I am trapped in a body I have no desire to be in, and I had already started praying every night to wake up with the vagina and to wake up a girl. And a couple of days later, I was taking a bath and I looked up at the ceiling and I was like, I can't do this anymore. And I go downstairs and I said, Mom, I want to be a girl. And she goes, OK.
Hey, guys, it's me, Violet. So before we get started with today's episode, it's a very serious, very good, well-rounded episode and it discusses everything of what it means to be transgender with Corey Ray. She's so amazing. The while I was editing this whole episode, I did notice there were so many moments where I was very nervous or stumbled on my words. So I just want to give you a heads up that please don't judge me for sometimes mispronouncing anything or being confused or asking questions.
I was really just doing my best to ask politely to step on any toes and to also ask as many questions as possible for people out there who may not know some of the answers to certain things that you may know the answers to, whether it's pronouns or anything else. So bear with me. I was trying to get as much information as possible for anyone out there who is listening and is curious about what it means to be transgender, the whole transition, what it means to feel like they're in the wrong body, identity issues and all those things.
So we we do discuss a lot. So I'm giving you a trigger warning here as well before you get that process started. But, yes, I am very excited for this episode, and I can't wait for you guys to get to know Corey. And I can't wait for you to listen to this interview. So let's get started on.
Hi, guys, I'm Ben. And welcome to another episode, too tired to be crazy with me on every Thursday. Today, my special guest that I'm so excited to have is Corey Ray. Welcome. Thank you.
OK, so like a little bit about Corey and who she is. Kurenai, I actually met at my friend Christine Quinn. She's from Selling Science and she was on my podcast before as well. So we met at Christine Quinn Quinn's event. We sat at the same table and we bonded because we're both Jewish. Yes. So a little about Corey Poirier is an activist, model and storyteller based in Los Angeles. She's what? She was born transgender and started her physical transition in 2009 when she was 15 years old.
She's also an executive producer on Queen Queen. Fuck. Sorry. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm actually so nervous to interview you. My God, why is I've so many questions in my head, but I also want to approach them in a very polite way. But yeah, I'm just I can't even tell you how excited I am to interview. And I would like my excitement so that I'm like saying wrong things. I'm just trying to keep it cool.
No, it's OK. And I appreciate you coming from a respectful manner. I think that's like half the battle right there. Having someone just come from a respectful place and asking those questions. And I think also to just like say this now, a big problem in the community is people feel like when they meet a transgender person, they're like, oh my God, I all these questions I want to ask you. But it's not every single transgender person's responsibility to answer those questions.
But I've made it my career to answer those questions and to make people feel comfortable asking them so like you can say and mess up and do ask these questions. And I know you're coming from a respectful place or else I wouldn't be here. So don't feel nervous with me because that is I've made that my career. So I just I want you to know that. OK, well, thank you.
Thank you so much for making this your career. Like, I'm sure so many people have so many questions and thank you for putting me at ease. Like, you don't have to be putting me at ease of all this. I think we're going to have a lot of fun.
But OK, so a little more things, reliquaries that I remember actually we talked about when I met you that you are currently in production about a film adaptation adaptation of your high school prom story. Are you allowed to talk about that?
I can say as much as I can say. Yeah. So I was the world's first transgender girl to win prom queen about ten or almost ten or eleven years ago. And I didn't tell people in college I lived stealth, which means I didn't disclose to anyone that I was trans. But when I did come out and a friend of mine from high school who a writer wanted to kind of tell a different story, we started writing the script for Queen and realized that we both love those like John Hughes and Mean Girls style clueless high school prom stories like she's all that.
And we realized how cool it'd be to tell it from a transgender story, transgender perspective. And at the end of the day, the transferral gets the crown and maybe the trans girl gets the guy. So that's I didn't have that representation growing up. I didn't Regina George wasn't transgender. Rachel McAdams is transgender and sharing clueless. She wasn't transgender. Legally Blonde. Reese Witherspoon is transgender. I didn't get to see that. So growing up, I saw these pretty blonde, white, cool girls.
But if only I got to see that that person had transitioned and had a story like me, it would have meant so much and I would have discovered myself earlier. And I want that for little Corey and I want that for the future generations. I want a cool movie for them. So that's between that. And we're in casting right now and we casted the woman to play my mom, who is just like incredible. And she's a total A-list or Oscar nom.
And we're very excited and we're casting the rest. And hopefully we'll start filming late winter. Early spring. Oh, so you don't see yourself playing yourself.
You because it's everybody's question. No, I don't feel I could do justice to myself, but I really am hoping to play the opposite of me, the mean girl, because I was bullied and as you've seen in the movies and things went down with the main mean girl. And and I want to I think I can do justice to that role to play opposite me.
So that's what I like that actually. I like the what would you say a big misconception about you.
It's not me personally. Yeah. I said this before. I think a lot of people think I'm an ice queen or like a total bitch, but like the malicious type of bitch, I'm definitely a bitch, but. I'm like a boss ass bitch, not like a mean spirit. Yeah, you get it like I'm not here to person, I'm not malicious, at least not anymore. And I think a lot of people see my face, and I think I'm just a total bitch and I'm very stoic and that I'm an ice queen.
But I'm actually very I'm very sensitive. So I'm learning over the years and I care more than I really thought I'd ever care about the world and where we're headed. So I think that's a big misconception about me. What's your sign? I'm a Gemini. Oh, we've talked about that. I remember now. Right. I'm a Scorpio rising Sagittarius moon. Wow. OK, wow. That's all intense. Well, you're like. Yeah, like air or water.
Fire. Good for you. What are some common questions you always get asked that make you roll your eyes?
Oh, no one is. If I get a period which I do not, I do not have a uterus or ovaries unfortunately, and I do not menstruate. So that's the biggest thing is do trans women get periods? People actually ask that all the time to this day. All the time. OK, OK, so what are some things that you think that people should ask a trans person when they meet a trans person?
I mean, I think this goes for gender people and transgender people. But what are your preferred pronouns? I think it's a question of that. Yeah. You know, like, hey, what's your name? I'm Corey. Oh, cool. What are your preferred pronouns? She her and I've been asked that a lot recently, but because I grew up in a time where we weren't talking about transgender in mainstream media, I'm still so shocked when people are so respectful and ask my pronouns like, what do you mean?
You think I look like a guy? And then like, no, no, no, no. I just I'm trying to be respectful, like, OK, you know. Yeah, definitely. Ask me pronouns.
OK, what are some things that you should not ask a trans person?
And by the way, do I say trans or can I say trans. OK, I continue saying transgender. No, trans is fine. OK, something that transgender people aside from the period thing. I think the thing that bothers me the most is, oh, well, are you preop, are you going to get surgery or did you have surgery? And a big a big misconception that with the transgender community is that you have to have a, quote unquote, complete transition.
And something I learned from meeting other trans women is that.
Gender dysphoria doesn't necessarily involve your genitals, and I've learned that man and woman, penis and vagina, does not equal man or woman. You can be transgender and have some sort of transition, whether that's hormonal, physical, medical, social. But it doesn't mean that you just have to get surgery, gender, affirmation, confirmation, rather, surgery. It was used to be called sexual reassignment surgery. It's now called gender affirmation surgery. And for me, being a woman meant having a vagina.
Like I didn't want to lose my virginity until I had a vagina. Like that was my version of complete. But for so many trans women that er their dysphoria is not around their genitals. And I think preop housetop thing is very damaging. And what about Nana, you know, so there is a large percentage of our community that doesn't want to have that operation. So it's preop postop and non-operative. And I think that's a big misconception. That makes sense.
