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Do you, uh, do you watch porn while you're taking a shit.

Yeah, I watch porn doing everything.

I, uh, I won't even play. I don't plan on it. But what happened. I don't plan on it either. You know what it is?

Is that because of Twitter? Because I'll get on Twitter to take a shit and like you're scrolling and someone will tag like little tag me and something.

You're like, what's this like?

Wow, that's a lot of cocks in her mouth. And then and and then you're like, what's her name?

So then you start like looking in her profile and you're like, well, she does this a lot. And then like you're sitting there like I was sitting here taking a shit for twenty five minutes.

I guess you suck my dick poking out of the top. I will porn will show up on my phone and I won't even realize I'm doing it.

Yeah, I did it one time. The worst was a drop off for Illo in Georgia. One time I'm just sitting on my phone and get something on Twitter and then you click it. Now you're looking at porn and Leon just came up goes he's looking at fucking porn at school. I was like I don't even really have you.

So have you had. Because you know we grew up with like scrambled TV and tapes and now everybody has a porn device in their hands. Have you had the porn because you have girls? Like, I'm more paranoid that like in a few years, like fucking Elvis will be seventy.

Like you seen this girl suck this cock. And I'm like, she's so good. I'm thinking, shut up. Good. But like, have you had to have the talk? Or like, yeah, because you know what?

Like, we have friends that are single that like start talking about how that dating in today's world is so different for like because because they grew up with devices in their hands and they've normalized hardcourt like, you know, we grew up with like a blowjob from a girl was like, amazing.

And then now I remember, I remember like they think that that's normal.

I never choked anybody. I'm sorry. I've never choked anybody. But that's like a big thing. Oh, right. Like you only see in porn and you and then I just I miss I miss all of that. I fingers in the mouth.

That's fucking crazy shit. Yeah. I missed all of it. I didn't get any of it.

And like I remember having sex. I remember like there was no I mean all my good fucking was done when pornography was not even the thing. Yeah.

Porn. Here's the thing. Young if you're on. Or 30, you don't even realize that for us, it was an ordeal to see what you you had to seek it out. Yeah, you had to be secretive, you had to plan. You had to wait. You had to maybe, like, wait to the end of the week or like it. It was a whole thing.

Like it wasn't so much as like, oh, watch this for 20 seconds. It doesn't it didn't exist.

I remember I'm always searching for I've never been able to articulate this on stage because I think it creeps people out.

Yeah. Like, I'm always looking for the thing in porn that shocks me the same way. So there's this one guy chasing a dragon. I'm chasing the dragon. Yeah, I when I first moved to New York. I like I was I'm not my own place, had a roommate, but like my roommate worked all day and I have my own home time to myself. And I was like, I'm going to go buy a porn like on West 4th over by the the AC subway stop.

There's a pawn shop. So I went in and bought a pawn and I was so panicked that I was like I was just like, OK. And I just got three pawns, couldn't afford them.

Raced back to my fucking home, my my my apartment put one in. And I understand this is going to be very aggressive, but these two girls were on a couch. It was girl girl.

And the one girl put her foot in the other girls pussy. That's nice. And my heart skipped a beat like I knocked. It was like a first kiss, feeling like we were like, what the fuck is that?

I'm going to start now starting out like everyone see the beginning about again. And I've always been chasing that inborn that like being that you didn't know was possible. Have you asked me and can I put my foot in your ass? I put my foot. You're probably like, not so much about you. Like, I don't want that. Are Gardner the gold. I bought a pawn.

I remember in in D.C. where I was. I also had like the heart racing. I was like trying to be like, how do you be cool about it?

And I remember that I bought tapes and I put them on the counter and the lady was like, because it wasn't it was a video store that also had a little.

Yeah. So it wasn't a porn store, you know.

I mean, like she it they also had regular and she did a very like disgusted, like she was like, oh and then as she was giving them to me, she was like, do you want to keep the box that the tape?

Because the box is like huge and it has all the stills from the porn. Yeah. I framed them, put them on my wall and I was like, she's like, do you want the box? So I'm trying to get out of the store. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah. And she was like, most people don't. That's what she said. You know, I was like I uh. I do.

I can take a picture. Your favorite thing. That's it. Oh it was.

I remember I distinctly remember seeing that curtained off area in video stores and being with my parents and seeing the guys that went in there filled with shame, coming out, filled with shit. And it was almost like I remember going, I don't ever want to be that kind of guy in life.

But you are every guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then this turned it into so acceptable.

I mean, I'm accessible and acceptable. Oh.

I mean, no one will ever understand, you know, what a thrill it was by the way. So I, I opened for Attell in like oh five Brade and.

These people from a porn company called Kick Ass Pictures showed up, they go, they go, pull them up, they go. We're big fans, by the way.

If they have foot in the Pacific, I guess they should that they do branding. Why they do so kick ass. OK, so they they came to the. To the to the show, and they gave him a box of DVDs, like a huge box, OK, and then he goes, no one's going to know this feeling. This is I remember this feeling so vividly when someone callously was like, hey, you want these? And your.

And it was almost like like you're stranded on an island and someone had the last piece of chocolate.

You're like, oh, they're all going to take it all. Yes. Well, Dave goes, you want these? And I was like, oh yeah. And I reached for the box is like not all of them. And I was like, oh so he he gave me the ones he didn't want.

And I was still like, did he know what he's like.

They're like sex appeal. So we had that, we had David forever.

But then this is the best part.

I go back to do the club on my own. And one of the people from the from the from that company shows up.

And I was like, oh, and they don't have a box. I was like, but this is even better. They go, Oh yeah, we're big fans. We came back to see you and I was like, oh yes. You know, thanks for the I got his second his dribble down DVDs. And they were like, you know what we can give you though. Like I want to go a password to to the site so you can just watch anything.

And I was like, this is the best day of my life.

I really I really thought it was an incredible, incredible gift.

I was I it's it I I'm like, I miss the road because I'm looking forward to jerking off like that's how exciting like this.

One of the things I'm excited to do when I go back on the road is like I just spent some time by myself.

I know exactly how I like it. I overhand underhand. Go ahead. I when I did, when I did it hurt Burt and we had Mistress Isabella. We did. I was with the dominatrix. I was that I was I it was interesting because we did like. Yeah. Pull her up. She's, I don't think that's her but. She is that stuff in the clear up, though, she was. Yeah, you can find her.

Isabella Sinclair, Gwen Media, that's her. That's her Aqua Media. She's actually I'm friends with her. She. We did the thing, by the way, were both what was your what was your bit with her? Oh, I did everything. I did everything they had in the thing. They poured wax on my nipples. They put a five pound weight on my balls. They clamped my cock. They electrocuted. My God, that's her.

Yeah. Yeah. She did all those things. You did all this. This is for her. Yeah. And she had and she was she's still hot but we were both younger. This is like 20 years ago. Yeah. So I mean she was fucking hot shit. The Asian chick. She was hot shit. I'm totally naked. At one point I look at the people it affects and I go, I think we're shooting a porn. And they're like, yeah, wait, how do we get back to shooting a porn?

And so no one has sex, but I'm definitely naked. They're torturing my cock. And then towards the end of the thing, are you hard on this? No, I never got I never got hard once with a safe word. Word was marshmallow, right? Yeah. So she said if anything makes you really uncomfortable, say marshmallow. And so we at the end of the day, she puts me in this thing. I can't remember how this worked.

I was dangling somehow and they wrapped me in latex, but like really tight, like wrapped me like the wrapping up a suitcase. Oh yeah. At the at the airport. And then they put in a tube and they squirted like liquid in there and like like a like a lube.

And they started working it and as they worked it, it got to my cock and my cock was like, oh wow, this is fucking awesome. And I for a second I was like, I was like, like I couldn't help it. I was like, OK. And then I'm like, OK, no one. I have a girlfriend, which is Lee-Anne. Number two, I'm being filmed. Number three, if I have an orgasm, everyone sees it.

No, my faith is going to be really awkward and I just go marshmallow. And they're like, does this hurt? And I was like, marshmallow, marshmallow. Because you knew you were gay. I knew I was going to come.

