98- The Red Wedding (ft. Lauren & Hannah Berner)Call Her Daddy
- 2,035 views
- 7 Oct 2020
Welcome to The Red Wedding Mother FUCKERS. Alex is joined by childhood best friend, Lauren, to exploit the recent drama that she has been involved in with her ex- Slim Shady, his best friend who is getting married next week, and his current side hoe. Lots and lots of drama, which ends in Alex potentially attending a wedding? Then, Hannah Berner joins Alex to discuss an update on both of their dating lives. Hannah has a 44 year old boyfriend who she has fallen in love with and moved in with?!?! What has quarantine done to us! The women also detail the dirty FaceTime sex they have been having with their men, the perfect toilet angle for the p*ssy(?!), discuss the ass eating they are loving, and the angles that make your asshole look fabulous. ALSO, Hannah explains a strange phenomenon she is experiencing that includes only being able to have an orgasm when her legs are straight. ENJOY DADDY GANG!!!
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Do you call him daddy? Do I call her daddy, call her daddy.
What the fuck is up, Daddy? It is your founding father backordered Erkan for another episode of Call Her Daddy.
I have a roommate here with me tonight. Yes, I'm recording this at night.
I'm feeling a little wild child. I don't usually drink, but tonight's intro is really going to have to be one that I'm a little intoxicated for. Lauren, thank you for coming back.
Thank you for having me back.
The last time you were here was Episode three when I came back from the funeral episode.
Yeah, in my mind, that's just like the depths of Corona that, oh, my God, we were so dark.
It was dark, dark. Your parents basement. So now you're back. The daddy being missed you. It's OK. I'm back. I'm living on your couch.
Lauren is literally living on my couch currently. Details to come, but she's living on my couch. How do you like it?
Well, I can't complain because you're twelve thousand dollar couch is more than I would pay for an entire year in rent.
So you're like you're feeling lucky. Yeah. Did you find the cum stain. Yeah. Or are you feeling OK living on the couch. No, I put a blanket down then I sleep on top of it. So like all as well guys. Lauren is just like, listen, I know what's going on on this couch, but like, I'm just like thankful to be here. I'm thankful to have you here. I've invited Lauren to, like, sleep in my bed multiple times.
The amount of face time sex this woman is having on a nightly basis with her boyfriend. I'm like, it's OK.
I call my boyfriend. I said, boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend. No, no, no. Listen, I don't even know. Are you having face time sex with the same guy? It's the same guy. I think that listen, he's not my boyfriend, but I definitely since you've been here, I've been talking to one of them more frequently, but I think.
Oh, I know. OK, I know. Because you're like friends with him. Yeah. Like we three three a three way FaceTime every night, which actually now I think back to you guys.
Remember Lauren's episode. I just am remembering this now. Oh my gosh. We even realize what we're doing. I'm sliding in already so we can use me as a pawn later down the line. No more being healthy this time, guys. If you guys remember last last time Lauren was all we talked about, how Lauren is the perfect friend, that when I get a boyfriend or a guy that I'm talking to seriously, she infiltrates because she's like so naturally likable.
Yeah, so such like the complete opposite of me. So nice, so genuine, so likable. No games. And they sense that. So I sic Lauren on them and then all of a sudden they're like, oh my God, Lauren, like we love you. And then you get close together. And then if I ever need you to infiltrate like boom boom there for you, like you sell my soul for you sell the soul.
This guy has been like, wow, I kind of like like you more after meeting Lauren, like you are friends with a normal person. Like you can't be that like.
Oh no, it is kind of weird, like Daddy getting multiple times because we'll FaceTime all the time. He FaceTime all the time. All the all day. I'm like really happy like that.
You have two flaws which is really rare in New York because I feel like we need like a full floor behind us. So like you can go up there at night and like, get weird. Yeah.
Yeah, it's definitely gotten he's I've never had as much face time sex and I mean, talk about it later on this episode because Hannah's coming in. I've never had so much face time sex with this guy. They're having a great time sex, which is great. Always love that uncle or daddy, but I'm a real no on a real no.
This is like really healthy and I'm like, really, really happy and like I like really like this guy. Like, if you guys break up, like, I'll take him, OK?
It's like so I actually love him and like, I'm liking him as a prospect. No, but Lauren, I've been talking about dating and we're like he really is like.
He's got it all. Yeah, like we're waiting to see, like, like five episodes, are you going to tell us you're engaged? Oh, no. Lauren and I were walking down the street.
This is disgusting. It shouldn't go on call her daddy because I promise you guys, I'm like, I don't have a boyfriend, but Lauren is walking with me and she's like, she dares hit me with this. She goes, is it kind of weird that, like, you may have, like, already met your husband?
I'm like, Lauren, get out of my face. Why are you saying take me off the curb? And the traffic never happened. Right, right. Right. And then all of a sudden I'm like doing like, psycho kind of crazy shit to him later that night. And I'm like, it's probably because Lauren just fucking hit me with the husband. Word you going to spice up anyways? More of the story is it's health, it's wellness, it's fun.
And we're actually going on vacation.
All three of us open like it's me and Lauren. I'm going on vacation in two weeks out. There's not going to be an episode of Call Her Daddy on October 21st. So I figured why not go and get fucked in a different country with my mom, with me for my birthday. It's cool. I'll get over it. No, it's fine. I'm going to get you multiple gifts. Don't worry.
Things in. So we're talking about health and wellness. Let's let's bring it back a little bit.
A little walk down memory lane, you know, a little walk down.
If you guys remember last week Daddy saying, I told you that there was a story coming your fucking way of Red Wedding.
Oh, red mother, fucking wet period. Blood everywhere. She is disgusting. I told you guys it's Slim Shady was back and thankfully not truly back like in my sack in my life. More so, just like of course there's always drama with him and he's back. And we're going to walk you through what's going on, because this really dates back to literally three years ago and why I have Lauren on it, because she's involved. I lived that lived this.
And I think sometimes, like I said last week, it really is to the point. It's like I, I cannot make this shit up. I'm here to fact check. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. I'm live fact checking in the debate here. Thank you. This is a debate. Here we go. Here we go. Yeah. It can't be worse than the one we all watched the other night. OK, so let's walk through also.
Everybody go vote, please. Thank you. Go vote. Back in the day I dated Slim Shady, you all know that we're all like we're tired of the narrative that was the toxic old days, the psychosis momos this.
We get it. But there was a character that I never introduced to the daddy getting back in those dark, dark days. Drum roll, please. Drum roll, motherfucking please. And Laurin, you said, you know, you have to come up with a name for him, Alex, because we obviously can't say his name on this podcast.
So I'm going to give him a name. And at first you're going to make that stupid. But once you hear our our whole debrief of who this man is, it will really be fitting.
I'm going to I'm going to call him. What are you going to call him? I'm going to call him fucking Bozo the Clown. Do I need to say the full name every time you say bozo. Got it. OK. They kind of also sounds like his name anyway. I agree. Yeah. I'm like kind of sticking it to him. So listen to me, guys. Bozo is basically slim. Slim Shady is best friend. So when I was dating Slim Shady, this guy was around 24/7.
He didn't live in New York with us, but he would constantly fly up and visit us.
And and I want to give you guys, like a nice little bio of who bozo is. He essentially is what I used to refer to on this podcast as a vulture.
Explain to me, as I didn't listen to your podcast back in the day, I learned never listen to old episodes. But now, ever since the single father era, she's a great I'm a loyal friend. Yeah. And she listens to every episode. So what we describe the vultures is like a guy or girl, but usually it's men that have a famous friend or a rich ass friend and they're the friend that just leeches on and is a vulture.
