It was a smart kid, OK, smarter kid. I want to get one of those is going back immediately.
I wanted to I know you don't listen to anyone this story right now.
First of all, let me hard your second.
You got to stop with the smarter kids, everything, everything in there. I can't believe everything in the kid is a parole violation.
Hundred percent to this episode of Two Bears.
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One Cave. I'm thin. It's the thing from friends I.
I'm super skinny.
He's on his way. I'm always my body. Measurements have gone drastically lower. My weight has not.
But my what my body looks like my so much better.
It's my waist is at like it's interesting because you don't wear a size 44 pant but if you measure it it's a 44.
Oh when you see me are you like God this guy is like so I'm a little bothered by it and and I think I what I did is I tell you the tiger's tail by saying you're going to get so fat now that you're injured. And you must have heard that as motivation as in I refuse to let myself be the fat one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It did motivate not just from you other people to you know, a lot of people were like, you're going to gain so much weight.
I was like, I think it scared you. It's like it's like the first time I went to camp, my dad was like, don't get molested. And I was like, oh, I guess what?
Then I'm listed a bunch of kids so that they wouldn't molest me.
So I literally was like anyone who tried to help me with everything. Don't touch me, God. Yeah.
A lot of people, a lot of people tell me that I'm shocked I didn't get more molested as a child like I have that I like.
I definitely am super trusting. Yeah, I was a little and I know this will be taken the wrong way. I thought that I was kind of super cute enough as a kid to get fucked with, you know?
I mean, like, if I when I see pictures of myself, I'm like, I'd fucking fuck around with that kid.
Oh yeah. I was not I was not attractive molester. Well, like, I wasn't on a military.
We're both Catholic, like we were in prime get fucked with grounds, you know, on a scale of molesting one to ten.
That's already, that's already fourteen.
I'm talking about when I was like five. So trusting that face. Yeah, sure. I'll meet you at the rectory after class. Yeah. But see, I'm too old there.
I mean when I was like, you know, I mean like six. Yeah. I was like, I'm going to get a picture of me in a Speedo at molested age.
And by the way, I don't advocate molestation, nor do I think that there's a proper age problem to try to get it from my mom. Yeah, there's definitely no proper age to get molested on. That's a good what's too old to get molested? Well, if you like, heard someone got molested, you're like you're 18, 18, you know. All right. Let's start, by the way. This is definitely cancelable conversation. What age you start going?
Well, so I keep going. Someone said they were 17. Get out of here. 16. Hold on.
Hold on. OK, let's let's let's push pause. Because you could get molested at 16 by like when I was five.
Whoa. OK, when I was 14, I made out with a 29 year old. You did? Yeah. A guy.
I don't know. I'm asking. I don't know. I don't know. I'm asking. I mean, it was a clean hit the line but I mean, that's what I picture like an older guy being like, hey man, come with me.
Show you something.
No, wait. What's the scenario? OK, I will tell you.
Dude, it is it is this probably defined my personality for the rest of my life, you and the guy making out on the girl, OK, the girl, New Smyrna Beach and without.
I think maybe. Is Alan the one that molested you? No, no, it's funny, Alan is like was like one of my best friends growing up and if he watched our show, he would be probably offended by what? Like just his his sensibility is not he's like very, very, very like social justice minded. He's but he was a little bit when we were younger, but then he, like, really hit a curve when we moved to New York.
And you could see like if you watch and it's crazy, we have so much in common. But if you watch this show now as an adult, he'd be like. OK, yeah, I think so, I think he's like an author, like I am, I got brought into an email chat with a guy that we were all like my my close friend from college where we're also friends. But he was on our hall as a freshman, as a sophomore, and it's been like ten years.
And then we were like, what's up, bitch? Like just like but and he was like, hi, fellas. And we were like, and this is a guy that used to, like, just get absolutely loaded with us and, you know, all like inappropriate jokes. And we kept fucking around and he was like, good. And then he signed it with, like, his he's a lawyer now, like his legal.
Yeah. I was like, OK, McGuire. Yeah, yeah.
I have one of those friends that I ran into, I was doing who knows what the fuck I was doing in Tampa, but I had a limousine, a bottle of champagne. And like a few bottles of champagne and I was and it was like 8:00 in the morning and I ended up on Davis Island. You're on your way to radio. I was I was probably on my way to radio and I had time to kill or something. Or maybe it was like maybe a little later and I just got done cowhide and I ran into one of my closest friends growing up, like my best friend growing up, I had like by two, I had a really big tight knit.
But this dude and I went to ninth grade together. We were best friends all through high school, like literally best friends. And I called his mom like aunt and I saw him getting coffee. And I was like, wow. Only, by the way, that this is how. Much is due to change. I won't say his name right, and everyone in Tampa knows his name. Like everyone here in this goes, I know exactly who you're talking about, who's like.
Hello, Burt. I was like. What's that? And he was like. So you're still. Having a good time, huh? I said, yeah, he was a little early, don't you think? And I'm like, what happened to this fucking guy? And he was like, Sobrino. I was like, oh, cool. He's like, went to a Yo-Yo Ma concert. Sober and I was like. You couldn't waterboard me into going a Yo-Yo Ma concert, let alone plying me with enough drugs and alcohol to get me there.
I don't even know what Yo-Yo Ma does. That's what he brought up to. You know, the thing is and I was like as last time I spoke to him, I was like, best of luck, brother. And I just and it's great. Let's go back to the girl that I made out with. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
OK, so we're on the beach and don't think we're not talking about Jennifer Aniston soon.
Oh, yeah. And by the way, that's not the girl that was on the beach.
So she looked just like your Jennifer, OK, in my recollection, it was like same haircut, same attitude, very confident, strong woman. Oh, by the way, do you ever had this you tell your stories like when you're like, I was back home, I was in Florida and I kind of did shows, which was so fucking fun, but it looked so fun. But I did. You were like, you're in your hometown because like a smaller town.
And someone was like, Hey, Tom, what's up there? Like, hey, I go, Hey, it's me.
And I go, I don't know who you are. And they're like, we went to high school together. And like, no, he didn't. And they're like, yeah, we did, dude. And I'm like, I don't think so, man. And then they start like saying names of other people.
I'm like, I know them. Yeah, I saw that. Might say hi. Yeah. But I definitely don't know you. Mine's always Bert. And I was like, what judgment. And I was like, oh I don't ozo five years behind you. I was like, you know, I wasn't the judge with that. Yeah, I would.
I know you kind of graduated eighth grade when I graduated. Come on then. All right.
So your finger in this twenty nine year old on the beach. Uh, so it's it's like three three of us were all fourteen. And I mean, I can't tell you like eighth grade, ninth grade, ninth grade, ninth grade, ninth grade. I maybe fifteen because I was I turned in November, but I'm guessing it was early. OK, so and my my dream in my whole experience in life, I have always been on beaches, looking down the beach, hoping that a girl would just walk up.
I mean I think I've thought about that so much like a movie scene. Yeah. And I've been growing up in Florida. You always ended up on a beach, you and your friends or whatever, and you always waited like you'd be like, why won't just a pack of girls walk up to us and be like, hey, what are you guys doing?
And then you can all hang out. Everyone's making out in the hot tub.
Never happened for freshman year. Were over in New Smyrna Beach and a group of girls is walking on the beach and we're like, oh, shit.
And as we get closer, we realize they're like adults, like they're in their 20s. And I start just being funny. And then I'm like, I'm just kind of like busting my balls, but like like trying to get them to talk to us. And they're they're just find. It's cute, right? Yeah. They're like these guys are. And then I'm like, you guys should teach us how to kiss. And they're like, when I was like, we never kissed.
Anyone would totally kiss chicks. I just felt like you should teach us how to kiss. And the girls are like, Oh, that would be hilarious though. Be I go, no, serious. Like I'm just being funny. And this is what defines my personality. And why I've only had sex with six women is because I could never turn it off, because it worked that first time I did this. And I'm just making jokes, making jokes.
