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This is what happened. So yesterday the guy calls me and I go deliver it to his house. He and Leeann's like, who are you? And I hear her.
And I'm like, It's Tom, it's me. So she goes, oh, she goes, What is this?
And I go to eBay. She goes, e bike. Because, you know, he's fat, right?
And I go.
Hundred percent coffee for life dog. Dude, I'm like, I'm being serious. I'm really getting the coffee. I listen to that episode with the black rifle guys and that hey guys, bring up sort of the. Did you like that pivot of personality. Yep. Today I had an orgasm.
And what do you mean I had an orgasm. Were you doing something to get it. No.
You know, so you make it sound like I was walking to my kitchen and I came.
No, Lian's about the dick.
Right, OK. And she she does the tap tap on it, as she always does, was a little bit low, Mike, that little Mike tap and now she's laughing hard as fuck you because it made it in the act.
Right. Right. I haven't done that every time I'm like, did you get a handjob yesterday.
Yesterday I got a handjob. How did I tell you that. Yeah. Yeah, I get a handjob yesterday. This is my birthday.
OK, and then I would ask for the beach. Well, we didn't have time with no time. We got very busy day yesterday.
Were you really fired up to like in order to come with a handjob like. I feel like a handjob if you know what you're it's you can't be like I'm kind of into. You got to be ready to go.
Well, I was ready to go. Yeah, I was ready to go back up.
How many days since you came along? She went, whoa, that came a lot. And I immediately thought of Michael Stal. Yeah, yeah. I was like I was like and you're like was at 18 feet. Yeah.
By the way, I started looking up plast porn after he. Oh my God. I have Jade made to some pictures. Oh I love it. It's like, it's, it's like, it's like authentic and I love that it's they're all like happy. I think that's a big thing to you. You're like, oh well I'll drink after this. They don't seem like they're I mean even though I can get off for girls like crying. Yeah.
But like if she's happy it seems that it's pretty cool. Scared underwear. That's ours. Yeah. Armpits.
Oh is this ours that's gonna wear behind the ear. So.
Beep Yeah that's right.
We haven't got a lot of scared underwear behind the ear but we will be doing getting those next week and we will have a lot for you.
So we should do our own.
So she's about to give me a ride out to the Plast section, shout out to Dr. Drew's wife by the way, why whatever she fucking did on push his podcast where she said I suck his dick six.
Oh I know. Six times a week Dr. Drew fucks. Yes, he does.
By the way, we get the best is that, you know, the Internet things kind of like twist and turn, as we both know. And you're like that. There's a root of truth in that.
So now, like we saw Shaggy from ICP, who's on, he's like, you know, so funny.
He's like he's like he's like Dr. Drew, you know, he fucks all kinds of bitches.
And then they're just running with that.
And he's like and he's like, no, I fucked my wife.
Dr. Drew's just fucking knuckle deep. And everybody, listen, if you you meet Dr. Drew, you're getting fucked.
Okay, Dr. Drew, I think I understand Hopes and the World podcast the other day for the election anyway. Pivot.
So so I'm about my shout out to to to Dr. Drew Pinsky, because now listen, every time she goes down, I'll. You're happy.
You're just like to hear like what? He's just ridiculous.
Go ahead and form. Juggalos says, Hey, Tom Seguro invite me on the podcast so I can try it out with you. And Dr. Drew, four strokes with my brother is my favorite.
Great. More riddles. Yeah. Oh, I see. I see what he's doing. I see what he's doing here.
It's like me saying that, hey, Terpsichore invite me on the podcast so I can try it out. You and Dr. Drew four strokes with my brother is my favorite.
Is that like he wants us to have a threesome and talking about the Different Strokes, Season four, we talk about fucking because remember, he's talking about Dr. Drew's like fox bitches like crazy things like that.
Like what happens is someone hears that and then that's all they remember. Dr. Drew. Fucking bitches like crazy. You know, I love that.
I love that poor guy's like I love my wife. By the way, I met Shuggie at a show one time.
He did? Yeah. He came back. I want to say it was when I was with Salvano. Big fan of Sal's. Oh yeah. He came back in like and I remember Calkin, he was just there, you know, got such a uh like like a and he was like, hey, how are you doing? And I think I'm sure it was Shaggy and he was like him Shaggy from and saying, come on, you know, just.
On your face, no, he didn't have his makeup. Oh, he did. You missed a spot. Kyle's got the best voice. Uh. I have a new I have a new car almost passed out again, I was passing out a lot. I had a new spirit of spirit animal. But, you know, what's it called when you told him I have a new totem this year? Your new totem, a totem. What is it, LightHouse's?
What do you mean, LightHouse's? You just you're into them. My new things. Are you collecting them?
I'm going to Gödel's some owls for a long time. Have always been my totem. By the way. An owl flew into our backyard the day like. Like a real lighthouse. Are you talking about like photos and things?
First of all, I'm really into lighthouses in general. Lighthouse is pretty cool. Lighthouses are awesome. We went to one in Maine one time and it was fucking awesome. Do you mean can you imagine how many times like what the feeling is like to be lost at sea and the panic and to see a lighthouse like what that must do to you emotionally if you're out it there's no more panicky, there's no greater panic you can feel than lost at sea.
I mean, like just like you look up and down, it's just dark and you're just like, I'm going to die here for sure.
And then you see the light swing by.
You'd be like, oh my God.
Yeah. I mean, it just has to be it's kind of I often think, you know, like I often think when I want to hold your thought, OK, just while he's talking, get these zip line thing. I want to show Bert the zip line.
Go ahead. I have I often think one time I'll be stuck at sea in a raft with no water, no food. Yeah. And all that that energy of like going like, oh fuck.
I often remember when we film the cabin. The cigar roller. Yeah. Oh my God. Yes.
And he was like, you know, we're just talking super cool dude. I'm like Master Cigar Roller. You rode that crazy blunt and then he's like, yeah, I came from Cuba and he starts telling the story real casually that everyone he came over with died. Yeah. And he hit a makeshift raft. That's friends. Oh, wait, what is this dude.
Oh, my God. Hold on, hold on, hang on. Remind me the blowjob.
I want I want to finish. Oh, you finish your blowjob and orgasm. Remind me that. But I want to see this. OK, ok. OK. I'm already fucking. Oh this is all because I know I know you're going to respond to this.
So this dude is on a zip line, I mean hundreds of feet up in the air and just, just let it just makes you the sound place.
But let's, let's go put it out there. Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah. Oh, you got you got you got it. Damn it. No. Oh. Oh, my God. Look, look at his left hand. He is adrenalin's oh, his left hand is destroyed. Yeah. Look how high up he is. Yeah, I knew that would never do that to you. You can feel the panic, I mean, that is like that, too.
He knew he was he almost fucking fell off that thing, you know, I have let me see if I can find the picture.
Oh, my God. That hand. He put his hand in front. OK, so immediately I knew. I knew. Because you've zip lined. That really connected very hard with me. I knew it would it's. Oh, God damn it, that fucked me up. I must see if I can find the picture, so one time I oh, man, that fucked me up. Yeah. You know, what it is, is because, you know, obviously I fell off a waterfall one time rappelling, and there's certain things where your instinct starts to do the thing to save yourself and you get fucking hurt.
So one time we were hand going in front, you saw right there and was just destroyed.
So there are a lot of stories like that, a lot of stories about dudes falling and the rope wrapping around their leg and them going down and it just cutting their leg off.
There's like stories like there was that climber last year at the world class. You know, there's like some world class free climbers.
And he died, right? He died. Yeah. And they were talking to the experts, like the people who really know that. And they all said that he did something like that an amateur would do. And it was like he just overlooked something in his prep or, I don't know, the free climbing kind of world. But, yeah, they all were like, yeah, this is like a total amateur move. And it just is something he overlooked either in the moment or.
But it was, um, yeah, I'm looking for that the one last year right there. Yeah, I'd go right. I've heard I've had heard so many fuckin fellas.
I'm looking for this. I'm looking for this picture from MOAB. I. I all this fucking freaks me out, because what it is, is it's instinct, it's instinct over overthought.
It's how you get hurt. So I have a story I haven't told you about yet.
Oh, so we were doing this thing.
I want to find a picture of my fucking asshole tingling right now showing how we we were doing this thing where we were rappelling off this canyon. And I have to pictures of this injury on here. I'll find it. And we rappel down. And I was very, very confident. I was really confident and I felt great. And I remember swinging out we were doing it in between two things. I wish I had exact details on this, but in between two things, we swing out and I'm having fun and I'm really confident a zip line down and I'm feeling great.
I have both. I've repelling gloves on both hands. I'm feeling great. I'm very confident.
Take my gloves off and my ankles tingling again and we get the kid who were were rappelling with.
We get him on and we start swinging him back and forth on the thing.
Like he's like, he's like a little scared. We're like, it's fine, fine. It's we're going to swinging back and forth. It's just a swing. You're going to swing so far. But it's fun. He's like really. Well OK. Yeah. So we swing him, swing him and as he swings him I go to grab the rope to stop him and it's 200 pound man in there and he's attached to the rope and I'm to make sense of it.