I was like, oh, OK. And it was for whatever reason, I'm just like, just I think that was it. I can't remember totally. But I remember that's when I tapped out on at the end she goes, I'm talking to her for real. She's a brilliant woman, like she's a really smart chick. And she goes, So why do people fucking do this? And she goes, I don't know. She knows some people. It's you know, it regresses to like things from your childhood or it is just it's a lot of people.

Successful businessmen. Yeah.

That's the one that you always hear about and that the like. I don't know if this is like the one on one explanation of it, but it always seemed like it made sense. They said that, like a lot of really powerful people do, this is because they are they the excitement is in relinquishing control because they're in control of everything and like, you know, whatever, running a company and blah, blah, blah. And they're handing over control.

And that that is a release.

She she said, hey, I want to grab a few tapes right now. This is a I mean, I'm trying to be respectful.

She's not a pornographer yet, but there like there is it's it's it's it's like calling, it's like it's like a pie, a pie versus a cake.

It's like. So she does want to grab some space and there's stacks, Tom, stacks of tapes of these are tapes, so I didn't want to look it's the same thing as to tell her I'm all them. Yeah, I grab a couple race home, right.

Put it in my VCR. And it was the same feeling as the foot in the pussy where I just all of a sudden just my heart skips a beat and I'm like, what the fuck is this?

I had never seen anything dominatrix. Oh. And there was it exciting to you? Oh my God. It was like it was like, holy shit. This is some of the stuff was like I just had never seen it. And I think that's what I'm looking for in porn is stuff I've never seen. That's my scrolling of like just come on. Like I'm so bored.

It's why I get into new cars. I'm like, is this the one we should we should. Man, this feels good.

We should direct each direct to porn. You realize that you're putting this out there. We're going to get calls this week about, OK, we're ready for you to direct porn e direct to porn.

OK, we'll do a documentary on our directorial and and ours and we'll make them tasteful. Yeah.

Do we have to sample the goods first and how do you want to buy pants when you go, Hey guys, I'm old school director. Why don't you go ahead and listen.

I just want you to do it the way I'm doing it. I want you to watch me, OK? And then just last a little longer.

Actually, that's a really funny porn to watch the director who keeps getting in the scene porn.

And then we'll each get porn up channels and people will vote.

And whoever's porn is the most like, we're definitely getting the Britney out right now.

Should we run this by our agents, maybe our wives? Yeah, I know. Something tells me I can picture both of their reactions.

Oh, you're really OK. Oh, my God. I would love to direct a porn. Yeah, yeah. I think it would be fun. I think it'd be fun to write a porn.

I write so many fucking good ideas. I bet you do. I bet you do. Let's hear one.

It's a 22 year old boy, OK, in a Russian class in the Russian class. Yeah I it's the machine story but I'm getting fucked left and right. I like it. Yeah right. I get Adam Devine to play me. Oh wait.

He doesn't do porn though. He will just say hey man will do, I'll use his head. Right. And then when it comes to the body I'll just get a porn star. I'm a body doubles body doubles a lot about OK.

Stunt cocks gun cocks. Gun cocks How good. How great. Do you think I have to find one. Feel it's like you see him like get on top of a girl and you see a fucking a hog just enter and everyone's like you have a big dick and he's like, oh no.

I bet he probably wouldn't do it or not. I think he was he kind of has a couple of legit things going on. I bet it's nice that they just mentioned. Yeah. You know what?

Thanks for thinking. Oh, thanks for thinking of me, man. I, I got one. OK, there's this guy and he's in the desert and he's super thirsty.

And then these chicks come by and they person about the end. Oh we got to see.

I heard points that smell like shit, actually, so I have a friend that used to shoot and edit porn for a I'll tell you who he did it for for a while. For a while. And I was like I asked him, I go, what's like the the craziest part of, you know, doing what you do?

Because he's shooting like four or five days a week.

He goes, definitely the smells. And I go, like, what do you mean, what kind of smells? I'm thinking like like a stinky girl or whatever. He goes, dude, you realize that one of the go to shots and porn is basically under you under the guy to get that ball slapping shot. So I'm like under his asshole.

And and then his, his ball just to get that he goes, I'm just like hovering right behind the guy's asshole.

And he goes, it's so it can be like, like nauseating to shoot.

I'm so excited about shooting porn. I have so many big ideas.

It's funny that we're here right now because we we we left over. Have you had this conversation with your daughter?

Now we're done correcting pause like. So wait, has it come on.

You know. Yeah, yeah. I was like, hey, get ready. Guys are going to choke me and spit in your mouth.

Just get out. I just want you to be prepared as your dad.

I love you to say you like what you know.

I like some guys don't I'm never going to try to hurt you.

There's just one move where they step on your head.

I saw a step on the head compilation. That's how popular.

What if we get Rocko's Afridi's to fucking fly out and then our wives just didn't know and they didn't know what they were getting in store for?

Well, and then he comes over the house, he just fucks both of them, and you just buy the winter tracksuit jacket and tell you something, they would not be the same afterwards.

You would have a new personality and it wouldn't necessarily be good. Make it past that. You want me both, Billy. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Would you use porn actresses like I guess you'd have to before what would you go for high end porn actresses that your fans love or would you go for what I'm directing. Yeah. Or would just go unknown's.

I'll go pros. Yeah. I think it's just a better product. I would love to direct Christy Mack. Yeah. You've mentioned her three times. She likes my posts. OK, you're so funny. I wonder how many porn stars think I'm going to slide in their DMS because like I because I don't know if I connect with your big slide game. No, I've never I've never seen anyone. I didn't dignitaries DM's the other day. I do porn know.

Just ask her about Ellen. Oh I was like, I was like please don't tell me she's as bad as everyone says. And she didn't reply because I really shared it right here.

She was smart but it's a good call. Whoa.

Well played the.

No I so I empathize with porn because I feel like, I feel like comedy and porn have always been tethered a tad bit. I agree. And so to borrow from you.

A hundred percent. A hundred percent.

Yes. And so whenever a porn star like messages me or says she's a fan. Yeah. I always just follow them because I, I don't know. And then I'm certain the way their business runs, they see me follow them and they're like, oh I thought and I thought he was a good guy.

And you're like, I've never, I've never I've dreamed a lot of porn stars when I was making your birthday video.

Oh yeah. I had a lot of girls. I have a special thing coming for you for your birthday. Really? Yep. It's a little different than the one you made for me. I bet it is. I bet it is. It might make you sick.

And um so yeah.

I wonder because I like Christy Mack, I've talked about it and I'm like it's weird because I, I've been a fan of her boyfriend over videos and stuff. Yeah. And she follows me but I would never D.M. her. She's so beautiful.

She's so beautiful.

But I've never I would never I have a weird thing about like one of the when when all the comic guys there were I don't even know how to say this, but when a lot of guys were getting lit up for sexual misconduct.

And one of the things that I heard women say was which was is interesting, I've always felt this way, but I guess not everyone has. And by the way, if this is a meta, you're going to lose almost all male comics, not me, because I've been married. But it's you shouldn't. Fuck your fans. And so, like, that's not what they're saying, it's the number one you shouldn't be. I think I know. I know a female comic said you shouldn't.

Be put under threat by just one, just because you like someone's comedy doesn't mean they have the right to decide on your DMS and try to fuck you. Oh, right. And I think a lot of not a lot of male comics got into comedy to fuck women. That's it. I think you're totally right. And I would say a hundred percent and I feel like we really miss out.

I missed out so bad, but I didn't get to write any of our popularity and getting any blowies or anything. Nothing.

I fucking I got the one chick who doesn't even find me that funny.

Yeah. You're better than that and you're like, that's not how this is supposed to go. Yeah, you're supposed to be like, oh my God, you're amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

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So so I was on I don't know the right way to say this, but I'm getting a vasectomy so I can dump my clip on the road. Not to worry about a kid showing up.

You know, by the way, that was my mother's reaction to me telling her she was like, you know what I was like, I'm getting it affect me.

She goes, you can go on your tours and have sex with whoever you want and not worry about it. Baby, I'm like, who thinks like this?

Like, I go, That's your thought about this. She was like, why else?

I was like, So I don't have a child in my home, another child in my home life. And she was like, hey, you go on your sex tours and you mix sex with everybody.

I love you. I was like, What are you talking about?

