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It's more like a phishing kind of hat today. Just looking at the Masters has a message right now when we're filming this is the Masters. This seems really high.
I think it's good.
I for the record, is the Masters that shout out to Michael Collins who gave me this hat and shout out to all the racists that open Augusta National Club and didn't allow blacks or women or people of other ethnicities and religions into their club for like eighty years. What were you saying? I was wondering.
I was actually wondering, like, I would like to go back to, like, the first person when they started doing the rules, like, do you think there was someone that was a little progressive like his? You know, black people do this and everyone's like, what did you just say?
I think like one day, like probably that, you know, in Augusta, some black guy just walked up and was like looking to play golf. And they were like, what here?
Like, you can't play here. And he was like, why? When did they start letting black people play in Augusta? It was, oh, boy, good luck.
It was way later than you think. Yeah, it's that's a fun game.
That's that should be a game show until 1990. No women as members of 2012.
No. Yeah. No clubs are required, all caddies to be black and barred, black gold on hold on. Well, what the fuck? Yeah, the club held a long racist and held them.
They held these racist and sexist policies. I talk about this on stage. Are you serious right now yet?
Right now you're talking about this on stage right now. Right now. Are you serious? Yes, I have a whole bit about Augusta.
No women could be members in 2020 12. Can I tell you what, I went to a meeting one time. There was a planned meeting. No, no, no.
There was a club. Like a club, right? Yeah. No, no, no. It's in Hollywood. It's like. It's like a members only bar. Yeah. Yeah.
And so they're all over the country. Go ahead.
So I get a call and they're like, it's movie producer wants to meet you. He's a member of this like elite club on on Sunset Down by Beverly Hills. And he's like, you could do that. And I was like, fuck yeah. I've always wanted to go see what these like, you know. Yeah. Yeah. So they're like, cool.
So I go there and I get in the lobby and Judy, my managers, they're like, what are you doing here? She's like, I'm here for the meeting. I go, they let women in the club. She was like. They let women in all clubs. I was like, oh, I want to go to, like, one of the old school ones. It was like all the like all dudes and like everyone's walking around half naked and they're like, hey, that sounds see, here's the thing.
I can stand stand for inclusion and against having women, you know, I mean, like like I feel like you should let in every race and religion of man in baby steps of progress.
Yeah. All the men. All different colors. Exactly. Commiserate about how they hate.
But then once you start having women come in, you're like, oh, so there's no fun here.
I would love to be. Do they have you can't even have them.
You can't even have like we can you can you forbid a woman from joining a private club.
Let's start with it's like a private club.
It's like can you is it is it illegal to forbid a woman from joining a private club like Howard had to get away for 2012? That's recent.
That's very that's like that's encouraging is shit.
That means that can we do have a shot. I was I was saying I was trying to think of a joke. Was I was trying to think of a joke about. You know, like so like when you're trying to hit progress, you're like like you'll say like, oh, don't say the F word. Which one's that? Right. Right. Oh, come on. You know which one? Yeah. I'm like, you stop saying fuck, you're like now, God damn it, that's so important about you.
And and I wonder if that happened with the N-word when they were like when the first white guy was like, man, I don't appreciate you not saying the N-word. And they're just like in the back of the truck.
Like, I'm not sure what word you're talking about. Yeah. And like, I mean, never. And he's like, no, you can say no. My pop said never say never.
I don't know what I don't know about what was the other way was the other one.
I was just thinking of when I would say, oh the K word no with the keyboard. I don't know. What's it to you. The R word. The R word is the M word.
The R word has really like saying that has really taken off in recent years.
You know, what's so funny is I really feel like you were at the beginning of the of the wave of reintroducing that word to people. Thanks, man.
I hear that word so much. I hear it so much. So much.
I hear both the R word said.
Yeah. And Wahaha all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I hear it. I just say I love I, I embrace when a person of progress doesn't know. You're not allowed to say that word. Yes. And they say like when you're shooting a TV show and they're like let's not all be.
And you're like yeah I know it's it is the most exciting reveal.
I love when I've had people talk to me about it like they'd be like want to holler at you about the R word and they kind of give you like a mini lecture. Yeah. And you're like, OK, and then how much time later you're just hanging out and they're like, you know, they're like fucking retarded man.
You're like are you like, oh, so it is part of your lexicon and you're not the person that you were that was lecturing me.
You're just you want to hear the best one of those ever, ever. We're sitting at my house having dinner with a bunch of friends and the topic of the N-word comes up of usage in the south. And I was like it was very popular when I grew up. Like, my parents never said it, but I heard it. Every neighborhood I grew up in, I heard it. And we moved to Florida. I remember like everyone I remember the first time I said it.
You ready for this? Yeah. Good story, by the way.
Get ready to edit this out, OK? This is a very vulnerable story, but I was 10 years old and as young as well, you're going to the story has OK, it's not it's not what you think.
So there was a year like, come on, man, catch the fucking ball, 10 years old.
And so we lived in a we we moved out of a bad neighborhood. We lived in a bad neighborhood, rough neighborhood when I was really young, like rednecks. And did you really. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like it was it was the first house we could afford then and it was all that level of white that could afford a house. They could afford to own a house, but they weren't their own bosses yet.
Right. So it was if that makes sense and there was a black neighborhood that was that was on the other side of the street to ours.
And these this is a separate story. But this is how often I heard the word the black kids came over one night and stole my football, was in the front yard. They stole my football. I knew it was my football because the late we played in the street and the laces had run out. My dad used a shoe string to replace the football. And so they had my football and they challenged us to a game of football. And these two redneck brothers said that is football.
And they said, no, this is our football. And they started fighting. The two brothers started fighting two black dudes. And then it got down to one, the youngest brother in the black dude fighting. And the dad came out of the two white brothers and started chanting, Fight, fight. And we're in a white white, don't win.
We all jump in and hit me and said, start him. He's fighting for your ball.
And I was like, Oh, my God. And by the way, that was just I was traumatized. Watch fight now cut to ten years old. We moved to it. We moved to a better neighborhood. Yeah. And and there there's a black family in there. The Corvin's shout out to the Corvin's. There were awesome fucking family there from Ohio. I think that's one of the small details. And they had just gotten Pacman. Chris Calvin had just gotten Pacman and we were playing one on one.
And he was destroying me like I had had. And he started going and the whole family's run, they just gotten Pacman grandma, his cousin, his sister, mom and dad. Right. And he's going to take that honky tonk, that honky cracker, crabgrass cracker.
And the whole family's laughing. I'm the one white kid there. And I'm like, this doesn't feel so cool.
So then I get it right. I start to play and I start going. I go take that.
You jump in front of the whole fucking family in front of the whole fucking family. I have that unplugged. They unplugged it, unplugged game. Father, Chris's father sat down and said, we don't say that word in this house, and I was like, I was really confused. I was like, I mean, I thought he was just I thought, we're fucking around like like in my head. I know that I didn't I had no weight of the word.
I didn't know I'd heard it in the other neighborhood. I never said it. But I was like, oh, we're going to bust balls. He's going to call me honky in a cracker. Yeah. And he was like, we don't say that in this world, in this house. And he gave me like a very stern but very loving lecture about that word.
And then the grandma came in and the grandma explained what her life was like. I'm fucking 10 and I'm going like, I'm sitting in a Speedo on their couch just like, what the fuck did I do? Like what? Like, how do I get the fuck out of this? And I'm and I'm not increase the whole time. Schallert Chris Calvin is still my friend and busting my balls.
He's like all like pointing at me. I'm like, give me the fuck out of here.
But there were really cool. They explained to me that that word was not to be used ever. I shouldn't say it what it meant, the weight of what it meant.
And then grandma gave me her story. I want to say as Grandma was there, I'm sure if Chris hears this, he'll be like my grandmother never came down to Tampa. You have a very active imagination. So but I know his I know his cousin was because we used to Spierer. She was hot as fuck.
And so and so and then we got done. I mean, and his dad then was very cool, taught me how to make peanut. So you made roasted peanuts and like brought me in the kitchen and I won't make peanuts. And so we made peanuts. And the first time I ever said the word cheese, by the way, not sure we want to keep that in the show, but.
No, but so when you got home, though, did you tell your parents or your dad it word you kept it to yourself?
It's almost like I fucked up big and you knew to keep that to yourself.
This is the first time I ever told a story, really is the first time I ever told the story, you know, that.
