I love when older black women give me advice for whatever reason, it resonates better. I'm certain that's racist, but I for whatever reason, when an older black woman says something to me, it holds more weight. I think it's the timing, their pace.
From now on, I'm going to get some friends of mine to talk to you instead of me because I can't get you to do shit. Hundred percent.
I could run my business so fucking easy if I just go like this is where I live my life, Drew. Yeah, I live my life. Like, what would I want. Yeah.
But which is fucked up when you have a semi addict behavior, semi, semi, semi you have anxiety disorder. Keep going bro. It is so, so finish your thought. I want to you also.
It's like, it's like all these people to go. I think everything goes through apple pay. Yeah. Apple pay. I let me tell you something, if you got a product, send it my way. If you have Apple Pay I'll buy it just off impulse. Right. By the way, I should just market to Addicks because I double click you know, I bought three axes for my finish. You finish your I won.
I just lost for Rosebowl. I want to go to Dr. Dre dot com. I want their fucking amazing. I just hose down the whole thing with the whole drama. But it's like I, I have every what's don't let it get in your eye though.
Everything I've ever, I've ever seen, it's all just really good for service. What's the thing when they put things right by the register. Impulse buy. Yeah. Yeah bro. I'm an impulse buyer. Yeah. Like that's the price for our energy drinks. You're doing those all the time. Yeah I have bought so.
Oh hey guys. New two beers. One came our guest host. Hey, Dr. Drew. Glad to be here. Drew, considering that I'm the healthiest member of your mom's house. Yeah. I said what do you what do you think? Why am I here? Because everyone's dead.
Can you believe that? You know what it is?
You know, can I believe that I was the first thing I said, what the fuck Robert and Tom up to?
Oh, man. That poor guy. He said to me last night on the phone, dejected, coming off pain pills, going through, going through a real dark time.
So he he's like, it really fucked me up not to relive this moment and beat a dead horse, but it fucked me up because it happened like that. Yeah. We were just fucking around. We were just playing basketball. We were having fun. We were giggling. And then all of a sudden, like logit tragedy struck like that.
And the idea the like the worst possible thing for somebody like you.
Oh, you already are anticipating catastrophe at every moment, at every moment. And I didn't see this one coming. And I heard it and I saw it on and I it fucked me up so bad.
I mean, literally, I've been and I've stayed away from booze this month because of it, because what happened was the second it happened, I went home and I already said, I'm not going to drink in December until the live show. And I go. Home and I call push and realize, love, push, but realize she is not at capacity to deal with this like she is not.
Well, no one was dealing in reality at that moment. No one was dealing with reality because she calls me and says she wants to put him in a hotel and get a nurse. I'm like, go to the hospital. Yeah, well, he was at the hospital beside himself out.
And so so he made it to the orthopedist, the orthopedist said, go to the door to go to the fucking hospital.
And so, you know, people would just die back in the day with these kinds of injuries. Oh, you know.
Oh, yeah. Oh, if this if this was 1975, I think he would be dead.
That night is very vibrant. 1890 90. He deafer 1960. He's dead possibly. Yeah. 1960. And he's a gimp for the rest of his life.
Oh for sure. Oh he's like got a wooden crutch and he's today's paper.
No, he's going to be going to one of those plywood wheels, plywood boards with wheels under Bush himself.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. On these I'm already setting the bar low for his fans when he goes back on tour in fall. Twenty twenty one. I think that's one more. I'll be allowed to go fucking tour again. Yeah he does. He will have a baby hand like a little like a little bit.
He'll put it in his act and he was like and then we Ellis was like grab.
What have they told him about his rehab. I don't know. I really don't. I'm joking and I don't know. But a guy did say did say I was so much of so much I. I hide secrets in my head, hoping they never come true because I overthink things, one, overthink things. You're kidding. Yeah. So hypothetically, let's say someone broke their humerus in half. Yeah. Hypothetically say their best friend saw that it was spun 700 degrees and then twisted it back so it was normal.
Would that affect someone's hand for the rest of their lives? You tried to set the bone in the field, I wouldn't say set it, I just made it so that we weren't all going to throw up. So his arm was like backwards like this under like this. It was what's it called the it was it was a Cleveland baseball team, Burne. Right. But he almost he broke it enough that it almost broke through the skin. We've got a compound fracture.
OK, close to combat inside the arm. But his arm was so that I imagine if he was like, what time is it? And he's like, let's spin my wrist 360 degrees and we'll see now. And he spun it and he was like, that's not enough. One more time it spun it again. Yeah. And you spin it back. Well, the video is going to come out. I'm sure someone shot the video. You spot it back very quickly and very, like, delicately.
I just went, we don't want that like that. And I turned it around.
That's OK. You OK? You might have actually helped because. Oh, my God, I so much panic turn Tom into a baby and have no idea. Well, it has been the biggest fear I keep.
So so here is what the problem is then. When it's all twisted like that you can cut off the blood supply and you could damage the nerve. Right now, you restored the blood supply by sending it back. I was thinking I was like, but you've got to do did put the nerve at risk? Possibly, but I figured that. But I doubt I doubt that's what he said because I kept saying he'd leave the room, get an x ray, and I go, hey, man, just out of curiosity.
And the guy's like, I'm just cleaning up next door. And I'm like, I know you've been here a while and I'm not a doctor and I'm not a doctor either.
I was like, just out of curiosity, say my thoughts. I asked everyone, I asked, can you move his fingers and stuff that you can always fingers.
But he couldn't the day of. Oh yeah, of course. Yeah, he couldn't the day. But who knows what's going on there.
But I was panicking but he can, he can do all these things and he can feel his hands stuff. Right. Let's give him a call and find out. OK. Oh. I'm sure you don't want them to do it, because if you. But we should know. We should know and I can help that. I can help the process for you. The guy the guy told me they going to take time for an x ray and the guy goes.
He's going to a compound and what you see right here, Lieutenant, I said it's complicated, he throws a baseball right handed, but he writes left handed and he goes, is he a pitcher? And I said, no. He goes on and he's blocked. And I was like, What do you mean this fucking guy cleaning up? I put all my eggs in one basket.
All right, let's get Tom get on the phone just really casually. We'll just don't like you. Go, you leave. I think you said, can you please put my arm back around? But I may have written that in my head to make myself feel better about it.
You added that? I don't know. We had a video. We will have video New Year's Eve on our live show, Why Image Studios Dot Livnat, that language studios dot com slash livestream here you did you finish your order, by the way.
What order? No, I haven't finished my order. Did did this time to upset you arbalest. No he does not. I haven't told him. Okay. Okay. Hey buddy. We're doing a live show. Hey. How's your hand doing. What do you mean? Like houses, like fingers moving, OK? Somewhat, I mean, not entirely, you know, OK, but that's to be expected, right? Yeah, I mean, it's a bruise radial nerve, so it'll take a while.
OK, good, good, good, good. Back on. Good to give you the thumbs up. Well, that's OK.
Can you can you do this. Can you make the OK symbol that the racisme.
Yeah, which had to do with Bush and can he can he put the pinkie of the family, put the pinky in the thumb together? Well, I have this glove on right now. Anything with this glove, OK. Well, you know what? We'll be back for New Year's Eve so you can go.
It won't be back by then. OK. All right.
Well, good. I'm glad you're doing a load off my shirts worrying about you. I'm just worried about you. You know, it'll come back with time. OK, good, good, good. And if not, we'll both go to rehab. Hey, do you remember? Can I tell you can I tell you the hey, what are the odds?
Melanie went to rehab before me right in that crazy.
I want to take him out partying one night to show him how it's done. I don't think he I think he's a closet like really like one of those. He's probably hardcore. Can I tell you, I wish I had a reality show called Just Before Rehab and people hit me out in the like man, I'm going to rehab tomorrow. Can we have one night where we blow it out of the water? And I'm like, that's what I'm here.
They all do that. I think it's the end of that show. They'd be like, hey, you should probably really go before me.
Hey, take my bed. OK, you can I tell you something ironic? Do you remember when I said, what if we did a challenge this year and we saw how big we can get one arm and how small we can get the other arm?
Oh yeah. Yeah, winning.
That's all right. Drew and I are really hum. And we're eight minutes and 35 seconds and. OK, all right. By time. All right.
So so no one told him that a lacerated nerve is not lacerated. No, we actually told me that. But he said there was there was bruised.
He told me it's really probably stretched and the stretching is worse when it's all out of position like that. So, again, you might have helped. That's all that matters. You might help things. So Bert restored blood supply and maybe got the nerve back in position quicker. Now, it was risky. He could have made it worse, could have hit another bone and toward it. Who knows why.
I was pretty attentive when I did it. I don't know how much setting of bones you've done.
You will see. You will see. I'm certain there's video of me spinning his arm around because I, I looked at it and I was like.
