Then she said. I'll do everything, I'll clean your teeth or check for oral cancer, and I was like, I'm out soon, she said. She said that I went I was like rather just find out I'm dead one day. Like, I just it that gives me anxiety. And I.
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All right, welcome to another tuba's. One cave Bert. You're going to chug. People are going to be really surprised to find out that that isn't beer, by the way, I was I was in therapy. I was drinking one of these, and I'm putting them down like that. And my therapist is like, holy shit.
Oh, they're water feelin's. They're using the water. And I go, the other water. And he was like, oh, that makes me feel a lot better about it. Yes, I drink these so much. You guys have always done this joke about the water temp, right? And I just was like I really was like, like, who's drinking water?
Do you remember? Do you remember when we did the weight loss challenge? There was a there was a point the last two to three weeks of it because we had like a time period. We were doing it where I went to only water. I dropped coffee and I just did water only. Dude, like your skin changes my skin. You like the tone and blemish and he goes away, you smooth out.
It is is wild to do only water which I mean, you know, not not everybody does that, but I did it for a few weeks and you feel and look notably different. It doesn't take that long to deal with like the withdrawals of other beverages, really.
OK, because I was having withdrawals last night. Yeah. But I was having major I thought I was I mean that's normal. Like I was like I was like olsun. I felt like my head was heavy. Yeah. And I was like, I was like Jesus Christ man. And I actually wasn't going to drink a bottle of wine, but I open a bottle of wine. So I was like, I was having panic about it. Yeah.
But I'd had so much water I'd have like I think almost two gallons of water.
You've been crushing since you got here. And you said because they're in cans, I dude, I cannot fuck with bottles like those plastic bottles.
Yeah. I cannot drink them the same beverage I know, but is for whatever reason the delivery system. I want to try it because you walked in with this and I definitely thought you were just coming in to binge drink today.
I've been drinking. I had a parent teacher conference with one of my daughter's teachers and I'm just murdering news at 10:00 in the morning. What is this? Liquid death? Liquid death?
I don't know how I got involved with them. They they sent some to our tour bus.
I don't think it actually says murder your thirst. I murder these fucking cans. I'm going to try this.
I'm the water champ. Liquid death. I'll tell you what I think.
Here we go. Yeah. I mean, it is just water. It goes down faster, right? I love this, this makes me so happy. Yeah, right, it does go down easier, it goes down so much easier than a bottle of water. Have you ever drank in a 16 ounce bottle of of of plastic bottled water that fast? Never.
It takes so long. That's really good. Yeah, it's great.
And they have they have seltzer water, which is what I've been that's what I normally got turned on to. But these cans of water did I do I just can kill them. I don't even. It doesn't. I think it's strange. I know.
And it's I'm telling you, man, I take a box of these out a day and I just drink them.
You drive, go through them all day just to inform the audience the kind of texts I get from you. You hit me up and you go. I stop drinking a gallon of Kool-Aid a day and started drinking just water over one hundred and sixty ounces a day. I no longer have joint pain in my knees and shoulder and my blood pressure is next to perfect my blood, my blood pressure, my blood pressure.
Like a foreigner who has lived like in Siberia was like, you are right, the water is good for you.
So I thought, oh my God, I'm the guy from fucking that that idiot nation movie with that Idiocracy Idiocracy, where I'm like, wait, the plants don't grow on our aid.
Yeah, I electrolytes. I've been having knee problems. Right. Like because I'm also running a thousand miles this year. How much are you up to. I'll tell you right now, I love this question. You've got to be in the homestretch.
I should be um I and I've been having knee pain so I had to stop running and I was like, fuck man, I may not. If my knee keeps up like this, I may not be able to see right now. My heart rate's forty four. Yeah. That's really low and I think it's the water. I think I live in a sense of dehydration and when I start drinking water my heart's like I had a colonoscopy yesterday and when they read me in the room they hooked me up to everything and the anesthesiologist goes, whoa, your heart rate's forty right now.
When I go, yeah, it always is.
And the other doctor goes, You didn't know. You're looking at a world class premier athlete. As a joke, yeah, and I go, yeah, I run marathons all the time and I say it like that and the anesthesiologist goes, What? And I go, I'm joking. I just turned my head. I just put me out, man.
I wondered if I by the way, my favorite part of the that is I go. Were you conscious for it? You're like, now they put you out. I can't imagine if you had to do one awake.
Just go walk in my ass again. No, no.
It's the first question you ask. You're like, I'm out there like, yeah, you can't do that. You feel it when you get done. Do you feel like someone fucked you in the eye?
And also they also fuck my throat.
They give you an ear and then the guy goes, you know, I fucked up and I put the thing in your ass and I put it down your mouth instead of doing it the other way. And I was like, what?
So hold on. So did you get nervous? I'm a little bit. A little bit. What happens is this is crazy. I've had two medical three technically procedures during the pandemic.
Yeah. Because I had a vasectomy, a hernia operation. And so I was I was just in this type of setting like two months ago. So I go in there and I was like, you know, the thing about a colonoscopy is the prep. So you've had one, right? I've never you should definitely have one.
You're forty eight. Yeah, you should definitely have one. You don't get need one until you're 50.
They moved it up to 45. Ooky. That's that's what the American Medical Association recommends now.
So I had mine done because I'm like I have too much. I want to know if something's wrong, like digestive digestibility.
My dad had digestive problems. How far do they go up? I thought they just did your asshole.
They go into your colon and like into the like sort of a little bit of your small intestines. So they reading's back immediately.
No, they let me show you some pictures immediately and he goes, we've got to he goes, everything looks normal.
But I'll do some, you know, a bunch of biopsies from the top and the bottom and check everything. But the prep is obviously you fast for a day, which I feel like gave me some perspective, actually fasting for a whole day.
I haven't fasted for a day and I don't know how long, but like I actually it sounds weird, but I started to go like, man, I really appreciate the fact that I never have to go hungry. I started thinking like that because I, I didn't. All I did was drink water and a little bit of thank God I read the fucking prep sheet last second.
I was allowed to have Gatorade, but only lemon lime because red or purple will look like blood while they're doing the colonoscopy and they'll be like, this guy is dying of stomach cancer. So. So why are you so responsible?
Like. I'm you know, I have a tooth issue and I refuse to get it dealt with. Yeah, and I just because because the guy said because my back teeth are really fucked up, I was the one that had had problems with the beginning of the pandemic.
That's how long ago.
But I had problems with it eight months ago. I want to not suffer. Don't you want to not suffer? No, no.
Uh, I want you to not suffer. The the dentist said to me, he looked at my tooth and he goes, oh, this is bad. And I went, I know it hurts a lot. And he's like, you're going to need a root canal. And then when you come back, it's going to it's going to be a long haul. He's like, we're gonna have to have a skin graft and take skin off of your Jesus.
Thank you. That's what I said, and so I was like in my head, I was like, OK, we're with this.
But you realize what'll happen is the things that he'll need to do will be more the longer you put it off or or you'll die before I need to get this done.
And then I'm thinking about that. What if I just die?
What if I do some dangerous shit that's great. And then and then on my deathbed, I go at least and try to get that skin graft?
Yeah, I, I put back my cardiologist appointment because I was stressing me out. It was in a week of was in the week of. I just got off tour but I was going back on tour and I had all this shit doing press for the cabin and it was just stressing me out and I was like, you know what, I'm going to put my cardiologist appointment off in the middle of December when I can take a break and and relax and focus on it.
And then I'm glad you're doing that and then so, yes, I have to get a CT scan and then and I feel very comfortable knowing I'm being preventative, like that's the number one thing is we get preventative. But like, I would never just straight up.
I'll do it right now. Let's do it right now. Do what I have and get me a colonoscopy. Yeah. Do it. I think it's a good idea. I'm going to do it and this may save my life. It could we could actually have her send it to the same doctor. They can compare our assholes or something. What was your doctor's name?
I tried to say it off the show.
Hi, Liane, this is Bert. Krischer, I would like you to get me a colonoscopy.
Colonoscopy? Yep. OK, please reach out to Tom and find out his doctor, reach out to our doctor and see if we can get one scheduled before the New Year's.
I won't forget that because I'm about to walk into a podcast. Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it. I'm talking about later. All right. All right. Love you. Bye. Well, I'm off the hook. No problem.
Oh, my God. That was a close call. See, I did it to be responsible. And that's all you got to do.
I'll text you guys together, the same number and everything.