I mean, I wouldn't curse even in like fifth grade, fourth grade, fifth grade up in the sixth grade, really. And a neighbor was like lives across. I don't know if I want to give a shout out the way you did because you might be like, that's not a cool story.
But my what Chris Calvin's doing, I wonder if I could find them. Keep going. Yeah. Yeah. But my neighbor, uh, he and his brother were like, say fuck. And I was like, no. Like that, I just didn't curse and he was like, say it, I go out, no, I won't. So one of them put me in a chokehold and the other one put a knife to my neck. Oh, my God.
And they go say, fuck. And I was like, no, kill me.
I didn't say it. And they were like, all right, man. All right. Now, not a lot. And I was jerking off like next to this guy. Go ahead.
So that's one of these stories of our words.
This will give us an outlook is we want to use that story best one of these awkward and weird stories we're sitting. That's a good story.
Yeah, yes. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I it's very authentic because then people pull that out and they're like and they just I'm not going to offer that anyway. The whole point is we're sitting in our house and we're talking about usage of the N-word in the south. And we're just like, oh yeah, that word flew around a lot in the 70s and 80s. Like I heard it in public. I hurt like it definitely. The Wogan's was on one of my buddies, like, never said the word.
And I'm like, you've never said the word is like never said the word. I was like, you never sang it in the song.
I was like, never. I have a clean record, a clean record. And I'm like, Really? And he goes, Never. It has never come out of my mouth. And I actually believe this dude. Right? I believe this dude.
That night we go to Pat's I'm with Omar Dorsey. Tone Bell. All my all my oh all the black dudes. I hang out at Pat's. I shouldn't. Yeah, well that's where we hang out at Fox. Maybe I shouldn't say the name of the bar, but that's what we're hanging out at and we're all drinking and I pull him aside, I go, do you know this guy's never said the N-word and they're like impossible.
I go, I go. I actually believe him and they're like impossible. And he's like, no, no. I mean, and and then we start talking about something else.
And the guy says it twice to three black dudes. It says to the three, he's drunk and he's just like and he has no recollection of it, no recollection. The next night I'm going, I go. I text everyone, I go, can you believe he said he never said it that night. He said it twice to three black dudes. And he goes, I did. Absolutely did not. And I was like, you 100 percent did.
And then I tell him and he goes, Oh my God, I did. I did.
He said it casually in a bar, casually in a bar, third twice to three black guys. It was the fucking I was like almost starts going. He just said he never said it.
He just he was he was telling a story. Yeah. We're in the story. The word was used that was he in his mind. He's not saying it. Then he was just drunk and he was like he was like, I can't believe it.
I had a clean record. I had a clean run, a clean record of like a clean record. I saw it.
I believe that I saw somebody at a woman at a wedding reception hammered and she was singing it so loud, but like people were trying to shuffle her out.
And she was like, yeah. And she was just singing it.
And we were all like, oh, my God. But, you know, so out of her mind, drunk. This is a great pivot because it. Nadhum Do you know what I'm talking about? Oh, the thing that you mentioned earlier. Yeah, did you. So I don't this is this is so weird.
And I don't know if I because I'm such a huge fan of I like literally like a huge fan of T obviously eighty five s show has Taiwan.
Have you seen this. Yeah. Yeah, yeah I've seen.
OK so t I. They gave us a shout out. They give us a shout out. Here's the weird thing, and I want you to hear it and tell me you think I don't know. I don't know if we can play it, but. They're talking about Miss Pat, right? Yeah, hold on a second. Let me get this. They're talking about Miss Pat and the way T'ai refers to me as the person that Miss Pat is on a TV show with the cabin streaming right now on Netflix.
It sounds it sounds racist, but I know it's not.
But I, I now understand when someone goes, why has he got to be a black man like like right here, the way he refers to me as he's talking about Miss Pat right now.
OK. It's a little white man, but, yeah, go back and play it again.
She's actually on something else that's on Netflix. I forget what it's called. It's a little white man through the white man. Like, it just sounded it sounded like I heard it.
And I go. I go. It sounds I know it's not racist. I know.
But the way it comes off, it's like like it's like it makes me feel like a bad white person.
Oh right. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah.
The white man was like, oh I'm better than that. Yeah.
I mean he was just like. I don't know who that guy is, but it was done, I know. Yeah, I know. As a white man. Yeah, I see.
I know what you mean. I mean, he definitely didn't mean that. Like, I don't think he did it all. But I can I'll tell you what I got was I got when like when you say something and you go, oh, that's not what I meant.
There is a funny thing, though. This comes down to like just like word choice. If you say if you were to be like there was a black man, that sounds fucked up. Yeah. But if you say there was a black guy that sounds neutral, you know, I swear to God.
Did I not say that enough? I said if he said it's a white dude, I go, Oh yeah, it means he likes me. Right. If you a white man, it's just like it does. It sounds like a perpetrator. Yeah. It sounds like like who did who shot all these people at the mall. And it was a white man. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Right. That's what it is.
You know, I couldn't figure this out and I played it for Ron. And Ron goes, Oh, you're just up in your feelings because you're a fan of his and he didn't know your name.
And I was like, no, that's not, that's not it. I don't expect you to know my name at all.
But the way he said white man, it does it comes out like if you go if I said so last night, we got a knock at the door and you're like, who was it?
I go, it was a black man. You're like. Why, what the fuck, yeah, but if I go over this black dude, you know, also, I think I just did it. Like I said, it was a black dude and you're like, oh, what do you want? Yeah, it was a black man. Yeah. Yeah, it does, man.
Man feels like what you tell the police. Yeah, yeah.
There was a Hispanic man who made me feel like I'm not a good white person when he said that. Yeah.
And I think that your stories support that narrative.
By the way, I very much regret wearing this accident. I need to take care of me on this one. And obviously.
No, no, you didn't. You didn't do anything wrong. Maybe. Yeah, it's interesting because I oh, you know, this is an even better pivot time. Yeah. Yeah. Why don't we play the video that I accidentally posted on Instagram? This is going to be the episode that takes me down.
OK, I will say this. I was I moved to Florida when I was fourteen, which is, you know, you're kind of a developed yourself. What's that like, dude?
I'll because I moved from Milwaukee, which Milwaukee a lot of people don't know, is actually a very segregated city. It's the most segregated major city in America, like when they have like the percentages of people that live separate from each other, it's very segregated.
But as a teen, as someone who went to middle school and the first semester of high school there, you know, even though I'd see people in groups, you go to lunch right at the cafeteria, you know, there's Asian kids and black kids and white like kind of. But people mingled.
I didn't, like, hear the type of thing where day one in Florida, I was like, holy shit. Like, it was a very different culture where people were very openly racist.
And it was having moved from cities where people some people would laugh and snicker and say, oh, those cities have racism. Yeah, I understand that. But I'm saying as a kid, I didn't hear nearly anything like when I moved to Florida, Florida, it was it was like it was like going to prison.
Like where you hear people just opening. You were like you talk like this man. Like it was crazy. It's interesting because.
There are it's I think Florida is very classist in that in that there is a genre of Floridians that grew up there, their family grew up there, their mom and their their memories, their people, as they all grew up, their.
And in some of them have raised into power and money, but that is the backbone of the racism.
And then there's like like I want to say, like all people that moved to Florida is and I hate putting Florida in a bad light because I grew up there and I love Florida, but I just know for a fact that Florida is different. You know, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, there is like people always wonder about racism. I go, it's I don't know. I haven't been there in a while, but it's growing up. It was very segregated, like very segregated.
I mean, I went to schools, how Tallahassee was FAMU and Florida State. And there were literally was when you drove across I remember on Saturday nights, I'd have to take I drove safe, escort the cars, I'd take girls around campus and black chicks always used to call up. I remember this one girl. Can you can I get 111 was my number. There was the escort numbers. I mean, I don't know, number can get 111.
And they were like, yeah, hold on. One eleven. You got a request like who's it from is vanilla. I go fuck and I go, all right, I'll be there in a second.
She would be she would fill up my little car waiting like a car.
She would fill it up with her friends and dudes and I drive them to parties at FAMU. What is safe is what is that safe escort service to the Tallahassee Nadaf.
It's period a period f period say about scorches. Go ahead. Tallahassee say escort was it was a job I had where I walked girls. I walk girls across our female escorts, but for me, it was a safe escort, was escorting girls across campus. It was awesome.