I was doing research obviously before interview and I read that that is one of the questions you should not ask a trans person. And to be honest, it's stated operation questions, and I was so confused by that. But now that you explained it, I completely understand because I've thought about before and I've talked about and obviously I could never I can never relate. It's it's one thing to think you like someone you like boys or girls. I don't know.
I'm I consider myself pansexual, but I can never I can't imagine what it's like to live your life feeling like you're in the wrong body. Like I can't even fathom, like, that pain. And I, I never thought that I ever had to do anything with people's private parts to make you feel like you're a man or a woman like I know has to do with how you just feel inside. So the operation question was confusing to me because I never thought about that part.
But I can see how that can be irritating as a question in general. And people still ask say, yeah, yeah.
And I think people also don't understand that gender and sexuality are completely and totally different and. Just because my gender I might transition from one to the other doesn't mean my sexuality needs to be in question. Like some people are like, oh, so you were a gay guy and now you're a straight woman.
And I'm like, that's another question. Why don't you say everything not to ask a trans person, which is what I Googled. That's part of it. Well, I'm glad I'm good at my job. Yeah, I know. I mean, and I don't get offended because I've come to understand that not every single person was given these tools to grow up knowing this or their parents discuss it or their school definitely did discuss it. And I can't judge for that.
But for me, it's once I've given those people those tools and this information and it's what they do with it, then I can place a bit of judgment. Like I have this dating experience with this guy who when an idiot, he and I had really strong chemistry and connection and I went on a couple of dates with him, had not slept with him. He'd only made out. And we were at a bar that I frequent and Hollywood or used to rather and we were outside and we were sipping our drinks is when I used to drink.
And he I was trying to get a feel because I was from Montana, whether or not he was Republican or Democrat. And he said something like, yeah, I'm good with weed and I'm OK with abortion. What about LGBT rights? And he goes, Yeah, I'm good with everything. But the T and I like, put my drink down and I was like bolted out of there and he ran after me. It's like running down the street corner.
What did I do wrong? And I was like, why? What's wrong with this? He goes, Well, you can't just become a man. You can't just be a man and become a woman. And I looked and he's like, Why do you care? And I go, Well, I'm transgender. And he, like, backed away. And he was like, but we kissed. I was like, OK, I'm like, he just didn't want to go off of our chemistry.
And I gave him this whole lecture and I didn't need to do about my story and how I didn't always identify as transgender, identified as a woman first. And then he thought I was describing a hermaphrodite. And it's OK if I was hermaphrodite, but he wasn't OK if I was transgender. So whatever we had, this whole conversation goes well for next time, you should tell people first. The first thing you should do is tell people. And I was like, you are an idiot.
And I walked away. I went to my friend Whitney and I said, I cannot believe that I could express myself to him. And we had such a deep connection and great chemistry and she still can look past it. She's a great job, but he will never look at a trans woman the same now and after you've done your job. And I realize that I can give these people the tools, but if they can't get with it after that, I can't take part in that anymore.
So that's why I set my boundary with people, is I will give you the tools because I understand that you maybe haven't had them before, but after that, it's on you to be a person that can evolve with the times.
I agree, but I think you handle it really well. And plus, like I mean, one of my questions I'm going to ask you later is if you ever felt unsafe around a man. So even the fact that you said you were out at night drinking and then he said a T word and you bolted out and he went after you and I'm imagining like late at night now you guys are outside. And then you told him the transgender like in my head, I'm thinking like, I would feel like that that reaction of like fight or flight because like who?
You know, him saying like but we kissed like, God forbid if you had a different reaction, like, you just never know. I mean.
Well, exactly. And thank God it didn't escalate further. And we were at a place where I was basically like the queen of the club, like I was always there. I worked in Hollywood for a while and hospitality job. It was it was comfortable lands. And I just like walked right in. I was friends with everybody there and the owners were friends of mine. So I think he knew because we were getting free everything all night. So he kind of knew not to fuck with me.
And you were like a little bit outside. But nonetheless, in Hollywood, where there are unfortunately homeless people everywhere and crime rates are up and definitely scary, you know, at 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning at nighttime. With some guy that definitely could have taken things further because of his fragile male ego. Yeah, I'm so sick of trying to walk on eggshells for other men's fragile egos, trust me, and I've talked about on my podcast to stop doing that for women.
Have you ever been in a situation where you felt afraid for your life or you or you were afraid someone's going to get violent or anything like that with you when they found out you were friends? Yeah, right. When I was starting to transition, I was I was really around 16. We were at a Cook Lounge, and this is in New Jersey in a really seedy area. And someone there was this guy hitting on me and I was so excited that a guy was hitting on me.
I just started transition and I was very androgynous looking. I mean, I look a lot like my mom. So I was already feminine looking, but not to the degree I am now. And my hair was still growing out and. We went to his car and I believe I sucked his dick and like we were making out and whatever, and then we go back and thought, oh, anyway, we went to finger me and I was like, no, I'm on my period, which that excuse came in the clutch so many times throughout the years before I had surgery.
And he would go back inside and there was someone from my high school in there and I was with a couple of friends, but like this other girl, and she told his friend like, oh, there's an I don't say this word because I'm trans, but, oh, there's a tranny over there. And he, like, freaked out and came towards me and me and my friend bolted out of there. And all we hear is like someone in the back screaming.
And apparently he like went outside and like punched a wall and broke his hand and ended up in the hospital. And like, that could have been my face. Yeah. And like, thank God we saw him coming towards me.
And I, I if I trust anything about myself, it's my God. And I just knew and we got out of there really quick. But that was one of the most scary things. And then I've just been uncomfortable with men before. I've been in situations where an intimate with a man and while an intimate I wanted to stop and I just didn't have the guts at the time to say anything. And I just like kind of kept having sex with them or kept being intimate with them, just like get it over with.
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I feel different. I'm in there. Like when when did you start to have those feelings or confusion loaded question?
Because it came in instances first and foremost, I expressed my femininity from the job. My mom even said, like, giving birth to me was very different than my brother, who's older. And she knew something was different and special about me because of the release of hormones at birth. And she looked at me and they said I was baby boy and she thought she was having a girl she didn't know prior. And she was set on me being Julie and she really thought I was going to be a girl and was confusing.
They couldn't even name me for, like, hours. And then my mom's best friend and I come in and she was like, well, what about Corey? Can't you see all the girls in high school saying, look at that hot babe, Corey? I was like, OK, so when they knew I was going to be high and two, you know, they were like, I'm going to get smashed. So that was even like the start of it.
And then my mom, they spelled it CSIR y and then like a day or two later she was like, no, it doesn't feel right. And she changed it to the unisex spelling. So from the jump there was something there. And when I was two, I asked her for a Cinderella dress and for Barbies and she really didn't think about it. She was like, OK. And then she got on the phone with her friend and a friend was talking about something she I can't even trust where I want to dress.
And I was like, sure, I actually had that dress still in my closet, cute little red dress. And and I started expressing myself and playing with Barbies. And I would say around kindergarten, I noticed a little bit of difference. I was dressing like Esmeralda for Halloween and stuff like that. And in kindergarten I was like, you have to wear a clown costume during school, but then you can be Megraw when you walk around in the neighborhood.
And I was like, OK. And then my kindergarten teacher told me during recess that I was not allowed to play dress up anymore and I went home and this is actually a scene in the movie. I went home to my mom and she went back to my kindergarten teacher who had also had my brother and loved my brother. And my mom said, You do not tell my child what they can or cannot do in their free time. And I find out they've told Corey what he cannot, can or cannot do.
