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We got to be able to find those girls. That's a great list to see if you like. We're trying to find this person. Hey, honey, didn't you go to Rome in 2005? You smell your feet till I get you a waitress who served by dessert.
Shaky for that actress.
For the cocktail waitress from Toronto, 100 percent to 20 to one.
You gave everyone a lot of lemons. So Bud Light seltzer made Bud Light seltzer lemonade a light and refreshing like a seltzer, but it's packed with lemonade flavored lemonade.
Listen, 20-20 was lemons.
Yeah, it was. You know what it did? It ruined touring.
It ruined all lives shows, ruined all television production, all movie production.
You know how we made lemonade, live shows, live shows which are doing live streaming and then driving that that's that's that's your lemonade.
Doubled down on our podcast. Yes. And also, gas is made possible by the great people. But Seltzer, Seltzer, it is available in a variety pack of food is delicious flavors. Original black, cherry, strawberry and peach, five percent alcohol by volume only hundred calories bold bubble packed with lemonade flavor. It really is like I mean I felt I could drink quite a few of these.
I have done quite a few of them so far.
But I will tell you it is get it delivered at Bud Light dotcom slash delivery. No, I wouldn't do that.
I wouldn't. Oh no I wouldn't do that. I wish I had.
Are we going. I wish I had your ability to say no. I think you do though. I do not. But you could do it.
I mean, everybody has the the capacity to do it. It's just a matter of like, you know, it's a it's a it's a process.
There'll be Coovadia 23 and me that you do. And they go, oh, here.
Are you the Nojin. Yeah, it's hereditary. Hey, I know that my oldest son has it. Oh he's like he's like, fuck you man. George, he's got it.
Georgia fucking puts limitations on me today.
I go, I go. Listen, you know, dad's going to be gone for a while so why don't we every day we're on five o'clock we'll get together as a family. We'll maybe sit in the front yard, we'll go for a walk over hike, ride bikes. And she goes, well, you know, we've got to look at homework and stuff and I'm like, stop, you don't get to tell me that like, right. I tell you to go do your homework.
Yeah, exactly. And then I remember one time I was like, oh, yeah, hey, we're all getting we're going to bounce out tonight. We're going over to the Hazlitt's to go have dinner. And she was like, you know, let's pump our brakes, Tom. I swear to God, she was in like fourth grade. Yeah. She was like, let's check to see with mom first. And I was like. I think they talk behind my back.
They do and they do, they definitely do.
I would linnear when you when you leave for anything coming up, they're going to be like, oh, I've already I've already predicted that if I leave for something for a long time and I come back, they're going to be sitting around a cauldron, just going double double coil and travel.
Oh. Male privilege is bad. Yeah, oh, the patriarchy has arrived to patriarchy, so I'm going to fuck man I, I, I've said some really shitty things around our house.
What kind of things? The broads. You fucking tore the like that, some horrible things in our house. About not I mean, like if if our female friends heard the way I talk privately to LeAnn about, like, my confusion with raising young women, I wouldn't go out, oh my God, I get fucking canceled tomorrow.
I get canceled. If someone can get a Alexis cam to do our next can share it with us now.
Oh, I've been I've been I've been I've been on a loss. So when you raise a girl.
I thought you raised them the same. I thought you raised a girl same way you raise a boy. Yeah, and then that was what equality was. But it's not. It's not. You've got to raise them like a girl, but then also with it, it's all gets a little confusing. I'm confused right now. Yeah, just like when you have boys, you get to go in.
When they cry, you go, hey, pull together, knock that shit off. Yeah. The fuck are you doing? I'm going to teach you to be a man. I'm gonna give you a perfect example, OK? This is a perfect example. There's a perfect example. OK, this is a true story. I made a bet with a child one time, a boy we were going to the Rams game. I told you the story stopped me.
If I told you the story, we're going to the Rams games for their first game against me and his dad have season tickets and he comes out in the Seahawks jersey. I go, you know, what do you want Seahawks jersey for? We just got Rams season tickets. Take the fucking jersey off. Yeah. Go back in your Ramchand now he goes nah Seahawks fan. He's maybe ten years old. He's going into fifth grade I think. Fourth grade.
Yeah. I go take the fucking jersey off and his dad shows up because what the fuck you were in New Jersey for. He goes Seahawks are going to win. I bet you they aren't. And he goes to the will. How much you want to bet. And he goes, you name it. I said, two hundred bucks. He goes, done. I said, you don't have two hundred bucks. And he goes, pick it, go tomorrow and pick anything out.
I said, I want anything in your room, I want your hair. He said, what. And I go up the Rams when I get to cut your hair and he goes, I go, hold on buddy. Think this through your deal.
I go, hold on, stop. And his dad's already laughing. His dad's like, hey, listen, you should really think this out because this is a bet and I won't let you do this. You'll learn because I think he goes, I really think this year are going to win. So I think you'll take Bert's money. But Burt's going to I'm going to make Burke give you his money. But if Bert wins.
Yeah, then you got to get there. You've got to he's he has to cut your hair and he goes, deal.
And he goes, take take a beat. Think about this. Yeah. He goes down. I don't need to think it over and he goes, OK, make the bet with Burton, shake on it. We shake on it and I start crying. Laughing. Right. We're all the whole family drives in one car to the seat to the Rams game where I'm gay.
All I'm doing is googling bad haircuts the whole time, the whole game I'm getting drunk. Still am. I'm not even watching the game. I'm Googling bad haircuts, just the worst haircuts. You can think the Rams fucking win. I am now wasted. OK, yeah. We are driving back school starts the next day. That is a very important part of the story. School starts the next day. The moms are not really privy to what's going on.
I am fucking wasted. We go to my house, we get my clippers, we put him in the backyard. He doesn't give a fuck. He lost a lot of shit. Don't give a shit. First thing I do is I cut his bangs to look like simple Jack. Right, so.
And he looks at me and he goes, Does it look cool?
I think about this, but you're not the case here. That's what happened when I cut your hair, I cut your hair and, you know, I cut your beard and you looked up and you go, does it look good? Me and his dad are crying, laughing, crying, laughing.
Fucking sobbing. Laughing Right. We're videotaping all of this.
And I go, oh, this is my I'm not pissed yet. The moms were inside.
I know what's going on. The girls are outside. All the girls are outside. And they go, Buddy, you thought the bet was I my biggest joy in life would be to cut your hair like it was a privilege to cut your hair.
I said, no, I'm fucking your head off.
Yeah, I'm ruined. And he goes, Why would you do that?
And I said, You should have thought about all the angles.
And then the moms came out and they were fucking live caucus and my head was so fucking boring.
I go, I go.
We're just going to shave his head anyway. Like it's easy. You can give them a nice buzz cut. It's going to be fine in my head. Yeah, but the thing is to raise a man. Yeah. You got to let him see all the angles. Tin cup. Remember when to cup goes. I can hit a seven iron further than you can. And Don Johnson goes, I bet you can't hit at one seventy. And then he goes and then hits it down the road.
He lost the bet.
That's how you raise him in how you don't get into stupid wagers. Yeah. Which I've been in the majority of my life.
Yeah. I had there was a babysitter at our house. This is like this is probably. August, September or something like that, and I was I thought this was when you were a child. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's going to be no, no, it's like whatever, seven months ago or something. And we're running with Ellis 15 yards back and forth. And sometimes I pull back and he would get to the end.
He go, I win. I'm like, yeah. And then if I want to, I just turn it on. And then I would he goes, I win. I got no you lost. He was like, no, I win. I go, no, I was first. So I win. You lost.
And the babysitter was like, do you need to do that? And I go, Yeah. She goes, he's four. And I was like, yeah, but he thinks he's winning right now. He's losing. So I should tell him that sometimes you lose. He, he threw a tantrum, you know, he cried and then I was like, all right, let's do it again. And then I beat him again and then he cried again.
But then eventually he came around and he got it that like, you don't win every time, you know, with a girl, you got to be like, these are the parameters of raising a buck and raising a young kid.
By the way, I know that what we're saying is toxic as fuck.
