Transcribe your podcast

I live in Key West, I do a residency at, like one of the local bars. Yeah. And who would pack out, like tourists around there all the time? Pack it out. Open air, sunlight kills Corona. That's my thing. And then I just.


How great would be you wake up around noon, right? Go out in the boat.


Is your family with you? Did they come?


I did not bring them in this scenario 100 percent.


Would you say that you're eloquent?


Um, yeah. I am very eloquent. Yeah. I'm very eloquent, I don't say the word to say the word v u n e r a belly. The U.N., it's when you're like this. Vulnerable, are you that right, OK, vulnerable. I didn't say it's vulnerable, I didn't say vulnerable, vulnerable, vulnerable.


Pull up a British person saying it's going to be really hard for them to find their vulnerable vulnerable. Oh, yeah. Hang on. Hang on. Let me hear it.


Vulnerable. Oh, that's a fucking do British guy saying it, OK. British British people say things better.


Yeah. It's always like I feel like I would love a British hype man. Yeah. Vulnerable, vulnerable, vulnerable voters hold on, honorable, I spelt it wrong. Yeah, you did. You said the UN. Wait, hold on the word I was trying to call you on pronouncing wrong. I spelled wrong. I picked that up.


Now, I don't know how to say this vote on the Boehner rule vulnerable. Well, I sound like a Dracula. How do you say ignorable?


How do you say EPRI Vasey? Why privacy. Privacy.


Yeah, I don't. How great what the Brits say it. Privacy, vitamines. Yeah.


Vitamines, fagots packets and gravy. What.


It's a very it's a well known. Yeah I got the gravy.




Faggotry gravy classic British leftwards. What is that is do you really find that sounds like that does sound like a hate crime, but it's a recipe.


Yeah, and there's like there's the king of birds out there.


We there's a real thing. What's an outward? I thought it was a cigarette's food. It's a it's a it's a meatball.


Is it pronounced differently? Nope. Well, that's an odd that's an odd word.


Yeah. It's our word because. Oh there's other uses of the word. What's the other one uses of the word. Um, I remember hearing it when we were kids. Then I learned that word. I remember learning that word. Yeah. That's the interesting thing is I didn't make that word up and I didn't I learned it from a group of boys that were all brothers and they had crescendoing ages, a unit of measurement, a bundle of sticks.


Yeah. An ancient symbol of an ax bound in a bundle of rods, a bundle of Bushwood. Well, you just do this, though, will you pull up a video that we can just show him momentarily and just we can just jump just so he sees it. It really is a real thing. Just take a look at this. You're going to miss this if you're there. Oh, the third one. Down one. Third one. Yeah.


A black country that's won the fight, some as like Georgia, but it is to Yorkshire and we're very proud of the traditional black country food.


If I get some right, I guess some peace as created by the king. Precisely. That.


Are they are they making a joke about this? No, they're just being real about it. Yeah. But they never use that word is like a pejorative word there. Oh, for real. Don't know. Like they just go like that. So that's what that is.


That was interesting. Meatballs and gravy. I need a British hype man at parties. At parties. When I'm drinking, all I need them to do is just be like on my side. So when I say fucked up shit like like like a misspelled vulnerable and they're like, actually he's he's pretty spot on.


Why would they say you were spot on for just I don't know just but just to help me out. Oh I got like just to be like, like when people start attacking me and then I start going like no they don't make it straight to direct TV, direct to DVD movies. Like I got into a big fight about. They were like, yeah, they make some movies for direct to DVD. And I went, that's not true. And it's it true.


I don't know who makes a movie to fail then. Like, it's not a failure. It's the way they market. Like, that's one of the things. And I got into a real fight. Who you in the fight with? Just about everyone in the room where including my wife, where I told where I. By the way. They're all right. You're wrong. No, I know I know that now. But I wouldn't have minded one British guy to be on my side.


I'm, like, actually made a point right here. Well, I'm a bit hungry, I wouldn't mind going for a few, you know, and BS.


Oh yeah, come on, just say it. Come on, Mike, I let you know what.


He's out of it. He's out of you. I lay off him. So he's got a good point. He's wrong. He's wrong. I'm on your team. But but he's got a good point.


I like this character a lot, actually. So he's just like his name's Lyle. Lyle is just there to kind of take the heat off just. Yeah. Just to like he's like a burner.


Like when you when you've upset people.


When I'm upset people, Lyle jumps in and he's like, actually Mike is pretty fast, OK? I don't know about him being every Asian in a foot race, but the majority I got you on that.


But and I'm like, that's what I'm talking about. I like it. He's I actually Googled it. They've never won a gold, silver bronze medal ever in any Olympics as true. Go, go, go. Any Olympics while it's actually OK, there's a sidebar to that. There was a race.


You got hurdles. You guys go, oh yeah.


And everyone tripped and the Korean did one. That's real Chinese. The Chinese bloke, he won. That's really all it was he created. Ah, Chinese Chinese bloke. Ask ask. By the way now in my real character Jimmy Owyang knows the bloke. Champion, hero, hero. It's really I totally agree with your race. Now don't I know you think we can get Ricky Gervais on the phone one day? I think it's possible. I'd like that.


I like his giggle. He's got a great game.


He would he would be a great guy. I think he'd love you because you remind him of Karl Pilkington. Oh, I. He does love me. Yeah, he loves me. Yeah. Seinfeld hates me. He loves me. Wait, wait. It's time for I think I think we know who you are.


No, he doesn't find out that he knows who you are. How do you know. Because I spoke to somebody who is really good friends with him and I don't want to say on the air, but a really good friend. Is it. You don't know. You don't it. I promise. You don't know. Hold on. Let me guess, OK?


Kramer, I was talking to everybody, is it buddy? No, you're thinking about rebooting Seinfeld. I've heard that that's a bad idea. He's a horrible idea. But you came up. Yeah. And. Naturally, I didn't go I didn't say like, do you think until the guy goes, Yeah, I was talking to Seinfeld, he goes, are you doing the, um, the driving thing, too?


And I go now. And he goes, Oh, yeah.


Because I was talking to Seinfeld about how Burt's doing it. And I was like, Really?


Oh, you got to tell me this guy's name now. Yeah, I will give me a hint like once like a feature on his body that I had noticed first.


Oh, by the way, I thought of your eyes, you know, one.


You know, I don't think you know for real. I don't think, you know, is he an agent? No. Is he a comedian? No, no. That was an interesting pause. I like this game now. I might have to pull out.


All right. Tell me more about this bloke. I got this. All right. Well, this bloke was saying that that that's how the driving thing came to Gerry's attention. Was you doing it?


Oh, we like that, don't we? But by the way, I just lost the accent and he said any. And he referred to you as the shirtless guy. Yeah.


Yeah, of course. Or the guy that is an amazing guy. He said both. He better fucking I. That's like that's my my biggest fear is that guys like you fucking said that about yourself.


But in an interview that I read, what did I say. But I'm a fucking fantastic I'm a fucking fantastic comedian.


I'm a fucking able to legit awesome comedian. I'm not debating it. Look, I think I said it. Oh, yeah. Oh, forget what kids you know, what it is is I guess it's the guy I no, it's the fucking guy who was like, I can call the coin toss.


I can call five in a row. I'm serious. Yeah, I can. What happen is someone's either going to agree with you or they're not.


Yeah, fucking by the way, you know what it is, is that I get I get written off because I take my shirt off.


Yeah. And then I go like I think people think I don't write jokes. Right. I know that. I want to say that at one point I think Rogen you probably surprised a lot of people.


I oh I think I surprised a lot of people because I think people are like, wait, he he writes in a book like he thinks of them before he goes up.


I think I did an interview this morning on radio and they're like they're like so we want to come to the I.


I keep forgetting to promote the fucking hot summer nights tour. I'm on the road right fucking now. Yeah. I think the shows might have been over well anyway but I the guy said so do I go to The Early Show or The Late Show.


The guy on radio. And I said, well it doesn't matter. They're both the same. He's like, well which one are you going to be more fucked up at? And I was like, neither. Like I and he was like, so no, like like what's the difference? Like, do you like, prepare material? And I was like, yeah, like an hour of it.


And he was like no more than just a machine like all the stuff it's like off the top, you're damn right. And I went, no, I don't go into a driving and just make everything up on the spot. And he was like, you write this stuff. And I was like, yeah, I think I take my shirt off. People go, Oh, wait, so you write it like like Seinfeld, right.


Is but you write yours and I'm like, it's the same fucking job. Like that's what. And so I've found myself defending the fact that I also do comedy. Yeah. Like where people are like you're like, like, like anyone that knows us, knows that I am a fucking weird person and and I think I live in the fucking bizarreness of whatever I do find acceptable. But I also do comedy. Also like this podcast is a weird because I find things that I like.


I would never have thought about talking on stage about in this podcast. And then I go, fuck, I should have saved that for a bit.


