2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Ep. 38 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

On this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer discuss Bert's recent drive-in movie theater tour, wiping barehanded, and Bert's foot race with his tour bus driver, Ron. Bert also reveals that he has started eating ice cream. A lot of ice cream. Tom and Bert then look at a Amazon review for Kool-Aid written by a fan, and Tom reveals new Kool-Aid inspired merch!

00:00:00
I think dogs that I'm smiling said she was like, what I got patted so much better than being let's start the show.
00:00:11
This is where no one came in. Looking good. Looking good. He's Krischer. I'm I just put the pedal to the metal. There's a perfect way to start on the show. About 12 years in the making. It's going to be a fucking shit show. Not everyone is going to get a hundred percent.
00:00:43
Welcome back. Oh, you motherfucker.
00:00:46
It's so good to be back. It's so good to be jealous. I'm super jealous. Really. Honestly, I'm most jealous that you got to do standup.
00:00:54
I have a long time, you know, you don't.
00:00:57
You know what's crazy is what I'll tell you the the coolest thing about being back on stage is all the fucked up thoughts that we've been having while in quarantine that you're afraid to tweet because you're afraid it's going to come out wrong. Yeah. You get to just take them on stage and you forgot, oh, this is the medium I work at. It is so much fun. Do you remember the Confederate statues joke? I told you that we edited it out.
00:01:20
Forget it. Yeah. I hope we edited out the I got it to work on stage and it's just you just got to work in a couple of times and try it. Yeah.
00:01:27
And yours your joke or something like we should put them all back to the best guys. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Something like that.
00:01:34
But you forgot the fun, the danger. Like nothing's changed. So much has changed online with cancer culture. Yeah. And everyone attacking everyone that you're going to the clubs you're going to drive in movie theaters and you are like, oh nothing's changed at all.
00:01:50
Or everyone us.
00:01:51
OK, what was your first show? Was it Phoenix. Phoenix. Now you said shaky legs, right. Hardcore how. What were you stumbling through. Stuff and forgetting stuff.
00:02:00
So then I got dropped the joke and I like was a good article, you know, for one of the, one of the jokes that I'm like, all right, what's next? As opposed to, you know, I mean, you know, the feeling when you're every comic knows this and this is just for comics. Really? Yeah. Sometimes when you're like a third of the way through the joke, you'll you'll be thinking about your next joke and your amet, you'll be kind of thrown in tags for your next joke or working on your next joke as you're finishing this joke, or at least or you'll be so in the moment that you'll be thinking of how do I get this joke different?
00:02:31
How do I rewrite this joke?
00:02:33
None of that was happening. My brain was scrambling. It looked like a secretary with her hair up in a bun and pencils in it with papers all everywhere going like, how do I. OK, hold on. Yeah, we got a big, big, big black dick. How do we get out of this. That's the joke.
00:02:47
The joke is good. It's good. It's good. Said it was due to was so much fun. That first show. A scary second show. I went up, I had a beer. I never drink before I go on stage. I had a beer and and it was it was fucking fun.
00:03:02
And by the time I did my last club shows in Salt Lake City.
00:03:06
Yeah. Oh bro, you're on. I went. I did I record. I did the full. I did I think an hour and 40 and I, I the first. Thirty minutes was just all improv, just, you know, where you're really in the moment and you're writing and you and I and I, I kept thinking, I'm not getting this again. I'm not getting it again ever for a year. I won't go back to clubs, probably.
00:03:29
Right. But but those theaters, those type of movie theaters are such a crazy experience.
00:03:35
That is I mean, that's so cool. My people won't have that experience. I told you, man, I really want you to do it because I want to do something with you because I think you had it. Would you would be. Overwhelmed by it, it feels like this is obvious, everyone knows I speak in hyperbole, but it feels like you're it feels better than just doing a theater. When you're doing theater, you walk onstage, you see the people sometimes like Chicago Theatre.
00:04:02
We're like, wow, this is crazy, you know? And then some theaters, you're like, oh, nice. You know, some theaters are ugly as fuck. And you're just like, oh, I feel like I'm doing a TED talk. Yeah. Some theaters are overwhelming where you're like like the beacon. You're like, oh shit. This is the beacon in New York. Yeah, sounds crazy. You go to a drive in movie theater in Tulsa.
00:04:21
You're in Tulsa not to shit on Tulsa, but it is Tulsa and you're like, holy fuck, man, this is amazing.
00:04:29
You see, every it's a different way to see what are the headlights on on the car, you know, throws off everything.
00:04:36
I've heard other comedians trash drive in movie theaters. I've heard a lot now recently. Yeah.
00:04:42
Starting with Chappelle, who I don't think he wasn't trashing it, but he was just like he was like, that's just not for me. They hung throughout your jokes and you flick your light. That's not that doesn't happen. I maybe that would happen for comedians. Yeah. Dead silent listening. Where are they sitting and everyone's. Oh, they set up couches, they set up inflatable mattresses. They fill up their trunk beds with their truck beds, with with recliners.
00:05:07
And I mean, it really is a full production. They're tailgating. Let me let me just pitch to you this way. Doors open around seven, six thirty seven. Shodan start till nine, right? Yeah. So everyone pulls in and get set up. They start grilling. They set up their cocktails.
00:05:20
They got you know, they're doing shots. It's just fucking out of this world.
00:05:24
They're setting up huge, like the tall football to the fucking cornhole toss. It's tailgating, it's legit tailgating.
00:05:31
And it's not because you're like glowing. It's one of the coolest experiences I've ever had because you go from being in quarantine to releasing a special being in quarantine and going, did anyone watch it? What's happened with my career? I'm lost. Am I ever going to do stand up again? What's going to happen with our country to going to this where people are showing up and they're like and like I would they're surrounded the Boston like if you stick your head out, everyone's taking pictures.
00:05:55
And and then it was like so much fun. Everyone's tailgating, everyone's having a blast and then the sun. And every night we've got a gorgeous sunset. So all of a sudden you got two thousand people in the lot watching a beautiful sunset together, having drinks, sun goes down, show stars, everyone starts cheering like going crazy. They're perfectly great audience members like meaning big laughs and they're laughing. You're in a quarry and they're laughing on top of you.
00:06:25
Yeah. You definitely feel the pops if you're good. Coming back on it can be rough, but I'm not gonna lie. But if you're a good comic, like if you if you can hold your weight as a comic, you would love this.
00:06:35
Yeah. Because a good part of a joke, a good snap, a good punch line and you feel thunders of it.
00:06:41
And then and then the I mean my favorite without a doubt is you say thank you, good night. And everyone hops in their cars and they flick their headlights and hit their horns. Dude in Indianapolis set up a firework show in the fucking back.
00:06:54
Really fireworks start going up and I'm like, oh, I'm getting chill bumps telling me about it. First of all, it's goose bumps. But secondly, it's it's it's so like what you're describing is how if you had never done this, how I would describe the perfect setting for you.
00:07:13
If someone was like, what is I be like? Are people grilling or are they drinking their fucking football being tossed out?
00:07:19
Guys are filling up their truck with water. Yeah, they're like I said, did anybody call you out for smelling bad or fucking dog?
00:07:27
Oh yeah.
00:07:27
So that's so, so, so we do. So there's no heckling.
00:07:33
There's no like no heckling. But you can't even even if there was like people say stuff like we love you or whatever, but that's fine. But so the show they flick their headlights. Yeah. We had a guest set. He usually come in, John Reep came in, Miss Pat came at Miss Pat was like, this is some white boy shit. Yeah. She must have. She was like, this is fucking bizarre. So then you get done and like me and Miss Pat get in the golf cart, I stand on the back, she sits in it and as everyone exits, you just do your meet and greet.