Maybe I'll do all the things you did. I'm sure I got a hernia. I'm certain there's a HURNEY under this fat bucking this, by the way, shall we can I tell you something? Yeah. Why don't we do it for, like, in a positive way? We we have a busy month coming up January. Let's do another weight loss challenge.
Oh, I love. That makes I think I think I think I think you're the only person that can get me motivated enough.
Can I tell you what my my brain goes? This is how broken my thought processes. What is it you said in January?
We should wait and I go, oh, we are partying our balls off in December. We're going to gain so much weight in December.
You want to do that? You want to do how fat can we get by New Year's and then and then start.
I can't, I can't do I am I I've been more active in the pandemic that I've been in twenty years and I don't lose weight. I've been playing tennis two to three days a week.
I lift weights three days a week and I'm not losing, I'm not losing. I need to be like focused. And I was I'll tell you very honestly, I'll tell you my weight. I was I have been floating at 250. This whole fucking I was two in my two forties at on tour. And then when I got home, I go ballooned up to 250. Yeah.
And I could not I can't, I can't get a hold of it. I can't get a hold of it to like every morning I get up, I get on the toilet and I go, all right, today we're starting fresh. We're not going to eat until noon.
We're going to eat clean, we're going eat, lean, and we're not drinking tonight.
And then what happens is I like yesterday's. I go. I go, all right, I'm going to have three eggs, so I made three eggs, I put some cheese in there and then I got this old hot sauce and I put it on there and I was like, yeah, I was like. And then all of a sudden it's like my brain just starts. It's really is what when a crack addict goes just like your big man like that feeling.
Yeah, I'm I'm like, I'm going to suck your dick into the fridge. I'll saw your dick and I'm just. And then I made an egg sandwich with two eggs, two eggs. Two more. Yeah. Two more eggs and then cheese all over it. And then I and then I got I was like, well there's one more bun in there, let's have a Vegemite sandwich. And then I'm like, I'm like, what am I doing.
Yeah. I'm so out of control.
Yeah. And then last night I go, I go, I'm not going to drink and then I start. I start. I feel like, I feel like I'm because I've never had water. I've never I've lived in a state of dehydration.
I think that's I think that I believe I think that's why my blood pressure's been high is that I don't drink water. I just don't get it. I'm so glad you found these because it's so good for you. So much easier to drink these. And this is better. You might not believe me. This is better for you than Kool-Aid.
I mean, no, I understand that. But I you know, I keep toeing the line is that it's not stir it with your hand Kool-Aid like it's it's it's a no, I know. I know.
Okay. But here we go. The funny I don't know if you know that you don't have to do that. Like, I get dealing at once zulily, I drink them. That's the only way you drink them. So anyway, I drink them. It's the only way I, I want water to flood my system. Yeah. I wonder what it's doing for my body weight. What's a good goal weight for you. You think.
I mean about a good a good according to the Internet one eighty five. How about, how about a 70 pounds lighter than I am. Right.
What's a what's a realistic walk around weight that you think you can make. Not like how low can you get to what do you think you could get to and go like. And I could live here to 20. Yeah.
If I get to 220 I could live at 220. I was when we did our first weight loss challenge, I got down in the two teens and then lived at 220 for a full year after that.
For a year I lived at 220 and I loved it. I loved it.
But I really feel like I've lost weight. I'm down today. I weighed myself and I was down to 247, which I had. I was having a hard time getting the two 40s. And I think it's because you're going to love a colonoscopy because you lose so much weight that day.
Really. I mean, it comes right back, but you clean out your system and then, like, I lost like nine pounds.
But you know what sucks is that the fear that you have right now that you're dying and they're about to call you any minute and go, Tom, you have cancer?
No, OK, I did not think that at all. I think that nonstop. I think that now that we are getting my teeth cleaned is I'm afraid that I was one night I'm in Dayton and I said to the girl, I meet these girls after the show and we're talking and the girl goes, you're veneers. And I say, do I? So do you work at a dentist office? And she goes, I do. I said, What are you doing?
Because I used your teeth cleaning. And I was like, hey, can I get my teeth cleaned by you tomorrow? She was like, Yeah, I have a flight. Why don't I just go in tomorrow morning? I'll get my teeth cleaned by you and then I'll and then I'll I'll fly out. She was like, I can do that. I won't even charge you. I'll just bring in clean your teeth and then bounce. And I was like, oh fuck you now did you do it?
And then she said. I'll do everything, I'll clean your teeth or check for oral cancer, and I was like, I'm out soon, as she said. She said that I went. I was rather just find out on that one day. Like, I just it that gives me anxiety.
And I would rather get hit by a bus than actually take care of the things that might be a bad result. It's a good question. I'll tell you what, I wouldn't want a mix of it, I wouldn't mind getting hit by a bus and then being in the operating room of like, oh my God, you have oral cancer. And I'm like, why? I'm like, what? And they're like, don't worry. We can fix like like I would like like it's not as bad as all the shit the bus did to your body.
But we'll we'll get to that like sometimes I think about that, like going like when Tupac got shot did they, did they bring them in.
They're like, oh you also have lung cancer like like how many times do you think people have a tragic thing happen and they get stabbed, they bring them in, they're like, oh by the way, you're diabetic. And they're like, oh, like, that's not a bad way to get bad news is have something horrible happen to you and then be in the doctor's office and they're like, does that make sense?
I really have a fucked up way of looking at a tragedy.
I had to say I'd rather be there.
Like, you can't walk anymore.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't I don't want I want the fixable tragedy, like, fixable. Try again. I get shot in the arm and then I get in there and they're like, oh, my God, you have stomach cancer. No, I'm not that bad. I don't stomach cancer.
So there's all these rules that are changing as we're laying it out.
I thought I was trying to think about that. This is why I drink, is I don't want to think about death. And I know what one day, one day I will be dying and I fucking freaks me out. Be on.
Believe it. Actually, a lot of people mentioned dude today. And the idea that you would die, you know, surprisingly or like a shocking death, why aren't we why today?
Because Madonna died and he partied so hard. Yeah, but he was 60. That's a good fucking run. It's 12 years older than you. Yeah, I can do a lot in 12 years, by the way.
I'm going to live past 60. I'll definitely make it to 65.
How do you know that? Because I didn't. I don't do Coke.
Madonna did Coke. He did do lots of coke. He drank a lot, too. Yeah. Yeah.
And he was by the way, he also was super cardiovascular fit for his whole life. Well, not his whole life.
So let's see some pictures of Madonna. I don't think I know who I'm talking about. He's in between, he's wearing the hat, he likes hats to. Yeah, he's just a security guard. I think he's the head coach of a soccer team, right? There is a security guard. I know he doesn't look great. Oh, it would only be fair.
Yeah, that's him. His team scored just like he would react.
OK, see, can I tell you what freaks me out immediately is I would use the fact that he got that excited and to mean that he was not going to have a heart attack. Yeah. Like, I keep I feel like I won't have a heart attack because I run so much and I'm always I mean, good, I can run. Yeah. But then I go and then there's Jim Fix, I think his name who just died running.
He's had a heart attack. Yeah. I'm going, I'm going in to.
Well it was always surprising that this dude was alive. This guy. How hard did he party. I don't really know much about my God.
He fucking rewrote the book on partying for real.
Yes. Yes. Big time. Big time.
So these are my canary in the mines. Like I look at lager. So then what's the option? OK, be real. What's the option?
Do I shut it down starting. I mean, like what? And just never party again. I mean that like it's not even realistic. I mean, some people would say so, but who wants to be that person?
Yeah, I mean I mean, in real life, like, do you want to be also what is like what would you try to picture, like your existence if you were like I came into town and I did my show and then I had a little salmon and then I read a book.
Yeah. And I went to bed and I got up early the next day and I looked online for some some cool pillows.
And then I got on the bus and we drove to the next town. Boring. Yeah.
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Like I don't. It's a fine line between. Do you.
Do you actually. I know. Do you get the speech about your partying a lot like I mean I don't mean from like fans, I'm saying from people close to you. Like you're so like you don't get like, you know, I don't know, like Lee-Anne or your dad doesn't know him.
She doesn't. I mean I would argue to to a fault like she never said anything to me. She's like but I think that's also.
It's interesting, I remember Barry Katz one time told me we did a pie, I'm sure I told you I know I told you about this because we were in Montreal. We did a podcast. He's like, are you ready to admit you're an alcoholic? And it was like, really? I don't know what kind of gotcha journalism he is trying to do or what. I'm sure he's just trying to get views. I don't know what I don't know why he was doing it, but I felt like going.
