Miss the live show, you can still watch it go to Livestream about why it may studios' dotcom and watch the show now, Bert Krischer, Warren Sapp and me, lots of laughs. Check it out. So let's let's be very clear.
Let's do it. It started at six in the morning. So was a morning most people I took a shot of whiskey at 6:00 in the morning. Why celebrate my power 200 percent?
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Not all Persians are terrorists, but hey guys, welcome to another person's Iranians.
Yeah. Are they really? Yeah.
With the most Perusia like I'm getting modern day Iran is Persia. I had a weird thought the other day. You did when they say ancient Rome. Are they talking about the city or. That city was the capital of the world at one point.
You've been around, yeah, a bunch a bunch of I five times really wait all for travel trailer before then to, uh, twice.
Three times. Three times without Travel Channel, and I guess I've been more than five. I've got a bunch window. Why did you go to Rome so many times? Rome was the first place I ever had a panic attack, like a full blown panic attack. Oh, you went there for that? I went there for that. No, I got when the first time I went to Rome, I had a panic attack because I never been in a subway system.
I was probably twenty five, 20 to 22 years old. And it flipped me the fuck out. And I shut down.
And then and then I went, that city is chaos and fucking chaos.
Rome, like the difference between Rome and Paris, is quite notable.
You know, I got Paris was like a big the first time I went there, really. I was like, you know what I think it was? I think we were in the suburbs. And you're just like, so this just like any fucking city, maybe.
I just feel like Paris. I mean, I'm not well versed in either city, but I felt like Paris was easier to navigate and. Yeah, you know, like the transportation system seemed like for a foreigner, easier to get around. Like, I didn't I wasn't in Rome. Oh, my God. It was it was madness. Yeah.
Rome. I flipped out. I shut down. I mean, twice it got so bad that another time I mean I can't even tell you how many times I've been to Rome. Now that I think about it. One time I went to Rome and had to draw me a bath. And I had to open a bottle of wine close, so fucking freaked out she was there with you. She I had a full blown panic attack, the second fucking Roman.
And then the last time I went to Rome. I don't think you should go to Rome again.
No, I take this back not to, you know, so funny. I'm planning a fucking trip with the girls in Europe and in Rome. I know I'm going Rome now. I love Rome doesn't. So, like I don't know how many times I've been in Rome. And then I hear the first minute, the first time I went to Rome.
You don't know how many times you've been to Rome with Lian, I think once.
Would that confuse you?
Because I you know, I got to be honest with him in Europe, kind of blends in like all of Italy blends into. If you say, OK, ready, if you say describe Paris, I go, oh, black dude, making out with a chick in the metro fingering her. Like, that's how that's that's my memory of her. And then the guy talking slick as shit because he had like a Parisian accent. Yeah. And he was like like he was making out with a chick Freeman and I'm staring.
I'm like twenty two years old. I'm watching. And I'm like, he is fingering her on the metro. That's funny. And I expected him to be like, yo, what up kid? You know, he was like my mother.
Mboya, the you know, I'm certain that offended somebody.
But what if what probably every black Peregian alive. Yeah. What if whatever.
You know, your. Well, there's a guy watching this and he goes, that's exactly what I like, but so I watched the whatever I did that maybe I went to Rome twice and maybe, I don't know. But one time I walked the whole city, I didn't get in the subways and I walked the old city of Rome, of Rome. I walked it and it was a fucking blast. And I was like, oh, this is what you got to do.
Don't get into these fucking subways. The Roman subways are a nightmare.
I fucking met these two hot as fuck chicks in Rome and we hung out. All the I like I and I was just like I had a hard on the whole day and I thought we were going to fuck on a train.
I just remembered where I got pictures of them. I'll show you. Oh, yeah, I.
Interesting little side story I. I met a girl in Europe that I just figured I was going to marry and we stayed in touch for like fucking 20 years, really, like, yeah, it was really she's just a good friend of mine.
Now, you have a lot of these people around.
This is like last week you were just like, oh, yeah, this girl I dated and she's one of my best friends and LeAnn struggles with it.
Erica, we know this girl we met and it's like we just connected. But I had a boyfriend, a girlfriend, you know, boyfriend or girlfriend.
Uh, you got you got you really stumbled there before I went.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. You did everything now because I just saw this porn star tweeted. This star, yeah, tweeted a picture of her dude, she has a strap on, she's like, what's his name, Lexi Ryan or whatever came over, and I fucked him in the ass and he fucked me in the ass. That's what friends are for. And someone wrote is that he married. But stop laughing because I was like, oh, no big kiss.
And yet she knows it's not a slip up. Yeah. I mean, you know, I'm married right now.
My wife is going to get super pissed that we love each other, that I.
In line, looking at bit. Oh, oh, oh. Have you been pegged?
No, I don't think I'd like it because, you know, I wish I could find the girl in this guy. I wish I could find them on Twitter so you could see how big this deal.
Yeah. You know, it's like I wonder if if you were like texted a friend, you know, like there was a porn star and she's like, what are you doing? You're like, I hang out with my wife. And she was like, can you dip away from her? I want to fuck you in the ass dildo and hit me like, hang on. Let me check, honey. Is it cool? And then is it cool?
I think one of my first questions would be how big is it?
Because it was a solid piece, like it was a big strap on. Yeah.
And I saw the, um, the peg lady for a girl. I did Nikki Glaser show like she had at Comedy Central Sex Show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We went to a pegeen class. There's like a segment of it on YouTube really. Unpegging class. Yeah. So there's like a lady who's like I'm the peg master named Peg.
I don't think so. She said legally she's your fucking man. She was like a big check too.
She's like six one and like, you know, like broad. And she was like, and I like to fucking be young and dumb and are like, oh my God.
And I was like, you know, she was bringing in all the sizes. And I was like, oh, I've never had it, you know, trying to, like, contribute to the thing. And it's like, where should I start? You want to start small.
You don't want to start with this big stuff like that. Yeah. And she was like, like, what do you have? Because you want one of these. And it was like the size of chapstick.
She's like, that'll get you going, loosen up a little bit, then you graduate this other stuff. She goes yeah, she's like her favorite thing to do. So she teaches couples how to do it. What.
I mean, you know, you can you Google small strap ons, because I maybe if maybe if you had, like, a tiny dude, do you remember?
There you go, there you go. Yeah, oh, yeah, give me the oh yeah, that's exactly what she said to start with. Oh actually that's doable. No chick that looks like that, where's that fucking thing, that body does not wear the fuck no on no. What do you think is a chick with, like, my body that wears a strap on the ass, looks like it looks like me.
Oh, wait, uh, how.
How. What do you think your wife would say if you just if you gave that as a gift for like an anniversary, she would laugh.
But then if I was like, no, I really wish she'd be like four. That's a funny anniversary gift. And then she would be like, I mean, and then it would be if I was like, you know, I really need this. Like, I wonder.
I bet there's been times I've been so turned on that I would let them fuck me in the ass just to fuck her. Sure. I'm sure you would. I guarantee you there are probably more times than I'm comfortable sharing that. I'd be like, OK, just get it over with. And then I'd be like, I'm kind of into it. Yeah, yeah.
God, wait. So you but you have had anal. Yes. Regularly like. No, no this was a one one and done. How was it not. I thought it was OK. You thought it was OK. I thought it was cool. If you do any prep. No enema. No.
Did you have turtle over your cock. This is. Yeah this is yeah.
This is getting to a really uncomfortable OK start from the beginning. I think I got sick too. Get sick. I don't know. It was, it was not. It was.
And then abruptly I had chocolate on my finger one time you know.
Oh for finger blasting a girl I finger the girls asshole one time and was playing with the turd. Didn't know what it was. I'm like, what is this? And then I'm like, oh that's a shit.
Oh God. That seems like such a move you would do. And let's get to the question everyone wants to know.
Did you smell your finger? I'm sure I did.
I can't imagine any scenario where I wouldn't go, oh, wait, what's under my mail? Oh, God, man.
There's so much. There's so much. There's so much. I didn't know about the woman's body when I first started having sex.
She is turd's in her ass. Yeah, that wasn't alluded to. So wait, did you finish in her butthole.
Yeah, and I mean, that must be nice. I thought it was pretty enjoyable. She was not that into it. She, like you could tell, she was like.
So it was your idea to do it? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Whatever it is there are there women there? Yes. Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I remember we have not, I probably not like I don't think there's a you don't find a lot of like 19 year old girls who are like, I love getting my ass down, but I think like as you know in their thirties and stuff you probably find it.
Is there women that like anal sex?
Of course. Real. Yeah. Well, we're going to get some messages. Yes, Burt, I do love it up the ass.
I can't imagine LeAnn is not that girl. Oh, yeah. She would never fucking ever do it. And I said to her, I was like, here's the deal. I'm cool, never doing it. But I have to know that you've never done it, because if you've done it now, I have to do it to you. Right. Because I got to be the guy that takes you to your lowest place.