Really? Oh yeah. Like what. Like. I told a bit one time on here that was so quick and I wanted to use it, but everyone had already heard it about shitting in front of a Japanese guy. You've done that. You didn't do that on stage? No, I did it here about getting the baby's dick hard or getting the. Yeah. He didn't say no, but about hey, I got some advice for you on want show.


That was the funniest. Yeah. I've never done I'd never done it on stage. You can do it on stage. Yeah. But I do it now and everyone's like I've seen that more people have seemed to there's one club than come see me live. So like a million people seen that. And then probably the majority of the people at my shows have seen two bears, one cave.


And they're like, oh, this is the guy that they I thought that the Japanese thing was a bit from the stage. No, I think it was just here because I had to change it to do it in the special because I was like I just everyone a special. I know I changed it.


Would you change it to I was true.


I was with Ari and I took a shit and gender neutral bathroom in Madison, Wisconsin, and it made the woman in the stall next to me question of politics like it was such an aggressive shit. She had never sit next to a man like she had. She was like all liberal walking in and then she sit next to a man and was like, oh, fuck these people, they fucking shit in their own bathroom.


Yeah. So I told Ari when I walked out and I was going to change that, that Japanese joke to that. Yeah. You said that you shit in and it's a true story by the way.


It's happened twice to me. It happened once in Denver, Colorado. I happen I'm going to call my friend. This is one hundred percent true story. And it happened first in Japan. And then I took a shit in Japan that was so bad. The guy in the stall next to me threw up and we were in Japan and I thought he was talking to me. Right. That was the joke. I was like, I have no toilet paper.


I don't know what you're saying. I don't speak the language. That's a little aggressive. It was it was acceptable a few weeks ago. This one is one hundred percent. Verifiable because it was just me and the Japanese guy in Japan. I'm going to call the woman that was producing the show that we were shooting and we were in a pizza parlor and I shit. And the guy next to me threw up and my crew was in there and they heard the guy throw up and they had to go to the bathroom.


And she she was like, you took a shit and everyone threw up, Hey. Hey, Stace, I'm doing a podcast with Tom Sagara.


Listen, do you remember when we were shooting? It's five o'clock somewhere. Yes, do you remember when I took a shit in that pizza parlor and the guy in the stall next to me threw up? All right, I'll call you three. Yeah, I know.


So you think she'd like that? Oh, yeah, yeah.


That's my new producer. I take her with me everywhere and you just hang up on her. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.


Oh, we I told her that we are working is more like an Ellen like you said.


We're like I'll call you later Bob. Hey man.


Oh. Can you pull up the um the Leighanne clip.


What's the Lee-Anne clip. This is so great. This is just this is so funny. Look at your wife here is I think this is me on the phone, right? Yeah, I love her mouth.


You know, about how he began with a barehanded weiping a few weeks ago. That's what I was going to lie about.


Oh, no, no. Yeah, it was on the road.


He was in a public place and he didn't have paper. And he said, you gave it a shot and there was nothing finger. So then he tried it again a few weeks later and there was a lot on this finger.


Are you trying to get me to divorce my husband? She's not going anywhere. She's got nowhere to go.


She's like an officer and a gentleman just doing push ups in the mud.


Yeah, she seems a little horrified to find that out. Have you done it again since? I haven't done it since I've been well, I haven't needed to because I've been home. Yeah. And then we have to. But you're about to hit the road or you're on the road now. Oh yeah. Yeah, I'm on the road right now. I wouldn't be surprised if I was doing it in Wichita, Kansas or Kansas City, Missouri. Yeah.


Or maybe one of the many cities I'm hitting. Yeah. On this one. Ohio, two shows wiping your hands on your ass bare handed. You haven't done it yet. I haven't done it yet. I did wipe my son's ass this morning and got some shit on my finger. So that was fun. So we shit on your finger.


What do you do first thing you do? Do you wipe it off and you smell it? Not your son, shit your shit out. I wipe it off of real, you don't smell it first like a clump of shit is on your hand.


You're like, Hmm, that's what you that's what you said this one time to me. And I hope I have a problem with this. And I wish Leo was here to defend me. Yeah.


Because I can we get can we please get submissions from British people, let them speak for a second.


Yeah. We need I need a British person to give us sound soundbites that defend me when I'm out of my fucking mind and then just get a really posh sounding British person to give me I want like ten one, send them to Nadav away.


So what's the Tuba's address here to bears the number to the word bears the number one, the word cave at Gmail dot com. The subject line should say British accents. Yeah. And and just I want you got and by the way, you've got to be really British. Yeah. I put some personality into it. Yeah. Really. You know, I wanted something like a little bit of like like really sell it to defend me.


What I hear about er IMAP er amount. Er amount. Yeah. I wouldn't mind one of those exact er amount. Erm I want a tough sound, I want a couple British guys, I want a really smart one, I want a really tough one, you know, like my cockney one, the one e stays out on the guy.


He says yes. He says yeah let him talk. Yeah I do it right.


It's fantastic. God I wish I could do accents. Yeah you can you just nail that one.


So you want like somebody who works with the queen to do it and then like a real a chimney sweeper.


So who would you want to be your backup, your hype man. Like someone that just when you were talking shit like showing like.


Oh definitely a black like a black guy. Right. Like straight up hood who's I hold up a second man. Like what. Like you hear him out like one of those. Yeah. Same kind of ideas one time. No, no, no. Yeah yeah yeah. I do like that.


OK, so then we also need a black guy to submit some for Tom. Yeah. So that when we are having a disagreement Nadav can gently, gingerly toss them in.


Just give me like some give my man a second like. Yeah. Shit like that. And so, so that when we're losing an argument. Yeah. He can, Nadav can pepper them in and then we have our height men backing us up.


Thom's are African-American.


OK, so for mine again, the number two, the word bears the number one cave, two bears, one cave at Gmail dot com subject line black accents.


And you have to have a picture of you being black. You can't just be a white guy doing black accents as racists unless we're doing it. It's not racist when we're doing it. But if you're doing it, it's racist. And I need to prove that you're British cup of tea or like a biscuit or something.


I love it. OK, let's figure out our friends who they would have as the our friends. I say our friends moving. All our friends are moving.


So I really was we talked about this a few weeks ago on your mom's house about how what are we about to take over this city?


Oh, I like how different our brains work.


Are we about to become the biggest comedians in California? I don't know. I'm trying to get br to move Sebastian, to move and get the fuck out of here.


Can follow the lead man. There's a better pastures. Spurs.


You want to go home to Boston? Yeah, it's fucking hot out here, man.


Boston. Cool. The bats, they held em apples, you know.


Go back, man.


Yeah. I mean, there's so many hoo hoo like. I don't know, it's just what it is, it feels like a real shift because it's what are like, ah, I mean, you know, everything's different because it cova but our social life has like this, you know, this way about it that has been this way. And then this is like throwing a big wrench into it. Right. Like Rogue and leaving Diaz leaving. I know I said that without people saying it, but I've confirmed two other people leaving and I know three other people on top of it that are considering leaving.


I know. I know. I know. Rogan and Joey. I talked to Joey about it. Right. I don't know where Joey is going to go. He says he's going to. Yeah, I don't I don't know where he's going, but like I said, I did my time, dawg.


He said he knows I did my time. I'm like again. And now here's the thing is that like you got to really consider.


You know, I had a young comic shout out to John Turkcell, I have to talk to him on the phone yet, but I talked to him later today, young comic from Tampa. His dad and I went to high school together. He's a little older than me, but he was asking me about, like what to do in comedy.


And it was such a hard question to think of how to answer it, because I'm like, I would not move to New York if you're young comic. I definitely would move to New York and I definitely would move to L.A. like I wouldn't if you're getting spots in your hometown, fucking stay there. If they're opening clubs in your hometown, don't go anywhere like do the reps. You're not getting spots in L.A. when they open at half capacity. Yeah.


I mean, those the lineups are going to be everyone's going to be getting everyone is going to be wanting buy spots everywhere.


And then you look at like Rogan's move, right.


If you're a young comic, why not go to where the the here's the thing.


You have to remember, he's going to try to duplicate the environment that he had.


And by the way, he's going to try to. He will. He will. Yeah, he will. He created the environment out here. Yeah. The stand up environment out here is on the on.


This is a big statement, but I think Lyle was here to back me up.


This the stand up scene out here is based on the fact that he stood up for stand up and went head to head with Carlos Mencia and he got kicked out of the store. And when he went back to the store, everyone knew things had changed at the store for good, that it was never going to be this toxic environment where thievery was rewarded and heroism was punished and standing up for the little guy was punished. And so everyone showed up there.


Everyone would to be a part of it. And he was he is the biggest podcast in the world and he's doing shows there every single night. He will recreate that. And wherever he goes. Yeah. In Texas. Yeah. Like he will recreate that. And if you are a young New York comic that is not have an hour special on big providers and you're not headlining big and you want to do reps, go to our Rogan is I think is going to be.


