Can we get Cortez Lewis to create a handshake for us? That's what we need. We need to reach out to Cortez and be like, yo, give us a secret to handshake. Yeah, yeah. It's you on Twitter. Hey, Cortez.
Lewis, me in terms of girl. Love you. Love you.
You love you. Please don't send that hundred percent.
Hello and welcome to another episode of Tuberose One Cave. My name is Bert Krischer.
And this I'm Tom Sagara. We want to apologize for last week's episode, we should have never attached Matt Damon and Ben Affleck to anything other done right to a show without their approval first or it was immediately purchased. We want to apologize to everyone. And let's be clear, when we say we, we mean Bert.
I by the way, I'm holding on to that. Yeah. Guys, listen. Yeah. You know, so funny is I immediately as soon as I did, I thought to myself, I have actually been attached to shows that have been sold. And I was like, yeah, the only reason I was told to detach myself because you attached me without asking me. Right.
And that's exactly what we did to them.
We did not again, we we did. We really dropped the ball.
Yeah. And that's what's beautiful about having you.
You you when you have a partner, you guys can share the blame, share the shortcomings, and then celebrate the successes together. Shout out to Jennifer Aniston. Still big plans in the making. We don't want to tip the hat too much. Right.
But the ball is rolling and I think there was one too many. Did you think if you think if I was missing a tooth. Right. Yes. That I would lose weight.
How much you weigh? No idea. Can I tell you what I'm doing? I'm weighing myself backwards now. How does that work? Astellas go backwards. I can't see it. Who sees it? Nobody.
You just go through the process, goes into my phone. Do you wanna see how much I weigh? Yeah, OK. I don't say it out loud. I'm going to show it to you, this is this morning, I weighed myself backwards, OK? OK, you have to look, I have not looked OK, but my body feels good. Like I feel like my arms feel jacked. You know, that I probably gained a ton of muscle and muscles heavier than fat.
So but this was my I don't know what it is. OK, now if it's below 240, I will be very happy. If it's above 240, I'm going to be very sad.
OK, you just take it. These are all my weights. OK, back to back to 242.
Don't you mean to tell you. No, no, no, no, no. Let's play a game with it. OK, ok. You're the thing you just told me about. Whether you're happy or sad is very relevant to this.
Well, you said you'd be very happy if you're below eight and said if you aren't. So I think you should kind of be like. Said, no, no, the kind of like on the line, I'm 240, yeah, fucking cunt, I'm fucking 240, I'm busting my ass, I'm drinking a bottle of wine.
And I know that has no effect, but I'm not eating.
So I had this tooth exactly what's great about my body fat percentage. You have tissue's. What do you think it is, all demos? What do you think? Thirty five percent. Yeah. God damn it, I don't even I might as well look at the wait.
Can I tell you something? Young people, you're gaining weight.
I mean. How do you gain weight? Well, whatever you're doing is working. You know what's crazy, though?
Well, you know how much I weigh. No, I don't want to know. Let me see your phone. You have it on your phone. I don't have it on my phone, but I do it myself to 220. Yeah, that's great. It's really I'm really proud of you. It's only 20 percent.
It's only 20 pounds less. You do have a baby leg and a baby arm.
So if I had baby baby parts, baby parts, then, yeah, I'm getting old, gaining a lot of muscle, getting a lot of muscle, like squatting along. The cool thing is that, um, I, you know, can I get vaccinated.
Am I still in the obesity, massively obese? No, you're not that bad, man. I mean, I look fucking you look good. I don't know, Jack. Look, you look good, man. It's a lot of muscle. I think it's mainly muscle. Mainly muscle and my legs or my my waist. I'll tell you my measurements, because I was measure my body and that's how I judge and I haven't been eating.
Well, let me rephrase that. So I've lost a tooth twice to Candie's.
I lost three. Ultimately this is the best Aultman is four times this tooth has come out of my mouth in your life.
No, in the last month. This too. So a year ago. One year ago, if anyone follows my Instagram stories, I woke up in the middle of night, very beginning of the pandemic before I think before we knew to wear masks. OK, like that's how. Yes, the pandemic that would have been like March, early March. Right. The second week of March. And I had a I had a root canal, not root canal.
Was it an abscess. And I remember so fucking painful that I went in and I just started getting Anbesol and just pouring it into this hole in the tooth.
God damn, dude, it was the most pain I've ever been in with a tooth. I mean, I thought at first I thought. Could this be like a brain tumor? It was so I first I thought it was sinuses, so I was like, oh, it's it's an impacted sinus. And I would like push. And it was just so painful. And then I went to the dentist and my dentist said he was like, I got to be honest with you, I.
This is going to be a fuckin huge overtaking undertaking, and I was like, why? And he's like, because I'll explain this as best I can. So my jaw, I'm sure there are people like this. My jaw doesn't bite like this.
Fucking shit, it doesn't look like this, my job bites like this. OK, see the back here but my back molars hit hit first. Yeah. And so what they've done and what they should've done was at a young age, but they didn't know to do this back then. They should have just broken my jaw and then reset my jaw because it's my jaw, ok. And so. But they didn't do that. What he did was like, well, let's see what we can do now and then when you're 50, you'll have to deal with this.
I remember them saying that, yeah, I'm 48 and it's fucking coming to roost.
Like, I remember that they really knew their predictions. They were like, man, when you're like when you're like a man, you'll have to do this. Another done winked. And he was like, or maybe you'll die before then.
You never have to do it. And so they tell kids it'll never be a problem, kid, you'll die.
Listen, man, you live in fast and loose. I wouldn't think it's going to be an issue for you. Who I don't know. A lot of adult birds. And, uh, so so I mean, to the point when they put so. Almost like 26 of my teeth, I think of 32 teeth, 26 of my teeth are are crowned because I hit them off the boat with a baseball bat when I was 11, which added to all the problems.
And then when they crown them, they crown them at the size of my jaw. So it's like crescendoing bigger in the four the molars, they've and then what happened is sounds terrible.
It is so painful. And I'm ground by my wisdom, teeth down to nothing. Do your siblings have dental issues? Everyone. Everyone does. George and I have dental floss already. That's hereditary. Yeah. And so with Georgia and Eila, they just fixed their jaws. They didn't have to break them. They could put retainers in them and different things to shift around their jaws. It was like. And they're fine. They're fine. Yeah, they're totally fine.
And so I got this tooth he looked at and he was like, I don't know how I'm going to get teeth on there because there's so ground down from fucking a lifetime of use that there it is gum. It is another tooth and gum man. So wait, what's the solution?
He's like, I'm going to have to have a laser guy come in here and laser off a bunch of your gums so that we can get to tooth so I can put a crown on the tooth.
And immediately I just I went back to that first dentist. I was like, well, maybe I'll die. Hopefully I'll die. Yeah. And then I want to deal with this because I definitely want to do this.
So then when I started doing was I put it off, it was like. One major thing to deal with it, like I got it, I got a Cranmore, I got the root canal and they filled it and I was like, perfect, I'm done. And they were like, listen, that's a temporary root canal. Go and get a crown on that immediately. You need it. You need to get a crown on that. That happened in March.
I went back in October and was like called him and I was like, hey, I never got a crown on that. Oh my God, I didn't even go back to the second root canal visit. He did a temporary work. And I was like, you need to come back. We need to bring Aliceville with medicine. We got to pack it and fill it. And I was like, yeah, sure, you just go back. Four months later, I was like, yo, I haven't come back.
And he was like, what the fuck? And he was like I said, like in a week.
And I was like, Yeah, I kind of put it off. I've been on tour and he's like, it's a pandemic. And I go, I know people like what what made you want to get back on stage?
So I was like, no, no, go back to the dentist G. So I went back and he was like, all right, this is amazing. I can't believe that this isn't fucking completely fucked up. Yeah. He's like, there's no problem whatsoever. I'll just fill it.
But he said, listen to me, you need to go. Immediately and get this fucking filled and get a crown on it, and I was like, Sure, sure, sure. Another two months go by and I was like, I'm not going to deal with it. And then when we went to do this is when it started with me the day we were doing the Warren Sapp thing a bit into a candy bar out here. And I cracked the filling and I was like, motherfucker, the day we were doing Warren Sapp, like Super Bowl, Super Bowl Sunday, like, yeah, right around.
