Editor's Note: This transcript was automatically transcribed, so mistakes are inevitable. You can contribute by proofreading the transcript or highlighting the mistakes. Sign up to be amongst the first contributors.
I do, Jack, definitely. Yeah, yeah, and just fuckin dislocate my jaw like a python got 100 percent.
As people adapt to this ever changing world, we're all going to be buying more stuff online before more than ever. If you're an e-commerce seller, are you ready to meet the demands of your new delivery culture? Be ready with ship station. When you're selling online, you get a lot of orders out fast and they can it can be really tough.
How do you keep track of who gets what? What shipping carrier should you use? Are you getting the best rates? That's why we use ship station here at Dubas. One cave is the fastest, easiest, most affordable way to manage and ship your orders. We just a few clicks. You're going to, on your orders, putting out labels, getting your products to happy customers. Ship station makes it easy. Here's what I love about ship station.
Whether you're selling on Amazon, Etsy or on your own website, ship station brings all your orders into one simple interface, making them easy to manage from any device, even your cell phone. And they work with all the major carriers, USPS, FedEx, UPS, even Amazon fulfillment. So you can compare and choose the best shipping for you and your customers. They even give you the big discounts that are offered to the big Fortune 500 companies. It's the number one choice of online sellers.
So right now are two buyers. One KABE listeners can try ship station for free for sixty days. When you use the offer code gave, make sure your business is ready to meet the demands of every delivery culture. Get started. A ship station dotcom today. Click the microphone at the top of the homepage type in cave. It's that easy. Ship station dotcom then enter the code cave ship station dotcom bakeshop happen. You rescued another animal.
Welcome to another episode of Cuba's funniest book.
Well, it's not funny. There's one guy had a. Oh, man, I am all over the there was this this boy who rescued his daughter, his sister. Did you see that? A boy who rescued his daughter, his sister, his sister. I am fucking hungover today. I wish I could drink right now and just get home. I don't know how I get home. I could take you home. Yeah, but I have my car out here and then I'm going to be a fucking Chicho.
So this young boy, his dog was going to attack his sister and he got in front of the in between the dog and his sister and he got attacked by the dog pretty aggressively. I put it on my Instagram and all my all my Twitter. I put it on the Twitter. The kid got fucked up by this dog and he did it to protect his sister. Fucking such a bad ass move by this kid. So I posted on my Twitter.
I'm not laughing at this kid at all by any stretch of the means by posting on my Twitter and I was like, this kid's a real hero or whatever. And this guy, I followed him. He goes, oh, my God, wait. Dilbert gets his hands on this dog.
It made me laugh out loud, I followed the kid and IBM to my God, you just made me I was drunk like you just made me laugh out fucking loud to use Growbag. It was pretty funny. But there's some really funny things that people read.
Somebody that somebody wrote, I don't know.
I think I said that something was hilarious. And then a guy's comment was, let me guess, did did a pipe fly through somebody's chest cavity?
Yeah, there's a lot of funny. Oh, you love. I love that.
I sat down here and right before we hit record, you go. I love who I am when I'm drunk.
Yeah. I love it's such a real honest version of me. It's like it's very pure.
I love who I am when I'm drunk. I got lit last night like like the kind of lit. Like, I can see it a little bit in my eyes right now. Yeah, yeah, like I'm like the kind of drunk where you just were. You like, I need alone time.
I'm going to get weird, you know, like does a specific type of booze do that to you or is it. No, I caught me off guard. It hadn't happened a very long time. What were you drinking? So I started with Iran. I worked out last night and I was like I was like I so that I worked out that I had a glass of wine in the pool. You had a glass of wine during your shower? During my shower?
Yeah. Shout out to fit mine. I hope we got to get them to sponsor us because fit mine is fucking awesome. I think. Well is that the wine left Hannon's by the way.
I'm not doing a read for them right now, but I'm legit drinking with mine and I guess tanon I got less sugar. It's fucking awesome. I was drinking a lot of food lately.
OK, so fifteen is is coming on as a sponsor.
Dude that is a marriage made in heaven because I've been drinking mine so I run four miles, I run four miles and then I open a bottle of wine. Right. Yeah. And then I walk a mile with a glass of wine.
Get in the pool. I have a little I'm sure they're like please don't talk about drinking.
What you were exercising. Yeah, they can't but they're fit so.
But it creeps up on you fit mine because I don't think there's as much alcohol. It's like ultralights and not as much sugar then I'm not sugar so I'm drinking. Keep going. You drink. I want to let you drink. So you had your wine, had a wine, made some cauliflower mashed potatoes, have finished the bottle.
And then I was like, I don't want to open another bottle but I'm like fucking feeling it. And so I go into these beers that these hazy IPAs I mean I had on the tour bus and man two beers in. I get weird.
Girls are sleeping in that goodbye's. The phone I start fighting with people like going like. I got to tell you, it's one of my favorite birds is like wanting to get, like, combative. Dude, I got I had a legit fight with a bunch of people and just like arguing with them.
And then I watched that that thing the other day. That was great to watch to. You know, the thing I asked you to send me, remember, I was like, oh, I watch that. That was great. I just fucking didn't get you fired up.
I texted I texted one of the guys and said, I can't wait till I get to repay you in life. Yeah. I can't wait till I get to repay you. Yeah.
I'm not done with it so. Oh yeah.
So am and a bit obsessed with football, a football life and so like I got my, I got. Do you keep drinking after those beers. Oh yeah. Yeah. I just, I just, I killed all the beers. How many beers and a fucking four. Six. And so were they coming for packs.
So I'm working on another search and so, and I just was up and I started texting you guys and I don't remember texting you guys but texting you things I was livid about like Libya, because out of nowhere I think Nadav and I.
By the way, welcome back. Nadav and I, we we had talked about hey, like so coming in at this time in the morning and you're like, yep, see you then. And then hours go by because that's like eight o'clock midnight. At midnight just is just a text from you, the 72 dolphins were a fluke and then the next Texas Christian Akoya.
Oh my God, Christian Akoya. I mean, but these have zero context.
They're just I'm like, OK, for people that don't follow football.
72 dolphins remain the NFL's only undefeated team.
Yeah, and it's horseshit. OK, it's horseshit. I was so fucking angry last. I'm watching a hundred greatest. Right.
It's such a great series on NFL Network. They do a great job. They do a really great job. Shout out to those people in the NFL. A football life is maybe my favorite thing to watch. I love a football life. I can watch ones. I don't even know who you are. And I'm like Bruce Smith. I know Bruce Smith. But I go, Tell me about Bruce Smith. I'm fucking obsessed with Bruce Smith. Now I'm about Bruce Smith, Jersey, Bruce Smith, sweet and sour sauce.
But yeah, he's dopey.
So I'm watching the the fucking hundred greatest teams of ever right now.
The top ten, I think of all pretty much happened in our lifetime. And I'm going, no. Who the fuck, no one and they go, the 72 Dolphins bullshit fucking bullshit. By the way, Bob Greasy wasn't even their fuckin quarterback for half the season. Did you know that? No, I did. It was a fucking it was their backup quarterback won 10 games for them, but it wasn't even he got hurt like three games in there.
No one to sort of speak on their team. Mercury Morris was their fucking running back there. It's such a bullshit fucking team. Well, when you compare them to, like, the fucking 79 fucking Steelers, the Cowboys from the 80s, the fucking 49ers from the 80s, the fucking Bears, the Patriots, it's such a bullshit fucking team. That is your is your argument, though, that there are bullshit team because the the league was a lesser league.
Is it bullshit league passing wasn't what it is today. Yeah. All you need is one some by the way, I'm not shitting on like I understand they're all fucking heroes and legends and stuff and.
Well I think. But isn't the counterargument to something like this happens all the time? Is sports the fun part of discussing sports? But isn't the counter argument like the argument to what you're saying, that like, hey man, what do you want someone to do but win all the games? Like they won all the games?
Yeah, but it's it was. But anyone could have done that then.
But they did. They're the only one. Yeah, but it's just a fluke.
It's not. It's not. It's like going it's like it's like watching someone hit a home run and then and then everyone else it's onto the green and he goes on the best golfer here, you know, you hit a hole in one. I got you. It's not your you're the best golfer here. That's just one hole. And he's like, yeah, but I got the lowest score for this hole and it's a hole in one and not what you want to do.
You like know it and watch them celebrate it the way they do.
Every year they pop that every year they fucking and and by the way, I'm a huge but they have like all that brain damage so they're like and they pop it into their fucking eyes or Mercury Morris every time he's like those guys are.
So that was Pacman.
How much was riding helmets by the way, the argument that that I've heard a lot of people go, what they need to do is go back to like the 30s and 40s when the guys just were like open face mask and they had no they don't know.
That would result in way more catastrophic injuries.
Man What do you think the best team ever is?
