You and I can be sober right here and be like and it's the best time ever. Tom doesn't do that. It's like him in the end or dead inside, almost like and and then you got to, like, draw out life.
And then and then when you get it, you're like, oh, shut up. It's like getting a shark to bite onto the boat. Like that happened. It was circling. That's so true. Hundred percent.
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I don't know why what color the doctor is matter to Tom but whatever. Anyway.
Hey guys. Brandon two beers. One game with my co-host Christina. Jet Ski push. Okay. Push. Okay. Christina ok. Christina be comedy. Okay.
Just push. Oh hug me. I'm so nervous to sit here with you right now because I haven't seen you since the accident and I have so many feelings when I see you because we've been through it's like we've been in the trenches together and we tell everyone.
So they don't know if anyone doesn't know if you're living under a rock. What Kristina's saying is, my bestie, her husband, I'm going to cry.
I haven't I had a pretty aggressive accident. I will say that I saw it and I saw it happen. And it took me it took me a few days to get over it.
And look at you right now. I'm going to start crying. It was I haven't even been able to cry because, I mean, like in Go and Trish, like, since Julian came over and then, like, it's just been nonstop. It's been a nightmare. And I'm so grateful to you guys to come.
Like, when you came over that night was like I was in shock. I didn't even know what to do.
So I'm just I'm so grateful for you. Sorry. I see. I knew this was just all coming on to city.
It was. But you know what? This is what I love about this show is that it's everything. And it was it was intense. It was beyond intense. It was an intense experience.
And what fucked me up is it happened in a second. Oh, it happened in a second.
And it went from fucking giggles ball busting to literally call nine one one.
And it was it was absolutely terrifying.
I got it. I got to be real honest. I got to be real honest. I and my I you need to know this because I was very helpful for the next twenty four hours, but I walked out of the goddamn fucking room when it happened.
I left him and I left and I looked at everyone, I was like, oh, call Christina. And I went outside and the door locked behind me and I was like, I can't get any more. Is it going to be his own Christina? Because didn't Tom give you a job like he'd call?
I went or call my wife.
He said, you all in one one. And then he looked at me and he said, Call Christina.
And I was like, as opposed to turn your arms or it's facing where everyone says, oh, you have I want to tell everyone we have a live show, New Year's Eve.
And on New Year's Eve, the video that we planned this whole time, we planned to do a basketball sketch, a competition just like tennis for the New Year's Eve show. I'll I'm going to tip the hat a little bit. We got Tristan Jazz really excited, we got Tristan Josh to come out and we did a sketch, not a sketch, but like we did something for basketball, just like we did with Dennis. We tried to make it better because we didn't feel like tennis really delivered and and it didn't on time.
By the way, I'm Tuno.
Just everyone knows they're just getting way. Do you see the video? Wow.
Tom's not great at these athletics coaches, so don't even talk about the video because so the night that it happened, Lindsey came over the producer who was filming it.
And I was waiting for you to come over and Tom was just in the E.R. and he goes, Do you want to watch it? And I was like, hold on. And I got a glass of wine. And I was like, glug, glug, glug.
And if I'm not mistaken, you, like, give me a beer. Yeah, because I'm can't watch this sober. Forgot about that.
My kids are upstairs asleep, thank God. And I start to watch it and I look away and I start crying immediately.
I was like, I can't even I can't do this is this video is so horrible and I can't even imagine. Like even just the sounds of it, you're seeing Grizzly Man like, remember, they're like when that guy when Herzog gets to listen to Grizzly Guy, he's like, we're selling tickets for the New Year's Eve live event. Like, fucking crazy. Please come about. What was those was like? Have you ever seen Grizzly Man? By the way, guys, why image studios slash Livestream to get tickets for the relief well, remember when Werner Herzog is listening and they don't play the audio, they just he just you get to see his face.
And he was like, never listen to this audio ever.
And that's how I felt. I was in I was there and in the acoustics delivered just as it was. It was intense.
It was intense.
I heard an old an old baseball player, Buck O'Neil, say three times in his life. He said, I heard Babe Ruth hit a home run. I heard. And he goes in that sound, Babe Ruth hit. I'll never forget that sound. The cracking of the bat.
Yeah. Then I saw Josh, the catcher who played who played in the black leagues back in the day, Josh Gibson. Gibson yes. I heard Josh Gibson hit it. And I said, that's the same sound. And then I thought, I'm watching this yesterday.
I thought he goes and then Tom Suvorov, he said, Bo Jackson. But I wanted him to go. Tom Saghir.
Same thing. If it was such an intense and lingoes goes I remember Liam was like, I want to see the video. I said, you really don't. Ah, you really don't. It is.
And but here's what's crazy is I'm sure Tom is watching the video a hundred and fifty times. Has he I mean, I'm certainly.
Yes, I know that. I don't know. I mean, it was. It was so intense, here's what's intense is that the aftermath is what I don't think any of us knew the weight of what happened, you know, so we said very quickly, I got home and Liam was like, what's wrong with you?
And I said, Tom, in an accident. She goes, God damn it, it's those fuck. You know, everyone called me thinking it was a car accident.
Well, I'm I'm you know what, though? I'm grateful it wasn't. And I thought it was going to be because he's been taken these McLarens out in these fancy cars. And all I hear is like, oh, yeah, Tom's doing 150 miles per hour in the fucking car.
And I'm like, what are you doing. Like yea because he stand up all year. I get it. Yeah.
There needs to be a charge, you have to get something out of life, I mean some zing and I'm like he's going to fucking harm himself. It was like, it was like it was on the horizon.
So I'm like how is this going to manifest this this reckless itch he has.
We were supposed to do something with Laird Hamilton and Gaby Reese. I like to more of them. And by the way, they're coughing.
I think they may be really helpful in Tom's recovery.
They do a lot of pool exercises. And so we were something to do something. And Tom goes, oh, what's their address? I texted to Tom and he goes, Oh, there's great driving streets around there. I'll get a McLaren. And I was like, that's how we're going to fucking die.
Yeah, just Tom Philine just going at his, you know, my husband is really steady, calm person, OK, in real life he's, he's really steady but I think he's got this itchy asshole you know he's because it's got to come out somewhere like you and I.
I like to drink. You like to drink. Yeah we do.
We get you and I can be sober right here and be like and it's the best time ever.
Tom doesn't do that. It's like him in the end or dead inside almost like. And then and then you got to like draw out life and then.
And then when you get it you're like, oh, shut up. Yeah. It's like getting a shark to bite onto the boat. Like that happened. It was circling. But that's not so true. That's it. Yeah. I like I'll understand when Tom goes well eat edibles and then I'll have another one.
I go. I go. What's the edible is like one to do it for all the other. All the action is done. Yeah. It's like I should have gotten drunk. I like joy of like going like this. My third cup of coffee.
I don't even enjoy this, but I know that if I take one more sip I can charge it to go totally like OK, eat edible and then it's done.
Your drug experience. Like I don't want to just sit there like I want to like like I've been drinking alone since forever.
Like I know you're not supposed drinking alone is so underrated. Yeah. Especially when you go highballs like I remember I feel like I put my friend into rehab because I was like he was like I moved to New Jersey. I don't have any friends out here. I just I'm bored. And I said, have you thought about drinking alone is what I said, go find a cocktail that you never have at all and then go buy the ingredients, take it to your house and just make yourself that cocktail all night.
And it's like I've always wanted a gin fizz. I was like, go do it.
You can do it. It's amazing. It's amazing. You just said yourself, I'd be like, sure, I remember the guy that introduced me to drinking by myself, Ben Seaburg Schallert defensible.
Yeah. He was like, what you want to do tonight? It was a Tuesday. I don't want to get drunk. I go, it's a Tuesday. He goes, that means nothing. And he was like, let's make martinis.
And we tried to figure out the recipe, the martinis all night long I don't know how to do. And we were wasted.
And I was like, this is for you. We didn't even do anything, dude. I mean, isn't that one of the joys of leaving your parents house when you're eighteen? Is that now you can drink and smoke cigarettes inside? That's what I loved the best.
My God, when I got to college, I was like the one thing I remember. I've said this so many times. Gebo Beer.
Let me and our friends Miss Gebo Gebo Beers. I was Gebo Beer beer.
His brother Scott Zefram Phobia Florida. Oh yeah. Yeah. That sounds like a Florida hardcore fucking Florida Moubayed childhood Indian Rock Florida like. Yeah.
Does he say like my daddy like. Oh no no no no no no. What was his dad's a seersucker.
No that's a fucking bad ass to Zibo beers. The beers were like the family. You go party at their house. Their parents were I think their parents were older.
Those were always the best people to be friends with. You could ditch school, go get high at their house. Oh, parents. Like, if you're going to do it, do it here.
Jay Jay had a band with Captain Seats that that was always at the house. And Scott every now and then would take Jay was older than if Scott were to take the weed take out. And it was like you take a van with an old school van conversion van with captain seats surrounded.
And I think for the weekend I'd be like, oh, there's going to be the greatest week of our lives.
We're thinking, fuck it all day the but but I remember Gebo beer.
We went up our senior year college, a high school. We went up to go visit Florida. Right. You want to go to Florida? Gebo Beer got out of bed, we were staying in his in his in his room and say he got out of bed and there was a essay's of frat.
Right. Is that where you belong to? Yeah. Smoking hot chick in his bed.
And he got up and he was like, I got to go to class and he left and the girl stayed in his bed and I said, there's a girl in his bed.
He's got to go goosy high. And then he was like, he came home and she was. Gorg know, was he high? He's good looking, dude, not now, but good looking dude. Sorry, Jake is still an attractive man.
I guess, you know if you're on Facebook, you're looking for. But he didn't age well. No, no, no. He just lost all his hair. He felt like he's in good shape. Well, there's always in good shape.
And and and his brother was in Playgirl. I swear to God.
His brother, my friend Scott Barbara's in Playgirl when we were in college playground.
And he had a piece on him.
He had a he took nude photos. We were in college and he should shoot for Playgirl. You want to use the F? He was like there and he did a picture with an orange by his cock. He was like, ladies. But here's the thing.
Do you think ladies bought Playgirl like I bought it? I think that's who buys it did.
And I bought it twice day when Scott was in it and when Brad Pitt was in it, I was in New York.
I was like, I got to see his cock. I got to I got to see his guy.
Brad Pitt was in place. There was a good because of Brad Pitt. He's had a nice day. His dick. I see.
I think we should be allowed to see people genitals. I wish people would like athletes should play nude. Basketball should be done nude. I want to see people's genitals.
So there is a book. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, my God.
Look at that. Duty's I mean, it's no old gray but it's a good dick goodbody. That's six two.
Oh I thought you meant he posed for these. No, no, no. He's walking around going like I'm going to go get breakfast. Oh by the way I'm jacked and I have a hog on me.
So he is gorgeous.
He is gorgeous and he even looks perfect to type in Burt Krischer negative weight.
And Brad Pitt's like an alcoholic, like he doesn't treat himself well and he still looks like that. Wait, wait, wait, hold on, wait a minute.
Because you're naked and that's what to pull Playgirl out. Are you gay.
That poses the. I don't like those poses on men. I like how the gay gay duck.
Jesus. Oh yeah. There's me naked with Doug Stanhope. There's. Oh yeah. OK, that's a bad idea. Let's pull this down. Yeah. Let's see. We talked about before this, we were talking about Brad Pitt naked.
It made me laugh. Colin, I'm still I'm still getting over the fact that you go Liam and Tom are dead. It's oh, they're just more subdued.
Like, here's the thing with Tom is that he's steady. Like, the highs aren't too high and the lows are too low.
And so that's why he acts like a high. Then you're like it's also fired up. You know, he doesn't get excited.
Like he got excited about something a couple of weeks ago.
And I was like, oh, because I get excited about everything. I'm excited about everything, too. Yeah. Postmus like, everything's fine, you know. It can be.
I've seen him at his lowest. Where which one. When he owed. When you said, oh no, no, when he fell during basketball.
I'll tell you he was in the ambulance in the in the medical transport. Oh no don't go back now and start crying again. He looked at me, he looked at me.