We swing the rope out like that and I'm here and I grab it.
And as he swings in the rope, rips through my hand and tears all the skin off my hands, just it doesn't tear the skin.
What it does is it takes every bit of detail. Yeah.
Off my hand.
So it just looks like it looks like like plain skin like like almost like dipped it in wax and it happened so fucking quick when and I and I went home and it was so hot and it was so burnt and there was a there was a a trickle of water coming down at a thing.
And I just went and pressed my hand in there and I was like, this is going to be bad. And everyone's like, it's going to be really bad. And it bubbled up so bad. But it was it was this instinct of like going, oh, let me stop it.
And it went right. It's that moment you're not you're not thinking for a millisecond. Have you seen, by the way, how many people don't know how to swing off a rope from a tree into the water like those video where they're like they let go above the road?
You know what it is? You know what it is, is, is or they don't let go above the water. They're like, all right, jump off. And they're like, oh, and I swing back.
The number one thing is people underestimate the upper body strength. And I've done that. There's a video. You can find a video of me doing that on. I'm online. I'm certain if you type in bird concourses and three, were it were it traction park?
Well, Action Park is the name of it. It's called Traction Class Action Park. I got my Tutton Tuscola ruptured there and they had they had a rope swing and you were watching people hold on and you, you just your hands are like, oh, I've never really held a swinging like a fulcrum 250 pounds.
Yes. And you're and I just hold on and my fingers are like, oh, are you fucking any mine. Yeah. Boop.
Yeah. I got picture on the if you go to those like rock climbing walls, you know the the places where you kind of practice. Yeah.
They go, oh your instinct. You think you should pull yourself up and they're like you should do the work with your legs.
Oh yeah. That is your upper body will exhaust itself basically. Oh yeah. Like no no I got it, I got it.
I got it. I can't, I can't believe I can't find these fucking pictures. I took so many pictures of my hand. It was so sliced up in the next day and we, we still have a lot of rock-climbing left to do we to jump off a fucking cliff.
And I had my hand was ruined. I mean, ruined.
You know, what's also crazy is like as this guy knows. When I fell off the waterfall, I got to have four. I wish I had my computer, which had all my instant stuff when I fell off the waterfall. It was just an instinct to, like, help yourself.
And then I didn't realize how high I was, but I had flipped upside down. And I was and I and I think I was drowning and rounding. Yeah.
Not drowning, drowning, drowning, drowning, drowning, drowning, drowning, drowning, not drowning, drowning. Do you say I drowned it. I drowned. Drowning, drowning, no drowning, no second drowning sounds, we are drowning. It sounds like you're drowning. I drown.
To do we have to please make sure we do like words with Burt at some point where he just, you know, says the way he says things to drown. I was upside down on the waterfall.
So what happened is it's crazy right before I started to be filled with water. I was I was it was the last episode of the last season we were going to do. I didn't know if we were going to pick it up or not, but it was a very last episode of that day. And it was like, oh, we were going to do is do this, then get on a helicopter, fly out to this place called the frying pan, and then party for a few days and then fly back.
Right. Yeah. Party for a few days and maybe shoot a TV show.
But just basically party type in the frying pan. North Carolina, the frying pan. You'll see where we went to frying pan. This is where we went out and partied here. It was fucking awesome. You can do yeah, that's it. And it's in the middle of the ocean, like 40 miles out. What do people do there? You just party. Is there any rooms there? Yeah, it's like it's fucking awesome. It's fucking awesome.
Tharthar Oh, it's a hotel. Yeah, 34 miles from Lenn. So how do people get by helicopter?
A helicopter helicopter drops you off. You shoot guns like we were shooting skeet. We went fishing. That actually looks really cool. It's fucking awesome. That's off the coast of Carolina. Yeah. Forty miles out, you take a helicopter cam.
It's fucking awesome. If you take a look at the inside, it looks like it looks like from this angle, it looks like shit like it looks terrible, but I guess maybe.
We'll see. Oh, it's actually nice, it's nice inside. OK, it's not bad.
The guy lives out there, he lives there, yeah, you can you can like how how fucking mental is he gone? This is the best is he can take a seat and and get you all the way down to the water and lower you down to the water like 80 feet. Like he just put you in the seat and then swings the arm out and then lowers you down to the water so you can be down by the water and see the fish and then brings you up.
That's pretty cool, man. It was actually awesome.
I had a fucking blast out there, but that's all we had to do is go out to the frying pan the next day and his guns out there and we were shooting guns. Wow. Who's fucking really fun? It was really, really fun. It kind of feels like like one of those movies where you're where you're like the guy's been living by himself for.
Yeah, it is. Is that I mean, he's he kind of crazy.
The guy with a off. He wasn't crazy. He was pretty cool really. I don't want a normal. I was pretty fucking OK.
There we go. Oh there we go. Wait, let's go back to your blowjob and your orgasm. OK, wait, wait. I want to finish this. I got nine stories going on my head, so I'm on the waterfall and I actually took a moment and I turned around. I look in this canyon, we're like two hundred twenty feet down, but I'm about to hit the ground. I'm like this. I'm the luckiest dude in the world.
Like, I am so lucky.
I was like, you know what? Don't waste this moment, enjoy it, so I decide to kind of swing out and, you know, have a little fun on the Rupel and what happened was my feet hit Algy and I slipped.
And as soon as I slipped, I flipped upside down and then water started rushing. I started getting water boarded and. I can't remember if I went to go get a GoPro or kind of change my I let go of the bottom hand, which is the one that holds you steady. And I just wanted to, like, grab something, but it was like I was drowning. It was an instinct. Second, his hand went down and just and I hit the ground and the back.
That's when I landed on my back. And I immediately was like, I just broke my back. You really thought that I my first thought was I just broke my back. And what was your actual like? Did you go to the E.R. from there?
Yeah, I went to the I had to crawl hands and knees out of a canyon. Like I said, I'm I remember saying to my buddy Paul, who's our EP, I was like. You know, you think you're safe and you're like, I remember saying, so what's our exit strategy? And he was like, I didn't plan on you falling. He's like, we don't have one. I was like, well, can we get a chopper in here, get me out?
And I was like, I guess. And I was like, wait, what are we doing? And he goes, I don't know. I haven't I we didn't plan for a tragedy. Like, no one plans for that, you know. Yeah, but you should, right.
We had we had a conversation about that afterwards. We should definitely talk about our problems.
Yeah. We should think about injuries happening out in the wild. Yeah. And so we called them and they were like and we called the forest rescue or whatever, and they're like, yeah, we can't get a chopper into you like you're in a canyon, like you need to get yourself out of that canyon.
So there's like figure it out figured out. And so I crawled hands and knees up at two hundred and twenty foot, like climb like it was it was those moments where you say, like, I'm unable to do this, you know, like working out where they're like, all right, one more set. You're like, I can't do it anymore. And then you get through it or something. Right? I remember being on my hands and knees, crawling out, going.
This is I can't do this, I couldn't lift my legs up if I lifted my legs up, I couldn't stand.
And was it like when you when you got out, was it straight to the hospital?
No, I got to the top of the trailhead and then and we and then they had to come in. They took my blood pressure. It was like 150 over 110. And they're like, we're afraid he's going to stroke out there. Like we got to we can't let him walk out. And I was like, I think I can crawl out. And I because I could get myself in a position where it didn't hurt. And I was like, please let me do that.
And they're like, going to put you on a board. I remember these girls came up and they're like, I heard them. I'm in the thing. I'm crying. I think I've broken my back. I'm crying. Everyone's in panic. Oh, my crew. No one knows what to do. And these girls were hiking and they're like, this is a film crew. And I'm like, what is this? And, you know, one of my guys is just trying to get pussy.
And he was like, Oh, we're shooting a show for Travel Channel. And they're like, what show is it? And they're like Triplette. He's the host, Burt Krischer. And they're like, is he famous? And they're like I mean, he's like our podcast or whatever. And they're like, what's wrong with him? And then he fell. He broke. They think he broke his back.
And they're like, Oh, cool, hey, hey. And I'm watching them take pictures of me. Like I'm watching them take pictures of me. Yeah. And then one girl goes, the does not know I heard them and goes, hey, we're really big fans. Is it cool if we get a picture with you? And I was like. I was so I was so blown away, I wasn't sure I'm crying and two girls get down to take a picture with me.
Yeah, it's going to die. He's going to die. And then I got in the I got man everything.
The whole tree go walk again. It was terrifying. And then they gave me fucking Dilaudid and it went away.
What's Dilaudid? It's like pharmaceutical heroin. And it I mean, so what was the. Was there an injury like an actual contusion, back contusions.
But it was it was all the muscles were fucked. I mean, that night there's so much to this story that I that is like almost crazy. But that night I got in bed and went to sleep and I was on Dilaudid and I was taking volume. And then I doubled up with an OxyContin.
