Lamorne MorrisArmchair Expert with Dax Shepard
- 1,988 views
- 5 Apr 2021
Lamorne Morris (New Girl, Woke, Unwanted) is an actor, comedian and podcaster. Lamorne joins the Armchair Expert to discuss growing up on the southside of Chicago, how he knew he wanted to get into comedy at a young age and his relationship with his father. Lamorne and Dax discuss systemic racism, the time he got handcuffed after trying to stop a fight, and the conflicting nature of playing a police officer on tv while also confronting what’s going on in real life. Lamorne talks about auditioning for New Girl 15 times before he finally got the role, his new scripted podcast Unwanted, and Dax opens up about a deep insecurity.
Welcome, welcome again, armchair expert, I'm Dash Shepherd and I'm joined by Monica Blattman, hash padman Hasheesh PADDs.
Today we have a very, very likeable, funny gentleman that we had a blast talking to Lambourn Morris Lamore and Morris is an actor, comedian and a podcast.
Or you probably fell in love with him on the new girl, as Monica did.
And he is a really cool show on Hulu called WOAK. And then, of course, he's got a new scripted podcast called Unwonted about two slackers attempting to catch an escaped convicted murderer who is allegedly hiding in their town.
This was a beta mine, high frequency illusion. Ding, ding, ding satisfies us because as soon as we interviewed him, the podcast popped up on my podcast.
Oh, dear. Yes. Oh, freaky. I know, but I'm really excited to listen to it. Serendipitous, I know.
Please enjoy. Lambourn Morris. We are supported by Bomas.
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Is my favorite part of every interview was people trying to figure that out.
So technically, if this were like 100 years ago, this would be considered rocket science.
So get off my back.
It's inconceivable what we do now. And yet there's some expectation that we all know how to do it, which is also comical. Oh, yeah.
Let's first get into the fact that Monica is in Georgia and what appears to be are we in a pantry? I thought this might come up.
Yeah, I'm in the most padded room I could find.
And it happens to be a storage closet with lots of cookware because that Pocan ramekin or whatever that think is bowl is awesome. Show that off a little bit.
This is from college. This was purchased by me in college. So I appreciate that compliment a lot.
Oh, well, someone doesn't appreciate it because it's sitting in a storage closet. You're right.
I got to bring those back home. One of them I just wanted you to know, Amaan, that we've had great luck with describing different cups and plates.
And just, you know, on this show, we find people really enjoy this kind of painting, a mental image for themselves. Oh, 100 percent.
Yeah. Just to be clear, it is a black bowl with white polka dots and not the other way around. Yes.
And what color is the inside of the bowl? I don't know. It's armchair. Yellow armchair.
OK, that's a lie. It's orange, but that's fine.
You all have a much different view of this. I would have said that was blue with white. I'm virtually the listener painting my own picture, apparently because I saw arm chair, yellow in the inside, blue on the outside and white dots.
Oh my God. Just imagine the bowl has vitiligo and I think that's OK.
That's a great place to start. Great. Great. Michael Jackson.
I mean, that's a very black centric knowledge to have vitiligo. But do you just in general, do you collect, like, medical condition? I don't know what it is.
I like to memorize them, and I feel like it makes me look really smart.
So do you like them? Like if I was you, you know what a hemophiliac is, that kind of stuff? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. No, I'll be honest with you, I don't know shit. Oh, OK. I don't really know. I happen to know vitiligo. When I was a kid, I had like a little white spot right here on my chin. Then on my arm I have like a line that goes down. And so it's not vitiligo. But then having researched what the hell was going on with me, I then had to learn about vitiligo.
I was 14. I was like 14 year old kid. So obviously I was still trying to see some boobies.
And then I was like, I thought this would ruin it for me. You've stopped. I'm forty six and married for 14 years and I'm still just trying to see them boobies.
So I take a peek whenever he can.
Maybe you wanna show you in the shower every time we play the game. Like what super power do you want people to be like. You can have unlimited money, you can create gold, you can fly. I'm like, oh, invisible. I want to watch that showers. That's all I want to do. There's no amount of money that would be as fun as being able to just hang in a public shower all day.
That is because the problem is that you'll also see things you don't want to see.
Well, that's part of the thrill, I think I really do.
It's like, you know, you need a little salt to taste the sweet. It's like, yeah, I just think it's a part of the whole beautiful spectrum.
So, you know, every time I go cruising in a public bathroom, I think you're invisible. There you watch it. Did you watch the boys? Yes, I was going to mention that. I thought of that, too.
And you're right, Monica, it was the creepiest moment in the whole series.
But you would mainly be it like men's locker rooms. You can check out the male physiques. I'm so interested in the male penis.
You just try to compare yourself to see where you stack up. I think that's right. Well, I'm Monica.
I think that's right. That's true. That's true. I've known him for a long time.
So two to one is consensus on this call.
I guess you're from a Chicago suburb.
How far out of Chicago? Because I imagine you and I run into this thing all the time, which is like, where are you from? Milford. Forget that. That's a half hour conversation. Where are you from? Detroit. Great. And then someone just from Detroit.
What if you're not from Detroit? I'm like, yeah, but I don't have an hour to explain what is twenty minutes west of Detroit. Exactly.
But I want to set the record straight here and this is a very great platform to do that on. I am from Chicago, Chicago. However, Google or Wikipedia or whoever the hell decided that I'm not. Oh I went to high school in Glenella, Illinois, which is like forty five minutes outside of the city.
That's the problem. I went to high school there prior to being fifteen. I lived in the south side of Chicago. OK, so then you and I do not have the same problem other than people believe erroneously that you are in a suburb, OK, and I'm to blame for that. So thank you for correcting me. But you're fixing it now. And for that, I thank you.
Well, and now I lived in downtown Detroit after I graduated, but for an insignificant time period. But I will lean heavily on that aspect when challenged about my Detroit status. Well, you have to.
You have to. I got to say, it's like an army brat. If they want to say they're from Germany, damn it, you're from Germany.
Also, we were dead broke for about three years when my mom left my dad. But when I tell this story, it's more like nine years.
We were living in a van. My mom was borrowing food from neighbors.
So what did mom and dad do in the south side of Chicago?
My mom worked at the post office. I want to say maybe 40 years, almost something like that. Wow. Yeah.
So she retired a little bit ago. My father. That's a whole other story.
Oh, it sounds like it's my favorite kind of story. Yeah. Bingo, bingo, bingo.
When I was a kid kid, I remember him being an electrician and he probably was. He's also very athletic right now. He lives in Belize and he is a soccer coach for the Belize National Soccer team and the track team. Oh, sure.
Yeah. But when I was growing up growing up, there was a whole kind of drug middleground there.
Oh, OK. Now we're getting somewhere. There was that was the drug dealing and that whole thing. And that was going on for a few years when I was a kid.
Did he get sober, got sober, clean now lives in Belize, unpredictable when he would show up for his, quote, weekend, or did they remain married?
They got divorced, but even as a kid, it was unpredictable and he just kind of roam into the house. I didn't know what was happening. Sometimes it'd be cool, sometimes would not be so cool. Sure.
Some hallucinations maybe were occurring.
Oh, my God. Oh, absolutely. We lived in a kind of a sketchy situation at some parts. My mom was busting her butt to get us an environment as she was. But when you have your partner that isn't on the same page, it kind of keeps bringing the family back down a little bit. So she got out of that. Do you have siblings? Yeah, I mean, I got forty brothers.
So I guess your father's Dennis Rodman's dad jumped right to that.
I have two brothers and a sister and I have a half sister. My father has another kid, I have a half sister. But like in our family, it was interesting because my cousin then became like my sister because of my mom kind of adopted her. So she was like my sister as well.
What a mom. She was dealing with all that and took on another child as well.
I'm sorry, I just got a note from someone. OK, continue to sorry, so we're really desperate enough to know that was a bit, but I didn't understand it.