That didn't look right, and I was like, I think I'm to throw up. Oh, so here's can I. So so that happens. And I have fucking severe panic attacks, like as a result. As a result of PTSD. Yeah. There's stuff I can't talk about in life that I can't talk about in like ever to anyone that is healthy, why I because I promised, like. I don't know. I don't know. Wait, wait, wait.
I talked to my therapist about it, but like things that why not? I can't this because I don't know. It's a long story, OK? It's a huge mistake to withhold stuff for therapist. They can only do so much of your hotel. Is it bad to lie to them, Beth?
Yeah, but I don't understand.
What how about how about misinterpret his information so that it fits your agenda and then you feed that agenda to your family? Because I've been doing that also. I've been doing like using what the therapist says against your family, like like I'll take what he says and then I'll go. My wife does that. I kind of heard that. But it fits better if I say it this way. Yeah. And then you use that word against your family. Yeah.
And then don't do that like like anyway. Anyway, let's go back to this way. Well I want to say I'm going to forget my thought. All right. I'm going to remember Mom. I thought, OK. Oh, I got my thought.
OK, go. So I go leaves you. I go full panic mode and I talk to push and I said I fucking just want to drink this the night off. I just want to drink and I know that's not healthy. She goes have a beer, relax, have come over and have a glass of wine with me and then we'll help get Tom into the bed. And here's what's different about my brain, is my brain goes, that's not when we drink the guy.
Like, I know that the impulse to tap out and get the fuck away from reality is there. But you're not. My brain goes that's we're not allowed to do that. And then my brain's like, and we're not allowed to do that for a while because we know where we are and we know that this is it's like working out. It's like getting on the treadmill and hating, running and going. But yeah. But I still have to do this for thirty more minutes.
You you have that your frontal lobes functioning. Yeah. You're functioning, still functioning frontal lobes.
So I go all right. So I go down, we help push. We help Tom. Yeah. I come home. Yeah. And again it's an and by the way, that must've been horrible. He must be a miserable pain and should not have been home and all that.
LeAnn is such a cunt. She. How dare you. I'm going to come to her. You should have been there Drew. Oh tell me this isn't fun. Go ahead. Straight up cunt. Move. Oh we get Tom. We carried him from his garage to his screening room. We are me and Lindsay. Lindsay Lindsay is a twink fucking film guy.
I, I bought a lifting belt and everyone made fun of me. And then we're like, how are we getting there? I go about lifting belts, lifting belt on. Yeah, I lift it up. It's tough because his body doesn't have like definition for the belt, just kept going up and up and up until it found enough fat to mushroom. And so that's a lie. But anyway, so I carry him into the screening room. I'm sweating.
Bush has a glass of wine and a handful of fuckin grapes, and she's like, I don't know what to do. Lindsay is almost passed out from overexertion. Lianne's watching this. We get TomTom's in. So much parking brake isn't so much. His arm is not connected to the thigh and it's not even. And they didn't splint it. Right. They put the wrong splint on.
I'm sure there's no right splitting something like that, by the way. And so we lay them on the bed and everyone takes a moment to assess. And Tom is almost tears in his eyes like, oh, like, what the fuck? This was supposed to be a fun event, meaning the original day, every third day. We're not supposed to end up on this couch with four people standing around me and it's silent.
And LeAnn just goes, well, this is going to suck for a long time. And he looks and he goes, well, she goes, honey, this is going to be real bad for like a year. And we're like, hey, who the fuck?
What script are you reading from? This is like this. You don't need that. No one needs that. She goes, wow, no one's saying it. I'm saying, oh, he's going to the weight, too.
You're going to gain a lot of weight you need. And Push is handing him fucking muffins with Nutella on it.
Wow. And did you back off at all that she apologized?
What do you want me to lie? You will. Romila I'll see gator in the water.
I tell you, she's been more honest with you. I think she fuckin I like her honesty. I like that.
Oh I don't. Oh I don't like her honesty. You don't. Oh I do. Oh no no no no no no no.
LeAnn, it's our country that brutal. It's honesty. Yeah. It's not cattiness. That's. No, no, no. It's uh. It's. It's not empathic failure, right? She's not really appreciating what the impact of her words are. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's that can't stop it.
Oh, I have so much I could share.
I'll tell you, I still want to know what you're not telling your therapist. Hang on. OK, we're going to. But I when I first went on a date with the man or I was in a play and we were dating for less than four months, I was in a play and my first play, I'd never been in a play. I wonder I'm not even a really great actor, but I'm better now because I can because I used to think about acting.
Now just go, oh, it's like a reality show. We just talk. Yeah. Yeah. And so isn't that funny how reality is becoming the measure of acting? It is. I'm such a good actor now. Like I said, Rosario Dawson, I'm not an actor. And she goes, you just hosted an entire series where you read the words and you read everything. And I went, Yeah. She goes, Yeah, that's acting, honey.
And I was like, no, it's not. It's just me toasting the toasting. She goes, Yeah, but you're reading someone else's words and making it look like you're not reading anything that's called acting. And I went, Oh yeah. So I'm in a play. I'm very proud of myself. Hilarious. By the way, this is the funniest. We wrote a play about four guys who moved to Cocoa Beach to watch shuttle launches. That's they're going to graduate college and just have a lot of funny.
And they do it during the time that NASA kind of shuts down and and they don't don't have any shuttle launches. And then the first time they have a shuttle launch, they're all about to move out. And then they finally there's a shuttle launch and the day they have a shuttle launch, they accidentally break in to go get close and they cause an explosion and the shuttle explodes. And Drew Drew our play premiered, premiered. The opening night was the day the shuttle exploded.
Oh, the day I wish I could call my friend, but he committed suicide. So I was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But not because of the play, but just because because he was partying I think.
Oh but it the day the shuttle launch the Challenger, the no no not Challenger. The other one, the the one that was coming in and the tile. Oh yeah. Yeah that explodes. Our play comes out and we're like what do we do. And we're like well I think you know the show must go on like it's kind of bad taste to do a play about the shuttle exploding the day the shuttle explodes. Anyway, we do the play and no one shows up except for a film critic, the L.A. film critic.
If you could find that, I wish I could remember the name of the play. This ought to be a new reality show. We actually go down to space and actually do this. I you know, I got offered to go to space one time by and I was like, I got to take it right. Yeah, I know. You get the vaccine, you're going to take it. Roll the dice sometimes. Anyway, I get done the first opening night about Bahaman.
I feel good. I'm not drinking at the time. Also, I don't think and I get in the car and I go, so what did you think? And she goes, you sucked.
Oh, I to watch because you don't you don't listen like you just are like big and loud and I'm like, hold on.
Like we just could have said you're great. I don't need any. You were dating. How long at this point I'm four months maybe. Oh my God.
I'm like you could have just said like you did great because what am I supposed to like? And I went, well yeah. No, you can just not hershberger feelings.
Yeah. Or did you say to your kid now how did Santa Claus. How was that. Well, I think I actually talked about that on. So what is it you want to get to? But there was something you wanted to get to, and I still wonder what you why you would want to play a game called I'm going to give you my test results. I just got a full blood panel. You tell me if I'm lying or if they're real.
OK, and then. No, of. All right, so and but we're talking about Santa Claus, so I didn't tell the girls Santa was real, was fake until like George was in eighth grade.
OK, really late. And lampshade all the way along. Oh, yes. She lied. Oh, we both know she does lie about certain. Oh yeah. Yeah. Santa Claus works for. Yeah. When it works for she's I don't know.
Sometimes I feel like because she had a shitty childhood with her mom that she only knows to like, like my sister does something where she'll go like she'll call you up. You're like how are you doing. She's like Dad's got coronavirus. And you're like, why? It's like I'm just fucking with you. And you're like, hey, don't ever do that.
Like, yeah, yeah. That's no fun. No one enjoys that. Yeah. How are you doing. Oh I have aids. What. No, I'm just kidding. Like you're like that's not a joke. Like there's no humor involved in. Yes.
So I think because Leon's childhood was rough, she appreciates hurting you like like taking you down a notch. And I don't think she even knows, you know, she's doing it. You know, she's doing. Yeah. She said something one time, the empathic failure part. But, you know, it's it's beneficial at times because I do my special secret time. I do two tapings on one night. And because of this, I changed it. I ended up doing four tapings, but in two tapings.
And I said, listen, I give her a notepad and I go, hey, because I know she'll be. That's the one good thing is I know she never lies to me. Yeah. So I go, here's a pad, write down any time I flub a line, write it down so I can pick it up in the second show. Yeah. Yeah. She's like OK, so I go and I have a really bad for show.