I don't know, because this goes back like I actually liken this to making the argument about the best, let's say, NBA player, because people go like, you know, the top ten is like pretty easy to know. But here's my point, because even the players will say this. And I think the older you get, this perspective becomes true, which is like right now, if you talk to somebody who's like, let's say 21. Yeah.
Who's the best NBA player, like, it is normal and natural for them to talk about someone who they've watched from when they were a little kid, right? Yeah. And then, of course, if you go, you remove yourself one generation. So that would be like us. Back we go, Jordan. Jordan is so much better.
And, you know, we give all our Jordan stats.
Then you go to somebody who's like, you know, whatever, 60 or 70 and they're like, you guys never saw Wilt Chamberlain play. And we're like, no, no, I get it. He was awesome. And they're like, no, you don't. And here's the truth. I don't understand like, I don't understand what it was like to watch Muhammad Ali fight.
I don't I've seen documentaries. I've seen the interviews. I know that he's great, but I never will have the appreciation for his greatness. I never saw it. I never saw it, man. I was by the time I was, you know, the conscious enough to, like, watch things, like he was retired. I mean, so I just hear about his greatness.
So I think that, like that that conversation in sports will always be the same. People will appreciate most what they witnessed live, what they got to see, what they got to digest, and they'll they'll argue to the death. I mean, these LeBron MJ arguments, like they're exhausting and they're fun and they're you know, it's I get it. People will compare stats and then they'll go, you know, but there's this element that you can't weigh and it just, you know, it just kind of goes in circles.
I don't I don't know that like that you can actually make the argument that it's I mean, like you look at the eighty five bears, right.
That was greatness in my bears. And what was it, the eighty seven Redskins. Yeah. We're like two of the teams that I just we're like the team from Washington please.
Oh yeah. Fuck Jesus. I just fucking did name them. Yeah.
Erbe fucking hate bermed them. Jesus Christ that's crazy. I didn't even, I just slipped out of my mouth. It hurt me.
But will you are words the Washington R word aren't they. They aren't.
Is that how you say it. That's what I'm going to start saying.
Why don't we petition Dan Snyder you like.
We still got time. How about the R word? But look. I mean, how about those Niños that in those 90s cowboys, like there's like then they went three in the 90s, those keywords from Dallas Fort Worth, three words.
Yeah, they they do. They were so dominant. I mean, Emmitt Smith, Michael Irving, they're fucking defensive line was insane. Well, their offensive line to their offensive line was fucking crazy.
Do they dated this football life on the Dallas Cowboys offensive line?
Dude, there was a time like now it's become standard. If you watch NFL football that like offensive lineman.
I mean, I think they're like peaking what human physiology is capable of because these guys are walking around, you know, six, six and they have a bunch of guys that are three fifty.
And you're just like I mean, they're just human fucking houses. But they were the their team looked different. When you're watching football in the 90s. Yeah. Those are big guys. And you see the Cowboys offensive line stand up.
You go back.
I remember Dion going to that team and then going to San Francisco. We go, yeah, he won San Francisco first, right? No, second.
That was like that was also like one of the things like, come on. And then he played it perfectly. Yeah.
You want to it it's interesting, you know, when you talk about he was pretty good.
Deum Yeah. God's amazing. I mean really just an amazing, amazing, just athletic specimen like he could do. I have a feeling he could do everything. I saw Shaquille O'Neal and Charles Barkley do a bench contest. Did you see this. Have you seen us recently. It was probably a while ago. It was definitely a while ago. Would they bench. But what way to these try to guess they started out at 135, OK, guess what they ended at?
And guess who won? And they were just going for ones or own reps. One rep.
And you don't know. Are you going to tell me he was in within the last year or within the last 10 years? It's been within the last 10 years. Oh, OK. Pain and gain was they were promoting Paghman Game with Mark Wahlberg and The Rock. Twenty eighteen.
Oh OK. I would definitely guess that Shaq. Now, here's this one I talk about when it happened, Jack, like he's also a specimen, obviously, but like when he got in, he got in, he got really out of shape and then he got into working out.
And you see me like, holy shit, man.
Like, this is not when he was working out OK.
I would guess that he's just such a massive that he could throw up on any given day. God, yeah. What do you think? What do you think they maxed out at. And this is one Rapke. One Rep Jesus.
I would think that he could easily do. I mean, for someone, if he doesn't bench all the time, but as huge as he is at three fifteen or something, 405, he did four or five.
No, Charles Barkley did four.
OK, I mean, I'm sorry, what did you what did Shaq was he he got he couldn't get four or five off his chest. He got to like three three thirty or something. That's it dude. It was he show it without playing the. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. It's the it's the top one. Wow, look at small actually on hold on. Look at how small the rock looks between the two of them. That rock that was the rock it was, yeah.
Look at how small the rock got weighed.
The rock is 65. What the fuck? I thought Berkeley was six four.
I thought Berkeley was six to. Look at how tiny the real picture, yeah, look at how tiny the fucking rock is. Yeah, well, I have everyone today. Yeah, you should drink. We got some beers. You want a beer? I just want to figure out how the fuck I'm getting home. You can have a beer and drive George out. George will take this car, right? Yeah. I got nothing to do today.
I have one towards the end. OK. OK, look at how fucking small the rock is, I got to see this. I'm so curious now. So they're and they're doing like and so wait, because honestly, like right now, Barclays in way worse shape than that right now. Right now. Oh, yeah, probably. And Shaq is definitely stronger now. So that's. That is such a huge guy. He really is. What do you think it's like to fuck him?
I bet there's got to be like a real you got to submit, like you've got to be like, oh yeah, if you're if you're like, I'm not so sure about this, that's a problem.
That's the way we just jumped to twenty five, really. 135 to twenty five.
Look at Chuck. Chuck just throws it up easy as fuck. Yeah. To 25 then they go to three or five right away. Right. Look at a three point play.
Maybe there's not. So that's see, there's a little struggle there, though. Watch that watch Chuck 315, OK. Down, but that was way easier for him. Yeah, that was easier for him. Now we're doing four plates. He's like joking around shit, but now he could not do that. Fuck, and then Berkeley, I see four or five struggling, but you got it, yeah, he got it. Wow.
Yo, dude, it's pretty impressive for I'm sitting there watching this last night going a different specimen, man, that's fucking not working.
I just mean, like I mean, I could throw up for most people definitely wait like ninety nine percent of people unless you like training to do that, you don't have that kind of strength. No.
Remember when we were at uh at Joe's Place. Yeah. And we were like what we were trying to put up to twenty five. Twenty five. Yeah. And I got it. You got it already. And I couldn't get it out. I struggled with one thirty five.
We're talking about start with one thirty five. And that was after everyone was drinking and smoking.
And then Joe came in like lit he was and he was like what are you guys doing here.
Like trying to see if we can hit to twenty five. He was like I got that shit and started back.
I think he did like ten times again. Hong Kong. Can I tell you what I've been looking for. Hardcore. Hold on. I'm not done with this fucking argument about the greatest NFL football team.
Oh I thought you were talking about Shaq. Fucking you. Go ahead. No, by the way, I. We were teaching his youth how to swim. Yeah. I don't know if I told you this, but, like, he panicked in the water one time and I tried to help him and he just he's just about. Yeah, but he grabbed me with, like, panic strength.
Yeah, that's scary. And I my first thought was I could not hold him down and fuck him like like and then Shane goes, well he's pretty slippery.
He was in the water and I was like, no, but like when you feel someone's panic strength and you go so like if I was going to, if we were in prison and I was going to fuck him and I was like, I'm coming in, I'm going to fuck Jesus, I couldn't. I really couldn't.
Oh, yeah. I could see that being a problem. But imagine Shaq doing that to you.
Or imagine imagine a Jack Barkley tag team.
And they and they make you service one in the mouth at a time while I do Shaq definitely. Yeah, yeah. And just fucking dislocate my jaw like a python.
I could pull up a picture of Jack's dick.
I don't think that's out there. Google it. I bet it is. OK. Chac. No, no, no. Shaquille O'Neal's deck will get this. OK, look at that girlfriend you had there, right there, yeah, yeah, we think that was like I mean, you think she's submitted she's the size of his leg.
Yeah, she's the size of his leg. I wonder.
That's an interesting like go go back to like the the actual ad like the results of the search, not the image, because there wasn't like an article, that first article seemingly never ending obsession with Chapstick. Yeah.
So there's I think everyone I think I heard him say Claygate. That's a shoe size, right? Uh. It's pretty late. There's a guy who started an online petition that demands to see Shack's dick, I respect to that guy. I did. I respect that guy a lot. We all have our hill to die on. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think it actually is?
Well, I mean, just just. OK, so if you go. So if it's proportional to proportional, I have a regular sized dick like not super big, just regular sized dick, average size, average size like six and change seven if I cough. And so. So what would you like. Let's say I have a six and a half inch dick.
