviously click bait is still a thing, but like I mean, picture perfect click bait world, really, because butt plug Thursday.

Just think, did we talk about butt plug Thursday. Yeah. Not click bait. Right. Not Oh got it. Yeah. No, no click. They would be like every week we say we're breaking up right. Yeah exactly.

You're alluding to something that didn't actually happen but piques the interest of the viewer to make them click. But then it ends in disappointment because it didn't actually happen and they keep doing it for some reason. They keep doing it. And we'll get into why that works later on. And like in the the whole cycle of that, because it's it's intense.

So if you were to start or if you were to pick a starting place per say. Where would you like to begin this story? Let's see and just to recap, I started when I was hammered at driving a one ton vehicle down the road, and that's sort of my story.

There. Did you want to start? Um, I actually would like to start with a disclaimer that I am painfully bad at recapping anything, whether it is a 10 page picture book or a two hour movie. I, for the life of me, cannot pick out the main points. So I'm going to tell you all of it and I'm going to blab. And then you'll probably pick out the most important notable pieces and we'll chat about those. But I'm I'm just I don't know.

There's nothing quite like someone sitting down and trying to decide what they want to do with their time. And they look at this and they say, oh, it's an hour. This person is their terrible storyteller. Let's make sure that we have nothing else to declare the calendars. Mom, I don't do anything.

Yeah, that that means the story's going be really good when there is a story to tell. But the teller is going to start, um, I mean, that set the scene as this is like I'm just a bad storyteller. High school, I feel like high school is like not that I wasn't like a doing a human, being a human and like doing things in like middle school and stuff like I mean, I've always been a very well-rounded student.

My parents are still together. I'm an only child. I live in the same house. And the day I was born until I moved out when I was in grade 12, like all of that is so like white picket fence. We were just missing the dog. We did have fish, but we didn't have a dog.

So like all of that was very, very wholesome, loving and supportive. So it's like I guess that's a little bit of background for like what leads up to things that started happening just because, like, life ends up happening, you know what I mean?

Like, my parents sheltered and protected me for as long as they could. And then when life started happening, you know, you have ups and downs and reality starts kicking in and shit. And my mom is no longer there to fend off all of the things and cut up my fruit in the morning and sometimes bring home a lemon low from Starbucks in the morning. Lemon love from Starbucks. Yeah. Wow. OK, so although painfully safe and boring, can we can we pick up where things start getting interesting then.

Yeah. So I think, I think great.

Let's go back to that thing where you were really good in high school about it, just kind of everything, you know.

So here's here's I was I very much would describe myself as a master of none. I was a little bit above average at everything. So like I did well in Sciences, I did well in math. Like I would say that and this is probably different for Americans. But like I was, we have science math to know. But like my math classes we've talked about before, like I did well in data, I did well in functions. Right.

Did well in Trig. But like, I didn't take calculus because that was like the most advanced ones, like I could excel in all the other ones. But like calculus, I was like a little too hard for me. Same with, like science.

Like I did well in biology, except for when anything had to be sliced open. I had to leave the room and I just I just took a hit on whatever grade it was, just could not do it. But I did well in chemistry, you know, I mean, like, I excelled enough at everything that I would graduate, you know, in the top ten percentile of my class. But there was nothing that was a clear and direct path for me.

Like, I feel like when someone's really good at science, they're like, amazing. I'm going to go be a pharmacist, a doctor, a nurse. And I never had any clear direction. I feel like, ah, it was something that I always enjoyed the most. You know, that was my creative outlet. I loved my art teacher, especially in high school. And it was something that I was really good at. But I was by no means the best in my class.

And like later on, I would definitely come to say that I, I would call myself a creative problem solver and less of like a fine artist, like, can I draw better than most people? Like, yes. Can I do I have an insane knowledge of, like, craft supplies, like more than the average person? Yes. Your vocabulary does really pick up your mind drops off in that department. Oh, for sure. For sure.

But like when it comes to deciding a major based on what I'm excelling at in school, I had no fucking idea what to do because there was nothing that stuck out. There was nothing that I like. Even when you're good, you're like, OK, well, like, I'm I'm realistically not good enough to go major in fine arts, you know, to become an art professor or like some gallery curator like that was not going to be a viable option for me.

I wasn't smart enough for math and science to go in like the health science direction. And I I felt a lot of pressure and stress in grade 11 and 12 to figure it out. I feel like your guidance counselors and like your careers class, they put so much pressure on you at such a young fucking age like you're seventeen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen in those grades. And it's like you you have to potentially choose a direction for the remaining percentage of your life.

Like, obviously that's not the actual reality of it. Like you can switch majors, you can totally redirect like your career path, but like when you're seventeen, that is the biggest decision in your current life.

Well, and to a degree, it's the first decision that you make that is so yours was yours. But also, I mean, do you want to do sports, yes or no. OK, got it. You want to do this club, yes or no. But like, it's the first thing where it's a it's a decision that you can kind of understand is going to stick with you for a long, long, long time. Right. And most importantly, when you pick one thing, you almost are picking not to do other things.

Right. Right. For the first time when it's like, well, that season ends in fall, then you could do it in the spring. And it's like, no, no, no, you're going to be a lawyer. You probably can't be a biologist. Like, you're going to have to pick one, right?

Exactly right. You're right. It excludes other options in choosing something like it. You pick one and that one is the only one in particularly in America.

I'm sure it is in other parts of the world as well with how competitive everything is and the finite amount of seats and availability. There are all these colleges. If you're not the best at it, you almost feel like you don't belong off the bat, which I think is like really shitty because someone might. Not have had access to trying whatever that thing is, until they get there, even though they would excel at it, but it's like if you didn't decide early enough and decide to get in your lane at 15, there's going to be a half dozen prodigies who are going to get all the best seats and scholarships.

And then you're going to be kind of stuck. And it's like, well, I'm kind of just undecided. Right, right.

And just undecided. And so being undecided, I was like, OK, well, let's let's apply by city then. You know, it means I took a look at, like the schools that I thought that I might enjoy. And so I applied at two media programs in a city that was about two, two and a half hours away. And that was like more fatty and like a little more party school. And then I applied in Toronto and I think I only apply I literally only applied at one school.

Oh, also, there is like a fine arts school in Toronto called Acad and it's like the most prestigious art school, you know, in the area. And I remember I was like, OK, well, like, let's go explore this option. And I went to one of their, like, open portfolio days where you bring your art and like, tell you if you're on the right track. Right. I just got absolutely destroyed, just like absolutely destroyed that day.

And I was like, cool, cool, cool. Let's check that one off the list. You bring your portfolio. Yes, I brought my portfolio. Really wasn't good enough. No. So what's the name in school. OK, so OK, I could have had more DIY and said no. OK, that's a no. So that's not not down against OK. But anyone who didn't get into OK and it's OK. Yeah totally. I don't know, I don't know who needs to hear that but like be just fine.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure there's a lot of honestly because it is like the school that you're like oh my God, this is like the fun cool art school because all they do is artistic programs.

That's all they do, like Juilliard of Canada. For RISD art got it, yeah, no music anyways, so I, I was in this mess of trying to make, you know, what feels like the biggest decision of your 17 year old life. And I I had an earlier boyfriend in. We're pivoting over to boyfriends and relationships now for a second.

We're going to have a boyfriend. You're going to have it. You got it. You know what I do? Arts and crafts to arts and arts and dick.

Yes, yes, yes. Well, if you like, Dick, career and mental health are all common themes of my life.

Can I get that? Was the career, career and mental health in that order.

You know, priorities prioritize priorities, you know, shuffled and changed throughout the years. OK, yeah.

I feel like those are the three common themes of things that are all very I think there's a lot of people in this audience that can probably really relate with that group.

So I had been in like an earlier like more, you know, very first relationship. It was like very tense situation. And that ended. And I started dating my first very serious boyfriend in grade 12 at the very end.

And this is where we should start again, like more real for me. And it was the most serious thing that had ever happened.

And you introduce a guy or a relationship in general and you just begin to become complicated. Hundred percent. That ain't the fucking thing to everyone's life. Boys make shit complicated. OK, all right.

I said relationship. Sure, sure. Yeah. I won't, I won't play so. Yeah, right. No female ever made any situation. Your argument. I reject that statement. So I was in a new relationship and this is when things like started getting fucking real. And I almost feel like because my parents did such an incredible job of shielding me from anything that was like harsh or negative. When something actually did happen, my body was just like, what the actual fuck, no one feels sorry for you, but yes.

No, I know, but it's because my parents did. So I know. Job of like protecting me from everything bad that like when something bad did happen. I didn't know what to do. Right. And and I mean, to my credit, like what ended up happening was that my boyfriend, we had been dating for about five months.

He had his so he didn't have epilepsy, but he had his very first seizure. And it was a situation where we were by ourselves, like there was no adults in the room and in the home, etc. And I feel like everyone who ever called nine one one remembers their first time calling 911 one for like a serious situation.

And it's one of those moments that, like, feels like you're in a movie and you're like, oh, my fucking God. Like my life. This person's life that I am now responsible for is in the hands of calling 911, one in waiting for help to arrive. Right. So he had this initial seizure is the first seizure he'd ever had. And being someone, even if you weren't sheltered, most people don't know what the fuck to do when a person has a seizure.