And so and I had had a drink and I would drink. It went away. They got well after they gave me the Dilaudid and and the oxy and the volume, I felt really great, I'm sure. And I was like, let's finish this segment. So we went out and met up with these people at this restaurant. And I was walking was totally fine. I was like, I'm great. I'm I'm guys. I'm going to be fine.
I'm going to be fine. I had a fucking couple of drinks. I was like, I feel fucking amazing. Went back to my room. I was like, that was a close call, passed out, woke up in like five in the morning.
And I couldn't get I couldn't move my I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't roll. Yeah. I couldn't move and I had to piss. I just pissed in the bed. Are you serious. Pissed in the bed. And then went to sleep and started crying again because I couldn't move and I was having panic attacks. I couldn't move. I couldn't move. Like I, I could move my arms like you pissed the bed. I pissed the bed and I was just sitting there crying and they thought I was dead.
So the crew just came in, they were four call. They knocked on the door. They open the door and there I am fucking in bed going, can someone please help me? And they're like, OK, we're not shooting anymore. They're like, we wrapped. I think we shot.
We ended up shooting a how did you stay in that room for I left. We've you got on a plane from there. Do you want to know the crazy part of the story? Yeah, sure. So. They call him and they're like, hey. This is going to make her sound like a total cunt. This is going to make her sound like a total cunt. But I'm just going to tell it the way it is, sure. So I've got a funny I got a funny story about Leon on the phone yesterday.
Don't forget. Oh, really? Yeah.
So they they wrap. They're like, we're not flying the frying pan. We're not doing any of that. We're going to send you home. So they call Leon and they're like, hey, bird is really hurt. We've got a lot of pills for him. He's going to be fine. He can probably travel and get himself home. But after that, we're going to take some time off so he can rest. And until he can shoot again, like probably two weeks, three weeks, she's like, OK, don't send him home.
And then, like, watch like send him to Aspen and then like what she's like he's got a corporate.
He's got the gig and they're like, he's really hurt her like it's 25 grand. I'll meet him in Denver at that first.
She's in Boston. She's like she's like, honey, 25 grand's a lot of money. You know, this in this fucking hurt back. Yeah. She's like and, you know, I think it might be. Well, you can you can stand for an hour. Yeah. It's 25 grand.
It's 25 grand. That's fuckin that's 20 bucks. Braces for both girls. That's 25 grand.
So she flew to Denver with Savage with Eila.
I met her in Denver. They picked me up at the airport. They got us a flight to Aspen. No, I think we drove to Aspen. We drove to Aspen. And I was like, I'm out of school.
You fucking kidding me? I loved it. I got all new ski clothes.
She went. I went. I went skiing. She had a fucking blast. And I did the gig and I was really hurt for the gig. And I it was a it was like a hedge fund. I don't even know what a hedge fund was at the time. And she was like, listen, these guys are huge fans of yours, but they're very rich and their time is precious. So they go up, fuck around. But like, I wouldn't do like an hour.
I think they just want to party. And I was like, OK, so I went up. I started fucking around with the guys, like, mess around. And one guy just goes, all right, tell the machine I go, what? He goes, tell the machine. Then we'll go drink. Let's do it. Tell the machine. I was like, excuse me. He was like, come on, tell me you're going to tell it.
So I told the machine like, All right, we're done. Let's go party.
That was that was it 25 grand to tell the machine and go drink with these guys? That's a fucking good day. I had to fuck and we made the money and Liane's like I told you, get in and out. Let's go home to be a good manager.
She was I remember her. I remember going Sanim, I remember them saying, you're not going home. And I was like, I'm definitely going home. And they're like actually going to Denver, she's going to take you to Aspen. And I was like, I'm doing the corporate. She's like it's twenty five grand. This podcast is brought to you by Express VPN ok. We all know how a VPN works for your privacy and security online. Right.
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Join up today and sleep better, recover faster and train smarter. This is like this is different. I forgot if I've told this, but like when I got here, you know how there's a there's an L.A. hiking culture. Yeah.
And by hiking I'm talking about if you've never been here or maybe if you have there's all these like there's Fryman Canyon, Runyon Canyon and it's basically, you know, it's accessible all year.
It's outdoors. It's great exercise. And it's kind of a scene, you know, and so, like when I got here, you know, you don't know that many people I knew more people from like acting class because like I did like the Groundlings and I did this other acting class Groundlings. Yeah. Yeah, I did. I did a few a few levels of it. I turned down writing lab twice and then they don't call you again. Oh, really?
Yes. Like you graduate levels and writing lab was like one of the next ones before Sun Company and before you're in the like the thing. And I had started doing standup and getting paid like fifty dollars, you know. Yeah. But I was like when they were like come do this, I was like that's a distraction from what I'm trying to do now. Oh yes.
Well one of the guys, he wasn't Grayling's, but I met a guy. Through somebody else, through going on these hikes, right, like these morning hikes, and he was an actor and he came here from somewhere on the East Coast, I want to say, like New Hampshire, Rhode Island or something. And and we were on the hike and he told me he goes, you know, my first day in L.A., my first day, I went on a hike and got bit by a rattlesnake.
And I was like, what if he goes, dude?
They he told me the story that I was like, holy shit. So he's he's on a hike.
He gets hit by a rattlesnake and is immediately reacting. Right. Immediately reacting to the venom. He ends up like halfway down the mountain and he's having trouble and like they they run into other hikers who don't help.
They're like they're like, I don't want anything to do with this. He's like, no, I'm going to die. They're like, I'm sorry. So when he finally gets down.
They're having trouble accessing him because of like where the trail is. That's the thing they like. We can't get them on the trail. You got to get down.
You've got to get yourself down. Get down. Fucking. Yeah. And this guy's got poisonous venom like his heart's racing now.
Oh, my God. He finally he does get down.
He's like, it's a whole ordeal just to get me out of there. Get to the hospital. He's conscious and he's, you know, talking to the doctor and the doctor goes, hey, we should we should call your parents and he goes, no, I don't want to worry them.
And he goes, no, no, we should call your parents so that you could say goodbye. In case this doesn't work out and he's like, what? And the doctor's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, like this is really serious. So let's call them. So they call his parents and he's and they're like, hey, how's Ella?
He's like, I might die today.
Oh, my God. And then they're in a in a full panic and they're like, what happened? He tells them what happened, gets on the doctor's in front of him. And he's like, you know, we're we're treating him. And we hope that, you know, this gets resolved, but it might not. So he's like, you know, you should get on a flight, but by the time you come out here, he might not be alive.
And so they're they're fully borling and, you know, I think that I think this is before you even face timing, because this is like, oh, yeah, it's got to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So they're just on the phone just like, all right, we're getting on a plane.
And he was like that was 24 hours after, like, I'm moving to L.A. like that was the first thing that happened to him was getting hit by a rattlesnake, by the way.
Not even comparing to that. Yeah. My first move to L.A., I come out and I'm standing Universal Sheraton and I got a meeting at Fox. Right. We're pitching I'm pitching with Will Smith. And my buddy Kreuz says, hey, let's go for a hike. And I'm like, great, we're pitching it like three. And and I go.
I go for a hike with them at Runyon and he's in great shape and him in this guy Siah just jogging. Yeah, and I get lost and I think I'm lost in the woods. Like, I think I'm I'm thinking I'm like, I won. I'm going to live up here, but I'm starting to panic cause I can't.
I like. We're up. We're up. We're like the backbone part. Like, you know, we take the side thing. Yeah. And you go of so many different areas. Yeah. And once you're familiar with it, you're like, oh, it's pretty much up and down all everywhere you go. I am so fucking lost, I'm so panicking.
I'm going through bushes like going up and I'm freaking out and I hear a voice and I'm like oh my God, oh my God. I go running to this place and it's two Persian women in flats and they're like jeans on. And I'm like. Wait, how did you guys get up here and there, like the parking lot and I was like, wait, there's a parking lot. So. So let's get back to blowjob. OK, so tap, tap, tap.
She's laughing. She was this may not be the time to talk about this, but all her dicks in your hand up, your dicks in her hand. This may not be the time to talk about this, but your mom's house and I thought she was talking about my mom's death was like, I really don't want to talk about this. She goes, no, I think it's important to go, baby. Let's not talk about my mom before a blowjob.
She was like, oh, not your mom. Your mom. And I went, What? Because your mom's house. And I went. Oh, my God, yes, I go, yeah, and then I had heard push the other day going like we got to get Leehan in here to talk about her blowjobs. And I was and she's like, I brought it up. And then that book is like, so we're going to talk about the book.
I haven't read it in 18 years. And I was like, oh, freshen up. Yeah, read it.
And so the whole point of this whole fucking story was that she had my degree and she's like your mom's house.
And I was like, I don't wanna talk about my parents. How was your orgasm? It was great. And then I realized sometimes a really good orgasm for me. A really good orgasm for me in my brain will say something crazy. It'll just go like silence electives.
Like like Ropen and like just a really like it's almost like free word association. Yeah. Today, more orgasms that you've been to Norway.
That's what you hear in your head and I've been in Norway and I envision what it was like to be in Norway. I've been in Norway.
Your brain is a blessing and a curse. Oh, I've been to Norway. So here's my Lee-Anne.