They put Everest on there and I got into the fucking hardest giggling fit. But I don't want to derail this anal sex conversation.
Now, Cristina would never do it either. Yeah. And here's the thing. I'm OK. It would only be rough for me, I think, if I was like, that's what I that's my dream or that's what I need, then you're in a tough spot. But I don't since I don't like, fantasize about it or anything, I don't care.
And Leah knows how fast I can have sex. I know you can. Oh my God.
How fast can you have sex. I mean, I mean this is when you call the expert I she'll she'll tell you I've done it. I want to say seconds. Is that any in there? Yeah, I think he's I think he's laughing at the fact that you're bragging about it. There's nothing I can like. There's nothing I can do about it. I, I in the end, can almost I she was like she was like, hello.
Hey, are you by yourself. I am in the house with Sean. All right, I'll call you later. Are you OK? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I we're talking about sex. Oh, on to let's talk about that in front of our contractor. We were talking about what's the fastest I've ever I've ever had sex.
Oh, remember, it was like one minute and. Seven seconds or something like that. Champion. All right. It was record breaking. Yeah, awesome. All right. I'll talk to you later. I love you.
I don't want to brag, but I think I got your beat.
You do it by the first time I had sex. Yeah, it was one pump pull out.
And I remember I remember doing that in high school where and I was like, sorry, that was only like and I said, no, I was like, sorry. I was almost like I said, like three minutes or something like that. She was like, that was not three minutes. I was like, what do you mean? She was like that was like three seconds.
How can you find a porn? Can you find a porn. Whether I want to see one pump jumps like porn stars. Like if I if I had sex with a porn star, I would have I would have an orgasm in seconds in like logit first time in two pump chumped epic male. Oh, yeah, premature ejaculation, oh, yeah, here, 12 year old, no kidding. Do they have. I remember one time on stage, just do a Google, do a search in their search thing there for like, come fast.
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I've been watching a lot of porn lately, I've seen porn online. Yeah, me neither. I don't know why.
I think it's because I'm quarantine and I'm it's just not it's not it's not like the road, you know, like when you're on. I got to I got to the point where I was and I would bring it up to people in Leeann.
Leeann would be like, I think you're what you're used to.
You break it up into random people like Stagehand's at theaters and they're like, oh good.
Yeah, no, I haven't seen that scene. You're like, oh, just shrug it off.
But I was wondering, have you seen so comfortable or bring it up to be like, no, it wasn't part of the way you do.
It's true, it's true.
On the road to you you're just like the worst is when you you get so fucking your brain gets so used to road life that like the fucking you know, one of the stage guys is like, hey, so for this backup mic and you're sitting there on the side of the stage and you're like watching a porn and the guy's like, you got to meet and you're like, oh, sorry, my bad man.
I remember, I remember. I was watching I was watching a porn in in the living room with my wife and daughters.
I was watching a porn on my phone and I just didn't even tell me exactly what it was.
I remember telling someone I was watching a porn, talking to my aunt, and it occurred to me because she was like, you, you sound distracted. And I was like I was like, oh, yeah, I'm watching porn right now.
I was like, I remember when I first. See, we came we came from a generation where, like, pornography was hard to find, and all the sudden it blossomed. Yeah, and I remember being like. I remember the first perverted porn I ever watched, like the first time I went out of, like, what I thought were the Christian norms where you were like like porn for me, growing up was like a naked lady. That was it.
Yeah. And then you'd see a guy fucking a girl would be like, OK, and then then you're like anal sex. All right, that's fine. That's fine too, guys. And a growing you're like, OK. And then you and then I remember one time everyone was like, oh, we saw this porn with his dog, fuck this girl.
And and they're like, what's his name got hard. And then I was like, I didn't see that like in my head.
Right. Yeah. And then I moved to L.A., I was in New York, I moved to L.A., I was at the Universal Sheraton and I got.
I got a porn site, I got into a porn site, somehow I maybe I gave it a credit card, I was just desperate. And the first one that I saw that I was like, hold on, was pregnancy porn? Yeah. Like, I was like, I don't think I should look at this. I remember thinking that now I've seen so many fucking pregnant people fuck like. And I was like, I don't think I should do this.
This is bad. Is this child molestation like is this perverted? Yeah. And then I was like, alright, check it out. And I checked it out and I was like, oh fuck. And then I got off of it but I was like, oh. And then when I fucked Liano I was like, OK, I'm going back to that. Gleanings got pregnant. I was like, oh, I kind of sexy.
I remember we would watch the Spice Channel and like one time I think the dad ordered it. So I was at my neighbor's house as a kid.
So we would watch either that or he's trying to molest you guys. Yeah, well, I was like, take your shirt. Well, we would watch it.
We would watch it scrambled and you would see the frame for like a second. And that was and I'm talking about like ten, eleven years old. So you seeing a frame or two pass through. But then one time, I guess the dad had ordered it. So it stayed on the feed for a while and we lost our minds. But even that wasn't like hard like what you see now on you, porn or whatever, you know.
So fast forward like a few years.
I think I've seen porn because I've seen those, like, spicy ones, which was basically like a little step above, like the Cinemax softcore. But it wasn't like the hardcore stuff, you see. So I'm in Peru visiting my family and my cousins are like my age and then a couple of years older than me. So like, I'm 13. There's one who's 14. One is 16. Right.
And my cousin's like, who's who's your mom's? Yeah. This is this is actually. Yeah, it's her family. So there's three guy cousins that are like around we're all around the same age. So I'm at their place and they're like when I'm goes, I've got something you've never seen before. And I go, what. He was like porn. And I go, I've seen porn. He goes, not like this. And I was like, I think I have.
And he put it on it. What it was was just. Hard core porn, but he was right, I hadn't seen, like, penetration and like, yeah, yeah, yeah, ejaculator.
I was like, he's like, we'll leave you with the tape for a few days. I was like, sounds good to me. And then I masturbated so much I got sick.
I got a fever like I was sick. It was terrible. Yeah. You got a fever.
I got a fever I think masturbated like eight times the day I got dehydrator orgasm.
And then I remember seeing the craziest like. So after that I thought so hardcore stuff is like a blowjob, a guy going down and then the different positions you like. Yeah. I remember watching a porn and like seeing a blowjob and then this guy squatted over the girl's face and put his ass in her mouth and she just obliged. And I was like. I was like, that's where he shits, he's putting his ass. Yeah, yeah, and I couldn't believe I said there, just like what?
Oh, and I almost like I wanted to call the police and, like, help her.
I was like, you can't you can't do that.
You're putting your asshole in her face. I couldn't believe it, man. I could not believe it.
I remember telling the I remember telling someone that I can't fly off the road. I was buzzed. I land. We go to dinner at someone's house and I just go as I got there, like I was the road I go, I had a crazy experience, I was watching a porn and I came at the same time the guy came. And Liane's goes, we don't know these people, this guy's face like this is like you tell somebody, Oh, are you okay?
I came in, the guy came and the guy was like this.
And I was like, I mean, I wanted a high five them or something. And you couldn't even look at me.
And the guy's just like, oh, oh, oh, wait. I just I a real quick point out, if you missed the livestream yesterday. Oh yeah. But we had such a good time. It was a blast.
We're recording this before it, but we have so fun. But we're really excited about having having done it.
It's and you can still watch it live streamed that. Why am I studios'. Dotcom. It's up for a week there. Yeah.
Warren Sapp was here and we hope we hope no one got covid and we had to cancel it. Yeah. There's only a few days until the thing we you probably know better than us. How was it. Did you like it. Did you like our. Hey, we want to thank our Super Bowl commercial actors. Yes. Jordan and Khloe. Oh yeah. They were great. Chloe's dad and my dad went to high school. And the weirdest thing in college together.
How crazy is that? It's funny how the conversation evolved because you're just like, oh, like, where are you guys from? You know? And she's feeling like, oh, really?
But it's it's interesting. It was almost like when I buy a hat because whenever I buy had I have a size eight head, I always go, hey, what size do you have? The guy goes, everything. I go, you don't have everything. I know that because I've done this a lot. I am walking around with this ad for a while and I go, OK, how about that one? He looks and goes, Now we don't have a name.
I was like, I know, how about that one? And he goes, No, I don't have that either. I go, how about this? Let's start all over. What sizes do you have? And he goes, hold on. And then he's like, whatever city it's in, like it's in, it's in Cincinnati. He's like, Oh, we have a red hat in the. And I was like, then I'll take that.
Right. And so. She said, I said, where are you from, Philly, and I went a really nice because all a suburban Philly and I was like my cousins from my my cousin is from a suburb in Philly. Yeah. She's like, oh, it's called Bryn Mawr. And I went my sister was born and bred. My husband I said my nana grew up, my mom grew up across River Valley Forge Military Academy. And then she's like, wait, really?
I said, yeah, my dad went to my parents because my dad went to Melbourne and I said, my dad went to Villanova because my dad went to Villanova. I said, I wonder if they know each other, because no matter how old you guys, you know. Seventy three of my dad's seventy three. He goes, hold on. So I call her that. My dad and I go, Dad, did you know a guy named something.