And you go out to the club and you see like the rich dude, and then he always has that friend that's like not even that hot and like a fucking loser, but he just gets girls inherently and he's so creepy. But just because he's friends with the hot, like a celebrity guy, like a different level than what, a more than an entourage. Oh, more than Montrouge. He's a full blown dick writer. Like his identity is like ingraining Slim Shady.
Slim dies tomorrow. He dies tomorrow. Yes, he is the definition of a guy that like if he's not going to the club with Slim that night, he'll walk up to the bouncer I home calling him Slim. Slim Shady. He'll walk up to the bouncer. I'm like, yeah, I'm friends with blah blah blah blah.
I whip out his phone like, here, look at my Instagram. You can see all these pictures of us together. We're like this. Let me in. Free bottle, free table, hook it up because I'll call him.
Also there's something like fucked up about like a man doing that. I feel like girls could do that more easily because we're like known as mooches and we want to get bottles like a man like going up to a bouncer, be like I'm friends with so and so.
It's like who are a man, a thirty year old man, daddy, this man. OK, and mind you, Daddy King, what's his job?
What does he do? See, this is a question. I mean, this is the question. What is his job?
Lauren and I have been asking ourselves this since we met Slim Shady and him digging this hole honestly wrapped up the entire explanation of who Bozo is.
He works for large. You remember, he works for his father's company. So like Daddy getting every weekend, this guy would be able to just fly to New York to visit some shady and I because he works for dad's company. He actually have a real fucking job. No, but he just like works for the dad, Slim Shady.
He rides his daddy, Dick. Oh, come. So you guys got it. He loves Slim Shady. How does he feel about you? So and there we go. So in the very beginning of this relationship, I became his best friend, Bozo, and I would like pregame before we would go see Slim Shady Blasik Alex Cooper move one.
Oh, we'll go back to the beginning, learn and befriend the best friend of the guy you're dating. Bozo loved me. He and I would drink, we would pregame, we would everything together. We were best friends. We would all go out to the clubs. UAM was involved. Oh, I was. I was there. It was literally me, Bozo Lauren and Slim Shady, like at one OK, at a table together. Fun times.
However, as Slim Shady and my relationship progressed and naturally, this is what happens when you get in a relationship situation.
Slim Shady and I were like, I don't really want to go to one OK tonight. And Slim Shady would be like, let's stay in and watch a movie and Netflix and chill Netflix until I just want to fuck my girlfriend. And I don't feel like going to a club because I'm not chasing pussy.
But that didn't work for Bozo. He did not like that because Bozo was single and he was also kind of a fucking loser.
The only way he was cool, any kind of a fucking he was kind of a fucking loser. That was a thirty year old dude and Slim Shady was younger than him. And he just we were like, twenty two. Mind you, we had just graduated college in this thirty year old man is like trying to get it on Slim Shady. He's like, hey, you got a bottle tonight. So when Slim Shady and I started to kind of become like wifey coupled up.
Bozo realized his days of, like, raging and getting the fun, crazy, Slim Shady, we're kind of over because of you.
Because of me. Yeah, poor bozo.
OK, but also, I'm not going to fully put the blame on Bozo because we look back on that relationship and I think we see also like who was Slim Shady to just have these kind of people around him that just like he knew he was getting used, bozo was the worst. But like this is how all of his relationships went down. Every single friend in Slim Shady life uses him for his clout and his money.
Yeah, the point. Let's wrap this part up, Daddy. Now, it's like, OK, well, where are we now with Bozo? When when Slim Shady and I broke up, it got so dark towards the end that it became almost like a battle love between Bozo and I like who was going to win, who's getting the rose, literally. It was literally a bachelorette bachelor, whoever is going to get the fucking rose. And it's honestly is meant for another story, a fucking book, who knows?
But basically what ended up happening with Bozo and I is it got so deep that agents got involved. A Slim Shady parents got involved. My parents got involved. Your brother got to like everyone in both of our families. And also his extended fucking life got involved, extended fucking entourage.
His entourage got involved and it got deep and dark and really fucking psychotic. Then we finally broke up.
OK, so all you need to know is Boso hates me, hate your guts. He saw me in person to this day. He would run me over with a fucking car, no doubt. And I'm not fucking with you. That's literally how much he hates me. No doubt. Maybe me too. Just like that. Just because you're so sure. Yeah. And we're doing this podcast right now and he knows it's about him. Exactly.
Fast forward three years later, Daddy getting boso is getting married.
Present day, present day. And you haven't been following this long story. Boso is getting married in one day to save the day. Save the fucking date, daddy. Gay. So the tables have turned. Slim Shady is single.
Boso is getting married. So let's say, bozo, we're going to just make a random name, Bozo is marrying, let's say Jessica. Oh, Jessica, Jessica a classic Jessica. That's what you need. Jessica. Jessica. Slim Shady, who is going to be in Bozo's wedding party, obviously. He may even be the best man. I'm not sure fully Slim Shady is hooking up with Jessica's maid of honor. This sounds like a conflict of interest, a little entanglement.
I see some problem with foreshadowing and maybe so.
Here is where the story ramps the fuck up. Daddy going. Are you already you're like, I'm just trying to write on my notepad. All these characters. We've just got the maid of honor, Slim Shady Bozo Lauren Alex. Hello. Welcome to call her daddy this week. Bozos getting married. Slim Shady is fucking the fucking maid of honor. And CDMs me. What more?
I know you were there. I know. You know, I'm trying to be dramatic. I think we were there. You're like, I'm pretending on the dating game. Oh, my God.
So Lauren and I are on our way to this rooftop bar this past weekend, and I'm looking at my DMS and I see this girl DM's me and I recognize her name because this girl and I have spoken via her fake account before and now she's DMI me from her real account. So we have had words in her fake account like six months ago. Slim Shady was classic lying to both of us. I was visiting him. She found out that I was visiting him, got super upset because he was obviously telling her, baby, you're the only one that I'm talking to.
And then it's like I have my public platform. And she's like, wait, you're literally in California. Slim Shady is in California. You're in his home. What the fuck is going on? And I talked about it on the podcast before, and I feel like I was super immature the way I handled that situation.
And I'll own that. I like that for you both.
Good. I'm proud of you. So she joins me from her real account. And I'm like, recognize her name? I'm like, yo, this is the girl that blah, blah, blah is like fucking. So I look at Lauren and all that. Her dream is it says she sent me a video and it's like blurred for Instagram.
If you're not friends, it's like blurred your blurred for your protection. Yeah. Just God forbid we see Slim Shady Dick, which we thought I was dead convinced is like she sent you like a video of them having fun, like, ha ha, fuck you bitch. Who's on top now? Daddy, can I open her? D.M. She is driving in her car. This is important because I was like, she has to be.
And you're like, no, she's driving. She's driving this girl sober. Yeah.
And she does me a video of her and she's zooming in on a baseball hat she was wearing. And it is a call her daddy block him hat that you can go purchase on our fucking Murchú. This girl's wearing my mirch.
Mind you, if she walked in the door wearing that in front of Slim Shady, he would rip it off her head, light it on fire and tell her to go fucking take a shower like you're disgusting. OK, so. So this girl's wearing merch and she messages me something along the lines of like from your favorite side. Her, like, my friends are dating and they bought me this. Ha ha ha ha fuckin. So I see that.
