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You're fucking Pug's now just as a snack. We're back.
Hunsley was the name of the guy from. I literally was on the treadmill today and I'm like, I'm going to listen more today because George Clavicle. Good start.
Or a clavicles then.
Is it that his name or his clavicle? It might be your memories of Mr. Clavicle longwalls.
He had a he had a picture of a big gun with a little gun, with a big bullet going on, and he was like, birth's mouthing words Yes. And it was that is exactly how I feel all the fucking time. That's why it's a very good meme.
I mean, look at our sides of the tables. I mean, this is how mine is. Somebody is doing the work. I've got coffee. I love that. People are like, I'm going to listen more. I love that people are going to finish my statement that are like they were problems on the livestream and didn't even acknowledge it. I am so far removed from that. Yes, you are. I literally am. And that's what I think today's episode is all about.
Everybody find yourself a partner you need. I used to have a joke about this, about you were khakis and I was Python like, I'm the guy with the python around his neck, but I did. And you're the guy wearing khakis like you get shit done and then I'm the fucking lunatic.
Yeah, well, we have actually a pretty natural classic archetype comedy dynamic. It's wacky guy, straight guy, basically, you know.
Yeah, we're OK.
Let's bring it's not even it's not even calculated. It's our natural dynamic. Yeah. And I think it's always been that like it has been.
I remember I'll never forget the we went on the road together, we went to Sacramento and on the drive back we drove all the way to Sacramento, did shows, drove all the way back. You drove and like three quarters of the way back you go, you know, you don't talk much, man.
You don't say much. And I go, that's because you've been talking.
I was like, this guy can talk for four and a half hours straight. I really can.
I know. I really can talk.
And if you want to talk about me, I am all I remember. LeAnn got pissed one time because we were at someone's house. This couple, there were two really cool couple and LeAnn fucked it up by not realizing that she sent a blind copy blind sick of her past messages about this woman to her. Yeah. Oh, my God.
That was it, huh? You see them again? Not one. And I and I know the way LeAnn talks.
I bet she didn't really, like, dial back how she felt and then didn't apologize and was like, oh, I guess that's me.
My bad, my bad.
And so, so but this couple was like this guy was really actually cool. I really like this guy, a little nerdy. He was in like comic book stuff and stuff, but I never and whatever he.
I have no idea with the stories. Oh, he one time he was they were showing us pictures of their vacation. Mm hmm. And I and they were like flipping through these pictures.
Isn't it the worst? Is there anything worse than somebody who's not you looking at vacation photos? Thank you. Thank you.
And someone's like we were in the Bahamas. They want to see the photos. You're like, no, not at all. Is there sand?
I said to them, I said to them, I go, they go, come on, take a look at them. I go, is there a picture of me? And they said, No, no. Well, then I'm not going to look at them. I don't see it. And they're like, What do you mean? I go, I don't really like looking at pictures of me. We were in Italy. Do you wanna see the photos?
Yeah, I've been a fuck about your vacation. No, it's crazy though.
But that's strange because I do care about people's vacations by way, even like I have cousins who are like and then we went to fucking Barcelona. Here's the photos and I don't want to see that. I don't give a fuck.
Yeah, I don't give a fuck that I'm shocked at. Like, I'll send you the link to a Web site where they uploaded the photos.
And I'm like, not clicking that. I'd rather watch you take a shit than look at your vacation photos. There are a list of things you'd be shocked I'd rather do than look at your picture. Yeah, the worst. I'd rather have my fingernails cut by a blind person.
Yeah. Good analogy. Digging way into your cubicle like that, Steve Allen, who I wonder if fucking blind people, how they cut their fingernails. Yeah, just just a lot of guesswork. No, I feel they have a really good sense of feel.
You just rub them like this. They must use philes.
Yeah, I think they just get so good at at touch and feel and the sense of where something is supposed to. You know, I think they just know they feel it out and they're like, oh, that's too far.
You've been dealing with a lot of physicality issues. Have you thought about like like what if you lost your vision or your hearing? Oh, I thought about all that stuff.
All that stuff shows up, right? Everything. Yeah, of course. Everything everything runs through your head at some point about how much worse it could.
Like you realize that when you have an injury, like once you're settled into it a little bit and they're like, we're going to fix you. You're like I mean, there's people who come into a place like this and they go like, well, we're going to do what we can, but like, you're never going to be how you were and how and how that must work. And yeah, you think about it a lot.
And I remember when I started losing my hair and that was debilitating. I can't imagine I watched the diving in the butterfly, the diving bell and the butterfly.
You see that? The diving bell and the butterfly doing the wrong thing. Yeah, I don't think that's the the the diving bell and the butterfly.
There you go. Really? Is it the diving bell? You're right. Yeah.
It's about a guy who gets locked in syndrome. That's, you know, so much of my I said at the end of the day I go home, I go, how about this?
Lifestyle change looks like a real bummer fucking movie guy gets locked in syndrome. You watch this has a stroke, gets locked in syndrome and then writes a book. I thought he comes out of it at the end. He never comes out of he just dies from pneumonia. Oh, for the whole time I'm waiting for it to turn around. Can I tell you what I do? A lot of definition of a white bummer film.
Yes, a French. It's French. Too easy. I read it. I didn't even see what anyone looked like in the movie. I read the whole fucking thing. Yeah. The you know what I do these days, I swear to God I will start. I'll see a movie. I'll go. That looks interesting. Go to Wikipedia and then read the thing and then sometimes I'll even flash out and I'll even go get it on Netflix, go to the end and just watch the ending.
I did that with have you seen the platform? Have you seen the platform? I looked at Nadaf like you'd watch it. You know what the platform is? No spoiler. It is a movie about this guy wants to get a scholarship or like a scholarship or something. Yeah. And so he signs up to live on this platform. What happens is the food, O Lord, every day on the platform. Yes, I've seen this. It is I was like, I'm not going to watch this whole movie Spanish.
Probably why I'm not going to watch this whole movie, huh, so I just Wikipedian it kind of look like garbage went to the end of it, watch the ending and was like, I would have not have gotten the ending. So I'm glad I didn't watch it.
That's how you that's how you watch films.
That's how I watch a movie. I'm glad I didn't watch it. By the way, did this.
I didn't know you and just heard this. I would be like 100 percent. This is an insane human being. Like, this guy is fully fucking nuts.
I did it today with Rosario Dawson movie, which won The Captive. Rosario Dawson, who is doing the go go big show. Do you see that fucking promo that was dope? Yeah, during wrestling. No, dude, what a big show.
Yes. What are you talking about here? What are you talking about? You were watching wrestling.
Look, look, man. Hold on. Oh, is this a gag?
No, this was fucking cool. On one second. One second. Rosario Dawson is one of the most beautiful women. It goes Rosario Dawson and and Gwen Stefani are two of the most gorgeous Odos.
Dawson is stunning and it's distracting. It's distracting. One time one time I was drunk, me and her at the bar downstairs at the hotel masks on. She was a mask covering me like you already smell your neck. No, I literally was.
I got distracted and talking to her, I was like, your eyes are fucking.
I think I actually said to her because I might have been a little buzzed you. I know.
I was like I was like, do you realize how distracting you are? Yeah. She was like, huh? I was like just her eyes are so intense that you're like I'm like, how do people talk? You know what's crazy, though?
To think that, like, that is a really I know you and I know that's like an innocent comment and that there's there's like people out there, like you really shouldn't talk to people like that. Yeah. Oh, definitely. And that she can go to a like a producer and be like Brett made me uncomfortable, said that my eyes are pretty.
She had a mask on and it was distracting. Her eyes are her eyes just are very intense. And you're like, I'm sitting there talking to her going, I don't know if fuck you're saying I'm not listening.
Yeah, she is amazingly gorgeous. And with Cory Booker right there. Cory Booker. Yeah.
And you're like, what do you do when he's like, I'm a senator and I ran for president and I loved it?
I said to him, I go, is that the one with the two good ones or the nine people that can all get it? He was like, do you think in the House of Representatives?
Like, Oh, yeah, those schmoes. Yeah. And he's like, I'm one of the good ones. I was like, God, nice. You want to be president. He was like, I tried.
I was like when I just recently coming back twenty twenty four buddy. Did you win.
I bet that I like Corey Booker. That's hilarious.
All right, let me see this.
So Snoop and Cody wrote Hard Go Big Show. Set your DVR now to watch Snoop, Rosario Dawson, Jennifer Nettles, Cody Rosen, first version on the Chrysler.
This is a fuck, you fucking assholes. I'm calling Cody. Now called Cody, right?
Bruce Burkhardt, I'm calling fucking Cody right now, goddammit, who is that pricer scratcher fucking called Cody right now?
Fucking is that is that one of their announcers? Yeah, of course. That's two of them. Curser and Bulos.
Krischer and Bruce. Krischer, what a fucking. Do you think Cody is going to answer.
No. He's probably like, is this Bert Curser, God damn it, mother fucker.
No wonder, bitch. Their call has been forwarded to an automatic voice, give us phone number. And the best was when I got to face time with him, when you called me and you're on set and he was like, Hey man, I go, Hey, you know, I had a little something with the wrestling community goes, come on, man.
Like, dude, fuck. What's the name of that? What's the play that again? I want to do that motherfucker first.
Krischer, Bruce, Krischer, Bert Curser, Bruce Krischer. First person Bert Curser. Who is their fucking. It's a wrestling guy.
You know what happens though right now is that these guys is that I show up and I put a fucking smack down on their announcers. You should be to middle aged dudes with cowboy hats off.
These guys are like they're calling it. They're calling a live show. Right. They're trying to make it exciting.
And they just hand them promos and they know Snoop OK it and they see KRC and they're like, You're Gurko.
Sure it's fucking Jim Ross. Now, that wasn't Jim Ross.
That fucking jobb like that. Yeah, little fucking throw it back at them, Boomer sooner. That ham and egger. Yeah. Who is who who was that? It's not Jim. Jimmy Burke, Kirker again and Bruce Krischer. But for. Desert Curser, Pricer, Bruce, Krischer, right after that. Fuck these guys, I'm waiting for Cody to call me back.
You know, this is a perfect time to Segway, OK?
