Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. This is a dicey prompt. Tell us about a time you cheated. Oh my Lord. It's not what you think. It's not what we thought it was going to be. I thought it was going to be a bunch of affairs of the heart.

Yes, but we did make clear, don't make it just affairs of the heart. We want a wide range.

Open it up. There's nothing gross in this one. I think you can eat through all of it.

I think so.

Boy, we just don't know, but I'm at 80% positive you can eat. Pretty sure.

Risk it.

Prepare a meal and enjoy Cheated.

All times, come and go.

Good times, take them slow.

I have a really important PSA for the Armcherries before we jump into this.

Love PSAs. This is real. This is serious.

Oh, wow. Okay. I can never tell from the phone.

Well, it is relevant to Armchair Anonymous. Okay, so my friend, Brit, you've met her. She's wonderful. Brit Dean. Love her. She texted me today that multiple people sent her the Scams episode of Armchair Anonymous because a couple of days ago, her and her boyfriend were going to Mexico, and someone called her parents and said, We have your daughter. We've kidnapped her in Mexico. Mexico, and they used AI to make her voice.

Oh, my Lord. For real? Yeah.

This happened to Brit? Yes. And the mom was like, It was your voice.

Oh, my goshness.

Isn't that horrifying?

You know what's crazy? People are just going to have to assume that no one's ever been kidnapped. You can't take one serious.

She was like, Now we have a safe word. And so then I immediately texted my parents and I said, Okay, if this happens to me or any of us, we need a safe word. Do you think, though, that under the stress and pressure of the sitch, you would forget the your safe word? No, I know it well.

Tell us your safe word. No.

But also she did say, Our safe word should be this. And I said, We can't write it. So we made a new one.

But you said it on the phone to each other? No.

It'd be like if I said, It's going to be Kristen's middle name. Okay, great. And everyone said, Okay. Kristen. Yeah, exactly. No, Annie.

I know.

Well, Ann. It's not Ann. Andrea. That's not the safe word. Honestly, tell your families about this because this is bad.

Also, just hang up and call your child and see if they answer in their safe. Well, they were flying. Oh, they were flying. Well, how do you get kidnapped when you're flying?

Well, they didn't know about the flying. The full itinerary.

A lot of tips here. Share your full itinerary. Keep an open line of communication at all times. Tethered. Live to stream your entire lives. I mean, I'd like to look up the numbers of kidnapping. Honestly, they got to be way lower than getting hit by lightning. And it happened on TV, obviously, a lot. A lot of the shows I watch is kidnapping.

All right. Okay. Well, we can get into this. I just wanted to tell people that.

Hello. Hello.

You have an Afghan behind you.

I actually just finished crocheting this recently.

Do we still call those Afghans? That's what my mother called those growing up. I think so.

I think it's a tapestry or a blanket.

It's a blanket.

But it's nice and thick. The rows are really thick and curvy.

Yeah, it was a pandemic hobby. I did a whole blanket. I hated it. So then I took the whole thing apart, made a new ball, and then I just finished this a few days ago. So I had to show you guys.

Holly, that's a specific personality type. I'm impressed. That's a perfectionist. If you would unravel the whole thing. Yeah. So for the listener, this is a very good size blanket behind you. How long did it take you to do that?

This iteration? Two winters because it is a strictly winter hobby for me.

Oh, okay. Where are you, Holly? Do you want to guess? It's so hard because all we have is a blanket. Summer cold. Midwest. We'll start there.

Boston.

Okay, summer cold.

East Coast. It's summer cold. You're right.

Okay, so you have a story about a time you cheated.

Yes. I'm curious what form of cheating you guys are going to hear.

Us, too, because we don't know. Emma knows. Emma reads them all. Emma knows. Yeah. So it's always a surprise for us.

I'll preface my story by saying I was a shy kid growing up. I had the best family you could ever ask for, and I was a good student. So there's no explanation for this behavior. Okay. But I was in fifth grade, and I went through this phase of bringing hot pockets into school. I had permission for my teacher to stay back while she brought the students down to lunch, and I would warm up the hot pocket behind her desk and then go down to the cafeteria.

Wow, you were a teacher's pet.

Yeah, very special. Special privileges. Definitely. Did you have a favorite hot pocket? I'm just curious.

The Ham and cheese. Classic.

That's a classic. The steak and cheese, though, was dynamite.

I liked the pizza ones.

I don't think I had steak and cheese. It's hardy. I honestly don't think I've had a hot pocket since then.

I could get into a Hot Basket. Oh, yeah.

We were given a math test one day, and it wasn't standardized testing, but it was a statewide test. They made it clear it wasn't going toward our final grade. They were just trying to gage knowledge across the state. I took this test. I am not a math whiz. It was a math test, and I did not do well. I knew that. So later that day, when I was warming up my hot pocket, I just was inspired to go through my teacher's desk.

It's always the people closest to you that betray you.

Exactly. I found the answer key and my test, and I got a pencil, and I erased all of my very wrong answers. I left one wrong, though, because I'm an evil genius. And I was like, this way, I won't get caught How old were you again? Fifth grade, so 11. Like I said, I've never done anything like this before.

And Holly, about roughly how many questions were on the test?

I think like 30, and it was all multiple choice.

So one wrong is still pretty crazy. You should have done probably three wrong. You could have done three wrong and still been in the 90 % A range.