I, I, I would want to get chicks pregnant. You want to get them pregnant or 100 percent. Why fucking. I would love to have a little Berts around the world like Johnny Appleseed. Just spread moseyed actually I believe Tulsa. I believe up.

He's in a he's in a fucking patenaude out pick up drugs like Paul. Come get in the car.

I don't know. Would you. You wouldn't be a big part of his life though.

No, I'd fucking see him once a year when I'm in to Tulsa. Yeah, I would love that. I would give him a cool toy. Yeah. You when you get a vasectomy tomorrow, what are you getting it when you get your other thing. Yeah. They're doing both. Yeah.

Dick implant and vasectomy same time.

Right. Here's my point I was trying to make is that I feel creepy. Yeah. Like when, when someone says something positive about me. Yeah. I feel like it's a weird leverage to then if anyone that will go Hey, you liked my comedy like a right like show, I, I would never reply to anyone like that because I just, it just, I don't know, it's the same reason I had a hard time kissing chicks. I always wished I could be that guy.

I'm just not that guy but the D.M. guy. You know, if I can't even I have a hard time flirting with LeAnn. I'm so vulnerable when I flirt that any negativity, I just I fucking shut down meltdown. Right.

That what I'll do is I'll send texts, eggplant, donut to her, like if I'm in bed, don't have sex. And if if I hear her laugh, I know what's going to happen. Like eggplant on it. Questionmark is will go.

Oh, you're a fucking idiot. And I'm like, all right, I'm getting laid. Yeah.

I can't just go up and rub her back gently and then be like, but if she's like a if she says you see eggplant donagh and she's like, oh fuck no.

She just doesn't reply, just doesn't reply or she'll be on the phone and come in and just like I have a really busy day, I've already started my day. I can't just go backwards.

And you're like, you know, that's my favorite is when she's like, oh, I don't I feel sick. Shut up. What if I do what if I did a porn recreating the first time Leeann and I had sex but would like awesome body doubles? That's a good idea. What? Oh, why don't you do your idea where it's you guys and then do the jump cut to the the porn body and get your guy Rammy in here, huh.

And do and get when LeAnn comes in to do it. Two bears man cave do face. Yeah. Stuff. Yeah.

And then just have to have the director and go pretend like you're coming right now and she's like oh yeah.

She's like oh Tom this is weird. Give me a face. Like you're on a bike and the seat fell off and you don't know what you're going to be like. Oh ok. OK, keep going. Keep going.

Oh that's great. Well how am I doing this.

Hey what's, what's it look like if you eat spaghetti but you have a blindfold on and you don't know if it's in your mouth or not.

OK, OK, that's a good one. OK, now I want you to it tastes really good. It is really good. Like better, better, better. Like OK.

Like oh it would be great if we could get these. Yeah. Replacement stuff and just do a porn with me in the end. But it's too beautiful.

We can do this. We can do this.

That would be fucking. Do you want your face on your sex on a white guy or a black guy. White guy. OK, yeah. I want to tell you, you don't just say it like that. I felt like I just, I just, I don't want to fucking.

I want people to believe it. Oh, I see. I want people to believe it. And like, I'm going to get a guy that's just in like a little better shape than me. Yeah. Like Ron Jeremy.

He's in prison is he really is in jail for what?

Rape. He got a what happened in. He got charged with multiple rapes. Does anyone ever plead guilty to rape? Guess we'll find out what happened, how I swear to God, it looks great. I don't know what you were talking about, but, uh, yeah. Go to the instead of the image result, just go to the all result, you know.

Oh. Yeah, scroll down a little bit here. Oh, this bums me out. Charged with sexually assaulting four women over a period of over a number of years, I think, right, he make that text bigger. It just wasn't one wild weekend.

Um. Sixty seven charged with three counts, each of forcible rape and forcible penetration by a foreign object, one count each of forcible oral copulation, sexual battery, um, bail set at six point six million. Um, C. I got to be honest with you, I feel like, oh, you scroll down, I'm trying to see if these if they say when these. He also charged with sexually assaulting two women. Thirty three on separate occasions in West Hollywood and twenty seventeen forcible rape in July 2004.

Uh, my guess looks like there's an incident of 16, 17 and 19. Um.

I don't know if he's going back to court August 31st, I think he remains in jail for the. Yeah, pretty, uh, pretty wild Fokin. Well, like you said, comedy and porn.

Yeah, there is a there's a similar thread in between the two goddammit.

Same types of charges being applied to both.

So we're going to direct point. I'm going to go through the list of porn stars that you want to direct, that I want I want to I'm going to what I really, really want to do is want to do face replacement for LeAnn. I want it to be a surprise.

Yeah. For her birthday. Something tells me she won't be thrilled at the surprise. And I'm going to have them do fucking bizarre shit really hits like what the Fuck?

And, you know, we could do that, too, if you want. Do you realize how pedestrian my request would be in a porn video?

Like so so you're going to go down on her knees and you're going to spit in her room like that, just like that, to sit down on her and like I mean, come on, you should do if you're going to do the face replacement thing, have a guy who is absolutely rag doll.

So it's it's like, is this what you want? And you're like, yeah, she's. Do you remember when I tried to get I tried.

I told you push, you should do it. But I tried to get LeAnn to just do a porn where we just it was like it was a sex tape of her home sex tape. She was like, but I'm not explaining it. Well, you just like smash car to like her face. And then when you when you move that down to a car, you'd do a different cut and would be someone else having sex.

All I need was her face and then shots of everyone else, everyone else having sex. She's like, no, she was like, no, it's not really. Let's ask her if I could do this. Ask her, let's ask her because it would be better with her compliance.

Yep. What do you what are they? By the way, I'm on your side and I'm going to say you and Christine are doing it to just help, OK? She was up at 8:00 in the morning fucking walking out to us. Yeah. Drops God. Fucking drops God. She's a Savi's. What's her workout? Is it like cardio fucking or body weight stuff and it looks aggressive, you know, out of the you know, she's not going to answer, you know, so funny.

This is what's wrong with me. I'm in a lot of pain today because I. I see a workout and then I go, I'm going for balls to the wall. I saw this workout last night.

This will if we're ready to transition out of power, this is a good transition.

OK, but I could always talk about porn. I can always talk about porn. Yeah. Great.

In that crazy. It's like such a weird I'll tell you this, this is might be troubling.

We should host the Eben's. We could do that. Yeah.

I feel like when porn's on it kind of settles me like it relaxes me.

You know, I mean, yeah, like there's things that make you anxious and that things that make you go like it's interesting what shows up in your in your search and like like the videos that you would like. Hmm. Where you're like. Like, you know, same thing with Google, like I look at my Google News and it's the weirdest shit, it's like Bobby Schmitter is getting out of prison and you're like, apparently I'm into that like like Google News because I know you're going to want to know that Charlamagne, the God and fucking and fucking logic had beef.

And I'm like, I actually do. Yeah. And and so. But porn does the same way when you go to PornHub, it shows you all the stuff that you'll probably be into, but then it always adds, Oh, yeah. Amateur, anything amateur I like I like amateur, I like amateur, I don't like it too polished. I agree. Yeah, let's see. Oh, my. No, I guess this is not my last someone grabbed my phone, who would I grab your phone?

I don't know. Where is your pointless? Yeah, playing with my anything, playing with tits and nipples, like a hundred.

I did not know this. Oh, I'm a big leons. Got great boobs. I love. I love. I love. I love the anybody.

Now she's skinny too. It is fucking. It's like getting a sports car.

So it's like imagine if imagine if you know what it's like since Enzler lost weight. It's like pulling your golf cart into the ninth hole to get drinks and the cart guy goes, hey man, you take the governor off and you're like what. Yeah. This, these things fly. Yeah. You're like fuck yeah. And you get a cocktail and they take the governor off and you're flying down fucking hills. I was a whitest analogy I could come by.

Yeah, that was pretty, pretty white. Yeah. Everything OK? Yeah. Tom, look, everything, everything is nipples. Let me see. Everything's nipples.

Yeah, I like I like that, and I like close up because I only thing I could find in porn that I really like, not a nipple that's not, you know, so funny.

Yeah, that's a big pick. He's doing that from the next room and his hands are behind his back.

That's when you never get my hands behind when you got a big dick. And that's definitely not an EP. Yeah, I saw that one.