Tony eyes. Tommy eyes and said.
I'm never going to jump again. I go, I go, Tom, and he then he goes, I'm never playing basketball again. And then I looked at him, I go, Hey, meet you, asshole. After watching what happened to you, I'm staying off the court also. You fucked all of us up, big guy. None of us are playing basketball. Oh, no.
I'm now even I'm so overly cautious, just like like I did palazzos or I'm like, oh my God.
And I'm like, oh, fuck. Did our spouses marry the exact same person?
I'm so overly cautious today. I was like, oh, I think I'm tearing my Achilles heel.
I have I'm like, so nervous to even do, like, little weights.
I'm like, I'm going to break my arm, I'm going to die. I want you to see this going to end up in the hospital like my husband. You ready to see this?
This is going to blow your mind, OK? I'm going to see if I can expand it, what day do we play basketball? Decs day. Summer, forget it. Summer first do no. Yeah, December 1st. That was summer.
First I weighed two hundred and fifty seven pounds.
You hate yourself. I read myself. I was like I was like, I can't say exactly what we were doing but I was like, I think weights a key in this. I wonder what my weight is. And I said to Tom, when we play baseball, I said, I'm the fattest I've ever been in my life, in my life.
This is I want you to see what's the number, 257.
That's the fattest you've ever been to fifty. So I can't scale that as a woman. I'm like 250. I weighed that much. I would be bedridden.
I don't think May 15th, I was 252. That was that was my first year to fifty seven was the fact I had pictures from Tuesday to fifty seven. I witnessed what happened to Tom. Yeah.
And realized and like and we had to deal with a lot of we had to do a great job and Bert got fat very loud and bird got fat.
That's a good episode.
So wait are you saying you, did you gain weight today to 242.
I was 27 a week ago, and this is I am 240, but you stop drinking, that's what we were talking about, that I stopped drinking because I was like I was. I've always been under this illusion that because I lost weight in the weight loss challenge partying. Yeah. That I could always do it partying.
And I remember I called you when I said, this sucks.
I'm not drinking right now. It's like it was December 1st was the first day of my sober December. I know.
But I was like, just drink. Like you have to drink it. Listen, this was a massive tragedy. This was a bad thing. You can't be like, I'm sticking to my fucking diet when bad, like when tragedy happened.
Thank God I was available the next day because I would not have been available. If I can sit down in the morning to start looking up wheelchairs, that was the best.
By the way, it's nice to wake up with a little bit of fucking direction when push text me. She goes, we need wheelchairs. I'm like, all right, I know what I'm doing. Here we go. And then I start Googling wheelchairs and I'm like, Am I told you I got I got my eye on a really nice transport. It's a pretty good it's good looking. It's it's a plus size. It's nice.
And then my dad calls me, he goes, You're not buying God damn wheelchair.
Here's the thing is that you and I are such retards that between the two of us, like our thinking was not clear.
And Leon was the only one who was like, you and I were like, OK, how are we going to get him upstairs? And then we're like, we we can't bring him upstairs. Let's get a wheelchair, OK? Like we've already planned out. You went and bought him snacks.
I bought him snacks. I bought him calcium, vitamin D. I got everything. I went to the you know what? But my brain works sometimes because I bought a lifting belt. Do you remember that? I go. I went. I love getting given it in emergency situations. I like giving it getting direction. And you said he's going to you said he's going to need something approved.
He said, you going to write it.
He's going to need something. I forgot what it was. You were like a real direction, like, oh, we need a chart, we need an extension.
Here's what we need an extension. OK, here's what here's what happened though. OK, here. OK, so let me let me rephrase it.
So there was a point where Tom was injured. He has a broken arm. His knee is just not moving. And we have to get him into my house, in our house and our basement and then the next day get him to the orthopedist. And this is a guy who can't move.
I can't lift him.
It you need to put perspective on the fact that. Oh, my God. Anything that would help you move is broken on him. Yeah, he can't. It's both the same side, those crutches, right? Shit, it's the same side. So you can't throw a crutch under that arm. And so it was we got we got to a certain point.
We were like, we're like, so you're cool living here for like three years. Right. And and and like I'm in the process. He said some fucking hilarious shit during all of this that he did not find funny at the time.
He was not laughing. He was not laughing at all. And so many I mean, like so much of this was so comical. Tom doesn't like being recognized, and so I want to save it all for Tom to tell me because it's his story and I was just there to witness it.
I will just safe to say that someone when someone says to Tom, who's got a broken arm, broken leg and he's in a wheelchair strapped into a van that smells like cigarettes, he goes, So what do you do for a living? The last thing Tom wants to tell him is what he does.
Yeah, even the second to last thing Tom wants is me next to him going, we're comedians, I tell you, did knock out.
That's the fucking worst.
It was there was so much of this.
He was making me laugh so hard at certain times.
And and there was so much by the way, I have to say, shout out to every fucking nurse out there, every doctor, every, I don't know, EMT, EMTs.
You talk about perspective, I walked out of that hospital that day and I was emotional thinking these people are are legit, like dealing with me and Tom, right.
But they're also dealing with covid and they're dealing with all these stresses and they're getting through it and they're making us feel comfortable when it's them that I'm worried about.
And I said to this, this and they're working in the ICU with covid patients. Do you realize what kind of person that is that goes?
Oh, that's where the horrible thing is happening. Let me go there. That's not me.
It's I mean, I saw David Cohen weigh in and I went, are we going to light them on fire?
Like, what the fuck to this poor guy is like this Mexican dude. Probably sixty five, right. I mean, out of it, and then I heard his didn't speak any English and his daughter, I'm saying daughter because she was young or Mexican, but the person who was like he didn't have a mask on and they had to put a mask on him.
And I'm thinking, oh, this is wrong with this disease.
The communication is not being spread everywhere. And this guy, his mask was going like, I don't know, I get sick. Like, literally you could see it in his eyes, like and they're like she's like his temperature's 102. I'm pretty sure it's covid. And he didn't have a mask on. And everyone's like, what are you doing?
And then she put a mask on him and he just kept pulling it down. And she's like, Popeye or I'm making it up.
But whatever she was like, oh, Mirabai, Bobby Fatah Bocci in Lozar.
And he was like, don't fuss over, go. Oh, this this girl that got me drippin for home. We're little monsters. I'm not I'm sure that there is. If I was going to listen, man, I keep pushing the table back and putting it the milk into your mouth.
Oh what does this college guy. Oh OK. You know what's really great about Tom's injury.
The one plus plus side. It's not blowjob season anymore. Oh I'm out of that for at least two weeks. Did. Oh like we've been joking about it when I go visit him.
Like you want me to give you a B.J. and he's like babe.
Like he can't even get a shit in seven days. By the way, when he and I'm just setting up great top stories, when he does tell you the story about Shiting, I was crying, laughing so horrible.
It's so funny because it goes back to the difference between Tomingley and me and you is like someone said to me, something like, why, what?
Why, what was Tom made you laugh artist? I go, Oh, it's it's never really trying to make me laugh. It's when he's being himself, he doesn't know he's being funny and he just says something like or like does a double take and looks at someone and then looks at you and you're like, yeah, I was fucking crying.
Laughing the whole you know, there was a woman this is a there's a part of the story that I think it's fair to share. So they take Tom in to go get x rays and they leave me in.
Tom's FastTrack Room at FastTrack Room is just a room that's secluded, but it's got a curtain and you're with nine other fasttrack people, but you can't see them, but you can hear them. And it's kind of like a fun game show. I don't know why it's not a game show.
That's the injury people are dying of. It's really great when they speak Spanish and you don't know Spanish. Totally. So I'm waiting for Tom. I hear this woman crying, right?
All I hear is paddle, paddle, paddle. And I'm like, what? And I'm waiting for Tom to get back. And I'm like, going, where the what the fuck?
And then I just hear this woman crying like screaming bloody murder. She's two beds down next. And I'm like, I'm losing this woman. It's it sounds like you're assaulting her with, like, torturing her. Torturing her. Yeah. And I'm just going like someone translate what the fuck happened. And then Tom just rolls in from his x ray, hears it too. And he goes, someone was attacked by some dogs and they go, better battle a better battle.
I was like, fuck, where were you earlier? I needed you. And then and then he told me he's like, oh yeah. Three dogs, pretty aggressive. They're cleaning the wounds you don't hear. And I'm like, no, I can't speak Spanish dog.
I know, you know, it was fun when I when he was in the hospital is I love to wander around and peek inside the rooms and see if I can guess what's going on.
And there was one woman who was laying in bed with, like a balaclava on her head. You know, any time on a Pussy Riot wears a shit over their heads or that like it was like a ski mask was a buckyball, a balaclava.
Is that what they're called? Buckyball like? Those are called boxy. Right. Balaclavas, Balaclava, one of those called it's called ski masks.
Yeah. Balaklava pussy dude.
And some fuckin psycho like lady was wearing that shit on her face.
I'm like, is this is this how she thinks she's going to prevent getting covid in the hospital, this psycho. Yeah.
And then it's just such a nightmare when you're looking for all people.
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I hurt myself somehow I ruptured my testicle and in New Jersey at a place called Action Park, Class Action Park is what they call any retraction.
I landed on my testicle. And how did you land? I called Drew. I landed. Oh, my. What do you mean? You went like there was a slide type in slides action park and you'll see it. You'll go. That doesn't look safe. This action park is fucking chaos.
Oh my God. So this is the point, right? I do know this is real. This is very real. Three people died in that slide. You can't prove something. No people died in that slide. What? You can't do that. I know they taken that down since, but people died in that slide. So one of the slides goes off a cliff. This is the most poorly thought out slide in the world. It's a like a high dive, right?
30 feet in the air. There's not that one. And it's just spits you out off of a high dive. So it's a slide next to it is a high dive where people are jumping 10 meters up in the air. But the slide also spits you out. So you go off the high dive not knowing how to control your body.
Oh, my gosh. And I landed on my testicle. It balloons up. I had to push.
It got so bad. They were like, you know, like, you know, like a country follow the rules.
Girls that are like 17 years old and they're like, sir, we're going to need to see the injury. And I was like, Ladies, you're 17.
I'm not showing you my testicles. Please drop your pants now. And I just pulled my dick and balls out and told them like, no God but God and ran out. By the way, I filmed it because I was like, I'm not showing my dick to a minor. I'm fucking you're forcing me to do this. And like, sir, please drop your pants and show us the affected area. We have protocol, sir. And it's like this is your summer job on me.
And I'm about to turn it into a fucking nightmare.
And I pull my pants down just like Dad, where's his penis? And it's cold water and just ran out. Wow. And you need to go to the hospital and left. But how do they treat your your testicle?
So they bring you in there, they do a bunch of X-rays, MRI's or whatever to your balls.
They do all this stuff. They, they took an X-ray of your nuts. Did they have to compress it like in the mammogram machine.
Like now how do they X-ray your nuts did I remember I was I was a little out of it and her it must have hurt so bad. My nuts hurt really bad. That hurts so bad.
Did he get some super big, like bigger than your dick. Oh, I love it. I love the pictures.
Type in Burt's nut sack and type in Burt's Balls and then Whitney Cummings.
Poor Whitney, how did she get dragged into this? You'll see, I stand with Whitney Cooke that these are my testicles. Oh. Yeah, wow, now, is that the picture you see, like, that's cold, that's cold water, that's cold water. So like, you know, not seize up to clip the picture.
So you see the picture. Whose hand is.
That's my hand, OK. And so that was my balls. And if they were and that's frozen like cold balls where they're just out of a pool like shrinkage balls and so.
Yeah. So dude, so is you're not like fucked up. No. So I go to the hospital.
And how many likes to do that. Is that really your balls. Are you being serious. I started working on this. What about their super dark hair. Darker than I thought they'd sidebar to this, which is very interesting.
Whitney Cummings was coming out and saying that she was getting someone was leaking nude photos of her.
Yeah. And I posted this with I stand next to I stand with Whitney. And that happened to be the day Whitney Houston died.
Oh, and so I was friendly with all this. I stand with Whitney and all these black women were like, oh, my God, what?
I wanted to see church.
