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I'm doing this thing where I tape my mouth shut at night to sleep because I think it will stop me from snoring, and last night I just started suffocating. So so she woke up to someone like like I was like that.
And you're like, at least I'm not. Hundred percent.
What I wonder, like, what if psychics did a podcast and then they predicted what a fucking idiot. Oh you know what I want to talk about today?
What we talked about I text you the other day, best football podcast with guys that talk trash. Yeah. Beyond belief.
Yes. Beyond belief that within Portis I want Clinton Portis, his. What's he doing, man? He was so much fucking fun sap to sapwood who you still haven't called.
That would be awesome.
You call him again. Can you call them. Oh who did I want to call. Can't we call him. Who did I call it. I go I got another football player.
Ship Warren Sapp would be awesome, come on, that would be no, I can't, I can't. I know because I'm psycho calling a monk.
You haven't. You have. What was the last thing you tried last a month ago?
It's just it's a bad idea why it would that would be a great podcast. Who would be full of bad ideas?
Just give them a call. Come on. Please. Please. OK.
This is a we could produce this podcast, let's pitch it to him. And he's gone. Why the fuck did I give this white kid my number? He's never answers. He never answers. Can't come on, Warren Sapp. Come on, come on. Warren Sapp, come about my the way my bad turn up turn. The battery's low with if he goes hello and my battery dies. What got Warren? No, no, no. Hold on one second.
No, no, we had Brett who said Brett, but how are you doing, brother? Hey, are you crazy?
I'm sitting here with Tom Sagara and we're doing our podcast, Two Bears, One Game. And we have here we go again. We've just seen how come you don't have a football podcast that you do every Monday morning? It's got to happen.
It's got you. No, no, no. Listen, listen, listen. I tried to get the podcast with my dude over there. Big cash radio. Yeah, that's radio telling me, listen, we can give you just time, whatever you like. I will fire up the numbers and let me go to work. You know, I, I've got no problem. Yeah. I want to do the show. We're doing the show for ten weeks.
They come back and tell me our analytics guy did anticipate the numbers being that my wife's numbers are only going to fucking click on it. Just click.
I can go, Tom and I will give you a guarantee ourselves and we will blow your fucking podcast up. Tom, Tom and I, two pairs.
One keeps getting what I want to come to bed and what do I care for football. And I just told you all that we could blow it up that way. Hang on.
I'm going to pass the phone to Tom. Hey, how's it going, man? Alltop Hey, man, big fan.
Yeah, I think this is a no brainer, dude.
What what let me let me tell you what I just told coach. That's why he passed the phone. OK, ok. OK. Why don't you one or two pairs of OK if we put a little circle I lost two money Prakash's and I'll join you all that we brought up that way. We just roll it that way. I mean it's always easier for me to break. My God they're making y'all already do it around. That's right. It wasn't.
And the right way we'll say a little bit a little fish bait, some fuel for the boat.
A couple things you like with the boat. That's all I want to do a cocktail. So I just wanna go fishing.
Hey, hey, man, we're in. Listen, we are in war and we're in dude.
We're in the world. Look at yourself right up like this. You about this little bear. Because I've been I've been telling bread every week to give you a shout, man.
I don't look at us.
I look out like a lot of folks. Loquitur You got a warrant. Let me a crack one for me.
Hey, let me ask you this, because I've been I've been having this argument with other people, and I know that I heard you say this.
Do we ever start at Miami maybe before I got there?
That's right. But then what happened when you showed up? No, no, no, no.
Never, never, never. I believe I got there. All right. So how did he play before 91? I don't know, man.
Maybe, I don't know. Maybe on the islands or some shit? No, I don't know. I don't think he played. I don't think he has a star duty. I don't think so. No, I don't think so. No, you got to be pretty damn good to start maybe years. Yeah.
So I was looking at though, about the rock.
I thought about dude. Do I know. I know. I know. Same guy. The guy. That's right. That's right. I was just I was just translating for Brett.
Oh no, no, no, I'm doing OK. Defensive end analyst and OK defensive tackle.
I love it. This is the kind of shit we want to do. This is what we're doing, what we're talking about. We go to fucking starting. This is like I'm looking at these videos of Odell Beckham catching the ball with his gloves. Oh, yeah. You know, with the one hand, it lets you take a look.
That's what I'm talking about. What you Steve Largent, that shit, man. Right.
You know, Chris Carter wear gloves in the first quarter. Third quarter. He is right. I said, what you got there? You say they're pretty. Shit is over. We got to play football.
That is happening, man. All right, listen, I'm going to a three way text. I do a three way. We'll see you.
All right. You thought you should know the three way I have a cell phone, so it's almost OK. We get to a place like this. We can do whatever the hell.
And therefore, this can be a lot of fun is going to be awesome. You're going to get checks, bro. I promise you're going to be excited. It's happening. I believe I've been waiting for two hours in a man cave shit over here alone.
All right, man, we'll be talking soon. All right. All right. All right. I right. I love you.
Here we go. Oh.
Do you believe it? Yeah, but that was amazing. Who's the best? By the way, you were not going to call unless I insisted. This is why we're a good team from.
It's going to be a lot of fun. Are we going to do it for you? We're in a fucking box head. That's why this. Shout out to the box. I love this, I love this razzle dazzle right there. Oh, my gosh. So, OK, so football season, which might not happen. So we'll just come every week. Be like what you catch. You guys get a fucking marlin on Saturday.
Part of that pop up like, oh, my God, we just started football with no football season, I don't know, we have a Hall of Famers, like we got nothing to talk about.
Who's worried, dude, how long do you think we can make it go or he doesn't know your name if it feels like he's. He these white people on the light because I talked to for ten minutes.
Oh, by who? Do you know how much trouble we're going to get him in?
No, he's not going to be in any trouble. That's the best. Got a fucking couple of things.
Well, he's first of all, he's retired. Yeah, he this is what he's retired. He's got money. He's got his life. All we got to do is fucking float him. We're going to all this is going to be. So we just need a football season.
Oh, my God. And then here's a thing. Can you guys start wearing masks so we can have a football season, please?
This is going to be the best fucking podcast ever, where we call it two bears.
One cave with Warren. No, no, no. It's gotta to be better. Two bears, one cave with two bears, one cave, one Sape.
This is fucking. I don't know. I'm so excited this is going to be a fucking blast. I cannot believe that just came together. I can't believe that just happened.
I know it's going to be amazing how you got my two bears on Sape. Two bears. Winesap.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Holy shit. Oh, fuck that. Here's the thing. I'm shaking. He just he'll be he'll say he'll be able to say he was always honest, he was great and last. But it's going to be another level on podcasting. The shit you can.
We need this. We need you.
Did you know that, that that I was talking about Dwayne Johnson. I want to ask him that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we do it well as we call them do it. And he was like, he didn't start.
Got all our football conversations are going to be real because he knows what the game is. Oh my God. Yeah.
And then you can float your ridiculous thoughts and then we can watch him just eviscerate you every week and he'll be like, hold up Brett, you know, what the fuck are you talking about Brett.
When you realize he still smokes weed, I don't know, get high.
Just talk football. He fishes like crazy. I know that. I want to go fishing with him. Oh, they'll be the best man.
God damn it.
I wish I wasn't wearing a see show shirt for this moment. I cannot like we could wrap up this pot. I'm so happy we could wrap up this fucking time right now.
OK, we got to jump on this. We need OK, two beers, one snap. Yeah. And it's a football podcast comes out.
How do we do this time was I think we need to.
I am so glad to be here right now. I'm so excited to Bears' once up. And by the way, I fuckin he is so much fun to be around to.
I remember I told him the Tracy Morgan story. Yeah. We wanted him to like me. Yeah. And so what we were sitting. Yeah.
So we were sitting it, we were sitting at Magic Mountain and he was and we're just bullshitting. He's such an interesting guy who just walked over and he's like the places just closed for the day for us, and he goes over and he's like an ice cream thing. And he just opens it up and he goes, You want an ice cream sandwich?
Was like, yeah, you know, you really Big Bird for ice cream sandwiches and you know me, you know me where I'm trying to slide into like some comedy.
So I'm like, yeah, is more serious. And I get halfway through it and he goes, let me guess. He starts a bar fight so we can get up. And Jack and I was like, have you heard this story? And he goes, No, but I've done that before.
I was like, oh, like the story's a lot better when you don't know it.
I'll tell you this. I'd rather fight Tracy Morgan, the war.
Oh, my God. This is we need to have a pro combined with him. Me versus you. Oh, yeah. We need he could be coach. He's to become our best friend. He could be coach.