And I'm like, oh fuck. Now we're both on the same side like damn. I feel I at this point I'm like. I don't have any loyalty to this girl, but I've been where she is, and I knew in that moment she probably was fucking her. As much as you can joke about in the moment, she's probably fucking her. And I realized in that moment, like, damn Slim Shady must have fucking done something super shady and he must have fucked her over.
And now she's, like, reaching out to me. And I totally respect that. I get it because I've been through it and I've been vocal about how he's been shady to me too. Yeah. To reach out to the acts like you definitely have to be feeling some type of way. Yes, I sympathize. Me too.
So I and Lauren sitting there and you're like, what are you going to messager back like what are you going to messager back. And I was super fucking chill. I'm like, dude, like I'm so sorry. Like I'm assuming this means like he fucked you over. Like I'm wishing the best, like I like hope everything works out.
And that's when I knew you had been in there.
Like, well I like looking at me and she's like you just you just responded to like healthy. And I'm like, yeah. Like I have no ill will towards her and I like genuinely can sympathize. I've been in his fucked up world before and like, I truly believe everyone has to learn for themselves. When you're going through shit with fuck boys, it's like you can tell people it's not he's not a good person. But if someone had told me that back then, I would have still kept seeing him for life.
No matter what I say, this girl needs to go on her own journey. And I respect that 1000 percent.
Nobody will say, you know what I mean, out of you. So I start messaging her back and forth. Jerry Yang. And this is where the story takes a turn for the worse. And this is where the Red Wedding fucking comes in to motherfucking play anything. Are you listening? You're all like, yes, Alex, get to the fucking point. All of a sudden, the the rage and trust me, girlfriend, I've been there and I feel you the stages of the rage, the stages of grief, the rage of the the maid of honor takes a turn for the worst.
Daddy, she messages me and she says, I've been talking to my friends about this, and how do you feel about this?
What I know the story.
I know, but what they tell us. Dedicating she proceeds to ask me to be her date now, because Slim Shady is her date to this wedding. They're going to walk their processing down the aisle into the wedding party and splitting ways and going up onto the fucking altar together, OK? She asks me to fly down to this state. Do I say the state Texas down to Dallas, she tells me to fly down and to be her date, surprising Slim Shady at this wedding to fuck with his head.
This girl wants me to crash Bozo's wedding just so that she can pull one over on Slim Shady. And the two of us walk in the door like, what's up, mother fucker? You thought you were fucking me over. Now go fuck yourself at your best friend's fucking wedding and mind you won't mind you. Mind you, this girl is ready to throw over everything. Everything. She's ready to fuck over her best friend's wedding in order to fuck over Slim Shady.
He does that to people. This is DA. Yeah, this is. And this is why I have you sitting across from me, because this is this doesn't sound real. This is a full blown movie script. Yeah. You do know Wedding Crashers. Who do they have? What is this, Wedding Crashers or straight up. Straight up caller Danny and Lauren and I kind of had an aha.
Moment of and I think that this can relate to the dating, even though you're all like, please find a way to tie this into this, Alex, because this is a normal the moral of this story, I feel like is when you are fucking with a fuck boy, you can get so deep you're going to lose your so you can lose yourself and that is your prerogative 100 percent.
Trust me, I've been there. She's in it. We've all been in it. But I think the moral of the story is like you have to make sure that you only let it affect your fucking life, because the minute that you let that shit bleed into people that you love and the people that you're best friends with or your family members or whoever the fuck actually genuinely cares about you. And it's almost like not fair because you're intoxicated by the fact you don't even see it.
Oh, I like that. Right? Yeah, intoxicated by the fact. But you have to have a pause moment to be like, hold on.
Am I am I about to ruin my best friend's wedding just to fuck over a guy that I'm not even publicly, fully even dating? Yeah. And I do not blame you. Trust me, I have been crazy. If this wasn't her best friend's wedding, I would be like, sweetheart, this you are out of your mind. And I am so here for it. If this was a random wedding that they were going on a date to.
Yeah, I mean, it's, you know, who the fuck is getting. Yeah. If you're also following over Slim Shady, hilarious. Honestly, like brilliant. This has big implications. This is bigger than that. Yeah.
And so I think this was one of those moments where Lauren and I were like, damn, like Slim Shady is like he's like not a good guy. No. And seeing what because I can tell this girl's a good fucking chick. And I think that, like, but everyone has to do it at their own pace. Yeah. This girl, this is this is you three years later, I'm actually like if we were a little better. Yeah.
We were to flash flashback three years ago. You were inviting someone to someone's wedding.
I was full. Well no, I was literally like having this. I was having an absolute like all of the girls he's ever fucked show up outside in the position like every girl he stuck his penis in. I'm like, Hello, Slim Shady. Nice to meet you. Yeah, but I just wanted to share the story because it's like like coming full circle. I think it's wild to be sitting here with you. Learn where you were with me when I dated this dude.
And for me it worked at the time.
I loved the status and I was just like kind of being surface level. I didn't know what I wanted. I honestly knew that he was being fucking shady and I didn't give a fuck and it worked for me. Now I'm at a stage in my life where I'm like, I have my career, I have my own money and a relationship like that for me I've grown out of. And now I'm like, wait, no, I need someone now that can actually, like, not bring bills you up and accept you and like you, like you are.
I'm dating fucking Alex Cooper. Yeah.
And not be like a guy that's being shady, so like supportive and like loves me. And it's like treating me like a fucking like what I deserve. Boom. And I shout out to you girlfriend because honestly it sounds fucked up, but I'm almost happy you're going through this in a weird way, because I know once you deal with someone like this, once you get away from him, you will look back and be having the same fucking revelation that I'm having right here on this podcast right now.
And you will be like, yo, I'm worth so much fucking more.
Pass the baton, pass the fucking baton and bitch, move on, but move the fuck up and run away and run because that is dark. What an intro. Are you guys fucking ready for the rest of the fucking episode? You're like, no, we need a break, Alex. OK, let me go into a fucking odd relaxed fine.
Here we go. Do you own a vibrator? Do you have lube on your nightstand and do you own a butt plug? Adam and Eve? Alex what's that? Adam and Eve is the best fucking place to get your sex toys, your vibrators, your lube, your lingerie, every fucking thing you need. When you think of sex, Adam and fucking Eve, because it's free shipping, it's delivered discreetly to your door. So your mom and dad aren't like Bethany.
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You're fucking welcome. So I'm sitting here, there's a brunette in the room, not the one that you thought you're like, is she back? No, no, no. Listen, there is a brunette in the room, Hannah.
Burner. You forgot my last name. No, I thought they burned and I was like burned, something burning in hell. Mike Hanna. Hanna. Hey, how are you doing? Fuck, I had a burner burner. Thank you, baby. Guys, if you remember, last I spoke to Hanna, she was single. I was single. And now we're both sitting here. And before we started the episode, we were joking. We're like, first we were fucked boys.
And now we're like, we're ready to go on, say yes to the dress. We're getting married because shit changes really quick so far. And that's what I always say to people. No, I'm single. I'm single. It takes that one person, one person, one second, one fucking second. And then suddenly all those love songs make sense. I get thank you. And all of a sudden you're like, wait, this hits like a little different.
That's what Neil was talking about. Like, he does that for me. I mean, while it was like, fuck the love songs don't like to play the love song. And now I'm starting to think about, like, what song will I play at my wedding? Like Alex, I didn't even think I was going to have a wedding.
I didn't think I was going get married. Well, you know, deep down, we're like, I'm always safe because I got to remember number three, I will marry.