Anyone with this Philly that truck show for the first taping knows I actually kind of bombed, I kind of bombed. I was all over the map and I go to the green room and everyone in Hollywood is like, everyone is like so we got it, we got a good one. It's like it's 90 percent do we got a few pick ups. And I know I bomb my buddy Tony Hernandez who's producing it. He knows I've grown up with Tony.
Yeah, he knows I bombed and he's not he's not saying anything, but he's like he's like he's like Rahway is he's trying to think of fixes, but he's not coming up with it yet. And then LeAnn walks in the green room. I go, what do you think. She goes, Well I don't know where to start.
That sucked. And everyone's like, Hey LeAnn, we're. And she's like, no, you better have a good show next show because honey, you did not get it. And then she shows me a baby. She goes, I mean, this is full of things. And I'm like, I got it, LeAnn. And then my buddy Tony was like, I have the same thing with my wife.
I find myself saying, Do you understand how talent's supposed to be managed? Yeah. Yeah. You got to manage talent. You don't just use the bully us.
I said to her, I said, you know, there are mean things I could say to you.
Like I could go like she I would never see I would never say, because I don't even think it like she take a writing class at UCLA. Yeah. Over the pandemic. Yeah. And and a person if it was flipped around she would go, what the fuck are you going to college for you.
You dropped out, you ain't going to be a writer. And I would never say that because I go I do encourager I yeah I go.
I want to see where this goes. Yeah. Let me tell you something. Her writing is fucking awesome.
But if it was flipped around I feel like she would've been like, you ain't going to school, you're already busy. Like that's how she treat it. But I go look at it and I'm like, oh do that, be cool. I can't wait to read what you wrote.
Like why can't I be married to that sometimes. Right? It's like I was like, oh, I can't wait to see what I got to say.
Positive. I had no idea.
I had an idea that I'm going to I think I'm end up selling as a TV show. And it was a fucking stupid idea. Yeah. Like, I've had a lot of stupid ideas. Yeah. That astronauts. Yeah. Stupid fucking idea. Well, see your time. Tom and I might make the movie like I've had dumb ideas where I go.
Like I've told everyone this, you know, yard crashers, barthe crashers. I like the TV show on DIY Network. I really don't know if the series with a if you're working on your. Are they they surprise you at Home Depot. Yeah. And they go you're in the yard stuff, you work them in your yard and like our and they're like, how about we do it for you.
And they're like, OK. And I pitched a show. I mean I'm joking to DIY networks. The president called Moat Crashers. Mo Crashers. Yeah. I was like, every man's house is his castle. Every castle needs a moat. You go to Home Depot, find some guy in there like, hey, man, you build a moat and the guy's like. I know you're like, do you want one and, you know, one asshole's like, I'll take a fucking moat.
One asshole filled them out, by the way. I took him out in a heartbeat.
Right. I have a friend who didn't put a motorcycle sign up, and it's a contract.
You got to talk to the guy and to go to his house and, like, do an interview with him. If you do the show time, I'm building a moat.
Yeah, I'm building a moat and I'm spinning through the fucking nose for it. And I'm going to just say it's a coy pond, but it's going to be a moat with a fucking bridge. I can't fucking wait.
Like, why wouldn't you want a goddamn mouth full drawbridge where you're, like, where you are?
So let's get to the point of this conversation. Your labs. No, no, we'll do that. Should we do that now or should we get. Yeah. You know let's I'll lead into that. OK. OK, so. So I have all this panic attack about. Yeah, I got I have a meeting with my cardiologist that I've been dodging shot at the results of endogenous because I don't want my kids can. I'm like, I know your calcium scan.
Calcium score. Yeah. Yeah, I get it. I got it. And we're going to play the game in the boy. So so I don't want that because I know what's going to happen is I'm going to go in, I'm going to get my calcium score and they're going to go, OK, it's not bad, it's a medium. So what they say is under four hundred is just lifestyle change. Over four hundred thing. I'm just hearing percentages.
Oh yeah. You're getting me the scales. OK, I know my percentage. Yeah but but they say but that's what someone says to me and they're like anything over four hundred is they're going to go in and have to do a stent or do something.
They're likely to have trouble. Yeah. So that's what I'm fucking I'm terrified they're going to go in and then I'm like I'm all I'm thinking is preventative. This preventative. This is good.
I love when older black women give me advice for whatever reason it resonates better. I'm certain that's racist. But I for whatever reason, when an older black woman says something to me, it holds more weight.
I think it's the timing, their pace right now on. I'm going to get some friends of mine to talk to you instead of me because I can't get you to do shit.
Oh, I don't listen to white guys at all. So all that privilege just. Yeah, so. OK, older black woman. First time I get a CT scan.
Yeah. First time I've had about one five years ago, I go, she sees my face, she goes, what's wrong. I said, I don't want to be here. She's got a pen and paper is back when you could touch people and stuff. She puts it down, she looks at me, she goes, Honey. It is better if she goes the fact that you walked through those doors means you won't be rolled through those doors. Uh, as she said, and no one wants to be rolled through those doors if you just did something good for your family and yourself.
And I went, oh, now I hear that. And it relaxes me. So I just been playing her thing in my head over and over and over again. Sure. Let me pull up my test scores. All right. So I go in. I've been dodging it. Then Tom gets this. I think I talked about somewhere Tom gets all his work done and I just watch.
I know he didn't have an option, his orthopedic work, just all of it from like just let's get like the way he took charge in a from a better position, meaning like he was broken arm, broken knee. But the way he just said, let's let's go. Let's do this. Yeah. Let's let's like he went in and there were like, do you drink? And he said, no. And I knew you wasn't lying and I would have lied.
Yeah. And he's like, do you smoke? And he goes, no. And they're like, OK, how much. She weighs like two thirty five. And I'm like, it's not real like. And then it grew a little bit, it's like 240. But but I was just like the way he handled everything.
You admired it. I admired it and I said I need to, I need to do that here. Yeah. Good. So I said he just he move forward and move on with it. So I say to myself, I'm not going to push my CT scan. Yeah. Which I've been doing. I mean, you're pushing it. You got it. And I mean, let me pull it up. I got to go to my. cIass link.
Uh, login, my password is herpes boy. That's my go to I met one girl and I said I said, hey, what's your email? And she goes, it's it's a joke. And I went, What is it? She goes, Herpes gal. Thirty five.
I went, I'm not going to email you, but I to switch off my password service. OK, nice.
OK, so comprehensive metabolic panel is the one we go to. But first off, OK, let's start with my CT scan. OK, now full panic mode. You don't want to be there percentage wise. Yeah, my lifestyle.
Where do you think I registered. 10 to 20 in that zone, 10 to 20. Yeah, what would you say if I said it was? Zero, I would believe it. Yah, bitches, Mickey Mantle team, I was more shocked than my cardiologist.
Yeah. Let me point out to you that alcoholics don't get heart disease.
Nice. Why are they so thin? They don't really know. It's there's theories about what it does, the metabolism of things. But if you notice, alcoholics, they die. Don't have heart attacks. Yeah, not unless they smoke.
Not necessarily so fucking awesome. Yeah.
So has some protective effect there. So I might be all the estrogen because you build up much estrogen when you're going over my tits.
That's what's going on with them.
Because, you know, when I started doing dips and push ups because I was like my tits are looked like a little female, little little like there's a buddy there.
Yeah. Like a little like some of that just fat, a lot of hair. And then the other is alcohol.
Alcohol will do that. So, so we got OK keep going. So zero percent. So I'm all of a sudden I'm like I went from congratulations. That's good. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. It's actually highly predictive and very good. Look let's also just say good morning. Well no, it's my question. Why do you have a cardiologist. Because my parents but my dad's dad, my mom's that both died of strokes. My dad had blockage in his widowmaker and the CT scan saved his life against strokes.
Have nothing to do with cardiology. Well, great. You can if you have, you know, valvular disease, something. But. All right. So anyway, it's your job because of family history, you're going to follow along. OK, so now now the really important one that we want to judge, this is the one we always worry about, ast and alt. Yeah. Yes. OK, now what we're going to do is I'm going to read past the liver enzymes.
And these days, one of the leading causes of cirrhosis is actually not alcoholic liver disease, but fatty liver disease.
Yeah, that's what he said, that people getting cirrhosis, they don't even drink fatty liver disease. Yeah. From weight excess having a lot these days.
I have had fatty liver in the past and OK, but we don't know whether that weight or alcohol or both thinks it's weight because I've never had it before and I ballooned up to which I said my heaviest was 256. He was like no it's not. And I was like wow.
And he goes, You remember the one time you came and you said, I just don't wanna know anything. And I went, yeah, he goes, You were 260. I said, Are you fucking serious? He goes, Yeah, I was like, I was 260. That was the last time I was in. And he was like, yeah. And I was really concerned because I could tell on the sonogram that you had fatty liver. And he goes, and if your numbers didn't drop, I want to go in and get I wanted to get a full fucking scan of your liver and see how are you going to tell me how and how I got or exactly part of the life result.