You know, I'm going to bury so much paperwork, your head's going to spin and she shut the fuck up and do not say a word to me. That was an instance where one yes, I knew my mom would always go to bat for me to be my fiercest protector, but also to something was different about me. And as I got to kindergarten first second grade and still was playing dress up with my girlfriends, I would hear when my mom would come pick me up like, well, why was your son playing dress up with my daughter and why does he want to play with makeup?
And parents were what made me feel uncomfortable. And I realized I was different. And then I moved from Los Angeles to New Jersey in the second grade and there was a boy that had a crush on me. He just the thing about me was there was always this feminine aura and everybody could see it. And this boy and I used to, like, touch my arm and, like, flirt with me. And we would like had these. He was like.
Like, feel at my chest and my mom, like, once walked in on it and he was like feeling at my chest and it was like very odd, you know, we're like seven or eight years old. And I realized that the boy started becoming comfortable with the fact that I was bringing Barbies in for show and tell and it became the parents which led into the students. And I realized in the small suburban town in New Jersey, rather than a cool place like L.A., that I was different.
And then I learned the term gay and like the fifth grade or sixth grade. And I think I considered if I was gay for maybe 15 seconds and I was like, OK, I'm not a guy that is into guys.
I feel like a girl. And then when we were in this health class before going into middle school, they took the girls and talking about periods and the boys, they like talked about deodorant. And I was so fucking pissed that I was learning about deodorant and not about periods. And so I kind of knew something was up and people kept asking me if I was gay because it was very apparent I was in middle school and I kept saying no. And then in Career Day, I think it was the seventh or eighth grade a mom came in and she was showing every student, all of her advertisements in magazines and each kid in my class.
Twenty five students got a different magazine. And by the gift of. My higher power, I was given a People magazine and I was slipping through it in the class and there was a three four page spread on a transgender teen and I saw the word transgender and it was actually a trans boy, so opposite of me, female to male. And they used Centonze. I feel trapped in the wrong body. And it hit me in class. And I was like, oh, my God, that describes exactly how I feel.
I am trapped in a body I have no desire to be in. And I had already started praying every night to wake up with the vagina and to wake up a girl. And I saw movies like The Hot Chick where someone magically wakes up a girl or White Chicks where they can just like the next day they're a woman. And I took the article home and I was reading it over and over and I brought it to my mom and I said, Is this girl a lesbian or is this transgender thing real amounts like, no, this is real.
And she had been waiting for me to say something. And because I was still like playing dress up and with Barbies and in middle school, that's not quite normal. But I'm stuck in a fantasy land. It was the way I express myself in my room. And a couple of days later, I was taking a bath and I looked up at the ceiling and I was like, I can't do this anymore. And it went down to, mind you, I'm getting ready for a bar mitzvah or I just had had a bar mitzvah.
And I go downstairs and I said, Mom, I want to be a girl. And she goes, OK. And I told her all about this fantasy world I'd created in my head. And I said, kind of thinking about the movie White Chicks, I was like, Do you think you can go to high school as a girl? She's like, I don't know. I don't know. And for three years, she looked for information and found not much on transgender children.
And by this time, I'm a sophomore junior in high school. And I was not the same happy kid that I used to be. Nice wi fi and wearing my boy clothes and then throwing them off when I got home and wearing my girl clothes and my Barbie heels, like being me.
And I was always striking a pose and I was always very feminine and I was always she was a she is a cosmetologist. So it's always wearing her makeup. And I became hardened by the world and having I think the worst part for me about being transgender was having to stop dating now, but having to get up every morning and dress the body. I hated, like, imagine waking up and not being able to put on the underwear that you like and having put on boxers to cover a deck and put on shorts and a top and like not having growing breasts, like my friends.
And then I was a junior and we had the Halloween dance and all of my friends were making out with guys I was on and it was the worst night of my life. And I was at home and my friends were like eleven of my girlfriends were Eve and I was at home and I had already told my mom I was taking fashion classes at TI. So I was like, like telling my mom, like, I want to wear heels for Halloween and be like a sexy clown and I couldn't put the costume together.
So after that she was like, Do you want to wear my clothes? And I was like, yeah. So very slowly, my junior year, November and December, I we were like jeans which were baggy on me and her tops and everyone and my hair was starting to grow out and everyone was like, oh, Corey's hair is growing out. He must have come out as gay. And I just let people talk and I transitioned very slowly.
And then in the winter I that my therapist who transitioned me and she said, yes, you definitely are transgender and have gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia. And basically that means like not identifying with my body and seeing body dysmorphia goes further deeper than that. But I started transition very slowly and let my hair grow out. And then eventually I started wearing nail polish. And then once I started to wear like chicken cutlets in my shirt and mascara, people were like, OK, here, a chick.
Now, Corey definitely wants attention, but the other side of it was like, wait, this makes sense. Like Corey is such a fucking girl like this makes sense for Corey. And mind you, there's no Caitlyn Jenner, there's no jazz Jennings. There's no gorgeous or Jiggy, who's a friend of mine. And I love her. And she's one of the most genuine, incredible people ever. But like, she hadn't transitioned publicly and there was no one for me to look at and say no.
Laverne Cox, you know, there was no one for me to say like, yes, like this is my idol. I have someone to look forward to. I can see how a transition works. No. And a therapist and my mom and my family and my friends who are supporting me. But I didn't know what it would turn out and look for me. So I, you know, did it slowly and let people talk. And I never really told many people I told a couple of friends about this being transgender.
And they're like, is that being gay? I was like, now, like, it's different. And then I posted a status on Facebook saying, vote for me for prom queen, because I figured, why not try? And then they voted for me and I won. And that's that. That's my life.
Wow. OK, well, you already answered some of your questions. Already have like that. I feel like I was going through a roller coaster of emotions when you explaining this, and I'm just like sad that I'm happy, OK, like her mom's happy for her. And then it's like, oh, I'm not happy. My body. I'm like, OK, I'm sad again. And then it's like, oh, she want from going, OK, I'm so happy.
Wow. OK, I feel like people are so lucky nowadays, like little younger kids who get to have role models like you on Laverne and so many other people out there. And you're like, OK, so they've been through it. So I'm not alone. Like it must be so nice.
Yeah. And I think. We do live in a world now where you can become anything you want. It doesn't mean they're still not going to be trials and tribulations, but it's a different world. And it's definitely we have made some progress. And I'm really surprised, actually, by how quickly the transgender this wave of transgender liberation movement has come about. I really, when I was transitioning, figured that I would probably tell, like my fiancee that I was trans, kind of like, um, Mikita Torian and how, like, her fiance didn't know.
I actually very much the thought that would be my life. Like, I would transition. And I work a PR job and I own a PR firm and not tell anyone and just kind of live and start my whole life. I really was not expecting transgender movement to happen the way it's happened. And we've made a lot of progress, but we've got a long way to go.
Yeah, I mean, obviously so long, but I think in general, people hate what they don't understand. That's I think that is always the view that I had. But a long time ago, I had my friend Shannon Beveridge on my podcast. I don't know if you know her, but I love her. She's the best. And anyway, she's she's gay and she's been very outspoken about it. That's what she's known as, like a gay you tube her.
And she's been in public like relationships. And we've talked about that. But I did tell her a little story about myself. So I'll share with you is that when I grew up in a religious country. Well, both of my countries, both of the countries I grew up with at are have some stigmas about them. It's Russia and Israel. So we can get in to Russia in a second because Russia actually I did have a question about that.
But my story is with Israel. I grew up in Israel and Israel where I grew up. I never met a natural and even transgender a gay person. I never even knew what that meant because where I live, there was never a gay person. So when I moved to the US of 14 and I started to hear people talk about it because I grew up like I don't even know what sex was like, the way it was so conservative, where I live like I live in.