Then all of a sudden I got out of a fucking business meeting call and all of a sudden my life changed forever. What happened? Oh, I don't even know the tables, how the tables have turned. You know, this is OK. First of all, you do have a full blown boyfriend because I don't have a boyfriend, OK?
I work fucking fast. I trapped this guy's ass.
We met. Well, we talked about. Oh, my gosh, sorry, daddy, we already know him. We have not spoken since, like we said, save it for the podcast because we're doing a full blown like what's going on in your life right now. Catch up.
Hannah, do you remember the 44 year old that I said was the best sex of my life? Yes. Which he was like, why don't you use my name?
You're like, first of all, you didn't you didn't have a name at the time. You're just a forty four year old. The fuck the pussy. Right. And you fucked a fucking good. Now, however, all of a sudden, this is how I know you have a boyfriend, Daddy. Listen to that. I wake up in the morning, fucking cup of coffee in one hand and Instagram and the other like the ho I am and I'm scrolling, checking up on all the things.
And all of a sudden I look at my fucking Instagram and I see God damn Hannah posting a picture with a man on the ground making it a bro. All my fucking rules, all the rules. I was I've dated guys for ten months and never put them up because deep down I'm like, once I put them up, then when we break up, I have to explain as if he really knows. And that's almost how fucked up is that everyone if you know, you don't want to post them.
And it's not like because I want this to be private and intimate, it's more like, oh, because I know there's going to be a fucking end date and that'll be fucking awkward as hell this time though. What the fuck. You posted it.
You fucking he actually was like, I'm going to post on mine and you start getting all this good attention. I go, I want some attention. You're like, hold on. I go. We look fucking cute. You did. And I just posted it and then you commented early. I was having a full blown mental because I'm like, hold on. I thought we were in the fucking thing together. Hannah, let's reconnect. Call her daddy, you fucking whore.
The wild thing is, I actually had a psychic, OK? I feel like I touched on the psychic topic last time, but I want to freak people out. I just give it to us.
So I just had this woman who damns me and I let her because, I mean, I'm bored and I have nothing else going on. And you're not in therapy right now?
Oh, yes, I my therapist is your I should be OK. She's like my psychic told me you need to go to therapy, but I like you better because you're easy. She's way more fun. She tells you what you want to hear.
She basically told me I was I was face timing with this former football player and she was like, he's not the one.
And I was like, no shit. He asked, but he literally can't speak English. But like, also it's fine, like he's hot.
But he also was like in Florida, just like fucking girls every night and then FaceTime me at night and like I liked that he liked talking to me more than those girls. Yeah. And he would talk about like how yeah. He's like, I'm just fucking fours and like because I know they'll leave in the morning like he was gross.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's kind of entertaining. I'm not going to lie.
I think when you have a fuck boy that you know, you're his main like talking banter with person, it's fun because you're like, oh, I have a level up then like the fucking four that he's railing and like throwing out the fucking trash.
I get no satisfaction from a guy saying I'm hot, nothing. I'm sexy, I guess has fashion.
When a guy's like, I want to hang with you, I want to call you, I want to face time.
You that shit makes me what that is a guy real to me. A guy thinks French toast is sexy. Yeah. A guy thinks anything is sexy, anything. A guy thinks his fucking phone is sexy literally. He sees him in his Chevrolet fucked up shit. Sorry. Sorry. Why I went over my head. Please quickly clean. Oh Timothy told me he's so high. I love him. We love him. But he fucked a peach. What do you mean a peach.
He fucked a peach in the movie called me but calling my name. Yeah that was kind of hot. Yeah yeah. Yeah. He put his dick in the. It was very kind of hot. But the point is they will fuck you. Fuck. Yeah. They think everything is hot. So when a man is like baby your brain all of a sudden I'm like, oh my God, you noticed it like hot. OK, hold on. So you're talking to this random guy.
You're also psychic is like, no, he's not the one actually me. And then, like, he was kind of thing, he'd FaceTime me and then he'd, like, go off and like, text.
Right. Like you FaceTime me. And then I'd be like, you know, or he'd look at the ceiling. But he just like wanted to face how can we agree that you start quarantining? We want to just like people on our roster. And we're like now I'm like I am bored of the pointless conversations with the fucking idiot football players and the baseball players or whatever fucking players, players. I think what's happened is the world is burning yes to hell and to hell.
And time is not of the essence. No. If you just want to talk bullshit with tons of hot guys.
Sure. But I was like, I want to feel some. Yes, I want my life to have some meaning. This is yes, I'm putting my fucking jersey on the bleachers and I'm walking away and I'm ready to put on my gown. So tell us. So you're in a relationship. My psychic says you're going to meet someone during quarantine and he's walking towards you.
And then my head, I'm like, I'm living with my parents. You're like, you're seeing my dad or my car. I'm not sure which one. Like, she's like to know Hannah. So and she goes, he's going to be your type, but something's going to be not your type about him. And I go, well, is he six three?
And she's like, yes. And I go, thank God they were good.
And then I get a damn slide like two weeks later from this guy. Who's a comic who is 44 and he was just like, are you out east? And I was like, Yeah. And he's like, let's let's he lose just like you want to get coffee. And I was like, yes, there was no games. I was like, here's my digits. He was cool. It was just like fucking boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
So there's no games right off the bat.
Zero game playing. And I don't know how to play the rules when there's no rules.
No, it's almost like because you're not playing a game, it's still a game because you're like, I'm going to just be my game is no game. The game is no game. But it feels strange because I like the honesty. Coming out of my mouth right now is so cringe. Like, I don't know why I just said I like you, but I just said it. And so now we're going to go with it. And it's almost like I feel like I am just like blindly making I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm being honest with every man that I'm talking to right now. And it is so psychotic. I don't know what to tell the dad. I'm like, I'll quickly update you soon. Like, I'm being honest.
I am not. I mean, it's going on. So you start and you're not playing games with this man.
He's forty four. Yes. I like this guy you've ever dated. Oldest guy I've ever dated by far. There's something I want to get deep here for a second, but I think it's like during quarantine we're stuck with ourselves so much that finally it's like you for you to be happy with someone you want to be with, someone who makes you feel like yourself.
And if you don't know who yourself is or like that self, then you don't want to be with someone who makes you feel like yourself.
So you just want to talk to random do exactly because you have to face yourself. You still look in the fucking mirror and a relationship is a mirror. I mean, are you my therapist? She said that to me, my other sessions with Hannah. Hello. You're my therapist. No, wait. She's straight up said like Alex, who you are in a relationship with. It's like literally a mirror because you're choosing people. And so there I look.
And if you're being honest with them and honest with their feelings, what they reflect back is like who you are. And it's scary. And you have to fucking like who you look at in the mirror.
And but this guy also has seen me like in some very weird situation.
What do you mean by as in like we hung out for five times and he was like falling hard to the point that he was making me feel like I could fall and he'd catch me right now.
Right. And then I had a work project. Yes. In a prison. In a prison with a pool. With a pool for a group of people for about seven weeks where I was tested.
I was tested emotionally because he couldn't be in quarantine with you while you were in court. No. So it was all over the phone. So it became a long distance relationship for seven weeks, which means you have a phone call, FaceTime texts and photos.
So, Alex, what are the rules when you cannot be with your man who you are in the honeymoon stage?
When we were faced, we were face timing for three hours and I.
I cannot believe how similar our fucking lives are right now. I've had to do this in alignment. It is like you start to to end. This is the fucking thing, Daddy, listen to me and tell me if this is where you're at, because this is why I feel like you're in love, in quarantine. You have if you aren't with your partner and you're in your honeymoon stage with this guy and you're having three hour face time, I'm going to assume because it fucking happened to me, you're having conversations that you probably would be having like eight months in, six months in.