I couldn't wait to see where this was going. We'll get to that. OK. Did your father's lawyer just contact sister? Don't talk about your dad. No, but my mom is great and my mom was a superhero, so she truly is. I think about all the things that like the things that stress me out on a day to day basis. And then I go. But she raised four kids and five kind of, and then that's work and then had to still be a funny my mom's hilarious.
So she still found the humor in everything.
Are you middle? I'm the youngest. You're the young baby boy.
You don't strike me as the youngest. Can I just generalize? Very mature or very mature. But you're very clearly like a peacemaker, which is generally like the middle child.
That's true. However, what you don't see is that I always start the things to, oh, OK, I'm an instigator and then a peacemaker and full service.
You're offering soup? Nuts. That's like a hero complex. Like I want to save the day, so I'll cause the problem first.
I was it you and I Monaca the other day I was saying my family creed is we do not start fights but we do finish fights. And Monica, how did you feel about it?
I'm not crazy about that. I think if you're finishing the fight, you probably had something to do with starting it.
Yeah, I had this discussion with my brother the other day about that. I come home. My brother and a couple of buddies are drinking in my kitchen and my brother doesn't drink that much.
But when he does or he talks about it, he's normally not he's not really, really quiet guy, super introverted, just like chill out, dude, very mellow. But when he drinks, he'll start talking. I come home and my buddy Kyle is like, so the more all those stories you told about your brother beat people up, you failed to mention was that you were starting those fights. I was like you talking about.
So he goes through a list of all the times he had to, like, beat somebody up in high school for me. And like, it always tracks back to how I started that fight. I was like, oh, kind of cool.
Oh, man. My brother taught me the hardest lesson ever in, like, first grade, the toughest kid in my elementary school. He's like two grades ahead of me or walking home. We have the same like walk home route. And I can see my brothers in the front yard of the house.
So I start instigating a fight with this guy and I'm letting them hear it. You're a bully. You're an asshole. People hate you, you know, and it does crescendo right when we get to my house. But my brother hears me saying all this shit to him and finally he turns to kick my ass. And I look at my brother like, time to get to work. And he goes, Oh, you're taking this. And I just got my ass kicked in front of my brother.
And I learned a good lesson there. I think I've never talked shit to a guy named Craig whose father has lied about his age so that he can play professional baseball, which ended up happening.
He was the man looked like he was as wide as they get the cop dad.
But it was always confusing how this guy was so huge. You know, he was drastically bigger than us.
And then it was later revealed that they had lied about him. He started kindergarten like seven inches. Oh, my God, Craig. Penis is massive damage hair. Right.
That's bigger than your proclivity to see men's penises, if that's what he was really like.
Wait, I'm afraid I must have, like, a hair suit or something.
OK, so you're from Chicago, so it makes a ton of sense.
But I did have my formative years in Glen Allen is well. And is that largely a white suburb, I'm guessing? Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. There were a few black kids in high school, like a class of like twenty one I said, but they're maybe like six or seven black kids. Oh wow.
Very outnumbered. Very much so. I've seen this go both ways. One way it's gone is like there's a unicorn there and every girl's in love with this guy. I've seen that and then I've seen it goes as bad as you can imagine. And it's just torture for the human being.
Yeah, it was kind of middle. OK, so, yes, kind of like a unicorn. However, we weren't the first. It'd be different if we were like the first black kids to show up. Then it'd be like, oh, let's play with their hair. Oh that's like, oh gosh. You know, but but that wasn't the case. We were like the newer black kids that showed up. So the black kids who are already there, they had taken over already.
Yeah. The novelty had worn off.
Right. Although not very racist. I mean, you had some remarks here and there from some people, but it wasn't like that. A lot of my friends are white, my friends are Indian and my friends are Hispanic.
My best friends Indian. I know a couple of Indian people to upstairs. So it was like a well-rounded group of folks, it just happened to be predominantly white, different religions. It wasn't like being in the Deep South or something like that in the predominantly white neighborhood.
Yeah, and I think I'm eight years older than you. Is that right? You're born in eighty three area, OK. Again, I went a suburb of Detroit, but really hillbilly like not good. And people my brother's age, the things they did on Halloween that was acceptable and stuff that had already changed by the time I was around in ninety three going to high school or graduating ninety three and then yeah I would hope it got better but like unacceptable to be gay in nineteen ninety two in high school.
I mean just absolutely unimaginable for anyone that wanted to be openly gay and I sure hope that's evolved.
Yeah. We had a kid in our school and I remember this is the first time I ever heard of anything like that before. He was a trans lesbian OK.
And his name was Cat so born a boy and then identified as a girl but was attracted to women.
Bingo. I would have thought that I would have been shocked by this, but I just remember a lot of kids were and I was always just like I didn't understand what the big deal was. And I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that we were only a few black kids. We have to deal with certain things in this environment as well. So it was almost like we were teammates in a way where you're like, you see this shit, we got to do it, man.
OK, yeah, yeah, yeah. Outnumbered three hundred to one right now.
So yeah. But again, it wasn't one of those places where it was outwardly frowned on or anything like that until this day. Like I said, most of my friends still come from that place. I love going back to visit again. Little incidents here and there. But like I said, I was kind of right there in the middle.
I would guess that what you may be dealt with more is this thing that I think it's the thing I couldn't deal with if I were black. I feel like I could deal with just straight in your face, racism. I couldn't deal with the, like, super concerned liberal who I would have to console. That's the thing that would drive.
And I have to imagine you ran into some of that in that progressive liberal school kind of meaning like little micro aggressions here where people don't know they're being racist, but they're overly concerned about your well-being.
Yes. Like they express like this. Oh, my God, I saw what happened to George Floyd and I'm just devastated. And I can't believe this is happening to you. And when is this going to change? And then all of a sudden you're in the position going like, I know, I know. I'm sorry. You know, we're going tomorrow. We're going to let you start trying to build them up.
And it's like, what? Let me tell you something.
That shit happens all the time, especially this past year, dude. I mean, DMS were just like, hey, I'm just checking in with you for what was all well-intentioned.
But it's so brutal because now you got to fucking I have to put that emotional fire out.
I didn't start that fire. I didn't. But again, that type of stuff is been something that has been going on my whole life. But I didn't identify it until this past year.
I was going to say, like Monacan, I watch the Rodman documentary, which is fascinating. Your brother.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what your nickname for him is, but it's so sad he goes away. I guess it's to Arkansas or somewhere to play basketball. Oklahoma, I think Oklahoma.
He lives with his white family and he's you say it's not really racist.
You know, I mean, people said the N-word, Bubba. And as he unveils it all you recognize and it's heartbreaking that it's just so fucking racist that he didn't see it.
Like he's making excuses for the white mom who dropped the bomb several times.
And then that becomes even sadder for some reason that you wouldn't be aware of that, that you're protecting innately the person who's victimizing you. That's called the magical Negro syndrome.
Oh, it's like the magical Negro. It's Bagger Vance. It's Michael Clarke Duncan from movie. I'm thinking of Tom Hanks, the prison movie.
Yeah. Yeah. When you walk down the street and I don't know, I used to do this all the time. I had no idea I was doing it. You walk down the street, the stereotype is that if a white woman's walking in here, a black man, you got to kind of show that you're safe. This happens to me. Also happens to me today. Would they grab their purses? They walk across the street when they see me coming.
So you smile.
Yeah, smile. Really bright from a distance so they know you're safe. I'm unarmed. That's to put yourself in a positive mood, show that you're OK for them to feel better about themselves. That's you being the magical Negro to help them. I know what Monica is going to say.
Yeah, I say it all the time on here. I bring it up all the time. Whistling Vivaldi is about. About that about this college kid like Columbia or Chicago or something, and he realized that if he started whistling Vivaldi on his walks, then people would not start moving across the street or looking scared like that put. But if he just was walking like normal. Yeah.
