You remember the times I told you that, and we're joke, no. Do you know how many times I didn't know I was guessing. I know the Confederate statues joke.
Oh, we're right there.
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Hello, Americans and other citizens of the world.
Welcome to two one Caywood Americans. Your first. You're definitely first, America first and No. One in our books. America. That's right, America. And you know, man is watching you. He's following you. What's our record with wars? What do you mean?
Like we got World War One? World War Two, you count Spanish American War.
I mean, how many just type in. Oh, let's do this. We got a new Guler. How many wars has America won? Versus tied. Have we lost a war? Let's look at the let's see what the. Results are here now. How many women involved in that's going to be fucking astronomical, right? We're going back to war. Oh, here we go. This is an actual.
There we go. Win lost thing here. You hear them working, we have a new Google we want to mention. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, so far I'm impressed.
We're already at an answer. Do we have an actual number or it's just because this looks like it's a. More of the analysis, right? Yeah, it's not giving us a number. Let's go back and let's go back and see if there's another result. Well, as you look you look for that, see if you find an actual answer. Um. And we'll welcome the rest of the world. Yeah, you guys, too, including you, Ethiopia, who's going to war right now, including Ethiopia.
Do you think we have any fans in Ethiopia? Probably. You ever meet a fan that hey, congratulations on your new podcast, Tom Talks.
Oh, yeah. What do you think? I think you should let the other guy talk a little bit, but whatever.
Someone get me a workout from Tony Gonzales in the first 10 minutes.
OK, we're getting results here. Um, I talk a lot in the next one, too. You know what it is? I think I'm so supressed on this show that I really let it out. No, that's not what it is.
You are so excited to talk to Tony Gonzales and Yang Yang to Andrew Yang on. Yeah, Yang Yang Fuckup Yang Gang Dog.
And then what's he like? He's so accessible.
Like you can't believe you're talking to presidential candidate, president or former presidential candidate who is like you're I feel like you feel thankful that somebody like that, regardless of your politics, is involved in that world because you you get like a genuine sense of like somebody who just wants to help and you don't sense any, like, ego or power grab or like give me credit kind of from him.
It's it's just more he just he seems very accessible, like you relate to him in a way that you would never related to. That's what I told him to most politicians you like, but you're like my uncle or something, you know. I mean, like you look like you seem like a banker. You know, you don't feel like you can talk to the guy.
And I feel like with Yang, I thought I was like, I hope you stay in this world because you seem like such a relatable guy.
Is he did you ask him some hard hitting questions?
This is the fucking news. Yeah, of course.
I a video of an Asian guy getting into a wall, buy a car and be like, hey, Andrew, what do you think of that? That is just fucking you.
That is precisely why I don't have them on the couch. So tell me why you started some dogs. Because because I remember you saying a long time ago you like can we get you like I want to have Ricky Williams on. Yeah, but I don't like your mom's house isn't the right fit and you're like, I don't know if this is the right fit.
And then I'll tell you exactly why. Because there's just people that I want to have a conversation with and like just talk. And I don't feel like your mom's house is the place where a lot of them are. I'm like, you know, like I said, like, hey, man, you wanna see someone get a Coke and shove it up their ass? Like things like that. Where I go, I just feel like it's it's.
It's a place where I can actually have the conversation, I actually get, you know, like jealous that people get to do that, like, you know, underclassman, you just like talk to someone. Yeah, that's that's kind of like and and there's people who I I've we've done your mom's house long enough. You go there are just perfect fit. Sometimes they're not comedians. Like honestly, some of the best guests are musicians. But if it's somebody who I just go I really just want to ask to have a conversation.
That's really why I talk. I'm not committing to that's the thing is like I don't have to do it's not like, you know, the schedules dictating it.
I'm only going to have people on that who I really, really want to talk.
OK, let's do a wish list of Tom talks. OK, like let's do a wish list. Well, I have a list right here. Oh for real. Yeah. Oh, OK.
I'm going to smash past. All right. You say the name and I'm going to I'm going to tell you they're fucking awesome guest or I could pass immediately. OK, I want to talk to you. Start with in Ryang past. OK, keep going. OK, I just I don't know. I don't know anything about presidential candidates and I feel like that is such a shit show of a of a fucking breeding ground of hate from the Internet. I just go stay the fuck away.
Tony Gonzalez hardcore smash and I'd fuck him too. That guy is hot. That guy's fucking hot. He is gorgeous.
Yeah. He is a man that he's always is.
You feel like such a bitch standing next to him. I mean the whole time I was like, Daddy, can I talk like he's he's such.
Does he speak Spanish.
Some some guy's like, no, no. Um but that's like I was telling him because we were on a flight together, I was like, hey man, how many NFL players do you think he was reading a book and taking notes? And I was like, You're taking notes for yourself. He was like, Yeah, I know how many NFL players you think do that. He goes, how many people in society do that? And I was a good point because, like, I think the number is lower in the NFL.
I think it is. I think it is. You know what I was thinking?
You know, I was thinking today because because what happened with, you know, the Warren Sapp failing drug test to do two bears, one step and so that we couldn't do it. Oh, I wouldn't say that. Oh, my God. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. That's a joke, everybody. That's a joke. And you had more antics like that on bears once out. Yeah, but it didn't happen. It didn't happen for a lot of reasons.
But but what I was thinking is. Yes. What if we rescued. Yeah. A football player. What do you mean rescue.
Like someone who's been through the fucking wringer like I would today was like, what if we did it with Steve the bird like just like a fucking journeyman random dude who really has nothing to fucking lose.
Yeah. Literally is like running a bait shop in fucking Marathon Island down in Florida.
And he's like, if I can do it, he's like, I'll tell you what I hated about the locker room. Yeah. Yeah. I knew there were gay guys in there, but they wouldn't let us smoke them out, you know, like like a real like a real fuckin. You know what, I'm sorry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Guys, it's got nothing to lose and we just sit in between them and be like holy shit.
Like a straight up bigot. Yeah. Yeah that'd be great. It's like cut your fucking grad's black guys like one of those guys.
Oh yeah. Hard thing.
And say man well people are fucking like, like worried about you and we're not done with your fucking list. We're jumping to people are worried about you because you said a heart attack. So I'm fine.
I'm fine. No, no. Because like people we're proposing possible health issues. No, you're in you're like it's not possible.
Dude, look at me. I'm a fucking fit as a fiddle. I'm the fattest I've ever been right now. Here's the deal, so I get I get allergy induced asthma and I have and it always turns into bronchitis. And that's what happened at the beginning of the tour. And I couldn't get rid of this cough. I mean, I literally couldn't get rid of this cough.
And you think it was covered every time, every fucking morning. Because what would happen is we got a new puppy every morning.
Everyone. Are you like, I'm going to die today? You know, that's what America does. You wake up, you go chills, no aches. No. And then I go off check.
And so we have this new puppy and he does this thing called attack licks. I mean, it's the weirdest it's the funniest, greatest way to wake up.
He jumps in the bed at like 8:00 in the morning, seven thirty in the morning. And he does this thing where he like fake bites you, but he licks you.
But he is aggressive, like he's going, oh, my grandma. And it makes me laugh so hard. And I, I love attack licks. And so we do it every morning and I have an allergy attack every fucking morning and I couldn't kick the cough because it was coming up from allergies.
So I got on a steroid and an albuterol to have to get rid of it. But I do this thing when I get this cough where I cough to the point where it's like all the blood is rushed out of everywhere. Drew, explain it to me. And I almost passed out and I have passed out before. I have definitely passed out from coughing, but I'm fine. I ran three miles this morning. My knees kind of hurting me. So I kind of I want to help kick.
Speaking of which.
Oh, no Koolade today, big boy. No. Because on your health kick now, both of us are we're both on a health kick. You ready? OK. Here we go, I must make sure you like it. I try not to waste any. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was going to tell you. My first thought was that explosive diarrhea. I've never been more excited to say a hundred percent. That's why I love it as I view it, blow out the toilet, like just it looks like a pollock dripping.
Just I wrote a joke about in my last special, you shit on the underside of the seat, but you live to see it looks like he's got freckles. Tell me you think there's my concoction. It is. Yup.
Tears. It's very green is very hard to do. This is so good for you. It's not wine is not one that's a good that's a good bet, a lot of ginger is a lot of ginger.
It's good for your ginger is good for you.
Wait a minute. You got shit all over your face grill? Yeah.
Oh, are you fucking serious? I did Access Hollywood, but this all over my face yesterday. I was drinking one of these.
I'm all over my face. Ginger is loaded with antioxidants compounds which prevents stress against your body's DNA.
Here we go. That's all you should eat. High blood pressure, heart disease, disease, the lungs, healthy aging. Yeah, there's a fucking there is a Rogan sized thumb of ginger in there. I mean, it's really, really something.
I'll do another one. I'm fucking that's how good these are.
Make sure you drink it really fast. Why doesn't work.
I wonder if I drink it too fast. Sometimes this guy walks at me. I think of that man I didn't know you were like, OK, you know, when people like I love that. I love that. Like, I had no idea you were. And you're like, oh, OK. And he goes, someone told me pretty funny when I was like, appreciate the over the top compliment.
