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This episode of Two Bears One Cave is brought to you by shady raise. Absolutely my favorite thing of any product we endorse. These guys are doing an amazing product like sunglasses, you know are grossly overpriced when you buy designer shades. These guys have all the styles, all the designs you like when you go and buy sunglasses, except they're a way, way, way more reasonable. Price moster sunglasses are forty eight dollars. They're polarized. They have all the aviator style.
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He's burned. Krischer, I'm sorry, just put the pedal to the metal. It is a perfect way to start off the show. About 12 years in the making. Is going to be a fucking shit show that everyone's going to be a hundred percent sure. College football.
Do certain we're going to change the middle of it. I feel like I feel like I haven't lost any weight. Let's talk about it. Recording. I think so.
So do you think just pause one moment here. You just said I feel like I've been lost any weight. But you also have a half gallon of Kool-Aid here.
Do you think I would be everywhere? Do you think it contributes? No, it doesn't contribute.
Five calories, a half a gallon of calories. It's so fucking good, why would you choose to drink water when you kind of cool it?
I got to understand why anyone would have just water like it's so stupid.
Let me ask you this, because this is kind of interesting. Calorically talking.
How many doughnuts do you think you could smash if they're like the classic Krispy Kreme doughnuts?
Oh, easily 12. A dozen. Easily a dozen. If you brought in a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts, I'd almost bet.
I did not just hear someone, oh, shut the fuck up. How long have you how long have you had these in there? Oh, fuck, yes.
Hold on one second, one second, don't push because there's coffee here. OK, sweet, what what are the. Oh, these are just glazed. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, front row. Row dozen, I'm almost certain.
Like how many calories in a dozen. There's like oh just fuck up my calorie intake. There's five each. How many calories are a dozen crispy creams.
Don't tell them the truth, oh, there's only one hundred and ninety calories per donut. Only a hundred and ninety calories.
That's not bad. Two, four, six, eight, 10. That's 800 calories right there. That's a thousand calories. Twelve hundred fourteen. This is a daily caloric intake. One day of food right here. If I eat this, I can't eat again. OK, you start with one.
Yeah. How many bites do you think you take on it? On it. This is probably four or five.
Oh no. One. Hmm. So bottom line is, so fucking Krispy Kreme does it right? Are they getting canceled or something?
I don't know. Are they not the one I might have to turn the other cheek and be like, I don't know what they're doing over there, but they make good donuts. Pretty damn good with a microwave here. Uh huh. Those a hot Krispy Kreme doughnuts, it is a one biter. One hits them up. It's just heat. Two up, eight seconds. If you heat up, by the way, this is how often a Krispy Kreme type and how long to heat up a Krispy Kreme doughnut, it's eight seconds.
They I've eaten a lot of Krispy Kreme doughnuts lately is eight seconds. And I found that eight seconds is the perfect time. No place here.
Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. He's got donuts right there. There's so fucking good. They're so good. They're so good.
Mm. And I do, um, I do a coffee dip this time. I like that. Right, I'll see you. Oh, my God. Uses the. Omaha, you're in I feel so good, fucks your head up like I struggling in the back of my head and I'm so excited that I almost hear sex talk. Yeah, like, it's amazing. People don't talk during eating the way they talk during fucking like, how could a restaurant be if people talk like food.
Was that good that they talk like they were like having sex. Mm hmm. These are people going. Yeah, fucking right. Come on, bitch.
What's on that microphone?
I oh I hope it's icing or I'm eating some. Oh, it was chewed up, I think. Oh, yeah, oh, we did a coffee tasting segment for Travel Channel one time.
Yeah, it sucks that I don't really talk about all those things I did. Travel was such a cool life experience. What do you mean? You talk about it, but don't talk about it enough. Like I should be like a one man show about it. I just because it was really interesting. But we did a coffee tasting segment in Paris across from the Notre Dame and.
And is that hot, is that hot? Should I test to see if it burns my mouth pretty? How long do you put it in for 30 seconds.
Did you not hear me say eight seconds? No, it didn't hurt. OK, OK, I didn't hear you again. I remember when I said eight seconds, he didn't you didn't hear it's fine, it's fine. You realize this is fucking lava. It's yeah it is. I don't want pizza in four thirty.
It's pretty high. It's pretty hard of hearing. No, no. He's just in here. You know what's going on with him. It's really hot in 30 seconds. Who the fuck you. I don't know. He just needs to live with his parents. I don't maybe.
I don't know. I'm going to put these in for eight. Yeah.
Oh, that is so fucking hot. OK, yeah. I'm going to go back out. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
We put our there for both of us. Yeah. OK, go ten one one is about.
All right, we will do that. OK. This podcast is brought to you by Krispy Kreme, Krispy Kreme making donuts since 1950 to Krispy Kreme and started by a bet that Krispy Kreme will be a great nickname for a porn star, don't you? What's her name?
Krispy Kreme. Krispy Kreme. This is so hot, it's burnt on the bottom. God, I think, is so good. Glaze, glaze, I'm sorry, glaze, right. Let's see. I'll go right to the fucking party one.
Oh, yeah. Good, rotten product. Hmm hmm hmm hmm.
If you had to fuck a meal out of all the meals you have, where you go, I bet in the bed this one's perfect right now.
No, it's not. It is still super hot. I just burned my and for the sides. It is so fucking hot. How the fuck did he do? I mean, I can put it in the box, close. It would warm up the other ones, see.
Oh. All right, Krispy Kreme doughnuts are so fucking good. Yeah. I mean, how many more you think you can handle on how just keep you like this would get me out of bed when I was a kid?
I love licking my fingers. There's no better. So weird people like don't like you licking your fingers, but. I guarantee we're losing some listeners right now.
Yeah, this podcast is brought to you by licking your fingers. Oh my God. Why use a napkin when God gave you one?
Oh, hey, you're not sick, are you?
Because I'm just started watching down Kool-Aid with Barack brought to you by diabetes.
You're not kidding. Russell Peters, yeah, my hands are so sticky right now.
Yeah, I feel like I was molesting a control. All right, let's call Russell Peters. Dimmit. I feel so good. I mean, why have you eaten so many more women to, you know, that had to you know, you haven't had too many of you.
Hey, Tom and I are eating Krispy Kreme doughnuts and we're recording this time. We're recording this.
First of all, stop bragging, both of you. You're both of your guys are both on treadmills and diets.
Yeah, we were we were just on a diet. And then he brought in a dozen two dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts. And now we are fucking them up. How many how many do you think you could eat in one sitting?
I actually eat an entire box in one sitting before you have. Oh yeah.
Because there's no light. Delicious. But then my acid reflux checked it and then I think I shit oil for a month.
Yeah that's right. We're going to feel fucked up after this.
Hey you had you had a Bernie Mac, D.L. Hughley and what. Bernie Mac.
Hey, Russell, how's Bernie doing?
I wanted to see how many dead people he was going to to see the look on his face. When I said Bernie Mac, you said Bernie Mac. Cedric the Entertainer. I met my bad. Yes. You had all those guys talking about you guys had had them all over your house the other night, right?
Yeah. Last night I had Cedric and Joe toread guy Jerry Angelo. Well, a couple of weeks ago was said D.L., Duane Martin and Jay Phillips, yeah, what are you what are you guys doing? Just smoking cigars, sitting in the backyard, smoke cigars and drink some liquor.
Why wouldn't you invite Tom? And Tom doesn't answer his phone and you look like you're in bed by nine.
I go to bed pretty early these days. Tom, Tom and I would really love next time you do something that would really love to go, but you have to introduce us as very funny comedians like did not know who we are. I'm pretty sure they know who you are. We've gone through this, we checked with Neil Brennan, he's a nobody black knows who we are. Well, Neil is white and also not the authority on black. Well, we'll check his check his Instagram.
I think you might be wrong about that.
Hey, I know he knows he knows a lot of black people. Yeah, well, I find out Seinfeld knows who you are. No, you didn't. Yeah, I did. But but I do know a lot of black people because Russell knows a lot of black people. The difference is, Neil knows a lot of famous black people.
I know a lot of regular ones like Robert O. Russell.
Please invite me and Tom to the next party. Let's do it. Not a party. It's just impromptu when you guys come over tonight. Tom was calling it a cookout.
He was. No, I did not step it. The Peruvian racism.
Hey, real quick, do you know any famous Hindu people? Yeah, I believe there was a guy named Mahatma Gandhi that was his full name. I just thought he was just Gandhi like Madonna.
Yeah, that's what they were doing back in the 30s.
Mahatma Gandhi, his last name. Yes. Candie's his surname. Yes. Oh, interesting. Interesting, Candy. That's interesting. OK, well, it turns out good. Go go ahead. Deepak Chopra. I love that guy's books. Keep going. Russell, Russell, Bert, Bert wants to know Sanjay Gupta.
