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Just put the pedal to the metal. This is a perfect way to start off the show. About 12 years in the making. Is going to be a fucking shit show that everyone's going to get a hundred percent. Everyone does. Yes.
They might be wrong. I know. Like everyone. And you're the first person to correct me.
I'm fucking I'm 42 and your birthday's coming up not that long from now. November.
Yeah, you'll be 40. Can I want to surprise. I want to be surprise. Party unity. Forty eight. Yes, I don't want to be you don't want to be on the Internet 50 in August. So you're only two years apart. Yeah, you don't have it is fucking a 50 year old how you have it factor yet? I know, but I feel like I'm already there. She just is so, like, married in her ways of how it should go.
How should it go?
Just like. You know, we had that Congress do we have a conversation about sucking Dick? Yeah, yeah. Because you you if I if I may quote you, you said now that woman knows how to suck it, Dick. Yeah. Yeah.
I think your mother quote was the metoo movement really fucked up blowjobs. Yeah. The but she we talked about blows. I said I bracer I was like, hey, just you know, you know, I kind of looked you up about dick sucking. She was like, I don't care. And then I, I she she said, this is such a good workaround. She's like, your dick is too big.
And I was like, okay, she's like, it hurts my jaw to do it that long. And I was like, what have you used it a little bit? She goes, I can do it for a little bit. I was like, Yeah, do a little bit and then get me ready and then let's have sex. So that's a new thing. Yeah. So it worked out. This podcast is Saving Lives, Saving Marriages do. That's a fucking home.
So fuck. Yeah, I love a little bit of a blowjob. I'll tell you what. My dream when I was a kid, when I was in college, I would tell my girlfriend at the time I was like, just wake me up sucking my dick.
Yeah. Like, just wake.
It's a nice thing to say. And you did it one time.
And I was like, I like started hitting on the head was my roommate. I was like, get the fuck out of here. You didn't like to scare the fuck out of me to get your dick sucked while your sleep is a terrifying feeling. I thought it would be like, great.
I thought you'd be like, look at your dick while you're sleeping. I had to wake up, wake up, wake up blowjob. Like, were you asleep? I was. This is why we should be boyfriend. Boyfriend. Do you know how much fun we can have with just sex stuff? Like, if we were gay, it would be a fucking blast if we were gay, like if we were into it. That's true. That's true.
It would be so much fucking you know, I was a kid because I would come on you and in you all the time, because you know how much fun it would be to just come with each other when we were least expecting you. I mean, what the fuck, dude?
I thought we were watching Lost.
Someone's taking a shower. I'll put it on your head.
And here's your Rogaine. You smoke smeared on your head, brushing your teeth like your toothpaste.
You can't move the toothpaste, didn't you?
It's it's been sitting with me. How much? You said you don't want to get Kamden, though?
I think about that a lot. You know, why do you think about it a lot? Off a bathtub.
And then it like then you get out of the bathtub. Then it's like in your hair. Yes. And it's and you don't realize it.
And then someone's like, you mousse on your leg and you're like, oh, it just dried on you. But like in your astaire's. But what about in your asshole feeling the pump in your asshole.
So I had a girlfriend in college one time that we had sex and then she went to class.
I said, how was class? And she was always great until you started falling out of me in class. I went, What?
I didn't know that that happens. That like, yeah, I thought it when once it went up there, it calculated and then held right now.
Drips out. Drips out. Yeah. It's fucking gross.
Yes. It's kind of neat. It's nasty. Yeah. But imagine if it was dripping out of your asshole. I would love to do a deep.
Can I tell you what I want. I want it. I want my own segment.
Your mom's house exclusive. Yeah. About women talking about getting Kamden. Like celebrities like Amy Schumer, the first time she got came in, the worst time she got came down. Like how many times she could if you had to guess how many times you got came down, the awkward it's all about getting Kamden. I'm I'm saying these words are wrong, but that's the fun of the podcast. Yeah. And it's called. It's and it's called. Come talk to me with her.
You know, it's going to make you really turned on, though, is going to be you'll be like you'll talk to a couple who will be like, yeah, you know, it feels weird. And then that first girl that sits there and tells you like it's my favorite feeling in the world when I feel hot. And then you're going to be like, oh, you know who we should call Nikki Glaser.
I bet she'd do it. Let's can we bounce the idea of a celebrity partner broadcaster? Sure. Let's call Nikki Glaser and see, um, if, by the way, air fresheners are like, what the fuck am I turned on the pill?
I'm such a fucking designer. You make a little money off Murgia like, fuck it, let's double down.
Nikki Glaser hanging out with her parents in.
St. Louis in St. Louis. Yeah, yeah, her sister's really attractive. I saw they went they went kayaking, hey, Nikki, what's up? I want to where I'm doing a podcast. I'm doing a podcast with Tom Sagara, OK?
Holy shit. I was going to say I know exactly what you're going to say. Oh, I love you.
OK, so OK.
You're my only friend I can run this by. That would give me an honest answer. So you know how you know how there's a show. Hot ones. Yes. OK, I want to do my own kind of talk show. It's all with women, very progressive. It's all I have is women guests.
OK, it's just like the view I've always pictured. You like producing a view type show. OK, here's the pitch.
The name of the show is Come Talk with Me. And it's and I have a fear of getting Kamden.
So it's all about come stories. But from a woman's perspective.
Yes, yes, please. Please.
OK, that's all. OK, when when this quarantine locks down and we can do one. You're my first guest.
I can't wait. God, I want to make so many jokes, but I'm sitting at the breakfast table with my dad. Put your dad on. Put your dad on. Can I listen to your dad's voice real quick? Have you heard her dad's voice? No, Dad, tell me this doesn't sound like a deejay called me from his podcast.
He wants to hear your voice. Claire, where are you? Are you hiding his or. Dad's got a good voice.