And I thought there was kissing. Then there's sex and then the baby comes out of your clitoris, like, I didn't even understand where the baby went, comes out of like that's how it was. So I moved to the US and I started to meet like different types of people. I remember my thought was, well, no, no, you're not. You can't you're not born being gay. I've never met a gay person. You're you choose to be gay because I've never met one.
And I'm being serious. I'm I'm I told this conversation to Shannon, but then I was making more and more friends. And then I had this one friend who was so like I mean, he was very feminine in some ways.
And it was so obvious that he liked boys. He didn't like girls. And it was so obvious, his family, it was kind of forcing him to like girls. I mean, first 30th birthday, he he asked us to buy him tickets to a concert to Britney Spears. So it was like very obvious, you know. But I remember I was just like I looked at him and my heart was hurting because I was like, there's no way that someone would choose this life.
Like, this guy did not choose a life. Like if it was up to him, he would be straight like and I my heart was hurting for him that his like all these years, he has to pretend to be someone else. I make other people happy and I him so I remember that moment. Something clicked and I was like, there's no way someone chooses to to to be gay or not, like you're born the way you're born. And it opened up my mind.
The reason I'm telling the story, obviously transgender and gay is completely different. So the reason I'm telling the story is that you you can be born ignorant, but you don't have to continue to grow up and be ignorant. So I came from a country where there was a lot of things I was unaware of. So because I didn't know any better, I had different thoughts. But I got to develop my my mindset in the US and I got to ask questions and I got to open up my mind and I and like and actually during my interview with Shannon is when she when we were talking and she said, oh, do you ever had those moments where you wanted to be around some of your friends so much and you don't know why?
And that's how I realized I was again, I was like, wait, I did have I used to have I had a lot of those moments. And that's literally that day is when I realized I was pansexual, that I was like I never really actually cared about what people's privates are like. I just love people for who they are. So I feel like I'm still learning so much. But my point is, when I tried to teach my listeners is that it doesn't matter where you grew up, it doesn't matter how conservative it is.
You don't you can choose to not be ignorant and you can choose to develop your mind set and open up and like learn more like you don't have to stay like disagreeing with things. Are not believing in something or not wanting to learn is what I'm trying to say.
You can say, oh, absolutely. And I actually can relate to that a little.
I used to say I would not wish transgender on anybody, and I said that in the past, pre Caitlyn Jenner coming out, which for me is pre second wave of trans liberation movement.
And it's I don't know why people want why do you care if I'm trans to, like, keep your. Fucking opinions to yourself has nothing. Me being trans is nothing to do with you and your life and to. Why would I choose this? Why would I choose? The constant uphill battle and the excruciatingly painful process of transitioning, and that doesn't just mean surgery, but emotional and physical and mental. Why would I choose that? You know, and I so I understand that.
I used to say, like, I wouldn't want anyone to have to do this. I wouldn't want my kids to be transgender. You know, I wouldn't want I would want them to be, quote unquote normal. But I didn't realize until I studied abroad in Amsterdam, I was in sociology. My darling studied the sociology of gender and sexuality, which is also in part why I made this my career, because I got a deep the life experience, but also the educational experience.
And I realized in Amsterdam there has been evidence of transgender people since cavemen, literally bones and DNA, even with mummies in ancient China, DNA of the opposite gender and the other gendered are very hostile.
And I realize that this has been around since the beginning of time and it's become a social construct of man, woman and these categories. And today, not that I would wish someone to be transgender, but I am more hopeful for transgender people now. It's a brighter and better place for us. But again, still so much to do. And I walk around this world. This is something important that I think a lot of people don't know about, which is passing privilege.
And I walk around with essentially the most possible privilege a transgender woman could could be and white. I'm blonde, I'm smaller framed. And I had the money to transition and my parents did. And passing privilege stems from two things. You either have the socioeconomic background or transition. I need the money to get a therapist. Hormones, a new closet. Surgery, if you want it, facial feminization if you want it, and then genetic makeup, are you smaller frame, do you look like your mother?
Did you go through puberty? I caught it just in time, so my voice was just starting to deepen. But I wasn't growing. I didn't grow body hair yet, so I really caught it in time. So that's where I walk around with so much privilege. I think why I don't have the one hundred percent less privileges. I don't use my fake voice. I use my natural speaking voice. And if I did use my like, you know, I was trained, I went to vocal feminization therapy to like high in my voice when I went off to college that I could pass and have stealth so that I could be, quote unquote, normal girl and have the normal college girl experience for those four years in the year after college.
And I threw it out the window was like, fuck that. It's really exhausting and hard to maintain that voice. But also like, this is me. And the only way I don't pass and a lot of instances and feel uncomfortable in public is people are always startled by my voice and either good or bad. It's either like, holy shit, your voice is so hot. Are you a radio host or are you a jazz singer? Or like, why is this bitch's voice so fucking low?
Because she's so little and it doesn't like up or I think you're so small. Like how do you such a deep, big voice. I'm like, ah, I don't have the time to discuss this with you right now, but that's where I feel uncomfortable in public is that situation.
I'm here to introduce our next phone today.
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Talk to a therapist online today and get the help that you need. And for more information about this, you can check out the description in my episode. Can we get a little bit into your explanation on your transition?
OK, I would love to elaborate exactly what is a transition tale, because something you said actually, I was really curious about that I never realized that is that I guess it's important to cat because you you start to transition before you were fully hitting puberty that made a difference versus somebody who was transitioning at an older age. Like, that's so interesting.
I guess I never even realized that that would make such a difference is what it is, what makes the difference. And that's part of the reason why I decided to come out and make this my career, because. Again, I didn't have anyone, so I didn't know I was transgender until I was 12 or 13, and then we couldn't find someone to see me until I was 16 years old and I was searching. And thank God I was a late bloomer, you know, and if everyone could identify younger and if they do identify as gender nonconforming or fluid or non binary or trans, then they can maybe get the help that they need sooner and transition more easily.
And a lot of the reason why we have so many such high suicide and. Death rates is because people can't transition younger and therefore they don't pass or their transition doesn't look how they feel. It's a 40 year old who has to then get electrolysis all over their body and work on their voice and change their life. And maybe they have children and a wife or husband or whatever, and it's difficult. And then they don't then their transition doesn't come out to what they thought about in their head.
And so they're depressed and then they kill themselves or abuse alcohol or drugs. And it's important for me to be there for children and for anyone of any age that they can transition properly. And for me, I was lucky to have transition because when I did, because my voice is what makes me me. And let's say I had this really high pitched voice prior to starting to go through puberty and before your balls drop even really. High pitched voice So I don't know if my balls were like in mid dropping by, but they basically it it gave me that borderline of, like, I know the trans experience, but physically walking down the street, I don't know the trans experience in that way or the harsher trans experience that so many trans women and especially trans women of color face on an everyday basis.
And if we can get kids to identify younger and transition younger, the happier I believe that they will be and whatever that looks like their surgery or no surgery.
So I actually I feel like I did understand before why it was so urgent to get it to focus on transition for younger for for people when they're younger. But like, literally that actually makes sense out. Like that is something I literally never I mean, I guess I never asked, but I was always like, what, what? Why is it so important? And I feel like you just explain that. So I feel like someone explain this to so many people.
That makes so much sense. Yeah. And why would you I guess. Right, because you weren't taught it in school. You were taught by your parents, but at the same time. It's it doesn't mean I need to figure out how exactly that is, because it's a really sore subject with people. This doesn't mean that you need hormone therapy at 11 years old when you find it out. It just means that you can maybe seek a therapist who then can put you on hormone blockers and those blockers block.