So how'd you how'd you get in that? My buddy Cheese had a job.
Was the supervisor. And he goes, You want a job? I was like, yeah, member. And Brackin, he was 27, where a numbers he was one eight seven. I was one eleven. And and the girls knew us and like especially the boys just means that, like, you're going you're not going to rape them.
No, no. I'm going to make sure that they don't get raped.
Right. So, like, I would walk him across campus.
So a lot of times you would just walk, like primarily you were supposed to walk them across campus, but we had a car and so we would take them.
We drive them. You're just like an interesting guy to have that job. Not that I think or not that you're an assaulter. Yeah. It's just that I go like. So the party guy is your safe escort. I know, right? Like, it's just funny. I know.
It's I think it's it's like it was it was a fun fucking job because you met I mean you met tons of chicks like I mean, if I was single you could have you could have found girlfriends. But I was yeah. I was dating someone so I just had great conversations. This chick, Vanilla, she's I don't know, I wish there's no way he's going to hear this black chick lived in Dauman Hall with me my freshman year.
And so I knew her and she would hit me up. She lived and I think she lived in Devinney and she would hit me up and go send one eleven. And she knew that I knew her.
And so I I was going to break the rules. You weren't allowed to drive off campus.
And I remember I remember she was the one that introduced me to Wu Tang Clan. And they were we were driving and I was were like, what do you listen to? I was like Outkast.
And one of the dudes was was from New York. And he's like, You don't listen to Wootten. I was like, I have no idea what fucking we were talking and they started mocking me because I didn't know what butan like I do.
I have no idea what I was like. What's a Wu Tang. And they're like, what's a Wu Tang.
And like, you know, New Method Man is. So I went and bought Method Man's album and I didn't understand it like I didn't, I didn't get it. Like I didn't get what he was like. I like I'd never heard like this.
Sounds like this sounds like a board meeting at Augusta National right now about, by the way, letting in a new member.
I don't know what they got. And I know that I'm fucking my chances of of ever playing golf there. I am ruining my chances of playing golf there.
I remember you. You remember the man's first album, though.
It was confusing if you didn't know to call like that with the way you rap is like everything was like and it wasn't an album you could listen to in your car.
The Iron Lung Man.
He's just trying to catch his breath. You know, he smokes too much. Dude, I'm telling you, this is why I want to do another live gig. Yeah, I would listen to Method Man right now. Yeah, we could do that. Wu Tang Clan ain't nothing to fuck my dear. You stand heavy.
Wu Tang in rotation for that next live oh heavy worship method man on Geno Smith man swoll is famil yeah yeah.
Method man and dude I hate say also super tall.
I met him oh we met on a flight and like he waited for me. What. Yes.
How come you always get like my favorite rappers become your best friends. Yeah, yeah, Method Man today you're going to get them on the Today Show. Look at his fucking arms. He's Jacquemin. I saw deadlifting. Yeah, he's looking he is yolked jacked dude, is he dead? Shit. He did A Day in the Life on MTV, 24 hour thing on MTV that made me logit fall in love with that dude.
I was like a girl, tried to kiss him outside his tour bus and he didn't know the cameras were on him.
She was like, oh, my God, Kim, try to give me a kiss. He was like, the fuck you do and don't kiss me. He's like, I'm married. She was like, I know. And he was like, well, if you respect me, then respect my wife. And she was like, sorry. And he goes, That's cool, but just don't do that shit. And walked away. I was like, he didn't know cameras were on him.
And I was like, that's a fucking good guy. Yeah. A man and fucking.
Busta Rhymes is ridiculously big. Have you seen his arms? Dude, type in Busta Rhymes eighty five s show, I'm talking about 80 miles out, way too much. I love those guys, look at look at his arms on eighty five South Garcias, look at his fucking arms.
Yeah, they look huge. Busta Rhymes is ridiculously but there's like six times the size of the guy who is right.
Like he's a young fly do. There's a clip. I'm obsessed with their goddamn show. I love their show.
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What is it about hip hop stars that when they get older, they all fucking get huge like Dr. Dre? Yeah, I think that happens.
I think it happens to entertainers, not just rapper. Yeah, I think, like you can see, like comedians that that age some get really into your body. I think it's just like it's part of aging where you go like I'm I'm starting to naturally break down. So I want to do all I can to not have it break down.
That's so funny. And it's also like you can put a lot of energy. Like what thing about like being creative, I think, is that you have to direct energy, you know, and you can direct it into like if you're making an album or you're touring, you feel like you're putting so much into that. And maybe if you're not like in studio, you're not on tour, you go, I got to direct all this energy somewhere. And you see people like really get into their bodies at some point.
I tell you what I did, what I did, the exact opposite.
When I was 20. Seven years old, 27 years old, I have money and I was fat and I was I was and I was just the worst I'd ever been. And so I said, I'm going to put all my attention into getting myself perfect right now so that I can grab someone and get married to them and then I can just let myself fall apart. Yeah. And I was like, I got to be the best. Burt, right now there's never going to get better.
Burt, this is how you met your wife. That's how I met LeAnn as I got in the best shape I've ever been in metter. And then I was like, all right, I'm done. I got it. You the roll. Yeah. No fucking what am I gonna do?
I had met Christina after I had lost a bunch of weight, like I lost a bunch of weight in college and then. And then wait. No. So then I come out here you but you don't even remember. I got to send you stuff because we've talked about you have no recollection when I met you. Yeah. I weighed 185, 190.
No, no less fucking pictures of us. Okay. No, send me one. I'll show you weighed one eighty five. Yeah. Yes.
When I met you and that's what I how I basically met Christina and that's who she locked down.
And then I was like fuck it. I wasn't like fuck it. It was a natural decline. I cannot lose weight right now.
I like by the way, I also I also get to places where I go like yesterday, chicken breast and a salad. Right. That's it. I'm going to see if I can go ahead, get a call from a friend who says he would love to see the new place, we get a good sunset view. You want to go have some rosé? And I was like, oh, yeah. So I pour rosé into my Kool-Aid growler like three bottles so we have enough murder rosé.
And then all of a sudden I'm like, Georgia, take me to go get a burger.
And she was like, what? I was like, come on, let's go get burgers. And so we went to Jack's Jack's a burger place on tohunga. I got 12 burgers and I woke up this morning to burgers.
When I get I have this thing where I go want to make sure I'm covered, right. Yeah. So I got 12 burgers and then and then woke up this morning going, why I didn't eat yesterday.
Like why do I feel fat as fuck. And then and then all of a sudden like a serial killer I'm sure probably does. Where he goes, oh my God, this one's from that girl. There's a girl in my refrigerator.
Oh yeah. I was like, oh my God. And then I was like, oh my God, I hate Snickers bars. Last night I did a taste test between someone said they didn't like Butterfingers.
And I was like, I'm going to and I go, I love Butterfingers. And they're like, Why? And I go, I don't know.
And so I started eating Butterfingers till I figured out why I liked them. And I was like, Oh, I like the sharp saltiness that you get in a Butterfinger. I mean, every now and then you get like a like a twinge of saltiness, like too salty. And then you're like, oh, sweet, sweet, sweet. You know, it's hilarious to hear.
It's hilarious to hear. We should actually do this. We should splice you going like I cannot lose weight right now and then be like I had twelve burgers and I had I love butterfingers in the sharp sweetness.
And so like the comparison of I can't lose weight with what I ate did I did I did a sliding scale. I did a I did a what's the scale when they show Neandertal to Kromagg. Oh yeah. Yeah I did that with, with Three Musketeers, Milky Ways and Snickers bars last night. You ate all these. I started eating.
I get out of control. I know. I like an asshole. Last night too. I had to cigars. I didn't do that to cigars, a bottle of wine, some food fight.
A few burgers. I fucking Paul apartment, it's like I just need someone to stop me, yeah, I know this is my problem and everything, but this is it, right? It's like I come into this show the same way. This show is exactly representative of my life.
I come in and I go, I go, hey, there's going to be fun show.
And then also I'm telling stories about the M word. I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? And then I'm like, and then I'm sitting there going, is this show even good for me?
And then I'm like, why did I have to wear this fucking at this fucking dad?
Hmm. You said. You said the other day that. You love fucked up toenails. Oh, my God, I cannot get enough of that and dilated pores, why do you love fucked up toenails?