I go, that's what I saw. If you look at the video, you go, oh, that's not where that's going to break her. Almost gotten a hold of my phone. I want to report this one. I want to report this one guy's wearing a condom.

Those are those are so upsetting. I'm going to record it. I'm going to that is so upsetting along with nothing makes me more upset watching porn than like an average sized dick. I'm like, fucking just excommunicate this guy.

How can I report these and go, this is. He's where I want to report him and go share. Let's see where we want to put this on your Twitter. Yeah, how about your Facebook? I'm going to pass by, see if I can.

Wait, going see if I can do. What are you on PornHub PornHub is up to? So it keeps track of what you've liked and searched for playing with titties, erect nipple, I like to suck nipples. Jesus. Homemade face sitting. She comes thrice, Tom. I bet I can make some legit money, I know it's probably short money, but just doing porn's you definitely could. I think it's a good idea. I think people would definitely tune in for the first one at 10:00, maybe, like, no, we get it there quick.

They're meant for Vyn. So, OK, let's pivot from point.

So here's well here's what's wrong with me. OK, I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to send this video. I don't know if we can watch this video. So last night I'm on the treadmill drinking a glass of wine and I'm like and I just am not feeling it. Like I really am not feeling it. I did sixty miles a day before.

Fuck. Yeah. With a bottle of wine, two bottles.

One, we're going to be accurate. So for whatever reason, wait, wait, what, you ran 16 miles with two bottles of wine, two bottles of wine?

Yeah, it was fucking awesome. What part was awesome? I watched Boogie Nights and and Dazed and Confused. Do you run walk when you do this or run. Walk like a walk. And then every now and then I'll kick it up to five and then get my heart rate up. And what I try to keep my heart rate in the blue zone like just fat burn. OK, not cardiovascular, just fat burn. And because I feel like if the longer I'm staying in this flaperon in the better.

And so I get and I'll jog and then get in there and then I'll walk and then and then I called, I talked to Ari on the phone. So like I'll take a few phone calls and just drinking on it, it's like here's a crazy thing, is that it honestly is the same as you ever like had a glass of wine and you get on a fucking juicy phone call and you just start walking and pacing in your backyard. Yeah, it's same thing.

I did a morning radio on the treadmill the other day. I just did Colins on the treadmill, just walked fucking like seven miles and just but I walked really folks like you could hear the treadmill. Yeah. So I'm saying I'm taxing this to you in Geneve. God you need is almost as Jewish as Nadaf, right? Any publisher for my book? Oh, really? Yeah. You need what a cool name, Nadav Ben, Israel, Israelis got some pretty fucking bad ass names, Ezekiel name.

What does give me some, like really stereotypical, like hardcore awesome Israeli names. Nadaf, um, there's Yaroun. There's Geetha.

I can't hear you. Yeah. What are they, your own giddy guidi. All giddy Maton, Maton, USCIRF, Asaph.

I'm just naming off my cousins now. OK, uh, yoof. Those are pretty cool, actually, names, actually, I do like them we can use like if you go to Israel, are you can you just spit in Hebrew?

Yeah, totally fine.

Yeah. Like like I sound fluent to you guys and people that, you know, learned it over here. But in Israel, like, I have kind of an accent, but it was my first language. I'm fluent in it. Wow. Wow. That's really cool because I heard you on the phone. Yeah. Yeah.

And that while did you. Oh I heard him on the phone when he's was like, hey buddy, what the hell. You know. Yeah.

You go buddy. Buddy, what's going on buddy. Your buddy Jr..

We come back with new estimate. Yeah.

OK, so I'm OK. So I'm obsessed with these kids in Hawaii, right. Yeah. It is so creepy. Last night I was like I was like, it's so creepy because I'm sitting in my man cave.

I'm on my phone, I've got my phone, a glass of wine, I'm on the treadmill. I'm watching this kid, Nathan. Florence is his name, right? His brother John. John Florence is like a really good surfer. Yeah, he's a really good surfer, too. But I got him. This kid, Jamie O'Brien. Jamie O'Brien is his name. Like five people I know.

They're all these they're all these kids that live in a Wahoo, OK, and are professional surfers.

They're first of all, they're all top of their field surfers like. I mean.

And how old are we talking? I don't know. I think like twenty five, maybe twenty six. OK, and so they're all top of the fucking field surfers and then. They all have blogs like they all blog like it's their thing and it's fucking fascinating because I'm watching this and I know more about this kid, Nathan Florance, than I ever should know. But then all of a sudden he puts on this video and so like. So just to just scroll forward it off to what you see them in a park.

OK, and so no. OK, so this is I'm watching him surf. And by the way, this kid is just a goofy fucking kid. The farmers walks. Nobut so he takes all these weights out to the ocean and he says, all right guys, we're going to work out. So these are all his buddies are all like pro surfers. Right. And so I'm sitting on a treadmill with a glass of wine walking at a three point five.

And I see this and I go, oh, this inspires me. I'm going to fucking blow out my body tonight. Tonight, because Guzzo go to the when you see riding on the left hand side, this is the workout these motherfuckers did. And then all of a sudden I'm like, OK, ready. So it's they run and swim so they run and swim, run down the beach, swim around a Buie, then they do a hundred walking lunges with 50 pounds on their shoulders.

100, right. Yeah. OK, and if you throw the weights down you got to do five burps. This is like and then I'm like of course they're working out this hard. They're they're all jacked, they're all jacked and they're all toned surfers of jaws. I watch this kid wipe out one time and I was like he was held underwater for a really long time. And I was like, oh, of course you have to run what this is all 80 squats with 50 pounds, 80, 80.

That's what I'm saying. And by the way, this kid is just has the silliest smile. Look at him. Just he looks a little bit like the 60 push press push presses. OK. OK, this is like this is considered one, then runs the whole time is run down to the beach somewhere in the booth and come back 40 thrusters, run, swim. 20 devel presses, this is a move right here. Look at this, can you do?

I tried doing those last night and I am in pain, by the way, I was doing my 20s. Wait, what does he have in her 50s? No. Yeah, come on, we're all doing this with 50s. He said anything, anything from 30 pounds to 50 pounds or he's doing 50s. So now scoot forward and watch them do this work out, OK? Mm hmm. OK, scoot forward is good for its good forward.

Looking forward. OK, you ready? So look at this. These guys are all fucking jacked. They're all like except he does look like Daniel Tosh to me a little bit like legit.

Oh, so that starts with his run down to the beach, which, by the way, the run in the sand is horrible and I just ran away and now he's doing OK. A hundred lunges. Those are 50 pounds that he's got. He's killing everybody. He's killing everyone. He does this. He does all those things we said in under an hour. And I'm sitting there watching this, going to fuck my body, like fuck my body, I can do this, I'm going to do this, I'm going to create stuff like this when I go on tour, I'm going to create stuff like this every day where I go, I'm going to I'm going to punish my body until it starts responding positively.

Well, I mean, I would hear can can we press pause on your on your brain for a second. Yeah. Maybe like just kind of ease in to lay in your bed.

Last night I did. Last night I get 20s and I just I go I'm going to do a skinny down version of what he's got here, ok. OK, so I'm like, I can't swim. I did get in the pool late night. Yeah. But I'm like I don't know the other parties. I'm like I didn't do this drinking wine. So that's the challenge I got. I got my foot vine right. And I do a whole I try to do all of the things he has with just ten times.

Just ten times. Dude, I am. I woke up, my arms were frozen like my fucking. I suddenly told that I couldn't get up off the toilet just doing it ten times.

Yeah.

And I'm like, and that's what's wrong with me is I look at something like that to work out like that and I go.

I got fucking blown out of the water. Why would I why would I not? I'm going to fucking destroy my body and then I do it and then I'm like, OK, that was a big mistake. Yeah, no, I can't move. Right. And then and then I'm like, I won't be working out for another week and a half because I no longer can move.

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Currently let's move down to Wahoo, befriend all these kids and let them just for a month. This is my right. I'm hoping quarantine laughs and then I'm gonna go down there for a month and just get into surfing really good. Get in great shape. They don't drink. They don't drink.

Tom, how could you do that? How could you hang with them? I'm going to drink. I'm going to drink. But they don't drink. But, you know, they don't drink food. They drink like juice. That's all they do like juice. That's what they do, bro. Come on. Yeah. It's like, yeah.