Hey, it's Burt Kershner. Dash my bad Bruce Krischer. Huh? Fucking so that was fun, and now we can do something that's really like, you know, in praise of you, you know, to balance it out. Oh, let's wait to see this.
Let's see the clip from here. Hang on. Wait, hang on one second. Letterman, just watch the and promo, Andy A.W., my bad code probably has no idea, it's like I'm sorry, man, I'm running a fucking multimillion dollar company.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm trying to keep my fucking head above water and have four fucking different jobs. Bruce, sorry.
I got someone. Got your name wrong. All right.
What is this ok. Oh this is so I got it. I shouldn't share but I got a text from someone saying that they talked about Letterman and it really funny.
I was in a fucking funk, like just in a shit that I called you yesterday and talk to you about the thing that bothered me. Some guy was talking shit and part of me was like, I deserve it.
I talked so much shit, I talked so much shit. I don't even mean to, you know, like I wonder sometimes if, like, people get together and they're like, yeah, fuck purt.
And I would love for someone to just be like, oh, you know, he just drinks a lot and just talk shit. He doesn't mean a lot of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so I was like, I deserve it. I was in a bad mood. Then I got a text from someone last night saying, hey, just give me your heads up. I was talking to Letterman about you and I was like, wow, and I told them I was like, you have no idea how nice that is. Thank you for sharing it to here to here. But more importantly, I needed to hear it. And then I was telling you.
Oh, yeah, I'd I'd gotten this clip from Mike Binder, who has a series on on Showtime called The Comedy about the Comedy Store. Yeah. And one morning he just sent it and he said, you know, it's just hanging out with Letterman and Leno. And they were saying very nice things about you.
A lot of people say that, but they don't mean it. Right. And then I was like, whatever. And then he was like, here's a clip.
I want to see this. And then after it, we definitely have to address that. You're wearing pinkie rings now. All right. Let's go ahead. Pink earrings, pinky rings when you're. Oh, let's see.
I see this guy. You know who this is? I was watching and he's he's on stage and he's not wearing a shirt.
He's funny, Krischer. Yes. He's so funny.
Yes. And I so I'm mesmerized now because I'm thinking that in the course of his presentation, there will be a discussion of why he's not wearing a shirt, but there is it. And then after a while, you forget that he's not wearing a shirt because his his material transcends that. And, you know, he does a full hour, never breaks a sweat, which that would be ugly, very impressive. And that's that's I think you're probably right in the genesis of how we went from the the five minute TV shot to the hour and 15 Netflix special is that's incredible.
I that is unbelievable. I sense that I got that from bio's, one of the best texts I've ever got in my life. I then sent it to my dad and my dad, like immediately I was laying in bed. Yeah. It sent it to my dad.
My dad's like, buddy, he's talking about you. It's crazy. I was like, I know he's talking about me, dad.
What's interesting is that like and also like the like you realize that he watched your whole set. He didn't go like, yeah, watch this guy for a few minutes. And I was like, what's up with him? He's like I was like waiting for the shirtless need to be addressed. And I watched the show.
I wish I had a reason. I wish I had like a real reason. I don't wear a shirt. You do. I just we weren't sure. Yeah, but like, I wish I wish it was like I wish it was an explainable bit.
I'm doing it on the next special because I have these scars now and I can't not you should wear a sleeveless shirt.
Yeah. And I'll be like fucking scars. Just how are you going to get tatted up now. Oh yeah.
You know me, it's funny because I like like I was watching, I was watching a podcast and one guy was like one guy said it was kind of shitty but he was like, oh, everyone's going to have their fucking thing.
And you're like, it's not a I don't mean it to be a thing. I don't mean it to like and I definitely don't mean it. I just, I just don't like wearing a shirt.
The crazy thing is, though, that it's you know, it got Dave Letterman's attention and then he watched it and was like, oh, this guy is really funny and really good, you know? I mean, like, yeah, it actually worked in the sense that it hooked him to, like, why is this guy not wearing a shirt? And then he was like, and then I forgot. It's really interesting, man. Yeah, I wish I wish there was more thought put into it.
I wish I had really thought through it, but I just stopped wearing a shirt that I mean, this is the dumbest thing in the fucking world. And now and then, like I remember Rogen, I remember you called me up one time ago. And, you know, it's fucking hilarious is one day we're going to be doing a benefit. You'll be 65 and you're gonna have to take your fucking shirt off.
I was like, yeah, it's true. And by the way, I'll be more comfortable. And then everyone's like, what if you get ripped? And I was like, I would love that, you know, to to be seen Ethan subtlely. Yeah, he's yes.
He knew he just did a fucking Fleck's off post. I know. I know. He looks awesome. He's incredible.
Dude, I look at guys like Guy is an inspiration man. He really is. There are so many inspirations out there. We look at them, you're like, so Ethan, Jesus Christ. He the most he ever saw on a scale. Was five 538, he was 538. No, he said it was he ended up going more than that. But you look at like where he was and where he is now. Dude is unbelievable, man.
I mean, and he's but, you know, what people forget is he's a fucking great actor. He is a great actor. Yeah, he's a he's he's I mean, his resume is wild. He's done so much, but he is in amazing shape right now.
I just saw a picture of him shirtless.
He's fully transformed, man. He's completely transformed himself. He's coming on my Tom podcast for real. How did you meet him? We just messaged each other. Oh man, I want to see the thing is, is that I find him, like, incredibly inspiring.
The thing that I think that people forget is that working out is not even half of it. Working out is like an eighth of it is changing the way you eat.
He had to change the way he is, which means like it really is a mental game, like how you eat is all in your brain, you know, like what you become accustomed to eating and how you prepare. And like all those things are mental game.
There's times choices. You know, I'm eating healthy right now. I love that you're burping while you say that, by the way, Diet Coke treats and in real treats for me, I've been staying away from water.
The I I've I've been doing this this trifecta thing. I remember I hit you up. I was like I was like, there are more things I'm doing at Cairo. And I, I've been eating healthy. And then all of a sudden I'll be like, all right. So I'm having like roughly fifteen hundred, twelve hundred calories a day. Really. Yeah I do. Three meals are like 400 calories each.
That's all you're eating in a day.
You're snack of some peanuts or whatever, but eating healthy and all of a sudden my brain will trick me, my brain will go, hey man, we can't go like this. This is pretty aggressive. I think we're getting sick. We need to put some food in our body, like maybe we have some licorice. Do you like you look like Oliver's, right. And I'll be like, oh, no. But you know what? Just raise your blood sugar a little bit.
You'll feel better like, oh, your brain plays tricks on sugar. And to be able to go from 600 pounds to I'm sure he's like pi to 40 right now, probably something like that.
Yeah. That's incredible. That is amazing. Yeah. It's really incredible. I don't have, I don't have that brain.
No. I mean like he you could tell that he it's like an absolute shift in his mentality and that he also I would say is probably an obsessive type in that, like once he made the change and saw results happening, he was like completely focused on that path, you know, like on eating this way and staying in shape and working out. He's probably like very, very dedicated to it. You know, I did.
What do you think? Because I know that you are you said you were going to run a thousand miles last year and you did. Yeah, and and that was like pretty regularly doing it. Like you were right.
Like pretty. By the way. Now I look back and it was actually nothing. Nothing. It was nothing. Because there's because you you've made a call that you're going to double it. Double it.
I'm doing two thousand miles and and I'm, I'm at right now. I'm at two, I'm at 70 miles.
I have to run five miles a day the next two days to get to. Eighty, which you got to do forty a week, forty a week to hit your to thing to hit to that roughly 40 with thirty eight miles or roughly 240 miles a month, five and a half miles a day, roughly 40 miles a week roughly. And then you get to two thousand. And it is here's the thing. I like it. I'm sorry.
Like six hundred. I did the math wrong like six hundred miles a month. Right. I mean 160 miles a month. That one. Yeah, yeah. Roughly. Roughly I think 160 miles a month.
Forty miles a week will get you to two thousand. That's what I'm looking at.
It basically forty five point four eight miles will get you to two thousand. And I will tell you that it is.
And I've said to everyone, if you want hashtag wolf machine to Michelle Wolfe's doing it to, she'll hit me up like a man.
I think you should lower it because she did it. The first week was like this. A little aggressive really.
And she runs every fucking day. She's a real runner, she's a runner and she does it like she's obsessed with it.
And she ran and she doesn't drink like a bottle of wine a night at all. Like she runs and she weighs under 250 and she does ultramarathons.
Oh, yeah, you guys are the same.
And she ran 1500 miles last year and was like, I don't know if I can add five hundred miles to it. And I'm sitting there going, hold on, I've already committed to this.
I if I don't get hurt, here's the thing is that I could get hurt. That's the big I've heard.
You can get hurt, I find myself going, like, just slow it down, buddy, slow down. Jogging at four point five tonight, watch the Tiger Woods documentary right down Tiger Woods. I talk about Tiger Woods, watch Tiger Woods documentary.
And then I'm like, slowly right now. But right now I'm above board. And I think if I can lose some weight and I'm trying, I'm definitely trying.
So I know what right now. Yeah. Today you weigh probably I can tell you exactly how much I weigh. OK, I get it on my Withings scale. I'm sure that was a sponsor at one point I my winning scale. You ready? Yes. I wish I could just send you my login and you could pull it up up there. I weigh two hundred and thirty nine pounds. Wow, I am 34 percent fat. OK. I have 62 percent muscle mass.
OK, three percent bone mass, I can't be good. Forty six percent water and my BMI is thirty one point seven. OK, so you see what I was at my fattest.
Sure, OK, by the way, that is just a month ago, November 30th.
Oh, I think the next day. Yeah, we played basketball. The next day we played basketball that I was two hundred and fifty seven pounds.
37, 38 percent fat Jesus, 59 percent muscle mass, that can't be right, changed like a couple percent in a month.
Bone mass, three percent, that can't be good body water. Forty five percent, BMI, thirty three point nine thirty four.
It's well into obesity. Well into obesity. Yeah, well, skinniest I've ever been. Yeah. Skinniest I've ever been. You ready? Yeah. Guess what month it was then. It was last year. I bet you could almost guess the date of the skinniest I ever was last year, October 31st. October thirty first.