He can move out here with us. I don't think so.
I'm going to give him an apartment so we can just come out here for like long stretches of time.
Yeah, I'm sure he probably has connections. I don't think anything is us. But this is tough that I'm super stoked.
This is so awesome. I'm to spend the whole podcast talking about this NFL. You got to come back. We have a podcast to do NFL.
We will do anything we can, you public service announcements, whatever. If we can get press credentials, credentials, no. Yeah.
Until they watch the first episode, they'll be like revoked those credentials right away.
We can start, by the way, episode when we got to be like Warren. What's the biggest dick you've ever seen in the locker? Hey, we like our guys.
It was fun like.
All right, all joking aside, how big is Michael or. Oh, two bears.
One step. It's great. This is fucking next level.
We merged. We should start with merch. Yeah, we first check comes first. Oh come on.
Merge right now and then we'll send him a check before the podcast even started and then he knows that he'll be like, all right. Oh shit. All right.
We got to watch our two bears was like these crazy warboys call answer that we sent check was like, oh, oh my God.
By the way, are you are you the reason they're doing this?
Well, so Titos, which is your go to vodka, you've been a big Titos advocate. Yeah, I wish I hadn't.
It says vodka for dog people. Yeah. Which is you.
I wonder if they know that I fucked dogs Birkins with that dog. Well I rented it in a while.
Why. That's your drink. OK, I love this.
I love this. We need two beers once at Merche.
Do we just. Is it.
God, I'm so excited that she's so fucking excited to be like this is what the business community got into it, towering over us and like holding us with like holding us down like his little love that he called me Brett multiple times, by the way. He called me Brett, too. Yeah. And you know what's amazing is like.
His his his insights on football are. Logit amazing like his. Yeah, he was he got fucked on that whole on that whole deal, getting kicked off NFL Network or whatever.
A lot of those guys, that's his insight.
He was a great commentator in that I was started. I texted you one night and I said, you know, with what we do is we I mean, I don't know. I was trying to explain to the girls the other night because we were they were talking about people talking politics on the podcast and they go, do you guys do that on two tubeworms, one game? I go, now I'm talking about me. Why put my finger on my ass, my ass, my finger and a lot of follow ups about that.
A lot of people have questions. I haven't done it since. I take that back. I've done it since. But I was like was like we definitely talk.
Did you tell the man about it? Oh, no. She doesn't know about it, I think I think it wouldn't shocker, that's the thing is, I'm that's the better. I want to make what it like. Does what anything shocker. Know anything that we say that Burt just did? Nothing will stop.
Yesterday, I got out of the pool. I didn't work and I had to get out of the pool. And I'm naked in the backyard. Girls are in their rooms. I'm naked in the backyard just with LeAnn. And I go, I bet when you're a kid, you never thought you'd get to see this much dick when you got older.
And she was like, oh, she was like, yeah, this is my dream.
Wait, can we ask her what what she thinks of you doing that? Yeah. Yeah.
I wonder if she even knows about it or we're going to share this. I make sure you don't I don't just say Oh yeah. Share that with everybody. Are you calling him again? Hey, baby, is he. Was he talking about scuba diving? Hey, babe, listen, we had to do two episodes today. We'll cut that out, but I'm not going to make it to Romi.
Yeah, OK. I just didn't know if you were, like, almost done.
No, we just started and now we're doing a podcast with Warren Sapp that when you say nothing.
Hey, and then I'm going to need George to drive the car back. Tom's making me drink on this fucking podcast.
Now, you're just 16 years old. What do you mean? All right. You mean like when I'm going there at three? OK, all right.
Bring Georgia with you. Are you saying until three? I don't know, maybe this is I'll call you right back. Hi. Do you see it so much easier talking to Warren Sapp? Yeah, yeah, just like she had a mask on, can you tell she had a mask and you're like just.
The wives fucking I'm like, let's go back to Warren Sapp. Yeah, there's so much more fun when we were talking to her now. Yeah.
So it's like they live she lives in the now. She can't just she can't just go like. Oh how cool.
You know what I hate when you say something and then they go. They go what. And you're like never mind. They go well no. If you want to go through you. Well you fucking heard me.
I can't wait to do this with more. Yeah.
This is going to be should we dress alike and not tell them which ones. Oh my God. And we both have beards and we just have them both cross-bred. Yeah. Two brats.
One get one slap. Mirch we start merchantmen. When you first said Brett later you go. I think he said Brett, I thought you were saying that he was talking to Brett Favre. You know, I mean, like Brett like I thought you meant like that because he was having another conversation.
By the way, do you realize who he could get into car and just thought of that? Tom Yeah. OK, let's do our list. No. One. Charles HALEY Oh, yeah. Oh, definitely.
What if, like, we like he's like laughing and jobi and we go can you get Charles. Hey he's like guys you know that's just it's not, not safe.
It's not possible. I don't fuck with him. No Grandpa would be awesome. Yeah. Well first of all, all his old Miami teammates are like, like personality wise and on top of being just talent like. Yeah. To get them on like Clinton Portis calling in Jesus who were his like you're going to have to really are going to have to brush it.
Well I don't know football the way you know football. You legit know football.
No, I mean not like him definitely. No, I mean no one knows like him, but yeah.
I'm trying to think because did that say we scroll back down, scroll down more on jobs education. Johnson would be if it weren't that bully to bite you.
What what Eddie? I think it'd be funny to talked about talking shit that I played.
I bet he would it would suck to be like a teammate. And then he's like, you know, you suck.
Like, Yeah, I know.
I just want to see, like, you know, the thing about a guy like Warren Sapp is Pat McAfee one time told me explosively, yeah.
He was like exclusivities. Most important thing.
I bet Warren Sapp could knock you out so fucking quick for sure that his hand movement from pocket the jaw, he's probably like my guess, six, too.
And he probably played at around three, ten, three, fifteen I think.
And he, uh, what if we have the number one NFL podcast in the world?
I mean, it's possible. It's very possible. Six to three hundred pounds. That's about me.
And, you know, whatever whatever we call the show six to three hundred sixty three hundred times three.
That's the name of our show, Derrick Brooks. Mike, I'll start.
Yeah, no, I don't get John Lynch as a teammate of his. Yeah, I don't really get that guy.
What do you mean. Well I don't get it. What do you not get the whole thing.
The what he's doing. Well isn't he like a GM now or something. Yeah.
Like what was he like a like a safety. He's like was he he was like a strong safety for them. No, but no. He was like a trust fund kid. Right.
I don't know Google Jarman's trust fund kid. I think his parents were like, we're like fucking really, really rich.
And then he bought the Broncos.
No, no, no, no, no. He's a GM now. And he bought the Broncos, not by the fucking Broncos.
John Lynch, John Lynch, Wikipedia, just John Lynch bio, yeah, Jesus, John Lynch, Wikipedia, and I guarantee you says he grew up very white privilege.
OK, let's see. He had a helicopter take him to practice, isn't it, American football executive, but go to early life, scroll down to like his his early years there you hit that was born. He attended Torrey Pines, Carmel Valley, San Diego, where he played football, baseball, basketball. How about personal life?
Baseball career. Yeah, we did OK. We signed a two year deal for five hundred twenty seven thousand and ninety three. Jesus wasn't. Wait, is there a personal life section for this Wikipedia or. No. Yeah, personal life, he's married and he had. His father, John, is a retired radio executive in San Diego, a founder of the sports taxation program 10 90. I mean, come on. Is there a thing for John Allen, senior, like is there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it doesn't go anywhere. It's purple. Oh, yeah. There we go. President and CEO of Broadcast Company of the Americas. That might be I think he was like, really, really rich. What happens if that doesn't take away from John Lynch? No, he's a Hall of Famer. Yeah, I'm just saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go back, go back. He had one hundred and twenty five million dollars.
He sold the company for 152 million. Yeah.
One hundred fifty two million dollars. It definitely was like, yeah, I'll sign for five hundred twenty six thousand.
Hey Dad, they're giving me your weekly salary to play football.
I don't understand why you're doing this, John.
I don't think it's that sound like that. Let's talk about let's talk about let's first season, first season of our show. We who is we said with the other shit talkers we were. Oh yeah. I told you. Cameron Jordan, Vernon Jordan for the Saints. Right. Isn't that, uh, Cameron Jordan. Isn't that their, uh. Clinton Portis was the most reckless walker of ever, Jordan, did he he is amazing in interviews.
Give me a calm Jordan interview I'd love. I'm a big fan. Jordan Vinnell.