I look Ryan Sickler there.
It looks like you're nuts. Died a month ago. It was bad. It looks like your balls died a month ago. Nice cuticles.
You might do a comic to ruin that. So, so, so art is a sperm. OK, and there it is.
Fine, ok. I go into the hospital and they're like, you're going to be fine. It's going to the swelling is going to reduce. And that was right when it happened. It got bigger. And then they go and then they take my blood pressure.
My blood pressure is like 150 over 110 come party. And I'm doing birth control. We're doing it's all over the place and they go, we can't let you leave.
And I was like, I don't tell me this is in the hospital because his blood pressure was perfect. His heart rate there, like you have a heart and it's like 20 beats per minute blood.
Yeah, he's always low. It's just it's weird, but it's so frustrating when they're like, sir, do you drink?
And he's like, nope. And then I go, you're not lying either.
It's like, do you smoke? And he's like, no, but I'm like, fuck, you're telling the truth right now.
But what's considered drinking? Because I feel like when they ask me that, I'm like, well, I mean, not pretty much every day, but not like what's considered drinking. Do you drink? I'm like, well, yeah, like two glasses of wine.
Like I might be the wrong sounding board for this question.
That's true. Can I tell you the best part of the whole incident, though, when you guys were at my house, you know, cause prepping for a year, you know.
I know. Don't mind me. That is when we when we were sitting at the edge of the bed. I think this is the next morning and she's like, this is really gonna suck. Yeah, this is gonna suck.
And Tom's face is like, yeah, no shit. Listen, this is what's wrong with my wife.
We fucking I mean, no, they save the story so that we can tell it all in one telling. Yes.
Suffice to say Bert Krischer and Lindsey Twink Lindsey. Yeah. Get get Tom from point A to point B and Tom doesn't help.
OK, he can't I'm just, I don't want to I want Tom to tell the story but we got him. There's been it's been tough. Yeah. Finally we got him to a place where we can put his body for a period of time. Yeah. We are sweating. He's breathing hard. We're all like, fuck thinking we're OK, we're good.
And land just goes, well, this is going to suck for a long time. We're like, gee, thanks, George. A plum. I appreciate you keeping it real all of a sudden.
So that's what I see. Karl see it? Oh, look at him.
He's all right. He's going to get fatter. Tell you that right now. You're going to balloon up. You're going to balloon up. You got to watch what you eat and then push comes down and he goes, tell me, are you hungry? I made I made bran. I made corn muffins with Nutella on him because he shouldn't be mad.
He'll know because when tragedy strikes, I bake.
I always cook. I'm like, my dog died. The first thing I did was make cookies because what do you have to soothe the feelings, the bad feelings. Somehow I got to get them to drink them. I can't feel them. They looked so good.
Yeah, you were like Bird have one. And I was like, no, he needs his strength right now.
You said that BORKE They looked so good. Then we left. She's like she goes Nutella puts Nutella on a biscuit.
Yeah. It was like for a lot of people, a lot of people in high school. You don't. Not everyone. She made fucking biscuits this weekend. Yeah. Like you're not biscuits, but like muffins and put nothing on them. And I was like that. And I'm like, this point. She goes, she goes, oh, I, I'm no Nutella. And I was like, butter, butter. I would stick of butter and a couple slits in them little vaginas and I shoved them with butter and she's like, well you ruining the biscuit.
I was like, come on, can I tell you why I think you guys are going to be together forever. So why?
Because when she's at that time, I go shut your fucking mouth. Yes. You saying, why the fuck would you say that to Tom right now? That's what he needs to hear. Yeah, we're supposed to uplift him, not go shit. I hope they keep that all don't look like they're going to keep that, I'm not telling you. Why did she turn into Country Bear Jamboree?
I'm like I'm like on a fucking you're on a territory.
But here's the deal, man. Is that because you and LeAnn are so open with each other, like you guys just say crazy shit.
And Tom and I are more restrained with each other, like we won't just say everything. We're nicer to each other, but I don't know I don't know what's better, I feel like we're both going to stay together forever. I think we will. I think I just I don't know. You know, Leon Leeann's, you guys say crazy shit.
Oh, she says stuff like hurtful stuff. And I go, oh, hey, you don't need to tell people that like. And she goes, well, why would I lie? And I go, yeah, airlines.
You go right now. Right. Like, tenderize it.
But I told you the first time I was ever in a play, I just started dating and we're just on a play. My first play ever. I get in the car, I'm with her. We just started dating like maybe two months, three months. And I said, I'm really proud of myself. Right. Didn't mess up once. Get in the car. Look like, what do you think? Because you thought I was like.
I'm just saying you can't act, you can't act. That's all I'm saying, you can't act. That's all I'm saying. I go watch because you don't listen. You're only listening. You just up there, yap, yap, yap.
And I'm like, who the fuck is this person? Because what am I supposed to laugh?
You want me to laugh?
She does not lie. That's what she likes. She doesn't lie. And I fucking hate it. Yeah. Because you want you want some white lies.
It's like, yeah. We'll get when your spouse like do I am I fat. No, no. You look better than you did 20 years ago. You lie.
Yeah. Are you fucking lying. She's lost a ton of weight and I go and she's like what do I look like. And the truth, my truth is I don't. I thought you were always beautiful.
But the truth truth is like you look better than when you were fat, like, but I'm never what would I say that like I would say to me, like I mean, you like she said to me, you outgrew your dick.
And I, I put in the special and I was like, what do you mean? Like your body is too big for your dick. Your dick wasn't meant for a two hundred and forty pound man.
Two hundred fifty seven pound man. Dick for one bite it. Brad Pitt's Dick Armey does not fit it looks gross. Luzira a tiny dick on that body.
It looks like a good day. You know, I've never thought of it that way. You're right. I've seen Tom's dick, you know, grew his dick too. Not hard, solid. We both are dicks. I've seen Tom's dick up close. We have the exact same.
But we we both I swear to God, we saw each other go with the same dick. Really the same dick.
Dick does not hard, but we saw each other because that's what we've been doing.
But I never thought about dick size proportionate to the body size.
You're right. It would make total sense that your dick would look bigger or smaller, depend on how big you are.
Think about with the neighborhood. Everyone starts building up their houses in the way.
Once a an 1800 square foot good house bedroom, two bath now looks like a fucking squatter.
Yeah, that's true, bro. We bought back to Lee-Anne, whom I love, I love. So I love not to ever. Yeah, no, but here's the deal. Here's what I like about your relationship with Lee-Anne, is that she I feel is the one person in your life that you can be 100 percent honest with, truthful with, because you're a little more restrained with other people.
Right. Like confrontations and stuff like competition at all.
Not neither do I. I'm not very great at it, but I like that you got like it's such a good testament to your relationship that you can let it fly with LeAnn and you don't feel like that's going to jeopardize the relationship. You're not you're not threatened by that with her.
And there's fucking huge there's a lot of pluses, you know, so interesting in all of this that we went through. To find people's strengths and to find where people find strength and one of the things I love about Lee-Anne is when I got home, I said, Hey. Tom's really hurt, like we may need to head down there and she was like, OK, I like, but that's what she goes for, all the shit I talk about her.
She was like, of course, let's go as like Bush can't do this by herself. She can't. Let's get down there. And then we get down there and I'm like and she tells the girls, hey, we may spend the night down there. I don't know what's going on. We'll assess the situation. But then LeAnn gets up the next morning. She's like, hey, get up. She's going to need you.
And she's like, I got I got to cry again. And and she's but that's LeAnn is a worker. And like, she she excels taking care of someone.
Yes. And I needed that, like you and I both, because I think you and I both go in super tired mode. Like I was in such shock. I had my baby sleeping upstairs. I'm alone with my children. And to get that call that your husband's in the hospital, when you're alone with your babies and you can't go to your husband, it's like, oh, you're so off guard, you're so vulnerable just to be there.
I know your initial reaction was, what are you two morons? Yeah, I was like, push. That's pretty serious. Yeah.
Because the call from you and I here's what I expected when Bert calls me and I know you two are doing something.
OK, push who's got a bigger Dick Earlwood. OK, push. Who could do this.
But like I knew, I thought I was expecting it to be like a stupid question and then instead it's no, your text was the best. It was like, everything's OK. Tom's in the hospital.
I don't like the phrasing. I mean, it was not OK. It was like everything's fine. Tom hurt himself.
He's in the hospital like, no, it was it was crazy because my favorite one of those was those horrible Charlie called for. Everyone who doesn't know Charlie is Tom's probably oldest friend. Yeah. In L.A., maybe out there.
I went to college there and we all know Charlie well, Charlie's how Tom and I know each other. And Charlie's one of our all our close friends and Charlie Thompson attack saying, I'm not doing my shows. And Charlie called me and he goes, what happened? And I was like I was like, I got to tell the story. But before I tell the story, I'm gonna have some fun with Charlie. And I go, Oh, that's bad.
He goes, You could tell me. I said we were skydiving. And he goes, Are you fucking serious?
Is shooting open. Listen, his you can talk is fine. And Charlie's is like, by the way, I did that to everyone.
I had so much fun when everyone called me, I was like, all right, so we got these motorcycles and they're like, oh my God, what the fuck are you do driving motorcycles for? And I was like, Tom's never ridden one before, but I told him, you can do what the fuck?
And I'm like, OK, so we got into this jujitsu. What the fuck it was. That is fun.
Any times I had so much fun and I was the go to everyone called me everyone I know.
Me too. I just and also like anybody listening, like if you know, someone has just had a tragedy occur, like don't make their life harder.
Like when people go, what's your address, what's your what's this. And don't ask me a million questions and don't be like, what's your favorite snack food. What's your what do you guys like to eat.
I'm like, oh my God, my husband's in the hospital. Two little kids. I don't care about you right now.
Just send them well wishes. Hey, I heard this happened. I'm sending you love and light. You know, here's here's some flowers. Great.
But don't ask question. It was just like I'm not going to answer what happened to him.
How did that happen? When's he going to come? I'm like, dude, not right now. Look, let me give me a minute.
It was kind of disheartening to watch me in the E.R. with Tom and watch his phone blow up in mind, do nothing.
I was like I was with him. I saw it like, are you going to worry about me? Yeah. By the way, my feelings.
The way he attacks life is so different than me, like he does not. Let's talk about he's not afraid of shit like he was like he was just very much like this is what we got. I mean, I maybe everyone in that moment is like this is what we've got to do. But like, he just was like. Let's do it and whereas I what do you mean, like he's injured, let's call nine one one zero one. Let's go to the hospital.
Let's get on the let's call that orthopedist. Let's do this. Like whereas I would have been tapped out, I would have been like, you guys need to figure this out for me.
I would have a cardiologist appointment tomorrow, tomorrow that I've been dodging because I'm like, I just don't want to deal with it. We you got to go do that.
I know that's your by the way, I didn't cancel it because I was in the hospital with Tom and they rolled someone in who had a heart to heart.
It had had a heart attack. And I was like, and I remember this this older black woman with this appointment, I'm going to have a CT scan. It checks out all your calcium in your in your blood. So tells you if you can have a heart attack or stroke and it's a preventative.
She said to me when I walked in, I love an older black women give you advice. Oh, my God.
They're like sages. It's dog and or getting validation from an older black lady. Don't you feel like it means so much more if they tell you you're funny or not?
I left when I left the hospital and I said to the nurse, I said she was an older black woman. And I said, hey, just a heads up like, thank you for everything you're doing. And she was like, I'm not going to do the voice. But she laid it on his ears.
It sounded like she was like, Honey, that is everything I needed to hear today, like she was. But she had like a real like she put it on for a little spin, a little English on it with a little bit of attitude. And it got me so emotional, I almost cried. But this woman at Cedar Sinai, it's scanning was at the front desk and she said I was nervous the first time I ever did the CT scan.
And I said, I don't want to be here. She goes, Why? I said, I don't want to find out bad news. And she goes, Honey, it's better to be walking through those doors than rolled through this.
That's why I'm sitting with Tom, who is just like I mean, really kind of on it and dialed in to like, let's move things forward fast. Yeah. Whereas I'd be like, fine, just load me up with drugs.