Then I cracked the filling. What do you what do you crack it on? It was that was the day.
It was the day Warren showed up, came in and we shot promo on a cane bar. I cracked the filling and then eight fucking in and out with a cracked filling and didn't even realize it. Yeah. In the middle of a damn going, I still taste in and out.
You're hurting me right now, man. So bad. So I called the dentist and he goes, come on over. I'll fill it up again. Fills it up again. I crack that feeling right with what we just fucking another candy bar. I just can't stop eating candy bars, peanuts, just anything. So then he goes, he goes, listen, you need to get a temporary crawl on this. You stop eating, you're fucking killing yourself.
You need to get a temporary proudness so I can stop eating candy.
So he goes I go get a temporary crown. And he was like, he's like is like awesome. He's like, listen, be very careful with this. I was like a done deal.
I fucking open a bottle of wine one night and Liam has some for the first time. So now I have had half a bottle of wine. I'm like, OK, you can either open another bottle of wine or eat a butterfingers. So I'm like, I'm need butterfingers. So eat a butterfingers.
And all of a sudden I go to get butterfingers. It's all in your teeth. They actually go like this and it just pops off like a motherfucker.
It's like call him like, yeah, I know you said did not eat. So he's like, hey, he's like, come back and I'll put it on. So I go get it put on yesterday. Yesterday I go to the dentist and he puts on the background back on and he goes, Hey, we've said take it easy on this tooth. You just chew on one side of your face like don't go over here.
Yeah. And I go, I go, hey, listen, I got you. And then his, his other lady goes, assistant goes, just stick to the wine.
Don't eat the butterfingers. No one's a good call. Yeah. So last night I do a podcast with Tom Papà. We have a bottle of wine. I get done. I haven't eaten because I had a butterfingers the night before. I had no tooth on it so I haven't eaten yet. So there's like some toffee and next thing you know, fucking tooth comes off again. I call them this morning and he's like, I'm not putting it back on.
He's like, this is ridiculous, man. He's like, you're in here every other day for this tooth. You stop. If you maybe if you don't, maybe if you don't have a tooth on it, you won't fucking eat shit that pulls it off.
Yeah. So it sounds like such a fucking nightmare.
What are you eating. Oatmeal on the right side. Yeah. I can see you lose the weight already. It's fucking insane. I can't help it.
I just like I know who thinks about when you have teeth on who thinks about slowing down.
I love that it's candy to my boys, Candy. What do you speak, pig hearts for Valentine's Day that are like this big fuck up in your life? Why can't I lose weight to stop eating? Oh, fuck. I quit drinking and I just murdered candy. Oh, no, wait.
You didn't quit drinking. You drank a bottle of wine. Glass half a bottle. Jesus teetotallers. Jesus Christ, man.
So wait. So what's right now? What's the what's the resolution like? What's the final stop here or what are you going to do?
Like don't you. Isn't there like a day where he's like, hey, I'm going to fix it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So Tuesday I'm getting a gold crown on it. Why gold. Because gold's thinner than ceramic. Ceramics are thicker and a ceramic won't fit my mouth because it needs to be super thin, like super small to fit in the back. Really fucking sucks. It really sucks.
And it's changed the way my bite is like my jaw because the tooth you put in was extra big. And so it's like I have one tooth touching I got. Huh. And so part of me was like almost like eating on that side to push it down. Yeah. And it's been such a fucking and it just bums me out like that. Bums me out to hear about. I'm sorry man. It was but thank God I'm like I, I really honestly this, I've talked about this before but I look at you and push as people that have a problem and just take care of it and just go like, oh, you have a problem with my teeth, I'm going to the dentist tomorrow and I just don't go.
Oh, I mean tooth we all we are we all are prone sometimes to do that. It's about it's just about delaying dealing with something, you know.
Yeah. That's my whole life. Yeah. Yeah.
But. But everybody knows doing that, you know. It sucks. What else do you put off that you should be dealing with everything? Weight loss, weighing myself backwards? Yeah. Wait, when do you look at it then to find out, like, what do I want?
I'm skinny. I'll take a look at it. Go. Wow. I was 240 that day. Yeah. You do, you're not carrying it poorly, you know what it is, I'm running better than I've ever run. I'm running hard as fast like I this morning I got up.
That's what's crazy is like I'm not like I'm living. I'm fully living. Like I'm not holding back on anything right now. Wake up at six thirty in the morning, get on the news, go in, make coffee for Cromwellian. You know, butterballs, take her Invisalign. Put it on my deck a little bit when she's not looking. Yeah. Just think maybe a little Benedikte and she'll come home like I don't want to suck Dick all day.
Yeah. And so, um. It's a little original thought, nice and flirtatious lesson for the fellows out there. Yeah, get on the treadmill. And I pounded it today. I mean, I was in I was on holiday so strong that it's because I'm working out. Yeah. Is that I'm running so strong. I really think what's going to happen is I'm going to hit a window and all of a sudden I'm just going to shoot it off me.
Yeah, that sounds like a guy that is kind of delusional, you know. Thank you. I wonder how many people.
I wonder how many people. Is there a website where you can Gambetta that people that you'll lose weight, they put money on it? Oh, that's what you need, huh? A challenge like that motivation. Somebody telling you you can't fucking do it. And that's what I remember.
I take that back. I remember. I don't know if I'm allowed to say this. Remember when Reagan offered me money to lose weight?
What was that? What was the what was it like to get down to like two or five to get to 205?
And stay there for a year. He what did he offer you, 100 hundred grand? And I said, pass, we got something here. Yeah, I was walking out because I was like I was like, I don't know, I'd I'd have to get to 185 to make it fun for me because then you've got to have nights where you get fucked up pizza. Right. And then I don't want to be one 85 because my head's just look huge on my it look.
So gusting at 185 when I say sick, I don't mean cool sick. I mean terminal like 180.
Eighty would not. Yeah. I bet I wake up tomorrow probably to 35. You'll just wake up like that.
Yeah. Well I ran five and 1/2 miles this morning. Just had overcast fucking so fast. 56 minutes but OK that's fast for me. So I walk the first one. How long. How far. Five enough miles. Five and a half miles. So ten minutes miles. As I go I average under a ten minute mile like an eight minute mile. When I'm running hard, doing hard I go, I'm telling you I love doing this.
There's this guy on active if you're looking for a weight loss or maybe shouldn't be the guy talking about weight loss.
But if you're looking for like a fun app to get on the treadmill, too, it's adaptive to as a positive. I use a I don't think AP Otways is alive. I think. Yeah. Is that it active. Good, Akeem Akim is my guy. That's your guy. Oh, what do you think? It's a subscription. What does it get? What do you get for the subscription?
I'll tell you. The new you in 30 days, audio and video. OK, it to 40, you fucking kidding me? So. I was thinking to 37, well, I was definitely thinking to 37, I don't be crazy, though.
I mean, I think congratulations on your daily streak if you go out of town and completed one hundred treadmill workouts this year, too.
What if you go out of town? Like coming up, you leave town for a while and you come back and I'm. Two or five. Will that motivate, you know, I made me really sad. Why, I'll be like because then I'm definitely the fat friend.
Like I was always the the what people what maybe people that are new fans don't understand.
Yeah. Is the absolute irony of our fat shaming.
Oh. Like, they don't understand the absolute irony. And it's.
It's it's an interesting little Easter egg if you're a podcast fan in your mom's house fan, because a lot of people didn't even realize it at the time. Tom, sort of fat shaming me.
He was overweight and starting to lose weight. What was a fad, as you ever were to seventy five to sixty eight to sixty eight. Yeah, that's all I ever saw on a scale too. Been there by the way. Oh yeah. Recently I thought, well I don't actually tell you exactly what I was, I had my fucking weight loss. One of my friends from high school just told me he was three fifteen and I was like holy shit.
Hey did you did that fucking shit?
It makes me sad what my stupid fat body, so let's see, here we go. The no, the heaviest I was the heaviest I've been ever was the day you hurt yourself. Really? Yeah. That's the heaviest you've ever been. Yeah, 257. Well, November 30th. Wow, to 57 and so I'm 17 pounds down.
That was 257 is when I shot stone cold Steve Austin and there is a video of me and I look so bloated like my face is just a circle. Well, how did you get like when you look back when I played you in tennis 257. Yeah. You look like shit that I looked and you thought my horrific, terrible weight was that.