He talked so much. He was like, I didn't talking about, like, active QB. He's in the NFL. He's like he's talking about other guys, like saying that they suck, as do the isn't it Kanjo? Am I getting the wrong guy? Um, get Cam Jordan trash talk. Clinton Portis was one of the funnest guys to listen to because. Roast, not roast, you don't want that, you want a real. Is Cam Jordan the one we're going to do a Warren Sapp birthday roast, was it?
Oh, that's one of the things we'll do, yeah. Um, do Cam Jordan, do you talk about Ben Roethlisberger? Jesus Christ. It came up, yeah, came Jordan's hot take on Ben Roethlisberger.
I'm telling you, he, uh. See, I love this kind of talk and there's not enough, you're right there, yeah, that's the interview. That's the one. That's the clip.
Let me hear are people who will you know, they run. It will win. They got a couple of thousand receivers. They've got a quarterback who might be going to the Hall of Fame. Is that true? Yeah.
So really, in this area, you put them out like a top three of this era, the top three, but the top five of this era, you're going to go to the top five of this era where you put them at top five of this year's Super Bowl. Is that a yes or no?
Yes, that's what you want to have. That's what you want.
You want to do like first of all, we forget too much sports are entertainment. It's entertainment. This is what mean and having like it's not you can't have it be like a third stringer having like a star player be like, oh yeah. Talking shit like that about another active player. That's I mean that gets me to buy a fucking Sunday ticket, man.
I'm drunk right now.
And so I take about has the titles and thought, fuck, that was the. So do you mean is that good. Yes. Good. Hey here's OK. I don't want to lose this thought and it may be wrong, so like it don't cancel me for this thought, enjoy that. It's a reckless thought.
Corporations make people bended knee, right? Yeah. So that's what they did with football players that came in. They had a lot of personality. The corporations were like, no more dancing in the end zone. Yeah. And so the no fun league, the no fun league and that's what corporations do.
But the problem is you got all these guys who were fucking amazing to listen to Warren Sapp being top top five easy.
But like Deon Sanders, all these guys that were like them. Yeah, all these guys were so much personality. And I wonder sometimes if they got there in such a bad relationship with these corporations.
Yeah. They were like, hey, we want your personality. We want it the way we want it. But with podcasting, we've taken the corporations out of it entirely. Yeah. Now all we're saying freedom, total freedom. It's I think someone like Warren is going to blossom or a guy like Kim Jordan where you go and fucking test where you go, hey, the fucking reckless talk is what we're here for.
That fucking shit where you come back on the podcast, you're like, I was drunk. I fuck. I don't know. I guess I said we were stopping doing the show. I don't remember saying that.
Like, that kind of shit's going to be a fucking blast. Yeah.
I love and it's one of the things I love. You know, my my dad is my dad's just a weird fucking guy.
So like I remember I remember when when Deon said, like, I always try to predict what my dad going to say and then I try to get him because when I was younger, I would try to figure out what he was going to say. Yeah. Yeah. And so when Deon Sanders came out and he was on the cover of Sports Illustrated, said prime time. Yeah, I remember seeing it and loving it. Right. Going like, oh fuck, yeah, I need more of this anymore.
I remember it was there on the table. My dad said saw it and I was like we were in his office and I was like, OK, I'm going, oh, I don't want to make sure I'm corporate aligned with what my dad thinks. Yeah. So my dad goes and he was fucking Deon Sanders. And I said, you know, all that showboating, you just stop right there. Let me tell you why you're fucking wrong. And I went, OK, by the way, I'm already like, I'm not these aren't my thoughts.
Yeah. I'm just thinking what I think you'd like it. I thought you'd like this. And he was like, you have no fucking idea this is who this guy is. He needs to be. They'd allow him if he was white, he could do whatever the fuck you want, look at Jim McMahon or whatever. And he's like, they'd let that. But because he's African-American, these corporations try to. But he's just giving you who he is.
This is my dad. Like, it was like the most progressive fucking thing you could have ever said. And I was like, yeah, I like it, too.
And then I do the dance and my dad fucking would be like, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Yeah. If you like that.
Can I you know, I told you when I was four, when I played for the my first football game, I caught the first baseball game, I caught the fly ball bases loaded. I was in first grade, spiked it, ripped off my shirt and started dancing. And then all the bases cleared and we lost the game. And my dad was like, what the fuck is wrong with you?
And I was like, and so I'm looking at Deon going, why didn't you like it? When was your son? Right.
Right. Yeah. If it was your son, you wouldn't enjoy it.
Yeah, because he would all the rah rah stuff he'd probably like. Come on man. But hasn't he accepted it. Now he knows like that's who he knows. He does not accept it. And he joins you on stage shirtless at that show I think.
Yeah. I don't. Yeah. I think he maybe accepts it. I think he doesn't understand a bunch of it. I think it just is like it's almost like having a gay son and my dad just like I love you. I don't get it, but I love you. Right. I did.
I just say that I'm like a gay son to my dad. Yes.
And you also do you think Warren is going to get our personality? I think he'll like me more, but I think that I think he's going to love you.
I think you and I think that it's funny that you associate all your like, you know, idiosyncrasies and habits and personality traits and everything with, you know, a gay person's.
Well, yes. Like, I'm flamboyant. Right. Right. Right. Now, it's not a lifestyle choice. I this is who I am. I was born this way. No, it is. This is who you are.
I don't get to tell the man about the you wipe your ass. Oh, let's not deal with her.
Yeah. This is going to be a rough day for the women. Really.
Oh yeah. Because of the booze, because, yeah, because I and she didn't you know, you tied one on last night or. No, I don't think she knows, but I'm doing this thing where I taped my mouth shut at night to sleep because I think it will stop me from snoring. And last night I just started suffocating.
So so she woke up to someone like like I was like that.
And you're like at least on that story. Get it out of my mouth, dude.
Who goes to tape their mouths shut.
This guy was on Rogan's podcast, Rogan's fucking fault.
Why don't you get a mouth guard? Because he said mouth tape works. Get a mouth guard. I just bought a fucking dick. Word of mouth tape.
How do you tape it around the back? No, no. You keep your mouth or you can do this. This is the other thing I tried doing is you put this on. Like like this, so it's whole. Yes, but that's listen, those things are doing a shitty version of what a mouth guard does.
That's what the mouth guard I don't this mouth guard talk, I don't understand. Get a mold. OK, you go to a dentist. OK, let's stop right there. I go to the dentist, but they don't do anything but getting a mold of your teeth.
And then they send that mold to a company that will ship.
They will ship your mouth open. Mouth guard. Yeah. You sleep in your mouth and take my mouth shut. It's a mouth guard. It's super easy.
And it does what you're saying. It keeps your lower jaw forward and up slightly so it doesn't follow the mouth breather.
That's why you want to use it. I mean. So yeah.
So I can duct tape your mouth shut, don't talk to your lips shut and I got to see this. Is there a photo of it? No.
Well, yeah. I mean, I mean, don't you think about. Oh my God, this is insane. You're really doing this. Yeah.
How are you alive? You know, like that.
That's what you look like when you know the fact that. No, that's actually not the one go the far left one. That's what I got.
Sominex where. Where, where. That's it. You sleep with that on your mouth. I look like a sad clown and you just. And you're staring through that though. How how strong is it? It's got to be strong, right?
Yeah, it's it's pretty strong. But either way, I don't know. I don't know. I've been trying to breathe through my nose, loosen this fucking goddamn Rogan podcast about breathing, you know.
Oh, is that the breath thing you're reading, dude. What it's. It's the book the guy wrote is fucking fascinating, but more importantly, it's like Joe is really when Joe's dialed in to an interested in something he is such an engaging interviewer like. And so Joe's interest in this got me really interesting. I was like, I only breathe through my mouth. I've never breathed through my nose. And what is the principle of this?
The whole idea is that when you breathe through your mouth, you not really getting full breaths when you realize you are. We can breathe your nose.
You get I only breathe through my mouth.
And so I get and Leanna has said to me at times, are you breathing right now? And I'll go now and she'll go, you need to breathe, honey. And it's cause of anxiety, obesity and high blood pressure. All three things I deal with is mouth breathing. And so, yeah, this is this fucking book is fascinating.
So I started to listen to the podcast and I'm like, I'm like, I'm not breathing at all right now. And I went, oh shit. I read through my nose. So I started breathing through my nose and it said, you should do six breaths per minute is like what is healthy?
And then I'm sitting there, I'm like, I'm doing like 15, like on, you know, like it's said six a minute, six minute. I got it down to two to a minute to breath provided by practicing, by just being relaxed, calming down and breathing slowly just gone.