Yeah. And he goes, Dr Tony.
Yeah. She goes he knows my dad. It was so fucking crazy. I love.
And then I got obsessed like I all of a sudden I get obsessed with something and I start going. How crazy is it that our dads, when someone could just grab them and go, it just, you know, one day your kids will be acting in a really short together? It's just so bizarre.
Like if I keep thinking to myself, I remember watching Warren Sapp go out onto the field at Florida State Field, Doug Campbell, and grabbed her with his hand. And just like this is like grab the Indian face. Yeah. And grab the turf and look at the biggest fight broke out. If you had way between Florida, say, Miami, I don't believe you.
Oh, it was so fucking.
That was where that the days when you see if you ever see if there's a video of Warren Sapp ripping out the turf. I'm sure I'm sure I brought this up on this weekend's podcast. Mm hmm. Oh, yes. No, not never mind, never mind, it's going to be too hard to find, so I know what you mean.
But if you told me I keep I get obsessed with this going back to time and someone stopping me and going a 20 year old, Bert. That guy and you were going to do a show together. I'm like, what are we talking about, Mike? Do I become a pro athlete? He's like, Oh, no, I got obsessed with that shit. Yeah.
I mean, you were in a stadium watching him play ball in college and. Yeah. Now you did a. I have a phone number. Yeah, I'm a snoop I kept I was a weird thing about getting high around Snoop was you start going, I listen to you so much, so much like some I I words you came up with and linked together. I would sing all the time. Yeah. You made songs. I'd sing all the fucking time.
Some of those words I can't even sing back to you.
The majority of them the but I get I get obsessed with it like. I don't know, whatever whatever I, I that I keep going back to thinking of, I did the reminded me that I remember listening to Doggystyle and it's like 1993, I think. And I mean, I'm a young teenage boy and that that that album is so like X rated O and the interstitials are like, yeah, bitch. And I was like, this is how you should talk to people, you know.
Can you believe. I loved it.
Can you believe there's there's white people that say they've never sung the N-word, but can you believe that there's like it's a lie?
I think it's just a lie. Like, I don't think there's any. I can't imagine a world that like someone gave you NWA album. Yeah. And you said, oh, what is this?
And there are people that claim they went, I actually can't tell you, oh, what NWA stands for. And you're like, why not? I was good knowing you. I hope you enjoyed the album and just walk away. That's the world they say they lived in. Yeah. Yeah. As opposed to just a fucking which what does it stand for.
I forget I got two hats from the mother like you speak to baseball leagues.
Yeah. So the Major League Baseball and then an alternative one I can remember they owe the Negro League.
Yeah, I bought two hats. I think you're allowed to like refer to like a historical league. I, I bought two hats from from there I was going to wear from the Negro League.
OK, it feels that I've just been watching the Ken Burns documentary. I was like, he has no problem. They have no problem saying it throughout the entire world. It's a loan. It's what it's called. It was full of Negroes. I know you're talking about.
Yeah. Oh, my bad. Go ahead.
So I you know, I had that word in my speech. You do? I did it. And right before someone was like, I don't think that's going to age. Well, the way you're saying it. And I was because.
Well, how did you say it where you like on the flight here. So many Negroes.
Oh what do you say? They explain it? You can explain it, boy. That's right. But my point is my point is. Yeah, I bought two hats, OK? I bought two hats.
And by the way, fucking if you want to talk about separate but equal the fucking hats they gave you the like I don't know the right way to say this, but clearly the uniforms weren't up to par with what Major League uniforms were.
And so the bills are floppy, like like they're really they're expensive hats that I bought. But you wouldn't wear them because you look like you're wearing a hat that's kind of like crappy. Look, I don't know why they didn't just put it, but they're authentic. So authentic hats at the time didn't have a bill.
It's almost as if at the time the black players were getting like second class fabrics and equipment. It's hard to believe.
Yeah, but then they sold those to a white guy in 2020. Yeah, one. No, I go to Ebbetts Ebbetts.
It's a really cool Ebbets Field hat. Yeah. So. But like you said, it's supposed to be an authentic it's an authentic heart, but it's like I can't wear it because now I look like I look like a schoolboy. Like, I don't. It doesn't. I almost brought them to show you, OK, but I got them.
And I said to Lee-Anne, I was like, what do you think of these hats? I mean, she was like, oh, it doesn't look good. And I went through she goes, Yeah, they're too small. They look like little schoolboy hats. Yeah.
And I said, they're from the Negro base because. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't say that my daughter's lit up. And then I was like, for real. And so I was like, oh, great. I guess I'll just put these hats in the closet and never talk about them. And I was like, that's fucking ridiculous.
I'm obsessed. What do you suppose how you supposed to describe the like, say, the league, though? That is how you say it. That is definitely how you say it. That's what it was called. Yeah, that's what it's written on. Ebbetts, if you go to Ebbetts, that's what they call it. Yeah. I'm obsessed with Satchel Paige and Buck O'Neil. Buck O'Neil. Best I get a man. I've been watching this. Buck O'Neil had this energy about him when he talked about baseball.
You just tell stories.
Oh, he had the best fucking I. I wish I could find this quote. He said, I heard. I heard a sound three times when Babe Ruth hit a home run, Josh Gibson hit a home run and one more person. I've only heard that sound from three people. See if you can type in. Buck O'Neil heard the sound three times. Some heard sound three times.
It was such a great quote, but it was like. The way he. Yeah, what do you say, Babe Ruth, Josh Gibson, Bo Jackson, Bo Jackson, that's it. Yeah, he said, I wonder if I would have been for oh someone says I wonder if it been for if he had lived to see Bryce Harper. But I remember I remember hearing. That sound with Bo Jackson. I do Bo Jackson. Bo Jackson, maybe the greatest athlete.
The greatest specimen that's ever lived could be easily you have a strong there's a strong case for it. I mean, never lifted weights either.
They said you guys you guys are too young for Bo Jackson, right? Yeah, I am for sure. What about you? I don't know. Yeah, well, did you just say I don't know who he is? You got to watch.
Oh, you got to watch him. You got to watch the 30 for 30 year type and type in real quick. Bo Jackson highlight reel dude. Bo Jackson broke a bat over his. Oh yeah. This look at his thighs. Look at his fucking thighs. Let's just make sure that's muted. That's not him, as you said, that's not him. Ad me. See this? Yeah. Yeah, we're going to muted, though, muted, I don't care, I just it's so great.
Oh, yes, I don't look at this. He broke a bat over his head.
Dude, he is. Oh, look. Look at this guy, I mean. He's so fat, but he beat out a groundball to first baseman, this everyone's on their feet because they never there's no athlete like this in baseball, Bo Jackson.
And this was his second sport, you know, I mean. Do you remember when he took down what who's a Seahawk, right, not Ryan, Bryan Bosworth and Bosworth?
Of course, I remember that the the one play that he had when he when he ran up and over the wall. Yeah. Bo Jackson was next level. You got to watch the 30 for 30 if you haven't seen it.
It's really he's a hundred now. Right. He loves hunting. And, you know, he's out. He's an outdoorsman who's been here, Bo Jackson or Deon Sanders. Well, I've heard the the. You know, that brought up before, yeah, I mean, they're they're both ridiculous athletes, man. I mean, they're different.
They're different types, though, because Bo ended up being like 225 and according to everybody then was running a sub for three forty. So, you know, somebody that big and strong carrying the ball like in football that I mean, he nobody could catch him, no one could catch him.
And he's 225 pounds.
And then with Deon, you have like track star three star speed.
And and and he also would shut down.
I mean, you know, there was there were games that were like they didn't throw to like, whoever he's covering just don't even throw over there.
I wonder, Deon is Deon's probably all around. OK, let's break this down then, because LeBron. When we talk about athletic specimens, yeah. Bo Jackson, LeBron, that. LeBron, probably. I bet LeBron could play every sport, I bet I mean, I bet he he you know, they talk about how good he was at football and he stopped playing his sophomore year in high school. And then, you know, you go like imagine if he was like a tight end or a defensive end or something.
He's six, eight to fifty. And he has, like, no body fat and he has a 40 plus inch vertical. I mean, it stinks that we take our athletes and we put them only into one field. Yeah. Like we should put them.
I would love I would love to see Randy Moss versus versus Deon Sanders in a basketball game or like just he was he was really good at basketball battle.
The network stars like the big kind of like take all these X athletes and just.
Have you seen that Randy's high school basketball highlights? Did he play with Jason Williams?
And I remember do you remember the commercial they had? Yeah, they had a commercial.
Some good old boys. Yeah. Yeah. All this country is shit. Randy Moss. Randy Moss is really country. Yeah, I remember that. I remember I think I told you when I was in high school in Florida, Vince Carter was in high school in Daytona Beach before he transferred to Carolina. So that one of that they're like OK or something.