Let's just talk about a trans woman. So that's a male to female, let's just say so a little trans girl. OK, well, as people could easily put it, wrongfully put it, but easily put it, this 11 year old boy finds out they're trans and then they just want to make sure their parents are supportive or whatever. They're out of the house, wherever they are, they want to make sure. So the hormone blockers stop the testosterone because we're talking about a trans woman stops the testosterone from going into the body.
So they're not going to go through puberty and they have time to see if it's what you would call a phase or if maybe they're just more fluid or non binary or if they really do want to transition to whatever their fullest version of that is. And then if they do, they go off the hormone blockers and then they can start either cross hormone therapy or therapy.
So for me, I was 15, 16, so I actually was able to go on hormone blockers and I stopped it stopped the disaster from coming in while we figured out everything else and while I transitioned slowly. And at the time you had to be living as a woman or your desired sex for a year before you could even get on the hormones you wanted to be on. So I didn't live as a girl for a year. Then I could go on my estrogen and then after my estrogen, I had to go through.
I had to have one to two therapists agree. I get surgery and endocrinologist and a surgeon all had to say yes in order for me to do it. So it's a process. And again, it's not easy. And so why would someone choose to go through this? Unless it's really either they're running from the law and they want to, like, escape that, which is part of the reason why people are like, you know, you also published your name in the newspaper in your town newspaper because God forbid, you were a criminal.
You like people, you have to publish your names.
And then everyone just in the newspaper can read and see that you're going through this. Aha.
A personal thing like I got out of it.
But I'm pretty sure it's a thing to this day in most places that you have to publish it somewhere because God forbid you're like I think there was one story about this pilot who was a fucking killer or something. So we like trying to change it to a woman so that he could get away from the law, whatever the story was. And this was, again, like 12 or 11 years ago. So I don't really know what the process sounds so long like.
Couldn't come up with something faster to help him escape. It was like seven years later, finally. OK, I'm going to escape the police this way. Yeah.
I mean, people are wild, but yeah, it's a plus plus. OK, so the transition includes. OK, so you're talking about there's hormone blockers which delays the puberty and all that stuff. Then there's the hormones, hormones that are known replacement therapy, hormone replacement therapy. Then you also get a therapist, the therapist before a therapist, before any of the therapies, because the therapist needs to make sure that because there's a big difference and I've read about this as well, there's a difference between somebody who is transgender and then somebody who is experiencing somebody.
That's for Morpheus. Other thing you said, buddy, buddy, gender dysphoria and gender dysphoria.
No, that's a difference between gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia.
OK, sorry, that so there's because OK, so here's when we talk about Russia. So Russia is another one of my mother, Russia, where I was born. God bless. Yeah I know. She's actually. Yeah. So yeah. Zenab So Russia went out of their way to create this research to try to show everyone in their country and to the world. Basically it was funded. They tried to make it seem like it wasn't funded by the Russian government.
But then in the end, you can see some areas. It's like it's actually funded by the Russian government and it's basically this whole, like, video or thing that they have people watch and it's everywhere now. And it shows is a Swishers. The shows about people who get mixed up between body dysmorphia and gender dysmorphia is what you just said.
And yes. And how and how it's linked to mental illness as well. And how some people who went through the transition then realized that they actually were not in the wrong body. It was just body this morphia, and then they transition back and then they just are just not happy within their body. It was like it's like this whole video. It's very hard to watch. I'm not going to lie. And it's funded by the Russian government. I don't know.
I don't know how one day I saw this. It's wild. That's. Damaging to the community, and I've heard there's this one trust Russia. Yeah, this is one Transue to where I forget her name and the only reason I know her someone. Damn me.
Hey, she tagged you on a post. She's really close to the her. And she talks about how like. That people can go back or I don't know, but it's really damaging to the community to say that and there's episodes like that on the show Nip Tuck by Ryan Murphy, who's, of course, done so much for the trans community, especially with POWs, but back then with Nip Tuck, different world. And there was a bunch of trans storylines actually on that show.
And one woman wants to go back to Guy and like, whatever. I don't think that that percentage is very high, but that's somebody with body dysmorphia and has nothing to do. And like it shouldn't be this people should and processes the same thing with with someone with being transgender.
Totally. Totally. And that's why you need a licensed therapist who not just a therapist, a sex therapist or gender therapist or someone who knows about this stuff.
So everybody that transitions has to get the sex therapist first.
You have to go through therapy and you have to get a letter of recommendation from that therapist. And at the time when I transition, you have to get a second opinion and you have to have a surgeon sign off on it. And I believe an endocrinologist who is the person who does your hormone treatments.
OK, so then then you go through the whole hormone treatments and the hormone blockers if you're a younger person. And and then and then after that, it's your decision whether you actually want to fully go through. You also said there's people if they want to do voice voice therapy, voice and facial feminization and talking about a trans woman.
Yes, we're talking about from male to female. So so then there's that. Do you mind giving me an example of what it means to have a pitch high pitched? Because I don't have a high pitched voice, do I?
Yeah, I do. You do. You learn exercises to come to the top of your head.
Hi, I'm Corey and this is how I talk and sounds very funny. And I could talk about this forever and I can talk about Queen. And this definitely matches the little bubbly girl that you think of because I'm blind and I love pink, but it's not natural to me. So, like, it's just it's a softer voice. Yeah. Hi, I'm Violet and I sing.
Me too. Yeah. I can't imagine pretending to have a different voice like every single day I get used to it.
You know, some people want that and that's totally fine. That's what I've learned about being transgender, is and I am someone who didn't know this, I will admit. But there no one way of being trans. And that's the beauty of people who are transgender. Yes. For me, I wanted a vagina. And to be perceived as a woman by everybody and to be my definition of a woman. But it's no two people on planet Earth are the same.
Twins cannot possibly be the same. So why why do we need to hold transgender people the same standard? Why are we saying you need to act, talk, walk, lock, be what we say a society as a woman. And if you want facial feminization, get it. If you want to use your voice in a different light, do it. If you want surgery. If you don't want surgery, do whatever the fuck makes you happy and that is safe for you and not you can afford to do.
And facial feminization, by the way, I should add, is when trans women, I think they normally cut through here and they shave.
I believe male genetic male biological males have a higher brow bone and they shave the brow bone. Most of the time it's a nose job and stuff and feminizing the face. I did not have facial feminization surgery just like fucking beautiful. I just hate people like you who are like, can we be like, you know, those people, they would just have that unisex face. So there's just beautiful as a boy or girl, like, they're just you're just like, why are you so beautiful?
You just have one of those faces.
Well, thank you. I will say I did break my nose at one point and I had my nose fixed, but it was like even the doctor was like, I'm going to give you a unisex nose in case you change your mind about being transgender. I was like, OK, you change. And I definitely I will say that definitely changed my appearance a bit. My nose was fine. I always had like a little Swoope, but it was more like here.
That wasn't cute. Yeah. And I did change my face. I will say that. But that's not that I would never consider that facial feminization. That was just like me having a broken nose.
And you have big Jewish eyes. It's like it's like a Russian like people like, oh, you have Russian eyes on my my parents like no, it's Jewish. I like as Jewish guys are like big eyes. Like we both have that.
Yeah we do. And lust for it. Yeah. And I think a lot of it is, I'm like a clone of my mom so that really helped me.
Um, can I ask you, do you talk about this like how many surgeries did you have for your transition. Just how many.
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I did it in one fell swoop. I had one surgery on my vagina. Oh, but other people are the ones who can see.