Out of your mouth, out through my mouth, and so I got down to two a minute and I was like to a minute seems like really low is really low, but I got to six a minute and got to for a minute. Then I got it down to two a minute and I was like, wow, man. I'm like really relaxed. And that's the way you're supposed to breathe out just when you're relaxing, when you're relaxing and what you're supposed to be breathing through, you know.
So then I spent all yesterday with this fucking thing around my head trying to keep my mouth shut, to remind me to breathe through my nose. And by the end of the day, I'm like fucking hyper aware, hyper like, pumped up.
And I'm like, I think I'm getting too much oxygen. Like, I think I'm breathing too much. I don't breathe normally, breathe this much. I'm normally tired and and so and so I'm trying to sleep with my mouth closed because they say that I'll stop snoring too. So I mean I, I wake up sometimes and my tongue is as dry as a finger. Like from breathing through my mouth, you've got to get the mouth, dude, I'm just telling you, it's not that great, but how's it going to help?
I'm just going to go to my pillow because it's it's it's custom for your mouth.
So it's not if you bite over the counter kind of thing or online. Yeah. But if you get an actual mold, it you pop it in pop, it's like you're putting a mouth guard into four sports, you know, but it's custom for your teeth.
And then and then I can get like fangs on it like I'm sure a fighter and you get you get the strong band so that your your lower jaw can't drop a strong band.
What the band's there's like rubber bands that have elasticity tight or loose.
The tighter it is, the less you sleep and you snore. Well, I do snore if I especially if I don't have it, but with it it can eliminate snoring. And one of my favorite jokes you had that you just kind of threw away. I don't maybe you used in a special.
Maybe we didn't even say it, especially we were in Irvine and you said. My wife says I snore, but I have no fucking proof of this, is that a bit it was a joke to say like, yeah, because I was like because people would get mad at you for snoring.
You go, I think you're making this up. Yeah.
I've never had any. I have never. And then it was like, yeah, but I'm not I mean I'm not awake so yeah.
It's like she's getting mad at you for doing something that you can't help.
I can't help it. Yeah. She's you know. Do you know why I ordered my first mouthguard, why we were engaged. And I was of course I was so fat and so I thought we were at your finest.
The fattest I've ever been. I actually wasn't then. Well, here's the thing. That was the number on the scale wasn't the worst that it got, but I was the most inactive. So in other words, like fat, but like not doing anything active, you know?
I mean, no, not even going for walks. I was just living that national feature lifestyle of just flights. And I was telling someone the other day I was like, you realize that like it's not just when you go to a comedy club and you go, I'm eating wings and she sticks. But four days in a row like that was your meal every day.
And I go and I was and on top of that, doing nothing physical. So I think I was just like at my not just it wasn't my fat ass, but it was like my sloppiest, like my my most pathetic.
And I was probably right down, right down. Pro style dumbbells keep going. Yeah. I was probably I had to be at that time around to between two forty five and two fifty to something like in that range.
But like what are you now. Two thirty. To 32, maybe, damn it, um, but so here's the thing she like a lot of times I wake up and at that time, you know, no kids or anything, we've got I would go to bed at like 2:00 in the morning almost every night, and I would wake up at like ten, thirty, eleven. And sometimes if I woke up one say she'd be in the living room sleeping on the couch.
And I was like, what are you doing? She was like, you're snoring like so loud. And then she would say, you're snoring through. Like I can hear you through the what like with the door. I'm like. And of course, like you wake up, you're like are talking about.
Yeah. And she's like, dude, that's crazy.
So she had said it and I was trying to, I was like, I was like wow, I feel badly. But you don't have a real appreciation for it until she recorded me one night.
We do have that still. I don't think so. I mean it was fucking thirteen years ago dude. So she, she goes, I recorded you and I was like, let me hear it. And my fuckin I was like, like I my jaw dropped.
I was like I want to, I go you're you have like I actually felt so badly I was like, you're sleeping next to this.
So that day I ordered the one you can get on a like one 800 number. It was like those commercials for it and you put it in hot water and you mold it like like when you're a kid and you play basketball or football, I get a mouth guard.
So that helped. Like, that was a huge improvement. And then eventually I was telling a dentist about it. He was like, you should get like a professional one. And that's a game changer, dude, I got to get one.
I can't imagine how bad my snoring is. Oh, my fiance only sleeps on the couch. She shows up in our bed years. You got to do it. Well, I was just going to we're just building a new house and then we're building her room. Her own room. Yeah, really go to sleep. And we got our room that we'll live in and our clothes will be in there. But then she is making a room for herself.
Such as sleeping. Yeah.
Why would you sleep in the same bed? It's just it's it's a good sign for a marriage.
I love that bit more than anyone has ever loved her in her fucking life.
The bed know the woman. Oh, I said bitch. Oh, is it bad? No, I love that bitch.
That woman is lucky that she's got art. Let me tell you something. There is what I'm talking and no one's ever loved her like I love her. And this was what Warren would contribute so much to right now, because I feel like he probably, you know, I mean, I can definitely identify with you. This might be one of my favorite podcasts we've ever done. I know Koolade was a big fun podcast. We laughed harder than we've ever laughed.
Yes. I can't wait to. Warren Sapp sits and finds out that I drink two gallons of Kool-Aid a day. He's going to he's going to have a good time. He's going to he's going to love this job. We're getting him into this. And he's going to love the money and we're going to merge. He's going to be fucking so much like crazy. Yet we're going to get shots of him on his boat with Jimmy Johnson.
Here's what I propose right now, that once the season starts, I propose that we do this Monday mornings. Recap the weekend when we talk our shit, we do we do all our, like, you know, life stuff, what you do, fishing, whatever.
How was the road we talked about? I have some college and NFL stuff, some some notes, some some things. We make a prediction about Monday Night Football every Monday. We try to put out the episode as quickly as we can. The following week, when we do it, we not only recap all the same stuff, but we we like the we get to play how we did on our predictions for the Monday night game.
So we like how do we do on the last predictions, we have that element of like predicting a game, recapping a game, going over notes, news and doing like silly fun stuff.
All right. Can I here's my here's where I here's what I want. Go ahead. First episode me and you have to fly and we got to fly him here. Yeah. And we need to be it needs to be like in person. In person.
OK, our christening episode, I understand that it might be covered, restricted. He might not want to get on a plane flying private.
What we find private.
OK, we, we split it and we find private. All right, you know, he's going to be so much fucking fun if we flew him out private, I think anyone would be. Yeah, and it's going to be the greatest. And we and why aren't we just going to them and just have them?
I just do a bunch of them and we just make up games where they had a man. They won by 52. All right. Next game.
But now it'll be fun, man. It'll be super fun.
I am so excited about this. And I know that your brain is so different than mine. I'm thinking of, like, stupid stuff of telling you my Christian of story.
Perfect, but which, by the way, was a cliffhanger for the last one. What's the Christian Akoya thing?
It's not that good now that I've I've built it up, but I'll tell you. So also, isn't it kind of silly that more people can use the moniker Nigerian nightmare like he was the original, I thought. Yeah. And then like the other ones, like the fighter, the guy he went by Nigerian nightmare that fought a few weeks ago.
Yeah. It was one last night. And he didn't even have an accent. I don't know anything about that. No, he doesn't like Christian Akoya hasn't is from Nigeria. Yeah. He um. So we did a we did a football show during that like one of the Super Bowls when I was on when I was on eFax. So I had a show on effects called The Show. It was like the late night talk show. It was like my first job in L.A. I remember this.
And we had Joe Montana and we had Jerry Rice.
I got to ask Joe Montana about Charles-Henri jacking off in front of them.
I think Charles Haleys to say something about Joe Montana, his wife to him all the time. We can definitely get Joe Montana on now, now that we are partners with Warren Sapp. And so. So Christian Akoya comes on one day and no one really knew who he was. I knew he was that of my time. It's that old thing you said, like all your heroes or when you watch the sport. And I just remember Ickey Woods, Christian Akoya, those were like, yeah, my running backs.
We're doing a picture of a big group picture right before we do the show, and everyone's like superexcited me take the picture and then. They everyone starts to walk away and they go, oh, wait, wait, wait, one more, one more, one more question. Will you take your shirt off so I can hold you? And and he's like, excuse me. And everyone is like, awkward, like, I'm just kidding. I'm a fucking comedian.
And then everyone laughs and he goes, oh, ok, ok, ok.
So we do the episode. We had done this the we get done, we've done the episode.
No, let's do one more picture so we do one more picture and he goes and we take the picture and everyone starts walking away and Chris McCoy grabs me by the shirt and I come back and it's now it's just me and him and it was a mistake. I switch off and I go, what it was, take off, right. Hold each other. And I go, Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
He goes, I got you funny guy. But he is Christian Aquia. He's fucking massive. Yeah. He's like 640.