Yeah, but that's the whole point. That's why we're number one. Yeah. First grade. Tom, I can't tell you how much of that life lesson connects with me. First grade. I come home on the fastest kid in first grade. Yeah. I beat Tony Price in like a sixty yard dash. I'm now the fastest kid in first grade. Yeah. My dad ran track and field for Villanova. My dad almost was like an Olympic hopeful.
Right. Sitting in our house, he's got wheels then and he has logit wheels.
So I say to my dad, I'm fast kid in first grade, and he goes, Oh, that's great, buddy. I got him pretty fast. And he's like, that's really interesting.
I go, I bet I could be you in a race. He goes, I bet you everything you can. And I said, I'm pretty fast. I beat Tony Price. And he goes, Oh shit about this. I will fuck you up.
And I'm like, No, no, you won't. And he goes, let's go out front. Let's go out front on this race. And I go, OK, I get down, Tom.
I mean, I put my fucking my kangaroos on. I got you ready.
I remember so vividly there was a cop that lived next door.
We posted up by the the green fucking power box that would sit on in Florida. There would be like these being green electrical boxes. Yeah. That would just hum. And in the winter you'd lay on them. They were warm. I'm sure we got cancer from it. But I remember posting up right by there. My dad says on the of you call it. And I went I was like, no, I got the real events that go and I took off running head down, head down sprinting.
And I'm like, I am certain I'm ahead of him. I look over, I don't even see him. I'm like, I am blown this guy. I look up and he's running backwards and he goes, You'll never beat me at anything.
I have all these lessons ready, sixth grade, sixth grade, I'm playing tennis, I'm a really good tennis player at the time. Well, you know that. Yeah, so. So I said I'm really hit them good, too.
And I say to my dad, I go, I'm really, really running around. And he goes, well, why don't we play a match or bet on something?
I said, OK, here's what do you want. I said, a puppy. He goes, OK, puppy. I said, yeah. And he goes, If you win, you get a puppy.
I go, All right, I want a puppy. He wins. I had to mow the lawn. Oh, OK.
So we start playing and he starts fucking destroying me. It's not fun anymore.
Yeah, I can't hit these back. He goes, yeah, I know you're losing. And I was like, no, but I was just because no, you weren't beating me.
I was letting you play with me because I'm a man and this is how this works.
I don't want to I remember him very clearly going, I don't want a fucking puppy.
I thought there would be a chance that was the drive for him to kick your ass. Not having a baby.
But those those are such.
And by the way, I'm certain that I'm certain I'm not certain there's a feminist watching our show, but there's I'm certain there's someone watching our show going, this is why you're fucked up.
But it's super easy when you raise a boy. So there are certain qualities you need to be men just simply because, look, retribution sucks for us. Yeah. You learn to talk shit to people the way my wife has.
Yeah. With no backlash sometimes. Yeah. Hey, fuck yourself, asshole.
Yeah. And but as a man they pull the car over, get out and they're like, now what's up? And you're standing in front of your jeep on Laurel Canyon and you get knocked unconscious.
That's why. Did that happen to you? I don't like that. And I was like, that's a guy who guys, you learn.
Yeah. Yeah. And my dad, by the way, kicked my ass and everything, too. And he also, you know, he was a he was a competitive weightlifter. So he would also do things like he'd be like I'm doing, you know, power cleans and he's like, you're doing it wrong. I was like, oh, how should I do it? Thinking he's going to coach me. And he would be like, Just watch me.
And I watch him do and he goes, do it like that, and I guess not really like. Coaching, yeah, and then he'd be like, hmm, and just walk away, as I was really cool lesson that I learned 11 years old, I get 26 teeth knocked out of my mouth. I know. I've told people this story.
I'm catching it's my birthday, I'm crying, oh, yeah, yeah, I remember this, my dad looks at me, you take the gear off and I was like, thanks those who made him feel guilty. And he goes, go play shortstop.
He's like, hey, we got one out left. If I sub you out, we lose the game, get over shortstop. I remember being like, but say what? And now, now here's the I'm trying to teach my daughters, I'm trying to teach my daughters the worth and putting yourself in uncomfortable situations.
Yeah, because as both of us know, the reason the reason I'm not saying like we're not the Kevin Hart the world, but the reason we were making a living as comics is that. We've consistently put ourselves in uncomfortable situations enough so that when we are put into another one, we're not uncomfortable anymore. I actually used to being uncomfortable, right, for that thing. I was telling you out there that I had to do that. I was like I was nervous.
Yeah. I told my daughters I was nervous.
I didn't want to do it. It scared me.
Yeah, but you've been in that situation now a lot to shoot a Netflix special. Yeah. Nerve wracking, nerve wracking, nerve racking or even these huge shows can be obviously intimidating.
Right. There's thousands of people at the show and. Yeah.
And you got your parents in the audience or your wife or your wife's family in the audience. There are nerves on everything I said, but the more you get used to being uncomfortable, the more it feels natural to you. And then when you get through this than that.
And I just and I'm trying to have this speech with my daughters and I'm going. And then Lianne's like, do you think they got it? And I was like, I hope so. Either that or I hope they Merriwell she's like, what did you just say?
And I was like, I don't know.
She was like, did you just say, I hope they marry well?
And I was like, but that's a good wish. I was like, what the fuck am I trying to teach them to be?
Is it wrong? To what if they're like, but then you're just going to leave stuff to us, so why do we have to do that? That's my fear. My fear is that, like, you see so much diplomatic talk about like like fuckin I don't know, I'm saying a name, but like and I'm trying to get out of this, but like, say, a name, celebrity's daughter is big famous person now and then. All she really has to do is do tech talk and have her dad dance with her.
And also he gets a million views. She comes to influence influencer and she can get a deal. And I go I want to tell them, you know, that's not real. Like, don't don't that's not the goal. No, the goal is to strive.
OK, how about this? You ready for this? My biggest goal in life is to get my dad to say was proud of me, like my dad being proud of me was like the fucking thing like. And I said not only could get pride out of my dad if I. If I focused, I worked hard and I accomplished something that was out of my reach. And I think they were just like. You mean like making dinner, and I was like, no, but also they're still super young, you know, we were young, but but I but I feel like at that age, like and by the way, I'm not also just to be very fair, I'm being very one sided in this.
If I got my dad on the phone, my dad would be like, hey, buddy, you are a total fuck up. And I really didn't get my life lesson speech until I was 26. Right. And I still am a fuck up. I'm still today a big fucking fuck up. I'm a huge fuck up. Yeah.
But like, it's I'm I'm at a loss with raising girls that where I go, I just like like you can't just beat them at everything because then you're just perpetuating. Sure. The patriarchy.
I think you doing a great job mansplaining like. OK, all right. Let's pivot. You're ready. Yeah.
The streets are hot right now. Today on the ride here I had. Three incidents, three incidents of road rage accidents almost getting pulled over you. Yes, I didn't realize you had that.
I have been driving a lot, so I never knew I had road rage. And then I was like, I bet easy in this town. I bet Tom has great road rage.
I've lost my shit a few times. You know that one time I rear ended somebody and I've attended a couple of people in this town.
But one time one time I did it and I got out and I was like, what the fuck? To the person in front of me? And they're like, You hit me. And I go, Yeah, because it's this fucking thick hit me. And I turn around and know and it hit me.
And by the way, the person I hit hit a car in front of them and they hit a car in front of them.
So I was responsible for like five cars. What's this 2000?
Was this the Malibu? Yes. I love that Malibu. Yes. That was the first time I realized you had taste in cars. That was one of my favorite cars you had.
Well, here's the thing. That was when they did a redesign and it actually looked like before then, you're like, this looks like shit. And they made like a cool design. I had like a like a gray one. It looked good. It looked good.
That's a great that's a great game. Let's look at the hottest fucking affordable cars because cars these days are not affordable.
There's so much money, it's not affordable, there's so much so type in you do the research.
I'm going tell a story, do the research, and then you pull up top ten affordable cars. OK, but give us a second. Yeah, give a second. And you you you guys do the work in there and then when we come to you then you'll have pictures.
I don't want to put you on the spot. Yeah.
OK, so let me walk you to my road rage, OK? Very, very, very first. A bit of road rage is I'm trying to turn I don't want to be off of Laurel Canyon onto a smaller street.