00:08:02
And so everyone's in the car leaving. Right. So you're keeping your distance because it's quarantine and you're staying within like five feet from the cars by ten feet, really, and just driving around going, hey, thank you for coming out.
00:08:13
And people are like, oh, this is you know, a lot of people are just saying thank you. It just because. Yeah, it's I think a lot of people are grateful that you're giving them an opportunity for entertainment and safe. Right. I keep saying, you know, your people are going to live however they want to live. You go to clubs. Some clubs were very socially just and some clubs did it right. Some clubs did not.
00:08:30
And that's just the truth. I don't want to candy coat anything. I want to keep everything 100 percent honest sometimes were not. It was difficult for some clubs because they see people and then people would sit whatever the fuck they wanted to. Sure. So you'd see them in the back to see them social doesn't like let's move forward. And then you look can you be like, why is everyone. You can't help it, you really can't help it.
00:08:50
I don't know what to say pro or con for that, but I know on stage they would tape off an area so that you were five feet from where the tape was from where the audience was. Yeah. And I always stayed up against the wall. I just I'm very obsessive compulsive about that. And halfway through the tour, I was laying in bed one morning and my air conditioners blowing on my nose, my nose is clogged up. I was like, oh, I coronavirus.
00:09:14
And I was like, and then and because my nose is all clogged up and I go, I had a real moment. I said, is this worth it? Like, is it worth it? Like that I'm getting either I just got coronavirus like I'm in the middle of the country and now I'm going to infect my whole like and then I got up, blew my nose. I'm like, I'm fine, you know, you shut the fuck up.
00:09:33
Like we were 100 percent safe. As I say, you could be had a mask on everywhere and walk in the back door of the club into the green room. No contact would come to the door, take our order service. Leave the door. No, never come in and hang out with us. Never talk to us. We were by ourselves. You do your show, come in and then exit through the back every time. Go right to the bus every time.
00:09:56
It was from the bus to the club, from club to the bus. And then second we got in the bus. Rahm would be there. We take off to the next city. It was not a lot of like.
00:10:04
So we might go back to your your meet and greet on the golf cart you're driving by. It's fucking amazing. So we're in the golf cart. The first time we did it, I guess, was maybe Indianapolis.
00:10:14
We didn't do it in North Carolina, maybe Indianapolis and. Yeah, and it was we just did it on a spur. I had to get from from the stage back to the tour bus. Yeah. And we started driving and people are losing their fucking minds and they were like, oh, what are you doing? And then you're like, oh fuck. Yeah, everyone knows me for a meet and greet. I love meet and greet. I love saying thank you.
00:10:34
So we just did it.
00:10:34
We just went through the traffic and it was you smell like shit, you fucked dogs and poor Pat's like, what the fuck a pat.
00:10:43
He's not racist. And she goes, I know motherfucker. You know, he fucks dogs though. And she's like, oh fuck. I'm like, Cat. Let him say I fuck dog. She's like, you got locked up, you know where Pat was like got out. What the fuck are they talking about? I was like, I fucked dogs.
00:10:59
And I'm like I said, she was like when I got patted so much better than being racist at all bad.
00:11:10
She's like, bitch, I know now it was so awesome.
00:11:13
I can't really talk to sinecures because I think that when we started talking about it possible it would be. And there are so many cool ones and it's not about like it's not about a big payday. It's about getting out. I want to do stand up. I was supposed to do stand up this weekend. I know San Diego and. Yeah, well, they everybody I heard. Were you at the comedy club.
00:11:37
I was going to the club half capacity. It was all, you know, ready to go. And then they were like, hey, you know, there's a spike in this. And I was like, look, I don't want to. It's not it's definitely I'll tell you right now.
00:11:48
Is it worth it? Now, here's what I'll say.
00:11:51
Because I've heard I've heard a lot of I've heard a lot of kind of going back and forth on line between certain comics and certain comics write certain comics are finger pointing to other comics that they're the problem. And then other comics and by the way, really good comics and really good people. Now, I'm I'm not just talking about the obvious ones, but like a lot of comics are doing spots. A lot of comics are doing clubs. I will tell you that you go into the clubs and they are like tearfully grateful that you're there because they're all losing their clubs and they're all losing their clubs there.
00:12:26
It the staff was like in tears. Every show you did, the staff was like, you have no idea. You just saved my life. The staff that I'm and this is a little sappy, but like the staff I had. So for the drive ins are a little complicated. I have to travel with a production crew as well that I pay for. So I travel the production crew to set the stage film the show so they can go on the drive ins.
00:12:50
So these are all like production people. Every single one of them took a solid fucking minute out of their day at one point throughout this thing, socially distant because they're all in masks and gloves the whole time. Yeah. And they were like, hey, I just want to thank you. Like, I'm not losing my house now, like like people need to work. And that is what half of America is saying, is that you can't stop me from working.
00:13:14
And then some people in Hollywood are like, no, you're spreading the virus. Some people everywhere all over the country. So there is it is a weird juxtaposition of going like I definitely don't want to bring people together to get people sick at all. That is not mine. And when you went into clubs where it was oversold, I was definitely frustrated and a little upset going, I had a deal with you. And then you look sometimes and they're just like, hey, man, we're fucking losing our ass.
00:13:39
We're just trying to keep our head above water. Yeah, it's a weird and you're not going to stop an American. An American is going to do what the fuck they want to do. And a lot of people do not respect this virus. That is the truth.
00:13:48
That's the truth. And I'm really sympathetic to people who, you know, we all need to work like we all need to work.
00:13:56
So there are comics losing their houses right now. They're comics losing their apartments, their comics with overheads that that they can't afford. And not I'm not saying like frivolous overheads. There are comics that are supporting their mom or supporting a loved one because they were making money at a certain time and they're losing what they have. And I think they should work, too.
00:14:15
I'm telling you, I just wish I could figure out a way to make this. Make this drive a movie theater more cost effective, because I could I could set up a fucking tour for everyone and just go, let's let's bring everyone on the road. Let's make everyone money. Let's get everyone back on the floor. I wish I wish that. And listen, the clubs are fucking clubs are so much more fun than the Drive-Ins.
00:14:41
Yeah. I mean, like meaning standup wise to be that intimate with like I'll tell you, Des Moines at least at least Leesha did it perfect. She pulled out all the fucking tables and then place them socially just and it was probably the best one I'd done Birmingham. Everyone was great. I'm not shitting on anyone, but I'll just tell you, the ones that stood out. Do you do Huntsman stardom or stardom? Stardom. I walked in. I was like Alabama.
00:15:05
If anyone was going to be sitting on each other's shoulders, I thought maybe you fucking animals. Yeah. And they were like, Now, bro, now and now they were wearing masks, taking people's temperatures. Like, that was the good one. Like we did Oklahoma City. They took everyone's temperature going in. And you're like, oh, that makes me feel comfortable. Yeah. You know, like so there are ways to do it if you follow the rules.
00:15:27
And I got to be honest with you, if you're comic and this is the end of this, we won't need to if you're comic, you need to dictate to the club how you want it to be handled. And this is this. This is what you want. You want that first row seats pulled out entirely and pushed back. So it's the second row seats. You want them if they can remove tables and more importantly, whether you want that path to the stage to be widened because you cannot stop just lunatic's from just jumping out of their seat.
00:15:54
And I was in San Antonio, laugh out loud and I get to the stage fine and I'm for show. I'm coming off and a guy comes up and gives me a big hug and just right in my face. I fucking love you, bro.
00:16:09
I'm right in your mouth.