He's like, take our shoes off and I'm so fucking panicked and I'm the next guy.
I'm out and I feel like funny guy. I thought I thought you were doing your Russian accent. Combatted accent No, you're not. By the way, you definitely code talked a little bit when you were talking to Warren Sapp. Just want to call you on it. Warren Sapp, you were like a Ron. You were like your homeboy. I guess I did not say that. I got accused of code speak with Ron. Are you serious? Oh, yes, I was.
I was trying to be like extra white with Warren. I was like, Hello, Warren, how are you?
Ron is getting hit up to do podcasts now. Oh, he is Catholic, right.
This horrible idea why I like you cannot tell anyone. No, it's not a joke. It's like. I know. I know.
I was like because when Ron back when it back when I used to be called I fuck dogs OK.
And you smell like shit. Smell like shit. I get it, I'm cool with it.
But Ron, when Ron tried to do the joke it never worked. Oh he'd be like this racist motherfucker. And then everyone's like oh my God, for real.
And he's like, yeah really. And just walk out of the room. You're wrong. You got you got you got a in on it. You got to put some spin on it. Fucking Soren's now doing podcasts. He's like I work for him is super racist.
I got to go. He's walking out of the room.
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Do you ever hear the big story now?
So I mean, this is going to come out one of my blogs because we this comes full circle. I was in San Antonio one weekend. Right. And we're partying, doing laugh out loud and who's coming next week. And they go Big Jay, one of the women that worked there was trying to take after her her niece. Her niece was sixteen and was working there also. And her niece was hanging out with the bar, not drinking. But she I think she'd gone through a rough patch in her life and and and we're all bullshit.
I'm hanging out with the aunt and and I go, Obejas, come next week.
I fucking. Love, T.J., and they're like, we should do a practical joke on them, and I said to the 16 year old, I said, hey, when Big J's here, you should tell him, like, pull him aside and go, hey, do you have no. And he'll be like, Why? And go, he got me pregnant.
And then and then look at the look on his face. You're just fucking with you, you know, by no. Just funny. She's like, oh yeah. Be funny shit. So that's all I say about it. I don't really we don't talk about it more and I yeah. I'm, I'm going to fuck this story up. I'm sure in the vlog it's different. But watch the blog. That's the accurate because we go back which log in on my birthday on my Chrysler YouTube channel and we're doing blogs for the summer tour.
And we went to San Antonio and I told the guys there what happened. What happened was big shows up the next weekend and the girl comes up to him and says, hey, do you have perts number to Big Jay? He's like. He's like. Yeah, why, what's up? She's like you friends them and he's like, yeah, good friends with him. She goes, Yeah well he got me fucking pregnant and she just left.
And never told him as a joke. So just like fucking sweating, like two days later, his academic work on a 16 year pregnant, like that's not who I thought he was at all at all. And like, he's sitting with it and he's like, God damn it. So on Sunday, he's going to leave the club and he's with the two openers who had been randomly at the bar when I made this joke. And you should go. And Jay's, like, overwhelmed.
He's like, hey, when Bert was here, did he like. Was he like. Like he's kind of.
Was he like with the the fuckin. Sticks and he goes, they go, oh, yeah, he was joking, she should tell him, you got it, he got pregnant, pregnant. And Jay's like, we hold on, that's a joke. And they go, Yeah. Why did she do it? Because she's it just left.
Yeah. Yeah. Like, you have got a practical joke anymore that Pat is that I've traumatized.
Jay called me. It is like to I was thinking, how am I going to cover for you for fucking getting a 60 year old pregnant? He's like, I got to tell you, man, I was going to out you really? Cause you can't fuck 16 year olds. I was like 16 year old. Oh, fuck.
I love a good practical joke when it's just like when you find out years later.
Yeah, yeah. I have a nice little bus and that was a nice breath through your nose. I was gonna give you a compliment.
I get I'm, I'm using a inhalers in my nose to try to open it up.
We're going to do a montage of all your all those. I don't know why I do that. When I got long. Had a little drink. Oh yeah.
Well this is my daughter's make fun of me for skip her fingers. Yeah I've seen that. You know that times you go like this that.
Or that's another one. And then my thing is I go what's up dog.
Hey man, what did you think wrong. What up big sap.
You think Ron would call us on uncowed talking to him. I don't know if you go around. Yo yo what up. What about this.
My personal. You can't do it in person of platitudes anymore. This racist, you can't do it, but you'd be like if you're doing a story and then like, OK, so if this is if I say and then I was talking to Ron, it's like, oh, shit that you can't do that. You've got to believe me. You can do it. You just did it. I know, but you can't. But I mean, you're well, from this point on, can you tell that I'm buzzed a little bit.
Not that bad. Have a but like in my specials. In my specials. If I ever do a black eye in a bit. Yeah I do a black eye voice. Right. You can't do that anymore.
So now I just do British know I was talking to Ron and he was like, oh my God, that was a fucking rumble.
That was that was. You need to read that breath chapter again. I know, Terry. All right. So that's going to be right now. You're like a black balestrieri.
Just. Oh, you should you should do the thing where you go just a heads up. Right. He's black, so don't be weird about the impression and then be like he's like buck trend.
We need to pull over first. Stop Refugio out to get your propers do you think.
What if you called him and you said, would you be offended if I did an impression of you and he's like, what kind of impression? And then you got to do it like this was to not offend? Or what if you said, what if you ask me if you can do impression of him? And he's like, all right?
And then you just do like a real like a man like you do, that is wrong. A little bit like Ron's. Yeah. Ron is not wrong. Grew up in Compton. Like there's if you're like, what are you trying to say. He grew up in Compton. So if you're looking for like an impression of Ron, it is it is that he is that guy like he is like put you know, a motherfucker like that's Ron, like that is him.
Can you do the impression of him to him?
Will he be he would be offended. No, Ron, Ron is you know what, man? It's super refreshing about Ron. And I think part of the reason I've loved two things, nothing but the best commercial ever, because it just hit me as one of my is my one of my favorite commercials of all time. It's Warren Sapp and Tracy Morgan, that commercial, all the stuff right now.
Have you seen it? No, I don't even know if it is the fucking best what I was.
I'll tell you why he searches for. The thing I love about Ron is that in this council culture, all this people are hyper aware of everything. Yeah, Ron was super refreshing because he just does not give a fuck. He just tells you what he's thinking. Yeah. And he doesn't give a fuck about hurt your feelings or whatever. And that was what was fun about him. Let me run way.
You got to let me put this because I, I watched this commercial. I'm not kidding you like.
A thousand times, hey, do we ever hear from Madera, the. Do we ever hear from the IUD placed? The IUD, remember that the actress hit me up? Oh, yeah, she said that that whole thing was filmed in South Africa. What? That commercial was filmed in South Africa. Did you see the Vietnamese came out holding one, a South African note?
Oh, the Vietnamese baby came out holding an IUD? No. Yeah. Vietnamese baby got born holding the birth control that was tried to kill it.
Well, they're they're they're an amazing people.
They have conviction and they Vietnamese top OK movies was problematic.
Go for it.
If you if you if you were going to be Asian, what kind of Asian person would you want to go ahead and let's watch this commercial.
Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Thai. Well, they're all fascinating people.
Um, I feel like the culture that I'm the most like intrigued by is Japanese, though, because of samurai culture, not just like all of it. I mean the samurai book right now. OK, five rings. It's good. I don't know if that's the name of it. I think I think it's a martial arts. Yeah. Martial arts book I'm reading. I don't really understand it. It sounds right. I'm reading books, I'm writing a self-help book and I'm just kind of building it off samurai culture, OK?
You said check it. Oh, I'm here straight out of your nightmares, excuse you not, and I'll excuse you. Should we play a little football? You understand me? Free to play football every day. I do. ESPN, NFL, football. Look at first person football one on one. Wow. Because I don't play. You know something, Ortego. To me, he says that that's what you have to wait for.
Make it a big screen. We got to go through this whole Tracy Morgan is so fucking funny.
I hate that he hates me naturally. Funny. And I got to say, especially for an athlete, you realize. So this is a if you're going to prototypes, this is wacky guy. Straight man. Yeah. Straight man ticks.
It's it's a skill it's dismissed as harder to do than wacky guy I think. And he does it look at. All right.
Because you said check it bro. I'm here straight out of your nightmares. There's no excuse you not. And I'll soon as we play a little football, you understand me. Free to play football every day. I do ESPN, NFL, football. Look at first person football one on one play. You know something. Oh, people do.