Oh yeah, that's right. Because you like I did Steve Austin the day before. Yeah. But that wasn't November. I was I was still that's that's part of my fantasy I've ever been. But what got you like when you felt you falling was. No, no, no. What got you to 257.
Were you touring, touring, touring and drinking. Yeah. Booze, booze is the for me it just slows down my metabolism to the point and then it's like an extra thousand calories at the end of the night where you just like getting in and it's like crossing, processing all night. So like I was doing, I was just doing things totally wrong. And you were so funny so many times. Joe told me I was and I just kind of was like, yes, I don't know anything about intermittent fasting.
He told you he was like, if you he told me he goes, you're not intermittent fasting if you're drinking because, yeah, the intermittent fasting is where your body is not processing alcohol all evening. Right. Right. It's you know, you can have water.
I was like, I don't know, Joe. All right, I really wish I'd listen to people more because I think we all do about each other or just me know, we all wish you would listen to people more.
I don't listen to fuckin anybody we know.
I wonder if that's a problem. I like that you're tilting your head because I don't want to get over there, but I can't bite on that tooth is just a little peg.
Are you tracking for your 2000 miles or are you on point for that? No shit. 12 miles behind. That's not bad.
Well, my track, but yeah, I'm that's what sucks is like I'm feel healthy as shit. Like I'm running hard and fast today. I was today I ran a mile.
Do you think this is all the related to. I mean like any of the struggle of the weight itself is just related to diet and it's all hundreds and hundreds of diet.
And like like if you're doing all the active activities you're doing and just eat clean, you're fine. Trifecta Meals is sending me meals. Yeah. And so I'm eating trifectas and I'm pissing and moaning.
I'm like, how come I'm not losing weight? I'm tracking my calories. And then goes, are you counting the candy bars and the wine? And I go, well no. I mean calories are like what you eat.
I was like I just in my head.
I can't imagine that wine puts on weight. Meaning like you go, I understand it's calories, but like I go the food that goes in my body. Right, right.
Right. Yeah. You go with that with Butterfinger. Butterfinger. That's that's number one. Come on, go ahead with the fucking world, whatever, over time machine. What about the bar? King-Size there you see the bar King-Size?
Yeah. Where's the fun, though? No, no, no. Yeah, down, down, down, down that. There you go. There you go. Wow.
That's 500 calories, one trifecta meal, and then that's a little bonus after the trifecta meal right there. Oh my God, that's one whole trifecta meal is one Butterfinger candy butterfingers.
You eat with teeth. Yeah. When you're when you have teeth. I'm falling apart, man.
You're doing fine. I feel like I'm the happiest I've ever been. You're doing fine, ma'am. No teeth and you're gaining weight. What was I what was I going to. I was going to play an. Let's do this let's let's see let's see just how my. Here we go. All right, my body fat percentage, thirty five, yeah, that's been lower muscle mass. Oh my most messes up tell me. Oh wow. My muscle mass is it?
Normally, that's not a huge jump. That's right. Sixty one percent. OK, bone mass has been pretty consistent. I guess I'm not get new bones.
Water, oh, that's the other thing, I'm drinking a lot of fucking water, a couple of Diet Cokes since I've been putting down some DS, how much water are you drinking?
A gallon. That's great. Yeah, I go through a box of liquid death a day.
Jesus is so cool to it's no Kool-Aid, just like with death. I just a good death and it's the way I drink it that just Coca-Cola. You drink it like an absolute and they've been cool shit.
They're sending me, they're sending me enough for me to drink a gallon of water a day. No shit. Yeah.
And I put Liana's Libbard because there are stacks of liquid death in our living room. Yeah of course. Just grab a box, take off the main cable box, go with a box liquid, just open it up and stuff is good. I love it. And I put the the seltzer ones in the fridge. I fucking love it. Here's what I'm thinking. I've been thinking about this a lot.
Oh my God.
Oh fucking my feet are killing me. My feet are killing me. My feet are killing me. You're not saying that about your feet, no show right there. Yes, I tried to watch the show and I almost fucking threw up. Do not go to Bradley Schaffer. I know I'm on a new thing where I want to talk positive about everyone, Dr. Brad. Yes, although here he was. No, not in here. Will you grab my sheik?
Thanks, Dr. Ebonie is is a gangster. OK, Dr. Brad, I'm just saying this is a fan of the show. Every surgery he does.
He's like, oh fuck, we're losing blood to the leg. Oh, God. Yeah, he does that every surgery. He does like me. I don't know if it's the people who are writing the show, but it seems every surgery he does, he's like, I know what I want to know.
I want to know, like how. Thanks very much. Thank you. I want to know how healthy.
But I want to know you just got McDonald's milkshake in the middle of the day. McDonald's is it called that McDonald's. What is it? This is a protein shake.
And so that's your meal for the day? No, it's just a meal right now. I had breakfast. This is my second thing. So you eating five meals a day, uh, for you? Well, for plus like I also have a protein bar later. Yeah. I'll try to hit like two hundred grams of protein a day. Yeah, me too. Maybe if you sell stuff online, you're definitely in the right business right now because more people are shopping online than ever, no matter how much you sell, ship station makes it super easy to manage and ship all your orders from all your sales channels faster, cheaper and more efficiently.
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Had the policy genius Dotcom to get started right now. Policy genius when it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it right anyway. How did how does the guy. Anybody actually is interested in the doctor, why they chose that particular field, like how did he choose this, why he was just brilliant and realize that fucking playing with people's feet is awesome?
I don't think so.
So I type in. I could do this.
There's a guy they bring on. I by the way, I've Googled this on my. You ready. I'm going to tell you what it's called. What is? My YouTube searches aren't coming, are they fucking resettlement? So this guy had excessive calluses on his feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, man, so this is going to be fun. No, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on. Hold on one second.
So hang on, hang on, hang on. OK, there we go. Diagnosed with a so these get this guy type in calluses. My feet are killing me. Calluses on feet, my feet are killing me or something. Yeah. This guy oh, fuck me, my dick got hard from this. OK, go to go to the I think it was Dr. Brad. Go to the YouTube page, go to the YouTube page of Dr. Brett.
No, that's not the same episode. That's the same episode, though. That guy that had the toes go to my doctor, Brad. Not that Dr. Ebonie. OK, this guy had excessive calluses on his feet. This got you excited, this guy is not this guy. This guy is a lot like a lobster. OK. OK, four hands. But it was this episode I got you. Can you find an episode? Break down and see if you can find it.
Nadaf This guy had excessive calluses on his feet.
OK, I was like, so what were you excited about?
I've so much information in my head. He had to shave off his calluses, off his feet, and it was aggressive. It's the same disease that the you remember the treatment? Yeah, his same disease. OK, and. Go, go back, go back. What about like they're the greater than eight? No, no. OK, um, calluses on your foot. My feet are killing.
It's Sebastian. It's Sebastian. His name's Sebastian. Sebastian. There you go. This Tom. OK, just fucking listen.
This guy's feet.
And it made me love this kid for being as vulnerable as he was to talk about his condition because his condition isn't. That's right, Dr. Ebonie did it. OK, I was so. You can bloop, bloop if you want. OK, OK, Sebastian. Oh, my God, I love it. Can I tell you one thing real quick? When I remember, I watched the tree, man, doc, don't move, don't move, don't move.
Keep that up. What they what they ended up discovering was that they could give him an injection of something because at first, you know, people would try shaving. I mean, they're like, if we give you this injection, whatever, I don't know the you know, the medical term, whatever, it's an autoimmune disease. Right. So they're like this whatever we is in this inject that I don't recall will actually, you know, counteract the growths and the stuff will fall off.
And ultimately, the guy was like, I don't want it.
He liked being because he can make money.
A big attraction, basically. Yeah. Like he like being the circus act. I have to be very clear, when I watch this, my heart breaks for Sebastian, meaning I can't imagine living with this disease. It would be it's got to be tough. And his girlfriend is a fucking dime because she fucking can live like she can see past it, you know. But it is it's just go back to the video.
I watch this and I it's not even I don't even know what it is. It's a it's a dopamine rush. When I watch this and they're shaving his feet, I'm like, I'm I don't know where my brain is, but it goes it's the same thing with Dr. Pymble Popper.