But it doesn't matter. It didn't matter. Right.

Well, we're going to find out. I bet maybe it did.

Well, I meant it wouldn't have mattered for her grade. It was a weird time to cheat. Exactly.

I just went on with my life. A few weeks later, my best friend Lizzie overheard teachers talking and saying, Holly got the best score in the whole grade. She's going to get an award at the fifth grade graduation. No.

Sure. Oh, no.

Fuck. She quickly this to me.

And you had told her you cheated? No. Okay, great. Good.

I just started to panic, and I was and still am a very anxious child. So just internalizing this fear. Fast forward to the graduation, we sing a horrible rendition of Because You Loved Me and brought flowers down to our families. And the principal explains the math test and said, The student who got the high score not only did the best in the grade, but did the best in the state. No.

This is... Oh my God, I'm feeling sweaty.

This is the perfect punishment for cheating. Yes. You think it would be to reprimand somebody, but everyone just celebrate you and you're searing inside.

Oh my God. And think about the Second best. I know. That's so sad.

And they probably got 14 wrong. She thought, Oh, yeah, I'll get 10 % wrong.

She got one wrong.

It's funny. I was talking to my mom last night, and she was like, Yeah, I wasn't listening to that part because I just figured some brainiac was going to win this award. And then I heard your name, and I was shocked.

Oh, my God. Well, look, she was right. This is really scary, though, because as soon as you open this door to being a math genius when you're not even good at math, then it's like, Oh, you should test to see if you can get into Mensa.

Or you should be on the precalc trajectory. Exactly. You should be taking Treg and precalc at the same time in 10th grade. Oh, my God.

Or what if they were like, why don't you in the math team? You need to redo this test?

Yeah, we need you to do it live.

Yeah, in front of everyone.

All right, well, what happened? So they called your name.

I remember walking down the bleachers, but I don't remember receiving the award. My family was so thrilled and excited for me. So I was like, I'm going to die with this secret. But I was like, It's fifth grade. Nobody cares. But in case you didn't know, after fifth grade, there's more math to take after that. Sure.

Sure, quite a lot. Another seven years of it, as I recall.

So every year, I would not be doing well in math. And my parents would be like, What? You won the math award. I I understand.

Best math petition in the state. What a fall from grace.

Exactly.

The narrative I came up with, I was like, It was multiple choice. I got lucky. I don't know what to tell you. Eventually, I don't know why, finally in high school, I told my best friend Lizzie, who was the one who overheard I was going to win, and she was shocked. And then I told some more friends once I got to college, and they thought it was so funny. And they were like, You're clearly still harboring this anxiety. Your parents are fantastic. Just tell them.

Yes, yes, yes.

That summer, we were vacationing in Nantucket, and my mom's boss's beautiful summer home. And it was my parents, my grandparents, my sister and brother-in-law, Lizzie and me all around the dinner table. I unleashed the full story, and everyone was just crying, laughing. My grandma told me she had never been more proud of me than finding this out. She's a notorious cheater.

Proud of you for cheating, not for being honest about cheating.

For cheating. Now, the joke with the family that whenever my math skills are brought up, they're just like, But you won that math award. That's my story.

You know what's interesting is it could have been a weird self-fulfilling prophecy where you were so neurotic about getting found out that you ended up working six times as hard to maintain this lie and became a good mathematician. That could have also happened. Did you find yourself working harder at it? Or you knew, I'm never going to be able to maintain this?

I knew my brain didn't work that way, but I worked hard and would say after school because I was like, I just don't get this. So that also added to the chaos.

Yeah. What if you would have faked a head injury? You came home from school and you're like, Oh, my God, I fell and hit my head on a rock, mom. I hope nothing's broken permanently. To justify why she sucked at math again all of a sudden. That's how lies build.

It is. And then you go to the doctor. She takes you to the doctor and you have to make up the whole scenario of how you fell and Lizzie accidentally tripped you. Liz.

Yeah, Wow.

Oh, man. What a story. I like that.

That's really cute, Holly.

It is cute.

I like when good girls are naughty for no reason.

Of course you do.

Yeah. So unpredictable.

It's not for no reason. It's because you want to be perfect. Again, like your Afghan blanket.

It all comes back to the blanket. It does.

What a delight meeting you, Holly.

You, too. And I just quickly need to say how much this podcast means to me. I've been an avid listener since day one. You guys have taught me how to be introspective and curious, and I just love and appreciate you both so much, and Wabi Wab, if he's there. He's here.

He sure is. He's currently really frustrated he can't get our coffee maker to work. The look of consternation on his face is similar to right before you unraveled your Afghan.

That was a long process.

We appreciate that so much. We're so glad you've been listening the whole ride. I hope you'll stick with us for another jaunt.

I'm not going anywhere.

Okay, wonderful. We'll be well and very nice meeting you, Holly. Thank you.

You, too. Bye-bye.

It's so weird that I wave no Now you don't wave. I know.

I think maybe just- You took my thing.

Yeah, you want to do your own thing. Yeah.

Some things are just mine and mine only. I know. You're cool.

You're a trendsetter. She curtsy or something. Oh.

Or fart. Oh.

Bye. That's how Monica says goodbye. It's proprietary to her. Don't do it or else you have to change.

Please don't get it. She'll stop. We're on malaria pills. Did you take yours? Yeah, I took it.