00:16:10
You just fucking Korona raped me like, how dare you like. And I got back and I'm like, you know, I've been fucking I was so angry cause I was like, I've been fucking perfect. I've been perfect with no contact. And then this guy you spit in my face. Here's the thing. It's like, you know, he does that everybody, of course, you know, he's been doing that to a lot of people. You're not.
00:16:29
So then immediately I fucking that's the next morning I woke up with my nose and I was like, I got fucking groaners. And then Shayne's like, you don't get it. The next day I was like, oh, really? It's like it takes a couple of days. And I was like, oh, okay. But yeah, it was crazy. It was crazy. Look, I want to jump ahead of something else is really fascinating.
00:16:44
I think you told me on a phone call that's in my driving vlog, the one that I put up, it's a story. It's the one that has the model. Why Tesla? So I was on the phone with you because I was asking you about when they used to say they used to shit on the beds and vomit all over the walls at the comedy condos. And you're like, that wasn't me, but how we talked about it. Yeah.
00:17:07
And then out of nowhere, you dropped that. You've been wiping your ass bare handed with your finger.
00:17:12
Yeah. Not all the time, but it's been happening, but. How did that start? We'll start with the fact that I've been washing my hands a lot lately. You have been. Yeah. And so like because of on that tour, I wash my hands nonstop, sanitized, nonstop. My mother has never been so clean. I'm with you there. Normally, I'm not a hand washer at all.
00:17:34
Like, I've never really been a hand washer at all. Yeah. Ever since coronavirus wash my hands a lot. OK, I'm a little more cool doing dirty shit with my hands, like cleaning so much. Right? So I'm sitting in I'm in New Orleans on a toilet. On a toilet, at a at an RV park, OK? I took a shit and I take a shit. And I'm with you so far. I look for toilet paper.
00:17:57
There's no toilet paper. OK, I'm in my running shorts and a visor, that's it. And I'm like, OK. I was like, all right, I'm not I just put it on these clean running shorts, I'm planning on going to jog. I go, I'm not I don't have anything. And there's a sink. I actually have my arm on this as well. Yeah.
00:18:15
And I went and I had heard I had heard once Im in by the way, I don't, I don't want to sound ignorant. Yeah. I'm going to say in certain types of countries they aren't they vow or head or they do something because they wipe their ass with the right hand. OK, do you know I'm talking about. Yeah.
00:18:36
Yeah I've heard this. What is it like. Well I and I, I've also heard this so I can't but I have. Yeah. I've heard that um that in certain Middle Eastern countries you, you never extend your right hand to shake because that's your wiping hand. Right. Right. So that they do shake left hand it that's that's the extent of what, what I've heard about that right now.
00:18:54
I'm so progressive that I'm starting to I'm starting to look at different cultures and stop going, oh, that's fucking disgusting. And go. Is there something to learn from this culture? OK, OK, so I'm sitting there and I'm going, will they wipe the rest of the Middle East with their fucking fingers? I go, it's got to be I think it's got to be pretty effective. Yeah. So I just turn on the sink and I grab the thing and I go down and it's not that dirty and I just get a little scrub like I'm like, like, I'm like I'm trying to get into a girl's asshole.
00:19:27
You remember that movie, you're like I'm just playing this plan. You're toying with the outside it. Yeah, I'm just I'm just surveying the property. Right. I haven't explored yet.
00:19:35
Idealise didn't like it. And this is Lewis and Clark comes over and he's like, wait, wait, wait, are what are we doing or are we going to we're second to we.
00:19:44
So you do feel a little bit of you feel a little mud, right? A little bit. I so I didn't this time. I didn't at all. I was like, I was like, I was like OK. So I kind of wipe and I look at my finger and there's nothing you wipe between your legs. It hasn't even gotten bad yet. Oh yeah. Wipe from the front. You don't go behind and wipe up. No, because I'm not a gorilla.
00:20:04
I fucking go from the front. That's all right. I'm an adult.
00:20:07
I go from the front so. So I go from the front. I wipe a little bit. And by the way, I know I'm about to get fucking lit up from my being from the front. I don't know why I why. But I'll tell you this.
00:20:18
Well that's not let's not lose track of this.
00:20:20
I was blown away and I mean completely blown away at the amount of people that we're like, yeah, I brush after after breakfast and they don't wake up and brush their teeth blown away. I literally thought it would be like everybody. And then you. Did you see what George said? No. Oh, my stories. She goes, I'm doing a stories.
00:20:40
I go, I go, Hey, guys, I just woke up and I'm about to have my coffee. And then I'm going to eat and I'm going to brush my teeth.
00:20:47
And George goes, Oh, gross, you don't brush your teeth when you get out of bed. And I go, no. And I go, Have you brush your teeth? And she goes, No. I said, What are you doing? Because I'm going to eat something. And then I go, and then what? She goes and then I have like something to drink. And then I was ready. I go, I don't I just fucking said this, but I think it was fucking my favorite one.
00:21:03
By the way, I am not calling her out at all. At all who I'm not. I want to read it to you because I want to make sure I'm very clear with this. OK, this is my favorite one and I love this person. I love this person. I've been following her hardcore all through quarantine. You ready? Angela Johnson drivers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you say wake up, wonder why my body feels so old.
00:21:29
Wadle mope stretch my way to the bathroom, pee wash my hands. I was like, wash your hands. Who washes their hands.
00:21:38
Like who watches their hands in the morning. Like Oh she peed. Oh that. Maybe that's it.
00:21:43
And then she way it wasn't a ritual like oh the day is new. It was. I touched my vagina might have fucked that up. I missed reading pee. I miss reading B I just thought well I like that murder was fucking rough last night. Let's make sure I'm totally clean. Oh my God. All right.
00:22:01
You reached between your legs to wipe and then and then I kind of wipe and I look at my finger and there's nothing, right. Nothing. There's nothing. So then guess what I did next. I hope you watch that hand. No, not immediately.
00:22:15
What did you do? Smell. Sniff it. You smell. I smelled it. I smell it. How did smell. Smelled like an asshole. I was surprised but I thought, oh, it's going to smell like that.
00:22:33
I like it. All right.
00:22:37
I think I might throw up now. I think it might back in.
00:22:45
So I go, I feel like I can smell it and I turn this thing on and then realize I have to wash my hand by it.
00:22:58
So yeah, so I go on their soap or just wash up. So I'm but I'm by the way, now I'm hurting my back, reaching for the soap. OK, so I don't even I don't even really soap up, I just go back in, scrub again, then grab water, splash water scrub. It's almost like a help of a bad day, like I'm a bit ahead of it. I think if a bidet had like a finger attachment, it would really fucking help out.
00:23:19
So I clean, I then drip dry, sit there for a second. I wrap up, go in, wash both hands aggressively. Mm hmm. And then I just kind of sit there with it, like walk around. I'm like, I feel good. Yeah. And I was like, that actually might be one of the best wipes I've ever had. Because what you're finding a lot in these truck stops and an RV parks is one ply toilet paper.
00:23:43
Right. It's shitty. It's really it's leaves your asshole raw. And then I'm going.
00:23:47
I want to leap ahead, though. OK, did you do the tactic again with a messier brown?
00:23:52
So it worked so well the first time I thought I thought, yeah, I think I might have just found the cheat code. Yeah. Like I remember when I told you I spit in my toilet paper to wipe my ass. Yes. That is like fucking. What is that. What an Alabama way.
00:24:06
Yeah, I've done that. Those are that a bunch. Those are the best. I remember telling someone about that news now that that's definitely especially like and if you haven't done it, you're if you're in public, if you're like in an airport bathroom, it's a life saver. Yeah.