And he goes, you know, you knew that. And I was like, all right, well thanks, man. He goes, Yeah, man, it's like, I'll check you out. And I laughed and I was like, OK, thanks a lot, man. And he goes, Yeah, man, what's it called again that I know you from. And I go, well, I don't know.
I was there when you look, I'm not I'm not even sure what you're referencing.
He's like your show.
I go with show and he goes up to the cabin and I go, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, he like that. And he goes, Yeah, man. So I was saying, like, you're funny guy. And I go, that's what you know me from. And he goes, Isn't that your show? And I go, Yeah.
So you're like, hey man, want to suck your dick. And he's like, you're like, No, I don't want to talk on my show. All right, go to your smash pass list. I want to see these guest guest guests. What? We got to look at our war data first. Oh, yeah, OK, go back to our war data. I must say, the name of a country, you tell me if you think we beat them ready Yemen, if we ever beat them in a war, have we fought them in a war?
I mean, we've bombed them, then that's a win.
All right. Take it. America one. Yemen, Zira, Hezbollah. Yeah, we fought. Hezbollah is not a country. It's not it's not a country.
All right. It's an organization that they get kind of fiery about some things. All right. Have we ever fought Russia?
Well, I mean, we were not. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Because in a no, in what we don't it's not like the Russia American war, but we were adversaries in.
Did we ever go to where we probably went to. Yeah, we probably were shot a few people. Right. Those are the days by the way. I brought that up to me. It's like he was I did a I did a show.
This is so hilarious what you're like. Yeah, I did. I don't know.
It's just funny because I've seen so many interviews with, like, rappers.
I love the show. Yeah. I love his interviews. He's like burnt spit some bars. By the way, if he was it like growing up in the streets dog. It was a cul de sac.
But he's he's it's like in your book you wrote that Russians are disgusting.
Like whatever I wrote about Russia as he's reading it off and it sounds horrible. I'm like I think Vlad's Rozin.
He was like you said, it was nice to know who your enemies were because it wasn't racist back then.
And I was like, all right, I didn't wait to see this. Oh, dude. Kevin Hart, he crashed. You trash Kevin Hart trash and trash him. I'm fucking I'm trying to make a joke and it never worked. And, you know, I like here's the problem is that this is what's wrong with cancer. Culture is sometimes you make a joke and it doesn't fucking work and then you keep working that joke until one day it works.
I mean, do you remember the times I told you that and we're joke? No. How do you know how many times?
I didn't know I was guessing. I know the Confederate statues joke.
Oh, we're right there. I tried that joke on this show. I tried. What was the joke? I can't watch. Can't tell it now because it's works in my my act. I want to use it for my special.
OK, but I told you I have a Confederate statues joke. I don't think it's the same. I listen to yours. Yeah. Yeah it's not the same. Yeah right. Is my mine. People enjoy it.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
So I, I wrote it and I, and I fucked it up so many times. I remember. I know.
Do you remember me telling it here. Don't spit it out. Oh my God.
I almost puked it out. It's good right. It's good. But that's not why it's going to spit it out. Go ahead. Keep the dog. You remember I made you take it out of the show.
It sounds it sounds a little familiar. Yeah. Because it was like it was I just wasn't doing it right. And then I did it right. So, like, I had this joke about not a joke.
Is this premise about Kevin Hart where I was I don't want to fire, but I was saying I'm tired of people saying they work hard, like I'm tired of hard work being how why you're successful. All right? It just drives me nuts because I've worked hard my whole life. But I was unsuccessful at periods of time. Yeah. And I was like I was like, but I'm busting my ass. And there are people that work hard that aren't successful.
And I just was like, I'm trying to I've been trying to a bit.
I guess I went off on this one time and I was like, fuck hard work or what? I don't know. And I was like, talk about the times. I don't know. My point is Kevin Hart's new specials. Awesome. I'd love to go.
Oh, my God.
It sucks because I do love the way the little cabin on Vlade. You bagged his. I didn't bag Kevin Hart.
I bagged people who brag about hard work being like seven, which is very Kevin. Yeah, it's very Kevin. It's very the rock. It's like it's like there's certain things like and you can't like.
Here's I think the thing, the thing about let's get to the bottom of this because you work hard, correct.
Yeah. Do you attribute your success to hard work or do you do you attribute. Let's just try to identify the luck in your career that you go. I was actually fucking really lucky that happened and if that hadn't happened, I don't know where I'd be. There's a few names. My name, all mine. Rolling Stone magazine.
Yeah, I mean, I was a fucking six 1/2 year college student and I had no plans and also my husband discovers me, called me No. One part in the country, and literally alverson off the rest of my life. And I get the confidence to do stand up. Had that never happened.
I have no career in this business, no nothing in boats. I'd be cleaning boats.
Dreiser, tell us what you think about the vaccine morality. Well, I think you should go to Mexico first. All right. Graduated first. You go.
I was lucky. A couple of times once that I was lucky that I was dumb enough to quit my day job when I did, which was definitely too early, like, definitely, yeah.
Yeah. And it was well-paying. I fucked myself, but it made me go, oh, I have to make a living doing stand up.
I mean, I barely scraped by, but that that's like people will be like you made it but it's like that was not well thought out. And the payoff is, is that, you know, then I was I was lucky that Comedy Central passed on completely normal and.
Right. And that and that was the goal. And then I was lucky that I got the call and they're like, hey, Netflix is going to like it. But it wasn't today's Netflix. It was 2013.
Do you think? I think I think a lot of and I was like, oh, all right. I remember when you telling me, yeah, Netflix has kind of blown up like. Yeah. And I was like, I mean, you and Bill were the first people on Netflix that really popped.
Well, Bill is the one who he told me he was like, dude, because I was like, yeah, it's going on Netflix. He's like, you know, that's good, right? And I was like, is it? And he goes he goes, it's way more for me than anything else in my career.
I remember him saying that I was like, no, because he was already like, yeah.
Like he was like, you know, one of the main dudes in stand up. I was like, for real. And he goes, Oh yeah, he goes by far. I was like, all right.
And so but that luck, that's luck. I think the timing is totally fucking because I could have gone to Comedy Central on Comedy Central.
You realize you would not be. So we wouldn't be sitting here. I wouldn't. Here's the other thing. I wouldn't be sitting here. It's like my relationship with you forged in and let's kill it.
You want to kill it? My relationship with you. And whatever serendipity it is, or luck, but luck that we work together one weekend and we've got each other's personalities are having a good time, they're able to do these games together. That's I believe that's luck. I believe in that.
You know, I told Joe this few weeks ago, and I don't think it registered to him that I was I was kind of talking about luck to that. So I won a contest to host three shows on the Bud Light Maxim Real Men of Comedy tour, which was Joe Rogan, Charlie Murphy and John Heferen.
And I got to open three shows and do three minutes cold. Right? Three minutes.
They're like, get off after three minutes, which like you can't even, you know, imagine opening three minutes is impossible.
It's fucking time to do five for Drew Carey.
And I was like, tearing through my name and then it's over. Yeah. So what I told him was I go, you know, he he always talks about how he met me there and we connected. But here's the moment.
He doesn't realize that I think would have definitely at least changed our when we would have maybe connected or become friends, the last show I did on that tour.
So everybody who want to, like, contest regionally got to do three dates. I got to do Irvine, San Diego and Phoenix. Phoenix was the big show. It was a big theatre show at the celebrity year round in the round.
I got it's so funny that I remember this. You remember you telling me about this.
There was two thousand seven, so. I'm back, I, uh, I remember that I did the show, I remember them in the green room and Joe's there with like a crew red band. And these guys and I remember there was it was a Saturday night and it was it was in the fall. So college football was on and like so I'm watching, like, LSU, Auburn or something. And somebody is like, hey, you know, there's a there's like some fight on.
And I was like, who the fuck would want to watch a fight? Like if you have college football on? And they were all like, what? I was like, I mean, you'd rather watch fights than this.
And they were like buddies were like, yeah. And I was like, well, I have no interest in watching that bullshit. And I don't think I even knew. And one of the guys was like, I am a fighter.
And I was like, oh, OK. Well, if you want to watch that shit, go ahead. So you're like one of the burdens of archery.
Yeah, I was like, so fucking boring. So I got I did my set and then that night because they would take they would take turns closing, closing the shows.
So Phoenix Joe was closing.
So after Charlie gets off, we're hanging out in the in the green room and we're just like getting along.
He's like he's laughing and I'm like so it's like because I'm such a Chappelle's Show fan and everything.
So he's like an odd Charlie Murphy fan, like I mean. Yeah, before Charlie Murphy was Charlie Murphy. I knew Charlie Murphy. Yeah. Charlie Murphy. Yeah. Because you see him, he'd pop up in movies.
And so anyways he's like yeah he's like going to go to dinner. And I was like, OK, he goes, do you want to come on.
I was like, oh my God, yes, I'm coming right now. Yeah. So he's like I bet like he and he had rich rich wasis like his cousin. He's like, I mean we're going to go. So he starts walking down the hall and he's walking out.
I'm following like ten feet behind. And as I'm following him, Joe stops me in the hallway and he goes, Hey, man, you know, this was really fun. He goes, You're really funny. And I go, Oh, thanks, man. And as he's saying that, I'm like, I'm looking down the hall because Charlie's walking out. And it's not like a relationship is forged to the point where I can go like, hey, Chuck, hold up like I can't.