OK, past results. OK, Alti. Past results, my highest being an 86. Not too bad. OK, Asti, Alti, Asti, Asti when it was an 86 was. I just lost eighty six. Where the fuck know the. Asked at that time was 63, right? So these these are not directly correlated with seriousness of liver disease, right. They just sort of a sign that we did look further into your liver as much if it were five hundred eight hundred thousand.
Well, now we got a problem that we have to figure that out. Oh, that's interesting. But this is more like, hey, it's not normal liver function. What's going on there?
He was like, that's what he said. He goes, he goes, that's I'm concerned. Yeah. And he goes, when this was the last time when I was 260. And he goes he goes, you're he actually said. He looked at me and he goes, you know how this ends, right? And I went, No. And he goes, not good. He goes, I got clients that, you know, that are big partiers.
And he goes, it doesn't end well because you don't want to be on that side. And I went, I was like, who?
And he goes, I can't tell you who. So he goes.
So he goes, Listen, I'm going to like I'll let you I'll give you a year. But you've got to you got to try to get healthy. He's like low carbs, avocados, coffee with no cream. Yeah.
This all that you can actually use or heavy cream if you want. Yeah. You can try that. Right. I've been doing that. I can't fucking do black coffee. I'm in a black coffee guy my whole life and for whatever reason I started putting cream in it now.
And so, so I suspect in your case is both the weight and the alcohol.
So he said when you wake us up you drink it more usually.
So. So just got my test results back. All right, Alty. Yeah. Now the range. You want to be a zero to 55. Anything below 55.
You're all good. OK. I'll give you a number, you tell me if it's higher or lower than it, OK? Yeah. 30 higher. Thirty three. Oh, I'm good, but I didn't expect you to be normal. I did expect it because you because you're doing better. Because I am doing better than I'm working out like crazy. Yeah. And by the way. And you're not drinking. Yeah. Oh, I'm not drinking. But that's one of them.
But, you know, I haven't drank out of this year.
I've probably not drank about 150 days. Yeah, but when you were on the road, it was not good, but I was only on the road for like fucking 70 days, OK, so like it's been it's been oddly enough, I didn't drink all. Of course, you have to be careful.
You can you can you can cross a line with your liver, you say.
And that's what that's what he said. He goes, yes. Just because you can bring it back down every now and then doesn't mean it's going to always happen. Right. He was like he was like, you got to make this lifestyle. I've actually made it one. I don't know. I haven't made it a lifestyle yet because I haven't party yet. So, like, I've got to wait till I party and then come back because that's where the I wish there was like a fucking alcoholics, not Alcoholics Anonymous.
Moderate moderation. No, that's not work. I heard that lady fucking ran her car into a tree. She did. Yeah.
I wish there was an alcoholics will figure it out, you know, like I'll be that way.
You can go. Listen, there is such a thing you can just show up and go. And so no one's going to want me at an AA meeting being like, hey guys, I'm back. Man, that was a fucking blast, I guess, in some way. But time to slim down. I'm all right, guys.
Well, people, good to go in and out alive.
I know this. It's not desirable. You're I've been to a Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. There are fucking buzz kills like some of them. I went to one and I was like, I just wanted to lose weight. And the guy before me goes, the guy's like, I'm with this guy. You I think you know him. He's like, he's a he's a wrangler. Yeah, he does like famous people. Yeah. And he was my neighbor and he was like, yeah, we should go.
He's like, it doesn't mean anything.
Just go if you hear something. Yeah. It helps you then it helps you. Yeah. Yeah it's right. I was like OK so we get there and they're going around the room saying, hey, my name's not and whatever. My name is James Gandolfini and I'm kidding, he's dead.
But I'm sure he went to one.
And so he taps me and he goes, hey, if you want speak. And now he knows I love speaking. Right? Yeah. So I'm like, all right, I'm going to talk. And he's like and he's like, you have to say, you know, alcoholic. I'm like, I do that on stage. Don't worry, I can figure it out. So I and I actually have a bit about it. My name is like I have a bit that I was going to see if I run a positive to.
So he goes, I go and I go to stand up. The guy goes got next because um excuse me. I'm going to go real quick. I've had a rough day and I went Oh OK. And the guy next me stands up. Yes.
Hi my name's Blake, I'm a Hummer or whatever.
I'm an alcoholic who I have had a bad day. I just want to drink. This morning I woke up and I stuck my landlord's dick and then I lit his car on fire and I went, I can't follow that.
I'm sitting there going on fucking shit to talk before him. This guy just killed it.
And then he just goes into detail about he's been stalking his landlord and everyone's on the edge of their seat going like, wow, did you party when you fucking how did you act when you started this podcast is brought to you by Hem's if you have not heard me talking about him's.
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Prescription product requires an online consultation with a health care provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply to the website for full details on important safety information. Remember, that is forums dot com slash. Bears, no. Alti scores asked was should be anywhere between one two one zero four five asked, he should be anywhere between five and thirty four. Now, my pass reading, we said my reading was a 63, but we're not worried until 2000.
Yeah, where do you think I am? If let's just say 25 would be the medium range. Where do you think I am? Higher.
You got that right. What would you say if I said thirty two? I was thinking 34.
I was just ready for it anyway. Did you fuck about this kind of thing before you knew. I don't have on the phone. We were going to be good. You got a line that is going to get through. Oh. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. I just know where you're at. You know what?
You know what I've been trying to do healthy. And I just fucking murdered Posta last night.
I can't help it. I figure you've got to cut the calves, man. It's a carbs. Carbs is carbs are killer.
Certain people for certain people, they really for me really the enemy.
My dad has a fatty liver and he doesn't really think he's a thin guy, but he's always been fat. But he goes, I think it might be better now, but he goes, it's just carbs for him. Yeah.
And my carbs. The apolipoprotein system can affect how the oxidise cholesterol put into the arteries and things, and that's all insulin mediated. Arin's unaffected.
All right. Let's talk about now. Let's talk about cholesterol or blood sugar or blood glucose. Yeah, you're one hundred.
Oh, my God. You should work at a fucking cornealious.
You should work at a fucking carnival if you go in it. I'm a hundred on glucose. How to hold on.
Did you you went through my score. Oh, I went through my he didn't go into my scores kicked off that. We just came up with this on the ride over. I was talking to Tom.
I did not have access to your.
I can't believe that is fucking good. I want to get Lianne's numbers.
So now I don't I don't know her stuff as well as, you know, we got. So I'm not going to find I'm not going to find you can find your cholesterol. It's not going to be in here, correct? It is. And just say lipid lipid panel. It's a lipid panel. Yeah. Anani on Gap, I got the one for cancer two which can be anal, not in PSA PSA. I like a one or two or something there I think below that point.
Good, good for you.
So just going to be just me like two twenty. It's not really that bad.
Hold on, let's get lipid panel. Yeah. My lipid panel. OK, triglycerides. Uh one seventy five. No. Oh fifty two.
Whoa. That's surprising. Why was that. I mean that's lower. What's your HDL. Sixty sixty five. Cholesterol two or three. OK that's I thought there'd be two twenty. So good.
It's been 220. Yeah. Yeah. So he actually put me on Lipitor.
Oh you're on Lipitor. Because he said why don't you tell me that. Well no hold on.
No because no because it's been so to get past results. It's always been up. It's always been to twenty.
It's always been when you're in your videos by one thirty one forty seven. So I'll tell you right now my LDL was now it's fine now. Now three. Oh no, no it's one one forty eight. That was the past. No that's today.
Your LDL is 148 on Lipitor. No I haven't taken Lipitor yet. Oh I'm afraid that that's why you're taking Lipitor yet. Well I'm forty eight and then my cholesterol is two or three. My HDL is forty five. Which high. No, no, no. You want that to be higher. Oh really. Yeah. Usually know high HDL low triglycerides. A good thing. OK, so you want that. You want that LDL below one hundred.
At my fattest. At my fattest. When I was my fattest my my cholesterol was to twenty nine. Yeah. My HDL was forty seven and my LDL was one fifty nine. Yeah. That's like my numbers, my number. Except I had triglycerides up two. So triglycerides are what. There's something proteins in your heart or something. No. The circulating fatty acids. But they're associated with trouble let's put it that way. And the raising the HDL, lowering the triglycerides are more important than we used to think.
We used to be very focused on the LDL, which probably is important. Also, I take a half of Vytorin, just a little like a path and it's boom. So eggs, my cholesterol. So I was told this was what I was told.