Hey, how are you doing? Well, I know, right?
Yeah. Nice to meet you, Mr. Glaser. I've been listening to you on Nikias stories, and I love your voice.
Oh, thank you. It's nice to hear. Are you a professional voiceover artist? Yeah. Yeah. What do you do for a living that you you talk like that?
Oh, I. Well, right now I used to be in marketing for a cable company, but now I play music. Really. So yeah. And I play, I'm playing a gig today for a bunch of retired people. I'm going to stroll under the window outside and serenade them at a nursing home that he's going to come. And then she alerted the local media. So the local media showing up. So I'm going to be a media darling.
Oh, hell, yeah. Well, I want to tell you, you did a great job raising Nikki. She's an absolute dream person. I love her to death. And and your voice is even better.
And as a father of two daughters who's I'm in the middle of the struggle right now, I just want to say hats off to you.
Thank you. Nikki tells me you're a fantastic father. So that's that's a good accolade coming from you.
I'd rather her say I was a great comic, but OK, I'm looking forward to the show she did with you, with everybody looking forward to the show you guys are putting together, too. I'm looking forward to the show. Say I'm looking forward to the show you guys are putting together, too.
You know, I feel like a bad dad.
All right, Nikki. I love her. Thank you very much. Mr. Glazer was good talking to you. You guys have a great day.
Good luck coming soon. Come talk with me with Bert Krischer.
Come talk with me and Summarizer. That's come talk. So how would you like me?
How would you start the show? Like, what would you do to introduce the idea? Like first guys to Niki's in front of you. Hey, you know, the niceties are out of the way and then you're like, so what is the first time you had that?
That's it. I don't know. Let's let's work this out. I like this. And guys, hey, this is like a crowd produce show. So if you have great ideas, please send them away and we'll read them on the show and we'll figure this out.
You say did you say coagulated coagulated? Is that not the right word? No.
What's coagulated kilaguni coagulated calculated. There's no el coagulates coagulated.
Yeah, do. One time I came in a girl, I came in a girl. We had put a big couch and a love couch together.
OK, that was our move. She would sleep on the love seat. I would sleep on the big couch like it was. And we had sex when I was one of the I think it was one of the first times I legit came in somebody.
Claimed and it coagulated it like it like turned into like like. Like like like like milk that had rotted, just like I think about that.
Oh, my gosh, what was OK, first question, when was the first time you heard about come like, do you remember? I remember because every guy remembers the first time they came. It was terrifying.
Well, I just I started masturbating so young that, you know, how young were six.
What? Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah. I didn't know I was masturbating, you know, because I was having orgasms. But you don't ejaculate producing any. How are you having orgasms. Because I was like I, I don't know how I figured out like how to rub my dick and I was humping like mad and I would have full orgasm and just being like and then I remember sitting with one of my cousins being like, so do you do that thing, you know, like you pinch the foreskin and you twist it and then your body shakes and stuff.
And he's like, what? Like I was trying to explain what I do. And he was like, no, we were kids. We were like seven at that point, maybe eight, you know.
So I didn't know for like years, like a few years what I was doing. I just knew that, like, I did it in secret.
You know, first orgasm I had was in a friend's pool and I was using the the the hose gun.
Mm hmm. I don't know how it started, but, you know, how it ended. It was just like I was like, that feels good. Oh, hey. Oh, oh. And then it went. And I was like, oh, my God, I he just in the. No, no, no, I was probably I had to be over ten. I was I was probably ten.
Exactly. Maybe a little bit older, maybe 11. And I remember thinking I had figured out the key, the key to the earth, the key to life like this is what the point of life is, is these and I remember I got in the car with my dad and we were going to pick up my aunt at the airport.
And I was going to share I was going to be like a I figured out the fucking key to life. And I go, Dad, I want to tell you something, but I want to let you know.
And he goes, is this No. Other one? Do you do stupid fucking ideas? And I was like, you know what? You don't get the secret.
And I didn't share it with them because you know what your stupid fucking did. I must have been exhausting to be around as a kid.
I remember one time I was in the I was in the I was in and going to the airport to pick up my aunt again with my dad.
And I said I could imagine what he was like, really. I said, oh yeah. He's like, we're going to. And I said, watch this Dad. I'll take this piece of paper. I put it in my ear and it'll come out my mouth. And he was like, I want to see it. So real quick, I shove a piece of paper on my mouth. Right. I take the piece of paper, I put it in my ear, and then I pulled this out of my mouth and he goes, That's great, because there's a piece of paper in your ear.
And I said, No, there's not. And he goes, bullshit, he's driving on the interstate. I go, no, there's not. And he goes, Let me see your ear. And I go, OK. And I jam in my ear. Artist Buck and I go, look. And he goes, goddamn. And I can't see the piece of paper. What did you do with this paper? I go, nothing. And he goes, did you did you do it like sleight of hand.
I go, No, it's a magic trick.
So we're driving for another five minutes and I start trying to get it out. I can't get it out that he hears me crying to myself. Because it's in your ear, isn't it?
Oh yeah. That was the first time I came.
Was it on the road with your dad? No, no, no, no, no, no.
The story before the first time something came out was in my garage.
Who you gon know? And and I'll take a sip of Kool-Aid. Go ahead.
The Kool-Aid drinking Kool-Aid to start your day really with good, what kind of red Kool-Aid is fucking awesome?
It really is awesome. It's so good, take a little something for yourself is what is watered down, it's not too bad. You really ice cold as ice cold.
Yeah. But you are drinking Kool-Aid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's awesome. 64. Oh, boo, boo boo. So what should. So they good for the good of labor, oh, for. Oh, yeah. Oh, so much good as half a gallon of Kool-Aid.
You're like, oh, get my day started. Who's ready right now? Oh, I'm soaking fuckin wet.