I get notes from people that don't know me, like Barry Katz, I, I used to work with them. I feel like, you know, he's a friend and whatnot, but I had not spoken to him on the phone in like a year at least. And then he said that.
And I thought, I wonder what what his personal assessment is or what issues he has with that, that he puts them on me because he's not with me.
Now, listen, if if I've never gotten anyone personally, Joe has said Joe has said stuff, but I go I mean, I'm like, you know, that's like me saying something to someone that I only see when I'm partying.
You know, he also does that like he he really I don't even know if he's if he's consciously aware of it, but, you know, he has like optimal human performance code in his head. Yeah. So whoever he runs into that's in like his circle that he sees an obvious thing.
He's always going to address that. Right. Like if you're smoking, he'll be like, what are you doing, smoking. Yeah. And then, you know, why would you do that if you're eating something, why are you eating that?
Like that's just like because his wiring is like by doing that you're not going to perform the way I perform.
So I wouldn't do that. Therefore, you know, I mean, like, yeah, that's kind of his brain.
I think. I think also there are parts of my lifestyle that are. That I don't think people I think people think differently about me, like like I do, I have ran so far three nine hundred and thirty five miles this year. So you only have 70, 65 miles left. You can do that. Oh, yeah. I'm definitely gonna do it. Yeah. I mean I have a whole month to do.
I normally average around one hundred miles a month and so, so like if you compare the fact that I ran a thousand miles this month with the fact that I party and I kind of I kind of level it off and I try to take care of both, but then I add something like water into my life and I go, I mean, I really wasn't taking care of myself.
Like, I swear to God, my knees stopped hurting, just stopped drinking just from drinking water.
And then and then I Google it and it's like, oh, water helps with inflammation. Like if you drink water, it helps with lower your blood pressure, like all these things. And I was like, oh, I'm having issues with that. Mm hmm. So and I am in front of it. Meaning I see a doctor or my cardiologist every nine months. But I my lifestyle but my lifestyle, if you if I was going to have an intervention, it would be for food.
It would be really for food. It wouldn't be for alcohol. I got one for us to do with that. What if we go see it. Hypnotherapist about eating.
OK, I fucking love that. I would love that I would about overeating. You know what. Oh yeah. They'll love that too. Well that's what I'm saying.
I thought if he was like he was like this is going to be orgasmic every time it goes in your mouth. That's not what I'm so fucking long now.
I would love to be one of those guys that like like to dive into a pie when they get when things get stressful, they're just like, oh, and I could go to a room, just eat like a fucking lunatic. And that gives them highs. Yeah, I'd love that.
Yeah. I think, I think we're both already there.
Yeah. With so let's do, let's definitely do that. I would love that. Let's hear any more.
Murdunna Stouffer's edit. I was just wondering, because I want to see a picture of him drawn. Look at him. Here he is.
He's snorting coke face in the cage, OK?
He's already he's the fun guy. Here's my question with Madonna, right? Yeah. I mean, this is probably. But does he go to a cardiologist? Does he have a doctor? Like he doesn't have anything anymore. He's dead.
But that's like that's my thing about it. Like when like whenever I don't think he took care of himself or something, having a heart attack or stroke, I go. But were they seeing a doctor for sure or not. And and that's where I go. Well, I'm definitely seeing a doctor. I actually talked to my doctor today. I was like I was like my heart rate's so low right now. I wonder if that can't be based on water.
But every time I have a low heart rate, it's because I'm not partying and I'm just drinking water and I'm drinking like I last night had a bottle of wine, watched the in-laws.
But that's not a lot for me. Like a bottle of wine is not a lot. That's weird. Well, but I mean, you know.
Yeah, I mean, I can't tell you super addicted like I could would really get into this if I could. But being put under anesthesia, like I remember when I had the hernia and they gave me like the fucking good stuff and like you just blackout, like it's just time travel. And then yesterday I was like, hey, so how, uh, how long will I be out? I mean, like, well, the procedures about an hour and then like 30 minutes recovery.
I was like, oh, that's it. And they're like, what do you mean? I was like, I mean, you turn it up if you want. I wouldn't mind being out for longer and then you schedule how long you'd like to be out. Oh my God. And then you come out of it every day and you're kind of groggy and I just go home and I nap for a solid 90 minutes, maybe maybe two hours.
I was like, oh, and this feels like I really like being put out. It's it is fucking like the best is to is like I'm laying on that bed and at the medical place and then they're like, all right, we're turning it up. And he goes, you're probably going to feel your eyes flutter here in a second. And I was like, oh yeah. He's like, you feel it? And I was like, What do you think?
And I was just like and put out, I want to get put out.
But I think, I mean, anxiety about getting put out. That's why I don't want any procedures.
You know, I didn't have it this time of the time before when they were going to do the hernia vasectomy, I was just a little nervous. I was like, I know this is a routine procedure, but I'm a little nervous. And they go, Oh, we'll give you some take a will give you. They just put it in the IV.
And also I was like, oh, and then they're like, you feel better.
And I was like, yeah. And then they just wheel you in and then they go even at a time to go bye bye. Maybe I'll eat an edible today. There you go.
I was this was my game plan because I got up and I was like my heart, my blood, my heart was super lower, my blood pressure was high. And I was like, oh, I have to take my blood pressure medicine. Maybe that's it. Maybe I need to take my blood pressure medicine for it to keep my blood pressure lower. And I started having panic about it and I got on the treadmill. I felt fine. I was like, oh, I'm not I don't feel weird.
I don't in my heart rate was so low, it still is low. And then I got done and I lifted weights.
I got in the shower and I was like I was like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to do two bears, one. And I'm gonna treat myself to take a Xanax and go to bed.
That was for today. Today. So you're going to do it later? I'm going to just tap out. I don't want to be here today. And all this talk about you getting put under, I was like, yeah, fuck everyone do it.
I'm out. I like it. You don't get Purt today world. Try to attack me, see what happens. Put your hand out, you get smacked smack down. Yeah, I'm fucking smacked down by a full mg and power know half a milligram, half mg kg kills me.
I actually would only do a quarter of MG because I, I like I'll be drooling all night.
Then I'll open a bottle of wine around 8:00. My nice Xanax is passed through my system, but then you got residual effects, you have one glass of wine all suddenly just kicks back and you know.
That is, there is something really cool being put out. Oh, it's the best. I wonder if Michael Jackson's just in heaven. I mean, that's what he probably like. Finally, finally, I got put under forever.
It's got to be the best.
I wonder if you're I'll tell you right now if I was it, you know, we should get for New Year's Eve Propofol.
Oh. Laughing Gas. Let's get a dentist here to administer laughing gas to us.
I don't know that they would maintain their license. But I'm down, I remember one time I was getting put under and I watched the dentist do this. Like, crank up the levels and I went for and I started dancing, my head was still attached, but I was dancing underneath and I was like, this is awesome. Drugs are the best.
How hard is it to get laughing gas if you can get a tank of nitrous oxide? Oh, my God.
You know, we should get we should get fucking chloroform and chloroform each other on nitrous oxide seeping in by nitrous target sells nitrous oxide.
I don't know that that's the kind we want. Maybe not. Target. Oh, they they saw whippets, probably. I don't know, I don't want to do whippets, and so I think I'm a aged out of whippets. All right, good. Chloroform. See if you can buy some chloroform. How funny would be if we just prank chloroformed each other? Yeah, thieving about. You can buy it. That's definitely for sale for 24 dollars.
Jesus. How are people not chloroforming more people? I don't know, but we definitely have to if we get this, we start with Nadaf. We got to try to see how much you need.
We did Laci Anderson, Laci Peterson. What's the girl who killed her kid? That not Laci Peterson. Who's Laci Peterson?
She got killed by her husband. Oh, not that one. Yeah. Who's the hot one? Who killed her kid in Orlando? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Casey Anthony. Casey Anthony. Nancy, Casey Anthony. Did she chloroform her kid? I don't know.
I think she chloroformed type and chloroform. Searched 84 Zipporah, they said Anthony used chloroform to render her daughter unconscious before putting duct tape over her nose and mouth to suffocate her and left Caylee's body in the trunk of a car for a few days before disposing of it.
Jesus Christ, that is really intense and selfish.
It's a little selfish fucking just because you want to party. Yeah, it's pretty selfish. It's pretty selfish. I would say that's a very kind way of describing chloroform.
Man, how are people not chloroform?
Got to people with chloroform worked the way it does in a movie. Hey, type in video of a person getting chloroform. Oh yeah. Is there a YouTube video of that. Yeah. Hey, this is unboxing.