People would like because he was whistling Franklin, you know, I could actually get out of my way.
Yeah. That could go sideways quick.
Yeah. But easily able to. Now a very unapologetic no I don't do that anymore but I identify there are times where I feel like I have to do it and I just don't do it. Yeah, you do it sometimes when you get pulled over, when you're like, hey, what do you need, what do you do for me today?
I just want to go home.
When I get pulled over, I quickly pull the poster for chips out of my back seat.
I want to you owe me. I made this whole movie about you don't want to let me go.
Oh, I got handcuffed. Maybe like last year, a year ago, something like that. After you shot. Woke up before. Oh my God. Really quick.
Can I tell Monica I watch work last night. Really fucking great. Pyleva cannot wait to watch the rest of that in the pilot Lamani and he's playing a cartoonist based on a real guy. He's not dipping his toes in anything controversial. He's just cruising through life. And yeah, out of nowhere he gets tackled and he fits the description of a suspect. And it's clearly incredibly traumatizing and he's trying to shake it off. But OK.
So I had already shot the pilot, though, on New Girl. I play a police officer because I wanted to we were playing around, but Storyline's and I just asked if I could play a police officer. I've even written an episode about it like I love four cops. I just remember trying to stop a fight between a friend and like this security at a bar or something like it was late night. We were all drinking. But I just remember seeing, like, the friend comes up and he goes, Hey, man, is that your buddy being beat up?
I was like, what do you mean? I look over like five security guards on my body and I'm like, What?
So it's like, let's just get them out of here. So I get him out, I call menubar and we're walking. We're walking maybe like two blocks away from this place. And then actually, you know, the manager and security is following us. And I'm like, what did you do?
Like why we are two blocks away from this establishment. They are hot on our tail, but he's super calm. He's like, let's just go home. I just want to go home. But all my friends are still in there. I haven't paid my tab yet. So call Uber, comes up the police, pulls up in front of the Uber and then he just looks on as it goes. Which one is it? And the manager of this place, I remember him looking at both of us.
It goes, get these niggas out of here. I was like, well, OK. That's when I started getting pissed.
That's when I started to go, hold on. And then it turned it to them cuffing my friend. And now I get my phone out going, what's going on over here? To be fair, the police officer was fine. He wasn't doing anything at ordinary. He just got out of the ordinary. Once him and I had a conversation on the side. We were talking about how he knew that I played a police officer on TV.
He made a joke like you should already know, man, give me some space you don't like. He's being funny about it. And I was like, all right, cool. But then another officer comes up and just comes me. So I look at the guy and I go, Hey, man, I play a police officer on TV. You do?
Oh, my God.
It was about as weird as well, but it didn't last very long and I wasn't even shook afterwards about it was just a funny situation to be to go. If I would have smiled more and did a whole song and dance more and just been all chummy, it wouldn't have gone down that way. But just having a normal, visceral reaction to something that's happening around you can get you cuffed.
Well, they do a great job of it in the pilot, OK, where your white friend arrives on the scene and he's fucking poking the chest, you know, and it's not like a magnifying glass on it just kind of happening in the background. You're like, oh, yeah, that's what he can do. He can poke people and scream.
And yeah, I had this thought after I watched it, I was like, the police are taking all of the kind of collective frustration on this issue right now. They're kind of the emblem of it for the last year and a half.
It did occur to me after I watch that, I was like, you know, the thing is, they're also a scapegoat. So the people at Starbucks have the same level of bias. Yeah, the people at the grocery store, the manager of the thing, the only thing is their business doesn't have guns. So it's like we want to think of the police as being, like, uniquely biased or uniquely racist. But what you're really just seen is that, no, that's the occupation that has guns and handcuffs.
If they had them at Starbucks, we'd see it there, too. If they had it at the grocery store, we'd see. I don't think it's unique to them.
Well, I think white people think it's unique to cops. I don't think black people do, I think they know it's everywhere, but I think it's like within the white community or, you know, anyone who is not black, it's like, oh, the cops are the problem. But I don't think that's an issue that black people. Right.
I mean, when you talk to black folks, what we say is that it's not the individual people because obviously there's individual bad folks, but it's a system that allows that to flourish. It's not just the justice system. It's every system that allows for that to be the case.
And you're right, though, that is the scary part about it all, is that they have guns. The worst that could happen at Starbucks is they could, like, give me the wrong coffee. Got them. And I wanted two shots of espresso.
Well, they seem to love to call the police on black customers, from what I see. Oh, absolutely.
Absolutely, absolutely. I hope they is a button there.
This is like a direct. There's no way he's in here to buy coffee. Black people don't even like. We don't sell grape soda, sir.
I want so badly to know the name of the restaurant so that no one goes there ever again. But we should probably not do that avenue.
Or is that at what city was us? It here in L.A.? It was Avenue. I haven't heard of it.
Well, here's my issue with that, so I'm happy to do that. But at the same time, I then go to like, let's say it's your mom's business and they've hired this Yahoo! And this fucking Yahoo! Is a dipshit and he fucks up your whole business and now you're paying the price for the. I think it's all complicated. Oh, yeah. If he's the owner, let's put it on blast. But do we know he's the owner, right?
I think in an effort with certain companies to not get too heavy handed with their individuals, however, you could set a standard like if you are the owner, there has to be this zero tolerance that people know, like I can't behave this way. There is no two times, three times No. Three strike rule. There is a one and done for certain types of behavior and not just racial behavior. There's all kinds of behavior that shouldn't be tolerated in the workplace.
Yeah, it has to have the same relevance is if you caught your manager following a little girl into the bathroom, you'd be like, OK, well, you don't get a second chance on pedophilia. So sayonara. Yeah.
So I don't know. I think in a few years we'll solve racism, I think. Yeah. Eighteen months.
I give it a month. I've brought it up on here before. And the risk of being a broken record. I think the one example I always like to give about what you're saying about the system is if you take Rodney King initially on the surface, you think, oh fuck, for those ten cops are racist. They're beating the hell out of this guy. They're treating them like he's not a human being. Oh, my God, that's terrible.
Forty percent of that. That's what I first thought.
And then when you discover that, no, all twelve went back and wrote the same report and then you go, OK, wow. So even the people that weren't beating him up or maybe would have never chose to do that, they still know how to operate in the system, which is protect those guys. And then it goes up, it goes further and further where you just realize, oh, OK. And then that report. So, yeah, you see the system at work and not just the individuals.
One hundred percent. That's the system. Dude, I like to say like this, me and my brothers were out doing just dumb shit as kids and then we came home and then like our dad like had it swept under the road for us. I'm not going to be mad at that because that's my brother. We're siblings and my father like, well, I do what I got to do to protect them. But to the neighbors, they're like these kids, man, and they're fucked up, Dad always getting them out of trouble.
It's that household. It's that dad. It's that overseer who needs to figure out, OK, you did something fucked up, like eventually you got to pay for that. So I'm not going to sleep tomorrow to you if you're an officer and you did something fucked up. You got to pay for that. It's rather simple. So for the officers, first of all, don't do fucked up shit, but even for the ones who are just kind of standing idly by and maybe not hitting the person, but they're helping out by writing the exact same report, they are just as guilty.
But at the same time, I could see the pressure for them to have their brothers backs. It's like this weird fraternity. It's kind of scary, right?
Yeah, well, that's the complexity no one really wants to address, which is this is the ultimate ingroup. These are guys who stormed into unknown situations that quite often on the other side of the door of violence. And so they have a bomb. I think it's really complex. It'd be easy if we could go, oh, no, these people are this way. And this percentage is racist and the system is seventy two percent like. Unfortunately, it is so much more complicated that it's people who rely on each other to stay alive and go see their kids.