But the relationship is expedited because you're on fucking FaceTime for three hours with nothing going on in the world. All of a sudden you're getting deep. You're talking about real life shit. You're talking about how he grew up, how you grew up, what you want in your life. And all of a sudden you have a fucking relationship in less than a month and you're like, holy fuck, we're married. You nailed that.
High quarantine is speeding up everything. It's why. Because you're not like because you're not like, oh, look, let's do that next week. Like, you don't have shit to do. And also the fact that you could even phone calls like you could talk to any dude for 20 minutes.
Right. You could flirt with I need you for 20 hours an hour is like you could date him for a couple of months. Yeah. If you can do three hours, multiple times, like you're obsessed with each other's minds, you're like that.
I want you to fuck my mind.
We just he we were like sexting, which I want to get into it like because I love phone sex tips but we were sexting this man.
We're both comics, so we love using our words. We love writing. And I'm just like, oh, I want to feel your throbbing dick, like whatever. And he responds and he just goes, I want to fuck you with my soul.
Alex, I've never felt like most of the time I'd be like, OK, I like Rochelle, I will barf all over everything with your soul.
Shut the fuck up. You mean you want to put your semen inside of me? Like, just relax. I was like, I am a receptacle. What are you talking about?
He goes, I want to fuck you with my soul.
And I've never fucked anyone with my soul. And I was just like, this is the hardest thing I've ever heard because old Hannah would have been so gross out.
All of a sudden you're like, why do I think that's the fucking hottest, cutest thing?
It's so true and that's why. But you know what's hard about not playing games?
The fact that he had the confidence to say he's going to fuck me with his soul, that takes confidence for you to basically be like, I'm not just like fucking the shit out of you and leaving. He's like, I want to feel as close to you as emotionally, physically. I want to give you fucking tongue down your throat while I'm fucking you. Dude, how good.
Because I don't know if you've had it, but like, have you guys had sex where it's like super emotional and then like also then you have the raunchy sex. Because I know with door number three, we could have two completely different types of sex. And it was you almost get addicted to it. And then going and having meaningless sex after is so hard. Once you've had nasty sex where it's like intimate and oh my God, it's fucking hot.
There's the idea of like doing what you think is hot because you've seen it in pornos. We've heard it on a podcast versus you doing whatever you want. And the way he looks at you knowing that he's so like I come from how he looks at me.
Oh, do you like the way he wants me and the way he's admiring me? And like, maybe it's because he's older, too. I think I said this before, but like, younger guys don't know what they're doing, which is they're so in their own head, which is fine because like I was too. And that's like that young love. But with an older man, it's he's so obsessed with different ways to make you come.
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But I want to say like do you have any advice for the long distance, like content because you've had so many like long distance thing. I think that's all I have ever had.
And I really don't know why I this problem, but like actually because if your face time sexing, you not only have to make sure that your video looks good, you also then you also have to be turning him on with your work. OK, let me I want to give the data, give you a quick FaceTime tip, and this is going to sound so fucking extra. And I don't give a fuck if people are going to judge me, but I don't care the guy that I'm dating 24/7, like, I will be sitting on the couch and he's like, let me just like, see the pussy, like for two seconds.
It will make my whole day. Like, let me just like, look at your pussy.
And I'm like, I'm watching TV like you're not turned, but he's so sexual that it makes me feel so hot. Twenty four. Seven because he's like, I want all of you. He's like don't even shave like I want you literally awful workout sweaty. This is what older men are so high and well because you're younger guys will do what they think they want.
There's two types of guys, guys that are like I want you shave and I want your nails done. Oh, my God. Like your buddy. Do you know how hard it is to get the hair on the top of your butt? You many times I've sliced the top of my asshole to try to get two hairs for some dude to come. Easier. Fuck that. Then there's the kind of guys who are little like I will suck on your dirty tenno.
I want all of your shit suck your asshole until I can't fucking breathe anymore. And I'm like like this. Give me your bad breath. Put it all over my dick, dude, and then you just feel like everything about you he's into. And it makes this is what I've always said, uncolored out every man listening. The more that you can verbally look at your girl and be like you look so fucking hot right now when she's like not wearing makeup, when she's like, finish the workout.
And he's like, I want your pussy right now. That makes me be like, well, then God damn, when I go on, like, date nights, like, he must think I'm fucking fire. So he likes me my worst. So what I did though is we had like a planned face time sex date. OK, and this is the thing about face time sex.
It really is all up to the girl. We are putting on a performance and I'm not essentially getting off to watching him jack off. It's hot to watch him stroking his dick, but I know, like, it's a performance and really we're really the ones that are coming on and putting on a show. Yeah. So you just has to be hard. He just has to be hard and have a hand. We're not like, oh can I see under the ball.
Get in the asshole. Like, you know, can you change the lighting. Cause I like that angle of the dick. Right. He's literally the entire time he was laying on his back with his phone staring at you and then he's like, turn around like and you're watching his dick in his jacket.
And like just like this is the bottom of his belly button, the bottom and the dick. Then fuck you, you have it so easy. Meanwhile, I'm like prepping an hour before. So I'm like, OK, so listen how crazy this is.
But I don't give a fuck. I'm like, I want I was drinking some tequila and I was like, how do I spice this shit up? Because we've had face time sex for super good.
But I'm like, I want to get disgusting, like I want to get so nasty.
So I go into my little wardrobe room of all my lingerie and I pick out the most like disgusting, slutty fucking thing I can find. It's literally strings all over my body, like crossing over my nipples like it's a onesie that's just like string all over my body.
OK, I'm like phobic. Just thinking about putting this thing on was a journey. This is not one of those that I could have quickly run into the bathroom, put on mine and be like, hey baby, they know this is like I need to prep for two hours because the string goes through my asshole into my titty, like through the nipple. I was like, yo, the journey. So finally after like two fucking hours, I'm like, OK, we're in great.
I'm sure. I really. To go like I need a nap and then I'll call you. I need to lay down and then God forbid you have to pee or fuck this one. This is the best you can. And it is literally just choose to string and the pussy lips are out. Yeah, the pussy lips are fuzzy. You left are fine. So I put this on feeling amazing looking at myself then I've always told girls you need to get in the mood before face time sex.
I can be like, hi baby. Ready, let's go. One, two, three. Not a chance. So I start taking nudes because what I knew was he was about to have to go quarantine. He's in a different country for work. And I knew I was going to go quarantine. I was going to take all these pictures, OK, save them for a couple of weeks later. So I knew we were going to nasty face time text was going to be obsessed with this outfit.
So I banked those that I knew in like a couple of weeks I'll like randomly slide in with, like a full album of me taking nudes in this fucking outfit. And we'll bring him back to the amazing face time sex that I'm about to have.
First, I changed fucking mind. Fuck. So we have a whole night planned out.
So I take all these pictures, I start to get turned on naturally. When you're taking nudes, you're like, this is so hot. What I do prior to the face time, this is so extra.
I put my phone up against like a pillow and I'm like on my knees on my bed and I open my camera. So I'm watching myself like I'm about to have face time, sex. I put my computer next to my phone and I open porn and I full blown get all of my toys, OK? And there's like a lot of toys happening in the same time sex, OK? He is like, send me toys like we are in it to win it over here.
And I full blown watch porn and masturbate and watch myself fuck myself in my phone camera so I can know what angles are going to look so fucking hot.