I'm cool. Yeah. Put me in the corner. I don't need anyone, I just don't want to deal with this. And I they rolled someone into it, had a heart attack and I went, OK, I'm definitely getting my C.T. scan, I'm definitely seeing my cardiologist. I'm definitely losing weight. I'm like everything was definitive, like I'm going to stop drinking this month. And I hadn't drank. I was like, I'm not drinking this month.
I'm going to get healthy. This month I'm going to lose weight. My joints, all our joints are fucking my body wasn't meant to. I said, like, how could something like this happen? And someone goes to the doctor. He looked at me, he goes, you know, you're not supposed to be 250 pounds like look like.
And I was like, dipshit. Yeah, he was a good but fuck, you know, your body was except for that, like you're putting like it's like almost all of a sudden I looked at my body like one of those Mad Max Thunderdome where I just keep stacking shit on top of it. And they're like, we meant this for like a one bedroom. Like you can't just add to this.
Yeah. And the wear and tear. I mean, once you hit 40, it's a different ball game. And I've had two children too. So your body just gets so warped and you have to really start taking care of it.
Now, you could trash it in your 20s and your 30s after forty.
You got to start rethinking. I've been tracking it up to forty eight pretty aggressively.
I'm looking for a little bounce back.
I'm like I, I, I'm praying, I'm praying that like the damage I've done because I get, I get cardiologist appointments every year I go to every nine months you go every night and how are you, how is your pushing this one since like because you're afraid of your mortality.
And I had a cardiologist appointment in June. My blood pressure was good. OK, but he's like, we need to you need to get back quick because I want to do a CT scan on you and I want to do another C.T. That's like they put you into a into a CAT scan machine.
They just basically scan all your veins. So stay on arteries so that if there's blockage, they find it and they can clear it up so that you don't have a stroke. And my biggest fucking fear when I'm partying on the road in the tour bus is I'm going to wake up and my face will be thin and my arm won't work. And that's it.
And that's that's when you're done and you're like in some town where the doctors aren't great. And then. And then. Yeah.
And you guys like barbecue, like you guys are eating nothing but like fatty salty meats at midnight and it's good.
I'm not going to lie. You're the guy. What's his name. Dave Williamson. I mean, that fuckin barbecue son.
And you're like, go, go, go. I mean, yeah, it's a recipe. Certain thing I don't even like, like.
And then your brain greenlights them. Does this ever happen to you or your brain starts going like, hey, man, just, you know, it's spring break. And so you're like like you want a beer. You just got out of the U.S. ran kill a get in the pool.
That's my problem, is that I reward myself like I'm really, really good. And then I'll be like, I just lost two pounds. Why should it cake now? Like, it's so stupid.
Like I have earned those cookies because I just lost two pounds. Like the fuck is wrong with me today.
I was like, OK, like can I not to dial everything into Rogan, but Rogan lives a very healthy lifestyle. But he also like moderate, but he also has fun. Right. And that's the goal is to be able to go where he has been. I don't know. I don't even really know. People have like a glass of wine with dinner. I mean, that sounds like a joke, right?
I don't know. What do they do to stay in their teeth? Like, why the fuck would you have a glass of wine?
I've water every fucking dinner or drink a bottle and enjoy it and write a fucking joke. I don't. And a glass of wine, I think people who drink decaf coffee, you just stand in your teeth like, what the fuck are you doing right now? I agree. I don't understand people that don't get any.
Yeah. Like, I don't like to feel like I'm dieting.
And what I'm doing is I'm eating straight up lean proteins and greens. That's it. That's it. You're doing Landgate.
Yeah, I'm down whatever, 13, 10, 12, whatever.
I'm down to 14 pounds right now. What do you have for breakfast? I haven't.
So I'm also I'm also a factor mentioned fasting, fasting until noon. And then I have my lap, my dinner at eight kind of fast till noon. And then I have two meals.
I have a lean protein and a green and but then I have this metallic taste in my mouth with no pleasure.
It's like I have I suck the robot's cock and I'm just going, you know, ha ha.
And then my brain's going, oh, we're not treating ourselves today. We're sitting watching a movie with nothing in our hands, nothing in our mouth.
Thank God for fucking liquid goddamn death. I've been raping these hands.
I mean, fucking this is just so it's totally it's just this one soda water. I've already drank all my water, my water.
But that's the thing is that because I'm the same way where I need to be putting something, I got to put something in my mouth to feel like life is worth living.
But that's keeping us fucking overweight, too skinny.
People just have metallic taste in their mouth all day. Yeah. And they're just like, well, they don't use their mouth for good times.
They just don't understand what good times are, you know what I mean?
That is the funniest state. They don't use their mouth for good times.
Yeah. We associate Wheating says we use our mouth for good times using our mouths and heads like nobody's business. Yeah, but like, what do people do for fun then?
Like, how am I supposed to feel joy over fun. Oh, God. Like, you know, you're not using the way you are used, but like what do people I don't know, but I don't I like so much. I hope to eat so. Me, too.
And I, I think about my next meal all the time.
I've been thinking about my two meals the day that I get all day, all day in and in the chicken, in insta pot. She, you know, I made chicken and I go, she already picked my meal for me.
Let me I wanted to be precise about it, but I'm guessing that that's not healthy.
Like and then at the end of the day I'm like, OK, my kids are in bed. This is when I should drink my wine, you know, watch the crown alone. And but that's not I guess normal people don't you're not supposed to do that. You're not supposed to be like, what can I put in me now to make me feel better?
So what do they do? What you're supposed to feel better on the inside without putting something. Ask Chris Larsen.
Chris, you don't drink or eat your feelings. What do you do to feel fine and good that life is worth living?
And I just, you know, hang out with my friends. I play games. I mean, that's about it.
OK, you do know you know what I feel like? I feel like he's in The Matrix right now. Like, you know, there's a life out there where you can get high with your friends and drink with your friends and eat with your friends. You can I can take what you do and double down on it and make it even more fun.
It is so much more fun when you're drinking so much more fun.
I don't understand, like like, you know, Patton Oswald said something that was like almost like like the weirdest statement I've ever heard. I did a podcast with him right when the pandemic broke. And I said, it's been nice to slow down. And he goes, Oh, I've never had the excuse. I've never been to allow myself to excuse. And I thought I was going to say to get fucking blackout drunk by myself. And he said to sit and just read.
And I went, Oh, what?
Yeah, I thought, you're going to say, suck your own dick. I would be less shocked if you said, I've been trying to suck my own dick. And now since the pandemic, I can really focus on it. I can do it.
He's been practicing. He's been read hours a day reading. Reading. Well, that's the thing. I tried to be productive at the beginning of this, but then my base animal instincts, like the anxiety kicks in. And then I think I'm just trying to quell feelings. I don't like having them. So when this happens, I was like, oh, oh, I'm zayani next to take care of things.
Course I did too. I took I took my gabapentin and I took with gabapentin.
Oh, if you go to a psychiatrist and they can prescribe you the ghost of Xanax is like always those two steps ahead of me with anything that I've got to get in there because they can prescribe you like really good shit that's good for you because Xanax is like the escape hatch.
If I take Xanax, it means I'm at a twenty.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Osada twenty this morning I said, Juliann, I'm tapping out and last night and I went into the bedroom sober because it's because I can't if I start spinning that I'm never falling asleep. So I'm like I'm tapping out. I go into the bedroom sober. I watch, I listen to my new favorite podcast. I send at the time. Which one? The dictators it is.
So I'm so into it now because it's fucking great. And that is the greatest podcast. I am obsessed with it. Yeah. Dude, a Japanese people have dodged being the horrible humans they were.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just, they were so bad during war. Not Japanese people here but Japanese people in Japan. Japan was set up racist. Japan and Germany were the same shit. They were identical. Yeah. And Germans got took a bullet like you guys are racist fucking this. Not all the bad.
And then they're like and then the Japanese people, you know, just the Japanese were savage, savage savages.
I mean, like they would beat. I've learned so much. I'm blown away with Kim Jong Il. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm not so ill. Am I doing this motherfucker.
Yeah, he I mean it's good stuff I'm amazed with.
Can I tell you what my obsession is right now? I'm trying to think of a way to work it into a joke. Is regime control. Hmm.
So in order so just so everyone knows, in order to maintain a regime, you've got to keep your foot on the neck of your people. Yeah. Because if you ease off, they're going to revolt and murder you in a way you're not going to like.
Yeah. In a way you're not going to know what to do because now I'm obsessed with Papa Doc. Yeah. Yeah. And then I started going, like, I'm going into you.
I can't wait till he does.
Sierra Leone stollen. I'm stoked for Stalin.
I can't wait to hear that Holon wanted to be Barstow's with Hitler. Really? Oh, you've gotten there yet? Well, no, no, dude. I'm Centineo Kim Jong Il right now. Oh, it's so good. I was like, oh yeah, we'll be best these suck. This can't him. I'm fucking Hitler.
That should not be pulled out. Shut the fuck up. No, I'm not isolating it for sure.
Can I tell you what happens to me. That was so rad. So this whole weeks been a shit show.
Horrible. I'm in the hospital with Tom. It's a day's getting discharged from the hospital. He's going to the recovery center. Yeah.
And I was like, you know what? Let's treat ourselves. I'm going to order some fuckin Matsue. He's like, this is like to me, it's like the best sushi in Los Angeles. Nobu Mutsuki.
He's the guy that invented hamachi jalapeno miso. The guy's a fucking genius.
Love it. I love it. So I ordered, like, just a spread, bro. I'm like, you're going to shit after this whole me fuck these laxatives.
Like, what a shit you're going to shit. And I get everything and I have a fuckin hand roll like a spicy tuna, just beautiful animal.
And I bite into it and this is what happens. Go ahead and bring up my Instagram. You know, I have veneers. Oh, my God, I have in years that happens. My right fucking venire pops off into the hand roll and I'm like, you got to be shitting me, they're going to discharged from the hospital in two hours. I need to be there for him so I could go run down to the dentist. It's so painful.
They have to inject it.
And it's horrible. Oh, my God.
And then I had to do that all in one day and then watch my husband get put on a gurney into the ambulance. And it was horrible. Yeah. Like when did you get veneers?
OK, so I knocked out my teeth half my tooth as a kid, so I always had to get bindings, OK. And then five or six years ago I decided to go upgradation and get veneers and they looked great. But the problem is they're only 40 percent bonded on your tooth because of the nature of how they have to shave down the teeth under. So the likelihood of that happening is a lot. I'm surprised it hasn't happened more frequently.
I've lost a number of openings and I have veneers, Rosebraugh, veneers, the difference because are those knocked out entirely?
You know, those are those there are teeth there, but are remnants of teeth. Right. Like they shave them down.
I have to get a crown put on my back, one that I have been dodging. I've been like I told Tom, how long has it been?
It's been, I want to say eight months since I've needed to put this crown on. And I keep going. Just keep putting it off. Keep putting it off. And I see someone like you or Whitney that I go, Whitney does this like she goes, I'm sick. I'm going to the doctor. And I go, I just learn that.
No, I just learn that. I just learned that. Right. Nadav, we talk about this. I wear my mom's at that. I just learned that people go to the doctor like and they get antibiotics and then they get better, faster than if you ignore it. Yeah, I know they don't.
So they just go, oh, I'm getting sick. This is cancer. Let me just get it from everyone. Yeah. And then I'll wait until I get better and then go, you know what I had for the first time.
What a physical this past year. I never did that. Never, never, never showed up in work out clothes.
This isn't like oh it's. Oh wait.
So you know, Tom got a call on a colonoscopy. Yeah.
We didn't even get the results of that yet because this tragedy happened.
We got the results yet because it happened and then it happened right before Thanksgiving and then they were like Thursday you'll know. But then this whole thing happened. So we haven't even heard.
I don't know. He could be dying of colon cancer, too. But I want to know right now. Yeah.
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I'm getting a colonoscopy because of shut up because of him, because he did it and I was like, I should get one just because you're your best. He's doing well. No, because he's. I just don't understand people who go.
I see a problem. I take care of a problem.