I would have no idea. Right? Yeah, that's right. There talking. That's not that's not even that's not even really a thing like that's. Yeah. And so the seizure and really sort of thing. Bite your tongue. Yeah. Well like it's not really a common thing. I mean I don't want to make a blanket statement and say that's not a thing for everyone who has epilepsy, but usually it's getting them on their side and protecting their head from hitting any kind of sharp corner.

But it's not like you don't really chatter your teeth at all when you're having a seizure for the most part.

So there's you don't want to swallow your tongue, but it's not really like a bite a tongue situation got OK. And I'm sure there are people who have put their tongue off in mid seizure.

So I don't want to I don't, Mika. And I assure you, all six of them have now found that they have never looked like.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So this seizure led to him being in an induced coma for four days. So I went from, you know, everything. You know, I've I've fallen off my bike. My parents would absolutely coddle me. So, like, I went from that to being the main main person in, you know, his life. Not responsible for what happens or like the decisions being made and we've mentioned this before, but like he had a very complicated and difficult family life.

And so, like, I was the only one at the hospital for the first, I don't know, 24 hours, you know, and I didn't know what to do or how to feel, which, you know, is probably a common reaction for a lot of people when you experience a trauma like that.

So he ended up having like a crazy, miraculous recovery. And I mean, while he was in a coma, it was, you know, questions of like, will he walk again? Will he ever speak again? Will he wake up? Remember anyone in his life up being 17 at the time? Like, you don't know how to process this information. Like your brain is just like literally not built to handle that and know what to do with it.

And I didn't do a great job of seeking help afterwards. I absolutely should have been in therapy. And I've spoken to this before.

But this is kind of where my mental health journey starts.

And it was the feeling of being at a total and utter loss of control. That was the first time they'd ever experienced that. You know, my parents done such a good job of making things easy for me.

And this was in a big way the very first time that I had no control over what was happening in my body did not do well with that. So he was in the hospital for about a week and this was the end of 12th grade. I ended up actually not having to do my final exams because my grades were high enough that they were just like, you know what, it's fine. Like handle this. You're obviously going through a lot right now and we'll just end your will just end your semester with the grades that you currently have.

And so in Canada, did you like. When did you know in this timeline that you were going to Ryerson? I think I think I already knew that I was going to Ryerson. I'm pretty sure because I remember I remember distinctly that, like when anyone would get into a college or university, they'd post on Facebook their announcement because, like, Facebook was like hot shit back then. And then, you know, everyone would be like, oh, my gosh, you guys go ahead.

So I feel like I was still in high school. I think I was still in school when I got my acceptance letters. I got early acceptance. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, right.

I think I think I knew by that I wouldn't be the summer before. Yeah. I wouldn't be the summer. Yeah. OK, so yeah. So I definitely knew and had my plans for university to go to Toronto Ryerson. Right. Which is about an hour away from where I went to high school.

So in terms of that timeline, you knew you were going to Ryerson should obviously hit the fan in a way that you weren't prepared for. But at the same time, to be fair, no one would have been prepared for that. Was their reservations at the time about leaving in general?

No, I was like pretty set on. I mean, I in for all of high school, I didn't apply to the the university that was in my city. There was not a world where I was going to stay in my hometown for university. So and, you know, only an our way like Toronto is one of those cities that there is so much public transportation to and from. So I kind of knew that I was getting myself into a long ish distance.

What feels like a long distance relationship when you live in a small town about an hour and a half now is like literally here to the beach in L.A. and bad traffic, like it's it's so relative.

So I, I went to Ryerson and I chose this program. I think I got a little bamboozled. I know they've reworked the curriculum and hopefully I did not have a hand in that because I've talked shit about it so many times now.

But they really advertised the program as like a creative business program. Right. And I was like, you know what? For someone who's, like, not exceptional at anything but like decently smart and decently autistic like this sounds like the perfect fit for me. I'm oddly slightly above average. Yeah. I'm oddly exceptionally slightly average.

Average. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And so I was like, you know what, this this person is good enough. That's exactly that's exactly how I felt I was like close enough and good enough. Yeah, yeah. Because I've been good enough. Because, well, you know, I'm close enough to my family. I had genuinely lived in the same house for 18 years of my life. Like this was this was a massive transition for me.

And so got there. I hated the fucking program.

I hated it with every fiber of my being.

You get there in August, right? How long before you realize that you owe fucking day one, day one?

Honestly, they're so so essentially what this program was, it was called Graphic Communications Management. Here is an antique commercial for GCM and I feel so bad, but I think they've reworked the program. I think they have. I'm not positive. So here's an anti commercial for GCM, in essence.

No, no, no, I'm not. I'm 95 percent sure they have. And honestly, one of my one of my friends from the program is now a professor in that program. Well, and and he's really cool. So I'm sure that, like, they've they've made it better was long. It's really cool. It's really cool. Yeah, that's cool. Because it wasn't fucking cool when I was there. It was a printing program like a literally like printing press program, which is important.

Sure, sure. I mean, every time I every time I told someone they're like, isn't isn't print dead isn't like printing literally dying. And I think people don't I don't think about, like, how much packaging is involved in everyday consumption and like large format printing, which is like billboards or anything literally bigger than like what can be printed on like an at home printer. Right. Like it is an industry. It definitely is exists. It exists.

Feinburg would be a little Leuchtenburg and hide Hidell fuck in Heidelberg. What was the name I think was Heidelberg.

I don't know. I had a building named after him. I'm going, yeah, this is how much I retained. This is a prime example of how much I retained. And so still with boyfriend from grade twelve. OK, and moving to a new city, first time leaving home. And again, maybe, maybe my parents, being such good parents did me a disservice to like prep me for the real world.

I mean, I will say that I, I feel lucky in that I went through life when I noticed a lot of other people were kind of like having their first, like, breakdown and meltdown, like how to deal with this.

I was like, oh yeah, I did not have that boy. Yeah, I did not. You know, when you've gotten arrested, you've been suspended. You've had to call an audible several times. It's like, oh come here little one. Oh what a call an audible was. I mean when you go to the line of scrimmage in football and you call a different play at the last second because what the fuck was a scrimmage?

What do you literally what do you say in football?

Oh, this is football. Oh, I have no idea. You're talking about I've no idea. Call an audible and scrimmage or things that I don't know what you're talking about.

Thirty two of us, we get it, you know. You know what? I feel like there are lots of wives out there who have husbands who are big Sunday football fans. How do you know? All audible I have no idea what you're saying.

I was like, are we doing a brandl for Audible right now? That's my Amazon. Yeah, I just got an e-mail from Amazon right now about audible. Really? For Audible. I mean, yeah.

Oh, that's weird. Oh, God. Your FBI agent, he's like, hey, hey, just just. I heard your conversation. You're going to love that, sorry. So still with high school boyfriend moved to a new city and I got so lucky in that the girls that were on my floor were so nice, like we had so much fun. The student life that I experienced was was top notch, like it was so much fun. And it was like a very, like, healthy environment.

And everyone was really, really kind and sweet.

And were your dorms like the the each floor was guy girl, guy, girl, or was it like no one was coed but like room to room.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, I think it was room to room, so I was like in an apartment style, so it was for single bedrooms with a shared kitchen, shared bathroom, shared living room. And so we were kind of like the party room of our floor. I felt so bad. One of the girls that was in our apartment was just absolutely not fucking about us. Like the three of us were friends. And the one girl, she just she was so neat and tidy and quiet and she fucking hated us.

I mean, to be fair, the time in a place where neat, tidy and quiet and it's not your freshman year of college, it's not your freshman year of college.

And don't fucking sign up for an apartment style dorm. Well, not everyone can afford their own dorm. No, this one was more expensive because this was like the the like, funnest one.

Well, maybe her parents were like, come on, get an experience. You should really gain experience. Yeah. Yeah.

So I, um, I think coming off of the seizure Tacoma trauma and then moving to a new city, being long distance, my boyfriend, knowing zero people and being far from my sheltered family, I had my first mental breakdown, like my first real mental breakdown, my very first anxiety attack, like full blown. And when you've never had an anxiety attack, when you do have one like you think you're on your deathbed, like there there is just you just feel like the best way to describe it is feeling betrayed by your body because it feels like your body turns on you.

You're like, I am so out of control. What the fuck is happening? And like, why would you do that to me?

Well, you know, that's just called aging and that's going to happen every day now. But, you know, that is called mental health disorders. OK, so I was in this massive hall taking an exam and the business program was the biggest one. And so all of our business classes were joined with the business program. So like accounting, data management, like all that stuff.

And it was like I was in a sea of people, of probably 1500 students. And in an exam that I had absolutely studied for was like totally, totally good for me. And my body just said, no, get the fuck out.

And I started losing my vision. Like, you start getting the black spot on the outside and it starts closing in. You have tunnel vision. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like I couldn't swallow. I was choking on my own throat and I'm sweating profusely for absolutely no reason. And you just can't focus on something that's nothing really sad. But it is it was the first time that I had experienced, like Litoral fight or flight. Right.

And me being like a again, you know, average student was like, oh, fuck. Like, I don't have the option to leave, like, I have to finish this exam. So, I mean, I don't even I cannot believe I passed that exam.

I just scribbled in every fucking I was like BBB, Z, ABCDs, ABCDE and ended up passing the exam. But I came out of that room finally, like still in that state of like anxiety attack being like, oh my fucking God, what in the hell was that like no one prepares you for that. No one's like and I feel like conversations now are so much more, you know, transparent, like I've had so many people message me be like, here's what happened.