I am like and I know it sounds out of control. Look at yourself, your face orgasmic and you're like, oh my God, you're doing like when he tells me turn around like I want to see your asshole and I want you to put that butt plug in your asshole. I'm kind of like, I wonder what this angel looks like. Listen to me, Daddy gang, I this is next level. This is next level. But this is the point.
Every single girl listening to this podcast, I think that I know I've said in the past, oh my God, have these same sex. It is a lot easier said than done. Face time. Sex can give girls anxiety if you're not fully comfortable with this man. And you have to know that you want to be so nasty and hot and saying all the things and getting the right angles. Do I go hand-held the whole time or do I put my phone down in, like literally let him watch my whole body?
If you feel confident and beforehand you do the whole thing on your own and you're watching yourself and you know how hot you look. Then when he calls and you're in the little fucking tiny bubble up in the corner, you can't really see what your pussy looks like. You can be like, no, I know. I look so good because I already tested the lighting. I know how hot I look. I know this angle. My asshole is fucking perfection.
And then you don't have to focus on what you look like. You can go into the face transacts and be so disgusting. And trust me when I say I was so disgusting when I was shoving something in my fucking asshole and I care in the world was like, how does it look? Because I already knew how it looked. Yeah.
And also with the right guy. My new man. Yes. So please. So I wanted to preface it just saying, like, I'm not as like out there with you.
I think in terms of like being like so down for face, I'm sad. Like I get like, dude, it's hot. I get nervous too. And I just feel like not like I'm confident in myself, but I just want to feel like I'm giving away my body to any dude on your face like me.
I'm like so like me. No I get it.
I try to like just think that I want him to earn that shit. But there's a point where you're just like this boy needs to see the inside of my vagina now. But I you know, I think you have to read your audience history and chemistry.
And this guy, the best part about this guy does is he said, I don't do face time sex. Oh. But we, like, wanted each other so bad.
And I would just like show my boob. And then but the thing is, I had roommates. I'm living in a house with roommates and some other things that made it hard to be private. So I had to be creative.
So what I like to do is he would like get hard, whatever, and then I would go in the bathroom and like, you know, you're just like you put it against the mirror because you look harder, because it's farther away. Yeah. But it gets so far away like I'm blurry. You little can't see you. And then when what I do is I put this is so no ratchet but I'd put the phone on the toilet like at the toilets closed and.
Yeah, don't, don't put it in the toilet and it's facing up. Yeah. And then I would just like put my ass over it so good. And then he'd be like please like move your underwear like please make like you want me to.
And he'd be like yeah.
And then I would like, I would like a little bit show him my Libyas and then and this is on face I wear these are pictures, FaceTime time, face time and then eventually like I take it off and then he's just like but something about standing over it, it's harder sometimes than like just widening your legs because you see like the butt like that is holding the. That is so fucking hot and guys, I hope you're understanding and following what she's saying, because that angle of your ass.
Yes, you look like Khloe Kardashian. You even if you have no ass, you have an ass website and it looks. So that's a good one. Also, if you take nudes in that position, not that you're sending nudes, but daddy, if you put your phone and you do self timer and you put it like angled up on the toilet and then you turn around and your ass is there, that angle when it's directing upwards, all of a sudden you're like, I got injections.
Welcome to my asshole. Welcome, mother fuckers. I've got a nice guy. And he's like, yo, that is juicy. I'm getting your fingers in places. So just funny. Or if it's genuine, we get cute and just slowly. And he's like, are you like trying to do that? Keita's like gorging yourself. You're like, Yeah, hold on quick while I just he's like, oh baby, harder. You're like deeper, deeper.
And you're like, oh, negative. Because he's like, oh, I love that. No, no, we, I want to know. So you're not having time sex but you're doing this. No. So he said in the beginning I don't do Facebook and then slow and then it was like he couldn't get enough because you're doing fucking quarantine. And then all of a sudden it's like I need to see pussy. Exactly. I need to see the lips.
Exactly. And I also I want to tell people like obviously I love talking.
We do it for a living, for people who are insecure about face time stuff. Yeah, I really think it's like it's like you're telling a story of like what you want, but the way to to fill in the words, it's like you're writing an essay and you have to hit a certain number of words. You just have to fill it in. Because if you're just like, I want your dick in me, it's like, you know, oh yes, fuck.
Yeah. I mean, give you some words. You have to be like pulsating cock.
I want to see the vein in your dick popping up because you're so fucking hard. And then you don't just say my pussy.
You say like my soaking wet dripping pussy. I mean, like you have to. And then you see, oh, like this is my voice, right? This is my voice.
My phone sex voice is like this and you're like cracking a little like your voice cracks. I'm just baby do you see that. Yeah.
And like you're not doing this like this, you know, this is like hello. Do you like this. Like OK. And then occasionally just like a yeah. Just like a breath that breath.
Everyone thinking about face time sex. If you think you have to talk the whole time you don't, you just have to slowly be like do you like that. And like you're putting your phone like down your body and all of sudden you take off your shirt and you're like, do you want to like do you want to see? And he's like, what? And then all of a sudden your fucking phone is underneath your pussy and you're like, baby, do you like that?
And then he's like, Yeah, spread your lips. And then all of sudden you're into it. You have to just take control and be like start by being like, do you like that? That is a tactic that I've learned in sales before. Oh, well, you have to ask questions. You don't just go in and say, right, this is what you want. Right. Right. Go well, do you like it like this?
When they say yes, then you go, but do you like this? They say yes. The next thing you know, you're building exactly what they think they want. It really is the beginning could be awkward. But once you're fucking into it in your fingers or in your pussy or you have a toy in there and he's watching you fuck yourself and you are like getting the perfect angle. And he's like basically watching POV porn. I don't see a man being like this face time sex.
Not for me, sorry, but it does take two to tango is like when you said awkward, like it takes two people going from Gigli to like seductive if one person is not and seductive and then it's being two comedians. Has it been hard to like, transition from joking 24/7 to then also be like, let's be serious and like sexual?
What's fun is like there are moments like he was eating me out once and something was said and he just started laughing into my pussy, like cracking up. And then he stopped and he's like, this is my dream. Just like laughing into a pussy is what I want to do for the rest of my life.
If a guy was laughing at my pussy, I would be like, I don't know what's happening. I don't even know what's happening. Why are you laughing at me like I'm laughing with your pussy? I'm like, I don't feel like I made on the joke. Were you like, what the fuck? Well, we like both are like a lot of stayed in my pussy during the last year. To be honest. I felt kind of good, like he kind of let the vibration go until I could breathe in and out.
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Hold on. OK, let's go through this. I love how we just quickly went to face time sex. You are dating this man. Yeah. You really like him. How long has it been that you're dating him. Great question. So the first two weeks we went on five dates and it was like the last date. It's so funny. It was like date four when he started talking about like deeper trauma like stuff that happened in the past.
I started opening up and then it was date five, that after those, like, tough conversations, we were like, oh, we're still here.
We didn't leave each other.
We actually feel strong, like, whoa, like because dating is just taking in information about someone until you realize that you learned something you didn't, when you're like, I hate you, you're like, listen, I have demons, but yours are like not matching up with my demons.
I hear demons. I want your demons to want to fuck the shit out of my my demons. You get so horny for your demons, then just have a fucking fuck. Yes, it's true. You have to have everyone has issues and sometimes you just have to see like oh my issues really fuck with your issues. And they like can work. Exactly. So yours are working. So it's, it is working. And so but then I left him and then you went into quarantine and went to quarantine with my friends for seven weeks, you know where she was.