I'm just like obsessed with it. And then I start go back to that video, if you could, Nadaf. I Googled a epidermal micro blazin or whatever from a part of honey.
I Googled it and then I couldn't even find anything as good as what they put on. My feet are killing me on real dude. Where do you see what she cuts?
OK, go. Let's go. Oh, my God. Just go to the bloop, bloop, bloop, go to the get the scroll, scroll, scroll IIIA yeah, yeah, right there. His check is a fucking awesome check and they are this poor guy's got to fucking live with this. And by the way, she says it's it's like kind of life threatening. It's not like. Yeah, it's not like they're just a and he's got them on his hands.
Uh oh. They don't let me show that she cuts them all off. She cut them all off. And then says, you know, you need to apply this cream and then that'll help kind of slow it down. I watch this and I'm like, oh my God. Now, here's the interesting thing. So I'm on a huge dive of whatever that skin disease is. And then the other dude on the thing has lobster toes. Like, it's it's, uh.
He's got like this. Yeah, right. Those are his feet and his hands. So they go, I hope it's still up on my thing. I could not I can't watch this show. So they they say. Yeah, this guy, and so whatever it is, they put. They put his feet in these impression molds to make him shoes so that it's comfortable. Oh, that's cool. So then I think I can get those impression molds for me because I got.
Who doesn't want to feel better on their feet? Yeah. So a Google impression molds, right? I'm like a and then I'm like, oh yeah, I get them. But this is a little bit of pain in the ass. I'm like, they don't even make them. They're showing me the impression molds. But you kind of got to go to a podiatrist to get it done. And then and then fucking Instagram hits me up and they're like, were you looking for impression?
It's crazy. They're selling them the whole thing.
The way that works is not anything that I'm looking for. Google search once Instagram is just like, here's ten of those things.
Amazing that they can do that. Yeah, you can just be like, I wonder, you know, what trees grow in Hawaii, you search it or something. And then like Instagram is like you want some Hawaiian trees, like, do you want them? You want to go to Hawaii. They want here's a vacation. Can I can I tell you, you know, at some point artwork you've got to appreciate people are good at their job because we had these landscapers come to our backyard and and they they had trimmed trees.
But then they moved a bunch of wood that was there. And then they hit me up and I could just, you know, you have like five acacia sprouts and what looks like there's five acacia sprouts. And I was like, OK. And then acacia trees are really expensive. So we didn't fuck with them. We just thought you should know so you can kind of block them off. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, whatever. I don't know what acacia Google mature acacia tree.
It's got to be like fucking ten grand mature acacia tree, you know.
So I go to the backyard and they point them out. Tom, they look like weeds, they really look like weeds. Maybe they're not that expensive. That's them.
They're an acacia tree is like they're fucking awesome trees. OK. I thought so you have they all look different of 250 blocks that can be notary's two hundred fifty bucks, you can't buy a tree for fucking 280 bucks, you go.
There's a case of tree facts right there. Tell me about in case of tree. Acacia trees, they grow in Hawaii, Mexico and the United States. I like it was a case of tree types are fast growers and they only live about 20 to 30 years. Nice, nice. Interestingly, stinging ants and acacia trees have a mutually beneficial relationship.
Uh, it's interesting. We have an answer. I followed a track of ants from one tree to their home, and I fucking it was so much fun because I was like.
They're going up into this tree getting like, honey now, honey, but like sap, and they're walking all the way down the tree. Then they were going over a piece of wood and then I lost them in the in the like leaves and shit. And then you kind of like look and then you'd see stuff moving. And I tracked them. They were going across the yard into their ant house like their little thing.
And I so back I was like, so fascinated about that life. Like that an aunt would go, that one aunt found it and then was like, hey, you guys follow me. And then they got in line and they all went up and then they got it and then they brought it back. It was just seems so fucking amazing to me. Yeah, incredible. Like animals. Ants are really amazing. I'm so into history right now.
I can't wait till I get there. And a lot of people were thrilled with your history. Explanation's I know that they're like, man, I feel like this is a history podcast now. Well, it will be. Yeah. I think we need a secret handshake.
We do need a secret handshake. We've got to work on that. Did you watch the Petraeus documentary?
I did a Google secret handshakes. There's nothing with the Internet now, it's got to be secret handshakes. Not the best handshakes. Putt putt. You know, one of the things I think is the most impressive with that. There's a few football players and I don't know them by name that'll have a handshake for every player on the team. And remember, I know if you've ever seen it. I have.
I have you if you can Google that, like football player handshake, different with every player, with every player. And then the one guy remembers everyone's handshake and they're all different.
I mean, I've seen a few people like there's one.
Oh, go ahead. And I want to see it, dude. It's it's wild. Like everybody on the team has it's own. And he remembers everyone's. And this is like the like one of a few guys that I've seen do this. I don't know how. Look, so here we go. All right, let's see who the main he's going to he's going to have one for. OK, here we go. What's up, man? Well, there you go.
OK. Boom, boom, boom, boom. The two, two, two, one. All right. That's yours. That's that guy's. No way he's going to go up. How to know, yeah, he's got one for everyone on the team, their own, no fucking idea. It's all different. Everyone's different. That's the thing. He's not doing the same Hansch. That's the whole point.
Oh, that's a good one. That's a really good one. Something simple I like to salute in their. I like that one. That's a good one for us. What's up? Everyone has. OK, here's what I want to do. I want us to create a tuberose secret handshake so that if you're a fan of the show, you say a code word. We know the handshake starting and then we can do the secret handshake and that way and meet and greets.
You can do a bunch of secret handshakes. Here you go.
What, like what? I'm not done watching his secret handshakes. Those are awesome secret handshakes. A great man.
Who is this guy says it's Cortez Lewis. Yeah, Cortez Lewis.
That's a great one. Did you get that at the turn to go back. Go back. They fucking realized it's a fake. Look, look. It's like, oh, we're done. And then you turn around, you go, we're not done. We got more to it.
Yeah, I love it. I love it. OK, ours has to be OK. Come on man. That's like this is like his fifteenth guy.
It's like you got to get one of these are all so great. All the Dabb. I want Curtis Lewis, can we get Cortez's Lewis to create a handshake for us? That's what we need. We need to reach out to Cortez and be like, yo, give us a secret to handshake.
Is he on Twitter? Let's see, Cortez, Lewis, Cortez, Lewis, Wakeford, Forrest. He's got to be on. He's got to be on Twitter. He's got he's got 100 different handshakes right there. All right. Yes. He's an alum, so he's not even on. There you go. He graduated, um, he lives in Alabama following him.
Yeah. Let's message him real quick, message him on Twitter. OK, um.
Now, scroll down, was last time you posted this with the active scroll down a little more. Yeah, all right, he posted, yeah, he's been posting, he's yeah, and February 1st, he's a good man. He posted the wonderful. Oh, they're going to talk to type right now. I was going to. OK. Hey, Cortez, Lewis. Me and at Tom Ladybug Jones. Would love for you to create a secret handshake for us.
Considering you're the handshake king. So know, it's kind of weird. Yeah, it's definitely like you should really start with like, hey, here's who I am. I'm a comic, I do a podcast. We want a handshake. OK, hold on.
Hey, Cortez, Lewis, me and tons of girl. Love you, love you, love you. Fuck. Right now, I have hey, could you just lose me and Thomas are going to love you, love your country and please don't send that. OK, what do we message them about this about this I. Isn't that a good idea, Headquarters Lewis, Tom Ziga and I are dreaming about having a handshake with you.
I want to shake your hand. I just want to never mind. We'll do it later. Let's definitely do it later. Please don't send that.
He might be the king of handshakes. Yeah. So then what makes up a good handshake. Good handshake to start with a slap.
Yeah. Come back everyone. Because this is like the start of anyone. Yeah. Then come back and then. Then it's about rhythm and movements and then.
And then I really love the, the turn, the turn was oh shit we're not done. Yeah. Is great. They have a lot of solutes in there so I don't need a salute. But there's also some full body things going on.
I think we should have a higher uh bears.
Oh no that's it is. OK, it's our handshake. Is this our handshake. OK, it starts with this. All right. Pull up. OK, parts of this then this. Then we have to do something. We have to do something. Hit, hit, hit. Oh, I got cable.