Hello. Hi there. What fake name do we like for you?

I thought it'd be fun to have you guys pick any generic a generic white guy name.

Well, but you're not just a generic white guy because you got spiky hair and some tattoos. I'm going to call you Justin. I like that. I think that fits. How do you feel about that name? Every Justin I ever met was super cool.

Then I'm going to embrace it. Call me Justin.

Okay. Justin, I'm encouraged by the fact that you don't want your real name used because I hope it means your cheese is Juicy.

Yeah, unfortunately, a little bit. Okay.

All right, let's hear it.

Where are you? Oh. No. Sorry, we're both on malaria pills, so we're a little out of sorts.

I was I'm going to ask, have you taken your upcoming trip to India yet?

That's tomorrow morning. But this one, you're right.

We'll be back.

We don't want anyone to know while we're gone because I don't want to murder my family. But yes, we'll be back by the time this year. We'll be back by the time this air. And so we started our malaria pills a few hours ago. We're a little nervous that they're making us insane, but I think we're doing okay.

Yeah, because the background is nuts. For a second, I thought maybe it was just me going crazy. Already. But I think you have done something cool.

So funny enough, I actually have my child's play tent perched above me. I don't have a walk-in closet, and I'm trying to play by the as well as possible. I appreciate it. My background is blurred because it looked ridiculous, I thought.

Okay, so launch into how you cheated.

Okay, a little bit of backstory here. I was in my senior year of undergrad to be a teacher. This is back in the 2010, 2011 school year, and I was doing my student teaching. Where I went to college was a city, but close by with some more rural communities. I was set up at an elementary school It was a bit smaller town close by to do my student teaching there. I'm this 21-year-old kid, in a weird spot in life in general.

Can I just say, Justin, that's too early to go like, God, I'm already a teacher and I'm going to do this the rest of my life? Is that where you were feeling?

Exactly. I am living with five other guys in a college house, still very much doing college guy things, but in the daytime, I'm in charge of a room full of 10-year-olds being this professional adult guy. It's actually a kindergarten through eighth grade building. So gives you an idea of the size of town. They were in need of another track coach. I was a collegiate athlete myself. I'm not for track and field.

You did gymnastics?

I was not a gymnast, no.

I'm looking at your physique. Peak, and it looks very gymnast to me, which is a very high compliment.

What was your sport? So believe it or not, I was actually a collegiate football player. I was about 40 pounds heavier than what I am right now. So I'm going to take the compliment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, I'm like, Hey, I can be a middle school track coach. Fast forward a couple of weeks into the season, we've practiced. We now have our first meet. There's not a ton of coaching. It's more babysitting and encouraging.

I did junior high track and field. It was the funnest activity of my life. Randy Hammond and I were both high jumpers. We were dating. There's all these other kids you're looking at me.

You loved it so much.

I loved it. I decide I'm just going to post up by one of the common starting line areas. And so smaller track, smaller bleachers. And then there's just a 4 foot high chain link fence around the area where a lot of parents are congregating. As I'm scanning, making sure my kids aren't messing around and getting in trouble and stuff, I felt like my eyes made eye contact with a mom. I just felt like she was looking at me.

Young mom?

Middle school-age child. I would guess right at the 40, mom. Okay.

Juicy. Here we go.

Very attractive mom.

Yeah, they can be. Yeah.

I noticed her and I felt her eyes kept being on me. But I have a girlfriend. I am trying to make a good impression on this town and school. Just keep doing my thing. Next week, another track meet. Notice the mom there. Again, I noticed the eyes locked on.

For the listener, you're extremely handsome.

Yeah, yeah, really outrageous.

This is all making sense. Yeah, there's tracks. Yeah, there's track and fields.

Tracks and we'll find out if it fields.

Thank you very much for the handsome comment. That's very flattering. But yeah, so a couple of weeks goes by, and now we're approaching the the school year. I finally have a pretty good relationship with one of the other track coaches there. She was a seventh-grade teacher at the school. And so, again, we're in the same building. We're having lunch together and stuff. One day, I put out a feeler of like, what's going on here? Am I completely nuts? And so I said, Hey, what's up with... We'll just refer to her as Track Mom. I didn't know her name. I didn't know her situation or anything. And small town, everybody knows everything. And she just was like, oh, my gosh. She's newly divorced, very much on the prowel, has gotten a name for herself. Got some money in the divorce. She made some enhancements to herself.

Oh, bodily enhancements.

She got bigger knees. Longer legs.

She dished me in. I'm like, I don't think I'm crazy then. I really do feel like she's making eyes at me and on one hand flattered. But again, I've got a girlfriend. I'm not trying to do anything here.

We know you had a girlfriend. She has to say that. We know.

This is a cheating story, so that part is He doesn't want to get to the part where...

Yeah, well, I'm here. I'm out with my friends in my college town. Some of the smaller towns, not a lot going on. And so if you're looking to go to the bars and have some fun, typically come to that area. I'm with my friends, throwing back beers, having a good time, and in walks, track mom and a friend. Oh, boy. I actually didn't even notice it right away. We were at a bar where we were throwing darts, but a couple of my friends actually noticed. They were actually the ones who pointed her out. Again, I'm She mentioned she was attractive. They're like, Oh, my gosh, look at that mom that walked in. And she started looking over at her group. And my friend Matt was like, Hey, man, she's not looking at our group.

