You're listening to sex with Emily, I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

So today I'm joined by host of the podcast, Too Tired to Be Crazy Baila Bensen about finding a partner who's actually right for you while it's been on a journey to find love and figured out she was going to find someone good until she truly learned to love herself and stick around, because I also take your calls answering as many as I have time to get to on the show, because you are a mirror of who you date. I'm exclusively dating my vibrator and then leave all the insecurities outside the bedroom.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed five, six eyes that our secret bedroom eyes.

They call them in the Bible, right for each show. I want to start off by setting an intention for the show, and I encourage you all to do the same. So what do I mean by this? Well, when you're listening, think about what you want to get listening to this episode, how you think it could help you? Well, I keep dating people who I don't think are good for me, and I want to choose better partners in the future.

My intention for the show is to reframe the conversation around self-love and body acceptance and how these positive practices can not only help you and your life, but guide you toward healthier relationship choices. You know, I love reading and answering your questions, and if you'd like to answer one, you can message me on Instagram, which is sex with Emily. Email me feedback and sex with Emily Dotcom. As always, include your name, your age and how you listen to the show.

Or just call in to my Sirius XM show. It's Monday through Friday, five to seven p.m. Pacific. You can call it triple eight. Ninety four stars or triple eight nine four seven eight two seven seven. If you don't have serious, no problem if you want to try it out. Sex with Emily Dotcom s ex. All right. Enjoy the show. So it's funny because I got an email this morning that kind of said, this is what I want to talk about, five, 30, 53 in Louisiana, Dave said, I was wondering if real true relationships are still found in this day and age.

I'm a 53 year old male, married twice first and a divorce the second. She died of cancer a week after my daughter was killed. I've had a relationship since, but the only thing is I can't find a woman that wants my love. I'm old fashioned. I still open doors for ladies. I even walk old ladies across the street. I've been told I love too much. I put too much in a relationship. I don't understand this.

Isn't that the way you're supposed to be, not in a controlling way or suffocate them, but be there for them, support them, respect them, love them. Am I the crazy one? What's wrong with everyone else? Right. But it's like this notion that we have and again, this happens with work. This happens with partners like, oh, I'm just giving, giving, giving all the time. And I don't understand what's what's wrong with everyone else.

And what I was going to talk about was love bombing, which I think is a interesting concept. And love bombing can actually be often confused with the honeymoon phase. So basically, love bombing is a form of emotional manipulation used to gain power over another person by showering them with what appears to be a lot of attention and a lot of affection. Love is actually a tactic using quotes. You feel so loved, you feel so accepted, it feels like the honeymoon, but you're like, oh my God, this person is my everything.

They're showing you gifts and attention and love. You've never had so many compliments in your life. You've never had anybody who has made you feel so loved and so, so alive. You're like, I didn't even know this person existed. Right now it can be mistaken for the honeymoon phase because you're like, well, that's what I had. But my partner did all the things. But in the honeymoon phase, here's a difference. In the honeymoon phase, the desire is typically going to focus on like what you might want, right?

Like what your find love does in a honeymoon phase. I'm going to think, oh, my partner really like these chocolates. I want to bring him these chocolates. Oh, my partner really likes movies. So I'm going to, you know, plan the movie night with their favorite director. Right. I'm going to listen to what they want. They like hiking. I'm going to plan hikes. So the gestures are more thoughtful, right? They're like, I'm really thinking about this person.

I want to please them. They're not just like empty gestures. They're not they're just to impress the person. They're not used as a form of manipulation. So the reason why the love bomber is doing all this attention, they're giving you all this attention, all this love is because they want recognition from you. They want you to say like, oh, now they're going to give back to you. Oh, you're so amazing. You're the best partner I ever had.

Now, the reason why they do this is because the sense of control, it's emotional manipulation done the narcissism spectrum, they want to create a dependency. They want you to feel like you can't live without them. They want you to idealize them. Honeymoon phase is about just like, oh, my God, this is new. Everything's great. We want to do all the things love bombing. They're giving you compliments all the time, which again, I love a good compliment, but it's all the time to the point where it's like and they're excessively like nobody is more beautiful than you.

You are the most beautiful person. You're so amazing. You're so incredible. You're so smart. And it's usually pretty early on. It's like from the jump, but you're like, oh God, I've felt this in a while and this feels so amazing. They might also another side you might be being in a love bomb relationship is they bombard you with gifts, so many gifts, and they also want to be acknowledged for their generosity, some of their extravagant.