I mean but then but then we do a little hit it hit a little up the arm down the arm type thing. OK, and then we should pay respect to your, to your broken hand with the other hand goes never mind, OK. And then we turn around and we go no higher than people.
Let's have the end read structured. But I liked how it started.
Like we need guidance so we need Cortez on a face time, like we zoom with him and we work it out with him. Let's see if Cortez follows anyone I follow.
OK, let's go to cancel that.
Definitely delete followed by blue bam. Oh, you just fucking followed him.
I was like fucking the WS. This guy, he doesn't follow anyone I follow, OK? And there's no one following him that I follow.
Yeah, that makes sense.
This is all adding up dammit. All right. Well we'll try, we'll try to get in touch with Cortez if we have to be our secret handshake. It's happening. We're going to by the way, if you guys if you guys have if you have things that you think should be in our secret handshake, hit us up it.
Oh, I wonder what's going to come of this hour.
Wait, tell me about the Petraeus thing. I haven't watched it. It's fucking awesome. It's a who produced it. Is it all things kind of things. Comedy. I made it.
They made it. It is so good. It is. You know what it shows, and I talked to Tom Papa about this a little bit of it. Were they friends? Yeah, I mean, were everyone that was New York? Yeah, he was probably Tom knew him like I knew him. Really well, except except friends is a weird word with Patrice, because you actually said that to me one time, we're not friends, we just work together and you're like, Oh yeah.
And then I ended up going to a show and bringing a bunch of people to show here in Brayer when he was recording for Showtime and then hanging out with him after the show with everyone. And he came up to me and was like, it sounds cheesy to say like I guess we are friends. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Because we were in Scotland and I said so I was like very casually was like, I'm so glad we became friends.
And he's like, we're not friends.
And I was like, OK. He was like, no, I'm not your friend. Like, I don't goes, don't get your feelings hurt. I'm just not your friend. Right? It's like, what do you mean. He was like, if I land in L.A. he was if I was in Tampa, could I spend the night at your parents house. And I was like, no. I was like, yeah, that's what a friend would do, right?
And I was like, well, I think my parents would just be like, who the fuck is this? Yeah. And he's like, Yeah, I'm not your friend. He's like, you're going to pick me up at the airport when I when I fly in L.A.. And I was like, I mean, I guess I would like to know, like I was like, I guess I could but probably not. Was like, we're not friends.
He's there were two people who work together who like each other. We don't we're not friends. And I was like, go. He goes, you white people throw around friend too easily. You've got to be to be a friend.
I you will stay at your house like I got friends I like that is like here's my list of demands friendship.
And so I was like OK. And, and I left it at that and then I moved, moved to L.A. and then he came out to do the Showtime show and it was him and Gary Coleman who I was. I was friends with Gary. I still am. And I knew Patrice, but I liked Patrice a lot and I did consider him a friend. And so I brought a bunch of people out to go see them perform live and then went up to Patrice afterwards.
And he's like, What are you doing here? So we came to watch you and I was on a TV show at the time. He's like, you like took time out to come watch me. And I was like, yeah, he was like, why I go? Because you're great and I think you're hilarious. And he was like. It was a hard time wrapping his head around it and then he. That night, we went back to his hotel and we're all hanging out, and he was just he was like staring at me sideways and then at the end of the night, he's like, OK, I guess we are friends.
And I was like, and then see if you can find Patrice O'Neal. Big Momma prods Twit is his Twitter. He tweeted me one morning.
And it was like the fucking greatest type in big moment prods at Krischer Twitter. And I was in San Antonio, Texas. And my my. My cameraman, Scott. Oh, Jennifer Aniston, keep going, it's not going to be a video, it's going to be on Twitter. I think you should do the at a big mama instead. Yeah. Is that the way he spells it? Yeah, I think so, yeah, pretty sure he tweeted me and he was like, it's good to see Birte succeeding and it was really nice.
Is a funny guy like that who put his. His, you know, part of the business and you see him succeeding. And my cameraman came in and was like, Patrice tweeted you Jesus wasn't the kind of guy that was, like, ever paid a compliment. When was that?
Because when did he pass? Before he died, I think. How long ago did he die? I don't remember. I mean, I remember, but I don't remember the year or anything.
Think like eight years ago. Eight years ago. Wow. Wow. 2011 men. Yeah, it's funny, I didn't go to his funeral because. Because I was his friend and I figured I know for a fact that if he woke up in the middle of that coffin and sat up and he looked around the room like, Burt, you flew here from L.A., I wouldn't fly to your fucking funeral. And so I was like, you pay respect to someone the way we pay respect.
I was like, you wouldn't. He definitely would go to my funeral. Yeah. And I know that I'm not going to go to his funeral, be like the one guy who everyone's like, so wait, you guys are really close. I understand Norton and all those guys that being there. But like there are certain comics where if you show up to a funeral, you're like, are you here to be seen, to be seen and meet Chris Rock?
Are you here to pay respect? And I was like, I pay respect by not going to the funeral, but documenters. Great. Patrice talks about cancer culture before it ever happens. It's really fucking brilliant. It really is brilliant because he says and I've I've actually said this before, sometimes with cancer culture, it's not so much what you did. It's what you did versus who you represent yourself to be. And that is where it gets slippery.
If you what happened with Tiger and I don't I never mean to pile on, but he was he represented himself to be this American hero. And when you found out he was flawed and then he fucked Perkin's waitresses and and had a list of chicks and all of a sudden this perfect marriage that he had wasn't what he was presenting himself. And that's when people start canceling because they're like you, you lied to us. And I don't mean to pile on.
Tiger is going through a lot. But, yeah, that's you know, that's what happened with, once again, I don't know, problem. But what disease was was this what Bay? That's what he presented himself as. Is a male feminist. Yes. What you call himself. Well, OK, I'm a quote bay. And it was like it's like I'm Obopay. I'm I'm your boyfriend, but I'm woak we'll go to a march and we'll protest for your rights.
And I'm here for you. And then what did you find out? He's just a regular dude. Yeah, he's not. I mean, I don't think he did anything wrong. He just is a regular dude. A lot of guys do that. Don't recuse a lot of them, but it definitely not feminist. Yeah. Male feminist recuse. And so when you present yourself as one thing and Patrice said and this is fucking nine years, ten years before cancer culture, Patrice said.
They said, why, why did you piss off your your VH one show? And he goes, Because I didn't I don't want those fans in there. Like we mean he's like, I don't want 17 year old white girls coming to my shows going like, oh, it's him. And then I say what I say on stage. And they're like, why would he say that? Why would he feel that? He's like, here's the problem. Paul Reubens, Peewee Herman was a jack off in a movie theater type of guy who presented himself as a morning show kid guy.
Yeah, and when you found out he was a jerk off in the movie theater guy, you're like, fuck him, right? Patrice's is like I'm a jagoff in a movie theater kind of guy. Yeah. And I want Jagoff in a movie theater motherfuckers to ride with me until the day I die.
Yeah. And you're interesting. It's really. And he says that in the dock. In the dock.
This is so before council culture. But he's it's him talking about basically.
You've got to be who you are. I try that, I try to do that so hard and that's why I don't talk a lot about like I try not to. I try not to. I've done it. I've you know, I've spoken out of pocket a lot. Or should I regret a lot like comics? You mean like every week I'm like fucking so much. I really honestly think I talk too much or as it is. If I think I talk too much, I can't imagine what you think, but I'm talking out of pocket about friends of ours.
Yeah, about about so much shit. I don't know what I was talking about, you were talking about Patrice and the castle culture and the and and presenting yourself one way, but something else I try to be as honest as who I am is who I am.
Like, I don't want to ever mislead someone into who I am.
I can't imagine I don't I mean, I can't imagine I don't know what's great about this is that it doesn't mislead you about who he was. It's like so many documentaries, especially about a guy like Petraeus who, quite honestly. If you knew him, you definitely had some moments where you actually hated him. Yeah, like he was not. He was. There were times where we were like, well, he's actually brutally mean. Like, he's I think he's enjoying hurting my feelings.
That's who he was. And they talk they show some of the times he would get on stage and he just like it was funny because you hear it now and you're just like, goddamn, he's like, I dislike women. I think you're lower than us. Like I'm a man and we're just better. And there's no punch line. Right. And but it shows those times where he was doing this almost like self-destructive, trying to figure out the bit.