So they had his in Daytona. So on the local news at night, you know, I'm in high school, they're showing they're like local, uh, you know, basketball star Vince Carter at Daytona. And they would show his high school highlights.
You're like, oh, my God.
Like he was doing shit off the backboard, reverse windmill shit. And he's like, fifteen years old.
God, like, yeah. All those guys you're listing are other level specimens, man, I, I blows me away, blows me away.
That especially that this is where injustice lies, that Poljac breaks his hip never is the same.
And also the details of how that injury happened. It's the most fascinating one. What is it.
So he's playing against I think Cincinnati. He's a raider and he's getting tackled like from behind and he's so powerful and so strong that the force with which he pulls his leg up is what injures his hip.
So he is like a horse that is so strong when he pulls that the injury is from his own strength.
It's not that somebody hit him or he fell wrong. It's like I tore my own shit out of its socket. I mean, basically, the injury would be impossible for a ninety nine point ninety nine nine nine percent of the population.
I think I got the best childhood in the world because all my heroes got enough air time to turn them into ultimate heroes, but not enough where they destroyed them, you know what I mean? Yeah, like we didn't get enough of we didn't get any of Bo Jackson's politics. And I don't know what they are, but I'm certain they're probably fuckin a little out there.
I'm sure he has some ideas that are not perfect. Bo Jackson, I mean, he hunts like automatically. You're like you're like, OK, but I'm Bo Jackson's politics.
Yeah. And they've been Bo Jackson Pollock, OK? Uh. Looks like he endorsed Doug Jones, who Doug Jones, he's the guy that was running against that senator in Alabama who had the accusations of, like grooming young ladies. So. Let's see what Bo said about this, this will tell you where he stands. Can you find the part there's Bo. Happy on your win. Yeah, so he's more live than you thought. I thought he would be one of those, like sneaky conservatives.
Yeah, we like well there's nothing wrong with but like sometimes with guys like that, you're like, oh, just because he hunts and stuff.
Yeah. Yeah, because you hunt.
But like Deon Sanders, they gave him enough like enough room to kind of be prime time. Oh man. I remember when that was on Sports Illustrated, like I got the best.
You got a beer about like seltzer. Yeah.
Yeah, you want one, you do it well because you're the guy or no know, is there KORONA in that you mean covid?
That's my bad. It's Bud Light seltzer. Was a really good. That's really good. Which one is it? Lemonade, lemonade. I suppose I must have killed these a lot of these. I think he did.
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I'm going to enjoy one right now. Do it. I just find it I find it very lucky that I got to experience a life when celebrities were celebrities, Tom Selleck was Tom Selleck, you know, as opposed to Tom Selleck, the NRA fight, you know, like. Oh, right. Where we didn't really know much about them. And then, like where you know what the other thing is about social media. There's a good thing about the technology today.
And then there's the bad thing. The bad thing is that when we were younger, I feel like because of the lack of tech, there was a little more mystery to your celebrity.
Can't you? We just know everything about everybody. People know everything about me because I put it all out there. Yeah. Like people know intimate details about my life. Oh, yeah. And I feel like sometimes that was a maybe a misstep, really. But but but, you know, my it's I think that's where people get caught. You ready for this theory, huh? Sometimes you brand yourself one thing and you tell everyone, this is who I am.
I am. Ultimate liberal, male feminist, you know, across the board, and then when you do some shit that is in on brand with you, that's when they call you out. So in my head, I was like, well, if I put all my shit out there, everyone knows everything about me. I'm not I'm not really hiding anything. I tell way too much about myself. Like I'm an open book to the point where I think I've said things on this podcast.
I've been said to my wife. And then.
And then. And then you go, well, at least I'll always be on Brand. You know, it's like it's like not lying about how much I drink because I did that because I didn't want to. Once you lie about what you're doing, then everyone catches you in it and then they start going, oh, sweet. Like I've seen videos, I've seen take down videos of people who pretend they don't use drugs and then they clearly they use drugs and then everyone's like, the fuck is wrong with this guy?
He's a liar. Know, like, oh, I may tell some tall tales, but at least I'm pretty honest with who the fuck I am, you know. Yeah. So I think that. That's the catchy thing, like, I know, I know this is not. Probably a great time to have a take on this, like the Marilyn Manson stuff. Yes, so I don't know this all I saw was that he was accused of what, mistreating his ex and then his label, he just got dropped.
Evan Rachel Wood accuses Manson of abuse. He started grooming me when I was a teenager and horrifically abused me for years.
Jesus, what did he do to her? I don't know.
I don't know the story at all. Also known to the world as Marilyn Manson, he started grooming when I was 10 or horrifically abused me. I was brainwashed and manipulated into submission. I'm done living in fear. She's only thirty three. Retaliation, slander or blackmail. I'm here to express this dangerous man and call out the many industries that have enabled him before he ruins any more lives. I stand with the many victims who will no longer be silent.
Jesus Christ is only thirty eight. No way. No, he's got to be in his 50s. Yeah she's thirty three. Yeah.
So he was thirty and she was nineteen. You got it. I see. So that means that he is now 52. Yeah, I have a hard time with dating age difference that much like that difference. Yeah.
Well, you start seeing like thirty eight, 19. Yes. That's like a 20 year gap. It's a lot.
And by the way, that is first of all, all the shit's inherent to that type of relationship.
Whoa. What she said that she felt terrified for her life, that he broke her down through starvation, sleep deprivation and by threatening to kill her in one instance, he forced to kneel in their bedroom, tied up her hands and feet, beat her and shocked sensitive parts of her body with a device called a violent one. We've used that. When she tried to leave him, he would call her house incessantly. Jesus, man.
Uh. I have fantasies every day about smashing her skull with a sledgehammer. That's not weird, though.
That's like I love somebody, you know, I love somebody you want to keep them. And that's two thousand nine why social media is out there. But he's doing an interview with Spin magazine. I'm sure that's branding a little bit as he's like, I'm a wild, crazy guy. Oh, yeah.
He said, you know, wild shit. But that's. I just look at this. And of. I completely see what you bring up, so I don't remember who this is when you bring up who is Evan Rachel Wood? I don't know. Can't place her. Oh, she's in Westworld, yeah, yeah, but we had images. Mr. kind of like I don't know why I'm. Oh, OK. Fuck, man. Yeah, I mean, it seems like a horrible guy.
Yeah, I mean, once you did. Yeah. You know, whatever we were drinking, where did you meet him? The store, he was there. Yeah, was there. We were backstage to meet him and stand up his friends to stand up. He parties, he definitely parties, but, you know, I don't know, I. I want to I think the thing here is like, how do you teach people to kill? Because I've been in bad relationships, abusive relationships.
You were hitting someone. No, no. With no, no, no, no. With even with friendships. Oh, no, no, no.
I know I've been I have been this guy a lot. No, no, no.
I've been in bad relationships where someone takes advantage of you and manipulates you and does fucked up things to your head where you believe the goal is. How do you teach people? How do you teach anyone?
How do you raise daughters and go? Listen. Don't let this happen to you. Yeah, that's a real complicated, I think, question. Yeah, because because it it's happening to me not as bad as what she's had. Well, this I've had bad relationships where I keep coming back to them and going, like, maybe it'll be better this time. Maybe I can figure this out. I don't know.
I mean, I feel like that has a lot to do with like I think I searched them out for a period of time. That's natural. That's normal. I mean, she's really young when she starts. She's 19. And when you're 19 men and someone's 20 years older than you, they have Jedi shit on you.
You know, particularly like a man 20 years older than than the woman he's seeing.
It's like it's not that's where that's part of the discomfort you feel because you know that they're they're just so much more, you know, mature and sophisticated and they can manipulate people.
Yeah. Yeah, you couldn't.
But also, like, there's a type of girl who would, you know, not be could be attracted to this person.
But like the person that's attracted to Marilyn Manson. Yeah, for sure. Like I think in my head I think you get that person is heavily damaged.
Yeah. That fucking sucks. But, you know, that's like going back to the thing is like I'm sure. Like rock stars had that, like, didn't Axl Rose allegedly burned someone on the ass with a crack pipe?
I don't know, type of in. Crack pipe. I think he lost allegedly. Yeah, I mean, there was a there was a fucking story about one of the enjoyment of the day. One of the guys, one of the guys from the Mamas and the Papas had sex with his daughter. Allegedly. Allegedly.
I don't know what a hold on all of this is around.
This is going down a real nice path today. Yeah, I know.
OK, let's get let's let's let's we do have to try crack, though, do you, watching that documentary on Netflix.
No, but I want to try it. They say it's really good. Yeah I, I think. I think it would be a really fun experiment to try crack. To try it just one time and we'll cut ourselves off on the podcast, on the podcast, Smoke Crack one. Just one rock. Did you ever see did you ever see an anchorman when they tried crack cocaine? I'm sure I did. It is.
I've had some laughing fits in my life. I have one the other day on the treadmill. There's a commercial. I don't know if I don't think they intended it to be funny. It's like. But, you know, the kind of commercials that go Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Bill Evans was the first blind man to ever climb Everest.