So there is a bond there that's a real bond. And that does not excuse it, but it does help. Yeah, it can. You can definitely get some explanations out of it. It's not lost on anybody that it would happen. We go. Yeah, right. I see why it happened. But let's talk about the dude who did this that let's talk about this individual.
But it's as old as Boyz in the Hood. If you watch Boyz in the Hood, they did a great job of showing there's a Brace's as fuck one cop because that ingroup of being cops, it's sometimes more powerful than whatever ingroup being 100 percent like I said, man, it's that brotherhood.
It's that fraternity. Like, no matter what, we stick together, which is why I didn't join a fraternity.
I didn't either.
And I have to admit, and I think there's a character defect and a virtue, I'm generally predisposed to not like people that were in for, you know, your best friend was in a fraternity, not me.
Your other best mate.
Well, he's the one who thought my icy shell about fraternities. I was like, now that's good ol boy shit. That's money shit. That's legacy shit that's in group fuck. It just was very triggering to me. And y'all go and do the exact same thing. Owns an individual also. You'll rape at a very high rate.
You know all these things for me that's there. That's a good reason to not. Hey Bryce, you are most likely to rape when you are most likely to commit fraud. Not on fraternity brothers are all rapists or fraternity brothers.
I'm sorry fraternities don't sue me and I don't think that, but I do think the rate's a little high.
Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.
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OK, so you do Second City, we have to talk about your wonderful career.
I've enjoyed the fuck out of us pontificating, but you start at Second City and I guess I wonder how early you know, you want to get into comedy.
I was probably nine or ten. I just remember being at church and mocking the preacher all the time and every preacher would wear his shoes, would match his suit. It would match the jewelry and his teeth.
But he was I was crazy. I would make him all the time. We had to do a church play once and they had asked me to be a part of it. And I had fun doing it, like a lot of fun where I was like, man, this is a thing. I mean, obviously you watch movies and you watch TV shows, so, you know, it exists, but you don't know the beginning of how that would start living in Chicago.
You're just like it's on TV. That's it. This will never happen for me. So I just remember having done that and having people at church constantly say you should try out to be in movies and stuff. And whenever you're were in Chicago and hear about these casting calls and fun story, I think I want to say I was 16, maybe 15 or 16 when the first barbershop came out. And so I waited in this line to be an extra they were like signing people up to be an extra.
And I remember the casting director, like, interviewed me. My mom was there and we were just having a conversation. It wasn't like reading any lines or anything. It was just like talking. And she was like laughing. And then she goes, I'll see you in the movie.
And I went, Oh, I'm going to be in the movie. I'm going to be an extra in this movie.
She did not put me in that movie and that pissed me off so much.
Years later, I'm on New Girl and I get a chance to audition for the third Barbershop Barbershop, the next cut and can't see it.
But this is a cast photo and I am in the damn movie. That's me right there.
It's me. OK, so I got a great follow up question for you. Did you go see fuck you or did you go goddamn, she was right more.
She's a genius. There's a lot of ways to go about casting director Aryan's Dionne Warwick.
She was very psychic, Miss Cleo. No, I didn't throw it in her face.
I was very disappointed that it wasn't an extra in this movie because it's my first opportunity. And she looked me in my soul and lied to me.
Well, welcome to this business. Ah, I know. It's like, oh, so this is how it is. Until you're there, until that check clears, you're not in the movie.
It makes me think of a story that none of the three of us are involved in. But I want to tell you, because it's just so funny. It's my father was working at Second City, Jon Favreau, and he was same thing. He's trying to get like extra work in a movie and he got some extra work in the movie Hoffa. And all he had to do is he had to, like, drive up some box van through the background, write all the scenes going on.
And he's a smart guy. And it occurs to him it was a nice scene. Nosocomial see me. They haven't lit me. So he turns to the interior life like the visor down, the light on. Right.
And he actually sneaks through a couple of takes before someone realizes, like, why is the van to throw out all those?
Oh, my God, why is he delivering a monologue?
Why is that guy directing Iron Man in the back? Yeah.
So that I was in high school and I got kicked out of class a lot for being silly and telling jokes. And I remember going to detention and the woman in detention for some reason I can't remember her name, but she was very instrumental in my career because she gave me a pamphlet for Second City, no shit. And she just said, you need a way to like channel all of this energy. I think you should take a look at the pamphlet.
Never looked at it. I didn't go to theater school. And while I was in theater school, a friend would go and do these little comedy bits out and like the way out in the burbs. She have this comedy group that we kind of played around and try to do shows here and there. And I was like, comedy group. What is that? And she's like, put her in a second setting. It's like that. And I said, I have heard of Second City.
Oh, is that what this was about? And so I go there and I meet a bunch of cool people. And then next thing I know, Second City was trying to get black audience members because the crowds are all white. They're like black and brown folks wanted to perform, but there's no one who could appreciate their material as much. So what they did was they started we had different tour companies, Redcoat Rinka, all those things. But then they started brown color, whereas for like black and brown performers, I was performing with like Danny Pooty and I think Keegan Michael Key started Brown Co.
Oh, right. Yeah. So then. He started that this woman named Diana Griffin then came to watch one of my plays because I was doing theater so she can watch one of the plays and then invited me to Second City to try out. And then that was rest is kind of history. Wow. I had great classmates. Thomas Middleditch was one of my classmates. Stephen Ugne was one of my like it was like a really cool experience for me being there.
And it wasn't necessarily about the teachings which were all great. It was more so about the people that you stay friends with. And you build these folks and you watch how they work. And then before you know it, having second city on your resume in Chicago was great because the writer of that commercial went to Second City and before, you know, they put you in their commercial and that's kind of how you enter for a chance of eternity.
I joined one to the Groundlings. I don't know. I don't have a high rate of rape in these fraternity that we know that.
I know that we know of. There's yet to be a front line here at some point.
You know, what's funny is when you're telling the story of the creation of Broncho, I'm nervous. I'm like, I don't know.
It was this all white guys idea that. And I'm like, and then when you say, oh, my. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Oh, yeah. We had a lot of fun, man. It turned into my life. I was there all the time, even if I wasn't performing as watching a show, you know, like three different floors of stages. So you'd go watch Jay Miller in a show over a year and then you'd go and watch the main stage over here.
I was the most exciting club. Oh, 100 percent. Monica had it at you see me. It's such a wonderful experience.
Yeah. We represent three different comedy fraternity here on this special. One hundred percent. I tried to dabble at both Groundlings and UCB when I was in New York. I took writing classes at UCB. I would do some shows. I would perform in like guest spots and like ass cat and stuff like that. And then Groundlings. I tried out for Groundlings when I first was put in like little to oh, fast tracked, but I was broke.
I couldn't afford it. Yeah. You ain't got no layaway plan.
Well, and you know, the big difference between Grayling's and Second City is so second city. When you're on the stage there, you actually get paid.
You get like an equity thing and groundlings, you're still paying to rent the theater.
The way they get is the all buy into that I get I drank the Kool-Aid, I believe is like, well, I own my characters. So when you write for Second City, then they own the material. So it's like, I don't know. Oh yeah, I don't know.
Do I want the three hundred bucks or I want all my stuff in my material back from Second City. Oh good. They didn't, they're not very litigious. Hand you for it.
I just remember when I was in Idiocracy, I'm just doing this character free. Do I know that's the character's name. I can't even remember the Groundlings character's name, but I remember thinking like, yeah, that's right. I can take this thing right over to my thing and no one can say shit.
Whereas if you're on Saturday Night Live, you can't just do a character you created there in someone's movie.
You know what I find to be very, like, sad and maybe I'm wrong. Is MacGruber the last, like SNL character that turned into a movie? Because I just remember, like watching SNL and going, oh, that character is going to be a movie. And then it would and look forward to those movies in the now.