And I don't know if she did it to shut me up, but she kissed me and I thought I it was like the most insane kiss I've ever had in my life.
I'm like, oh, blue balls all night like that. I mean, my dick was hard for, like a week.
Yeah. And I was just like, girl.
I mean, I talked about her non stop and she kissed me then. And then she put took me around to like there's a ramp, took me the other side the ramp and kissed me again.
Now I look back and I go, what a fucked up woman she was like I was fourteen at twenty. I mean think about yeah.
Those are the best chicks that she had. She had real problems to do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean I should have gotten tested like super hot plus psychological problems equals angel on Earth right now.
She's probably dead. There's no way she's alive.
Oh my God. Well also you weren't like the first kid. She's done that. So she knows what she's doing.
Oh, fourteen is fourteen. Is that the cutoff for where you're like you could probably get molested?
Yeah. If you say thirteen, someone's like, hey, that's a real. Yeah. Oh I'm talking boys. I'm not talking girl.
No, no I know I'm boy now, but as a boy if you're fourteen you're like you can you know. But thirteen I can understand getting molested at fourteen or fifteen. You're like yeah I can see, I can see certain boys of fifteen or sixteen. You're like, oh my God.
Did you see that fucking video between the MMA fighter and the Omaha, Oklahoma University guy? No. Or what happened or type in Oklahoma. Football and it'll just come up again in football. Oklahoma football, Oklahoma football player fight. You have not seen this, so what? OK, let me. OK. Oh, I think I saw a frame of this.
So so who's who in this?
So now. This is a very special breakdown now, this young man. His name is Jordan here, OK, Spencer Jones, he's a wide receiver. He's wide receiver, place holder, bathroom bar fight.
He nearly lost his eye. Now here's what happened and here's why I can assess you don't really know anything, but I've done a lot of deep diving and I have a lot of assessments on the way the Internet reacted to this.
I think your boy in the turtleneck and the and the and the jean jacket, I think if I'm not mistaken and this is all I can wait for this just trying to I just want you to know I have blue balls right now.
I think he must have punched this this smaller guy and I a smaller guy simply because he just is. And it's important in the story because when we break down how how the Internet looked at this, he is definitely the smaller guy. OK, because what you will notice on point, hit pause, hit pause. What you will notice is this smaller guy, the guy with the curly hair, he has blood on his face right here. So you got to look at that because one of the first moves he does, Tom, is wipes his face, looks at his brother, his brothers in the back of the head, what we see, and then wipes the blood onto Spencer Jones.
Just lets just watch it. Holy shit. OK, it's fucking insane.
Oh, I'm so excited right now. Oh, hello. OK. Why is that cutting off? I just turned it off because of the music. Oh, OK, look at this. Why bam, bam, bam, and then takes him to the ground and then melts him. So that's the main fighter. Yeah, the enemy fire was the one with the boots and the football players, the one on the ground, on the ground underneath them.
Now, his brothers got this guy, the other guy, he's got them in like he's kind of holding him so he can't do anything. Yeah, well, you're about to see is about to choke him out yet. Yeah, he's choking him out. It's put him in a guillotine. He's done. He's totally. No, not yet. He's this guy actually gets a little worse. Really. Where do you see. Yeah, WAMM is out, and that's his brother.
Yeah, yeah, so fucking now he mounts them and he just starts leveling punches, this guy, that kind of stuff, right.
Well, they both know how to fight. Yeah, it's worth watching again. So you can see see exactly what everything you need to see. So he is talking to his brother. The guy in the green jacket pushes them and he thinks it's that kid. He thinks it's the other guy. That's why he punches the other guy. Yeah. Bam, bam, bam. Yeah. I mean, it is I've watched this maybe 100 times. Yeah, and now here's what you need to know.
The brother, the one that not the one that's on mount right now, but the other one has replied on Twitter. And he said, just so you know, we were backed into a corner. This is the only option we had. Yeah, I'm paraphrasing. Yeah. And he's like, we have been wrestling. We do not wrestle for any college, but we've been wrestling since we were in diapers and we've been practicing mixed martial arts since we were 12.
Mm hmm. And it's very clear that that is. That is I mean, that just you just get guys out, that guy's out, he's fucked, that guy got that guy got really fucked.
And then here's all the brain damage right here. It's like when you're already out. Well, it's almost starts just that right there. Yeah. That is making your brain just fucking so.
Now, what's fascinating about this to me and realize that this is an assessment that. Is, you know, coming from a comic, I'm trying to think of the angle here. Yeah, but what everyone everyone jumped on. Yeah. This football player and called him a bully. And they were like, that's what bullies get, right? As if everyone identify with the main fighter. Right. My perspective is. Everyone really should be identifying with the football player because none of us are enemy fighters, right?
None of us know how to fight right. There is only a handful of people that are like this young man, very small group of very small. And here's the thing.
Most guys. Yeah. Don't consider that there's a guy like that out there. That is why all of us should identify with that football player and try to hurt the MINGI together.
Because because. No, no, no. Because because what is what is interesting about this is I think and that's what's like not to get too meta about it. Yeah. But that is what is wrong with cancel culture. No one identifies themselves as a KARREN. They identify themselves as the good person. Right. And clearly.
This kid now, what is this football player saying he was trying to de-escalate the situation? It actually kind of looks like he was. Yeah, and so I didn't I mean, like, we're seeing, like, a really small school. Yeah. But it looks like he's like kind of like, hey, you know, what's the problem? It doesn't look like he's being, like, trying to provoke him. I think it's frightening.
The jean jacket was provoked and I did see that that his friend shot while the head is turned.
Yeah. And yeah, it definitely looks like I mean, here's the thing to like you, you know, I'm I'm no expert by any means, but having trained a little bit in boxing, the thing that you the thing that I know is how little I know yet about fighting, because I've I've done it enough to realize how like what level a trained person is on.
It's so far beyond our so grasp, you know, far be like I sparred with a a seasoned boxer.
Yeah. And like, you know, he didn't he purposely didn't like me up. Right. But that even that experience makes you go like, oh my God.
Like if, you know, just getting, like, rocked a few times, you go like, holy shit, if somebody really knows what they're doing, what they can do to you, it's unimaginable.
I mean, it's like what we saw, they're like they can really fucking hurt you.
But what people need to understand and what I'm what kind of left me overly impressed was that everyone in that story identified with the M fighter. That's. Yeah. And said that's what you get. Fuck you, you're a prick.
As opposed to realizing we've all been in a situation where a person smaller than us talk as a man has talked shit and you've got, you know, six inches on him or whatever and body size. Yeah. And you just and every man has been in a situation where you could where you don't know. And every man who watches that, you go, my lesson is this is never talk shit to anyone smaller that never talked to shit to anyone, never get overly confident because I promise you, that kid, that football player, I guarantee you, is is a tough kid.
Yeah. He plays football at. Oh you mean. Yeah.
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Dotcom bears patriation McWatters prescription products require an only consultation with the health care provider, who will determine if a petition is appropriate to supply suicide videos and important safety information. Remember, that forms icons like bears. I mean, it's funny. I always think about that. I told the story before, and this is this is if you go to the old episode of Charlie Murphy appearing on Rogen, I, I told Rogen, ask him this because this was so funny to me.
So I had dinner with Charlie one time after, like when I first met Joe and met them on this tour.
And Charlie took me to dinner, took me out to sushi.
And at one point he looks up at TV and he goes, Do you think Oscar de la Hoya could wipe your ass? I was like, fuck, yeah.
What are you talking about? He's like he's like, I know, right? And I was like, definitely he's a world champion talking about like, oh, you wouldn't even know what happened.
It was so fast. Oh yeah. Because the speed is really what get you, you just feel like and you just be like out.
He was like, yeah, because Johnny Gill thinks he can possess those things.