But what happens is eventually that could lead into control. What happens is they compliment you, they buy you gifts. The relationship feels so intense in the beginning, but then it switches right. Kind of think of a cult like, why do people go in a culture? Like what? Why would you go in there if you knew this? The thing about people who are master manipulators like professionals, and I'm not saying that love lovers are walking. I'm going I'm going to go love bomb.

If all this stuff was conscious, we'd live in a much better place. Take a look at yourself. Self-awareness is the sexiest thing somebody could say. My past relationships, I did ABC and now I'm trying not to do that. But anyway, they said they changed the rules. So you're like hooked, right? It's like a drug. They're like gifts and compliments and extravagance. And then all of a sudden they start to pull back. It's not there anymore.

But what they're replacing that with our tactics that are, you know, like, oh, you didn't call or passive aggressive or they're showing up at your house more often or they're expecting things in return. And you're like, oh, I you know, you wanted these things for me. You were just giving, giving, giving. But the problem is you get hooked to all the positivity and then it flips, goes hard and fast like it's a fast bomb.

It's literally a love bomb. You're like, oh my God, this is so good. I'm just oh wow, wow, wow. I love all this love.

But then they want something, right? No such thing as a free lunch. No such thing as a. Bunch of free love. And then what happens is they get the gifts and the attention, the compliments, and then it's replaced by like gaslighting, a criticism you start to doubt yourself.

You're like, wasn't this so great? Didn't all these wonderful things. Am I insane? And they might even tell you, you're lying. You're you're wrong. You can't trust your recognition of things. You don't know. You don't know. They criticize you. They make you feel bad. So this is why it's so confusing. And this isn't just love bombing. This is unhealthy relationships because there's so many different ways to slice the toxic relationship. It could be narcissism.

It could just be all gaslighting all the time. What a good time. We're just going to gaslight our way. It's where you feel like it's a bait and switch. You're like, I swear to God, I know I'm not crazy. I know we were both here and now we've switched it. And then these are bread crumbing you and giving you little compliments here and there. They do just enough to keep you hooked, but then it flips and it's more toxic.

Right. You know, they get needy. They're upset with boundaries. They're encroaching on your personal space can be very challenging to beat with someone like this. And you just you've nowhere to go with it because you're like I attached to the love. I'm so attached to what I had. And then they switch. Right. We got John. Thirty seven in California. Hi, John. What's up? Tell me everything.

I was just looking for some advice. My wife, you know, she said that she wants me to initiate sex more often. But, you know, my wife has some medical issues and she troubles, you know, she says she's tired a lot. And she had like some some headache and body aches. And so, you know, I don't want to be selfish initiating sex all the time, you know? And so I was just looking for some advice on how to initiate sex, but I guess kind of not take her ailments for, you know, into consideration.

Yeah, I hear what you're saying. OK, so here's my question. Is she usually the one initiating and she's asking you to initiate more right now or. Yeah, she's usually the one that initiates. I got it seems like to me like when I initiate it's a bad time or so I initiate less unless I know for sure it's a good time. But yes, really. She said she wanted me to initiate more. But, you know, even like, you know, just yesterday, you know, do I take that into consideration or do I just initiate that?

Yeah, I think you initiate. So how long have you guys been together, John? We've been married for six years now.

So here's the thing. This is a really calm. OK, so in every relationship, John, I'm going to tell you this. There's usually the person initiates and the person that doesn't initiate. And after a while, the person is always initiating is like, I am done. I want to feel desired. I want someone else to to initiate to. The reason why you don't is there's lots of reasons she wasn't she hasn't probably been in pain the whole time.

It's because it's a new skill set. You haven't done it right. You haven't done it before. And I would go back to her and say, OK, babe, I'd like to initiate. Can you tell me what that looks like? You get to ask a clarifying question. You could say, can you tell me what initiation looks like to you and when? And then she might say, well, for example, when you get home from work before you go up and, you know, whatever, take a shower or, you know, just ask what what the ideal she might say.

I want you to come in and grab me and kiss me. I want you to turn the music on and pour me a glass of wine. Sometimes we need more information of what it looks like. So I think that the oh, well, she's has pain. She's saying to you, I want sex all the time, initiate. And then then we'll become a habit once you learn what she needs and then you'll figure out what you need. And so that's all it is.