Funny thing. OK. So it was your birthday? Yes, yes. Yes. I got you an awesome present.
The best present anyone got me. Yes. Yes, the best present. And I did not hold back sharing that from my family. Yeah.
Yes. Which makes me very happy. So we can just say it. You turned 56. I've turned forty eight, 48. Sorry. And what's it like to be anything like you feel like you're really close.
I feel very far away. It does feel good because Leeann's 50, so I don't feel like you're 50. You're 50. I got two years. Yeah. I almost didn't count this particular.
We had the same kind of thing because I get I get to watch Christine a bit and then when she turned 40 and then she turned 40, when I was still my 13, she turned 42.
And I'm still I was like, what's it like in your 40s? I said, well, this sucks. You know, who, you know, like I connected with on this as Michael Ian Black. Yeah, michaeline, blacks, whites, two years, three years older. Yeah. And I remember saying, I hate that my wife's older and he was like, me too. I was like, really.
And he goes, yeah, he's like he's like because they always talk about aging. You're like, I'm still young. Yeah. I'm younger. Can you keep that shit to yourself. Like I remember Leon kept going. I'm fifty. I go stop saying that out loud like because then people think I'm fifty. Somebody messaged me the other day and they're like You're 40 when they go. I honestly thought you were 60 to me.
Someone said to me the other day, like yesterday, like, oh, Shane Gillis was like was like, you don't look 48, you look like forty five.
I was like, well it's not a huge difference, not a big difference at all.
So OK, so let's go through your birthday. You I assume the kids what they write cards to give you back you know.
And I did, my daughters did nothing. OK. Did nothing. Yeah. Nothing. They, I forgot it was my birthday and so like at lunch she was like, why are we. Because my manager Reg sent over a great line was actually a really great gift. Good gifts are thoughtful.
And I think when you have this lunch from this great Italian mother fucking stuttering this Italian like deli in Glendale, he sent over lunch.
And it was great because he showed up and I got to sit down and have lunch with my daughters, which I would not have had an idea was like, what's this for?
And mom, Marilyn's like, it's dad's birthday. And she goes, Oh, happy birthday. And I was like, That's how you want to say it.
Oh, oh, happy birthday, George.
I said, Happy birthday. The first thing in the morning. I got my present Sunday. So from from the girls.
And it was an iPad, which, you know, interestingly enough, at the beginning of the pandemic, I was like, I wish I had an iPad because everyone's on their iPads and they're like, oh. And then LeAnn puts it in her hands like, great birthday present for Bert. Yeah. And. It is funny, though, when you think of the fact that you can just be like, oh, I want an iPad, and that's what I said.
I was like I was like I thought about this from my like the thing about a gift, it's got to be something.
And this is where I think if we're going to talk about the LGBTQ community, I think they have it fucking right when it comes to same sex, getting same sex presence.
I don't think women and this is going to sound new agey progressive. I don't think women should be buying presents for men. OK. I don't think men should be buying presents for women. I think many of my presence for men and women should buy presents for women. I have something there.
And I think the LBG to community was five steps ahead of us.
I bet if you talked about being gay by, I think it might be more natural to be gay when it comes to receiving presents. I bet if you talk to gay dudes, they probably buy the best presents for. I bet gay dudes give gay dudes the best fucking.
Now you're on to something. Yes.
And I think if you're a woman and you're thinking about getting your man something, call up a gay colobus gay guy column.
Today, I'm thinking about getting my man this. You see how he responds. There's so much about like like that. I as a kid, when you hear about homosexuality, you're like your uncle tells you, you know, Karia, you're like, what?
And he's like, they fucking important and they die. And you're like, that sounds terrifying. I hope I'm not gay. This happened in Sanabel, Sanibel Island. Shout out to uncle.
I won't say your name, but you know who you are. So you get the you get the iPad.
It is a thoughtful gift. And iPads are great as I could about myself, but yeah, they're great. This one's engraved with all the nicknames they have. Happy Birthday Fetus. And I was like, oh, cool. Yeah. Well, you know, it's memorable.
So your boy, though, I hook you up with a fucking dope, acerbic not only, by the way, is how thoughtful of a picture.
This thing's fucking amazing. This is how thoughtful it is. I also did you notice that your seat is big and cushiony. Yes. I had them swap out the seats.
I had them swap out. It's not on there, is it? No, you didn't post it, right?
No, no, no, no, no. I didn't post that. I was going to do a video today.
Yeah, but give them the video. The video. OK, you're right.
So wait, I want to call a gay guy in an email to you.
Great. Their presents are because all I could think I mean, I was riding his bike around today. So I'm going to tell you, this bike. This bike got big tires, right? Black bike, big battery pack in the center. It's got a little throttle here on your thumb, which you can go. It's got five speed. So it's pedal assist. So if you start to pedal, it goes from one to five. I had put it on five today and put it on five when I took my first pedal and I left my driveway at fifteen miles per hour.
I was hauling a fucking they haul ass goes thirty miles per hour and it is funny shit.
And all I could do as I cruised through my neighborhood on a beautiful autumn morning, smiling ear to ear the day after my birthday, still a little buzzed from last night with a coffee and me smiling, I thought, I don't ever want my family to buy me a gift again.
I want them to take that money and send it to Tom and say, do with it what you will make Burt happy.
I knew, like, here's the thing. The when I got one you remembered because I called you, I was like this.
I think I said that in the video. I said that.
I said he called me from a mountaintop and you were it was like almost like you discovered Christ, you're like, dude, this thing's fucking rock.
You had a helmet on. You're like, I am having so much fun there.
It is so much fun that I was literally and I bought you a way better one than I had got myself this thing.
I get out of my driveway and I didn't know the pedal systems, I've ridden like a pedal assisted bikes with Steve Furi and Dave Williamson and like, we did it and they sucked. We couldn't get them to work. So I assumed that what would be a little bit. But the second you move the pedal, the engine kicks in. Yeah.
And I had it at a five and I flew out of my fucking driveway terrified. I was like, this is a lot. Yeah, yeah. And then I found the thing and I was like, fuck pedal's. We're just punching it. Yeah. And I was cruising through my neighborhood.
Oh, here it is. OK, ok.
Who. One second please. For this to start, us and your friend action. Tommy Vaughn, Tommy Bonds and a surprise.
Are you fucking serious. Are you fucking. Do you know he called me one time and he was like, Burt, you've got to get this place. Are you fucking serious or are you fucking serious? I told you to be serious. Are you excited? Shut the fuck up. Oh, my God. You know, he called me. He called me from the top of a mountain with a stupid bike helmet on. And he was like, he's like, Buddy, you've got to get one of these.
These things are amazing. I mean, seriously, it's like riding a motorcycle or flat tires.
Yeah. Oh, you're charging it right now.
Yeah. No, he's here. Delivered it has to charge for six hours before you can ride it. So I am definitely getting drunk and riding this thing. Yeah. Are you excited. Oh my God. This first day ever. This guy by the way, I swear to God, I'm just saying like if we were a gay couple, I'm just saying the sex might be OK, but the presence will be through fucking I mean, he knows me so much better than you do.
You're great. Yeah. This is oh man.
This is insane charge. We have the girls in it. Yeah. Oh. You know who's going to want to ride this fucking George Verver. Oh this is out of this world. You want to say to Big Tommy. Tommy. I love you as the best president. Thank you. Oh, and push and push and push now for Tommy thing. Exactly. This is the best president I've ever gotten.
Fat tires had to swap out the the seat. And then I was like, I need some storage. Like, he's going to pick up like a fuckin dozen donuts, little Paxo on the back. Because the worst is when you go somewhere you're like, well, how do I get it back? You got a little storage compartment. That thing's dope.
Oh, it was the best president ever. So this is what happened. So yesterday the guy calls me and I go deliver it to his house. And so he calls me. He's like, I'm I'm there. And I go, OK, go like go knock on the door. He knocks and Leeann's like, who are you? And I hear her. And he's like, I'm delivering this for Forbert.
She goes, you're delivering it, and then she's like, From who? And I'm like, It's Tom, it's me. So she goes, Oh, she goes, What is this? And I go to eBay. She goes, e bike. Because, you know, he's fat, right?
And I go, I go, I go there. They're fun.
She goes, I'd like them to have to pedal a little more.
She's like, you get all the exercise. She goes, Oh, I don't even know if I go, I go, I go.
He's going to have a blast on it. Yeah, she's a savage.
I mean, she, you know, he's fat, right? Yeah.
She said it loud to Fokin that it was that was the best man today driving around. I'm just like I'm just flying. You can be your favorite.
You can't you get you get to go. Like I was like I'm going to just do a lap. I did a lap so quick there's a half mile little track around like neighborhood.
I did it so quick that I was like, let's go to the park. And then you were at the park in the second. It's so much, you know, I have a new car and I did not want to drive that car.
Yeah, that's how I want to take the bike here.
So I was like, it is so fucking I thought I told you to. I go, I want to get into the bikes because you have one. I like this one's way cooler. I got one like this. She was you're going to get another one. I might get like four. I'm going to aquiver.