Yeah. You need one yet, I think at 50 you have to start getting them unless your target is actually below the age of 35. And so, you know what a good one.
I was like, no, but he also has explosive, intermittent diarrhea, like inexplicable diarrhea.
And we're like, I've been nagging him for seven or 10 years because every shit sounds terrible.
But like I hear his they're called shits. They shouldn't all be disaster. Those are bowel movements. Once it's all good bowel movements.
When you shit you shit like shit, do you get koka under the lorem was my first joke on my special big boy.
Yeah I, I have blowback when you look at it. He looks like he's our friend.
Yeah but why does it push. You push hard to push real hard.
I push. I like. But why is it because you don't have enough fiber. Like is it hard Kakha that you need.
Well you know what's funny is when I eat, when I don't drink it goes away entirely. Yeah. When I don't drink I actually have my voice back. Today I was singing there's parts of my out my new hour where I need my voice and if I'm partying and on the road my voice just isn't there. And I just, I just have been forcing it and hurting myself. Today I got off the treadmill. I was like here was like, what the fuck is that?
Here's the two jokes that I needed. That's me, right?
I can never get high and I can't get that either.
It's a dolphin joke. So.
So do you think these like these months off of partying and exercising? Like, is this what's sustaining your life?
Because when you're on the look, bro, I'll tell you what, Nadav, when I came in. Yeah, the the night after working with the two of the boys at the drive in show, and I lived like you, I went on your tour bus when you guys were performing.
I drank two cans of rosé or whatever, and then I ate the barbecue that that Matt Matt Wright, Dave Dave Williams made. Yeah. How did I look when I came in the next day?
You were all across Vados Barbassa. I was fucked up like I was like I'm so hung over. My head hurts. I feel like I'm dying inside and like you do that every night.
Every day, twenty three nights in a row, like I go hard, like when we do these tours, it's every single night and you're doing two shows a night, you're partying like that until 5:00 in the morning. You sleep until 3:00 in the afternoon. You get lunch, you take a nap, you try to run it. You know, that's terrible. I was thinking today, today I'm on the treadmill. And I was like, and I'm running really fast.
And I go, I go. I wonder why. I wonder if. I wonder if. This year, which has been the hardest on my body, because the touring mikovits a little more bearable because you have to be on the bus, right? You have to stay on the bus. You're living on the bus. Yeah, I go. I wonder if running saving my life because I did run. I'm nine hundred twenty five miles.
I would think that running at your weight might be bad on your body right now.
My muscles are built up because they've been carrying around a fat guy and I lost 15 pounds. My body's like my body's like who.
What the fuck happened man. We should sing on this treadmill. I mean I feel so good today. I felt so fucking good.
Did you take a swimming pool shower or did you share and tells me that I. So gross. You really are.
The gnarliest swimming pool is so cold right now. Hold on. I have so many other things I can't believe. I just fucking thought ok. What. Where my mom's at, I hardly I have Hadley on on that show several times, and she's said she loves that more than any oh because she's a she and I jam.
She's a fantastic guest. She's so interesting. I've heard that, yeah, you don't actually shower after exercise, that you just jump in the pool and you think that a chlorine bath is adequate.
I say yes, first of all, OK, it depends on my day. Like like like, uh, but yeah, I think a pool is a shower, I think. Technically, OK, and do you think that do you think that you might like would that have an adverse smell like what does that mean? I mean, she didn't say anything.
So that's a smell that bad. I'm not a big speller, but but I will. But I'm also very hygenic in the fact that, like I will, I also have an outdoor shower. So sometimes I'll get out of the pool and then rinse the chlorine off and I'll throw champagne shampoo in my hair. Might be OK, OK. And then do pits and pits and pussy or whatever, as we call it in our house.
Please give up of these ladies. Let's go.
I was going to tell you so Leon revealed her in her famous BJ technique on where my mom is.
And then she said that you did it to Tom and he was impressed. Loved it.
He was like, this is what gets which is kind of fucking gross and incestuous and weird now because I'm like, are you because I go to Tom, I go, are you and Burt like brothers now?
Because you guys are getting like the same snowman brothers.
Yeah, that's my brother's.
That's so gross.
And so Tom is in the hospital and that's another joke. He's like, I can't believe it. I just got this new BJ technique and now this happened and we were just on the why can't you get peaches with it in a hockey?
So he's broke it like it's the last thing in my life and with a broken arm to be like, oh, he's got that right. And freedom and government is Dick is in his leg brace.
And also that just starts racing. He's like, I'm going to give.
I think he can get hard, but I don't think he wants to like he's still and he's on so many painkillers.
OK, so let's talk about this. Yeah. How are we going to get him off painkillers and how are we going to make sure he doesn't balloon up to 400 pounds? OK, good question.
Off the painkillers is going to be pot. We're going to transfer his thing to pot. So he'll he'll be taking what landed me a post the waterfall.
Yeah, she came in bed, so they were giving me OxyContin.
Yeah, that's what he's taking. Oxy can't go to Mexico.
It's taking in I think. Yeah. And so and he's getting Dilaudid.
He's getting Dilaudid because he needs it.
He by the way he needs it because when they were giving it to him. I'm not going to take away from the story, but I will say that he was he was smiling. I still feel the pain. I'm not it's not I'm not here right now. I still feel pain.
Well, that's give him nerve blockers in his knee. And Leon said when Leon came in and I was taking them, there was a fine line between, like, my back hurts because I fell off a waterfall versus I don't want to read a book to my daughters, but this will make it better.
And so the angels came in. We were about to go camping that weekend. I just refilled Jospeh because I was like, we're going camping, I'm sleeping, or I need this. She came in and woke me up, had him in her hand, like, these are done. And I was like, What? She goes, It's noon. You took one in the middle of the night last night. And you're you're you're done. She goes go to a marijuana store and get whatever you need, but you need to go.
I need you to go to whatever Costco with me in an hour. So go get weed if you need it. And I went and got weed and it worked.
It does work, I think, to wean you off of the oxes. You don't. So does kratom. Kahar Kratom. What's that? I don't know, I know a lot of guys that are that were on pills and that Kratom was like a good get off pills thing, but it's it's. I don't know. I don't know enough about Cranham. Someone someone hit me up. If you know something about Kratom, I'm sure let's get a Kratom sponsor.
Yeah. They make great craniums.
Like a legit like vitamin, like it's a legit vitamin you can take. Kratom is a tropical tree from the coffee family native to Southeast Asia with properties ranging from stimulant like energizing, uplifting. That's cool. To an opiate like causing drowsiness and euphoria. Yeah. You know, he just needs it for pain management.
I think Kratom works well. That's good. By the way, I'm not a doctor, so don't listen to me, but. Yeah, but so OK, so Lianne's bodgies, now infamous, famous for some I got one of those was like, I am married. You're marrying that. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, who would have known, like, looking at her?
She's such a lady and but she's not she's if I can show Savitz down there and let me probably shout out to Dr. Drew's wife, she's like, yeah, you don't need to just blow them a little bit and start having sex.
Well, that's what the interesting fucking greatest thing ever. Right. But here's the thing is that I feel as though you can't you can't say it's three to five blowjobs unless there's a McGeoch.
There has to be jizz in your mouth for it to count as a full blowjob.
It's not it's not necessarily a pair. It's an appetizer, if you like, blah, blah, blah.
And I thought I like, but I've been doing that for centuries.
I don't get credit on the appetizer Liana's. I've been doing that for centuries. If she goes down there, she's having a meal, she's staying. Yeah. She bugs and she puts a crab on and goes, all right here you go.
Now how many bearing upon how many times a week is she doing the beach on you.
I forget now and every time we have sex I get a little starter one. I swear it's the greatest.
Are you guys how much are you banging right now? Your kids are not more than average. We did it this weekend. That's nice. But she. Oh, the thing is, is that for me.
I was not enjoying sex as much as I used to, and I couldn't figure out why. And then when Dr. Drew's wife's technique, Susan's technique comes in and I get it almost hit, it awoke everything down there. And I was like, oh, this is like foreplay. Yeah. I never look for players like, that's fucking stupid. Let's just fuck. Yeah, I'm. Yeah.
And but now I'm loving it. I'm loving it. And her new body, she's skinny. So great.
You know, I really you could just get some plastic surgery. I'm getting some filler. Dude, I got to tell you something.
Will this pivot. I'll say sure. Sure. Um. I can't say, because if I say it, then I'll I'll then you'll go, oh, is that what you're talking about? So I can't say it right now because all I can say is just what are we doing?
Don't quit. Quit dancing because I like the person and I don't want to say it when I can't, but I can't. There's no filters.
OK, ok. We're not going to say who the person is. I know because I know the person is already.
Yes I do. I just saw this person OK. And she is the hottest person but she's.
Yes. Stunning. But she's also had a little plastic surgery I think. Is that right. Yeah, I saw it up close. I was like, I like it. I actually like it.
She looks like she's twenty. She and she's older than me, fucking hot.
And the body is like she looks like a twenty three. That's genetics too.
Because medic's she was high like that at twenty like her body at twenty was not my body 22.
I'm saying like the bitch had muscle, like she was toned as fuck already. I actually think her body got better. I think so too because you lean out you get oh the paper over here.
Oh OK. Well if you got the name you got the name share in the comments section.
Let everyone know who we're talking about, but don't let her know for real. No I think not. Let her know so.
So Tommy Barnes is probably not going to be able to get in studio for a minute. I mean, he can't bend his knee for six weeks. I think.
I think he shouldn't push it. No, what I mean, I definitely want him on studio for the live gig on New Year's Eve.
I think that's what we're going to shoot for, is to have him for the live gig. Right. The live show on New Year's Eve, which is going to be amazing.
I'm going to fight every so awesome. We first of all, we like I don't know if you know this, but Tom and I wrote porns. Do you know this? Well, he was like, yeah, he did ask for a little suggestions. And I was like. Yeah, but I only led him to an idea that he was toying with for years, we've been talking about this topic for years. I didn't come up with the idea.
I'm saying I go time. Remember that thing you used to say a lot, do that.
So it's so funny. Is I. I wrote mine, but I couldn't give it to me, Leon doesn't like porn, kind of like turn's shut her down for whatever reason. I don't know. There's certain things about the end. Like she like she's not a she she likes to get loose during sex, but she doesn't want to feel like a whore.
She's a lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Southern Belle. And so I couldn't give her my porn. And so I was like I wrote this porn and I loved it. I was so excited about it that I was like and I was like, I by the way, I have like a movie in development and I'm not reading that script. I'm writing a porn. And my agents were like him. And I said it to my agent. So I was like, like, have someone read this the thing, you know, like what the.
And I was like, I'm not directing it. I just wrote it. And they're like what I said to the job. And I waited for him to reply back with. And he didn't reply for like a day until I ran into him. And he's like, I was really funny. And by the way, so we have porn's that we're going to be debuting now.
I want to see it. You can see my porn. Yeah. I love to watch you see my porn right now.
You guys can't see each other as porn. Still two bears live on.
This one's not going to tell Tom. I'm not going to tell Tom. I love that as a rule. Do you have it here now? I mean, yeah, I have a copy of the I mean, look, we didn't film it.
Yeah, we're in the casting showing up. We got me of a casting call. I have some ideas, but but I had so much fun writing this on our live thing. We are going to air both of our oh, Whitney Cummings. Let's see what I have to piss really bad. I'll talk to Whitney. I wish I had a diaper on.
Hey, I'm doing two pairs. One cave. Hi, Wendy. Yeah, no shit. How did you know that? LeAnn No, that's push. Tom's in the hospital, so she's my co-host. Hey, you want to come co-host two bears, one cave live with or two bears. OK with me this week.
My grandmother dies. Come on. Whitney actually would rather kill myself. You sick would rather have sex with you. I keep making eye contact with you the whole time, Whitney.
I'm actually, you know, I'm going to say yes, you know, I'm going to fucking cave and say yes.
Here you sit. You saw that. We were just talking about you. We were. You were just talking about me. Yeah. Because I was like, what kind of I'm going to put you on the camera so people can see you, but what kind of person takes what gets sick and then goes, I will now go to the doctor and fix this as opposed to goes.