Right. I'm six feet one inches so four of every foot. I guess you can't. How can you do this? Now you're saying, like just stature wise, a six inch dick is it is essentially the average, like the American or whatever their world size. The average size dick is about six inches. Yeah. So if he's a foot taller than the average male's actually six feet.
I think he's a full seven one. He's seven one foot taller than me.
So you've got to add just an inch for every he's got it's got, it's got to be at least nine inches. Right.
Oh it, I mean it has to be has to be one if we can find out anyone who knows.
Well, there's that one girl that that wrote a book but she sucked so many dicks you might go, oh you had. Yeah, yeah. She might be like, well how could we find out.
I was like is that Derrick Rose is doing? And she's just like, oh, they're all NBA players. I know the NBA players.
Um. Now, that would be the way to find out a former teammate. That's how you find out my buddy's dad coached the magic when he was on it. Yeah. Oh, he knows. Yeah. Why? Why? I really missed an opportunity to ask him about Shaq.
I asked I asked every NFL player I've met once, once it's not weird. I'm like, so who is the biggest to really.
Oh, really. Everyone says Charles Barkley. Charles Barkley was so big he'd go up and put it in people's pockets.
By the way, hardcore bipolar, a lot of football life.
I've watched a lot of a football life. Do they have that story? No, but I but I heard Charles Haley had a massive dick. That's what they're talking about right there. And he'll go up and he put it in people's pockets and you'd be sitting there and he'd be sitting next to you and his dick would be in your pocket.
Put that last picture right there. That's what he's talking about, too. He's like, my dick is as big as four of your dicks. Put in put in Charles Haley dick pocket. OK, I. While this. Oh, wow. There he goes, there goes, there goes Troy Aikman, reveals Charles Ailee, one well put penis on NFL. These are stories Charles Taylor doesn't want to share any more. These were fun in the early 90s and now you're like other sexual assault charges.
It was one hell of an NFL player. He reportedly used to walk up to teammates and blatantly masturbate right in front of them.
He also used to reportedly say things like, you know, you want to suck this to guys like Joe Montana while holding his job.
Oh, my God.
And according to Troy Aikman, there was even one time when Haley walked up behind fellow NFL player Matt Millen and placed his penis Amylin shoulder while he was playing cards.
It's a little unclear how.
OK, Charles Haley is a very volatile, like, unpredictable, insane, insane, because he realized, too, that he's such a big, like, nasty player, like a dangerous kind of guy.
But he would do that. And you have to go like, all right, man. All right. All right.
His body, when you watch him walk, he looks like he looks like go to the search results again when you type that in at the top one. Hit that one. Yeah, he his body, when he walked, it looked like the guy who had the fake legs with the the the razor. Remember the. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that guy Charles Hayley's body looks like that, like he's on his toes, like he looks like he's ready to sprint.
He will take that larger due to he was blood Gitte.
An amazing fucking football player. Yeah. No I mean, yeah, he's a legend Hall of Famer. Uh, let's see. Here's the reputation. His reputation start with his penis, a firehose of an organ that brought Haley more pride than any game winning tackle. As he grew comfortable in the forty Niners locker room, they would stroll up to an unsuspecting teammate, whip out his phallus and repeatedly stroke it in his face.
Players initially laughed it off, but Haley refused to stop. He would jerk off in the locker room and the trainer's room. He'd wrap his hand around his peanut, turned toward Joe Montana or John Taylor and say, you know, you want to suck this. You only wish you had this baby. Charles used to beat off in meetings while talking graphically about players wives. Oh, my God.
And it got to the point of ejaculation. What?
Yeah, Haley was socially awkward and unflinchingly vicious. That's what I'm saying. So when you combine someone's viciousness with blatant, like aggressive sexual behavior, it is tough to be around. He's been prescribed medication to treat manic depression, would take the pills one day, skip the next, expose himself to reporter for the San Mercury News.
He rarely passes up an opportunity to verbally pounce on a teammates or teammates shortcomings. An ugly child, a protruding mole, a lisp say it says he was a great players as Dexter Carter.
But there's only so much a man can tolerate. Yeah, he's got a lot of mental problems. It sounds like once he got going, the words flew from his mouth as if they were from a browning 50 caliber machine gun. Anyone effeminate was a faggot. Oh, my God.
African-American players who became close with the coaching staff were oh, house and things. And Uncle Tom's whites were honkies.
Hispanics respects Jesus Christ.
Oh, here's a Haley joke. A joke Haley told with particular. What do a Mexican in a hotel have in common? A mop twice.
It is like you're cleaning.
I thought it was like sometimes twice. As racial barbs resulted in fights with former teammate Jim Birte, white defensive lineman who decked Haley both times.
Wow, Jesus Christ, dude, this is Fanta. Hey, save this article for me.
Charles Haley was fucking savage.
Oh, my God, he was. Can you imagine being in a meeting and with a guy with a big dick just jerking off just also?
Yeah. It's a guy who's like six four and can kill you. This episode is brought to you by features. I feel like there's nothing more annoying than having socks that you keep that suck, you know, like the hat, like there's just something wrong with them. Like they slip down or they you know, there's a hole that starts.
You feel like they don't know. You don't feel good when you put them on and you're like, why don't you just keep them like you keep every time you pull them out, like, oh, here's my shitty socks and you put them on and they suck and features decided we're going to make an awesome this is the best thing I could think of.
These fucking socks, these socks feel like they are they feel like you're not worthy to have them.
Yeah. I mean, when, you know, when you like you go in someone's house, you know, this house is too nice for me. These are like these they're so nice. They're so comfortable. You actually feel cushion support.
They feel like you're wearing luxury socks. That's the best thing I could tell you. They're amazing. And they are the the number one running sock in America. And you can see why Peter's has quickly become the number one running sock in America. For listeners of two bears, one cave, you can receive ten dollars off your first pair of features by going to features feet. You are X.com. Use our code bears.
It's ten dollars off your first pair when you go to features. You are. Yes, dotcom. Enter the promo code. Beyer's at checkout again. That's features dotcom. Use our code bears to get ten dollars off your first pair of features.
If you haven't heard us talking about forums dot com, you're not listening for him. This is all about men. Well men's wellness.
If you need help with hair loss, Ed or have a cold interested in mental health or even covid-19 home test. That's right over at home. Nineteen tests hims is here for you.
I love him. I started losing my hair when I was twenty two and I got in front of it. And now. I still can make it look like I still have a full head of hair because I started doing something about it, if you notice that your hair is thinning, you want to do something about it, go to forums, dot com. This was a company started by a man that knew some of the conversations men want to have with health care providers are better to have online than in person.
You don't want to wait in those long lines like I had to when I was a kid.
All you got to do very easy. 66 percent of the men start losing their hair by age 30 or 60. You know that. I knew that. I knew that because I just when I started losing my hair, all you got to do is get online. Hem's is going to connect you with a licensed medical professional to answer all your questions for free. And if they feel like you are the right guy for it, they're going to prescribe FDA products to treat your hair loss right for you.
If approved, the products will be shipped discreetly and directly to your door. For Hem's dotcom. Today is giving you the best offer yet.
If you're not happy with your results after 90 days, hymns will give you a full refund. And now, right now, our listeners can get their first visit absolutely. For free. Go to forams, dotcom, bears', that's forams. Dot com slash bear's full refund price paid available for first 90 days supply refund request must be made between 90 and 100 days, 180 days after product shipment delivered. Prescription products require an online consultation with the medical professional who will determine the prescription.
Appropriate restrictions apply see website for full details and important safety information. That's for him. XCOM Bears.
I never understood guys who could jerk off like I would say the comedian's name. But there's a comedian I was hearing a story about one time and he was a writer, so I'll just say bleep it out. Yeah. Yeah, so they were all driving to like a gig, and I guess he just jerked off in the back. Yeah. And I was like, I can never understand that. Like, I don't I don't have that in my wheelhouse to like, if I'm going to masturbate, it's going to be alone.
I don't want anyone to see it on some people's thrill, though.
It's some people's thrill. I mean, all those things become some people's, like, excitement, you know, I don't know. I'm with you. I I've heard about it like public masturbation things where I'm just like I don't I mean, I'm the same way I'd be like I don't think anything would be more mortifying for me to do so. Yeah.
I mean, it doesn't get me excited. It doesn't get me excited. That's sort of the weird part of what is crazy is it's some people's thrills. It's what turns people on. And then you start the world has gotten into such a puritanical kind of like will make the rules will cancel. Everyone who isn't doesn't follow by the rules. These are the rules. You cannot be turned on by like, you know what's so funny?
Was fucking a little bit of mental gymnastics, I don't want anyone thinking I'm trying to say something, I'm not about certain people, but like I can't look at when on PornHub, when it says you'll, like, be strong and will say hot teen, I fucking scroll past it immediately.