So New Girl is obviously your kind of big breakthrough. You're on a show for eight years. You touch on something that was really fascinating, the conflicting nature of playing a police officer on TV and just monthly something else is coming out and how that's a complicated situation to be in if you're black. And then I love the outcome of it as you approach lives and said, like, hey, I'd like to write on this. I'd like to address this.
And I guess I commend her for being supportive of that new girl fucking awesome show. And I have to imagine that's kind of a life altering job.
One hundred percent. It was one of the weirdest jobs in the beginning. It turned out to be the biggest part of my career. It was like being thrown into the fire. You know, I was ready for it. I was unprepared for how it started. So that whole process was me auditioning fifteen times for that show. Fifteen. And I just remember Jake calling me once when I had the role was coach originally for Damon Jones part, and they offered me that part.
But it wasn't until I had accepted another job. So leading up to that, leading up to that, we kept saying, hey, make me more known for making an offer. And they kept going, well, nobody knows who he is. He's not some celebrity. He was like, why would we give him an offer for a job?
But CBS was like, oh, we'll do it. So they gave me an opportunity for a pilot with TJ Miller and Heather Locklear and Sarah Wright. David Henry. Jason Jones. It was it was a great show, funny show, but it just didn't get picked up. So Damian ended up doing the pilot game and then leaves for his second season of his show. And then I come back and they made me audition eleven more times.
Oh, my goodness. Well, what you're not prepared for, it's like I think, you know, life is weird in that you have these dreams, you get the dream, you're very excited, you're very grateful.
And then that dissipates because novelty dissipates. All these things dissipate. And then you get into the making the sausage, which is eight years on a sitcom doing twenty two or four episodes a year. And it kind of shifts to like homework like, oh OK. Oh great. We got picked up. I can buy stuff and I can pay for stuff and they are like, oh we got to get twenty four of these.
It's this kind of a mental Olympics. One hundred percent.
I never got used to it. I'm not an early riser, I'm not one of those people that's like I love getting up at six thirty in the morning and getting after it.
Well why is your nickname Lamore up in Adamsville. So the morning after pill is my nickname in the morning after.
Grateful for the opportunity, but I hate waking up and it's still dark out.
Yes, me too. I'm a breath I recently read and it should make us feel good. Where the fuck did I read it? It's data. Oh Why We Sleep is a great book in there. It said, you know, people are genetically morning people or evening people and the percentage of people that are not mourning people's hi, it's like forty percent.
And then it just talks about how the entire world has been engineered to serve up the early risers. And it's just really not geared for us. And yeah, I've never been my best at 5:00 in the morning. I'm like I'm depressed, most creative at night.
That's probably one of the reasons why I have issues sleeping at night. It's like now it's time to lay down and go to sleep. And I go, well, you know, there's so many things I need to watch.
I'm like, the day just got good and I'm going to shut it down. I like suffered through the first eight hours and now I'm like into it.
I also should be noted it's waking up at five, but it's not rapping till like eight, seven. It's not like you start at five and then you're done at three, right.
Oh yeah. Long days.
You know, for people who don't know shooting, it's worn like a ten hour day. You're like, yes. Oh yeah. Sometimes you drive home from a ten hour day, you're like, what was at six? And then you do the math. You're like, oh no, that was that was ten.
Still, we hear these stories because we shared a lot with Modern Family. So we hear the stories all the time. Like you would see the cars driving at lunch. They're driving off of the lot.
They had an insane schedule. Yeah.
My friend worked on it becomes law when you're in this business, like we would have directors on parenthood that would come sometimes with Modern Family, like all we wrapped at lunch four of the six days. And you know what?
It makes me so mad that we never got to that. At some point we started averaging around like ten to twelve hours and it'd be like, oh, this is amazing. So I already brought it up.
But I do want to just say that joke is fucking awesome and I'm really, really excited to watch the rest of it.
I don't check out much comedies. I'm sure you're the same way. It's like you make them you're kind of not that interested in them. But this one is like it's got a little azeez flair and that it's like shot like a movie. It looks beautiful.
It's stylist's oh, who's your fucking costumer? Like, who put you in a Dead Kennedys t shirt to start love. That one is based off of the real guy who I play, Keith Knight. And so that was his favorite band. OK, interesting.
So he had I want to say he has that shirt. So he had his hand all over my wardrobe for sure.
You look so cool in it every scene.
I'm like, God, I want that whoever that consumers when everything from the wardrobe to the music that I'm listening to, that you can't even hear it like he would help me get into this headspace when he's creating art, when he's drawing, when he's taking a walk, he's like, oh this is like listen to I. Sometimes in this moment here, I'd be listening to to Bill Withers. Lovely day when I wake up in the morning, love.
So in the pilot, he goes, OK, you're walking around, you're passing out fliers. They gave me a phone with headphones and it was an active phone I and Spotify on it. So I started playing something and I started playing Bill Withers. Lovely day. And he goes much more more in the morning. Really quick. Maybe you should listen. You know, lovely day by Bill Withers. I think that's the song we're going to play in this moment.
And that's something that I'd be listening to at a time like this. And I was like, dude, look, I'm already listening to it. He's like, girl.
And we became so and seeing him and I that it was easy.
Like, his music choices were a lot of my we had certain similarities in music. Like if you look at my playlist right now, you would find everything from Death Cab for Cutie to Lil Wayne. It kind of bounces all over the place. I got Harry's style.
Well, I see some connective tissue at Death Cab. So obviously your co-star was married.
I didn't know it was so funny is that I didn't even know that until our cast photo shoot. Oh, really? She was playing in the gallery shoot. You know, it's my first time really hanging out with everybody. I just been cast like two days prior and so. SAT next to each other, one of the songs comes on, I'm just kind of like singing the words to it and she goes, Oh, it's pretty cool, you know, my husband's music.
I laugh like it's funny. Like, but Beyonce is my wife.
I was like, no, it's my husband. And then he showed up to the photo shoot.
I was like a little girl was like, oh, my God, how about Modest Mouse? Is that in Modest Mouse is in there. It's all over the place.
I like that me to my go to for a long time, people used to make fun of me for I don't know why Coldplay why are also medical but oh I love Coldplay.
So yeah, I'll tell you why they are.
You know why they are. Because people are fanatical about Radiohead and the main thing, Coldplay ripping off Radiohead. I think that's what I've discovered. I think that's their issue.
I think they just got too popular and people don't want to like what's on the radio. That's true, too.
It's probably me and these sweatsuits. Monika's been wearing these cool sweatsuits for a long time, and then everyone was wearing them in our pod and I was like, I can't jump on that. Now everyone's got them. And then nine months later, I get a surgery. I'm like, I need something comfortable. And I put them on. I was like, Oh, this is my thing.
Oh, you're late. You've got to have is in a hurry every day. Hoodie and sweat pants, every day at the movies, the movie. OK, so let's talk about your podcast, because I actually have a ton of interest in this because I have noodled with this idea of doing scripted podcast.
Unwonted is the name of your scripted podcast. And I guess what got in my way is laziness. I was like, that's kind of a lot of work.
You got to write a script. So should I make it for TV? Maybe it's more money in it, but then you're like, oh, but I could quote, shoot this. Whatever I write, I can record it. Now, that's a big carrot to do it. But like from your idea of doing it to actually doing it, what did you learn?
So in the beginning it started with a company called Code. They reached out, they were doing one with Cynthia Revo called the carrier, and they asked me to play her husband to want to say in that. And so I went to the stage and we recorded and I just remember how cool the setup was because I've done an animation before and done voiceovers before and ADR and stuff like that. But this one was very unique. It had these weird types of very immersive microphones that really, really aided the sound quality and really would put you in that space.
Like ASML, almost like like when you're listening to it, it's truly it truly is like surround where someone drops something over here. Like if you listen to it just on the phone, it sounds OK, but when you put headphones in, you're like, oh, someone's behind me or someone's in front of me a mile away. It feels that way. And so that's pretty cool. And then they reached out and said, hey, do you have any other ideas?