Two hundred and twenty nine pounds. Wow. Thirty six percent body fat. OK, so that means. I don't know. It's OK. Yeah. Muscle mass, 60 percent, BMI, BMI. Thirty, just barely fat, barely, barely fat, happy New Year's from our sponsor, Manscape Manscape is, of course, the best in men's below the waist grooming, offering precision engineered tools for your family jewels and is here to help you have clean balls in the New Year, ring in the New Year with the right tools for the job.
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I'll tell you, I lied in the basketball video about what I weighed when I broke my body, right.
Yeah, you said two hundred thirty five pounds. Thirty eight. I said everyone around will this.
I definitely love for you to 47 this morning though. 228.
Are you serious. Yeah. Yeah that's great. So here's what I want to ask though.
What, what are we going to do away with one leg. No, we're not doing a lot of challenge. But when you're like, I'm trying to lose weight, I want to lose weight and you're working at it. Yeah. Running and everything.
What do you feel like is a realistic not not just number to get to maintainable? So you get to it and you're like, I'm not killing myself to get to like, keep this number going, you know?
I mean, yeah, because like, if you go like, I can get down, like, even further, but then you're like, oh, I'll just go right back.
Yeah. I think in the 1920s, in the 20s is horrible to say. Are still fucking pretty obese.
Right. Yeah. But I mean also like. You and your build, like, do you want to be 185? No, here's the deal I would like to get I would love to break 200, see what that feels like. I would love to get to 200.
See that I know it to 15. The I am type in speed of Australia. That's 15.
Bert, Speedo Australia. Red Speedo. Go, go images, how many fucking red Speedo pictures are there? Keep going. I'm apparently will. I know that's not it. That's not it. It's never mind.
He's so slow. It's never going to happen. Oh, my God. Never mind, it's just I know there's a picture of me in a year. Are you doing this with your nose?
I'm typing in what you're saying. OK, go to. Bert. Australia, Krischer or Krischer, Kosala Curser, Bruce. Caricature. Scroll, scroll, scroll. No, no, no, no, no, don't, don't don't click that one. It's you'll see it. You'll go, Oh, that is skinny. Keep going, keep going, going, looking for him. I can't find it, but it's OK. When I was asked to show you right here, I the way how how much were you in this photo?
How much were you in the photo? In this photo. Yeah, to 14. It was on my fortieth birthday. I was the skinniest I'd ever been. I'll show you. I can show you a love. Can I tell you what I love is going to the the map. You ever go to the map on your phone and just take a look at all the vacations you've had?
Now I'm ready for a fucking vacation.
So is the goal weight then 217 or whatever you said it was? I would love to be.
It sounds so great. 217 sounds fucking awesome.
I was 217 in when I shot. Disgraceful. For real. Yeah. 240. Yeah, that's great. That's 214. That's a good you know, that's a good way. It looks normal, right? That looks like a healthy person does 220. If I was 220, I'd be like, oh, I feel fucking amazing right now.
Yeah. So here's the thing. Shoot. Are we are you going to get to that? Yeah. Drink a little bit. I'm on the treadmill.
Oh, hey, look who's here. I didn't even notice. Oh well, I'm trying. I haven't drank. The problem is I'm sweets. Yes.
Like, I get to look this graceful image. Tell me if you think how much were you did you 217. When I shot this. It's a good look, right? Yeah, you look really at your jackets hanging and it's like it's healthier. I can tell them healthier looking. And then, yeah, I took fuckin, what, a year or two years to gain 25, 30 pounds from then fucking Hey man, that's so much, you're not that far off from that right now.
Right now, I'm 11 pounds heavier than that. That's not bad. Now, I know that's not bad at all. Right.
Now, if I'm 19, I'm well, I'm 10 pounds from my latest last year. What I say to twenty nine.
Come on, we can't fuck this up and we cannot be here doing this. And I'm not drinking. That's the thing that's fucking killing me is I'm not drinking is just sweets.
At the end of the day, you know, you've got to wake. This is how you have to go to sleep. If you want to lose weight, that's how you have to go to sleep. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I need something in my mouth.
I'm guys go and then you wake up, you go. Oh, I feel great. That's your Xanax, right? Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I told you that last night. The best way to lose weight.
Take a Xanax at like six o'clock before dinner. Yep. And then don't eat. Go to sleep. That is, by the way, recommended by the American Health Association.
Why don't they have like a half of a pill of that like something? What can I tell you, by the way? I meant to bring fucking kratom. Oh, really? Yeah. I want to try Kratom with you on the show. Hey, I got a follow up for us.
What is it? Remember, we wanted to be monarchs or hang out with them.
Oh, please tell me this is happening. OK, ready? Yup. I got stuck in Nepal for three and a half months starting in March. The monarchy there has dissolved, but the people don't respect the new government and still call Prince Paris, the prince, Prince Paris is beloved.
He's also batshit crazy. He stayed in the town we were in and rented out a whole hotel, just threw parties every night. I got a chance to party with him quite a bit because he didn't care who was there. He has international drug charges, dates, supermodel's shoots at people, drives a Harley and is totally untouchable.
The last time I saw him, he was dressed in a ghillie suit and dancing to club music at four a.m. Look him up pretty fun. Plus, you can live like a king there for three hundred dollars a month. Thanks. Love you guys. John So this dude, this is where we're going.
This is where we're going. Paul Right after everyone gets vaccinated, put in Nepali's tracksuits, we're going to get Napoli's tracksuits.
And also we have to figure out how to get in touch with him. Is there any way we can get connected to him? Oh, look at this, Tom.
The Golds won the gold. Oh, that's our body here. Go to the gold one. I like the gold one.
Is that like, gentlemen, gentlemen, tracksuits.
Are these like. Are these Nepalese flags and shit? Oh, I need some gentleman tracksuit. Those are dope. Those are dope. Hey, can you order some of those gentlemen tracksuits?
Oh, those are awesome. Yeah, we'll get some gentlemen tracksuits. We get on a flight to Nepal. That's from the movie poster. From the movie.
Oh, they are the Guy Ritchie made. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a great fucking movie. And I was hoping, you know, who's fucking steals that thing now? Let me guess. Hold on. I mean, hang on because I love this movie. Yeah. Uh. The guy the whole time that I thought was was Bain is fucking great. He's the lead. He's it's not who you think it is, this is the worst game of scattergories I'm doing right now.
Pull it up, pull up, pull up the IMDB, IMDB of the gentleman, not IMDB, just the gentleman. Sometimes it's easier to just click the link, this fucking guy. Oh, my God, that my daughters made the funniest fucking joke about the dopp in the car. Really? Yeah. Go down, Charlie who, man, I'll tell you who stole the movie, Funny Hunnam. I'll tell you saw the movie Colin Farrell.
Yeah, he was fucking awesome. Is fantastic in this movie. Like, that is fucking great. He's like now like that's a character role.
It's not like he wasn't above the line, you know, the star of the movie for like a stretch. Yeah. And now he's doing character stuff and he's fucking phenomenal.
He's a large dude and you wouldn't expect Colin Farrell is. Yeah, really. I saw Matt. We were looking at the same house one time and he walked in. Sure, guys.
And he's so good in this movie. Tons necklaces. Tons of rings.
This dude colonies large. He's not he's not like a fat dude, but he's like a he's a regular sized human, like he's done a tiny little actor. Yeah.
He's a regular size two five seven guys, thick legs like. All right.
Like he's he's a fucking regular sized dude, by the way. He used to party balls.
I would go, yeah. Fall off the wagon with that guy. You could I would love. And the problem is guys like that, their drinking was attached to some unhealthy behaviors.
Meaning like I think when he was partying, it was like I just became famous. I don't really know who I am. Yeah, there's lots of coke, there's lots of women. There's like fuckin craziness. This is who I am. And then he had to become grounded. So I think he is now is probably a lot better than that guy. But I and I don't want to fall off the wagon with that guy.
I want him to fall off the wagon with me today. Yeah. And Ben Affleck, fucking the three of us. Come on. Some I saw him last week. Ben Affleck. Yes. Where in your neighborhood shot up. Yeah.
He looks good, doesn't he? He looks great. He looks fucking awesome. Here's the thing is I'm like, not OK. I'm going to pitch the same place, quitting drinking.
I got to go look at them. You had in place. Yeah. Do you go with him, say, hey, big fan.
I said. You recognize me? He was like, are you Bruce Curser? Did you grow up and go, Hey, you know how you're friends with Matt Damon? He was like, Yeah, you go, Cool, man. I got the same thing.
We both have a born in our life. Hey, follow up monarchy.
Another one. We've another one. All right, let's put put the fucking prince of Nepal on ice.
Hey, Bears, if you're looking to get knighted, Denmark is the way to go. But it would be a perfect fit to be friends with both of our two princes.
Crown Prince Frederik is a former Danish Marine who loves triathlons, Ironman, and he's an avid sports fan and a member of the International Olympic Committee.
He's the pride and joy of the royal family. Then there's the black sheep.
Prince Yocum Yocum is an alcoholic who goes to nightclubs around the country and demands to drink for free. While he hits on young chicks. He chain smokes two packs of cigarettes a day and produces his own brand of alcohol, including vodka, gin, bitter and schnapps in his castle. He's also an amateur racecar driver, so Tom would have some fun to watch.
It's right up your alley. Except for the young chicks, Yocum has broken the law multiple times.
But in the Danish constitution, it's written that the royal family can't be punished. They have a royal immunity. So there's a loophole to have some fun.
Piss on me. Beat me, Nicholas.
Hey, pull up Prince Yocum.
You've got is it came. I don't know how to say his name right now. I'm fucking it up. Yocum Yocum. You know Jochem like Dwight Yoakam.
Yoky how many kids he's got.
This guy does not pull out. He's got a bunch of kids. It's either that or he's fuckin really into young kids. They go to his vodka, go to his vodka. Principal Kym's Vodka. How awesome is that, that they like break laws and they're like, Yeah, but I can't control I would have mainly diplomatic immunity. A great prince.
Mm hmm. Do you know the you know, there like was my thought basically mouth breathers, like, you know. Yeah, they don't learn anything. Yeah, they don't learn anything. They don't have to do anything. Like then when they're born, it's better if they don't know anything because you don't want a smart king or prince. You want to dumb one where you know hey man, you got to show up at two and they're like okay so like they're so they're never going to like challenge us on any, like, information.