I'm like, I can't get onto that.
I think because I have two teenagers. And one of the reasons. But but here's what's crazy is that you go. There are people that that that's illegal, right, under 18. Yeah, yeah, and but then they put that out there, like going, hey, teenager, high school girl and you're and but they're putting it out there. They need to scrub that from the fucking Internet first.
Well, I think what they're trying to do is dance with taboo.
And, you know, people know like obviously there's a legal age and then but there's also like other taboo things that get people going.
Like what somebody I forget who who works in that business told me that like or they said, at least according to them, that like one of the biggest, most popular taboo like topic subject lines is like incest stuff. So it's like not but not not real incest. Yeah. Yeah. Like, like but the the premise of the video will be like, you know, it's father daughter or brother sister or like that.
How can someone get into that and like I mean forbidden and I don't know. When do you think that's going to happen. When they start going through on our on our videos that we've put, we've jerked off to and they start posting them online. Would you be comfortable with that? I would.
It would be a nightmare for me because I have seen a lot of bad things and they all make me come. No, I would not want my searches in a lot of bad things, and they all make me come and they all make me come up.
That's not good.
Oh, wait. I wonder. I wonder what let's just I'm going to just pull up one of my PornHub searches, OK?
I'm a Charles Hailu, if it's good. Let's see what it is. I just type in p o.
This is the first thing that came up. If I can, I can do nubile films, put out good shit. What do they do? It's just tasteful porn. Oh, it's like it's but it's tasteful paperback, by the way. Nubile is, I think all means young, but it's not it's not young. It's like regular aged women. There's a fucking girl and they just it's like tasteful like well like shot in four by one right below it.
That looks very beautiful to Upclose Asshole Workshop. Thanks. It doesn't show up what I what I what I was looking for something in the past, I wonder if I got something in here. Go ahead. Here we go, PornHub premium you subtribe. No, I'm just saying, if this isn't goddammit and I subscribe to anything I was doing fans only for a couple of porn stars. I stopped only fans, only fans saying it like Robert. Paul champagne.
Yeah. Poor guy.
He, uh. Why'd you stop? I just. I don't know. I've been out of porn lately. Yeah. I was never done that either.
I suffer except for we we sign up in the office for Roberts to support them. Yeah.
I haven't really jerked off in a while. I'm proud of you in uh. I got to tell you, I did once. Yeah, like a week ago, but then I haven't been jerking off a lot.
Yeah, usually my stuff is more on the road. I jerk off more. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I was jerking off in the tour bus every morning.
I kind of look forward to it, like when I like when the show's over we have dinner. I'm like, I would love to have my nightcap and jerk off and go to bed.
You know, it's crazy. I, I used to have this joke that no one understood because I go I guess no one jerks off the way comics do on the road. Yeah. I was like, do you ever get that feeling where you're like you get in the elevator of your hotel and you're like, oh, I haven't jerked off today. I got a treat coming my way. Yeah. And then everyone else like I don't know you're talking about.
Oh yeah. That's, that's the opposite of that feeling is getting in the hotel.
You go, oh I've already jerked off today. Yeah. I, I'm taking my treat away from me.
Sometimes you're like it's a little hard to get this one now and then it hits you, you're like oh yeah. This is my third of the day.
I think of I think of one time and I went through a run recently, not recently, but like within the past where I jerked off, I think I jerked off three times. It was on the road. Yeah, jerked off three times in a day. Yeah. I go back to one time in Brazil where I was, I was hung over and I was like, all right, I got to jerk off or go to work because I need to like, fill up my serotonin.
And I remember being sweating in a no air conditioning in this hotel in the bathroom, just trying to jerk off. And I couldn't. Yeah.
And I was just like and also and I'm like my I saw somebody through the roof right now. I might have a stroke doing this.
And I was I've had those where I'm like, what's going on? I'm like just fucking like and I can't I can't focus on, like, the thought, like the sexual thought that I want to have to make it happen.
And like, I'm like, God damn it. And then you're just like, man, I've been tugging on this thing for a minute and I'm breathing hard and it's not getting there.
And then I feel like if you see a mirror, you're like, you really need to get your life together. Like, it's a really pathetic feeling to feel like you can't.
I can. I try to drag off on flights where I'm like, I got to stop there. Yeah, I'm on a flight. Yeah, I've tried it and I couldn't do it. Just like in the bathroom. No, just in the fucking aisles. Yeah. Like, I've been I've been like, I don't know, pent up.
I've thought about and I'm like flights that I never could get myself but all I could even get like three quarters.
I was like when I go jerk off in the in the bathroom and then I'll go to the bathroom, I'll lock it and I'll just be like too panicked.
And then, you know, like someone check the door and I'm like, hold on. I'm like, do you realize how canceled you get if you forgot to lock the door and you were jerking off on the flight and someone open the door? There's I think there's a part of like people think of men jerking off is like a pervert act as opposed to maintenance. Yes.
Only men under other men understand, like women will never fully comprehend what it is to be like. Backed-up Yeah. And like you're like like you can be agitated and like not thinking clearly all those things and and you just need a bust one out and then you're like, yeah, like I don't think I think some women actually do get it.
Like I think some of them go like oh like they've been in for some reason they comprehend it enough.
But a lot of them I don't think will ever understand, Leon.
One time I I'm trying to remember how this worked out, but like I wanted to have I come home off the road, I wanted to have sex. And she was like, it's not going to happen this morning when you get back.
So you mean they need to take care of yourself so you can deal? Yeah.
And I was like, oh, yeah, that's a good call. And I jerked off and I was totally fine to be around. Right. If I hadn't jerked off the whole time, I'd be thinking and that sounds like I think it's it's it goes back to this puritanical world that we're living in where it's like. The cancer culture is writing the rules of how you need to behave, so if you behave, I'll say the wrong thing. Yeah.
And yeah, you know, it's crazy. What do you say? I watched it four times and I was like, it was so crazy that I couldn't really get through it.
I it was lots of talk, like talking in circles, like, yeah, I heard him say something like like that we are the true like that what white people are the actual savages and animals of the world, which by the way, I consider that not only to be factual, but sort of I mean, I can see from his perspective where you would say that white people have done some absolute horrific.
Here's the thing.
So I heard that part and he was like, you know, like I heard him say, like black people, you know, the melanin in them. We actually they have soul. That's why they're.
So I thought I heard that some of it just that that will make a ton of sense to me. I was like I was like white people don't have compassion, which, by the way, once again, I got into a deep dive and started watching speeches.
But but historically, though, historically speaking. Yeah.
Historically know notoriously, if you want to look at like I'm not coming from an emotional place saying this, if you want to just like study history and you look at what, like traditionally white, you know, nations have done, they conquered and brutalized and like like I don't I don't know that person like that.
How about this? There's been a lot of brutality. I was reading this book about the Portuguese settlers who came down and kind of like I, I I'll tell you the name of the book so you can do it. But like the fucking savagery that happened in the past, they were telling the story of I'm reading a book about breathing right now. That's a good one, uh, down to the police pull up.
But I haven't actually it's called conquerers. How the Portuguese. How the port how Portugal is called conquerors, dude, these fucking dudes were going in, they go in and they'd say to a tribal leader, like usually Muslim. Yeah, and they are I think I think they're Muslim. They'd be like said one guy, hey, we're coming to your city, come out to the boat to greet us, the Portuguese. And the guy was like, I'm actually not feeling that well.
And like, OK, we're just going to kill you and your entire family then to teach everyone a fucking lesson. And then they took one guy and they go and they fucking tied him up on the boat. Right. Muslim dude shove bacon down his throat and then shit in his mouth and beat him and then let him go.
And they're like, that's how just, you know, that's how we roll. So when we come back, next time, have everything ready for us. And he's like, oh, well, shit in his fucking mouth, dude.
There's the Spaniards are like there's is does it not strike you as curious why they speak Spanish three thousand miles from where Spanish is spoken like it's it's not an accident like they are language like they came here and fucking murdered millions of people, millions.
They used to cut the native hands and feet off for fun.
They let their throats baby, kill the babies. They would do horrific things. All this is to say, wait, first of all, that I think saying that, historically speaking, whites are evil is not inaccurate.
But I mean, it's not like look at who's conquered all these. You know, it's just it's not it's not coming from a place of where we are today where.
Yeah, it's definitely when you have a platform as big as Nick Cannon's, you should maybe think twice about who you have on your podcast.
He had Professor Grant from Public Enemy is Public Enemy and they kept Flavor Flav. How one fucking crazy shit do you have to be saying in a public enemy meeting that they're like, hey, man, you got to fucking go. The guy with a clock, that's fucking Brigitte Nielsen who's been doing crack aggressively. Allegedly. Allegedly. Yeah. Well, here's what I want to know.