Yeah, yeah, Russell, is there are there any famous Hindu people that, um, that you can give birth their phone? He wants to talk to somebody.
I want to I want to walk through what I like about this religion. Oh, matter of fact, you know Raj Sharma. No. No, but I'll get to know him, I'll have him on my podcast. Hey, you know what, Sherman? He's a good dude, funny comic. OK. In Texas, he was out here. Oh, I know who you're talking about. I'm sorry. Yes, yes. Yes, I do.
OK, I'll get them on my podcast. Oh, I love you, Russell. All right. I'm going to talk to you later on. We want to come over to your house, have drinks and cigars. Maybe you can bring your ladies with you to one purpose. OK, we'll.
All right. All right.
Bye bye, Russell. I love him. He's great. Sweet. Give me a break. OK, we got a full fucking hour, 15, OK. All right. All right. OK. My hands are so sticky right now. You know, there's a reason I like oranges when I was a kid is because in Florida we drive into an orange grove, pick oranges, eat oranges, and then my hands get sticky on the fucking worst.
There's so many things about Florida I think that not everyone appreciates, like how sticky the oranges are. Grapefruits. We got introduced to grapefruits at a very young age. That's true. Yeah, I remember we were getting hit with a grapefruit. What are you doing now? Hands on your hands.
He's doing a great job. I don't want him to hear the compliment. Yeah, he's doing a great job. How do you think we're getting better along better because of his behavior or my behavior?
I think it's a combination of easier both. Oh, Hans annotators. Thanks, man.
Thanks for what you think I was done. Nothing. OK. Feels much better, we just spread around the I think, yeah, just pointed out, you know, put some in your beard, this beard dissolves like I need to.
I don't I makes my skin break out really weird oil and stuff because it makes my skin break up. I'm starting to have acid reflux now.
This is when you got to go in harder. And we found that ukulele picture. Yes.
This is the one we were looking for two episodes ago. Yeah. And and this is when I found out I was fat. Yes. This is so great.
There it is. I didn't know I was so happy in it, though. I was so happy. Look at my side tit. I know. But also the like. Your arm really fills out that sleep.
God, I didn't know I was fat. You know, sometimes with being fat, it's the clothes you're wearing. Yeah. Like it's like I think that was a large tank top.
And so you when you put just a large on an actual body, an Excel body, you spill out of it.
Yeah. Do the saddest I've ever been. That same day they were like a little cold. And you want to cover up. Do you want to wear a wetsuit. I went, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So they had. I wish I had a picture of this, they had a spring suit that was just like a tank top. Yeah. And I put it on and I thought I looked good and I walked out. And everyone in the crew is like, no.
And I one, is it bad? And they're like, you haven't looked in the mirror. I said, no. And they're like, OK, I would just take it off and not look at yourself. But if you want to see it in the mirror, you'll take it off. And look, Tom, my tits were spilling out the sides. Yeah. And it just looked like it looked so fucking disgusting that I, I literally took it off immediately and I went surfing in the shirt, swimming in the shorts.
The most embarrassing thing you can do as a fat guy. Yeah. Yeah. When you have to swim in a shirt, especially like oh oh.
I think it's more it's worse when you're like young though, right. Like a young kid. I mean when you see a kid in a shirt.
Yeah. It's interesting. Leon says I only have empathy for people that experience the things I experienced. She says you have. And I think it's true. I think a lot of people have a hard time empathizing for shit they didn't go through. Yeah. You know, it's like with the Metoo movement. It is part of listening is when they came out, a lot of guys are like, wait, what? Like, you know, but that's yeah.
That's usually I mean, and women are like, oh, that's who should I go through. So I, I connect immediately with all women.
Of course in my metoo movement would be kids, kids in sweat swimming shirts.
Yeah that shit sucks. Oh yeah. But you were like what do you.
Berniece No no no not at all really. You know. No, no but I'm sure I'm getting skin cancer.
You're sure you're getting it. I'm certain why I haven't my lip.
Why. Because my lip would burn so bad as a kid. Yeah. Just bubble. My mom never put anything on it and then I just and it's out there now, like when I look like I have a hard time, I like it. Not getting sun. Yeah.
Like for when I don't have a beard. This is really like because this casts a shadow.
Yeah. Your lip hangs hangs.
Tinner hangs. It hangs. One of my like when I was in high school I noticed this is like when pictures started happening. Yeah. Catch yourself in pictures. High school.
College is if I wasn't prepared for the picture I looked like a I looked like I'd be like and so like I started being cognizant if there's a camera on to be like oh pull it back. Yeah. Pull my lip back. It just hangs there. Yeah. Yeah. I have a cousin who in pictures he's always, always goes. I'm like, what are you doing, man, like every picture I have you. You're like, dude, you remember?
It's like he doesn't like his teeth or something.
So I think people's behavior in front of the camera has gotten so much better because of cell phones, because I mean, I didn't know how to take a picture.
Like when I remember in college, people would take pictures and I'd be like, I'm burping up doughnut right now.
Chasing a Kool-Aid was last call, but like I just didn't know what to do when I took a picture, and that's why when cell phones first started coming out, I always went like this. Yes, because I didn't know what to do. When you took a picture, I didn't I felt weird smiling.
You had a CD album cover like that? Yeah. Yeah, I did that all the time because I didn't know what to do, because I didn't know how to smile and I never took pictures as a kid. Well, it does feel weird.
I don't know, maybe because we're so self-conscious as comedians. But, you know, just the idea that, hey, there's a camera and just to always go. Like over and I noticed that I noticed that my my smiles, lopsided, like one of my sides is lower than the other side and I try to correct it, but when I do, it looks weird. Look, I guess, yeah, it chased Leopard has the picture of me when I had long hair and I parted down the middle and it made me laugh so hard.
Yeah, it's a good way to get my teeth redone.
You are gonna get all new teeth when. Real big. Real bright.
When are you getting your teeth know. Real soon. For real. Yeah. When I get done this talk, let me get all fucking brand new teeth and real big. Real bright. So that I look fucking weird, because I think that's like you've got real teeth, right? Right. There's nothing has happened to those. Nothing Pristina's you have real teeth.
She has mostly real teeth. She has pull up to pull up Christina Road rules.
I want to see with Christina Road rules look like. I can't tell you I still have a hard time getting past the fact she was on road rules, really, I fucking love that show so much.
Is that her real teeth?
Yeah, she's got she had one she had one tooth chip. So that's what I'm saying is, you know, she basically has a I think look at how fucking thick her hair is.
Mm hmm. Wait. Go, go, go, scroll. Oh, no. No, no, go back to the not early stand up I went road rules, Christina, I can this isn't crazy. I knew so much about your wife and Suzy. They were like best friends. Yeah. What is it you did, road rules, Christina? OK. Do you ever go back and watch? Have you watched any of the old episodes? Long time ago I watched like one episode.
That's your wife. I know. Aren't you curious? I mean, it's a reality show. Yeah, but it's so can you believe she became a successful comedian, do you know? There she is. That's from the challenge where that photo polarizer. That's from back in the day. God, this is going to make me shit right now. Well, looking at pictures, your wife. No, there's no. The sugar. Oh, my God.
You're going to shit right now. Are you serious? I wish I could do that. OK, what if I put my dick all over these donuts on his side, would you tell him? Why would you tell him? If I just painted his donuts with my cock and I was like, OK, one more time, I don't want that to happen to my boss, you know that I can't hear you. I don't maybe put your headphones on.
This is can I tell you this is why we have a disconnect? Yeah, because I don't talk to you like that. Right. But if you want to be like that.
Well, because then people can't hear what I'm saying to you. So it just sounds like you're having a quiet conversation. No, no, not that the level of which you're speaking, you're going put your fucking headphones on. I don't say it like that bullshit. I say, put your fucking headphones on. You just said it right. You said you couldn't hear me. So I said, how about you put your headphones on? You did not say how about you said, put your fucking headphones on?
I don't think so. Hey, hang on, Chris, are you in there?
He is. Did he say put your fucking headphones on?
He said, put your headphones on. He did not say put your fucking headphones on. He never said fucking. It's a disconnect. It's a disconnect. I don't hear you.
Here's the thing is that you always think I'm way more aggressive to you than you realize.
You're right. You're you're definitely right. You're definitely right. No, I know. Because I heard you say that and I my my skin crawls and I go, put your fucking headphones on. Why would he talk to me like that? Like, I feel like we're getting along. And then also you say that. But you did not say that, right? I didn't I didn't say it aggressively at all. You didn't say put your at all.