Like you think an RB singer can whup Oscar de la Hoya's ass. But the whole point of that conversation to me was like trying to compare a trained person versus someone who's not like a citizen, even the same fucking world man.
We're not in the same stratosphere, you know, like you and I fighting each other is one thing. Like we're too basically untrained guys you throw in like somebody with a decade or more of fight training.
It's not it's literally try to compare like a guy on the street who's like, I'm funny to like a seasoned comedian. You're like you've no idea how this is going to go. Man.
When that kid wiped the blood off his face, smile his brother, and then wiped it on that kid's face immediately went for combo like just right away.
That's when you realize, oh, that kid's super comfortable in this. Yeah. This is like anyway, right? He went right there.
No, he knew exactly who was doing. And I'm not I can't I don't know the whole thing, but I assume that I assume based on knowing Joe and knowing cage fighters. Yeah. Personally that that kid definitely. Something happened to him for him to get there, and I don't know, I'm I'm just saying that's a speculation. But like I just said, there's blood on his face. I don't know where that came from. Yeah. And I'm certain it wasn't, you know, like he had a nosebleed.
They were making fun of him. And then he was like, guys don't make fun of my nosebleed yet.
I mean, just I mean, it's I feel I feel bad for both those kids. And that's where I went. Like I kept. The comments are horrific. I mean, the I'm reading the comments and it's like that's what you get, bitch, lose your eye and you're like, no, that kind of shit.
Like, no man.
But I would love to know how this thing started that we got to we got to be able to find. Is there no like right up about it. Like when you put like when you see the article, does it say go to like if you scroll like does it say go to unnecessary roughness is that is go to that video. He tells the story for him to get the fuck OK. Jones is on the left. He tells the story to do it in front of him to get the fuck out of here before a man behind Jones shoves the guy.
OK, so he did tell them. But you also don't know if he's saying get the fuck out of here because the guy said something or did something first, right? Yeah. Yeah. You know, someone being like, hey, asshole, you know, I get the fuck out of here, man.
Who? It's interesting, I have deescalated fights and I do it a lot differently. The insert took place at Norman Loki's On the corner, a campus corner bar. Um, video of the incident began circulating. You know what?
I'm a big bar guy. Get the number for Norman Loki's. Call them up, see if they know who I am and see if we can get an incident breakdown. Did they say any more underneath Eterno? I guarantee you there's a bartender at Norman Logan who knows who I am, I almost guarantee it. I'm a big bar guy. Go to OK, do me a favor of the duck screw up. This is an interesting no, no, no.
What the fuck did I just did it, man. Go back, go to that video on Twitter, scroll, scroll, scroll, go to that video on Twitter and now look for go to that video. And then his brother replies, see if his brother's written another reply in the unnecessary roughness. Right. He replies under it and says, I am the guy who in question. OK, click on the actual video itself, then you I mean, click on.
Yeah, open that one down below it. There must have been a lot of. Yeah, you would think, though, that his would have high traffic, you know, it does you can find you do a little research, you can find the video on the.
Oh, Jesus. Jesus, man, I got my every guy watching this should realize you can be your very seldomly going to be that MMR fighter who mounts someone on a urinal. You're definitely going to be the guy that loses his fucking eye. Right. And and identify that situation and go, how how do I how do I de-escalate because. Mm, park, that that just that kind of shit makes me so glad I didn't have a boy. Jesus Christ, I got two of them.
Yeah, because, you know, that was that. What are those cowboy boots. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that man, I mean. You've been in a bar fight? Yeah, yeah, I got one in the one in college that got gnarly and really? Yeah, and I didn't even know that these three guys that started this fight. I didn't know that. The half the football team was at this bar, and as we got into it with these three guys, all of a sudden there were a bunch of like six six three hundred pound guys.
That had our back because they all knew us, because we were. Oh yeah, and like, oh, I've never seen people I've met. People aren't. I mean, this was like they let, like, rhinos out of a cage, you know, like I was like, oh, well, I was like, all right, thanks, guys.
Like they just like, yeah, dude, people got arrested. Holy shit. Yeah, that's fucking gnarly, man. That kid is going to go to jail. Yeah, he is going to be there all his life. Is is that made for our kid's life is. Probably taking a turn for the worse for the rest of his life and his brother most certainly will go to jail, but he the upside is they will flex hard in prison for the next couple of decades.
They're not getting forthwith now. They are not getting fucked with.
Hey, did you see first of all, do you know who the baby is?
The baby baby. The baby. The baby, the rapper. Yeah.
Yeah, he's fucking awesome. OK, dude, he's like I just found him the other day. Yeah. He did a video where like they all dance in the street. I just found it and I was like it's got like three hundred and eighty million views.
I was like, I just hear about this guy. Yeah. Yeah. There's so many does and Lil's out there. It's kind of hard to keep up. It gets really confusing.
They just released. Released Bobby Shimoda. Yeah, I know Chmela. And by the way, they had a picture of Bobby seven years.
He did. He was seven years. So what how old is Bobby Murda. I love that name. That's a great name. Twenty six he's been in since he was a teenager. He's going to like I don't mean this, I don't mean this. I hope this comes out correct. But he's 100 percent going back. They have him.
They have him on three years parole. OK, how the fuck? No, no, this is my point. About like what happened to Meek Mill or. Yeah, yeah. Meek Mill. Yeah.
Did he, didn't he do seven years or am I wrong. Maybe he did less. He might have done less because he earned an early release. Yeah. And they're making him serve out the rest on parole. And this is what's wrong with the justice system is that they don't do that. That doesn't happen to everyone that happens to that's what happened to Meek Mill. And that's why Meek Mill kept going back to jail because he wasn't even doing anything right.
One time he was riding a motorcycle in front of his friend's house.
Yeah. And they're coalminer's on a parole violation. A parole violation. You go back. And so that's what sucks is is I'm just saying and I don't mean I don't I'm just being matter of fact about it. Is Bobby smarter is on fucking when does he get off parole in twenty, twenty six. There's no way I could not keep my nose clean. And I am a 48 year old man who doesn't fuck around. But I would go back to jail.
I mean, it's so easy to break parole.
Well you would, you would violate filing a fucking heartbeat. You violate like the alcohol thing immediately. You can't drink alcohol.
Well, sometimes you can't. Well, let's hope fucking white bitches on a jet isn't one of his parole violations because there were three really was interesting, I guess. I guess he's kind of missed the whole Black Lives Matter things in prison because he got on a jet with three white. Oh, that's good.
I don't mean to call you young lady. Can we can we see your baby face?
But you're on a private jet with Bobby when he gets out of jail. Yeah. You guys are like, well, there's a reason they picked those three.
Like, they like this guy has been locked up and they're like, I'll fucking make it worth his while, you know, if they're not there for their conversation.
Oh, my goodness. By the way, you know that someone's going to fucking this is what's wrong with a hot take these days, as you say, that, you know, someone's going to go first of all, they're Clive Owen's granddaughters and they're the one that he rented the jet for them and they're the reason they were on that. I read the comments under that fucking hilarious. Are you going to look something else?
Bobby's murder gets off a plane. That's your search. Oh, Jesus Christ, man.
It's good to be back. Just type in, Bobby Smart on, on and on Twitter, man.
By the way, him dancing in that video makes me so fucking happy. Is it here, doesn't it?
No, it's just I in Bobby Squirter, on Instagram, on Instagram and Twitter, Twitter, Twitter, Twitter, Twitter. But just search Bobby Shmita, like go to Twitter. Search of Bobby Shmita, not him persay. Right. Just a search.
Type it in the search. There you go. Yeah.
Sorry, Nadaf. I know the picture so well. OK, see him right there. Keep going. Scroll. You want the picture. You want the picture. You want the picture, by the way, very responsible. They're all wearing masks. And in a beautiful moment with his mom, he talked to his mom right when he got out of prison.