Yeah. Like they're just the best.
Like I really think we need to figure out a program where. Guys who consistently actually presidents like myself, yeah, like consistently, you know, at one point I had to train Christina, by the way.
She was she'd be like, oh, you know, like I got you this, like, cool photo.
And like, you know, I mean, like, yeah, that kind of I was like, yeah, but where's like that? Where's the wow factor. And she's like, what do you mean.
I'm like, spend some fucking money. Yeah. That's the thing. That's what I want you to give me something that I go, Oh shit.
Father's Day. Father's Day. LeAnn used to say the girls got you presents. And so I was like, cool. She goes and what's great is I let them pick them out. I go, hold on, hold on. They're both under three feet tall. Yeah. So everything I'm getting is where all the cheap shit is, right.
All the cheap shit in a store is all the expensive stuff up top.
I go I'm just getting the T-shirts at Target that they could see. And so I was like, I don't want that. I want cool shit. Cool shit. Yeah, exactly.
All right, guys, stand by. Because what happens is a guy buys a gift that he wants. Yes, that's what I sent you.
Something that I would want. Tom, I'm on the thing. I'm on the bike today going, this is our next challenge. I've got to do better than him for his birthday. I love it because your birthday last year I had pornstar sunu that was awesome. And you said you happy birthday.
Wish that was. And by the way I had this fucking guy set up to say happy birthday shit in his hand and then rub it on his face and through.
Yeah. Good. And so today, today I come home and I'm like what are you googling. And I was like I'm I'm Finkelman by Tom a boat.
I was like, oh, I want to get to the point where it's so ridiculous. With our birthdays we don't even think about our families were like, hold on.
Told me, get me. This year I got bird a helicopter, a helicopter ride. No. Oh, oh. I see no one. I can't wait.
When's your birthday? April 16. I can't wait for your birthday. I'm I'm literally going to put aside a nest egg. Good. Let it grow. Put the money in now so it grows. Here's the deal with our birthdays. OK, yeah. We have to spend more than the person that just bought it the year before. The year before.
So I've got to I've got to spend more than I love it. And we're going to keep going. This is what I'm talking about. Can I tell you, on the bike I came up with this plan. I was like, you realize when we turn like seventy, it'll be like I said, I like your house.
I go, I wish we had started this when we were twenty because then we'd be like, I don't even have birthdays to buy enough gifts.
This is a good one. This is going to be a great one. I want I want my every birthday.
Every birthday will be like, I'll wake up, be like horsburgh skivers and my kids be like, I got you an iPad. And I'm like, get the fuck out of the way. Yeah, get everyone off. I might.
Oh, did you draw a card the fuck out of here. It is never too early to get on that holiday gift shopping.
And, you know, we like to one up each other and get each other great gifts. You can save big on a gift that somebody will use every day the on wireless earbuds. I was lucky enough to get them as a gift and it is easy to use Bluetooth.
Seamless pairing, very comfortable noise, isolating. I make phone calls on it, go on walks, listen to music. Somebody calls book, plug them right in.
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We should pair people up with birthday guys.
That's a good idea. And guys guys need it more because women are easy women. You just like, you know.
Oh, I remembered that you said you love pink or you're like me and you don't buy them gifts anymore.
You just stop. I stopped. Well, yeah, because you have a you don't deserve a gift because you went out of your way to get that tracksuit thing and she fucking shit on it.
And I said, that's your last gift. I hope you enjoyed it. Yeah. I hope you enjoy shitting on it because you don't get anything. What about the girls, though? Do you still get stuff for the girls?
Oh, I blown it out of the water for them to do and I know them so well, but it's fun to do it for your daughters. I mean. Yeah. And by the way, I buy them gifts all the time.
They're like like I God, I love a bow and arrow for Christmas. Yeah. She was like, oh my goodness.
You don't forget the things that George was like this week. How come I didn't. I got one too. And so I love buying them gifts. Lee-Anne the last for her fiftieth birthday. I just sent I just sent someone over with jewelry and I said, just pick it out. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not. I'm out of it and I'm going to have this. And then, by the way, and the lady was like, she's like two things.
I was like, get the other one for Christmas and just. Yeah, and I'm done.
I'm so bothered by like buying her gifts because she is Liane's got this very brutally honest approach of life, which is super enjoyable if you're writing a script. But if you're living life, you don't want someone going, you dance stupid and you're like, I was enjoying myself.
I wish you didn't call it out, but I'm glad you did. I'm glad to know that I can no longer dance at parties in front of you. Yeah, well, I'm just saying. Don't you want to know. Yeah. You're like not I didn't want to know.
I did my first play I ever did. I didn't play. I just started dating LeAnn. I'm very proud of myself. I get in the car. I've never been in a place, remembered all my lines, I sit down and I was like and we'd just been dating like I mean, maybe like four months, three months.
Hey, can I go, Hillary, sit down. And I look nice. So what did you think? She goes, you can't act.
And I went. Excuse me, and she was like, I mean, I'm just saying you can't you can't act. And I was like, what do you mean? You're not a listener. You don't listen. You just all you're doing is like you're being the big guy. Every time you say it's like, wait till I talk and then bam. And then I was like. OK, and I just said, what don't you want to know the truth?
And I was like, not really. Yeah, I was just you can just go, you were amazing. Yeah, that's what everyone does. Right. Right. Like, yeah. Like if if you want to know if you if you want someone's opinion.
Right. Even right now I go. That's harsh. But then I was like I was probably a good enough.
I mean here's the problem is that it's a definite good analysis. And I'm certain if you had to sit through an hour of listening to me going like this, this is me acting in that play. And then we're told so and so and so they're like, what are we doing? Like, I'm waiting to talk.
And so what's even crazier is that the L.A. Times wrote a review of our play that evening. Yeah. And they said the play is horrible. Everyone's horrible, except for Krischer. He steals the show. And then I was like, oh, like backtracked better than my wife. Yeah, for sure.
But she was accurate in our assessment. And then I learned to act better.
So here's the problem is that and by the way, this is actually a huge little thorn in our relationship right now. Her brutal honesty. Yeah. I'm like, I don't need it all the time. But she is doing it because she loves you.
She doesn't want you to look foolish and she wants you to she wants to protect you. So like so then when she does, like, something like the cabin, she loved the cabin.
Right. And I remember I was so scared to show talks, I was like, we can't fix it. So like, we did something, whatever it is, it is. Whatever it is, it is. And she started getting the the cuts and I give them to her say, like, what do you think? And I'm giving her Donelle. And Bobby was the first one she got randomly was the first one she got. And I was like, oh and she was howling, laughing.
And I was like, oh what's good.
She's like, honey, this is great. And I was like, OK, so actually no, it's good. Yeah. So it's like as I'm shitting on her to say this with a great thing is that when is that she's fucking honest is that's great. It just hurts when you're in a relationship and sometimes. Yeah. And especially with presence. So yeah. But I really think, I really think I'm really excited for my next birthday. I can't wait to see.
What do you do for my fiftieth. Everybody is going to be a big deal. It's going to be fun. Yeah it's going to be really. We need to pair dudes up. I was thinking this on the bike ride.
We need to set up a system where if there's a guy that's watching this that does not have a best friend we can find, do you have any idea what it's going to be like when I'm like, Hey, babe, Burt's turning fifty, so don't freak out that I'm spending 250000 dollars?
She's like, what I got. Do we have a whole thing going on? It's the usual an elephant bird like bird.
Oh, we we get ready for Fiji tonight. Oh, I can't wait.
My daughters and our wives grab their bags. We're like, no, no, no, no. Like we're going. And they're like, what?
I bet gay dudes buy the best presents for each other. Let's ask him, hey, are you gay? Send us an e-mail. Send us an email to Bears' one at Gmail subject line presence and let us know some of the great presidents you've either given or received, because I bet it blows straight guy gifts out of the water.
I bet I think you're right about that. A hundred percent. I bet.
I bet it's some it has to be because it's it is the extension of Amagi.
What do I want. That's awesome. And you just get it for the guy that your wit gets. Yeah.
I said perfect. Last Christmas past Christmas. I got a generator like you got me a generator, backup generator, a backup generator. But I was like, oh, cool.
She's like, well, what if power goes well? You you always say, what if something happens?
I was like, I think I think she's missing the point. Like, I could buy that for myself. I could just get myself a generator.
But also, like, I don't want like like like by the emergency equipment borderline thinking about editing this out, because I know she's going to be like, well, you didn't like the generator, but daddy told me the best one to buy.
So but but it's like and so she goes, well, what were you way?
Happy birthday. I got you these six fire extinguishers. You're like, thanks. Well, you always said a man would suck if we had a house fire. That's true.
Oh, that is true. I got you a blood pressure monitor for grand, isn't it? That's bullshit.
I said she goes, Well, what were you thinking? I remember one Christmas and birthday. I thought I had a surprise coming to me and then I never got. I like the person I got was I forget what it was, but it wasn't great. I like they killed it one year they got me an owl. But, yeah, that was a good one.