And I think that's I think that's where, you know, maybe some of the pent up aggression might might start building up is that we kind of misread each other sometimes because we don't listen to each other.
I agree. I would agree with that because, you know, I really like you, man. Do you really? Yeah. I legit like working with you. I think every time you come in here, I have a great time, except for, you know, when you think I'm being aggressive and then you react to it. It's so funny. It's so funny.
It just happened. But it really didn't happen right now. That was entirely coming from me.
Right. I, I completely agree with you. That happened a number of times, hasn't it. Yeah. And I mean some might say that it's just like a complete nightmare, you know.
Yeah. For both of us. Well I apologize. Apology accepted. And you know what, like I feel like if my reactions might have been overly aggressive to you in the past, it was always just a reaction to you thinking I was aggressive to you.
It happened right there.
And I swear to God, if Chris wasn't in there and telling me I was wrong, I would have sincerely believed that you said that to me because and that is the base of it is me misreading, you know.
Yeah. And like, any time that you felt me being aggressive to you, as always, been just me reacting to you being aggressive.
It's so funny. You know, my you know, my mantra that fucks with my head what I talked about it on Rogen and it's it's it it's old school show. I'm sure it has to do with self-esteem.
And I think a lot of comics, like a lot of people, think comics have super big self-esteem. But my thing is what is what bothered me with the RV thing getting drugged was my mantra that keeps me up at night is so you think I'm weak? Like, that's what I it goes over and over my head as I go. People think I'm weak when I know I'm not. I know I don't think people actually think that, but I may think that about myself.
And so when I hear stuff like that, it clicks my mantra of like, why are you talking to me like that? Like, do you think do you think I'm weak like you?
And you start projecting, I start fucking I shut down and I, I turn into a dick. I have a hard time with breaking balls with people. I'm better to have balls broken on me. Does that make sense. No. Yeah. And I totally get it.
The second I try to break someone's balls it comes out very mean, right. Yeah. I've definitely noticed that over the last couple. Have I done that to you. Yeah, you've done it quite a few episodes in a row since Cornton.
For real. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. I mean that's why I, you know, that's why we probably had that bickering back and forth last episode is because I you know, you were just being you were probably reacting to something that you thought was me being aggressive.
I and I then I just like, all right, I'm done.
I definitely was reacting. I'm sure now in hindsight, I was probably definitely reacting. Yeah.
And I mean, that's the thing is that, like, I'm not holding onto any of this stuff because, you know, because I know, like. Oh, well, Bert doesn't think he was being aggressive, like he's not doing this stuff on purpose.
I texted Tom about it and I was like, hey, is there do we have a problem in and of. And he was like, no, he likes you. I think that you by the way, you really missed a fucking very interesting interaction. Have you ever seriously considered the underwear that graces your nether regions? You've got some important stuff down there. You know, thankfully, me ondes has, which is why they're changing the game with softer than soft, sustainable undies in fun.
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You want to fill me in? I don't. It might take a while. So you know how I was gone for two minutes? Yeah, I know, but a lot happened in that two minutes and off, but it would take two minutes to explain.
Just tell me so I don't know how it started, but I said something. I don't know. We were talking and I said and the doctor said, I'm going to keep these on, OK? He goes, put put your headphones on. But I heard put your fucking headphones on and I shut down again. I went and I called him. I said, why would you talk to me like that? And then he was like, I didn't.
I was like, bullshit. I just fucking heard it. And he was like, No, you didn't. And I was like, Chris, did he say, Put your fucking headphones on? By the way, they're still yelling in there. We can't hear you can't hear us. Put your fucking headphones on. So I put my headphones on and Chris goes, He did not say that. And I said he did not. And he was like, he is.
He did not. And I was like, I he didn't. And that's what's been the problem is you're reading misreading me and getting defensive and you and then you flare up. That's interesting. It is.
Well, I talk to you about this the other day. I was like, I feel like the Dalven are having butting heads and I like the DAV and I don't understand.
But it cuts into this narrative of of you know, like I, I was saying, I have an easier time letting people break my balls than busting people's balls. Every time I bust someone's balls, they misread it or I come off wrong and I hurt their feelings or I mean so I don't that's why I don't do roasts or anything because my version of ball breaking comes off a little nasty.
I don't know why. I don't know. Is that true? I'm trying to think. Yeah.
I mean, I just know every time I've ever made a joke about someone to another comic, it comes off like they always pulled me aside and then I came in.
Did you mean that you're like, how come everyone can do it to me? But I can't do it anyone else?
And I think it's the way I do it. Maybe I don't know. But I think what's the reason I don't talk about politics on stage is because I for some reason when I do it, it sounds like I like I'm I'm I'm disqualifying other people or I like it doesn't that's why I kind of just stay with having fun and just telling jokes as opposed to trying to get political or take like a stance on some shit. Yeah, that's sure that's a choice.
I mean, like I do basically the same thing. I don't do political humor. Yeah. And it's the same thing is that. Maybe I'm not my breaking of Dobbs balls always comes post me misreading something he's doing that is the more astute observation.
I think it's that you're commenting after you've read something that you didn't necessarily read correctly. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think, Nadav? No, yeah, I mean, I completely agree because like like I mean, I might have gotten a little frustrated with Bert in the past, but it's not because Bert is trying to be like that intentionally. Like he's not doing that on purpose.
You know, he's not doing what the, uh, I don't know, call it calling me out on doing stuff wrong when he didn't really do it wrong.
Yeah, but like, that's what I think it is.
I think it's like misreading stuff. And then that becomes like an echo chamber feedback loop and then just misreading a misread. A misread. A misread. Oh yeah.
Like the like you're Googling celebrity news. Yeah, I was getting very frustrated because I couldn't explain to you what was happening, but I saw what was happening. Yeah, I'm really bad. That's why the UN doesn't let me teach the kids and that's why I'm having a hard time teaching Georgia how to drive, because the things I do want me to come over, I would love it. I'm really bad at teaching George how to drive like it. It turns into a fight every fucking time.
And so I'm like and because I'm for whatever reason, I, I pick out little tiny things to focus on and I don't just tell them.
I just don't give the thing and let people do it. Yeah. I kind of micromanage it. And I was in a celebrity news, which is fucking comical if you watch it in hindsight.
Yeah, because and but it's me browbeating. I'm just not really good at giving directions or being like I'm not.
Yeah, because you think like like this and you want people to really want people to be ahead of me and be with me. Yeah. And if I had a nickel for every time on Flip or on Travel Channel, I said, fuck you, I'll just do it myself. Yeah. And I would I mean, I lost my shit so many times. Like on your crew.
Oh yeah. Oh God. Yeah. Are you done with the fucking indigestion? No. By the way, Nadav wouldn't let me put my dick on your doughnuts. That's how it started. So I said, hey, if I put my dick on his nose, you guys tell him and I'm definitely telling him he's my boss. And then I went, why would you are when you want to have fun? And then he then he said, Put your fucking headphones on.
So then I was like, that's how this started.
You left that out of the first, uh.
I've talked about Nadav with Lee-Anne, you did? Yeah, I shit so big in their hard or soft, soft, soft after sugar. It is really. Yeah. Makes me sad, you work out here today. Yeah, you already did yesterday. Not today. Not today. No, we're going to work out later. Yeah. What do you do? Powerlifting. Yeah, but I'm boxing today. Oh, for real. Yeah. I took yesterday off from running and I felt so good like I think I lose weight if I take a day off and I'm crazy.
Take multiple days, maybe I'll take a month off. I'm definitely taking three weeks off. Oh yeah. You're going to party hard.
We should do it before and after photo. Like the day you leave. Just a fucking six donuts.
I know, but the day like your bus trip with the booze and the late nights, three weeks that when you come back, do you remember episode one of this podcast?
You looked like ten pounds of shit. Let me see it on bag. Hey, I've been really good in it. Like by saying please and stuff, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder if I'm just wondering. I'm just difficult.
Jesus, hold on. Hold on. Because I remember, yeah, you were like sweating and red and I don't know if there's, like, a close up on you.
Oh my God, that's when everyone was calling me Chinese.
Are so funny is like I didn't know you don't know, you look like that. Yeah, you just think you look good. Me too. I'm the same thing. And then you see it and then you're like, God dammit, why did we change the way it used to be?
A straight yeah, we used to phase out, but I think it's better to face each other. I think it is too. Yeah. Yeah. You never know.
That's why I'm so glad we stopped with those other hash tags in the past because what was, you know, started actually smelling like shit now like I but I just go I want can I tell you what I want to do.
Yeah. When we get back to me I don't want to shower and I want to really smell like shit just to see the look on people's faces like oh you really like shit man.
Would you ever do a thing where you run, let's say five days in a row?