Know they're getting off. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's not the picture. But the bovo is there. Yeah, I've seen all of these. OK, all right. Sorry. Keep going. Scroll, scroll, scroll. You're looking for a photo. That's his mom saying hi to him. You want what you want is that's definitely not them. Keep going. What you want to see is a picture with three white chicks, Bobby Shimada and his and I think Toivo Claver quaver and they're holding briefcases.
That's a picture going. I think we might be scrolling for a while here, man. I found it right away, but what's crazy is at the picture. Yeah, for me was I saw it and I just had like a knee jerk reaction as I looked at it. And I was like, you're like three White House. There we go. There we go. Keep going. Keep going. That's it. All right. Here. Yeah.
So, yeah, yeah.
There's definitely a reason those three were picked. Maybe they work. The make up counter at Bloomingdale's was a smart ticket. OK, murder ticket. I want to get one of those is going back immediately.
I wanted to this I go you don't listen to anyone. This story right now first of all, hit me hard your second.
You got to stop with the murder kits.
Everything, everything in there. I can't believe everything in the kit is a violation.
What would you what would you put in this murder kit for me if I got out of prison? A krischer kit. I mean, label made vodka. Rogelio's Rogaine.
Hatsune Oh, there we go.
Oh, shit. The hat came off. Here you go, put my Rogaine in. So I keep these luscious locks. Wait, why don't you do a hair follicle like replacement? I was thinking about it, Linda doesn't want me to lie because she got fucking Invisalign.
OK, for the teeth, yeah, and fucking Invisalign, but I know she's 50, what the fuck, if she's getting cosmetic surgery 50, she's going to fix her fucking teeth.
What do you want to fix? Things that people won't really even look at her teeth get just a huge tits, just huge, huge shit.
Yeah, just fucking massive I could play with for fucking non-stop. Yeah, I want you to do that. Oh, you Invisalign.
I told Christine I wanted to get a nose ring. Really?
Yeah, because I know every time I see a girl with one of my dick leaks, I was like, it would be bad ass.
Like when you see a chick with those nipple bars. Yeah. I think that's a little aggressive for a happy 50. But but you know what?
You know what's crazy is. I remember I remember being, you know, each day, by the way, make an appointment with a cosmetic surgeon, tell her, hey, we got something special today, just drive her to the appointment, be like, all right, how big can you go?
And she's like, what the fuck are we doing here? I had a joke about LeAnn getting into a motorcycle accident where a motorcycle hit her. She wasn't on it, but it hit her. And she was in a coma. And I was trying to work. This is a bit and they were like it was really aggressive.
People really like sometimes you'll write a joke and you'll say it a bunch, like a bunch. And then someone will be like, hey, just you know, that's super offensive. And you're like, I've been saying it for a year to everyone.
Yeah, the the guy. What was the fucking joke? I don't remember any of my bits. Well, I had the same thing where it's like if I joke about you or Christina, there's like a window that it's funny in. And then if I if I do it like to mean about either of you, people are like, that's not a joke like that. Your friend like them fucking joking. Yeah. I'm on stage like so I have to like I've noticed I do that but again I do it by the end of the girls.
I make pretty aggressive jokes about them. Like I say, horrible thing. Oh my God. I open with the most horrible thing now like it's all about just people. I care about dying.
But is it worse than a hatchet to the guy?
OK, I can't believe we haven't gotten to it yet.
We got to talk about this amazing thing happened. Amazing. I love that I got to call you and I got to see your face and that I that you hadn't known yet. But I got notified. I was in Florida. I was doing shows. Thank you to everybody that came out to the Palm Beach Improv because it really was is just what I needed, man. But then I get this notification that Jennifer Aniston reposted or posted in her stories, the first safety, you know, about about meeting her, that bit that was like kind of a big bit up from the show where I made up a story about meeting her.
And you didn't know I was making it up. Yeah. And then afterwards we discussed, you know, can we meet her and what would you do? And then you ask, like, can she bring a dude? And I go for safety.
So I was the by the way, this show is the hardest I've ever laughed consecutively. Consistently. Yeah. This show me too. And that one moment might be that, but it's the hardest I've ever lived because it was random that I obviously picked her to tell the story about.
And we always were like, I wonder if she'll ever see it, because it's kind of your hope, you know?
So we reach out to people like Jennifer Aniston and everyone's like, no, no, of course not.
But then she did see it and she did post it and then she deemed us.
And then since then, like, my inbox was fucking flooded for like two days with, like, just people. And then I keep getting calls from people, like asking me to explain. Like people go, I got a call from someone who I don't regularly talk to who was like, can you explain this?
Can you explain the Jennifer Aniston thing to me? I'm trying to I'm trying to understand it. And then another person did that actually to like pretty famous people. Really?
Yeah, I it's come up in every meeting I've had, really. I have had, I've had. Yeah. Well I had three meetings yesterday and probably three on Monday and every single person was like, hold on. Jennifer Aniston. Yeah. Reposted you because Jennifer Aniston is like the number one Instagram. How many followers did you get from that. Do you know.
I don't know. I mean how many have I got.
She has thirty six million followers and I didn't get enough in my opinion.
Yeah. I got to be honest with you, I don't think I'm on Brand with her audience. I don't think anyone wants that in there like this guy. These guys are hilarious. Let's follow them. So I have one point six million followers the day she reposted. Yeah, I got 2000 followers, which is a lot for the boy for the day, but it's been 20 every day since. There you go. Everyone has brought it up to me.
And it was. And it. It makes you like it puts in perspective. Like when you do when you share someone's video that they do about you that makes you laugh or the fact that, like, you know, Mr. Clavicle or Chase Libbard, all these people that we that we know now know kind of. But like the first time they do it and we repost it and they go out there like, oh, shit, yeah. They're talking about me on two bars, one cave or whatever.
Yeah, but. You realize that it's not like a you're also a regular person, you like to laugh? Yeah, she's a regular person. But is Jennifer Aniston. Yeah. Like, how do you get into that phone?
Like, I bet she doesn't even have like a I bet she's got a phone number that her assistant knows, of course. And no one else. Of course. No one.
She probably has like three bad phones, like just one for, you know, people like us and, you know, another one to give to production people.
Another, you know, I mean, it's probably there's layers of because she's so she's internationally iconic, you know. Yeah.
And by the way, what I what my my what my takeaway was, was I've had two moments like this.
Where? Your tits get loose and you're like, whoa, what the fuck? It was the Rock and Jennifer Aniston, that's when your tits got loose.
When I when I just like, wait, it's like almost like everything's possible. Yeah. Like the fact that they saw something that we did. Yeah. I just to me it blew me away. I mean I did like a video of when she deemed me. And by the way, I'm supposed to be a cool guy and I'm not. Are you are.
You're the coolest guy I got the diamonds was like was I know I couldn't believe, I couldn't believe it. It took me like a minute to figure out how to reply to someone like Jennifer Aniston.
Can I tell you something? The first first time, you know, in my life I was in the green room and I was sitting with people and I go, oh, Anderson just deemed me. So I started typing back. And at the same time, two of them were like, think about what you're writing back.
Oh, I know what they're like.
Don't just fucking send that man. What are you writing back to me? I was like, what do you mean?
I got I got my my initial response. I got it got pulled. What do you mean? I was going to write it and I wrote it and I said maybe I should let LeAnn and the girls look at it. And they were like, do not send that really. And I was like, I think it's funny. And they're like, it's not funny that it's Jennifer Aniston. Yeah. That just say thank you. And I was like, real.
And they're like, are you being fucking serious?
My initial response was new phone who dis I thought it would be. Yeah. And but then it's Instagram so it's like yeah she'd been like, oh I get it. Yeah.
So I just wrote back like what she said, what did she say to you, Hey, darling Bird, you're you are truly the greatest comeback in darling Burt, dearest, dearest, dear.
I just want you to know that you made my day. I was having a very rough day. Your laughter is contagious. Don't listen to anyone that ever says that you love your own jokes and it's annoying.
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What you want to know something really crazy, right? I saw some guy that morning, some guy just shitting on me, just totally shitting on me.