So we survive it and then you survive quarantine and we see each other. Oh my God.
And then I'm going to say a week we're both out in the Hamptons. I live with my parents. He has his own place on the beach. And I was he was very subtle about it. But he was like, you can stay here like whenever. And I was like, OK, like like move in. And he's like, yeah, like if you want to. And then I thought about for three days and then I was just like, I'm going to bring my cat and he's like, you want to move in.
And I wanted him to be like romantic. Like the movies were like and here's the key to my heart come through. But that's not how it is, because he's trying to be cool, ocean, be cool. And then finally I was like, do you want me to fucking move in or not? Because I want to fuck this up right now. And I understand what you're right. Feeling like we haven't been playing games. Let's not play, you know?
And he's like, obviously, I want you to. And I'm like, it's not obvious. I've known you for three weeks and you're like moving in is like it's a big deal, but it feels right. We both have police in the city. But my thing is, Alex, this is my new quarantine dating style. The world is burning. So if you were into a guy, you need to it's like how to lose a guy in ten days.
Just do there's no rules. Do it. Go to fucking the DMV with him. Check out right then and there. If you two can survive, move in with him. Put together an IKEA couch and see if you get into any fights, if anyone gets stabbed with nails and you put a couch together. OK, so we put it back together.
I'm like, is this like are we talking like theoretically or like, did this really happen? So I go into his house and Alex, I am the least domesticated bitch, OK? I am like, who? I'm just trying to find men who will take care of me and like I'll make the money but like do the laundry, whatever.
So I walk in and I'm like, this place needs candles. And he was like, oh, my friends told me about this. This is called your nesting. And I go, I'm not nesting. It smells bad. You're like, I will never buy something for this apartment. I literally could give two shits, but it reeks of me.
Next thing over in HomeGoods literally for days, it's like me moving in with him. You're shopping in your car, babe. Babe, do you like the wood or do you like the metallic. No. Pay whatever you want, babe. Then we go to see the candles and I'm like, do we want fruit or like vanilla warm vanilla. Sure. Why I bring home good enough.
I don't know who I am Alex, but it's like this the first guy I've ever met who I think is marriage material. And you want to go to HomeGoods with him. That's the thing. You're not like I'm grossed out. You're like, I want to go again. I want to go out Friday night. That line's really long ago. The line is the journey. The line is the best or worst. They won't be back for the members is when you pick all these things that you don't need.
And at the end you joke about it and you're like, why do we get that, babe? We didn't need those chocolate pretzels. It's literally memories. But Alex, if we weren't meant to be together and we were in that HomeGoods, we would have found out real quick. So instead of being like, oh, I'm not ready to move in because it might it might not work out. It's like, yeah, let's find out if it doesn't work out right now, right now.
So I don't waste any more time right now. Then all of sudden you leave HomeGoods and all of a sudden it was amazing. And then you go put the couch together and it was amazing. And all of a sudden you're sitting here, you're like, so it's amazing. And then right before I got he drove me here right before I left. These people are talking on the radio. And they were just like, yeah, of course, everything's good in the beginning, of course, that the honeymoon's shut up.
No, but I don't agree with that because this is what I've been thinking because of quarantine and because it's expediting relationships. You're really having to like like you said, we're having brain conversations. You still love my fucking brain. Hang out like you're not fucking my pussy as much as you're having face time. Yeah, it's not the same. So if you can get past this time, imagine once we can be like, let's go to a bar, let's go to a dinner.
Let's go like life. He's going to get, I at least believe, better with them once, like the world, we're going through the hardest fucking thing right now in our lives. And he's going, like, deeper than my best friend. We're like, you know, your best friend, you you don't need to bother her with some shit. Like, you don't need to be like I don't like how you said that. You're like, that's just Molly.
Yeah, but like, you love Molly. That's who she is where now you're with a guy who, like, you can tell whenever you don't like when he does something, when and he will listen because he cares. And when he says something to you, you're like, I'm growing. And it's like I've never done this with the person. I've always just been like either like make them like me or like I don't know why they're obsessed with me.
So I'm at this thing.
We're like, we're we're no, I'm listening to you. It's so weird. I think Daddy dating, having a pausing moment of like really looking at what you're saying. I feel like we're mirroring each other right now because all of a sudden you're in a situation where you care enough to actually voice your opinion about, like, if something's bothering you because it's not like something is going to bother you and then you're like, it doesn't matter now. It does.
But you also feel comfortable enough to tell him. Yeah. And, you know, he's going to receive the information and want to change because he also likes you so much. And so it's really like it is healthy. It's insane. I dated a guy once, I walked in and there was like a hole in the wall because white guys love punching walls for like one. And I was like, why do you punch that wall? And he was like, oh, my ex-girlfriend.
Like, didn't let me go to like some basketball game. And like, immediately in my head I was like, note to self. Don't tell him you can't do anything. You know, the whole relationship. I just was like, sat there and you're like, no. And meanwhile, if that if your new boyfriend said that, you would have been like, well, can we talk about that? Like, what do you mean? And then you would have learned everything about that situation with him.
So then you felt fully comfortable about it 100 percent. You're for the first time in your life.
It sounds like you're like I'm not actually trying to, like, say the right things or you're being fully yourself. Yeah, and that's the best.
And it stems from I think we were both athletes and. Yeah. And as athletes, you get better attention and you get more love when you perform well. Yeah. So with men I would always be like, OK, if I perform well I will get the W and like now that we're not playing games, it's like we so I don't have to perform. And then you're just left with what it is. And I know that's like kind of the best way to explain our mentality has I got off on being like, oh, I can play this man and he'll be obsessed and he'll fall in love and I'll sit here and feel literally nothing.
And I just wasted my time. But at least I got him to fall in love with me. But like, what did I get out of it now?
And I put it on a podcast, but that's that's when I said, there you go.
But now we're at the point where it's like, wait, I genuinely like feeling also fulfilled. And I feel like it's fun to have someone that like you can just not have to try so hard for. It really is amazing to be like I'm fully myself around someone. So so we're both feeling like we're being healthy. Also. Did you take the picture off of Instagram? Oh, so I thought you guys broke up. I'm like, bitch, I posted it.
And then you guys, this is a weird thing about dating when you're like in entertainment. They were like for some reason there were rules that a higher power told me I had to take it down.
Why? Because, like, it's kind of part of like it's past summer, your summer. Wink, wink, wink. I know call color Daddy because I can't be managing your. OK, wait.
So is there anything sexually that you feel like you're like doing that's new in this relationship that you're excited about? Like, is he doing specific things in the bedroom? She's smiling literally. Like I can literally see the roof of her mouth. She's so happy right now.
Like, literally looks like she just I laughing because like me and you were both so open but like a little bit different. Yeah. Because what you're like we have sex, I'm like you on training wheels.
So like my thing with coming is I, I can orgasm literally very easily with fingering like fingering 20 20.
Fingering is incredible. More people have to do it more, more love more fingers. I don't just have a vaginal orgasm from sex. No, they're only 20 percent of women do. Yeah. And like you feel you and everyone's like, oh, we came at the same time. You did it, did you? Was he touching your clit now. OK, then you didn't have it then you fucking did it feel good. Yeah. That's not coming.
You'll know when you come. Think you did your eyes roll back and back your head. No, no. Yeah. You faked it you stupid bitch own it because you're a fake husband. Honestly love it. Like keep faking it. So he'll like end quicker but like totally understand that like that was fake because don't, don't let it get twisted. I think some girls start to literally think they came in a girls. Oh here we come. At the same time I'm like, no you didn't.