But the bit was so cruel. And I talked to Tom Pop about it and I said the beauty of Petrie's, which is shown, I think shown in this documentary is sensitivity. When he was really brilliant, is when he was sensitive or showing you a side of him where it was like his vulnerability. And I just think it was so well done that I remember because I never knew him or anything.
But I remember that special being like really blown away elephant in the room.
It's really good. There are so many amazing bits on Elephant in the room.
I mean, I still remember when he said because that was when these these two black guys, I think they're black eyes, um, went out and they were lost at sea. Yeah. And he has a bit in there, the NFL players. Yeah. He has a bit about how like when when like a white woman is, you know, missing after she's been jogging for like 20 minutes. And there's like search parties, FBI, the community comes together, posters up.
And then I guys went missing on the boat.
They just stare at the shoreline and they're like, oh, no, man. Yeah, look around. Like, I don't see them.
The best bit the best bit of that from that chunk is like, hey, he's like he but he does his. The thing was beautiful about Petrie's is like I think he does his foot to the water where he goes up to the water. But he was so good at the little thing. Little things. Yeah. Yeah. He was so good at it letting you.
Tell the punch line to yourself. Yeah, it was it's so brilliant, is he that's always better, even better showing in that talent, you know, I mean, like like if you can get the audience, start laughing at it before you're like, this is the joke.
He said he goes, Joran Van Der Sloot. He kills women, he kills he's a he's a serial killer.
He killed the one girl in in Bermuda. What's her name. They go Natalee Holloway and he goes and then they killed the other girl in Brazil. What's her name. And they don't know.
And he goes, exactly. Yes, she's not white. So you don't care how she was killed a week ago.
Yeah. And you're like, what's her name, your niece or something. Yeah. He's just he's it was so good at that.
And then and then like, like he was like a they had a gun to my mom's head and they were like spel restaurant.
He'd be like, oh restaurant, stop stalling. He's like Arias. He's, he's fuckin he was brilliant man. And he was brilliant to sit and talk to, like the way his.
That's the thing I'm kind of jealous of when I hear all the stories about sitting around shooting the shit with him. He had a he had a fix for the way I was doing comedy because I was I was trying to tell these stories, but I was I would just jump into it. And I had the story about the joke. I was like my best first best good joke I had was, you know, cops hate when you touch their faces is what you got to do.
It is what it whatever it happened on a plane where a stewardess was cutting me off and I didn't want her to and I just put my finger on her lips went.
And peruses like, what the fuck did you just do? And then we started talking about it in Scotland, he was like, because I tried it on stage, I was like, you know what stewardesses hate when you touch their faces? And everyone was like, there's no. And then the next morning over breakfast. And he's like, it's got to be a cop. I said, What?
And then he went into this. Like this, I know this sounds crazy to say, but he really was like a little bit of a philosopher because you would give him a premise like that and he would then break it down for you. And he goes, when you touch a man's face, you steal their power. They're powerless when you touch another man's face, not with a woman. When you touch a woman's face, you're suggesting something you're telling or something.
But we touch a man's face. You've turned out turn him into a woman. He's now the woman and you're the man who's touched his face. So it needs to be a man. It should be a cop or really.
And he goes, yeah, imagine if you got pulled over and I was going to touch a cop's face. They would like that. And he goes, Yeah, that's the joke. Don't cops hate when you touch your faces? And I was like, Yeah, actually, I'm the one that wrote it that way because of I just figured, how would David tell tell it? Hmm. You know what cops say when you talk to their face is like and so I did it on stage that night in Scotland and it murdered and and I was bombing really bad.
And he was like, now tell your story. Now tell the story about how it happened. Yeah.
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And then and he was great, but man, he could be brutal. I was dating a girl with cerebral palsy at the time. What? And he when at the time. It's hard to explain. Hard to explain.
How is this never come up. I've told I'm sure I've told you. I'm sure I've told you.
OK, I met a girl on a plane. We were drinking, eating Xanax. She's adorable. Fucking really pretty. We get wasted, we leave the plane.
You're like, wow, she's really fucked up. And I was like, I was fucking around. Well, it gets worse. Yeah. I was like, hey, we should go out. I've never done this on a plane. And she was like, OK. I was like, do you want to do it? She goes, Why don't you get some friends, gather some friends together tomorrow night, let's go out in Soho. I was like, deal.
And so I tell my friends, we need to go out and see my friends and I go out. We got this girl in Stockholm, we get fucking blasted and we're stumbling around those cobblestone streets and we wake up the next morning, my body, which was like, I think something's wrong with your girl. And I was like I thought he was saying she was a dude. And I was like, no. I was like, no, I'm just saying you should go out with her in the light when you're not blackout drunk.
Because I think there's I think there's something going on. Yeah, I was like. I think you're jealous. He was like, what? I was like. She's beautiful. She'll make sure Sarah Michelle Gellar. She's gorgeous. Yeah. So I called her up and say, you want to go to lunch or brunch? She was like, yeah. And I went up to her. She lived up the Upper West Side and I wanted to take her on to her place.
And the first thing I noticed, she was wearing sneakers like like it was like not like sexy sneakers, like like orthopedic sneakers. Right. And I was like, those are odd choice of shoes. Yeah. With a sundress still sexy. Yeah. And then as I walk with her into her house, I noticed she was limping. I was like, oh yeah. Well everyone works out too hard. And then we go to lunch and she's just eating with one hand and I went back.
Something's going on. I said, hey, why are you using one excuse after several polls? I think it's cerebral palsy. And I was like, oh, OK. And then that's when you make it. By the way, she is still beautiful in schools.
And she passes hearts back and she goes, and I was like, why would I still like her. Yeah. Like I don't give a fuck. Yeah. And so we started hanging out and we had fun and she was quiet and then you were crazy.
But she and then I said you should come to Scotland. And she was like, all right. And she showed up to Scotland. What. Yeah. She came to Scotland and been fucking. You want to talk about a woman that hated Patrice O'Neal?
Oh, God. I don't even know what I feel like. I know where this is going.
Knocks on the door I don't even know. I didn't know she arrived. I thought she was going to call me and let me know. She flew in. I'd meet her at the airport. She didn't knock on the door. I mean, breakfast. And I hear Beatrice go, bitch, give me your other hand.
And I'm like, oh, fuck.
And he goes, No, what are you, the queen? I'm not going to kiss your hand. Shake my hand. He goes, What's wrong with your other arm?
What's it like at the door? At the door? What's wrong with your other arm? What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? And I mean, immediately, immediately.
And and I was like, God damn it, he picked up on it fast. Yeah. Like like immediately because he went out to shake his hand and gave her her left hand because it works better. And he was like, what am I going to kiss your fingers, give me your hand, shake my hand. And she was like, what's wrong with like just really not being an asshole?
But then they did not get along. She was a vegetarian and he would eat blood sausage with his fingers in front of her to piss her off.
Yeah. And. And then, man, it it went Super. S super cell. I can see that, and then he goes again, the thinking goes. How the fuck did you not know she had cerebral palsy? I told him, I said we were partyin and he started crying, laughing because you're so much of an alcoholic that you couldn't tell someone was physically disabled. And I was like, I mean, we're all stumbling.
And he doesn't know. And throughout the whole night, you go, you didn't see that like you didn't see.
What's even funny about this whole story is so cutaş, are you still friends with her? No, I would talk to her. She. Here's what's interesting, we have like a hook up that kind of weird, her ex-boyfriend called and I was like and she was fighting with him and I was like, I don't want to be a part of that. You hooked up with her? Yeah. Yeah. Not didn't have sex with her. OK, but we hooked up where I was at her place and our boy.
Doesn't that mean you had sex now. Because I left because the ex-boyfriend called.
But doesn't the hookup imply sex. No. No. OK. And so. All right.
So and so I left. So what did you guys do?
Like you just changed or beat Maddie. Oh, wow. And so and so, by the way, I bet that palsy helped then, didn't it? I don't know.
I was thinking that it's like this is the sound I usually make when I eat what I have so many inappropriate jokes that I will not say.
So then now you're bite your tongue. So I go.
The interesting part, you're on one today, two Diet Cokes, a Pepsi, bro.