00:24:17
I have a hundred percent. Yeah. So so then I shit again and I'm like, where are you this time. I think I'm in a comedy club OK. And there is toilet paper but I go, oh I got a new tactic, I a new tactic.
00:24:33
So I go. And the second I go down I feel what can only be called the top of a frappuccino like the goo, the whipping of a prop..
00:24:41
No down there like this is more than I planned on.
00:24:47
I was like but I'm already in it and I'm like I can't just go abort. Abort. Yeah. Because now and then I'm like, So are you doing like three pulls? No, no. I just got one finger, middle finger. And I go in and I go and my first thought is come is where do I put this?
00:25:00
Like I can't put it in the fucking sink. You can't take a fucking finger full of shit into the sink. And then I'm like, oh, I got to flick it. I'm like, how am I going to flick it? I'm like, oh my God, I'm in trouble. I'm in real trouble right now. So I'm like, oh God, this is not work. I don't know how they do this in the Middle East. I wish I could just call a friend and be like, man, how do you fucking wipe your ass when there's too much shit?
00:25:24
So so I just kind of go, all right, so I hammer it and then I rinse it and I'm like, I'm back to toilet paper, back to toilet paper. And this is after I talk to you.
00:25:36
I think what it is, I think it's a good tactic. Here's why. I think it's a good tactic. Ah, you can do it more. Here's where I will apply this.
00:25:43
OK, so yea like for two days I think it was, I think it's hemorrhoids but I'm not sure, but like my asshole's been extremely itchy so sometimes with the cheap toilet papers you will get like little dingleberry toilet paper and your hair.
00:25:59
And so where that tactic works good is you've wiped your clean and now you get some water and go down and just scrub the area. Yeah. And then wash your hands. I'm not done with it and I haven't perfected it.
00:26:12
I'm so glad you're not done with it because I love to hear where it goes. I by the way and by the way, this is totally acceptable.
00:26:19
I would argue Jo Jo was raised to do this. Let's call them and find out he was raised so that if I don't do all my research, I have listened to a story and then apply what I find.
00:26:30
Yeah, yeah. Let's see what you got.
00:26:31
I'm pretty certain that Jokowi has a bowl of water next to his. Yeah, yes, I know about this.
00:26:37
And he wipes his ass with his finger and uses the bowl of water. And by the way, if he does and you can erase all your comments that you just put that I'm a fucking lunatic and go, actually, you know what, bird is progressive. I'm so fucking progressive. I've been progressive my whole life. I've always been on the right side of history. I'll prove it.
00:26:58
By the way, I tried calling joke works. I was getting my blood taken. And the first thing a nurse says, you're a comedian. Do you know joke? Yeah, I was like, let me call him. I'll FaceTime. I mean, he didn't answer.
00:27:08
Yeah, yeah, he's having a fucking blast with what he's in, I think he's said, I don't know, I shouldn't say he never answers my phone calls.
00:27:21
Do you think that means. Maybe change is he is here on the road. No, no, he's in heat duty, he should do fucking driving. Oh, yeah.
00:27:33
I mean, there's so many guys that would love it. There's so many guys that would really enjoy it. I'm I would be excited to take you out there. And then I want to get you a Popemobile. Yeah.
00:27:42
So you can do a meet and greet fun. That would be fun. Let me let me tell you. So we have to just address that. It basically, I don't know, went viral, the Kool-Aid thing. And it was such a shock and saw that coming. Oh my God. I didn't expect the moment to happen.
00:28:00
It was obviously like a very organic thing. And then everybody I mean, I have been I was texted and called by so many people, like not just comedians and and people that I've met.
00:28:12
People relate like my dad's friend, who, you know, like some retiree in fucking North Florida was like hit like my dad was like I gave him your number and he watched the Kool-Aid thing.
00:28:24
I'm like, what? So like like everybody start, like, hit me up about it. And they just made a lot of people I it made me laugh to re watch it.
00:28:32
No, I watched it. I watched it the day it came out. I remember laughing that hard when we did it and I watched it the day it came out and I couldn't and just you laughing made me laugh and I'm laughing with it. Yeah. And then throughout the tour I would see people on the bus watching it and just laughing with it.
00:28:52
Yeah. And I go, what do you and I don't even know what he said.
00:28:55
I know.
00:28:55
I saw I got picked up by so many places like, you know, blogs and I saw a bar stool to everybody, like, you know, talking about these just two people laughing hysterically. And then I got hit up so much about it that, you know, I have something to show you. Right. So we'll do it one by one. Oh, I forget you do this one one, one by one. OK, so one by one, just because there's more than one item.
00:29:16
OK, OK. All right. By the way, I'm a little shocked that Koolade has not reached out. I am too. They, I, I tell you.
00:29:23
Can I tell you why I think they haven't reached out. Because I'm mocking the fact that you drank it like I'm like gonna die like wait a minute.
00:29:32
We don't want to do you know, in this whole process that randomly I got Milk Duds trending. No.
00:29:39
So I put out so like we're on the so, you know, the, you know, Spokane and Tacoma. Yeah. There's clubs and they have all the candy and. Yeah. And I saw you do like which is your favorite know. What's your favorite. What's your top five. What would you pick. And then what's the one you would never take. Right. So I put my top five very respectable list starting with Heath. Snickers You know, very good list.
00:29:58
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups is number one I think. And then I said, what's your name? And I put Milk Duds. And I was like, there's just first of all, they pull out brackets. It's just a nightmare. They're a nightmare.
00:30:08
And then all of a sudden, everyone started trashing milk. Right. That got tripped and started trending. And the Milk Duds Hershey's got fucking was like, what the fuck?
00:30:18
So they started tweeting at me like, you're talking shit about milk, but it's you know, it's one, by the way, shout out to the one guy who kind of pulls it out of this fight. But, you know, one guy runs through social media and he's like, I see an opportunity, let's lock them up. And and he was like coming at me from the Hershey's account, from the Kit Kat account, from Skittles. Oh, yeah.
00:30:39
He's like, everyone's attacking me. And then I wrote back, hey, a real cool Milk Duds. You had to get your big brother, Hershey's and Reese's Peanut and Kit Kat to come after me and your little sister, Jolly Rancher. And then he just kind of stopped by like, this isn't worth it, you know? So I'm in it and stop it.
00:30:55
Right. You're not problems with Milk Duds, big fucking son. All right, God damn it, get rid of Milk Duds.
00:30:59
And then the one guy that's making Milk Duds, just little chocolate drops milk. That's, by the way, that night we had to fucking pack milk are kickass on your yes list.
00:31:10
Yeah. Yeah. I love cats. I love. What was your top five. My top five is always Richard Peanut Butter Cups. Now Reese's Pieces are actually my favorite though.
00:31:18
Reese's Pieces are the way better the shit way better than Eminem's. Yes. Peanut covid Eminem's are probably the best I would still for me I'd still vote Reese's Pieces.
00:31:29
Do you remember when that was. You know, that's just fucking eat. That's it. Yeah.
00:31:35
It's the first time I ever had them was and it is Reese's Pieces came out. Snickers are the shit.
00:31:41
Two Snickers takes it to the next level.
00:31:44
It really does it like it's such a great candy bar with all this shit was around, like around my house easily. You'd wheel me in here like like I would. I just never stop eating it. I can't have that around.
00:31:56
I am obsessed now.
00:31:59
I want to do sweet candies. Yeah. Because like someone was arguing skills might be the best sweet candy ever.
00:32:06
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00:34:55
This is the one that I had designed for. Go ahead and pull it up. Can you make it big? Packed with vitamins, the red flavor, low calorie Kool-Aid, I love that you love it.
00:35:15
I love that shirt packed with vitamin B because that's that's the big argument point for you, is that it's tons of vitamin C in it.