That's why you're probably not doing it, because you haven't had to.

Yeah, well, I have. I've tried before in the past and it's kind of been that same thing like, oh oh my my my neck hurts. Oh you know. Oh you know, I'm tired. Can we do it later or you know or something like that, you know. So I think I kind of got to start a little bit and start initiating. I kind of just let her, you know, kind of take the lead there.

I see it now. She's taking up the issue. And she did say something like you said, she said, I mean, you know, she wants to be more, I guess, aggressive, you know, when it comes to it. And I'm like, that's mine all day if you want to open up the floodgates. But will it also ping pong is in relationship.

So if you were initiating early on. So here's idea. I love that you're bringing this up. So maybe early on in your relationship you are always initiating. And here's the thing about rejection. It doesn't take many times for it to become a habit in your brain, like, oh, God, I don't want to feel like rejected again. So I'm not going to try. And now you've got the habit of waiting till it's safe because it doesn't feel good to initiate sex in someone rejection.

It just even if it's your wife. Right. So now you're in this like I don't want to feel that again because that felt really bad. And so now you're in a new cycle and she's saying, sure enough, I'm ready again. I want you to do it. So you could say, I'm confused. I want to be a great lover, great partner to you, but I want to make sure it's a time when I experience pain.

So you just got. Schedule and see how Saturday morning, let's have sex, you know, work around your schedules, her pain. And so I just think you need a little bit more direction because it's that when you're, like, overthinking it, you're like, oh, should I do it now? But the phone rang. And so I think if you say I'm really interested, that I'd like to start initiating what would be an ideal time for you.

What does it look like when you say aggressive? Do you want me to throw you down on the bed? Do I want to pull your hair? Do you want me to spank you? What what does that look like to you?

It's OK to ask. Sounds like you don't know. OK, well, thank you very much. I appreciate. Yeah.

Keep me posted. I mean hagerstrom. All right.

Take a break and then when. Come back. Don't go anywhere. I think we all have one thing in common right now. We've had to change or completely cancel our travel plans. And let me be honest, this kind of sucks because two of my favorite things are hotels and sex. So I tried to figure out how can we pivot and make that a reality while we're all stuck at home this summer? Well, here's my solution. And it comes delivered in a little package, and you don't even have to leave your home.

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Welcome back to Sex Family covering a lot, covering dating pattern, talking about sex. Also very excited because my guest tonight is Violet Benson. So who is violence?

And if you don't know, you probably follow her Instagram account daddy issues, which was I guess you start in 2014 and it instantly became a success.

She's also got a podcast called Too Tired to Be Crazy, which airs every Thursday known for its self love and female empowerment.

And she's just fucking hilarious. And we met because actually I was on and you can find out via Benson and Daddy issues and Instagram and all the places. So I met Behi violent. It's good to see you. I was just thinking like I met you because we I was on your podcast too tired to be crazy. And it was awesome because we got on, we just get along, we just vibe. But we heard it was you know, we were talking about sex.

You talk about sex a lot on your show. And we had some great conversations. I think it was like an hour and a half talking about and you've been on the show, but it's a while ago.

So every day is a new day. And so we it was great because we really got to know each other. We went there. And what I love is watching you evolve. We've all been evolving lately, but a lot of the things we talked about or about just kind of stuff about owning your body, knowing what feels good to you and knowing how to ask for what you want. And I remember it was like one of the questions was like, what about my orgasm face?

You've evolved so much since then, so you probably don't recall. But I was like, well, that's hot if you have an orgasm. And it was like that. We kind of flipped it about you, about women. It became a lot more about women. And it was sort of a breakthrough moment for you that it's we can we are in charge of our pleasure.

We're in charge of our own. ASMs, that's what's going to make us better lovers and enjoy sex more, and that's actually what's hot. I agree because you helped me realize that I need to focus me and my female listeners, like we need to focus more on what makes us come, because that actually is what makes the guy cum like the guy once the men, they want to see us, they want to see us orgasm. And I feel like, unfortunately, the way I grew up, I feel like I learned all my sex through porn.

So watching porn, I learned it by saying that, like, it's always about pleasing the man. And I feel like when you remember the first time you came in my pockets, you came twice, twice, like literally twice.