And I am crying, laughing immediately. I'm like, what a waste of fucking time.
You're blocking it. I go double. Everybody's up there. I cry. I go the treadmill, go with a blind guy. What the fuck?
And so with that on Anchorman, when they try crack cocaine, that made me laugh so fucking hard.
All the guys try it. I forget. Can you can I just let's just giggle and watch it. And it's going to be silent for a second, everybody. OK, the anchorman two smoking crack. This made me laugh so fucking hard. Oh, I'm so glad Will Ferrell hasn't been canceled. Yeah. Oh he fucking makes me. That makes me.
So he's they're holding up signs. Don't smoke crack immediately.
Oh fuck. Yeah.
Here's another reason you should smoke crack I think why you couldn't catch a bus. You said, oh dude, I was chasing a buzz around the living room last night.
What do you drink. So let's let's be very clear, let's do it. It started at 6:00 in the morning. So this morning, most people I took a shot of whiskey at 6:00 in the morning. Why celebrate my power? And you really been on this?
I've been on it. And and it was great. And it was awesome. And you got a buzz. I got a little buzz and I let it go. Let it go.
Went into my day, went over to the new house, I did some stuff with Lee-Anne or 6:00 AM, 6:00 AM, I was doing radio with Jim and Sam and so and so I just was talking about celebrating power. And I said, it's very beautiful. And I took a shot. And then it's the greatest when you get that one drink buzz and then let it flow. I took a couple of shots, but let it kind of go away.
I go home, it's my lunch, take a nap, take a nap. Wake up me. Go for a jog. And then I'm like, you know what, I'm going to have a glass, I run six miles, I go home, I have a glass of wine at the end of my last mile. So poor glass of wine. And and I don't know if it was because it was fit wine and that, like, fit vines healthier.
But like I cruised through a bottle on that last bottle on that last mile and I felt good, I felt loose and then all of a sudden I'm in the living room and I and I open another bottle and I'm just. It's not. It's not.
Is that another runner in the world who is like, I cruised through a bottle on my last mile to the last moment and I did fantasy running fuck.
Yeah. I was like I was in a vineyard and my house is on fire and I was trying to run. Anyway, anyway, so and then I go into the living room. We're watching this new show called The Wilds and oh my God, Greg Garcia's fucking show is so fucking funny. So it is so goddamn funny. Do you ever Joey Diaz is fucking hilarious. You ever hang out with Greg? Yeah. No, not not really. Not really.
He is like he is funnier than all the comics you hang out.
I love when you you know who's like that is Mike Gibbons. Mike Gibbons. That's funny. I believe that then any comic because you don't really have any attachment to like he just is funny. Yeah.
That's Greg. Oh he's funny all the time. What's the name of his show.
It's called Pay for the Phone Book and book, the guest book jokes on Amazon, right? Yeah. Did you see? Have you seen it? No, I just saw the trailer. Oh, my God.
Yeah. You guys, that's on Hulu.
It's on Hulu. I'm sorry. Right. It's on TBS. What the fuck? I think they own everything. I think it's probably right. OK, I have one thing.
So first of all, this kid, Jimmy Tatro, is amazing. He is amazing. He might be my he's megamillions new favorite actor. Really. Jimmy Tatro is his name. He is that him. Yeah. The lines in it, Tom. The lines in it are so good where you're like like Leon and I are saying we're we're saying the back and forth to each other joides as a scene. Yeah. In the first episode that.
I was sobbing, crying, I was laughing so hard, can I spoiler alert for you guys, but for you, this is so fucking funny. So the whole premise and by the way, I'm just going to implore you to watch Guestbook, but I'm going to tell you the premise of this. One guy is in a marriage and he's his marriage is falling apart because he's obsessed with V.R.. So he's always got his VR goggles on and she's like, why?
And he's like, well, we're we're just driving on the interstate. Wouldn't you rather see the Alps and the woman can't get it and then she catches him jerking off and she's like, you're jerking off to VR. And he's like, yeah, the women are so much prettier than you like. You need to understand that. And he's like, maybe if you did it, then you can have VR and you can have sex with the hot guy.
And then she was like, I wanna have sex with a black guy. And he's like, OK, so they put on the VR and they're both a black couple. And then and then something happens with his wi fi and he's like, oh, wait, hold on, she's like, wait Mongkut out. And he's like, Oh, I think I'm ahead of you. So now his is going.
Just five seconds later, he goes, he goes, wait, hold on, wait.
Do you see a guy in yours? And Joey Diaz comes in and the scenario is the pimp and he goes, Now you're sucking his dick all wrong.
You got to work the balls and he goes down and starts the guy's cock and you're like, Dude, I was howling, fucking laughing.
It is such a good show and we binged it. We binge the whole we don't even watch the first season yet. We binge the whole second season. It is awesome. It it's so good. Anyway, can't catch a buzz last night this happened to you do right.
Well for me. OK, I've been 10 mg Tom for a while. Yeah. I got to do that a while ago.
Meaning a couple of months now I became 20 milligram time at home. OK, when I got home from recovery like after after the hospital went to recovery and then came home. Shortly thereafter, I started doing 30 mg at night to go to sleep Jesus, and now last night I took 50. And I'm really proud of myself. It's really close to 100. I'm stepping it up and guess what, though? What? So I took 30 and didn't really feel anything really.
I did take 20 more. And I, you know, kind of. Yeah. So it happens. I mean, I've been working really hard at it.
What do you think? Do you think maybe. I want to take what you're taking. What does it make you sleepy? Yeah, I take Indicus at night because I helps me go to sleep. And is it just shut your brain down or I just tingle? I mean I mean, you know, you have your high, but like, I like to do it like, OK, I want to go to bed in, like, 90 minutes or an hour or a couple hours.
So I take them and you just start to feel more tired, you know, and then it just helps you kind of just doze off.
I smoked weed the other day with you. I smoked weed the other day. Mm, I've no idea when I smoked weed. Oh, I smoked weed the other day and I was one of the baby. Joints are tiny but mighty.
And it I second it all of a sudden everything felt so much better and I was like, fuck man I, I wonder if there is edible similar to smoking weed or.
I think it's pretty different really. Yeah. I'm fucking, I'm just, I've done that but I would recommend doing it the way I did it, which is start really mild.
I was thinking of starting at 100 and seeing if I like it and then trying to pull it back with orange. Try that, try that. Right.
I maybe I'll try. And here's my problem is I start getting anxiety about maybe having covered when like even when I smoked the joint, my brain was like, you just get chills.
Yeah, well that'll we'll just do that to you. You start thinking about then you know, I love about getting high. What realizing when things are bad ideas like your brain will just go, that's a fucking stupid idea. And then you're like, I've been in denial about how stupid that is.
Like just any idea, like, you know, whatever you're doing, writing, creating, you know, I feel like I feel like everybody's brain does this, your brain shelves, things that you don't want to think about or that are uncomfortable. Right. It puts it on a shelf.
It's how I mean, all our brains do this so you can basically exist in the world to exist. You need to be able to compartmentalize things and not face the most uncomfortable thoughts at all times. But if you get a certain type of high, your brain just goes, hey, you know that thing you don't think about? And it puts it like right in front of you. And it can be uncomfortable or it can be something where you go, I'm going to resolve this.
You know, I'm never going to resolve it. You will resolve it. I think you will resolve it. But the key is to get really, really high all the time, I might I might get high tonight I to do it. I gave myself the week off, so like we did. So we shot Sunday, right?
Yeah, we we shot, by the way. I mean, if you saw it if you watched the live show, I think we shot seven beer commercials, by the way. That was so fun.
It was funny shit. And we just kind of literally were like right over there. Try that. Yeah. Oh do this. Move over there came in with rough ideas and we did some by ourselves and we did some with the actors. But it was it was really fun to do.
I wonder. Mm hmm.
Wonder how our sponsors would feel if we shot commercials for that. There's some that I think they wouldn't like that we did. And then maybe one, there's a certain point Chloes like you guys really hit women see women one way, huh? Just nagging and annoying. And we're like.
Sorry. We should have one to celebrate her power, the. I might try inaudible tonight, do it. What do you use, cheaper juice? I do a lot of those. I have some other ones were given to me, so. But it doesn't matter for you sometime crossborder.
They definitely buy like the cheap watches are pretty consistent.
Yeah. So, like, I know what I'm getting, you know, that kind of thing. That's what consistency. Yeah. Like because you if you start like here's the thing, it's like it's a brand that I'm familiar with. I know what it's going to be like. So that's why I like it. Oh that's nice. Yeah. Do it. Try 50 tonight. Just see how it rolls, you know.
I'll see fifty and then if I don't like it, what do I do to make it stop. Oh just tomorrow do forty. OK, cool.
What time's a perfect. I'm taking about I would think four o'clock in the afternoon.
I would wait a little and the way I was going to go do voiceover and take one right as I walked in that then when you're done you're be ready to go. I used to love taking a Xanax on stage. What. Take a Xanax on stage and then do stand up until you realize it's kicked in. Guys, this show's over. You just take it on stage. I tell you, I would do it on Sundays.