This for the boys, man. The boys, they're they're lingoa. I started I'm supposed to go to Hawaii. When. A couple of months. For real. Yeah.

I don't know if it's going to happen with a you know Goran Divino by the way, if it quarantine's lifted and you can go to Hawaii, I'll come with you. Are you going with your family. Are you going to do a gig. Well, yes, I'm doing a gig.

Well, I'm supposed to do a gig, but, um, I don't know if it's not like, well, I would go with we would do the whole family thing, but, um, I don't know if, like, it's not ideal situation.

It might be more of a quick trip, you know. Oh, I want to go down.

I was looking at it. I was like I was like, I want to go down. I wish that.

I mean, I wish there were guys my age doing this. Like, I wouldn't I wouldn't want to hang out with a bunch of twenty year olds because I'm the shit that interests me. What's crazy is like. I've never I've never felt this way about anything, but like they go one day, they go surfing out it like, I don't know, pipeline, I guess, or something. Right. And it's it's really rough and they don't even enjoy it.

But they're having a blast. They're just getting held underwater and they're giggling. And then they come in the sun setting and they're like, oh, it's pumping at Waimea. You want to go? And I'm like, I'm so old that I go, hang on. Let's turn on the TV. Let's sit down. Let's get a blanket. Let's get a glass of wine. Let's smokeable. They're just they just surf all day long, all the from beginning the way, way wake up and then work out and surf.

I could I feel like a version of that is you like you should be in Hawaii doing this stuff.

I want dude I'm telling you right now I want to go down to Hawaii, befriend these kids and just lose weight, live like you always go back to getting in shape.

Yeah. Lose weight like live like them. Just drinks like juice and science. You pull out my beta and do some spins and fucking get tubed.

And I didn't say that, but like I get it gets away from me. Sometimes my impressions will get away from me. Yeah it's OK. But I've been watching so many surfing videos, like if you look at my Google News it tells me about surfing. Tom, I can't surf.

Have you tried. I have. I did surf lessons when in when we did so October last year and I loved it. I got up. You did do it. Yeah. Last year.

You did surf last year as a surfer since it was fucking awesome. You can find it on my Instagram. Why don't you stick with it. Go to last year sub Rocktober Nada's. You can see me surfing. It just is too much to get out to the ocean from the valley. Yeah. It's like a pain in the fucking ass to get out to the ocean. I would love to be I would love to be able to surf. I've done a lot of stuff like keep going.

It's amazing when you look at your pictures, your loved ones, you keep going, keep going, scroll, scroll, scrub that for my fuckin Jesus Christ. All right.

All right. Now, your, uh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep going. It's amazing. I can tell you what months certain things were lucky. Eyelash, by the way. You want to know some crazy idea. Lucky I last. It's been growing. Yeah. And it came out and landed on my cheek the day we killed Priscilla.

You have to say we killed. We put her down, hurt her. OK, it's going to be right around here. Go, uh, go up. Go. You had a beach. No, go down. Slow, slow down. Slow down. No, no other way either. Either way. Out of the way. Other way. Other way. Keep going. Keep going. Hang on. Hang on. It's right around here. It's go down.

Go down. Go down, down, down, down. Right there. Are you on a surfboard right now that's keep going down.

Yeah. I would love to have you with me in the ocean. On the Oceania, there we go. This is me surfing. Yeah, yeah, this is because you're on tour here, how white my beard is. Oh, yes. What did you do this? Jacksonville, we took surpluses for the day we had a fucking blast machine. Seems like I could do this more often. By the way, there's Dave. Who got up the best, me, I think.

Yeah, yeah, I think I got I not even that great, but I got up a couple of times. I had a fucking blast doing it. I could do that more often, but it's just like it's so hard to it's like such a pain in the ass, you got to get aboard and you got to go to the side now. And it's like you got to find a parking spot. You got to hope that the Grahams are cool with you and the fuckin houses don't bum rush you and no one steals your art supplies.

You got to find an older guy to try to be a soul surfer. Yeah. Hope that you don't get some guy to snake your leash when you're trying to catch the last wave to win the tournament. But even if he does, it's OK. You're Rick Barnes. What you didn't see in the North Shore?

I saw North Shore a lot. Yeah, I ducked out that time. Just can't swim out to the channel.

OK, um, so we, uh, we mentioned we're getting into tennis and uh, yeah. Then some people reached out. So we might be setting up some type of tennis tournament with some legit tennis players. Like really.

Fuck. Yeah, I guess it'll be double. So it'll be each of us and we'll each have a pro on our on our side. Oh my God. I think they're just going to try to kill whole other top professional tennis players.

Uh, we do a mixed doubles because I think we have a better shot at doing mixed doubles by the way the women play tennis. Ah, I would argue as good as the men. Yeah, I know. That's a horrible, horrifically sure. Volatile subject to bring up. But I mean I, I'm not saying that if we played against women we'd have a shot. I'm just saying.

Yeah. No, listen to me. Listen to me. We don't have a shot.

No, no, no, no, no. Top female tennis players. Let's just, let's just do mixed doubles. Yeah, let's see here. Simona Halep, I've never even heard her, Canada, Wozniacki, Gabby, I don't even know these people, let's see some pictures.

I bet they're all smoke shows. Oh, look at her arms. Yeah, she's. Holy fuck, I like that, that you sort of low key proposal that we might have a look at her or look at her fucking arms.

Yeah. Now she plays a lot. That is not I cannot return whatever the fuck she's doing, right?

Definitely not.

She could fuck you up. So she goes six hours, six hours. You know that I would have I know for record, I did not say we have a shot with with females. No, I'm just saying. Yeah, Maria Sharapova is so fucking hot. I bet we could get her. You think so? Yeah. Yes, she does like celebrity stuff. Oh yeah. Let's go. Like a like there's a celebrity.

See if there's a celebrity. Oh, she's rushing to me, I'd have an in with her, me and her be on the same team, we were old school. I bet she probably isn't like pro communist Russia now. Experience bad memories, probably. Um. Where does she live? Fucking Florida, right? Yeah, West Palm. Yeah, we're just typing Maria Sharapova, another doctor.

Let's. Yeah, of course.

Yeah. Manhattan Beach, does she live out here? She does. OK, we definitely got her part time. All right, Josh Levs is Longbeach Lombok, Florida. So she has to how much money is she worth?

What's her what's her net worth? Oh, my gosh. I bet she's fucking got to have tons of money, right?

I have no idea. I mean, I'm sure she did well, but. Yes. Oh, my God. It's pretty much a lie. How do you even make that much money? Fuck. That's so much money, there's so much money that's more than witness like I always judge things by how much money Whitney has. Whitney has ridiculous money. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I remember I remember telling her saying you can tell what people are like when people are no longer like that crowd over.

Yeah. They cross over and they say stuff like, I tried to buy that two houses next to me and you're like both of them.

And it just so I didn't have neighbors. And you're like, OK, all right. I don't know what that means just right now. I didn't want have to listen to their music you like, or you could just ignore it and just be like, I guess I live next to a deejay like I do.

You do. Oh yeah.

But the new house guy fucking. No, no, no, no. To type in.

He only does it like it's. No it's it's a spillover from Saturday night. So it's Sunday morning and it's just fucking intense. But he travels around the world so I only see he's a real deejay. There's a real fucking deejay so. Oh my God. He's only there like right now he's he's not in the States.

I'm never bothered by music noise from a neighbor that happens in the daytime or even into the evening.

It's just like if it's late. If I can't. Oh, I don't. Yeah. I don't need your shit. I'm by the way, I'm a neighbor's nightmare.

So like, I can't imagine where. How come. Because I just I'm loud as fuck. I don't know about other people. I play music if I want to and I just go, oh I'm so sorry. My daughter shoot bows and arrows in the neighbor's yards. Oh yeah. They had our neighbor our neighbor's front door is up against like we have in our house right now. We have like a fence by the garage and our neighbor's door to his house is on the other side.

And the girls had set up bows and arrows shooting basically into his front door. And I came out and they're like, and I go, guys, guys, these doors right there. And they're like, oh, that's what he's saying.