He says, first of all, I don't think that that most of that is enough.
There's no script. There's just like I don't want to. Yeah, he's that I like. So you come in crazy, just you do your thing and then do you think you could probably just like act like he's crazy.
He's like yes. You figure that out. You see the one with the him and Ben Watson.
No, that's the only one that's better. Look at the Tracy Morgan. Is it Ben Watson. Yeah, I think it's Ben.
I could do an entire episode about Tracy Morgan. Oh, this this one is. Yeah, that's it. This is this is the one that set it off. And Wallace. Oh, Ben.
Sorry, sorry. Make it big again. Ben Wallace. I said watching. Big Ben Wallace going in the wrong direction. There's been some other time. Oh, God.
Let me tell you something. He has a basketball. I've lived the miles. And now. I saw Moses. I can clear a quarter of one side. Take this one. Nobody is better than rage.
I don't want you to look read it. And he said don't.
Nobody is better than rich.
And then he fell off the ball the way we started the ball rolling back to the balls behind his head and he bounced off the wall.
Didn't Wallace going in the wrong direction but to go beat some other time?
Let me tell you, looking at NBA basketball, I've learned the 20 seven most innovative I saw Moses. I can clear a quote to one side. Take this one point to nobody is better than rage.
I go watch you over and over. Yeah. That's like I got it. I mean, I would do a whole episode. Just ask more about this day, the day that he filmed his.
I could do have, you know, my favorite Tracy Morgan ever is the Doug Flutie speech that Doug Flutie type in. Tracy Morgan. Doug Flutie. This had me there, so so I'ma give it context, so. Can they hear this? OK, so they're talking to Tracy Morgan about they're talking to Tracy Morgan about comedy and he is talking about characters. I think he's talking about getting into character. And when you get into character, stand in character.
And real quick, he flips from, if I'm not mistaken, I love I really am bummed that me and Tracy Morgan will never be friends, that he doesn't like the Tracy Morgan story, that he thinks it's right because he actually aren't somebody, I think, on on Reddit.
So it was like he was like this. I don't know who that is.
It has never happened. Don't know that guy never smoked PCP. And you're like, OK, I know. Probably wasn't PCP. I know it was a joint. You're fucking with me. But the story's true. I could never make that story up. If I could, I would just have millions of those. And I just put in people that were dead. Yeah, but it's such a and he's so fucking put in the notes that Jen Aniston.
Jennifer is so, so, so. But in this in this clip, he's talking about getting into character. I would love to know more about that's why I would love to know what he's doing, because he just all of a sudden cuts from telling about improv to becoming his high school football coach, who is explaining to and it's it's so beautiful that you're like, my God, you're good just because you hit play.
I remember you came into that and used to come into the uptown and get used to be tense and used to do some of the silly shit. And you used to tell kids, join me, join in, break up the tension. You no, you said I used to say chemistry. Like you said, you used to want to see me do this and go to do mine in detail, forward detail, how to do the study, do your homework.
I always tell you, do your homework, teach good foliage. Yeah. You remember, this is gonna to be great if you don't study greatness. And then here goes the character with a little game. Take a look at the game change. Somebody's got a fuck off. Is your teammate like some fans on somebody? I swear to God damn. But now if you start flourishing again, I will not go twenty three. Call a goddamn trade and say I'll marry you.
I don't fruit and dog food. This food is definitely going to be OK, you know.
You know, obsessed with that. Here's good Moore. Oh yeah. He was obsessed with this. I remember that Jay would, would be like, look at the game tape.
Oh, modish the dog food. You ain't dog fruity. So funny.
That is it. Like that is what's great about that guy is that he's just he really is like stream of consciousness.
And he also he has that gift like this is just a gift where you can just go here's the line and then the way that he says it is funny. Yeah. I mean yeah well you could be like, hey, you want another one and then I want you to be like, nah, I'm good. And the way that he's like, no, I'm good. You laugh at the way he says, no, I'm good. That night we hung out with him.
His I remember I was obsessed with this line for a long time on stage. You think I got a pretty dick.
You can struggle with the lights on and I remember going like no finger fucking in the Balkans.
Who remembers being was such an honest genuine. Yeah.
Like and I remember white people in the audience because I sat the whole crowd just like a white couple just going. Oh yeah. Like they never finger fucked in the handball court.
Yeah. I got a pretty you can suck it with the lights on and I remember going like I need a pitch with a C-section scar. I don't even know what that was.
And then like when you finger fucking two and you get pussy popping that bitch, you put it out but you got you got your nose and your nose in your armpit smelling your own stank.
Yeah. You're like he was just such a bizarrely unique like I didn't like ever get to see him do like the hour.
But I had heard different places be like say that he either did thirty, forty or even fifty minutes just on eating s and and, and so when every time I would play a club after Tracy and I was like, how is the Tracy weekend.
They're like well you know, you know sold out every show. But yeah, we had a number of walkouts and I was like, was it for Arsenio? Like, Yeah, yeah.
I was like he was like forty minutes on acid.
But, you know, that was, that was I thought was amazing.
But Patrice Patrice's to do that. I hate to speak about Patrice because he's passed but like and it just sounds like whatever my experience maybe was isolated. So maybe I'm making it bigger than it was.
But I remember I'm doing a Showtime special and talking about putting Thoms and girls asses.
Yeah. And I was like in my head, I was like, that will not make the cut. Yeah. I was a young comic and he was like, I just like to fucking. And you're just like, what? I remember Tony Woods doing that on a last comic standing thumb in the ass talking about just straight up finger chicks asses. And I was like, this is not making the cut. Yeah, but it's a really interesting like almost like I don't know I don't know where I'm going with this.
Yeah, but. But yeah. Tracy Morgan. It's interesting to me that, like in sitcoms, that brilliance that you see in that in those commercials or in that thing, it translated, but it never translated as well as it did in SNL and in those commercials.
Yeah, yeah. Like he always played a character of himself. Kind of. Yeah. Like it was it was a little more static. Don't nobody is better than the rich dude. When he did there was an SNL thing that he did where he was. I was with Charlize Theron and they were talking about both being African-American, who was him and her.
That's why he is so fucking talented.
Yeah, I'm so funny guy. What's pro style dumbbells about?
Oh, it's stupid compared to Tracy Morgan. Well, it's I'm obsessed with it, so I'm putting a gym together in the new podcast studio. And I was like, oh, just get dumbbells. And I was like, oh, just get the rubber. And once they have it at Hilton's. And then I was like, wait, why would I want like. I bet I could get cool dumbbells, I bet I could get like, what if I got, like, the rounded ones, like the round ones that are all just cast, like, you know, like the remolded.
And then I was like, wait, you know what dumbbells I really wanted? I wanted to talk to you and Joe about this because I wonder if Joe has a memory of this. I want to get to I want to get the dumbbells from high school, the ones that were so they're called pro style dumbbells, the ones that had plates and were welded. So you had a rack, but they all kind of type in pro style dumbbells. And when you when you use them, they're like the ones to the right, like that one that a Vanco Ivonka.
See those. But do you remember the ones, the old school, not the fuckin rubber ones. The metal ones. The metal ones. Metal pro style dumbbells. Yeah.
So they were the kind that when you did chest and you brought them over they clink. Clink.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. As opposed to like and I was like oh I want to go. And, and there were also your hand smelled like pennies when you use them. Yeah. And you were like get them I but I cannot fucking find them.
Well all I want all these ones, all the stuff has been sold out because sales went through the roof. Yeah. It's hard finding dumbbells. Oh anything. Yeah. Plates spar's like all those major manufacturers. Solanum everything. When, when quarantine took place I wanted to find so I was going this is what I was going to do.
I was going to reach out to local schools like, like schools that don't have a lot of money in a city and go let me check out your dumbbells, I'll take your dumbbells and then I'll buy you a new set of dumbbells.
They'll take that. Yeah, because I want the old school ones do it like.
But do do you have such a romantic memory about those as I do. Well when you I it's when you say like the clink, you know, I guess here's what actually happened to me. I put some equipment in my house to lift, you know, and I got metal plates instead of rubber plates and I don't like them. Why? I like the bumper plates more. It's just easier to have at home, especially grab them off, throw them on the ground in the middle of class.
Oh yeah. Yeah.
So I that's but those are plates. Right. So what's Roeg. That's a company we talked about Smith Barres.
I loved well Smith Machine because the Smith machine it gives you a false sense of your strength, you know. So like if you Bensch if you get on a bench and I put two twenty five on it. Do you have just the.