She's looking at you. She's been stalking this prey for a whole season. She did. She stalked you. Yeah. She's finally lurching in the tall grass. She's so excited.

She makes her way over to our group with some shots, starts chatting us up.

Very motherly, very maternal. Very responsible.

And between the ego boost from my friends and the little bit of liquid courage. The night goes on, group disperses a little bit, and I wind up in her vehicle heading home to her house.

Well, her and her ex-husband's house?

Just her house now. But yes, I would imagine was also the ex-husband's home. I did ask, not until we were walking into the home. So I was like, Oh, my God, your kids aren't home, are they?

My students aren't in there.

Your daughter, that a coach, is not sleeping right now, is she? And she said, No, the kids are at their dad's this weekend. So I sit down on the couch and she goes into the kitchen, just around the corner, comes out holding two drinks. And that was all that she had on her body.

Oh, you're lucky, Justin.

Oh, my God.Wow, she was thirsty.

What a cougar. Yeah, there was no other thought in my mind at that point. No girlfriend, no nothing. Yeah, of course. We very much enjoyed our time together in a few different rooms. Oh, I'm not I'm not a person who lives with regrets by any means. I think life's full of opportunities. Some of them you learn from, and some of them are just really great experiences. This was one I certainly learned from because as soon as we were finished having our fun, she helped gather my clothes, walked me to the door, shut the door right behind me, said, thanks.

That's the dream, for a hookup you're going to regret.

Did you want to keep dating her?

No, definitely not. But by then, I was certainly completely sober, sitting in a driveway of a that I was teaching in and really hoping nobody could see me. I did call one of my friends, and I do feel bad because I totally lied to him at the time. I said that I went with full intention to hook up with her and then thought better of it. And she got mad and kicked me out. I felt terrible about it. I'm not a cheater. That was actually the one and only time in my relationship life that I've done anything like that. And the guilt really got to me. I actually came clean to my girlfriend at the time. How did that go? Funny enough, she thought I made it That's lucky. We were approaching the end of college. We were already seeing that life moving forward into adulthood didn't involve the both of us. And so she thought I was making it up as a way to just end things.

You know, so Justin, it's not a coincidence that this cougar picked you because the innocence, the fact that you hadn't ever cheated, how much you were wrestling with it, I think is exactly what she was looking for. No. Yes, the older woman.

Did you have your tattoos then?

No. But also he's got such a sweet moral.

Yeah, but he's hot.

Yeah, he's hot, but he's like a good boy hot. And he's teaching at the school. I'm putting it this way. If you and I were together in this scenario, she wouldn't have wanted me. She wouldn't have known, like, yeah, at the third track meeting, would have been like, Hey, what's up? You're staring at me. Let's talk about what's next. She actually wanted the innocent guy who she could slowly... Maybe. We don't know her. Let's get her on the phone. Yeah, let's go.

Rob, I think it's part of it. I don't think you're wrong. That's one thing that some of my friends used to say in college and stuff, that that was why girls would hit on me is because I would just have no clue.

I think they felt very safe with you.

That's why the tattoo's-Now you're dangerous.

Trying to proactively...

I cheated, and I totally learned from the experience and vowed to not do that again. And now, yeah, I'm a very happily married man.

You're in a children's fort.

These are tricky. Of course, I have a ton of regret about being unfaithful to certain people. I feel very guilty about it. Also, we were young I wasn't ever going to be with those people ultimately. And now some of the stories, it's a scale. For me, I'm glad you have this one experience. What do you think, Monica? Where are you at, Monica?

I'm not sure. You're not there. No judgment. I'm glad it's happened because now you're telling us and it's a good story. But I don't know that I want to say, I'm glad you cheated. That feels like a weird thing to endorse for anyone. People make their own decisions, and that's fine. I just feel like it's weird for us to say, Yeah, you cheated.

What I'm saying is you get one trip through life and you're missing some wild, crazy experience because you've convinced yourself this other thing is whatever.

Yeah, but also committing to a person, seeing that through and not hurting people is also a very terrible way to go through life.

It is for sure. But Committing when you're 14 and committing when you're 16, I don't know. Maybe I think we all commit a little too young in life.

I think everything happens for a reason. Life's full of learning experiences, and this is one for me. After that particular girlfriend and myself broke up, parted ways, moved on, the next woman that I was in a relationship with is my wife.

Oh, wow. Straight in. That was your one opportunity to go home with a 40-year-old mom.

Yeah. So it got the girl I wasn't supposed to be with out of the way, officially. It wasn't necessarily the best way of going about it, but here we are. And I'm sitting here talking to the both of you, which is just amazing.

Thanks for being honest and telling us.

Yeah, I liked it. I liked it a lot.

Yeah, it was a trip for sure.

Well, Justin, it was great meeting you. Yes.

Both you as well. And this is probably something that could give myself away for friends of mine that listen to this show and everything. But when my wife and I got pregnant and we were having a son, I jokingly said it once. I was like, what if we name him Dax? No.

Your son's name is Dax? Yeah. No way. Is he a little weirdo like me? Is he living up to the name? He's something.

That's for sure. He's totally adorable like you.

That's nice.

That is so sweet. I'm pretty honored and feel I'm not worthy of it because I just said I believe in cheating for the right experience. That's why I told you not to say that.

I'm already a terrible person. I told you not to say that.