So the best part of the story is and this is what I, I, I she was a big Guns Roses fan, right. So I ended up interviewing Slash. I know I'm interviewing Slash. This is back then. This is back then. This is like six months after we last talked up. Maybe, maybe, maybe less, maybe actually less. Maybe like three months after we last talked up. I still remember in the phone then and I call, I call her and I said, hey, I know we haven't talked in a while.
I hope everything's cool. She's like, yeah, I'm sorry. Things got weird. Her boyfriend had called and they were they were still in love with each other, whatever. And I was like, listen, and he was in prison on the second. Yeah. That's why I left. And so I was like, I'm not going to be part of this. I go, listen, hey, I'm interviewing Sise tomorrow and I know you're big Underoath fan.
I'd love to have you come down to the set, meet, slash, hang out. We're going to you know, I don't know if I can get you but you can hang out in the audience and if I can I'll introduce you. And she was like oh my God, that would be fucking amazing. She was the biggest concerns, man. So I bring her to the set and and slash shows up and slashes like knocked on my green room door open.
And he's like, I heard you have booze in here. And I'm like, it's right. It's fucking 7:00 in the morning. Yeah. And it's slash fucking hair in his face. So you have booze in here? I was like, I do. And he was like, I got kicked out last night. You got something to drink. And I was like for both of us. So he sits down in my greenroom and we just start drinking.
It's like 7:00 in the morning. He's like an old lady. Kind of kicked me out last night. I got to go find a Europe and a man. It's just it's rough, you know? And I was like, yeah, I know. And me and him are drinking at 7:00 in the morning. And then all of a sudden he's like, you're interviewing me today. And I was not supposed to I was just gonna be on the couch.
And I was like, I am. And he was like, cool man.
And we just end up shooting shit. Yeah. So, um, the whole time I'm like, he's my chick here. Yet the chick was like because I wanted to meet Slash. So they go out there like you're interviewing Slash.
I take Slash out and I we do the interview and it's fucking awesome. They say the one thing they say is do not ask about Guns and Roses. But me and I had been drinking all morning and I'm like, tell me what happened to Guns and Roses?
And he tells us he tells us on the show no one watched the show. So it doesn't matter. But he tells us, you know, we all became millionaires on the road and we'd never been millionaires in L.A. And then we get back to L.A. and the first thing they're like say to us is buy a house. And all of a sudden you got to think, where would I want to live? I can live anywhere where I live. And he goes, You could tell we were separating on where we wanted to live because I wanted to live in Hollywood.
I actually wanted to live in Malibu. And you're like Malibu. What rock stars live in that like.
Yeah. And so it's a great interview. So I see the check and I'm like, yo. Get done the interview, I go, hey, you want to go back? He goes, my place, not leaving until like two. Do you mind if we go back to your green room and drink? And I was like, fuck, yeah. I go, Hey. This chick I used to hook up with is here, and she's a big fan.
Do you see it? Cool. If I bring her back and she drink with us and he's like, yeah, of course. So I go, hey, what's become a green room drink? And she's like, Are you being serious? I was like, fuck, yeah. So I bring her back, sit down. I'm like, this is I can't remember her name. He's like, Oh, nice to meet you. We start drinking and we're having a blast.
We're having a blast. But I'm sitting and I'm like, it is so clear just how repulsive.
I can't believe I never fucking noticed this. She says, can I go to the bathroom? And I said, yes, out the door, over the right. And she goes up to the door and I actually see her reach across her body to open the door instead of using the hand that would be right there. And I'm like, I'm if I really have a drinking problem, if I couldn't have seen that and grabs my leg and I'm like, I know.
And he looks at me, goes, she is perfect. And I'm like, I didn't notice either. And all I heard was Patrice O'Neal in my ear going, You're as big of an alcoholic as Slash.
Did they hook up? No, he got on a plane, went to Europe. I hung out with her for the day. I think I don't think we hooked up or anything, but she was cool as fuck. I hope if she ever hears that she's not horrifically offended.
But she's got to be like fucking a grown up now with kids and stuff, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. She pretty, pretty fucking hard. I remember her being like, all right, maybe I shouldn't tell you everything she said to me. Maybe I should find myself a little bit what she tell you.
I remember just when we were talking about partying with drugs and her experience was like leaps and bounds way different than mine.
I was like, I've never chased the dragon. What the fuck are you talking? Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. She had really partied she party.
Yeah, she was cool. Oh, she hears this. I hope you know, I think of you fondly.
There you go. Um.
Oh well I'll tell you a really hilarious story about at the when we're done this about her and Patrice and me. OK, OK.
Here's what I've watched lately. Just so you know, I saw I care a lot with, uh, on Netflix. It's a feature really good. Uh, Roset Rosamund Pike. Is that her name. And, um, what's his name. I care a lot. Yeah, that's her. That's Rosamund Pike.
What is she. She is beautiful. She is. She's really good.
And it's a good it's a good movie man. What's it about. She is a um.
She's a con artist who, if you saw her hurt, her scam is that she gets she's in cahoots with a physician and when she finds a wealthy, older person, she has the physician write a letter that she needs to be the caretaker. And then she she drains the old person of their funds and puts them in a home.
And like, it's really. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty good.
I'm I have beef with the third act. I don't like the way it ends, really. I find it unsatisfying, but it's still a good movie.
So is it better or worse than Arthur Act and Fat Astronauts? Well, we're going to have that conversation very soon, but I think it's getting there. It's getting there. Yeah, we're working on it. We're actually working on it. The third act as an issue right now, a little bit.
But we'll get there first and second at our looking sweet.
I think if you made a movie like the way we sof pitched it. Hmm.
I really think it would be so offensive that people would be like, I have to watch it. Yeah.
But I mean, it's going to be there. Don't worry. We're getting there. OK, we're getting there. All right. I also watch promising young woman you've seen that no one who what are you what are you taking estrogen.
No. Why are you watching these chicks. They're just good movies. It's a thriller. It's not a promising young woman. Yes. Hit me the trailer. Can we watch the trailer? I can.
Dope man is that possible? Turn it off. You can't watch trailers? No, it's going to get flagged. This one's great. You'd think that Netflix is on Netflix now was on.
I just watched it on. I oh, probably a young woman. Oh. She goes around and kills.
It's pretty great. Oh I've seen the trailer too. This. It's pretty great. Oh she is beautiful. You know, it's amazing how many beautiful women there are.
It is there should be there should be a there should be. I want to know find out what percentage of people is attractive this.
Isn't that subjective? No, no, no. What percentage of people is attractive? Hmm, I came up with a brilliant five percent, the ones who are good looking are typically more than five percent of the population, five percent more attractive people in a beach city.
Yeah, well, that was. Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What that says re what that says. This can't be. What do you want fucking. I don't know who this is. Read what that says. Tom is reading this. Yeah. I'm reading it. Should I say it.
You say it. Say it this. But I don't know what the search results from.
It says there may be more attractive people in a beachside city than say that's that's like someone's. This is exactly subjective. No, this is is facts. You read it on the Internet.
Go ahead and say it, then say in an inner city ghetto, what are you what what did you put it in Gloc talk dotcom as you wrote that.
Scroll down a little bit.
There's got to be more information. Scroll down. Um, interesting, what other results come up, I don't know how I came up with such a brilliant show idea with Joe DeRosa and. Yeah, yeah, it's. This is pretty cool, this is what I'm talking about. It's better to be ugly than cute. Statistics show The Post investigates female attractiveness without the usual analysis. Oh, she's ugly, I don't even need to see her under her face mask.
What do you think? What percentage is 70 percent, right? I don't I don't know. 50 percent of people are attractive.
No, fuck no. Yes, yes, for sure. Twenty five percent. But what are we talking about here, like you're saying, attractive? I mean, that's kind of a broad term.
Are you saying like like what percentage of people do you think you'd have sex with? That's a different. You want to hear what Ron thinks? Yeah. Ron's like top five percent. Now runs out of his fucking mind. Yeah, I would I, I bet I would have sex with.
Oh, yeah, let me say this before on. Let's keep that in your mind, OK? What promising young woman is like a very original original take.
It's a thriller. It has its it's dark. It gets really disturbing.
It gets really disturbing. Super fucked up.