So I'm like, oh yeah, I go. Thanks a lot, man. I really appreciate that. And he goes, yeah, dude, like, really funny. You know, you only had like a few minutes and I'm like, yeah, thanks. And I start kind of like, dude, in fact you guys fucking up my relationship with Charlie Murphy.
So I started taking like a step away, you know, and he's like he goes, do you ever want to like, do gigs together? And I was like, I mean, yeah, I'd love to. I'd love to, of course. And he's like, yeah, um, I'm like, this is all happening in a very normal natural pace.
But the whole time I'm like, he's leaving right now. Yeah. So I go, absolutely man. Like any time. And then I start to, to like go I appreciate that. He goes, well he goes, give me your number. Like, oh, yeah, yeah, so I give him my number and he's like, yeah, like really funny, I go, Yeah, look, I got to go because we're going to dinner.
And he's like, oh, OK. And I go I go outside and I don't see Charlie. And then I see like a truck, you know, 50 yards away. And the clearly like the car started, the lights are going on and I like sprint to the truck and I get in.
So you get there five minutes later. Oh my God. I get in and then we go to dinner and I have this dinner that I'll never forget.
You told you told me about Richard, which is so fun. But what I was telling Joe, I was like, you realize that.
Like, if I had. Ten seconds earlier, walked down that hall, whatever, I thought maybe we would have befriended each other, like I probably would have seen you at some point. You mean like I remember you from that thing.
But he called me two weeks later and took me to Tampa to do shows before UFC. And I was like that that hallway interaction was like luck. It was like a moment.
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Is it maybe too much of the butterfly effect.
But I go had that not happened with you and Joe, I would not have met Joe.
Ever met Joe. Well probably like later maybe. Probably, but I wouldn't have met him the way I met him. Yeah. Initially, whereas it was early.
It was before. It was before. He is who he is today, which is when we did Tampa.
We did two shows at the Tampa Improv. That that was that was crazy, and then and then I saw that I think that's where I wish that people. It's in my opinion, it feels very exclusionary to say that hard work is what got me here. It's like I know what you're saying. Prince William was like, I'm like the hardest working prince.
You know what those guys, you know, all those guys should reframe. The guys who lead with that was hard work is incredibly important once you've made a name for yourself. Yes. Oh, so like once you are like, I'm Kevin Hart.
I'm this guy, you know, this star. I'm I'm the rock.
Like, now that you reach that point, you got to work. And I think that's what they're kind of meaning, like, once I got here, I can't chill out. Like, I have to work really hard to stay here today to be putting out content and stay, you know, in the like ice or whatever. But like, it's the hard work to getting there does involve the hard work to getting there.
But but I also go like I mean, how many people do we know that we started with bust their fucking ass?
But I'll I'll name a fuckin name right now who I love, a guy I think's massively talented.
Fucking the hardest working dude I know. Yeah. Who isn't selling theaters and should be Jay Larson. Jay Larson's fucking hilarious.
Yeah. As one of my favorite jokes ever written, you will not find it.
Is it wrong. No. Fucking wrong number is the funniest phone number.
It is like it is a it is. I mean it is a joke. I tell this to Jay every time that he should tell, every time he's on stage, it's that good. And he's not he's not he doesn't have the recognition that he should have. And I will in you know, this cycle will tell you this pound for pound. There is not one person in this industry that works harder than Jay Larson. He work he gets up every fucking morning, vision board, fucking script, one hour on my script, one on my television pilot one.
I just and we're talking on spec producing a show for golf pass, producing a show for this, doing a podcast like he is. And then and I'm sure Jay was like, look, man, I'm happy. I don't need to be Kevin Hart. I'm sure he would love to be. At my point in this is like I was Jay Larson four years ago going like, I'm fucking killing, I'm busting my ass. Where's this? When's this hard work pay off?
That was my point.
Yeah. Is it sounds. It sounds like this is a bad analogy, really, really bad analogy, but it sounds like one thing to us when white dudes go, Oh, where's my white privilege?
And you're like you're like I think she's a horrible analogy. But like you're like you're like you got it. You just don't see it. Like there's certain times you get it. You just don't see it. Yeah. Like and so when you flip it to see like you never hear Tom Hanks go like I'm the hardest working man in show business. Right.
He's just just put the work in. Yeah.
I mean I think I think anybody Kevin not now I've got to say good shit about Kevin because we've seen it before. He is singularly one of the funniest individuals alive. Like if you gave him a bowl of popcorn and sat across from him on a couch and watched him eat popcorn. Yeah. And didn't say a word, you'd be crying, laughing. And he and he wouldn't be trying at all.
He is that fucking funny is special whenever he does one of my favorite bits ever as he does the Shaq Sedrick thing. The Shaq Sedrick.
You ever seen a Shaq Cedric all star is set to change the way I did. Stand up. Now it's Shaq. Cedric, he goes out everyone, Derate Davis, Eric Spears, Tommy Davidson all go out and kind of do crowd work and fuck around with the way people are dressed and and keep it, keep it kind of urban is a predominately black crowd. Kevin Hart just goes out and tells a joke. He sells a fucking joke. You he closes a show and he's not Kevin Hart.
Today he tells a joke and the joke is fucking fucking hilarious.
He goes, I think my baby, stupid, every time he talks to goes on and then he layer's this into every story he's like. And then my son walks in and he's like, nah. And it just was a it was a structured joke.
And it made you think like, oh, that's right. Comedy is also fucking it's the math of it and it's such a great set change the way I look at stand up really did.
And so I love Kevin. I love Kevin. But the fucking hard work stuff I get, I hear that so much. And Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld a attributable to hard work.
And you like overborne. Can we just break it down for a second? Yeah, you had a late night talk show deal that they didn't want to use, so they flipped it into a sitcom which put you on in a different time frame. You had different standards for like this is from what I've heard, there wasn't you had the development team that was late night talk. You didn't have the current, you know, like development group that was for sitcoms.
So you got opportunities to do things they wouldn't have never allowed you to do. And, you know, it's like there's so much lockpick goes involved to that that you that I just want someone to go. I'm pretty lucky. I'm kind of the fucking luckiest guy in the world.
And I know people go, yeah, but you're barely talented. We get it like, but but I'm the luckiest guy in the world. And I was just wondering, like, when you give hope to people that are sitting watching this going, I want her to stand up, I go, oh, it's totally possible you're going to get lucky as fuck like that.
Yeah, I mean, I, I think you're right. I think being successful at standup is kind of like a a trifecta though.
Like it is. There's innate talent in pretty much not pretty much in every successful comedian. They have some innate talent and ability. Oh yeah.
Something is just funny about the way that person thinks or delivers what like I said, watching Kevin already, lack of the then there is, um, a luck factor, like a timing thing, like, you know, like meeting this person or getting your special acquired, like when you didn't think, you know, it was going to make it like that's that timing luck thing.
And then there is like work because you do have to put in a lot of time when you think about all the shitty shows we did, you know, over a decade and then you're like, man, I did all those shows, you know, made me better at doing standup.
I what I want them to say is this, that I just realized what I want them to say, OK, use examples of people that don't work hard. They got the same luck they did and we don't talk about it anymore and go see that motherfucker.
They did a card. Yeah. And you go, OK then. Now I get your analogy.
Yeah. So we won ninety four wars.
The United States fucking out of how many, uh, how many wars are you being serious right now.
We won ninety four wars. That's what they put on the board. We won ninety four wars in two hundred years. Yeah. Do they have, like, take a fucking war? They have these last 10 years a loss column is the one that says lost.
There's hardly any that they say we've lost. Most are inconclusive or other result or ongoing.
We don't lose any words. We tie a few. But like Vietnam wasn't a loss. It was just like a like a time out. There's a whole whole movie there.
We'll be about Vietnam. What if Trump had said, hey, guys, I'm leaving office, I can see the war, I can see what Native Americans want to couple with the Sioux, the Arapaho, it looks like they they beat the United States in the Powder River. Yeah, it was three on one, though, I.
I can't help that. OK. And the other one there looks like us, us, because it had a whole breakdown, you said, about Vietnam, I don't know.
It was like. Didn't it say, like, look at this? Well, there you go. OK, so it does say North Vietnamese allied victory because the withdrawal of American forces. But there was another article with way too lengthy to get in.
I love I love the. I was going to say, I think Trump right before he goes, I'll concede the victory to Biden, but we're starting the Vietnam War again and go deploy troops to Vietnam.
I said it jokingly and then I was like because I was like, you know, he's going to start firing people and he has been firing people left and right. And then I was like, you know, maybe he'll just like test a nuke and be like, what? Like, I felt like it. I could totally see, like, it would be January 19th.
And they hear what happened. Like what? It's like like can we bombed Rome?
What? Yeah, he's behaving the way I did when I got fired from Barnes and Noble. Like, I was like, oh, you want to see what an exit looks like? Suck my dick, Dwayne.
Yeah, I wish he would fucking. What if he brought that up when he was doing crazy shit? You should never fucking fire Burt Barnes and Noble.
What if he, you know, he could just. Does that fucking Ron? Oh, boy, it sure, whatever you want. Telnaes on. And you embed. Yeah, you want to be in bed with me? Everybody got a laugh out of that.