Do you like the one like seeing them get, like, cleaned up, cleaned up? I like I like when you see, like a foot and the guy's like and like I love my feet is killing me. And then the guy's like, what is that. And then all of a sudden you're like, you're like and then they clean him up and the guy's like, all right, we'll see in two weeks and the guy comes back in two weeks and they look normal.
I love that transition. I, I'm really into ingrown toenails and ingrown toenail removal.
Like I don't know what it is. I can't stop fucking watching it. Do you give me more than anything. They have anything with feet, for whatever reason, I'm into like feet, I remember tweeting to campaigns and I was like, Hey, can you send more pictures of your feet?
I was like, I don't know, because he runs so much. I was like, I to see these feet. I don't know, man, I'm looking I got like I'm David Gorgons, put a picture his feet up and I was like, Oh yeah, I fucked up. Oh, they're pretty aggressive. Yeah. He runs like ultramarathons. I was. I was. Yeah, yeah.
I had a dream that I look at David Goggins fucking big toe is just it's just.
Oh it's just ground in the sand. Yeah. See I don't like looking at that. I love it. Can you zoom in. Gorgons feet, galgut type in campaigns feet. I'm good. Oh, my God.
Oh, look at that. Look at that. Look at that. Look at that. Look at that. All right. Amy Goodman. No, no, no, dude, I'm I get I'm looking for, like, foot porn, not like oh no, no, no, no, no, no. There is a guy that I followed.
I used to tag them on on. I used to tag them on Instagram. Fuck, yes. Oh, dude.
Oh, dude. When you're saying come on, by the way, this really hurts. Like I've watched enough of these. This is super painful.
Holy shit man. Is there are audio on this now, ok. Oh, my God. By the way, my dad, one of the things my dad said, oh my God, I almost came. I would say this guy's got some issues right? There's a lot of a lot of people that do this is they're just old people to get like that. A lot of old men. To do dilated, pure removal, dilated paw removal.
Have you ever seen this, this will make you fucking cum dilated poor. Oh, my God, that was rough. The poor. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dr. Sandra Lee oh, is that the pimple popper lady? Yeah, she's awesome. You can play without audio. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK, let's get to the poor. Get to the. This is not a dilated paw. I think maybe it is. That's easier to watch for me than the toenail, the toenail is she's got some she's got some go find this is not the best one in my opinion. I don't like it squeezing out like the good guy. Get out of here. Get out of this one. I could do that for a living. You you could not give me a long enough day of pulling out of the airport.
God, tell this, Nadav, reach out to Dr. Standardly, see if she can give me a dilated por, find one of my paws dilated and then we remove it on a live event.
You really want to do that? I would do that in a heartbeat.
Do you wish you had a cyst right now to be without a cyst like this? Why not? I don't like it because you never know what they are. You think they're cancer the whole time? Well, let's say they're not cancer.
Yeah, but I wouldn't I don't want to test on a dilated poor.
What do we know the like. Is there any actual definition for what is the definition of dilated poor.
Let's see here. Some doctors or. Skin care professionals may try to remove the dilated paw of what Wyner.
I think you're I think just. Wow. Hold on just real quick. I want you to see what is initial search was. Yeah. What one nine S. is is one nine A.
S and the lady that got fat stubby fingers.
I missed height, but by the way, I get really protective of Nadaf when people shit on his Googling. I don't I get protective of them because I go. I go. He's doing the best he can.
Oh well we just had a conversation about it. Um. Dilated poor is just a poor that starts filling with with oil and that oil calcifies get hard, OK, and then it just starts expanding.
That poor Julianne had one on her face and she popped it in a seed, came out as when she was a kid and a hole was there.
I love this hole. I swear to God, I love this hole.
Was my favorite thing about her, because back when we first started dating and she let me do anything to her, it would fill up with dried skin or make up and she let me clean it out. Can I tell you hardcore secret time? I think she'd be bothered by this.
Yeah, one time I was about to go down on the end and she was like, I'm throwing my belly button. And I was like, huh? And I looked and I was like, oh, there's like a thing in here. And she was like, what? I was like she was like, I can't see it. I was like, hold on.
And I pulled out a rock of whatever the fuck it accumulated in her belly button.
And it was the most I mean, it was like I followed that when I fucked her.
I was like pulling that thing out of that thing out of her. I don't know what it is, man. I'm like. Would you pull out? I was like it was like a rock of like of like shit that just gathered in her belly button and gotten hard and had been there for a while and it just accumulated. She never took it out.
And then all of a sudden I removed it. And I, I think about that more often than I think about the birth of our children.
OK. Oh my God. Oh my God.
Nable stones, tiepin fucking table stones. Tiepin fucking table stones. Oh my God. Nable Stones. This is like this is. Oh my God. This is why I love this podcast. Navel stones. Navel stones. Navel stones. Navel stones. Oh. Oh, real quickly, YouTube have been able to unremovable Elstone oh, my God. Mabel St. Oh, well, there you go, extracting the biggest Mabel St.. Yes. Oh, warning this navel stones.
What the fuck is unable St.. My goodness.
Oh, shut the fuck up. Oh, that's in their belly button. That's in their fucking belly button. Holy. Something I love.
Oh my God. Oh, my God. I think I'll stick to plast photos. Oh, yes. I'm going to have to watch this by myself. Turn this off. Thanks a lot. So, yeah, we got a shout out on the Reddit, um, what's it called community here?
Uh, because we had Michael Stal.
So so we had about you called him and he texted us and was like, hey, guys, I'm really into a lot of the shit you're into, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, he, he, he gave me he gave me a shout but they gave us a shout on the last play as t t sub Reddit, which is, uh, pussy legs as Tony said, his smile. Sorry, sorry. Yes, yes. Like smile, toenails and tits. It is uh.
You know what I love about it, though? A lot of it's like regular girls that show that last night and she could not get her head around it.
Oh, my God.
And I was like I was like, oh, this is great. It's so great. And I go, you know what it is?
It's my favorite new thing. Yeah. I go to this I go to this sub. Right. And I jammed. Jimmied. Mm hmm. It's great. The I she goes, I don't get it. And I go, what do you mean you don't get it. She goes, I don't get it like this.
What's so sexy about it. I go, it's not sexy.
It's fun, it's fun. It makes, it makes it real.
Like all of a sudden like you can see their personality like like you all of a sudden as opposed to in porn where it's like my problem with porn is that it's just like, you know, and they're like, oh fuck this did fuck this pussy.
Yes. It's very manufactured.
Yeah. And missing this makes you feel more offensive. Like when I love when they caroler toenails because I go. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. That makes me believe in America.
David, tell you about the best lap dance I forgot. No, I think I might have my Deakes getting hearts. We should probably close that. Go ahead. Wait, wait.
Did we get any do we get any submissions of. Ah. Oh yeah. Yeah.
We are our own acronym for the be aired which under arm behind the ear.
But no wonder what was to be what was the beep.
What scared underwear behind the ear. Armpits. Yeah. That, that was actually pretty good.
And I have a feeling that by the way that's the angle and like as far as submissions are all going to look like these types of chicks, I didn't think it was.
I didn't think I thought maybe there would be more. Did more girls.
Uh, thank you, guys.
Oh, that's so Beeb's are getting me going, so. Beeps Yeah, very good. Oh, this is fucking fun. So best lap dance I ever got. I go. We go. We're in. We're in Iowa.
I was here, remember where we were, I called Ron, Ron knows that Ron knows the name of the club. Oh, yeah. Did he know a few people that worked there? So, Ron Ron, the best part was Ron Love strip clubs. And he goes, we're like, hey man, he always wants to go strip club with us. We go to a strip club the last night of tour. We're in a fucking forget the name of the city we're in.
We're in. Oh, by the way, never mind, and and so I pull out like a ton of money. We just had a good tour and I give everyone, Hey, you there? Yes, sir. Hey, what was what was silly?
Were we in when we were on two birds, one cape.
What city where we in when we went to that strip club where Andrew didn't want to touch the girls or we're waiting for Wayne. Okay, perfect. Oh, are you telling this story to everyone.
Are you doing it to me. Yeah.
Yeah. Doing two bears. One game. Oh my God. Here. Fort Wayne, Indiana.
All right. All right. I'll call you back. I'll talk to you later. Bye. So. So we're in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and the owner of the strip club had come to my show and he was backstage with some girls. They all come on the show. He's like, you guys come back. And we had never been to a strip club the whole time we've been on tour.