And when I got rid of carbs by HDL went up, my triglycerides went down. I never had my cholesterol been better than on a no carb diet. Yeah, my triglycerides are good. They've been bad in the past. Oh, that makes sense. One the high it went out didn't I say one seventy five. You ready for this one. Yeah. At my fat ass my triglycerides were too ninety six. OK, that's better. That's more what I would expect.
That's a zone I would expect you to be ok but with that's the fatty liver doing that. Is that an OK. And so now they're down. It's fifty two. But so he put me on Lipitor because they've always my my, my cholesterol. I've always been around 220. Yeah. You gotta take something and you've got to keep that count. We've got to keep that calcium score zero and that's the goal.
He said, he said, you know and by the way, I'm doing this so that you guys we should have told this at the beginning. You guys should have your blood test scores. Sitting with us so we can all go through them together. And so but I heard that if you're on statins, which is Zapater, that it prevents strokes also. Yeah. Dinamo on the open. Yeah, I'll take Lipitor even if I don't need it. Yeah, right.
Yeah I, I'm very sensitive to this stuff and I got lots of side effects and I had to fight. Okay.
So I was afraid. I don't know the right way to say this, OK, but I was I was erectile dysfunction was exposed. I was exposed to someone who was exposed to someone with coronavirus. Yeah. Yeah. Seven days ago now. But I got tested four days, five days ago. And so I got tested, tested. And that's right. When I got my Lipitor and I because of my brain, I was afraid to take Lipitor because I was afraid that would affect your immune system.
Brain would my brain would take over and I could work myself into being sick. Oh, I see. OK, so I was like, no, I'm going to wait until I'm out of the woods. Yeah. Yeah, 100 percent. Yeah. And but but I got the Lipitor now they say you're supposed to take Lipitor at night. Yeah but you might. How much. What mg is it. OK, that's Lotos good, yeah, good.
So I'll be on three sets of pills, I want to get off all pills, but not really kinda your own blood pressure pills. Yeah. And you know what? I just found out you should take your blood pressure before you take your pills.
Mm. You should have a you have multiple readings.
That information was given to me by the same guy that told me Tom would have a gimp hand.
Do I lean so heavy on this guy that was just cleaning up. What the hell. I just he just was he was talkative and no one was tall. He wasn't a black woman with. No, he was a Mexican dude. And so he was just like to the funniest thing, I think we talked about this, but there was a woman who just spoke Spanish and she was in a lot of pain and she was like two cabins next to us or whatever.
Yeah. And Tom's getting x rays and I'm trying to hear what she's and she's screaming and crying like the most pain. And I'm like, what the fuck? And this white woman's going, we're calling. We're calling. The city's going to know about this. This is illegal. And she's losing the nurse is losing her shit.
And I'm like, I got to see what's going on. Right. I can I was like, this should be a game show. Like we're you hear what's going on in the room next to you. I I'm speaking in a different language. You got to try to translate. Yeah. And then Tom just comes back, who speaks Spanish and he sits and he goes, well, someone was attacked by a dog. And I was like, what?
He's like a lot of dogs. They're cleaning our wounds out. I'm like, fuck, it's happening anyway.
Um, yeah. So so now to get to hear this is where my brain is. So I get my trilateralists right. I get my CT scan, I get all my blood work. And I go from tragedy strikes like that to I'm actually going to live forever. I'm super human and nothing touches this guy.
Neither are true. I actually think my dad goes, oh, fuck, you got your grandma, my nana, he goes, you got your Nana's genes. I said, What? Indestructible, indestructible. The woman's 101. Yeah. And he goes, Your mom's got them. My mom. You can't kill that woman. Yeah. Like she is. Well, you certainly been trying. Yeah. Yeah.
Right. Yeah. You can imagine if I had never done anything, I would be probably like a movie star.
Probably be in perfect shape. I'm in perfect shape. Right. And I would just be like, like Rogen would look up to me and be like, yes, god damn it man.
Yeah. David Goggins calm hands would be like, you really are the machine.
What does everyone in the machine know you like?
What if you juxtapose who we know Burt to be now, which is so fucking awesome, right?
Yeah. Like if you look at me on paper, if you look at me on paper. Top 10 most interesting people in the world in my life. Top ten of my life. Let's be real. Tom Singer is a very interesting person, I fucking shadow that guy like he is nothing like I go and moved around when I was a kid who really you go to a lot of different high schools, had to make a lot of good friends.
I mean, like the things that Tom thinks makes him interesting. Yeah, my mom's proving my dad was. No, no, he's not interesting the way I am.
The way you are. That's right. I like the way you are. So in a weird way.
In a weird way, there's nobody interesting in the way you are. That's really true. Now, it also is the way I shaved my tails. Like I like to. I like to like I'm not going to like my you rely on you, you play on your strengths. I play on my strengths like I'm a great storyteller.
But. But you didn't know that. I knew. I found that out when I was in ninth grade.
Ninth grade that I discover that. Oh, no, hold on. You discovered the machine. It wasn't for you. Really. Honestly, if it was not for you a prot, if it wasn't for you in the fact that I respected you and I you said this is your movie, this is your story. Like this is there's something here. There's something here like this. I don't bring people back to tell the same story.
And I went, oh yeah, I wouldn't be here. I really wouldn't be here.
I never would have I never would've told a story of that person hadn't called in. I would have never told that story. Wow. I would have never told that story. I was I, I would love to hear the audio. I'm sure it's out there of me. We have this guy named Giovanni that collects all the lovely and classic stuff.
I'm sure he's got it.
I would love to hear the audio of me of the person calling. Yeah. And saying, can you type in the machine love line?
But I bet it would be the second show that I told it that someone would have grabbed it. Yeah, but someone going, hey man, probably both are out there but.
But what if we could actually track down that caller. I would love to like who is the guy? How are we how we confirm it. But let me you were building to something with your labs. You said you wanted to build to some point by telling me your labs having me guess your lab.
We're here, OK? I'm going to live forever. And then Tom's probably gonna die young and there's nothing we can do about that. When you look at, like, how soft his body is. Right.
Like what and what was happening is I was watching this one moment where he got hurt in an instant and I went, of course, that's what happens to guys like Tom, you know, like. I've been fucking just trying to destroy myself for years, and I'm still here. You're right. I mean, what had happened to Tom? If he had been living my lifestyle right, like partying every night, he'd be like, bluesier.
He'd be dead in a fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not everyone can take that. It's interesting.
I look at Ron White kind of his like my eyes. Like my eyes. Like my my zus. Right.
Because he. First of all, you don't have any anxiety, so the guy smokes, drinks, smokes, weed, drinks, tequila, children get to kill in the middle of a day. And I go, that's impressive. Look, I've actually built my my you wish you could be like him. I look at them. Ernest Hemingway. Now, granted, he killed I think he killed himself, right? Yeah. He died of alcoholism. Yeah.
Ernest Hemingway. I wrote them down the other day. John Daly. John Daly is a fucking impressive individual. Mickey Mantle. These are all like I wrote them down the other day.
Did I give you my list of people that are my heroes, you know, OK, Winston Churchill, this motherfucker would wake up, he'd have eggs, bacon, toast, little jam, little butter, some seltzer water, some fruit juice and a scotch drew first thing of the day.
And he'd had a cigar and a cigar first thing in the morning, Drew. First thing in the fuckin morning, he'd have a scotch and a cigar. I watched that sober. Sober, like you're not drinking this month sober. I watch that.
And all I thought to myself was, I'm doing that. I'm doing that. I'm doing that one day, one day on January 24th on Winston Churchill, the day he died. I'm going to celebrate life the way he lived his life.
Oh, just one day I wake up one day a week. One day a year. Out of the year. Yeah. One day when I sign up, if you're not trying to be sober, I sign off on that. Like, how great would it be to have a cigar in your bed?
Like no one has a cigar. They're bad. You're sleeping in an ashtray. He had a cigar that's bad every morning. And then he would get in the bath, have his drink and a cigar and dictate to his fucking young.
Just be like, alright, tell him I don't do a good one. And George. All right.
All right. I'll tell Hitler we all have a good one to go to. That's a good that's just why I'm obsessed.
Winston Churchill, my favorite Churchill reproduction, was the John Lithgow scene in the Queen, where he was getting dressed down by her. It just was such a poignant scene.
Oh, you see the queen having the crown, the crown a of the crown. The crown is the one where, like Princess Diana's in it. That's the latest season.
But the first season, it's all about Churchill. I love it. You should watch the first three or four episodes.
There's there's something about like, look, I think Lithgow does an amazing Churchill. Amazing. Here's the thing that I fucked up on is like there's a part of me that jokes about everything, and then there's a part of me that I really do think I really think left to my own devices. Had I never been in in Rolling Stone magazine or anything, if I just lived a life, I'd be someone who would be really fucking funny to be around.
I think I'd be the guy.