I wouldn't have Dax as a son if I didn't do what I did.

How much can you really regret if you love where you landed? Monica's She's hanging on by a thread here.

I can feel the judgment.

There's no judgment. It's just towards me, not you. You're clean.

There's no judgment towards anyone. I'm not going to let codependency make me say, I think it's so great everyone's cheating. Oh, yeah. But I also am. I am glad you did what you did.

I hope no one heard my statement as everyone should cheat.

That's what I want to make sure.

I'm just saying there's certain examples in your life where you might regret how it made the person feel, but I don't know if you would choose to have not done it again.

Do it differently, for sure. Yeah, that's the point.

You're a kid and Scarlett Johansson comes to your town and she wants to go on a date with you. You know, maybe that's the one. You take that.

I guess. I mean, if I'm the girlfriend, though, it's never okay to me.

Of course. And for me, it's fine. If Matt Damon When it comes to town, we're dating and you plow him at the campground, I'm like, Yeah, you got to take that shot. I can live with that. Everyone's different. All right, well, Justin, thank you so much and so flattering. I wish you and Young Dax and your lovely wife all the best.

I appreciate it. Thank you both.

All right. Take care. Oh, hello. Hi. How are you?

Hey, good. How are you guys?

Wonderful. Carbendale, that has nothing to do with Illinois, does it?

It does have something to do with Illinois. I went to school there and worked there for 15 years.

So Chris, you cheated. I don't want to stereotype and shame you, but I believe you have a story about cheating, just like I think when you look at me, you'd probably imagine I have a story.

It's not like you think.

Okay.

Yeah, that's what we like.

This is a story about cheating in high school. So it was my junior year. I went to high school in Illinois, and we had chemistry class, and I was a good student, but we had a teacher I'll just call him Mr. P. He was a good guy. We had some kids in the class who decided to play a prank on him. They put signs in his yard that were Mr. P is gay.

Sure, homophobic. Standard stuff in the '90s?

Yeah, this is '93, '94. Distroyed to lawn ordinance. The next day, we came back to school. He said, I want to know who did this to my lawn. He was very upset. Nobody told. But of course, I knew because these are two friends of mine who had done it. The second day goes by, nobody says a word. We're all playing it cool. Later that night, I got with a friend of mine, and I said, We could take advantage of this situation. I said, Look, after class tomorrow, we're going to go to Mr. P and say, Look, I know who did this to you, but in exchange for this information.

Oh, my God. This is a blackmail conspiracy.

I would like a passing grade in this class.

No, this is outrageous. Absolutely not.

And I swear, without hesitation, he said, Yes.

That's how mad he was.

We shook hands. Oh, my God.

And we said, It was this guy, and it was this guy.

And it was real. Ranted out your friends. I did.

You weren't struggling in the class, though. You didn't need it.

I wasn't struggling, but I didn't want to try either.

Well, yeah, I get that.

You saw an easier path.

He wasn't an asshole teacher. So I wanted to say I felt bad for the guy. But then the more I thought about it, I'm like, no, I just wanted to take advantage of the situation.

Sure. That's more honest. I appreciate that.

I can't remember how much trouble they got into, but they never found out who told on them.

Oh, they didn't? They protected your anonymity.

It was free and clear. I was still friends with the I played sports with them. For the rest of the semester, we would take tests in the class, me and this other buddy of mine. I would take the test legitimately, but without really studying. It would always be 88%.

Oh, my God.

And the final came, and again, you got 88%, you got to be in a class.

Everyone's pretty unethical in this story. Exactly. You got some guys who were dickheads. They were unethical. They put these signs up that were homophobic and mean. You got our guy, Chris here, who double crossed, and that's unethical. And then you got this teacher.

To me, that's the part.

It's bold. You got to tip your head. And then you got a teacher who's completely unethical, that he wants to punish these people so bad. He's so punitive that he will absolutely sell out his morals and give someone an 88. All parties, really, I don't feel really bad for anybody. This is weirdly a victimless, victimful story.

I do take umbrage with the word blackmail. You do? There was no blackmail. It was either you take the deal or I'll just walk and we'll tell you.

That's true.

Yeah, I guess blackmail would have been if he approached the vandals and said, You guys got to give me something where I'll tell on you.

But were you worried that when you brought this up to your teacher, that he would say no, and You're going to be expelled for extortion.

At 16, extortion was not even a word in my vocabulary.

Wow.

Hadn't got there yet.

I didn't think about the consequences. I was just like, Where can I take this?

This whole prompt is fucked up. Oh, God. It's fantastic. I love it.

So I guess at the end of the day, you don't regret this, is my hunch.

I've gotten over it.

How much trouble did the guys get in? I guess that's the part I would feel guilt over.

I don't recall. So it could have been too bad, maybe a day or two suspension or something, but they didn't get expelled or anything.

The other funny thing is how a high school criminal justice system works. Their only proof is that one dude, and let's remember, a shady dude who's brokering a deal. His word. If they just said, No, we absolutely didn't do it, and I don't know who told you that, but that's probably who did it, they would just go like, Too bad. They must have coped to it once they were identified.

They didn't keep their mouth shut. They told a handful of people.

Okay. They're bragging a little bit.

Yeah, exactly. Like you did because we were all stupid back then.