You're on the tuberose one gave whatsoever on what's going on. It's not much, but how are you doing? I'm good, man. I'm good. I've finished working for the slave driver. So if you need a bus driver, give me a call. You see that? I've seen one. He just had me doing eight days. It was. It was ridiculous. Yes, it was six thousand miles in eight days. He is the worst man.
I wouldn't I wouldn't say.
I think that terminology is a little aggressive.
I think Sweatshop Boss would sound better when you have just finished. All right, OPIS.
That was Ron, everybody, my bus driver, just to give everyone a heads up. He used a different term for you. Forget, Ron, by the way, you had this great thought. You know, there's not a lot, but they come out of you and you requested that gay guys tell us what kind of presence they give.
Oh, shut up. We don't get feedback on that, did we? We did. So, yeah. Are you ready? I am. You're going to love this.
OK, says Tim. And Bart can confirm that gay dudes give the best presents.
Dated a guy sorry, dated a girl with a gay brother for my birthday. One year she got me unwrapped, portable DVD player.
He got me a baseball signed by Mariano Rivera and two tickets to the Subway Series, one for me and one for his dumb sister.
The DVD player wasn't even wrapped. It was just in a gift bag. No card, no fancy paper, best S.. Hello, men. Being gay and married. You are right. We do know how to get each other better gifts than our heterosexual counterparts. My husband recently got me a private charter to Vegas with my friends as well as sweet as the at the Cosmopolitan for three days he just turned 50 this past summer and I sent him to Mexico with friends and bought him a Mercedes.
Sean, how did Tom and Blart around a year ago? I lost my custom Letterman jacket from my high school football years. It sounds silly now, but the loss of this Letterman jacket really broke my heart for my birthday this year, my boyfriend contacted the company. My high school used to make the Letterman's and had my entire football jacket remade. Not only that, but he also bought me a rifle and gave me a fat blowjob for his birthday. I bought him a HTC Virtual Reality Device and tickets for skydiving regards.
Joey from Texas.
I mean, we're getting just absolutely killed in this thing, like seems to be a website where women can go to it and then they find a gay guy. Gay guy. Let me help you out. Let me help you. Tell me about your husband, Christmas Eve.
My wife of ten years decided to get me two packs of socks, three packs of underwear and a Costco pack of Mach five razors. I looked her dead in her eyes and told her, you don't love me. Later that night, we went to a party to hang with a few friends. Her gay friend Ryan bought us gifts. I reluctantly open mind and it was a Nintendo switch with three games, a case and screen protectors.
I began to cry as I looked at my wife and said, This is a real gift. You evil, which Sydney.
I'm fucking. I need an intervention. I need an intervention.
What's your big. What's your big like. I'll be one hundred dollars. But everything right now tell me, ask me any question. I want to know my lifestyle and I will fucking tell you in hopes that someone hears this and goes, I got a quick fix for you.
What's the. What's the big challenge for what what what are you doing wrong that you know you're doing wrong? Whose booze is booze? Booze opens a floodgate like of you know what it does? It loosens my brain up to start shouting at me like like yesterday. I'm so good. I have this juice. I drink the whole thing myself. Right. That was all I had until about three o'clock. Three o'clock. I had chicken breasts. I swear to God, I'll tell you.
I'm gonna tell you exactly what I had. I put it down on Neum as Pneuma sponsor. Huh? This is exactly what I had yesterday to I, I measured it, Tom. Yeah, I even even weighed it.
OK, I'm super jealous, by the way. What, that booze is your thing?
No, but as soon as I start drinking, then I don't allow myself to eat whatever the fuck I want. Right. And so I was. How do I go to. No. No. How do I look at my last. Oh, I got it, I got it. Here we go. Today is November 18th, right? Yeah, no. Yep, it was November 17th, you ready this I had ten a thousand calories yesterday before I started drinking.
There are thousands, pretty lady, and yeah, I had ninety nine calories of kale, 95 calories of a Granny Smith apple, 11 calories of a cucumber. Is that one of these? Yep. OK, five calories of baby spinach. This is your your morning. That's my this is my entire day. Right up until like that's how you start this. Yeah. That's my that's my morning. Uh, I had three hundred and twenty six calories of chicken breast.
Two hundred and twenty three calories of pepper jack cheese on the chicken breast. Just a little razzle dazzle, huh.
Two hundred and ninety two calories of coleslaw because fucking LeAnn bought Popeye's Chicken and brought it home and I was like, I'll eat the coleslaw. That'll be healthy. It's not healthy. I might as well just had a handful of pepper jack cheese and that's my day. And then. And then now here's where the wheels come off.
When did the boom start with time.
Look and sound early to you, but like five o'clock, five o'clock, five o'clock we get covered tests. Right, because my parents pull in. Ron's there. Oh they're here now. Yeah. They took the bus and so we tested everyone, my sisters, my brother in law, because we're all in the bubble now. And so and so I. You do realize you're outside.
I fucking as soon as I said that I said I'm outside the bubble. But but this is a this is controlled chaos. You were tested, what, the other day. Yes. And so I'm fine with this. They are they're wearing masks. We're fine.
OK, and so. I open a bottle of wine because everyone's negative and it's the start of Thanksgiving. Let's have a bottle of wine, open a bottle of wine. Fine right fit. Fine child to fit. Fine thereas awesome. I drank all of that wine by myself, that one bottle, because it just fit and goes down so fucking easy. We go over to my sister's house and they don't have snacks. ABC's World dieting and their snacks and I start spinning out of control and then I start saying stuff like who the fuck invite someone over and doesn't have a cracker or cheese or something.
So then they put out some cheese crackers pepperonis and I fuck it up.
I mean, I probably know how a thousand calories of that.
And then Dan Tana's shows up. They ordered out from Dan Tana's. I was I made myself sick. It was like it was up here where you start going, I think I'm going to rupture something. Yeah, I mean, I ate a meatball. Bologna is a white sauce, pasta of a chicken, a chicken like parmesan chicken.
Three pieces of pizza, and I'm just like it's like almost like I can't stop and there's and there's no like I don't know what goes on in a regular person's head where they go.
I'm just going to my wife goes, you know what, I'm going to stop right now because I don't think I'm full and I think I've had enough. And I was like, I'll just eat your plate to that. Right. Right. And so, like, I just can't do it. And by the way, can I tell you the only way I can diet and I know this sounds horrible. This is the way we did. So I her the first weight loss and I, I at four o'clock I wanted to just go four p.m. before anyone got there.
I said if I take advantage right now, I will not drink and I will go to sleep and I can just go to sleep hungry. So I'm on Xanax, I'll pass out and I'll wake up with no calories and that's the only way I can die. That's a good way to do it. Yeah, it's like the Michael Jackson diet is the only way I can die. That's the only way I can it.
So it's like loss of control, right? Like especially if booze get.
I'm so in control right now. Like, I don't I'm not hungry at all. I've had coffee, I've had the shake. I'm fine.
So you guys came over the other night. You in the end and I had the best time with you.
I couldn't but could not I mean lose control in that. Yes. I was done eating my plate before LeAnn and Bush had started.
We were all talking about it. And you also had your second bowl and my second bowl with fries. I had Tom. I had lost control when I got here.
Well, I you also I can tell you the moment I lost control and when you opened the third bottle, no one I called it, by the way, I was drinking bottles by myself and are pussies asleep going, can you do this at your house.
Hold on. I said a statement, and this is when I lost control. OK, I said the statement that Ben. Agag, no, it's not OK, because I want to I want to remember something. Thank you. I said we got into your house and you said something. Would you like a glass of wine? I said, yeah, fill it up and pour it. I need I need it quick. Like I was spinning out at your house.
My shoes were tight, remember. Yeah. And I was like and I had a hard time getting my shoes off. You know, you're gaining weight when your shoes are tight.
Yeah. And it's not and it's not from tying them. No. Their boots. Yeah.
So and so.
And that first glass of wine I ripped through and and then I remember you guys brought up cheese.
I was like, no, no, no, no, I'm on a diet. I'm not going to touch that. And you guys are like, Are you sure? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Bush goes, I mean, it's I mean, some comfort food. And I just I ate it. I was trying to slow down cause I was trying to pace myself with you. And I couldn't I was like a done is done.
Another bowl and push hadn't even sat down yet. Yeah. She had even sat down. She was like it was a beef stew. It's a beef stew. Yeah.
I had two bowls of it, some pecan pie, some ice cream and three bottles of wine at your house.
And that's not the bottle of wine I had because you don't know this, but I brought three bottles of wine to your house. Yeah. And I put two in the car and left them there for the ride.
You remember I said, do you guys have a roadie cop? And you're like, you want me to pull up and want to go hang out, wait in the car? Yeah. And then I drink on the ride home and then kept drinking at my house, just going like I'm going to fuck up some pretzels. Hey, pretzels at night.
Yeah. OK, but actually it all makes sense. I mean like hearing you lay it out. Yeah it is that like because most people myself included, I don't drink that much but every time I do like go any extra I completely have no regard for what I'm going to eat completely. Like I already ate too much and I'm not disciplined enough as an eater. But if you introduce booze to me, it definitely falls apart.
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Definitely. When we were on the go big show I didn't. I was really scared about covid and at the time very scared because we had been on tour and I was getting legit tested every day. And so the first we quarantined for five days I want to say five days we quarantine for.