I can also go through the phase surgeries. That's basically the surgeries.
Adam's apple shaving. Right. Did you not have an Adam's apple. Were you too young. Is that what really I was like in the in-between phase and.
I just like I'm very thin, so, like you can kind of see by now and then I had gender and now it's called gender, gender, affirmation. I'm like stunned. I'm like I feel like one of those old people that's stuck in the past. It was called sexual reassignment surgery. Now it's called gender affirmation surgery. And that's one surgery. So you just have but I have a trans friend is actually an amazing director, and she had just her like a Virgo.
I don't know the medical term, but like the balls cut off just for right now because they can they're so busy that they can't do everything at once. So at least the balls are there. So you don't need to worry about the testosterone. That's what produces the OK testicles and like will eventually do the penis.
Dikshit And then transmen, I will say hormonally have it s but surgically are worse off because their hormones give them beards deep in their voices, give them body hair. But their surgery processes are multiple. I mean seven, eight, nine, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 surgeries people have had. That's from people being like mutilated basically.
But I shouldn't be mutilated by botched surgeries. But I mean, people had at least. I would say bare minimum, er bare bare minimum, two or three or four or five, right.
Yeah, because one surgery sounds very like nothing, but obviously a scar on you get to most people do like for the skin. They take out a huge thing here for the shops. Do you have a huge scar.
That's a big toe which is dangerous for trans men, that you have a scar here, you see the penis and it's just surgery so far behind.
But surgery for trans women, although the hormones for trans women in our voices or take away hair are surgeries are I mean, depending on your surgeon. But OK, got it. So you had one surgery. I forgot the surgery for a second one. Exactly. Through those transitions or.
Oh, my God, you know what? I'm an idiot. And I always forgot this. I had a I did have a tracheal shave.
It's called the tracheal shave. Oh, the the. And the reason why I always forget is because I had it during surgery, so I had it during surgery. OK, got it. And the reason why it is remembered is because I couldn't talk for three days and I was trying to figure out in my head, why can't I? And basically when you have a tracheostomy, they tell you not to talk three days. And I had my surgery and it wasn't even allowed to say anything.
I write on a whiteboard, but mine was very in between. I don't think she really did anything. I'd like to be honest, and that's probably why I like I still have like a I don't know. But anyway, it's called a tracheotomy, if you got it. And I did have that while I had. Conference, gender affirmation surgery, was it did it take how long did it take you to heal from that?
I think so. The other problem is like when you have or when I had surgery, I was on a morphine pump every eight minutes for like a week. So I was pretty delusional that whole time. I don't remember anything like my mom always is, like, don't remember this. And like, no, I remember they tried to make me walk because you have to kind of like, not learn to walk again, but like kind of learn to walk.
And like, I remember they got me up too quick and I passed out on my bed and they threw up everywhere. And that's pretty much one of the only memories I have in the entire week.
But that's after a week. You kind of I can go back to normal now. You are in a hot OK, I'm going to talk about it now because I don't know. Yeah, I know. I'm only I think in my head, I'm trying to think of my friends. I've had like a boob job.
I'm trying to compare like that is like your nervous system being ends. OK, so I'll I'll talk about it. They do surgery and I because I don't know now I'm sure like people are in and out of the hospital in two seconds. But I was in a hospital for a week with a morphine drip every eight minutes. Yields as much as I could that week and then transport you to a bed and breakfast. I was in that bed and breakfast for a week while I had to heal and I had to be able to keep a catheter in you, which is very painful.
And after the two weeks, you have to be able to, like, pee. On your own for them to release you and you heal for about a year afterwards, you also can't walk more than like I think it's like three minutes for the first month or so. And then after the first month, you're allowed to walk around a little bit. And then during the first year, I you get like electric shocks. Imagine your clit being electrocuted every couple of seconds.
I would hate that I went back. So I had my surgery done between my freshman and sophomore year of college. So I was in my sophomore year being like, I do like, are you OK? I'm okay. I'm fine. And I had like, little Domecq for old people in my bedroom at my desk because it was so painful to sit and like walk around. But they say you're technically like, healed after eight weeks. But and I was like, real quick, I'm losing my virginity thing.
I lost my virginity like nitpicks after surgery, which was like a fresh vagina.
So you couldn't walk where you crawled that dick and you're just like, let's go.
And then. Yeah. And then also I should add that you have to dilate for the rest of your life. Dilating is going off your face is these four. Dildo is but not penis shaped looking things that you hold in your vagina for like 30 minutes to an hour and I did not like five to seven times a day for the first couple of months. And then it goes down to five times a day and then three times a day, once a day.
And by the end of the first year of surgery, it's twice a week for the rest of your life or sex. And it's to keep the depth and the width of your vagina intact because any actually any vagina can collapse. Nadol vagina can actually, like, turn inside a sock, but it keeps it from caving in and closing so that I can have sex. And not every trans woman is another misconception. Can get what I was lucky enough that I can get went on my own.
But not, not every transgender person is fortunate to have felmingham their clitoris to have an orgasm after surgery to get wet on their own. A lot of people have to use lube so. So you can get an orgasm. Oh, yeah, that's amazing.
When you talk about dilating first, I was like, oh, my sister talks of dilating when she gave birth. But then you're like, oh, you have to put something up there to open it up. And I was like, girl, I've had anal. I know exactly. I've do that before and I know exactly what you're talking about. When you said that, I was like, yeah, I do that, but you're like a few times a day or whatever.
I was like, no, I don't do that. That's like how many times am I having anal? Just like once. But I do about thirty minutes before, you know, you put something up your bum. I've told my listeners before and then it just like nice for the know.
For instance, I had a boyfriend my senior year of college who had no idea until a year after we broke up. Yes. We talked about this. We did, yes. And his reaction to it was like beautiful and amazing.
He just he was so supportive. Understanding.
Yeah, he was he's like said that doesn't change anything for me, you know, like our relationship and how I feel about you.
When exactly did you feel like you you felt like, oh, my God, I feel like me for the first time in my life. Like, when did you have that moment? Because, like, I don't even think was it after surgery? I feel like you probably felt like that even before you had that surgery.
No, I definitely felt better when I transitioned. Like, physically, I would say I don't even know if I feel like me right now. I'm kind of working for physiotherapy. I think I lost myself a little bit on the way because living stuff was deeply damaging and traumatizing for me. What I'm sorry, what is that term? What is stop. You've been saying that, yes, stealth means that I did not disclose to anyone that I had transitioned so got a graduate of high school and went off to college and did four years of college and one year after college, keeping it basically a secret.
I'm not telling people I was trans, not telling dates, boyfriends, people I worked with, friends, my college friends, best friends like all this stuff and. I was traumatized and very deeply damaged by it. And I'm working through that now, and I really feel like I still haven't gotten back to the happy little kid I used to be like I was so. Again, hardened by the world and having to dress a body I hate. I still haven't made it back to me, don't know, but I'm definitely in personality.
I have always been the same, but I don't really I know myself. And that's like one of the best things about me. Like even when my therapist before I really had gone on any hormones or anything, she's like you always had a you're always very sexual, like you always had a really raw, dirty sense of humor. And you were you always had the best sense of self. And that I know and I know who I am that way, but I don't remember a defining moment of feeling.
Maybe losing my virginity to the boy I used to like make out with in secret in high school or when I bought my first, I bought a thong at a Britney Spears concert, actually, funnily enough, and my sophomore year of high school. And I think when I was first able to wear God, that was another defining moment. I'm probably getting hit on having sex and being taken home by guys and getting that validation that I sought after by men.