I remember when I actually when I got Christina to go, like I was I was like, yeah, you know, these presents are like, hmm. And she was like, well, I mean, what do you want? And it was we were living in Redondo and I was like, you know, like iPad like that.
I was like, yeah. I was like, you're going to have to spend something. Yeah. So that I go, wow, this is fucking awesome.
And I'm like, I'm a guy. I like gadgets.
I like I said, give me a gun, gimme a car. He did a good she hit it.
She like she got me like fucking socks and shit. And I was like, oh. And then she's like I thought you, you know, you wanted like a new binder. And I was like a fucking binder. Oh, the man opened a bunch of stuff and it was an iPad. I was like, this is a good you tricked me and tricked this guy like that. I like that.
But I like to be tricked into something cool, you know, not like, you know, I knew you wanted a flashlight.
I know this flashlight. If you wind it up. Yeah. It charges itself.
Cool. I got that one.
You know how you are losing your keys. Oh, this is a keychain that sends you a text and a great I can cool mono but you lose your keys.
That dude I bet guy gives are through the fucking roof. Let me take a quick break, OK. And then we'll go. We haven't even talked about. I know. Oh yeah.
OK, that's nice. A lot of times he breaks can be almost a sexual experience, and that's what that was for me, like, you know, like I seriously Cristina tells me, she goes, I don't know anybody who enjoys their bodily functions more than I will like.
I will you know, I'll drive home from Brayer and have and hold my pee and then, like, I'll be pissing.
And she like, Jesus Christ, what are you doing?
I'm like, oh, this is a fucking two minute game. I love shitting so much. Yeah.
Like if you said there was a pill I could take and I could shit twice as much as I already do.
There is this kind of laxative. Oh by the way, we need to get you on peptides. So can I ask you something. Oh, 100 percent.
What the fuck. I don't even understand what it is. I don't know either. Oh good. But you have them.
I'm doing it and you don't know what you're taking. Can you, like, just Google? Like, what are peptides, Goole peptides, peptides. Let me tell you what I think they are. They are naturally occurring amino acids that are in your body already that help produce regenerative like like it's anti aging shit. So it helps regenerative tissue. And I saw the photo that you sent and I said, I don't want to like, you know what I saw?
I went to the guy's website and he's like the guy right here.
I don't want to blow the guy up. Yeah, I know. And I'm sure he doesn't want me blowing them up. But but yeah, it's. There and what it does is it, from what I understand, is it takes amino acids that trigger the hypothalamus into producing just a little bit of extra HGH or growth hormone so that it helps your body sleep, it helps your body, gives you energy, and it helps build muscle. And by the way, I am definitely inviting you guys to hit me up and tell me why I should not be using.
I'm sure I should be using them because I'm equally curious. And, you know, Drew was saying that for a period of time he had used them. A lot of people use them orally, but they're not as effective as the injection. The usually it gets dissolved in the stomach and it doesn't get into the bloodstream as much as the injection does and. You look at people that are using peptides and you can tell the difference, like what are the side effects?
What are the diarrhea, itchiness, have so much I don't mind diarrhea, though.
Yeah, like itchiness, an infected area, increased water retention. That's if you're if you're by the way, that is if you are fucking loading up on them. This guy, the fucking guy is very light on them and he starts you off in very light so that you can kind of find out where you are. Dry mouth, don't none of you. Did you start none of these the other day and one day you do what you do.
Five you by the way, I hope to God what I'm saying is not illegal. Why would it be illegal? I don't know. Well, how many of you do five days on, two days off, five days on Tuesday is one injection a day. Yeah, OK. Yeah.
Into your tongue and so your tongue. No kidding. But. A slew of peptides are now banned. I found the peptides I'm taking and they're all like pretty common. They're not like horrible things. Want to know, are you feeling any different?
Yeah, I just I'm going for a couple of days in.
OK, but but yeah. So I've talked to Drew about it. Drew's like, I don't know man. We should really look at these. Lianne's not taking hers yet. Leeann got them for Antiaging and then I was like, I couldn't do it. She's like, why? I was like, I like what you look like and I don't want you to look younger.
And then also when you stop, you drop off and turn into a fucking old hag, like, can you imagine her like like they work.
They work. And then you're like, God, you look fucking awful. Like I'm done taking them in the next morning she wakes up just going, oh, where's the ring.
Yeah, whatever. Never mind, you know, just don't even start. Yeah. So let's talk about this. So. A couple of weeks ago, we actually did stand up at the Rose Bowl or excuse me, outside of the Rose Bowl, outside of the Rose Bowl, an outdoor drive in show, the largest concert held on the West Coast this year.
Yes, got since March. March, since March. Since March.
It was, um, something you went. Thank you much for coming out to me. It's a very different thing. Like you have been doing these tours. This you are the the Drive-In guy, especially in the old economy.
You've got a lot of them. I mean, you've been on tour all year. You know, everybody who follows this knows that you've been on the road and and really, I think, built that business like from from the ground.
Mark, relate to you. Yeah. Mark Rebel is the administration's rabieh rabieh. Yeah, he did. So I did one on Thursday. I think he did one Wednesday. Yeah. Yeah. Same venue. Same thing. His show apparently is amazing. He's a fucking amazing performance.
I don't I've never seen it. We're working. He's an amazing performer, but he does it if I'm not mistaken and I don't want to give anything away. But I think he does it from a box.
I mean, he can create. A fucking soundtrack just with his keyboard, his looping. Oh, yeah, and everything is brand noise and it's like what I understand he does it. So this was the big knock on Drive-Ins initially. And a lot of people didn't buy tickets when I went on tour because some celebrities were doing satellite Drive-Ins, meaning like they would do a record show. Garth Brooks did that. And you're like Garth Brooks was like, I'm doing a hundred city driving.
And everybody's like, Oh, wow.
And then he was like, you go there and you get your ticket and then we'll play the video that I recorded so stupid.
Was not what Mark Rubbly does is, if I'm not mistaken, and I don't want to ruin his show, but he is in a in a in a green screen box.
Yeah. At the drive in. And he's talking about things that are going on.
So you got a phone line.
On stage so that people in that show could call him on stage and he could talk to people at the show, he's a really interesting guy.
His brain works very different. And it's cool. Like I remember when and I'll be very honest, we did something like, I guess Mark does a he has a golf cart take him to stage, or maybe he did once on that Wednesday show there, like he does a thing with a golf cart. And I was like, oh, we have golf carts. And they're like, yeah. And I was like, oh, I'm going to do a big I'm going to do a big entrance on the golf cart.
And then you realize I couldn't because it's dark. One of my shows started. Yeah. So you couldn't see me. And so then we had this golf cart floating around and I was like, you know, we need to do is do a meet and greet on the golf cart. And so that's because like other people did meet and greets.
But here's the thing that I took away from these, like I thought this before. And then being there, I was like, I'm correct. What's that? This is a total BRK experience.
It is it is it like when you're there, you're like, this is by and Forbert? Oh, I mean, every element of it. Like when you started telling me about these, like when you started doing them, I was like, I don't want to do those. And you're like, it's awesome that people are tailgating. And I was like, I definitely want to do it.
And you're like and they're like partying outside. I was like, nope, can't pass. Yeah.
And and everything that you told me, I was like I was like, you know, that's you. And then I got to see it in person.
And I mean Uranus. I was super reluctant to do this. Yeah.
I was like, I don't want to do this, but I'll I'll tell you this, Ben, I really was proud of you because I, I saw it as something that you had built and done and I saw you like in your element and the whole thing to me, screamed Birte from like.
Yeah, the the outdoor element of like people there. And they're sitting on their pickups and they're, you know, some of them are like they're fucking grilling and they're, you know, they have their beers and then the big screens. And I was like, man, this really is so beautiful to me.
It's a beautiful setting, the sun setting over the mountains. Everyone's sitting watching a beautiful sunset. It gets dusk. Then the show starts. Everyone's got beers. They're all wrapped up in blankets in the back of their trucks. I mean, it's just it's like everything I love about it. It's everything you love. It's everything I love that I didn't know stand up could have in it. Yeah. And I didn't think I could have it in here.
And then I, I we do the show and it's you know, that's the other thing is I was also re-elected because I was like I haven't done a lot of stand up this year. Yeah. And I had a special come out so I haven't been like doing as much. I did a weekend of shows before I did the six shows in OKC. I was like, all right, at least I feel a little warmed up. And then it is a different group because you were telling me you're like, oh, you know, you won't hear the audience this way.
You told me one of the I was like, what?
Like, how do you even you won't hear there's I think we had what, like twenty three. I don't we had like over a thousand cars and every car averaged four people. Yes, there's thousands. But you have to remember like when you go see standup at a club or theater, you know, there's a cadence and a rhythm and it's all based on like say something here or something. Right.
And then you pause, you push through it like it's all that dance. So on these outdoor shows, they're like, you might you might hear the people in the front who are sitting outside their cars, which is like 50 to 100 people. Yeah. And then that's it. It's like everybody else. It's like you're performing for a intimate club. Yeah. But it's four thousand people which like it doesn't even register in your mind.