00:35:26
So that one flavor, low calorie, who did that?
00:35:34
Can my buddy Cam at Canvas Design? Oh, that's fucking hilarious.
00:35:40
And then we did a we accompanied it with a second shirt because. So that's me. So much as you really want. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So fucking great.
00:35:54
So that's awesome.
00:35:55
So they're both in the store if you want. Everybody was are fucking great. Oh yeah. They're both in the store if you want.
00:36:00
A lot of people were like where is the Kool-Aid. Obviously can't. Right. Kool-Aid on it.
00:36:04
So that's, that's what it is. Oh fuck.
00:36:07
You have to be as crazy as me selling something that said like Mickey Mantle, you know, that was like episode one or two of the two things, the two things someone pointed out that I missed you saying this last episode when I go, you were Jordans with shorts and you're like, Yeah, yeah. And I go, who the fuck was Jordans with George? And you're like, I'm pretty sure Michael Jordan every day.
00:36:33
Yeah. All the people that, you know, buy them for what they're for. And then I go the day I came in with the Mickey Mantle jeans shirt and you're like and you're like, this is where you go. I go, do you have a licensing agreement? And you're like, For what?
00:36:50
And you go, you can't just use someone's likeness of you're going to go. I'm pretty sure you can.
00:36:55
And you go, I can't make sure you and I went, oh, that does me.
00:37:04
Oh yeah. Oh I fucking missed this podcast. Yeah.
00:37:08
I can't believe it's ending so I know.
00:37:12
Yeah it was, it was that was, that was the hardest. Do we have.
00:37:17
Oh yeah. With you. So tell us what happened here exactly. Nadaf Yeah.
00:37:21
So what happened is that on Amazon, you know, people started looking up all this koolade stuff. And so people started writing some reviews of Koolade. Uh huh, yeah, because. Basically, like you can look that up if you want if you want Kool-Aid, you can just go to Amazon and just be like, hey, you know, and then what are the reviews? So then. Some of the reviews now are like four just this is just if you pull up Coulier and Amazon makes you feel like a machine, there's nothing like crushing two hundred and twenty eight ounce growlers, sugar free kool aid.
00:37:58
By day's end, I enjoy sipping it while watching out-of-control men eat ice cream cones, just laughing to myself.
00:38:06
I mean, they look so silly licking their ice cream.
00:38:09
As I look on with my red white mustache, it's easy to work into your day. Double iced coffee, walking on the treadmill with red wine, pool back and mix up your gallons day. You've earned it. You're an athlete. Just watch out for those Delfi athletes posing as bus drivers.
00:38:33
Oh, those guys would give you nightmares of thinking. If you're thinking you can, you can dance.
00:38:39
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That is fucking hilarious. Oh, that is hilarious. Hey, Watts, you just killed it, man. You made me laugh harder. Shit, that's so funny.
00:38:47
Fuck, you fucking lost a footrace to Ron, your driver for. I never thought the best part of that video.
00:38:55
The best part of that video is like when he proposes the idea of doing it and and then the video comes to you, you're like, I'm going to kill him.
00:39:03
It's like, oh no, he does no exercise. I can tell. Yeah, I know.
00:39:08
He and he was super confident where it came from out of nowhere. Like I was watching. I was like, I think he saw me.
00:39:15
He kind of reminded me of you. I know. I know. Right. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. I think that's why we get along so well. Sure is. Because we both have this like real you guys. Booker do you guys fight sometimes. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's like in the video you go Mario, you'd never guess he's my employee. He doesn't talk to me like I pay him at all. He talks to me like he pays me.
00:39:35
Yeah.
00:39:36
He bit what happened was we got hit with a crawfish boil, so I get up. Right now, Ron's losing his fucking shit, and by letting his brother in the arm go and shout out to bullshit, shout out to Ron, because I also saw the Instagram story when he was like he could Tom can dance better than you.
00:39:52
And you were like, no.
00:39:54
And he's like, I'm black. He's like, yes. And what's interesting about Ronnie very seldomly pulls the race card.
00:40:03
Oh, he's. So we go so he sees me go work out.
00:40:12
I run five miles right on the treadmill, in the RV park, in the hot pouring sweat. And so I come, I come out and then we have a crawfish boil. I eat inarguably about two pounds of crawfish, four pounds of crawfish.
00:40:28
I remember just my pile of crawfish was so fucking big. You just killed four tallboy IPAs. And I'm done for the day. I'm tapped out.
00:40:36
I'm about to make a Cheetos and soda and Ron comes in like a fucking firefly off a chain link fence.
00:40:44
Just get your shoes off that boy. And he's like, I'll be super race. I got everything.
00:40:49
I mean, it was so out of line talking a lot of shit out of nowhere, like almost like someone had built him up. Yeah. And he came in and I started laughing so fucking hard because I'm like. Here's the thing you guys raised, by the way, it was hilarious because you both were in a race running completely upright, almost backwards.
00:41:10
Yeah, I got to be honest with you, I'm going to be real honest. Yeah. He beat me the second he put his money on the counter. What? What do you mean he got my head? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
00:41:19
Like and I couldn't stop laughing because I couldn't stop laughing at the idea that he was so confident that it's like when you when you tell someone you're going to beat them and you go. You know, the interesting thing is, like when I when I taunted Joe during sober October, yeah. And he flipped a switch, he totally flipped the switch. And I was like I was like, wait, what I we were just playing around.
00:41:41
I think he thought. I'm not going to let what Ron did to me because I'm not going to let happen, the game's over. You want to fucking compete, we're fucking competing. And he goes, no more humor. Let's fucking hurt each other.
00:41:51
And you're just like, whoa. When Ron put his money on the thing, I was like I was like, that's his money. That's a thousand dollars. A lot like. How the fuck and I was like, I think you might be able to beat me, like, I think there's something I don't know about the doubt crept in your head.
00:42:05
Well, here's the deal. He told me this after he goes. He was always growing up. He was always the fastest get on every team.
00:42:11
And you don't ever lose speed. Despite how fat you might get. You don't ever lose speed. I've never been fast. Even when I was skinny, I was never the fastest kid on the team. Yeah. So even probably at my lightest, I may have a hard time beating Ron because fast is a different twitch. It's like an athlete. You do lose your your, your weight, you're going to, you're going to run slower.
00:42:32
But I think he looked at me and thought, wait for weight. He has like about the same weight.
00:42:37
No, I don't know. Probably probably the same height or. No, no, no. I don't think. But we're probably the same weight I guess. But I don't know. I'll call him. I know he'll answer fuckin. Fucking Ron. Ron, he beat the second he put his money down, he beat me, yes, second, because I was like it was in my head. I'm talking you called me.
00:43:01
Do you call Yaeko? I lost the A of race. I was on the I was on the fuckin I was on the starting line going like, there's no way I'm going to win this. I remember really. Yes, I was I was giggling too much like I wasn't competitive. I was giggling going like I got to turn this on. And then the first one where he called it, I started off off the line. Yeah, that's fucking bullshit.
00:43:26
Like, I did not start off the line. He just didn't have a good jump on me and he called bullshit.
00:43:31
Ron's always going to load the race. So the he he's going to set up the course. He'll never get to race you some shit. He can't win it.
00:43:38
Like you're never going to be like like he's like let's go one on one basketball. I'm like, well somebody. Hey, hey. We're talking about the foot race. I'm doing two bears, one cave with Tom.
00:43:51
Okay, what's that? Ron, what's going on. How are you doing, man?
00:43:56
Hey, man, I'm happy now we're talking about how you smoked big old in that race and he thinks he won a rematch.