So like at what point in the show, right when I get on stage, just popped in your mouth on my mouth and I'd be like, all right, just because next we're going race to see if we can beat it. How strong will you take half a milligram I took, I took. How close is the Xanax to inedible, by the way, I mean edibles, but every time I've been partying, I haven't been like, I'm going to chill out in my chair.
I've been like, I can take a simple edibles and I'm drinking. I'm getting loose.
I mean, the they're different in the Xanax and edibles are definitely different. Really. Yeah. Yeah. What a Xanax would be faster acting for sure.
I remember one time I, I was driving back from Irvine and I was like, all right, let me get some sleep tonight. So I was like when I'm about 30 minutes out, you know, like 15 minutes into the drive home, I'm going take a Xanax and then I'm going a race to see if I compete at home on my car. And there was a fucking traffic jam. And all of a sudden I'm like, oh, fuck, man, I can't drive.
Like, I'm like closing my eyes. And I'm like, this is fucking horrible. So I was like. Cracked beer, I was like, here, I'm kidding, I just was like, I guess I'll just fucking drive really, really slow home. That's that's Joey's like philosophy for how to do edibles, by the way, to combine the two. Yeah. He's like, oh, you got to do what you take a thousand milligrams, you know, like start that, something like that popping in babies and it takes the edge off when you're like that's really cool advice.
Take a thousand milligrams. Sometimes the Xanax doesn't do it. You're like you're like at that level it doesn't.
Jesus Christ, a thousand milligrams. And then he'll he will just roll through a day like that. Guys, it is the shortest month of the year. I don't know how they decided to do that, but they gave it one last day or two or three. I don't how many days are in the month. Meaning you've got slightly less time to check off your February to DOS.
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Why don't more people like at the end towards the end of their life try heroin and crack and stuff.
Dumb people. They don't do it. Yeah. Like why not get addicted to crack. You've got a year to live.
Dustin Diamond died.
I know out of fucking nowhere. He was diagnosed like a month ago.
And then all of a sudden it was just fuckin over stage four. I kind of got kind of broke my heart when you heard about that. Seems like I don't want to grab because they're just going to terrorize it. He's like, I want to be cremated. I feel if you give me a fucking grave, they're just going to. I didn't know any of this. Oh, he said this? Yeah. He said that he didn't go to the hospital because he was afraid.
The the he was like, no, if I go to the hospital, everyone's going to fucking make fun of me. How do you know that? I've been obsessed with him and I did I did read this thing that said, I mean, I don't know if this is true or what's rumor, but that that his past cast mates didn't care for him that much.
And then they all were like, oh, sad that he's gone. You're like, um, they definitely didn't like him.
I don't think I'm not so sure he I don't think he did porn. Yeah. Oh yeah. I think I mean I heard rumors about him. I don't think he was like a super pleasant dude. Yeah, I know he he did standup. He ended up doing standup.
I used to go into the clubs right after he would do a club and not I mean, not like just being real about it. Not not everyone was celebrating him then. And I think it is kind of weird when you go to these people who I don't really listen to any of the people that were on saved by the bell in a while. And you hear them be heartbroken about, you know, you know, and you're like you didn't allow him in the reboot.
Like you actually said, don't get screech for the reboot. When they did, they did a reboot. Saved by the bell. Right. You're doing it now. Yeah. And they didn't want a minute. And now they're like, oh, he will be dearly missed. I mean, it's like I just be consistent a little bit. Mm hmm. You know, I mean, I don't remember whatever. What am I looking for? My looking for Paul, Gosule, Marty or whatever, Goslar, Marty, whatever his name is.
Yeah, that's a name. I don't remember. Goslar. No, Gonçalo is a councillor. I don't know Mark. Paul Goslar. Yeah. It's a good looking guy. He's looked a lot better looking now as an adult. Forty six years younger than me. My God, Screech was 44 man to have lung cancer and die at 44, was had cancer, ran in his family and it started with a lump on his neck.
That's why early detection is key to everything, which is why you got to get physicals, OK?
Yeah, I know. I know.
Grown ass men, they're like having a physical in 10 years.
I do understand that. Going to the dentist in 10 years, but not getting a physical. I cannot I get a physical every nine months. Yeah. I go to my cardiologist every nine months and I go to I go get a physical, I offset them so I get physicals. And so it's I'm literally getting technically getting blood work every four months.
That's good. Both good because I live the way I do. And so I want to make sure I'm in front of anything that starts going south. We can if it if it pops once positive, we're like, OK, let's keep an eye on that. And then it happens again. We're like, all right, time to change your lifestyle. And how's that going? We're doing pretty good.
Yeah, I'm bragging to Drew the other day, right when I was fucking such an idiot. Who are you fucking. No, I was talking to Drew. This is when Drew had covid. Yeah. And I was like, I'm indestructible. I'm never going to die. And then two days later he's like, I covid. And I was like, and he goes, looks like we're putting that to the test, buddy. And I was like, oh, fuck.
And then I didn't get it. So you didn't.
Yeah, I think I'm you know, of course it's in a lot of vitamin D, a lot of vitamins, zinc, a lot of zinc, you know, like to get working out a lot of just staying hydrated.
Why were you chased by a lady?
You said I told you in the lobby. Don't tell me anymore. Oh, it's. Here's. Here's the thing that no one's taking into account and all these KARREN videos or Gotcha. So I was having a beautiful day, I was driving I was driving over to shoot with you. Oh, that day, yeah, I was driving to shoot with you. And so I'm driving to the new house and I'm having a I just got off the treadmill, which is, by the way, very impressive.
Oh, thank you.
Fucking really feeling it just had my iced coffee and pants and I'm listening to Nathaniel Rateliff right. I'm dancin in the car that I got.
That is, uh.
Anyway, OK, so I got the windows down and I'm I'm I'm I'm speeding, I'm just having a great time and I go through a green light.
It's green and this woman is running a red light.
She is not she's not paying attention and she is about to drive through a red light. I see her, but I see her too late. I just pass her and she's running a red light. I went through a green light. No one else is going except for her. She then fucking hightails. It starts chasing me. I don't know. She's chasing me.
But I do know what her car looks like when she did that. And I know that now I'm about to do a U-turn to my new house and a legal U-turn. And I'm dancing like this and she flies up behind me and hits her horn as she didn't expect me to do a U-turn and then swerves out of the way and pulls over the median on the other side. Now I'm on the median facing this way. She's facing this way.
And she starts recording me, she starts going asshole and recording me. And I don't know what I don't even know any of this is going on.
But here's what's crazy. If anyone that knows what rage feels like or my my tits filled with helium, like my heart fills with helium, were your start shaking and you're like, yeah, I'm going to fucking kill her. I'm going to fucking swing around. And I'm like, I'm going to fucking light her up.
And then I'm like, hold on. This is how you get caught on camera. That energy.
There's no there's no thought process that goes.
The thought process started with make sure to put on a mask, and because I didn't want to get covid and then I was like. Put on a mask so she can't see your face. Shit, they're going to recognize your voice. You know what? I said this. I go. I'm never going to convince her that she ran the red light, I'm certain she believes I ran a red light and I don't have any proof that I didn't. And I was just like and I pulled away and she's now she's chasing me and I'm like, nope, not going to get into it, I'm not going to get into it.
I don't know how this is going to end. So did you get out of your car? No, I never got it. But when I walked up, I saw Lindsey and I was shaking.
I was shaking because I wanted to fucking scream at her. They call her a cunt caller. All the fucking horrible things that I could think of just on the fly. Yeah. And I was like, oh, that's how this is how like no one's identifying that all these people that are getting caught on camera, but. This is rage, rage, as you say, and do horrific things you would never do, no one. And you can't go back and you can't go back.
There's a there's a video of this kid, this boy. He's like a boy. He's like probably 17, maybe 18 years old. And he's yelling at this Mexican guy, go back to your own country, go back or whatever he's saying. Right. And then I see his apology videos. That's not me. And then I'm like, no, it totally was you. I watched this right before I almost got caught. I don't know what I would have said to this lady.
Yeah. I mean, I hope it would have been politically correct and I would have been like, you're driving was not because of your gender. Whatever the fuck I would have said, I'm certain I would have said something absolutely horrific.
But I I watched his apology video going the day before. I watch it the day before. And I go, but that is you. That's what you said.
And then I realize, oh, we're all until we all feel that rage and recognize it and then find accountability, we're never going to fucking solve this cancer culture because you're like like I shit on a shit.
I don't know what a podcast you're going to find this one, but I shit on some senator, a Republican or whatever, Democratic or representative, something that was in the storm, the Capitol capital. And they were like, I didn't shit on him. I just said they were like trying to make it very melodramatic. I feel I got a phone call and I had two seconds to say I love you.
And I was like in my head. I was like, I don't know. I saw the storming of the Capitol. I thought I was fucked up. I was like, I don't think they're going to kill anyone.