What would your job have been? I probably like selling boats or salesmen. Probably I would have been in sales, but something cool, somebody enjoyed something and I would have been in the guy that, like all my none of my friends like her jobs were there.
And you'd entertain every day after work entertained.
I'd be fucking larger than life. Yeah. I'd be fun as fuck. I'd have I would have had married a bimbo.
I had like seven kids.
Did you did you know this about yourself all along or is this something you're now realizing? Oh, no, no, no.
I knew that I was I knew that I what I wanted out of life, I wanted like I wanted an adventure, but in within my parameters of it. Yeah. Like, I probably I, I was a different human being before I got into television.
Television kind of fucked me up a little bit and trust anybody. I got some bad interactions getting mauled by a bull and choked out, you know, about the travel that hurt Bert was effects. And that kind of fucking made me scared, like really scared for the first time in my life about life, about dying. It's like I'm all by bull. Almost got attacked by a shark. Like, all that stuff kind of fucked me up a little bit.
So they put you in bad situations, really bad situation. This is why I never trusted. And so all my times, the Travel Channel, I never trusted, but reasonably so. I was like, yeah, oh yeah. I have like PTSD from this shit, man. And I know it sounds silly, but like I can't sit in a roller coaster because I start freaking the fuck out. That was never who I was.
What happened? A roller coaster. I got stuck in one for like 45 minutes. They did that on purpose, you know, Magic Mountain, you know, the one where you stand in it and then the floor disappears and they pull you.
Yeah, yeah. It's like the Superman or something or a ninja ninja.
We fucking do that thing and then we're out on the waiting, waiting, waiting. It seems like we're for a while. Right. I'm strapped in. I have cameras on me.
Well and you're in like a cellophane. Yeah.
They get this weird thing, you're lying and I'm and then they pull us into the thing, the floor kind of half comes up, then it comes up and they're like, all right, guys, everyone relax. We're going to be here for a while. And I start having panic. But you're not like you're not upside down or something. Oh, no, we're yeah. We're staring at the ground flying still.
And I go, how I'm working. It's time for Travel Channel. I go, hey, can I can I talk to the lady in charge? She comes over, very sweet lesbian woman comes over, big bigger woman and she goes, We're going to be fine. We're going get you out of here. And I said, How long we look? And she goes, I just called the operator. He's on his way. I went, OK, now I'm familiar with the park.
I go, What? What ride is yet? She goes, he's on the ride.
He's at his house. I said, Where is this house?
And she goes, OK. Come down, he lives in Ontario and oh, my God, it's four o'clock is four o'clock. And I'm like, oh, my God. She goes, he's coming out and it's going to be and I go, can you just get me out real quick? And she goes, No. And I said, Listen, I'm freaking out. And I'm afraid and this poor woman, I if I she ever hears this, knows this very well, she said crisscross applesauce underneath me and held my hand the whole fucking time, the whole time.
And I was like, I really appreciate that. She just calm down. You're the safest.
And she just walked me through all the things.
If there's an earthquake, the only ones that are safe right now are you you are built into a structure that is and starts going through all anything. Yeah.
And I was like, OK. She goes, hey, if this gets really bad, I have a knife. I can start cutting out the webbing. I'll get you out of here. But let's save this. Let's and like this woman fucking is like, where's that was my wife.
My wife said, my man, you're but this is going to be really bad for all the fucking time you shut up. Yeah. So so what can't you tell your therapist and why.
There's a lot I hide from him because we do it on Skype. Yeah. And I'm afraid that people will log into my Skype and just aromatherapist. Yeah. So so why don't you. And this is a new thing. No, I've always liked him. OK, and so what.
I don't like bad ways but I just like I like don't lie lie.
But other things you're starting things I can't talk about why there are certain things like OK, I'll, I'll give you an example, I'll give you a perfect example that I can share because I know I'm in a safe place. I know. OK, so. So I signed this deal on time, and I only told I only told Tom and Push with the only people I told and and now granted the industry talks. Right. But I told Tom and I told him exactly how much money I signed up for.
And I can tell anyone else. And and then all of a sudden, Tom's agents all knew about my deal. Now, granted, this deal was, I don't know, three different offers from three different companies and I chose one. So there were three to four companies bidding on this deal and I chose one company. So all the people know that I signed something. So it's not a secret, but everyone's saying it's a secret. And so I tell Tom.
And then and then my agents managers was like, your boy Tom told everyone. And I was like, no, he didn't. And I and I wanted to work through that in my head. And I can talk about it now. But I know I really know he didn't I wanted to work through that in therapy, but I couldn't. I couldn't because I was afraid that if I talked about this in therapy, someone would steal this footage.
Yeah, you got to get it. You got to get out of the zone thing. You got to do so. And so I just kept it inside me.
And then and then and goes, hey, you should talk to Tom about this. I go, I can't. And she goes, Why? I said, I'm not committed. I do this in life. What I'm not committed. Pot committed. Committed is a gambling term. It means when you have more choice in there that are worth than are worth you getting out of it.
Because if you lose you already out of the game anyway, she might as well put all your chips on pot committed. Yeah. And I'm with I'm committed with Tom. If Tom is a lying snake in the grass, it's cool man. He's my best friend. Yeah. I'll take it. Yeah. Like I've already committed to this guy. Like I love him too much if he's I just got to love him and go then that's my friend. Yeah.
Because I, because and I ended up talking to him about it, he was like you told me not to tell anyone Tom. Something you can tell secret. See if he told me I probably told everyone. Yeah. Because that's who I am. But he knows who I am. So he never tells me secrets. Right. Of course. You know, so like I'm pretty good. Like Ari one time told me about or Ari told me, don't, don't.
Ah, you told me one time Ari told me a secret one time and I didn't realize and I just it was crazy. He told me a secret. In a car driving to Joe's podcast. I'm not even joking. Ten minutes after he told me the secret, I told the other two guys in front of me, like, I just. And he goes, I just told you that was a secret. And I was like, oh, no one was supposed to know.
And he goes, That's our secret fucking works. I go, Yeah, but they should know. And he goes, No, I didn't want to tell them. And then just like, why would you do that?
And he's like, I didn't want to deal with this right now. And I was like, Oh, I'm really sorry. And he goes, I will never tell you another secret. He Ari one time wanted to go on a hike and he goes, I have two good hikes, ones like a secret path. And I go, oh, tell me that when he goes, I'm afraid you're going to tell everyone the secret path. And I go, No, I won't tell anyone.
And he goes, You not even your wife. I go, Well, I definitely tell her. And he goes, that's what his secret means. You can't tell her. And I go, Oh, bro, I'm going to tell my friends.
And he goes, No, I would tell you. And you could never. And I go, so then I would only get to hike this path by myself. And he goes, I only hike it by myself because I don't want people to know about it. And I was going to share it with you, hoping you wouldn't tell anyone. And I was like, oh, I'm going to tell everyone, don't tell me about this path.
Yeah. You what's in your head comes out your mouth. Yeah, I'm an open book and it's bad.
No, no, you're not somebody you should take a seat.
Not healthy that I just share all my my poor scores with the world.
No, it's right here. Right here. I just here's my thing about health is I know that preemptive medicine, what is it called preventive preventative medicine is the best way to live. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how you're indestructible. If I had one, if you like, I always think about you going. You said it's the words sometimes beautiful words catch me. Yeah, they caught my cancer on the way to Mecca and I went, Huh?
That's just the way you said it. You said I had. By the way, did you tell me the secret of you talked about this?
Go ahead. I never heard anything about my cancer is open.
I can see this is wrong with me. I just someone to tell me a secret and I'll remember it's so good. And I want to share it because it's a beautiful way to say things. Yeah, but you said that you got they caught your cancer on its way to Mecca. And I went, what do you mean you go? And if they hadn't caught that I am gone. And I went, really?
And you're like, yeah, thank God.
And all I think is that thank God comes after for me all the anxiety of having to go to the doctor. Yeah. All the anxiety of being like, I don't want to go to the doctor, I don't want to go do this. I don't even want to know. I'd rather not even know. And then. And I just think of that I think of those that that old black lady saying it's better you walk and you go and they caught on on its way to Mecca.
Did you say that or did I make that?
I, I might have said something like that. What do you think you said?
Because I, I remember on its way to Mecca, I that I that does not sound like to me it doesn't sound like you but but but but the idea is that the that the tumor was on its way to escaping and it's not good with that good. So it's all good to get it out early. I got to get a call on the mosque. Yeah, I just had one Wednesday. I went last week. Really? Yeah. I talked to you.
Got to do it. Very rarely have you never had. I have had two friends get one. Have you never had one. I've never had one. I get them every year. Oh yeah. Yeah it's. Well they say you're not supposed to get until 50 because they lowered that to thirty five. I was like well it wouldn't be a bad idea.