You know who I ended up like reacting the most to the stagehand's. Oh yeah.
Because I would hear the big joke and then you would just hear a guy six feet away from you going like that and you're like, oh OK. Stagehand's were dying during your set because I hadn't heard it and then heard it and they literally and their big laugh was all real good sense of humor. And I was sitting in the back listening to yours in the sound booth. So there's sound booth behind the stage. I was with those guys. Maybe they were doing the screen, I forget, and me and the dude back there running the board were crying, laughing together.
So you forget, but you're literally I'm up there doing this and being like, I can hear fifty people laughing. Yeah, that's it. Yeah.
And then you're telling yourself, oh but there's a few thousand people out here and you realize that there are people in their cars, some people have their cars are inside their cars, windows up because of covid. And that's what I love about it also is that you're giving people the opportunity to decide they're comfortableness.
I talked to a guy after the show. I'm like the way you think. He's like, that's definitely weird. And it's definitely different than a normal show. And I was like, well, what do you mean? He goes, well, you know, there is like that environmental thing when you're at like a big theater. Right? And he's like, so we would be in a car. And like some things, like he goes like, I would laugh at person.
Next me is not laughing. Sometimes we wouldn't laugh. And you look in the people in the car next to your laughing. Yeah. Sometimes we're laughing really hard and they're not like he's like. So it's it's a very like isolated kind of experience, but also it's the experience that exists because of the world right now.
That's that is like what it is mean, the one thing the one thing you're that the one thing that I'm very happy to be able to offer people is a chance of normalcy.
So, like, my sister just had a baby and so she has been pregnant for all of the old covid and she just had a baby during covid body, Cottee and her second baby.
Second baby, a beautiful blue eyes, black hair, blue eyes. Yeah, this kid's gorgeous. And so.
She said she called me the next day and she was like, I had such a great time, I haven't been out of the house, I haven't done anything yet to be able to get out of the house and feel a little normal, go to the Rose Bowl.
It's wild to get all the thank you people thanking you.
And you're like it's like, yeah, look, there's a ton of that where I could go. It's going to sound virtue signalling. But the stagehand's are very grateful for the work. The guys working on thing are very grateful to have jobs because that is their business putting on live shows. Yeah. And they're no one's doing them. So they're very grateful. The people, all your management, all your team, all your your bus driver, everyone's everyone's working.
So that's like a really great thing. And then mostly what I think is to allow the people that like myself, I would I'm just saying this right now. I want to see a lot of concerts. I want to go out and be normal. I would go out with my wife. I would love to come pick you and push up and have live in the car, then go see a fucking live show. It would be great at a fucking concert.
Yeah, I would go to I would go to that for a music show.
I think it would be fun, you know, a heartbeat. Yeah. I mean, so the other thing is OK, so it is, it is like a birth is a burden is a the experience. But we're grilling ribs by our boss.
So that's the thing is you've always told me about that, but I've always been like, what? Because I go, look, our best lives are very different.
I mean. Like the way you do the blasts and the way I do the bus, I guess when you walked onto a bus, you're like, oh my God, you guys live in this bus is chaos.
I mean, my bus looks like a fucking leggat, like like an infectious disease doctor lives on the bus. And that's not even during Kovik. Like, it is just clean.
And the first of all, like there's like to pee. I don't even like like a stranger getting like a friend. If someone brings a friend and I get my friend, I'm like, cool, why don't you wait outside? Yeah, I don't. To let people come on the bus, I get your bus. Looked like a dorm room.
Oh, you're just shit everywhere. Everywhere, everywhere. And I was like, how many people sleeping on you go fucked seven.
I'm like seven people sleep on her. God, this podcast is brought to you by Bubbs. I just got my shipment of bulbs and we were just talking about peptides and there are peptides in the bubbs. This is all about collagen hair, skin rejuvenation.
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So total chaos in that regard then you always had the Dave Williamson. Let me just say this, Ben. That is some of the best I'm serious, some of the best barbecue I've ever had, and I'm not I'm not an amateur with this. Like I travel all over the country. I always seek it out. Casey, Texas, Carolina, you know, any of those cities you hit?
I mean, Dave has a gift that it was a gift.
And then you guys are like, we eat this every night and Dave grills every night.
He puts he'll get up brisket, baby back ribs. I mean, and he made different ones. I was like he made two different types of ribs for you guys because he made I can't stop thinking about it. They were the best. I mean, I was watching push just fucking go down on her.
She was like, I really want to raise. I was like, yeah, that's every time we pull into a city center. San Antonio, amazing man. He gets up early, we pull in the bus, comes in at like 8:00 in the morning, Dave's up, pulls out the smoker, puts a brisket on, goes back to bed and lets it sit there. And then after the show we come out, he made an eighteen pound wangu brisket because Rogan was going to come out of San Antonio.
And so he's like, we had a program where like hey man, come to a show with us. And he was like, I'd love to, I don't know if we get back from a long time but let's see, I'll do San Antonio. So Dave's like dude I got this eighteen pound bag of brisket. I'll make it for Bougon. So he gets up early, makes an eighteen pound Wigo brisket.
It is to this day my mouth watering it. We actually heated some up for you that night. It melted in your mouth.
It really listen I mean it was, it really was something. I was like oh my God. So this is like OK, you guys are doing this every night, every night.
So crazy. Every night, Dave smoking something. We're filming everything. We're having cocktails like everyone starts drinking.
The whole thing is a lot. But this is what I want to get to. So it's like there's that part of it. There's the part, there's the drinking.
The best is when I got off stage and you were like, I can tell you've done a lot of these. Yes. Because my I like my momentum is like I'm I'm almost like if I have a joke that I know it's funny and I'm here on laughs I go, that's going. Oh yeah.
Like, you know, I mean, you had like you had the I've been like there's there's a thing like when you do oddball if you ever do oddball like the big ampitheater tour. But we would do it because you would have people come on and off of it. Right. And when I was someone's first day, we're like, have you done this? And there go no. And you're like don't worry about tonight is going to be you feel weird by tomorrow or Saturday, this will feel totally normal.
Yeah. And it was basically consistent every time they would be like like by the second show they're like, oh, now I know how to do this. And what I mean is like there's 10000 plus people were outside. It's not that environment you're used to performing in.
It takes like a show to get used to it. Yeah. And it kind of felt like that.
And I could tell like watching you when you get up, I was like I could tell you've done and I cheat codes right where I go or jokes where I know that if I punch, punch, punch, punch in the middle of this joke, it works even better. I like I figure out. Yeah, you figure it out. And it was funny because I definitely have figured out how to perform and to drive in to the point where it doesn't bother me if a train drives by in the middle of my set at all, which happens which happened all through Cleveland.
Yeah. Like literally a train went by every 15 minutes.
Yeah. And I could tell, I mean you were just rolling and you did 75 minutes.
Yeah. You're like forty, seventy five minutes later.
So but we get off and you're, you're, we're like, you're like OK, are you ready to meet my face. And I know and you're like no this is so fun Tommy. This is so fun. And I go and you're like oh I just get on the back of the golf cart and like we sit here you go, no, we stand and I'm like, stand. And you're like, Yeah, yeah. And Dave will drive us through.
And it's not like a golf cart. It's a gas powered like John Deere. Yeah. Fucking tractor thing.
And you are like you, you're like, isn't this the best?
And I go, no.
And we're driving through the like where the people were parked and they're all like cheering and shirtless and screaming.
And you're like, yes. And I was like, let's go back, let's go back. It's this is a study in our two personalities. Yeah. It play.
All right, Dave, don't let us get too close to anybody. I can't die here. Thank you guys for coming out and. Come on, guys, coming out. So, you know, look, I'm happy because I love this part at these. Thank you, guys. Thank you very much.
Good book with the this was so unstable, I tell this guy like I'm told this guy is like your brother, all right? They don't get us. Don't don't get us. Great luck. Thank you guys for coming out. This is my favorite part of these shows that make people crazy. She. I think those are big fans or Tom fans right there. Oh. And put the gun down. Thank you, brother, thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much. You guys have a great night. Be safe. Christine, isn't this amazing? I've been doing this all summer. Thank you guys so much. Have a great night. Have a great night, everybody. This is my favorite part. We've had good ones. Thank you. Thank you. I see this. I do this so that I know it. And it's it's great. Thank you, guys.
It's a great equalizer to know, like how your night went, because I've definitely I had one show in Indy, a late show that it was did not go so well. And I did the meet and greet and like. We're just trying to get out of here, buddy. Oh, all right. Yeah.
So, yeah, we got back and we jump off the John Deere fucking gas powered thing and you're like, what do you think? And I think you're a fucking redneck.
I did this has that experience that had Florida vibes to me.
All right. I mean, like when you're in high school and someone's like, you want to drive through some groves. Yeah.
Like, how do you do that and hop on this fucking thing? Oh yeah.
The it's I do that because sometimes in those places like we did that in Philly. Yeah. Because it was like I wanna say 2000 cars or whatever, maybe it was not. I forget what it was, but it was so wide and big that I go the people in the back maybe didn't get to the same show the people the front got. So you get in the car and then you go drive to the back and you say hi. And they're like said that like I saw you.