Right. I mean, the Oak Lane. Yeah. And cars are coming this way. But more and more than ample time, Mom and I started to turn and I see a guys in the middle of the street about to walk with his cocker spaniel. And by the way, this is very specific to what I do in life. Cocker spaniel with a cheap blue mask.
I know this guy. Yeah. He's got no respect for himself.
OK, hadn't had a haircut in a while. Don't really have a hairstyle is a little curly. I hope this guy goes.
I think he's talking about me. Yeah. And he purposely slows down so I'm stuck there. He like I watch him see me and slow his dog.
Pull his dog back his dog nails. Yeah. Yeah. And so I honk four times.
It scares the shit out of his dog, scares the shit out of him and I fucking punch it and almost heel this guy. I'm like, fuck you, I'm about to get it. What you're doing is a bullshit move. You realize I'm in the wrong. I should have seen that you were halfway and then. All right, I'll just let him cross all the way here. But I fucked up a little bit. You could be a Christian and walk.
Yeah, but he didn't ask the first set of road rage and and I almost pulled around to fuck with him again. I think I'm now losing my mind like a young white guy.
Coming up, we're going to bring race into this way to hear the next story.
So hold on. Don't do it yet. Surprise us.
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So now I'm on Riverside. OK, driving on Riverside won't be very, very broad stroke specifics. I think this guy might be a fan of our shows. Just guessing. OK, person of color. OK. This car looks like the kind of car they should have, a shotgun sticking out of it when it hit Cuba Gooding Jr. face while he holds a gallon of milk. Do you know what I'm saying?
OK, like it.
OK, like it looked it had the vibe of like early 90s, but it was murdered out windows tinted as fuck gold rims lowered loud as fuck.
And this is what the cop didn't know. I say cop because it's got an end to it.
He was fucking with me.
The guy was the guy in the car was I didn't even sometimes you don't realize you're in the middle of road rage until it's already happening. Yeah.
And they're like what the fuck's going on.
And he flew past me but he got so close to me I was like, oh shit. He almost hit me like my car.
If something close to me, my car will swerve out of the way. I don't know why it'll swerve out of the way and hit the brakes. Yeah.
And that happened, which scared the fuck out of me. I was like, fuck this.
I was like, all right, stay at my house. My rules stay away from that guy. Then he does it to another car and I'm like, this guy is fucking driving with like and then I was like, first of all, I get you think your car is fast. My car is actually pretty fucking fast. So there's a big truck and he's behind the truck and I'm behind him and I punch it.
I mean. All the money I spend per month in this car is worth at this moment where I live.
This guy and he gets fucking pissed, then he flies up behind me, cuts around, gets in front of me, punches, punches his brakes.
Right. Jesus, what the fuck? That super aggressive gets over, takes off. And I go, fuck this. I'm going to catch this guy, go to hit the gas and I see a cop pull out.
Pulled him over, pulled him over. He started this morning and in my head, I was like we were kind of going the same speed. But I think the cop was like, that car looks responsible. This one looks like a badass. Let's get this guy. Yeah.
What's so funny, man, it's so interesting is that I noticed that the guys when those were murdered, I remember I told you about window tanning and the first thing you did is loaded all those windows.
Oh, yeah. That's the first thing I did. Oh yeah. Oh, shit.
I got a ticket in the Malibu at LAX just doing a drop off. So easy to be done with the airport cops, you know, because they just pulled me over. So what's this all about? Like tends to dark was like, God damn it, that's a fucking shitty ticket to you have to go get it and then you have to fucking show them that you did it.
My heart bleeds for those airport cops because they are they deal they deal with so much bullshit.
Wait, let me change this on you real quick. We have not addressed this in, like, for real yet because of our schedule. It's been a couple of weeks now that we did the two bears, one Sape Live show. And I just want to tell you that I have not been that annihilated in a long time to the next morning. First of all, I had so much fun doing that. There was so much fun.
It was a blast, but it was a fucking blast. And thank you to Warren Sapp the next morning. Yeah, Warren was just incredible. But the next morning I was like, oh, and I got up and I was like, I can't do a fucking thing. And I forgot that I was having blood work at the house. The nurse came to the house. Why are we having blood work? Just test levels of everything. So she I guess I mean, a protocol of like a recovery thing or something.
Oh, my God. So the nurse comes to my house and I was like, oh, hi. I mean, she goes, hi, mom. You know, your liver enzymes? Oh, she's like, uh, rough night. Like, right away. I was like, kind of. Kind of.
So she pokes me and she's like, Hmm. And I go, but she goes, it's weird.
I go, what?
She goes, your blood is when I put the needle in I heard yeah. She goes your blood.
Let me try somewhere else. So then she switches to another vein in my hand and she goes, are you really dehydrated right now? And I go probably. And she goes, What did you do? I go, I got pretty fucked up last night. And she goes, Your blood's like glue right now. Like, she goes, I can't draw blood. No way.
Because I don't have to, like, come back because you're super or you look and see you look at the tube and there's like one like blob of blood stuck to the side because that's what's coming out right now.
Shut the fuck up. So we had to reschedule. And that's when you posted that video of you in the chair going, I got fucking wasted last. Yeah, yeah.
I got fucking dude, dude, I didn't. And then the other thing was Lindsay took me home. And I was like, oh, shit, like it took me a second ago. I don't remember getting dropped off. Oh, that was I was like I was like, oh, I don't remember coming home at all. Yeah, I remember.
And then you go, did I pick a fight with my daughters? Yeah. I go, Lindsey, you drop me off. He was like you were saying some pretty wild shit in the car. And then I thought Christina, I was like, how fucked up was that? She was like, you were just rambling.
And I just was like, nodding while you were drinking hard as fuck. I was drinking whiskey. You never drank. Yeah. Yeah.
You got to eat edibles with this BORKE Dude, I had so much fun on that. I kept I woke up the next morning. I woke up the next morning. I had to fucking my first visit with my personal trainer.
Oh my God. She was she had a mask on, I think because I smelled so bad. She was like, I can smell that. And I was like, oh yeah, it's bad. Yeah. And I was I was like, I'm gonna have to slow down. I'm going to take my throw up. And she was like, oh, OK.
And so but in that there were highlights, my favorite moment and I wish, I wish we could do. Can I tell you what I wish we could do.
I wish we could do a highlight reel for like five bucks. Yeah.
And just don't do the whole game but just do like a 45 minute highlight reel because it's a four hour game, four and a half hour. Four and a half hour. Well, you're ready for a game. Yeah. Our videos, four and a half hours, four and a half hours.
Because there was my favorite moment of the whole thing was right when I started really getting a buzz and he walked out and you were like, we've shown him a lot of geisha.
Yeah. And I was like, yeah, yeah. Like, I think he thinks we just brought him here to fucking. I know, because at one point it was like, here's the opening thing, it's the guy's dick. Here's our first commercial. It's and by the way, what's crazier is like Warren Sapp is the least homophobic person. He's not like he's not the least homophobic. And he was like he was like, all right.
What like what is that like? He was like trying to play a little more like I don't know why we like this song, but he's like he's like, it's cool.
But like, what's up with being so gay? And we were like, just, you know, there were so many fucking highlights of that when I woke up the next morning.
And when we do live shows, I wake up the next morning and I just giggle so hard at the moments like, so this is the best.
Super Bowl is my favorite Super Bowl role I've ever been sick.
I go maybe. What about the one you were in on that moment that I had better take?
That was so fucking fun. It was. I'll tell you what.
There was a lot of learning in it. He's got he's he's got a great sense of humor. His personality is like perfect for camera Mike.
Like he do he he talks like he can fill air like that. That was one of the things I noticed I was not good at. Well, he wasn't. One thing I will say is that, like, I was turned this way to watch the game.
Yeah, well, I never felt engaged in the conversation. You guys were both looking the same way. So I felt like that was you guys. And you really did a lot of all of the heavy lifting in the first half, like you talked football, you talked all the stuff that is like really interesting shit. And I remember being like, I don't think I could be a play by play commentator.
I mean, these guys I was like they talked the whole fucking whole game.