I think it was an anxiety attack, but I'm not sure I've heard you talk about it. But it sounds similar. I was out there being like, oh, my fucking God, I think I just died and now I'm back on planet Earth. But I think I'm pretty sure I just died. And then what happens? And spoiler alert spoiler didn't die still here, sold, did not leave body or it did and it came back into body.

Right. But that was like the very beginning of a long journey, you know, and fucking still on the journey of anxiety and anxiety attacks. And from there, I started a medication that was the very first time that I I tried something other than, like, shitty phone therapy.

Well, so you went to wherewithal. You had the wherewithal to go to a doctor at school or what?

Oh, I think my mom took me to just like our family.

I was at it again. Come on home. Come on. Oh, come on.

No, I mean, my my mom has always been like very much like ride or die with me with my mental health journey, like she saw her. And I are wired very similarly. And so she's always said that, like, if similar things had happened in her lifetime, like she could have ended up with the same anxiety as me, like who knows how it would have happened. But like, we're wired very, very similarly. So one of my family doctor got on medication for the first time and there was definitely a point in between first anxiety attack and starting medication, where I skipped probably 50 percent of my class because I could not exit my dorm room.

I literally could not go out anywhere. I couldn't even go down to the cafeteria. Like I was just so riddled with anxiety. I think coming off of that first anxiety attack, I was scared of it happening again. Right. Not knowing when it was going to happen and not knowing what to do. If it does happen.

When there's a certain. A certain unknown when you don't know what causes something for sure. That can kind of seep itself and become the it's like the Web M.D. of like, well, I guess I didn't think about having this symptom, but maybe I do have that right. It's like you spiral and now I brain cancer. Right. So it's like I think to a degree, not having something to focus your attention on, too, as the culprit can make your brain go wild.

I mean, I've always said that, too, like in my openness about mental health. Is that like knowing your triggers is half the battle. Right. And when the first time it happens, you're like, oh, my fucking God, was it this test that triggered me? Was it being six blocks away from home that triggered me? You know, there's just so many factors into it. You just have no idea when it's the very beginning of your mental health journey.

So, yeah, it definitely got really bad to the point where, like, I couldn't go out, I couldn't hang out with anyone, I couldn't leave the dorm room and I hated my program all in the meantime, like fucking hating the content. I remember the day that I bought this textbook of no, it was the handbook of print media. This thing was like two hundred and fifty dollars and it was like ten pounds and so thick of literal printing press technology.

So here I am like having mental breakdowns. My boyfriend had just gone into a coma. I'm in a new city far from my parents and I'm having anxiety attacks and I just had to buy this 250 older textbook of printing presses. I wanted nothing more than to throw that book down. I don't even fucking know as far away as possible as I could.

There's nothing quite like the highway robbery that is college textbooks genuinely, until I learned that, like, there are ways and means to buy textbooks second hand. If there's one thing that you take from this podcast episode by your fucking college textbooks, second hand, every author is like and fuck you, man.

Oh my God. Honestly, handbook of print media author. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. It is so heavy, so big.

It's a hardcover textbook and we know you're a big listener to the pod. So this comes as a shock to you. But yeah, but go fuck yourself. I got to back my girl on this one.

So fast forward to the end of first semester. I had gone back and forth between coming out of the program, taking the rest of the semester off and maybe putting together a portfolio to go to fucking OK. I had to like because I had gone to this program and didn't catch you almost got a second chance and I almost got a second chance. I almost did get a second chance.

And I can't wait for someone to DM's who's like at the administration side, are like literally one on. One of my good friends from from Toronto is a high school. Ersoy is a college recruiter for OK.

And they let you in now, you think? No, I don't think so. OK, you got it.

I don't think so. I don't think my portfolio go. No, no, no, go. No scar. Just absolutely. It's OK. Your donation to the art department would be. That's true. Yeah, that is true. I could buy my way. Goodbye. Goodbye. The way. Yeah.

So I was going back and forth, I was having weekly sobbing Skype sessions, my parents telling them how much I hated this program, not knowing what to do. And I feel like this is probably something that happens not infrequently with first year freshmen.

Like it's also because you do so many of the general classes at the beginning. So you're not really knowing what you're getting into. And then if you hate the general classes, you're like, well, this is obviously only going to get worse. Like, that's that was the mindset that I had very healthy, obviously. But I was going back and forth between potentially dropping out, starting again, doing something else, taking the time to apply my something to some, apply myself to something more creative, like potentially going to Oxford and maybe going trying to go into like advertising or something.

And I feel like that's a common question that I always get. Like, what would you have done had you not been doing YouTube? And I probably would have found myself found a way to move over to the advertising and marketing side of things, because I have a strong enough creative eye and I'm analytical enough that I think that I could do well there, but anyways, not the path that I went on.

Well, what's interesting to me and what sticks out to me is that. Thinking from my perspective, right when I left for college. Well, when I initially stayed back at home for community college, I stayed with the fire within me and the chip on my shoulder to say, I know I think I'm better than this current situation that I'm stuck in right now. Have any options? It's my responsibility to fight my way out of it. Right. And that was academically or through music or whatever.

You, to a degree, didn't struggle with that same mentality going out. So I feel like having the option to maybe do more things and really not enjoying it at all. The thing that you chose. Right. Makes you feel like you chose the wrong thing.

Oh, for sure. Oh, I got there and I was like, I fucked up. So what's different between, I guess to to put into a tight little ribbon on that is you weren't happy with your choice? I wasn't happy that I didn't get a choice. Right. It's just interesting. Yeah. You know for sure it's two different instruments for sure. And I think there's a lot of guilt, too, that comes with feeling like you made the wrong decision, because I was so lucky in that my parents were paying for my education and tuition in Canada is is not the same as it is obviously in America.

And a lot of these like Ivy League schools where it's like, you know, five figures per year, like it wasn't it wasn't like that. But still, it's like my parents are super hard, middle class working people.

And to feel they both come from like working class mentality. Yeah, absolutely. And so to feel like I had made the wrong decision in that I could potentially throw away a year's worth of their tuition money was like a heavy pressure that weighed heavily on me, such as to like figure out how to rectify the situation.

So I made a blog, as one does when you're feeling depressed and pressure and guilt as you make a blog, what's it called? It was desire and inspire. I have no fucking idea where that came from.

I want to be very close there and inspire.

There was there was no direct or like very specific inspiration behind it. I don't know where it came from. I was like, this sounds pretty nice.

Sounds like you bought it from like a discount like strip club buyer was in fact available in 2011.

That would not be available anymore. It's probably worth a little bit. I wonder if I still own it, do I? Well, not anymore.

Not anymore. Not anymore. So like in my quest to. Be happier, I guess I I was like, OK, I've made great friends in school, like my social life is thriving. I'm having I'm having a good time with, like, good people hate the content because it's not creative enough. But like, I don't mind the business classes, like, they're fine, their general in their business and whatever.

Like that's I knew I was signing up for like a business element to write creative, maybe don't take like they put that on the pamphlet that it was like a creative business program. That was a bamboozling for sure.

But to a degree, I think any program that because Brassens. How big is it. Oh like fifty thousand. Yeah. Like I can't, I can't imagine being able to feel like any creative thing that you produced in a sea of that many options can stand out. Right. It's not to say that things aren't competitive, but like the program that I went to in college for percussion. Right. I think there was like 60 undergrads, like four master's students like to doctorate and like, oh, my God, everyone could see whether or not they were good.

Right. Like, you showed up and you played in front of each other all the time. You read music all the time. It was constantly a battle of like, am I worth this program?

Right. Right. Because it was like to be there. You had to be good, right? Yeah. And and nothing, obviously, that had unhealthy effects, too. But like, I understand where a fragment that size, I think is very difficult to make anyone feel like their individual contribution is going to just stand out.

I had nothing to prove to anyone because there was nothing to the there's nothing to do, nothing to prove. I was like, sweet. I can go out and get hammered and I show up here and get 80 percent on everything. And that was another day.

It was kids content law DIY, kids content law DIY. Yeah, exactly. Me here making craft shit face still show up and only kind of like legit.

But that was another big part of it too. I was like I'm doing fine in this program like had I hated it and been doing poorly as well. I'm sure my path would have been different. But I was like, I'm having fun. The people are great. The program fucking sucks, but I'm getting good grades. Right? So I was like, OK, what is the missing piece here? And it was like, it's the creativity. It's like the doing something that is fulfilling me creatively and again.

So enter desire and inspire. Yeah. Very creative named blog. Would you say that you wanted to do it yourself. I have bad news, and it's that 9500 people have made that joke directly at me and I'm just I'm on this sorry that it wasn't you for the first time. You guys laugh at that. I thought. Thank you.

Get out of here. You guys can write one on one.

And 2011, 2012, like blogging was the hot shit. And YouTube was something that I had I had, you know, heard of at the time, you know, people uploaded like cat videos to and I was like, cool, like YouTube is where YouTube just five.

And then it was bought by Google in 2008. Yeah, it's not that. Was that old. No, no.

Not at all. Not at all. In so I started this blog and I was, you know, blogging about like my thriftiness in Toronto and like making bracelets. And I was like, oh, here's a cute bead store that I found on Queen Street, like, go check it out. But I made somebody that you saw that was doing this and you looked up to them and were like, I can do this, too, or what was the catalyst?

No, I don't think so.