Well, Chris, I don't know why this tickled me so much. It's just so scumbaggy. I I like that, of course, because I'm scumbaggy. And I'm not a scumbag.

I'm a good guy.

I have taken advantage of situations.

We all have.

Don't you think I'm going to be good guy and scumbaggy? I hope so.

Yeah, but not best boy. You can't be a best boy and scumbaggy.

No, Chris is not a best boy.

But you can be a good guy and have done scumbaggy things. We all have.

We didn't get where we are today without doing some shady stuff.

Some scumbaggery.

Never crossed the line, never been arrested, never went to jail. Okay.

Right. Never harmed a human physically, intentionally.

We don't need to go down the list.

Chris has been a delight. Yes.

Thanks for telling us that.

I'm glad you guys had me.

All right. Take care. Appreciate you guys. Bye.

Oh, man. That's worse than the cheating on the girlfriend.

Which is funny because that one has a real victim.

I know. I find the teacher really sad in that story.

Yeah. Who are you most judgmental of in this story? The boys who vandalize?

Yeah, the boys who vandalize. Fuck that.

That's so mean. So then they got in trouble for a thing they did.

So that's not bad. I know. I think that affected that teacher so much, that vandalization, that obviously he'll do anything.

He compromises morale.

Yeah. I don't like that.

But we're mad at the vandals, I think.

Yeah, I'm a little mad at Chris for putting him in that position to compromise his morale.

But he got him what he wanted, which is- But he could have just said, Hey, I know this is really bothering you.

This is who did it.

Yeah. I think he was like, I can do that and also go something for me.

I know. That's the part that's bad.

Oh, my God. Shocking to me. I Chris already from the Midwest.

I liked him. We all do bad stuff. It's just the way it goes.

You can't get through this life without. I don't think so. I have a cheating story. It occurred to me that I can tell if you want to hear it. Yeah.

Hello.

Hi there. Is this Danielle?

This is. I have to say something. Every single person.

Don't say it. Why?

Why can't I say it? In Holly? Okay, except our first story, I think she was wearing long sleeves. The rest of you have tattoos shoes. Oh, jeez. Literally the exact same. You have sleeves. All three of you have sleeves. It's pretty incredible.

Emy, so far.

I love it. It looks great, but I had to bring that up.

It's worth observing. You'd be lying to yourself if you didn't.

It'd be disappointing if you didn't.

Yeah, and I have so many cheating stories, and you have some.

I have some.

Well, who doesn't? That's right. Where are you, Danielle? I'm in Edmonton, Alberta.

Oh, our Canadian friends to the north. Did you happen to listen to Camilla Mendez? I absolutely did. I saw some comments from some Canadians that they were like, Really hurt my feelings that episode. For what? We were just saying we don't want to be in Canada working because we don't want to be away from home. Having nothing to do with Canada.

Drug use in Vancouver.

Well, there's a ton of drug use in Vancouver. It's really bad here as well.

Yeah, and there's a ton of drug use here.

Yeah. I had a gentleman offer to trade me booze and drugs for my baby on the way to the pediatrician downtown. Oh, my God. So it's not great here. Yeah.

Okay, wow. Yeah. It's a rampant problem.

You could call that a drug problem.

Yeah, the thruff out in the streets.

Yeah, it sure is. Okay, so you're up in Canada, and you are going to tell us about a time you cheated.

Yes, but I went outside the box.

Yes, I love that. Great.

So it's the day I cheated death.

Interesting. I love it.

I know what you did. You have a wapper of a story, and you're waiting for the right prompt, and it's just not fucking coming, and then you cracked it.

I applaud this. I've been manifesting this from day one. Okay, great. Myself and my very good friend Justine, who listen daily. When that email came in, I texted her just her name in all capital letters, and she said, We've done it. Oh, my God. I said, It's going to happen. It's coming with this story.

Okay, so hit us with this cheating death story.

Okay, so this was in 2013, and it was in actually the small town that I grew up in. It's about three hours north of here. It was the day of the bridal shower for my practice marriage.

Oh, I love this. Practice marriage. I love calling it that.

That's a nice term. When you're a child bride, things don't typically work out.

I just grew up in a small town, and that's what everybody did.

It's a Saturday morning. I drive to work, and I'm working at a hair salon that's on Main Street. The way that the buildings are situated, it's front of the buildings are on Main Street, and then in the back, there's a big back alley space for parking and for garbage trucks, things like that to come by. I come into the back alley, get out of my vehicle. I'm walking to the door. It's up a couple stairs on a deck. I'm walking up, the back door flies open. One of my coworkers comes running out, and she's barely 5 feet, little fiery redhead screaming, You motherfucker, what the fuck are you doing? I'm going to fucking kill you. What? I'm like, Well, this can't be for me. I turn around and there's a guy high tailing it back behind me. Takes off through the back alley running. And it's 8:15 AM on a Saturday. She's frantic. We get inside and she's like, Did you not see what happened? I guess I got out of my car, and he runs up behind me and pulls out his rock-hard penis and is furiously masturbating. Oh, boy. He had it in his hoodie pocket, the other one aggressively masturbating while getting up right behind me.

Oh, my God. She's very worried he has something in his pocket.

Can I ask how on earth she observed all this?

There's a window out the back door. The staff room of the salon is there. She had gotten there, was putting her things away. Oh, my gosh. He heard me drive up, looked.

This guy runs out, and he is already at attention. He's ready to go.