Yeah. So I was like, let's do it big, let's go big. So I go, we made good money. I go, I'll pull out some cash. Everyone's got like, you know, a thousand bucks, 500 bucks, whatever. Have fun. Let's just fucking have fun. They came up to Joe, give them money back. We had a good time so we roll in and Ron is in his element.
I mean Ron's like it's almost like watching a kid who is like watching Rick Glassman play basketball.
Yeah I. Rick. Yep. And so I'm sitting, I'm just sitting there. I kind of stopped getting lap dances for a period of time. So I was just like I didn't I didn't like the I didn't like the power energy about it. So I'm talking to the manager and one of these one girl come by, really attractive girl comes out fucking ski jacket and it's snowing out and she's like, oh my God, the fuck are you doing here?
I said, Oh, I just came to the strip club.
And she was like, Oh fuck. She was like, I'm like, I'm such a big fan. And I was like, Oh, cool, hang out. She's like, well, I just got done work. I'm going to go home. She was like, Oh my God, I would have loved to have given you a lap dance. And I was like, actually I've always had a joke about it. And I've wondered, I would love to play it out.
I said I I'm on my tour bus and I'll put some music on.
And I was at the joke.
I said I, I always thought it's never the same thing about porn. You get to a strip club and the girls already halfway naked and then all they do is like take off a top and yeah, there's no sexiness to it.
Like usually like the sexiness is getting a woman undressed. Like that's what we're into. Right.
She is in full ski clothes, like getting us clothes but full like women. Yeah. And I said, I'll tell you what, I'd like to get a lap dance from you like this. She goes, well, I don't want to go change. I want no, no, no. I want to see you take all of it off. And she went, what? I said, I had a bit about this. And I go, I'm not asking for a full lap dance, but like, if you will give me a lap dance, I will take a lap dance.
But I want you winter coat on everything, like scarf, hat, all of it. And she was like, I'll fucking do that. And I was like, let's do it. And so we go back and see. And oddly enough, we didn't even go to like a very private place. We went right. Like. Right, Reverend Wallace and.
It was fucking awesome because she was no longer and I don't mean this disrespectful, she wasn't a stripper. She was a person. Right. She wasn't like someone who was disconnect.
That came out really bad. She wasn't someone that was disconnected from her job. She was connected to who she was as a person.
Right. And so she starts taking her coat off and then she's like, oh, shit, I have an ugly Brawne. And I was like, oh, this is real. This is what it's like. And then she's like, when was this? This was the fucking a year ago. Yeah. By the way, you really do treat this like a confessional when you come in here.
You know, by the way, by the way, it gets worse. It gets worse, OK, it gets worse. But but she ended up stopped doing the lap dance because she was embarrassed and she was like, oh, my God, I can't believe that, like, this is like fucking weird. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, right. Yeah. And she was like, I'm like and it was like the sexy things, like the belt mark in her stomach from her pants.
Yeah. You're like, that's what a woman looks like. Women don't always look like glassy and like silky and. Yeah. And smell gorgeous.
Back to I plast is awesome. That's why it's the same team. Same team. Yeah.
So then last five times I get it and then I get fucking break the walls down and I start getting lap dances. Right. And so this one girl is where I end up getting a lap dance from someone else. This is like kind of a cool thing. And then towards the end of the night this one girl, the two girls come over and they're like, hey, the manager said that we need to give you a lap dance. And I was like, oh, OK.
And I just tip them. And I said, Well, I like you know, I never asked what the rules are. I've been like because, you know, there are rules when you go to a strip club and the girl goes, they said there's no rules for you.
And I was like, what? She's like, I don't know, you're famous. You can do whatever you want. I was like Peru. And again, I went, awesome, grabbed my phone and I FaceTime call it. It's like, what are you doing? I said, there's no rules. I'm going to tell my friends. I didn't have to do just anything. You didn't answer.
She's just so different than my the guy that owned the venue that I performed at and was like, hey, I own a strip club. And we went with him and we walked in and it was so sad. I can't I'm not going to say it was so sad. And he's like, hey, hey, you know, Krystal, get over here. He's like, how you doing, babe? Where she goes, I feel sick.
And and she goes, I feel sick.
I was like, oh. And then she goes, I don't know what I have. And he goes, I would love to come all over your face. And she looked at me and she went like, I don't think that's going to help.
Yeah. She was like, oh, checked out is this fucking guy. And so then I feel like I'm a rescue dog, you know, I'm like, oh, God, you need to leave.
She's like, I got to go home. And he's like, I just want to come on. I'm like this. Hey, you talk to your employees.
Yeah, I guess the me too movement hasn't reached strip clubs now and then he was like and she had and I was like, I mean, maybe when she's not sick. Yeah. Because she looks kind of worn down and she's telling us that she's sick and he's like, yeah, you want to go.
I was like, oh, I think we're good. We've had a drink and we were like, we split, you know, dude, you know, I miss that.
I miss that. There was like that's a part of like stand up comedy energy where you go to.
And there was sorry there was a girl who was on the run like the main stage and she had a jacket on. And like, I go, do they always wear jackets?
He goes, no, he's hey, why are you wearing a jacket like you spend it? And she forgot and she's like, I'm cold. Cold. Yeah. Oh, this is pretty cool.
I miss that. Like, I miss that doing radio and strippers would come in. I did one of my favorite ones I ever did was we had we had we had head one time and I had told him about Downbelow thing. And these girls, these I guess girls were going to come in and get naked to win money or whatever, you know, this back when radio could do that shit. Yeah. And then we were like I was like, how about don't let him get naked, just have him down blouses and whoever down blesses us the best.
See if you can find pictures of that type in cow head. Down, blousy. And then maybe Bert. No, it's not going to be on the podcast now, type to go, type in images, go good images. No, I can't. Was that people doing right there? Where, where, where the girl. No, that's Carmen. No, no, she definitely wasn't.
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No, but it was it was so awesome.
And it was like I think I think the older I get, the more I get attached to the subtlety of sexuality as opposed to like just like I don't know or the fascinating like like the subgenres or strip clubs don't do it the way they did when I was like eighteen.
And you're like, I'm seeing someone naked now. I want to see someone naked with like with like some English on it, you know.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Well yeah. I mean you actually have a good mind for like you. I'd never heard it down blasting to you. You knew about the plastic thing.
Like you find these examples little quicksand, little spin, little little spin on the ball. Yeah.
And that's I think from age. Right.
Like that's just like I think just being bored and going like what can I what can I find that's sexy. I've I know I've told you about the the freeze motion.
Japanese porn. Yes. Yes. That's like stuff like that was good too.
Like that was really good. Yeah.
But here's the weird thing is like I as older my daughters get, I have a real disconnect with like porn because I'm like, I don't know, I feel weird being a dad that has daughters. Yeah.
That have I had a dream last night and they're probably exposed to porn, which is so weird. Like the kids, kids of this age all have these. So like they're probably sent things to each other all the time, you know.
Do you can you imagine it is easy to get a hold of a videotape and get a VCR to see crazy and you had to have loan time when you knew no one.
Yeah. You couldn't just check your phone and go like 360 where my family had already had time to jerk off. Yeah.
It'd be like I hope my dad's on his way home. Yeah. Jesus. I can't believe I never got caught jerking off. I know. I mean I'm like I got never got caught jerking off. I never got caught.
Never. And I did it so much. Are you kidding me.
Yeah, I. I got to give a shout out in it. We were talking about this last week, the funniest thing the dogs ever said. We were talking about jerking dudes off. You remember this? And I was like, I immediately got it off. Great. But I have never jerked someone off this way. I've only done myself. Right. Yeah. So I go I'd have to get behind them and jerk them off as if I'm doing it to myself and the dog goes like you're putting on someone's tie for them.
Yeah. Let's do that. What was I just about to say.
Oh, I had a dream. I had a dream that Georgia. Started dating a 32 year old man last night, right? My dreams are pretty intense, so Georgia starts dating him.
He showed up 16.
She's 16, he lives in Philadelphia. He found her online. And he's been grooming her like like, you know, yo, like, send me some pictures, whatnot in your dreams, my dream. And I find out and she goes, you're not going to separate the two of us that I'm in love with them. And I go, God damn it, you're not in love with him. He's a fucking dirtbag and he's older.