All this goes back to I don't know what the because I saw all these things about him being anti-Semitic. I want to know what he says. So it says here in quotes, I find myself wanting to debate this idea and it gets real wishy washy. This is but I didn't see it unclear for me when we give so much power to the to the VA's and the VA's turn into Illuminati, the Zionists, the Rothschilds. Mr. Cannister. Later in the podcast, he also echoed Mr Griffin's remarks about how black people are Semitic people by definition and that Semitic people are not white.
You can't be anti-Semitic when we are the Semitic people, Mr. Cannon said. That's our birthright. So if that's truly our birthright, there's no hate involved. I mean, this is kind of a semantics combined with conspiracy theory.
So basically, maybe they they have fired him for being dumb like anyone anyone who's I believe anyone who's racist is dumb.
I think that is the this is I mean, that's what he's saying, though, is nonsense.
It's it really is not like I said, I watched it four times that I couldn't get through it because I was like I was like none of this is none of this makes sense.
But it really seems like I would say, Mr. Cannon, you're right in that white people are evil, but you are not correct in your your Illuminati Rothschilds.
I don't even know what Rothschilds and I don't suppose, but it's like old. That's old, basically Jewish conspiracy theory. Bullshit like shit. The people are like, you know, they're controlling everything from behind.
What stinks is I just wanted to get us on wild and out. Now that's done. Yeah. We can start our own. I want some wild and out. Let me tell you something. There's some there's some blind spots with racism on that show. Oh, really?
Oh, the poor fucking Asian kid gets it so bad. They like everything. Everything is an old Asian joke. We're like at one point I think Nick Cannon says to the Asian kid, I something you be kicking, I'll get back and fucking make me my kung pao chicken. And the poor Asian kids like I mean, this national TV. Can you treat me like a human. Yeah. Also like you guys, you're my boss.
This is like how many episodes have we done? We've run through the whole menu. I mean, we've done General SAOs, we've done the fuckin kimchi.
Like, let's come up with some new stuff, man. Well, it's interesting. It's an interesting assessment for cancer culture because he gets fired from Viacom. Yeah, right. Yeah. And so that did that fall.
He loses logit money.
You know, he's getting fired from the mask and from the America's Got Talent. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You can't have him on. No.
You know, and so what are you looking for fucking. Opened, what is it? This was for you. OK, yeah. Are we doing cocaine today? I could definitely do a bump of Coke on the other side, but it's six grand on the floor right now. Is that really OK? Someone's going to start that off the ground, we're not like letting that go. That's sugar, I know how much sugar I take in my in a week of gallons a day.
That's not that bad in a week. Spread it out for a week. I guess it's not that bad.
So let's talk about cancer culture, because this is what's interesting to this is my cancer made that. By the way, your trainer put that here, listen to the show.
And he was like. Is Burt really drinking that much? I've been told he was pretty he was pretty serious and I was like, oh yeah, he was like, dude, the sugar intake on that. I was like, that's what that's what I thought.
And then I was like, but he's not drinking like the full he's drinking the low calorie of 10000 calories or whatever from five.
Some are ten. And then he pulls up a thing that it says it said, I don't know which one you're actually have. So it said like 25 grams per serving or something like that. So he was like he came over. He was like, this is how much sugar that is. And I was like, oh, give it to Burt. This isn't bad.
Yeah, well, seems like some some fell out on the ground like actually a lot. Oh yeah. Yeah.
That does seem like a lot of sugar just to be going like.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So he gets fired from Viacom, right. Yeah. Which is basically I think he just as wildling out with Viacom.
I don't know, he has a lot of things going on, but you know, he's probably going to get fired from the mask. And I'll tell you this much. He does. Viacom owned Fox. No, CBS, Disney. Viacom owns the CBS. Yeah. So he's going to get fired from his he's going to have to make like a legit apology, but he will not.
Yeah, he made statements that he was just like, uh, like, see, I'm an advocate for people to be heard and about anti-racism, blah, blah, blah. Uh, when you look at the media, other sectors of our nation's history, uh, African-Americans, the people that we have partnered to create one of the best.
Why do black people hate Jewish people that much? Like it seems like a lot of people a lot of it's coming up on when when you're going on.
Think he's parroting, um, why does anyone fucking hate anyone?
There's no good question. It's so silly that, like, he's parroting a lot of Farrakhan stuff.
I think everyone's quoting Farrakhan these days. Yeah. Everyone is quoting Farrakhan.
You might want to check those quotes before you repeat them, because, again, he said, I mean, he's a really eloquent and elegant public speaker, you know, and like he can he can or like seduce anybody with like he's an amazing speaker.
But he will also drop things in that you might not fully understand until you study it. You know, like he can he can talk circles around anyone.
If Louis Farrakhan wanted to be on TV one cable, would you let him?
I'd be like, I don't think we should. And then, like, he got on the phone, I be like, I'll see you at like like, yeah, he's like that type of speaker.
But what's interesting is, like, I went on Twitter last night and a lot of people, a lot of people had Nick Cannon's back and we're like, yeah, he's just speaking the truth.
Oh. Like in a normal abnormal amount of people. And I was like, well, but then but then you get like legit levelheaded people going, like, Hey, guys.
I don't know if I can say qualify that what he said is he didn't I mean, it's racist statements, but he doesn't sound like a racist. That makes sense.
Yeah, but I think what's happening and this happens just in life, in conversations, it's like part of your statement might be worth while and not.
Offensive or not untrue, and then like the next part of what you say becomes the problem, you know, I mean, yeah, so it's like you go that that thing you said was horrible. He's like all these points were legit. And you go, OK. Oh, yeah, yeah. Up until there. But then when you added this, it kind of takes everything away.
And I think that's kind of what happened there. Like this is why you shouldn't read books.
Tell me about tell me about that, because what happens is you read a book like I'm sure Nick Cannon did. He's got a Ph.D. at fuckin Howard. He does. He's going for I did a lot of research on the cannon last night over his PhD. He's going for it, Howard. He went to Howard. He was you know, we were in a deal with Will Smith. At the same time, I feel like tethered Nick Cannon in a weird way, because we were in a deal at Overbrook at the exact same time he was developing a sitcom for Nick.
You guys were kind of in an entanglement together.
We were a little I do not get me started. I'm so fucking angry at that fucking red table. I do not like the way they did. Well, that's bullshit. That was uncomfortable. It was uncomfortable.
And it's fucking taking down. I it said it all fucking man.
But like the I love that he actually which was like I found myself in this entanglement and he was feeling like entanglement.
Yeah. Like relationship. And she was like yeah. How are you going to say. It's like wait minute, no one uses the word entanglement. Yeah.
Like what are you talking about. I hate, I hate when people soften language to diminish their accountability, you know. I mean. Yeah, like I went into this, uh bar and I got into a bit of a uh I got into a disagreement like what happened? Oh, I broke this guy's jaw. And you're like, what? You mean you punch someone? Yeah. Yeah. Why do you say disagreement? So that I could diminish my accountability as to what I did.
And that's exactly what she's doing.
I bother watching that. I was like I was like, why? As is this is my perspective as his life partner, that Jada is and they have a business together.
I thought you were about to say that you were his life partner. No. I really did. I thought you meant that as a life partner. As his life partner. Is you to suggest that she is, huh? And they have a team together? Yeah. It's an interesting world they built. You could never flip that, you could never have him take her down the way she took him down, she took him down like she she made him bended the knee and go in front of everybody.
And then and then, by the way, he's a he's a movie star. All anyone's going to see everything O'Donnell said. You don't ever want to be a meme. All anyone sees now is that they don't remember face that face and remember the fresh prince of Bel Air, the fuckin like Fresh Prince, all his fucking movies, Independence Day, fucking Happiness or whatever the other one was.
All this is a fucking face. How the fuck you're taking him down and why?
We talked about, like, why? Why would you feel the need to broadcast that as opposed to just being like, hey, we don't have to fuck and we don't have to tell everyone everything now why? I don't I don't understand.
You know, Katie, my theory on why it goes back to what do you remember when the celebrities did? Like, I hold myself accountable and fucking, uh, what what was their thing?
I take responsibility.
And Jesse was Jesse from fucking Breaking Bad was like I ran that thing like we were like, okay, so wait, can you play it?
I want to 06. So I'm not that guy. He's such a cool dude. He's so that hard.
Aaron, Paul, Paul. I really wanna go with him. Yeah.
So I take responsibility. Oh yeah. He'd, I wish I could get there.
See that's what it was, it was when I, when I said Tom when I said I love me when I'm drunk.
Yeah. It's because I go there. That place is super sincere and it's but it's like it's so mockable. Yeah. Like it's so like. I was I was explaining to someone I'm working on a project and I was explaining to someone like, are you being serious? And I go, Yeah. And they're like, oh, hold on, hold on. When I'm serious is funnier than what I'm trying to be funny. Like when I'm serious. Yeah, it is.