I'll just wait and find out an adult. Yeah, well, I mean, we're talking about Whitney.
When we said to me she gets her beautiful. Well, you seem really excited to talk to her. I love her. You know, I'm obsessed with IUPAC. I love you. Hey, you too. Oh, my God. They glued it right back in. It's back in.
My veneer fell out. I was eating sushi for a while. Always held me. Always listen. How do you stay a little diamond. It would be I some three stripes for Adidas. So listen, how are you skinny.
What are you doing. Because Brett and I are trying to what do you do.
What kind of called peptides and refuses to respond to the text messages.
No, no, no it's not pet. But what do you eat though? What do you are? You know, it's the peptides. It's one hundred percent peptides he's talking about.
I don't want to inject anything into myself. OK, you want to go to the gym?
No. Hell, no peptides. OK, ok, give me give me the number. I want to do this.
OK, but don't waste my time. I'm not going to waste, I'm not going to respond.
I'm not going to waste your time cos she's so bossy and Tom wasting mine is my biological clock is ticking, my brains are turning into dust and you guys ask for help. I give it to you and then you don't fucking take it.
I'm going to take it, I'm leaving and we'll get you pregnant if that's what you're asking for. Good luck.
Hey, Whitney, I need to talk to you about something and then I'll see you around in like twenty minutes.
You know, why am I always. Why am I always on your schedule? Ba cut me where you. I'll call you. I do need to talk to you about that thing.
I tell you what, I will see you on Instagram, you know, chasing a rat in your yard and sitting in a bucket of ice.
Yeah. All right. I'm on your schedule. Relevant content. I challenge you, I believe turning my call.
But then when you call me from two bears, one cave, I have to fucking jump down the fireman's pole. That's true. Are you still studying?
Is my insta story only do it for Christina's children. Yes. I think you can go to dive.
Thank you. Hey, Tom is going to need peptides real quick. He is going to balloon up to 400. I know, but you're not going to he's not going to respond to me that I'm detecting. And then I know. Harassing you guys to live long. Why do you.
You sound congested. What's going on? You have a sinus infection from the construction in my house.
Oh, now I'm getting the surgery. What?
She signs up for a fucking surgery. What surgery for what?
A sinus surgery for a deviated septum.
Oh, my. They had a nose drops and I have to go get a nose and nose job, and I'm afraid it's going to look like that's cool. I have a nose job. Wait, what are you going to.
Are you going to actually change the shape of your your nose is perfect like a laser. It's just like a laser inside. We do have a deviated septum. Yes.
You snore right out of your aesthetic.
I know you have a deviated body.
I know I'm actually really skinny right now. Are you? Yeah. I'll send you nudes in a second. Oh, my God.
All right. We're going to wrap this up. We love you. Feel better. It helps feel better. Oh, my God.
For life so fucked because you're their godparents when you cancels you out.
Oh my gosh, she really abuses you have a touch and go relationship. I know. She goes she goes in to Kelly Clarkson the other day and like the thing about Whitney is she is such a ballbuster, it doesn't turn off. And this poor guy has got a picture of me up and she goes, can you fucking delete that? And the guy's like she's like he just bothers me.
He bothers me. And the guy's like their thing and just I'm like, he doesn't know her friends, Whitney, like, tell them, you know, me or something is triggering me.
So she likes to trigger you. It's just like she sent a video I think to us where she was checking into the hospital or E.R. to get a coba test. Did you see this video?
And and the guy goes, oh yeah, I saw Brett Chrysler, Brett Brett Krischer in here. And she goes, Who? Brett Krischer it. She's like, am I more famous than them? Like, it was a contest to see who was more.
Yeah, well, I mean, look, whatever she means.
Well, she loves you. Yeah. Yeah. I think you guys have a sibling relationship like we do at the end. I remember LeAnn one time was like we were just in the front yard busting balls. I mean, Whitney and the girls were there that we're playing with our dogs. And LeAnn, like, if you ever do a sitcom, she needs to play your wife. Yeah, like, definitely. And then she stops and she goes, you can't fall in love with her.
I was like, you think I'd fall in love with Whitney? She goes, Everyone falls in love with Whitney. She just is she's a she is a very like nurturing. She's Whitney is pretty fucking awesome person. Yes. Like it.
And you know, it's so funny as a comic, especially as a female comic, you have to you it's the second as a guy and it's weird.
It's a flip. I think maybe as a guy when you show softness or weakness or vulnerability, people applaud you. When Rogan cries about his dog or putting on dog, everyone's like, fuck, yeah. But if you're a woman when you cry, everyone's like, oh, come on, man, you know, it's such a flip. And so a lot of times women like you were like, I don't want to cry about Tom. And I was like, he's your husband.
You're allowed to. And you're like, I know, but I don't want to. Whereas if I cried about Tom, I would be like, that's what friendship's about.
It's really meaningful because they're really they must be closer than him and his wife. I know it's the fucking weirdest.
Yeah. There's a different set of rules for ladies and gents there were there. Oh there are. But I'll tell you some you know the especially now that you white guys are going out of fashion, I think that I start to appreciate white dudes more.
Now, I have to tell you, like, I kind of like being a second class citizen.
I don't want to be in first position like you guys let you guys run everything. I'm fucking happy being home with my babies and like, baking cookies and shit.
Like when Tom's out making the money, I'm like, yeah, go. That's what I get the best of everything. The world.
That's what I love about great females transitioning to men is I want to go like, hey, you're a white guy. Now let me help you out. This will be a tough race. Here's the rules, right?
Like Eliot Page, Eliot Page, I want to hit like like, hey, welcome to the team. I'm a big fucking fan. For the record, I hope to God. I swear to God. I'm so happy that I don't that's the weird thing is I don't give a fuck if anyone transitions at all fucking.
Who's this now? I'm not kidding.
You're so popular is driving me nuts right now. I'm so angry at him. You know, I'm not telling him. And if you're watching this already, I already talked to you and you'll notice I've told you. But and it's not because you drugged me.
The he I love.
I don't care when people transition like I and I understand that you need to announce it. I get it. And I totally understand. It's like, yeah, I want to be called. You don't want to be called a dude now. And so I'll be called a dude and I'm cool. I'll call you dude.
You give a fuck up a little bit. I fucked up a little bit with Elliot the first day because I was kind of excited. And my favorite shows, Umbrella Academy. I love Umbrella Academy and he has an umbrella academy. And I my only question was like, this isn't Puckapunyal Academy.
Like, I'm like like, no, not today. Like, if it does, I'd rather your happiness be the first, but you're awesome.
And and you know how long he plays. He plays a woman in the show. Does is this on Netflix? Because I don't watch anything.
He does play a woman which was used to be totally normal.
And you're not allowed to do that now, though, because that was my fucking problem. It's whitewashing. You can't have a dude play a chicks role. Yeah. And I'm like, fuck, don't, please, please.
Can everyone just feel like it's going to put our rules on hold? Umbrella Academy is pretty awesome. Like, let's let's I understand that Scarlett Johansson can't play Scarlett.
That girl can't play. She can't play a woman transitioning to a man. Why not. She can't. It's it's whitewashing white. Why she played an Asian woman. I don't know why she did. She played a lot of them.
Well, because we used to people used to play Asians and stuff like Breakfast at Tiffany's.
And that's recently of style. I can't do that over the top. I know. It's so.
So to. The point where you're like, oh, my, oh, my God, but remember the movie Soul Man, that was. Do you remember that movie? Yeah.
Are you kidding me? Yeah. You know, like his dad took his college fund to buy a boat.
And then he just and you know how he gets that color.
He takes a bunch of tanning pills, self tanner pills and and then so that's how he becomes a darker skinned and it's so fucked up because he has such white gay features like it's the whitest guy.
Like they couldn't pick somebody who could actually make Michael Hall for like you think about playing a black dude high in the back of a fucking car.
Science is my chicks can hold. Oh, my God.
You're right, Anthony. Michael. Good game to play.
Michael, when he was younger, could have played a black dude.
I disagree. I think I think Anthony Michael Hall today because let's see him today. Throw features. Yeah.
Now he could be a more God. He did not age well. But no one does. By the way, it's brutal, OK, to type in. Can I tell you who I met one time? And I was like, I don't mind aging that way is Rick Schroeder.
I was just thinking about him. Rick Schroeder, he's got his is hot. He looks like a cowboy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gray beard. Gray beard. Gray beard. All right. All right. All right.
You had such a crush on him growing up, remember? Silver spoons.
I had a fucking I shouldn't say me too, but I wanted to be Rick Schroeder growing up. Yeah, me too. I wanted to bang him and ride on his train. Remember, he had a train that ran through his house.
I got an ID bracelet for Christmas because Ricky Schroeder in in Silver Spring, MD bracelet he gave his girlfriend. I'd like to wear them on my list for Christmas, but I was like, I think we got a good guy.
Who is your crush growing up? Oh, who's your cartoon crush? We talk about this. I wear my mom's at, like, my cartoon. Like, remember growing up my first crush was on Mighty Mouse.
I have, like, a weird thing for Minnie Mouse.
I was four or five years old and I just I was so in love with him and like, you don't even know what sex is at that age. But I would just imagine him like. Yeah, like I would imagine I was the girl and that he was like, so strong and he'd carry me and stuff.
You kind of married a mighty mouse. I know. Daddy's gonna be like, all right. I had a crush, I never had cartoon crushes, but I had youthful crushes on the bugler's. Uh huh, vaguely. Bogalusa was. Oh, my God, this is all jammed broke the fucking girl from the Bogalusa. I had a hard any time she got tied up, I was working. Oh, I've heard about this.
I've heard about your tie up in your quicksand, quicksand. And I think.
Yeah, Wonder Woman, the boogaloo. The Sam from the. What was the. No. I know it well. Yeah. By the way, Alyssa Milano. So I still have a fucking crush. She's the best. I still have a crush on her.
Sam from. What's Nell typing Nell Carter's give me a break, give me a break, Sam from give me a break. Sam from give me a break. Give me a break. Now I know what it takes.
That dude I had on. Right, she had braces. Oh. Oh, I had.
Yeah, I remember. That was great, I loved such a crush on her, that's your crush you're going to crush. OK, what about Charles in charge, Nicole? You know what I mean?
Everybody's boy crush. I think I met her in real life. She was, but I don't remember. She wasn't on the radar for me back then.
Look how cute she was. You weren't into blondes. You were into grumpy brunettes.
Wow. She is fucking she. How old is she in this? Before I go? She is so hot. I did that to a Kardashian one time. I was like, God damn it, she was even hotter, younger. My wife, like she's thirteen.
And I think she was like, OK, I remember saying to is is is Selma, Selma Gomez, Celine, Selena Gomez old enough to jerk off to.
And she was like I was like, I'm joking kind.
OK, 21 Jump Street. Johnny Depp. Oh my.
I had a life sized poster of this fool in my room when he went. Judy was so fucking hot. Look at him in that era.
Look at him. I mean, this guy's always been good looking. He's, what, 1918 there.
Look at his hair.
Oh, my God. That's a poster I had thick. He's so rad. He's gorgeous being a gorgeous features. I know he's gorgeous, stunning the like.
OK, so if you had to be part of a group of guys. Right, like no meeting.
Like you had to be like a part of like they had the same almost firat packed shirt, had the obviously original rap act.
But then Johnny Depp had like the well known writer. You can also be part of the one of Paltrow, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon Chunk. You can be, but you had to be part of like a Rat Pack.
I might go Johnny Depp, Richard Grieco, like that Richard of River Phoenix.
I like that one. I want I want remember feeling like tried hot girl from parenthood. That's kind of Martha Plimpton. Martha Plimpton really. I, I've always thought Martha Plimpton was sexy. Well, Martha Plimpton and and Juliette Lewis.
I like Juliette Lewis. She's weird. I like her a lot. I follow her on Instagram. She's great. I like her. She's like a rocker. She has a rock band. Yeah.
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Thank you, Lewis. No one want to be I liked, OK, this is going to sound corny as fuck, but I like the whole Phyllis Diller era of comedy. You were just telling Bob today.