That was really when I was like, oh my God. Like, this is like, yeah, yeah. But I think it's until you start to feel that. And I think that's where you're I think that's where you sound like you still feel a little lost inside because it's like you can I think is that obviously is completely not even similar to your situation at all.
But I was born with a birth defect where I just have really yellow teeth and they were really embarrassing whatever. I don't want to get into it because it's not about me. But the point is that that I always thought in my head, like, once I get veneers, I will be beautiful and then guys, boys will love me and then I will be able to finally kiss a boy. And I wouldn't just hate being me or people look at my face because I was like, you guys would be so gross out.
The guy's no boy would want to kiss me. They knew, like, my teeth are so gross. And then because I've had venire since I was five, but they were through insurance and they were really. Yeah, it's a real birth defect and and they were constantly breaking and it was really embarrassing. I would hate to smile. And then a few years ago, I finally got the celebrity type of veneers that everyone has when I finally decided to come out as daddy issues.
And I was like that day when I finally got those Hollywood videos, I looked at myself and I was just like, I'm finally beautiful. Like, this is the first time in my life where I feel beautiful and I feel like people will love me. And it wasn't until, like six months later that something I was just like suddenly looking at myself and I still didn't like what I was looking in the mirror. And I was just like, I don't get it.
I'm so confused.
Like, I've I waited twenty five years to do this. I finally I thought this would make me happy and it didn't because it had nothing to do with all this validation that I thought I need it from the rest of the world and people out there like it. It's from inside like I did. I still didn't love myself. Like I don't think I was beautiful inside because I was holding on to these moments where I was disgusted with myself. And it's like, how can you you know, you have to, like, love yourself and you have to treat yourself well and you you have to be kind to your inner self.
So when you're saying like like I don't fully know myself or I'm thinking of my my inner self, it's like, well, you're your younger young Corey's always going to be with you. Like you haven't lost her, like she's there and she's just waiting for you to be nice to her and to be kind to her and to be like loving to her, you know?
And what's interesting about myself is I always liked my face. I didn't hate my body, but I always liked my face. And I always thought I was pretty, but. I wanted a man to think that I was beautiful and I think actually taking a couple of minutes to think about it, going back to that relationship from college, he made what I call him. E for elephant. He made me feel like the woman I always thought it was because he loved me.
For my personality and who I was and for, yes, my outward beauty, but also like at twenty one years old, to have a type of relationship that we had is very rare. And we had the same morals and values and wants out of life. And it was such a beautiful relationship and like. You know, there's always like, oh, wrong time. I think I needed him at that time for a reason, like we were 30 or right now and we met like, could it have been amazing?
Even my husband totally.
But he went and it was not the wrong time. It was the right time. And I really got that from him. And that was probably honestly the defining moment for me. I was like, wow, he likes me for who I am and sees me for the woman I am without knowing that I'm transgender. And that was what was so special. And now. I think a guy who. Loves me for me and thinks I'm even more gorgeous for the journey that I've been on and doesn't need to be hyper educated or given that lecture that I gave that guy outside the bar, he comes correct and he comes ready and willing to love me.
That's really sweet.
Yeah. And and yeah, I mean, I understand also why you didn't fully feel like yourself for now. You're going through that therapy. It is because that transition is a big part of who you are like. So you're still even though you you went through the transition, all that you're still technically holding back on fully showing people exactly who you are, like you're still technically hiding yourself, you know? So I understand. So I do hope you figure through that.
But it seems like you seem you seem very intelligent. And so I just feel like you're learning through it. And I feel like you're you're going to do fine. And I feel like you're going to get out of whatever you're currently, you know, going through and experiencing.
And yeah, I mean, I. I'm very positive in that way, and I see lights at the end of the tunnel and I think it's more so, I just want to be like everyone's like, oh, I hate being single. I actually love being single. I love my alone time. And I've learned to love it. And I don't think I am ready for a relationship because I want to be my best possible self when I get there.
I agree. And that's what this year, as horrible as it's been for me and it's been a lot of light coming back to myself and finding my way and and really just becoming my best possible self and knowing that we are always evolving, everyone is always evolving, and we're always going to get there. And I think you can always say, like, oh, when I have the teeth or the money or the hair or the vagina, like I'm going to be happy.
But it's not really about that. It's about loving yourself. And I hope that everyone can eventually be that way.
I saved up and I spent fifty thousand dollars to change my. It's are expensive. Eighteen hundred dollars a tooth and it's my whole mouth. But it's a real medical issue that I've had my whole life and through insurance is just not as nice. And I was just like one to scare, to scare four people to to make fun of me for my teeth. And I was just like, if I did this then I'll be beautiful and people will love me.
And then I did that and I was like, why do I still love myself? I don't get it.
I also don't I think that everyone's like, oh, no, like Kylie Jenner steak and all this stuff. It's like, but you know what? If that's what makes college dinner, I mean, she should admit things like if she had surgery, I think it's healthier to admit it for younger girls. But like, if you want a nose job, I can get a nose job. But that's what's going to make you happy. Like you always like you should love the natural body.
You're and I'm like, no, you can love yourself. But also, like, if they're little things that you want to do. Yeah. Breaking the bank or whatever, they'll do it for yourself. So, yeah, I agree.
But I think it's inner, it's inner stuff. But everything you were saying, I agree with the best version of yourself because I think when you become the best version of yourself, that's also when you attract somebody who's also the best version of themselves and then you are both whole people that can date each other. It's when you're not the best, like when I'm not the best in a good place. I attract people, though not a good place. And then it's just like they drag me down because they're a little broken and then I'm a little broken.
And it's it's it's not good, you know, like you sweetness, which is not, you know, I want to be whole. I want the other person to be whole. And then we come together. We love each other even more and we bring each other to even be even a better version of ourselves. But like, I'm not there. Like, I can't if you're like I can't be there to complete somebody. Like, you need to be whole and you're on your own before I'm going to come into your life.
That's how I feel. And I feel like I'm saying so passionately because I've because obviously I'm experiencing this right now with someone that I'm like, you need to be whole before I come into your life. I'm sorry. Can you. Thank you. OK, speaking of. So then the next question from the site that I looked up. So it's not my question, so don't kill me if I'm asking this. Tell me if it's wrong. The question was, somebody asked a non binary people friends.
I personally say, yes, it's under the trans umbrella. I in layman's terms, there's this gender, NCIS, GE and ah, CIS gender is when you identify as what you born to at birth of someone else. What's assigned to you by a doctor.
Got it. And transgender is when you don't identify with what that doctor told you. So you either agree with the doctor or you don't agree with the doctor says do you agree trans you don't. So for me, under the trans umbrella is transgender. Non binary fluid.
Nonconforming. Got it. That's really helpful to understand. OK, what is nonconforming, mean. Similar. You don't conform to one or the other but also can be a little bit of fluid. I think conforming is in my personal opinion, I could be totally wrong on this actually. But I think it's a mixture of fluid and non binary. I think it's where you really don't identify as either or you identify, advise both or neither, or that you feel more masculine some days and some days you feel more feminine and kind of just switch it up.
And to be honest with you, I notice this when I'm certain people I feel more masculine. When I'm with certain people, I feel more feminine. Like my ex boyfriend was so defining for me as a woman being a woman because he made me feel like such a little lady, you know, like I just felt so adorable with him and like the girl I always wanted to be. So I even notice, like, I'm a little bit more masculine with certain people and a little bit more feminine with other.
But I'm still like pretty I'm pretty fucking feminine.