Oh, oh, it's the hardest of everything you like. It's OK. It's pretty good. It's not that good, right? Good.
64 pounds ain't gonna take to every day. Oh. Oh, oh. Oh, I got to crying and sweating right now if I can throw up. Oh, you don't have like you don't realize how different you are until someone pointed out, oh, oh, my God, I did.
I need a fucking lay down here either. So watch out right now.
Oh, oh, oh, oh. I don't know what I'm going to be. As a mother, I don't mean the country funkadelic to claim, oh, oh, it's so cool. Oh you're crying.
Oh oh oh I'm soaking wet.
Giving them hydrated, it really is good. I cannot handle this.
So take me through your morning, just for people that don't know, it's 10:00 in the morning. So how does your day start? OK. I get up, I make a double iced coffee and I drink that, and then I ran for miles and then I make a big one of these.
I get in the pool, a shower in the pool, and then I sip this throughout the day and I try to have one or two more of these. The pink lemonade. Really? Oh. The worst is the island with the two of us fucking murder, these like to the point where when pandemics started, we had to get Lianne to go to the Dollar Tree to get more Kool aid because we were going through so much. Her legs were just home.
I didn't even know you were in the Kool-Aid. Oh, I love it. You've never mentioned Kool-Aid before. I drink Kool-Aid every day.
I love Kool-Aid. You drink Kool-Aid every day. Yeah, probably about 120 ounces.
You don't think that's adding calories, though? No, it's low calorie Kool-Aid. Yeah. No, mate, most doctors recommend it.
What's with the other beverages. What you said. Oh this is what I wanted to talk about. This is that so there's a guy here that works here.
His name's Chris. Yes. And how many calories are in Kool-Aid? Per serving a serving is, what, eight ounces, so about 100 calories. I get a low packet, low calorie Kool-Aid.
Oh, I'm fucking sweating. I need to stop laughing. I'm taking my blood pressure medicine.
Yet white scroll back down to out on sugars, 25 grams per serving my weight.
Look at the vitamin C, though. Yeah, that's true.
Oh, my God, that might be the hardest, we've laughed on this show ever. So I wanted to talk, I feel like I need to go outside. No, no, no, we're fine. OK, so you guys in the in there, I'm a beverage guy, so I went through and I saw the beverages you have and I saw you have Pepsi. Pepsi is such an interesting choice of beverage. Yeah. Like there's certain people have a taste for Pepsi.
You get it. When your parents get divorced, you have to move in with an aunt and your aunt drinks Pepsi and then you're like Pol Pot, Stalin, all those Mussolini. They're all Pepsi fans.
For real. Yeah, that's really fucking. Are you being serious? No. So we went to one place, one town, and and we got there and there were the whole town just drank Pepsi.
We was on tour and I was like, that's interesting. And all I get is a Pepsi town. And I was like, what do you mean? Like there were Pepsi towns and then there were Coke towns. Like Atlanta is a Coke town. Right. Well, that's headquarters. Right. And there's headquarters.
Check out headquarters of Pepsi. Would you turn it off, please? So it was I think it was probably upstate New York where we were, and they only served Pepsi and we were like, that's really interesting. And then we all have perhaps we like, wow, perhaps he's really good. It's such a different taste than Coke.
Did you ever pick up on that, by the way, along the same lines about how Kurs is one of those beers where your you know, w yes.
And your and like you go places and then if you're asked if you're in neckers, like I had an uncle who drank Coors and you if you go usually eastern United States, you say cause they'll be like, oh, I like that Smokey and the Bandit was all about cause yeah it was the idea was they wanted of course had more alcohol in it than other beers.
And so he had to run a case because in the I think the whole point was the big truck was carrying cause and he was running to distract the the cops so that the truck of course, could make it to a party. OK, so I'm always fascinated by the different places in the country being attached to different brands and then that being their brand, like my my my wife's dad, my wife's dad is a shabby guy. Like they do not drive Fords.
Yeah. Yeah, I could see that. I also feel like I saw Chevy be a thing more when I moved to the south. Yeah.
And I think Ford is a northern plant. I wish I could find the exact. But like in some places, like they had a big problem at Burger King because they stopped flying the Confederate flag in Georgia and like the 90s, I think is Burger King said we're not going to fly the Confederate flag. And I love sandwiches.
What sandwiches, two sandwiches with sandwiches, are you being serious? Wait, I don't know, sausages, Chris sandwich a sandwich, pull up a picture of a sandwich.
These are the best fucking sandwich. Breakfast sandwiches ever. Sandwiches from Burger King. Sausage, egg and cheese, without a doubt, is the best sandwich ever.
Oh, just look at this. Oh, like a person with it, yeah. Oh, my God, that is the way. So did that when they took their flag down.
You're like, I'm not going there anymore. No, no, no, no, no. I tried to go there with some of my wife's family and not my wife's dad, but some of my wife's family in there, like we were going to the airport and I said, just pull into a Burger King. And they said, we don't go to Burger King. We were like, why not? And Liane's like, just let it go. And I was like, no, wait, why don't we go to Burger King?
And they go, they stop flying the Confederate flag. And I go, I don't have a problem with that, pulling the fucking Burger King. And they're like, we won't go to Burger King. And I was like, holy shit, that's like just fucking go to McDonald's. And I was like, I don't like McDonald's. I guess McDonald's kept flying the Confederate flag, I guess. I don't know. I don't know.
By the way. I don't know. You don't want me on this. This is one very drunk morning. I had it when we first started dating.
How do you not always like I wondered this about you. Well, how do you not always feel sick and want to throw up? You're so interesting.