And this is what I go, fuck. That's why I'm fighting with Georgia. And Joey Diaz calls and he goes, Dog, we pay this guy a visit. Right. This is my dream for me and Joey Diaz.
Go to a bar in Philadelphia. We walk in, Joey goes, which wasn't easy. And as we walk in, the one guy behind the bar sees us and starts to leave. I go, he knows who we are. And we go and Joey grabs him in the back and Joey breaks all his fucking fingers one by one with a hammer in this dream. And he's like, You never text Georgia Christia.
Do you understand that I will do it?
He goes, No, we're making sure you won't do it, because next time we come in, we cut your fucking fingers off. And I'm like, and I'm just watching Joey break finger my finger. And I woke up. I wanted to call Joey and thank him.
It's a very vivid dream. I'm having a hard time with being a parent of a teenager.
I actually know, by the way, I worked with somebody where this person was employed after doing some time and they were from one of the large Los Angeles gangs. Yeah. And when I was complaining about my issue with somebody, he was like, if you get like a few hundred bucks together. I know some guys that will go and break that guy's legs and everything. I was like, OK, broken femur is a game changer. Yeah, it's a game changer in life.
Your life will never be the same. Yeah. And if, like, somebody could do it under a grand, that's a great that's great value.
I'll tell you right now, there was I won't say names, but there was a there was a professional football player who was accused of rape. They went to Florida State. And, you know, I'm talking about and I thought you narrowed down a few seasons.
This podcast is so bad for a career.
I really wish that were the and I thought as a father, if someone did that to my daughters, it's game over.
And of course, I don't even need I don't even need believe all women. I don't need he said she said I don't need a court of justice.
My daughter says it happens. I cut their fingers off easy. I cut off all their fingers and I enjoy it. I take my time with it.
I really I really would be. So if someone hurt my daughters, I would be so vengeful that I couldn't control myself. I could not fucking control myself.
I think that emotion is very relatable for like all parents, all parents.
I mean, you think of the maybe Bobby Lee asked me, he goes, what would you do if I, like, killed one of your kids?
And I was like, well, I go, the fact, like you you were going to ask that I start getting creative on how I'd kill him.
I'd take him to the beach and I'd bury him up to here in a hole.
And I'd wait till the tide came in and I'd sit in a drink and I put cigarette smoke in his face and I just drink and I'd watch him die slowly.
It's a good one. I told him I would disembowel him in front of his family and watched make them eat pieces of them.
Yeah, well, that would be cool. I can't believe there's not more revenge murders. There are well, there's more of them, yeah, look, you know, there was that case a few years ago where a guy had been. I forgive who was arrested or convicted, maybe he was a he had been arrested for kidnapping and I think kidnapping and killing a kid. Yeah, and he was at the airport arriving. It was like an extradition or something.
And the the father was at the airport and he pulled out a gun and he shot him. I know. And the judge was like, yeah, we understand that there needs to be more judges like that.
Yeah. And by the way, I'm not I hope I'm not selling Kallus. I wouldn't just shoot someone, I'd want to enjoy it, I want to take my time with it like I would really I have I have sometimes I have fantasies that I come into my house and and dudes have are like breaking into my house. And then my daughters, my wife tied up and I overtake them. And my favorite saying in these in these fantasies are, oh, we're going to have a fun next month.
And I put them in a box and keep them under my bed. Every now and then I go, Oh, you didn't think this is going to happen, did you? You didn't think you've no control over your life. Like, I fucking fantasize if someone hurt my family, like, really kind of boggles my mind that there aren't more revenge murders.
I have a similar fantasy where, like I've always played out taking my time to. And so for me, it's about kind of kidnapping and putting the person basically under, you know. Yeah.
Like chloroform kind of thing. Oh, yeah.
And then when they wake up, they're tied up, you know, and they don't know where they are, they don't know what happened. But it's the person that wronged me. And then I slowly do things like cut open their quod and poor soul.
That wasn't I knew what movie you were going to. Yeah. What. No, not Dexter. You know what movie it is. It's the guy. It's not it's it's the one of the movie stars.
His family gets murdered and he goes to prison. He goes to prison and then he escapes out of prison and slowly tortures the people that hurt his family. You know what movie this is? It's it's by the guy that played. He's the Scottish guy. He's got a little bit of an accent like that, you know.
Not sure. Was it taken? No, it's not taken, well taken. Kind of take it, but like. Taken together, no, it's a maybe it's the guy. Who's the who's the movie star that was in like three hundred, was that that guy, Gerard Butler. Gerard Butler, Toby is Gerard Butler in Gerard Butler movies. And then let's see what movies there are. And I guarantee you it's him. I just want to say it's certainly him.
OK, that's the guys, Gerard Butler, go, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, keep those kids. Stop expanding them. A law abiding citizen, law abiding citizen with Jamie Foxx, yeah, Lobbi, that's the one.
Have you seen the scene where he he tortures the guy, he first cuts off his eyelids and goes and then has a mirror and he goes, I want you to see all of this. Yeah.
Oh, that's what I do like. Oh, look at this.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the kind of thing you torture scene. Yeah. I would definitely do that, I would definitely like I'm actually shocked. I'm really I'm stunned that really, Heidi, isn't run this way, you could do that thing to her, like, because I figure, you know, take like an electric drill and just, like, jab it in someone's knee or their foot.
And then they're screaming and they pass out and you give them adrenaline to wake up. Yeah, you could.
I'll tell you what. Let's make a deal right now, OK?
If anything happens to our families, we have to do this. Someone. Yeah. We help each other out. Yeah, definitely. I would I would help you out in a heartbeat. And then when we got arrested, I went to prison.
I'd be in a cell with you going, we did the right thing.
Yeah, we do everything that's you got to put a sign out. You got to put a sign in front of your house, let everyone know. Do you hurt my family? I hurt everyone in your fashion.
Like, if you just make an incision, like, right by the ear and you peel the skin off like you're peeling an orange off of someone's face, I cover them and dilated pores. Yeah. And I just remove dilated pores every day from their body. And then my dilated poor they pick Rueter. Hey what, what, what was I just thinking.
And then you go like, oh I didn't know you wanted to transition to being a woman to the guy. And I was like, oh I can hear you.
Was this your tongue? Yeah. We hate your tongue. I'm so sorry. I'll remove your testicles for you. Yeah, I am. Yeah, I'm more I'm getting more and more attached. That sounds horrible to my family.
Like I know that I should have been that way my whole life. But like I think as more the closer my daughters want to leave, the more I'm trying to get everyone to stay and not go anywhere. And I just I'm not like like George got in a car accident and the dude that hit her, some guy ran and she got in the car right away.
Like a week someone be rear ended her, rear ended her and then the guy got in her face and like was like it's like started fucking yelling at her and she was in his corner. And dude, if it wasn't for some guy at the laundromat, older black dude comes out and was like, get the fuck out of her face and fucking protected Georgia. And Georgia was like, thank you. And then and then she was like, and then Georgia just, you know, left.
And I go, did you you thank the guy? And she was like, I don't know, so scared.
And so and then the other day we're going I'm driving to the laundromat with her and see if you can find the guy. I want to go and thank him and give him like a hundred bucks, you know, and be like, hey man, thanks. I think he works at a laundromat, but a fucking driving with that kid is a nightmare. So she driving again or.
No, she's driving again and has no sense of direction. Meaning like like doesn't know like like we, we got to a big fight about it but like.
Just pulls out. I actually got in a fight with the man about this, so she pulls out and she's like, I'm just going to take a left and go. Hold on. You have to cross two lanes of traffic. It's a four lane highway. You're not going to it's easier maybe just to not cross traffic like that where you don't have a light. It's easier to find light.
She goes, Mom does it. And I go, yeah. Mom grew up in a fucking town without a donkey and a fucking stoplight. Yeah. So she doesn't have she has no frame of reference.
But if you grew up in a city, you normally go to the lights and she goes, that's not true. And then LeAnn jumps in, she goes, you can cross.
It's fine. You just wait your turn and I go, why invite a massive accident into your life when you could just go to the light and then turn at the light? And she was like, huh? And I was like, am I crazy? Like, why the fuck? Yeah. Why wouldn't you and the like ain't gonna get in an accident.
I go tell that to the person to get fucking t boned at 40 miles per hour.
Yeah. By the way, by the way, Leon drove my bike last night.
Yeah. And it's a little tall for her and I'm not lying when I say she takes it up, she's having a blast, takes it back and then as she gets up to me, she dives off of it.