The whole game in there was so one of the best we had during the show was something we started before the live show, which, by the way, if you want to watch it now, it's at Why Image Studios Dotcom on the Reynold's page if you want to see it.
So one of the things we did this was an idea of yours, which was really funny, which was we shot Adam Razzles the best. His was amazing.
Do you know what? So a lot of people hit us up about, oh, did mine get played? So what we did was we shot this like little promo where you're in the shower naked.
Yeah. And the camera pans up and then it turns and I'm watching you shower drinking, you drinking a beer. Then I'm drinking a beer and we just kind of funny and creepy and weird. Yeah. And then you said ATV's. So we got over 1500 submissions and we were supposed to pick three for the live show.
And so in all of the I mean, like, no, we didn't get to to that many. Yeah. Yeah. Not even close, but we found I mean there's this one, this one really warmed my heart personally.
I'll just see if I can, uh. Oh, yeah, what is this? It's cool. Oh, let me. OK. Wow. Yeah, nice, right? And then she she said, I'll eat your scrumpy. Who is that? So that is Valerie. Get in your car.
So she has like a I guess, one of the biggest, only fans accounts that there is. Yeah. And she has a big Instagram, which is basically like, you know, teaser.
Oh, little. My little girl's got tits, little NASCAR tits, Google little mouse got tits. No, mom's got breast implants. What do you guys introduced me to little Nas. I'm saying it right now and no got breast implants. These are my. Got breast implants. What little man's got tits and they're fucking awesome. Not for real. This has got to be a bit man. I don't think so, I mean, know they look real.
Yeah. They do look real. You know, little noise got its. Do you like the way Burt's brain works, we were just looking at a check that has real nice tits and then he was like, little man has got tits. I got fucking trashed by my daughters calling them Little Noss. I call I trashed you a real.
Yeah. Oh, I'm on that part.
The weekend's awesome that that was the scene of the weekend.
You know that that's what Warren bonded with me the most over right. Was was you being like who's this guy.
I've heard all the songs I didn't know. But here's the problem is like I know I know there's a guy named Future. I know there's a guy named NBA. Yeah, I know there's a guy named Tory Laine's. I know that. I know that those are all people.
Yeah, but, you know, I don't know.
It is by the way, I can be very honest. I know who Chief Keef is. I never heard one of his songs.
I know who you know the names of another name. I heard the name. I've heard the weekend like I've heard it. Yeah. But I don't know what they do. I've never heard any of their songs. And then when you hear a song and time again, that's just me not listening to the radio. Yeah, it's not.
And you know, and so but then when you tie it and you're like, oh this weekend guys fucking good.
That was my favorite part. Is that like he kept playing. No one hits and you're like, this is a fucking good song.
Yeah. You're like this guy really can really care. He's doing the halftime super. Yeah, I didn't realize that.
Of course he's doing the halftime show. He's talking. He's a big bigot. So we go back to those. OK. Oh let's she has only fans.
OK, so if you ever seen you ever see like I've actually you've had an only fan, you've been a fan and only like you. I did. I did Krista America. I was an only fans of hers.
It's actually only fans is a pretty good setup financially for someone who's worried they're going to steal their credit card.
Well, I haven't actually been signed up for one. Oh, we got a corporate account. OK, where we can.
So this check, though, like when you ever you go to someone who has and only fans on their social media, like on Twitter or Instagram, a lot of times they'll say like top it'll say like top six percent of only fans.
I'm meaning like I am I deliver the goods because I'm in a top. She's a top zero point zero six percent.
What does she do? I mean, I assume it's got to be good. I don't know. What does it what does she do?
I thought it's her driving a car and doing hot girl shit. I don't fucking know. She just drives a car.
Well, like, if you go to her Instagram, it's at get in the car underscore.
OK, that's what it is. That's fucking it up here. You can watch it. Oh yeah. Yeah. What am I doing on my phone.
So yeah there's her Instagram. Get in the car. Sounds super.
So kidnappee. Right.
So Tozzi top point zero six percent meaning she's got to be making an insane amount. Let me see what she doesn't answer. Well yeah. Scroll down here.
So, like, for instance, keep scrolling, guys. Jesus Christ, I mean, I just think it's like, you know, you get the like, look at the left when they're in the overalls.
Oh, right. So that's like a teaser in a way of like, hey, this is what I do. You know, let's real quick, let's get in on the and let's check her out.
Her only fans, I mean, is that she's not wearing anything.
She's not wearing a bra. Got really great boobs. Yes, she does. She does. She's got really great moves in the bad suspension.
That and all the clothes that about video and go to like, uh, get in the car.
So she is about being in a car. So I think her hook is like she has a she has a 68 Mustang.
She likes cars, she's she's into cars and then she's super hot.
So it's like, you know, her running on the beach or running on the beach. Yeah, it's that's only got 6000 likes. Yeah, I guess, but all this is just to, I'm assuming just drive people to the only fence, you know, a smart it is smart.
So then so then she does porn on her only friends. I don't know if she does porn. Let's find out how quickly can you get an only found fans account. What is the over under 30 minutes for them to get an only fans. Let's see.
Um, I know I haven't. I think they can probably make it happen quicker. They had so Christy Mack had the UN. So here's a question. They have to you can't tether your only fans to your Instagram.
Well, I don't I don't know. I just know that that, you know, she's got to have a huge following there.
I am dying to see what she does in this car. Yeah, I mean, like it's sometimes like it's her driving around with another hot chick and they're just fucking they're just yeah, tits the flash people. So I don't know if it's like just that or if it gets, like, you know, racier. All right. I hope so. Scroll down. Scroll down. Oh, they're picking up. Keep going, keep going. She's really pretty.
She's very pretty. And like I said, um, she loves the show.
Oh, yes. Oh, dude, fucking. So, you know. Stuff like that. Burton, he's signing up. By the way, I need to get an the fans because I don't mind. You need. You mean you provide content and only fans know what would I do?
Be hot. Get in the car. I mean, she's taking her top off. Can you do to just dude? You'd be so hot. What about you doing road rage stuff shirtless in your car? The problem is, it's like it's like right now what's happening is this is the way I see the progression.
So comics who comics who get like gossip on their podcast, then put that on their patriarch. But I do still think that gossip gets out. It doesn't knock it out. Right. And so, like, if I got an only fans and I just started, like, showing you my dick, my dick still gets out. So it's all right. Right.
So it's like I don't really see the I don't see the upside of like when they said, like, was the girl some girl actress got an only fans and then everyone got upset at her because she had like the biggest, only fans, you know, unless she's sucking Dick, I don't want to be your only friends. I told. So that's the thing. If you're not doing actual like only fans was just like sex workers. Are you getting all the fans right now, guys?
We have a studio only fan pulled up in the fucking car, motherfucker. I don't think we can show her stuff on this show to us.
So the I know we're going to talk to the show. I know Nadav so much. God rest his soul.
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So the the sex workers were just only fans. That was their thing. And then the fuckin actress you write the mainstream actress. I forget her name.
Oh that's how crazy. Crushed crushed it. Crushed. I didn't do anything sexual. Real. Everyone was like, yo, we're seeing her tits. Yeah. But she, she like the whole thing was that she was like misleading people. Right. That's that's what they think.
So and then and but then I feel bad for people who. Here's the here's the rub about sex workers.
Right. It's like I'm a sex worker. I don't know what to say. I don't even know what to call them because I don't want to be offensive. But like, I don't think that's offensive.
Let's say, like Lisa and or or who's the big Florida State fan that's not name Middle Eastern.
Oh, me, me, me. Cali, California. I'm Khaleefa. Yeah.
It's like she's not an active, but like she deeply regrets. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But but that's what I'm saying is like me a khaleefa you can't pawn in a weird way.
Cheers. Pawn, in a weird way, is like all of a sudden it's something that we it's like, I don't disrespect me Khalifa or Lisa Anahuac or Christy Mack, who says she hasn't done porn and how long it took. Christy Mack.
Oh, she retired. She said like ten years ago. Yeah. And then it's like and then they pivot and do something else.
Teres. This is what I love about light seltzer still can kill a workout today, 100 calories.