I can't argue against that dude. If you are developing and you're like, what's going to be hot coming up out of this?


I would go to Austin. I even argue what I mean. Like I'll say, like Andrew Shultz's level, Andrew Schultz is doing theaters. Why? Like, why wouldn't he go to Austin?


Like, why wouldn't he go wherever Joe's going? I don't know exactly where he's going, but like, why wouldn't he go in Austin? He's going to Austin. Why wouldn't he.


I just I didn't know if everyone knew that. Yeah. Um, I thought so. I thought that was confirmed. I'm pretty sure that's Austin. I mean I think about else. So yeah. It's like whatever he's in Austin. Yeah.


So but like why why would you not why would you pay high rents in New York for a scene that's not coming back for five years. When will New York comedy be back to when it is.


Maybe never, maybe never. Like if they're saying they've got to be a whole because they have so many clubs there, I wonder where they're going.


I just can't survive that.


I would say I would say half of them are already gone. Yeah. They haven't paid rent. They're already gone. Yeah.


I was reading an article about how the very fabric of Manhattan, like like you take your average, let's say, high rise, bustling building the time. But what used to be the time, life building, they said on an average day. Right.


And regular like right now last year, between seventy five hundred eight thousand people that work in this building would go in right now.


Five hundred people going out and but then they break down because it's like a it's like a like it's a miniature ecosystem that's like a show like that represents what's going on in the bigger picture. It's like just this one building has retail stores, coffee shops, food mart, a steakhouse, all these things that every day that those people that go in, you know, they spend money and keep this whole system going.


Right. The coffee shop, the steakhouse, the retail store.


And so all the stores are are just stopped. They're just closed. Yeah. The five hundred people don't create.


It's not enough activity. Yeah. The hat that guy said I used to sell on average. Four hundred hotdogs a day sells ten now. So they said like. It's just one building and these are just these five stores, but that's happening at the building next to that and the building next to that and the building next to that. So the economic impact of this, you know, they said could take a decade to recover, a decade and that.


And I'm just looking at it like audiences. Right. When are you going to get audiences back in New York? Not for a long time. They're saying I mean, I don't think they've ever come up with a vaccine for a flu. That's never happened. They've come up with vaccines that can treat different strands, but never to cure the flu. They got nothing.


It's if this thing is around, why why not live in Wyoming?


I took a meeting the other day and the head what I looked at going to Wyoming yesterday. For real.


Yeah. OK, listen, I'm tethered to you, motherfucker. So if you go to fucking Wyoming, I got to go to Wyoming. You want to go. Yeah. So bad you only get like a ranch. Dude, we start fishing, right? Horses. I just rode horses in Arizona. No state income tax. No, in Wyoming.


None too will take over Wyoming. Dude.


Yes, I thought we could be mayor and governor. I think so. Which real world do you want, Mayor? Come on. I know. Yeah. You're gonna have to bail me out of a lot of shit. Yeah. You know, like a horse. And then we'll have a higher a higher like a legit British dude to hang out with me. He'll be like my assistant mayor, the little guy, little guy. And he'll be like, all right.


All right, everyone, calm down. Calm down. He's a little buzzed. He didn't mean what he said. Women can adopt dogs. He was fucking around. Go ahead. Back in.


All right. All right, all right. He said it's a sad it's abortion's not murder. Remember, that was his first words. What? He also said it's not not murder. So now. OK, OK.


Where would you move? Where would you move? Is there anywhere that you would move to? I would I honestly like you know, I really honestly, when Joe first talked about it, I was like, OK, it does make sense to me to like it does make sense.


But I'm also a fucking grown up with two kids in high school. Like, I'm not like I'm not some guy who's just got disposable income and it's like going like fucking I have no tether to this city. Like I talked to one of the dudes, my nose moving, I won't say his name by nose moving. And he was like, what do you think am I going to do? Is it look bad? If I go to where Joe's going, I go, no, not at all.


Not at all. Because when Joe shows up, he will create a fucking massive comedy scene that everyone will benefit from because people will know guys comedy in town like this is I mean, it's like Chappelle Chappelle is basically runs Ohio like he knows the reason the Dayton Funnybone is big and still sells tickets is because Dave Chappelle lives like an hour like 30 minutes away and rides his motorcycle over there. There's a Mexican cop in my pop in. So people show up all the time because you never know if Dave Chappelle's Show up right now, he's in Yellow Springs doing shows in a field and he's flying Jon Stewart and Chris Rock and and private jets and they're doing FaceTime shows with Jim Carrey.


It's like it's a scene that's a fucking it's invitation only when Joe shows up. It's a fucking scene. And if you're a young comic, it's not a bad move.


It's not a bad move. And don't think like, well, let's go.


But entertain me with this where if you if I was like, you got to leave L.A., OK, what are the three places that you would consider legitimately moving to, like you would actually move there and live there if you had to leave in sixty days and sixty days?


Yeah, I'm not sure Texas is top five, OK, only because I. I like Austin, but I don't like to keep Austin weird shit like I don't I never really understand hipsters that don't live in New York or L.A. Like I always go like like Portland's always made me scratch my head. I'm like, Really? Yeah. Like, I don't understand.


Like like hipsters. Like, I'm like it always blows me away.


When you go to Madison and you see, like, the girl with the bangs cut to here and the and the and the just because she lives there. Yeah.


I go why don't you just move to New York like what are you doing here. Like this is like for families and stuff like I get there's a cool scene maybe but like, like these guys like. Yeah. Like I never really get much. Those guys hate you owe a ton. I think so too.


I am Amy but I think that I am everything they despise without leading me, without meeting you, without meeting me.


They, I got we did a bike race in Portland and.


And it was with like like anarchists, I saw all antifa kids now I'm sure. Yeah. And so we got on like a hippy dippy bus. And and and it was interesting because I'm not to shit on any of these kids that were all very, very sweet, but like, they were all against cameras, like the idea that we would that we were sellouts because we were going to Travel Channel.


But any time a camera showed up, they acted the weirdest they could. And I was like, well, you're definitely playing it up for the camera. And then we did a little miniature bike race down the hill and it was funny shit you got going really fast. They bombed this hill, unlike mini bikes, like really tiny, like kids bikes.


We were hauling fucking ass. And this one girl wiped out and took out this black dude and the black dude knocked his tooth out and he was hurt and she was hurt. And it happened right in front of me. And I popped up and I helped. I went to help her up. I went hungry, OK?


And she went, did you just call me honey? And I went, oh, my God. Like, she's got blood coming off her. And all I'm thinking is, are you hurt? Because I picked up my little kids and said, Honey, are you OK? Yeah. And I'm thinking of that.


And then another dude got in my face goes, What fucking is it, bro? Are you serious right now? I mean, that's serious. I'm being dead serious. What fucking year is it? Did you just call her honey, yo yo dude, get woke. And I'm like. OK, this is in Portland, is in Portland, and I went, cool, so Portland's not your top three?


Oh, definitely not my I'm definitely not going to Portland, so I'll go perform in four days. But I just want to perform there like regular people.


Yeah. Those people that like with the bangs up to here and tattoo that says Gapper on her show arm. Yeah. You remember that girl I took a picture of a century ago? I don't think she knows what that means.


What's your top three outside of L.A.? You've got to move there. You got to move there with your family. Key West.


That's one of your top three. One of my top three. How can you keep even working, though? Oh, you're being serious.


Yeah, I started a company scene. I start a residency at the hog's breath. Or you could so do that.


You could be the mayor of Key West. Oh, do. OK, how great is that?


I got my little scooter. I scoot around town. What's up, Burt? And I just I'm like and then I live on the water.


I go out for lobsters every day. You and Warren, we get real close. Oh yeah. We what dude. How much fun people live down there.


No, he lives in the middle of the middle of the state I think. OK, where he grew up. I think he grew up in Apopka and so Plymouth. Is that where he grew up. Yeah. Yeah. I went to Apopka. Yeah. Yeah. And so I live in Key West.


I do a residency at like one of the local bars. Yeah. And who would pack out like tourists around there all the time. Pack it out. Open air sunlight kills Corona. That's my thing. And then I just.


How great would be you wake up around noon. Right. Go out in the boat.


Is your family with you. Did they come. I did not bring them in this scenario because it doesn't sound like they're that Georgian either in college. Oh, they're OK, Liam. God bless. Passed away.


And so. So what's the new life like?


You have a girlfriend. Oh, there's the wife. We are friends filming. OK, it is. I am hammering perimenopausal bitches. Yeah. On the way.


I bet you got a bunch of drunk broads down there that oh they see you the next day and I know you and you like. Yeah. We fucked all night. Yeah. Raw Dolgin.


Fifty two year olds raw dogging it. I'm like herpes. I'll take it.