I do it already but not shower after any one of those. You can't. Why? Because I by the way, I have done that. What happens is you've got to clean the shit off your balls and stuff.
OK, let's say you just do that. Just clean my balls. Yeah, I could do it in a heartbeat. Clean your asshole on your balls asshole.
And balls a hundred percent and then just let the funk go if you mean I'll tell you what I could definitely do is I could definitely do five days running, just pool showers, just no soap, just pool showers. Easy.
And do you still stink after that. Oh, aggressively, yeah. Like today I just did a pool shower and I didn't put deodorant on and I was like, I was like I don't even care if I smell it just makes it funnier. Yeah. I kind of like it. You kind of like smelling. I love smelling it.
It's a fucking it's a it's a power move. It is. It is. It's sort of someone it's aggressive.
I went I was doing a podcast yesterday in the man cave on Zoome and I went in and I went to give her a kiss and she winced really. My breath was so bad I just woken up and I wanted to give a kiss made, maybe brush your teeth.
I was like, Really do you how quick do you brush your teeth when you wake up? Within a few minutes.
Oh right. When do you brush your teeth? In day. Who the fuck is that when they wake up. That is insane. Are you saying that because you're on camera, there's no way you you know, there's no way you wake up, you go brush your teeth. I'll tell you exactly what I did that's so obsessive compulsive.
My disgusting when I actually like first is the wake up. I'm a slow riser, so like I am like a fucking polar bear.
Yeah. And I take a minute to get out of bed. OK, more than a minute. OK, wait, wait.
Walk me through this eyes. Wake up. And then, you know how often how first of all, I sleep with a hostage mask around my face, around my ears and everything, OK? Why? Because I like it. Blackout can't try not to hear things. Yeah, I want to be scared in my sleep, so I sleep deep.
Oh, the. If I can, you know, I have a mom literally. Let's take this slower than faster. OK, lots of covers. Know how I know I have a cover but not lots of covers.
Like I have a sheet, a cover and a comforter on me. Just the comforter. OK, how cold is it in this room.
I'd like it to be colder, but I got the old fashioned, you know.
Sixty eight degrees in my room. Oh that'll be great. Yeah. Right, yeah. Blacked out windows like murdered out dark. So dark. Yeah. I like it dark. I love it.
That's why I sleep with a mask on to make it extra dark. Is Christina feeling better. She already out of bed.
By the time I get up. Yeah she's out of bed. So is you by yourself in bed. Yeah.
If you get murdered out mass one comforter. Yep. What are you wearing. Just boxers. Just boxers. I sleep in boxers or briefs. That's all I wear really. That's all I sleep in sweatpants. You see my sweatpants. Well now are you sleep naked with the girls. One time they all my dick. And so I had to start wearing what they say about it.
Oh my God. Is that vagina. It was during an earthquake. I ran into the bedroom and there was an earthquake and I was freaked out and was naked. And then as soon as that happened, I was like, you need to be wearing clothes when you go to bed. So if anything happens, you're clothed. Yeah. So I now I wear sweat pants. That's been probably nine years ago. Are they pretty light sweat pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wear really good sweat pants. OK, yeah. And then so I get up and when I finally sit this could be a TV show. Yeah.
Is literally I'm so curious about the small things in people's lives like because that's a cool thing about dating someone slow riser do.
When you date someone for the first time you get to see their rituals. I dated a chick who put her pajama like we slept in the same bed and then she put her pajamas under the pillow and I went, What are you doing it? She goes, Oh, everyone does that. I was like, no one does that. She's like, Are you sure? And I was like, Yeah, she was under the pillow. Yeah. So they're ready for the next day.
Yeah. So she knows where to find them. They're under the pillow.
But it was like it's so kusum like 1756 sound and shit you know. Right. Yeah. Like does she throw her piss out the window too.
No, no, no no no no. But I'll tell you man that's that always fascinated me and I've been waiting. I mean I'm now I'm just Lee-Anne. But Liam was an interesting person. When you first sleep with someone like not just fuck them. Yeah. Sleep with them. Yeah. You're like, I'm gonna sleep at your house. Leehan would lose hair in the bed like there's hair all over her pillow. Yeah. And I was like, what if I go, I can't sleep.
But this there's going be hair in my mouth. Yeah. And then all of a sudden you start to like it and you're like, oh I must I like you rip when you sleep.
Right, you snore. And how does she deal. She just deals with it.
She moves to the couch. So we're building another room for her in our new house, really like a little. Have you heard some of this Norgaard now? Why not? Because I'm a man. But you sleep better that I'm not going to sleep with something in my mouth. Why don't I have stuff in my hands, too? Like what? No, I sleep. It's but I'm out.
It just keeps your. No, no, no. But you wouldn't want to have a deeper sleep. Yeah, I would love that. That's what they can help you with that. You have one. Yeah. You have this Norgaard. Yes. Where did you get it. The dentist bullshit. Yeah.
I used to buy the one that you buy online, like on the commercials, like, hey, put this right.
And then when I went to a dentist and we talked about it, he was like, you can get like a custom-made one.
That is the shit. And then I not only lace up snoring, you sleep deeper because that snoring is like you are basically waking yourself up all the time in your sleep.
So we tell me about this, Norgaard. It's just a mouth guard that keeps your lower jaw.
You like having shit on you when you see like a face, mask, ears, things in your mouth. Like I, I go like frontier style, like just. Yeah, nothing.
This is a big game changer. I feel like I snore more.
We pull up a picture of a norgaard please, Nadav. That's pretty nice. You're so polite. I love this version just like that, just like this is what I should be like, just like these men, except you're getting a custom made one. Oh, like a grill.
It's just a mouthguard. Can you get, like, gold fronts on it?
You could probably ask how fucking funny if you had gold teeth or you slept first.
Norgaard and you just like Paul Wall or, uh, donut. Come on, man. No, no, no. Let's go back to this. So you're not even eating doughnuts. So let's go back to this. So you you wake up, you said a dozen easy.
I know I overshot. I don't need all my calories in one sitting today. So so you wake up and then you just roll around in bed. You grab your phone. Yeah. A lot of mornings I'll grab the phone and, you know, start looking at texts and emails and sometimes news.
But I if I, if I'm like aware of myself, I try not to do that first, you know, I try to and then I get up, I sit up on the edge of the bed.
I'm like, fuck you sit up on the edge of the bed. Like, brace yourself. Like, yeah. Mm hmm. And then it's almost immediately always to take a leak. You know, I wake up and I go take a leak.
I've already pissed. I usually piss around 5:00 in the morning. Sometimes I've done that, but I usually take like that.
I do that first piss and then I walk to the sink and I brush my teeth.
You go right to the sink and from the pisser. Yeah. Now, here's what I'm asking you.
Do you think that most people don't brush their teeth or use mouthwash or something when they get up? Yeah. And do you think most people brush for the first time midday? Yeah. You only that everyone's mouth would be totally disgusting by midday.
No, I think a lot of people get up who brush their teeth before they have coffee. Everybody have y you then you have, you have that funky morning mouth and then you put coffee on it.
This is impossible. I what's impossible. What's impossible. That you'd wake up, brush your teeth and then go eat.
Yeah. No you eat and then you brush all that out of your mouth. No you brush them more like the night mouth out of you and you brush again. Yeah. Like ten o'clock. Sure. How many times you brush your teeth. Four times a day.
Oh the real if not real. You're doing this a bit. No it's not a bit. You brush your teeth four times a day. Sometimes you brush it at night too. Of course if I brush it at night I'm definitely not brushing in the morning.
I haven't put anything in my mouth. There's been nothing in my mouth all night.
So it's still clean, but it smells like shit. Like when your wife went. Hold on, hold on. I can't call her. I'm calling her right now. That's I can't believe that. I've never I've never awake to see when Leon brushes her teeth, so I don't know, but I can't imagine you'd wake up and then like, go brush your teeth like it's like your communi.
You alive. How are you alive? Hey, babe, how you're on the podcast with me and Tom. How soon after waking up, opening your eyes, do you brush your teeth? Kevin. Like, you hold on, you like wake up and then you go brush your teeth, you know, I wake up and I go to the bathroom with my clothes on and. If you had a ballpark, at what point of a day do you think I brush my teeth?
Every three day wait, Lee-Anne. Liane, are you mortified by his dental hygiene? Yes, completely. I won't do it. He also said that nobody wakes up and brushes their teeth. I do. Yeah, I know.
I think most people do. Tom said he brushes his teeth four times a day. I do not do that.
Yeah, OK. I said sometimes. How do you brush your teeth twice a day. Yeah. Yeah, everybody does. Twice a day.
No, sometimes I do more. What percentage of this population do you think brushing your teeth twice a day. I'm going to say thirty five percent. Ninety.
