The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Take good care and we'll see you there. Hello. This is Leverne Cox. I'm an actress, producer, and host of the Leverne Cox Show. Do you like your tea with Lemon or Honey? History-making Broadway performer Alex Newell. When I sing the Holy Ghost Shows Up, that's my ministry, and I know that well about me. That's the tea, honey. Whoever it is, you can bet we get into it. My guest and I, we go there every single time. I can't help it. Listen to the Leverne Cox Show on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Does your brain keep you up at bedtime? I'm Katherine Nikolai, and my podcast, Nothing Much Happens Bedtime Stories to Help You Sleep, has helped millions of people to get consistent deep sleep.

My stories are family friendly. They celebrate everyday pleasures and train you over time to fall asleep faster with less waking in the night. Start sleeping better tonight. Listen to Nothing Much Happens Bedtime Stories to Help You Sleep with Katherine Nikolai on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, wherever you get your podcast.

We make up, then we break up. We make up, then we break up. We make up, then we break up. You're always thinking about breaking up. You're always thinking about how to break up, but you don't know how. I think a lot of us are scared to break up because of what it means. It means loneliness. It means weekends and evenings alone. It means having that uncomfortable, awkward conversation that we don't want to have. The number one health and wellness podcast.

Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty.

The one, the only, Jay Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn, and grow. Thank you to everyone who's subscribed. Thanks to everyone who's left a review. It's incredible to have our community continue to grow. If you haven't already, make sure you've downloaded all the latest episode because I don't want you to miss out on any of our amazing conversations or solos. We've had some phenomenal guests lately, so So many more coming up. Make sure you don't miss out. Now, today's episode is all about the ways to know if it's time to end your relationship. Now, sometimes it's not as clear. Sometimes it's not that bad. Sometimes it's not the end of the world yet. And often, we'll find that people in our life, and maybe even you, have had moments where you end a relationship and then you realize it ended 12 months ago. It ended 24 months ago. How many times have you left a job, left a relationship, maybe even a friendship? And then when you reflected on it, you realized, wait a minute, that was over such a long time ago, and I've just wasted time.

This is to help you get that Head Start. It's to help you save time. This episode is dedicated to anyone who's been going back and forth in their mind thinking, I deserve better. Am I settling? Is this the right person for me? How do I know? Now, I want to start by saying one thing. I think today, because we live in a world of what seems like infinite choice and what seems like available love, I think we actually make bad decisions. The studies have always shown that the more choice we have, the less good our decisions are as humans. We struggle to pick cereal in the cereal hour. We struggle to pick the right pickle or whatever else it may be because we're exposed to so many choices. And now that the dating world has caught up with the consumer world, that's the same experience we have. We all believe there's plenty more fish in the sea. We believe that there's someone else who tick nine out of 10 boxes if someone that we currently are with is seven out of 10. And so a lot of We just don't think about building, growing relationships. We think about finding and discovering.

And that language in and of itself is such a big challenge, right? When you're thinking, I'm going to find my person. I'm just going to find them. They're going to be ready-made. They're going to be as they are rather than the truth that we're probably going to have to build with someone or grow with someone. See, the truth is, relationships get harder, not easier. People put in less effort, not more. People get lazier, not smarter. And people change. They rarely stay the same. So knowing that this is the reality of relationships, when we want to be in a long term, committed, loyal relationship, what we're saying is, I'm willing to build, I'm willing to grow, and I'm willing to learn. That's actually what we're signing up for. And I think the reason why so many of us want to move is because we feel we're not building anymore, we're not growing anymore, we're not learning anymore. We never did. And so today, I want to answer that question. Is it really time to leave? Do you have real reason to leave and move on? Or is it really just a part of us that doesn't want to put in the effort?

We just want to enjoy the six months honeymoon period. We just want to enjoy the good times, but we're not really ready for a long term committed, loyal relationship. Now, I was looking at a study, and researchers asked people, considering whether to end their relationship, what factors someone in their shoes might weigh when making the decision. Respondents came up with a number of reasons which researchers classified into 50 common themes. But here are the top 10 pros and cons people suggested. So these were the top 10 reasons people said that they would stay in a relationship. Number one, emotional intimacy. If you felt emotional intimacy, then that was a good reason to stay. Now, let's talk about what emotional intimacy is. Emotional intimacy, I also describe often as emotional availability. When you want to share your feelings, when you want to share your thoughts, is the other person available? Are they They're able to listen, recognize, understand, and comprehend what you're feeling. Intimacy, emotionally, is a sense of closeness. You feel like the other person gets you an understanding understands you. Now, of course, not all the time, and not when they're under stress, and not when there's lots of other stuff going on.