I just got chloroform. I'm going to chloroform my wife. Um, making chloroform? No, no, no, I don't want to be making it, I want to see it being administered. So. Um. That might be a little too old, maybe like let's look for a more modern version of it. Um, look. There's got to be it's to be the problem is you on YouTube right now. Yeah. It's got to it's got to be a chloroform, doesn't really knock you out.
Tested, tested. What is that racist picture?
I think it's just a man from a Sikh Indian man.
I think that's a white guy making fun of us. He can be a man. I don't think so. There's no Sekine. Any man that looks like that right there. That guy right there looks like Mickey Rooney from Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Really? Yeah. You're not seeing it clearly.
That one right there. I was getting a fake teeth in. I think I need. OK.
All right. Put that down. Get chloroform. Man accused of using chloroform to sexually assault.
I never forget a guy knocks himself out with Propofol. Oh, uh, that's different. But, God, that's the best. How is that YouTube ticktock kid not given? Himself, chloroform, which could as some tick tock kidnapped I, by the way, this is we are not proponents of the use of chloroform yet.
We just gave a horrible idea to every fucking viral video kid who's like, my name's Johnny and this is the chloroform challenge.
Don't do that. Definitely don't do that.
Have you ever seen Ari smoke salvia? Sabiha That's what's the one that Miley Cyrus smoked Satava salvia. We were seeing Ari smoke salvia. Now there's a video of Ari smoking salvia. Yeah. What is salvia do for you?
I don't know. Uh. Tiepin, Ari Shapiro, salvia. So what does he he smokes it and he goes and he goes crazy. It's really disturbing and. OK. That's him talking about it, it looks like there's an actual video. I saw an actual video of him doing it. Uh, it's a really shitty, shitty shot, it's it's on YouTube, though, the time our used a condom is of it's a video.
Oh my God, I tripped on salvia, but that's him talking about it.
We want to see him actually smoking. R.E. smokes salvia.
OK, let's try that. Saffir smokes salvia. Yeah, I guess they're right there, right there is that I think that's it. Oh, Jesus. Can we play this, I'm sure we can. I thought it was in a bedroom for some reason. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is it. Oh, my God, it is that this is for real. Yeah. How old is this got to be really old. This is on Ustream, yeah.
And Sam Tripolis holding him like a child. Yeah, go back, go back, I want to hear it because it's he makes like crazy noises. Oh, man. By the way, this is why would you smoke salvia?
Does that do anything because you wanted to feel like shit for it? We can't play the audio. I don't think so. No, I know why not. I want to hear it. Well, because it's going to get a look at him. Look at him. Yeah, he's fighting him.
Oh, no. Is that right? Ben and Jen Kirkman. It looks like that's not Jack Burkman. Who is it?
I don't know. Oh, my God. It's super upsetting.
Yeah, that does. Look, I remember watching it and going, but I guarantee you, you know, who would fucking definitely be a part of the chloroform challenge, but legion of Skanks. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they definitely have it. By the way, you were funny.
You just planted that seed to two guys. Head WSJ Gomez Artisphere big joke. And Dave Smith and tell them you can buy chloroform for twenty five four dollars on eBay.
There you go. There you go. They're going to be chloroforming. The fuck. I love this shit you can find online. Yeah. Stuff you find online that just goes huh. Yeah.
Like what. I started buying Tomahawks. Tomahawks about four Tomahawks last night.
The throw. Yeah.
Just throw around my backyard.
There's some and I put one in each of the girls so crazy that everything like that I go man that will my kids will kill each other or themselves with anything.
Oh your kids. Definitely my kids are a little more tippex are girls I think. And they're not into Tomahawks. Yeah I bought Tomahawks from really nice ones from Spider Co like a like a a plastic like fiber composite handles was not wood. Yeah. And sharp blades and I you can find all on my Instagram stories, I think you find more mainstream stories.
It's a really pretty one. Boys are so destructive and I just put them in my girls bedrooms. I said someone breaks into your window tomac their fucking head, how they respond to they loved it.
They have knives everywhere. Like I have knives all over the room. I'll has a sword next to a bed.
Dude, if you did this in my house, it would just be a bloodbath. Let go back. Go back, go back. Go back. I think I'm in the keep going back. That's the push. That's because of your bathroom there. Look at this. Look at this. Yeah. Take a look at this tomahawk. Jesus, Ben. So good looking tomahawk it is right? The. Yep, it's a badass looking tomahawk. It looks cool, and then and then I showed this bathroom to push.
I think she would love this bathroom. Bathroom is a bathroom that has a kitchen attached to it. Where so because not to tell too much your business and you get out of this out if you want, but push like right by your bathroom. Bush has a coffeemaker. She loves it. Yeah, she has just coffee and it's really smart.
It's kind of really why go downstairs to make coffee when you're just going to be upstairs to have your coffee upstairs. Right. Get your shit started in the morning, have a little sitting area. And this woman, Tamara Day, who were obsessed with bargain mansions, it's her show and she is kills it in bathrooms. Like I'm telling you, this house that we are with, this woman, we reached out to her to, like, go, hey, can you help us give us some ideas for what we're building?
Yeah. And she had a bathroom where she had a like a like a a couch. A morning kitchen. Yeah. In the bathroom. Like a little area where you made the best. And Leeann's like, oh my God, push would fucking love this.
You know, we got the idea years ago when we were home shopping. And, you know, you look at so many different houses and we were in a house and it was the upstairs master and the the you know, the selling agent was like, oh, you know, here's this. And you're kind of like walking through the. And she she pressed a button in the bathroom. I remember that. And this drawer opened. I was like, what is that?
And she was like, oh, it's the there coffee setup. Or like up here. And at first I was like, why the fuck would they have that? And she goes, so that, you know, you have to go downstairs to get your coffee. You wake up in the morning here.
And I remember looking at Christine and she was like, so she started doing like the makeshift version of that. So every morning, you know, she'd be like, do you want a coffee? And just, like, make coffee right there in the bedroom.
I love you guys. You guys have turned me on to certain things that I can't unsee. Now, I remember I remember this.
It's funny how you can remember something that a friend tells you and you almost never forget it.
And any time I'm driving on the 405 where by your old old old like house not you remember the one that was over in the hills over there. Yeah, I remember you saying. Bush looked at you and said, we have money now, we can buy Charger's for all our. Oh my God, this is a that was a game changer. That was a game changer. It was a game changer for me.
So I started saying, go buy a bunch of outlet like phone chargers I bought the other day. I bought like five phone chargers and they should be plugging them in everywhere. So any time you sit down, you're like, oh, partners right here as opposed to owning one one. And we used to be like, oh, I guess I don't get to charge my phone today.
Yeah. So dumb. And like it's like thirty bucks. Yeah. We should do it.
This is the greatest thing you've ever. And I remember going I remember the time we had a phone charger over plugged into like into the wall but it was in your phone. Just sit on the ground. Yeah.
And I was like I have.
And then I found out they made like six foot cords. Yes. I was like, oh, so I don't have to be in bed on my phone like this. Yeah. I can just go like that. Right. Yeah.
Like it's so funny.
Those little workaround little things that you go like why did I not allow myself to think that I could just buy another charger. Yeah.
And it's because you're trying to stay. But like when we got in the car after having dinner at your house and lingoes, Bush has a coffeemaker in her bathroom.
And I was like, what? She's like, yeah. And she was like, that's crazy, right? And I was like, yeah. And then we were laying in bed and she was like, Leons, like. Should we put a coffee maker in our new bathroom and I was like, I think so. We're not going to want to go all the way out to get coffee. It's great. And she was like. I want to get a coffee break and then we saw this on Bargain-basement and I was like, holy fuck, man, like you really change the way your brain thinks.
Exactly. It really is like a sound. It does. I'm so used to it now. But the best thing is, like, you wake up, you're like, oh, right, you're early. Take your leak.
And, you know, people like me brush their teeth and then you go you go like, oh, you did better today.
Well I water pick a lot. Yeah that's good. But then I like to be like OK and like have a coffee right away right there in your room. Oh.
And then you know slowly you know, sit back on your bed, you just drink your coffee as opposed to like getting your whole morning routine and then go downstairs then make it. I don't know, I think it's a it's a great way to start the day.
Finding a cheat code for your life is there should be a TV show called Chicos where you find out people that are doing it right and then do it a certain way.
I love this. I love and I want more of those insights from people where they go. Have you thought about doing it this way? And you're like, no, I did not.