I got I tied one on last night. You did like the jet. I opened a bottle of Buffalo Trace. Uh huh. And Leggate had a cocktail. I did. I did a Sam Adams thing, you know, of things. I did one for my dad. So we drank a couple of Boston lagers. Yeah, and and then our friends called up. They're like, hey, we're making pizza. He wants a pizza. And we got in the car, drank a bottle of wine over at their house, came back and a little.
At the house and then went to sleep and I was like, we have two birds, one came in the morning, I was like, OK, I know that I have to run. What time are you asleep?
Oh, I can tell you. Oh, my. Yeah. I who I still am feeling it for nothing that hard, it's hard to it's hard to like. Oh, it's going to take a while, it's catching up from seven million, but I went to bed. I went to you, went to bed, and then I went to bed probably around midnight, one o'clock. I'm listening to a book on tape right now, so I was listening to that and woke up around seven.
And then Liam was already working on I went on the treadmill and I ran a quick four miles real quick for miles hard all sweat, a lot, poured sweat, got in the pool, showered outdoor shower.
Kool-Aid sweating, pouring sweat in the car called Carl had talked about the covid and then and then pulled in here late as usual.
Yeah, it's fine. I'm always 10 minutes late to this. It's all right. But late to anything else. I'm usually not late at all for anything. Appreciate it. Well, yeah, this is like a law, you know.
Yeah, but I wanted to taste Pepsi. I mean, I haven't had Pepsi in forever or someone their food versus Diet Coke. Tell me if you could tell the difference between Pepsi or Diet Coke. OK, like I'm someone when we all get sodas, like the family gets sodas. Yeah. And we start passing them around. I will drink a full soda before I realized, oh, this isn't my drink. All right.
Give me. A little bit of that. OK, and then some D.C. in there. OK, and then might as well go for that, that has a very distinct taste of. Yeah, but even still, I can never tell the difference with Dr. Pepper and what, like diet and Diet Coke, like I mean, I drank.
I know the story I wanted to tell you, so I already forgot which is which I thought about. This is Dr. Pepper. This is Diet Coke, OK, this is Pepsi. OK, so I'll drink from that side. You drink from that side, are you? Just drink out of the can. Oh yeah. I can do that.
Yeah. So what do I start with. Dr. Pepper. Sara. Dr. Pepper. OK. You don't think that's a very distinct taste, so really to think taste. Yeah, what's the overwhelming flavor of that?
We type in flavor of the profile of Dr Pepper. Dr. Pepper, it's a. It tastes like it's a cousin cinnamon root beer, right? Is it cherry? All mixed together, can you read that? Oh, no, no, caramel, blackberry, licorice, amaretto, it's a type of like lemon molasses, sarsaparilla, pepper, plum, orange, nutmeg, cardamom.
Know that those are the twenty three flavors that make Dr. Pepper. Do you think the licorice is what stands out? Do you ever hear that? No, no. No. Did you ever hear the guy that made Coke, sold it to the Coke people, sold the ingredients and did not make the fortune?
I heard that. I don't know if it's true, though. All right, let's try let's try Pepsi versus OK, Dr. Pepper. Pepsi versus. It's got more of a citrusy taste. It's a lighter feel than it's a lighter feel than this, and sweeter, it's sweeter. It's in the back of your tongue. It's got a it's got a hook on it on the back of your tongue. All right. Diet Coke.
Yeah. It's so much better. To my palate, it's so much better. This is like it's a little a little broader. Yeah, a little more a distinct taste. Yeah, you're right.
So ends up happening like it's like you either have the the desire to have those really specific tastes or just kind of this feels like, I don't know, almost like like they were trying to make this and they were like, it doesn't taste like it.
So let's just go in these other directions, you know, like they were trying to make this broader. Taste, do you think we could make a soda? I mean, we could try. Yeah. You want to try to make a soda? I so badly want to do that. I agree with that. If we came up with our own soda because you know what it is? It all is is just notetaking.
Is all you need is someone that's meticulous with notes, so you fuck around, you put your own measurements in, we just got to get wasted. Have a laboratory.
I don't know. We have to get wasted to do it.
But it's probably better if you're wasted. I don't buy because I just get fucking wasted and then. All you need is a note taker. What was that young lady that used to work with you? That's friends with Hannah from the heart. Ali, Ali, she's a good note.
She's a good note taker.
Get Ali put in a lab coat, get her some goggles, and then Meenu fucking trashed coming up with fucking flavors.
All you got to do if I swear to God we pick these twenty three flavors. Cartman UNECE. And that's not how you say it. I mean, I don't know what you're saying on e on these flavors, nutmeg. And then and then, you know what we do? We throw in the flavors from juicy fruit. We throw those into those in grapefruit banana.
I bet we could come up with a sports soda, a very refreshing to pour soda, walk around with a half gallon of Kool-Aid that nobody would ever guess.
Oh, I bet we could come up with a pretty badass.
So what would we call it? I don't like the word cola killer. Mike came up with Crip Cola. Cola cola bothers me. Cola you like.
I like Dr. Pepper, I like I like Diet Coke, I like Pepsi, I like pot, but don't say soda. Oh, no, no soda. Lacroix's a great one. Lucroy really makes you feel like you're in the islands. OK, can you believe the Croisette thing? How do they fuckin I mean, we drink so many Lacroix's at our house. Yeah. And it's just like soda water and that's it. Yeah.
We got to start really branding ourselves out there. We've already got a flip flop wine. We're thinking about doing a shoe line for you. Oh, that's where we go.
Let's talk about shoes. Guess who fucking hit me up? Oh, Trinidad. James, what do you say?
I swear to God, he asked me to do it. He's got a parenting podcast. Yeah. And so I'm doing it today at 3:00. You are? Yeah. I think it's I think it's just FaceTime on a on Instagram. Sure. But, um, so let's talk about shoes.
I'm reading this book, the great book of Shoes, the great book of sneakers. Yeah. And I'm smart. He knows a lot about sneakers. There is.