Oh, well, here's the thing is that you then become stigmatized, right?
Yeah, it's stigmatized, but it's not it shouldn't be stigmatized like that.
And it's fuckhead boys that go like it's the same guys that funky chicken and tell all their friends to bring them into their they're the biggest assholes.
And guys are the ones who ruin the fun, like by by basically belittling or being rude or aggressive or shitty to people.
Doing it's like oh it's like like that girl young girl Jessie Andrius a young girl. She's definitely younger than me, but she's an adult, but she's a doll performer, was an adult performer and now she's transitioning to being a DJ and making jewelry and she's kind of kind of cool sex, a cool career, you know. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
But but it's like other one that did that. A lot of them fucking smarter.
Not Sativa. Sativa. What's her name. She was in she was in Entourage.
Oh Sasha. Sasha is such a great Sasha. Great. Yeah. It's like let them transition because when you let them transition you're already to. These are all guys that are probably against cancer culture but they're trying to not allow people to grow. Yeah.
Who we like and that who didn't like the fucking.
Those are the guys who the girl is like a deejay and he's like we just want to see your pussy. Like, you know, they say the wild is shit to them.
It's like it's like let them grow. It's like, fuck, yeah. We all made a ton of sex.
That's like these are the same guys that would defend Kevin Hart. And I'm not shitting on Kevin Hart. I don't I would defend Kevin Hart. I made fucking horrible jokes when I was younger that I don't really want to apologize for it all, but I'm sure I would have to if I got fucking caught up in the Oscars.
Yeah, they would defend Kevin Hart, but they won't. But they call out Mia Khaleefa. Yeah. And go, Hey, Dad used to suck Dick.
And you're like, yeah, yeah. Okay, stop stuff. Really fucking fucked her up did it. Yeah. Because I remember I saw that she did some interview.
Apparently she only I guess shot scenes or something for like a couple months and that's her whole catalog that she hates it and regrets it and says that like she was basically manipulated.
But yeah, she's, she had a bad experience with it too.
When you talk, when you talk about like. This may get super murky.
Yeah, and and realize these are brand new thoughts, so I haven't really thought this out, but we talk about grooming like these celebrity dudes that they claim groom women.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's I think there's a lot of that done in, like, low grade porn.
Yeah. Of course. Like is they they just tricked people into and and I think the proof in the pudding is Mia Khalifa who's like I, I did some shit that I feel like I should have done. And I'm not saying there are some people make porn that are great people. Yeah. But there are some fucking dirtbags who have now some have gone to prison who did dirty shit.
What is this. So is this, is this her account. Yup. And you're not showing the audience this, right? No.
OK, by the way, this is so distracting. I just got off my point. OK, go ahead and play on that one. Oh. I can see. It's very good. Yeah. OK, keep going. That's just a picture keeps growing. Yes, she's got a great body. Mm hmm. OK, hit play on this one. Yeah, I got a shot at the landscape, but whatever. All right, start in the car, in the car.
Let's hope there's no trouble. You got to get under the hood. See, I could enjoy this. And then, yes, I want her to be a doctor. Yeah, that's good. Or an actress or whatever the fuck she wants to do.
Scroll down further. Um, uh, boy, oh, nipple piercings. I'm going to need to borrow all this stuff later. All right, now go to see if you can find a only fans of a famous actress.
So how is it broken down? Like when you sign into an ink you just paid for her for? And then what? What do you get?
Yeah. So I think she has like different tiers, but I got this one for 12 bucks a month, OK.
And you and the great thing is you just have I'm not selling only once, but then like is is that like just the feed then.
So like you open it and then. Yeah. Is it like broken down into photos, videos or what. Yeah.
So that's like a feed like Instagram or something. OK. And then you go and it's all combined feed for one month. And then what's great about this. What's in the video. Just photos and videos. Photos and videos. It's just like Instagram but it's just photos, videos. And then what's great about this is that you then next month there's dick ratings.
You can send your take up. Oh. Take ratings, twenty five dollars for the detailed, detailed ratings, worn panty panties, sexting, keep scrolling or panties.
Where do we get to? Do we get to look like scroll within it so I can read it? Do we get to tell her what to do in the panties when she's wearing and still can't read it?
So I can't scroll on. You can't roll.
OK, do you get to tell her what to do in the panties. You're like I want you to go horseback riding.
I don't know what are the things that we what you'd want if you were getting a pair of panties for me for my birthday, what would be what would be some things you're like, hey, do this.
Oh, I would say go for a jog, jog, eat Mexican, uh, fart a lot sleeping.
I'm might get in the middle of a juice cleanse and then please vacuum seal it and send it to Bert.
I would like same pair of panties for one week and I'm going to plan out like a reality shows list of events for artists, women, the very same pair for a year.
Well, that's intense direction achieved. All right. So we go to it, go to like a famous actresses, only fans. It's going to be terrible, right? Well, I'm curious if, by the way, it's not know, but that's what's interesting.
What's the difference between someone who we all love, like Heather, that lady that was in this is the one that's the girl who shot it at dawn.
She. Oh, hello. How much is hers?
Five dollars. She's the one that shut it down.
Bella Thorne. Yeah, five dollars purchased. I don't even care if it's on air. Well, she's the one hurt. Just out of curiosity.
That's where she fucked us, Tom. I purchased it out of.
Yeah, look at that. Look at that little header right there. Yeah. Did you purchase it? Let's scroll by Longhorn's and I'll give you an ultimate thumbs up subscriber. That's brilliant. That's brilliant. Bella Thorne. She just said five dollars, five dollars to roll the dice. OK, see if you get subscribe or subscribe.
See, here we go. Oh, cute freckles. Oh, she's beautiful, by the way.
Let's start the start right now.
Oh, hello. I mean, that's a good introduction. I'll tell you right now, I don't know who Bella Thorne is. I definitely believe you. I definitely believe you.
I don't know one thing she's been in. She is very pretty. I hope she's 18.
Hey, can I ask you a question, please? Um, no, uh, Xolo. Yeah, this is a corporate account we have. Yeah, the studio account is just there's a studio only fans account and what's our login?
Yeah, no, no, I want to know more about this. Who opened this year?
We did. We did a bit on why I made a while ago. I'm comparing options only fans to, oh, famous actresses. So we open this one.
Can we see our pieces? Wait, wait, wait. Scroll down. I want to see what the ball and see if there's anything good on here.
No talent or whatever. I know she's very pretty, but like.
Come on. A cleavage, but really pretty, she's very pretty. Of course, she's very pretty. OK, here, a video here, video. Let's see a video. OK, yeah, let's see.
Been seeing this eye around and I kind of fuck with it. OK. I mean, I'm not asking both you to get naked, but more, OK, go along, go back bonds. Right, play up on up one, up one.
Have you never fucking. OK, here we go. OK, I was just a Lipsy or whatever. OK, OK, I'll tell you what, five dollars probably worth it. I mean, it's beautiful, but it's like a magazine. It could be on Instagram security. Put it on Instagram. Yeah, I don't mean on Instagram. I'm not mad at her. Do we get any nipples?
I'm not trying to degrade Bella Thorne, but let's be real. About what? Only fences. Do we get any I mean, it's clear who the fuck is Bella Thorne?
She's really pretty. Is she anything? Yes.
Was she in Star Wars? I don't think she's in Star Wars. What was she in? Marvel movies. She was dating the weekend scroll up to say she's dating the weekend, I don't know, was a weekend. Oh, Wikipedia, I read that. Sorry.
OK, we're going go go to our pieces, please. By the way, I've never hold on one second. Find me one movie, Bela Thornes, better than I've ever heard of. Shake it up.
Midnite some famous in the baby. You get me. I still see you. Her him.
Well, she's never in any of these fucking movies shake up. I don't know. I really don't know. You know, he's probably she's in. Yeah, Jesus of fine. How does anyone know who Ballyhaunis, they're 20 years younger than you. These are all movies people watch I unbeatable. All right. Egg City for good, RBC. Um, so by the way, Bella, if you're watching this, I don't mean to shit on you.