And then I heard them talking about I don't know who she is really, but AOC is like Republicans don't like her. Right?
That's a generous way of putting it. Yes.
You know, and I heard her talking about her experience. I don't really know anything about her. Yeah. But I was like, I know people don't like her. And I was like, oh.
They would have killed her, I mean, five people did die that day. You have no meaning like I didn't realize they were going in to possibly kill. Oh, I think I think she could have gotten killed for sure. She would have gotten killed. Yes, she would.
And that's how the mob mentality works. And that's how race people were exact people were.
You saw that?
I mean, especially when you have like like you said, a mob. What happens is you lose complete sense of, you know, rational thinking and everyone's like, OK, let's go.
I mean, that's like war stuff. You know, it's like kicked the door open. Everybody. If they had gotten a hold or found her, Nancy Pelosi, they probably would have beaten her to death.
I mean, I think and I think it would have been like the group mentality taking over. And then and then they would have been like, that wasn't me, right?
I lost I lost my sense of self. That's a great game show.
That wasn't me. Where we take people or spit food out of my mouth, we take people and we get them in a rage thing and see exactly what they do. It's like when I say bluntly and put me in the ass if I was horny enough. Yeah. How do we get people into that fevered pitch, that rageful moment, and then that's the game show when when they just do stuff they would never fucking do, look at all this babies like, oh, I know it wasn't me.
Yeah, well, I mean, I think it's going to be tough to find a network that's into it. But I like where you're going. I think you need to go to an underdeveloped country to start. A culture that's like, yeah, we'd love to do that. That you know, how much fun to bear one KABE would be in Kazakhstan or in just a third world country where we're like, all right, I know that in the States they're not really big on dog fighting, but today but today we're in Yemen.
So we're going to fuck people up. And let's not to dogs is a dog and a young boy. OK, here we go. See see if you can find them.
I just got that rage thing. Yeah. Like, I really connect because I was I just watched someone full of fucking rage screaming into a phone, go back to your own country, and then he was like, that wasn't me.
I thought, you have real rage on stage where you're like and you go like, man, if I don't reset right now, the show's over. No, never. I've never I, I have a beer. We tell me your story. I've had you know, there's a thing you can do, especially in clubs where you can hear something in earshot that.
You ignore and then you know that you can't ignore. So I've had different times, you know, when you're on stage and it's like you're performing a show and you know that like Rose four through 50 at this club, don't hear this.
But I feel like that thing of somebody in the audience, especially in the front, kind of disrespecting the show, you know, like usually there's alcohol involved here and they're just acting, you know. You know, we need to go over to Jeni's and you're like, you know, and then you're kind of like going like, hey, why isn't the club handling this right over and over? And then you're like, what it was? And then they're like, how come?
And you realize, oh, they're totally checked out. They're drunk. Yeah. And then they think that because you address them that now the channel is open to communicate, you know.
So I just remember one in particular where I just I fucking it was a slow build because it's like it's bothering you and you're building resentment, you know, little by little. And then I was like once I said, I don't remember the exact thing I said, but I was like, once you get the fuck out of here, you pig, or something like that to this.
And then her friend was like, how dare you call her a pig? And I go, she looks like a pig. She sounds like. And I started to get angrier and angrier and she fell over the table.
The pig fell onto the table and there was a bucket like a beer bucket, and then that collapsed and I was and I started making oink sounds, you know, like I and I tell you something, I was I was full.
I didn't do it in a fun way, like I was making Excel and I was doing it, like, to be mean, you know, like I but I was doing I had, like, hate in my heart, you know, like I wasn't doing it, like, so funny.
And then they got her out of here.
I was like, yeah, you fucking go to the farm, you pigs go eat at the farm. And then like, when they when they took them out, that's the thing is like you're just full of rage. You like you fucking bitch. Right. And they pull them out and then you turn to the audience and you're like, hey guys. And they're like and you got to go like how do I go back to like you know.
So I was driving early, like like I never reset your I've never had I've never I always have a fear fulness of of getting beat up like I never go, like I always respected guys like Toshie would just kick people out.
Like you're like people, guys who weren't afraid of the confrontation after the show. Yeah. I was always afraid of the competition after the show like that. I was like, IMAG has no fear of the competition after zero zero.
Did you ever hear you may have to watch the confrontation, you might have to edit his name out of here? I'm not sure he wants to hear this be shared, but his ones he's got an epic one where he had a bachelorette party and they wouldn't stop talking. And he just goes tomorrow, young lady, when you put on your deodorant and she goes, yeah, he goes, I hope you find a lump.
And the whole club turned on him and they had to keep him in the club because they were waiting outside for him. Holy shit, he was like a fighter.
But everyone's had those bachelor bachelorette parties usually that I told a bachelorette party.
I said I said to a bachelorette party in Baltimore, I have to. It was right after you called the lady a cunt at a show that I was at when in Sacramento. I couldn't believe I couldn't believe that you salvaged it. That's the part. What did I do? You know, it was a small turnout.
This is like fucking 10 years ago or something. And I opened. This isn't even the time. This is like a separate show from the time that I absolutely ate shit. But you're an adult and you're like cunt.
And I was like and I was so excited, you know, and she was like that. And you I don't know how you did it, but I still remember. That you went like into material and stuff and she laughed and you're like, see, I got your letter and I was like. How could you went from insulting her so horribly that you got her to be on your side and you turned it around? I remember it.
I have to. You're right. And I'm not being a hundred percent honest because I don't I don't remember those bad times where I have lost my shit and I definitely have lost my shit on crowds. And I don't. And and I I instantly regret it.
I to about calling someone a cunt will always do it because I've done it a few times and it always goes south.
It's so funny because it's like and then people get upset that you've called someone a country like no that's how I felt.
Yeah. And also you were being one.
Yeah. So that's why I was being a cunt. I called you a cunt. I made two of my I made two.
I did a club once that had 20 people at the show and in the first. Three minutes, a lady goes, come on and I go, she goes, let's go and I go, What? And she goes, I'm just giving you some encouragement. I go, I don't need it. And she goes, Well, you know, you're the comedian. I go, I guess you're the because I don't need it.
And she was like, and there was they were a table of 12.
So the 20 people became eight because they left. Oh my God. And the next day the club owner called me and he goes, I was informed. That you called the lady a cunt last night and I go. That didn't happen. I decided every story I got. Let me hold on. Let me paint the picture for you.
Oh, that's fucking hilarious. I thought I did a total joke one time about child pornography.
And the joke was, you ever have a horrible idea? And you don't realize you think it's a brilliant idea. I said, let me tell you something about kiddie porn, and this woman just goes, no, yeah, no. And I went, hold on. So I need you to stop right now, and she goes, no, I won't allow you to tell a joke about kiddie porn. And I said, so let me explain comedy the way comedy works.
I'm going to give you an idea premise that you're going to think that. But hopefully you don't say it out loud and then I'm not going to give you you think I'm going a green light kiddie porn or something. Now, you fucked up the whole joke because everything I say sounds serious after this. Great. I was like, the whole premise is I'm I give you a premise that you're not going to. So I'm going to take it a different way.
She was like, OK, try it now. And I was like, no, no, fuck yourself. Yeah, fucking asshole.
Exactly. You dumb fucking bitch. God, I'm now I'm glad we able do stand up anymore.
Now we just tell funny stories. I lost a this is this one has been haunting me. Yeah. In Baltimore at that big, big place. Not Mugabes but the bigger place. Yeah I know. Comedy Factory. Yeah.
I had this was the night my special The Machine aired I think, and I had a huge table of black chicks on a bachelorette party and they would not shut the fuck up. And this is the weekend after the bachelorette party got caught in the flaming limousine driving down the street and they all died. Yeah.
And I go and I go, ladies, please, please, please, please stop talking. And they're like, be funny, motherfucker.
And I was like I was like, um, I'm trying my hardest. I go, listen, I want you guys to have a great night.
And they're like, then make us laugh. And I'm like, I'm trying. I go, You guys take a limousine here? And they're like, yeah, I go. I hope it catches on fire and the place goes nuts. And then we're like, No, no.
And they got up and did a parade around the fucking place. I remember one time I a I call this one chick. She was a fucking God damn it, Tom, why do you have to bring up these memories? Yeah. In Louisville, Bob Cameron would tell you this.
She she was she was a blank check with a like big hair and she was a bigger chick. And she said her and I said something and she goes, boo in the front row, boo.
And I said I said, give me. And I made a joke or whatever. It was a good joke. Everyone laughed. You laugh and she goes, My boyfriend's white. And I go, I think we all know what he looks like. And the place goes crazy.
And then she went, I swear to God, I wish Bob was here. She went table to table, got up and went table to table, telling everyone they needed to leave.
And people left with her like older white chicks would be like, I'm with you, sister. He's a misogynist. I go, I was like, Guys, I just got on stage. I haven't even said anything yet. Yeah, I haven't even said anything yet. You have people to leave, a lot of people to leave. And then they waited for me in the fucking lobby.