They're just going to be like, do you want another drink, Tom? Your race car is getting low on gas.
How do you say fuck every woman in here?
Should we do it when we do our trip? Should we go to Nepal, hang out there and then go, Mark, my God, go to both.
Hold on. This can be real because I know we can do this. We need to do. Oh. I love this idea. We're going to do a royal tour, yeah, a royal tour, I think we also have to add Madrid just to give it a shot to see if we can hang out with the Spanish.
And what we do is we put out invites the we say basically, hey, we're here to see your monarchy. This is where we staying, if you'd like us just and we'll put it on the Internet. And if you would like a tracksuit or some hats, we can arrange for, we we dress only in tracksuits.
We get new tracksuits for every day. Yes, we have, literally.
And we need. Oh, my God, Tom, this is brilliant because I've been watching so much of the crowd. They did these royal tours where they would go check on all their little kingdoms. And and so we go to all the kingdoms. We'd like to be knighted that we will tour.
This is fucking genius. It is the only problem is those monarchies welcoming us. And we just have to make sure that happens.
No, we don't just show up and then we put it out there on the Internet. Hey, we are in. What was the one? Monaco, Stephanie, whatever. Yeah, we're here.
Albert Prince Albert hit us up and then you like and you know, one day he'll be like like I got nothing to do. Let's have these two guys come over and we show up in tracksuits, matching tracksuits.
You know, they would laugh their dicks off. We walk in a matching tracksuits.
We're like, what's up? What's up? And they're like, oh, so what's the deal? Like, we just want to party balls and pneumonitis.
At the end of the day, it's all these stupid.
If it doesn't work, work, work, we're going to look like fucking geniuses. I know. We got to try it.
You know, everyone in Hollywood is going to be like Tom got knighted. Yeah. Because this was about another bike. They went on to Royal Top.
But it may work and then, you know, at some point there would be like someone to be like, why are these guys here? And some would be like, I don't know, I just tell them.
It made it almost leads me perfectly into the fact that you're wearing a pink ring now and you're not even talking about it.
I mean, I'm a pig.
It's a it's it is jarring. You know, I think everybody's insides kind of shift a little bit and they're like, what's going on? Like, why are you wearing a pink you? It shows up.
A pinkie ring shows up the first time.
It informs you, like if you see somebody and then right away you you you make calls about that person, right. You're like, there's this dude checks these boxes if he's casually rocking a big pink.
A massive pinkie ring. You know what's more distracting? Yeah, or a big dick in sweat sweatpants playing basketball.
I think about him getting beat up like you are, bitch. I have a big fan. I've thought about that so much. Yeah, they knocked his teeth out, like lost his hearing and they're like, what happened?
They thought I was hard for them. I just have a big dick. Oh, I thought about that.
So fucking imagine like him telling his mom, you know, I mean, like when she's like, what happened?
He's like he saw my dick and they thought it was hard.
It's just be like, honey, I know I changed your diapers, George. I got this for me for Christmas. Can I see it? Yeah, please. It's so fucking low. It's an owl. It's an owl. It's actually kind of cool.
It's a good looking pinky ring. It's a good looking ring. And so I said, Jesus, it's heavy, right?
Yeah. And you also got some fucking thick dicks. Four fingers, huh? Yeah.
My favorite part is that it smells if you wear it for a while. Here you go.
God, can I see your spray yet. Thank you so so, George, George and I. I'm sure I'll one day talk about this on stage, but George and I are at the point in our relationship where.
She doesn't really want anything to do with me, and so I'm like, I feel like that's almost exclusively girls and they're college girls, you know, it's lovely girls because they start I mean, can you remember your sisters when you think about it?
Right. Because I remember my sisters being assholes to my dad. Yeah. And he was just like, good morning, Sweetest.
And they're like, oh, God.
I'm like, OK. I made them breakfast burritos this morning. And now granted, I was in a short jogging shorts, no shirt with a bandana on trying to get them out of the house to go to because they go to school at the new house. They have to like go to school there because it gets them up. It gets a brain.
It's not built yet, but they go there. Yeah. And so and you can just see both of them also. I mean, you guys breakfast breeders, but all they can see is a shirtless, sweaty dude trying to get them out of the house.
So George and I have not been getting long, but only because she's getting older and I'm just a guy and it just doesn't make sense.
I wish there was a fucking I wish fucking I try to hit up Nikki Glaser like Whitney or anyone to talk to them about that stuff. And they I guess they don't really remember it.
They're like I mean, yeah, I guess.
And so. It was getting bad right around Christmas, and I was like, and I love her, I love her more than anyone I've ever loved anyone in the world and I can't get a connection with her.
And then she got this for me for Christmas. And I said I was like, I'm not like a pinkie ring guy. And she looked at me like. Well, I guess you are now, and I was like, I guess I am. So that's actually sweet. I'm cool with looking like a pinkie ring guy.
If it if it makes your daughter happy in that career, you're a good dad. You know, some sweet guy, good dad.
But the speaking of dads, I watch the Tiger Woods documentary. Yeah.
Have you seen that now dude it I've heard. It's great. It's great. It's it's great. Now here's the thing. It's not Michael Jordan last dance.
It's not that because Tiger Woods clearly didn't make it. He didn't participate in it at all. And you can tell because they kind of trash his dad. His dad.
Yeah. As being, what, like over the top, like, obsessed. And not even I mean, they call him a womanizer. They say that the reason that his dad would like his dad, his dad had and by the way, I don't even like talking about this. I know it would bother Tiger Woods. And I'm such a fucking fan of Tiger Woods.
But in the documentary, they they even say that like nothing's good.
It's a fascinating documentary because you're obsessed. I'm obsessed. Tiger Woods. But it doesn't make you feel good about being a Tiger Woods fan.
Then it kind of does it. There's this theory, right, that that with him specifically and other I guess, other high achieving, let's say, athletes that like them chasing chicks is part of like the part of the DNA of them being champions. And that, you know, I mean, like and then it kind of coincided with. The time that he was super successful, then all that stuff was revealed. And then like he went into like a real slump as a player.
Yeah, I think I think it. The competitive gene is very much in Tiger Woods, everything his dad used to jingle change when he about to putt and and talk and try to distract him.
And one guy was like, hey, man, don't you're you're being loud. And he's like, yeah, I'm I'm raising Tiger Woods.
Yeah. And and when you look at that, I think I would have fucking definitely got along with his dad, like his dad.
His dad seems fucking awesome. I mean, like our parenting. I'm not I'm not like that with sports, with the girls, but our parenting is almost right on really. I mean, I feel like. Yeah, he he was I loved in watching this. They want you to hate or woods.
They do want you to hate or woods in this documentary. They definitely do. And they actually I don't think they want you to like his mom either.
They don't want you to like anyone really. I mean, they don't want you to like Tiger. They actually say that if you're white and you liked Tiger back then that you thought you were being a good white guy because you were sporting a black guy.
And I'm like, the fuck man. Also, he was the greatest golfer ever. Well, yeah. And it was amazing to watch him do stuff. Yeah.
And then, of course, you know, my brain, I start going door. If you filmed every single fucking time I played golf, I'd have some amazing shots to like like my brain actually thought that and was like, ever think about it.
We've watched almost every time the guys play golf, right? Yeah. I'd have I'd have a pretty sick highlight reel if you can cut it down to an hour. Yeah. Yeah. An hour and thirty five minutes.
I would look fucking you can do a documentary on me if you filmed all of mine.
I mean just from top golf you had a couple of guys just from doggle. But dude.
He had Tiger, he really he had it he had like a fucking I mean, that was like an organization, a hose, like he had a hole. Do they break that down?
Dude, they and the first the first episode, because I think it's a three part series or four part series, they end the first episode.
They I mean, it's really part of me feels not comfortable with I don't need to know the history that well, I don't need to I don't need to everything to be unmasked.
I don't need you to take down all my heroes with this new it's not cancer culture, but what it is. It's like it's like you want the truth. We'll give you everything you need to know the truth. His dad was fucking jokes about his mom's back.
And I'm like, I don't I really didn't need to know that I. Right.
That doesn't help anything other than maybe it defends Tiger's behavior a little bit is that he didn't like it. I learned behavior. Yeah. That it's learned behavior.
But like, I don't need to I liked Earl Woods before. I knew he's a hard drinking, hard smokin a Vietnam vet who went in with explosives like they drop him off and be like go in behind enemy lines and blow shit up.
This dude deserves. Is it fucked up that in my head I go. Himon. He was in Vietnam, he was doing dangerous fucking shit, he came back, he married an Asian woman, like the guy is an open minded guy. The guys from back then married an Asian woman, has a kid, raises a fucking champion. Can we just cut the guy some slack and not go into his history on cheating on his wife? Like, can't we just cut the guy some slack and be like out of respect for you serving our country?
Like, and then I guess they want to do the profile and, like, get into the psychology of it all. Tiger Woods came home early from college, right. To see his high school girlfriend and didn't tell his parents, didn't tell parents, comes home, spends the night with her, comes to his house. The next day, Earl Woods is losing his fucking mind. Earl, his mom or Tiger's mom are like losing their fucking mind next day.
This is what I love. What are they losing their mind about?
How dare you? You're going to get fucking pregnant. You're on a trajectory to be the greatest golfer ever. You're going to come home, fuck some slut you fucking out of your body. They don't put words in everyone's mouths. I'm sure you. But but you know that girls are the same dads. That's exactly what he said. Some fucking whore you came home to bang an eight when you're Tiger Woods. And one day fucking tens are going to be hitting your fucking Escalade with a golf club like you.
Are you out of your fucking mind? Break up with our Tiger Woods the next day. Writes a letter. I apologize. This is fucking over.
Your distraction, I want nothing to do with you. God fucking tigers, a gangster tigers. I'll tell you what, man, I'm going to put this out there.
OK? Tiger, if you're looking for two, Ryder does will be your buddies won't fucking talk trash about you behind your back. Won't talk trash, won't sell you out. I'd be fucking I'd love to be friends with Tiger. It can happen. I mean, how how fucking great would it be? Yeah. Oh, my God, I'm on my I'm getting like chill bumps thinking about it. We're in Nepal right now in Nepal, where no tracksuits we walk in, the prince of Nepal goes these motherfuckers, and we go, oh, we have a surprise.