It's really fascinating when you look at kind of the progress of sneakers and wear sneakers have gone and what what attracts people to sneakers. Yeah. So if you can make your own signature sneaker, what would you be what would you go after? What would you model it after.
I mean, because there's I'll be honest with you and this is going to be sacrilege to most sneaker people. Yeah.
There's not really much to a Jordan meeting like Jordan's I have found are very uncomfortable shoes. Really. Yeah. Like Jordan is. When you talk about like an Air Force One, I feel like there's more product in an Air Force One. Well, here's the thing.
There's a big difference because you like a lot of people like myself, you know, if you're talking about like the retro ones or something, those aren't about.
Like comfort, the ultimate comfort. No, it's a stop, but I'm saying if you actually get in Jordan's as they evolved.
Oh like oh yeah, I see what you're saying. I mean, let me take that back. You're right. Yeah. They became much more comfortable. They make it much more comfortable, but I don't think they're attractive.
I'm with you for the Jordan ones. Keep those sneakers up, by the way. Nadaf, please. The old Jordan. That's a beautiful shoe you see in the movie in the the the the documentary he did the last dance.
Last dance when he did the one show shoe in the old school shoes. Yeah. He played the last game in the whatchamacallit in the once and he's like my feet are fucking killing leading.
He said they're full of blood. Yeah. Because and you can when you put those on like I have a bunch of those ones you put them on, you're like oh I mean this is for walking around.
But if I were to try to play basketball in this right now, this would suck. Yeah, it would really. They're not they're not supportive. But those like those right there that the cursors on those are comfortable as shit to play in. That was real. Oh yeah. For sure.
And and like all the ones that have come out in the last decade are really made for playing, you know, high level basketball. And they have the most advanced technology. So they're they're way more. But yeah, the early ones would definitely not be like that.
So Nike Bisbee's are my favorite shoe. Yeah. Those are comfortable. They're so comfortable. Like I remember putting one on for the first time. Yeah.
And I done an ice house chronicles with you and Joe and I probably read Van and Joey and we were talking about what shoes we wore on stage and I was like, oh, I wear boots. I always wore boots on stage. And typical Joey goes, that's the dumbest you to wear on stage. And I was like, what do you mean, what if you have to fight? And I was like, Huh? It's like, how are you going to like you've no traction those things.
You'll be all over the place. Someone could kill you in those. You've got to stop working boots.
And I was like, OK, it's like, it's like you can't wear a tie around.
Joe is all he sees is you as a victim. Like if you put a tie on, he's like, I just want to take that you're going to wear a tie for and you're like, I don't wear ties. And so and so I said, do you like what do you wear? And you were like, oh, airforce ones or sneakers. You were. And I was like, oh, and I did not wear I didn't.
Oh that's right. To see you in boots. I did not own sneakers for I did not own a pair of sneakers really. I never want to wear flip flops or boots. That's it. I never wore some real white guy shit fucking straight up. Yeah. And so I was like. I was doing both at the time and I was I said to I was like, I should get some sneakers and she was like, OK. And so I went to Vall surf and I was like, do you guys have, like, a good comfortable sneaker?
And they gave me a pair of Nike houseboys and I fucking loved them. Yeah. And then I was done. And then and then what happened is I went I went to Atlanta to do a show and I put on my boots and I started getting plantar fasciitis from them because I was so comfortable in the Nike Air, Nike, Aspies, the one I couldn't go back to boots. And then now I've been in sneakers ever since. Aspies are super comfortable, man.
I did. I did. I had custom pair for my last special special. Before that I had Nike. I had Jordans on. Yeah, black Jordans.
I really like them but Pahad Jordans for the first two and then I had y 3s for the three then Adidas you know. What is it Yoshimoto. You don't know Yamamoto. Right. Y 3s. Uh I think that's his name isn't it. Yeah, let me see a picture. Well, he makes all kinds, but I had like a very specific kind of.
I'll tell you what I'm really loving right now. Or Adidas, the ultra boost.
Is it yeah, they may go to Russia, but I like they have they have like a special attributes that you can get that are like you're getting sneaker shops that are different, different. They're not really like ultra boost. They're kind of just like some sort of Adidas type thing, but like that kind of different netting. And they're really fucking comparable to Autobus I like. The pure I even to the pure booze, yeah, because Autobus is like supposed to be the top one.
I like the pure boss, even the type in pure boots.
I'd love to see a pure boost. I think I might. That might be what I like to. Yeah, supercops, yeah, yeah, so if you were going to make a signature issue, what would you what? What are your favorite things from different shoes that you would put into this shoe? Well, I think it's all about like it's the look you like, so style wise and then comfort. Would you make sure you could wear shorts?
You can't really wear Jordans with shorts. Well, you can't. No, I can only work flip flops or shorts. Why? It's like, yeah, I mean, I like I like low cuts, you know, for like a like a like an Air Force One style shoe for shorts.
Right. Yeah. Like a not a high top but high tops.
I can't wear high tops are so cumbersome for me. Like to take on and off. Oh those are the Tiffany. See the blue and black ones. Those are Tiffany the diamond. SP's right there. Those are fucking awesome.
I haven't bought shoes, all of quarantine, really. I did not bought one pair of shoes I bought. You did? Yeah, I bet it was easy online, you know, you just have shit.
How would you what kind of what would you like Trinidad James shipped to me? Oh, he shipped me four pairs of shoes that are.
So when you do the the their sneaker show, they bring up like new designs and they're like, hey, we think of this issue and it's like like flip, skip or drip, you know, kind of thing where you like. I like it, but I didn't I didn't usually go. I was supposed to be in New York to do the show, just like I watched it was on Zoome So there's this one definitely code talking to them. Keep going was that you're like, oh yeah homeboy I was not.