You came twice with me. So you literally taught me when I was asking you the first time you came on my show, I was asking all these questions geared towards pleasing a man. And then you're just like, what about pleasing you? And I was just like, but that is pleasing. You're just like, seriously.

So how's it been going now?

I mean, look, covid right date I've had we had a Zoome date. That's so boring. Dude, I know it's been rough.

I mean, come on, it's covid. OK, but what's going on right now with you. Anything sexually. Are you dating or sexually.

I feel like I stopped having sex. I haven't had sex since April and it's been by choice because I like first I feel like last year I was learning more about my body, my sexuality, and then I feel like this year with covid, I had no choice but to really look into myself and like my toxic behaviors and all those things. And I started to kind of also acknowledge the kind of men that I've been choosing because I start to feel like, am I dating the same guy just in different bodies?

And I was because you are a mirror of who you date and because I feel like I was maybe a little toxic or didn't love myself, I was choosing men who also didn't love themselves or were feeling low. So I feel like this year suddenly pivoted from sex to pivoting, like working on loving myself. And once I grown and figure out how to love myself, which every day is a new journey I've realized I like I don't even want to share my body and my energy and my time with every single guy, like I want to hold on to it.

And I'm not saying, like, my vagina is so magical or something. I mean, probably. I'm kidding.

It's not probably. No, I'm kidding.

It's not. But I just realized, like, I it's not even about my vagina, just like even giving my body now to somebody that I feel like doesn't deserve my time, my energy anymore just doesn't seem right. And I feel like that's why I kind of been holding off on sleeping with anyone covid or not. I just wouldn't even do it right now because I just don't think everyone deserves my body and my energy and my time and my perspective so wise.

So let me ask you this question, because it's funny you bring that up. We've been talking about that a lot lately about toxic relationships and the patterns. And I hear from people all ages, all different types of relationships, and we just talk sometimes we don't even see it. It takes years and years of giving the wrong person over and over and over again. So what was your sign like? What was the same guy in every body? What was the makeup of that guy, if you did?

Because this guy is my friend now. So I feel bad that he isn't the example. But it was this weird thing, like we were dating. I remember that one guy that was like he can't get a Zica up and we'd never fuck. Yes, yes, yes, I do. So that guy and whatever it's his fault. I'm not here to body shame or anything like that because I know people get really sensitive about stuff that's not the case at all.

Right. It was about Dick not getting up, but it was more about we weren't talking. I was it was just about the type of person I picked. I picked him because he like my friends, even at one point, my friends maybe create a list of like the pros and cons. And the pros were like we were like four or five things, like he's nice to me. He drives me around because I don't like to drive. He likes to watch movies with me like cons.

He's an ex drug addict. He doesn't have a job. He still lives at home. He can't get his dick up. He has a really tiny dick. We never fuck if he follows other girls on Instagram, even though it hurts my feelings. My dad cried when I told them we're dating. He's an ex coke addict. It was like such. And I kid you, not Emily. I wrote that list and the next day we were already broken up.

At this point, the next day after writing that list, I text him and say, Oh, why? I think he's my person. And he told me, I think not. And I was like, all right.

And that's when I was like, interesting the it's time to look in the mirror. So you write this list and it's so clearly like your dad's crying. He lives at home, he's a drug addict. And you're like, this must mean love. So you wrote an essay. This is what people realize. We need to go through the wringer. Sometimes we need to have something so horrific happen till we wake up and realize, no, it's not for us.

And he's got it was just why did I like him? Because I liked how it felt nice the way he saw me through his eyes, because the way you fall in love is the way other people see you. So the way he would look at me, like on this pedestal and he always felt like he wasn't good enough for me. And instead of hearing him, I was just like, wow, you think I'm so amazing. And I made me feel good about myself because in that moment I couldn't feel good about myself without that man's validation and.

I didn't realize that yet until after. Thank God God bless me and he rejects me again and I was like, all right. And after that I was like, it's time to start dating and move on. And I moved on. But after that, it was the weirdest thing, like because it took me a second to get over him. That's why I was still trying to tell is the one. And I didn't I couldn't understand why I was holding on to him.

And I realized because he was this weird concepts of all the past shitty man I've dated. And he was like the last person. And not to be very poetic, because I am I feel like the reason it took me a second longer to get over him because I was holding myself back like it was this moment where I didn't want to grow up. Like I knew if I let him go, I had to enter a new chapter of my life.