She drove off the fucking bike, why, she was like, I couldn't get my feet down, so she drove, oh, thank God I caught the bike, she literally Tom and I just went and dove off the fucking bike.
I was like, what? And she goes, I know you think I was being dramatic, I can't touch my feet. I was like, you dove into the street, you dove onto the street like a fucking really hurt yourself.
You know, she dove fucking. She's so frustrated about our birthday present game, she is because I started Googling things I was going to buy. And she's like, first of all, we're not buying that. I was like, we're not buying it for you or buying it for Tom.
She was like, hold on, hold on. She was so excited.
Can I tell you this is what she's upset with? Because I know, you know, we're going to spend more money on each other the next time she goes here. And I said, so if I spend 20 grand on his next birthday, then in November, I'm getting some 25 grand, like he's getting that back. And she was like, that's not the way to think about this.
She could just do better than he did. I go or I can step up the game and make this escalate really quickly. Yeah.
Until the point where he's like, I got you a jet fok like this needs to be. I'm telling you, we need to make good we need to make a website. We need to make a website where we can team up dudes who buy each other presents. Why don't they have a tinder for friends.
Let's quit Tinder for friends, let's create Tinder for friends. OK, were you. Well, I guess you could use Tinder and just not fuck them, huh? Yeah, but I mean, they're trying to get you to fuck, you know, I guess ultimately we'd end up people would end up fucking. Yeah.
Like, they always end up fucking out, like I thought we were going to hang out on on the front end and he fucked me.
Fuck me. Yeah. By the way, we got totally distracted way earlier from what you were going to talk about, which was which was the flag.
Oh, this is by the way, this is me. This show should be called Bert Cancels Himself.
But just like, what is the scenario? I just thought you sent this in a text and I was like, what are you what is this?
This is your living room. Yeah, this is our living room.
And so for people listening, you see that you're in the living room or sitting on a chair. There's couches, there's bookshelves. Then there's your main focus goes to that. There's television and there's a football game on. And then underneath that, an enormous make America great. Trump Twenty twenty flag promises kept promises made promises.
Right. And that's that's in your living room.
Prominently displayed above the PowerPoint, above your fireplace as if we're waiting for Santa Claus. Right.
And it's like obviously you go, OK, this is a big Trump fans home.
And then I just didn't know. And you're like, let's talk about it.
So what's the story? So I got I got fucking lit up by everyone. I didn't even notice.
Oh, yeah. I posted on Instagram stories forgetting that that Trump flag was there. I, I am just like the Cowboys and the Steelers and how the spread wasn't being covered. I was losing money on that and I forgot I put the flag up. So we were we were in Arizona doing hot summer nights tour and there were Trump flags everywhere. And and but I could not find a place to buy one. I wanted to buy one because I just wanted to buy one I want.
And Ron is not very against Trump. By the way, Ron, I'm not going to tell you my politics. Ron, is very against Trump, very against Trump. I'm not going to tell you my politics, but I will tell you, I did not vote for Donald Trump. OK, so just so everyone's clear.
But for I'm a comedian, I don't give a fuck about any of this. My thing is the joke. I just want to giggle about stuff. So like we had an incident where Trump supporters were on the corner in Arizona. Do you see this? And you told me this and I started honking towards them and like and then they started cheering and then we started laughing, going like, oh, they think I'm big Trump. And then Ron jumped.
He was taking a piss with a stoplight. He jumps back in the seat and he starts honking and they start going nuts. And Ron's like, Oh, yeah. And then he doesn't realize he's honking at Trump supporters and they see a black man driving a shirtless man's bus. And they're like he's like, fuck you like out the window. And we're like, easy, Ron. And then a big fucking riot almost ensued. So we got so we did a show in Arizona.
And I said, I, I kept saying, you guys all have Trump flags, but you cannot see where they sell them. I don't see a place to buy them. You can't come in at Walmart or Target like where are you guys getting their Trump flags. And so and then a little back and forth of me and the audience went on that was that I will not engage about that was because it was right before the election. And then and then this dude came up and he was like, man, I got you Trump flag, like up to the front at the end of the show.
And I grabbed it and I was it, as I put it in the bus, were right behind Ron. And Ron's like, fucking hell no. And he's like, we're getting rid of that flag right now. And so I had to hide it so I could keep pulling it out to fuck with Ron.
Yeah, my daughters are despite their their unintelligence or or unentitled about anything politics. They are very politically motivated. They are they have big, broad views on the world and they're fucking dialed in.
Now, the routines in 14 to 16. Lee-Anne and I both applaud their passion. But, you know, whatever it doesn't, they're not going to get to vote.
So but they are very anti Donald Trump, very anti.
So, OK, the last thing we do is I come home from tour on Sunday, I think. And the last thing I'm gonna do with this flag is I'm going to put it up on our front yard, but I can't. So the girls come home and they see a Trump flag in our front yard. But I can't get our fucking I can't flip out our American flag pole with the thing and they're coming home. So I panic. So I run in and I put it on our mantle.
A big trump. Twenty, twenty, sign the flag and the girls.
This is great, by the way. Just Dad in the home. Fun. Yes.
This is exactly what you before. This is everything.
So I, I get the fucking ring cam set up. I'm going to record it. So like the nest cam and the girls come in and lose their shit.
By the way, they already know I've not voted for Donald Trump I think. Right. No, no, no. She hasn't even come out yet. No way. It is everyday. Right. I mean, this was Sunday. This was Sunday. And so. So, yeah. Yeah. Come back. And so so they already know that I didn't vote for Donald Trump, but they see the sign and they get fucking livid.
Like George goes to a room to talk to me. I was like, Dad, take that down. We need to burn that flag. I'm like, we're not burning any flag. First of all, this thing's fucking comic gold. I'm going to hold onto this for the rest of my goddamn life.
And so. And so they all leave and I start talking to LeAnn, and then I started having a drink and then I start watching football and I forget that the Trump flags up totally forget.
And then I go, fucking cowboys aren't covering the goddamn spread.
And I shoot the video and then I post it. And all of these jokes are now gone. And I have divided my fan base in half.
I am getting destroyed by people and I'm like, what the fuck are they?
I'm going Twitter. I'm like, what the fuck is that? Oh my God. And then I'm like, oh my God, the trump stop. I'm doing videos with Trump flags everywhere. It's like the time. OK, and I have another confession to make. We were in Alabama. I needed a hat and she put on to make America great again hat. And I said, we're definitely buying that. OK, and so we shot videos with Island is Make America Great.
She didn't know what that meant at all. She was like twelve and one time you remember one time I was face timing with you and that hat is up by our door and I go, you know, what the fuck is behind you? And I know what he's talking about. You're like behind you.
And I went, Oh, that's what makes America great.
And I understand that this is super fucking loaded with people in this world right now.
I feel like it's so divided. It's really crazy, so divided. But my my goal is to just giggle.
I just want to make I like I don't I don't really give a fuck about any that put man just play the video and you can see that it's like it.
You can't even tell you can't even tell that I like just listen to it.
I literally I'm just it is the fucking ultimate like troll without ever planning to troll it. Yeah. Yeah. Let me tell you something. I'm rooting for Pittsburgh to stay undefeated. I bet on Pittsburgh. I bet on. But when they don't cover the spread like this is how mean beat them.
Dallas didn't know you were doing it. Did not realize that.
Seriously, I swear to you on the life of both of my children, really, I had no fucking clue that fucking not so prominent.
It looks like you're the most devout donor. Oh, it's so prominent. It's right there. Amam people. Some people are like, good on you, Burt. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Way to fucking let let Hollywood know who the fuck you are. Yeah. I was like, oh, easy buddy.
I don't think you know who I am.
So sorry to the everything like they're still all right now as this is like playing out but like people take anything you say or do. I got the same thing where it's like encouraging or people were like thought you were different man. Yeah. It's not surprise. OK, all right. But this one girl was like, this is outrageous.
And then I like how to demur and be like and a follower then Demmer and be like, yo, just so you know, like I had to explain it to an attack.
And then I was like, I'm not going I'm not going to explain this to her.
But by the way, if I really bums me out that that's where our country is right now. That is I go, hey, I support. So I and everyone's like, well, then I can't trust you fake media. And you're like, hold on. Or if you go, I support Joe Jorgensen, who the fuck votes for Joe Jorgensen knows will not vote.