The actual power to push that, but you don't have to do any of the stabilization, so but then if I go now, jump off of that Smith machine to the next bench and it's just two twenty five on a on a free bar plates, you'll notice that dramatically.
The difference. Rahmat Dramatically. Yes, totally different because I want it much harder. So much harder without it. OK. What's the bare minimum you need in a home gym? What do you mean, like you need a pull up bar? I mean, well, it depends what your goals are. That's what do you have in your gym? I have one of those racks, so I have a squat rack and I wanted to rack.
But then I think maybe I texted you guys and Rogan was like, don't get a rack, get dumbbells, get a bench. I don't know. Maybe he said that. Maybe he didn't. I don't know. That sounds right from you. Yeah. Yeah.
Like there's all kinds of things that someone might have said, but like, I was like just a rack of free weights. And it depends what your goals are, what are your goals? That's honestly just to not lose bone density.
I mean, I just want to lift a little bit of weights every now and then when I feel get excited. Some dumbbells are probably better for you, but I do want to.
I want to. Smith Right. Smith Machine. Just as like you could do a machine is more like I think I don't even know why they exist other than they seem like a safer like if you just want safety. Yeah. So you know, but like you don't have to do any stability.
So then so that's where I got to our dumbbells where I was like, so say you. A lot of working out is being inspired to do it, so if you have something cool or maybe something that reminds you of when you were young, yeah, maybe you want to do it. So I was like, I'll get these old school Prasow dumbbells, like we used to have a Jesuit. And then I will look at those and I'll be able to go like, let's fucking throw up.
I'm like, yeah, as opposed to looking at like you look at the weights at a Hilton garden then. Or like one of those. I don't.
I know they have and they have like they'll go up to like 25 or 30 pounds and you're like, I want to go up to like 80 pounds.
I'll never use them but just for looks and then type in what I wish I could remember the name of this company.
But the ones that are interesting are like the.
The the one has a really like a Coke can handle, like a big, big, big fucking weight.
I don't know, inch Smith Inch, I don't know.
Why don't you do the squat rack, get the rack. I've I've been doing I've been doing Turk, not Turkish getups. Hindu squats lately with Kettlebell, I've I've been I've been doing a lot of kettlebell stuff lately, that's great. Yeah, but ma'am, I realize I realized I don't have any muscle where my ass cheeks me, my legs, I have no muscle there and I run all the time like a hamstring thing. Yeah. I have no fucking strength among deadlifts.
I want it all back side. That's hamstrings. Something I need to be.
No seriously that's doo doo deadlifts. But you need to get ba deadlifts when you bend over and just sit up.
Yeah. I mean get the technique down but yeah it's a bar with weights like the big Olympic bar and then that's how you strengthen your hamstrings for sure.
I get to strengthen my hamstrings are for shit running is not running, is not cutting the fucking my knee. I need something more than strength training. Get away running. I've been running like fucking ridiculous.
You want to go back on again since I was a hundred percent. OK, so I get a call a few weeks ago. Hold on. You're on tour. I need to be ready for this, ok. This happened recently. Yeah, like you were on tour.
Before you start the story, I need to know that could I have gone to Jennifer Aniston's house with you if I had been in town possibly doing this?
I can't hear the story. OK, go ahead. I mean, here I get a call from my agent and we've been talking about a couple of things.
And he says, hey, would you be interested possibly in a movie where you play a part with Jennifer Aniston? And I go, Yeah, of course.
OK, and this role is you are you serving her Sunday? I'm like, well, those are used car.
I go, what is it? And he goes, he goes, he goes, it's not, it's not, um. It's more like a comedy drama hybrid.
And I go kind of more about it. He goes, well actually she wants to tell you about it. And I think we're going to do a like a a zoom thing.
Right, because it's during quarantine and he goes, she's got a new house. Do you are you comfortable going to her house?
And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. I go, of course. So he goes, all right. So he puts me in touch with her assistant and they tell me all the information, better assistance, not as much as a guy.
So is he still he's pretty hot.
So I go to this house, I hit the buzzer and they open the gate and I walk. And I think that the assistant will greet me at the door almost at home.
You go to this house? Yeah. You hit the buzzer. So you're on the street? I'm on the street. And then I hit the buzzer. What, you drive my. A sedan. OK, you're going to drive the fucking I don't know, Hausch and so I just anyways, I walk up, she dated Brad Pitt.
He was totally in the car. All right. So I but I'm also I'll tell you this, I have some anxiety.
You know, I should have some fun. I'm happy for you. But not a lot.
Not a lot. I'm a little horny. I'm a little hungry. So but I'm also like, you know, how do I act? Right. I'm like, I'm being more jovial than I actually feel like.
So I walk, I, I walk up and the door opens and I go, hi, I go, I'm Tom. And she goes. I'm Rachel. I go, what? And she goes, I'm Rachel from the from the hit television show Friends.
So I think, like we're doing a bit now, you know, and this is how she's greeting me. And I'm like, OK, so I go, OK, I go, I go, all right.
I'm like, yeah, I go. I, I'm very familiar. I don't know what to say. So I'm like, ah, it's a good show. I don't know. I'm like, yeah, we were on a break.
Yeah. So I'm like, is this I got I go, sometimes you go, you feel like you're a comedian, someone's like, this is my joke. Yeah. And I go, I go, yeah.
And we're we're in her doorway. So the door's not even closed yet. We're both standing at her door and I'm like, OK, I didn't know if she's going to like, make a joke now. And she's just looking at me. And I was like, I go. Yeah, and she goes, Do you know Ross and I go? He's your brother. She goes, not everybody knows that I'm like, I don't know what the hell is going on.
So I'm like, Yeah, I go, Yeah, yeah, because, uh, I go, I'm familiar with Chandler, too. And she goes, Oh, you know, him. And I go from the show. Yeah. And she's like, yeah. And then she starts to turn down the corridor like the hallway and she goes, Do you know Phoebe? And I go. She goes, Phoebe, I go that from the show, the hit television show Friends, yeah.
And she goes, that's actually played by actress named Lisa Kudrow. And I go, What the fuck are you doing? I'm fucking well, I'm scared now. Yeah. And like, we're about to turn a corner. So I stop because everything inside of me is like, you should get out of here. Like, this is not.
Yeah. And I go, what? I actually said, what the hell is going on? What are you doing? I said, what are you doing? Yeah, and she turns back to me and she goes, it's called acting. And she turns around, she walks down the hall. I just made the whole story up, your father. You said you can't you're a cunt. You're such a I fucking you're such a psycho.
Do you know why?
Because you told me you said the Tracy Morgan thing, like, there's no way I could make that up. So I go, I wonder if I could make up a story.
By the way, that's a good story. That's a that's a that's OK story.
OK. Oh damn it. I really sitting here going like you're like this is if I can. Yeah.
Let's make a vow that if we ever meet Jennifer Aniston, we bring each other OK. And then do we tell her this story. No. Oh I say we. Let's meet Jennifer Aniston. The war in Iraq is set up. I wouldn't be shocked. I bet we could get her on our show, we're going to such cash when we got Warren, we're such big guests.
Joe Montana, definitely bretthauer, definitely we have to ask everybody from that era about Charles Haley, that's the only thing that Charles Haley we got to get 49ers or Cowboys teammates from that era and be like was Charles Haley like tells the Charleston defenders immediately.
But, you know, some people looking back, you know, Chuck's a good guy.
I think he's gone through some hardships with I'm assuming he is bipolar. So I'm sure that that all sounds like bipolar behavior. We got to run in a second. But what did you fucking first of all, how are you erasing your text messages all the time?
I have no fucking idea. I was wondering if it's something on my phone, like if I set up a thing to erase it because I'm not even touching them.
Oh, my daughter's texting me. You know, it's bad when your daughter's like, do you need me to come pick you up? The answer's yes, by the way. Yes. Europe having a 16 year old op ed is the greatest I'm at the age now where I'm like, go get my socks. Like, that's the big advantage.
Oh, the other day, what the fuckin we're having we're having to catch a new house or playing softball, and it's hot. And I'm like, God damn it. So I go to the fridge to get a drink and all they all we have is beer in the fridge off the doorbells. So I got my fucking beer and then I go, oh God damn it, I got to drive. And then Jorges because I drive. I went, oh yes.
I was like it's like when I got your mom pregnant, you are paying off twice, you know.
How are you cutting off your own skin tags. That's where that kid dropped the fucking ball. The kid did. Yeah. I go George. She's the only one I trust. I don't trust Eila totally because I everything if it's funny, it's it's she didn't give a fuck by George. I have a skin-tight really bad skin tag on my neck logit bad. And I said all I need you to do is get some. What I wanted her first to do is take dental floss, tie a knot around it and then just rip the dental floss off and rip it off.