00:44:02
And you think you going win. Oh, starting. I started a weight loss. Oh, really? Yes, sir.
00:44:09
When was that? Was that was the cheeseburger with the Republican on it with the onion rings.
00:44:14
Yeah, exactly. That's the only thing I ate yesterday. It she looked, it looked funky. I told you that I want I want to take him up against beat Bobby Flay. OK, good. He can cook. I looked good.
00:44:29
That looked good. So we. Ron how much do you weigh now.
00:44:33
I think about to forty two. Forty two. Yeah. With the same weight. Wear the exact same weight. OK, I'm trying to get down to about twenty to twenty, maybe to fifteen. Twenty five pounds.
00:44:45
That's my dream. I don't run. That's my dream weight. We can do it together. Fuck, yeah, we can. I want to know that Rehmat, I want to bet on the route. No, he no he look, I run. This is what I said. And tell me if you think you're right. I'm right on this. I go the second round, put his money on the table. He won the he. You were in my head.
00:45:04
What's that? Yes. Yes. And so.
00:45:07
So you want to know how he said the rematch. He goes, he goes, you want a rematch? And now in my head I'm like, yeah, I want a rematch. And he goes, and this is when he won the second time he goes, we'll do it in front of your house so I can beat you in front of your kids.
00:45:19
Oh, my God. Who wants to lose in front of your kid? Nobody. No way. It's bad enough he lost in front of our team. The whole thing was. Yeah, he lost it. Put it. If we need to lose again in front of his wife and give it me over.
00:45:43
Hey, over in the what was your what was your gamesmanship? Because you got to me. I did not start this. You started it.
00:45:50
What was your even remember I don't even remember how we got started in the bus on it that day. I really don't. God, but it was it was just the fact that you really thought you were going to be. Yeah, yeah, I did. You thought you were going to be. It's just one thing you got to learn about me when I put money on the line. Normal. I'm we run.
00:46:13
Who would who would win between you and Burt? One on one basketball.
00:46:17
Oh, I'd kill I you know, I kill murdering because I'd murder because he was saying it would be better off if we did baseball. I don't know if I got my swing anymore. I played high school baseball.
00:46:32
He he said he said Ron thinks he could beat me in basketball one on one.
00:46:38
OK, I would reject my ridiculous salary two weeks salary that I would be him in basketball. Hands down. We played. Can we play to fight. Make it easy on yourself. If you don't score every time you get the ball, it's a wreck. How about I'll give you the ball first and I'll give it a whirl.
00:46:58
See, this is how you win. It's you. He's already in your book. How about now? Bird Bird thinks he's like a gracious swimmer. Could you beat him in swimming?
00:47:07
You. No, you know what? I think I gave him a run for his money and I think he would agree with it.
00:47:13
After watching me swim in Utah, he goes wrong, called me a racist because I saw him do the the freestyle. Yeah. And I go, you can swim. He goes, yeah, you're right. You didn't because you didn't think I could do a freestyle. I know. I just didn't expect. OK, I put it to you like this.
00:47:30
After we dropped this weight, I think I could beat him in the pool. I don't think I can beat him at the weight. I mean, why not? Because he swims almost every day.
00:47:38
All I want I'm just trying to say I want all this shit filmed. I want the swimming contest. I want the new foot race. I want the one on one basketball run for the people listening. Tell him one time who's the better dancer.
00:47:51
Oh, fucking so cool. You don't look, I think that's how this shit got started, because first of all, first of all, Ron's delusional. OK, we run into Jim Jones and Cameron at a Nets game next game and Ron goes, nah man, I'd like to be on tour with them and go to games with them. I go there, I'm going to take their bus driver to a fucking basketball game. He goes, The fuck they aren't.
00:48:12
I go, The fuck they aren't wrong.
00:48:14
I go, I'm the only one getting you courtside tickets to a fucking guy, though, if I want to drill for Tom-Tom, going to want to hang out with it.
00:48:22
OK, Ron. Ron, I will tell you right now, Tom would love you as much as I love you, if not more. And you know, what's what's so cool about the friendship, the burden I have outside of our work relationship? Yeah, it became natural, yeah. I don't know if he told you I thought he didn't like you and I thought he was going to fire me after our first week. How come I thought I was done.
00:48:48
Why? I have problems, you know, Tahmina, problems with the bus. I was trying to get everything, but I don't I hate to say this on on the show, but I have the boss and I consider the bottom line. And Christ, she's the one who calls the shots. Yeah. LeAnn, LeAnn fell in love with me. Yeah. Yeah. So I had Chris LeAnn with what I was doing, but I thought Burkean like and she told me in the end it was just the way he was.
00:49:18
And so you walked up to you. But our our friendship morphed. Oh, just eat, it wasn't for us, it wasn't like I was trying to be his friend, right? Just being so just being me.
00:49:32
When you when you start, was he standoffish? Was he, like, just not saying much. Yeah.
00:49:37
Yeah. You know, short with me, you know, events like the first weekend. The first night we had a dad on the bus with us. Yeah. Yeah. And who's so our first weekend was just kind of rough. Yeah. It was kind of neat. And Andrew hit it off real well. Me and hey. Nice. Hey, hit it off real good. The first weekend. The second week he started to warm up.
00:50:01
I screwed up again on the second we got left standing at O'Hare Airport like 15 minutes and I know that kinda pissed him off and I was like, OK, just just go for something stupid ass black dude from South Central L.A. don't know nothing. But I think are our turning point is I thought he tried to fucking kill me time he had me one a five k race in the morning I you did.
00:50:28
That's what I that's what I fell in love with Ron is because you he he finished like in the top fucking eighty and I was like OK and we were running it and then also the phone right behind us and we said How did you do that.
00:50:42
And he goes, Oh I just cut through those woods that I watch. I had deer running in front of me just here. I said, what the hell am I talking to? Three white guys and a black guy, run, run, run, run, run, run the fucking Jordans with a towel over his shoulder. Just spitting game of fat white chicks who aren't running either. Clean it up, clean it up.
00:51:12
Trying to get a pink oh oh, oh.
00:51:16
Oh, my God. Hey, you know what? If the offer still stands and you know we can bring Tom. What is Tom? My brother owns a grocery and I want to go give or we tore up nice sometime next week or the week after.
00:51:34
Yes. Hey, Tom Miller in on that. We want to go to that run. We set that up. OK, did you guys let me know what days you're free? Yeah, my brother call so we can take a ride out there. You guys take your post on Instagram, give some shout outs or whatnot.
00:51:47
And who's your brother? Who's your brother's partner, can you say? I would rather not. OK, OK, OK, OK, all right, I'll try. All right, I'm going to finish up the episode. I'll talk to you later, brother. How are you feeling? Feel good. You guys take it easy. Take care of you. Feel good. Yeah. Oh, that's so fucking great. Perfect. Perfect. All right, brother, I love you.
00:52:06
I'll talk to you later. All right. I love you too, man.
00:52:08
But so we all got the coronavirus test. So we're all texting each other in the morning on how you feel because it's still been within the 14 days. You're wrong. Getting it coronavirus test is the funniest thing I've ever. What did you do? The swabs. We did the swab in the nose.
00:52:21
Yeah. And. Ron has a problem with needles and he has a problem with Tom, I've never laughed so fucking hard in my life. So they go, are we going to do a nasal swab?
00:52:33
And he goes, I order order one mouth swab. And they're like, there's no such thing.
00:52:39
And he just fucking loses it. They do this thing. Ilesha, we have a video. I'll show you the video and he gets he gets at one point he tells the nurse like, oh fuck, come on, bitch, like.