We're like, what have you been doing in there? Like, some of them have gone over the fence. I'm like, guys, you know, this house is not big enough to shoot bows and arrows. They say your current house, he goes shooting bows and arrows. And it's like from like in like twenty feet, like it's not even far, just right in the middle of his front yard. And I'm like, guys, you could kill somebody.

It's like they're not going that hard. Dad does another one of dad's stories.

That's one of the things like, oh yeah, because you're a dad story. Go.

So I never tell you about the time I almost killed me. And this is a dad story. Yeah. Tom, I'm telling you, I'm not exaggerating this at all.

OK, so we're out at the lake in Alabama. My wife has a lake house in Alabama. We go out to the lake house and the girls want to ride the jet skis. And Lance says you should go with Eila and let her ride you on the jet ski. She'll drive. And I was like, I'm not really comfortable with Eila. Like, she has impulse problems and I don't want to like I don't I'm not really comfortable with Ireland.

She goes letter and kind starts going to stop being such a wimp, get on the jet ski and then she starts talking in a Southern accent. Come on, boy, get on the jet ski.

And I'm like, I like you already in a different character. I'm not certain I want to drive with that character.

And she's like, come, oh, mama, mama, get him on a jet ski. Let me ride you one time. And I'm like, I'm like, guys, I'm honestly going. This is a lot more serious than we're letting it be right now. I'm about to go on a jet ski with her. So again, let's just keep there. And she says, hold on and takes off Tommy. She goes so fucking fast that we're going I'm going to say about thirty five miles per hour in my head, I'm guessing, but so fast you don't want to jet ski just goes up and starts going and then she says.

All right, I'm on dig a hole, and I went, what? And she cuts it. Now, apparently, Leon does this thing where she rides on the jet ski with her and cuts it and digs a hole and kind of spins it out. But we're going too fast to do that. And I get fucking thrown from the jet ski just.

Oh, she is the jet skis going sideways across the water because she's not heavy enough to hold on to it. I hit the water with my head and the jet ski slams in the side of my body and it knocks the wind out of me. It bruises my whole fucking hip like I'm like an island laughing because I'm going, huh?

You know, when you're the wind, you're like, I was going to go, No, baby, daddy's hurt. She's like, no, you're not. Get on the jet ski. I go, baby. And I now I'm pissed. I go, get the fuck off the jet ski. I'm getting on. You're getting on behind me. We're going back in. And so I pull the jet ski. I'm in so much fucking pain. I pull the jet ski back in the little lagoon where we where everyone hangs out.

All the girls are in their life vest bobbing in the water. And LeAnn goes, Why are you guys back so fast?

And Ologist goes, Dad's about to tell you one of his dad's stories.

And I'm like, and all of a sudden I got no no one ever believes this has happened to me. My wife doesn't believe it. She doesn't believe that it happened. She goes, You got thrown from the jet ski.

It happens. It's scary. I know. I got no hold on. I've been thrown from a jet ski. I didn't just get thrown from the jet ski. I go, I fucking flew off. And she goes, that's impossible. I go, bullshit. I go, it's not impossible. I go, my head hit. Then the jet ski hit my body and they go, I don't believe it. So the next day I go, I think you need to see this bruise, Tom.

It was the smallest bruise.

It was so small.

And they go, it's another one of dad's stories and I never got any props. If you bring it up there, like, I'm gonna try to dig a hole. Dad didn't hold on. And I was like and I told her, I said to her, this has been my punishment. I said, I will never get on a jet ski with you ever again for the rest of your life ever. And she'll be like, well, that means that if George goes with Mom, I can't go.

And I go, Yeah, that's right. I mean, you can't go. And I've held that until this past trip. We went we talked to we talked to you and you went on I said, I'll go on with you. This is how you build trust as you don't hurt me. And she was like, come on, Dad. And then at one time she's going fucking thirty five miles per hour and she goes, old time's sake.

I say, we dig a hole. And I went, no fucking you just I punish that kid in my head.

I just.

How long ago was the whole incident. It's got to be, it's got to be a while. You part like four years ago if I you but you let her you got on with her this week. I got on with her when we went to Lake Havasu.

I drove, got on jet ski with her and I said listen but what makes her laugh is me being scared. Yeah.

It's makes me laugh too. Yeah. And I'm like it's not like I'm not joking. And she goes, I know but it because you're serious. That's why it's funny. Yeah.

My mom's like that, like she gets really scared. One of the things that really scares me if you just I go up on her, not pick her up off the ground and she really freaks out like yeah.

Full panic, like we'll dig her nails in like if I can draw blood because she's so freaking out and I'll still do it to her, you know, like I'll pick her up and she's like screaming a little bit on fire yesterday.

What. She comes running into my room.

White is a ghost. Eyes wide is OK. Everything's OK. Just so you know everything's OK. Ignore the fire alarm. Fire alarm.

She was dead. Yeah. I could even see it coming. I had these paper towels by the candle, the paper towels, little fire. I freaked out. I threw them on my bed and it caught my shoes on fire. Listen, we need to tell Mom about this. Do we? I go. We're definitely telling Mom about your fucking mind.

Jesus Christ.

That's why I don't like candles in the house. I'm a pussy man. I don't want candles on the house. I have a fear. I have a fire fear too. We all do. We add like candles on. Uh, you could just keep, by the way, on the ocean.

Yeah. It's way the most I've ever physically hurt myself with. I was definitely going to die.

I was jet skiing in the Canary Islands and I went off to go jet skiing in the Canary Islands, went off of a wave. I was like, oh, I only jet ski down like lakes and stuff.

Before I went away, I was like, I'm fucking I feel like I'm forty feet in the air.

Like, Oh, and then I just hit so goddamn hard and I was like, this shouldn't be legal in there. Like the Canary Islands.

I did the I watched because of those fucking surfers I follow. They have those guys on jet skis. One time I was in.

Do you report on a jet ski that you're directing, by the way? I checked off on the jet ski before.

Long story. Long story.

How long ago? Uh, thirty. OK, thirty years ago. Thirty four years ago. Yeah. Just when you're a kid you can just take it out.

I was just in the middle of the ocean and, uh, something just fucking passed me by and I was trying to get as I was trying to summon a mermaid.

Would that be about mermaid set up when you when you hit the lottery jackpot?

Oh, she pops up, she goes, Oh, God, and then just me to a mermaid.

So my head empty. How does that. I don't know. You don't know? No, I get it from USCIRF grippy. He's great man. He sends me hands all the time. I fucking love this dude. If you find him on what you want to do.

The hat update. Yeah. Everybody asks about the hats. Oh yeah.

So this time we're going to do something different. So they, they take a while because they're, it's a partnership with New Era and Minor League Baseball and us. Oh my God.

Yeah. Do you know I, I put out feelers to play on a minor league baseball team and I got some replies. What. You're going to play I'm going to play a game on a minor league baseball team. I love it. I love it. I would love to. Once again, I feel like it's like I follow some kids who play minor league baseball.

And so I was like I was just started watching them. And it was just like they were having so much fun.

You got to do a porn. You got to do a porn. Yeah, right. Yeah, I could do a bunch of different ones. We got a surf report, we got a minor league baseball porn.

So what if I could do a mash up with like the the Burrum Durham Bulls and it's their whole team, a bunch of 21 year olds and the like. And then we have anay from you remember Susan Sarandon as character. Now she comes in, they all just fucking run a train on her. I don't know. You're talking to me. You never saw the Bull Durham. Oh, Bull Durham. Anyway, Susan Reynolds character, she fucked young guys and taught them how to become.

She was like 40 in that 42 in that movie. OK, so she fucked twenty year old dudes and taught them how to figure out how to go to the pros. Oh, OK. So we just do a mash up of I bet the Durham Bulls love this idea. They resell it and they were like, I bet that they may have just changed their mind.

They're like, I think we're going to pass. Yeah, stop making the jersey coming off the jersey. They just were like, I just cancel that.

So, OK, so we thought last night it was like ninety seconds, everything sold out. So we put in a bigger order. But what we'll do is when they arrive instead of being like, hey, during this episode and we'll give you a week heads up. Yeah. So we're going to say it and then you'll have or whatever three or four days. Yeah.

But I know that they're in production and that will, will have an actual hey they're here soon. Update for you.