So you can make fun of it so quickly. Yes it is. It is as enjoyable, if not more enjoyable than what I'm trying to be funny. I totally agree. And so when I get drunk I go there.
So when I go fucking 72 dolphins, if you had been in the room with me, you would have been crying like I, I would have because it's that there needs to be a name for that when you go for like four fucking. Yeah.
Go. I just want to see him shout out to Aaron Paul by the way, let's do this on my headsets on.
I just want to hear this is is I know that people have already. Take responsibility. And by the way, that's Paulson, that lady, yeah, Paul, Sarah Paulson, Sarah Paulson, she a senator or something.
She's an actress. And what she's been in a bunch of things. Never, ever. American Horror Story. She's really ever heard, never even never heard of American Horror Story.
OK. Responsibility. I take responsibility. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, his gets more intense. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go to his his gets way more. We can we talk about civility.
Oh, it's been the take responsibility. Who are these fucking people. They're all at the moment for every time it was either her or shout out a hit on hit pause a shout out to DAX Shepard. I think I shit on him. One time someone texted me and I was like, I like Duck Shepard, that shit.
I don't want to. I don't know. But this is like that sincere thing you're talking about that it's even funnier. Hey, I want to say this to Jack Shepard.
I'm going to fucking go for Palsson, OK? Do it. If I can't, I can't.
I just go back to the fucking video.
For what it was every not so funny, because this is an actor who and what unfair stereotype, you know, every blatant injustice because what are you talking about?
Every one of these fucking people. That was Debra Messing, Debra Messing, Will and Grace right to do Duplass brother, who is a Duplass brother, Mark Duplass. Oh, I know who that is, but I don't know.
I know he is. He's friends with Steve Renesys. Yeah. He's a really talented guy. Is he. Yes, I'm all right.
Hang on, hang on, hang on. You said that like you're a big fan of his. What's he done? The Duplass brothers have are they're also like writers, like they're creators too. So they edited The Matrix.
They know, but they're directors, writers.
Anything we've seen. Is it better than Palm Springs? Shut out to Andy Samberg.
Palm Springs is fucking awesome. What's that? Oh, my God. Palm Springs is fucking awesome town. You know, Andy Sandberg's new movie, Palm Springs. Where is it is so fucking good. You've got to watch it. It's on Hulu. It is, Tom. It's what kind of movie is it?
Time travel, comedy, comedy, time travel, dark comedy, time travel, dark comedy are like ridiculous, over-the-top dark comedy. Yeah, dark comedy. I watch it with the girls. The first opening scene is like jerking off in front of my daughters like dad, don't close your eyes, close your eyes. And that's the only dirty part.
I love that. Do you want to know what my fucking four year olds into right now? What he's. Leave that up, by the way. I want to go back to that.
He is into fucking wildlife like kills. So he's like, I want to see a snake eat a rabbit. And I'm like, OK. And then I'll start to play. I'm like, I'm like, this is pretty intense, man. And you're for he's like, I like it. And I go, You like watching this rabbit get strangled to death by a snake and then eat. And he's like, yeah. And then I press play and I'm like, I'm kind of hesitating.
And it's like he's like, show me a snake eating a pig.
And I'm like, and then I started to play that.
I go, Dude, look at that thing. He goes, Yeah, hey, when's preschool start?
I'm like, holy shit man. I know this isn't scary me. He goes, No, I like it. So we just sit there and watch snakes I can eat and things, man.
It's really kind of makes me uncomfortable.
That's fucking you me to get him a snake. No, I know what I'm getting him for his birthday.
All right, look, there are so many reasons why we need to lead healthier lifestyles doing things with our core needs. It looks like the number one need for a performing person continues to be replenishing yourself with electrolytes.
Like I know you need them after those runs, you go on there for when you sweat, you work out keto flu, which is a very common need. People associate it with an electrolyte deficiency, electrolytes with fasting. A lot of people are in the intermittent fasting. This is this is the thing you need. And the thing is that you can't get it from sugar, artificial ingredients. It's unhealthy and unneeded. And there is none in element. It's for low carb fasting.
Electrolytes are like key for those headaches was cramping.
Rob Wolfe, the founder, a biochemist New York Times best selling author, has developed this product. And there's a lot of great endorsers behind it. Special Forces, U.S. Special Forces are using it like Navy SEALs, sniper teams, U.S. Olympics, NFL teams use that. We can't disclose whom NBA teams, a lot of people are using it and having fantastic results. There is a totally risk free refund, no questions asked if you want to try it out.
This episode brought to you by drink element, which is our go to electrolyte drink because it has no sugar, no artificial ingredients. It makes a kickass zero sugar marguerita get the element variety pack to sample all their flavors. Go to drink element dotcom eggbeaters to check it out. That's drink element dotcom bears. Check it out but you might want to try.
I want to try it so bad. I want it, I need to be hydrated today. OK. OK, look at the way Aaron's looking at us. Right. Sorry.
I feel like he's chastising me for letting my son watch those videos. Oh who's the killer.
Cops must be prosecuted. They are murderers. We can turn the tide. It is time to take responsibility. Call out hate. Step up. And take action. Right. Is he talking about Nick Cannon, we need to stamp out hate and take action. I think you might be right. Oh, that is I can't believe those people are famous. I've never seen any of them. This goes I've never seen any of them. This goes to my point.
He's had I'm not shit on Aaron, Paul. I got I'm going to forget he's been on one TV show. Right. Breaking Bad, Breaking Bad, I mean, I'm sure it's been done more than that, but that's the most famous. OK, so like, what's the threshold for fucking fame these days? I got to be more famous than fucking 80 percent of those people in there.
Pull them up. I guarantee you I am. I guarantee you I am more famous. I guarantee you. I bet a more famous than Irymple.
Now, let's see. OK, let's go to Google Trends, Google Trends. See if I'm more famous than Aaron Paul. OK, what do you think? Do you think Aaron Paul is not right now. Not in history.
Oh, right now. Right now. Type Emberg. Krischer Bertka. Yes. Our American comedian. American standup comedian. OK, that's this year Tiepin. Go, go, go, go. The past 12 months to the left. Go to total. Twenty four to present. OK, now type in Aaron Paul, I want to wish the OK one, wait for this. I don't like it, oh, my God, he fucking destroys me, I don't even I'm not even a blip on his radar.
It's all red on that map.
But if but if you zoom in on the current, like. Exactly. Right now.
Right now, I'm. Right now, I'm more famous than he is right now, I am, yeah, but he destroys me all time because he's on. The biggest fucking showboat was a big break from a never watched Breaking Bad. You never seen it? No type in. Type it. Let's go. Name other. What's the other lady's name? That stereotype. And Sarah Paulson. I fucking destroy her. OK, celebrity golf match. You do this on your own all the time.
I do this a lot. Destroy Sarah Paulson, type in Duplass brothers, type in Duplass, yeah, type in Duplass Dubost. Yeah.
Mark or David whatever. Which one. Mark Duplass, destroy Mark Duplass. I mean, I fucking I am beating his dick in the dirt right now. OK. OK Jane. Whatever. What are the other names. Debra Messing. A messenger. Mark Debra Messing.
I'm not going to be Debra Messing Will. And Grace is so fucking big there's no way I'm even holding a candle. Debra Messing.
Let's see. Destroy Debra Messing. I deleted their leader, the misspelling. That's her. When it's this year. That's that the peak. That's September twenty nineteen. Oh, wow. She had a big well that's when the show came back. Yeah. And she probably got in trouble for saying something.
But Jesus, look at Aaron Paul and Breaking Bad was on the way. By the way, Spike, is that really big?
Yeah. Holy shit, dude.
I've been Chris D'Elia. This is going to be fucking massive, you want to see what fame is, not fame, but, um. Yeah. Now, this is a difference between. That's counterculture, holy shit, look at that tiepin you wanted to you want to see, like, fuck, I know, go.
Can you change the, um, the period like you make it a shorter period. And that's Chris, yeah, fuckin a man. Look at the purples, all the states that are doing him. But you know what I got? I got Chris in North Dakota.
Idaho is that. Oh, yeah. Looks like North Dakota. Maybe you're right here.
I know. It's that whoever is Red Aaron Paul has got Idaho and he's just like crazy.
That is crazy, man. Is there an actual number that you associate that spike with? Like, is there an actual number that you see or. No, no, no.
It's it's crazy because like I guarantee you type in the cannon. I guarantee you, he's probably he's probably as high, if not higher than Delio right now because of cancer culture. The. We know which ones Nick is green, but that's what did he do then? What's crazy is you can go look at that date and then go put it in Google and it'll tell you what happens around that time. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Nick Cannon's fucking.