I'm trying to get that out of my life. I want to talk positive about negative things that people always talk negative about. You're going to positive. I'm positive. We'll try it on another episode. I'll stop. Are those all the accounts we subscribe to?
Yeah. I mean, we've unsubscribed since then, but for that segment. Yeah, we did. Let's do a short list, read off the names of who we've given subscriptions to on a corporate account.
Subscribe to me from my or Alexis Texas. I see. Alexis, Texas sounds social ascribable.
Adriana Chetnik. Oh, wait, hold on. Hold on. We did we ever ay.
OK, she's got to be a top cop, right. Adriana hatcheck has got to be. Does it say no. It doesn't say how much is a subscription.
You can do five bucks, five fucking bucks, I got 20 in my pocket. I'll give you 20 bucks. I'm going. I want to pick four for four more subscriptions. OK, about Adrian Chechi goes hard as fuck.
I love that her bio's like I love to hike and I have two dogs. Can I.
I one time had a playmate and she told me I know I've told you this. She told me that she, I was like, so what do you like doing because that's so funny.
They just asked me on my spread like, oh I'm going to be a centerfold, like what my hobbies are and I know it. I like holding my breath and like I like holding my breath and I couldn't stop laughing.
And she is not she did not find it funny. And I was like, just how are you doing it right now? She's like, No, I'm breathing. And I was like, tell me when you do it. She's like, no, that's not what it is. And then someone's like, hey, man, she's into like, deep like free diving.
And I went, oh, what's a little different sentence, you know, I got in the freediving.
I swear to God, in her bio, it said, I like holding my breath. I laughed even harder. I was like, she never taped scroll.
Scroll down far, far on this. Scroll down down. Oh, Tom, we could definitely get all the. Because we're subscribed to her. Oh, we got to do all we got to do to keep going. Keep going. Keep going is find out what male celebrities are doing on their only fans and stepping up a notch.
Yeah, we could totally do that.
Fucking Yeah. And then make it five dollars. Bella Thorne it Bella Thorne says five bucks. It's on the dice.
How much money you think we can make an only chance that we become billionaires on our own.
That's my you know, that's my whole goal is become billionaire. I mean, are we going to like do hardcore scenes?
We've done some pretty hardcore ones for free. Yeah, I mean, maybe we need to stop doing live shows. Do you subscribe to them physicalities for what they're doing? Oh, OK.
T.J. Khalida, show up and only weapons like each other. Please vote, but go back with every one of them naked in the car.
But why would you sign up? You don't have to. It's free. Like I don't get it.
OK, I love B.J.. He's great, man. I fucking love that guy gets it, man. Like his fucking sense of humor.
Yeah. Oh. OK. Oh, all right, go to Tom, Tom, Tom. Well, let's get an only fans and what we'll do is it'll be well. OK. Oh, my God. Remember the idea I had I wanted you and Bush to do where it was like edited videos? Yeah, yeah. Let's do an only fans and edit a bunch of videos like we're fucking each other. Yeah. And it'll just be us and we'll get two actors that look like us from the chest down and we'll just do a face swap things.
I love it. And just and just hardcore sex scenes like I'm shit in your mouth like holy man 50 cents.
Yeah. These are these are great. Get in the cars. Really attractive this year. So thank you for that. Your heart is fucking the pain.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the fans. Yeah. She's like pissing in a cup in the car and then fucking throw it in your face and shit like that. And she's in an uber. Yeah.
Go to my Instagram. So last time we were talking about Rome we talk about Rome and I was like oh I ran around town so attractive I ran around.
So this is what I thought would be funny.
And I have I know I can dig up a couple more pics, but do you think it's possible with the reach of the show and the way that do you think it's possible to find these to like now? This is exactly 21 years ago, so that's a long time ago.
I bet we could find them. Here's what I remember. I'll tell you what I remember.
And then if it's possible, it would be pretty funny if if it's possible to find them. All right. So I'm in Rome. I'm alone. I came over from Madrid to like, spend a few days there. I stay at a hostel. I'm just, like, going to check shit out. You know, you always run into, like, people from different parts of the world. So the first night I hung out with this dude from Switzerland, these chicks from Amsterdam, then I'm like, I'm gonna go see this.
Today I get off the train and I see these two just walking, let's say, twenty yards ahead.
Are they your age in this? Yeah, they're really pretty. They're very pretty. So they're like twenty yards ahead of me. And I do something. I mean, I think it's uncharacteristic of me, which is that I just see them and I'm like, I'm just going to go up to them and like, what do you like, who you know, hi, whatever. So I just go like, what are you guys doing?
Checking out room like me too. You guys want to go together and they're like, yes. So I was like, great. So we start walking around Rome, checking out, you know, whatever right sites and we get ice cream and and then we. So here's what I remember. They're Canadian, right? They're Canadian girls.
Course they are Canadian blonde. Much better than the blonde was dating an actor.
Not a well, no more Canadian women aren't murdered because they're so trusting.
Oh, like and like the Canadians are totally the type that you're like, hey, hey, what are you guys doing? They're like, oh, OK. I'll help you put it in your man. Come on. Come on, get in. Janet Well, my hey, he wants to duct tape each hands together so we can hold it better.
Rest assured that Canadians get murdered every year for real. Oh, yeah. Hey, pull that up. Who gets serial killed? More Canadians or Americans? I guarantee you it's Canadians. So got to be Canadians. Yeah, just women. Just women.
Yeah. All right. I mean. Oh, I think Canadian women.
Serial killer stats by country. Oh, wow. You guys are killing it today. Wow.
All right. Let's go to probably Canada. And see, you're in Canada. Let's see the sea scroll scroll, those are all the serial killers. Well, yeah, OK, so let's take a look at that. All right. Sabeg go to America. United States of America. United States of A. We're going to break it down into subcategories here in the States.
We've got well, yeah, they have a whole other. Wow. There you go.
We fucking kill. Oh, shit.
Holy shit. Yeah. You got to step up your game. Canada. Yeah. Don't hold a candle to us.
We're definitely murdering way more people over here. Is it per pop, do you think we have more people than Canada? That's why we killed so many people ten times the people. Is that it? I mean, it definitely affects numbers. I would think I mean, I would have thought there were about 39 million people. We have three hundred and thirty million people. Do you think serial killers are like, you know, I started in Canada. It's like the farm system up there.
Super easy. I mean, it's a really great place to dispose of bodies. But just like I mean, you could get rid of a body so easily in Canada. Oh, yeah.
But there's so much that's kind of uninhabited and uninhabitable, you know. Oh, and then you put it out. It freezes over. Right. That destroys. Oh right. It's totally 20-20 has given a lot of people lemons, but Bud Light seltzer made Bud Light seltzer lemonade. So what you're supposed to do is when you get bad stuff, you turn it into a good stuff. I did that when it came to touring. I said, well, if I'm not going to tour, let's see if we can pivot this ticket, if you will.
And I started doing outdoor shows. One of the things I noticed when I did outdoor shows, I loved watching sunsets. There's nothing better than having a cocktail and watching a sunset.
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That's where I get mine. Remember Bud Light dot com slash delivery. OK, all right.
Go back to my let's go back to these two Canadians. So they haven't been killed by serial killers.
So the blonde. Right, the blonde of her name. I do not remember either of their names. Damn it. I mean, we make it really tough. I know.
But here's the thing. So she's dating an actor, and I remember she said he had done. He wasn't like a notable name, but he appeared nude in some show or movie at that time. Right. And she goes like a butt shot. And I was like, OK, whatever.
The brunette was telling me that she worked as a cocktail waitress in Toronto and she had served Michael Jordan. And I remember that because I was like, what?
You know, this is like, course the things you fucking light up at. Of course, I was like, you're so bad with details. The one thing you pick up on is she was a cocktail waitress and served Jordan. The other girls like, no, it was like, enough of your story.
Yeah, yeah. I was like, OK, don't tell me either of your names. Now, here's the thing. No, they definitely tell me their names, but I definitely don't remember. I definitely have better photos and I have to find them because we did take more photos that day. Look at how cute you were and and zoom in on Tom's face, if you can.
It's not it's not the most clear photograph, you know. OK, so we got a good picture there. I have a couple more photos. I'll find them. So the brunette we're sitting and more importantly, let's find the serial killer behind them.