And he goes, Oh, shit, it's Tiger Woods.
Tiger Woods walks in with us and he's like, I want to be like that to, you know, much fun. We could bring him to that guy's life. Like, Tiger has so much bullshit in his life.
He needs some lightness like he does. He never got to be a kid. And we're still just kids with kids.
I think we'd astound him with how immature we are.
That's fair. He's got private golf course. Yeah. He's got quite the pad in Florida. Jupiter Island. See, I can't be friends with him by myself right now. We're going to need you because you can play it cool. Yeah. And be like and you kind of give me a pass when I look like a lunatic, like, oh, you're going to do. Yeah. And Tiger is like, he's fucking I was kind of racist, like, oh, when you use the bathroom you always close the door behind you.
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Can I tell you what I need to. I need to know. I need to know like how this registers on because I drove through Hollywood for the first time the other day. Yeah I know.
It looks like Armageddon came to that place. Crazy.
There are lime scooters like someone just drove in a truck and just threw them out of about.
People ask me like, why are you leaving? I'm like, take a fucking drive around this place, man. Hollywood's bad man. Yeah, most of L.A. is just not good.
Hollywood's bad and they have all everywheres boarded up still because they and also every freeway you drive on here has trash like mountains of trash on it.
Yeah. I drove up one ten the five the one on one like what is with all the garbage on the fucking freeway. It's crazy.
It's I got to be honest with you, I have not I live in a little pocket and I don't even really drive much. I drive here and I drive. Yeah. But I don't really drive much. I drove into Hollywood and I was actually shocked because I haven't been in since all the riots have been through there. And and here's what struck me.
Here's what bothered me. Yeah.
And I can't tell sometimes, you know, I feel like I know people are going to understand this by feel progressive because I feel like I'm ahead of the curve in what I know people's intentions are. And when people say things, I feel like I'm ahead of the curve on them with this.
But they have these on Highland. These buildings are like boarded up. Like some of them are like a vape shop or like a convenience store or a liquor store. They're boarded up and then it says spray painted on the boards.
We support black lives matters. And I thought that was the most racist thing I've ever seen in my life, that they said that. Yeah, because basically they're saying. This is how I read it, and I could be off on this, but they boarded it up for one and then they support we support black lives matters as if to say, hey, black people were assuming you're going to light our store on fire. We're we're on your team.
It was such it was so it was like it bothered me so much like, well, what it is, is like I get what you're saying because what they're what they're essentially doing is like saying maybe this will work. Maybe this'll work. Yeah. Who will write this on here and please don't you know.
Yeah. I think it was it was almost like saying Black Lives Matter is ruining everything. They're lighting everything on fire. They're torching this whole city. It's almost like assuming that it's black people doing it. Well, yeah, I mean, I think what they're assuming I mean, they're making assumptions based on like the one was that in May or something when things really went off, like, I remember Santa Monica got torched.
Like, if you if you if OK, so the the I don't know what's gone on in the news yet.
It's been pretty wild lately. No, I meant, I meant since we reported this to this area.
OK, so we may be under under siege but like imagine if a OK, flip it around. Right. OK, imagine if the people that are protesting at the Capitol were were now rioting and people are boarding up their liquor stores rioting.
I wear Carhartt jackets and they're like he wears guard we all wear.
I love that is our 2nd Amendment bro. Go. Yeah.
I imagine if they were like I hate minorities and I was like, OK, he's cool, he's cool. That's essentially what I support. BLM, yes.
You just write like you do. You will not take my guns. You write that on you and then you don't like.
And the fact and the fact that that I don't I don't know if it does connect with the fact that it would connect that you would could. Right. I listen to Dwight Yoakam and people would go told towards his liquor store.
He's one of the good ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is the most asinine.
I mean, you saw this in Hollywood. Hollywood, we support BLM. And I was like, the fact that you're writing that on your board kind of says you don't it kind of says you you think black people towards liquor stores and you're going we we listen to hip hop. What the fuck? It really bothered me.
And I was like the whole time I was like I had to write a bit about it.
And I was like, this will be over by the time I was talking about to like and let it get edited like crazy and then make it like I fucking like a Mr. Clavicles.
You know what to do. Mr. Clavin.
Old by the way, can I tell you, Mr. Clavicle, that's the one. I don't like that end of your thing. No, no.
He's branding it. I understand. No shit.
Oh, Jesus. Sometimes he gets upset. Fuck it's. But it. I it's funny, it's interesting, Branning, because it sticks with me, right, so it's effective, but it but it bothers you. It it makes me forget the video I watched. Oh, I see. Like, I watch it at the end, then I go, ah, Mr. Clamato, whatever. And it also it's very serial killer esque.
You're right, because it has like the mask on. Yeah. It's very like it's very dark. Dark. Yeah. Makes you think this guy's into like watching PSol movies.
Could be George Clubbable. Is that his name. I mean that can't be his last name.
I don't know if it's real last name, but the way he is definitely getting a fucking meaning the fuck out of this.
Sure is. Yeah.
There's a lot of guys good at that shit.
Um, so. Oh yeah.
Because I thought about this because a lot of people have, uh, died lately, you know, like it's obviously in the news. It's happening every day in here around the world.
There's a pandemic. Yeah. And people are still you know, there's different things happening. I just lost my aunt a couple of weeks ago. Polje 69.
Oh, cancer. OK, good erminio. Good, but that's bad.
It's funny you hear about a death these days and you immediately. Because of coronavirus, you go, how were they, how did they die? Can I get it? It's fucking fucking screeches cancer.
Screeches Yeah, Dustin Diamond is in fucking a hospital in Florida and they're like probably cancer. Mike who writes that really? He writes probably a kind nose. Mom died of breast cancer and he wasn't allowed back on saved by the bell. By the way, this is what comes up in my fucking Google News feed. Dustin Diamond, it's serious. Oh, really fearing cancer. Man, I just said, yeah, my aunt was diagnosed in October. Well, that's how fast.
What kind was acute, like rare leukemia just rip through. That's what Dr. Drew thought he had. It's really, really sad. How do you how leukemia is blood cancer, right?
Yeah. And she basically was just like I'm just feeling, like, fatigued, you know, like weird.
And then, you know, start the tests, start treatment shipmen like eight weeks later. Eight weeks. Yeah. I think just like that. I think about that, about the happened to Liam. So how sad would you be? I have nine weeks to deal with it. Sure. I mean, like, are you talking know, maybe I misunderstood the question. I'm thinking from when she got diagnosed to her dying, I think over nine weeks would fuckin that would be a roller coaster man.
But then, like, how long would it take you to get over it, you think? I don't know, like you mean like. Define get over it. Well, you'd be obviously really sad, you'd be very emotional, keep going, but then it's like now you've got to live your life.
You know, I, I, I am, I am. This is an interesting question. I think I would start living my life quicker than people would be comfortable with. Yeah, I think that's what I think. Would that and then you start saying so would I calculate.
When people saw me getting happier, yeah, yeah, you probably would, because I better do, you have to be like you'd have to be cognizant of that, right? You have to be. Yeah. Oh, you might be like ready to go out, like, I don't know, the next Saturday. And then you're like, oh, everyone looking.
So you have to be like I'm I guess I'm staying home again for a few months there.
But there are times where you where you're like. Like, I'm having a good day and you're like, I better tone this down before someone sees me at Starbucks. Yeah, but for how long I get to do that for six months or longer.
What's crazy is other people's other people would put. Other people put their shit on you, yeah, and go, hey, man, what about and you know that I fucked myself because I've shared so much about me inlands relationship.
That people will be like I mean, there would be people will be like, I don't think you can ever get married, remarried and be like guys. It's been it's been six months. You could get remarried. No, no, no. Why not.
There would be people that would. There would. But don't you think you're a relationship guy that like. Yeah, yeah. Oh so you think you just date somebody?
No, I definitely I couldn't I couldn't date someone for a year and no.
People wouldn't let me do something for you. Right.
So let's say a year passes. A year passes. Yeah. And then I start dating someone. People would think it was too soon. I think I think I think I would be in my head about what people thought about it. I would definitely be in front of that storm going like, hold on, pump the brakes.
I think you get married within a couple of years. I would start fucking chicks so quickly.
I said, I think you'll get married with I would I would get new relationship within three months of marrying her because I just I know myself and I just too. I need things. Yeah. I am too needy. I'm too but I'm too codependent. I would get in with in a relationship.
How old is she. Uh, probably thirty. My I talk to my buddy Tony, he's talking about having another kid and I got so jealous I was like thirty thirty to thirty four.
She is now.
Oh I now she's thirty but uh so we're talking about a chick that's like almost twenty years younger than you. That's what you think you're doing. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, yes. Oh, shit, yeah. Oh. Oh, my God. What would I talk to her about?
Right. So maybe, you know, I owe maybe thirty eight, thirty nine oh. I don't want to fucking have a fortieth birthday party this quick for someone. Yeah, let's do 20 years younger than me. Jesus, I guess I mean, that's a respectable Thorwald's Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend.
Oh my God. How old is Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend?
If he can. Oh, here we go. I bet she is a doll home mother. He's 23 years older. There we go. All right. So 20, 20 years is good, 20 years.
It's an eyebrow raising age gap of fuck. Never mind. I definitely would have to date someone older, older, just because not older than me.
And I'm not going there fucking we're in different phases for the vaccine, for Christ's sake. Yeah.
Jesus, you know, fucking depressing. She was like, oh my God, I can get a vaccine in March. And I was like, for real. She's like, well, yours is June.
And I was like, oh my Foch. I would. How sad would you be if I died the. Oh, my God. I would be I would be I would be more than just somebody in my life would change. Alluded to earlier, what's the matter with you? Oh, oh, fuck.
Oh, my God, I would never be able to replace you. Oh, fuck. I know that's what Leon wants to hear. That's of course.
Can't they get over it? They ring a bell ring. Uh, I feel the same way.
I feel the same way. I would I would be inconsolable if you died.
But if you thought I'd be like, you got to live your life.
Oh, fuck. Oh, I, I, I, I, I was never get over it.
Had we having charity events for you every year, every fucking cry on every show I was on. Well my God.
Uh oh fuck. Oh God. I love this podcast so much. It's so fun.