And I feel like I was holding on to him because I was holding on to all my toxic self. And when I finally let him go, he was like the last chapter in the book of me dating shitty men. And it was at over ended. And when I finally close the book, I feel like I felt free and suddenly my perspective changed on what I deserve. And I think people get mixed up because they think when I'm like telling women to believe that there are price, people get upset.

The like men are great too. Of course, when I when you love somebody that's your king and treat them like you're king, he's amazing. I'm talking about like first I need to love myself. I need to be the best version of myself in order to attract the best version for myself. Exactly. Be the person you want to find out. We say so what I love about what you're saying is, you know, so many of us have these patterns.

And I do say be the person you want to find, which is what you're saying. It's like when we become the best versions of ourselves, whatever was attractive before will no longer even will be like what? Like you literally turn the other way. But it feels like we are so stuck when we haven't done that inner journey yet. And in a way, this whole cover thing has flattened everybody. Like, you can't do as much. We if we're just home, you have no choice.

I guess you could continue toxic behaviors or you're like, all right, something's got to change. Exactly. It's always a process towards loving yourself, but that's done good work.

Yeah. And I was so stuck on constantly looking at my attachment style or having that my daddy issues with the fact that I have abandonment issues and I was always so upset and sad and wanting to cry.

But the fact like why did they always leave? And then I realized like, but what if I changed my perspective and I'm the one that's leaving now because I know that I deserve better. So then suddenly I feel like I even change that in my brain about them abandonment issues. That's like people no longer leaving me. It's me leaving them because they don't deserve my time.

So it's like you flip the script, but then there might be somewhere in the middle where OK, because abandoned Mitsuse, I get that can relate because I do have abandonment issues. But sometimes what happens is you get really attached, then you think I'm going to date different kinds of people and then we put our walls up so you won't let them get as close. So you get to decide if you leave. So it's sort of make sure we don't flip that script.

The wall stuff is hard, so hard. Like even I was I just recently went to Utah about a couple of friends, and it always makes me sad. I always get the same feedback which I wish I could be better with in the feedback that I always get is why you're such a sweet, amazing person and you're so sweet. But I wish you didn't have to go to battle with every person and with such high walls before they had to break it down, before they got to see this person.

Like, I wish everyone else could see how nice you really are.

And like that always touches me. I feel like maybe you've said it to me, too.

And I did last time we did argument. I don't like drive either. In fact, I like a guy who drives to I have to say, but we're talking. And what happened was it was funny because we had this moment and I think this is such a good thing to talk about. I now remember what it was. I was supposed to come over after the show and it was like, I don't remember. I was like, I can't drive.

I'm just tired. I face time, do you? And you're like, I'm coming.

I'm like, I want to because I'm so please too. I'm like, I want to. But if I can drive and then like, dot whatever. And then it was like this, that moment where you're like, I'm not going to let you hurt me, you kick. And then I'm like, oh and then we got it was the sound might sound silly, but it's such a subtle moment. I was like, oh my God, are you.

And then we like, flipped it. And then later on the conversation we were talking. I said, it's those moments, it's that that moment where you feel like someone's going to reject you, even though it was just me coming over and it was, oh, no, you're right. But you can't forget it.

And it was like the side of you that I but I know I was like, are you mad? You're like, no. And then we got through and talk for two hours. So it's interesting. It's those kind of things. In the moment you're like, did I just put up a wall that I just had a nasty text? Because if I didn't know, I could have hung up like she's mad, you know what I mean? It just sounds silly, but it's it's that it's that protective shield that's a habit from childhood, from someone who left us from all those things.

And so we just do that. We if we were repetitive behavior. So I think that's what was. So I love that you went to Utah and your friends said that to me.

I think I'm trying. But I remember that with you I was like, don't come honestly. Look, I generally don't care if you come or not, Emily, I'm over it.

And I love that you were just like a I saw your face change and then I felt a little awkward because not just I have a.

For me to deduct whatever to detach myself from the situation and instead we had a whole conversation and like about how we push people away and I don't want to know, but I do it, too.

I've done that in relationships where I push people away by not being available like I don't care, we can get together or not. But I do it in a nicer way. Like you're more, I think, aggressive. You're like, don't come over, Pam, I'm blocking your number. But I'll be like, well, maybe. And then I'm wishy. I canceled and then I could do it. And then I don't fully commit either. And then people think I'm not interested.