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You just let you go. You've seen it. You show me certain things that I'll never forget. And you know how you love pimple popping. Yes, ok, this is an intense one. But I think because you love Pymble popping. Yeah. That you'll appreciate it. We we showed this on our live show. Um, did you watch the live show? No, I have to watch it.
But this is like a it's kind of like below the below the belt.
Right. It's below the waist. So that's why we can't show it to the YouTube audience. But it's it's pretty it's pretty intense, I think.
That isn't a vagina. Yeah, right. Tell me how satisfying that is. Oh, my God, is that an abscess? Yes, yes. How does she get that? I don't know how she got it. I just know that she's taking care of it. She has no problem squeezing the fuck out of that. And it's so much. She's kind of skinny. Yeah, and that thing is kind of it smells so bad.
Oh, oh, she's got to see a doctor. Oh yeah. I wouldn't have done any of this on my own.
I certainly wouldn't have videotaped it, but I certainly wouldn't have posted it. Yeah. Just her and like just bare fingers squeezing it also, I feel like whatever's coming out of it could infect her. It definitely could. Definitely could. She's going to get a bladder infection of. Her hands trembling, I want to see what she looks like, her asshole isn't good enough for you. Oh, my God, that's it. That's what makes me want to brush my teeth.
Oh, my God. Draining an abscess. Yeah. Yeah. I remember my dad woke me up one time, he was like, Buddy, you got to see this. And I was like, what is it? He was like, come here. He's like, Remember that lump I had on my back? And I was like, yeah. And I I wasn't paying attention to what I was looking at.
And he goes, take a look at this. And he just it's like I like 2:00 in the morning, 2:00 in the morning, he wakes you up and woke me up for it and he just starts squeezing it. And I realize it's been spraying all over the mirror in his bathroom.
And it's like he's just one person and it's just squeezing. I was like, holy shit. Deibert tell you about the time I popped a pimple in my nose and a hair came out. This is like the most amazing thing that I've ever done and no one ever witnessed me. So it's like it's like hitting a hole in one when you're playing by yourself and then no one believes you. Yeah.
I had a you know, when you get like a like a lump on your a pimple on the inside of your nose. Yeah. It was killing me. It was killing me. And I was in I was a sophomore in college and I was in my bathroom and I was like, I'm just going to try to pop it. It started showing up on the other side like it was red on the outside. So I was like, I'm just gonna try to pop it through this way.
And I put my finger on my nose and I just squeezed as hard as I could and a fucking hair just went so out of my nose, I think like almost like Excalibur.
That's what was creating that. And it was a hair in there. And I was like I pulled the hair out and as I pulled the hair out, plus just started pouring out of my nose and I was like, oh, my God. Squeezed it and hosed the mirror down. Just put the face one.
This like this you're definitely going to get a kick out of. This is also something we were able to play on the live show.
It did much. Go in there and get behind the what is it? What is it? You know, just some type of like growth, like some type of system pocket. You know, I do not. But I thought of you immediately. I was like, Bird's going to love this, OK? He seems so calm. Is he sedated?
Fucking piece of shit. And then he gets pliers. Oh, shit, oh, shit, that fucking hurt. Look at that. Now, I got a deeper look at the size of the hole.
Oh, very. Oh, shit, mother fucker. I don't know what the fuck that is. I don't know what the fuck. What is it? Good.
It's like it looks like it just systemis pulled out entirely and it's so fucking rewarding. I knew you'd go back to I want to see the second it comes out.
Oh, my God, what is it? How do we get hold of this guy? I want to find out what it was. I want to find out what it was to. I would love to get a hold of this guy. I have the look on his face that is a hole. OK, now here's what we need. We need research on this guy.
Who is this guy? We know how he found like Nadia. It was just sent into the one major email we should try to find them. OK, if we can find this guy, I want to see what his face like looks like. Do you need any tips? Not yet. I I've been pretty dehydrated for the last 48 years.
Listen, hang on one second. Have you ever seen salivary stones type in God? How do you find all these salivary stones? OK. OK, now, now go hang on. So. So wait, hold on. Go to YouTube and type it in YouTube. OK, by the way, like I'm swallowing aggressively, I think. Oh, what's going on with me? Salvors don't type in, Burt. Look at this. Oh, hang on.
OK, go down, fuck all these come up when you type in Burt, Krischer, salivary stones, you look really skinny right there where we're makes local news the funniest ever.
I was really skinny there by the. Know what? There's a guy that removes one, all right, and let me speak, you find it, I find it and I'll. All right, I'll find it.
Go to a type in salivary stone. What's the name of my open tabs? I've been Tab's, that's it, so I go to that and and and scroll scroll. Scroll, scroll, until I show you until you see Silverstone removal and and then will. I should do open tabs again. That was a good show. I wonder what's the legality of that? I can't play these clips the way I was there it is, there it is. Find out what that video is.
Find out what that video is. Can you see that video? Zoom in and read the copy in it. I see it. Yeah, OK. Can you find that video? Salivary gland. Yeah, OK, you had this that guy, that guy, that guy play this for Tom. This makes my dick hard.
I love this this fucking I don't know, whatever that is. I by the way, I need you to send me that clip of that guy pulling that thing out of his face. I want to I need to watch that over and over and over again for whatever for whatever reason.
That feeling when you see it come out, that makes me so excited. All right. You ready for a fucking banger? OK, sit down. This is maybe something I've watched a million times. Really. I've watched this so much.
I know on. And what what led to you discovering this? I have no idea, he wrote, Removing my own saddle salivary gland St..
I have no fucking idea, and by the way, I thought I had one of these recently. I didn't. But what had happened was I had a problem underneath my tongue and I thought I had one of these. And that, like, is it that little white? No, no, no, no, no.
You just watch.
Just watch. OK, ok. Can you play audio? Oh, yeah, I guess not. Uh, OK. OK, hold on. This using a needle there? Yeah, it's a little white thing. It's that little white thing. OK, by the way, his haircut always, like, caught me off guard. Well, what part of it?
Like the fact that it's like combed part over.
So he's going to add a scalpel? No, this is a Exacto knife. OK, so he's got to exact a knife. He's got this white thing and he's trying to cut, like, the skin around it so we can get this out of his mouth.
Why would you not go see someone? He is left handed, obviously.
Why are you doing this yourself? Why are you doing this yourself? Because you because you got online and you found out I can do this. It's not that hard. Hold on. Here comes the fucking money shot. OK. OK, you watch this. I've watched this so much. I've watched this with my daughters. I've watched this with my wife. I watch this with I've watched this on open tabs I. Can I still do open tabs, was that illegal now?
OK, now he's got tweezers and he's just trying to get it and it keeps slipping, they keep slipping and he's drooling. That's the hard part about this. So he's cut the skin around what even is a salib. Wait till you see what he takes out of his face.
Oh, my God. Wait till you see what is removed.
By the way, I would love to talk to this guy. See, these are things that I like. If you said.
You ready? Hold on. Yeah. Get a hold of it, buddy. You got to get a hold of it. Yeah, I think this is the one that definitely got it now. I think he goes back in with the knife. Oh, really? I think he does. I think he has to cut even deeper. Do you understand what a slippery stone. I don't. But, boy, do I know what one is like.
Yeah, I think that's something we should put up on another page and be like so you can almost see that their skin all around it and he's and all that part right there. I think he's got to cut it one more time. Watch how he goes in and he goes, I just got to get under it buddy.
I got to get under it.
By the way, I would make out with this guy if you let me take one out of his mouth.
Let's get someone with fuckin a dilated paw was just some people popper removers on our live show. Yeah. Oh, we're doing a live show, by the way. Oh yeah. We should tease. Well, because we don't have the will talk about it here in a second.
Finish this. Let's get you ready. So now he's going around, he's drying the area, getting it dry so we can go. Tom, get ready. How much time is up in this video?
Uh. Scroll, use your scroller to make sure we're getting close, go, yeah, yeah, go to their go to. OK, here we go.
A little more of a cut. Oh my God. This is more of a cut out of his mind. A little more of a cut. Is he American? Yeah, he is. Yeah he is. He doesn't have an accent. Nope. I think he's from Wisconsin.
As a matter of fact, he's got foreign vibes. He's come for bombs. There's an Exacto in his mouth.
Yeah, exactly. He's like, this is what we do in Syria. Oh, my God. That just came out of his fucking. No. Yeah, look at that fucking no. Oh, my God, what is that? I have no idea. What is a salivary stone? Salivary glands don't type in it. What is it, guys? It's got to be from like a too much Kool-Aid or something.