00:52:49
And so then it's just this Japanese nurse, like, really small, kind of cute, but a big mask on. So then this is my favorite ever. So we all have to give blood. And he goes, I mean, I give it out of the hand and they're like, we we don't do it out of the hand. We do another arm. And he goes, No, I go out of the hand. And then so they look for a van and they can't find one.
00:53:07
Can we just do an arm? I'm talking to Ron. Yeah, I'm holding a picture of Martin Luther King up for Ron to look out for power because he's freaking out. He's panicking.
00:53:15
You're holding up a picture of MLK. Yeah, yeah. We have a picture, MLK that we found one time we did a sketch and we ended up buying the picture, me and Ron. It was just anyway, so. He's about to give blood and he looks at me and he goes, I'm not good with this arm shit, I said, really? And he goes, like, someone took blood out of my arm. I knocked the nurse out.
00:53:36
And this Japanese woman's with the needle just looks up like and I am crying. He's the funniest fucking guy in the world if you take a bus or I would go take Ron with you. Yeah. And you will laugh. And by the way, it's like it should be known. Is that like what's cool about Ron is he does his job like he does his job like he shows up, he shuts the door, he drives. He's not he's not like trying to like be a part of the like he'll talk if you want to talk to him or hang out and stuff.
00:54:00
But he's working. He's like legit. That's what I love about people that can do their job 100 percent and then fucking hang like if you're going to go for the Rio Grande, he's like, too tired. I got to work. I got to drive tonight. Yeah, but if you're doing something positive, like, oh, hang on, I'll have some crawfish but I got to get to bed soon. Yeah. Like he does his job first and foremost.
00:54:16
I fucking love. Does he work for one of the bus companies he works for. I think he's he can do everything. You think he's got some senators and all that. OK, but for this run we just did. Yeah, it was. It was. Dude, I love the guy. Yeah. That's great man. I love that you guys did that race. So one of the things also a lot of people have noticed, they call you a hypocrite because they say the audacity of this man to say that when he when you see someone eating ice cream, they're a child.
00:54:45
Right.
00:54:45
You said that like when you know someone's a mess, if you give me an ice cream. And then they said, you know, juxtaposed against you drinking a, you know, a gallon plus of Kool-Aid a day. And then you said that you actually broke and bought ice cream. So right before I left, I, I wasn't even thinking about the conversation we had with the you right before we left.
00:55:08
I was feeling blood pressure, I know fucking blood pressure medicine, yeah, dude, I lost my voice the second I you sounded terrible. The first time I got on stage, I was so excited. I lost my voice, that first show. And then ever since then, I think a lot of it has to do with allergies was like my vocal cords were just clogged the entire time. I had a hard time talking this talk. I don't know how I'm going to approach this next one very slowly, meticulously.
00:55:33
What do you build your vocal chords?
00:55:35
Because you go in and you just jam them. They're like, we haven't been working at all. Right? So the day before I left, I was going to get blood pressure medicine and I'm at Rite Aid and and I go and they have Ben and Jerry's stuck to the thing. And I went, you know, I'm to do him a surprise. Gross. I'm going get them Ben and Jerry's and I'm a load up the fridge with Ben and Jerry's and then go, Hey, while I'm gone, guys, enjoy some ice cream.
00:55:55
You know, it's like every time they have ice cream, they'll think about me. So I get all these Ben and Jerry's.
00:55:58
So I come home off the road and I have a little bit I know I'm going to get shit about this. I have a little bit of a process of detoxing off the road, like I take a hat like a half a milligram. So I have half milligrams annexes. I take a quarter of a milligram of Xanax the first night that I don't drink just so that I'm like, I know that I won't drink if I take it. And it kind of lets me relax, go to sleep, get a good night's sleep.
00:56:23
So I take a half a milligram, I have a quarter or whatever, quarter milligram, and I start feeling really good right away. Really good. Right. So then I'm like, I bet if I took a little nibble of an edible that I could just kind of on top of that and no alcohol. Just a little nibble of an edible. Yeah.
00:56:41
So take a little nibble of an edible and and I don't really have the quarter bar in you. Yeah. And you have a little little numbers. It's called the Josias cocktail. Yeah.
00:56:49
It's just like what you do is you take a thousand milligrams of DHT, you have a baby aspirin, you take a baby Xanax just kind of takes. Yes, I do. It takes the edge off.
00:56:59
So I take a little bit, a little nibbling and then I get the taste of chocolate in me. Right. Hmm.
00:57:06
I go into the living room and the girls are eating ice cream. And I went, I wouldn't mind. And I said, what are we got in there? And they were like.
00:57:15
Stephen Colbert's brand or whatever, I don't even know what it is, it's like waffle cone chocolate, so I wouldn't mind a little bit of this.
00:57:24
So I start eating fucking ice cream and I'm high and I'm on a Xanax. And I am I feel I got it. I was like, I'm such a fucking hypocrite. This is so enjoyable. It is as enjoyable, if not more enjoyable than a beer or a wine.
00:57:45
It is. You're like every bite, your brain starts going, Oh, come on, more, give me more.
00:57:51
I know you made this discovery at 47.
00:57:55
I'm not I'm I've always thought ice cream is an irresponsible decision. I think it's just it's like when you've been trying to lose weight your whole adult life, you're like, who the fuck eats ice cream? And then you eat it and you're like, oh, this is the same person who's an alcoholic.
00:58:11
It's just you're doing it a different way. You're like, Oh, I've given up. Yeah, I don't care.
00:58:15
Yeah. And then especially if you're not drinking, you go, I'm definitely not going to have, you know, 800 calories drinking tonight. Right. Why not have three hundred and fifty and be in hog fucking heaven. Well how much ice cream did you eat last night.
00:58:31
I brought out the ice cream before the Musafir eat a pint. I brought out the top of the brownie one that we have Chunky Monkey, we got fish food. We've got all these fucking ice cream that I'm like. And by the way, this is what is me. So like when I get lit up for cancer culture. Yeah. And then, like, he's a hypocrite. No fucking shit. I'm aware I'm a hypocrite. I get it.
00:58:51
Yeah. I don't like it either. OK, right. Right, right.
00:58:54
But I'm also making the point that I think that the 350 calories is a little bit low of a guess because of how I know you consume that. OK, ok.
00:59:03
I got through half a pint of Chunky Monkey before I realized there were bananas in it. OK, and the my daughter watching me go, I go there's fucking bananas and they're like it's called Chunky Monkey. And I went, I didn't think that meant bananas. So I put it down. I was like, I fucking hate, but it's like you ain't have a point.
00:59:22
Put it in, get another one.
00:59:24
And then I got the brownie in there to do the brownie is like I'm in the brownie is like I'm talking incredible. The I'll tell you how good.
00:59:32
I'll tell you how good I am. I got to apologize to everyone. All the shit I talked about. Ice cream. Yeah. A great ice cream, like great ice cream and I mean and I got to say, Ben and Jerry's really does it better than anyone else because have so much good stuff inside it that it breaks up the ice cream. It feels like a treat. Ben and Jerry's, it's 350 calories for half a pint of the chocolate brownie when I was about a quarter of a pint for a quarter of a quarter.
00:59:56
Quarter of a point.
00:59:57
I thought that math didn't work out because it says like twelve hundred calories for the whole pie.
01:00:01
Yeah.
01:00:02
So I by the way, so breaking news, everybody. Bert likes ice cream.
01:00:08
Who would have thought the guy that loves Kool-Aid likes ice cream? Also the guy, the race's top four or five chocolate bars.
01:00:14
I'm just looking forward to the time we come in here and you go, I did something I like about you, like a gallon ice cream last night.