Oh, wowy.

Very impressive, right? She's beside herself, calls the police. They come lights and sirens, and it's a 90-second drive.

They should have walked. It was next door, and they got in the cars and drove two parking spots.

So they get there and are doing a full investigation, looking for prints, interviewing other businesses, looking for video cameras.

Well, I like this, though.

I was going to say, I can only be so upset because generally it's the opposite, which is like, lady, you're hysterical, and I'm not going to take you serious. You're not in danger.

Ignore it.

With the guy in her stairwell of her apartment.

Yes. And the cop came and just didn't give a fuck. I prefer this.

Yes. So they're interviewing her and they're asking for a full description of this man's genitalia. Oh, okay. They're going to line people up and be like, Show us your genitals.

I'll also acknowledge that a lot of these cases, remember someone was described as having a mushroom dick. It was an Epstein-s case. It was pretty definitive because it is a fingerprint. Trump's Penis. Oh, Trump's Penis. With Stormy Daniels. Stormy Daniels, right. How did she describe it? A mushroom. A mushroom, yeah.

All this is finished. They actually do end up catching somebody with his description. Several days later in the next small town, because he'd gotten his rocks off in ours, he was charged with sexual assault on a woman. We'll now fast forward to the evening of the actual bridal shower. I had said, I don't want one. I think they're silly. I'll only have it if it's in the evening and I can drink. My bridesmaids, parents, everybody have rented out the golf and country club. My practice husband had said, Well, I can come pick I said, It's fine. We're just going to call a cab after. Again, it's 2013. There's no Ubers there. The evening's over. It's myself, my mom, and two of her friends left over. We said, Kate will call the van cab that the one company has. They pull up, we go to get in the cab, and everyone still has a cocktail left over. It was like, Well, we paid for them. We're bringing them. Sure. Roadies. Another one of my mom's friends says, Well, I'm a member at this club, and I want that potted plant.

You guys are now looting Yeah. From the country club.

Well, I mean, she's a member, so she considered it hers.

Okay. Wow.

We get in this van cab. The first row is myself, the potted plant, and then in the back rows are my mom and her friends. It's out of town, and it's on a tea intersection. In order to get out, you're driving down. It's a T, you turn left to go into town, right to go out. In front of you is a farmer's field. We're flying down this road. Even in my state, I'm thinking, This is very fast. I start smell a skunk. I know that on the way in, there was a dead skunk on the road. I was like, Well, we're mighty close to that stop sign. As I'm about to say, we should slow down. All I hear are horns, lights, and us flying through that intersection. We've hit the farmer's fence, cleared out the whole fence, and we are in the middle of this field. Oh, my God.

Is the driver conscious? Oh, yeah.

Is he the guy who's What a penis it was?

We're in this field, and all of a sudden, he goes, I'm so sorry. I'm not really sure what happened there.

I can get us out of here. Again, now, this may offend some Canadian. That sounds very Canadian.

It is the most Canadian thing possible. Because he goes, not to worry. I can get us out. Goes to hit in reverse. As I hear my mother screaming, he broke my fucking arm. I then hear my mom's other friend screaming, he spilled my fucking drink.

Oh, yeah, that's the same.

Then my other mom's friend yelling about the plant because if you look throughout the cab, there's potted plant everywhere.

Okay, so that thing grenated.

There's cocktails everywhere, potted plant everywhere.

This guy got what he deserved. His van's a mess now.

It was a mess to begin with, which was why we shouldn't have gotten in. But hey, I am having to now control this group of women who are frantic and tell the cab driver, You need to stop. We have to call the police. The farmer whose field it was, he's coming in his four wheeler because he's witnessed our horrid dukes of hazard through his field, smashed his fence. The police finally get there. I walk up to give my statement and hear laughing because it is the same police officer I've given my statement to That morning.

Oh, my Lord. You book-end at his day. Also, this guy's on a long shift.

So they'll either do a full shift, a double, or a split. Okay, he's on a double. I think he was on a split. So he would have done the morning, had the mid-shift off, and then come on for an evening.

Wow. Both shifts were full of you.

Lucky for him, right?

So did they give the cab driver a breathalizer? Did anyone attempt to explain why he did this?

He got a failure to stop at a stop sign ticket.

Oh, that's nice. That's not a bad ticket.

Yeah. So it would have been several seconds earlier or later, and we probably would have been dead. Like, would have T-boned that van. Yeah.

By the way, talk about the universe sending you a lot of signs. Exactly.

That you're not supposed to get married. Yeah. It's not.

Hindsight is 2020, right?

As soon as you got up, the universe was like, Don't do it. We're not letting you do this. Then later that night, Don't do it.

We would rather you be dead.

Yes.

Yeah, twice. First guy didn't get her. This is for sure going to get it.

This will wake her up. Oh, Danielle, what an eventful day.

Yeah, big day.

Thanks for sharing. Thank you so much for telling us that story. And hi to Justine, was it?

Justine. Thank you so much. It was great meeting you guys. This is so wonderful. You guys are just lights in my life. We're friends, and you don't know it yet. Thank you.

Thank you. All right, take care.

Bye.

Okay, I have an idea for a prompt. You know that book, Alexander's No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day? That prompt. That's a good one. People who've had a day like that. Okay.

Yeah, That's great.

Anyway, so tell us your cheating story.