So I've really tried to work on that too. So just letting people know, like it's all fucking communication. I would say communications, lubrication.

The other thing about your your trip to Utah. Yeah, I was talking about your how you learn to to accept your body.

And that's a big issue, like learning how to remember what you were saying. Go about like how do you learn to. Because we get that from all of our listeners as well. How do we love our body in the face of being with somebody when we all have stuff like what happened to Utah? We haven't I don't know what happened.

So basically had this another realization because, you know, I'm working on loving myself, but like, I can't help but still have those normal insecurities other people, the other women have. We are so hard on ourselves and sometimes we forget the things that we're so self-conscious about. Men don't even notice. And you've told me that before. You know, man, I'm just happy to be there. Like when you're having sex with them, they're just so thankful they got invited to the party.

Yeah.

He's like, I can't feel anything like me or he's not going like that. But, you know. Right. Better, right. Like she gave a pout, like, no, they're psyched and you're hot. And when you're confident, like, that's what they say, that confidence is everything.

And I feel like I got to see that firsthand because I went to Utah and the girls that I went to Utah with were all so much skinnier than me. It's fine. Like I'm not saying I'm fat or anything, but they were you can tell there were much thinner than me. And some of the girls are shorter than me and I'm tall, so I'm just looking so much heavier. And first I was just like, wait, I'm going to have to be in a bathing suit for like four or five days around these girls, like, every day.

And I kind of felt self-conscious about myself and nervous. And then I was like, whatever you like, just naked, just fake it till you believe it. And I was kind of faking it, continued my confidence. And I kid you. Not every guy there still wanted to go with me. I was probably the first person they first noticed and that told me that one, a man will fuck almost anything then and they'll fuck anything once they're drunk.

And then we they love a lot of confidence and the things that we get so insecure about, like our body is like, oh, my hip goes out a little, oh, I love a little. The football men don't even notice that. So you do. Yeah, you're right.

You were just walking around like unabating shines on you. Right. And it was hot and it was awesome. So that was a confidence. It's just letting those things go because the things that his back is our thoughts, like you could have been like, oh, I'm worried. Put your sweatshirt on. No, you went out there.

I love it. 110 degrees out. But what were you going to do? Don't go anywhere.

We've got so much more to talk about after this break.

I talk a lot about the pleasures of sex, but occasionally we experience an unwanted side effect UTIs, get this, 50 percent of women report sex has triggered a urinary tract infection. It's super common can lead to that vicious cycle of antibiotics we all hate. I've heard all the tricks empty my bladder after sex, taking all the right precautions and drinking cranberry juice, which, by the way, was recently debunked by the American Medical Association. Then I found a product called Yukihira Ucore was founded by chronic UTI sufferer who is inspired to create a new approach to urinary health.

She developed Yukihira, which specializes in Proactiv urinary tract health supplements. I use a drink mix that flushes everything out. It's so easy. I've made it part of my after sex routine. You just mix the powder, pack it into a glass of water and drink it. That's it. I've been thrilled with the results and I've got the whole team using it here. Oh yeah. It's not just for after sex. I use it after a workout when I'm traveling any time.

I just want that little extra support because urinary tract health supplements were developed with top physicians so you could buy them individually or subscribe and save. Well, that's what I do this way and never run out. Get serious about your urinary tract health right now such that my listeners can save 20 percent on their first order. Go to sex with Emily Dotcom's. Thank you, Cora. That sex with Emily dot com slash UCU OIRA and use code Emily twenty at checkout.

Well, this is your new thing. Can we talk about your covid sex life?

I'm not having sex.

OK, Persay, I just forgot that I do have a new roommate joining me and I have hooked up with her before and people are making jokes like so your girlfriend's moving in. You guys are not roommates, your girlfriends. I was like, no, we're not girlfriends because but it seems like so far she's been dating other guys. And I guess in a way she's only Grobman kissing. So I didn't realize I forgot about it. I guess technically I'm like an exclusive relationship with somebody without realizing.

No, I'm kidding. We're not exclusive at all.

Tell me about her. Was it your first? No. When I went to Israel, there was a girl that I started talking to on vacation a few months ago. I don't like to categorize myself, but I would categorize myself as pansexual if I had to. Where I connect with is more like for me. I don't really. Yeah, I don't have a type. But then I was just I feel bad. I'm talking about her. Whatever she is, she'll be both.