So what advice do you have now for younger kids who who right now feel like. In the wrong body, whether they're female or male. First and foremost, something really that changed my life and perspective on who I was and made me more at peace with being transgender was that. The article that I read and that sentence, truck in the wrong body, I am not trapped in the wrong body and I was born in this body for a reason. And transgender people are real and valid and it's not trapped in the wrong body.
Transgender people are real. It is another gender that has been taken out of the conversation. We have these binaries of man and woman. But what does that mean? So first and foremost, you're real and you're valid and your feelings are real and valid and that there is always going to be people there for you like I am there for you. Gorgeous. Laverne Cox, Jazz Jennings, Caitlyn Jenner.
So many trans women coming to mind, I can't even thank God bless them all, but we're here for you. We are putting ourselves out there for you. And even if there isn't solace in your home, in your church, in your temple, in your school, in your work place of work, there's an online community that's here for you and that it will get better and and and the low times they will pass. And you just have to.
Stick to your guns and know yourself and do what's safe for yourself for the time being, until you can get to a place where you can be authentic self and most importantly for all children, not to compare yourself to others. I have a big problem with social media because I find myself comparing myself to other.
Oh, well, she is this trans person's already gotten this, that and the other and this many followers and this much money in this much fame. And she gets the platform first. And here I am doing all this hard work and it's like, no, we're on our own journeys. Right? So don't compare yourself to others and don't compare your transition to others and please do not compare your transition to mine. Mine is very different and yours is going to be very different.
And I don't want you to aspire to be exactly like me or exactly like Laverne. I want you to aspire to be you and your best self and just don't compare yourself because you're setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect to be exactly like someone else. And just do you and if you I know that you want to maybe transition right now and wake up the next day in that body and be perfect and your hair is grown out or whatever it may be, but that's not how the world works.
If I can have it my way, I'd also be a billionaire with a product line and be an actress, director, producer and have a Hollywood empire. But the journey is what's so great. And I did I didn't get to appreciate my journey. And so I would hope that everyone can just appreciate their journey a little bit more.
I love that as I. Well, you also tell your younger self right now. I actually wrote an article I wrote two articles on my website, Crary dot com, and it's letters to myself, part one and two.
And I would add to them that you need to breathe, girl, and just know that, like, one day you are going to wake up and you're going to be like, holy fuck, it happens. Like, I it didn't happen overnight, but I became the fantasy. I really. Genuinely, truly became my own dream come true and as a little kid, I. I wanted it, but I had no idea that I could transition. I had no idea transgender was real.
I had no idea it could actually be much to have a vagina and have sex. And and I got there and I became what I wanted to be. And I would just tell myself to enjoy I to enjoy that journey a little bit more and and to maybe calm down and to breathe and not get so angry. I used to get angry very quickly, which I'm very thankful I have worked through that. But to just breathe and relax and just let things be in the universe is taking care of you.
And that my personal higher power is is is guiding me to where I need to be.
I love that to what organizations you suggest people should donate to in order to help trans causes.
The first thing that comes to my mind is the LGBT center they have. Obviously, in more ways than I can talk about on this podcast and also the it gets better organization, so it gets better, the LGBT centers, the Los Angeles LGBT Center, any organizations that support trans women of color because they are unfortunately the most targeted group of people. And yeah, I mean, those are all really great organizations that have helped me personally.
Those also organizations where people can reach out to talk to somebody. They're currently struggling with their identity. Yes, definitely. The Los Angeles LGBT center, their mental health departments and also the Trevor Project is pretty well known. And of course, if you're looking for people, Reddit, Instagram, YouTube, Facebook groups, Twitter, find transgender people who are activists and advocates for the community and them. I promise you, you look we all look at our dilemmas.
We just suck at responding. But we're there. And if we see a message that we absolutely need to respond to, we'll get to it.
OK, I love that. I'm going to leave some links in my description of this episode for anyone that is has any questions about the identity or transformation? Yes, one more.
The Transgender Law Center is another great one. They help people get their head that says deck. Oh, God, anything that you don't remember legally and stuff like that. OK, got it. So anything you don't remember, you can tell me later and I'll put in the link if you guys have any questions. Obviously, if you're struggling with any depression, suicidal thoughts, anything with us to do it, like I'll leave links in my description for that as well.
So I guess my last question would be for anyone out there that wants to be an ally to you, to the LGBTQ community, what can they do first thing of education and educate yourselves?
Do not I said this in the very beginning, ask a transgender person, because it's not their responsibility to answer those questions for you. You need to educate yourself. Watch disclosure, doc, on Netflix. It talks about why disclosing saying, oh, I'm trans is actually a bad thing and how we got all these stigmas about trans people through the film and TV industry, which is why I want to become a big Hollywood actress, because I want to show people that Trans is OK and cool and that we can defy these stigmas.
And I think that reading transgender literature, doing the research on your own, watching the YouTube tutorials and channels, following us, educating yourselves, diving deeper and doing that research yourself is the first part of it and asking for OK and reaching out. And, you know, people who are struggling with gender identity or. Anything or you have an inkling that someone might want to transition or come out, just be there for someone like I don't think I would be here today without my friends and family who were there for me and my school, who so graciously, in a time when it was not possible to transition publicly at 15 and 16, who allowed me to do so.
So we are OK. Is there anything you feel like I can ask you? Oh my God, this is so great. And I think that this was like you like. Really asked wonderful questions. I feel like probably so many people don't feel comfortable asking. I think you pretty much covered it all. I think. Yeah, thank you. I think I can't possibly imagine there is more questions than I'm sure there are, and I'm sure people want to know how the surgery actually works and the technicalities of all of that and things like that.
But again, there is all the information you could possibly need on the Google machine, right? Yeah, yeah. No, I think we got this. So we give this interview an eight plus. Oh my God. Eight plus plus.
OK, that makes me so happy. Honestly, throughout this interview, I feel like I've learned so much. And when you are sharing a lot of your personal stories, I swear, like there were moments I was getting in tears or I was getting emotional, but I was like, we keep it together, keep it together, because it's not like I don't want to take away from your moment and you talking about anything. But I definitely felt a lot of a lot of your words.
So I do want to say that you do make a big difference and you should be so proud of yourself that you're going to help so many young girls and boys and female, male, whatever out there. And you should be honest, they should be so proud of yourself. You're doing an amazing job.
I appreciate you having me on. I'm so excited. And thanks to Christine Quinn for putting us together.
I know I will say you and me helping you sort of beginning like making you feel comfortable doing this interview like I thought. And then, you know, I was like a little nervous about everything going on. It was the first time I'd really been out since the pandemic and we were all safe. Thank God I was nervous.
You really made me feel comfortable being there. And you were like the only one to really, like, talk to me, like besides Christine and her friends. But like, you were like the only one I really like, actually carried a genuine good conversation with me. So I'm really happy that we were able to do this and get together again. And hopefully soon we can actually in person and. Yeah, but thank you. That makes me happy.
That makes me feel good. Thank you. Where can people find you.
Oh Corera dot com and and my Instagram mostly which is I'm sorry Ray and email Gregory dot com or Gmail dot com and. Yeah. OK, also, well, OK, again, so thank you so much for coming on, I had so much fun. I'm obsessed with this interview. I can't wait for it to come out. Usually usually all my interviews, I do them months before. So when they come out, they're actually recorded months before.
This is like one of the few interviews that we recorded. And so be coming on like two weeks or I guess coming out today when I'm when you're going to hear it's going to come up. So I am really excited for this. And yeah. Thank you for educating me. Thank you for educating my listeners. If anyone out there has any questions, feel free to find Corey on Instagram to D.M. Her, show her love to check out her website and have a beautiful, blessed day by guys.