Oh, my God. Look at that. That came out of his fucking mouth.
And they're rock hard. A rock hard there. Rock hard. I thought I was getting one, too. Salivary glands, Silverstone's, also called Cielo Theses, are hard hardened mineral deposits that form in the salivary glands. The condition is more likely to affect people aged 30 to 60 and men are more likely to get salivary stones than women. I still don't really understand what it is.
It's just like it's a collection of calcium you ever get. Do you ever get tonsil stones?
Tonsil stones are like it's just what does it say there for how you get rid of them like that, that, oh, you take an exact I'm going with your roommate them film it.
Your doctor or dentist may suggest sucking on sugar free lemon drops, drinking a lot of water. The goal is to increase saliva production, to force the stoned out of your duct. Oh, my. Or you could take a fucking Exacto knife into your mouth. Jesus Christ, man, that is so crazy. What I just saw.
It is fucking crazy. How much have you drank today? Right now or. I think we're coming up on a gallon. We have six of the six total at 1:00 this morning. When I woke up, I had one before I walked in here with you guys. And then these are for some six, what, six times 16.
And and tell me where I'm at. Yeah, but I have two more before we leave, really? Yeah, I like water. Yeah, water's good. Shallow to liquid death.
Thank you for sending these to my house. You've had almost 100 ounces. I think one twenty eight is a gallon. So you're right there. You're almost there. And we're like 10 in the morning. It's a little later than that, like early in the morning. Let's talk about our live gig.
OK, so we're going to do this is the pre because we're not this is not the actual on sale. Yeah, but this is just the pre announcement.
We are going to do a New Year's Eve because they look I mean, who are you going to party with this year? You can't go to big parties. You can party with us. Here's what we're trying to do. I don't know if we'll we'll survive. We're trying to do New Year, Happy New Year and every American time zone. So starting counting Hawaii.
Good point. We're trying to do start just before the East Coast. Go then go to Central Mountain and then Pacific.
And we have and you heard horrible representations of stereotypical versions of what we believe.
You you look like if you live in those planet, each of those time zones, we are going to party hard. Lots of booze, lots of edibles. We're talking about maybe chloroform, chloroform. Besides partying, we are we've already got the ball rolling on making porn's for each other.
We are hiring companies to make porn's and see like what what porn can make the best porn. Yeah.
You remember when we had this horrible idea one time which one we thought about. We should do each other's porn's. Yeah. And then we forgot about it and the Dobb came out, he goes, hey, you guys are going to make pourings. We're like New Year's Eve.
We also do have a competition going that we're going to be doing. And we have some special guests, surprise guests and treats for that day. So I believe we're going to be edging the whole night until we become goon's, until, yeah, we're going to edge all the way up until New Year's Eve, our time, and then we're going to blow our load.
That's going to be a lot of happy new year. So solidarity stones. Yeah. Michael style message us both about a new article. He has a male magazine about that. You see that that top left when there the psychedelic science of Gowning. So that's this whole thing.
I love finding out this deep, weird, layered stuff.
So edging is obviously it's pretty popular in northern edges. Yeah. Edging is like I've never done it. I can't. I can't. Are you kidding me? You see, the way I drink water. Do you think I can edge. I've done it before. You think. Are you serious. Yeah. Yeah I've done it. Yeah it's. What do you do.
You just basically go up to the right before the point of no return, let's say as a man with orgasm and then you taper off.
Right. And then you, you keep doing that. So you're building the anticipation and you're basically in that like that 90 to 95 percentile.
Is it kind of like like I remember a couple times when I was single, I'd be hooking up with a chick and I'd be so horny I'd be shaking almost.
Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's sort of like that. And you're basically just prolonging being in that really erogenous zone and then you go up until you decide.
So then but this gurning thing, I never I learned from reading this article and gowning apparently is when you take edging to the next level and go into an almost hypnotic, semi meditative mental state where you're vibrating and it takes like somebody people do it for hours.
Oh, I've been good. Then you have. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I've been I remember I hooked up with this one chick and and she kept playing with my dick but not like just playing with it a little bit and stopping. That's different then. No, but I was like, I was like getting ready every time. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't she just stop and I was like motherfucker these guys are.
Do you know what these guys are doing for gowning. They're setting up multi cams like oh like oh no, no. So like there's one here.
If there's one hyperlinked here, if you scroll through the story now, go go back to that story. And it says, like about somebodies set up, it has a hyperlink to it.
So like scroll through the story and it has it says that. Right, that that seahorse has a nice green monolith right there. Next paragraph down. It's right there. Yeah. So like dudes who are gunning are doing shit like this.
Well, like they're, they're, they're going into like porn overload, you know, I mean, like they have tons of porn going and they're getting into a masturbatory super state and they're they're basically doing this for hours and hours till they're they are consumed. Their body is just like in a trance. And they can sometimes go for like three, four or five, six hours. No way.
Yeah, it's a whole I mean, he even says in the article that it it kind of you go like there's a wow factor. This the. You go, it's like a dangerous in the sense of like super addictive state of like somebody just consuming nothing but this, you know, I mean, like to your mind and you can get really warped and lost in it.
But yeah, these are called shit goons, man gunning because Goon Goon is such an you know, it's so interesting.
I got obsessed with the word guns, a good word goon's, a good word. And if you type in OMGPOP, there was a gun.
And then that's also like I mean, I always heard in in hip hop, goon is like is like a like thug basically. Like I got goons in every city, you know, type in the word.
Let's Google the word goon. Because June is also a hockey term. Mm hmm. There's a movie, Sean William Scott Anderson. Yeah, let's go to Webster Dictionary here. Let's see what what they have for the definition. A goon, a stupid person, that's the first definition a man hired to terrorize or eliminate opponents. I think that's the enforcer. So that's where I think the like where I heard it in in like rap songs and shit type pictures of guns.
A cat with glasses. Oh, it's all right. A bunch of hockey people. Yeah, it's all hockey because of that movie. There we go. Look at that. The Goonies. Yeah. Look at the squad, the goon squad, what a bad word, goon squad. But now there's a new definition.
I wonder if we should call our fans goon's. I mean, it could happen. Yeah, I mean, were a little late to to call our fans something. Yeah, yeah. Like like 50 some episodes in the Slipknot, they call their fans maggots. Yeah. And I think it would be weird to right now name them. Yeah.
Especially honeypots like we're telling them to like oh you guys jerk off all day to us.
I mean we just learned a new definition. But look at this, guys.
I'm going to start using the word gun, right. I like a gun. I tell you a phrase that I just called my dad. Stop. I tell you a phrase that I that I liked. I'm watching this documentary on Ronald Reagan. I never expected that sentence to come out of your mouth.
His son said his son said his dad gave in to low effort thinking.
Low effort thinking that's what his son says about. He said he does not not to be disrespectful of my dad, but at that point when his dad became more conservative, he said he just gave in to low effort thinking and just said, you know, conservative politics, white man needs to be about a black man like, you know, low effort thinking. He said, well, apparently at the time, the parties were saying the parties kind of shifted.
I think he was a Democrat. And then Democrats started elevating everyone. I think back then in the old school, old school Democrats were like, no white man's definitely out to be about a black man.
Like, just give me a heads up elevated, but not to our level. And Ronald, by the way, this. I have no idea of what I'm saying is accurate at all. I have listen to this. I have listened this and then started writing down quotes that they were saying. But Ronald Reagan said his he didn't quit his party. His party quit him. And so and then his son said he gave in to low effort thinking, which is basically just just going like not thinking about things and just going, yeah, fuck, damn.
You know, low effort thinking. I love that phrase. Low effort thinking. Yeah. This podcast is brought to you by Wub. I use my wub last night. Listen, if you're trying to get in shape, this is the best personal fitness tracker and coach. I mean, quite honestly, it's my coach. Last night I said I have a busy day to day. What time do I need to go to bed? So I went to the sleep coach.
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Let's talk about customer service. Here's what's frustrating as a customer is when you call in and they don't care, the guy on the phone is getting paid X dollars an hour and he just doesn't care. Flip it around. Imagine that's your business and a customer calls in and that person you're paying doesn't care. I don't ever want that as a business owner. That's why I love Zendesk. Zendesk gives businesses everything they need to stay connected with their customers, communicate seamlessly across all channels, email, phone, chat, message your community forum and help center or even social media.