Um the. I can't believe we've already done an hour I like it's barely moved. What conversation? No, I'm not thinking about buying a jet ski do it. I was thinking about buying a jet ski because I was like I was like, I want a boat.

I wanted to sell books. I follow these guys on.

What if you can pull up to Sharipova Place on Jet Ski? I bet that would look so pimp was so pimp and you got a couple of rackets in a backpack and you're like, you want to hit a couple balls? I pull up and like, yo.

I say we bang. She's like tennis balls, my bad. I was a bad thing to say.

You got a greeter in Russian is when it all pastor. Delish, a little tennis watch, tennis in Russian, just tennis, Tennie, Tenere, and I imagine we introduce them to tennis, Bolshoi tennis balls, big tennis shoes.

Tennis means big tennis.

Really? Yeah. Bolshoi, tennis, tennis.

But Bolshoi tens and again by shittiness, typing, typing, typing Hey, Maria.

Oh, yeah, there you go. Typing Hey Maria, would you like to play tennis and then possibly be an extra in a porn? I'm shooting. I guess we just lost Maria Sharapova to. OK, and now play it invariably the right thing you see with that system, my young partner.

Yeah, just clip that put on your phone here, do it again. I'll do the voice over to it. OK, ready.

Go, Amory. Obligatorily the right thing. You see with that system. My corner.

There you go. Yeah. Should be an extra. She's just following her. OK, I got you. This is awesome.

You should do messages to people in all different countries. We definitely could. This is a great idea.

Whatever who's who's someone we should talk to in like. In like let's do, let's do. What language do they speak in Serbia.

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All right. Oh, do you ever see the Japanese stop motion porn's I told you about? No, this guy that comes in and is like it's I think it's fucking I couldn't stop watching because I was just so bizarre the way he does it.

Do you see something bizarre? Yeah.

And by the way, pull up Japanese porn freeze time.

I know I've talked about this on the podcast, I have to have stop, stop timeworn stop time for there it is. That is just click click at. So this is what this guy does. I'll go to the subway, go to the subway, go to subway, subway one, so this is what this guy does, Tom. He's got a thing that freezes time. Let's take a big screen, please skip ad so this guy has a thing that freezes time, right?

OK, and. He goes into like he's on a train, right? So far, so good, right? Normal. Yes. This guy is like, what's this? Keep in, keep going, keep going and get back on the train. Where? Why are we not on the train? Get back on the train.

It's a two hour movie scroll to find the train. They go, OK, go back, go back, go back, go back. There you go, right there. So what he does is he freezes time and then they stop. They can't move. So right now, he's in a classroom and he's got a thing that freezes time and then he just molests everybody. By the way, why do you have to fucking blow that out? Because everyone's frozen in time, right?

Yeah. And then. What is a pen? Yeah, put a pen in her. It's not as sexy. What else happened? And so and so then all of a sudden it unfreezes time and everyone's like, wait, what the fuck the pain in my ass? Yeah.

Let it go up there. Like, see, see that one woman is just frozen, right? Yeah, this is super fucking weird, man. Yeah, his face is going like this as we move forward.

So we get to the part where they unfreeze. OK. And then they're like, wait, what the fuck just happened to us, did we get fucked? That's what's happening right here.

Yeah, they're like, oh my God, man, I'm just having an orgasm cause I just woke up and I had someone's fucking with my body.

Yeah. It's the craziest porn because it's like, how did you find this? I just came up with my in my in my list, but what's crazy about it is that. It you're asking a porn's they're hiring porn stars to just do nothing. I've seen this one when they're on the train, right.

So he just freezes it and then he goes, all right, I know what you do. So this guy is like with us, go figure it out, too. But she's frozen. So they just go around and just go, hey, I'm going to get you totally naked.

But then they wake up. They're like, what the fuck? Yeah. That's a good it's a weird porn because imagine if they go. Look, everyone's frozen and then also in their own frozen lake, what the who sticks in my mouth? How often did this happen? What the wearing my clothes go, holy shit. Hey, what? This guy's behind me. Was he fucking me? Like, it's the craziest. And now she's having regular orgasms happen at once where she's like.

It's the weirdest because you're asking a porn star, hey, can you just not do anything and I just molest you while you stand there? Yeah, it's, um. Yeah, you could. Is that what you want to do for yourself? I don't know. I wouldn't mind trying one. I wouldn't mind doing that. And then I'll just go around and just go. Had OK had it, so it oh, this is what I wanted to show you.

Oh, they definitely can't play this. On the. Screen, but here, watch this. This is wild. How is she doing that to herself? What amazing aim she has and by the way, she's punching it like she's making sourdough bread and. Jesus, where did you find that in our inbox? I would send that to you. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm so much happier. I get hats that's aggressive. Those are things that you can't unsee.

Yeah. Yeah, I remember being in a are we can go to the podcast live somewhere. Yeah, he's got a message about that debate from from. Oh yeah. From agent. Oh, for real. Yeah. You want to do that. Yeah.

Yeah. Did you. Did you see the. Can I show you the thing. Hmm. I'll send you. Tibbett. I'm never going to be able to find this. I'll show to you after I got a mock up of what the show's going to look like, it looks fucking badass, which I'll tell you about it, OK? It's awesome. Really? Yeah, it really is awesome. Some guy some guy sent me a mock up of how they're going to do the show because they can do it socially distanced what show to their life.

Oh, OK. OK. And so I immediately said I want to do it, Tom. And I send it to someone and said, hey, set this up, and so it's I he sent me a virtual mockup of it. It looks fucking awesome. OK, cool. So two bears live guys coming. All right. It's coming. Sounds good. It's going to be fucking fun. And we got to go hard in the paint. Do we get do we eat edibles?

Um, we got hold on. But we need to make it like if we're going to do a two bears live, we got to make it like an event like we can't just go like stand on stage and just talk. We need to do big shit like like. Take it to the next level, porn stars like like like if we I don't know, you just can be bigger than it can be bigger than just us talking. Let's wrestle. We could do wrestling.

We could do we could do it. We could what we can do is.

Like someone gets a tooth pulled or something. We can episode, oh, we could do cocaine. Finally, everybody keeps asking me, oh my God, doing it live might be the shit, dude, how crazy would it be if we did cocaine and you had a heart attack, but you live.

Yeah, we have Drew there and he's like, clear, clear. Let me get your hands off him. A live two birds, one cave.

What want to do cocaine. That'd be awesome. And we we have a so I'm doing I'm going to a racetrack. And I wanted to ask people, anybody out there who recommends a helmet. Good helmet for me. Go ahead. Let me know because they always have good recommendation. Oh really. Yeah.

I think the idea if you ask from the audience knows, you know, one of my favorite things ever, I was at a bar in Dublin, Ireland, with cow head.

Yeah. And we had we were doing his show from the place of the bar and we had motorcycle helmets, maybe with motorcycle helmets. We had motorcycle helmet on so that you had the wired into the motorcycle helmet and the microphone. Yeah. So only we could hear each other. Yeah. So and you were on the floor of the bar but you had a motorcycle helmet so you're just talking shit. You're like and there was tons of people and a lot of beautiful women and that was broadcasting though they were broadcasting.

But what was great was when they weren't broadcasting, we kept motorcycle helmets on and kept drinking and just kept talking shit about people around us were like, oh my God, look, at this point, it was the first time I've ever had that. I want to do that as an event where I go, hey, guys, we're going to a bar. Let's all get motorcycle helmets and let's all talk about the people in the bar and then look at a motorcycle helmet.

Fuck, no, dude, it was so much fun. Buried secrets. Yeah. And but like, they they can't hear you. They get here use. You're like, oh my God, this fucking fat fucker standing right next to me and everyone's just dying. Laughing You're like, look at this piece of shit. And then and then the guy just turns goes, hey, what's up man? Like, Hey, how are you doing? I was crying.

Laughing. I mean, that would be fun to do.

But he's so much fucking fun for this podcast. For this podcast. Like, if we had a podcast, a live podcast and we could go somewhere and broadcast from somewhere where the people in the room didn't know we were broadcasting, you know, I mean, everyone just had a motorcycle, a motorcycle helmet kind of gives it away. You're like, OK, so what's this guy in the motorcycle, the Apple store like, hey, why don't you guys just take those off?

What are we like?

Because we're doing a show.