I started mine earlier. Yeah. I asked one of my four, I asked Tom, I got one. I hope he shared this. I'm sharing everyone's secrets. Tom got a colonoscopy and he, he said I go. So they put you under for that. I didn't realize that they're going up your ass for something.
And he's like, when you're awake for that, think, what did you what did you think it was? I don't know what it was. I didn't I don't even know what it is, to be honest with you. They can go this way or this way or both you your about. I want it. But this may get cut out. Speaking of secrets, are you good with Ari now? Yeah, things are cool. Yeah. Yeah.
Although I'll say this. I I've really forgiven him for drugging me. I really have forgiven him, my wife has not I can't share things which really bums me out. I can't share things that where I talk to Ari about things. But he really is a good I mean this in the best way. He is a very broken dude in that in that the way he sees the world is through Ari's lens like he's not. You can explain other ways to see the world, but certain things don't make sense to him and they never will.
He's been a bachelor for so long that the only person he needs to make sure is taking care of every day is himself. Yeah, himself and his dog, maybe his check, but I think really him. Yeah. And and I don't mean that in a bad way. That's just how his brain works. It's fun to talk to that brain because my brain is take care of everyone else first and then take care of myself. Not totally but it's fun.
But when you have a disagreement with Ari, I can't share it with my wife and like him. So she just goes, yeah, why are we talking about this human? We generally have more trouble letting go of things.
Oh, they do that. Once they get a resentment, it's on.
Oh yeah, yeah. And no, no, I'll remember that. Well a lot of them are that way and men are prosperous. All women can't drive either.
I love I love broad strokes. I love broad strokes. I wish you could just say that like all Japanese people eat humans like.
Yeah, that is from a book I read. And that's why you shouldn't read books. Here's another question.
If you were going to eat a human like the Japanese, Japanese, Japanese, I don't know what you're talking about. Japan, Japanese, Japanese or is it Japanese? The Japanese people from Japan, Japanese in World War Two.
Oh, they ate tons of humans to survive, to survive now. And I'm reading this book called The Flyboy's. If you have any questions about these and you're going Burgess's racist, you just got to read a book, OK? That's why I say you shouldn't read books. Uh, um, but they ate humans a lot like and like it was it was an issue. The kernels would eat the livers and they would go, hey, we're going to execute a prisoner.
But when you do send a doctor, I want them to pull out his liver and we want to eat his liver. And then they would eat his liver because I thought it helped them get stronger or whatever. But here's the fucked up one. And this is from a doctor's point of view. Yeah, I've been really into into processing videos of dudes processing cows and elk.
Yeah. Shelves of the beer butcher. So these Japanese soldiers, I say people, it's not people is Japanese soldiers, Japanese soldiers from World War to. Because they didn't want the meat to go bad, they would cut off an arm and then they'd eaten arm and they'd let that human stay alive and then they would come get him and then get the other arm. Oh, my God. Because they didn't want the meat to go back. Yeah, understand.
But here's what I was thinking.
After watching them process a bunch of cows, what would be the best part of a human to eat?
Uh, legs and arms, legs, but like but like, you know, like a cowls got like flat iron steaks and flank steak, ribs and things and ribs, like the ribs seem to be good with our ribs. Be good or expose. I don't know. I never thought about it. But you've seen inside a human right. I have. But you're taking me to a very strange place. I've never visited like you've never operated on a human and then said, that looks tasty.
No, I've not done that. I've never had that thought till this moment, which is kind of fun.
Thank you for giving me a new sort of challenge. Just next time you're with a Japanese doctor and he's got up human to go, hey, man, this is 1942. Be a different story.
Did they do it to survive like they were a no, the the colonels did it.
And by the way, once again, this is why you shouldn't read. I didn't I'm not a good reader, so I don't know if I'm reading all this properly, but the colonels were eating livres.
The World War Two is such a fucking shit show Japanese. They had this guy Toto, I think was his name, uh, who was who was the prime minister who took charge of everything because the fucking emperor wasn't doing shit, kid, I think. And he took charge of everything. And we just send soldiers to Guam or send soldiers to a place midway, send soldiers to Taipei and just go, yeah, I'm not sending any food. And these guys got there.
They're like, oh, I guess we'll eat our shoes. And he's like or each other. And so they would eat each other up. They would eat. They would well they were just trying to survive. I'm not shitting on it. But what's crazy?
Some of them were from America. They're from America. And they've gone back to Japan, like Wendy was from Hawaii, he went back to Japan, and then he was like the only one that spoke English. And he's talking to these guys, two American guys, one kids from San Francisco, one kid from Hawaii, one kid from Pittsburgh, the one from Pittsburgh, BMW. And he's like, that's pretty fucked up here. He's just going to take on a Walkman.
It's cool to see the sunset and then they fucking stab him with bayonets and eat his liver.
Now, how do we weigh in here, Bert? I ask you, does your brain do this during the day?
It only when I sit in this chair. And by the way, so now the and I'm wondering also how you stay off tick tock on YouTube with your brain the way I know it. Tick tock. I'm there for an hour. I just do that. Just got out of prison yesterday. Is your brain the way it is? I would imagine that kind of stuff that the world that the Facebook and everybody creates the addict. You just forget it.
You're just you're lost.
It's bad news. Yeah. Uh, the last thing I want to do, uh, last thing I want to do before we leave, I got a hilarious text yesterday. OK, OK. I want to share the text with you. And then and then I would like to call the guy, OK? And I want to find the backstory and I think you're going to hear the text and go. I definitely one of the back story too. OK, so yesterday at nine thirty and this nobody you know, don't know this guy.
How do you get you. No, no idea. OK, nine thirty. That's already I get a text. Guess who you saucy little biscuit man. Right. And so I'm like, OK, someone from college. Yeah. And so I write back, I check, I check the area code seven or three zero code. It's Northern Virginia. So I go, how do I know in Northern Virginia? And I go, I don't know Dave Matthews.
Right, because I knew he grew up in Virginia. And the guy goes, lol, bro, I'll make it easy. Ahoy setting sail for p
ort mayonaise. Petty Officer putting time is out for Oreo's.
What. And then I get a text. Oh my God. Please disregard all of this. I just found out I'm texting the wrong number. Oh, I'm very sorry to have bothered you. I hope you have a merry Christmas and please take care.
Oh so I was like, OK, I want to know who putting our petty officer putting time is Enys and setting sail to Port Man is like it was just like such it was such a fucking hilarious text that I wrote back.
Ha ha ha.
Who the fuck is this. And then I wrote, I wrote Birte Krischer meaning no Krischer. And he went, ha ha, bird krischer. I'm definitely not him though. That would be pretty dang nifty. Oh my name's Brandon. Forget bleep it if you need to. My name's Brandon and I thought I was texting an old college buddy that I drove cross-country with when we moved to L.A. like fifteen years ago. Haven't talked to him in a hot minute.
Just realized I entered the wrong number when I got my own phone. I'm so sorry. And I wrote, ha ha ha. No, this is Bert Krischer. And he goes, No way, I win. It is. And he goes, If this is serious, I'm actually a huge fan of hers and I love your stuff. But this is easily the weirdest, coolest wrong number I've ever gotten. And I go, I posted it on my Instagram.
He goes, Oh my God, this is wild. So I wanted to call him and find I know Nadol. I got you, buddy. Now we're going to call him. OK, I should FaceTime him. Huh. Because he knows it's me. Uh, yeah. Right. Yeah why not. What wouldn't it. I was like giving voice for. Yeah. Let's do a voice. Call the dogs. You have the ok. OK, so this is pretty good, he's got to say, my number is in crisis, right?
He's probably got a job. It was stay at home is in northern Virginia. Come on, Brandon. Three hours later. Hello, Brandon. Yes. Hey, Patricia. What's up, man? Hey, listen, I'm on a podcast, and I wanted to talk to you. Is it OK if we record you for a podcast?
Absolutely. OK. Hey, Brandon, I'm super curious about the text I got from you yesterday. And I want to know maybe just a little bit of backstory about where Port Mayonaise is and who petty officer putting time is and what does it mean when he goes out for Oreo's?
Well, that's a pretty loaded question right there on. Are you of putting time?
I mean, I've been petty officer putting time, but I'm not always petty officer putting time, it depends.
So how does one become petty officer like Zellick, catcher and pitcher?
No, no. It's something sexual. That's the thing. It's it's more of like a it's like a state of mind, I guess. Oh, Petty Officer putting time.
So because I would be very poetic, I would love to incorporate this into our show to talk and find out what I need. How do I get into Petty Officer putting time I like and is out for Oreo's code for anything or is I'm just like I'm out for Oreos bro.
Oreos is it's another word for squirrel treats, which is another word for. I mean, I don't know. No, no, no, no, no, no. You are there. You are putting a new vernacular into my brain because I'm all about squirrelled treats and I don't even know what they are.