That morning, this fucking really honestly, I should have just looked at his who he is and what he does and the way he dresses in his reaction videos that he made the creates no original content, just watches our podcasts or other podcasts and then trashes people that he feels that he wishes he was, you know, like he's not going to trash like you or BRX or Rogan. But anyone who sit in that because he's like he's like, gotcha. I see myself as but really thinks he really is is the guy the fucking me.
So and he is watching what. Your stand up. What. Just watching me talk on a podcast and he's just trashing me just really aggressively.
That's a it's such an interesting lane to to react. But your thing is to post negative reactions. It's kind of strange. I almost want to show you who he is.
So you look at this. I think you saw this guy. You'd go, OK, why would you ever listen to a guy like that? Yeah, I'm sure the second you saw this guy and so I but I saw the video and I was like I was like and I thought it was going to be positive. And I looked at it and I was like, oh, fuck, this is horrible. And I was like, oh. And then I start getting in my head about it.
And I'm like. Am I, like, really kind of obsessed you haven't been on stage, you don't really have any quality of art that you're putting out at the time everything's on Instagram and I and I've been trying to, like, wean myself off my stories, except for Thursday nights when the big show airs at nine o'clock.
You've been trying to wean yourself off of making stories, making stories seem like way oversharing. I'm way oversharing. And I want it to be interesting. I don't want it to be just like I'm at the dentist. I broke my tooth for the fucking tenth time, you know, where I go, where some stuff is interesting, some stuff is. And I just want to I just was like, I'm going to it's almost like Roy Choi went vegan for a period because he was eating so much meat.
He was on so many plates. He wanted to, like, reset his palate. Yeah. So for me, I was like, I'm going to reset my palate a little bit with my Instagram stories and just. Find choice times, sometimes with interesting stories, I noticed that people's ego flexes and you're like like, oh, I don't I don't want to be a part of that. Like, I don't I'm not going to show you, like, when they show off, like when they like.
By the way, I'm sorry if you are my friend and I know that you're my friend out there and you do this and I know that I'm not talking about you about the other comics, but when they set up their phone and hit record and then you watch them do crunches, I'm like, I didn't need to do that. Right. Or like. And but it's like. And so and I was about to do that.
I was about to go like someone caught me doing deadlifts.
And then I'm like, Why what? And that's when I caught myself. I was doing deadlifts holborow. OK Nidaa right down. Right down. Work out stuff. Hold on.
Oh but also I want you to know that I, I have asked Jenn to meet up. You did not. I did. And one. No, no. But guess what? I'm going to keep Messager every single night. Hey, Jen, it's me again. I noticed you didn't reply. I think we're going to meet up. I think it's possible. OK, let's talk about scenarios. Where like, what could we do with the meetup?
OK, I'll be I'll be Jan Burton. Tom OK. OK, OK. That video was hilarious, that really was hilarious, the idea that you guys would want me to have a guy for safety and you guys laughing at it made it so much better.
OK, Tom, stop doing it. So, like, would you guys like to do something?
I mean, we should do something like a funny video. What would you guys want to do?
Oh, yeah. Let's do, um, I think we should do a video of us having the greatest date ever, the threesome. OK, I'm super busy.
Yeah. So if you can scale that down, OK, I brought a photographer, let's just take some photos together and I will make it like playful. OK, I don't usually do that without hair and makeup like full hair and makeup. Oh yeah. They're here because they come with you everywhere you go.
Oh OK. You're really getting like on top of me on it.
Why don't you back the fuck down a little bit.
We OK, what if we do a video where we just go all we want to do is go to your house, knock on the door, you open the door and just go, it's very nice meeting you and shut the door. I bet we get that out of. Again, that's saying like we're coming to your house. God damn it, yeah, we got to find neutral territory. Yeah, we do. And also territory where somebody that famous is like, yeah, that's a cool place for me to go.
What's Hooser? Agent Pantano. I bet you would. Brillstein Great. No idea. I'm sure it's not that hard to find out, though. Yeah, we'll find out. We'll find out anyway, but honestly, it was awesome.
So thank you. So fucking awesome. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Jennifer Aniston. That was very sweet. Or I was a blast. And I can't wait. I can't wait to meet her. It's going to happen. It's going to happen, I promise, we all we are like, oh, by the way, putt putt putt, secret handshake, we need to come up with the two bare secret handshake.
We should kiss her hand when we meet her, just like, oh, definitely. We just want to go.
And then we get down on the ground recycling, uh like start praying to her. I bet I could have an anxiety attack. Start crying if you meet her. I bet I could. I work myself up. Taking a lateral look, please do that, she could you know, she could totally if you did that, I would bond with her so much, I'd be like, I'm so sorry.
What if what if she calls and she goes, hey, do you guys want to go skydiving? No, I'd be like I'd be like, Berta's out of my great.
I'm going skydiving. Yeah. Oh, it's got be with Rachael Ray. They did. Yeah, that's kind of crazy. Yeah, yeah, she was so sweet. Yeah, fucking panicking my ass off. You have a crush on her. RACHEL Yeah. Yeah, kind of.
But like like like a regular one, like like, you know, that should be a fucking blast to live with, like to be married to.
And she's a great fucking cook and she's adorable. Yeah.
Yeah. I think you also kind of looks like LeAnn a little bit but her teeth are straighter. Hence the Invisalign. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, wait, tell me about your deadlifts. How often are you doing them?
So I'm working out four days a week. Nice Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday. OK. The I absolutely love this working out, so I don't know what it is, I couldn't I couldn't explain it because it's not Crosthwaite and it's not powerlifting, but like we do, I like to do I did my workout was I did a thousand ro a thousand meter row as a warm up than I did 20 deadlifts, 20 applying for 20 seconds. So just keep going.
And he loves playing for 20 seconds, 20 deadlifts playing with like a thirty five pound forty five pound kettlebell or something. Yeah. And then I did and then I held forty five pound weights for a minute, four times. Just sat like a static hold and my um my fucking hands were on fire and then I closed out with a I do these sprints on the rowing machine where it's like twenty seconds on, ten seconds off, twenty seconds on sprint ten seconds rest.
And I was fucking gassed and I love it because no workout is the same. Like one day we went in and did a straight up chest. We did, you know, press incline and flies and, and, and I it's just like.
There is a little bit of like I can feel a little bit of white privilege I get at times because I was doing the hammer on to the tire, you know, and there were actually dudes using a hammer to break up concrete behind me. And I was paying them to do that.
And I thought, this is a little weird, OK? I said I did not know where you're going with that. I'm having issues. I'm having issues because I'm doing it. I'm doing it at ah at the new place we're having. And so people are working and that I'm lifting sandbags and they're actually moving concrete. I'm like, this house seems weird that I'm paying someone to get me to move something and I'm paying them to logit. I should just go help them and then not work out at all because of money.
But it's I love it. I really do love it. That's great, man. You can't even say what it's for. When do you get to say what it's for. Never. Never think so. Why? Just because what I saw was what I was told was this is a secret. I think so. OK, yeah. And I'm the only one that knows your secret. Yeah. You and Joe Jesus. I was going to get on a cycle of steroids and I needed Joe's advice.
On what, like Winstrol and you're on steroids.
I'm kidding. You don't think I didn't think about it, Tommy? Oh, I don't think I didn't think about it. All we need is Bert on Royds. Dude, I could I'm running fast as fuck right now, too, like my so my glutes don't fire.
I have no glutes, my glutes.
And I think if you look at that video we shot in the shower, you can definitely go berserk. Got no glutes like. I don't think so. My ass kind of collapses a little bit now.
Used to be better. I think you have a pretty nice but like I can't do the thing. Let's just ended on that. Thank you Tommy. I do.
I do. I can't do that. I think I'm comparing it to mine so. Oh my God.