For real. Yeah. It's good. She's great. She's fantastic in it. Just date rape. Uh, I don't wanna give away the details.
OK, there's a there's a theme of that, but it's pretty birdman's and he's great in it. For real. Yeah he's great in it.
Um, so what percentage of people would you have sex with if I put you all gave you one hundred people in a room. Yeah. How many people do you think you'd have sex with. So you give me a 100 women wonder women. I think I'm probably really attracted if it's random and I'm probably really attracted to like there's a niche, there's initial attraction.
I think fifteen initially. Give me a picture of Ellen DeGeneres audience. That's probably a bad fucking sample size.
OK, images of.
OK, all right. So give me just. OK, you ready. Now let's zoom in. How many of these women would you have sex with?
This is going to backfire big time. I guess we're never done, Ellen, by the way. Yeah, I think they're going to be I think I had that worked out. So they're going to be like, so tell us, Burt, you and Tom play a game where you say, how many people would you have sex with in my audience? Take a look, Burt. How many people? Yeah, OK. Ready? Yeah, I'm going to do the math.
Yes. Want. OK, so are you saying, like who I'm who I desire not, you know, I used to get into like that is it who I desire? In other words, you see them, you like I want to have sex with this person. No. Yeah. Or no, I would.
Well, I, I'm saying you can see someone and be like, yeah, I would, I would sleep with them or I don't want this person.
No. Right now I'm fifty fifty. You're 50 percent of the audience. Yeah. And some of the dudes like that Asian dude in the middle, I'm like I could pass them off.
Yeah. You'd have sex with that guy. I can't see that. Yeah, probably the girl. The blonde right up front. The one laughing to the left. Yeah, the Asian chick behind. The dude. The other that girl. Yeah. The one other dude. 100 dude. The girl and not that guy or girl. Not that guy. A lot of guys. Not her. Kris Jenner. I'm not gonna have sex with her. OK.
Yes. Hardcore. Yes. No, no, no, no, no.
This is a great game.
Yes. Yeah. From a distance hard. Yes. OK, give me some more distant ones.
Now, this is pretty much all you can see in lots of dudes. Yeah.
Give me fucking a lot of guys on this trip. Why does Helen have so many dudes and. Oh it's just because it's gay. It doesn't matter. It's not it's it's not just like a lot of female talk show. Yeah. She's like a representative of the accused thing. Yeah, sure.
So if you're a gay dude and you're visiting Hollywood, you're like, let's go see Ellen. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that makes sense. So you have one of those guys you'd fuck all those guys.
I guess any gay guy is better looking to me.
Any who do you think, sodomy or Tim Dillane? Like, who do you think you get laid quicker, me or Tim, dealing with guys, with guys? He does have a great head of hair. Oh, fuck. I thought it was going to be obvious me. He's a good looking he's a he's a strikingly attractive man. Mm hmm. Yeah, sounds like he's got intense eyes. Sure. Do you think that you're better looking like I don't know if I'm better looking at a picture of me?
No, you're out. OK. Let's take let's, uh, let's let's OK, not OK, never mind, never mind. God damn it, man, I thought it was going to be me up until I saw me.
I saw me, I was like, yeah, he's also, what is he, 10 years younger, more? Oh, that doesn't matter. OK, go, go, go, go, go to the picture of me in the hot tub. That's a good looking picture of me, OK? I do me after on that picture, we're going on that picture. Really. Do you know gay dude that we can call and ask who did have sex with more near-term talent.
Do you know gay guy. I do, yeah.
OK, I know who I know a guy who has named Seth. But he won't know, I don't think he'll know that we have to show him pictures. I think they have a cute on speed dial. You know, you should call Justin Martindale because he knows both of you. Justin's hey. Do I have his number? I might have his number. Yeah. No, I don't have his number. Hold on. Hold on. If I have his number, we're doing the first time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So be great, you know. Oh, let me see, Justin. I would have sex with Justin. OK, we're looking to Joslin's for him way hotter than Tim. Shit, you don't have a no no. Hey, fuckin a man you do. Oh, put it up here.
Oh, great. Place time. I'm on the screen. Can we do that? Yes, no, no, no, no. I love that you think I would do it. Yeah, of course everyone thinks you would do it. I give out your number once you did in Tampa. OK, Helen, you get it on the screen, I mean, on the show, on doing stand up, I was drunk when I called you and it just played out.
Mankowitz like, do you remember giving out Segers? No.
And I was like, no. By the way, that morning I woke up drunk in a house that I did not recognize after the show. Yeah, all right. Face time I'm doing right now out of it. Super aggressive, but we're doing it.
Yeah, it's not aggressive. It's just make it normal. It's aggressive. Do you think his hair is going to be done? Uh, he's got a fucking crazy head of hair. See if he answers. So, yeah, he's not answering. I don't blame him. I guess is he getting it from a strange number, do you think? Yeah. Oh yeah. How would you answer? I don't know if I'm from a strange number, you might just answer on know.
Text him and say it's me face time, are you OK? OK, OK, I got the message. Hey. What if he was like, I haven't told people I'm gay, like, oh, all right, Jesus, my bad. Is this all right, Missy? I mean, we got to give a minute. Oh, he's definitely texted me. Oh, here he is. Oh, perfect. Here he is. Yeah, I's on right now.
You have your eyes on I love oh, I love this.
The swells honey do so I got to look dewy. Oh nice. Yeah you got to get. Oh, you look great. Hey, we have to ask you. We're doing great. Look, there's brr. Hey buddy. How are you doing. How is how are you doing.
I'm, I'm. Yeah yeah yeah. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Clearly you look great. You look great man.
It's good to see you. We're doing a podcast. Yeah I know. We're doing a podcast. I texted him. We're doing a podcast.
Something came up during this podcast and I was like, oh, let's call Justin because he'll give he'll give the so first start here.
Start here. Justin, how many what percentage of people do you think is attractive? Meaning if out of a room of one hundred people, how many would you have sex with.
Oh, my God, what a Lady Gaga question to ask. I love Lady Gaga. A hundred people under one hundred people that you you know, one hundred guys that you would. Here's a hundred guys. What percentage of those guys are attractive enough for you to be like. I'd like to. Take them home. Well, it's been a long pandemic, so, yeah, no, it's a higher number for sure than last year.
I mean, out of 100. Let's see, I'll say. This I don't like have a 50 50 wow. Fifty fifty five, fifty five. Wow.
OK, but that's those are some of them. See like I would argue I would some women I see that I think are sexy, that other guys would be like, oh yeah, yeah, that's not mine. But in my head I go, I just want to, I would love to see what she looks like when she has sex.
Right. Is there alcohol involved. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Who fuck sober or no. Now we're driving up the stats for sure but this is, this is the reason for the call. We're talking about this and then Bert through out there he goes. Who is more attractive, him or Tim Dillon. Bert or Tim, gentlemen, that's what I said, I go, Tim's got a great head of hair, he's got it. He's got really no krischer crush it. Yeah. Wow, wow. Yeah.
Yes, really. I mean, look, I got tied up. Oh shit. Oh, he's getting stripping now.
Yeah. Leeann's lucky gal again. Oh my God.
Dude, that's a huge endorsement. Thank you so much, Justin. By the way, I said you are way hotter than Tim. Yeah. Fuck yeah.
Dude, I would totally bottom for you, but don't get crazy.
It's my first time, so let's go slow. Just so you know, I'm wildly disappointed in you. And you didn't ask about yourself. Oh yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. How about me are these guys. I'm going to go with Christina.
Oh he's killing me. No, no, no, no.
You're you guys are both sexy.
You guys know that now you're the fucking best. Justin. Thank you. Taxin I try. I keep it real man. Thank you man.
Thank you. That's a good way to end. This is going to we're going to end on that. Yeah. You got to end feeling good about yourself. Fucking big ass shoulder. Oh God.
Oh Jesus. Are you sure you want to see this again. I'll take a picture, send it to you. Have a great time on the dude. Thanks for answering. I love you. We love you, baby brother. Talk to you soon. Bye bye. All right, that was great. Yeah, OK. All right, um, is there anything we didn't cover?
Plenty, but let's move on. Thanks so much for listening and watching.
I mean, just look at me super hot. See you next time, Bert. Tom, Tom and Ward one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert Snowmachine, there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's why. Because there's a. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call there's one case.