I think when I started, like, finding ways to explore new parts of Toronto and I would Google like cool thrift shops in downtown Toronto, I would find blogs that were like giving me information. I was like, oh, it was like, I can do this. Like, this is fun, cute and like doesn't harm anyone. And so I spent hours, sleepless nights learning how to use WordPress, learning how to integrate ads into my blog for like the three people in my mom that were clicking on my website banner to monetize.

Yeah. Whole banner ad, good old banner ad and learning how to do like very minimal coding to like start a website. And so it was like this fun little side project.

You hop on as much html ljova lets go python lets go.

OK, no job, no python but definitely a little html. I mean that's sort of the MySpace I can say. Thank you Tom. Thank you Tom. Thank you Tom of MySpace for your service.

And so we had this like nice little side project that was like for me and just involved me and it was like really cute and like a nice distraction from how much I fucking hated my life when I was in school.

And you were control of it. If you control the minute you could stop doing it, you want hold bigger if you wanted to make some money, if you wanted. The idea of adding ads was a thing you could put your energy into.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

And, you know, you could post as much as you want or as little as you want. And there was just no pressure and it was a fun, creative outlet. So eventually I at some point saw someone that I was following on a blog, do a video tutorial. And I was like, oh, fucking like, this is so much smarter. And, you know, I had obviously grown up making master class music videos with my friends dancing to Britney Spears growing up.

So like as my childhood crush, I love that us. Yeah. And I was like, oh, this just makes more sense to show what I'm doing through video versus having to take photos on self timer with my hands underneath the lens. I was like this. This is stupid. Like there's an easier way to do this and it's video. So I made a YouTube channel.

Got it. And what was that, the obvious choice the time like was Vimeo.

Oh no. Yeah, it was YouTube. First it was YouTube because YouTube gave you the ability to embed that video into your blog. Right. And that was that was like the prime that was the prime reason I was on YouTube.

And so I, I use it as an embeddable video. Right. Right.

And I made a choice that I think 2011, Lauran, for every single fucking day. And it's that I didn't make my username something real dumb that I regret. Now, like Lord DIY is very clear as to what kind of content I'm going to be making.

It was the very first name on YouTube was Lord DIY. Yeah, you started with Lord DIY. I started with Lord DIY. Do you have an L a u r capital DIY y. Yeah I started with Lord DIY so like design and inspire for the website. Yes, but Lord DIY immediately on YouTube.

Yes. I don't think you realize just how probably rare that is. Oh, well, OK, so like all of my friends were like MC Barbie 07, MC Baby 11, Stela Babe 09, Mamma Mia makeup like those are my friends now in the rest of them in the. I don't know if the other ones are.

How the fuck am I dead, Alicia was MacTavish. OK, Elizabeth, Margaret, shut up, Jack, baby in the pink room. Oh my God. But yeah, that's all my friends started out, you know, a few years ago.

Remy was I think she was always Miss Ashton. Yeah. Yeah. Because Tiffany started around the same time too.

And she was Miss Tiffany Ma. Well OK. Yeah, yeah. So they, they did themselves a service as well, like similar to me and like having a name that aged OK.

Yeah.

Until like two weeks ago but yeah until yeah. Until like two weeks ago. So I, I started this YouTube channel not knowing anything about YouTube like I didn't, I didn't watch YouTube because it was literally again just to embed this video onto my blog for an easier way to show what I was doing.

And a few videos in, I realized that like I was cultivating a little bit of an audience and like people were commenting, people that like, weren't my parents on the video being like, oh, you don't, like, show me how to do this. Right. And there was one video in particular that was like a T-shirt that had like a skull face cut into the back of it.

It was Jubouri edgy, super edgy. Yeah. And that was like the very first video that kind of gained a little bit of traction where I was like, oh, shit. Like there are people on YouTube watching things.

Weird people are having an easier time stumbling onto my content. It's already on a website that other people already on then my oh my oh.

I kept up with the blog for I don't know, a couple of months after that. But I started like getting into the YouTube community being like, oh my God, my Mac may be 11, Mac Barbaria seven, like seeing all these other people who were YouTube and like they used YouTube as their main platform. Right. And here I was spending fucking all these nights learning how to HTML. And I'm like, I'm sorry, you're telling me that I can just make something and it goes up here and then I can talk to people in the comments about what I made.

And you can subscribe to see more content. I was like, I'm stupid and I've wasted a lot of my life, but OK, cool. So hop down over to YouTube and stayed there, made that my main platform and it I can't remember how many videos I was into, like the progress of my channel before I got an email that was like you, you now qualify for monetization. And I was like, bitch, what do you mean.

I call their monitor. What does that mean. Like what are you saying to me right now? I don't understand what you're saying. And so that was like the very first moment where I made two cents off of a video. Right. And I was like, oh, my God, what the fuck is going on? So here I am, like in my dorm room shooting shitty videos on literally my my MacBook Oh Nine's webcam balanced on stupid handbook of print media textbook.

Yeah. A more expensive stand on this one right now. Right. Literally more expensive.

Tripod was a hamburger print. I should have kept it for, just for the meme's. I think I sold it but anyways like it. Just like shitty lighting, shitty dorm room, shitty computer, shitty videos.

But I was having the fucking time of my life that was my escape. It was my, my creative outlet to make whatever I wanted. I was doing DIY as I was. I did a few like no heat hair tutorials. And it was it was literally the sole reason that I was able to stay sane. And I think when when you're able to find light again in your life, it kind of seeps through everything. So when I wasn't feeling like I was in like a a pit of despair because a few things weren't weren't going in the direction that I wanted them to, and I was able to kind of like feel more uplifted because I had so much happiness and positivity coming from this one thing.

It made school more bearable. And obviously, like I had great friends of mine, but like, that was great. It boosted my mental health because, like, I felt like I had purpose and I was feeling more fulfilled. Like once you have that one thing that embodies so much of, like, your happiness, I feel like it brings up everything around it. So the question that I think that I'm I'm already curious about that. I think other people, especially if they aspire to be in a similar industry as you, what was the feeling of making content for no one like.

Oh, it's it's it's what I mean by that. Yeah. Yeah. Like with zero viewers, right. Yeah. It's easy to talk about it now because it worked out, but like in the beginning, especially now with more competitive than ever. Right. And I think there's challenges to both sides. Don't get me wrong. Was it like the people make fun of you? Were you embarrassed. No, no.

I mean, I definitely was. You had different friends than I did, but. Yeah.

Oh, OK. So here's the thing is that I have a lot of friends who started when they were in high school and got absolutely fucking roasted in high school because people would find their videos and be like, oh my God, loser. Right. And now that person is obviously like working a shitty job and they haven't left their hometown and like, they peaked in high school. And now that YouTube is like a. Multimillionaire and gets to say, fuck you while the loser, right, the loser is the person making fun of them, not the person, the content.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

But I think because I started university, all my friends are really nice. They're like, fuck, yeah, go bitch.

Like, do your thing. So wow. Yeah, I know. I had really supportive like my friends and my family were all like, yeah, if I can go for it, what's, what's the harm. Let me tell you, when I started singing it was not Yeah.

Go for it was like. Words that I'm not going to use right now, you know, I mean, that was not the case by any means. No, totally. And I think and I want to get into this more in a little bit, but like making content for no one and also other people and also for yourself. Like, if there's one thing that making content teaches you, it is about your ego. It teaches you so much about your ego and just how to how to deal with it, how to how to grow with it and to making content for no one feels odd.

There's nothing more unnatural than talking to a camera by yourself in a room by yourself for zero people to watch.

The second most unnatural thing is hearing someone talk to a camera by themselves with no one else listening and going, Oh, she does that.

That's just her job. What she does, she just does that. That's what she does. Yeah, yeah. There's nothing more unnatural. And, you know, it's very apparent in my first, like, three years of videos that I'm obviously not comfortable doing that. Right.

Also, it's like there's like a weird fourth wall that is only to you that you have to break. Oh, yeah. You're the only one responsible for breaking that wall down, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah.

There's there's nothing more uncomfortable and awkward. And I definitely was shy, like I would like stuff a towel at the bottom of my dorm room door that my stoner boyfriend taught me how to do to like help with like noise cancellation and weed smoke seeping out.

I don't do that anymore. Now you just scream all over the house. Yeah.

Yo, you used to it, so that's fine. Yeah, we've worked past that. They were past doing niceties for each other for just like convenience.

I think the weirdest part about looking back at those videos and like thinking about what was like the priorities in my life or like the most impactful moments, was that I was also not only handling like full course load, attempting to have a regular upload schedule for this thing that like I as it was growing, I now felt, you know, a little more loyalty and pressure to upkeep because you're like, oh, my God, I made five dollars a month.

Obviously, I need to keep doing this because, you know, you get that fat check.

But I was like, you could make ten. You could you could be done right for one hundred, one hundred percent, 100 percent. And I was like, and I love doing it. It's so much fun. But it's not to say that, like, you know, you don't feel pressure and stress sometimes are being like, oh, I want to make more content. Like I also need to get good grades in this program. But on top of all of that, I still in this high school relationship and I would say monthly sometimes sometimes every week was doing overnight hospital stays because of epilepsy.

And, you know, it was it was a big part of our relationship. And again, I was the most constant figure in his life that was there for support.

And so there would be so many nights where we would spend the night in the hospital, you know, from 10:00 p.m. and then I'd go to class the next morning at eight a.m. and it was like this weird double life of like having this little bit of growth online and like having so much passion and fire into this while also balancing staying in school. Again, my parents are still paying my tuition. And I had I had committed to this program. Now, you know, your year to now and you're like, OK, I'm two years into this.