But overall, you feel that they get you. They understand you. They're willing to go there with you emotionally. The second reason to stay was emotional investment. Notice how the word emotional has already come up twice out of two in a list of 10. Are you feeling emotionally invested in this relationship? Do you feel like the person cares about how you feel? This is one of the most important questions. Does this person care about how you you feel, right? Do they care that you feel good or feel bad? Do they care that you're struggling or you're doing well? And a lot of the times, we don't ask this question, do we care? Are we always the one trying to get this person to change and be different, or do we have the capacity also to emotionally invest in them? The third reason people said to stay was family duty. Now, this one's a tough one because everyone has different values around this. I recently We had a great conversation with Dr. Daniel Amen around how to raise children and the scientific reasons as to whether people should stay together or move apart. And what was very, very clear was all about the quality of the relationship.

I think one thing we don't recognize is, I often say to people that life is shorter than you think, but longer than you think as well. It's shorter in the sense that we to make the most of our time, but it's longer when you don't make the most of your time, and now you're in a bad position for 10, 20, 30 years. So family duty is a double-edged sword. Number four, reasons to say. Partner's personality. Do you actually like them? Or are you always trying to mold them? Are you always trying to shift them? Are you always wanting them to be better? What is your partner's personality like? Are you always thinking, Oh, gosh, I wish they didn't say that in that public setting. Are you always feeling awkward or uncomfortable around them in their behavior towards you and others? Or is that something you always knew and it was quirky and something you liked about them? Number five is enjoyment. Notice how as relationships grow, enjoyment has gone down. Having a good time would have been top of the pile back in the day, but now it's halfway through. Now, a lot of people think that's because the spark's gone.

A lot of people think that's because it's not fun anymore. The truth is that long term relationships give us very different things from short term relationships. Long term relationships give us that emotional intimacy, that emotional investment And what number six is emotional security. That becomes far more meaningful and valuable to us as individuals as relationships grow. Now, I'm not saying that you can't still have enjoyment or have fun. Of course you can. But what I'm saying is that different things become more important as time goes on. When you're emotionally secure, you feel that the other person won't use your emotional expression against you. That's what emotional security means. You feel that the secrets you've shared, the flaws you've shown, the issues, concerns that you've raised will not be used against you. If If you feel that they're going to be used against you, that means you feel emotionally insecure. You don't trust that someone actually values what you're experiencing and going through. Now, I want to draw a line here because I think for a lot of us, a lot of us can feel that, but then our partners may actually say something like, But I don't know where you got that from.

I'm not sure. I feel like I'm showing you that we're emotionally secure. We have to really differentiate differentiate between whether what we're feeling is based on a past insecurity or whether it's based on a present insecurity. Listen to this carefully. Is your emotional insecurity based on past experiences or is it based on this individual? The way to understand this is to ask yourself the question, has this person done things independent of what I've been through in the past that that have made me feel emotionally insecure? Or actually, do I have an insecurity that I have been carrying from relationship to relationship to relationship that continues to have a stronghold in my life? Number seven is physical intimacy, feeling like there still is a space to explore that, to express that. There's an excitement from both sides. Number eight, reason to stay was financial benefit. Benefits. This is something that's unspoken about, but marriage and relationships were built on the idea that it would be easier to rent a bigger space together. It would be easier to split the costs of the grocery bill. There were financial needs that needed to be met. Number nine is compatibility, and number 10 is concern for partner.

Do you feel a sense of concern? Now, that one, again, can be a double-edged sword because I know a lot of people that I've spoken to who felt that they were staying in the relationship because it positively benefited their partner, even if it negatively affected them. So you think, if I leave this relationship, That person is going to fall apart. But you're falling apart in the relationship, trying to keep them together. Think about that for a second. So often, you stay in a relationship because you don't want someone else to fall apart, not realizing that you're falling apart while you're trying to keep them together. If you fall apart while you're trying to keep someone else together, then it's a losing battle. And so sometimes your concern for your partner can be false compassion. False compassion is this belief that we can solve, fix, figure out someone else's problems, and that if we're in their life, then they'll be okay, even if that means we're not okay. I know people right now who are going through breakups and divorces who have tried to do that for 10 years. And the sad and most horrific part of it is that the people who been negatively affected at then.