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And with over one hundred and fifty thousand paid customer accounts and over a decade of experience, they've gotten pretty good at customer service themselves. See for yourself. Why is why the best customer service experiences are built with Zendesk get started right now at Zendesk dot com slash bears that Zendesk dotcom bears low effort thinking that was the other. And then I'm going to try to slide these into in the sentences, not to put a fine point on it, but that's, that's the phrase not to put too fine a point on it.
I won't be able to slide that in. What does that mean? Not to put too fine a point on it. Not to put too fine, what does it mean to say, like when you say she said not to put too fine a point on it and then kept saying, and I was like, that's such a good phrase, but what does it mean?
It says, to speak bluntly. So if I was like not. How to use it in a sentence? Well, it says right there and not to put not to put too fine a point on it, your Emily is a liar. Oh, so it's oh, so not to oh, so it's like it's like I don't want to tell you exactly the truth, but you're a whore.
Yeah I do.
Fine a point on it to be completely direct and honest. I think she'd love it not to put too fine a point on it. So you say that right before you slam someone. Yeah. You like that.
Oh hey, that's not to put too fine a point on it. You're a fucking goon.
Yeah, that's a great challenge. Guys, I would love to see your videos of you sliding that into something with some low effort thinking.
So, like, say to your wife, like not to put too fine a point on it, but you've gained weight. I put that in a video video and then she'll be like, wait, yo, I'm dying. I'm trying not to put too fine a point on it. I'm doing it bit. Yeah. Yeah. All right.
Here's the other one. What's good for the company is good for the business and what's good for the business is good for the employee, and I thought, oh, and then, you know, you know what phrase I haven't used ever.
And it's in your videos to two bears, one cave at Gmail dot com.
And what's interesting is that it's all older people talk like no one talks like this because people say words like dope, you know, so dope. And you're like, I'm never given into that. I've never given into I'm obsessed with original thoughts and original ideas.
There is a good point to be made that modern day slang that, you know, you usually are drawn to and you use more when you're young really actually limits your descriptive ability.
And like when somebody goes, that's cool, cool, we use a ton, but really it doesn't really cool can mean so much. Yeah. That it's better actually to hear somebody explain what's cool about it because what do you mean by cool. Like that was cool. What was cool. Like you can mean that like I enjoyed it, it was different, it was creative, it was art, it was a new experience.
Like it's so much better to actually describe it. It's just use a limit. Like one word that you guys though. Yeah, it's lit. Like, I really have a problem, but we all fall into that trap. I actually don't I you know, I don't say dope.
I try not to say phrases do that make. I know you do. I know Joe does. And it's interesting because I you guys are both grown ups who speak for a living and it's inhaling and you guys are fucking moron. I know. But it's interesting when you guys lean into I remember when I stopped doing it, I stopped doing it. When I moved to New York, Godfrey would say phrases that were popular. I can't remember exactly what one is.
But like he would say like like mad. That's mad. Crazy, son. Yeah. Like and I and it was I remember hearing him.
I'm not the same guy. I'm not slamming coffee. But like I remember hearing him use a phrase that I had heard people use I hadn't previously heard him use. And I thought he just adopted that. I remember thinking I don't ever want to adopt anyone else's speak. I don't want to adopt group speak. I want to have my own speak. Now, I'm certain I do it all over the place. I'm certain I do. But I but with words like dope, I, I it's not I've never said that before and so we're hella like that.
Hello. Hello. Hello. Yeah. Some of those things become like regional, some pellis regional.
Hella is like Northern Cal Northern California. Yeah. And so I just never did it. And then today I'm watching this documentary on Ronald Reagan and I'm like, oh, they're using beautiful words to express their things that at the time were probably dope and lit and hella not to put too fine a point on it as opposed to real talk. You're a whore. Yeah. You know. Well, yeah.
I mean, you're making the point though that I mean, those are SS and essentially you're saying the same thing, real talk and not to put too fine a point on it, it's just a phrasing adapted by two different cultures really.
And I was trying to say today I want to come up with phraseology for my next special. That is my own thoughts of ways to say real talk or and songs like Obsessed with that. This is what, by the way, this is what makes me crazy as a comic is I now am sitting on the treadmill this morning trying to come up with phraseology to replace dope and let my daughters do it. My daughters like that's the content I'm here for.
I go, don't use tired speech, don't use meme speech.
I'll write in your real life that lowers you as a human, that lowers you into the commonality of everyone of like, oh, I don't have real ideas.
You're only so far removed from. That's what she said when you start doing that. Right. Like you're basically that's why I love this podcast. Yeah. I did not have this idea fully thought out. Yeah. And then I bring a half baked idea to you and it is. That's what she said. Yeah. It's, that's what she said. Yeah.
It's and the thing is in the last year I feel like I've been a part of a couple of conversations with someone unironically said that and I wanted to die and I wanted to hurt them so badly, you know, like when somebody actually just goes, that's what she said. And you're like. This is really happening right now. I have a bus driver who's obsessed with that's what she said, hey, buddy, you're not hiding who it is.
You do that, Ron. Ron says that's what she says so much to the point that I now find it hysterical. Well, yeah, that's because it becomes ironic that.
And so it's it's fucking frightening to me.
I mean, this was more when I had a day job, there was a group of guys that I worked with. I don't know if you've ever you ever met these guys. And they were so obsessed with pause and no homo for anything like anything, if you're like. That's that seems hard on the paws, but what do you mean, like you said, that hardened like guys, we're we're fucking 26.
Like, can we it's it's it's it's elevating your speech. To just so you don't sound like the 15 year old on the Internet.
Yeah, he has the tick tock at the moment like it's an eye tired speech. I just go I want I want to challenge my daughters to have independent, brilliant thoughts on their own as opposed to having their personalities be defined by tick tock.
It's so difficult that I really think that in the future you are going to get really genius people who walk away from social media and create fucking brilliant ideas.
I tell you about the dream I had with Matthew McConaughey, where he was like he was telling me something and he was like, this is what I'm also obsessed with. He was telling me something. And I said. About existence and time travel and all this stuff, and I was like, I mean, I'm not that smart. I can't really I don't care for all of you. I don't I don't like read books or whatever. And he goes he goes, I you're not I'm not that smart.
I'm just telling you stuff I read in a book. I'm just repeating something I read in a book. Right. You're smart because you have brand new thoughts that no one had before.
And the I woke up in a fucking spiral trying to wrap my head around thoughts no one ever had before. Like a totally original thought. Totally.
Have you ever had a totally original thought with no like even original thoughts that I've had someone actually did before? A lot of them. And so to have complete original thought. That's an interesting question.
Borderlines on crazy, crazy people have original thoughts. That's true. That is true. Some people think like the rest of us. Right? That's true. That's actually a good observation.
And then when you hear crazy thoughts that somebody has that are original but crazy, you're normally the reaction to that is you're fucking crazy. There's a crazy shit. I've never heard anybody say that before. Right. Because you've never heard anybody say before.
This goes back to push having a fucking coffeemaker in your bathroom. Right. And you see originally, like when you first saw that original thought, the way we did you market because you're like, what the fuck? And then you're like, and that's on the car. And that's what this is. We come full circle.
We want. To two bears, one cave at Gmail dot com. Send us your best original thoughts. Yeah, it's the number two bears, the number one cave at Gmail Dack. I want original thoughts. I want I want someone who goes like I remember one time. I do remember Harley from epic meal time. Yeah. Harly one time goes. I don't know if you saw the original thought. I'm sure that's too convenient right now. But was original thought and he had two toothbrushes.
He goes quickly to brush your teeth and he pressed his tops and his bottoms.
Right. I was like, yeah, oh, yeah, I keep saying I want a water pick in my shower. Yeah, like I want by the way, toothbrush in the shower is a really good one. Toothbrush in the shower, shitting in the shower. Original thought. Nope. But makes you look crazy.
Let's skip that all together. You don't want to do that. So Diaz used to do that and that should summarize that whole idea for you and then you just stop it down.
And my wife saw me one time and I was throwing it.
I was throwing it to the toilet from the from the shower. She saw me throwing the shit in the air and she said, Joey, that's enough.
Right. That's when I stopped doing it. Like, that's an insane thought.
Oh, you threw a log from the toilet in the shower, the toilet.
I'm trying to think of my best original thought. Oh. My best that I applied in my house, that I go, oh, yeah, that's like like I, I don't know, I got I'm going to have to really think about this. I'm dying to hear your original thoughts on what is this? What is this life hacks. Oh, life. OK. Oh, I love these. I really do love these.