Like we're doing this like we've been doing this. It sounds more like a triple life, to be honest. You have the life that your parents want you to do because the YouTube concept, certainly to anyone sane and 2012, was not going to be a viable form of income, right? Oh, no, no, no. You've got the person that you're trying to be with your boyfriend and trying to be the supportive figure that is the constant among all variables.

And then you have the general idea or premise of what the online personality could or should be. But you're making it up as you go along and all three of them kind of have their own rules to play by. And there's a lot of overlap, but there's also a lot of things that are unique to each one.

Oh, for sure. Absolutely. It was. It was, yeah. Like three different strains that were happening in my life that, you know, you jump to and from the Venn diagram.

Little Venn diagram. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's me in the middle being like, oh my God. And then sprinkle a little bit of anxiety and all three though. You're right, you're. Yeah, yeah. There's lots of things I go through. You're right. You're right for sure. And at the time I don't think that I would have been aware enough to be able to like draw those three circles of the Venn diagram. And I was just like, this is this is my life.

Like this is my normal dynamic of my life and this is just how it goes.

And like I was feeling, I would say, you know, ups and downs, highs and lows, like I mean and obviously I'm a bystander who only knows you, you know, years later. But it sounds like on top of these three personalities, right. Hindsight is 20/20. It's easy to delineate each one now, but at the time, it's just you. And I think when everything kind of feels like it's all a priority at the same time, it's hard to almost put them into buckets of like what to prioritize when especially when you're dealing with someone's health and there's no right answers.

But there's a lot of wrong answers. Oh, for sure.

Yeah, that's a that's a really good way to summarize that for sure. For sure. So a third year of university, you have started to get momentum on YouTube, but by no means is it what it is today. You are still in a relationship. You're still in your pro. Jim. What changed about YouTube in this time that kind of made you realize, like this is something that you're going to take more seriously or it could be something that's more long term and not just a hobby?

A lot of you do have a singular video that really skyrocketed them into like a new audience and fame and big numbers and growth, but I was like a very consistent just like a slow uphill growth. What do you think? You know, both sides have pros and cons for sure. But I think just like the continuous weekly uploading of DIY content that people were searching for actively and that was one of the benefits of making DIY content, is that people would literally be like how to make a friendship bracelet.

Right. You're very much although you're competing with a lot of other shit, there are plenty of people of all ages that are very brand safe, interested in doing something with limited resources. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. To degree, even if you didn't speak English, you'd still be able to follow along. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Worldwide opportunity to, you know, make content for people who are literally searching for what you're making. Right. And so I don't again, like there wasn't there wasn't like a pivotal point where I was like, oh shit, this is this is real. This is real dog. But I, I definitely do remember, like, the struggle that I felt and like the the push and pull of finding the balance between, again, all three of those things.

I specifically remember a day where I had woken up at like six a.m. so I could film the video that I wanted to film before going to my nine a.m. class, doing my day of classes, coming back my long distance boyfriend. The time was coming up the weekend. He had a seizure that day. And then, like, when you come out of a seizure, you're like a little woozy, sometimes a little dizzy, just like regaining like, obviously consciousness.

And he just like walked into the corner of a wall. So immediate blood streaming down face. We go to the hospital. But it was like one of those days where it really hit all three circles of the dyke. Right. And I was like, am I living a crazier life than most people right now like this? This feels like a lot.

I think I look back in my youth and that those are the times where any one of those things would have been too much for somebody else. But to a degree, they were all happening all at the same time. And your brain hits cruise control on all of them. Right? Right. And you're able to kind of go through the motions. But that's one of the things where when you come out of that stage, you're like, oh, my God, I'm tired.

Oh, my God. Yeah, for sure. For sure.

And also, let me remind you, like, let me point out that, like, just in three years you went from I don't know how to do with any of this to now my brains so used to these things happening, I continue to be on autopilot and still get it done. I do a lot of growth in three years.

Yeah, I would say I would say growth and also the help of an SSRI, like an anti anxiety medication that had helped balance things for a long time. I mean, later on and I've spoken to this recently, like I switch medications came off a one switch to a new one, came off of that.

But at the time I was I was semi stable, I would say with anxiety. Like, obviously there were bad days.

But I think when I very first went on the medication, the first four years were like pretty solid in that it was a priority, but it was not at like the forefront of my list of things that I was worried about, 30 years of university as well, sort of in my second year of doing YouTube is when I got a manager.

When you say this is your second year of YouTube, what is your cadence? Every week, every month, every week, every week, sometimes twice a week, once a week, once a week, for sure.

When a minimum and I'm so structured and work well and routine that like I just said it for myself as a goal and like, I still upload once a week.

It just hasn't changed since day one.

In so second year of YouTube, I had a manager reach out and I was like, what do you fucking mean? A manager to manage what? But the same time I was like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. So like anyone here to help, I'm so happy to have you on board. Right. And to this day, I'm the manager and I are still working together. Scott Fisher. Yes. Scott Fisher says out as if it's been shut out.

Dad, shout out, Dad. It's been literally seven years of us working together. You hear that? Like the very first name you picked, you stuck with the cards. You're stuck with the same general concept of the type of content you're stuck with, the same manager you're stuck with. That is so ridiculous.

I mean, you know, I love some consistency of but obviously you have a great radar on what you should and shouldn't do because that's fantastic. Thank you. Where did that go? I was going to say, why is this feeling so nice right now?

Thank you so much. That actually made me feel better and more normal because everything felt like a little too nice and it was a little fishy.

Fishy.

So I, I was approached by a manager and so I had been doing UTU for two years. And in Toronto I think like the YouTube scene was just non-existent at the time. So I had never spoken to another YouTube were ever like we hadn't talked about social media or content. Did YouTube or exist?

Is that does that word? It did, because I was watching all of these girls in California make all of these like YouTube were amazing morning routine videos in these halls and these like how I do my makeup. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm stuck. What am I doing? What are we doing? Like, how do I how do I be you? Like, I just had this idea, like what a YouTube nyp you.

It was right. Yeah. But they were like out in California, like doing their thing and I was like, oh my God. Like this is what I'm doing. But they're just like over there. And I was like, OK, cool, but. You just I mean, that time, like I didn't know how to approach anyone on the Internet to be like, hey, be my friend, hop into a forum, right? Anybody want to help me?

And yeah, we're like, do I like, hey, what's your neopets account like? Let's be friends, let's be pals stuff. Security nightmare.

So got a manager.

And that was the beginning of like some real monetization. So I would say second year YouTube 30 University making a few extra hundred dollars a month and it was like fun spending money, you know, like buying clothes and shoes and and a few extra hundred dollars in college would have been is your money.

You are rich.

You are rich, rich and like. Just a little background on like my work history is that I've been working since I was 15. And every summer between university years, I would serve in a restaurant and sports bar, whatever, and bust ass make as much money as I could in the summer and then go back to school. And again, I was very privileged that my parents paid for my tuition. So I was paying for like just all my spending money, but still like to work for four months.

And then to pay for your spending for eight months is it takes a lot of budgeting and a lot of bustan ask in the summer was there ever and I assume there was overlap between YouTube and YouTube in the summer and your job. Oh yeah.

Of course. Yeah, yeah. For sure. For sure. I mean, I actually would have been that summer that I probably was like, oh my God, I'm doing both now.

Right.

And so under a manager. And that was when I got my first prandial and it was one thousand two hundred and fifty dollars. Oh my God. Actually it was to promote the new Divergent movie. You don't say. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, terrible movie. Time I'm fucking offended, I'm so I read all those books, love the movies, love the lead guy. Did you watch the movie, did you watch the movie? Yeah, I don't I don't think I watch the same movie anyway.

Me being this college student, whatever, like in this whole situation, I was like, you're telling me that Divergent that one films wants to run a mini commercial on my YouTube channel for over a thousand dollars to shit myself. Bitch, I'm rich, right? I need to retire right now because this is as good as it gets. I mean, also, I think especially in that time when you you come from an hourly wage to a non hourly wage.

Oh, my God. You just think about how many hours it would take to make that. And you're like, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God. That would be over ten hours. No, well, I was really going to have ADMET did you catch that over 100 hours, even more than that of me serving right now?

I was like, that's one hundred, ten times ten. Good Davich, great job. And to give you some visuals of, like where my life was that I was living with, like one of my best friends at the time in this like, OK apartment in kind of a sketchy area in Toronto because like the rent was affordable, we were both paying like 700 dollars a month and in college.

And that's a lot more than mine. I mean, I lived in downtown Toronto.

Yeah, they got is cheap, cheap, cheap for downtown Toronto. Mine was like three thirty. Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, it was Kentucky and I lived with five disgusting men.

Well, fuck yeah.

You know what, I'd rather page seven hundred fifty dollars a month I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So like living in a shitty apartment and like I remember we came back from the summer and like our apartment was just infested with cockroaches and so we were just like ongoing battle with landlords. And so here I am making a thousand dollars and I'm like, oh my God.

Like holy shit. Like I have made it big people. Like I've made it big. And so, like, we ended up moving out of the apartment literally because of the cockroaches.

And I didn't pay rent and they were not paying rent. Yeah, we would have been rich had those cockroaches pay rent to get the fuck out. Yeah.

So in Internet2 it's like it's not like the big scary ones here, it's like the little ones, which is even worse when you see one little one. There's 500 more somewhere else in the apartment. Yeah. So sorry for that visual.