These to like power lifter guys. Holy shit man. This springing up like trauma.
They came to that my show in Raleigh and these guys were huge and wearing suits like full suits with an overcoat over their arms.
And they looked like Nation of Islam security guys. But they were enormous. I mean, each guy was like over three hundred pounds and not fat, like just enormous in suits, over coats, over their arms. Sit together. Second row stare. During the show and and the one guy like every few minutes would go, this guy's terrible man, terrible like in audibly, so they were so big and intimidating that I was like, I hear them and I'm not addressing this.
And then after the show, I walk off, Guy walks past me and I'm just like because I really like the guy. I mean. Like unnaturally big, strong dudes waiting for the walk. I don't know, the guy's going to say something to me, so I'm standing there with security.
I was like, he goes, Yeah, man, you know, we heard him, but we just realized that we couldn't do anything, so.
We just. We just let them. I was like, cool, I go, I, I thought the same thing from the stage. I just saw them and I was like, these guys hate me and no one can tell them to leave.
Dude, I'm the worst exact same scenario except three gang bangers in the front row in Miami, Miami, Miami, three gang bangers in the front row.
Miami was why Lisa Lisa Carano is working with me in another I forget the other guy Lisa is hosting. She comes off and she is physically upset and falls into tears in the green room. She was like, these guys are fucking assholes.
And this guy I wish I remember the guy. The guy she was we were working with had thinning hair and he had it combed like comb. So it was like kind of sticking up to kind of cover that. It was thinning like it was hair spray up.
Yeah. He goes on and it's just going terrible, terrible.
Nothing like Miami and and and the manager comes in, he's like, all right, we have a problem in the front row. And I said, well, do you guys going to do something about it? And he's like, I think they have weapons on them. So I don't think we're going to do anything. Yeah. And I was like, well, what am I supposed to do? And he's like, good luck, man. As he says that the feature act comes off and his hair is sweated down onto his head and he's like, it's really bad out there.
And I went out, this is I mean, this is Coconut Grove. Yeah, this is insanely true. I went out and saw what I did is an old Davutoğlu Feng Shui or Tai Chi move or Dave Attell would if he had I'm not spilling any news and this is David. If he had a heckler, he would ask them the premise of his joke. Hmm. I watched him do this. It was genius. He would ask them the premise of his joke, like, how do you eat pussy?
And and you already have your penis. He has his punch line. Yeah. And so then what happens is that guy that heckler gets to try to be funny and then Dave tops him and he does. If you do enough of them, then he shuts the guy down as a David Tyson, you do it in the village. And it was like genius. And so I do the Davutoğlu Funt Tity or whatever. And so I say to the guy, what's best for the pussy?
And the guys are actually fucking hilarious.
One guy was like, You want to know how to please your bitch? And I was like, don't call her bitch. And the place goes nuts.
Nah nah, take your lips. Put it right by a Clinton go and then the place goes nuts. And I was like, Oh, that's funny. I just put my lips around and go home and now we're going back. And so I do. My whole thirty five minutes is is where I get to and they're loving me and the room's like, finally we got everyone on the same team and then the one of the guys gets up on stage in a flash.
His name was Ray. I remember that vividly dark dude gets up on stage, he starts going, this right here is a real motherfucker. And everyone's like, OK, who's, you know, real motherfuckers getting the thrill of like, what? And he just dropped his pants and pulls his dick out. And he's like, Yeah, show Yoshitsune.
And I was like, nah, he had a hog. It was and it was purple.
I mean it was like dark, dark, dark and like dicks just out on stage, out on stage and it was massive. I want to say I could be wrong on this because this is a true story. I'm cool taking big swings, a true story. I'm cool taking big swings. I want to say he worked for bankbooks. So if you can find Ray, Big Dick, dark skinned dude, I go, Ray, I'm going to I'm gonna give you a heads up.
I'm definitely not taking my dick out now that I've seen years, like, if I might have done it. And then Senior, I'm like, oh, that was a mistake. But now I'm not able to do it. And, you know, they're going to call the cops, so you might want to leave. And he was like, good looking out. And he gets on stage. He's with the lights can do with dreadlocks, the face tattoo.
And he starts nodding. I go, Yeah. And he goes, you real motherfucker. And I go, Oh, shit. And he gets up on stage.
He goes, you know what real motherfuckers get in the three oh five.
And everyone's like, Please take your dick out, please. He drops his pants, takes his dick out. And it is just as big as race. It's a huge fucking dick. And everyone's like, oh my God, he looks at me, you show your shit, son. And I was like, I'm definitely not after you two. And I go. And by now they've definitely called the cops. So you may want to meet up with Ray and get a ride home.
And he's like good looking out and he gets stage with them. I swear to you, on my children's life is a hairless albino. And I say it's so funny. Out of all the dicks I wanted to see tonight, it was yours. And everyone stops and the guy very slowly pushes the table forward, stands up, gets on stage, looks at me, nod, don't say a word, takes his dick out. And it is I'm saying yellow it is.
It looks like a lighthouse in the fog. It is huge. And he looks at me and I just take my mike, I go, that's my show. I dropped my mike.
I walked on stage. I did thirty five minutes. I hairless albino cock. How the fuck do you. You can't follow it. Follow it dude.
The Miami Improv I remember. So for people who don't know like when you go to a club like the contractual obligation for the head. Diner is a 45 minute set and then, you know, most will do 60, sometimes more, but that's your minimum. When I featured there the first time, I was middling and the headliner got off sweating thirty two minutes.
And I was like, what happened then? He was like, I was just I mean, just shorter set tonight.
The worst sets I've ever had in my life were in the Miami Improv.
I had a set where I came out and it was packed, packed and like and you could hear that people were, you know, talking shit. And I start doing like Latin jokes, making like making fun of Latin people. And it was like perfect because a lady in the front row with a heavy accent was, I think that you are a racist. And I go against her and she like a Latin people. And then I just go right in the Spanish and the place fucking falls apart.
I mean, it was like having a fucking cheat code, you know, it was like of I remember the first time I heard you speak Spanish on stage.
Yeah. You said some Mexican joke and then you and then I think there was a guy in the front row that didn't like it. Yeah. And you translated it and said it to him in Spanish.
And I'm fucking I was like, you speak Spanish. It's like Chico man in Miami. It's necessary.
Dude, I remember one time I was bombing so hard I bombing all weekend with Steve Trevino. The whole weekend we were co headlining me, Ricky Cruz and Steve Trevino and I had to go laugh at my scenes.
Are you in Ontario? No, we're in fucking Miami.
Oh, my name sounds like a hate crime at that point. Yeah.
Like Deja Kouji really cool Steve driving your book writer and it everyone, everyone was like I remember at one point saying to Steve, I feel like they think I took a Latino's job. Yeah. Like because, because I'm, I shouldn't be up here. I was bombing so bad, so bad that on like late early show Saturday I just give up. I tell a joke and it doesn't work, and I'm like, you know what, fuck you guys.
I got to tell you what you guys are are set to not like me. And I got to be honest with you, I don't think. Have you understand what I'm saying? I was like, I don't think English is your first language. So we're going to make this really easy. I said, can I get like a Cuban guy and a black guy up here? And I got and I got two volunteers and we're talking gold fronts.
Looked like trick daddy, black dude and a Cuban guy with like like six gold chains on and rings and in flip flops and and so white linen. Yeah. And so I go start lining up with shots. I go, gentlemen, I cannot get this crowd like me. So what I'm going to do is I'ma tell a joke and then I want you to translate it to your people. That's great. And so I would say I was talking to a young lady the other day and the back I was like, man, can I play, get some conversation?
I can roll up on this and the places it's murdering and then. And then. And then I just said in Spanish, she's like like a whistle and it murdered so fucking hard.
And then you could take anything and then make it the joke like it was so great. Well somebody said that at one time and I was like, that's right. They, I forget who said it. They said to work the Miami Improv, you need all the skill sets of a comedian.
So in other words, you have to have all of them written material. You have to be able to improvise. You have to be able to do crowd work. You have to have facial expressions. You have to have like all you have to use them all together.
You can have a deejay on stage with you even remember they had a deejay one time. And I was like, I don't think I want a deejay in the like. Trust me, it works. Yeah.
All right. We got to rap. I had so much fun doing the live streaming last football game of the season with you. It was such a blast.
Oh, and then if you want to see it live streamed that way, my studio is that there's a bunch of tuba's merch available at Staudt. Why Image Studios dot com. So you can check that out. Let's see the. Yeah. You got the injury stuff. Oh there's a new one there. Say no to sports. You see that one. That's a new one in the middle there. They just, they just say no to sports. Yeah that's great.
So there's all kinds of stuff there. Check it out. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. And we'll see you in a week. Love you, Burt. Love you too.
Tony, Burt, Tom, Tom. One gobstoppers while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in bird snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call sandbaggers. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy, however, no apologies. Here's one more call to parents on Katie.