So me and my writing partner, Kyle Chevron, we went through our list of things that we had made. And this was a movie script originally. Oh, that's smart. So we pitch them a couple of things. They really liked this one and another one, and we kept another one. So we know we just want to make this into a movie. This one we could definitely break up into into eight parts. Oh, yeah. And so that's what we did.
That's what we did. And the experience, again, I got into it thinking I could have the space, these weird headphones and microphones, but the pandemic happened. And so we recorded everything here in my house with the actors all over Zoom, the co-lead and unwonted is Billy Magnuson and Billy. We had done a movie together before. He's one of my best friends. We live together. So Billy just came by the house and they sent all the microphone equipment, all the stuff, put it in my house.
I have like this kind of theater room that's very added room.
You know, the sound quality is like Monica's basement. This closet. Yeah, yeah. Most of it if I go. But it was great, man.
It was great. You learn so much about simplicity in how not to complicate things too much.
I'll add one of the most interesting hurdles you have is the general rule in screenwriting is never say something you could show like that's a very old tried and true thing. Like don't tell me, show me up and show me what happened or show me the emotion or show me the action.
But this gets flipped on its head a bit. Yeah, but cue code in there. Sound there's sound design team is so good that sometimes you don't have to, sometimes you can really hear, you can hear water splash. You could hear breathing, you could hear birds chirping, you can hear a window closed in the sound change in the room. It's that specific and that detailed. And that was a cool thing to see. You'd be sitting on Zoome with some of the sound folks.
And while you're recording, you're the one fixing the levels. You're the one doing all that stuff. And I go, doesn't really matter. And they go, well, there's a reason why we are who we are because very specific about the sound quality. We got lucky on this one. This is what the. It's about, oh, hit me with the No. Yeah, I'm so excited. Great tension. So the head of their music department, this guy, Darren Johnson, said around like it's fancy Darren.
I was just I was having a flashback of the Kiem because there is this name wrong.
So he was talking with my writing partner, Kyle, who directed all of these episodes. And he kept saying, got something you don't want to say? What I have just yet to happens if he drops this on his last minute, you know Rick Astley. Oh, yeah.
I'm never going to get you never to learn. Going to do down the road around you. Exactly. Boom.
Rick Astley did our theme song Get the Fuck Out. It's called Call It. And I tell you, the song is so dope.
Oh, that's so close.
Like, I didn't know if I could talk about that. I mentioned that as it comes in. Give me a note. Well, I listen to the trailer.
There's no episodes out. Yeah, but I listen to the trailer and yeah, it's like incredibly well produced. Like, there's so much going on. I immediately had anxiety of like where would we even find a team of, like, sound designers to make something sound like that. It's just really well done.
We are now Eric. Oh, you are. This first week we dropped two and then last week one. And today I think today the fourth episode. Oh yeah.
The only thing that comes up is the trailer for me version.
You know, more episodes. I'm wrong as always. If you hit more episodes, boy, you do get to a page that has four of them.
You're in the biz.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm in the podcast business, which is embarrassing. We're number one in fiction for a while. I don't know if we still are. Oh no. I'm happy about nice really quick.
Just because I didn't do any job whatsoever of just explaining what is the premise of the two degenerates try to capture the most dangerous woman on planet Earth after she escapes a maximum security prison and she's trying to recover some stolen merchandise that's rightfully hers. And these two guys are like, oh, how hard could it be? She's a girl. And then. Right. And so there's like a million dollar reward.
I mean, this could change all of our lives. Like, we both have issues, problems, things that we need the money for. We capture her and then we're good. She happens to be in our tiny little town of Livingston, New Jersey, to be really easy. And they are in over their heads and they realize she is a true psychopath.
Played by Jamie Lee O'Donnell is Irish actress, does a bad accent.
Well, you have her by comparison. It's probably probably going to win an Oscar for my in my head.
I first have to say Lucky Charms and then I go into whatever else I'm saying. So this is Bodrog. She does this Australian accent, but the only way she can start it is by saying Jennifer Lopez is she has to say Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer.
And then that's how she gets Australian accent. The scene was on SNL for a while and she plays my wife on New Girl for a while. We did a movie called Desperados for Netflix last year. And then now she has a new show coming out on TBS called Chad. Chad. Oh. Oh, my God. If you watch the trailer for Chad, I'd be shocked if she and I'm hoping to jinx anything. I hope I'm not that dude, but like, I just see her cleaning up an award season where she plays a fourteen year old boy in high school trying to get, like, laid.
And it is so funny.
Well, it's one of the funniest things I've got.
She let me check out some clips and stuff. And I was like, you know, this is hilarious. Like, it's really funny.
But that just brings up a totally interesting thing, which is there's these genres that works so well and then you realize, well, they can't be done today. It's kind of like, well, how could you do it? Because something innately and will never not be funny is fourteen year old boys preoccupation with getting late. It's so important to them. It's just as rife with comedy. And yet there's obviously all these misogynist undertones to it.
But yeah, if you can figure out a way to skin that cat or it's not me wanting to be invisible and hang out and showers, I think you got some.
Let's unpack this for a second. Do you really want to be invisible to hang out showers with strong guys?
I'm so interested in the nude male body. I really am endlessly fascinating.
Have you ever had to be nude on camera? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Full-frontal yeah.
Well I did, I did Full-frontal in the first movie I ever made and then I started dating Kristen shortly after all while I was editing it and she kind of saw and she's like, that's not, that's not going to happen, you're going to take that stuff out. And I was like, that's Gondek. I guess I. Well, that's right.
I will tell you the funniest thing really quick is that I'm not afraid to be fully nude, but I have a great, great insecurity about my butthole. I don't want anyone to ever see my butthole. I'm so nervous about it. To start here, nobody wants to see your butthole, man, if that's not part of the body. People are like, man, I've been trying to, like, see that rectum. Well, I disagree. I am dying to see other people's buttholes.
I just don't want anyone to see my butthole. And so I was in this movie.
This is where I leave you. And I found out I had a lovemaking scene and I was like, OK, I get prepped for that. I got to watch what I eat for a few weeks.
I think I even got a spray tan for it. And then I arrive and I'm I'm ready to do this.
And then I find out I'm on top or just naked on a bed. There's no sheets or anything. I'm not panicked. Yeah, but then I see they put the camera at the foot of the bed on the fucking floor looking up. And now I start thinking, that's going to be my asshole. That's what that shot's going to be.
So I even say the director, but I think you're going to get some buddle. And I know that the contract I signed, you can't show my butthole. So, you know, whatever. No, no, no. We're not going to see from there. We're not going see from there. Do a take at the scene. It's a long scene. And then cut director comes in, he grabs a sheet, he's giving us other notes, and then he just tucks a sheet into my butt crack.
And I realize at that moment, one thousand percent, everyone at Video Village was just staring at my asshole for, I don't know, four minutes hemorrhoids.
I don't have hemorrhoids, but I'm surprised. I don't I've had an anal fisher.
There'll be some scarring.
It's like when you look at, like stone and you can see all the years, like the different generations, like we can see the mileage of your butthole, all the years of hemorrhoids and FISAs. Yeah, just overuse.
You know, I remember my best friend Aaron Weekly like, I don't know, five years ago. And I asked my friend who she reference, who was in a fraternity.
I called them up randomly. I'm like, is your asshole completely deteriorate?
That's two years later. I feel like my handle is totally fine. And now I don't know what's going to happen when I go anyways. Wow.
We've covered such a wide range of topics. I'm eight years older than you and you know, I'm just giving you a glimpse of your future. Things are not going to get better.
I do a daily check. I think I put legs up in a mirror and I take photos. I don't think I send them out to all my friends. You're really on top.
Yeah, well, man, it was great getting to talk to you and meet you. And I love all your stuff. And I hope people listen to Unwonted. I imagine it's available everywhere. Podcasts are available. Absolutely.