Everyone listening and forth through university, I think between third year and fourth year was like a really, really pivotal transition point for like a jump in the growth of my channel. And that's when I was able to start going to Videocon and fly you to L.A. and like Callao with the YouTube ers and start like building a network and like talking to people about it. Half of like my learning experience on YouTube was just like being able to sit down and hang out with the YouTube and being like, oh like.

So that's how you color, correct? Oh, that's how you put footage in slow motion, because I had taught myself everything just off of the Internet. Right. Meanwhile, my degree is like sitting here being like, what about us? And I'm like, look, you would agree you didn't be anything but no, that's not true. I did. Well, yeah, it's debatable. Ryerson good enough.

Oh, my God, I feel like I mean, I can't wait for the fucking speech they invite you back to, you know, they they always lied to my Dems are trying to get me to do alumni stuff.

And I was like, have you read any of the news articles I've ever Ilina Kentucky does, too.

And I remind them I did not graduate. Never. Did you want to give me an honorary degree? Oh, no, the don't get into my fucking DBMS again. Let me know. So you an honorary will they ever do that, do you think?

I haven't done anything near worthy enough giving me an honorary degree. But you know, maybe one day.

Like what they give you a business degree or a percussion degree. A business and a business. Yeah. I think you've done enough in business to serve a business degree. It's yet had I gone to the classes and finished it, I guess I guess you're too busy being my acoustic crush, babe, too busy being and boyfriend. Go on. So, yeah, fourth year is when I really started to, like, learn more, grow faster. I remember I think I.

When did your parents cut you off? Oh, fourth year.

That's why they cut me off his fourth year because I was officially making enough to pay my own rent, pay my tuition, pay my own phone.

I want to downplay that. Have been like now just unplug him for the blogs.

Mom, I don't know. I mean, I also was like we we needed to find a new housing situation because of the cockroaches. And I was like, OK, like, I can afford to like, make this jump now. And I got a place by myself in like a great area in the entertainment district in Toronto. And it was a really, really cute little like tiny one bedroom scene. It's cute. Yeah. Zubrycki It was tiny, tiny, tiny, but it was super, super cute.

And like that's when I was starting to work with, like, bigger brands as well. I had this manager for, you know, coming up on a year. And I started working with like PSG Canada, like Procter and Gamble, which is like insane. And I made a video for Starbucks Canada. I made a video for Target Canada.

May she rest in peace because in those brands are sponsoring the podcast. Yeah, well, you know, Canadian budgets are much smaller than American budgets also. So keep that in mind.

I'm well, they're sisters and brothers. Go on. But it really started feeling like a viable option. So I was still going to school for the most part. They definitely skipped a lot of class. Don't get me wrong.

Like, how big was your audience at this point? I like big enough. So the people are, like, stopping you to get pictures?

Oh, I was I was definitely living somewhat of a double life where I would take maybe one photo a day on campus just because, like, my campus obviously had, like, started picking up on, like, what I was doing. And, you know, like the student newspaper might feature me, you know, and like a super tiny little article, people like, oh, that's like the YouTube girl or whatever, like, oh, craft nerd.

That's crap, girl. She not fucking at that time. Not fucking publicly or at all. Just kidding. I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin.

OK, got it. So it was like this weird dynamic of like working with these incredible brands who I mean even just like when you're in a room with Panji and this is something that I had built out of my shitty dorm room like this brand, like I was having kind of an identity crisis, like not in a in a bad way, where my ego was like crazy inflated. But I was just like, what the fuck is happening right now?

Like, PMG wants me to create content for them. And it was just like a really weird thing to swallow because like a I was completely self-taught. Like I did not go to school for cinematography. I did not go to school for photography, graphic design, learned off of YouTube and Google. Like also if you look at any of their work in comparison to what you're shooting, it's like especially the time it was television commercials. Yes. Compared to your MacBook on your textbook.

Yes. Oh, my God. Yes, exactly.

Well, we had graduated from the MacBook on the the textbook of print media handbook. Got it.

We had gotten from there. Yeah, but that's exactly what I was thinking. I was like, I am an imposter. I am absolutely an imposter right now.

But if you want to cut me a check, like I'm fucking down, I'm down. And it was definitely in that year that I was like, oh my God. Like, am I is this is this going to be something I can do after school? Because, like, full transparency, I had no plans whatsoever. Once I the day that I graduated, I had no plans. Like, I didn't know what I was going to do with that degree.

I had no goals. I had no no path, like literally no direction to decide, like, what I was going to do. And I mentioned this earlier today. But, like, I am smart enough that I can regurgitate really well from a textbook and, you know, papers to put together something that is going to get an 80 percent. And like, did I learn a single thing from it? No. So like, if you had thrown me in that industry afterwards, I would be so absolutely underqualified.

Like, I feel like my peers that I was in class with were like, oh, look, I'm so excited to work for Rogers. I'm so excited to work for the printing house or whatever. Like they had they had goals and dreams.

And I'm over here being like a lot of the YouTube videos, like I just had no plan because I didn't know anyone that was a YouTube or as a full time job.

And I was making enough for it to be a full time job. But I was also still doing this degree that my parents are paying for every single year. So it's like it was like a weird it was like a weird place to be in a weird mindset.

So that won't happen. I think I think that this was the only point in my life where I didn't have a plan. I was going to say someone who always has a plan. I had no plan.

I had no plan. So I graduate with honors, mind you, for paying zero attention, knowing nothing, not giving a fuck and talking shit the entire time. I do not deserve an honors degree from this program whatsoever.

Isn't good enough. Oh, my God, I feel so bad. You know what, though? I had a great time at Ryerson, though, so I don't talk too much shit like person. Good enough. Good enough. You're right. It is good enough. Well, it was. It was good enough. It was good enough. Yeah. And and I don't regret a single thing that I did by staying in that program because, like, it has led me to where I am now.

So I would never take anything back but good enough.

Good enough. So I graduated and at this point I was definitely making enough to go full time. And I was like, oh my God, I have, you know, 12 hours of a day to make content. This is fucking insane. And like, I can afford to go to L.A. for a week and shoot with my friends and come back and edit it and then maybe do it again next month. At this point, I was kind of living by coast.

I wanna say coast looks. It wasn't it wasn't quite back. Kozel was going back and forth a lot.

And this is we're living more on two coasts than anybody else, you know, living more on to coast than anyone I knew.

That's a great way to put it. It's a great way to put it. And I. I definitely had experienced like winter seasonal depression, but, oh, my God, I am so living by myself now, making content from nine to five or whatever it might be on a full time basis. Right. Which is what I wanted. It was like my fucking dream. That's all I'd wanted for so many years of doing this and like doing both in like living this double life and like having both workload's on my plate.

Like this is all I had wanted and dreamed up for so long. Winter hits. And like, I feel like anyone who lives in a colder climate can speak to, like how real seasonal depression is. I would go multiple days, days on end with literally no human contact. All my friends were working 9:00 to 5:00 in like print houses and media houses and like working the jobs that we had gone to school for. So, like, fucking spoiler alert, like, yeah, they were doing what they went to school for.

You're the odd man out now.

I'm the odd man out. Yeah, 100 percent. And like, I still had a social life on the weekends, but I would go the whole week without seeing anyone.

Right. I worked from home. I worked by myself. I didn't leave. And everyone was busy working regular jobs. And I have never felt so isolated in that small, little dark apartment. It was super nice, you know, great like worked hard for it to be able to afford it. But it was it was such a 180. And I think I had such high expectations for what my life would be like once I was finally free. Like I held so much resentment against my program at the end because I was like, oh, like, why am I staying in this?

I can finally afford to like, have freedom and make more content and just pour.

Everything you have is only a detractor. It was only something it was in the way. It wasn't something. It was going to unlock anything for you. You were you looked at it as something like you knew what you already you looked at the degree and didn't get you any closer to anything you couldn't do by yourself. Right.

Right. The degree wasn't going to move me forward in the career that I had started to build for myself. Right. It really did nothing. It just unlocked more time for me to invest in this other thing that I was doing. And one of the biggest things I probably should have mentioned like five minutes ago is that high school boyfriend and I had broken up right before I graduated university and we had a really good terms. We ended up just feeling like we were like best friends.

I feel like a friend. Sarah can talk about this all the time. Is that like they loved each other and were like the best friends, but just didn't feel like they were like in a relationship love type of situation anymore? Right. And there was a similar dynamic that we had so broke up on good terms and, you know, dove headfirst into doing my career full time and in going back and forth to L.A. started, you know, making a new social circle out in L.A. as well.

So I think, like, fast forward six to eight months later, I found myself in a new relationship and not dissimilar to you with your ex and being in Kentucky and having a girlfriend out in L.A. I found myself in a similar situation. So boyfriend in L.A., I was in Toronto and I started I don't know when the seed got planted of the potential or the ability to move to L.A., but I started working on my visa to be able to live in the States for three years.

And that's a whole fucking process in itself. But I decided that I wanted to move to L.A. for two months in the winter, A, to escape the seasonal depression and be to be able to make content outside because like, that's what all like these California lifestyle girls were doing. They could fucking go to the beach every day and, like, make fun videos and here I am and like negative forty whether being like here is my holiday and I want there is no better marketing campaign than Los Angeles in the winter when you're coming from a fucking frozen tundra.

Absolute when you step off the plane, it's a matter how cold of the day it is in L.A. it's not negative five.