I don't care. I'm on my way out. In your fifties you got no more cardiologist's.


Just taking the blood pressure medicine I'm on right now. Right. Yeah. Grow my hair out. Thinning hair, ponytail. Oh that's right. Yeah. I wear my I always have a new signature summer look like and I always have a cool look. Great flops, cruiser bike cruiser flip flops. I got a flip flop store selling my free water flip flops. Yeah. There it's a whole store that's mine. I got like my merch store, I do my podcast out of my store so you can come in.


It's like, it's like an old school radio radio station and so you can see me doing the podcast.


I get some celebrity guests in. Hulk Hogan shows up. He's like, Hey, what's up, Michigan? I'm like, how are you doing?


Hoekstra Yeah. And then and that would be the best living QIC. That's one of the places. OK, number two.


Number two, I would like to live. I would love to it has it have to be in this country? I think it helps, OK, because it's more believable.


But by all means, leave the country if you want.


No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to take. I think I think somewhere in Colorado, yeah, in Aspen, I want to see I want to go small town, like owning a small town, small big town, you know. Yeah. Like take a small, big town and just look at that. Oh, yeah.


I just want everyone to know me. I want to be like the local legend guy. Yeah. And then I do stand up and like celebrity stand ups come in like Sebastian's like in there with his family. I go, dude, come get my, my mic. And he's like, you got my gear.


And I'm like and I go, I got a come on Sebastian. And then he and then he comes in and he's like, This is a great thing you made for yourself. Yeah. A real good thing going in. And I'm like, I know. And then he's like, Seinfeld's coming in next week. And I'm like, hey, have him come by in the next week. He's like, Hey, I like your place.


I feel like they were both here. I know. It's like they were right in the room. And so and third, I got Aspen, you got Key West, Aspen, and I think here we go. OK, New Orleans. Really? Yeah. That's a good way in.


I would live I could see you being a New Orleans guy. Foxx Yeah. Yeah.


By the way, these are all like when I say like riding into the sunset lifestyles, like I'm done with health and fitness. I could use Lyle right now. Hear him out, erm er I'm out, I'm done all trying to stay healthy. I'm just going to balloon up seniors in the morning and granade. How lucky you are. How long do you last when you go. I'm done being healthy.


Oh. Not lying down saying I can go. Twelve days. Do you think you'll die in 12 days. I think, I think 12 days is a real close run. 12 days after you've thrown in the towel after.


I thought if I when I go on tour for more than 12 days, it is dangerous.


I wonder how fast I could get to 300. Like I feel like I could do it. I wish we could do this as a contest and not die. Yeah. Because I could get to three hundred so quickly.


I ate nothing. Nothing you want because of covid.


Do you want to just do it in October. Just see how badly we can end the month.


I think for sobre October we all get covered together.


We have a Koven party where we sit in each other's mouths and just eat the whole fucking month and lay around. I could do that.


You know, you put on forty pounds in a month. Yeah.


I bet I could put on 40 pounds in a week. I bet I could. I bet I could try it. No, because I can't get rid of it ever. And I cannot get rid of it.


To do it, I got this.


Is this Italian get mad if we if you did this challenge.


Yeah. She's already like because she's lost all this weight. She's just says stuff really passive aggressively. Do you know the thing about losing weight.


But I'm like don't do this. You just to know she'll be like you need to do, you need to do drop squad with us.


And I'm like do drop squad. That's what her she calls her workout team drops squad because they dropped weight drop squad.


Oh God. Yeah. That sounds like some real mom shit. No shit.


And she's like, you know what you've got to do. I would even ignore the weights. Just work with your body weight.


I'm like, shut the fuck up. Like, I don't wanna hear a word you're saying. You know what the problem with running is? Oh, watch us. Let's go. Go. I'm going to let you talk to her about my weight loss. Now, here's here's where you've got to guide it. Like, what am I doing wrong that she's doing, right?


Yeah, OK. I wonder if she's working out right now. Can she can you believe she played with our dogs an hour every morning? Yeah. Hey, it's your other babe. How are you doing, man? I'm good.


I we're we're talking because we're recording right now and because are about to hit the road again. We're talking about, you know, health and and maintaining or weight loss. And one of your insight on what could be doing that he's not doing to further, you know, his health from her experience would drop squat, OK, from your experience would drop squat.


Eliminate pizza. It's not a food group, he has a lot of pizza and a lot of people and the road and probably going to be some extra slices in there.


Yes. And definitely some McDonald's could eliminate that. Yeah, for sure. He could eat more green leafy vegetables and drink more water. And what about that? Doesn't have Kool-Aid in it. Exactly.


What about his running mate? Doesn't he run a substantial amount?


He does run, but I mean, he runs and he's actually a really great athlete. He's in really good shape. And like this one lane. Yeah, right. And that kind of running lane. So I think he did one day where he lifted weights and he couldn't walk for like four days. Yeah. So that's a different lane. Yeah. Sleeping.


And we should we should get into that. Yes.


You should get into some like and stretching it. Dude does not stretch and he complains constantly about pain and, and then he stretches and the pain goes away and then he forgets and then.


Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well this sounds, this sounds very much like the bird. I ask her how quick she thinks I could put on. Oh yeah. So weird.


So one of the sponsors came up with this idea of like flipping so Rocktober on its head. And what do you feel like?


How fast do you think Berzerk could gain 40 pounds? I don't want to be involved in that challenge at all. I will pass on that challenge because, yeah, I don't know how fascinating 40 pounds, probably pretty fast, but I veto that challenge.


They give us two hundred fifty thousand dollars each. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if it's worth it. Oh, really? Yeah. Do you think I could drop it off? Do you think he could drop it off? I think you could I think Bert can do anything he puts his mind to that, that he probably had to put his mind to it.


October every year, you should see his pictures from Halloween last year. He looks so amazing.


Yeah, because, yeah, he decided to be disciplined.


Yes, we can do it. He just doesn't want to do it all the time.


Do you think he could put on 40 pounds in a week? In a week. Yeah, I don't think you do in a week. Yeah, he said he could. Well, once again, if he puts his mind to it, maybe, hey, do you think you can really do that? Yeah, really? I think so. I think. I think. Would you or should you write? Should you do that?


No, I should not do it. I won't take it off. I was exactly.


And at a certain age is harder and harder to take it off, so. I can factor that into whether or not, you know, spring chickens anymore, exactly, go down to October. Keep going. Let me skinny. Yeah, yeah. That's what I looked like when I met Liam. So where are you going to take any of her advice?


No, no, don't say that about me. It to you. He never takes my advice because you're always right about everything.


So I can't possibly be right about anything.


Have you met Lyle at Who's Lyle?


Hello. Oh no. Secondly, I give give him a chance amount. It's his British man that, um, that defends him whenever he's got somebody or quite certain that surprises me on. So.


Holy shit. I'm seeing the photo now, Leon. OK, I'm seeing the photo that you talked about at the end of October last year.


Yeah. Of him and Sandy. And he's really, really lame. He's got on like a white shirt. Yeah, it looks amazing. The guy wasn't happy. He did that in one month.


Yeah, but maintaining is the problem. Was he fun to be around, though, Liane? Yes.


Oh, so you're now saying that I'm fun to be around in sober October?


No, I'm not saying you're fun to be around in sober October, but I can tell you this. The constant complaining that happens every single day about feeling like shit about your body is not fun either.


Oh, a good counterpoint. It's constant.


Like, I just feel like shit. And then when I go look at the shirt that I can I haven't seen in 13 years and you go great and you feel like shit. It's also not fun. Yeah. Because I'm celebrating real successes and you're only reflecting on how terrible you feel about yourself. I get a little so I get twenty percent celebration. Eighty percent self deprecation. Yeah.


So yeah it's fucking time. Is you laughing because you know that's true. Yes. Yes, yeah that's true. So I don't owe him anything that I'm proud of because it's going to cause this great spiral that happens in his own head because he gets up in the middle of the is a you.


No I had three eggs and to be the pizza that that was today. At what time. Four in the morning. Yeah. Yeah.


Which is pretty normal. It's definitely on the drop squad diet. Well, I feel like I mean, this is a she was a real breakthrough, I think I think if I just follow. I did great like three days in a row and I lost a lot of weight.


And then I just I fall off the rails and then I go from like thirty to like two forty two and a day. Yeah.


And I'm like, how much is. He doesn't know how to cope with his emotions without extreme behavior like food or booze. Right. He doesn't know how to cope with his emotions. He has legit anxiety problems. And instead of coping with where they're coming from, hey, I shove stuff in his mouth.


I think he's blaming you, though, for his inability to cope. Oh, he blames me for everything. Yeah, for every single thing. Hey, how do you feel about moving?


Are you considering moving? Moving to the house, we just got a note out of the city to maybe New Orleans or like Key West or something like that, no, we're not moving. OK, because he was he was floating that if we had to move one place, babe, where would you want to move if we couldn't live in L.A.? Where would you want to move? No idea. Give me a place to think of it real quick.