Just going to go higher. He's really. By the way, hang on this what's not depressing? Whatever whatever side you're on don't really care about the sides right now. But, like, what sucks is, like, Nick Cannon was doing good fucking work.
Those are all without controversy. That's just him working and creating. And then controversy comes and it's going to be just an uphill battle now.
I got to tell you my theory, though. Let me hear it.
So the theory was was proposed when that video when the actors did that. I take responsibility. Yeah. What are they doing?
And I think it might have been Joe that said it might have been Joe that said they're not working. So the like it's like a it's like a variation like, you know, there is a sincerity to it, but it's still like I haven't done anything. I'm not acting anymore.
Right. Like you're done. I think that that. Holds true to why, if you are Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith and you go like, hey, do we want to talk about this? And publicly and you're not doing anything, like you're not acting, you're not producing, you're not making a project and you haven't been you haven't been.
March, April, May, June, also July comes around like, hey, do you want to talk about that thing?
And like and it's like you mean it's like if they had if she was like on a show that was here right now, he was wrapping up a movie about to do a press or he's like, let's go on red table talk and talk about that.
Not a fucking chance. So it's that there's nothing going on. And you're like, you know what? And then in six months when they go, why did we do that? They're going to have to be like because we were essentially we were bored. So we decided to air like our personal shit. I think it's crazy.
Well, it's this. You know why I've always said I look at like celebrities that tweet virtue signalling stuff and get the likes in the tweets. It's I don't know.
I mean, I guess it's ah, it's what they believe or whatever, but people that tweet out like in the moment stuff and I go, it's just they just don't have any content to create. They don't even know how to make them. Yeah. Yeah.
And so they know that this is a way to stay relevant and in the eye and be like a lot of people just want to be famous.
The only the only thing that I would say, though, to to speak to that is that you can feel a way about a topic sincerely. Yeah. And then people just go, oh, you're virtuously like, well, what what if it's something you actually do care about?
It's like when people go like like when people just tweet out. Is anyone going to acknowledge that we have an absolute lunatic running this country on a Tuesday and you're like, we yeah, we're all in the same boat, we know what you're thinking. Yeah, but you're saying this in a way where you're like you just want the likes and I get it. Yeah, but you want the acknowledgement and they don't know how to make contact. Right. And that's what they're not.
I'm not. But like. I'm not shitting on any of these people when I'm joking, when I go to bed, I'm more famous than Debra Messing or whatever, but like Debra Messing is really one of those people that tweets every day politics.
Yeah, there's some people that thought that's their lane there. Like I'm using my platform to.
Oh, someone said someone said I heard someone say, oh, I wish I could credit.
I'm going to do that, say this and then someone's going to go. I said, please give me credit that this is what happens when women age out of Hollywood is they just start getting political. Oh yeah. Is that they're like I'm no longer they're not Googling me for me in a bikini anymore. Yeah. They're now they want to I need to Google me. I fuck her. I'm sure I heard it on a podcast. Yeah.
But it's an interesting theory. But I always look at like why not just make make something like make content like do a podcast is great, but like, you know, the M did a podcast with George and I love it. She's, she's like, you really need to listen to it. Your daughters are really unhappy with you. And I'm like, why would you put that on the podcast. She's like, oh no. I just think it's an interesting conversation we had.
And I was like, I don't why are you telling everyone that?
They're like, well, the fact that you're always in Speedos, the girls hate it. I'm like, hey, don't put that out there. Like, I'm not going to wear and Speedos. And now if I'm in a Speedo and I put it on fucking line, everyone has his back story of how that makes the girls feel upset. And they're like, well, it's like the picture of you naked that you have in your man cave. The girls hate that picture.
And I was like, it's in my fucking met.
Like, you're the eccentric dad. Yeah. I go, I'm sorry, I'm broken.
I'm not like the perfect Yeah. Dad, but like and they're like and they were like, you know, on the ride here we're talking about.
Fucking cars, so I said, you know, we got the one car that we have now and and I'll just say it's a BMW, it's a nice, nice car, but it's not like the most expensive BMW you can get. But it's an expensive BMW, in my opinion. Yes. Yeah. And so I said, Lee-Anne wants a new car and and this lease is coming up. And I said, they say she was we're getting a good deal on this BMW.
And I said, why don't we just buy it outright? Because we know it's a good car. We barely drove it and we're going to get a good deal on it because of what's going on with the pandemic. They said they'll give us a good deal. Let's just get the BMW. And I said, well, let's just give that to Georgia. And she goes, Georgia doesn't want that car. And I was like, I don't give a fuck what she wants.
It's a great fucking car. She goes, No, Georgia doesn't want to look like a rich kid. I go, She's not a rich kid. She goes, No. If she drives a car, then she's a spoiled rich kid.
She doesn't want to look like that. I was like I wanted to look like that. My whole fucking life is like I always wanted to look like I in a money growing up. Yeah, we could have things, but we couldn't I didn't get like the car I wanted. I got a car that drove and I would look at the kids who got all the nice shit and be like, God, I would love to be that kid.
I kind of get it, though, because I do remember going to school and and you would there was like a handful of kids that got like, you know, not exotics, but like luxury cars. And you're like, why? Right.
Because they're like 16 and they're in these like eighty thousand. And you're like, that's insane.
I mean, I'm saying I, I understand that both respect is one that you would be like it's the car that I'm giving you and you're driving it. I totally get that.
So you want me to go out and buy a new car. So exposer as opposed to the car you have, you want me to go out and buy and then and then I'm like, initially I want to do car. We have this car, we're going to buy this car. We have the other car that we own and then I'm going to go and some as opposed to being it just none of it made fucking sense.
And we talk about on the podcast, I go, don't that's like like don't what podcast is she talking about? Fucking first wife for the party.
And I'm like part of me is like I haven't listened to it, so I'm sure I'm making it worse than it is.
It makes me want to listen to it.
Oh, and but I'm like I'm like and you know, the girls in that format, when they're a microphone in front of you, they may be speaking in hyperbole just to to make their dad like their dad.
And she's like, you know, I at one time said that she doesn't like that she doesn't like me being famous or not famous, but known. Yeah. Because it makes her uncomfortable that people know who she is, that she doesn't know them. She goes, it always feels like people are coming at me from a weird angle because but it's a valid visa, valid feeling.
And I was like, yeah, keep your mouth shut because it pays the bills until you you're going to be in so much therapy.
I know I'm fucking you. I'm such a bad parent. Like I look at you and Bill and Joe where you guys had it. So you guys are so lucky because you're doing it when you want to do it. Like not say I didn't want to be a dad, but I wanted a career more like I like I couldn't I couldn't just sit like when they were first time and you're playing and they're throwing rocks in the back and being patient.
Yeah. I would never have been patient.
I would have been like, hey, fucking stop. Like I said, I do that too.
I mean, everybody has their breaking points and I couldn't enjoy sitting with the girl.
I've got a shit. I almost shit my pants right there. I couldn't enjoy sitting with the girls on like a Tuesday afternoon and reading a book. And we're going to the park because I felt like I wasn't working. Yeah. All I could see was the glaring truth that I was not working and I was not providing for this family. And I totally understand that because we had. Conversations about kids, you know, all in that time, yeah, and we were just like, how could we do it though?
We can't do it, you know, because we couldn't afford to do it. Yeah. And we just did it when we couldn't afford to do it. And I know I remember hearing Adam Carolla one time say it's irresponsible to have children if you live in apartment. And I was living in an apartment at the time.
Well, and I was like I was like, that's not true, though. He it's not irresponsible. That's what he said. By the way, I'm not shitting on. I'm probably you know, I know.
I think like without getting the explanation from him, I think, like, he's meaning it in a certain way. And you should be able to afford a child if you have a child. Yeah. That's kind of he's using that. We did not. Yeah. We did not we could not afford a child. We had a child. We had a child. And then we were like another one and then we had another one and I was like, we'll figure this out.
Yeah. And so and I think most but here's the thing like that it worked out.
Men like you got two great girls in your your careers on fire. It's like, no, it all worked out. It worked out. But it's like at the expense of what? Of like these kids that are like like I guess Leeann said at one point, you know, because I remember I remember going to school with the girls and seeing successful dads. Yeah. The same way when I was a kid and I saw kids with nice cars pull up and I was like, I want to be a nice guy.
Yeah. I remember seeing famous dads at school and being like, that's got to be fucking nice.
You got all you got money, you got tons of money. People respect you. Yeah. Like I would tell people. I mean, I remember we went to school, Fred Savage and Fred Savage walked in. Fred Savage was I can't say is but at the time was an amazing fucking dad because he he didn't have any other cares in the world.
He's a no fucking cares. He would just sit and he'd be in in the moment and involved he play with other kids like you, play with fucking kids. He'd be down on his knees like at this preschool playing with kids. There were so many famous parents at the school, Nia Vardalos in Gomez, his or her husband. He's in like Wildcats or whatever. Yeah. Foxes or Cougar Town.