Brenda, speaking of your ass and leg, Tiger Woods. Segway, so, yes, not too long ago, a few days ago, Tiger was in a single car accident in Palos Verdes, which is just south of Los Angeles. It's it's really if you've never been down there, it's a really, really beautiful area.
It's on the coast in Palos Verdes. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
That's like if you look up the resort, Terania, that's that area.
I've been there now. Yeah, I've been to turn and that's where that's where it is. So he was coming over one of those bizzell those hills are it's a very windy it's like it's all coastline, but it's these beautiful, windy roads.
So it's right down in that state attorney. That is the driver. Yeah. The drive is incredible when you go when you are headed towards there. Fuck my wife.
Just kind of a weekend at at fucking fuck. My wife got us a weekend in San Diego to spend the girls like to, you know, stay in a hotel.
Yeah, I love hearing attorneys. The attorney is fucking amazing. Yeah.
So, yeah. So so, Tiger, do you know what happened? Because I told you I was going to look at you. Let me tell you, because my reading comprehension isn't amazing, isn't amazing. It is not OK. So because I have a problem with that, like I'll read something on that label and be like that's not what they were saying at all. Right, here's what I got. His gas foot, his right foot and leg were forced from the fibula.
He broke the fibula twice, tibia, tibia to know the one in your leg is tubular. This is a tibia. This the tabula, OK. Am I not right about that? I don't think so. Tibia seems like it would be in your arm. No fibula. He broke his hip. He broke his shin. OK, which is it? There's a fibular where where's the fibular? That's what you broke. No, you know, numerous ironic in my arm, ironically, and I'm still pretty funny.
And then I broke my wrist, but apparently hasn't stopped by South Sudan.
It, um. Well, you mean to read what would actually happen and then and then he fucked up his foot. So what they did is they had to put a pin in his foot, a rod in his leg.
And here's now here's the interesting thing. Yeah, it broke skin, which is, as we both know, is bad news. Yeah. It's a compound fracture. No, no, no. It is a it's not a it's not called compound fracture. When it pierces the skin, they use a different word. OK, you might want to read that word, OK, but it was not compound. I thought I was waiting for them. They compound it was a something other kind of fracture, but it says this means that it broke skin.
Hmm. I've always thought that was a compound fracture.
I mean, to what is a compound fracture. Let's see here. Open fracture. Compound fracture.
Oh, no, no. They use something to use another word. Maybe it was compound. All right. Go back and read it. Reread what they said, read what he said.
By the way, I hope this is his right leg in reading it. OK, here's a match. Here's what was released.
This is the OK.
Mr. Woods suffered significant orthopedic injuries to his right lower extremity. They were treated during emergency surgery by orthopedic trauma specialists at Harbor UCLA Medical Center, a level one trauma center. Uh, what does this say?
They're what? Communities open fractures that communities can you scroll comminuted, comminuted, comminuted? OK, that's a open fracture. So, yeah, that's what it was. Open fractures affecting both the upper and lower portions of the tibia and fibula. Bones were stabilized, but by inserting a rod into the tibia, additional injuries to the bones of the foot and ankle were stabilized with a combination of screws and pins, trauma to the muscle and soft tissue of the leg required surgical release and recovery of the muscles to, yeah, to relieve pressure due to the swelling.
That is the chief medical officer, Dr. Ornish Mahajan is a guy by the I don't even know what that guy looks like, but by that name, I want him operating immediately.
Yeah, he is currently awake, responsive, recovering in his hospital room. OK, there are no further updates. So, yeah, he had severe orthopedic injuries to his right leg.
We alone like a single car, actually like that thing, you know, high center of gravity in those SUVs.
And if you've ever taken a concern, what kind of car was it? I think it was a kiya.
It's a it's a Hyundai. Hyundai. It's a new Hyundai was from it's a sponsor of his.
I don't think they're going to move a lot of units after this, but it's it's a new vehicle pulling up the picture of I want to see what it's not what it looked like after the wreck, but I want to see what type of car that was.
Yeah, I feel like it's called it's because it's interesting.
Before the accident, I would have been like, good enough for Tiger, good enough for me after the accident. I was like, that's why you drive a Range Rover. There it is, um. That's not it. Is that him? He looks great. Yeah, he's he's super Jacquemin. He is jacked. There it is. And he just underwent back surgery, 80 Gen. GVV 80.
He just wanted to win back surgery in December. So immediately, what's interesting is a number of surgeries.
And, you know, he's like he's one of those guys where he actually creates so much talk. Yeah.
With his swing that he can hurt himself when he does feel like he had to strengthen core muscles so that the talk of his swing doesn't damage him more.
My trainer said that she has to be careful with me. Yeah. Because I generate talk, yeah, a lot of talk. Bo Jackson, Tiger, Bert, Bo Jackson, Tiger Bird, yes, I you know, it's what's interesting is in reading it like it's almost like the news was trying to sell you a storyline. There were like investigators looked for the smell of alcohol. And I was just going like he got an accident. Right? Like he definitely had an accident.
Well, yeah, he's going to the hospital. But I mean, they're like they don't know if drugs were in his system. And you're like or also seven, 45 in the morning. He got an accident like and then they're like. But the smell, he was responsive, but he was definitely in shock.
And I'm just like, I wonder how long he laid there with those injuries before he's you know, I mean, because, like, he goes over a neighbor reports it. But I'm saying is he said and they had to use jaws of life.
No, not just life. No, that was mis mis misreported. Yeah. It was just a crowbar and the pull them out the window, could they put them all airbags deployed.
But imagine when you get pulled out and your shit's all broken like like how painful that must be. I don't know. I'm asking. Yeah it is. I mean like I remember.
Coming home like a lunatic from the first hospital and you guys helping me to that couch and everything's fresh, broken, I mean, that was just getting you from that.
And by the way, they moved him out of that. They they probably the equivalent of us getting you from your car to that couch was probably almost is it so then and so and I think if I'm not mistaken, he has admittedly had a problem with prescription pills. He has.
And he I mean, he had that DUI. And, you know, that's probably why a lot of people were like, oh, did he get fucked up again, 745 in the morning.
My brain goes too late in the morning to still be fucked up.
I don't know. He was just playing golf with tennis with David Spade the day before, the day before, the day before, David Spade had a picture on his Instagram of him and Tiger on a golf cart. And it was like eight hours before he posted it, eight hours before the accident.
Oh, yeah. I'm a big I'm such a big Tiger fan that stuff like this. I don't understand how people see the potential in the hero in this like Reigo.
I just I get excited and I go the comeback man. Well, yeah, because the comeback has been awesome so far.
And listen, he's going to rebound for that and watched you. Yeah. You're you're I think some people fall apart during this and some people excel. Yeah. And I and I definitely would be the fall apart guy by being tigers and accelerate and I.
What can we do to help him get through? Like what can we do, how do we offer our services and possibly like a friendship.
I wish I could contact him to just give him the best physical therapist.
You're going to say the best physical massage.
I will massage you if you think do you think he you know, he's got the best physical therapist. No, I do. You do. I really do. Really.
I mean, I have two royal families fly over for real NBA all stars use for the rehab. They're like like the best.
Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if she gets the call, if she if I, I'll see her today and I wouldn't be surprised if she's like I guess what she would actually say that. But I like what Tiger Woods now she's not, she's not you know, she have the problem.
But I'm sure that that her phone is going to ring. I mean, how can what can we do as someone who is injured? How can we apply our services to lighten his mood in this time of need?
I mean, the best thing we could do is try to make him a video, send it to him, you know, for real. Yeah, OK. Hey, Tiger, we know you're down no more sars-cov-2 or something like, uh, so and maybe not like you were in his shoes. Right. So, like, how like what would you what would have made you giggle.
Um, you know, I think like genuinely like I don't think he wants us to video ourselves at his house, you know. Oh, there's nothing you can do about this right now.
But I feel like you can. Yeah, I don't mean that. Like that stuff wouldn't work. Yeah. Yeah.