No glue gun to your head. No idea.


Jobs got no more jobs crowded. You Detroit has got to be the answer. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. OK, Florida.


Absolutely not. There's no way I would live in that state. Absolutely not. Yes, too hot. There is way too hot. OK, Wyoming, when you move to Wyoming, think about not doing anything about it. Oh, OK. OK, Tom, Tom, Tom and I are thinking about getting a ranch.


Have fun, guys. I'll come visit. Oh, OK. I'm not moving. Sorry.


Well, we got this whole fishing thing going. We'll talk to both of you later. All right. I'll be home in a little bit, babe. OK. OK. OK.


All right. Love all but the.


That was great. Yeah.


She she kind of gets, you know. You know, she did. She cleans out her closet and she's lost all this weight. Yeah.


So she puts on like we just went skiing last year.


She puts on this like expensive jacket I bought her and she's like, I can't believe this doesn't fit. I'm getting rid of this. And I'm like, hold on, hold on. It just been skinny for like a couple of months.


Like, let's wait it out. Like, who the fuck cleans out their closet and get rid of like like here's the thing is that she looks at my closet and goes, those pants don't fit anymore.


And I go, yeah, I don't live my life without hope. OK, like I don't go through and go, well these these don't fit.


Throw them away. You're never going to lose weight again. All right, look, I don't just go oh, get me a size 52 then and then I can work into those like she's like get rid of that.


Those jeans don't fit.


I go. But they did in October. Right. And they can if I get shit under control. Yeah. So I'm not going to throw away like that. Sure. Do you. Hey there in this photo. One twenty. No, no. I mean I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Two to twenty to twenty. Probably to twenty two. Really. Yeah. Oh yeah. I mean yeah.


You look so skinny there. Yeah. But I don't even like to look at my face to be honest. Yeah. You look a little sick like it's you know what it is. It's just not, it's not.


I don't know, like you had weight loss surgery. It does look like that.


Right. Yeah. Yeah. See the thing is, if my beard was too long, I should trimmed it up. My cheeks look hollow. My face doesn't look good.


Yeah. I mean it looks like your your face is so thin now but like your midsection looks good.


Yeah. My midsection looked good. It bounced back but I don't know, I think I'd like to be I would like to get in shape shape like I would like to be in shape. Like what. Like steroids cycle steroids. Like look good. Like I want people to go whoa bro. Like I want to go, I want I'm going to be the next Dave Chappelle with muscles. You've mentioned this before. Yeah. I think we should do biceps, just biceps.


I think that's what he does. You could really lift weights, right? I don't know. I guess so. He definitely lift weights call. I'm going to text. I know he got text. I know. OK, so sit and fucking eat breakfast with him.


He's like I mean you the way he goes. Who wants to know. He's like a fat shirtless guy. He goes, oh yeah. The guy that does drive it. Tell him.


I said, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk.


What about Ohio? Would you move back to Ohio? Fuck no, no.


Maine. What about Maine? I mean, I don't Maine's beautiful, but I don't want to live here.


Should we get a bachelor pad in Austin? A bachelor pad. Yeah. That we just go there to party with. Yeah. No, I'm not. I'm not bitches. I'm talking the shit we want to do, like get a few whips. Right.


What are we doing with cars, cars? Oh, OK, rides, dog, why are we taking them to Texas? Because this is where we are when we can't say anything. Oh, I got you. Yeah. Jan Anderson hit us. Up we go. You think you'll hit it, guys? What are you guys doing this weekend?


I think the kind of man kind of Texas is like, man, guys, rough weekend with the wife. I need a place to ditch out. We're like bachelor pad Keisel.


We'll meet you there, please edit that out, that's where I keep the keys to my house. All right.


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Yeah, please fill up that, that clip you got highlighted there because it's really funny to me. This is something you said you don't lose. Yeah. Yeah.


You we were talking about the race you have with Ron and then you said this and I thought about it so much since then.


And you don't ever lose speed despite how fat you might get. You don't ever lose speed. I've never been fast. Even when I was skinny, I was never the fastest kid on the team. Yeah. So even probably at my lightest, I may have a hard time beating Ron because fast is a different twitch.


It's like you do lose your weight, you definitely lose speed. No, no. Yeah, you do. Either quick or not quick. OK, but you said you don't lose speed no matter.


No, no, no. I meant I meant muscle twitch. Like you're either a fast guy and you can run. Yeah. Yeah. Or you're not a fast guy. Like not exercising will never you can never learn to get fast.


Right. You are born fast. Yeah yeah. Yeah.


But if you're fast like if you're like bam like one of those dudes that can take off and you gain eighty pounds, you're not as fat, not as fast, but you are faster than the average fast dude.


Not fast dude. That's eighty pounds your weight.


OK, ok. So like so Ron was fast run was. He said he was always the fastest kid in his school on his teams. OK, he was always the fastest kid.


I want to get a picture of Ron when he was skinny. I bet he was fucking ripped.


You think so. Yeah. Let's see. Hey, text me a picture of when you were young. And skinny. So, yeah, you never you never rip, you never lose those those fast twitch muscles. I don't know how fast twitch muscles. Yeah, like it's like the ability to bench 225, although I don't have that anymore. But like, I could always throw up to 25. Now I can you can always do that. My whole time it was like it was like a parlor trick.


Like when you were what. Beginning it all through college.


All through. I used to have a couple of tricks that I could do that people could never expect me to do. Like I could do 100 pushups in a row. People never expected it, really never expected it. You could do 100, 100 pushups in a row. We went to a bar in New York and I and I, I used to when I didn't have money, I was always still very fun.


Like I would always barter for especially backpacking through Europe. I came up with ways to get things for free, that I knew that I could entertain people to get them. And one of the things I could do was one hundred push ups. And I would say I would start a push, a contest, a conversation with someone, and I would do Bert shit where I go. One hundred push ups is easy. And they'd be like, actually it's not like anyone has to push ups is like twenty is really difficult.


You're like twenty, nothing to twenty and they're like, you can't do twenty. Do you do push ups. I go I mean yeah I've done them and they're like, you think you could do twenty. I go I definitely do twenty. I can do it, I can do a hundred and maybe like impossible and I go you bang out a hundred and bang out one hundred.


I did it at a party, I did it at a party in front of all my friends in college and I looped them in. They didn't. We were in New York at a party and they didn't know I could do one hundred, but I was doing one hundred at the time. And they were like, there's no way you could do one hundred. And I was like, I'm pretty sure I could put your money where your mouth is. I'm broken.


How many can you bang up right now for easily twenty.


Yeah, I think he did twenty. Probably forty.


You just doubled it like that. Yeah, I just, I thought that's where my brain works. I think the 40 would be a struggle. I don't know, man, you never you never lose that muscle memory. Never lose it, you never lose strength and strength, it never goes away.


I, uh, I probably could do 40.


It's a good question. Now, you could had one. When would you test out your two?


Twenty five and you just find it.


So I would I would always do. I was always doing push ups and I would I always found that if I got to a bench, if they had two twenty five on I could throw it up every time I did it and I would do it in college all the time ago.


Is that a lot of weight. Nobody gets to twenty five. Don't even try it. I would like but because I looked at weights in high school so I knew what weights were, I knew that. And so I was like, is that like is that, is that a lot, is that like for a lot of people and all these meatheads that because if you, if you feign ignorance people then take it ten steps further. Yes. And so you could just bait people in.


I used to get at this, you know. Oh try. I was so good. I used to do this thing when I first moved to New York, I bought a bag of weed and I would say to people, I told you this. I would say to people at the bars, I don't have a place to stay or staying with this dude from the Canary Islands who is like 13 years older than me. And he said it was a he didn't speak English.


His name was Diego, I think.


And we and it was a one bedroom, like a studio. And the first night we drank rum and pointed to a map about places we've been we couldn't speak. And I was like, OK, I'm never staying here again. So I kept my bag there.


I bought a bag of weed at Washington Square Park and I went to a bar in the East Village.


And I it was an old it's like an old track is old trick from college.


You could do any time is good.


Back when you go, you got to hang out with most people, meet a bunch people, you go, you got smoke and they're like, yeah, hey you guys want to win because you guys want to go high and they're like, fuck yeah. I got weed, I got my roommates kind of a dickeys from by the way, he was my roommate was like, dude, I was crushed on the floor. I go from the Canary Islands.


He does speak English. He's got a job. Early in the morning. We go to your place and they're like, yeah, do we go to their place? Smokeable pass out. They're like, Hey, bro, wake up, wake up. And I just did not move here. Let me just go and not move an hour. And then I they go just let them pass out. He's cool and then I pass out. That's how you would crash there.