Yeah, yeah. Homeboy pulled up, pulled up your code talking a little bit.
No it was a little bit. A little bit.
We talking about see the way you're talking Miles. Right. And then when you were talking to me like oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dope fly from so so they bring up this first shoot that I ever tell you about.
I never mind, I can't tell you about it in Reno, the first show and I'm looking on, on my laptop and it's in one little square and I was like, oh yeah, that's hot.
I just don't.
Yeah you just talked. You just go, oh yeah, that's hot. Yeah, keep going.
So I'm like I go drip or whatever the thing is. And they're like, really. And then I go, well can you like make this bigger. But I've already said it's it's a hot issue and then they do it. I'm like nah. And they're like nah you already said it was hot.
So I so I'm like, no, I got to take that back.
I got shit. And then they're all like, this is terrible. Like so then they start clowning me and they're like cannot believe. I was like come on man. So I go just I take it back like you can't take it back.
You said it was hot and they're like it's the worst and they just destroy that shoot.
He sent me four pairs of well I don't think I know enough about Trinidad James. Yeah. Like I want to learn more about him. You find out today. I just like his music. Yeah. Like his the I remember I don't know how I got turned on to him and I remember telling someone from Atlanta that I liked him and they were like, how the fuck do you know Trinidad James? And I was like, what do you mean?
Apparently he was selling a mixtape. He was working at a clothing store in one of the malls in Atlanta, and he was selling his mixtape out of that thing. So he was hot on, like, the streets before. He was like big. Yeah. In his label. And he's a fashion icon. He really is into fashion. Oh, yeah. I'm like hardcore dude. All gold, everything his. I want that to be my summer.
Look, his. His.
Shoe game is actually completely world class, this guy has has everything and knows about everything, it's while you were like you realize that when when you think you like something and then you meet somebody who really likes it, like I mean, I feel like that about almost everything that I feel strongly that I like.
And I realize I'm like, so, you know, like this I like shoes. I don't like shoes like this too. Does I like hip hop. I don't like it like Russell Peters does.
Like where he's like, you know, who played drums on that beat and like no. And like he'll know the whole history of everything. I like cars, not like Matt Fera and those guys where they're just telling you about this.
What's your what's your thing then that you that you can out geek somebody.
That's the thing I was thinking about. I really don't know. I don't know if I don't know if I have that level of.
But I appreciate I actually recognizing what you like in our fan of makes you appreciate other people's fandom even if you don't align with it. Meaning the fact that I really know that I like cars and, you know, certain music and stuff. Then I go like, you know what, I guess these wrestling fans aren't such Tic Tacs. I mean, they are. But I get it, you know, like like that's just what they're into there, you know, I wish I was I wish I was into wrestling.
Really? You definitely fit the mold.
Are you kidding me? You know, I'm writing this self-help book and it basically the first two chapters or how to turn yourself into a professional wrestler. Really? Oh, basically, I didn't realize was what I was writing in the Liane's like, are you making them into professional wrestlers or is this self-help book? And I was like, I don't know. I was like, real. She's like, yeah, this is really ridiculous. She's like this.
You should not put this in the book. This is not what are you putting in there? The first chapters give yourself a nickname, the self-help book.
And I was all about because I think all great men have great nicknames. And if you don't have a good nickname, it's hard to get by. It's hard to get by. Yeah.
If you don't a great nickname like you need a great nickname. It's really tough to be a dude with just a name like Ari Shapiro. And then you're like, is there any more thing I'll say to you? I'm Jewish and I'm like, give me some razzle dazzle. What do we know about you, Ari Shapiro? You're like, come on, nothing. So you feel like he needs a nickname? Oh, we give him one.
OK, but you want to call him the nose? No, no.
It's got to be it's best if you give yourself a nickname. Oh, OK. So like, if you give yourself your nickname, then you can kind of dictate your narrative and it's great if it's organic, you can't just go on Big Dick Krischer. And they're like, oh by the way, I've had buddies give them.
So I've had so many friends give themselves nicknames and like my buddy Scott O'Brien when we were in ninth grade. We went out to the end of the island where everyone's and we were drinking beers and I was like, Scotney goes, it's Obbie. Now we're like, what? He's like, they call me Pobby. And we were like we were like, OK, Pobby. And we called them Obbie for the rest of his life. And then he was like, that's not the way you say it.
But then it became his real name. Then it was his nickname, my buddy Morris, which was a great fucking nickname. I've heard you say Wiecek, which is a great fucking. Why didn't you go buy back then, though?
You must have given yourself a nickname.
There's no way you were walking around nickname lists.
I was while I was Nazeer boy for a little while because I used to take my shirt off and be barefoot. I was ever penis lips for a little bit. Edward Penis Lip. The Beamon man was a big one like Beamon was when I gave myself. I used I used to yell man kills it in parties and then accuse a female like, I don't know, sounds like he kills it and B man kills it.
And I was at a party, I just know about it, my buddy.
And then when I went to Russia, give myself the machine and the machines paid some dividends.
Yeah, no, I know. Yeah, we all heard that story.
Would you call yourself if you didn't have that now, would you give yourself a nickname now like Kool Aid or what would you call yourself.
But it could have a great big name, a Kool Aid. And like what? He drinks a gallon a day. Trinidad James real name is Trinidad James Brown. The great fucking name. Yes, good name. I mean, rappers, you know, rappers and rappers all have the dorkiest fucking names. Real name Method Man. Yeah, his real name, Clifford Clifford Smith. Yo, DMX Earl Earl said Master P Percy Percy is a great fucking name.
Percy Percy would be a great fucking nickname. Percy's a great name. Yeah.
There's like some old school black names like Percy. You hear Roosevelt you know, to be name. There was a guy to play football for St. Louis.