But basically I interviewed her. She's on the show, my friend Francesca. She's on a show called Too Hot to Handle. So I met her by interviewing her for my podcast about her ex-boyfriend. And when I interviewed her, I didn't think anything of it because I wasn't even sure if we buy. But she told me that she already thought that there's a potential that we're going to hook up. So apparently she knew. I didn't know yet.

And then you said it was Francesca from to out to handle your Modjeska Brogo. She's hot. So wait, so this was on Zumar was in person.

In person. Like a week or two later I was at my friend's house and just a couple of my girlfriends friends, and we went to dinner and then we went back to my friend's house and he was like, by Francesca, she's so hot. And I was like, OK, and I'm buying Francesca for my guy friends. But then she was really hot. So then I was like, You guys look good. And I know next thing I know well, we all went into the pool and I didn't want to wear bathing suits.

I just went in, like, naked. And then we I think she grabbed me because she's kind of aggressive. And she grabbed me and we started making out and I was down with it. And we're just like having fun, like hot like make out session. I think I was kind of interested in some guy and then some of the guys were interested in her and then I just forgot about it. So then I just walked everyone. I just kept it to myself.

And then we were just together for the rest of the night. And then I was super drunk and I was like she told me she was looking for a new place. And I was like, oh, just move in. And the next day when we're sober, she was just like, Were you serious? And I was like, Honestly, yeah, it's cool.

Just move in. So now she's going to move in.

And all my friends were like, I don't know, this idea. This just happened like a week ago. No, because then we went on vacation together, one to Utah together a few days.

She was part of Utah. OK, we were making out there too. Oh, OK.

So it's like a whole week long thing, a few weeks without violence. You know, I like as a person. OK, I think with her moving in, like we just have to set boundaries because, like, I just want to make sure that I'm fucked. I feel so bad about to say this. Well, she was trying to have a threesome with me and Utah, but I wasn't interested because I'm just not trying to have anything enter me right now because I'm trying to be celibate for myself and to work on myself.

So it's important for me to just steer clear from my private parts touching anyone except my own hands and vibrator. So like I didn't join on. Plus, I've never had a threesome before, so but it's too impersonal for me.

So she is moving in next month for three months and hopefully we're not like in order for us to have a good roommate relationship, we probably have to steer clear of like me being a part of a thrussell.

You're just days away from a thrussell. She's just like such a good kisser. Violet.

OK, back up. Have you made out with her when you were not drunk, when you were sober? Have you had a sober make out with her yet? I can't remember how many times have Chisari probably maybe. OK, so you're having fun, which I like. Yeah, I like that you're having fun. She's going to be seeing each other naked, but like, I haven't touched her pizza slice, her private eye, etc.. Petunia, she hasn't licked my taco.

Did I teach you anything like my roommate?

So who knows what's going to happen?

I know maybe who we like sharing a bed. Like who knows what could happen, what my vagina is to make sure you're both see, I think you have to do both. I mean, I don't have to, but it's a journey for both.

Oh, my God. My favorite vibrator.

Tell me, is this one I need to look up the name, but it's basically like normally only use the masturbating vibrators. It just vibrate on your clit. But this one goes inside of you, too. And I don't mind because the thing that goes inside of you goes like this and then the thing that goes in, your clitoris vibrates. And I tried it and I could maybe this is why I stopped having sex. It was the best orgasm of my life.

And I orgasm from both places. And I was so shocked.

It sounds like you were using a dual stimulation vibe, which we like to call Rabbitt vibrator in the business.

Yes, I was using that and there was nothing that was going like this in and out of my what do you call diarrhea, my vagina.

And then the the simulator on my clitoris was moving.

Yes. Was an internal and then we call it a rapid dive. So it was going internally. So you had what you're saying is you had a blended orgasm for the first time.

Yes. OK, so it was mind blowing. It was so insane. I've never had that type of orgasm before that I literally was like, I don't think I could ever have sex again because this is the first time I've ever experienced a sexual orgasm. It was insane. Like, I still think about it sometimes. Like it was so crazy that that Vibert is my boyfriend now. That is amazing that you because, see, this is what you're trying to do right now is that you are now learning like that can happen to if you choose one day to allow a penis to enter you, you could still use a vibrator clitoris.

This is my technical question. Did you have a clitoral orgasm first and then both at the same time sit both at the same time? OK, that's amazing. So you they both came at the same time. And this is why I love this show today. We're talking about that. We've been called the NOVA.