It's not nine to five. It's not negative five. It's not negative forty. No. And so moved to L.A. and for sure like having a relationship here was a, you know, a big push and it was also a cushion. You know, it's like you fall into an automatic social circle of people. You have like a safety net, moved you for two months. Obviously loved it. I just I rented an Airbnb that I had my own space so I could still film, brought all my equipment with me, was here for two months and it was great.

I toured apartments and found a spot, moved back to Toronto for like literally a month that I have packed up all my shit, was able to get out of my lease for my apartment and like I was sold like the minute I left L.A., I was like, I cannot wait to be back.

I feel like also and I remember this very clearly, you leave L.A. surrounded by people that are at least more like minded than anything you knew at home. And you get back home and it's those things, a little things that just irk you because the little comments about this or or people will say how amazing you're doing this or that. And it's just like all you can think about is how much being here keeps you from being able to be like the things you saw in L.A..

That was absolutely how I felt. I felt very like big No.8. Yeah, big fish, small pond. I felt very big fish, small pond again, like the YouTube, just like in media space in Toronto in 2015 was absolutely not what it is now. Like I see like the events and stuff that they don't pre covid used to have, but like it seems like it's absolutely flourishing now and it's much easier and there's more. Unity to be a creator, but back then, I had like maybe two creator friends and all of my friends were in L.A., so I felt like I was missing out and I felt like I wasn't making content up to the potential that I could be if I was able to relocate.

Right. And also, I think, like when the school thing disappears, it's like, OK, now what's happening on my way right now? It's standing in my way now and you can continue to like remove those. And then eventually you just go, oh, I'm the only thing that's standing in my way. But until I feel like you've done it long enough, you constantly have to look for, like, what you can improve upon for sure.

And so I packed up my car and I was able to shift my car to L.A. with all my shit in it and then just fly here with a few suitcases in my car, like, caught up with me a few days later or a few weeks later, I think. And plus my parents, like, they came out here with me, got me settled cause they did.

I know I know my parents really being the best all like the whole way along the whole way.

My mom is like, where are you going? You're going to go they're going to move there. OK, have fun in spirit.

No. On Spirit, yeah, you know, my parents were so supportive every step of the way, like I'm so lucky and like they were my number one children's number one fan. My mom to this day has watched every single day of logbooks and every single podcast and every dime here. Let's keep going and moving to L.A. It was the weirdest time of my life, like I was in the peak of the making, really saturated, like make your life look perfect.

Lifestyle videos with all of my friends like that was just like the thing to do and like the biggest trend. And honestly, I can attribute so much of my growth on the platform to that era of YouTube. And I had a new relationship. I had literal physical freedom to do whatever I wanted. I recently had just gotten my visa. So like stress free there was in the States now as a Canadian and I had financial freedom, which was something that typically does not go hand in hand with having like physical freedom and financial freedom.

You skipped some serious struggle phases and I think the rest of the world comes through and sets off like you finally get out of your parents house and college and all sorts of things. And it's like and you're fucking broke. So there are 60 hours a week of doing the job. You have to be able to exist and hopefully you can get out of that. Right.

Like at that stage, I didn't have to I got to skip the entry level position of, like, grinding for no money. Right. And I mean, not to say that I wasn't working 60 hours a week when I was serving. So like and I think that that also like gives you so much perspective later on when you are able to work hard and earn money and make money is like having those those jobs that are so physically and emotionally demanding.

Like I will always say that serving is the hardest job that I have ever had. I kind of found myself in a bubble like I was in this relationship where he was in a similar position as well, like physical freedom to do whatever he wanted and financial freedom to do whatever he wanted to spend, go do whatever, because we had, like, this unrealistic amount of YouTube money and it was so much fun, like, don't get me wrong.

Like, we had so much fun, like our entire friend group. It was a great group of people who again, in all similar positions.

But it it put me in a bubble where I did not grow as an individual for a couple of years in the time of being in this like weird, happy, perfect bubble where everything is just like fun and free was also the period content wise where we were doing those, like lifestyle videos where you're making everything look so perfect and Tumblr and Pinterest and just like this unrealistic standard as to what someone in their late teens or early 20s life actually looks like.

Right.

And I mean, I think every lifestyle creator has spoken to, like, how weird of a time in our lives that was for us as well. And I was also, you know, part of this relationship that was public with another creator who was making daily videos. And I want to give myself credit for past me for always keeping my DIY brand a little bit separate.

Like I didn't I never stopped, like, making crafting and creative videos. I was definitely a part of this, like other side brand of this. And it's so horrible to call the relationship a brand. But like, when you're creating content every day and it's, you know, two personalities coming together that frequently to create content, that that's realistically what it becomes. Right. And I think daily blogging a relationship, you know, a few things happen subconsciously that you don't plan for because the things that you do plan for are to you know, you don't want to you're not going to show your fights.

You're not going to show the bad times. You're going to show when it's not good. And so in turn, that creates this picture perfect, curated fifteen minutes of your life every single day. And he had a younger audience and like I was still family friendly at the time. So, you know, our audiences, you know, merged and became very, very passionate about this brand that we had created as a relationship. And they held our relationship up on a pedestal.

And I don't I don't blame them like that is the picture that we accidentally created. OK, it's not accidental. You're purposefully doing it your purpose.

You're right. You're purposely doing it, but not with the intention, I guess, to mislead. It was with the intention to not show the negative side of relationships. That's so natural. I mean, just think about this month, right, with you daily blogging just this month. Right. Even so, like I I find myself not responding in a way to things when I know that there might be a camera onto you in a way that could be perceived as someone can't catch my sarcasm, I'm even editing or making sure that I'm trying to put on it.

Because if you just respond to something, then there's no context like, oh, he was mean, all right. Or why should be like this. And I think it's one of those things where there's a good reason why brands can't target kids to advertise because they cannot delineate the oh, this is something that's supposed to convince me to buy something as opposed to this is something that it's just being entertaining. Right. There's a there's a real reason for that.

And if you if you give someone if you put time and effort into creating as perfect of a digestible picture of who you are for every single day and people put it in their routine, how would they not think that that's who you personally.

Yeah, exactly. That's what I mean. It's like we we weren't trying to. Mislead anyone we were just trying to counter actively ensure that people weren't taking things out of context or thinking that we were mean or, you know, doing something that optically could be misleading. Yeah, that wasn't the intention at all, but that's where it ended up. Right. And so when the relationship didn't work out, it was devastating for a lot of these younger fans who also, you know, don't have enough life experience to know that just two people who aren't on the same page just naturally are going to go their separate ways.

And that's just the reality of life, is that not every couple is going to stay together because I was in a public relationship, you know, and this is this is like so fucked. But you have to make a little public statement that you were no longer together because how else how else would you relate that information you don't even like we couldn't just like they couldn't go from making content every single day with someone to just, like, admitting that person and being silent about it, especially because your viewers feel like the authenticity of the relationship is so real to not have, I guess, a conversation about that.

Like, I guess I just felt like the best course of action was for us to sit down together and make a joint statement. Right. That was like that felt like the path of least resistance for either of us having negativity send our way.

And I think about how many like literal death threats I got after we broke up. And that was after we'd made a joint statement saying that, like, we are no longer together, but please, like, focus on being positive. So, like, I can't imagine what would have happened had it not gone down like that. Like, I don't know what the answer is like. That's just not something that you learn or are taught at any point in your life is how to, you know, be in a public relationship.

And then how to end a public relationship like that is not a fucking textbook.

I wish Ryerson had taught me that.

Good enough. Good enough. OK, so I've heard the story a thousand times and I think some people have heard it a half dozen times in different portions and different segments. So I'm going to ask the questions that I think are actually of interest to people who are maybe just learning about for the first time or people that are more in tune with what went down, at least from a public optics perspective. What do you regret? Um, wow, that's a great question.

That is a great question.

I mean, I don't think that they're I mean, I'm sure there are things that I regret, but I would say the major focal points of my career, I guess, that people might think of, like moving to L.A. and being part of that like overly saturated lifestyle, content creation, having a public relationship like I don't think that I would say that I fully regret any of it. Like I think that I learned something very integral as to who I am now and how to create content moving forward and how to, you know, react and how to evolved and how to handle my ego and also how to publicly handle some really intense shit in my in my social media.

I thought that was a kind of a copout. But I'll take it. I mean, no, no.

Like, there are definitely things like I think like like post breakup publicly. I definitely send out a few passive aggressive tweets or something, you know, I mean, like there's the petty shit like that that I definitely was like that was an immature, weak moment where I was human and wasn't able to filter out the fact that, like, I am sending this out to millions of people who will have an emotional reaction to this tweet.

So looking back. What mistakes did you make along the way that inevitably became the biggest learning points, right, from learning what you didn't want to do again?

I I got caught up in an exchange of happiness for money and views. What do you mean? I the content that I was making, I don't know if there was like a pivotal point or like a specific video where I felt like I was sedentary and I had not grown at all.

I almost feel like I just woke up one morning. I was like, oh my fucking God, I'm so unhappy. Like, I'm genuinely so unhappy with the type of content that I'm making. And I think it was hard for me to realize that because they're like you were rewarded with money and views when a video does well. And if you're not enjoying the process, you know, people are still congratulating you on your quote unquote success.