The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is an NAACP and Webby award-winning podcast dedicated to all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. Here, we have the conversations that help Black women decipher how their past inform who they are today and use that information to decide who they want to be moving forward. We chat about things like how to establish routines that center self-care, what burnout looks and feels like, and defining what aspects of our lives are making us happy and what parts are holding us back. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Take good care, and we'll see you there. Do you lay awake scrolling at bedtime, or wake in the middle of the night and struggle to fall back to sleep? Start sleeping better tonight. I'm I'm Katherine Nikolai, and my podcast, Nothing Much Happens Bedtime Stories to Help You Sleep, has helped millions of people to get consistent deep sleep.

I tell family-friendly bedtime stories that train you to drift off and return to sleep quickly. I use a few sleep-inducing techniques along the way that have many users asleep within the first three minutes. I hear from listeners every day who have suffered for years with insomnia, anxiety at night time, and just plain old busy brain who are now getting a full night's sleep every night. I call on my 20 years of experience as a yoga and meditation teacher to create a soft landing place where you can feel safe and relaxed and get excellent sleep. Listen to Nothing Much Happens: Bedtime Stories to Help You Sleep with Katherine Nikolai on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

I'm Jay Shetty, and on my podcast, On Purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah.

Everything that has happened to you can also be a strength builder for you if you allow it.

Kobe Bryant. The results don't really matter. It's the figuring out that matters. Kevin Hart. It's not about us as a generation at this point. It's about us trying our best to create change. Lewis Hamilton. That's for me been taking that moment for yourself each day, being kind to yourself, because I think for a long time, I wasn't kind to myself. And many, many more. If you're You're attached to knowing, you don't have a capacity to learn. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in ours. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Join the journey soon. Now, in this same study, the top 10 reasons to leave. Listen to this. This is what people, considering whether to end their relationship. These were the top 10 reasons they gave to leave. I'm hoping that as you're hearing this, you're not on your own. I'm hoping that as you're listening, you're thinking, Gosh, that is why I'm staying, and that's a good reason, or that is why I'm staying, and I'm not sure that that may be not the best reason to stay.

Because the truth is, it's a subjective choice. It's not about whether I think it's good for you to leave or move on. It's important for you to weigh up what's valuable to you. Some of you may be to live a life of complete sacrifice and feel that that's your value, and that's okay. And some of you will think, I don't want to sacrifice any more time on this. I need to move. So reasons to leave, top 10. The first one was partner's personality. If you didn't like your partner's personality, it was time to leave. It was time to move on because that's a personality that you'll be living with for a long time. Number two, pretty obvious one, breach of a trust felt like a good enough reason to leave. I think with this one, what's important is recognizing whether you're willing to live with the consequences of the breach of trust or whether you can't, whether you're willing to forgive and move on and not keep making it an important factor, or whether you're saying to yourself, No, this was make or break for me. Third, a reason to leave was partner withdrawal. This one's A hard one, again, to gage, but an important one to note.

Sometimes we see our partner's disinterest and apathy as withdrawal. And the truth is everyone is going in that direction. The more time you spend with someone, it's likely that there is an apathy, there's a neutrality that develops over time. And really what it is, is comfort. We get comfortable with someone, and therefore we get apathetic, we neutral, we become disinterested. What should we have for dinner? Oh, whatever you want. Oh, should we fix the shed or the garage? Oh, yeah, whatever you want. There's a like, Oh, I don't care about that. And because someone doesn't care about something, that doesn't mean they don't care about us. But what we've started to say is that I care about this. I care about redecorating the house. I care about fixing this part of the home, whatever it may be. And if you don't care about it, then you don't care about me. What we've done is we've outsourced how we see caring for us. And the problem with that is someone could very well say to you, No, I do care about you. I just don't care about that. And I think it's really important that we reintegrate ourselves into our definition of care.