Now, I wonder what it is. Was it one of the ones I gave you?

I think it's possible. Yeah. Actually, I. I'm so amazed by it. It's amazing. It's we're dating now. I'm exclusively dating my vibrator.

Exclusively dating your vibrator. Violet, I love your life, the rabbi five, if you guys ever want to know, I can match you with your perfect vibe.

I don't know that I got you this vibrator, but a rabbit five is cool because it's stimulating all those 8000 nerve endings.

Yeah, well, this one I have like 10 vibrators. So it was like it was just like all of them were not charged. So I finally grabbed that one new one and I tried it out and it was blew me away, I mean, literally.

And I was like, we're together now and you're learning and growing and you're not going to be with assholes. Can we all just learn and grow? But really, like, don't you think this is sort of leveled us that if people are like, it's no big deal, just been home, just my whole life has changed.

This is time to do the deep social work, I think to do it on my worst and I got into my best day.

Well, you look great. I'm going to ask you the five questions we ask all of our guests. Ready. While Benson, what's your biggest turn on confidence?

My biggest turn on turn off lack of confidence.

What makes good sex? Becoming something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships that sex is not love. And I need to remember that always what's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? That it's about both of the partners enjoying themselves and to not take it so seriously and to just have fun and the fact that you were both wrong. So just as much as you feel insecure with your body, the person feels the same way and they're not even thinking about anything you're insecure about.

So I wish everyone could know to walk into the bedroom confident and then leave all their insecurities outside the bedroom.

Yes, I love this. You're all grown up. It's awesome. Thanks to you. Yeah. Cause, girl, you're my girl. So, OK, we have another minute here. So Daddy issues, we're going to talk about this for one second. So you've talked a lot about how you evolved and grown and abandoned, misused and that worked on yourself is love. What did you learn this week? What do you think you've done this week that's helped you like?

What's our parting advice for people to love that we haven't covered?

OK, here's a parting parting saying that I've learned this week. A parting gift for me is that if there's one thing I can leave you with, it would be to remember that everyone is going through something, especially through these times right now. So to be kinder to other people, when you're kind to others, you you release serotonin in your body and you feel happier and you make other people feel happier and then they're nicer to someone else. Because when you're holding on to because I've seen people sometimes be mean to me on the Internet and I just think, like, wow, I feel so bad for this person that's holding on to so much hate and so much anger in their hearts that they have nothing else better to do than to try to to take it out on other people.

If only they knew that if they just released some of that anger, whether they're crying and tell a friend how much better they would feel in their heart, because it's kind of like when you carry a backpack and you keep putting books into the backpack after a while, you can't carry it anymore. And it's the same thing when you hold on to all this anger and emotions and resentment your heart after a while, you can't hold it all in there and you just have to let it go.

And when you let it go, life just gets so much easier and better and you wake up relieved and happier and then you want to be happy with other people. And then all these little things that bother you before you wouldn't care anymore because you're happy with yourself.

All right. That's it for today's episode. I'll see you on Tuesday. And thanks for listening to sex with them. Be sure to, like, subscribe give us a review reviews, help us.

And also, if this show helped you in any way, you learn something right now, just send it to your partner, a friend, a lover. We all need to know right from the start. You can also find me on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at six with Ellen. Oh, sign up for my newsletter. People tell me I give a really good newsletter, sign up. It's sex with Emily dot com. And while you're there, we've got so many great blogs.

If you'd like to talk to you about your sex life dating relationships, just message me on Instagram or call into my Sirius XM show Monday through Friday, five seven p.m. Pacific. You can call me their triple eight nine four seven eight two seven seven. Get a free 30 day trial at sex with Emily. Dot com slash s. Was it good for you, Emam Feedback had sex with Emily Zaca. All right, are you ready to try a little group exercise, stop what you're doing and take a deep breath, squeeze your pelvic floor muscles like you're trying not to be?

Hold it tighter. Keep holding and release. Congratulations. You just did one kegl exercise. Do you feel stronger? Of course not. It's like doing one sit up and expecting a six pack. It takes time and repetition and trust me, it's our whole thing. Well, thank goodness for your lap. The only clinically proven FDA cleared device designed to tone and strengthen your pelvic floor automatically. Yarloop is the real deal. It's a small and discrete device that you use at home to have your Cagle's done for you.

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