Okay, so you had to have a foreign language prerequisite to get into UCLA.

Could they revoke your degree if you tell this?

Let's see them try. Fuck it. If they got to do it, I'll live.

Then you can't ever say again you have an Anthropology degree. I know. Think about what's on the state.

What's on the table here. I'll still tell people I had it. Just like Reggie Bush winning the Heisman, they took it back because he supported his mom. I'll still tell everyone. That's different. I won the Heisman because he did. He won the Heisman. He did, yeah. Anyways, so I had taken it I went to Santa Monica College twice, and I had to drop- 101? I guess it was that. Spanish. I had to take two units of it or something to get in. I had to drop the class the day before you could drop before it went on your report card as an E or a fail. Both times I'm trying to see if I need to do that or not. And both times I had to. I was going to fail. I was going to fail the class anyways, right? I mean, I just couldn't do it. So I'm like, What am I going to do? I have to have this thing, and I'm trying my hardest, and I can't do it. And so this will sound like a little bit of some shade to West LA College, but I heard West LA College was a lot easier.

Sure. So I'm like, Fuck it. I guess I'll try to take Spanish at the West LA College. So I did. I registered for just two classes there and took Spanish there. And I figured out that I could print something on my printer in four font. No, dad. So I wrote out this whole thing. I forget what we were going to have to do. I want to say we're going to have to write a whole paragraph or something. And so I wrote the whole thing out and I printed it out, and it was the size of a matchbook. I could have never done this today. There's no way I see the letters.

And then it'd be so obvious, you'd be staring at your hand.

Yes, exactly. But I did attach it to my palm, and I just fully cheated on the final. And I did that for every test that I had there. And I got an A in that class.

Only Spanish, though.

Only Spanish.

Okay. You got an A? Yeah, I got an A. You should have just tried to get a C.

Fuck it. I mean, I'm already cheating. I'm trying to get into UCLA. I'm not trying to lower my GPA. I think I had a three, five out of SMC.

It just feels a little more unfair. It's one thing if you're just trying to pass just so you can pass, but then to Excel is not really fair.

Well, look, I had to get into UCLA. I think it's unfair that I had to learn Spanish to get into this school. But that's the barrier that I got to learn a language I'm never, ever going to speak in my life.

I mean, we would be speaking it more now.

If I was capable.

I know. Same. I never cheated at Spanish, but I wanted to cheat. I was so bad at it. And I think I told this. I guess Spanish English class is a common place for people to cheat. And you know what?

I'm going to be honest, it's a little arbitrary to have as an absolute requisite because all the other ones are building blocks for the rest that you'll learn.

I think it's good they make people take it. I wasn't good at it, but I am glad I was forced to think that way because I never would have otherwise.

But I'll master Latin history for you. If you want me to know people and respect them and put time into learning about the people of the world, that's great. Making me speak their language, I I don't know why that's the most respectful way for me to do it. I could learn the history of Spain or Mexico.

Here, we have a big Latin population. It's good to be able to communicate.

Yeah, but you could take two years of Korean. You just have to take two units or whatever of a foreign language. Someone decided that made a well-rounded student at some point, and I'm just arguing. I don't know if I agree with that.

It also depends. It depends on your major. The theater major required us to take four levels of Spanish. Again, why?

You're never I'm not going to do a Spanish play.

But it's something about the way your brain... I don't know why, but I did it. Pretty arbitrary. I don't think I know what goes into all the decision making, and I'm okay with not knowing. And I don't necessarily think it's arbitrary.

I'm just saying you got to be good at reading and writing because you're going to need to do that in all the majors. You should have a really good base knowledge of math because you're going to have to do biology, chemistry, and some physics.

But why? I've never had to do chemistry for the rest of my life. I shouldn't have had to take that ever. But they decided that was just as important. Again, it's like not knowing what people are going to be doing. But in theater, I don't really get it. But also there's just one physics.

There's one math. There's 230 languages. We're not even getting into the 6,000 dialects within some of these languages. You're just throwing a dart at a map. Math is math, physics is physics, chemistry is chemistry. It's like a universal knowledge you're picking up.

Well, I would say I've used Spanish more than I've used chemistry, personally. I believe that. But Callean My friend Robbie, they cheated in high school Spanish a lot. They would sit behind me and cheat, and I hated it. Yeah, I bet you did. Yeah, I really didn't like it.

In high school, when I had German, I cheated off a sassy the entire time. I sat next to her and just fucking completely cheated.

I think people felt like they didn't count to cheat in a foreign language class.

I think people intuitively know that it's arbitrary, and that's why they're not valuing it.

I think they think it doesn't matter.

You know Maybe one of the reigning theories of why we're so smart as a primate is because we have mastered deception. Like, cheating is actually one of the primary theories on the evolution of our intelligence. The fact that the chimps that can call out, there's a leopard, and all the alphas run to deal with this leopard, and they get to go pass on their genes with the alpha female. They've observed this. Well, that deception was then rewarded, and there's a cleverness to that. And then whoever can outsmart the other alphas that are just big, that perpetuates this whole cycle of intelligence, which is really just based in deception and cheating. Yeah.

Well, that was cool.

Yeah, that was a wild one.

Yeah, I like hearing about those stories.

Yeah. All right. Love you.

Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We know a theme song. Oh.

Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, I rindish, on the fly, I rindish. Enjoy.