I know that guy looks like he's ready if I can dump a body. So we're on the train and I'm like, I want to I'm thinking like, I'm not trying to fuck on this train cart.
This is like later in the day right now, the blondes giving me, like, you know, like, oh, I'm responsible. But the brunette seems like she's kind of game, you know.
So what? This story, I can just see this happening live in Canada, in Toronto, a fan going, oh fuck, I think that's my wife. Honey, honey, honey, come here. Sit here. And she pulls up me like in the story. I just want to fuck on the train, like, never mind.
Well, this might this might actually make somebody go go like I think that's her and then confirm it. Right. So we're on the card. We're to train car now later in the day. And I'm super I'm totally bricked up at these two. Right.
But so, so, so I'm walking out of the hard on all day and then and the brunette's like kind of flirty and fun. So she's sitting across from me in this train car at a private train cart. Yeah, she's here. And the blondes over here. And I'm kind of like, you know, blonde, stop talking about your stupid fucking boyfriend, right? You know what? You jump off the train.
So the brunette, she's, like, really engaging. And she goes, oh, my God, I got like the sexiest shoes. Do you want to see them?
So I'm like, yeah, she's like, you put them on you. Yeah. And she goes, OK. And then I'm like, you know, encouraging. And she goes, I can't.
And I go, Why? And she goes, my feet stink. And I go, oh what. And she goes, I can't, I can't switch because it smells.
I was like, I don't care if you take a shit in this cart, you know?
And she's like, you have no idea what you could do right now. Yeah, I don't care. She's like, OK.
And she starts because I can't I can't I go.
Yes, you can like just put on your new shoes. Please don't you have to take your pants off her.
She's got a skirt on. So I was like just put them on and she was, she was like it. This cart will just stink. I was like what the fuck.
So what we know is that there was a cocktail waitress in Toronto and her feet smell like shit list.
But a list. Yeah. Cocktail waitress who served Michael Jordan in Toronto. So give me friends with a girl who dated an actor, not an actor.
This is soft porn on Showtime. This is spring of 2000. So and she's in Rome.
I mean, now they got to bring them two thousand. That's when you're there. That's that's to thousands. 2000. Yeah.
Man, that's twenty years. I was already in L.A.. Yeah. Kind of spring. I that fucking crazy. We got to be able to find those girls.
That's a great list to see if you're like we're trying to find this person. Hey honey, didn't you go to Rome in 2009? You smell your feet. I get you a waitress who served by dessert.
And we go to this guy is married to this girl and he's like, well, you said you had sex with one black guy, Shigeki, for that.
I think he put a cocktail waitress from Colorado.
Man Oh, I would love to see what she looks like now. I would love to see what she looks like now. I bet they look good.
I'm guessing there's a hot fucking girl growing up and, uh. It was you know, it's so funny, what Instagram does is there's like there's this hot girl growing up that I was like, she's so hot. And I saw a picture of her and she is no longer hot.
And it's like, oh.
And then you see a picture of a girl maybe you didn't pay enough attention to and they aged so well or or they're in like some people, like there's a there's a let me see if I can find her.
There's this girl that grew up with who does this thing on Instagram and I'm so fascinated by it. And Katy Peppers her name. It's not her name anymore. Let me see if I can find it.
OK, people, I remember seeing a girl out of like once we went to college that had that total glow up where she she was like homely in high school, you know, like nobody talked to her. She totally blossomed afterwards.
And I was like, oh, my God, everybody.
All right. This is this girl, by the way. Tell me if this isn't mesmerizing. All right? This is I say girl should grown woman. Her name's Katie Piper. Why are you part of like part don't blow up my spot. She has on Instagram her her Instagram is. Katie, wait, did you say don't blow up her Instagram? I mean, do you think this is an artist?
And I think it's cool what she does and like, I am fucking fascinated by this. Yeah. And I really I like next time I'm I'm like, hey, can I bring my girls over to your studio and watch what she does?
This is fucking so cool. So, Katy White artist, Katy White artist and go to her Instagram. Yeah, no, it's not fine art. Nope, Kitty White art ah ah ah, yeah, that's it. OK, yeah, that's her. Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go down. OK, look at this last one. The first one. Very first one. Very first one. OK, it's going to hear some music.
But look what she does. She does this every day.
She does these paintings and it's so fucking bad ass that I'm like I bet it's very satisfying to wait when it get better.
She keeps adding to it and you watch it grow yet. And this is where she puts it to music. So she'll play cool music. He does this every day.
Look at that. Yeah. And it's so fucking satisfying. Yeah, it is. And I watch it every day. I'm excited. When you went to high school with her. I grew up with her practically.
I mean, I've known her since probably eighth grade.
She does this and then it's a beautiful, tiny little painting. Yeah, she does it. A cool music. Like she'd look at that. We just had that one. Oh, that one's already done. Yeah, yeah, but it's keep going go to one that she did and you can see her do it and it's some good one that you can play. They're there. Yeah, like it's just like so fun to watch the water run and then you're like, oh my God, dude, to get high and do that.
Yeah, I could do that for fucking hours, man. I literally was like, when I'm in Tampa, I'm hit her up and be like, I got to take a fuckin tolerance break from edibles.
Why? Because it just keeps going up. I know I'm doing that with alcohol. You've been doing that. I am consistently doing that with alcohol.
You mean for 25 years? Yeah, but no, I'm doing it for real now.
Really? Yeah. I actually talked to I actually talked to my producer of Go Big Show. Yeah. And I was like I was like, I'm not I'm not bouncing back like I used to. I'm learning a lot about myself, I'm very punitive, it's like, remember, we were talking outside and I was like all of a sudden I'm beating myself up, going, what are you doing with your fucking career?
And and what has happened is. I think because I've got to be fair, but like not to be unfair, but like I'm not removed alcohol out of my life, but I've definitely transitioned my relationship with it in that I have much larger periods of not drinking at all than I've ever had. And what happens is that punitive part of my brain was very good at when I was hungover getting me to do shit. You're a piece of shit. And I'd be like, Yeah, you're right.
I got drunk last night because then get the fuck up. What are you doing with your life? And I was like, nah, I'll figure something out. And so I get up at work out. I create a video, I do a podcast. I'd be like, let's think of an idea. Let's write some jokes.
When I removed alcohol and like I said, I haven't removed it totally, but just switch my relationship a little bit with it.
I now wake up with the same punitive voice, but I am doing OK. But the voice is still there. And then the voice is like.
What the fuck are you doing with your career? I'm like, I'm doing OK, and he's like, the fuck? I can actually hear the voice start time.
And then I go, Oh, fuck, let's not do this today. Today, my voice my voice is like probably going to have oral cancer. You're probably going to have it because you've been fucking around with this tooth for so long. Like I went to the dentist again yesterday.
Are you going to do more to yourself? I got to go in again Tuesday.
And so but like, I still have that punitive voice and I keep going back to the shit you said about trauma.
So I go, what happened to me as a kid? Where.
Like, I can't just like I like myself, but like if you let me stay in bed by myself, my brain's like I just mean you fuck boy and you have like, how can you not do this? And he's like, now we're going at it, buddy.
I used to call it big brain. Little brain. Big brain. Little brain was like the voice like angel devil stuff. Yeah. Big brain was the the fucking loud one and then little brain was the one. Like a perfect example is Rome. So I woke up in Rome one morning where I met the two lovely girls and I had this, I still have it. I have like a little red spot on my cheek. I've had it for fucking ever now I'm sure it's just sun damage, but it's the first time I ever noticed it right in Rome.
Someone pointed it out to me. I was like, I don't know what it is. And I was like, oh, shit, is this skin cancer? Fuck, fuck, fuck. Skin cancer goes pretty quickly now. It's been ten years that I'm like. And so I go to bed that night and big brains all in my head, he's like, got fucking skin cancer. Dude, this is a game changer. Fucking cut a big chunk of your face out.