I'm going online. I love you. Wait, wait, wait. Hang on. Hang on.
Listen, Bert had six doughnuts again.
I love you, baby. Bye. OK, we're taking this on Twitter. How many. How OK, what's the question. Yes or no. Do you brush your teeth twice a day. OK, please be honest. Gosh, do you brush your teeth twice a day.
Do you do a poll. It's a great idea and I'll do that, see it happen to me again when I was like, what the fuck did you think I was doing? Did you think I was just texting or something? Yeah, yeah. I got them.
And I'm still fucking boys texting all that. I got to fucking stop with the way I hear things because it wasn't aggressive now, but I was definitely doing a pull. There's a pull versus just the question, right.
Yeah. Yeah, OK. I don't know. He didn't know if you're doing a Twitter poll or not, you know. I got to work on me, man, I got a lot of problems. Your number one problem is you haven't eaten any fucking doughnuts, please. Yeah, now I'm starting to think it's a prank and not a prank.
Roofies and no pole. Yes. Twice. You want another eight second doughnut? Yeah, no, I'm normal.
How do you think it's normal, to be honest?
Do you brush your teeth twice a day? Yes, twice a day. So you can have one, two twice a day. No, I'm not a lunatic. I'm not a lunatic. There we go. All right, we're going to check to see how many people brush your teeth twice a day. I floss every day, that's my problem is where the fuck did he go, I'm talking to nobody right now. No, no, no. You're talking you're talking to me.
He went to go warm up some donuts. So what do you think the number is going to be right now? Like, what's the what's the proportion?
I really think thirty five percent of the population brush their teeth twice a day.
I think it's going to be really surprised. See, I floss nonstop. That's good, flossing is good. I probably floss eight times a day. You floss eight times a day at least, and I water pick every day. Why do you think that people wouldn't, uh, brush in the morning, though?
It just seems like I would. I don't want to like my biggest problems. I don't like the taste of toothpaste. Like, I really don't like to taste. Don't you try some different toothpaste.
So I broke this and it all happened and it off. Would you break? Yeah. Yeah, I broke the table. So everything's still hanging on, we'll fix it after. I solar now warmed up. It's like a throw up. Yeah. You know, the things interesting, I've never seen someone never had someone look like like my dick, like that was like you do your fingers, like you can probably work that out.
Uh. All right, here we go. I just posted the poll. OK, let's see how many people have replied. And this is just a quick little. And tell me about your poll, how you worded it again, 50 50 right now, guys. And what's the question? Please be honest. Do you brush your teeth twice a day? One of the answers was yes, twice a day. And in other words, no, I'm not a lunatic.
And right now we have it is 50 50 and we've had 580 people vote, OK? I just think twice a day is overdoing it and I think.
What do you think? You think once a day is the way to go? And it's always midday, midday.
Cut it in half. Get this what you do, you start your day and get up. Murder some coffee right out the gate. Right.
Simply go through the news, I get on the treadmill, a attacks note, do not brush your teeth because you don't want your teeth stuttering so much fucking mouth still watering your coffee table like an outdoor shower I haven't used. I will need to shower by Indore 10 times this entire quarantine. I love showering outdoors. I'm putting an outdoor shower at the new house. I'm not a hundred percent. I'm never going to shower indoors again. Well, you have soap and stuff out there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have this one stop soap. It's a Fiji, Old Spice, Fiji. It's like a body wash. Hair wash. Yeah.
I love it. I'll see do use. So yeah. Yeah. You soap and then. And then. And then go inside after you done and after a shower, get dressed and then brush your teeth and came, come here, that's why I do it. OK. And then and then I'm not going to, like, overdue for bed, you know. But what if I'm going to fuck. Yeah, but what if you had dinner and there's all kinds of shit.
Oh I've lost, I've lost aggressively. I probably that's maybe that's where I'm not being clear. I floss nonstop. I always have a flutter on me and I have them in the car. I flushers everywhere I buy.
When I go to the store I buy these ones, these glide ones and I buy like packs of them about like seven packs and I'll put the packs everywhere. So there's one by my recliner, a pack by my recliner, or if some of the bathroom near my bed. What are you going to do with these new teeth. You're going to do all new teeth. Yeah. Vanier's, yeah.
So just replace probably a lot of bonding so my teeth are all fucked up. Let's see. They don't look all fucked up. No they're all fucked up. The insides I got hit in the mouth the baseball bat and then I knocked some out of my body. We just had tubing one time and then I've and then I got some knocked out in a fight. I got I've gotten teeth knocked out all the time. So you go white, you're, you know, bright white.
I think I'm going to go like like sitcom star white. Yeah.
Like aggressively. Here's my problem. An extra big, larger than average. So people are like little guys, I can tell you want them to be, if I'm going to pay money, I want them to notice them. Yeah, you got regular teeth. You got, like, regular Mantee idea. I saw that picture and I was like, you wouldn't take these two. Now, there are two average yeah, like I want them to really stand up, pull out what Tom Cruise's teeth look like, he's got some big teeth.
Yeah. Does he? I think so. He had won his Senate tooth was off center back in the day. You ever see that? Here you go. Those are aggressive teeth and big mouth, big teeth. What comic do you think has the best teeth? Kouf best teeth.
Joe's got real teeth. Joe does have. Those are his teeth. Yeah. Or he has his teeth. Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey's got great teeth. Oh, let me see. Steve Harvey's teeth.
Yeah. We've obviously got real look. Oh, by the way, that's so funny, I can look at his teeth and I recognize that's him. Yeah, like just you look at his teeth. I bet if you posted that online you like. Whose mouth is this? You go, Steve Harvey, do you think if I brought in Steve Harvey's teeth and I was like, can you get me these teeth that then I could recreate Steve Harvey's mouth in my mouth and people go, there's something about him he looks like.
I wonder if you could do that, like if you could, like, signal to people who's the most successful person in the world, who's the most successful person in the world?
And then I'll get identical teeth to him. I want you to like Bill Gates or pull up Bill Gates teeth. Bill Gates. I bet he has his own team. I bet he has his own teeth to I their nerd teeth. Yeah, those are just regular teeth. I know how like riding a bike. Wow. Those are really regular teeth.
Like to implant microchips and all the Americans. And I'm going to do with the coronavirus. Type in nerd teeth. OK, I want to go hey, can I get some nerd teeth and. Can't be perfect. What about Elon Musk teeth? Let's see what his oh, I guarantee you, he says he thought he had a sister who he is such a huge fan of hers. Yeah, those are no go to L.A., L.A. now, though, I bet those are old teeth.
Really? Yeah, but those are old teeth. Hmm. OK. Oh, no, I guess I guess he's never had his teeth done, no way got his hair done. Oh, he was losing his hair. Yeah. Look, I love when you find out people that were losing their hair and then they got airplay. And I know who are the big ones. The best one out there is Joel McHale and Tosh. I've never seen.
I never seen. Let me go Google. Google Joel McHale, by the way. I think Joel McHale looked good when he was losing his hair. I actually liked I think his hair right now is awesome. I would love his hair. But Joel McHale, when he was losing his hair, was great fucking hair loss, like it was still cool. Like I didn't have a problem with it, like I would that I was drunk. Picture.
Yeah, I still good hair loss. He did. Yeah. I think, Tasha, if you look at season two, one or two of his show just point out you can see the thinning and then yeah. He did like an excellent. You get to just a jailhouse hair, you know, before and after hair, I don't remember I remember him his I remember his hair, him losing his hair a little bit. Look. Oh, yeah.
All thinned out and I got full head and looks good, looks fucking awesome. Yeah, hey, once again, we never did. We always wanted to talk about you doing hair hair club for men. Well, you get a straight up wig. Oh, we only get wigs. Yeah. Yeah. We only get wigs, wigs, why not hair transplant and what I don't know, where do they take it? Is it that good? Yeah, look at those guys hair.
Yeah, but I don't want to look different than I look now. I think people only see me with a hat on. So I wear hats so much I still have a fucking great head of hair. Got in front of that bus, was that a wig? You said you want to see me in a wig. So would you do long hair course? What's the point of a fucking wig? Yeah, you see me in a wig? Yeah, another doughnut.
What are you doing? Now you're done. I might be. You were going to hit a dozen easy or try.
You know, I have diarrhea and I pushed. You ready for this fine, tell me if you think I look good. See, hang on. Whoo! Tasteful, notably an. She said she needs no, I taken when she's not looking. She called me one time.
She was like, do you take a fucking picture of me? And I was like, No, I'm talking about. You ready? Yeah. And I don't know how I do that all the time, yes, but, you know, I do it for real.