And my cousin Andrew has signed me up as a pescatore and is a dick move. He was like, you need to lose weight. He's like, I'm signing you up as a pass criterium where like because it was the meals were delivered, OK?
So the first few meals show up and I started losing weight aggressively because I just started drugging myself at four o'clock in the evening.
I could just be like, I don't want to eat. And so I just take a Xanax. And then Tom, this is super bad is if I wasn't asleep by 8:00, I'd take another half of Xanax and just fucking pass out. I had nothing to do. I was in a hotel room and I lost so much weight by drugging myself.
It's like the Bill Cosby diet just fucking so.
Fuck, man. So what time would you get up in the morning?
Be like hungover in the morning from the sleep all day? Yeah, if I can sleep all day. I wasn't drinking. I didn't drink for the first two weeks of that show and I was just now. But here's the deal is I also am also a little I'm a little litigious.
So like that first day I was coming in hot, I was like I was like very hungover. We've been partying at a at a beach house with the whole crew, the whole tour. And so I came in and that night I gave myself a Xanax, like I got into the room and like for a five dinner got served.
And I thought, if I take a Xanax right now, I won't eat it. I'll put it in the fridge, save it for later. Took a Xanax at eight o'clock that night. I took another half of Xanax. And by the way, when I say half, it was only it's still under a milligram of Xanax. It's only like seven point seventy five milligrams of Xanax. And I was out and I slept the whole next day. I just kept sleeping.
I got up. I took a walk at like 4:00 p.m. I watched the sunset and I drug myself again.
Now I'm like, no calories. Right? I know this isn't healthy. That's why they call me the Alex Jones of Fitness. I drug myself again and I go just now. It's like just one Xanax. Yeah, pass. I'll sleep until like ten.
I wish the whole country was just taking Xanax, you know.
Right. It's such a great role for you.
It's not addictive and it just makes you strong. But I find myself off from whatever that first time is. Everything there is less and less. And then you get a couple of nights where you're like, well, like, what about a Xanax? And you're like, no, I can't do that. And so then you got to have one or two nights of those. Yeah. Where you're like you're just like, I'm not sleeping great. Yeah.
And then you start sleeping great again.
And so this, by the way, it reminds me of Joey's note. If you eat if you eat way too high a dosage of edibles, which is what he does, really, he's like now you got to do you take a baby Xanax.
And I go, what do you mean? He goes, take the edge off. You know, that's the move.
If you take like five hundred milligrams and then you just take a little babies and then it's just smooth. I was like, no, it's not.
Yeah, yeah. You had to do that right. Yeah. It didn't work at all. Are you serious. Fuck no. I'm losing my mind.
What was that like? You went on stage with a thousand milligrams in him. He did, yeah.
And then I was like, how how did you get through that? He was like, that's why I wrapped it up.
I'm starting to freak out, but like, you never see it on him. Like you don't ever see his panic.
He says that he's actually freaking out.
I talked to Andre about it. Eric Andre says he if he does mushrooms, you like to take a little Xanax to make sure it's a fun trip.
But but my problem is, I don't know. But you really are your heaviest right now ever. No, not ever. I've been I have been heavier, but right now I can't I cannot I cannot reel it in at night. This is really the funniest thing you said.
What? So we were we had dinner. We were drinking. You were you were laying on the couch. You remember I went and you're like, I feel it would be a come on, fill it up, fill it up, that thing.
And then we were talking about, um, peptides and aging. And you're like Leeann's fucking fifty. And I go, you know, I'm, I'm forty one and I go so much younger than you guys because you guys are all older than me. And I go, gosh, like I don't even know when what it's like when will I be fifty. And then it goes well nine years and then. And then she go you go and you'll be like no she goes you'll be fifty and I'll be almost 60 and you get so gross.
You're gross, so gross.
I couldn't stop laughing that you thought you were calling her gross for aging.
I told you that we were we were we were somewhere that when someone was saying, oh, I know I'm going to get lit up for this, someone goes, our friend's wife has gained like a hundred and fifty pounds or something.
What? Yeah. And then. And then and our other friend's wife was an alcoholic. And I just was like, first off, if your spouse gains how much weight you cheat on them and LeAnn goes, you're at your fattest right now.
And I was like, oh, I was like, oh, shit. I realize what I said. Yeah.
And then the other and the other one was our friend was an alcoholic, but she makes all the money and I. Like, well, no one's going to say anything, one to an alcoholic who's making the money. Just keep your fucking mouth shut and, like, realize what you're saying. By the way, can I tell you I'm still upset. I talked about this in therapy. I'm still upset that we had a scenario where LeAnn says someone said, Bert, because everyone's moving out of L.A. There's a Bert hypothetical situation.
If you were going to leave, where would you want to live? And I said, maybe Florida and goes, hold on. We have not talked about this at all.
And I went, there's a hypothetical situation. Yeah, I know, but I don't want to live in Florida. I go, yeah, but this is hypothetical. They didn't say, hey, Burt, dead serious. You have to move tomorrow. We're going to kill your whole family. Let me talk to LeAnn. I'm not going to go talk that in a fucking situation. What am I supposed to say? Oh, let me get back to you.
In a month after I've talked about it and we've slept on it, I go, fuck, I got so pissed. He's been doing that so much to me lately. She just jumps on me.
You guys, by the way, are way more harsh with each other. That's one thing I notice. For real. Yeah.
What do you mean, like the way you guys talk to each other. Maybe it's a good thing.
Like you're just you guys are very direct and you're like, oh it's LeAnn. Yeah. Yeah.
It has been called brutal honesty, brutal honesty.
Like when she saw your play, like you can't act. I'm a good actor. Yeah, you don't. Listen, I was like a lot of people just say it was great and then just go on with it. She's like, well, why would I would I lie? I was like, a lot of people just lie. It makes it easier to be with people.
Yeah. I was like, fucking so cool that this is why I'm falling in love with. Yeah. And then like, the whole thing, like, well you're fat, you got to lose weight, you're fat like no it's gross.
And you're like, no, I see it too. She's oh she's, she's just, she is.
She told me one time she said something about running, she was running just stupid. It's not working. And I went, what do you mean not working. She was not working. Look at you. And I was like, I know she is. You need to switch it up, you know, lift weights. You need to do something. It's just not working. This is spin class or bullshit. And I was like, you sound like Rogen like that is what Joe says is a spin class and the running is bullshit.
You got to lift weights. I'm like, what the fuck? Did I marry a little fucking Rogen?
This just keeps it real on, like, you know, just fucking the realest dude you'll ever meet. Yeah, he'll tell you.
He's very direct. He's direct, Leeann's direct, and I'm not direct at all. I would rather you feel good about yourself.
Right. And tell someone they look great. God, where do you have the Lisa left eye. Paul, I, I throw your headphones out by.
What did I say. No this was like this. I laughed so hard in the moment but also even afterwards. What is it. It's a clip.
It's a clip from when we did our lives. Or will it play here. Well, OK. When we did our live show, last one. Am I drunk at this point? I think so. When we tell the story, we remember Lisa left us says way more than we remember Andre. Let's hear it again. When we tell the story, we remember Lisa left sort of way more than we remember I was. Holy shit.
Oh, how far away will Russell?
I'm one of them getting Alzheimer's. You're not I wonder if I'm getting the you know, you're just drunk there. You know, Michael J. Fox got Parkinson's at 29.
I didn't know he was that young. It made me feel so much better about it. So I was like, I thought, I've already shown up already. Parkinson's. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't think you have that, I don't think I do. Now, you always wonder. Yeah. You know, if you get out of bed, you're like a shaky man.
I have I have a disease. Genetics. What disease? I know this. So many people in my family did get bad diseases. Cancers. Yeah. So many don't have it.
And there's no cancer in my family. Knock on wood.
Just in the last two weeks, two people my family got diagnosed with cancer. Really? Yeah. And it's already been other people.
You know, why don't they have like a screening process early where you can just they do everything they can. They can see if you have genetic markers for these things. Oh, but like the way they do covid. It's so nice to know you're in the clear. Yeah, we should do that.
We should just swab your nasal. They need more testing for more stuff at home, testing.
They need apps that test for shit. Like what. Like for cancer. If you have a cancer app and you just put your thumb on the thing and they're like, you're predisposed to cancer. Yeah. Or my think it's heart disease. That's how I'm going. You are. That's why I run so much. Hmmm, I'm going to I'm going to have a heart disease or stroke. That's why I wake up every morning and check my face, smile, make sure I don't have a stroke.
Yeah, because you were always worried about Bell's palsy.
Still worried about Bell's palsy. Why that specifically? Because it just it fucking it's like you can't do stand up. You're just fucked until the Lord decides your face gets to work again. Yeah.
Eddie, if got it and he was due, I think Eddie got it in an airport like it just struck him in the airport. The second part of what's happening. Oh my God. It's like this is not cool.
That's really scary. It happened to Tony Gonzalez. He had Bell's palsy. Yeah. No fucking way. Did you talk about that? They pull a picture of Tony Gonzalez.
I don't think he went out when he had it. Let's see if we can find it. He didn't play, did he? How did you know that he had it?
Because it was like reported. Oh, my God, he looks like Sylvester Stallone there, that is Sylvester Stallone. Oh, yeah, he's such a good looking man. Yeah, who's he married to, um. Her name is October. Mm hmm, or a bad name? Yeah, I don't think there's going to be a photo of him like that, but he definitely had it. If you go back to just results, seven celebrities who had Bell's palsy.