Did it two nights in a row. Did it two nights in a row. Second night. Right. I'm with this dude. Dan is his name. He's a record. He's a record producer now. Did it with this dude, Dan. Who is obsessed with tool, and this is what we talked about, we smoked weed and all he talked about was tool and my so-called life, and he was obsessed with it. And he was like he was like and I passed out and I could hear him trying to wake me up.


And he was like, come on, bro, my roommates kind of a dick. You can't spend the night here, man.


I can't just have you like, oh, fuck off, fuck it. And he just sat smoked cigarettes hoping I'd wake up and then he passed out. Right. Goes into his. You're awake. I'm awake hearing it. I'm just like, I don't have a place to stay. Was that a fucking park bench. Yeah. So I wake up the next morning, pretend to be pretend to be past hell. I was pretty fucking high.


And the next morning his roommate comes out and his roommate goes, Birte Krischer and I look up.


It's a dude I went to high school with. I go jogging and he was like, Dude, what the fuck are you doing? Here I go. I got high with your roommate. He was like, shut the fuck up. And then I told him, I said, I have a place to stay.


And he was like, stay on the couch. So I lived on the couch for how long? Like a month. And then John moved out. Wait, how did we get here?


From benching to twenty five? I have no idea. So when did you not when did you lose the ability to do that? When we were at Grogan's, I thought I could throw it up easy. You did not. I did not.


I think I hurt myself. When I get the new when I get the new podcast studio to put in a weight room in the parlor, tricks will come up. Lohan Yeah.


You know, the one I used to do with where I'd hold beers out like this.


But all I would do during that, all my favorite things were former front row raises for you here.


Was that really push ups I could do right now?


I wonder how many you could do to. Um, so let me do 10 and I'll tell you exactly what I can do. Really? Yeah, do 10 and I'll tell you exactly how many do the another one of the parlor tricks I could do this is what I used to do all through Europe, was I would say that because I'm American, I know more about the world than anyone else, because we've conquered everywhere.


And it would incents Australians, it would incents British people, it would ensue. I would say this to I would say this at a campfire, like we'd all be like at a hostel or whatever. And I'd be like and I remember I was so much fun because I would say it jokingly, Yeah. And I'm American. And they would understand as a joke. But ultimately people will get upset.


And I had memorized every world currency there was at the time. And I had simply the USA Today on the back page would have a list of world currencies and what they traded at. And I had memorized every world currency and I would say, see, what was the currency?


I got guys, we run the world and we run the economy. It's called American Express. Do you guys have that there? And they're like, what I could do Britain Express? And they're like, hold on. No, you're missing the point. I was like, guys, it's called the USA Today. Like, do you have one of those today? A Britain today? And they were like, You're you're. And I go, I guarantee you, I go, what's the name of your currency?


And they will give me even to our currency. I go, Where are you from? And they go, Britain. And I go, I bet I guarantee you I can come up with more currencies than you know. The trick was they'd come up with the first one, all right. They'd say one and then I'd say one and I would go through all the dollars first. Right? Yeah. The Australian I think it was like the Hong Kong dollar, the Australian dollar.


Like I would go through all the dollars Canadian dollar and they go, you're only know dollars, you only know dollars. And then I go, OK, how about the the rand, the I forget them now, but I knew all of them.


I would then I would go head to head with someone and then I would challenge the whole campfire knowing full well no one could beat me because I knew every single fucking one.


Dude, it was so much fun. I think I would have been a good gambler.


Yeah, I think you could also have like like hosed people as like a parlor trick person. Right. Like, oh yeah. You could have done that. You could have worked at the circus.


And dude, I they had a part of a con man. Now they had a parlor trick that I that I to this day there was a number of these. Do you ever see the one where they have the nail in the wood and they go, you got three hits to get it in? I would think so.


That I lost so much money on that.


What is the what's the gimmick there? It's that it's a it's just hard to nail a nail flush within three hits, OK, like it's going to take for the average person except for this one. Do not show that was with us. He's like, oh, I clean up on that one mate. I was like, what goes I work construction, watch this and just one hit going, yeah.


You're like, oh shit. Guy packs up, walks away. Yeah. Do I take him for so many shell games when I first moved to New York.


Oh I bet outside Tower Records I dropped a hundred bucks on that. It, I'm not done. Don't go anywhere. Why no one. Here we go back in.


Yeah because you definitely like I'm not I'm like I'm like I got this I we went to it, we went to a bar in the Poconos, me and my buddy Eddie and we had a parlor trick we used to do because we had a pool table in our house. I've shown you this before. We put two balls but to butt in every pocket. Right. Everybody's got to and then there's three but to but like meaning all tapped up together in the dead center and its ball in hand.


It was five dollars to buy in thirty five if you ran the table. So you give me five dollars, all you got to do is run the table. Don't miss one shot ball in hand. Open up, don't miss one shot. If you run the table I'll give you thirty five bucks. It's five bucks to play. We made so much money in the Poconos, so much money. People were like fucking Rock'em again because they would they'd mess up super early because they'd hit hard.


As soon as you hit hard, everything's fucked.


And so finally and by the way, I could never do this. This is the hardest thing to do. Yeah.


And so finally, one of the guys gets really fucking pissed and he's like, you've taken like thirty bucks from me.


I got one hundred bucks. Says, You can't do it. I swear to God, all my children, I go rack them up.


And by the way, this is the three quarter things where I'm going like five quarters where I'm like, I don't think I can do this. Yeah, I fucking ran the goddamn table like I had never done it in my life.


I was like Tom Cruise and color of money just hi.


Yeah, I was the fucking that was like probably those victories are better than the birth of a child in my opinion.


Like actually being there. You're like it's a lot of legwork.


It's a lot of a lot of like hanging out, not doing shit once, you know, it's like I was crying. Yeah. Yeah.


Like the actual coming out and you're like, huh. That's still like you're on edge. It's not the greatest thing in the world. You're like, yeah. Is it ok. Yeah it looks purple. What's wrong with his legs. Is it a frog. Yeah. And then they're like, let's take it in the room. You're like, fuck, is there something wrong with it?


The birth of a child kind of sucks, but cleaning the table on the pool run there. Yeah. Or putting fifty bucks on eleven and it hitting. Yeah. That's a real rush. My favorite.


My my by the way I always. Eleven and I love going big and 11, I put twenty five bucks and 11 on time and I said, I'm not going to watch it, I'm going to just look at your faces. And I and it rolled and it hit. And I thought the whole table was fucking with me. Yeah. And it hit an aha.


I want to go gambling.


I miss casinos. You miss casinos. Yeah. I mean when we start our podcast with Warren Sapp, we start gambling on these games. What we should do is put in our picks at the end and then whatever his picks are, put a fucking hundred bucks on each one of those games. You think so?


Yeah. He can't gamble, right? We can't gamble. Yeah.


He's a he's a retired player. He can do what he wants. Yeah. We got to get back into gambling. This has been a great podcast for all over the fucking map.


What would you what's the most you're willing to wager on a game. On a game six hundred bucks. Yeah, because I'm not like a big, big gambler guy, but 100 bucks is fun and a hundred bucks adds up.


If you play like a few games, you get up to like five hundred. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty fun. I miss. I miss.


I just put a hundred bucks on you do the straight but you do the strip at strip.


Strip at maybe a parlay. Well that's exciting. I don't like overunder because I don't like underdogs and I don't, I'm not rooting for the game to be good. Yeah. So I'll bet I'll do like a parlay with like that for the Super Bowl.


I do a parlay with you over in the teams to bet on every FSU game, every FSU game. I put a hundred bucks on FSU to win, to win. And if you, if you Google the FSU Seminoles from 91 to 97, I won a load of money.


Yeah, that's a lot of money.


It is every game that was a good that was a good decade for every game I won a hundred. I honestly don't think I lost.


Who would you bet with Brian Martinez for every game he'd take the action every game and they had to take all the action.


A lot of like Damian did it one year, like we had a bunch of a lot of WS man, dude, every game you it was just like they always had like a ten and one record or a fucking thirty one record.


Yeah. Ten when seasons all the time. You're right.


Yeah. I like, I like the, I like the action on something. I love that. I bet I, I think I told this, I don't know if I bet on them to win a game, some random game in the early 2000s and there was a spread of I think thirty three points and I took that took it. And then. They were up by 34. Yeah, and then they were playing North Carolina and they kicked a meaningless field goal with like three seconds.


How does this fucking happen?


But the emotional ride was exciting.


I mean, so it's so much fun.


Like, I think people really like betting gets a bad rap.


I got I got kicked out, gets a bad rap. It does because it is heroin. What the fuck's their problem.


But done it responsibly. Hmm. It's it's just as much fun as video games.


That's what I say about drugs, drugs, if you do them right. If you take it a little easy, you don't get too hard.