Oh, I like I like the I like that time.
Bob Newhart and and Don Rickles were best for love. I love that energy.
Like, I love that they go that they used to go to lunch every day together, like at this old country club. I wish that things were still like that where it was like kind of while this I felt like Donald Trump. I wish we could make America great again where it was like, you know, white people ran everything.
People. Yeah, white guys rule the world. No, but like but like it seemed like back then everything was a lot simpler where they were like, you're going to the club today, right? Yes, I guess. See the club in the morning. I get up there, go, I go, I wake up, I leave my family, I have my coffee, a cocktail over there. Then I go to a couple of meetings. We'll go we'll have lunch.
This is totally when white guys rule the world.
Yeah. You know, I was a member of this country club, Beverly Hills Country Club, and it was an old. It was it wasn't. I'm making it worse than it was. But it was like an older Jewish country club. And I'm like, it felt like that.
Like everyone that was strictly Jews weren't allowed in country clubs. Did you know the Jonathan Club? They just let Jews in in the eighties.
Is this the Beverly Hills Country Club? This is yeah. This place was awesome. It was so great where you belong to this.
Yeah. It was actually pretty expensive and was going to say Jesus Christ, type in. Type in what it cost to be Beverly Hills Country Club. What year is this.
This was we just had Eila. Oh my God.
And I had gotten I was doing a show called Fresh Baked Video Games and I got a big paycheck and yeah I was like three hundred bucks a month. Wow. Yeah. It wasn't it wasn't horrifically not too bad.
I think we paid one seventy five. Yeah. 175 to 350 and you could take the whole family could go swimming with me and I played tennis every day with this guy Marty.
I'd fucking this old man was so much. I hope he's still alive. Probably not probably covid.
He was the first guy I ever saw ISIS Netsky is like when you're my age.
And I was like, oh, I'm there today pressing he i, I, I don't want him to be dead, but I wish he was so I could tell you stories about him because he was so fucking funny. He was so fucking funny guy.
Yeah. I used to play there every day and I loved it and I remember just sitting there and being like the old man would just come on and be like you just sit at the table and talk to them and yeah.
Like they talk about like white guy stuff like how do you make your money and write like because I don't like Tom's family.
Like they grew up going to a country club and I went for the first time in their hometown and I was like, this is crazy.
Like it's really cool. Country clubs are really cool if you find one that's not obnoxious. Yeah, I'm certain.
But if you can find one like that one was like 175 a month, it made sense for people that wanted to have a gym like he was like as opposed to getting a crunch fitness.
You joined and they had a full gym, full treadmills, a pool, and you could play tennis and it was a place to join and you could go have dinner with your family like that fucking.
But the thing I don't like is that then these people know everything about you and then they gossip because in that in that, like, small community, they can be like, oh my God, there's pressure.
And you know what he did, what happened and why.
And what he was going through a divorce. And and he he was like, I think it was like almost I don't know how old he was. I wish I hope he is alive so he could hit me up. I'd love to catch up with him.
Marty, Marty, Marty. They called Marty the magician.
But you're not going to find a lot of magicians in there. He he did.
Wait, why would you find a lot of magicians? Because I'm sure there is a Marty the magician out there. But what he did was he would save video. So video. They did a TV. This will help you find him. Exactly. OK, so, yeah, there's Marty the magician, Marty.
They had a show called Help. I'm a Celebrity. Get me out.
I remember that, OK, which is so obnoxious.
Like, oh, like I'm I'm too good to be doing stuff.
It's so weird. It is a weird. What are you on that. No, no. I wasn't even famous. I wasn't famous when that happened. But what happened is they, they lost the whole season of footage. They oh my God.
They sent it to Marty and Marty saved all the footage with his magic because he was a video guy. He was good with video. Wow.
Type in help. I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here, Marty. No way.
I swear to God, guy, I.
I wonder, what was the premise of help? I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here. Remember that fucking. I remember the title but what were they doing that was so bad they were just in the woods I think.
OK, Kathy Griffin was on it. Such a bizarre time. That was a good era of reality shows though. Memory like Temptation Island.
Yeah. Yeah. I loved, you know, the I love New York.
And did you have a hard time watching reality shows because you were on one I fucking when the real world first came out in like 93 or something to get me started.
I loved it.
I was obsessed. And then when I got cast to be. On when I was like, this is the best. And then after I still love reality shows, it's my absolute favorite genre. I love I do love, love, love reality shows. I remember my buddy Eddie Fernandez said to me, no joke. I mean, I'm talking no joke, he said. He's someone they are used to. He was he tried every year to get on real world or road rules and and he had just graduated college.
And someone says, are you still trying to get on road rules? And without smiling or making a joke, I'm pretty much putting all my eggs in that basket and we stop laughing.
But it was I wanted to get on. I wanted that would have.
Would you get on the real world or road rules are two different. The very day I would have thought, oh, I would have it. The amount I talk now, imagine how reckless I would have been in 1997.
Oh my God. Oh, they would have made you into like remember.
OK, OK. Real world, San Francisco. Remember when David pulled the blanket off.
That's real world.
San Diego. Oh, sorry. Sorry.
Are you sure. Oh my God. No, no, no, no, no. Aaron was living in that house.
Black chick who married the guy who then got a jaw wired shut, also had an abortion. Yes.
She had abortion to force it on that. Jesus, David was best friends with Dave Chappelle. Did you know that? I did know that, David. Dave Chappelle. I did my best friend.
I did know that David do standup. When I first started standup, I saw David come and do stand up.
And he went and did his Boston comedy club and he did a whole was identical to see that guy on the far right side in real world.
See how I was doing. I know that, David. Yeah. So he was in love with Kara, the casting agent. Right. That cast all of us.
So his season coincides with my season of road roles. And so he found out. Where was he? He was in Seattle.
Ringworld. Yeah. Where where the one guy slapped the chick with Lyme disease. Yeah.
Date was his name. I read David Greene called him gay and then he went, yeah, I'm not gay.
And he lived in Berkeley and I lived in San Francisco at the time. So he and I were like kind of buds. David is cool but yeah.
Like I think he got arrested for prostitution. Yeah.
He was there all trouble. This is a very troubled cast. But anyway, so, you know the to the real world and road rules people, when you're coinciding seasons, you challenge each other at the time. Right.
This is back in the day. So we went up to Seattle to challenge them and Puget Sound or something stupid.
And I'll never forget it was the first time I wore my Adidas track suit on a trip.
And I go, OK, so we're on the back of this travel bus.
And for some reason, for some reason, I end up in David's like lap because we're all like, you know, it's all this incestuous.
Yeah, yeah. And you're all partying and you're your twenties and like I'm just like laying in David's lap and I look up and he's trying to kiss me and this van. But however, he had just knocked out, oddly enough, his right tooth, just like the one I had knocked out.
But but rather than fix it, he shoved it back in and it had turned black. And he was trying to French me with a rotten tooth in his mouth.
Oh, my God. Yeah. I've never told this. Oh, my God.
I love behind the scenes stories. Yeah, I got a lot about this cast, this cast. That was a fucking volatile cast.
You wouldn't know now that you're the why it was volatile. Do you know why I. No, I don't know why it starts with the D and ends with an S. Drugs. I didn't say the word. Were they really or I'll tell you off camera. Oh, really? So here's the thing. Here's best case scenario.
If the show is long gone, I can think about one of those shows is that I would have gotten on with lunatic's and then been able to sit back in sniper talk about them.
You think so? I think I would have out lunatic people.
Yeah, well, the thing you have to be a little off to get cast. So I admit, like, I was fucking crazy, too.
But you and you and and and Shane Canada normal. The girl that you did it was Susie. Susie normal. Susie were totally fuck normal.
But they had anticipated that we would fight because I got to read my casting Bible later when I worked at Annamarie. And they set us up because she's like this Christian goody two shoes.
And I was like this like fuck. Yeah, like snarky. And they they thought we were going to hate each other and we ended up being, you know, but that's who you are.
You don't have you don't have enemies or you're not you don't funk's you know, you're just really I'm trying to think Chadwick had the big tattoo on his chest the first time I saw Doube with an aggressive tattoo.
And I was like, what it is, parents say, I think he had it removed.
I saw him in Nashville and I was like, what's up with you, Tyga? And I think he had it removed.
He's a filmmaker now. He just had a film in a festival.
Yep. He's doing great. He's married to Holly. Well, Holly, from and something after and they have children together, they ended up getting married and being happily married and they think they just moved to Canada for a pandemic.
This is a let's I hope are the gas top five. He just got divorced.
I know. I just saw that in the news. It was so much. It was one of my.
I have gotten much. I remember I remember Theo. Everyone had good gossip about that guy has had literally a fucking bag. Gallatin's skeletons.
I don't know. I mean, it was Harris. He was he was in Paris and he was a guy that could come out with he had the he should have been a fucking movie star.
Gorgeous fucking face. What a what a lucky should have been a fucking movie star. Gorgeous.
There were so many good looking. I'll tell you what. When I did the one challenge that I did do the battle of the sexes, I was the least fit, least physical person.
They're all they were all just beautiful.
Their bodies were just amazing.
And I was like, well, like I didn't belong.
I don't know.
Most successful people out of. Real world road rules today. OK, hold on, hold on top five, Eric Nese, he hosted a guy who I just saw Eric and I just saw him.
He's great. He came up with my news feed. What's he doing right now, Eric?
That's not how I spell it. Oh, OK. I'm sorry. Eric Nese was. He's fucking gorgeous. Gorgeous still. Look at him.
Aged greatly. He looks amazing.
Oh, that's him. Type in the online e online. I just saw he's doing Wimar stuff. What does he do online. Straight, straight up. Straight up. Straight up. Right there. He's doing e online stuff. That's him a nice profit. And I think he came up to take down some photos from your favorite real waters. And where are they now.
Oh so he also Heather B is worthless class crossway. That's fucking super successful and no one's going to be no one's going to beat them. Is the Mizz is hit it out of the park.
Love that guy. That guy.
Talk about leaning into staying in your lane like he was like bro. There's some people I don't mean it's disrespectful to miss, and I hope this comes out good. Oh, she became a Jacinda Barrett, remember her from Real World.
And Linda is a princess or something, right? You know, she went to know she went to she went to Heather, Michael's mother.
Markle's, you know what I mean? Yeah.
Am I going to market as. She's stunning, too, and she's so talented. Do you remember the guy that got his tongue bitten off in London, the London, though, Neil? Oh, yes. I went to Oxford.
He was at Oxford the same time as I was. And I would see him at pubs and I'd be too shy to talk to him. And I wish I would have liked him. I should have liked him to.
I ran into I ran into from the first season Dom the Irish guy.
I like him as Sebastian show in at the at the forum.
And I was. Oh really.
I love I've told my God you guys I'm fucking I'm doing the casting for Tripp Flip in Long Beach and we're at the thing. Adam Devine comes up with top of talking more bullshitting. Right. And then they're like, oh, these people came up and I start talking to them and I'm talking to this one girl. I'm like, God, do I know you? And she goes, No. I was like, So you want to be on triple flip?
And she's like, I'd love to. I love traveling. And when I go, OK, have you ever done this on television? Because I have I go like watch because I do the real world. No, wait, wait.
Ruthe it was fucking Ralphie by the way. TEC nine tac tac ten tactical. What's tech doing.
Tech should be a movie star.
He's got so much goddamn career, so much talent, so much he's got.
He was in a movie Youzhny and Van Wilder. Oh shut the fuck up. He was, he wasn't being one, he was a welder or whatever doing right. He is.
Yeah he's man that guy. I put some money down on him. Yeah. He's great sort of podcast Texan. I'm doing a podcast.
He should do a goddamn podcast. Yeah. Tech money. Tech money. He's great.
I thought I was going to say about the minute he's the mesos is like, you know those guys that like I don't mean there's going to come off disrespectful.
I don't mean to be disrespectful.
You know, those guys that have like. One good idea, yeah, and they follow through with it and then they're like. I started the my pillow company, I didn't have a ton of ideas, but I'm a good zillionaire. The mess was like very much like I want to be a professional wrestler, which I think everyone thought was the dumbest idea in the world. Yeah. And then you have this and you're like, Bro, I wish everyone had that kind of vision where you're like, I know what I want.