Even if I could come back up to get it at the exact same moment that he does, did you.
I don't I don't think so. Prove it, bitch. Squirt.
Oh, you didn't even come. Shut up. So, so, so.
But I can orgasm, like, vaginally and clearly at the same time, right. That's right. So like, if you if I have something in my vagina. Yes. And I like fingers and I like orgasm with my clit there's like an extra good feeling. Yes. However, I've realized so I'm trying to like put his penis in me while I touch myself. Amazing.
However, I've realized that the only way that I can orgasm right now is when my legs are straight.
Why do we we why, like so funny, the only way I can come is when I'm, like, lying down with my legs straight.
So like when like when you know, when you come in, like your legs, like your legs are good. And I oh so like I have trouble coming when my legs are bent. So he's like puts his dick on me on top of me, my legs are bent and he's like can you come. And I'm like no, my legs have to be straight like this in the least sexual like I know this isn't sexy but although my legs are straight like white and then is like trying to get my legs straight and like put his dick in, it is we try.
It was so like we have the most passionate, sexy emotion. He's like, I want you to come off. I kind of like straight. And then he's like, I feel like this is a mental thing with you. And I'm like, I feel like you should you should just get my leg straight. I feel like if you knew how to keep my leg. So then he was like he was like, let's try like a toy. And I was like, OK.
And then I just get a dildo and I go, can you just put that in me right now? Because that's not you just hold.
He's like, here you go. Like, I'm not a punter just holding a ball. Like, I want to be in the game. I want to be in the game. And I was like, just put that in me and do it and I'll just hold it. He's like, so they won't say just cuz he's like, please. And then he was like, let's do sex. And he took out one of those little things. But like you can see I try to have sex and like he's a sex toy to orgasm.
But like I was having trouble because my legs weren't straight.
So then he was just like. Put in my body. Now we put the sex toy in his box. Yes, so we love this this we love him. First of all, I was like just talking shit and I was like, ass eating is like some millennial millennials, like, invented us eating those bitch. I was eating us before you were born. And I was like, part of me is jealous and part of me is turned on right now.
And you're like, I kind of love that statement. He is the most masculine, like eating dude. Have you eat his heart my ass?
This morning I got breakfast, right. Oh, my God, we make it in by making it, but then we begin to buy by barstool. Let's go buddy glazed bacon so well first up and it's like I'll be on top of him, right. And then, like, you reach back to touch his balls. Right. And then he was like, put a finger in. But like my new thing for Cornton is growing out my nails. Oh, it's like my journey.
And I just kind of flown the pretty long. But you've been putting it in. So I was like, am I going to cut you off my now? And he's like, no, you'll be fine. And then I just shove it in like a 13 year old guy trying to finger a girl and he goes, Bluebonnet, fuck you. You're like, here we go. Here we go. And he's like, Oh. And I was like, I thought, the nail is fine.
He goes, put some saliva on it or something. And I go, I don't know. I'm like, I literally, like, left it. You're literally like a high school. That's like I guess I'm going to put my dick in my girlfriend's for the first time. Any shoves it. But even like a guy trying to finger for the first time, you know, he's just like that's what he did. And he was like, oh, and I'm like, I'm so embarrassed.
Like I was trying to be hot, but it just you. No, dude, the asshole for a man is so delicate. Yes. Lub like the asshole because the asshole doesn't lubricate itself. You need, you need a little bit of like you need that massaging and like I was so I fucked it up. But then we take this toy and I like lubed it up and I put it in and the toy was, it was literally just this like little it looks like a little, the pen is like half a pen.
OK, got it. So he put that in his bootie and then was fucking me doggy. And then he had the most unbelievable orgasm to the point that he was like the fact that other men aren't doing this, like because it's a prostate thing and he's like, my orgasm hits one level and then goes like four times that amount. And I'm sitting here being like, I need to go and call her daddy to tell all the guys, because this dude, it was not could have been hotter him orgasming wall and just felt so much better.
And I know why the fuck do if you like something in your ass, it does not make you any type of sexuality. It doesn't make you gay, it doesn't make you straight. It means that it feels good to put it in your fucking. And also I'm pretty sure it feels good for every guy, every guy like I know with gay guys, like some people prefer top or bottom right thing. But that's more emotional, I think. Put a fucking plug in and shut the fuck up.
Shut the if you are a man, you can put something in your ass if you can't put your lyric a little bit. And also, I haven't put something on my ass because I'm a little bitch, you know. However, I love the licking. It feels it feels better than like sometimes a guy going down on you.
What position where are you when he's eating your ass?
I just, like, woke up and he was like kissing my butt. I woke up and then I just I don't know. I just on my stomach and, like, my legs don't have to be straight. Oh, no.
Again, while you're on your stomach, just. Yeah. And he was just licking is putting his face in your ass. Yeah. That is so attractive when a guy is like, I want all of you, please give me your asshole. Yeah. Like Oh yeah.
And then it's just becomes like more options and more fun for all of us. That is so unbelievable. And it just made me think of this really random fact that made me so I wasn't uncomfortable, but I was really fucked up having face time sex in the night. And the guy that I'm talking to, that's the sexual one. I was showing him my pussy and he's like, now let me see your ass. Listen to how uncomfortable this was.
And please tell me if you would fucking do this, because I ended up doing it. I was like, oh, my God. Like, what if I like shit right now? He goes, put the camera up to your asshole and I want to see you, like, push out.
Oh, and I'm like, OK. And so he's like, push out. And I'm like literally push. He wants it to be open and then he's like, OK, now let's keep doing it. So I'm like pushing my asshole in and out. I'm like, how's it going down there?
Like I just feel like I'm like, no daddy gang.
Hello, are you there. This is literally becoming so classic of Hannah and I because we did this the first time we ever recorded and now it happened again. Hannah and I ended up talking for and this is not an exaggeration, two straight hours, OK, that's two full episodes. We did not stop talking. So there is going to be a part two next week. So we're going to be talking about meeting the parents because I did meet, in fact, the parents.
And also we're going be talking about fighting tactics of like learning basically like, oh, this guy fights so differently than my fucking ex. And then also we are going to be talking about, like, the dilemma of when do you pay? Do you not pay? What the fuck is their net worth if you can't Google it? I also start talking so casually about threesomes and foursomes, because the guy that I'm seeing, we've been talking about it.
So there's a lot of drama, a lot of fun stuff happening next week. So obviously, stay tuned. If you loved Hannah, we love her. I hope you guys enjoyed that episode. I will keep you updated if anything you know happens with the wedding. If I decide last minute to. Go through, maybe I'll bring Lauren. Also, there's a huge fucking update, which is that there is a ginormous, ginormous Mirch drop that just happened today for call her daddy.
You guys have probably seen me on my Instagram wearing these sweatpants and this crewneck that's like a matching little sweat suit. And we finally dropped it today. There are purple, blue, pink and gray sets there. Honestly, the cutest. I've been working on them for a while. So if you guys want, go hop some of those on the barstool store. And then also we have unwell phone cases which are fucking fire. I have it on my phone right now and then a bunch of other hoodies, etc.
So go over to barstool sports, dotcom, go to the store and then you guys can shop all the new caller demerge. I hope you guys love it as much as I do. I am living in all of it right now and I'm I'm a walking ad for my own fucking show. It's really cute. Go follow me on Instagram. It's Alexandra Cooper. Go follow Hannah on Instagram. It's being Bern's B, E, R and Z. I love you, Daddy gang.
You know the fucking drill. I will see you fuckers.
Next one just.