Scroll down, scroll down, go back, go back, scroll down, go back, scroll down, scroll down over to the right where it looks like Bill Hicks is on there. Seven celebrities who had Bell's palsy, see they are. Does it say who's that? Oh, it's Andrew Lloyd Webber. OK, OK, then, Pierce Brosnan. Wow. He got in his in his youth.
It says if George Clooney, George Clooney, you can get any.
He got it in middle school. Tony Gonzalez, yeah, he rolled back up, it says, I was during the off season in 07. Yeah, he changed his diet.
Oh my God, you can get it from your diet. Think so. There you go. Rick Savage, Def Leppard, Roseanne Barr. I didn't know she had that. Roseanne Barr had Bell's palsy.
Stallone Oh, no. Those are residual effects from his his stupid slur and his smile.
No, he was his mom tried to abort him as a baby. And you didn't know this. This is true. His mom tried to get an abortion. Uh, I'm being serious, OK? I Google it.
I think maybe I made this up. Maybe you made this up.
Still an abortion story.
OK, here we go. Thank you very much. Thanks a lot. You got to you got to read it out loud. You know what? I'm trying to read it. You OK? That's not it. Go to just my typing Sylvester Stallone face.
It was maybe it was a birth thing. Like when they were birthing him, they put claws on his face to pull them out and then that's what did it to his face.
But it just said that it was Bell's palsy, if not OK, due to complications during his birth.
Not an abortion. My bad. To school, I can't see for the reason he has a snare left to start small. Oh yeah, it was from his birth is not his abortion, not his abortion.
It was not a failed abortion either. Shot at the foster. Sloan, I'm not a good listener.
So can you put can you go back to the Gonzalez diet change so we can see what. Let's do it. I'll do it today. I'll do it today. Yeah. So but like it's actually in the know just, uh, back out to the previous. I'll tell you right now and and and yeah, and get the actual put me on a diet, I'll do it to a T.. If it includes fit, fine. OK, he decided to change his usual menu, which include a lot of hamburgers, steaks, French fries, milkshake, his diet was full of fats.
He changed his entire approach to eating.
Um, let's see what it says he went to, though, because I know that, um. Yeah. So make that larger if you can. OK.
Uh, Dulan was a nutritionist assigned to Kansas City players. Make sure they eat right. When he was with the Chiefs, he went to her for ideas with a two year process to overhaul his dieting. Um, what is, uh.
OK, let's talk about what's on his plate. Um, oh, here we go.
Fish, brown, rice, veggies, fiber, nutrients. Long lasting energy and then let's see Planet Post workout snack, hmm?
Um, chocolate milk, she said, is something that's perfect, really. Your muscles and protein need protein and milk has it Duaringa within 20 minutes of finishing your workout, healthy eating in the right snack after working on two keys to his plan.
Do you think Tony Gonzalez is the best looking Mexican dude alive? Uh, I've been speaking Mexican.
Interesting question. I bet. Tony Gonzales, let's just real quick, who do you think's best looking Mexican guys?
Oh, I'm obsessed with Latino dudes getting the haircuts right now.
Have you ever seen that on Instagram, Latino dudes getting haircuts? I'm like, you watch it all day long. I have not been watching that. Looks like there's a lot of Hispanic guys, not Hispanic guys.
I want Mexican guys, best looking Mexican guys.
I think, just so you know, I think Tony is a multi-ethnic you know, last name's Gonzales.
Oh, Mario. Mario Lopez. Very good. Lopez is fucking hot. Yeah. OK, go, go. There's got to be a website that that shows you go to the main page.
All there's got to be top ten. OK, there we go. Found on the web. Pull them up. Let's see.
Aaron Diaz from E! Online, Mario Lopez Galil.
Gael Garcia, B.A. Banal. Pull up, Gabriel.
You know him? No, I don't. I've never heard. He's a famous actor. You seen him. If you see his image, you'll recognize him.
No. What was he in? I mean, dozens of movies.
I don't I don't know. I don't recognize him there. He kind of looks like, OK. Gail. Mm hmm, Amores Perros, Mama Mama Tambien, yeah. Nope, nope, nope, I've never seen one of those fucking movies. He's got to be the one that it was released on Netflix or something.
Yeah, uh, go. I saw that. But he's not in it.
Okay. I have not seen one of these fucking movies, I'm sure you've seen them. I've never seen. Hold on. Go back. Give me you tell me about letters to Juliet. Did you see it? I didn't see letters. OK, tell me about bad education.
You did not see that either. But I did see I did see the first three.
You mentioned which ones? Amores Perros eight. Yeah. Because you speak Spanish.
No, those were like huge, huge movies too. Mama Tambien. Yeah. That was like in American theaters and everything.
And subtitles. Yeah. What are the odds I'm going to fucking watch it.
I didn't think about that exactly. Motorcycle Diaries. I know that's about Che Guevara. Yeah. But I don't, I don't, I don't. I didn't watch it. OK, 2004, I was busy having kids. Mozart in the jungle didn't watch that as a TV show apparently go to his IMDB.
It's it's easier to uh. Yeah. By the way, I'm no joke.
Yeah, there's not one of these movies that I've seen, I, I, I don't know, man, I feel like let's look at this. Look at it. Is he end like any James Bond and all. He's, um, kindergarten teacher Coco. I saw his heart doctors lunch on fire. You're killing me, Susanna. Do you think it'll ever doesn't sleep? Zoome Rosewater Ardo Vamps. No Cassaday Mi Madre Vukuzenzele at the Lonely Planet. Tom Not one of these fucking movies.
OK, is there anything anyone has ever seen. No good looking dude. He's a good looking dude. He just needs to get into some movies.
OK, great review. Good looking guy. It has never worked. I got it. So. So Ryan Guzman.
Who's he. He's fucking striking you skeleton guy.
I love his ears. Got nice ears. He's got like interesting years. That looks like he was like like they almost did it like that.
He's got like I get the wrestler ear there on the right. Yeah. He's right here. Look at that. Black and white there. Yeah. That one. Yeah. That's like that wrestler dude that's badass.
If they could do that in cosmetic surgery I'd have that done to my ears and just be like yeah. Wrestle in college.
Oh. Like that kind of thing. People are like oh really.
I just come up with a million dollar idea, fuck up your ears so that you can say you wrestled but not bad. So you can't hear enough acid. They're uncomfortable just like a little sexy Guzman fold.
Yeah. Little Guzmán fold because the, the, the, the Gruzman I get a Goostman fold. Kick it a Gruzman fold Corsetti say fold in Espanol. Um I don't know.
I remember. So what do you do with your clothes, you just throw them in the drawer? Um, it's a good question.
Why don't we just found this beautiful place? They do. They just.
I've got one. So.
We just use Hangar's oh, yeah, Doubler, so Doulis, yeah, yeah, that Dumela, Al Guzman, Nobelists, Guzman, Nobilis, uh, this argument, those Guzman bubblies, Eldo like Guzman, I said that you don't see taxing gas.
Don't say who it is. Future gas for TomTom's Gruzman.
Gabrielle Galeazzo. No, but I'd love to have mine. OK, go back to hot Mexican dudes.
Go back to hot Mexican dudes.
By the way, we're blowing Jay Hernandez smoke show. Yeah.
Diego Bonita. Uh huh. I don't know who that is. Let me see the day I got better. Uh, I'm a pass, he looks like he kind of kind of looks like like he's like not dangerous, like he's got like you want a little leeway.
You want, like a narco factor, not, you know what I want? I want young Benicio Del Toro factor. There was a smokiness.
And Benicio Del Toro, Puerto Rican. I knew that, OK, he plays Mexican Lotto, they'll just give him a lot of Latin work. OK. Oh, Benicio Del Toro, HyperMED. All right, let's go fucking do be honest. He's a fucking man. Is there one dude on that list? Yeah. That could go toe to toe with young Benicio Del Toro. Del Toro is the fucking. I remember dating a chick that had fucked Benicio Del Toro in a parking lot outside a liquor store.
And that turned me on like I love you.
Imagine what his list is like of women he fucked in parking lots.
Oh, bro, we need to get him for our next live show. Yes. Benicio, I put that down on the list. Benicio Del Toro. And you and, you know, you speak Spanish. You can just fucking loosen them up with that shit. No, he speaks fluent English. Nobody. But it's.
Don't you guys connect when you guys speak Spanish sometimes? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But he said Atauro give me a fucking. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's scroll through these pictures. Look at those fucking eyes.
Yeah, yeah. I would pay hardcore money to watch his hair get cut. Oh, look at this one, this one is James Bond. That's when he's in license to kill. That's when I first discovered Benicio Del Toro and I was like, this guy's fucking fascinating, the bad guy and the bad guy. And he got cut on the lip and he like, did one of these like. Yes, he is acting choices are so good. He's a great actor, great wonder what he's like to hang out with.
I bet. I bet he likes to tie one on. OK, he's got those vibes.
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Before we wrap this up. Yeah. You ready? Yeah. I mean you get to pick best D in. Three categories we're going to make are we're going to start our own little rat pack of actors, but we've got to be that more diverse. So we need a Latino actor, a black actor and a white Asian actor. Do you feel like that?