I don't think I do anything with Leon that this is this one. What uh. The Super Bowl, we're doing it, oh, here we go, the next live show with a new hosting service that has much greater bandwidth. Yes. Is going to be during the suit. We're going to we're going to watch the Super Bowl with you, with somebody who we will be announcing very soon, who is take your phone and see if they reply back.
Yeah, I. I did. We've got someone we're going to do this.
We're going to watch the Super Bowl with and we're really excited about that. You can't say who it is. You can't say you can't say it, but it's it's being worked out. We're really excited about it.
So we're going to have so people can start the Super Bowl and turn us on. Yep. And we'll be on before it starts and we'll be just kind of like getting ready to watch it and then we'll watch the game with you. We can be on a laptop or on a TV on the side. And we're just going to be sitting here with a special guest watching the game, commenting on it, partying, and we'll have some other prepackaged shot things.
But we're really excited about it. And this will be an epic event. We promise it's going to be.
We're so excited about this. I cannot I cannot wait. It's pretty awesome. It's pretty awesome. So this is going to be a fucking blast. This is going to be a good one that we could never do with our wives.
Come out and watch the Super Bowl.
I want to be like, wow, why you got to bring in new people and work with us. Yes. Oh, my God. I can't believe that all the things that I would want that I would want to say about me. I said about you.
Um, OK, somebody said they're poking holes in original thoughts you want to hear? Yes, and by the way, I am. I am obsessed with I think that's why I yesterday I was on a jog, go to a jog outside for the first time like a nightmare, you can't jog. You have to have a mask up around here. Horrible. It's it's really stupid.
And I saw people that had signs in the front yard and now everyone wants to put their politics on the front yard. And I thought, my politics are a private matter. I don't want to share them with everyone.
But more importantly, I don't think anyone makes a sign for things I believe in that I would put in my front yard that I would want other people to know. Yeah, like, I don't think they have signs. Like and then I was like, I should start making yard signs for things only, I believe. Yeah. And then put them in the front yard and then people be like, what the fuck? Yeah, keep going.
OK, so this is poking holes in the original thought. OK.
And by the way, shout out to whoever got to dishwasher's.
I just comensoli I'm putting it to Dishwasher's in the new house. That's a good, it's a brilliant fucking idea.
And I told it and I didn't pitch it the way he said it because I told Dan, I said, listen, think about this. We don't ever have to put out this way. We got clean dishes and we got dirty dishes. Yeah. She goes, yeah, but I think we do it so that we could always have clean dishes and I go or.
We keep our clean dishes in there and then we pull them there and then just put them back in and then that's where they go.
And then, yeah, I didn't do it the way he this this is this is the very first one says problem with dishwasher idea.
Oh fuck. I've already bought two dishwashers. I've can I tell you also about two refrigerators. I literally this guy I was like if you got if it was a dishwasher it's 400 bucks. If you got 400 bucks, why would you get an Lianne's like. But what about the space. And I was like, fuck it.
We don't want know that you're talking about places we're going to keep dishes anyway. Right.
I just bought two fucking dishwashers here and it says the two dishwashers idea, where are you supposed to put the dirty dishes when both of them have clean dishes?
If you're washing in one and pulling from another, you don't have anywhere to put the dirty ones. Think about it.
Love the show. You guys much love read. Thanks, Reed. Here's the problem with transition glass. Somebody suggested that, yes, the transition glass in all cars sounds like a good idea until you drive your car into a tunnel on a sunny day and you can't see and you're fucking dead.
Transition glass stays dark for a few minutes after getting a sudden big fat Mitch.
Another problem with transition. Hi, guys, I'm here to poke some holes in the transition.
It would be difficult for the windows to adjust to artificial lighting, causing blackouts in highly lit areas of traffic. We can call them burnouts.
Love, Heather. Oh, fuck.
I love poking holes in an original but original thought penis problem hybrid. Hey, Bavand, Tad Spruce is an original thought penis problem hybrid for you.
Why is there not an apparatus made specifically for Dick measuring? Surely the good folks who brought us cock rings and flashlights could work something out. I'm no engineer, but it should be a fleshlight esque device in which you insert yourself. It would then digitally display your dick size, length and circumference. Feel free to develop a prototype, Matthew. I mean, that's actually a good idea.
They have scales. Why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you? I tried to weigh my dick one time. Yeah, it's got some real weight to it. Put my dick on. It was what we use to measure food.
Yeah. Little scale. Yeah.
See if the scale answer and and then I just realized I put my dick on all the plates, I'm going to put my food so. Yeah. Oh on that. Did you remember the way it was. A certain amount of ounces like eight ounces, eight ounces I think.
I don't know either that or that was my dinner last night. Just weigh your food a lot.
I weigh my food all the time. I went, really? Yeah. I got obsessive compulsive about burgers. I like to weigh my burgers because I you know, you get all the fucking kind of hungry right now.
I'm fucking starving just out of that, you just as soon as I said burgers, I was like, did your mouth water? Sometimes my mouth waters all the time. You know, the answer is that's not a thing. What do you mean it's not a thing?
She goes, your mouth don't water. That's like a way they say things that.
That's nice and you know, my mouth actually waters, yeah, it ain't water you can smell. Well, it's not water, it's saliva. Saliva. Yeah, yeah I my mouth fucking waters. Yeah.
It's an expression that means that your mouth is filling with saliva because something has whet your appetite. Right. I mean she's like water, H2O.
No she goes no that doesn't happen. Jen believe it happens. Oh. And then I'm sitting there defending. No it definitely fucking happens. Like it just with. And I was talking, I was thinking about I want to get a little mini burgers for the girls. They've never had Christal Burgers or or White Castle. I was like my mouth watering again.
I was like, I want to find a little mini burgers in L.A. I don't even know where they sell them. I don't even know a place that's got like little mini burgers in L.A. So I but I get obsessive about making burgers and I want them all that. When you get like four pounds of meat, you're going to make burgers for everyone. I want everyone at the same size burger. It sucks when you make burgers and then you just do them and you ballpark them.
And then Olsson's like, is this a half a pound of meat? You're like Sario, that was supposed to be for me.
I remember not being like not having really made burgers and then doing it in college.
They all make burgers and I just made meatballs like they were all meat that people like are eating meatballs.
And I was like, I guess so I didn't know how to I didn't know how flat you really got to make them.
It's amazing the kids whose parents were divorced and they knew how to cook for themselves. Yeah. And you'd go to college and they'd be like, what do you make? And you're like, oh, making spaghetti in there.
Like you need to put olive oil in that water and you're like, huh, the like olive oil and salt in the water. And you're like, I, I don't know. You're talking about what's going on with you.
And then you pull out just a stick of pasta that's all stuck together and you're like, how come this happened? And then like you need to stir it. It's amazing. You know, who taught me how to make omelets?
Patrice O'Neal taught me one time and then and I thought it was so odd the way he taught me. And then Darnell Rollins taught me the second time and he taught me the exact same way.
And I said to you and he said, no, that's how you make omelets. And what do they teach you? They season the pan. Both of them seasoned the pan.
They put butter and then all their peppers and salt. And it went on the pan. Yeah.
And then they put the egg when they got the egg, really, they got the pan really hot, poured the again and then would let it sit there and like lift it up and let it pour under it and then they put the stuff on top of it. And then I a white person taught me how to do it and they put all the shit in the pan first. Like all, Donelle and Patrice would get the egg, make the omelet and then put the stuff in and fold it over.
Yeah. And then I saw a white person do it in a country club and he put all the shit in the pan, put it in the arm and then kind of folded it over. I got to be honest with you, I think I like Patrice's and Donnell's better.
Yeah, I've done that. I've made omelets that way.
The way that they made it, the way that Dreazen, MDD in the pan.
I've seasoned the pan a number of times. I mean, I have also seasoned like the like beat the eggs and put seasoning in there too. But I've, you know, like put butter or cooking oil or whatever on the pan, put seasoning in the pan and then pour the egg in there too.
And I do beat eggs first in there and then any topping after really.
Like a real black guy, like a fucking I would love I wish that was like I wish that was OK, that we had a website where it was like like these are like certifiable, certifiable stereotypes that everyone will adhere to, you know, like we can make that site brandnew stereotypes, dotcom.
And it was like but it was nothing was her hateful. Everything was like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We definitely do that like yeah.
Like something like innocuous like do you guys press your jeans and then all black people are like oh yeah, we pressed jeans and you're like white people like shut up. We don't press jeans do they. All press jeans. I'm just trying to think of something, OK, I'm just trying to think of something that no one will be like.
What are you trying to say about prestige? Oh, you're like, oh fuck. Right.
Like I remember not actually offensive. I'm trying to think of a good stereotype that is not offensive or this thing about white stereotypes. Mm. Smells like wet dogs.
Yeah. But by the way, how come. No. What are some white stereotypes that hurt our feelings while some people don't like that one.
Oh I don't mind it. I actually think I do smell like a white dog.
Like when I, when I get wet, if there's one thing you don't know about me is that I love to match things with my wife. I know that sounds so silly, but I absolutely love it. And I'm super excited because me Ondes is releasing their Vidia collection in Undies Loungewear Enmore. So if you're like me, you can match on Valentine's Day with your special. All you got to do is say those three special words everyone wants to hear match me undies.
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That's me on these dot com slash bears'. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by fight, can't fight, can't brings the boxing gym right to your home with a mix of cardio and conditioning for a full body workout. Have you ever wanted to learn how to box or kickbacks from real fighters? You want to continue your martial arts journey from home. Maybe you want to get your kids, your family involved in a fitness journey with you while teaching them a valuable skill.
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By the way, I took a full shower today like full shower, head to toe in the shower, in the shower, did hot water, soap and shampoo, soapy shampoo, the whole fucking kit and caboodle. Holy shit, the hole.
And I actually said I should tell Tom I took a hot shower today. That's pretty cool.
I took a whole head to body talk.
I was going to get in the pool and I was like, it would really depress you to watch me take a shower. Right now it's a whole procedure. And you think you're watching someone at the end of their life.
So you only can use one hand to wash with.
No, because I can I can pour into this hand and then, you know, at this club comes off, I take the gloves off, but I got to take the brace off the wrap.