Chauncey Chance. He's a great fucking name. Yeah. Well who'd you say played for Lincoln. Lincoln.
What was his name. Lincoln, he ended up going pro fuck. I don't know. Yeah, those there were some great black guys, got some great fucking names back in, like like guys are my age, I think about a Snoop is Calvin album, right?
Yeah. That's a great fucking Calvin Broaddus.
It's amazing that he changed it to Snoop Doggy Dogg. Yeah, I remember hearing Snoop Doggy Dogg and going. That doesn't sound that tough. And they're like, he's actually a really good rapper. Yeah. I was like, yeah, it sounds kind of stupid. They're like his doree. If you listen his raps, it fits in. Yeah. Yeah. Calvin brought us to great fucking name. It's a good name.
Will Smith was Will Smith. What are you looking at. Rappers names. Dante Taurel Smith, who's that? Oh, most, yeah, most that's a great Mos Def, so fucking Mos Def is a great deal.
One of the fucking coolest things ever was Chappelle's Show when he had most Dassin Bey, isn't it. But he goes by now. Oh right. He changed it again. Yeah. Because he's Muslim. You know Dave Chappelle's Muslim. Yeah. Not crazy. He didn't seem like it was that mean he smoked weed and drinks. Oh I don't think you can do that. It's probably a good point. Yeah. Maybe I'll go Muslim. Maybe you'll go Muslim.
Pull up the tenements of Muslim and Muslim Islam. Islam, elements of Islam, five pillars of Islam. All right, sell it to me, Tommy. All right.
Go ahead and make that bigger for me five dude, OK? Already I'm just for the record, I can get behind a religion that's only got five things I got to follow. OK, pretty easy. Ready to wrap your head around it. Go ahead. First of all, you just have to be down with there is no God but God. And Muhammad is the messenger of God. That's central. Don, I got it.
OK, you this. We're going to get murdered for this.
We're not mocking this religion right now, where can we get murdered for talking about Islam? Is that one of the pillars?
All right, keep coming. I might be Islamic by the end of this. So are you going to be down? This one's kind of a lot here. The Cirlot the praying five times a day facing Mecca. You've got to do Dunoon mid-afternoon, sunset and after dark.
That's a lot of making it incorporate snacks maybe.
I have like a granola bar while we break. Let's finish this segment, let's see. Let's talk about something else. So tell me, on a different religion, don't tell me the religion pulled up. You sell it to me. I'll tell you if it's a smash or pass.
OK, you go ahead and pull that up for me. Look up one.
By the way, this is how we definitely get canceled. Just mocking everyone's release. Give me a religion. Yeah. And I'll tell you if I'm into it and give me some far fetched ones. Don't give me Catholicism. I'm already there.
OK, how do you feel about you've got to refrain from harming living beings? I'm in refrain from taking that which is not freely given. Refrain from taking that, which is. That's usually the shit I like the hard to get stuff. This is this is going to be the struggle of this one. OK, I'm a pass. What religion did I just pass on and refrain from sexual misconduct and refrain this was going to be real tough for you from speech such as lying, idle chatter, malicious gossip or harsh speech.
So what am I supposed to do, not talk? I'm going a hardcore pass on this religion. My religion is Buddhism. Oh, OK. Real God.
I thought I maybe just branding wise, I thought Buddhism would have worked for me.
I would just say drink lots of Kool-Aid. So that was you could do that. God damn it.
Did I just pass on Buddhism. Yeah. Fuck.
I really thought I would have been a great Buddhist. Yeah, I would have thought that. You would have thought that.
I would have thought I maybe I'm ok.
You give me. I like this. Give me another religion. Tell you what the. OK, are you ready for this one. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. OK God exists.
Done. I can't believe that's even in there. There is only one God I can do that. There are no other gods. Same same God can't be subdivided into different persons. We get it.
There's one fucking God. You should worship that one only only God. Holy fuck. He is transcendent. God is transcendent.
I don't know what that means. It doesn't have a body. Fine. And um.
Germans are dicks, just Jewish. Yeah, you want in and he'll take it. All right. So I can't believe someone in there can give you the rundown. Pretty good if you want to know. Oh, it's a Jew on Israeli the. So that's so interesting. I pass on Buddhism. I thought I would have been able to believe that. I'm sure if you like this one. OK, here we go. All right. Truth is eternal.
OK, yeah. Well, and everyone should strive to achieve Dharma. Was Dharma, let's stop asking questions and then I'll take it, individual souls are immortal, I love it. The goal of the individual soul is moksha. I don't know much as Marty being a little lost in this religion, which makes me like it. Yep. Keep going. Um, me. Something about Bouzar sex.
There are many gods instead of that whole. No, there's only one bullshit we were dealing with. He got our many guys. Uh, yeah, I'll take it.
Um, karma is real. Oh, I like this religion. I think you're in. Yeah. What is it. Hindu. Shut up.
Yeah. Is Kumail Hindoo, I do not believe so, no. Who do we know? Tiepin Famous Hindu's. I want to see you. I'm hanging out with. I guess famous in these inlike type in 2020 lifers. Yeah. Uh, who's the most famous cockamamy? Real quick. He was raised Muslim.
You sure? Yes, a white chick, I don't think you allowed to do that. He was he was raised hardcore Muslim and then he passed and then, well, he moved, they moved to the States and he grew away from religion, like, as you know, like everyone else does.
Yeah. So we don't know any famous as Russell Peters. What was the one I just picked up into.
Yeah. Is he. No, Russell is not.
His parents might have been. I would love to do some payments and do just so I can know who I'd see it, me, Russell would know somebody call him, let's call him call.
Do you think he'll answer my phone call? He didn't answer yours last time. Nikki Glaser answered hours. There's been a really easy episode.
That's going to take a walk, Russell, I know a lot of Russell's pull up that last one for me cause I want to read them those descriptions.