Yeah, nobody clears their throat and chest like you. I can't it's cost him. This guy is a good looking dude, huh? Yeah, how long was that? Seven years ago, really? Mm hmm. The good there. Yeah, I was my fortieth birthday.
I was a great fuckin thing for having one of them show me what to do.
Come on. Try to find a picture of me with with long hair. I kind of love Vegemite. I can't find it, so I wanted to tell you the story. You know, I have a fear of balloons. Yeah. Oh, my fortieth birthday, they took the people in Australia, filled my room with balloons, not knowing the whole thing with with helium balloons.
And I was like I went downstairs. I was like, I have a fucking terrible fear of balloons. I can't sleep in that room. So they tried to switch rooms or they couldn't get me a different room. And there are so many balloons, I couldn't get rid of the balloons. They have nowhere to put them so that I had to sleep in a room full of fucking balloons and I had to get piss drunk in order to fucking sleep in this room, right?
Mm hmm. So in the middle of the night, I'm laying there. I'm looking at these balloons, and they'd put them in so early that the helium dropped out of them. And it was like New Year's Eve. A thousand balloons went from the fucking roof onto my bed, just like all the helium just dropped out and they all crashed all over my bed. That's one story. Here's the better story. I'm looking for this picture. I mean, my shirt off.
I get it. Here's a better story.
I to tell you the story about the time I was at the I was at the stress factory in New Jersey. Yeah. And the girl there was an me guy there, Mickey Gall, and he was telling everyone how to do choke out holds. Yeah. I have to tell you the story. I don't think so. Oh, this is one of my favorite stories. So we're all in the thing. We're talking about chokeholds. And this girl behind the bar is like, I use chokeholds real.
And they're like, yeah, it's real. She goes, how do you do one?
And they're like, oh, super easy. So this guy that worked there is like a camera. Do it to me.
She's like, OK, you take one arm, put it under my chin, then take your other arm, put it behind my neck and all you do is squeeze.
And she goes, OK, so she puts her arm under his chin, puts her head like this and squeezes out his book and is like this and he taps her. But no one had taught her what the tap meant. So she just keep squeezing on isn't working.
If it works out all that up she just goes oh cool. And walks it. No one had taught her what the top was. It was the best. I couldn't stop laughing because I saw it happening when I was drinking and I couldn't go, oh, this means stop. This means stop.
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Hey, let's go to the Perigord commercial. Another one. No, we got a feedback right. Oh yeah. One of the actresses from the commercial reached out. Yes, she did. What did she say? What she say and did we get? Do we get? Did people give us some more feedback from the crowd?
The birth control doesn't make me feel sick or anything. This is simply a commercial to let you know that you can blow loads and her like I've been letting dos blow low to me for a long time, but I was always concerned. Now I'm not. So you can blow loads in me. Everyone comes at me. Hey, if you want people to come in you, this is how you can do it safe.
Now I can let everyone come and me because I've got Perigord and so and we've been talking about coming in each other so much is that someone made, you know, prolific. Meems made that. So she said casually listening to two words. When you guys are talking about Perigord, I'm in that commercial and I just hear how she goes. I'm the yoga mat chick. I never thought I'd have to hear that song again. Thanks for that. And how did she hit you up?
Uh, Instagram. Tell her to reach out to her, see if she can call us to call us.
I want to talk to you about the commercial. I'm obsessed with this part of our commercial right now.
Give me your phone. Give me your number now.
Just text her and be like, yo, samier digits. I tell you, she's not on right now. How do you know? Because it comes on like you have a dot when you know.
Yeah, but if you text them, it comes into there. Some people get notifications, say, hey, we're doing two bears, one cave, and we'd love to talk to you about Perigord. All right. I wonder if other people found that commercial as funny as I found it. I think I'm the only one that found it that funny.
I think you are. Yeah. Let's see.
I'll tell you if she responds and then the. Perigord Co. learned how to play that side of me.
I was really thinking about ways to spruce up their their their branding. Really? Yeah. You want to tell I haven't I haven't really come up with. I've been writing my own songs for their commercials. I learn how to play the guitar. So we'll see. Maybe I'll just razzle dazzle them. Surprise them.
Hmm. See, hear. So far, no response. We'll see.
Maybe for you if you could. If you could. If you could get out. Go ahead. Go ahead. You do. Go ahead. Now, I wanted to see.
What do you think? Not today. On a normal day, your caloric intake is got to be drinking or not drinking.
Yes, Kool aid, no alcohol. Oh, I would say probably around 3000 calories is your intake, 3500 that just went up some 500 calories, which had an extra burrito like.
So yesterday I had a rough day. Tell me about your rough day. Well, I figured out how to make the perfect breakfast burrito.
So what you do, I'm going to take these off. Is that OK it off?
It sure is.
But go ahead. What? Because she's typing right now. Oh, so. Oh, perfect. Yeah. Um, so what I started doing with breakfast burritos, I, I love an egg runny. OK, yeah. But and I don't like a hard scrambled egg. I like a scrambled egg. Mm hmm.
And what I'd been doing is I'd been trying to find a middle ground of like an overeasy egg inside a breakfast burrito, overeasy egg inside.
OK, and so because I didn't like it scrambled in a breakfast burrito. So what I found out yesterday is what you do is you take the egg. OK, what did you say?
Oh, well, she said she said, I'm still under contract with Perigord, not sure if I would be in breach of that.
Good call. Tell her good call and tell her. Very, very smart. Very smart. Ask her if we can get the people who did the we want to be a do a commercial for Perigord where it's just us coming in, girls all over the place and giving them pair guards. I think I want to text her that. I have to wait. You said yesterday you had a rough day of talking about. I learned how to sew. I learned to take me through the day.
OK, you wake up, make note of what he says, please wake up hungry, which is bad.
Yeah, this is really bad. Right? How often does that happen? Not often. I usually fast for six hours. Really. Yeah. That's why I don't brush my teeth. So brush my teeth when I get like. All right, here we go.
Wake up hungover and hungry, and no one's awake. Everyone's Lianne's gone. No one's in the house. So now this is bad for me.
Yeah, because you're like, this is permission to go. Yeah. No one's going to go, hey, what are you doing? Yeah. So I get these, we got these these homemade have it done it home. I told you I'm done. I'm done. You're done. Yeah. We met, we had these homemade tortillas like homemade. So they're fucking really, really good. So I go, I get two pieces of bacon already cooked in the fridge.
I get two eggs, I get a homemade tortilla, a little cheese.
And what I did is, do you know El Yucatec other hot sauce? No. Yucatec has some really, really hot sauce.
And it's like it's hot, it's hot hot sauce. What I did is I've been putting ranch in my El Yucatec, so I like do a bottle and empty bottle.
I pour half into one bottle to tap half and I fill it up with ranch. So it's really fucking good. You've got to eat it quick as it goes bad. Yeah. You got you've got to be really in the mood for putting hot sauce and ranch on a lot of shit like pizza salads, chicken. I put Yucatec on ranch on just about everything. OK, so I take two eggs and I'm going to do them overeasy. And what happens is one of the eggs, the yolk breaks and then I'm like, fuck that really fucked up overeasy egg for me.
So then I went to go scramble, scrambling and in scrambling them, what I realized like like do a quick scramble. But when I realized what happened is all the yellows were staying on top and I was like, I got an idea.
So what I did is I kind of did a quick scramble, then moved into the side of the pan. Mm hmm. So they're cooking from the bottom up, but there's still a lot of runny yellow that you want, which I was what I want. I take the bacon, I put it in the pan. So I start warming up the bacon. I put one of the tortillas in. I put cheese on it. So it's melting in the pan.
Then I take this egg that still has a runny top and I flip it runni top down onto the cheese and I let it kind of warm in the tortilla. So it almost like firms up, but not a lot. Put the bacon on top, pull it off Yucatec and ranch on the top.
And I fucked it up so quick that halfway through I was like, this was like a house of cards falling apart my hands. I was like, I'm going to make him another one of these.
So I make another one, but times to make another one.
This time I went with one egg because I thought there was a lot of egg. I wonder if I if I did one egg, if it would be better. One egg doesn't count. You need due to X Y and I bring in another egg fucking stat. Yeah. Crack it. Two eggs in. I fucking destroy those.
Mm hmm. So that was breakfast. That was breakfast. What time is this. Probably this has got to be.
Eleven, that's when you get up. Yesterday I woke up late Yehya 11 when she said Yeah she's very nice.
Eleven o'clock and so then I have a cup of coffee. I go outside to talk to Ari for like an hour and a half on the phone. Yes, yeah I know we are and we really got into it.