It's a wasted vote. So you. The birthday, if you vote for Kanye, is seriously like your pieces. I think they should actually take those people aside and go, hey, you guys going to a prison for a year?
Yeah, like, that was really stupid what you did. And we're sending Kanye with you and we're sitting here with you.
Yeah, I think we just lost our chance of getting this has been a very volatile hot button episode. I wouldn't be shocked if this was this got Tim Tim Dylan numbers. I really appreciate you. Let me back on the show. It's been fun.
And I apologize for all the things I did about the dog.
And it's always good.
Have someone hit me up, they're like, hey, man, when are you going to be on to Barebone Cave again? Again, I was like, I'm on it all the time. You missed what?
You missed two episodes, man. I missed three. Three. Yeah, but you've been you're the only guy just before I met him is for me the only guy who's been on tour.
Um, like I did one with LeAnn Memorability. One with Tim Kennedy or Tim Dylan. Yeah. And one with Ryan Cycler. Oh you're right. So it's four. That's four in.
But I think it's only fair is to have our fans raped who did best out of those four substitutes, that's fine to me. Yeah, who you wanted in the YouTube comments.
I can do it on with this episode. I'm saying. Yeah. And this episode. Tell us who you think did best. Lee-Anne. Krischer. Yeah. Which was the best Gaspare of the lockdown. Lee-Anne, Tim Dillon, Bobby Lee, Bobby Lee and Brian Sector. It's interesting.
I have my notes.
I won't watch them because I can also tell us sorry, you can email at two bears', one cave at Gmail dot com and just put best Gaspare in the subject line. Today I put on Twitter.
You can't watch. I can't watch them. I get jealous. Really? Yeah. I don't know, I'm weird, I at least I'm honest about it, here's the biggest problem with me is I'm super honest and I think it fucks I'm not good at like I wish I could be like like have like a.
Like a PR presence, you know, like I do fucking I did an interview for the good one. Have you heard of that podcast with Volter? It's actually a really great podcast.
Really? Yeah, it's a really great podcast. You take one of your jokes and you take one of your jokes and then you break down how you wrote it and and how you arrived at the WHO who hosts this.
I goddammit Jamie my just tweeted and texted them today. Jane, I've heard of this actually.
I'll tell you who was. By the way, I just posted on Twitter, if the vaccine comes out in December, will you take it or wait for it to see if it gives people tale's Jesse? David Fox hosts it and everyone is saying, I'm not going to take it that no. Well, here's the thing, man.
Bill Gates and his friends are just trying to control us and get us sick and make more money. And that's one of the main reasons.
Not only am I going to take that vaccine, but any vaccine, by the way, anti vaccines are like this is their this is their moment, their 9/11. See you guys go for it.
You're going to be autistic, are you? Yeah. What if we all get the vaccine and we all turn autistic? Whatever empty are like, looked like all around the world will be, I mean, you know, possibly talking about a few hundred million doses going out like that, you know, do you what do you do? Do you wait a year? No.
You can take it. Yes. Really? Yes. Yes, dude, what have you. What if you do like you do when when you do like a ghost shot of it, you know, like I'll take it and you don't take it.
Like, I'll take it. Really? Yeah. Would you give it to your kids? Sure. Really? Sure. Really. If it's like I'm not talking about like, something you made at the house.
But like if if, you know, this is a approved and it's gone through all the like nothing that's been like, oh, this is a rushed version of this, but this is like an approved and tested, uh, vaccine.
And like doctors are, you know, my doctors I'm not like talking about like some guy on Twitter who's like, let me break it down for you.
It's like I think I think I'll talk to these infectious disease doctors.
Yeah, I'm listening to people on Twitter, break down the vaccine and the like. Are you you talk to like infectious disease doctors and they'll tell you because there are if it's like if it's a if it's a vaccine where doctors are split, that lets you know what you need to know. Right. That's if there's literally a split in the medical community about the effectiveness of it or the safety of it, you know, it's not ready.
But if they're saying like this is, you know, um, ready for public consumption and it's effective in the Pfizer one, they said it was like 90 percent effective, 90 percent effective. I mean, why would you would you not take that?
I was thinking. I was thinking, yeah, hold up, see what happens. How long sit back in the cup for six months, six months, growing a tail. Just see if, like, seem like there's I don't know. I mean, ultimately, I guess the here's the deal.
So I can't listen to the dummies on social. You go your parents will definitely take it because then because I mean, not to be crass, but they've got 20 more years maybe, you know, not 20.
Yeah, but 20 on my mother and eight and so. Yeah. So like they'll tell you because what are the side effects of who gives a fuck. I get to go live a solid five years. You have to worry about getting this fucking disease that is murdering my generation. Yeah. And then. And then. And then me I go I don't know what if. Yeah. I mean I'm scared.
I'm scared to take I'm scared to take everything like like you don't get vaccines. I get vaccines. But I like I got the flu shot before we went on tour and then I got the flu. What about your girls. You give them back, they take they got all vaccine. Yeah. Yeah I.
You fell for it dummy. Yeah. What about you guys in the booth. Would you take the vaccine. Yeah. Yeah I would definitely take it. Other guys.
Chris. Yeah of course I take it yeah. I might just invite Ari to my house and have him slip it to me that way. I feel better about taking it.
I'm like, God damn it, I guess I got vaccinated. Oh my God. What did we not cover on today's episode?
Well, um, we got some good race discussions, some sex stuff, some porn stuff, some gross stuff, some political stuff.
This is a real fucking this is a smorgasbord.
Yeah. You basically came in, you said I'm no fucking guest host and you came here.
Drop the hammer on it. Try to ruin your career. That quickfire seigler. All right. Well, this was fun.
Um, we're going to be we're going to be competing in some stuff coming up. We keep working out details. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Privately, we'll announce it soon, but it'll be fun. Logotype, I'm we're we're going to try to figure out another time to do another live one.
I love that live one real figure. I really love that. Like that was the most fun and people loved it. It was great.
Man, if you missed the live one, people have asked you go to, uh, Tomsula Dotcom or Wireman studio. What is it? Reynolds Page. Yeah, Reynolds Tomsky dot com slash rentals. And it has the the other lives that we did. And this, um, the two bears one and then we're doing well. IMH live number three on November 20th. So if you have not gotten tickets, are you doing a Thanksgiving on.
Well it's the week before so yeah. It's for, it's for the week of Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a twenty six. So this will come out the twentieth. It's available through the twenty ninth with a ticket. And we have Danny Brown, Mark Rabieh doing original music.
Rabieh Oh by the way I saw him, my sister Marie saw him on your mark maybe is a really interesting dude, talented guy. Really fucking talented. Yeah he did. He did those driving. Yeah he did same same as me.
He but he shows, I think he shows a six show.
I think it's, I think it's actually the like I heard him talking about it and going like yeah it works you know. But I think, I think he has an advantage because he's so different than what. And it's such a live event.
It is. And he actually set up a phone line on stage phone line.
I think if I'm not mistaken, I don't want to. I think he did his show from inside a green room, inside a green room screen on the on the stage. Yeah, yeah. That guy is fucking like we talked about this last episode, but I fucking really I'm I'm cool. And he's kind of oddly muscular. Yeah. He's got like an ego in the gray look, if you know what I mean.
I see what you mean. I bet he has got a hog on him. Yeah.
If you can get more credibility, show his dick on on your looks like.
Oh he does have a hog on him. Yeah.
How the fuck did these guys all have big dicks.
Like if you look at like the way cultures should go, us meatheads, we should, we should really be dicks and we don't.
Yeah. Mark. Yeah. He's got a hog on him I guarantee it. It's crazy that what are you Googling with Tom Sagara? Oh, yeah, because people were pointing out mine kept talking about my dick, where I went from this video, like this promo, I might play it.
Let me see it. You can hear it. Yeah, you can do.
For this is I watch this, but you go like go full screen the. Why image virtual dotcom is the place to do is an entirely live show experience is not. That is fucking hilarious.
I guess I forgot that it was you didn't have your your short shorts on. Yeah. Hold it up. I do that sometimes. Yeah. I was just everybody was like, you know, you're the hog on you, huh.
So it is anyways, um, this was fun.
I love you. So you guys, we'll talk to you soon. I love you too.
Bye bye. Tom. Tom. And one goes gobstoppers while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in bird snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call there's. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humour, no apologies. Here's what we call so there's one case.