It's all over the place. Download it or else. OK, we'll be good man.
Great meeting you. Thank you. I'll take it easy.
OK, I stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare.
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Monarchism therapy had yesterday. We would have imploded and destroyed this podcast without an objective criteria.
We even stole some therapy from Dr. Wendy Mogel when she came in to like do some work stuff.
Yes, she came in for a nature versus nurture meeting and we forced her to do couples help us listen.
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I have personally warmed Monika's person.
That's correct. With my solo stove. Yes, our whole pod loves the fire so much and we love sitting in the backyard and lighting that solo stove and sitting on. It's the best.
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And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soul mate Monica Padman. Oh my goodness, we just had a delicious lunch.
Tell everyone about it. OK, well this is great because we were just railing on this and the fact check about our readiness and how I get really upset when the Kabuli salads are not offered.
Well, yeah, and it was offered today. Yeah. So we had Kabuli salad and chicken at first, Tyack and.
That's right. We need a protein.
Yeah. And then my new obsession or everyone in the pods. New obsession. Cottage cheese. That's right.
Everyone in our pod not the podcast world. Very confusing I suppose. Pod pod. But there's this cottage cheese we been eating and it's four percent fat. That's that's a big difference for me. That makes a big difference.
What is it normally two or non-fat.
Oh, two percent or two percent milk exact. Oh my God. This is what do they make, four percent milk.
No, they make whole milk. Two percent. One percent.
And so how are they made? Is it a lie, what they're telling?
Well, remember, I this whole thing where everyone is eating this yogurt, this fig yogurt from the farmer's market, that everyone was obsessed.
It was good. Oh, it's delicious.
And it claimed to be like one hundred forty calories or something. And I got in multiple fights over this. I was like, I don't know what to tell you guys. That is not one hundred and forty calories. They're like, well look at the label.
And I'm like, OK, but I've eaten now for forty two years.
I know what something that's 100 calories taste like. This went on forever and there was a damn story in the L.A. Times that they had lined up.
Really. Yes. On their nutritional label. And it turns out they were like three hundred and so.
Oh so anyways I'm not all the way there with this one but this one is just the label suspiciously promising, really, because it has let me tell you what it has.
OK, four servings and protein.
Fourteen grams so forty six point fifty six grams of protein in this thing and only four hundred and forty calories.
I believe that it's so tasty. And if we're getting fifty six grams of protein and only four hundred forty calories and it tastes that good, that's just, that's really suspicious.
Well I don't want to start one of your crusades. I'm not going.
Yeah. I guess that I'm not like definitive like I was about the yogurt but I'm just saying this feels a little too good to be true.
OK, I know when things are too good to be true, your whole life is too good to be true. Actually, I'm thinking about this lately. Oh, you know, when people say, like, pinch yourself and I'm going to wake up from this, you know, it's it's very cliche, cliche words about happy moments and a happy life. Yeah.
But recently I've been having, like, some real, real, real thoughts about what if I'm sick in a hospital, OK?
And this is for real. A dream like that is seeming plausible.
I don't think you're in a hospital. I don't know. It sounds silly for me to say that. It sounds like. Oh, yeah. I'm just saying the same thing that everyone says. Yeah, but I really started to think, oh, there's a good chance I'm not.
But this is all made up in my head and I'm having a psychological breakdown or something, and I'm in a hospital.
And that really could be I mean, I think the people that have that extreme of delusions and hallucinations come in and out of them, like you'd have some memories of being in a hospital bed, really, like hazy coming out of it and then rejoining this fantasy.
Yeah, it's not just that. Like, you could be sitting in a hospital bed.
Sure. And for four years or whatever, but maybe it's not maybe it's ten minutes.
Oh, well, that's a great way to stretch out time then. If this is only been ten minutes, your life is going to feel so long. That means you're going to have five more of these within an hour.
This kind of gets to the David Ferrier point, which is like if it's a simulation, who cares if you don't care if I'm in a dream? Yeah. But unless I do wake up that don't look a gift horse in the mouth, maybe we're all living in my seizure. Oh, OK. The seizure dream came correct.
Do you know what the expression don't look a gift horse in the mouth means? I think you've told us before.
But tell us because I forget, OK, apparently in the olden days when you would buy a horse, one of the main things you would inspect is its teeth to see if it was healthy. You pick up its Flappy Lips and take a gander at its gums and shit. So it's like someone gives you a horse. Don't examine the fucking teeth, right? It's healthy. Just take the gift horse and keep it moving.
I love that we're going to Hawaii. Yeah.
Should I tell people that you don't want to. We'll be back once to tell people when we get back that we went to Hawaii, OK?
Why? Because what they say come out of this all will bring her back. OK, right. You can leave this whole thing and I would have said no.
So no one tries to murder Kristen. I thought about that as well. So if you were planning on murdering Kristen, you're going to have to go through me. At this point, we are home. Yeah, but we're recording this before we left so that we can have a vacation. Yes.
Unfortunately, Kristen can't join us because she's working. Yeah, but the pot is going to Hawaii and we're having some stress. And we were talking about our different stresses, how we respond to different things.
Yeah, because which I'm really happy about. But Hawaii has a lot of hurdles to jump before you can enter. You have to have a covert test within 72 hours. There's only specific locations you can go to for these tests that they will honor.
Exactly. And a few people have traveled all the way to Hawaii, got there. This test isn't approved.
You have to go back or you have to stay here for 10 days in quarantine. So those are two terrible options, right?
I don't understand why they wouldn't. You just why wouldn't they give you a test then? Have you quarantined?
Yeah, I don't know what the difference between if they feel safe with you not having had it within 72 hours of flying. I don't know why they wouldn't feel safe with you not having had it. Seventy two hours after a landing, like minimally, you should just have to quarantine for three days and then they test. Yeah.
And so everyone in the pod has received their results. The negative COGAT test. Oh wow.
Except me and you too. Good to be true.
I'm nervous. Yeah. And you're not. Yeah.
And we discussed it's not that I don't get nervous over things, I get nervous over a ton of things and I have anxiety and I, I ruminate in my bed at night. Yeah. But yeah I was telling you I actually I get zero stress over things I cannot in any way steer the outcome up. So it's like you and I took that test yesterday. Yeah. It's either going to show up or it's not and there's nothing I can do to make that happen or not happen.
Yeah. So it's just I'll find out. And so I don't I cannot think about it. Yeah.
And I think well there's nothing that's totally out of my control, like I can try to like I was saying like last minute, get a test at the airport, but then I have to schedule that for an hour before our flight. But at what point do I jump ship and decide that's what I have to do. So that's in my head.
That's very true. But let's set what time that is. So let's pick a time where you say, OK, it's time to be able to do that.
That's going to be like at 11 o'clock at night. Oh, really? Well, don't you think? But what if I can't get a test booked at 11? Like I feel like perhaps I should book a test earlier.
See, I have a similar like people get nervous when an airplane starts experiencing turbulence or something or just bad weather. That's another thing. I don't get nervous at all because I'm like, what am I going to do, go up there and fly the plane better?
Well, you said that if they're dead, I'll fly better than the passengers, but I certainly won't fly it better than them.
Well, I really glad you said that. Oh, I don't think at all. I'm as good as the popular. I'm glad you've spoken out loud.
My claim is always if you're picking from the bozos and back, I'm a good pair.
But you've said that you can do a root canal.
Well, I've said as long as there is a YouTube video, I can do anything that a YouTube video exists.
OK, so can you also transfer that just for the respective, like, oral surgeons that you can't do it as well as them out of one YouTube video, just like you can't fly the plane as well as the pilot?
Yes, this is where we've gotten into many of these debates.
Boy, I think you guys hold medicine and health care in this. Kind of fairy tale way, dribbling out a tooth is a drill with a drill bit. It is a very mechanical operation.