I know. You know when I, you know when this was, remember when we sent the text first thing in the morning, we sent the text about I was right about the observation I had about the. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So then we got on the phone. I might have had the I might have had coffee then come in and make the Brito's. So I made the Britos and then went back in bed and went on my phone and scrolled Lee-Anne came home and was like What are you having for lunch.
And I was like I haven't eaten yet. So we had Chinese food.
So I had a I had moo shu pork burrito.
And then and then I think I didn't need again until dinner was dinner, pizza, the homemade pizza and what kind of pizza is that? One was with onions and mushrooms. One was a pepperoni, one was with bacon and one with cheese. What do you mean how many pizzas? They had four pizzas and I ate one of everything. And French fries and French fries and beers and beers and beers.
Probably because you say beers for Sam Adams beers, a glass of buffalo trace, a bottle of wine and another glass of buffalo trace. So for three years to Buffalo Trace's and a bottle of wine to Buffalo Trace's in a bottle of wine, and then what about Kool-Aid yesterday in Kuwait?
OK, how much did you have? Probably two of these.
A gallon of Kool-Aid? Yeah, in the in the sauna. And I ran five miles. I think I ran five miles.
It's called my trader, see, should I tell?
I also had some General Tso's chicken, you might want to put that in there. General Tso's chicken, OK. All right. That, by the way, that does not look good when you look at it like that, you're like that looks really bad, but throughout the day it kind of makes sense.
Throughout the day, it does make sense for pizzas. French fries, three beers, two whiskeys, one bottle of wine, a cooler. That should be a shirt high. Damn.
All right. Hmm. That does not look healthy. Wake up hungry. So four eggs, two servings of cheese, four pieces of bacon, two tortillas, ranch with hot sauce, coffee burrito, General Tso's chicken, four pizzas, French fries, three, four years, two whiskeys, one bottle of wine and one gallon of Kool-Aid.
A ginger. You just do. Can you just do that. Can you flip. Put. The three beers on its own line, yeah, put the French fries on its own line. Yeah, I just like I think it looks beautiful when you say four pizzas, French fries, three beers, two whiskeys, bottle of wine gallon. Again, it's a new shirt for you. You guys are here for pizza and French fries, three beers, two whiskeys, bottle of wine bilingually.
I'm not I don't know. But calorically, I think you're definitely above 3500. Yes, you are. Definitely. Probably am. Yesterday was a bad day for me. Yeah, and did you sleep well? I don't know. Let's check my oh yeah. Check my my my wub.
Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, God damn it, man, is it seven forty two a.m. oh my whoopers catching up. It'll give me my sleep in a second, OK.
Um, it's still in yesterday's p.m. note in today's A.M.. So 742 and I woke up I think eight because I ran a red are great today. You did. Yeah. That's the crazy thing is that my core is fucking through the roof.
Like my course, strong shit, I bet I can outflank you, I bet I can outflank you by at least a minute by at least a minute. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Oh, yeah, 100 percent.
All right. We should do that. We should do that competition. How long do you think you should hold a plank? I don't know. I bet I can hold a plank for three minutes. See what the average person can roleplaying for Nadal, please. You know, this not funny, this is something that's come up in my life a lot, Liane was the first one to call me out on it. I ran into problems with cow heads, the person that.
If you can't hold a pint for one hundred twenty seconds, you're either too fat, too weak or doing something wrong in your workouts. A fit, healthy guy should be able to hold a two minute plank. I bet I can hold a three minute point. Is a four minute plank good? How long do you think you think you do a two minute plank? Yeah, for real. Put your money where your mouth is. OK, right now.
And do it right now after these donuts and everything. Yeah, that's a bad idea. Kool-Aid and donuts.
So I was I had an issue with this happened to me with the.
Carmen, who answers the phone for towhead, we were on a cruise and she was doing what happened with me in Adap.tv, and then I looked at her and I was like, what the fuck is this like? She being, like, contrite? And he was like, no, no, she's great. And I actually was like, it was so fucking similar to what's happening with me.
And I was like, why is she giving me fucking attitude? What happened?
She says, I don't like you. I said, Why? Because you're rude. I go, I'm not fuck you, I'm not rude. And she was like, you are. You treat me like I'm not an equal. And then I was like, you're not like, but it's really arrogant, but I go on like you're not like, what do you mean? Like I'm like I'm a loss because in a weird in a weird way, at the time I was thinking.
It's it's you're not coward. It's a show you're not as co-host, you're just part of the team like like I'm also a comedian. I've really worked hard to get to where I am. So but I don't think, like, we're not we're not going to go back and forth like we're like we're both equals, like comedically like. Right. And then Cow Head was like, explain to me how important she was to him to the show. Right.
But she just wants to be treated equally. Just, you know, she as a person.
Right. I didn't understand what was happening. And this is why I get lost sometimes. I mean, she said when you call, you don't say hi to me.
And I want to say, I will go, hey, it's Berte is cow the cow? Yeah, she was like, Yeah, you don't say hi to me. And then LeAnn called me on. It goes, That's true. You're an asshole.
To people on the phone. I go, bullshit. She goes, No. If you think it's I think it turns into where I don't find value in certain things that I can't empathize with immediately.
Like I would never be an asshole to an open mic or because I've been through that path. But maybe someone who answers phones or produces a podcast and I'm done trying to be disrespectful, but like because I produced my own podcast by myself and for so long and I did all of it by myself, I've done that job in my head. Once again, I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but I've done that job so I don't put a lot of weight in that job in my head.
But I don't do what he does or what. This seems a little bigger than what I did.
Yeah, but I just go like like I was like that with Holcim for a while because I was like, I would get angry. I do. I got angry yesterday because I was like we hired another person for this tour. And LeAnn was like, I think we're not Makima maximizing our money. I was like, no fat, no fucking shit.
We were a team of eight people, of all things I used to fucking do.
And this girl, Carmen, said it would mean so much if you just said hi to me on the phone when I answered it and I went, That's it.
And she was like, yeah, that would make me feel like I'm a person and I was like, oh, I was like, Wait, I'm not making you feel like a person because I didn't like Kormann. I really liked karma. And I thought we got along. Same with me in the job. I thought we got along. But then I found out that I was just treating them. I wasn't treating them right. And I don't know why I fucking do that, because you know me.
I'm not that person at all.
No, no. But in these scenarios with people that work for my friends, I don't treat them as well as I should.
What do you why do you think that is like? Why do you think that is?
I don't know, I really don't know. I wish I wish I had an inkling.
I'm going to guess this is going to be a very vulnerable guess, but I'm going to guess, OK? I would get upset when I was a kid if people said. You got to meet Dave, he's the funniest guy in the world. Yeah, I'd be like, hold on, I'm right here. Like, what are we talking about, Dave? Over there? Like, yeah. And especially if one of my friends did it. If if I had a friend who was like, dude, you know, it's fucking hilarious, I would be like, my name better come out of their fucking mouth.
Yeah, because if it doesn't, we're going to problems.
I think I become catty with ownership of friends like I like and I that's what I thought it was by the way. For real. Yeah. Oh. Are you telling me this because I wanted to hear you say it. Will you tell me the rest then. No, no I, I, I think it's a very relatable thing that like you get possessive of a friend so like with like it's Carmen right.
With. Yeah. Yeah. And so like I think that's at the root of what you're talking about.
Yeah, and I think there's like I think that I go, wow, this is going to sound very fucking shitty, but I go, you know, I'm more important to him than you are. Yeah, I think that's what goes on in my head. Right. Yeah, you explicitly said that last time, I think, yeah, and I'm saying it again, OK. Have you never been in a relationship where someone's being vulnerable?
You'll just jump on them. Off you go. That's very easy for you to realize.
Birdwing is you're not you're not a bad you're not a bad guy and you're not. No, I don't think. But it's good to take it to have awareness about like you're recognizing it in both cases and, you know, you know, just like you've been doing it today where you're like, you know what you're saying, please. You're being polite. I would do it. I caught myself doing it. I called into my manager's assistant and I just went, Hey, Judy there?
Yeah. And they Liane's like, hey, how about take two seconds and say hi to that person? Yeah.
And I mean, I do that. I guess I just I said to LeAnn, I was like, fuck that person. They have a job to do. Their job is to answer that fucking phone and put that person on the phone. I don't have time to go around saying hi to everybody I like. Why can't I just go now?
I think there's some there is some like, uh, truth to to that because, I mean, also, if you have if you're a bunch of shit going on and somebody what makes because it makes me crazy to like let's say I call it let's say you were an agent and somebody goes by Krisha's office and I'm calling and they go crash.
I was like, hi. And they go, well, can I how can I help you? Like, I'm calling Burt. Yeah, this is your job.
You answer the phone to put that guy on the phone. Yeah, I would like to talk to Burt. Yeah. You know who I am. It came up on you call it, you know, Burt, you know. You know, and I get that too. Yeah. And LeAnn got really shitty with me and I said, I don't trust guys.