If you don't think about them, it's great. Dude, I remember taking the girls on Fridays. LeAnn would I would go out with her friends when the girls were young. Yeah. And I would take the girls down to Hollywood Park on Hollywood Park, the racetrack, and we watch and we bet on ponies. Really. Oh, so they would do dollar hot dogs and dollar beers and I would in this back. And you could drink and drive.


No kidding. I right. Yeah.


But I've never been a big drinker and driver. But man we'd go down there by the time. By the time I think my sisters would go down was back when I was friends with Lorenzo.


He'd go down, we'd all go down to Hollywood, Hollywood Park and bet on horses betting on horses. It's so much fucking fun to see that's open right now.


I don't know. I mean, I had fun if you're there. And I will say one of the funnest things is going to the turf clubs in the Northeast. Yeah, those turf clubs have gone to the Derby. No. Would you go a hundred percent. Yeah. Should we go. Yeah, we probably should as Dandy's.


Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We said I would go. Is it like Super Dandy's hardcore. Get our beards done up. Yeah. With top hats and shit, oh, what's this, are the ponies running today? Yeah, they're running all over the place.


I mean, you're talking to a degenerate gambler right now in the booth, you know that. Oh, for real. Oh, yeah. Lindop, do you gamble? Yeah. Gambling is the best. What do you gamble on?


There's some blackjack roulette fun. Oh, you like cards. Any type of fight. I'm down with that. Stocks are pretty cool.


Okay. See, OK, so let me let me tell you the my problem with playing poker is I only want to I only want bad beats like me. I don't care about winning the money. I only want to be the guy who plays the game. Right. Oh fuck his head up. Right. Like I only want those. Yeah. I don't know, I'm not good at poker at all.


And I got invited to some poker games when I got out here. Yeah. And I just socially we show up and be like I don't, I don't know what I'm doing to somebody and they'd be like, oh you know, just jump in. And I was the person who, you know, the way I was playing and betting you would see people like, is this guy is he good or stupid?


And I'm not stupid, but I'm not going to tell you. And then, like, they would see the cards you had and be like, the fuck are you doing? Yeah. Oh, no.


I mean, I was not good at it. I went to write out the first right. When I met Daniel Tosh. He was really into poker. Yeah. And we went and played we went and played at the Miami Improv in his hotel room. Just me, him and his friend. We played hold him and he he beat me bad like he it was like a bad he had three of a kind and I had two pair and he was laughing so hard.


He goes, you had to have a guy like you got really into the win, right. Yeah.


So the next I get back to L.A. and he hits me up like Monday and he goes, he goes, hey, you know, any poker tournaments?


And I was like, actually we have a weekly game on like on like Tuesday if you want to come. And he's like, fuck, yeah. He goes, I'll pick you up. It was really one of the it was an odd point in my life because we were so broke. We just had Georgia and I and Toss came over to my house. We had just had Georgia. He was like he was obviously a different guy to maybe I don't know who he is today.


I haven't seen him forever. But he was like a child was depressing to him. So he's like, can we just get out of here? I don't wanna be around a child. Yeah. And I said to Leanna, I was like, candy, one hundred bucks. And she was like, I don't have it. That's like, just give it to me. She's like, Honey, we don't have a hundred dollars. I go, listen, I get it, it's tough.


But just give me the card and I'll get a hundred bucks. And she goes, we don't have one hundred bucks. And Daniel Tosh goes, I'll give you a hundred bucks. You can just leave this conversation right now. And I go cool and we will have to give me a hundred bucks. We pull up to a house and you get there and he goes, OK, we don't know each other. If I go in on something, don't go in on me.


And if you go going or something, I won't go in on you. You ready?


And I went, yes. Did you get everything you want? The whole fucking tournament. He loved gambling.


When when I did, I opened for him. I don't know man. Five years ago or something. Yeah. In Vegas. And he was like going to play some blackjack or something after the after.


And I was like, yeah, but like they're going to like bother you. If we walk in the floor he's like, I'm walking the floor.


And so here he is, the best famous person. Oh yeah. Yeah. And he's like fun.


He has fun with it because he does it right. He does.


And he, he had them, they were like, oh we have a table for you guys. And they had a private table that they just had a dealer for him. Yeah. And he gave me like one hundred bucks for two hundred bucks and he was like, this is yours to play with if you win, like if you make money you just give me my two hundred back. If you lose it's fine. And I was like that seems totally reasonable.


I fucking lost which I thought but I thought that was very nice.


Oh I did that to the guys. When we go to casinos with our group I give everyone a hundred bucks, you know, hey, just, just enjoy it. Like have fun if you don't. I remember doing that to a girl one time I put I go, here's a twenty five dollar chip, we're playing roulette. And she was like, oh thank you. And she put it in her purse. I went, the fuck you doing.


She was like, just give me five dollars. I was like not to gamble play. And she was like, oh oh I don't want to play. And I was like well then give me my twenty five dollars back. She goes, why would you ask for it back. And I was like, I didn't just give you twenty five dollars. I said, hey let's have fun and play like know. And the joke we kept making me or my buddy Eddie was that she went, she bit into it and went, Oh that's a good one.


I'll keep that.


Yeah. Yeah. Real quick before we leave. Yeah. I want I've been wanting to talk to you about this forever. Taping your mouth shut while you snore. No, I think I do.


But the 40 best rappers over forty. Yeah. Will you pull up that article? Because I find this fascinating. We both are into hip hop, but there are people I have never listen to on this list.


Now, what's interesting, about 40, the best 40 over 40 is that it's not telling you. Here's the this is not a list of the 40 best. Rappers alive over 40 they're talking about. The order is based on the work they've done since turning 40. It's an important distinction.


Oh, that's fucking fascinating. Yeah. Yeah.


So they're not just like because I was wondering why this guy's daddy is 40. Yeah. Because he hasn't done anything in life.


Well, it says like yeah. If you go.


OK, stop. So how many projects he's released after forty three. The best project release after 40. So you know, I mean they're, they're not just saying that this person has happens to be over 40 now.


Oh see I see that article and I thought you wouldn't read it. I was like I didn't read it. I definitely didn't read it. OK, so too short. Yeah. That's your boy. Yeah. Man, you and him are friends. Well, I mean, you know, we podcast it. He was super cool. It was fun.


OK. Fifty four. All right. Keep going. Yeah. Just scroll. Just scroll as we go. I was about Siqueiros. Want Busta Rhymes. Yeah. Busta Rhymes is forty eight. Busta Rhymes and of the same age roughly. I'm younger though still by a lot.


Do you see Jay. Hmm. He's forty five, by the way, these are guys my age, yeah, Jeezy, OK, he's only 42. He's young. Keep going, young man. Oh, Cameron, Cameron and you know Cameron and what's name beef and rectifies on Faizal.


Yeah. Yeah, we got to get that thing is wild man. I love by the way and no disrespect to Cameron. Yeah. But his is his text or his Instagram. Yeah. Did not come off quite as liberal as I think he meant it to.


I don't know. I don't know what it is. I know what he said yet.


It's basically like, hey, I have no problem with the LGBT community, but he's gay.


What how did it start. You know how it started. I don't know. By the way, this made me laugh. What is it? This is so OK. This is what Cameron posted. So let's set it up correctly. These guys are based on they're not friends. Right? Right, right. Faizon Love. Oh.


Had said something saying that he didn't believe that Jay-Z was like a drug dealer, a legit drug dealer. He was like, he's never a drug dealer, which I mean, I don't know.


I mean, Cameron, who has had his own beefs with Jay-Z, came out and was like, Yo, man. You got the wrong one. Yeah, this is not the way you're basically you're not right about this. By the way, if I'm not mistaken, Cameron was shot in the arm and went on and did a show. Or is that Jim Jones? I don't know. One of them got shot in the arm and then just went and did the show shot in the arm.


So they're like legit.


Yeah, I ran into them, by the way. I ran into them at the fucking next game.


You're sitting next to us at the table next to us in the VIP section, and Ron starts a loud talking and starts going, Yeah.


Now, those are my guys. Those are my guys. And I'm like, run easy. Like you're with us.


And he was like, Nah, man, that's what I want to drive for. I'll drive for them any day. And I was like, Ron, if you suck. Yeah, I go, Ron, just give you a heads up.


They're not taking their bus driver to a Knicks game and sitting in the box seats, like just giving you a heads up. He's like, ah, courtside. And he goes, nah they are, they would. And I go ask them and he goes, no, I'm not gonna put them on the spot like that. I go, they're not run. They're on dates. They brought each other. I brought you OK, like you're not going to the Knicks game.


And so then so then I just went up.


I was like, Cameron can take a picture with you on my driver. And he was like, yeah, of course he was really cool. Yeah, he was actually him and Jim Jones were really cool. So so to further this, they get into that Cameron's.