What if we did it at the Grove, right? Perfect. We do it at the Grove. We do a live show. We only sell like one hundred tickets. Everyone's got motorcycle helmets on and they're just and you're like, all right, guys, let's go in the Gap.

And the guy that would scare the fuck up the gap would shut down.

People had motorcycle helmets, pocket, like something's going to happen.

The black helmets with black visors, like the new visor.

Is this a protest? People on motorcycles just started laughing hysterically. I don't know. Yeah, you would think a bomb is about to go off immediately, just up. And then, like, you see such panic on people's faces.

Maybe like a.. Take taking over.

Here you go. OK, this seems like a better idea on paper, but often you see other people, motorcycle traffic.

Let's go to Coldstone guys. You guys probably have a three. Everyone freeze there. We just stop.

So let's do it.

So give us a shout out for a good motorcycle, OK? I want one for the racetrack too.

Oh, forget how funny would that be when we call a motorcycle helmet parties and everyone just goes to the grove you like. It's a really good idea actually. It really is. One hundred tickets. It's limited. You got to still got a ticket, doesn't include your motorcycle and everyone just gets wired and then you're like and then you just do the fun and you film the whole thing. Yeah. So you're doing the funniest thing. You're like, all right guys, we're going to do M.C. Hammer dance right now.

And then everyone just starts doing it. Everyone's like, what the fuck are these? And then someone goes, then the cops show up.

Right? And they're like, all right, who's in charge here? And we go, everyone raise their hands.

And they're like, No, no, seriously, for real one guy.

And then go, All right, everyone put their hands down. And now, Tom, raise your hand. All right, drop it. I'm gonna raise my hand now, just like I would be fun.

Fucking shit. Yeah, it actually is.

It feels like an art project, actually. It does feel like an art project. We do it at the Grove. We could do it at a football game. I think people really like it. I really do hit us up and see if you'd want to do a motorcycle helmet party with us. What your teeth thing.

Oh, I wanted to I would say, how come they don't make like a white out for your teeth? Aren't you doing your sleep thing or you're so fucked? Did I miss it? Say Thursday nights tomorrow.

Oh yeah. Tomorrow. I do think to sleep thing tomorrow at your house, right. Yeah. Yes. And what happens.

He's come in your house. Come to my house. He's. Try drones on you. I don't. I think he's just got to take my blood pressure and then analyze my nose. Yeah. And then he's going to we're going to I think we're just going to start buying sleep sleep apps and then just trying them out. But you're going to have one tomorrow and you won't have one tomorrow. And he used a full face mask. Yeah, right.

You're going to sleep. Is that what you use? No, I don't have one. But you're going to sleep so different.

I hope so. You don't you don't use anything. I use a mouth guard like a custom mouth guard national game changer.

I don't use anything. And I said I wasn't going to drink this week, so I'm getting ready to go on the road and I got to lose weight. I thought you said you drank too. Bottles of wine.

I said I was going to not drink. That's not what happened. Oh, I was taking Xanax last night and I was like, I can't work out of it. Take as an extra. You can give it a shot.

It's so hard. You don't think I've tried that.

I like to take his antics, get on the treadmill and then pretend I'm running away from Bill Cosby and I'm like, oh, god, he's catching me. You have give me your DNA in a beer. Yeah, when I when I was a freshman, there was a kid on the on the football team in college who he had some injury it big fucking linemen. And after, you know, I checked on him, he's on my hall.

I was he doing he goes, I'm fine. You know, they gave me these pain pills, but I don't want them. I don't need them. And I was like, I'll take them.

And he gave me these, like, full bar perks that were so strong. I mean, he was at 290 pound guy and and I took one of those and had a beer and just woke up the next morning on the couch in a pool of drool.

And those are my favorites. And I'm hoping to get some tomorrow.

Oh, that's right. I'm going to I'm not the only thing that works for those perks.

I mean, a lot of pain. I remember I remember one time I was going to get I think something fell off something or got hit by something. And they were like and that was in the doctor. And they're like. So on a scale of one to ten, how bad is your pain? And I go, ten. And they're like, well, you said that pretty quick, like you want to analyze it. And I was like, hold on, does seven get me pills?

And they're like, are you just trying to get pills? And I was like, ten is ten is twelve. It's fucking twelve. Like, I'm in a lot of pain. I can barely go to sleep. OK, I bet I had those Percocet are fucking when I fell off a waterfall I got addicted to oxes. Oxes are pretty fucking insane.

I'll try to get them, see what they give them. They give them pretty easy. I'm just going to be like everything hurts. I'm to really it feels like I have cancer.

How about a little a little little action there, doc? I'm going to I'm going to go for it, see what I can get.

Yeah. Tell him double say. Oh, just you know, my buddy, he's also hurt. My buddy is going to do the same surgery and his doctor is a dick.

You imagine a doctor like oh your friend's not feeling. Yeah. I mean double up on that for you. I was like this is the funniest look I've ever seen on the man's face. We have Eila and it's like five months later and I'm in the upstairs bathroom at our old place. And I look at Lianne's prescription pills and I'm like, Hey, babe, these are about to expire.

Should we kill these? And she comes in, she goes, Are you about to eat my pregnancy medicine? Like my my painkillers from my pregnancy? And I said, well, they're about to expire. We don't want to go bad. She was like, what are you going to eat them for? You hurt? And I said, No, just eat them. It's Sunday. Like to have fun.

Yeah, we'll fucking each take two and then we'll fucking hang out and have a good time. She was like maybe that was for me delivering a child out of my vagina.

And I went, yeah I know. I bet they're awesome. Yeah. I've given, I remember to try it.

No, no. She took them away from me. Leeann's really afraid of pills like I, I think it's because of her upbringing and that's, that's what all her can do. Oh and so like, like all the people around her town are all fucked up on pills.

Have you ever had pills like prescribed to you that I gave the lithium. No. Like that she's seen you take while you're around her, you know. I mean like no, no, no, I've never taken a pill in front of her. No, never. Let me take my blood pressure. I take it if I take a pill.

She caught me one time. She caught me one time I was in we were in Tampa and I was really hungover and I didn't feel right. And I was like, I can take Xanax and level this out and just sleep the day way. And I took a Xanax and she goes, Did you take a Xanax? And I was like, How do you know she was honey, I can tell in your face. So if I take a Xanax, you're taking on the deal and she she shuts down.

One time we took a vacation to Palm Springs. It was right before I went South Africa to do that tour. Yeah, everyone did.

And she had been a mom for the whole fucking time.

We just had Georgia, which she just had Eila. She just had Eila. We go to Palm Springs and she was like, I just want to sleep. And I was like, well, you take one of my Ambien. She's a real I was like, honey, you'll fucking pass out. So we take an Ambien, she takes an Ambien, we have sex. We we have a bottle of wine. Right, because we eat dinner with a bottle of wine.

And in the middle in our room, you know, at the restaurant and at the restaurant starts falling asleep.

And I go, we'll get you back back to the hotel room. She's like, I these things are really intense. I'm like, and she's like talking crazy, sending out racist tweets. I know. But she gets back to the room. We were in Palm Springs for two days. She slept for thirty nine hours. She just kept sleeping and she'd wake up and then fall back asleep. She and I said, I don't think she interacted well with my Ambien.

And our doctor said our doctor friend said, yeah, because you're prescribed for you, you gave them to her. She's half your fucking size.

And I went, oh, that's how science works. That's how science I was like, no wonder I had a glass of wine, like, you know, supposed to drink all those things. By the way, same doctor told me when I got them, I got them for South Africa to Africa. They were like they were like, take one. Have like a couple of glasses of wine. You'd be like a dream. And I was like, is that doctor prescribed?

Like, that's what I do. Yeah. And you're like, Oh, that's right. You're also a dude.

The state has told it, you know, California is so fucked. Now you want. Anything like you have to go to the doctor to get have the full exam to get a prescription now Stu is fucking stupid, by the way.

I'm sure a lot of people have died off pills. Yeah, but it's not never gonna happen to me. We got to run. Love you guys. Love you. I love hope you lived through the surgery.

Thanks, man. I hope so too. I'll say prayers for you. Thank you.

Tom. Tom. And one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in Bergstein Machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call sandbaggers. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call so you focus on Katie.