Um. You brought up good looking Mexican guys because you think they should get the vaccine first? No, no, I was incorrect. I didn't I thought that's when they said the morality of the vaccine. I thought they were talking about, like what Ratigan first and lingoes know. They're talking about old people versus young people. And I went, oh, I was like, I didn't know that. That's why is that important? And she was like, that's who's spreading it and who it's killing.
And I went because I've been hearing the news and all I hear is the Latino community in L.A. is the most affected. Yeah. So in my head I'm like, well, give it to them first. I didn't realize that young people are getting it and they're the reason that it's being spread. Yeah. So so it's irresponsible to give it. I didn't. And by the way, I'm. Half listen to all of this information, this sounds about right.
And so if you give it to young people, you stop the spread of the virus because they're the ones going out to bars and going, it's not real, it doesn't affect us. So if you give it young people, that that helps it. But then if you give it to old people, that's actually irresponsible. I don't know. I wasn't realizing the responsibility of the whole fucking idea.
I listen to this German that's not German, but but the most boring, the most boring British guy who didn't have a good wireless connection. Oh, and they cut out. Yeah. And it cut out. And I was like, I don't know what you're saying and I'm barely listening. And then the girl he's talking to is hot. She had an American accent. I was like, you're not that hot with an American accent. If you had a British accent, she would be a fucking ten.
Yeah, but with an American accent. She was a fucking six. Yeah.
And so I. Was that how you break down the news? Usually, by the way, that's what I was doing. Listening to this news is like, yeah, sounds like she's just from like the like Kansas.
Yeah. And so but that's the that's the morality of the vaccine is who gets it first.
And so. And so the other saying, give it to young people, it's amazing that my brain immediately, because I've been hearing so much about who is affected. And I think can I tell you, I think the other thing that's bothering me is that I feel like there is such hypocrisy in the white, liberal, wealthy community of this virus. I think they preach there definitely is. But you can start with the governor of this state. Yeah, that fucking cocksucker was at the French Laundry with a group of 12 or 14.
There's photos that were released and he's sitting there telling everybody, you know, stay home, gather and don't gather in groups larger than six. And then he's out there fucking around at the best restaurant in the world. I mean, look, I'm not I understand the attraction of going there, but he's yeah, he was he was there with a large group.
That's what the fucking governor dickhead fucking. And so and so. And also this is where my brain goes. When you talk about this vaccine. I know for a fact and I'm look, I'm a part of this also. So I'm not I'm not I'm definitely not pointing fingers.
I can't stand this guy. But I know that if you put out a vaccine, who will get it first is wealthy people. Hollywood will get it first. It'll start. And by the way, I'll be a part of that. I probably like how much for the vaccine to get my family, you know, as opposed to a lottery. And so then I so when I heard this, I was like I was thinking basically rich white people are going to definitely get this vaccine first.
They're all the people that are going to go, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I need it. Yeah, I'm important, I'm important.
And then the people that we get at last is like is like the people in the most, the people that are most affected with the girl that's working at CBS the other night at 2:00 in the morning when I go in and I have to take that girl and I'm fucking up more to the problem, by the way. Wait, what you're too fucking don't want to get into it is, is that my dentist said, well, this is a shit show.
And I was like, oh my God. And he was like, we're going to have to do some grafting and removing skin and this is going to be a process. And I was like, you just convince me not to deal with it. And so I start dealing with it.
That's going to go well. Not dealing with it, I think is going to be worse that way. Yeah, I'm certain. And I'm hoping that maybe I was hoping we take a ride in the McLaren in those hills and we just die. And then my last thought would be at least I don't have to go to the fucking dentist.
The point being my point being, I saw this as a when I heard the morality clause, I saw this as a socioeconomic issue as opposed to a age issue.
And I didn't realize that it had nothing to do with socioeconomics.
But I still think but I think you're right. I think people get lost. Yeah, I think it does.
And you look at the Latino American community like this Latino community in L.A., that's who's getting hit the hardest is because every single fucking Mexican person in L.A. still working every goddamn day and isn't put in safe as conditions.
Now, I'm not telling a virtue signalling, but that's so that's when Leon brought that up. I went Mexican thinking first. Yeah.
And she was like, what? This was like. White people get a class, white people get lost. And then I made a joke about it on Twitter. I said short people should get it first because they're on everyone's breath.
And then I realize that short people get really upset by that shit they do being caught short and being caught up in everyone's breath. Then all people just like, yeah, man, I'm breathing fresh air all day, six, six, one. God, it would be the best to be that tall. Oh, no, not at all.
And the other thing with having a big dick, I don't want to have a big dick. I think we got perfect dicks. You don't want one. Know why I want I got the one I want and I got the one I'm happy with. Why? It is mockable like if you saw it, you would mock it. And if there are pictures of it online, I would be mortified of it. I have pictures of it. Yeah you do.
I think Netflix does do but I, but I like my dick.
I saw this just porn black dude like legit 12 inch dick legit 12 inch thick. The girl could barely get the head of it in her mouth. Yeah. I imagine it doesn't get you so hard though when you see that when she's just like, oh she's like I can't make it fit.
Yeah but think about that poor guy. He's never had a girl literally just put their whole dick in their mouth and then swish it around.
No, no swishing like I mean, he's not like Lee-Anne can get like she can't Deep Throat me, but like I get the head of my dick in her mouth.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
By the way, make that a t shirt so you wouldn't you wouldn't want though to have one that just like and it doesn't even get all the way hard on the super huge day when you have a big type in the problems with a big dick.
And let's make everyone feel good about their small dicks, OK, the problems, problems.
And also you can email us with your big dick problems, but send a picture. You don't have to send a picture. Well, they might be reluctant to. You're big. They're going like this. Going like this.
Yeah. What am I supposed to do with this huge dick? Yeah, like make people feel good about their regular sized dicks. Um, OK, this is how it is. What does it say here? Sometimes you left scrambling for a bar. So I was to say. Oh, she was doubled over in pain after we finished looking back, I don't know how we avoided the emergency room. So, yeah, you're you're hurting people. And you know what?
You become you become a trophy. Fuck. Yeah. Is that girl start.
Who do I know that has a really big to the average flaccid penis is between three and a half to four inches while the average erection falls between four and a half to six and a half range. I'm at the top.
Yep. And by the way, it's a big dick for average people. Yeah, but it's not a big dick. Trust me.
From what I can determine, if your penis is larger than eight inches in length when in fact it puts you in the top two percent of people in the world. Wow. So that's yeah. You're you're like you said, you're like a Todd. This guy measures ten inches erect. Uh, Jordan one of and by about an inch. And Phalcon you that's the guy. He has a thirteen and a half inch dick at full mast. Um Falcons big penis has been documented on HBO, Rolling Stone, Howard Stern.
He has his pledge to donate his massive member to the Icelandic for Logical Museum when he dies.
That's a trip we need to take. Oh, my God, no. To self help Iceland.
He says, let's say in his 20s, he was like a kid in a candy store. Eventually the burden starts to overshadow the blessing. When guys tell me they wish they had my penis, they look up to me from a sexual alpha male point of view. But what percentage of your life do you spend? Actually, using your penis for sex keeps growing.
Uh, he's got a jog with or take something as simple as riding a bike. It's a nightmare. Yep. Where do I put my penis when I'm on a bike seat? I have to keep my legs closed. But they're constantly rubbing. I end up sitting on it if I want to go for a nice ride.
The pain distract from the euphoria of the journey itself in a public urinal. If I'm not careful, my penis will hang out and touch the edge of the urinal or in the water like an elephant.
Drinking is a germophobia condom conundrum.
This is the largest possible condom and it only covers half of his dick.
Jeez, keep going when you consider it to keep one hand on your rubber to make sure you slip off during sex. It takes the fun out of the process. Uh, my penis is thicker than my wrist, so girls have to adjust to the girth.
But very few people who can handle the whip, he can put a watch on his dick.
Oh, my God. There's a lot of keep going that this makes me feel so good about my dick.
God, telling him about your penis size just awkward in itself. A girl doesn't want to feel like she has to have sex differently with you. She was to just go with the flow and not stop because she's in pain. OK, everybody feel better now.
He is a three month no sex rule, I'll tell you, girl, I want to wait a few months before we do it to weed out the women who are just interested in him for his dick. Oh, my God. I feel like I've been used for my penis in the past. Oh, my God. Yeah, most of us don't have that story.
Just using me for my let's can we put a name to a face or a face to it? I want to see a picture of this dude. Oh yeah. There's there's lots of pictures of this guy. Um, his name. What's his full name. It says that there I'm sure at the top. Jonah Falcon, that's his name. Jonah Falcon penis. And it'll come up if you Google that. I bet if you just type in Jonah Falcon it'll come up.
Yeah. But I mean, it's like his SAT scores.
That's Tim. He is hold on his weight, yeah. I did not see that coming. Yeah, uh, let's see his dick, I'd like to take a look at it in those bike shorts right there. Yes, that is ridiculous. Yeah. You know, you think he'd like nothing, no slight on Jonah, but like I mean, look at that. Look at him in those bike shorts, the white ones. Right. I want to see who that guy is.
Does he not show his dick to be.
He's shown that. He's shown it. Yeah, I've seen it in the documentary. He's in a documentary about it. That's not his dick.