How does someone behave with us? How does someone care about us as opposed to the things that we care about as a priority of how they show care for us? Is there another way they can show Is there another way they do show care? Number four was an external reason. Number five was physical distance, ready reasons to leave. Number six was conflict. I think if you're fighting again and again and again, If it's always back and forth, that's the reason to leave. I think a lot of people also go through this period of we make up, then we break up, we make up, then we break up, we make up, then we break up. You're always thinking about breaking up. You're always thinking about how to break up, but you don't know how. That's a good reason to leave. I think a lot of us are scared to break up because of what it means. It means loneliness. It means weekends and evenings alone. It means having that uncomfortable, awkward conversation that we don't want to have. All of these conflicts and the conflict we're feeling in our mind can be a good reason to leave.

Number eight was emotional distance. Number nine was lack of validation. Validation. This one's a big one. I think a lot of people, the more and more people I meet, I've realized most people don't get validated at work or at home. And all of us want validation, but we're scared to ask for it. It's a really interesting paradox, right? We all want to get validated. We're a bit nervous to ask for it because it makes us look weak, and no one ever gets validated. So what I want you to do with the validation point is I want you to take an opportunity to validate your partner, to validate that person for something genuine. I think sometimes we also validate on superficial flattery, and that never lands with that person. We validate on something really arbitrary and random, and it just doesn't land with that person. I want you to validate them for something really meaningful, something that was important to them. And I want you to see if you can start building that validation culture in inside your relationship. I think it's really important to build a validation culture and system in your relationship, but you often have to lead it, and it has to be around something genuine and sincere.

Number 10 reason to leave was lack of financial benefits. Now, I want to break down for you a couple of ways to know whether it's time to leave or whether there's still room to work on something. I remember learning during my time as a monk about the three cancers of the mind, and we were taught that they were complaining, comparing, and criticizing. And I found that these three are very true in a relationship. We feel like leaving a relationship when there's a lot of complaining, comparing, and criticizing. Complaining is like, you never do this. You always do that. You're never around. You're always late. And often we complain to people who are not even our partners. You've got friends over over for dinner, and they say, Oh, yeah, what time does Jeff usually get home? Oh, we don't talk about that in this house. We don't talk about that in this house. It's complaining. It's almost passive-aggressive. And what that does is it chips away. Complaining chips away. Venting to each other is fine. And the question I want to ask you is, can you grow from complaining to communicating? So instead of using passive-aggressive statements to tell your partner how you feel, Could you take a moment and say, I feel that when you come home late, it makes me feel this way.

But I wanted to understand why you choose to come home late, or what's your reasoning for coming home late? What's your reasoning for working hard? Recognizing that maybe that's their identity. Maybe that's conditioning they have. Often when we feel we're healed, we think we can see other people's conditioning, but we can't see the way we feel is our conditioning. So I often ask couples, can you move from complaining to communicating? If we continue to complain, we just keep pushing each other further and further away. When you see the dishes aren't done, you don't say to them, Hey, can you get the dishes done today? Because you've said that too many times. It now becomes you wait a week and then you go, Well, the dishes are always left there. It's complaining. How do we communicate? How do we set systems? Because Sometimes we've over communicated, but we haven't created systems of how things run in the household. We haven't created commitments to overcome complaining. Another big one for when it's time to move on is comparing. I think a lot of people live through this, but it's really hard to stomach. Oh, did you know so and so drops his kids to school every morning?

Oh, did you know? Oh, have you seen what she's been doing, building her business? Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God. Have you seen what he's done? Oh, look at him. He was on the front cover of that magazine or whatever it is, right? Oh, did you see what she's been up to? Oh, my gosh. Yeah, she just got a promotion. Comparing. Comparing is so painful and create so much emotional distance. Because here's what you've done with comparing. When you compare your partner to someone else, you've not only made them emotionally distant from you, you've made them feel emotionally distant from the person you compared them with. They now start to dislike that person. So you've now created an emotional distance from them there. And of course, when you're comparing them, they're now feeling distant from you. And the question is, can you collaborate? Is there still room to collaborate? Can you say to your partner, Hey, you know what? I know that this is your goal. Can I help you with it? Hey, this is something I'm struggling with. Can you help me with it? Hey, can we collaborate? Because when we're comparing, what we're saying is someone else is collaborating better.