Galopin on TV No one's going to look at you fucking ugly ass motherfucker. And then I was I just drink and then I drink enough for big brain shuts up and this little brain is like, all right, he's asleep. OK, we're going to be fine tomorrow. Do not look in the mirror. Whatever you do, don't start your day off looking in the mirror and obsessing about this, OK? Yes, I drink, I go to sleep.
I wake up in the little brains like. Hey, he's still sleeping. Let's get started. And don't wake him up, and I was like, OK, then I'm like in the shower and he's like, You're doing good, man, your favorite.
I'm like, no, he's like, then, you know, fucking skin cancer. You're going to be fine. You hear those, like, voices in my head.
I'm talking to myself. And then I go I get out of the shower, I go past the mirror and he's like, don't look in the mirror. You're going to. And I hear Big Baringo you guys let me sleep in. Oh what about the skin cancer.
And I'm like little big brains back and then big brain fucking. I know it's I'm breathing. You guys have these conversations. No of course they don't. They're dead inside. They're like LeAnn is what happens is the regular person doesn't have. I really feel like the regular person doesn't have overwhelming inner dialogues. They just wake up and go and their brain goes, guess I should make some coffee and they just go make coffee and they don't think. I think I, I mean, I don't know.
Yeah, but they're not going aggressively. Yeah. Like attacking themselves and then and then defending themselves or writing, obsessing about a joke and obsessing about an angle.
I mean do you know how many times I've brought up fucking hilarious Baldwin's accent to people and they just think I'm a fucking lunatic. Why I'm trying to write a joke about it. And so then when you write a joke about it, I got a friend, Tandy, who's Asian. You met her. You met her in the tour bus spokes.
I met her way before you met her, but yeah, definitely has an accent when you say, yeah, probably the most distinct accents in the world and not in the world, but like like just a notable accent, not a noticeable accent I've brought up. And she says I don't have an accent like, oh, you definitely do. And then she goes, I don't hear it. And you don't hear your own accent, right? Oh, that's how that works.
Mm hmm. I've brought this up because I'm trying to write a joke about Hillary Baldwin and the idea being being. That the concept of not having an accent is so egocentric. That the idea that Americans would say we don't how I used to joke about it, we don't have accents, right? Yeah, that we don't have accents is so egocentric. Of course we have accents. We don't hear it because we're Americans. We think we're number one.
But we go other places. We're like, man, we go to Switzerland. Everyone's got an accent as opposed to going. We just showed up and now we're the one with the accent. Right. And then my theory is and this is like I've obsessed about this. You can lose an accent. Mm hmm. You can. Why do we say lose an accent as opposed to gaining an accent, pretending to have a new accent like LeAnn has a Southern accent, so let's say that's her ground zero is a Southern accent, a redneck?
Don't match my cigarettes, Paul. Kind of accent, right? Yeah. Then she moves to L.A. and loses her accent. But when she comes back home, they're like, oh, you don't talk like us no more.
Yeah, well, you phony L.A. phony, right? Yeah. Yeah.
So why can't I'm just trying to defend Hilary Baldwin's. I want to take the angle that no one takes. Why can't you say.
The Hillary Baldwin simply simply lost her Boston accent and picked up, and I don't know anything about her thing, but I've brought this up so many people, Tom, like I feel like I'm trying to write this thing.
I don't know anything about it. I don't know anything. I think she's like it. The only thing the suspect is in the whole thing is when she goes to the cooking. So she goes, and what do you call this fruit and a cucumber? Yeah. Look, I you say is an English cucumber. Cucumber. Yeah. But like I say, sometimes I if I am in Spain for a while then.
Have you ever caught up. Have you ever caught a little bit of a Spanish accent.
I've done the thing where if I've done the thing which she actually talks about, which I think is, you know, legit to it, to a degree, if you were fully immersed in another language for an extended period of time, yeah.
You could trip up on words easily and forget how to say things like really, for instance, a semester abroad or, you know, I would spend the summer in Peru. So, I mean, if you're speaking Spanish 24/7 for week after week after week.
Yeah, there's going to be moments where you go like, uh, you kind of blank on something or, you know, I remember when I got back from from Spain, you know, that's also I'm going to the University of Madrid. So I'm doing classes, writing term papers, you know, in Spanish, in Spanish, dreaming. And like so I get back.
Being in Spanish fully, fully drained. All your dreams and shit in your bullfighting and stuff went to.
Yeah, so but I remember getting back and correcting my mother Spanish, you know, because she would say something grammatically incorrect and I would caracter really. Yeah. Yeah.
But also the interesting thing about that detail is that at that time so that's 20 years ago, which means my mom would have been like fifty five. So at that point she is 25 years immersed in the United States.
You know, her Spanish is actually declined. So then I wonder if when I'm dying to know, then if your mom goes back to Peru. Yes. If people are like, what's this fucking accent I'm hearing?
Well, what they do is what they do is they go like your slang is really out, like because it'd be like if you walked into a place you, like, slap me some skin brother to like, saying they're like, yes, you're using like outdated slang. And yeah, you're both your mom's like, got out. Didn't play. Yeah.
Oh that's so funny. Yeah. Oh that's so funny to she's all her all her like all the way that she speaks it's from like the 60s and 70s.
So it's like imagine if you were like groovy guys and everybody's like the fuck are you saying right now because you didn't keep up with it. With me. With a pitchfork.
Exactly. Oh that's such a foxe.
That's OK. So, like, I don't know, maybe I don't like I don't have Lianne's brain, just Lianne's brain. I don't know about Lianne's brain. Like, it just wakes up and it goes it's I think it just is like chore oriented. Like the way her brain looks at is like life's a list. So then she's like, make coffee, make coffee, make lunch, make lunch, make coffee, make a breakfast, make her feel like her brain.
I think that's what her brain does where his mind goes. I was obsessed with it and I don't know. I can't hers goes. What, how, why? What happened to Bill Burr's accent? What happened to like like why why can't like then I just start obsessing about that. A funny thing.
Funny one is Johs right. Watch a clip of Joe Rogan doing stand up like twenty five years ago for real.
He's got a huge Boston accent.
So heavy. Heavy I like. So then I'm not by the way, I don't have any skin in the game with the Hillaire Baldwin. But I see if I can find an angle like that then I want to write a joke about it. Yeah. So then I obsess about that all day long or I attack myself or I just attack myself.
Yeah. I like, like, like it's my inner dialogue is not safe or healthy. I wouldn't say.
Yeah I would say that. I'm wondering if it's you talk about it from trauma, it has to be.
I don't know what trauma definitely would affect. Yeah. Oh do you fucking turn me on to trauma. Yeah.
I've never I'm recognizing in my daughters, I'm recognizing when I'm doing it to my daughters.
I'm recognizing that you did it to that girl that you cheated on and then you blamed her later on. Probably I did. Probably.
I'm recognizing all the times I caused trauma. Yeah. And going like, holy shit.
Well, there's a lot more I want to talk. We'll save it for another podcast. But yeah, there's a lot more. I want to talk about all the unhealthiness that I'm imparting on my daughters.
I'm just like. That you're imparting on them like we're I just don't know that I do it. I don't know that I do it and then I do it.
And then they're like they're like, you can't you can't do that. And I'm like, and it's not like doing stuff like you can't do now. You could have never done it. You're never supposed to have done it.
Oh. Hmm, I got to pee, which is a good time to wrap up. All right. Did we forget anything? Yeah, we'll get to it later. The live show. Everyone make sure to go check that out. That was a lot of fucking fun.
Oh, what do we do about the hats? I texted you yesterday. I saw that.
So everybody like we'd never been hit up.
So much for people that want the hat still. And so I was like, I place a big order and like, we'll get it to you in like eight weeks. I was like, perfect.
And they hit me up yesterday. We can't deliver it in eight weeks. I was like. OK, what if we sent someone to China to get the fabric and what if we just did the legwork? But we have fans that would be like, oh, I got nothing going on. Go pick up fabric in China, first class to be a very expensive hat after this charge to take it back and make it back in the back end, OK?
All right. We'll talk about it.
Um, thank you guys for watching, for listening. We'll see you next week. Love you. Love you, too.
Tommy Bird. Tom Solomon. Where one goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories in bird style machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call there's. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humour, no apologies. Here's what we call so there's one case.