But I think, you know, it's the equivalent, the equivalent of the Aniston video is what he needs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's about by the time I met Tiger Woods, a lot of people used to laugh at me when I drink wine on a treadmill and think, Burt, you're not being healthy, all those calories are just killing themselves out. Well, guess what, if you run fast enough while you're drinking wine on the bar, on the treadmill, you're killing calories. I absolutely love it. Vine. I got on the treadmill the other night. End of the day, I'm not saying I'm drinking the whole bottle.
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He posted a video once. Yes, this is real because they did a let's see if we can hear it. All right. I want to hear it. Hold on. Can we play it? Yeah, we can play it because it's them talking, you know. Hello. Hello. So what happened was this was for the Tiger Woods has a really successful, you know, video game. Yeah. Are you can me, Steve and Ari.
So, you know, I addressed by my iPod, I was obsessed with Tiger Woods golf. I was obsessed with it. I had it on my PlayStation two, my PSP. I don't want everything. Yeah, but I always dress my character as to look like Patrice because the first time I played and I think on a PSP or on when I was with Patrice Patrice play golf. No, I know that's a big not I don't I don't know the answer, but I can almost bet my house on.
No, really. Yeah. Why. Because I he didn't look like a golfer. Actually I know he didn't because we and boss played golf in Scotland together and he didn't he doesn't need to go nor show any interest who played me and boss which was. Oh yeah. And he really plays he you and he's a great golfer. Yeah. Yeah.
So I played, I played Tiger Woods golf in front of I think it was if I'm not mistaken, we were playing, I was playing in Scotland and I was setting up my character. And as I was setting up I'm sitting next to Patrice and I just made it look like Patrice and I kept making him fatter. Yeah, but I gave him an afro. Patrice was like, bitch, you didn't say bitch. Yeah. And so I always made my golf characters look like Patrice.
Just it made me giggle. Right. So ever so one time I'm playing Tiger Woods at my house and two black people walk in our house at our old apartment and I have it. All I just have is this big fat black guy on the screen. I'm playing him as a golfer. And it just did not read. Right. Really? Yeah. They were just like, what? What's that? I was like, oh, it's Tiger Woods and I like that.
Don't look like Tiger Woods. I go, Oh, that's me. And they're like, that doesn't look like you. And I was like, it's actually Petrie's. But no one knew who Patrice was at the time.
And who's that? And you're like, It's your uncle. Let me play my fucking video game. Wait, let me hear Ari.
So this is the thing they are Ari and Steve were hired to be some type of talent, either promotionally or for a commercial for Tiger Woods golf.
And they hung out with him all day.
And, yeah, Ari has a pretty good story, but this is a clip of them playing. And I think the audio is them talking as they're playing this. He held on to it for a while. It's real.
OK, what would you do here? I just ask Amy, right. The middle of the street right there, the lower also the military. BODROG All right. That's what you need to do, right? He's telling you what to do. Oh, that's right.
In the middle of the trees or the sand. Oh. Oh, that's awful. Stop, stop, stop, get there. I'm just trying to help you out. Tiger Woods, PGA Tour. Oh, yeah, that's real. That's real. Yeah, that's fantastic. Yeah. Young man voice I know does not sound like him. Ari has told me the story about some other words he said to.
It's pretty good really. Yeah. So. Oh so that's just the day you're just the guy shooting the shit with the commercial.
No, no, no. That's that's not the commercial. That is from the day that they're doing the commercial and they're hanging out.
And Ari had got that like from whoever was shot it and he just kept it and then he put it on his Instagram. I don't know, maybe like when Tiger won the Masters or something more recent.
He's like, I held onto this for like eight years and then he posted it. But it's. Yeah, that's real. I would like to do I see the problem is that Tiger sober? That's the problem. Yeah, I'd like to have some scones with them, you know, a scotch and cigar, maybe you could break them. You know, I would love that as a TV show off the wagon with Burt Krischer. Oh, my God.
You take celebrities who have been sober like the first ones, Ben Affleck. Are you being real popular? I saw him a couple weeks ago. No. Yup. Where? At the coffee shop I go to. Do you say anything now? It was right before he broke up with his girl and she was with him.
It's funny what I do and don't follow like I follow Barbie murder, but I don't follow Ben. Like, I don't know what's going on in his life. I mean, I just happened.
I mean, first of all, it's funny because I was wondering how somebody could recognize me recently with a mask on, because it happens quite frequently.
Happens to me a lot. Can I tell you, I had a great shout out to whoever you are. I don't know who you are. I was I walked out of my house the other day, Sunday morning, hungover. I was giggly and I was in like like pajama pants, shorts, no shirt. And I take my dogs out to the front yard and the guy just driving down the street goes, Hey, Burt.
And I said, yeah, he goes looking skinny, my man. And I went, That is how you start. I thought I was just a fan.
Yes. Like, Oh, cool. My like, he knows where we live. Everyone knows.
Yeah. That's what you want. Um I yeah. I have it all the time you know, like pretty frequently where masked up even sunglasses on and someone's like hey Tom you're like how do you. But then here's the thing. So I mean I always go like how do you recognize me. Like how, how is that possible. Yeah. It's like all this is covered up.
But then as soon as I saw him with a mask on, I was like, oh, there's been like a real oh immediately.
Like I looked up and I was like, Ben Affleck. I would get close enough to smell him.
I would definitely just giving you a heads up, Ben, if you see a guy sniffing here, it's me, I'm sure he'd be cool, but I would love to smell him.
Why do you ask? Follow suit.
Smells like the worst one. Nabatieh smells good, though. I bet he smells like soap.
Yeah, I bet he smoked cigarettes. Oh yeah. So maybe he's like, yeah, yeah.
That turns me off.
Oh Ben, are you trying to get Bert turned off or not. I want him to smell like on'em.
Smell like deodorant, Irish Spring deodorant. That's the deodorant like what I wear. And so I want him to smell like me. You want to smell like you. I go up my go. Is that me. Are you. And he goes, I don't know. You are Fiji. I go, I do. He's like both of us then. Yeah. And then he hugged me. That's a good time.
You have a good time with him. Why don't me and you do something with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.
Matt Damon, we can get connected to real. Yeah, let's do a buddy trip, OK? Let's do a buddy trip like what we what we do with the two of those guys.
What would you want to do, like Buddy Tripp fishing?
You know, maybe I feel like, first of all, they're going to be like, hey, guys like are we footing the bill for this thing? And we're like, well, most of it, most of it that we're not like bums, but what do we want to do with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon?
All right, number one, the trip is going to end with rehab for Ben because he's born in Hawaii, and I know that probably doesn't make you guys want to do the trip, but hear us out. The trip is going to be so much fun. I'll go to rehab with you. I'm going to rehab with you. But wait just to, like, be a companion. Yeah, I'll be like your sober buddy. But will you get sober?
I'll be your responsibility, buddy. Will you get sober?
Yeah, I'll get for. Rehab is. But what about when you get out of rehab. Yeah. I'm not going to be sober. No problem.
I go to rehab. I fucking love rehab. Yeah. I would love rehab. Rehab.
I always had like a white wine marijuana sativa rehab where you could have white was. Here's my rehab. I tell you what I know. I went to rehab once, right. No, I went to rehab for real after I owed. Yeah. They sent you to rehab. They did. It was terrible. It was terrible.
So I was like I was like I basically was like, you guys are fucking losers. Oh, yeah.
Oh, come on. You can't go to rehab the first. Go the first.
So they go they sent me for an evaluation because they're like, this guy just OD'd at nineteen and they send you to they sent me to like a really nice rehab place. And one of the first things to do is this group thing. And everyone's like, you know, I'm a drug addict and this and that. And then they got to me and I was like, I'm not like you guys.
And they were like, typical addict. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I got a party too hard. One night these guys were all like sucking dick for crack. And, you know, I was sleeping in a dumpster. I was like, yeah, nah, man, I'm in college. And I partied and I got real fucked up. And they were like, so I had all these, like, you know, meetings and and one on ones and group things.