01:00:21
I, I, I had a little bit of a Xanax, little nibble of Xanax last night because I was I was feeling anxious because I was because the hardest thing about the this the hardest thing about this tour has been and I feel bad for those people going out and doing well on weekends and then coming home. Yeah. It's like it was nice for me to be isolated out on the road. And if I had symptoms, I knew I had to get in a hotel and stay in a hotel and that was it.
01:00:46
We just locked down. You stay in the hotel and then you figure it out from there will be a financial disaster for the store. But that was how are you going to solve it? And then we did the whole tour. We got coronavirus tested, coronavirus tested. Everyone all eight of us came back negative. So you're like, great, we're cool. But you also know, I had to quarantine. I did quarantine for a little period of time in the bus in L.A. like I stayed in the bus Fourth of July.
01:01:06
I stayed in the bus. I stayed in the bus. Until I was like, OK, we're good, like, I think we're good for the like in the window that it would show up, but it's still 14 days. 14 days is like as long as it could last. I think I talked to Drew. Eighty percent of it, I'm clear, like a very small chance that I have it, but there is that chance, man, I'll tell you what, there's a weird feeling.
01:01:30
I hope there are people that understand this to wake up in the morning and just go, like, check your faculties and go, oh, my. OK, yeah. Like I might like because you'd wake up and you'd feel sick. So you wake up and you're like, am I OK? So I was getting anxious last night going like, I don't want to feel like you start really obsessing about everything.
01:01:48
So I took a little nibble of a Xanax last night before dinner and.
01:01:54
And I got into I got into ice cream before dinner ended, I was told we're eating dinner. Liam made such a great dinner and I just spun around, open the freezer and just put out Chunky Monkey, started eating it. And he goes, like, What are you doing? And I was like, well, I'm done. And they're like, you don't need ice cream.
01:02:10
And then I was like, I know I'm getting into ice cream. It's like my thing. Ice cream is so fucking good right now.
01:02:16
By the way, I wanted to tell you I was very impressed. I think a lot of people were at the diner like, do you think Ben and Jerry's would do not interrupt?
01:02:23
No, you didn't. Go ahead. Do you think Ben and Jerry's would do a two bears, one cave ice cream? We could probably float the idea, hey, Ben Jerry's, we should probably do it through another channel.
01:02:35
OK, go ahead. Go ahead.
01:02:36
No, like, we could actually have someone call, like, hey, hey, hey, hey, Ferrari, are you guys watching?
01:02:43
So look, Koolade inside, look inside. I was impressed as a lot of people were at the way you and the dive worked out your you know, your situation.
01:02:54
When I went to take a shit and last episode I watched it later, you guys were both very grown up about it. You know, I read the comments and you read comments that people sent and I read some of them.
01:03:04
What were the comments? It was it was it was good.
01:03:07
Oh, that's I'm saying how to grown men should talk. Exactly. You guys were like you guys really talked it out and then like, what were you saying?
01:03:13
Like, I know you weren't feeling well that you need to clear your head.
01:03:16
Yeah. I mean, like, just I don't know. I'm just like this coronavirus stuff is like legit. Been just an emotional roller coaster.
01:03:24
Hang on. I can't hear you. Yeah, well, I want to go see it again. Maybe put your headphones on. OK, go ahead.
01:03:31
Just this coronavirus stuff is kind of like it's kind of just taking a toll on me.
01:03:35
Like I feel like in the last two weeks I have went to the clinics and gotten tested at least two or three times, like just everything.
01:03:44
And like I'm always I'm being pulled in, like so many different directions. I just wanted to talk to you about it. Like, it's like, I don't know. I just feel like I kind of like need, you know, a couple days off or something, like we could talk about when and stuff. But sure. I mean, yeah, it's I feel like I just need to like clear need a couple of days off. Yeah. You know, I need to clear what's what's in between the years, you know.
01:04:04
Yeah sure man.
01:04:05
I mean if you can uh. You know, have the guys here take over what you do. Yeah, I mean, like, if it's OK with you, I mean, it doesn't it doesn't have to be immediate, but like, maybe, I don't know, we could talk about it.
01:04:20
Yeah. I think in the future we probably do this off air. Oh, for sure. Yeah. I was like, is this a bit OK, you know, I was like, I'm like, all right man.
01:04:26
Yeah, take your days off and. All right. You're sorry. I didn't mean to do it. It's OK. It's OK. I'll tell you this, Nadav. I don't think enough people are crediting people's sanity and lack thereof to this coronavirus. I think a lot of people go, why, I don't have the Ebola virus. I'm fine, but I'm watching it online. I mean, we've been texting about it online. It's super stressful.
01:04:47
You go through that phase of like, what is this? You're shocked. And then then you go through like like I said, I went through like I think I bought like twenty five pairs of shoes and like, what am I doing? I think it was like a coping thing. And then then you get into the exercise phase and you get into like the eating and booze and like all of it is like uncertainty, you know.
01:05:06
One hundred percent. I know that I, I have not been processing anything properly at all. I feel depression for Eila because I feel like she's not going to get to start high school the way everyone should start high school. Yeah, I feel depression for George because I go well, her junior year is going to suck, like like she's got like I feel depression for, you know, I've talked about this, but we build a house and it's or we bought a house and we can't do what we're going to want to do because of lockdown problems and all these things.
01:05:35
It's all sudden life's on hold for everyone. And but you're still getting older and you're still possibly getting ill and you're still possibly passing away. Yeah. And my sanity was not good. I was totally fine on this tour. And then I had an incident where I shit all over a wall and and I went into the bus and I said I was joking. I was like, laughing. So I started all over a wall and all over a toilet and I had to clean it up.
01:06:00
And it was really like it was like I the time I had done this since like sixth grade. And I got I mean, there's a moment where I looked in the mirror and I was like, we got a problem, buddy. Like I looked at myself naked and I just kind of did you shit in the long story. OK, OK, I can't really tell you all the details.
01:06:14
OK, so and by the way, I'm sorry I'm sorry if I was short with you. I definitely take your days off whatever you need.
01:06:21
OK, uh, ok. I was watching I say it definitely take your days off it, take some days off, do you want to do a vacation with us?
01:06:33
I'm sure, but, you know, take a vacation with us. Oh, no, that sounds fun. No.
01:06:44
Yeah, it's been tough because I walked into the bar subtraction on the walls and I was like and I was I was still lighthearted. I was in a good mood. And I was like, thank God. Diarrhea isn't a symptom of coronavirus and everyone looks like it is.
01:06:55
Then I was like, oh, my God, did you wipe with your hand for that one? No, I did. I remember hearing I want to say, Rogan said one time that is that someone Shitters wife threw up, he didn't have a problem with it. And he was like, I was just cleaning up peanut butter or whatever. I was like, huh? He's like he's just I don't have a problem. Throw I don't want it.
01:07:14
Don't bother me. Don't bother me. I screwed it up. I was like, I'm not that guy. I was crying in a mirror going, we were back here.
01:07:20
I'm 47 and we're the same in sixth grade. Why haven't we learned anything? Probably ice cream. All right.
01:07:28
We got to run. It was a lot of fun. Thanks for joining us. Love you. Are we done? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, let me take my headsets off. You might say bye.
01:07:37
That was there's so much more we can talk about.
01:07:40
Why can't we do our next episode? I know it's going to be fun to do it next time. I missed you. I'm really did, miss. Yeah, you did. You too, man. We got to do this on the road where we do live ones. And then, I don't know, maybe, maybe, maybe maybe a big show. Yeah, big shows.
01:07:51
I like it. Let's talk about it. All right. I love you too. Bye bye. Time. And one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tell stories in third style machine. There's not a chance in hell they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call on. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what more call to focus on Katie.