It has nothing to do with how much they know about cell division in microbiology, cell division, microbiology.
It's drilling in your mouth is different than drilling it, really. That's my point, is not if you're taking a dremel to drill out a little piece of wood in a very specific spot, you've put a dot on it. You're going to go down a quarter inch and you watch the bit drilling, drilling.
The repercussions are much worse. Sure, you make a mistake. So you have to practice that many times in its environment to know that maybe the saliva has it's not the same. If you have no if you have no practice, I guarantee it's not going to feel the exact same way as what you're used to drilling.
But what I'm saying is where the rubber meets the road with procedures, i.e. surgeries or dental work, it is a mechanical endeavor at that point. It has nothing to do with your knowledge of microbiology. That's not what you're doing. You have like a physical problem.
But it does have to do with your knowledge of annatto.
A lot know it like you circle the tooth. I got to pull out. I don't need to know the names of the twenty six teeth. I don't need to know because that's all the stuff where the nerves are.
You don't have to own the names, but you need to know exactly what's around and what's happened.
When they rip a tooth out Monaca they take players in the fucking pull the tooth out. There's really nothing more magical going on. The math. It's very dismissive, I don't know if there is some crazy complication. Yeah, I don't know how to address, like a broken blood vessel in there, but pulling something out with pliers I can do. I just need to watch a YouTube video where they're gripping it and. Yeah, OK.
I know you don't like it. Now, I think I could lose a few surgeries, I think I could probably. If I watch the video like 20 times, I feel like I could do OK. I watched the knee surgery once and I'm like I watch the whole thing right. It was on TV in Amsterdam. I was on hash at Chiche and it was mesmerizing and wild the way they treat your body when you're out cold. I mean, they treat it like, no, there's nothing fancy going on.
So there's sawing off the rotted candle at the end of the distal end of your femur.
And then they're putting this little gusset over it. And it's just a piece of metal and they just take an impact gun and they just screw it into your bone and then they do it to the tibia or to blow whatever one they do it to, and then they stick it together. I mean, if that's really what happens now, my sutures would be terrible when I had to sew the person back up.
But the song The Bone and putting on the cap, I could do OK.
I'm a little too stressed about the test to really fight this right now.
OK. OK, fine, fine. Ten to this battle with you. People would argue it's the height of my arrogance.
I don't know if it's the height, but it's up there. I think rebuilding an engine is as complicated or more than many of the procedures.
Here's the body. You can only say that if you've done both. Well, I've watched both. No, done unless you've done both.
That person I will trust to say this is actually just as hard or harder. I'm fine. I'll take that. But I it can't be from you who's never done it if you don't to me.
And then I watched never done surgery.
If you'd like to find me a person who thought about me OK was kind of a no surgical extraction.
Well I pulled a freckle out. You did so. And I'm calling myself a surgeon.
You're a dermatologist.
I had a freckle on my hair that I did not like, which is bug. It appeared out of nowhere.
I got a little nervous. Must be something wrong with it because it shouldn't be appearing out of nowhere in my 30s. So I removed it. I get new freckles all the time.
Yeah, I removed mine. I don't know why I didn't like it. Freckles are great.
They are great. But not on you.
I'm not crazy about them on me because. Because I don't have many at all. So when one appears it's like whoa. Uh I notice it.
Were you afraid it would spread. Yeah. And I mean there's always that chance.
I'd love to be overtaken by my freckles because I hate.
Oh why am I like your freckles. I like everyone's freckles. I just don't like when one appears on my hand out of nowhere and I don't have any others to make a cool pattern. Right.
You know, it's a constellation.
So Lambourn really was wild about them. So fun.
I enjoyed that conversation so much. What a cool guy.
Cool dude. Very. Who wrote whistling Vivaldi. Claude Steele.
I've talked about it so much. OK, is MacGruber the last SNL character to be turned into a movie? Oh, man. Thought it was according to my research, it was OK. Great.
And that was in 2010 before that, ladies man.
Well, Tim Meadows, superstar. OK, I was with Molly Shanelle.
The what you call it should be in that era as well. Austin Powers, was that not done?
It's not it's not on here.
It might not be he might not have intentionally not done that character there, because I think he was upset that they owned and.
Oh, I think I don't want to put words in his mouth.
Mike Myers, superstar, a night at the Roxbury Blues Brothers, 2000. Stuart saves his family. It's Pat Wayne's World to Coneheads, Wayne's World, Blues Brothers.
And he misses those. He sure does. But that is true. There have been so many sketches since then. That would be funny.
Yeah, the comedy genre evolved a lot from the nineties to to that once both Old School and Wedding Crashers came up. Yeah, it's a real paradigm shift. It's like a concept. Heavy things were gone.
You're right. It did shift. Do you think it shifted since then, trying to think there's been another shift? Well, I don't know. I don't think one has been successful since.
But then, like, I feel like there's an era of, like, Apatow comedy. Right. But I would argue those are within. You do OK.
Yeah, ok. OK. Who is the costume designer on WOAK?
I have two pieces of media going at the same time. My laptop and my phone. Two devices set costumer is Shantal Richard. But then there's others. We need the costume designer.
I know it's not on there, but he also said that the creator of the show is.
Heavily involved, yes. I can't find it. OK, great. Remains a mystery. Some things are better as it should be easy to find that Internet. I don't like that. It's not. That's my grievance. So that was Lambourn. I hope we've made it to Hawaii and back by now.
Oh, wow. This would be so exciting of this came up posthumously and they were like they were so naive. They thought they return from Hawaii.
Oh, my God. It's like it's a spooky ghost story.
We're speaking from the other side. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. We got ding, ding, ding. We think we're having a fantasy. Oh, my God. We are in heaven.
I made it despite our rejection of the conventional religions, made it to heaven.
Or I wake up from my seizure during this trip and turns out none of this is real. Well, if you're on the trip, it has to be real.
Why? Because how are you going to be in Hawaii on a vacation if your life's not great? No, no, like we're on the vacation and then that's part of my dream, your dream. All right. And then I wake up. No, I wake up in my life.
My real self wakes up out in a hospital.
You're like a 90 year old granny that's been in a coma. Maybe, oh, and what if you open your eyes and I'm there and I'm one hundred, you're like, oh, no, it wasn't true, but then I'm there at 110.
That's a chilling ending to a movie. Oh, I like that, too. Wow. A grandma and grandpa.
I mean, I'm not even I shouldn't say this because people don't like when I say this.
OK, but we did have the thought if something happened. Oh yeah. Playing. Huh. Some people really hate talking. Yeah, they did.
It has some power over the future. Yeah. I don't believe that it does. So I like jokes like that.
If we were on a spectrum, what would you say on feeling like jinxing is a thing. I'm a seven. Oh wow. I'm pretty good.
But the plane thing doesn't bother you for some reason this time around I am not worried about it, but we were just kind of pointing out that, you know, you are not on this trip.
Virtually every single friend she has and her family. Yeah. Yeah. There's a there's precious cargo.
Yes. For her. Yeah. Oh, that's a bad night.
I probably don't recover from that. I don't know that you come back from that. Yeah, but emails about.
Oh she'd have just like she could start all over. Well that's what I when I, when we were saying this joke and some people were getting mad and some people liked it, I was saying if something that tragic has to happen, I don't want anyone that knows me left to see what I become.
So it's almost better for me that nobody else around to, like, call me and see if I'm OK because I'm not going to be OK and I'm going to deal with it in a very specific way.
And it's just best that no one else is around to witness anyway.
But it's fine. They're fine. We're back. And we made it. Yeah. What a great trip.
Really fun trip. Oh, my God. Sebastian, Charlie got voted hottest guy on the island. I mean, I can totally believe it, but you're not expecting that kind of ceremony.
No, they really presented him with the whole pig and the whole pig.
Yeah. All right. I love you. I love you. Bye bye.