And one of the one of the counselors when they were like, you know, finish your thing. And walking down the hall he goes, hey, come here. I'll tell you something. I go, well, he goes, if you can stay cool with, like weed and alcohol, you're fine.
And I was like, you work here is like he's like, seriously. He goes, I don't think that. And I go, OK, don't tell me what I told you that I go works for me.
I get it for you suck my dick. And then you're like also your dick. You got a problem. That was the test.
I had a I had a roommate and a roommate at this place. Yeah. I was like, what are you in here for, man. He was like alcohol. I was like, yeah, you got a real problem.
Yeah. Was like I guess what was your drink.
He goes, Gin. I go, what were you drinking. He was like about a gallon a day.
I was like, oh see I want to fix, I want to, I like it. Bums me out. OK, I'll tell you what. All right, let's repitch it. Hey Ben. Matt, I will be sober for the whole trip for our buddy trip. But it's got to be something fun that you don't makes you not want to drink.
And also it should probably be like, here's a bus, let's go biking through the Alps. I think that it's got to be something they haven't done, they probably done a lot if I wild shit, we were I was doing a sibling rivalry. Yeah. With Oliver's Oliver Stone. Oliver and Kate Hudson. Yeah. And with my sisters. Yeah. And they do like this power round at the end of like questions they ask you, you know, if you could take one thing from one of your.
And then I said, hey, here's a question and we'll answer it. You guys answer it, then we'll answer it. And I was like, if you could go back, if you go to heaven and they say heaven is you get one vacation that you one family vacation with your family for the rest of your life, you get to be in that vacation. What would that vacation be? And my sisters and I were thinking about our vacations that we've had.
Like we went to Blowing Rock one time. We drove to Blowing Rock, we drove to the Keys. But we had one in Orlando where we never left the hotel. And everyone at Disney World was like our favorite. And I go, what were yours and Kate Hudson's like? And by the way, I'm not telling stories at the school. She told us on her podcast. Yeah. Sibling rivalry or an Oliver. Check it out. She goes.
Probably that time we biked through the Alps. And I'm like, both my sisters are like, all right, don't hear stories like that.
Goulder like we were like fifteen and fourteen and we were driving through the biking through the Alps and we were stopping and getting wine and I'm thinking and they're with their with fucking Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell saw them the other day. Neutered. Yeah.
Same place Parool. Same place. Where is this coffee shop. It's pretty baller where I live now.
There's no one at my coffee shop. Yeah no I think I'm the biggest famous person.
I'm like, oh I've been there. I know, I know. I think I might be the most famous person in my coffee shop. My coffee shop sucks.
Dick. Yeah, yeah.
And she looked fucking they both look great. Yeah. They both look great man.
OK, where do we want to go with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. Where do we want to do what are we want. It's got to be adventure. OK, hear me. Oh just hear me out. I'm going to stop it. Hey Nadaf, pull up top ten. Adventure guy trips. OK, because because it should be climbed Mount Kilimanjaro to that's too much work. OK, ok, OK. Just here we go. OK, 25 transformative.
I've been there. I've actually been there. I've jumped off that.
You've got to hit the go up. Go up. You got to hit. Yeah. The Galeria. OK, Whitewater. I've had all the Grand Canyon.
I mean it's cool. It's cool. You don't whitewater rafting right. Yeah. It's fun. It's fun.
It's fun. It's just we don't get enough face time. We're all looking at the back of each other's heads. Yeah. Yeah. Burns from our past next. Keep going. Yeah. I mean go get past grilling. We are going to show you a white trash tusker.
I mean that was kind of cool. Got African elephants. We're not going to hunt them. No, no, no.
That would be cool though if we killed elephants and we had old school pictures of us with and we you see their dark side like mats like, hey, everyone thinks I'm a nice guy. Right. You know, I love to collect animal tusks, especially ones that are like going out of going into extinction. They just cuts that fucking elephant tusk. We're like, holy shit, you guys are crazy.
Rewards are dick catching grill trout. Like a kayak Bapu, you know, OK, about a long kayak adventure, like we get on kayak and we go from island to island. Yeah.
And track a pot of blue whale. Sounds fun. Pretty cool. Make wine paths. I don't think we can do that one. I think it's more like a chick trip. Yeah, a white. I've done this. I've climbed a tree. That's fucking terrifying. I'm not doing that again. Yeah. Camplin a volcano.
Hard pass. Kayak, the Galapagos. Oh, that would be cool. What about a dive trip, like a scuba dive? No, but see, I'm trying to what I'm trying to do is make it so active. You don't want to drink at the end of the night. OK, what about a surf trip?
What if we did surf trip down Hawaii, skipped that one, survive alone in the wild, save a person, save the world in perso dyslexic. Save the world in person by canoe. The Maine woods. That's pretty chill. Why can't we do that?
What if we did like a deliverance trip? We kayak down a river and then without the sexual assault. Fly across, waves pass. You can find Nemo. Oh, God, I wouldn't mind living on a boat with them. Oh, I know what I want to do. I know what I want to do. What if we go, OK, I got it. What if we go down off the coast of Mexico and swim with great white sharks for Discovery Channel?
We could you want to do that? Let me call right now, I'll call discovering your baby, baby, I got it. Your pitching and pitching it with yup, yup, yup. You know what I'm doing. But they're not. That's OK.
That's OK. OK, let's see if it gets purchased. You ready?
I'm on discovery right now. Yeah. Um, yeah. They're gonna be like, that's great. They're on board like yeah we got to call them first. OK, I'm going to I'm going to OK. Go ahead. OK. Shark Week, Shark Week, we're doing Shark Week with Ben and Matt. My important enough that my phone we have picked up. Doesn't look like it. I think they're passing on our show. OK, I'm going I'm going straight to the go straight to the your I'm going straight to the T.
Who are you calling my friend Discovery. So face time here, you face timing, um, Discovery Channel, aggressive, aggressive, well, like the CEO of one of the presidents.
Yeah, yeah. Face Time A.
All right, that's a super chill where you go pitch a show. All right. What's the name of that by the name of the island, by the name of the island where they go swimming with great white sharks in just off the coast of Italy?
All right. I have a pitch for you. Tell me if you'd buy it, OK? Just hear me out. Me, Tom. Sagara, how are you doing? Hey, hey. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. I swim with great white sharks. Simony done, it sold. We're going to the Isle of Guadalupe off Mexico, boat ride out, swim with great white sharks and guess what? We got a spot for one more guy. You're in.
You buy it. We're doing it.
Dun dun, dun dun. All right. That's how you sell television. Does that is ratings gold right there. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about.
We just got to get a I'll talk to you later. We're doing a podcast. OK, great. OK, bye.
So who is that sold? Who is that person of discovery sold? I don't know exactly what his title is, but I do love that he opened with.
Are you seriously fucking FaceTime with me, right? Yeah.
Sold. Sold. We just sold a show to fucking Discovery. Thanks, man. Hey, bad Shark Week. Shark Week. It's Ben, Tom, Bert and Matt. Shark Week, you know, but you might need to take him out, and I'm not certain he was comfortable.
So do you think that Matt and Ben showed? Why wouldn't you be a part of a whole project?
Yeah, and they don't have a lot of it. They have no idea what do they fucking care. OK, OK. I said, Tom, I sold a project with you attached. You interested. You're like, well, tell me the project is. Yeah. Are you interested. I'm interested. You're done. OK.
Hey Ben. Matt will see you on the boat. Thanks guys for listening. Let's.
Are we done. Yeah, we're done. We're done. That's a way to end the show. We just sold a fucking show. Yeah, that was amazing. Yeah.
Thanks. Thanks, Bert. We should show Jennifer Aniston. Oh, yeah, let's pitch it next. All right. Bye, guys. Love you. Thanks. But no one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in bird snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call there's a. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humour, no apologies. Here's what more call to focus on Katie.