I'm not all over the map with shit. I'm not going to go and be the host of it online. I'm not going to do I want to be a pro wrestler. And this is why I'm putting on when he did I mean, whatever it's called, the wrestling people did a like a reality show of people that want to be wrestlers. He was on it. He was fucking amazing.
He's really good. He's awesome.
I like he's awesome. And I like him is I like my person, too. I like him as he is. Yeah.
Because I think I met him one time and he was so gracious and so nice to me and I'm like, oh you're like you're just not don't think till you meet these people because I met a lot of them over the years and you're like, when there are shit bird in real life, it just ruins the illusion because I love reality.
That's what, that's what would burn me out of it because I haven't heard great reviews. But but I go. But I was such a fan.
And by the way, I don't know, I've only heard stories through the grapevine. So I can't even I've only I've only I don't know him. I've never met him. But I would have him on my podcast in a fucking heartbeat. But I'd want him to bct, you know, like I like it's the guy that you it's so funny.
It's the I think a lot of people that were in reality shows were like, no, that that's not really who I am. That's why I'm on the show.
Like Johnny Bananas I'm sure isn't that guy. I hear he's bananas, is he? No, no.
I think everything is not is not is supposed to be. I don't know him. I've only heard the stories and what I hear. He's fucking bananas. Yeah.
But I tell you, I like him so much more. Here's the thing, though, man. Is it a lot of times people that are psychos on this show, they go, oh, but they edited me together. Right, right, right. Get the fuck out. Bullshit.
Let me if you're a douche bag in real life, guess what? You're a douche bag on a reality show.
Oh, you become a bigger douche bag. Yeah. When we did last comic standing to oh my God, I did that show a couple of times.
So it's horrible. Worst experience of my entire horrible showbiz experience. Yeah. Without a doubt.
The like soul sucking. What am I doing. Yeah, I should go comedy. I should quit.
Comedy is terrible. I don't have a career. I've ruined my career. I'm having a daughter. This is and they wanted me to get into a fight with and.
Oh yeah. Who's great. I love. And I was like and they're like I'm my cool and they got me on camera. They're like well should we tell you what he said about you. Like I was like, I don't think I want to hear it. And they're like, it's pretty bad. And I was like, I think it's just going to hurt my feelings. And they're like, well, maybe you want to watch it. And I was like, no, I don't.
And I go, it's good. I mean, he's a good guy and I hope the best for him. And then I was like, oh my God, not shitting on that. But I was like, that's what you got to do. To be on the show must be a shocker. Your shit talker. I was like, I am a talker, but not like not in a bad game.
Like, oh, I'll say up. Yeah, I'll talk some shit but not like, like oh fucking the dog thinks he's all that fucking idiot.
Like I wouldn't have said that though but yeah that's right. I forget you and the dog have you guys have your own reality show.
I have, I have talked shit but it's usually like I don't know, I'm talking shit.
I'm telling you my opinion on something like I'm not advertently. I normally get in trouble for this Kevin Hart thing. And I all I said was I just all I'm saying is like, I want to celebrate Lucke.
I believe in love more than hard work. Right. I'm not saying Kevin Hart's not the hardest working dude, and I'm but I'm just saying, like, I just want to hear luck stories and I'll tell you why. I'm because I talked about it on TV and I'm always worried that Kevin's going to someone's got no one enjoys going. Actually, Kevin, here's a fair and balanced piece that Bert did on you that you should check out. And he said some good things with some bad things.
They go, do you hear this motherfucker, Bert Krischer? And he's like, I like Perton. They're like, well, he I like you. And that that's my fear. Right. But my thing is, Dane Cook said this to me one time.
I go to his house and I go, we play the guitar, we're hanging out. We go. So I think we saw Star Wars that night and then I come back the next day. But at his house, he was like, what the fuck's the point in this business? You bust your ass and nothing happens. Nothing fucking happens. I show up. I do two spots every night I'm on to show I'm killing it. I'm literally hustling as hard as I can.
I'm writing scripts. I'm writing projects. I have TV pitches. I'm online. I'm on this one.
Dane wasn't huge. He wasn't huge. And by the way, he wasn't huge for a few more years after this. But then the next day I got his house and he goes, I just got cast in a movie in in, uh, in China. And I was like, What? And he goes, Yeah, that's what I love about this business. Like a lottery ticket every day is a lottery ticket. I went, that's what I love about the business.
Every day is like a lottery ticket.
Some are a slower build, you know, than others. But like like I'll tell you right now, I'm wholeheartedly is that and I know Tom thinking this. This this slow build of a lottery ticket that we didn't know podcasting would turn into this, God bless the Lord himself for allowing us the opportunity to do these podcasts, because in a time like this, when Tommy's in the hospital, oh, my God. And we we still have income and we can still this year.
But if we didn't have podcasting, we all of us can't work. We cannot work. And there are a lot of that's luck that we got in that we did it.
Well, I mean, I don't want to. I don't I'm being asked this, but it's also I think think Joe Rogan, Joe Rogan and don't get me Tom and I broke this down. We broke down the butterfly effect of had Tom left with Charlie Murphy at that show at the Celebrity Center that we wouldn't be here today because Joe just goes, hey, wait a second.
And Tom stopped that. I think of shit like that.
That's where my head gets caught up and that's where I get to bring this full circle.
That's what's fucking me up about what happened to Tom.
Oh, you make me cry for a fifth time on the show is I go. What if I what if I just said I keep thinking this, what if I just said, hey, we got it, it's the last thing we were doing? Yeah. What if I just said, like, we got it. Don't kill yourself, man. Like, you know, I've said this to people before and wanted to say this to Tom that day.
And I didn't. I didn't.
And you will see the footage New Year's Eve and you are going to go, oh, Burt is really right. I'm not giving anything away. But I know from my television experience on camera, 50 percent looks like 70 percent. And on camera, you can't tell the difference in 70 percent. 100 percent. I know that. So, like. I sometimes when I'm doing stuff on camera, I don't push it as hard as I because of my experience on Travel Channel, watching people get hurt, I go, we're just filming this.
I know what film looks like. I know that I'm not. Someone told me about professional golf. I was like, wow, I want to play golf on TV. And then, like, just, you know, unless you are the best golfer in the world, it's really boring. And by the way, if you're the best golfer in the world, it's really boring. Yeah.
And they're like, so you don't need to go to 100 percent. And I wish I had said that to Tommy going, hey, just don't give it.
He went so hard. You'll see the footage. He went so hard.
So many times I can think of three times before the accident where I was like. Hey, man, I should have said. You should slow it up and I didn't and then because I didn't, I think of that sliding door of like now we're here.
Well, you have to understand, though, that my husband is. He's fucking excellent, do you? I mean, like, he doesn't do shit half assed, he does it the best way he can.
He was he was willing to risk life and limb. He went hard. He went really?
And but that's but that's the so that's the end of the yang of his personality. Right. The slow and steady guy. That's where the wild comes out is like shit like that. And you're like, all right, dude.
You know, you hope it goes well and unfortunately it didn't this time, and but I know that he was, but I know his motivation was purely to give a good show, you know what I mean?
Like to give a good thing. He was motivate you in anger.
There was a little bit of what I think what happened here that added to it. I'm not certain.
I think I heard stories and we'll hear on all New Year's Eve on our live show. Go to Why Image Studios, Dotcom Live Stream. We are I don't know if our tickets are on sale yet.
They will be when this episode comes out. And for anyone that's wondering, we will be playing the injury on Wii Match. But it's going to premiere on two Bears Live first. So get your tickets at why major studios dot com slash livestream and hang out with us for two years.
I will tell you. I will say. It that that sliding door effect has been fucking me up because I keep thinking of all the lucky things, and then when you see something unlucky, you're like, Oh, I know.
Now, had I just. Well, then you see accidents. You've been on the freeway. And one time I saw a car flip right in front of me. And you're like, if I had left the house five seconds earlier, I would be maybe that person, you know, and that's just.
That's just how it goes. It's terrible, but you know what, here's here's what's the good thing is that he's in a good place. He's going to get the best care. And now you guys aren't moving to Austin.
Well, and I'm off the hook for Bridges for, like for a long time, at least a year now, which is pretty great. But I.
I can't wait till we get this New Year's show is going to be so much fun because I can't wait till everything's out. And we can really just I want to see pictures.
I want to see x ray. Oh, I've been taking pictures. Just so you know, along the way he doesn't know this. But in the hospital, like I take pictures of when we moved, like there's I have a chronology. I have it in my I have found I have a few guys. Have you and Lindsay lifting him into the Syrians, into the ambulance?
I have ah, the van. I have everything. I have a video I shot.
I'll I'll send it to you. I have a video shot of me and him in the medical training.
But don't tell him because I've been doing this kind of on the DL. So he has been just for the record, he has not been a video guy during this period, you know what I mean. Yeah. Lindsay was like Lindsay said to me, he goes, if it was you, we'd have so much fucking footage.
I know you are so good at that. Are you recording every fucking minute of your life? I will go in knowing. No, you don't. You just used to it by now.
I found out that I pissed one on one together when I would scuba dive for Travel Channel. I would have panic attacks. But if I played with the camera, my panic attacks would go away.
That makes so much sense.
So sometimes when I need a little lift me up, I pull my phone out. I do a by the way, I'm sorry that I'm revealing this. I do an insta story and it reminds me of how grateful I am and how lucky I am. And I all of a sudden tap out of my bad mood. This morning I had a big fight. I talk to you about it in there.
Yeah, big thing going on. And I and I was really bad. And I got on the treadmill and I got off the treadmill and I wasn't 100 percent, but I knew I was coming here and I needed to. And I picked up my phone and I did an insta story talking about how many miles I've run this year.
And I a thought I was like, yes, I'm in a better mood.
It make it pulls me out of it. I am off Twitter replying to people.
I'm not reading anything. I hired someone to go through my Twitter, send me all stuff that's positive, and then I just repost it in comment. That's it. I don't want anything bad. And so an Instagram, I'll scroll Puerto Ricans getting haircuts all day long was obsessed with Puerto Ricans getting here.
Is this on Real's or just regular Instagram? Oh, Puerto Ricans getting haircuts for whatever fucking reason.
It is like it's like especially if like they're super shaggy and they're like they're like bangs or down like Wolfman.
I'm going to I'm going to look into this.
I'll, I'll start sending do I get obsessed with it. Obsessed with it. I'm watching a Middle Eastern dude get a beard shave.
Come the fuck off. That's your thing. Oh I don't. For whatever reason.
Hair combing and grooming. I can just watch that all day.
I watch cat cats and dogs doing funny things. I just love animals doing funny things. Anthropomorphic dog doing a person thing. God, that makes me so fucking happy.
All right, I'm going. When I find that, I'll send that to you. And I think that's kind of sweet spot. That's right. That's right. We should wrap up. This is the longest two bears on cable we've ever done, really. And this is why it's not me and pushed doing this show because we were just we, by the way, you know, we could go for another fucking three hours. No, we should just go on two episodes today.
I mean, like, we'll be back next week.
Well, let's get drinks next time you want to get sober this month. Oh, fuck. I'm so I'm going to live. OK, I want to live after watching Tom not almost live. I want I want to do I kept thinking if that was me, the doctor would be like, you have high blood pressure. All right.
It's making me more nihilistic. I got knocked my tooth and shit. I'm like, let's rock a party. Like I want to party because I've been so depressed.
Why don't you guys why don't you and LeAnn come in at midnight? New Year's Eve will be. And why don't you come in right before midnight.
We'll show you guys blowjobs and be like, is this how does it oh my God, let's do this.
Let's do this. Yeah, let's do this. What will do? I know this is a crazy idea, but we'll do the show like this, right?
And then you guys get under the table.
I want to guess which ones, LeAnn and which one's OK this year. All you got to do is go to Miami studios, backslash live stream, and that's it.
By the time this one goes topless while the other wears the shirt, Tom, tell stories in third snowmachine, there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call bagas. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call so you Beyer's on Katie.