Jay Chandrasekhar, by the way, I find it somewhat ironic that you dismissed the video with people and you're like, I've never heard of them. They're not famous.
And now you're listing people who I feel the same way about Fred Savage. I was so shitty about it. You were like upset that they were famous. I was like, not upset, but I was just like, by the way, I'm being very honest right now. So if you're any of these people that we were friends, were friends with me, and I wasn't like I was just like I was like jealous that like they could that people looked at them and were like, we're like, you're a success and you're success.
And then they would look at me and go, So you're still going for it, huh? Yeah, I'm I'm doing good. And I like those things. Never.
I've probably told it you're out. There's some things you'll never forget. You never forget. Like like I remember. Never forget. I was in New York opening at a club and someone I went to college with brought their husband and I, I was featuring.
Yeah. And they, you know, it was a great show as the thing is like it's a great show. It's like one of those nights where you like killed me, you know, you're doing twenty, but like you kill and we're talking afterwards, blah, blah, blah. And the husband who I don't know, was like he didn't like. So how long are you going to keep doing this? And I go, what he's like, what, how long are you going to keep doing this.
What do you mean. And he's like, I mean, you know, like this was great.
But it's like. Kind of isn't it time to shift gears and like shift gears like, oh, what are you talking about, man?
Those those are I don't think people understand how searing those are those moments. Because you are. Yeah. You're just like you're in a great mood. I remember being at that school and and Fred Savage, the all the famous parents were there.
You told me I'm cutting you off. You told me about one time after a show, friends were there, like, I don't know if it was in Tampa or something. Yeah. And one of the guys was like. How much money you make if he took your check and he's like, I bet he's like there were so many people there, but you got, like, fuckin paid. Yeah.
And you're like, oh, because no one understands that. Like, the when you're starting out, they see the full house and they go, oh, you did this. And you're like, oh, I didn't do this. They did. It's kind of complicated man. Yeah. They and then they're going to pay me like they did this, like they're not going to pay a lot. Those things stick with you.
We were when I remember I was on Comedy Central doing that reality show, Reality Bites Back. Yeah. And we were the school was called the Sunshine Shack. And that's where all these famous parents went to hide their kids, all the kids who graduated. I'm not blowing up the school. It's a good fucking school if it's still around.
But. And Fred Savage was it was like a fuckin who's the guy who played Steve Prefontaine? He went to Billy Crudup, went there. Billy Crudup girlfriend or wife who's in weeds. That lady I forget her name. She was like all these fucking famous parents were there and were there, you know. And I remember Fred Savage is on the ground playing with kids and they're like, he is so amazing, all these moms. He's so amazing. And I was like, he really is like I mean, to be like like you look at like him and Billy, they're so involved as dads.
And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And by the way, this is the school that I brought the fucking beer to. I thought it was a Diet Coke. This is legit at school. Right? And so I go, I go.
I'm such a fuck up and they're like, they're like, yeah, you want to be like actor or something. Riperton I was like, well, I don't yeah, I'm a comedian. They're like, no, but like, you want to be like them, right? I was like, that's not. Yeah, that is real. But you're the way you're saying it's hurting my feelings. Yeah. Yeah. And and then I lashed out and I go and I go.
It's really amazing that Fred Savage is a good dad and they're like, what do you mean like well considering who his dad is and then like, who's this like, oh Randy the macho man savage. They were like, well I go, Yes, Mom was Miss Elizabeth and his dad's really macho man.
So you didn't know that. That seems like a celebrity kid. That's his dad. That's the way we got in the business.
And they're like, whoa, that's pretty intense, bro.
And then it got back to Fred Savage. And LeAnn pulled me aside like, what the fuck did you say about that? Say something to you.
I never spoke to him, but I remember you want to know something fucking crazy.
They someone took a picture of Billy Crudup and his wife at the time.
I don't I don't know who he was dating.
He was like dating someone who was the nicest fucking guy in the world. Yeah, the legit nicest the nicest guy in the world. But he was like in this entanglement at the time and someone at the party, someone at our end of your party took a picture of him at our little thing and then sold it to TMZ. And they fucking came to me and they were like, did you take a picture of Billy caught up and sell it?
And by the way, I had a great camera at the time, but I'm a dad. I had a great fucking camera. They're also like, you're struggling to do it. And I remember being like and you're like, God damn, no.
And I was like, I guess I can't bring my camera out anymore because, like, yeah, everyone. And then I was like, I and then I have that problem where if you accuse me of something, I start behaving guilty. Yeah.
And so and so then I couldn't be even talked to Billy Crudup anymore.
I was like I was like, hey man, no pictures. Right. You know what I mean. And he was like, huh, fucking all right.
You're just lucky to be a dad now. Yeah. I mean, I don't know, I love it but yeah, I wanted to get started earlier.
I did. You really? Yeah, I did.
I wonder if there's dads watching this that I identify with what I'm saying or if I'm like they're just there's dads identifying with with both of us for sure.
My second family I'll do right with. Yeah. Yeah. He's got to get your wife a fast car and just tell her like it hits to ten, see if you can do it liquored up. Yeah. Yeah. Look. Try it backwards, you can do it backwards on the freeway. How the fuck I want to drink? What are you going to get? What are you going to Georgia? Let me do all the car shopping with you.
She wants a fucking wish. You want a fucking minivan?
She wants a minivan. She wants a Honda Odyssey minivan or a pickup truck, just a beat her dad, I want to beat her. I don't want anyone to think I'm like, baby, I'm not going to get you a piece of shit car because I want you to be safe. We live in Los Angeles. If your car breaks down, there are gang bangers. There's like this is not a safe fucking city. When you get your car, I want you to get to where you're going.
I want to get you a new car. And she was like, I don't want a new car. I don't want a new car that I'm not a new car kid. I'm like, the fuck you are just going to keep the BMW. Yeah, I guess we're going to fucking five cars because we don't want to look rich.
We're going to find mediocre fucking car because no one wants to be fucking pretentious in my family. God, we're different. I dude, I am so frustrated with this.
I'm like I'm always Christine is like, can you stop with the car.
Like yeah it's fine. Oh can I tell you, I was talking to someone the other day and they're like, you know, and I'm like, you know, I feel like if we park against that wall I could get another one in here.
You know, someone's talking to someone. They're like, you know, you really you're really fucked up.
Your branding I what you mean. And they're like, well, you're branding like you should have done with Tom's doing. And I was like, what, you mean like well Tom's known is like the car guy, like he loves cars. So then he gets great cars like that's great.
And then like, what do you get, hot sauces and beer. I want, you know, what the fuck are you. My branding is fucking flip flops. Speedo's hot sauce. Is it alcohol.
It's all it's you are so I am totally silly who you are. I want to get drunk so bad. OK, let's start, let's start on.
Listen, we've got to tell this real quick. You had like I didn't even pay attention to it on a previous episode. Like you just were like, oh, it's so good to be back. Sucks that it's ending soon though. And it was like it was so quick and people thought that you were saying that to Bears is ending. Yeah, I don't remember doing that. Yeah.
So that happens a lot when you're friends with him. Yeah.
And it's not ending so I don't know why he said I don't know why he says a lot of the things that he says, but the podcast is continuing.
I don't have no recollection. I saw the yellow in the Senate last night. I was like, well, you said it's ending. Yeah. I don't know. And then like Bertoia's, I mean, it's not ending.
Yeah, it definitely was checked and it was definitely you, but yeah. It's not ending. Yeah, it's not ending. I never told you about Christian Akoya story. Can we save it for the next one. Yeah, of course. It's a cliffhanger. Cliffhanger. All right.
Hey check out my vlog. I posted, I'm posting blogs of the tour. I just did just and so it's on my YouTube channel. Subscribe to our YouTube channel if you can. Just so it's where Birkerts goes and and this blog and more content. Definitely.
Um, I'm my branding is cars have been doing car videos. They're on my YouTube channel. Also update everybody loved the Kool-Aid and so much sugar, they both sold out immediately. So we we restock them. I mean, that one Dixon shirt, the Dixon shirt is a limited edition run. It's not going to there is not going to be any more of those, if you like the button down one, the hats that we've been asked about over and over, we restock the think boy one sold out.
We restocked. That's, uh, the new era. One, I'm still told is August. I'm going to get an update now on like a date.
I get hit up.
Everyone hits me up on the fact that there's this place that that houses the stuff. They go, hey, man, could you keep us up to date on the production?
Because that's all people ask us. So, yeah. Thank you guys very much for supporting that stuff. And we'll see you next week. All right.
All right, Bert. Tom one gobstoppers while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in bird snowmachine, there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call there's. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy hangover, no apologies. Here's what I recall. So there's one case.