And so, you know, you waver and go back and forth. I'm like, well, I'm I'm you know, so quote unquote successful right now. Like, why am I not happy like this? This obviously is is working and I should continue to do it. But there was just a point in time and I've spoken to this openly before, but just like it's very much around making content for an audience that I no longer relate to at all, you know, for someone who might be 10 or 12.

And here I am in my, you know, young mid 20s and I'm like, I'm not fucking going back to school. I don't want to make I don't want to decorate a binder anymore. And it was it was sacrificing my happiness for this, quote unquote, success. Right. And I decided that I just didn't want to do that anymore. I didn't want to title my videos with misleading shit. I didn't want to click bait anymore. I didn't want to curate any kind of perfect relationship.

And again, that was never that was never a conscious decision that we were making to mislead people. But I mean, that was the picture that we had created, you know, based on what we just talked about. But I no longer wanted to hide anything that was messy. I didn't want to hide any conversation around mental health. I didn't want to hide breakdowns. And I wanted to just be myself. And that obviously meant taking a massive cut.

And I cut.

But like, it would be such a drastic transition that it would be shocking for a lot of the viewers, especially over on my main channel, where that's been around for nine years. So someone who subscribed eight years ago, you know, has a different idea of who I am than someone who subscribed yesterday. Right. And people don't, you know, always enjoy change. And for something to be this drastic for them, it's it's not always going to be a positive experience.

And I think it was just having to swallow that pride of being like, I have to be OK with being in the red every single day on all my social media platforms. I have to be OK with making less money. I have to be OK with optics. And like people seeing that my video views are going for one million views. A video, two, maybe one hundred and fifty thousand. I have to be OK with that and I have to be OK to swallow my ego and just know that, like when I wake up every day that I am a happier person, I'm making organic, authentic content that I'm excited about making.

And I'm excited to have new conversations with viewers who are potentially going through similar things or in a similar period of their life. And so call it a trade off, but it was literally just regaining control of my own happiness and what defines my happiness. You know, I think there was a point where there was money and views, and that was what was driving my idea of what success looked like. And there was that day that I woke up and I was like this.

This isn't making me happy. This doesn't feel like success to me. And I need to repair ties, my values and to figure out what actually does make me happy. To a degree, when you don't have money and views, it's nice to get money and views, which once you've accumulated enough money and enough views, then you're just doing more shit to get more of what you already have. I think a tough pill for anyone to be in the entertainment industry to swallow is that we all have an expiration date.

Everybody? Yeah, it doesn't matter. It could be two days before you die. But like we all have an expiration date of when people are no longer interested and giving the most valuable asset, which is time to you. Right. And you look at the legends that came and I mean the legends that came before us. There's a living like Madonna has reinvented herself. How many times? Oh, my God. Yeah. Literally when she did it the first five, six, seven, ten times, there wasn't someone that was able to put a message in a forum that she was able to see on her cell phone in nineteen eighty two.

Right. The the label and the agency and everyone, you know, redid everything. And she had a massive movie then a big performance that came out and people could just talk about it later and the press obviously could help or, or bring her down. It's a different era. But I think what's interesting is that you came about. His decision with all you have a team with a limited number team and our seemingly endless, I can see that you are happier from it.

My my next question is really how do you think you're going to keep from falling into that cycle again?

I mean, I think it's like when you go so far down into it once, I don't think that'll end up there again, ever. Like I think that that's dangerous.

You know, when you don't think. And maybe I'm just I'm not an optimist in that capacity, I think that all of the mistakes that I've made are very easy to make again. And I don't see myself as someone who's no longer apt to making those exact same mistakes.

So I think I think for me, in viewing, like content creation, I treat every video now as a new test, as a new piece of content, because it's not episodic, it's not in a series. I can try something new every single week. Right. And so if last week's video didn't make me happy, you know, OK, what are we going to do this week? Like what's next? Like what's next? And that makes you happy.

But I think I think I'm I don't really know right now. And that's that's like this conversation that we've been having forever. Well, like, literally a few weeks ago, I had a mental breakdown being like, I don't want to be Lord DIY anymore. I said, Why? Yeah. Oh, no.

It's because I was frustrated with the perception that this old audience had of me. And I felt trapped and I felt cornered by it. I felt like I couldn't evolve. But I literally get to write my own story. And so, like, I don't know why that small, older, like, old passed audience was holding me back. And I've created so much in such an incredible brand under the name Lord DIY like literally fucking craft topia, like having an HBO show, a fucking craft topia.

Like that's such an incredible opportunity that I would have never had had I not created this like DIY brand.

And I'm proud of it and I should own that shit. And I get to write my own story and do whatever I want to do next. And you know what makes me happy last week? OK, well, next week, let's let's do something that does make me happy. And I think that I was so controlled by figuring out what works and sticking to that and staying in that lane where I was just like the way that content is consumed now, things are changing so fast.

I think tick tock is a big part of that. But I think that more now than ever, I have the landscape to be able to do that. So and not to get to like just big picture, but like, I guess my question is what what challenges, what struggles are you currently dealing with that you feel like are you or your Ryerson that feel like you're not the content that you want to make? What are the things that are holding you back you're currently working on?

I mean, I think it's transitioning a massive audience. You know, that, again, would have subscribed nine years ago, five years ago, three years ago. I don't I don't know I don't know what what their perception of me is. So it's every video I'm trying to put my best foot forward in terms of being like my most organic self.

And if people enjoy it and they stay great, if they don't, I would actually prefer them to unsubscribe, you know, because I want to view what I'm so proud of, you know, but like I would if if I could automatically unsubscribe. People who are not interested in the content I'm making now, I would rather lose five million subscribers than how people see my content and be, like, literally upset about it. Right. Because my goal is not to ruin someone's day.

Right. So I think right now the hurdle is, I think a ego, just like learning every day and how to be comfortable in being in a negative trajectory in some ways, but in other ways, like I'm I'm happy to see people unsubscribe because that means that they're seeing my new content and they're making a decision to be like, this isn't for me. And I'm like, OK, great, like have a great life. Like I'm finding my new audience.

And, you know, there's an exchange for that. It's new people that are coming in when opportunity cost. OK, salesman. Yeah, sure. But yeah, I mean you have to out with the old. With the new.

Yeah absolutely. And that's how I feel. And whether that results in, you know, a loss of three million subscribers, like I have to learn how to deal with that optically and ego wise and just know that like I wake up every day being like I love my job, I love the shit that I'm making, and I'm so grateful to have this opportunity, this platform.

Well, I love you and I'm very proud of you.

Thank SPOO. Welcome back. And Brian. Oh, God, this is this this might be your longest epic yet.

I'm looking at the time stamp.

Yeah it's definitely I know it's definitely a long as I told you, I'm real bad, it real bad at summarizing things now but it's just like I, I know where you struggle and I think it's very, very, very similar to a lot of people are the same age in a very different industry or who are older or younger. And to me it's like. Talk about you who you actually are, because realistically, if people are interested in who you are and whether they've been interested, you are not in the past, right.

You'll always be able to have an authentic connection with people who are checking in today. Right. And you can't have any control over what happened a year ago and you can't have any control over what's going to happen in a year from now outside of, you know, the steps to get there. You do have control over today. So it's just like the people that really fuck with you or this podcast or all the things that you do, the Poppo like, they're not going to be upset if you continue to tell them and be honest with them about what you're going to do tomorrow if you just keep reinventing yourself constantly and not trying to put yourself into a box.

And that's what I think you just doing a really good job with. And to me, it's like twenty, twenty one is going to be even bigger and more you in whatever that looks like for sure.

I agree. And I think 20, 21, I'll probably lose the most subscribers, you know, that I've lost since starting my YouTube career. But I think that content wise and like happiness wise and like seeing value in what I'm creating is going to be the best year. Or maybe I'll just find a whole new fucking huge audience and it'll be the best year of my subscribers to who knows? But I mean, you're closer to me being a pool boy.

Be fantastic.

I love that for you. Yeah, but it's just I'm mentally prepared for being in the red every single day at the cost of my happiness, you know what I mean? Backwards, backwards, backwards, yeah, backwards. Yeah, yeah, you know what I meant, you know, Ryerson.

I feel so bad. That's been the tagline of this fucking podcast. I feel so bad. OK, well, I don't know if you have any questions because I missed massive chunks of my life, which I'm sure that I fucking did. Please, please listen to the comments. I'll do my best or text us on the show until nine hotline grab some merch. Our pup is outside the pod cast room door right now, just sitting there sulking because we're 20 minutes past dinnertime.

So we do have to go. Well, you know what, keep us honest, and in February, March, April, May, June, we might have to do one of these again because like, you know, when I said I didn't know what I fucked up the most, this is what I fucked up the most. This is it right here. This upsetter from feeding moves late. No, no, no, no. Just maybe our new mistakes.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did. I never been in a more consistent and happy and just like set with who I am. Right. And to me it's very much what we do together. And Pandemic obviously has got so much shit along with it. And there's so many bad things are going on in the world, but it kind of illuminates the things that are good for sure. More. Yeah. That was your that was your recap of that.

I sure I saw your bandage on your finger and I was thinking about your little cut and then I got distracted and now we're here, which I think means that I'm in a little bit of have a great need for your pop, a can of whatever bottle, pop a bottle or whatever.

Can't be enough unless you're in AA and then water. It is a little Diet Coke water. It is, baby. We are very, very excited to bring you the same type of shit next year. Oh yes.

Shit. Oh, fuck. That cheesy thing we can say. See you next year, bitches. Bye, guys. I see.