Maybe also I'm also really quick. The problem I've had with masks is the same reason I like clowns. Yeah. Is I need to read you. I need to and I, I don't I don't need to play games and be.
I used to fucking hate when I'd hang out with Monica Barakat was a friend of mine. She was an assistant agent over at ICM and she's now an agent. I think she lives in Florida now. But I would hang out, hang out with her and I knew her and she would tell me the comics that I knew that would call in and they'd kind of like talk to her on the phone and make her laugh. And I was like, get us disingenuous bullshit.
That's them trying to, like, butter you up so that you are on there like it's a game. Don't like if I was calling my agent, I want to just call and I won't talk to them. I'm not going to fucking try to play a game and flirt with you. And just so that is such a crazy thing.
And then I realized, well, all these people that are sissons become exact. One day you should have butter them up and they would have liked you. Right. And I was like, I'm sitting here trying to be honest and real and I'm fucking shooting myself in the foot. This has been a very insightful podcast emotionally for me. I need to go back into therapy.
I think I think you should do what if they're going to do that?
Hinduism, my nose is itching like crazy today. Why don't you like zoom therapy? Like, you know, I was doing therapy.
You're going to fucking find this very bright. But I was lying in it because I was afraid someone was going to steal the feed and posted online.
And I was afraid that if they did that because, like, it was like like I was doing therapy over so Rocktober and I was lying the entire time is like, how are you doing? And I was like, great, I'm doing awesome. Just because you didn't want to I didn't want anyone to go, hey, I wonder if person therapy shit. We can steal that camera, put it online. I get paranoid about the zoom therapy too.
Yeah. I think there's certain things I won't even bring up. You know, if he brings up I'm like Alice. I was mouse. Yeah. I was lying about everything I and so I was like, well this can't be healthy. I wasn't lying about everything, but I just wasn't sharing things that were important that I knew were important.
Violent impulses fucking. So you think weak like fucking all this shit.
I think I did therapy when Ari referred me. Yeah, but it was like I couldn't, I couldn't, I told the therapist, this is by the way, I'm glad we're talking about this now. Yeah. And I might have talked about this then. And I talk to you about this. I talked to Whitney about this, but I couldn't explain to him that I don't live in the world he lives in, that I don't get those opportunities.
Like he was like, this is outrageous. You need to call the police. I go, I can't do that.
He's like, no, you can.
And I was like, you telling the therapist, I'm like, can we just stop there? Because that's not going to happen. So let's let's get in that he goes, well, how are we going to solve this? I know there's no solving it. And he's like, well, then what are we talking about?
I was like, OK, maybe we shouldn't be doing this. He's like, why can't you just go? I'm done with this guy. I hate him. I go, because that's not going to happen.
And I go, listen, I'm talking about how am I going to share this on a podcast with my friends and have feelings about it, but represent those feelings but not be a fucking pussy, but also be real. And he was like, that's impossible.
No one will behave like that. I was like, welcome to the world of podcasting. Yeah.
It was like and so so I just was like, I fuck this. It's like you live and we live in such a different world than than when it comes to like. I'm so hyper aware of shit, I'm so hyper aware of shit that no one pays attention to, but that I go like way like hardcore Sieger time.
Yeah. Can I fucking. No, no, because because some stuff sometimes is like like, I don't know, I pick up on nuances like like like a perfect example is, um, I try not to post myself drinking or having a good time during quarantine. Like, any time I did it, I tried not to share that because because I know that people are struggling and I know that that is representation. Like when the Black Lives matters, things came out and everyone was posting the black box.
I knew everything was very volatile. I had someone coming to my house to give me a haircut and I canceled it. And Leanna's like, well, you can't get your haircut. I go, it doesn't feel right to get a haircut in the middle of this turmoil. She's like, it's a fucking haircut. And I was like, yeah, I know. I could trust me if you get a haircut and then the next day you're on social media and like, so everyone was dying in the streets and protesting and you went and got a haircut.
I go, yeah. And like, I think the average person goes, that doesn't mean anything. I got a haircut. And you go, Yeah, but I'm hyper aware of certain shit where I go. This telegraphs weird. I never posted any of the cool shit I did on Travel Channel, on social media, like when I had like a private fucking a private boat in Puerto Rico. I remember starting to videotape it and going, it just seems like I'm rubbing it in like like most people use social media.
Go look how bad ass my life is. I hide a lot of that. Any time something really great happens to me that I go, oh, this would be what saved my friends in high school. We share I don't share it because I go I don't want people to think that's what I think social media is or think that that is where my ticket sales go that I like. I want you to know that I am appreciative. Yeah. And that I care.
And so, like, I'm hyper aware of that shit where a therapist or a wife may not see those spots. Yes.
I definitely don't like I didn't post perfect example when you took me on the on the ride. I recorded it, but I recorded it for us to share. My parents never to put it on social media. Right. You know. Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of stuff that makes sense. Yeah. Well, you can read I was trying to get this buddy to jump on a call about diet. Yeah. I thought to be funny. Who.
Sean. Like he's a trainer and stuff. So I just, I just texted him like he just want a quick call. He hasn't written back. Yeah. Yeah. OK, I wanted to.
What did you eat today. What did you eat yesterday. Just out of curiosity yesterday.
Let's see. Um. Who was yesterday? We came in here, so, oh, yeah, so breakfast, two whole eggs, four egg whites, a piece of Ezekial bread, never mind.
And what did you have for yesterday? What did you eat? Fucking two egg whites in your bread for breakfast?
I had some coffee and then I had a tuna melt. I'd have to tune them out for lunch and then the other half for dinner. You had three tuna melts yesterday. I had half a tuna melt for lunch and the rest of it for dinner, he's put it between like, what did you have for breakfast? Just coffee. Yeah, I don't eat breakfast. So you only had maybe like 800 calories yesterday.
It was from, like a deli. So I don't know, let's rounded up to like over a thousand, maybe like 1500.
I mean, did you work out now? Do you smoke? I do. Do you drink? Not often. Not really a big drinker.
I don't trust that. I don't know. Like, how do you like. So if you have a drink, do you just go? I'll have one drink and then I'm going to go to bed.
Um, no, I mean I don't really have a drink because of like it's a social thing for me.
OK, do you smoke weed a lot. Yeah. Oh there it is. Never mind. Yeah. I just people that you can just do you drink social thing.
I want to be social.
You had by the way, most people cannot relate to your evening yesterday.
A bottle of wine, two bourbons, three beers and you're like, oh I'm partying tonight.
You're going on the road. I'm going to get my body ready for touring so you can't just go raw dog get on the road.
Should be like having headaches in the morning.
You've got to get your fucking like, build it up, build it up, get ready. I'm partying tonight. It's tonight when you get on the bus.
No, I'm partying tomorrow night, but I'm partying tonight.
Does that mean what'll happen tonight? I already texted it. First thing I woke up, I texted a group of people and said, who wants to party? Got my replies. And I was like, perfect landing workouts like, are we fucking partying tonight? I was like, definitely partying tonight.
Nice Laub larp laub. Was that Google? It is so good.
Laura Bethwaite people coming over tonight. We're going over to a friend's house to party.
Yeah. To party before I get on the thing. They're Asian and so we're going to eat Laub by the way, I was going to be healthy today at eight fucking donuts.
Laub, can you do two more? No. No, if you can blank for four, what did we have anything else we wanted to talk about that we got to wrap up why we've got to go two minutes with one minute, OK?
OK, freestyle. Go for it.
I was listening to the new run the Jewels on the treadmill today, and it was so good that I was done my run and I was still dancing on the treadmill. Nice Foch. I got to listen.
I wish I could really rap. Oh I'm talking to Trinidad James today. What do I do. I say anything to eat for free on behalf of you. You love the shoes he sends you. Yeah.
Yeah. Thanks so much. Thanks for sending four pairs.
Four pairs of those cards man. Appreciate it.
Uh all right. Yeah. I mean just tell me you should tell them how you can naturally freestyle. Yeah. And then I think I think me and him probably have a lot in common. I think you'll like it. I like you. Like you.
I can't wait. I can't fucking wait. All right.
Let's, um. Twenty seconds. Yeah, we can just go now. Nope, you want to keep talking 15 seconds, just give me one freestyle. Uh, my name is Tom. I like to. Sitt. Hey, guys, thanks for watching. Two bears, one cave. Another great episode. Was a lot of fun. I love you. We love you. I love you. All right. Bye bye. Tom Sonnenberg one goes topless while the other wears the shirt.
Tom tells stories in Birds Machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call there's a. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humour, no apologies. Here's what I recall call. So there's one case.