Do you do this normally? No, I've never done that, but I knew it would work. And so you ever think about calling a dermatologist or anything? I thought about it. It's just in the pandemic. It's not worth the time. Jennifer hasn't told me actually about a good diet.
Fucking hate you. I hate you. I got so excited. I know you did. It was so fun cause, you know, I'm all really about celebrity.
I was it was so fun. I wish I could have dressed it up more for you. I'm sorry. I should have known you drove the sedan. You would have never driven this sedan.
So I go. Then I said I got all these different skin tag removal because it was a big skin out of nowhere. There's a removal kit. I got one. It's called it's called Tag Band. I think it's called to you slide a rubber band around it and it kills it within ten days. But I didn't want to have something on my neck for ten days that looked like it was dying. And then I had one that it's called it's called Tagget, something where you freeze it.
But once again, it's like it's you got this thing on your neck for ten days. It's dying. So I was like, I know that I've cut I've had them before or I just cut them off with nail clippers. And so I was like, George, I go to a room.
I said, Listen, baby, I need you right now.
I need you in a way that that you don't understand. I need you to help me.
I need you to cut the skin tags you want. No, just shut the door. And I went want that can't be your answer. It's happening. So then I go to Eila, who I do not trust, and I go, hey, I need you. And she was like, I'll help you.
And I was like, fuck, we're fucked. So we go into the bedroom and I get these.
I get cuticle cutters, you know, those kind. So they're a little more they're a little sharper, a little a little more like razors. I heat them off cuticle cutters, cuticle clippers to pull up cuticle clippers. I am.
Those kind yeah, those are yeah, those are like those have like real sharpness to them. Yeah. And so I just, uh, snip snippet off. Actually we aren't.
LeAnn was I tried and it did not work.
And then LeAnn just came in and you went and it just it hurt. No, not at all. Not at all. It hurt a little pinch but not bad. I like that one right there on your neck. As a matter of fact, I was saying, yeah, that's wow. I was thinking about having you do it. I would do it. You would. I knew you would. I would do it.
You know, there's so many fucking things my my family won't do for me that I think if we were in a gay relationship, you would do I could even do it without the gay religion.
I can still do it. Like next time you want me to do it, I'll do it. You know, I got some little baby ones right here that I think might be some clip in next episode. Next episode, let's keep them off, OK, let's clean me up, OK, let's get some sanitizing things, obviously. Yeah. Oh, next episode involves surgery. You know what, Nadav won't let me do? What, give him a chiropractic adjustment.
Really? Yeah, he's like, oh, what if you hurt me? I'm like, what if I don't hurt you? Can you do it? I've been watching tons of videos. I watch a lot of chiropractic. I thought they really like they're so relaxed. Yeah. Did you see the one of the.
I'll send you a link to my favorite chiropractic adjustment ever. It's a gangbanger or like a like a guy who goes in and gets an adjustment and the guy just fucks him up.
Is it. Who fucks him up? Remember the doctor, a redneck doctor. Oh, I watch for primarily who I watch Ciprian.
So I'm I going to put my feet.
I know that I or something. That's a woman like the Orlando area aren't Mondrian or something like that. I watch her. I watch. Um, this other dude, and then there's like one guy who just, you know, the YouTube starts giving you the algorithm. Yeah, there's one guy who like. Only does checks and yoga pants will be Tim Hightower. You know, I've seen that, yeah, that guy yoga pants ones are like tricking me.
I'm just, you know, I don't really, uh. Hold on. I'm going to find the guy. I think the comments in this fucking video are the funniest comments I've ever read in my life, I got to find this guy a real.
Missy, I'm going to type gang. Gangbanger it well, it's like a it's like a he's not a gang banger, he's like the chiropractor. It's the funniest fucking one, I wish I could find it right now. Advanced chiropractics to chiropractic videos.
If you knew that this was going to be a thing in this crazy how much his business has changed is that like I watch a lot of boat launch videos, boat launch, what's that?
Just launching boat. Almost bought a jet ski the other day. Yeah, I saw you tweeted about it.
I'm like, why wouldn't I get them? You know, there's there's this guy, Brody Moses I think is his name. Yeah. He lives in Australia and he just has a jet ski and he goes out in the ocean and fishes. And I thought you were going to say Jet my Deckert hard.
You know, for once, our podcast gets picked up with Warren up to go viral, will buy one. We're buying a jet. OK, great for me. Or more super buying jet together so that we can fly him out here and then he'll be like, oh no, no, I don't want to own a jet.
And we'd be like, oh, we got it already. We already bought it. Hey, by the way, we put your guys out your boat. Sorry, I wonder. OK, I'm going to type in chiropractic, homeboy.
All right, why don't you put out because I know you have a little buzz going put out a message that we can send to Jennison about meeting her for real. OK, look into the camera. Go ahead. Hey, Jen, it's Perd, Krischer. Season, I froze, I froze. I promise I froze. I think I'm good. I'm good. Yeah, she might have, definitely. Hey, Jen, it's Bird Krischer. I'm here with Tom's.
Both of us have Netflix specials. Already fucked it up. All right. Let me start you.
Hey, Jen. Comedian. God damn it, I'm fucking this up. All right. Hey, I'm not Brad Pitt. Hey, OK, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Rachel, what's up?
I had a great time, I had a great lunch, and I really want to move forward with what we talked about. Let's go back and forth. Ready? You go to your camera, I'll go to my car, and then we'll go back and forth and then we'll cut a sizzle and then but what do we want out of this? We just want to do like brunch with her. Yes, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of it's kind of like, you know, presumptuous to say we have to be at your house.
Yeah. I mean, like, we want to. How about we want to have lunch.
We're not coming to my fucking house. Can't fiddle. Well, I'm just saying that we can't you know, to to is meeting. Someone is meeting.
And if you go and meet you at your house, everything has got to be at your house or your house. OK, we invite her to your house. Sure. No, we go to her house. OK, how about we say we bring our wives?
Oh, good, good, good. She can can she bring a dude for safety. Now that's that sends the wrong message.
We're dangerous, you should protect yourself.
Well, first of all, it doesn't sound good.
We understand that you might feel threatened in our gas. So if you want to have a couple of security people, that's a good idea.
Oh. And if you're around us, you might think you're going to die.
So being pretty cool that way. At the wrong house at. We come to your house, I will be able that. WAFB. It's a way to get a meeting with someone I feel like he can I mean, can I meet you? But you should protect yourself.
O o o o o o o o meter. But you got to be safe.
I feel really I feel really sick again.
Oh my God. Oh. Oh, God. Safety, I can tell you what makes me so happy is I know I can watch this now and I'm going to laugh this hard again.
I know for safety I feel, oh, fuck me, I can't actually, I can feel my lungs are struggling.
I felt, you know, the smell of throw up when it comes out your nose. Whoo hoo hoo! All right. We got to get out of here. Oh. Oh.
Hold on, let me kill this beer, OK? Oh. I've never had this much fun with my family. That is the hardest I've I'm going to need. I'm going to need the to clip that out for me to have on my phone just to fucking cheer me up.
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, fuck. For safety.
Uh, Sajan, we'd love to stop by the hour, please. Our plea.
And we do understand if you have security, but we would never hurt you guys. Well, I feel sick.
I actually feel sick again. Oh it's Revesby Koolade.
Oh, all right. For safety to protect yourself first.
You're totally right about everything. I mean. Oh oh oh oh. Would love to meet. My name is Hadley.
It is a call to protect yourself and your help. Oh, oh, oh. I was I was a very high. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, my, oh, my God, oh, oh, oh, oh my God, it's been the best episode we've ever done.
We still we booked Warren this week for an episode to set this up. You want to be a low key threat.
Oh. Oh, you know what's going to happen?
As she ever sees one, oh, you're sweating so much, what are crying oh.
Got my agent at the house.
Oh, reps. We got to find out. Oh, we're not a threat.
We're not want to say they were not a threat, guys. Criag. We love you, we respect you, and we would never, never going to her job, obviously. All right, we got to wrap this up.
I could love for another hour. Oh, let me just kill this beer.
All right. Hey, towards and Jennifer Aniston. Yes. It's been a great fucking episode.
There's a lot of fun. Well. I love this show. Yeah, so fun. No one's ever tears in my eyes. I see it. Oh, hi.
I just want to wrap it up, but I'm going to go. All right. I'm going to go binge watch friends. I got to go.
Oh, I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you, guys.
Bye, guys. Tom where one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in Bergstein Machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call there's. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what more call so you bears on Katie.