How do you put it in a shoe on you? Can you bend the knees to put a shoe on? Yeah, I can manipulate it and I can lean down and tie it. But and now because now it's a little bit I get the brace off on Friday, but like it is a sad thing.
It takes forever. Dude, like I got I need help to get it, like to make sure everything's dry because I can slip and really fuck myself. Oh my God.
So I walk in, I sit on a chair that doesn't feel doesn't give me confidence. It looks like a shitty chair like this is when we have. And then I have to take the brace in the wrap off. Christina turns the water on and then I sit there. I'm like gonna come back in a few and then I, I sit and I shampoo and soap and everything. And then when I'm done, I call her back. Got to get dry, dry the leg, and then wrap and put the brakes on the leg before I give a wrap on your leg.
Also under the under the brace. Really? Yeah. So I have to put that back on before I stand up.
Do to how often do you shower? Now it's like once every two days I watch and I just saw once a week.
Yeah I used to, I mean I used to love sometimes I, I've even gone through the longest I've ever gone but I'll give myself a horse bath on those days you know. Yeah. Like I'll do with the sponge bath was which is essentially like towel wet armpits crotch asshole, you know, and then just then put soap on it, soap it up. So you just have like the funkiest parts of your body cleaned. Yeah.
Usually if I usually, if I do get into a hot shower I'm just hair, beard balls and pits like just that.
Yeah. And then that's it. I don't go my whole body but today I was like took the time. Wow.
If I suck like I really appreciate a shower now you know, what day do you think you're going to be like back. Like give me a day where you think I'm going to actually be like probably 80 percent, 90 percent.
Well, the arms move in really well, like so the break up. Nothing on that. No, nothing's on. I have titanium plates in there so. And it feels good. It feels pretty good.
And I have like a range of motion, like I can actually like move the arm, you know, you on Pat McAfee was the funniest goddamn thing, one of the funniest fucking thing.
You, him and AJ Hawk.
Yeah, I was crying. Laughing It was a fun time. Those guys were really fun. Pat and AJ are great men. I mean, what Pat's done is amazing.
I think it's amazing. Both of them. I'm fucking massively impressed them and the fucking. What's the other one? Oh, the the busboys. They're not the busboys. Goddammit. Type in barstool sports bus podcast in Nashville.
We actually talked about these guys. Really. I like KFC a lot. Like Kevin. Yeah, I love kids. Yeah, he's great. Bar stool bustling with the boys barstool sports, you know these guys I do, I don't know. Oh, no, it was me and it was me and British type in Boston with the boys there. They both play football for the Titans, I think. But with the boys. Why is this so hard?
You already have it. You got it.
Pastorale boards, sports guys. Can you get the host names, they sent me some merch, and I thought that it was from Dave Portnoy and it got stolen. The girls took it immediately. Girls take I mean, anything that gets sent to the house at school. Will Compton and Taylor look OK? Yeah, and they're fucking podcast is awesome. What I don't know, all these all these, but all these guys that are doing podcasts, I get so excited.
Fucking Dan Libertador, Dan Libertador doing a new thing. What's he doing? He's got he left ESPN. Now he's starting his own thing. See, here's the thing that I get. I get obsessed with.
Yeah. Like I remember telling someone about two birds, one cave, and they're like, well, hopefully you and Tom can sell that as a TV show. And I was like, Why?
Yeah, that's why I was like, no, that we would never do that. And they're like, well, wouldn't you like to get paid to do it? I know we do get paid to do it. And they're like, no, like big money, like the opportunity, get big money. I go, I think we're good. And then I started saying, what is the price point? OK, and I put this to Dan Libertador Busan with the boys, AJ Hawk and Pat Macfie.
What is the price point that you would pay, that you would take? To sell it, got to pick a poor price, you can't say no because I know are both her answers is no. Netflix says, we would like to produce two bears, one. We want to do 52 episodes a year. We want to come on every week, but we want to do it. How much do you get? And we also want to be able to put in our notes like we're not a big fan of the set and we might like some of their notes.
How much would how much would you sell to one K for?
And I put this question to them, because right now Dan Leadbitter is he was at a very successful show on ESPN and I think on Sirius XM. And then his contract came up or they were kind of fucking with him. Or maybe Disney is running out of money. I don't know what it is. And he went off and did his own thing.
And he was all I think he was offered by people certain price points to go and do or he could do his own thing. And we decided to do our own thing. Yeah, but we decided on our own back before anyone ever wanted us to do anything.
Now that people would buy this show, you know, we could sell the show to cover Central in a fucking heartbeat. They'd be like, oh, please, how much? What's your price point?
So is your question, though, like how much like to stop doing this, just stop making it fun and start doing it for a business.
For a television program. Yeah. To make it where all of a sudden you have like three producers that aren't really and they just they just got put on our project. Right. I'm not saying that Netflix would ever Netflix would probably be a great place to be able to go in there like.
And it's time for the funny five. Hey, guys, it's the funny five segment. Yeah. And I have segments that I don't want to do.
Original thoughts did so well. We want to do some not so original thoughts and we want you to really promote it. And we don't want a hashtag of Berts new website, brand new stereotypes. Yeah, that's I think that's a little off. So Bert, can you dial that back like, hey, that's part of the fun is the fucking broken ideas. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So how much would you how much would you sell it. A per year. Just this show per year. Justicia per year.
Would I need to get paid. Mm hmm. Personally, I mean it would definitely be well into eight figures.
Well I put the number on that. It was well over ten million. It would have to be like twenty five. Thirty five a year.
Thirty five. Million dollars. Yeah, because you're also paying for the fact that I'm doing something that I don't want to do now, so it's not just crazy, it's not just replacing revenue. It's like, well, now you've like now I'm in a bad mood about what you're making me do. So you have to pay a tax so that I come in with a smile. Right.
That's so funny because you forget because now like now like I'm in a bad mood now picturing how not fun your fuckin pitch was, you know, so like, when they go, this is a crazy amount of money. I'm like, yeah, because you fucking ruined my happiness.
So now you got to pay for it.
We did this for free. I mean, this was. Yeah, and it's fun.
I would do this for free like I. I don't want to do that. Sometimes they go like we'll start. I remember one time I was talking with Joe and he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, save it for the podcast. Yeah, you're like, oh, yeah, good call. Why would we have a regular relationship when we could do it all?
Well, it's green, which is leading me to because, like, you just gave a bullet points. This is a thing that they wouldn't want us to do on the show. You're like you're like porn as a talking like. So what did you watch a porn like what's the porn thing or what's this. What is this. Oh you you want to hang on guys.
Tomlins are really hammering the fact I didn't did a nine foot room. I don't, I don't even know if this is what he's playing. What is this. Go ahead.
No I can't get it. I don't. Oh, what is that what is this? I don't know, just make sure we got that. I don't know why he played that. I wonder if I could dunk her and I put rim now that I'm 17 pounds lighter. No, I said I just. Yes, you should try. Let me be there. I wonder if I could reenact your fall.
Can I tell you I'm shocked you're not on top ten plays of the week on SportsCenter.
I'm surprised that, like, more NBA people didn't reach out. That kind of hurt my feelings.
Yeah, it's amazing to look at someone in the NBA, do it and go, you're not breaking your knee and breaking your arm.
Yeah. And also, like, they're like coming down to get to the rim. They're like, oh, about.
Oh, it's crazy. It's crazy. Some dudes have like over forty inch verticals. It's just, it's freaky you know.
Dude did you see bam bam Balaklava. Another inseparate inspirational dude.
Action Bronson looks fucking amazing. Oh yeah. Yeah. Have you seen him to over 100 hundred pounds.
Type in action. Bronson Box jump. Yeah. Action. Bronson does a box jump where you're like shut the fuck up a thirty inch box jump or you go to the video.
Yeah. Yeah. Look at this. Right. This is fucking action. Bronson. Yeah. Hmm, after several misses, felt good. Yeah, he is in great shape, man, and he has actively lost fuck. He lost a lot of weight men.
He's my size right now. He's 240 is 240. He's 240.
He was, what, three sixty or more? I think he was. And do look at this. Look at his workout. Thirty three in a box jump after several misses, three a game from last week. A thousand one hundred kettlebell swings with one hundred pound kettlebell.
My fucking keyboard dedalus for 445 max 200. So I think we should start surfing when you get back in shape, you know, action Bronson surfing every week, is he he's going surfing all the time. Here he is.
You know, can I tell you he is good here, shockingly athletic. Like, really, really, really athletic. I say shockingly. I just think people look at a guy like that and you go, well, he's good at rapping, he's good at cooking. Why would he be good at right at a sports? He would have done that as a kid. Yeah, but man, he is like he got up on a surfboard.
With just flawless, just hopped up on a surfboard, really, I man, I would love to start surfing. Yeah, probably not going to ever happen. Cristina started taking surfing lessons when a few months ago. Shut up. Yeah, and she wants to do a surfing trip and everything. Yeah, hold on.
Yeah. When when you go do your shopping trip. I'm not doing it. What is she doing it with her friend who just.
I want to start surfing. Yeah, the two of them, they they went and got surfing lessons and then they're like, we want to go to, you know, chicks trip, probably go, oh, my God, I want to go on a party balls of Costa Rica. My problem is all the things that I attached to surfing is like drugs and alcohol.
And, you know, they're double team in the surf instructor. And it's not like that's not happening.
Oh, this Costa Rican guy's dick fell into our mouths.
Oh, right now I can surf.
Oh, I would love I would love to.
There's maybe I'll do a lifestyle change. I said Lilianna we were sitting in the kitchen and I go, how about this lifestyle change?
She was like, no lifestyle change. You know, my favorite, by the way, because it was really it's like I'm changing topics on you. But what it's such, you know, you do get bummed out when you're broken, like over the course of the month, you know, rehab and, you know, you can't move. And you're like, I'm just going to take a while. My favorite thing would be to watch that video and listen to you.
You go. That is impressive. You know that I say that, pull it up, let me hear it. Yeah, and you repeat it and I would be like, that feels good. No, I can't get that listen to. Oh, yes, that trust been lost a bit after they lost a bit of work. Yeah, they'll a look at it. I'm so happy you can look at my belly. And now and then I'm this is.
And then two minutes.
Two minutes before. We should do a time travel script where we take the videos we've shot, but then we do videos inside these videos.