You know, the tenants of the last one you had up know the that that that that that. Yeah. When do you think the last time Russell had Koolade was a while ago, do you think it's within quarantine now?
You don't think he's actually in quarantine? But the fact is, it's because he lives in, uh oh, yes, he has presence there where he lives. It's hard to get cell reception where he is. Please leave your message for give me another one, give me the last religion, OK? OK, here are the I'm aggressive. This is something that some of the OK. So basic beliefs are that human beings are immortal.
I already am practically sold on this religion. Yeah.
A person's life experience transcends a single lifetime that human beings possess infinite capabilities.
Dude, is this Mickey Mantle Gene. I already I think we found my religion. Keep going. Give me some more.
This is really, really good for you. Um, we have let's see, there's two major divisions of the mind. The reactive mind is thought to absorb all pain and emotional trauma by the analytical mind is a rational measurement mechanism which is responsible for consciousness.
I did that at Rite Aid last night. I did that a Rite Aid last night. Girls, they called and I said, are you open? Do you are my blood pressure medicine? She said, Yeah. And I got there and she goes, Oh, pharmacist just went on duty, kind of flippant. And I processed it angry.
And then the reflective mind said, I'm not going to cause drama for this woman in her life. I said, how about I come by tomorrow morning? She went, really? And I went, Yeah. She goes, You don't need it tonight. I said, Well, I don't feel like waiting. Twenty minutes. She said, I'll be ready first thing in the morning. And we went like that. I flipped it. So I, I'm already doing this religion.
So you're in. Yeah. Scientology.
Really. Yeah. Mm hmm. Do you think I'm famous enough to not have to do the seabourne shit. Yeah, who do we know that Scientologists? We know a few who. Well, Joe just wants to say that, uh.
But who does? When you say they who you mean who said they are Scientologists, hey, I don't think they like psychology. Oh. What do you say? I don't know that Scientologists don't like psychology, but perfect, I fucking hate therapy. Dude, my question is, could I get into Scientology, skip all the grunt work, all the fucking pledge stuff, and go straight to being famous, hanging out with Tom Cruise, Leah Remini would know no.
Do we have Leah Remini? No. You do. Yeah, I do. That'll be great. If you could call her right now. I have fucking Leah Remini. No, please call her. How do you how do you think I would have spelled Leah when I met her, Leah or Leah? Well, e a h no, Leah, I would Nelia not Leah, how do you think I would have spelled Remini start with an R.
I don't have it, Ari. You don't have it? No, I was probably text and I was like and I raised all my texts. If you could go if they said so, let's just say we get an offer from our agents to be Scientologists and they're like, hey, we got a place for you in Scientology. And yet you go in top level, like just, you know, your board members, like, you don't have to do all the fucking bullshit.
All you got to do is show up to be in a couple of movies with John Travolta going out with Tom Cruise, do some photo ops. We're going to get you new wives, just like more like like that are like more Scientology friendly, younger, not too young, but young girls like 29.
Like I'll take 32, I'll take 32. We can have two kids still, but it's still going to be touch and go in the last one. And so.
And by the way, we want to help your career. All you got to do is go to the Scientology Center on Franklin like once a month, Stoppie hit the gym, whatever you want, and we'll help your career. OK, right. Sure. What the fuck? Why isn't Scientology kind of makes sense the way you pitched to Jimmy? And by the way, you didn't bring up aliens, but I kind of believe in them already.
So like like like I do believe I believe more in aliens than I do happen in real life.
I want to point out something. What you and Adap.tv got along really well this episode. We did. Yeah. Way to go, guys. I think it's I took it my reflective side. Yeah. I also want to say this episode has been brought to you by Koolade.
It's really good. You can drink it whenever you want. It's not too sweet and it's good for you.
The variety packs come in five different flavors, five calories each. Just tear it up in turn and turn it into a 64 ounce growler and you are hydrated for the whole day with taste, Kool-Aid, Kool-Aid.
I would love a sponsorship from Kool Aid. For real.
We just did one. If Kool Aid. By the way, there are brands that I'm looking for that like I've already conquered the flip flop game, so I would love to get into running shorts. Well, OK. On the next episode of Two Bears, one cave Burton Tom, figure out what brands they're looking for sponsorships from.
What's your favorite sweet treat? So it's it's going to take a second. Yeah, because I'm really trying to mouth-watering right now.
OK. Depends what we're were saying, like, I will always go Oreos, Oreos, or is it right down the line they never let down, even if they're stale, they're even good dipped in milk. You know, I did the other day, she stuck a fork in the icing and dipped it in milk that way. Oh. And then I go, what the fuck are you doing? She was like, What? I can barely read a fucking book, but she's figured out Oreo dipping.
Or I mean, I'd have to say you give him five dollars to get treats for everyone. Like in you're like, hey, we're getting on, we're driving up to Malibu for the day, hey running, go get treats. Just a sweet treat that everyone's going to like. It's.
It's always Oreos or is is the shit. I mean, we're almost also say that like donuts, OK, I didn't know we were going like broad strokes.
Yeah. Fucking donuts got donuts are so good. Blinkx Donuts this shit. Do they have a fucking blinkx donut. That's like a grape jelly doughnut but it's folded. It's a next time we come in here.
Yeah. Let's grab some donuts 100 percent. OK, can you smash a bunch. How amazing you can smash depends what kind of doughnuts we're talking. OK, let's see. OK, well on the next episode, let's do it on the next episode. You mean for real? The one. Yes. OK. OK.
All right. We got to run. This is a lot of fun. I love you guys. I love you. Please keep drinking Kool-Aid.
Oh, Burt. Tom Solomon. Where one goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories in bird snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what. Because there's vacation. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humour, no apologies. Here's what we recall. So there's one case.