What are they? How they sound good.
They sound fucking awesome. I want squirrelled treats. Aren't they like like toffee sugary.
No, no. I think squirrelled treats are beers really. What a treat.
It could be beer. It can be the toffee. Whatever sugar. Who's that in the background. Is that Tom. No, that's Dr. Drew. Oh hey Dr. Drew. Hey man. Kids like you sit at home. Hey, Dr. Drew. You have been putting time.
Yeah, this is wild. Yes, so it's I mean, it's not so much sugar as it's more yeah. As you're thinking more of the I want to know how Brandon's going to explain this phone call to his friends.
None of his friends are going to believe him to change your state of mind, I guess.
Something to change your state of mind or squirrel treats or Oreos. I wouldn't mind Oreos or squirrel treats. And you're like, yo, support mayonnaise. What's port mayonnaise? Is that like is like I'm in port. Mayonnaise is where you go get all the squirrel treats and Oreos.
Yeah. For mayonnaise is where you pretty much gone and you've collected enough squirrel treats and then that's where you're at, where you're at and stay there until you're fat. You need more squirrel treats.
This is some sort of this sort of some sort of acid trip. This is awesome. So now are there other other other officers on this boat?
Oh yeah. Oh, OK. So you got Petty Officer putting time.
So Petty Officer putting times as far as we've ever gotten since this has got started back in college. OK, yeah. And this is going to show my age right here. But I saw something. Something regarding this on one of my friends away messages for a long time, I think it was, he took it from, like I want to say, Tucker, Max or something like this. And so back 2000 to 2004.
Yeah, sounds like Tucker and the fraternity and. It kind of went from there and it turned into this. Yeah, what I'm talking about now and it's just been, you know. State of mind now. Well, now we've just elevated really love it, we've elevated the awareness of all this now. Well, this is achieving new status. I'll tell you right now, my boat's been docked because Port Manet's has been shut down for me and my buddy, petty officer putting time, broke his arm and his leg and has been getting squirrel treats out the ass.
I got addicted to squirrelled treats. Now he's detoxing off of Oreos. Uh, but on January 1st, on the on December 31st, Petty Officer putting time in setting port, setting off report mayonnaise. And we are getting Oreos, I can promise you that. Thank goodness. And if you go and I'll tell you what, Brandon, I'm going to send you a link for why Image Studios, Dotcom, that backslaps live stream. And you can watch our live show on on New Year's Eve if you want to.
I would love to. I'm honestly, I'm a big fan of yours. I watch, too. There's one cave religiously. So I haven't seen your stand up yet. Bill Burr. Yeah, well well.
Hey, man, you have introduced a new way of speaking to me. I will be talking like this for the next fucking six months. I appreciate it. And this is the best wrong text message I've ever gotten in my life. Did you have no idea this blew my mind? Well, hey, stay safe, have a merry Christmas and and and I'll talk to you later, hopefully on New Year's Eve.
All right, buddy. Bye, Captain.
Putting time, corporate time walking.
That's so funny. Oh, that is I. I love. That was the greatest. You want to I'm going to wrap it up. Can I tell you the other best-run phone call I've ever gotten? Yeah, guy guy calls me and he goes, Hello? He calls and I go, Hello? And he goes, Steve and I go, No. And he goes, Steve, I go, no, because hello? And I said, hello.
And he goes, Is anyone there? And he hangs up. I'm on Franklin taking left on the libris. OK, I'm at the light and he calls back again. I go, Hello. And he goes, Steve and I go, No, you go Steve. I go, Hello. And he goes, Is anyone there? And I said, no. And he goes, Hello. And he hangs up again where. So he calls again and I go, Hello.
And he goes Steve and I go, No, this is not Steve. And he goes, Hello. I go Listen fucking asshole. And he goes, Hey, you don't have to call me an asshole. I go, You were fucking listening to me. And he goes, Yeah, man. And you don't have to talk like that. And he hangs up on me. So I call him back and he goes, Hello. I go, fuck you.
And I hang up. Right. He calls me back. I go, Hello. And he goes, fuck you. And I hang up. I go, you know what, I'm going to win at this. I go to the Improv that night. I go, Hey guys, I got a wrong call. I tell the story, I go, here's his phone number. At any time during the day you call him and just go, fuck, you know, I want this guy to get it from every fucking end, right?
So I forget that he has my number.
So the next day I get a phone call and he goes, Listen, motherfucker, I will put your number everywhere. You put my number out to all these forgotten people, call me fuck you in the middle of the goddamn fucking night. I have a new baby. Fuck you. I will find you. I'm like a God block. No, no, it backfired.
Not good. No, not good. He's still looking for you.
I wish I thought his number. Why we call them now, I call them, right? I feel I feel bad you some young dad is out there trying to sleep good. You did him.
I got you there. There's a guy. There's a guy. I got one number in here. Yeah. There's a guy who was sending me threatening texts.
I've told the Dobb about this. And I got his number. And I have used his numbers for such evil. I don't think I wanna hear this about you. He's sending me threatening texts like the way he was talking to me, as aggressive as about Tom. I hope he's listening to this and this guy knew it was you. Yeah, he knows me, OK. I talked to Mark Norman about this. I said revenge is a dish best serve cold.
So I want to jog one day. And I saw a car for sale. It was like a Lumina. It's pretty cheap price like a thousand bucks. So I took a picture of it and I posted up flyers. And I said a thousand bucks or best offer, and then I put this guy's number on the little things put right by the Starbucks, by my house. And then I started putting up little signs for free. Shall I take pictures or shall I thought, cool, and I put this guy's number to your brutal I fucked this guy.
You don't talk to me like that. You think I'm weak. I'll fucking show you weak. And then I called the FBI friend, my buddy. I have a friend who could help me figure out numbers. And and I found out who it was.
Somebody knew. Mm hmm. Oh, I'm. I fucking. No way.
Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, that's it. Fuck with the beam, that's the story. Yeah, yeah. Did he ever find out it was it's a burner account. Yeah, it was fucking the other guy fucking know the guy never found out with me. No one was me. Maybe he knows now. Yep, yep. Yep. So. Well that's really fun.
Hey Drew, I got to be honest with you. I had a blast, I was I just do I was afraid you were going to be Leighanne honesty. No, no, no, no. I had a fucking blast. I had a fucking blast. Me, too.
I love that you're a part of our lives and know really loves that you're part of our lives. But I love that you're part of our lives. And I loved it in times of hurt, whatever the fuck you were going through with Tom and his fucking drug addict, broken bones, that that you're here to help us, because that was you definitely saved us that day because we were like we were just a bunch of squirrel treats with who you were heading towards, Captain, putting time setting sail for port you later.
You were on your way to Kool-Aid, man. Who?
Bill There was a lot of chaos going on and my petty petty officer Vienneau back.
Let's learn something from this. Next time somebody wants to sign out of the hospital, call me then. Oh, yeah. I'm saying that's the time to call me now. Not when you're thinking about putting him in a hotel 12 hours late.
Here's what he and if you find anyone that has what my side of partying is, where it's like not necessarily rehab, by the way, shout out to John Mulaney. I hope he gets better. I know. I mean, I didn't mean to talk shit about it by looking at his profile.
He must be a really like a bad, you know, alone kind of drinker, you know? I mean, you don't you don't see him out. It's the reason I don't go to AA is because once you put it out that you went to AA. Everyone has any judgment about you. I think they're trying to help. You think John just was like, I just want to party a little bit and then, I don't know, fucking pandemic got to him and everyone.
Oh, it's to your boy, though. I've been sober most of this God and I mean, I've been to.
It's been good to you. Yes.
Wiser fucking after that tornado. So. Yeah. So it's been great. I appreciate it. I love being here. I love being part of your guys lives. And it's really a privilege. So. Well, I think back to where it all started and it's so funny how I got involved here.
It's so weird. It's literally because I'm really sorry because my wife booked Christina on a podcast.
I was doing Bob Forrest back. Your wife. I don't get a blowjob without thinking about you. Thank you. I'm your wife. Thank you, Christina. Thank you. That's wonderful. I literally got a blow job the other day and I thought I thought it is weird that Tom and I get the exact same blowjob now to my wife taught Christina how to give her blowjob, but did my wife up the game. Your wife is the reason they're all sucking dick, because because your wife said, hey, you can do it and then fuck me enough to give him a solid look.
You know, I just get a little bit blowjob I don't like hats off to the Pinsky's. So glad they're in our life fucking well. Hey, thank you again sometime. Let's do it again. Do it again. Doesn't have to be the vaccine next time. Doesn't have to be Tom broken for me to come in.
So and we love you, Tommy Bird, Tom, Tom and one gobstoppers while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in bird snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Beyer's. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call on Katie.