Only you would have figured out to do this.
Like I could have done 60 of these. And I'd be like, there's no fucking way I'm driving down there.
Oh, you want to do a meet and greet? I remember the first first rainout we had. I went out and it was a rainout and they were like shows canceled. And we waited till like 1:00 in the morning and they were still there at 1:00 in the morning and still there. And so I just went out and they rescheduled or they just canceled, just cancel it.
And so we went out in the golf cart. So I went out to apologize and I came out and there was like fucking like 400 or 500 people there. And I was just and they're all sitting there. And I was like, I'm so sorry. And they're like, just tell the machine. And I was like, I was like, fucking how about I do some new material? And then I ended up on the back of the golf cart.
They're all standing around in a big area. And I ended up and then I'm like, wait, I'm just doing the show enlightening. Yeah.
Like, I was like, I'm going to get the fuck out of here. Just canceled because we might get hurt. You just need to go home. But I love that meet and greet. I mean, it makes me think it was a fun experience.
I mean, it was it was really an experience. Like I actually curious I'm curious to see like.
Because it all came up to be in there, like, will you do this? Oh, every every everybody. Everyone, yeah. And I got to be honest with you, there's a way to figure out I think we were all set up in the way and the theaters are amazing. The experience you have in the theater. I can't wait to get back in the theater. They're so good. It's because the laughter so contagious and it's so how it's supposed to be.
The whole thing is that theaters are actually perfect for they really are perfect. Yeah. I will say amphitheatres are pretty next level. They're pretty. They're the amphitheatres are pretty great. We did one in Grand Junction, which was the best show we've ever had. San Antonio. I go to San Francisco. I have two shows tomorrow on Friday that are in outdoor seated socially. Dist. are like you buy your table and then you can fit ten people at your table of your people, you know, like five people.
But those are pretty great.
I'm curious to think how what the trends like what this will do to stand up and what it's going to do to the way I look at Torian because I want to get back in the theaters, I want to do theaters again, but I also loved offering something a little different. I think that's cool, you know, like I wouldn't mind doing like, like I have a few ideas of other things. I know Fortune told me she did baseball stadiums and I was like that would be cool because amphitheatres would be cool.
Finding a way to do a different style of show or give someone a different type of experience, I think maybe separates your ticket from the the rest of them.
The ampitheater thing is really cool as long as you can like in like in a normal situation, you get to have like the numbers, like it's such there's there's so big.
Well they have these damn civic amphitheatres that seat the seat like a thousand 2000. That's cool. That are they're like like Sacramento's got a bunch of them. I think I'm doing one in Sacramento, but it's like a civic anthem amphitheater where they built it for the city. And you got but I the problem is I don't know how to get a hold of them.
And we didn't those weren't available to us when we started doing this. It was just drive ins.
But I'm curious to see where it will go and what what it would do to like the way you'd want to do a show like like if someone said to you, oh, we've got, you know, like I don't know. I just keep thinking. When you go into two theaters, your ticket is up against Brian Regan, Jim Gaffigan, Chris Rock, yeah, Dave Chappelle, yeah.
That everyone sells theaters and you're also someone sells theaters. But when you offer a show that maybe not a drive in or maybe maybe it's a different style venue, then people might look at it and go, hey, that's actually a totally different event. It's comedy, still a comedy, but we can go bring our blankets in a different experience.
It's a different right. You're totally right. You're totally right on that. I think it's actually very cool that you've built that before we go. So we have basketball coming up one on one. Yes, I have played zero.
I've played zero. I've not played at all either.
I went I was like I was going to go to I went to a park the other day and when they when they to to shoot. Yeah. And when I got there, the city had still not unlocked that hoops when they locked it down during quarantine, like when it was like a city lockdown.
So they just have all the hoops like locked off.
I was like oh so I can't even shoot hoops here. What. I know you're going to say what what if we did in the meantime, yeah, a food challenge, we should do something stupid. Yes.
Oh, by the way, I'm nothing but stupid ideas I wanted to see.
I picked up on that. And I feel like I want to do a challenge to see who could get their right arm bigger than their left arm. And so the difference was whose arm left arm could be smaller. So the winning was how much bigger your right arm was in your left arm? Not my big arm, bigger than your arm. How much bigger my right arm would be than my left arm. So just do biceps and one arm and try to use your left arm as little as possible.
And that's profoundly stupid. Yeah, that's a ridiculously stupid. Yeah, I like it. We could do something like that food wise.
What do you think? You could just smash that?
You don't think you know, I mean, that you could beat me, like I'm saying, and things like, you know, like doughnut holes, pizza, burgers, like thing where you're like I actually like the hot dog eating contest.
Yeah. I think we should do something really dumb.
Oyster's. Oh shit.
The only thing OK, it's interesting because like you can pound so many I think we'll probably get pretty sick. Right.
Yeah. OK then let's, let's not, let's not angle to get sick. Yeah. Because it's probably a bad idea. And here's the deal.
I what you like fifty oysters and I think you can be like I'm going to and really it's going to come out of both ends for a while.
Throwing up oysters would be the first thing to throw up. What about chicken wings? That's a good one, chicken wings, but the problem is, what about what about what about what if we got Hooters Buffalo shrimp? Well, definitely diarrhea, but I think it's probably for all these yeah, um, how amazing you could take down. I mean, because I always wanted to do the donut. I ate 50 very quickly the other day. What doughnut hole?
No doughnut hole in my mouth. Yeah, well, yeah. You mean the buffalo shrimp revolutionary by 50.
Very quickly. Very quickly, we should do we should do a sweet and a savory competition. OK. Let's see, what we should do is we should do a milkshake drinking contest, who can drink at the fastest?
I get cold headaches.
Yeah, it's a good one. Milkshake. I think we need we need your sweet and savory. Sweet and savory. Yeah. What does that say you.
Well, one is like, you know, like like the chicken wing thing and one is the sweet thing.
OK, so what would be I think donut holes is hilarious because I could get up into like triple digits.
I think I do. I'd be up for donut holes. So you've got to you've got to not eat for a day. You can do whatever you want.
But I'm thinking you have to see how many you can eat in a period of time. Obviously, you know, OK, you give yourself like a limit. That's how they do the hot dog eating Nathan's hot.
And you see, I went to my fucking problem is I want to enjoy them. Like when I see the hot dog eating contest, I'm like, I'm like, yeah, but just eat.
Well, that's like that's another level where we can't get into I mean, those people. What about what about those little coneys, the little with chili and cheese on them. The little IRA.
I was about to say rape but I rape my mouth of those, my mouth like oh please stop, please don't take it.
You all tell me that you could take down the fork. I'm I ate too in Cleveland. I ate too. Packo's with a pacho is a is it's a Canadian but it's got mustard. Will you put mustard. Relish my mouth-watering. I'm fucking so hungry right now. Me too. I ate two of them in 45 seconds to. They're like legit big size with a sausage in them and everyone on the bus was staring at me. I was about to go on stage and I just lost control and they just showed up and they were hot.
And so I just ate two in 45 seconds and they were like, Hey, man, I think you're going to get sick. And I went on stage and it hurt to talk. Yeah, I was like, I think I pulled something.
Yeah. Those Packo's type in Packo's hotdog, I want time to see them so good looking. Packo's, Tony Packo's. That's the hot dogs, Tony Parker. Yeah, OK. They're legit. That's it, I look at that, I took down two of those in 45 seconds.
Do you think you could eat 20 of them in five minutes? I think I don't know if I could 20, I can definitely five, I know that. Well, that's a big difference.
I'm just saying I'm just trying to because they come in packs of five, OK, I could have eaten all five of those within a minute.
We need we need to I think that's one of the next things we need to do as well. OK, eating challenge are like a limit. I would be great if we could get something that like. My mouth is watering so bad right now, you hear it like I'm like. Let's set it up in milkshakes, Krispy Kreme glazed doughnuts.
Yeah, a dozen within we had never really did that. You know, we did do that. Yeah, but we didn't get that far.
It was I think it it it was harder to keep going. Like, the sweetness is a great it's a great punch. Like a hit. Yeah. But then you're like it overwhelms you.
I'm bummed that I don't we don't have enough like good food in Los Angeles right now. Right now. Yeah.
Like there's like it's hard to go get food. Yeah. Oh I want Tony Packo's right now. Like I want something ridiculously crazy with chili on it only gets sick. I had a workout today, OK, I'm gaining weight like fucking crazy. Let's do it. That's what this is what keyed my bike.
No one takes it while I'm out on ice selling these hot summer nights key chains at my shows.
That's, uh, it's pretty cool. Yeah. Somewhere nice and it's pretty cool. Yeah. All right, thank you guys for listening. Happy birthday, Burt. Thank you. Thank you for my present present I've ever gotten. You're awesome. All right. Bye, guys. Burt, Tom, Tom and Ward one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in Burt snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.
Here's what we call sandbaggers. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call so you focus on Katie.