Can we use language that motivates, inspires, and encourages our partners rather than degrades, makes them feel down trodden, makes them feel disrespected. So much of our language with our partners is demanding, degrading, and disrespectful. How is someone going to change if you're being demanding, disrespectful, or degrading. I don't understand which human psychology that works in. So instead of comparing, comparing is the lowest form of disrespect. It makes someone else feel small, makes someone else feel big, which makes them feel you like that person. Whether you like them sexually or intimately, it makes them feel like you find someone else attractive. Comparing, if it's ongoing, repetitive, and especially if it gets very disrespectful, is a reason for people to leave. Now, criticizing. Criticizing is something that has many different levels. There's banter, and then there's real criticism. And there's criticism that you believe. And I I encourage you all to ask, is there room to celebrate your partner? Is there something worth celebrating in them? Now, I'm not saying any of this is to make you overcome or ignore toxic behavior by a partner. If you're experiencing a toxic behavior pattern, if you're experiencing experiencing a repetitive pattern, this isn't about you thinking you can solve it or making better.

It's asking you the question, is there room for celebration, or has the criticism gone too far? It's time to leave when you don't respect their values and they don't respect yours. What that means is if you want them to change, if you're thinking, if they change, I can stay with them. If you're thinking, If they don't change, then I can't be with them, then it's time to leave, because chances are they are that person. Now, of Of course, they change. People grow and change all the time. But if you're asking for a big change, like they're not ambitious, you want them to be driven. They're super organized and career-driven, and you want them to be laid back. Often, we want our partners to be the exact opposites of who they are. If you want your partner to be the exact opposite of who they are, ask yourself, could you be the exact opposite of who you are? Could you change 180? Your behaviors, your patterns, your actions, your values, your goals, could you change them? If you're career-driven, could you completely let go of them? If you're laid back, could you get really focused and driven.

We want to be with people that respect our values, and we need to be people who respect their values. Now, I want to give you one last tool that I think will be really helpful. Often in our relationships, what we do is we like to keep score. I clean the dishes last three nights in a row. I took the trash out every time for the last month. I dropped the kids to school every single day. We keep this score. And the interesting thing is, our score is based on our scorecard. So if your scorecard is money, I pay all the bills, then that's the scorecard you use. Now, if your partner's scorecard is family, which I consider to be more emotional, then they're measuring it on that scorecard. And if you've really got to a point, I don't like keeping score, but sometimes this activity has been really helpful for people I've tested it with, Expand your scorecard. The scorecard is now not only financial, it's physical, mental, financial, emotional, spiritual. Ask yourself in your relationship, relationship, who is leading the way in different parts of the relationship? Physically, who takes care of the home?

Physically, who takes care of the groceries? Physically, who takes care of the kids and the family? Physically, who is doing that physical work? Give them one point. Now, mental. Who is mentally supporting the relationship? Who helps you push through tough times? Who stays in a positive attitude? Who's the person who stays resilient? Now, financial. Who's taking care of the bills? Now, emotional. Who's always emotionally available? Who's always there? Who always picks up the phone? Who always checks in? And spiritual. Who's guiding you spiritually, who's helping you with your faith, who's helping you with the practices and habits that make you feel better. Now, if you're looking at all five of these scorecards and you're doing four out of the five, fair enough. Chances are you'll find most relationships are more equally divided. And maybe there's a three over two, but what we don't recognize is it's hard to weigh these equally. But I can honestly say that my wife emotionally manages the relationship. She's always helping us be in the right mood. She's always creating fun energy. She's always creating this beautiful space for us to live in. Physically, she creates an amazing space. It's so easy to forget these things because we're looking down a very limited lens.

I really hope that this episode helps you first not feel alone. Second, reflect on what you can do to not have to end this relationship. And thirdly, if you do decide to end it, gives you good reasoning, makes you feel certain and confident in your decision. Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose. Make sure you go listen to another episode with a guest or a solo right now. Make sure you've subscribed. Make sure you've downloaded all the latest episodes. And remember this, I'm forever in your corner, and I'm always shooting for you. Thank you for listening. If you love this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussy on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships. People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life. I'm Jay Shetty, and on my podcast, On Purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Lewis Hamilton, and many, many more.

On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in ours. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Join the journey soon.

Hey, it's Stephie Brown, host of the Deeply Well podcast, where we hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your well-being journey. Deeply Well is your soft place to land. To work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply Well with Debbie Brown is available now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen a podcast. Namaste. On his new podcast, 6 Degrees with Kevin Bacon, join Kevin for inspiring conversations with his friends and fellow celebrities who are working to make a difference in the world, like actor Mark Ruffalo.

I found myself moving upstate in the middle of this raise kids there, and my neighbor is willing to poison my water.

Listen to 6 Degrees with Kevin Bacon on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.