Let me. Scroll up. Oh, is that Tom Rhodes? I know that is. What if what if we found the Timrod sex tape, like randomly, or can someone get go to Taiping to go to PornHub and go Joona Phalcon? All right, um, and this is how well, uh oh, he jerks off with two hands. These are not him, I swear, he has dick pics because he's he's done documentaries, he's been in that.
Uh, my God, is that him? That is him, so it's flaccid right now, though, his balls look like fuckin grapefruits to men. He's totally flaccid. Pull it and put it in his own ass. Looks like he can. Well, maybe because he plays with it so much. I don't think so. I think he was, um.
He can put it in his own asshole, like the size of his balls.
By the way, is this the kind of guy that, like his dick so big that sexuality doesn't mean anything to him? It seems it seems like that was part of the message here.
I mean, that like all this, he's shoving his dick and his shoving. I'm trying this tonight. I'm trying tonight. Like, I can't go over my balls like that. I have to go around the ship. I think we got cut. No, no, we haven't put his. I want to see the whole dick in his ass. Look at him. Why wouldn't you fuck yourself in the ass?
Yeah. Yeah, why wouldn't you? Does it get hard, hard or is it just soft the whole time?
I think in this video. But oh no. That's he's oh he's going to jack himself off. I didn't know what we were watching here. Hey, Jonah, what's up, dude? Oh, Jesus came.
Can we just watch this jackass after putting his dick in his ass and now he's like, oh, fuck that doing.
I do think that I got OK, happy is, by the way, by the way, that is like this is the most real quick interview back out of that and see if there's any more.
We share that on Facebook real quick.
OK, OK. Do you see the one with the one go down middle of that one right there. Yeah. Look look at him right there. Or skinnier. Right. But also that's his flaccid dick right there.
You see, uh. Like, that's. Well, click that picture. I mean, why are we just doing it half screen? Good point. It's stabilized and it's right behind the camera looking Boogie Nights scroll up, Liz. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know. I always see his face. Can you see the camera's right. I know, but they can't. He probably can't. There we go. Yeah. Wow. That goes past his tan line.
Yeah. My dog doesn't look like that, not at all. Hey, how about this for a challenge? What's up?
I know we need in this soon, but how about this for a challenge? We do tasteful nudes and the person that does the best tasteful nude post them online. It gets the most votes, wins.
But wait, what part of you not knowing me thinks that I'm going to be like that is a really good idea. Let's do that.
OK, here's what I realized. This is what. Our challenges need to be yeah, it was good, by the way, wasn't it, that was I mean, one bad I wouldn't have a drag as much as you, but yeah I enjoyed it. Thank you. The problem with Impulse like to fill it up.
Tasteful nudes, tasteful nudes. We shoot this before January. I'm not going to do tasteful nudes. I'll go to I will direct you in an adult scene with the professional.
How about this? What if we do let's. Type in number one, selling calendars, let's do a calendar, a two bears' one kaip calendar that we can sell on our website for starting January. We've got to put in production quick, OK, and then that'll be a great Christmas present. Maybe Christmas a little late. But that'll be a great tiepin, number one, selling best selling calendars, Jeopardy!
Pupping, what's pooping pooping pooches? Um. Like like like we do like five will be firemen in one, right, so we'll do, like, firemen. You really want to do this? Yeah, we'll do firemen and one and then we'll be like naughty cops, male strippers. Right. And we'll do 12 different styles each month. So like October will be in lederhosen. Right.
But like, our dicks are out. No, no, no, no, no, no. Just sexy. Sexy. It's for all the Bear fans we have, like the gay dudes and women, OK? And and regular dudes, too. I think we're going to enjoy it. I think regular dudes would love that. I think it's a great present to get somebody.
I mean, it seems like you're saying that a gay dude can't be a regular dude, but I get what you're saying. I meant regular.
God damn it, I'm a regular.
I mean, when I meant regular, I mean six six feet tall.
OK, so like six feet tall guys. They're the regular ones. Yes. So we do.
We do. How about. OK, real quick. Real quick. I know we're wrapping this up, but people. Here we go. January, what's our what's our what's our theme for January. What's January give you. It's got to be like sexy snowsuits, right. Yes.
When winter with sexy snow. So we always touching each other in the photos.
No, we've seen it like we're we're like, well, you know what, Jan? Be good for what.
Azana shot. Sonna shot. I mean, yeah. OK, you're in the sun. Are you writing this down? The Dove. Yup. OK, he's not writing them down.
He's writing it down. OK, it's January. Sonus Xana February. You know what I'm thinking? But Black History Month. Oh, I think you can say Valentine's Day. Oh, Valentine's Day. I say it's better than where I was going with this, OK? Probably a lot better. Valentine's Day.
February is Valentine's Day. So to be Cupid's march is basketball. March Madness. March Madness. What else do you think about with March? I mean, March, as I usually think about it, we're going to be getting into spring, right?
It's like the end of, OK, you know, you guys could be Googling these months, too. And see what? See what? April, April showers. So with golden showers were pissing on each other, OK? No, but we are kind of picking each other.
But with April's Easter. Oh, two bunnies. Two bunnies. Bunnies. Yeah. April, May, January, February, March, April, May. You have to go like that to get out here with me. Mayday, mayday, mayday, mayday.
Cinco de Mayo, about six a.m.. Yeah. We dress up as Mexicans. OK, all right.
June June is beginning of summer. June gloom. Julio got well dressed as goth.
All right, gentlemen, from July Fourth of July, red, white and blue like artillery or shooting guns and fucking drinking beer. Dicks are out.
August is August is. Wendy, Wendy, Wendy. No, no, no.
August, what is August type in August to August. August, August. OK, August.
There's images of the word August. Jesus. Now we have to get another guy on this thing.
We'll just write the word August on our stomach about notable days in the month of August. Something like that, right?
Yeah, OK. OK, here we go. Girlfriends Day, Friendship Day, Friendship Day, August 2nd, that's got to be it, man.
There's also chocolate chip data that's going to be tough to turn that one.
Oyster Day, Root Beer, Float Day, Happiness Day, International Day of World's Indigenous Peoples Day. Fuck that.
You type in. We'll put all this on Friendship Day.
It's August 2nd is Friendship Day. We've got to do it on Friendship Day. That's what we do are like, OK, September keep you swap out the word and type in September there.
And I think you should go. What's September? Do we have Labor Day? Right. Is that now right? Yeah, what's worst, Labor Day. Who gives a fuck? It's just a notable thing, so. Oh, it's Hispanic Heritage Month. OK, we got that already for May. Yeah, bring your manners to work.
I think you should go into Wikipedia end of the month and then see like what that month known for.
That's a good one. There's a good note. Good search now. There we go.
September is the ninth month we got that part, summer break, a close scroll back here. We're missing it. Oh, I guess we should do a summer break. One for August. August should be like. It's like a summer. Like waterslides. Oh, yeah. Yeah. August is our summer month. September is the beginning of fall, right?
So we should do we should do flannels, flannels, Ralph Lauren and we're chopping wood chopping wood September chopping wood and Ralph Lauren lumberjack lumberjack October. Obviously we'll do so by October.
I was thinking like Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween costume costumes. Spooky. Yeah. OK, November is my birthday so it'll be everything Bert. Or Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving we could do Thanksgiving for November yet Thanksgiving we are big turkeys. Yep. And then December is inshallah.
Uh Jesus was born.
I was going to say Kwanzaa but fine will go. Here's this Christmas. We'll really own the part of excluding people from other religions on this weekend too.
Are we going to do a Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus or Santa Santa Claus?
But why don't we just do Jesus and like a bunch of people around Jesus wishing him happy birthday? Yeah. Like regular people or like, do you want to do like the the three wise men? Kind of Jesus got a cake and it says thirty three is a thirty three. Oh it's an older Jesus. It's no it's just Jesus. Right before they killed him and it's thirty three candles. Right. And he's, he's about the blown out. They're like make a wish.
But I'd wish not to be crucified if I were you.
So maybe he's like this and then we're standing next to him and I have like a nail and a hammer and then you have the wood and we're like we're about to put you up and Jesus like this about to blow out the candles.
And we're like, oh, about the case.
We should probably brainstorm on what the exact thematic is. This is a really good idea. I think this could make a lot of money. Jan Sun and by the way, these are all just little placeholders because we might really come in and fine tune these. I thought April was two dummies.
It says bunnies. God, OK, OK, we got to wrap this up, it's an hour, 30 today, there's a lot of fun. I love you. I love you, too. Thank you guys for watching. Thanks for listening.
Emails to Bears' one cave or just lick the mic. Right.
Two beers. One caveat, Gmail dot com, two beers, one cave at Gitmo dot com. I want your thing.
I want your big dick frowny pics. Big tech problems should be your subject line. And, you know, if you have a legit one, I mean, people are going to write jokes.
I'll tell you what, I don't mind. I don't mind trying to smoke out the liars. OK, send in your big dick problems and we'll try to figure out if we can see if they're real.
OK, sounds good. It's caught in a wood chipper. Not every now and then.
And you don't I mean, you don't have to make a video that you attached your email of you putting it in your ass and then jerking off. But if you do, we'll watch it.
Have a good one by you guys.
I'll be third time and one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom, tell stories in third style machine. There's not a chance in hell they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Vegas. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what more call to focus on Katie.