By the way, a frozen grapes are gangster. I had them at a resort one time. It was laying by the pool and they're like, would you like some frozen grapes? I'm like, what do you mean? And they're like, we just, you know, just try them.
And you start like sucking on a frozen grape and then it kind of softens a little bit. And if it's hot out, that's such a treat. Yeah. Frozen grape.
If you never tried it, I'm telling you, it's better in the summertime, but it's it's an incredible treat.
I like keeping our children in the refrigerator. That's a yeah. That's it's a crazy thought. But then you go got them and it's refreshing. It's fun. Yeah. To be like that's ice. Quite exactly what I want to do with ice cube wine ice cubes. Never hold the fuck.
Hold on. Hold on. Oh for cooking with wine past. All right. OK.
Because I loved you on an ice cubes, how much you can eat it. And also somebody would be like, hey Burt, did you just eat six trays of ice.
I love chewing on ice, drinking wine on the treadmill. That's an original thought. That's a very original thought. What's this one?
Pen spring protection. Adding a pen spring around your cords will keep the ends from fraying. Oh, just what you need.
I don't think I know. OK, ok. OK, I get it. I keep going. Post-it note on a keyboard. Yeah. I've seen that keyboard rubber band on a round of paint can for what I know. Check yourself in. While House-hunting was that mean. He may get a little bigger.
Make sure you've got cell service while you're house-hunting you wouldn't want to move into a place where you couldn't take calls you had you moved in a couple of those, every house, every house, flip flops.
If you've ever had a flip flop out pop out of place while you were walking, you're going to really enjoy the simple hack. But you'll probably be a little peeved.
You didn't think of it sooner. So what do you do?
You take the bread thing from the bread. Does it go through like the tie from the back? Yeah. Oh, that's actually very clever. OK, or you could just go to free water Starcom and get the new Birte flip flop or go summer the winter house. You cut perfect cinnamon rolls with floss. Easy way to. Yeah, yeah. You know what else you can do is floss for this is kind of to remove, you know, people sometimes on the back of a car.
It'll say it'll be the badge like Mercedes S5 like that.
You can heat that up with a hairdryer and with floss, pull it and remove your badges like some people want to clean back. Really?
Yeah. Hair dryer and floss. I love that easily poured dressing. Oh, that's interesting. You know, poke with a fork and all right, so it doesn't pour all out at once, I'll tell you what, they ended when I first when we first started dating. She would buy butter and then put it on the counter. So soft butter, soft. But really, I was like, soft butter is a game changer, soft butter.
And you get to a restaurant and they got hot bread and then they gave you ice cold butter.
You're like, look, and you rip your bread or if it's soft, you're like, hey, can you bring three more loaves of bread out, easily dispensable snacks.
That's a good one. OK. Aloe vera, ice cube, ice cubes are making a real but what else can we freeze? I know. What if we could freeze calm? But you can, but what would you do that for? So you could throw it at people who come by, just throw ice cubes. Yeah, but it's frozen covered.
So I got you twice these tabs.
OK, can I tell you the one that Jay Larson and Ryan Sechler used to always fight over who created it?
What was taking the coat hanger out of the closet in a hotel room and coat, hanging your blinds shut, taking the little pressors for your. And I remember hearing them on two on grab fist fighting over who came up with that.
First, I was obsessed with every way of closing the blinds. What I used to do, the best thing that I found would be when you go to a hotel, a lot of times there's the there's the pillows you sleep with and then there's the decorative pillows. Yeah. So I would pile up the decorative pillows to use as like a support on the blinds.
So the blinds are apart, so the blinds pull them together and you start laying the shit pillows on top and they just lay on, on the blinds so they don't separate. Yeah. I used to push furniture. I them. The best one though was when I was staying one time in a hotel in Canada and I go, yeah, you know, I need something I can like. Can you, can you send tape up to close the blinds.
Because I need it blackout to sleep. And the guy goes yeah we send up the engineer so the engineers like. So explain to me again, I go to Brighton here man.
I need it totally dark and these are not closing. So he brings out a staple gun. He goes, I'll just staple it.
I go, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Like, isn't that going to come on me?
That like, it's going to look like I stapled the blood. Yeah.
And he goes, No, no, it's fine. And I go, it's not going to ruin the blinds. And he goes, it's fine. And he goes and just stapled them shut and left.
And I was like, OK, do for Road Hack's if we're talking down the road because I've been gone on the road like this a long time, I used to bring an extension cord with a power strip so that you could plug in to the wall and then take everything over your bed and have all your shit on the side of the bed. That's a good that was a big one. I used to bring Duqu. I still bring duct tape with me everywhere.
Duct tape, duct tape would come in so handy and that in carabiners. Can I tell you the best life hacker in the world? That and what carabiner carabiners with Casey Neistat was is is a vlogger, but he used to do a daily vlog and once in his life hacks for traveling were like like even just organizational.
Like he organized his his office in a way that was so fucking sexy that you were like, I like what travel packing secrets. He had so many life hacks that I was like obsessed with you.
No one gives me a lot of anxiety.
What that I fucking it bothers me so much that I do this and I don't feel well until I deal with it. But I keep putting it off is I hate when my nightstand, my my bathroom area and my desk just get overrun with shit.
Oh. And like, I feel so much better whenever I organize and clean it, but I always put it, put it off. It's like right now if you go to my mirror in my bathroom, there's just too much stuff there and I fucking hate it and I don't feel well I don't feel like satisfied until it's cleaned up but I keep extending it.
Oh my, my side table has been so bad and now all we have in there is just cataracts. It's just things to wipe come with really. Yeah. That's what we, that's where we grab one of those little hankies. Yeah I do a lot of hankies. Yeah. I love hankies. I'd rather blow my nose and a hanky.
I saw this ticktock and I was like, oh I bet Burt would jerk off to this too. What is it. Go ahead and let's play it on your mom for twenty bucks.
You know, they're really sweaty. That's it. That guy just bought her socks for 20 bucks. By the way, that. It's the little things, right? Right, the little things you like, play it again. Play it again. There's something 20 bucks.
They're really Suadi. Just on the side of the road, oh, man, that's so smart. Yeah, and you're like, I'm going to pull over today. Oh, my God, it's fucking I mean, that's like the dials into, like a weird I used to tell you one of my analogies of of a one night stand was.
A waitress who's been on her feet too long and she's got smelly feet, but they're not like gross and she's got thumbs that compact bowls with yeah, there's a there's a type of her the server, like the there's a sexiness in like in like a woman paying her way through life and being on her feet and being able to pack her own bulls eye is so hot when a woman smokes tiepin chicks smoking bongs that I used to. That was like the biggest thing on what not to talk about.
I dated a stoner once, like a stoner chick, dude. And I know exactly what you mean, women smoking weed, I it's so hot when a girl can take a big bong rip. Yeah.
And just goes like. Just play the wanted to play all hit play. See this, you look at these two fucking yeah. They have heavy implants. They're super cute. There's other adorable, yeah. I mean, they're just. Yeah, but there's something cool about like when you see, like Doug Benson do it, it's not sexy or when Joey. No, I didn't think I like I wouldn't like to replace them with Doug and Joey, if that's what you're asking.
Yeah, and here's the thing. These are low stress checks to be around, very low stress. So it's like you're like, whoa, watch something funny.
Then again, you're like, so what is it about me liking these girls or strippers or prostitutes?
Sure. What's wrong with that? Or or or porn stars? Like, I have an affinity for them. Right. Like I like I connect with porn porn stars in a weird, weird kind of like work way where I go. Yeah, I feel like that too. I feel like a porn star sometimes. Yeah.
Like there's always been that kind of kinship and she's like spoken to join.
These girls are awesome. Can we follow them on Instagram. I'm sure we can. What is what is it. The Hemp Princess. Yeah. Which one's the Hamptons, the Princess and Implant's? Yeah, there you go. The hemp princess and underscore Pele, A.C., this is her. Probably. No, a person's African-American. OK. There's a lot of princesses. I bet there are, but, you know, we could find we could go back to that account, follow back, follow back.
She follows me. There you go. Kidding. I'm kidding. All right. Now I got to piss. Should we wrap this up? We should. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm looking for original ideas. Original idea.
Send your emails. And then also next episode, we'll announce the the more details and the and the link for our New Year's Eve live show. But I know that it's coming it's going to be looking for New Year's plans. I hope you make it with us. I can't wait.
Happy New Year to everyone. It's going to be a fucking blast and be fun. All right. Great episode, man. I love you, too.
But Tom and one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in Burt snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we. Because there's. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur photography, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what I call so there's one case.