So in this video we do this and then we reenact it. Right. This will be the movie. We reenact it, but we come in and then I mean, you come in and I go like I go, Tom, don't talk.
And you're like, what? And I was like, you've done it. You've nothing to prove.
Dude, I think about sometimes how right after that dunk I like fantasise that they raise it and I'm like, I'm good at that's that's the limit.
Know, that's what I'm doing on the treadmill today, that my workout was five sprints then followed by four minutes of endurance, followed by three sprints than two minutes of endurance and one sprint. And you're supposed to do your sprint is like like a nine. Mm hmm. And I got on this morning and I was like, I'm fucking tired. I don't feel like good. And I was like, I just want to get a quick run in. I'll come back.
I'll run again later tonight. So I start to do the the sprint. And they go, you know, maybe I'm saving my life by doing it at some point five, yeah, I go maybe I'm not blowing up my knee this morning, maybe I'm saving myself a trip to the hospital. How come there's no, like, spokesman for that? Like, David Goggins is always like is like, you know, fuck them, kill it.
You can't you can't break me. You can't kill me. Yeah. What about someone going, hey man, they can kill you. Yeah. Yeah. Pump the brakes. You can be that guy. Yeah. Yeah.
That can be your video. If you run too far you can get hurt. Just childre. Yeah. That's your video. Yeah.
Because I literally is on the treadmill and I was like I bet Tom wishes he had slowed it down that.
Why does it Nike have a commercial, someone do a commercial of just people getting hurt and then and then going maybe don't do it, maybe don't do it, maybe not within someone do a meme of you. Yeah. Go on. Just don't do it. Don't do it. Yeah. Someone put together that commercial of like epic fails and then have Tom in there every five.
Oh I think Tom will be in there. I don't even have to request. Just don't do it. Wait, so what's the porn thing. Why did you mention porno. It's stupid.
Tell me. I was watching the Ken Burns documentary on baseball. Have you seen it now? It's fucking awesome.
And I go back to the 1980s when I was obsessed with baseball and I was like. Why is it not? Interesting to me anymore, like I can watch baseball, but I'm not like into it the way I was into it. Yeah. As a kid, when they would Saturday morning this week in baseball, I would be, like, obsessed with plays of the week.
I would be obsessed with it.
And I was like, maybe it's the same reason I like porn because. I used to be able to watch that and then go, oh, I'm going to go try that this weekend, right? And then now I can't try any of those moves and your porn consumption way down. My poor consumption is up because I go I watch it and I go.
I can try that now on her weight. Then you just contradict yourself. No, no, no. I watch porn now and I think that's a cool move. I'm going to try that in bed. Oh, and so I can't do that with baseball.
So that's why I don't really give a fuck about my gosh, ok, ok. Yeah.
So I was like, maybe it's a correlation of. Yeah. Because you were doing the baseball game baseball every fucking day.
Yeah. And I was like oh I'm going to, I'll have a moment where I can dive and get a ball and now you're like I'm a sit on her mouth.
Yeah. I'm a fucking Gallagher out. Yeah. Oh I had a great agree with Leehan. You did Hall like you specified her like I was going to be somebody else. You know what I did?
You know what I did. She's not going to be totally comfortable with this, uh. I decided because a lot of our sex is set up like where the kids are gone and then we have some time, we don't get sneaky sex anymore because she just I don't know if she's not into it. Yeah. But like and it is creepy that your kids would be around their fucking teenagers, so. We go. I get out of the shower, maybe.
I got to shower, I'm sit on the bed and she comes in to take me, she sits on my lap and. I go, I closed the door before it, right, locked it, didn't know I'd done that, and I start hitting on her and she was like, what are you doing? What are you doing?
The girls are the girls. Is the door closed? And I'm like, the doors closed and locked.
She was like, Oh, boom, I was off to the fucking races. Nice. Yeah, I think it was early. So the kids were still asleep.
So they were in their rooms asleep. Yeah. Fucking put in work. Yeah. Put in work and then. And then right as it was my turn you know I go to her first account of what is it. My turn. I heard we heard someone go moaner talking to the dogs and she's like this has got to happen quick. And I was like, you've got the right guy.
It was interesting. I haven't done one. I haven't done a sneaky one like that. Like where? Got to where. It wasn't like, hey, do we have like ten minutes that are we cool.
You know, it was nice. I got to go. Hey you ever fuck a cripple before.
She's like, no, I know it's temporary. I'm like, it's not temporary, I'm disabled, I'm I'm here at the VA clinic every day just trying to get my meds. You want to fuck?
Sorry, but I'd like to dictate a book to you with one blink of my eye.
How much does it make you feel aware that this fucking hands on you you like take a finger out of the glove and throw up?
Just I'm just doing physical therapy guys like such a cripple.
Do you take the glove off the fuck or do you keep it on. It adds to the fun factor.
As with the glove.
Spell out how this thing is not playful and it's the weirdest thing. I can't believe someone invented that. Yeah, they did a good job, though. It's really helpful, really. What does it do? Strengthens your fingers.
Well, it gives you a bigger like it gives you range of motion, more ability than you would have because the tension bands pull your finger back to normally your hand would just be like this.
It was just like I would go like, oh really? Yeah. So you can do that and then it keeps your wrist up where I have to, like, concentrate and like so it keeps it up as opposed to, like, dropping down. Oh, yeah. When you get take that thing off.
I don't know when you get your fingers back when it when my hand comes on, when, when can you start lifting weights and doing bicep curls last week.
Really. Yeah. And I have to reget it. No I have to put on a I wrap my entire wrist and hand in like a boxing wrap. Yeah. Then I put another wrap on it and then I put a weight in my hand and I wrap the weight into my rig it into my hand so that I can because it's not the arm strength that's the problem is the hand wrist stuff.
Shut the fuck up. Yeah. So I like tie a weight to my hand.
Everyone be grateful for your mobility and use your mobility this week and send us and those of you using your mobility, if you have it in your heart, fuck somebody who is disabled.
Oh I like that. We need it. We want to come to God.
I hope it's you that's just disabled for a long time. Why? Because I don't hope I don't that's why I'm trying to be healthy, because I was like that. If that had been me, it would've been a show. I'd never done the rehab. I would never do anything. Why would you not do the rehab? It's just not that guy. I was thinking about it today. Yeah. And I was like you said, you had to rehab six days a week.
And I was like, I have go three. Yeah. I'm working at like every day man. And what do they you just do stuff like the grab.
So yeah, it's like they're like, you know, can you brush your teeth and stuff. No, it's just like, it's just exercises. It's basically like it's workouts. So it's, it starts with like stretching stuff because you got to like warm up everything. So you do like stretches and like, you know, like you just like a series of stretches. And at first it was just that body weight, things like leg lifts and side, you know, whatever hip abductor stuff.
And then now I started to weight.
So I did deadlifts the other day. No. Yeah. But with lowered weight and raised like not from the floor. Right. So they raise it up and then. Yeah, I did overhead press.
I also like going to get. Will you measure your leg versus the other model now. Really. Yeah. It's totally atrophied. Yeah. Really. Because you haven't used any muscle in there.
Well not no that's not entirely true. I because I have been doing all the, all the stuff. Yeah. But it's not like the way you used, not like you're using that leg. This leg is doing a lot. Maybe you just keep it that way.
Yeah. Just limp it just. Yeah. And just do you remember what a limp was a thing. Oh it still is. I'll show you.
I get the new brace on Friday.
I'm so excited really. It's a bendy brace. So this is a straight brace. I get to bend my leg on Friday. Oh, they bent it the other day and. And you could feel it. Feel it. Yeah.
I was like, oh yeah. Hurts.
You're literally there. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. It's just the tightness that what hurt was like.
I was like, oh my. Because if you keep something straight for fucking six weeks. Oh my God.
You know, when you bend it it's not going to feel good. Yeah.
You know, we should have done one thing about this until now. We should have been in solidarity. Me and everyone that works here and all our fans should have put a brace on one of our legs for a month so that we could all rehab together. Yeah.
What the fuck, guys? Thank you for watching. At least any text. No, it's not. It's not. Let me see if he. I asked, I was like, come on, man, me know what's up, it's going to be great. Super Bowl Sunday, Super Bowl Sunday, which I think. No, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
The big game Sunday night. Right. We're not allowed to edit that out. That's OK. We can say it here. I think it's trademarked. So it won't be like it won't be promoted as Super Bowl.
So I wonder how bad that lawsuit is.
It's probably I mean, I think they probably are pretty serious. It's a registered trademark of the respect you. I wonder if it's worth the lawsuit for the press we've got.
OK, Super Bowl Sunday. We are. We're going to be live streaming a companion show with the big game, the big game that the final game of the professional football season. And we're going to be doing it the final game of the professional football season.
That's right. And we're doing it here with a very notable human being who we will soon announce, look on our social media and everything, and definitely by next week will confirm it.
But it's not the right side. It is definitely not the rock.
So, you know, and by the way, again, a huge thank you to everybody that got the two bears hats.
I thought that I ordered enough, but we will get I don't think we're going to do those again. I don't know unless I mean, unless people we may do those again.
But we have another idea we're working on that is logit.
It's remarkable. It actually makes me so excited.
It makes me more it might be something I rock every every single day or way too many days in a row.
It's it's here's the thing.
It makes me feel like I feel gratitude that. The possibility of this is real just because we're like I go like I'm a comedian and this opportunity is here. It doesn't even make sense.
It's going to blow your fucking minds. It's going to blow your minds. And and I can't wait. I hope it happens before I start touring maybe in June. When do you start touring again? October.
Well, I, I have club dates from February through the summer and there are tours officially starts in August, September, August, September.
I hope that we have them before August when we both I think we'll both be out on the road at some point around then yeah I hope we have them so people can can bring them to the shows if that makes. I don't want to I want to tell you too much, but I hope to see a sea of them. It's really crazy.
It's fucking it's you know, I hope I'm so excited.
It's so silly that that it's real.
It's so silly that a major professional sports organization is like, yeah. And Tom, what's up?
We're pretty pumped. Yeah. All right. That's it.
Thank you guys for watching and listening. We love you. See you next week. We love you more than we love our wives for sure.
Their little one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in bird style machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call there's. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur photography, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what I recall. So there's one case.