No. Come on, man. He gave you is No. Come on, man. Camera, Gembrook, oh, I can't. You have to know where he's going to fucking remember me. So what? Let's see if he maybe answers. Let's see if he answers. But what happens? Nothing. What if I give you his number and you call from your phone? He'll be like, I definitely look for you. He has the story. We met at the Knicks game, but what do we say we get along OK?


OK, here's what you say. Hey, Cam Kila say Kalakala cam. Yeah.


Say Cam. Hey man, it's me, Birte. We met the Knicks game. I invited you to my show.


Yeah. At the Super Bowl. You get that real quick. Hey man, I want to be real quick. Did you perform after you got shot in the arm? I'm doing a podcast, my buddy.


You got to fluff it. You can't just go straight for the fucking fasani called you gay. Okay, okay, okay. Okay.


So you set up your thing. Hey, man, you know, big be like, you know, big fan. Yeah. Big fan. And then you got, you got, you got you got to be like hey man what's up with this beef with Faizan.


I got a I got a sore throat. OK, you just go find insufferable. It's up first. Like real. Will you be me. Fine. OK, you be me. OK. OK. All right. Hold on.


Don't be like no don't be like yo yo, what's up.


And I'm not I'm going to be me. I'm going to be me. If I need you I'll go and you buy me.


All right. Cameron Hey Cameron. What's up is a killer. I can't kill Cam.


Oh shit. Oh, boy. Yeah. Real men wear pink. Go ahead. No, I'm not going to say that he does. Oh yeah. All the time. Yeah, I only saw him in the Knicks jersey. OK, go.


Hey, what's up as a carrot. OK, go on the air. Come on, hang on. OK, I'm nervous. Who is Jenny Harrison with here? I'm dialing, I'm Tyler Kilogramme, nice, I could do that.


Can't do that on a Cameron cam Cam Cameron camp cam if I can. Cam is Burt. I met you at the next game. I invited you to my show at the Beacon. You got it. So, hey man, I have a bed. I'm doing a podcast. My buddy Tom. I was wondering, did you perform after you got shot in the arm or was it Jim Jones?


I'm like, Oh, that was me. And like, oh, there you go. That's the way it bet. And then I'll be like, Hey, what's up with Faizan, huh? He's coming at you hard. He'll be like.


He's not answering this Charlebois message. It's bringing so much I feel like I'm waking them up now. I'm going to hang up is fucking Jesus Christ, does he not have a voicemail? Shall we try to get Faizan on the phone? Yeah, coffee's on. Hold on. Oh, if he calls back in, Payson's on the phone and we can get a briefing right now. You know, can always call Russell Peters, who's friends with Faizan and see if he can connect us.


Jim Jones, should I call Russell or just text Russell? About Faizan Chorost caught on camera. Call me Cameron is calling me Cameron, calling me Cameron, calling me Fuck fuck, fuck, OK.


Oh yeah. Yeah. What's up?


Concerning your God damn it, it's a fucking prank caller fucking. It was a it's not him.


OK, fuck. Did you see how I fucked up? Yo, what's up? What the fuck is wrong with me? Yeah. You went you really code switched on them.


God damn it. Thank God it wasn't him. If he was like, yo, what's up? You I mean, you did you did an octave shift. I was like, yo, yo, what's up? Yo, what's goddamn it.


Who do we know that knows Phase-Out? Besides, I should call Russell.


What about Vince Vaughn? Some Europeans want I don't know Vince on either. What? I don't know. I was just fucking panicking.


Johnny, what's in this video? I think this is actually pretty video is pretty funny. OK, it's so hang on one second. So Cam is calling out. It is. If you read his caption, it's funny because I think he's trying to make sure that he's not not being tone deaf, but. Right. Fairly, uh, just saying. And so he posted this video that Faizon Love posted a long time, which I actually thought the video was funny.


And this is Faison's audition for Brokeback Mountain. OK, ok, OK. So I got you I this is crazy.


I love you. I like to submit my I don't know what genre this is, but empire slash Brokeback Mountain type movies.


Listen, if Jeff finds out I've been messing around with Greg, listen, I think we should take this scene.


Yeah, it's funny. That's legitimately really. Oh, I made me laugh out loud. Yeah. But then Fasani posted this picture at Camron, and this is why I think upset him is camera took a picture with that dude. Yeah. I guess what it Faizan say about it. No, seriously, Cam, what were you saying, boy, boy. Yeah, so by the way, I yeah.


Cameron's post. Can you read Cameron's post. It made me giggle because it was I think it's very making sure it's not coming off tone deaf. Like he had run it by his publicist, Russell Crowe. Russell, read Cameron's post.


Now, before I post this, I have no problem with anybody in the LGBT community. I have people from this community and my family, friends and my source, too.


Eh? What's up, doc? We're recording right now. I hope it's OK. It's out there you way. We got a question for you, man, because you're definitely keyed in on this.


What's going on with the phase on Camron Beef right now that was actually going to call Faizan, do it three way. Three way. OK, let's do it. Yeah, yes.


I'm calling Cam again. OK, you're going to call Cam on right now, but I have no idea.


I got to get an answer. They didn't get me. I won't get it. I won't call him. I won't call him. Call Faizan first.


Let me call on. OK, you're sticking me in this mess. Hey, do you think he knows who I am? Hey Russell. Do you think Faizan knows who I if he knows who I am. I a real pregnant pause, he's on hold right now. OK. It's like, wow, I guess not at all.


I don't think phase one, that's why I have it all, you know, but we do seem cool.


How hard are we going to be on Faizan Syed Rizwan? I mean, like like. Oh, fuck you. You. Hey, listen, we're live. Listen, I don't want to do this to you, but we're live on five times the current budget crisis podcast, so I like to watch it for you. Oh, thanks, man. That's Tom. First of all, you're the mother. Oh, thanks.


Appreciate it, man. Thanks, man. I'm here with Krischer to, you know, Bird.


Oh, that, by the way, for the shirt off on stage. Is lack of no shirt on this right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's calling Cam. They're asking me about the camera thing. I go, I don't know, I haven't talked to them yet, so I'll let you all finish this.


Yeah man we were we're super we're into the story and we just wanted to know, like how we watch this video. We watch the video, which we thought was hilarious that that he tried to call you out on. But like, are you guys is this going to escalate?


No, I was afraid she would never eat the pizza. This is just me. He was never good because, you know, he's a track star, you know. Yeah. Him as his girlfriend, Jim Jones. I like better every time someone see somebody put their hands on his car. Oh, you are the real deal. Never go. It would never go that far because, you know you know, he's not that he ain't like that.




So as far as you're concerned, this is over. Yeah, I just made it this morning, you said the moon rocks and I was like, if he got his little peak, his Piku place and you lost him, I know that sounds good, but he has me because he's such a clown. And my whole point was. I I never thought Jazy, so I just thought he created the whole persona persona, so it was kind of fucked up because these kids like you got to sell dope to be told.


There's no because I think was the best weapons out there to me is Drake's. Nice. He this is not the best seller. Do you know how it started from the bottom here? Well, yes, yes, yes. In all fairness, he did start at the top and still get Degrassi high.


He's clearly had a little bit, but that's the I think the other middle class squeeze. Yeah, that's what I did. I get the same jazy. So that was like, why do you stop, right. Yeah, it's so simple.


So what do you do you think though that that is definitely made up on his part that's fabricated that that he really made up?


Really he's not built like that. He didn't like that. It was a judge in the street with a real clear. This swept the shit out of it like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So let me preface this by saying this is a nice. Yeah, right, right. There's a nice guy I know every time I talk to him, he's been a nice guy, but I know I know people that like, you know. Yeah.


You're saying that like you're saying that in all your interactions and having observed Jay-Z that to you, this dude did not come from the drug dealing world because he's not telling the other half of it.


Yeah, right. Just about buying champagne bottles. We buy cars and shit. Yeah, you can. Is not the money you got to fight. Yeah. It's, it's not it's not a life, but it's not like our lifestyle is the worst television show ever.


Like, hey Faizan. Hey paisan. It's the white guy that takes his shirt off. Bert, listen.


Hilarious. Oh if that means the world. Hey, I've been a big fan of yours for a long time because when you get on interviews, wherever you do interviews, you're just real as fuck. And is my favorite thing. I just watched you with D.L. talking about getting the covid like, oh, like two months ago.


And you're like, well, I got through it. Yeah, that's all it is. I don't go to the hospital testing. Somebody's got your blood. You got it. Oh yeah.


Yeah you're right. He did get the shit. You're exactly fucking right. Goddamn.


I said do not do it down here and get tested. Yeah. You got just what you got. This is okay. Follow it out. Yeah.


Do I've been a fan of yours since since made you were awesome and made and I watched the outtakes and made your amazing and keeping you man. I love watching you on interviews. You're the fucking best and you're amazing on stage. Amazing. I don't want you going to have to wait. Go. What are you going to do. Just I would love to do. Yeah. Get your mom to send me the info.


We'll set it up. Like to see not just the outside, but you see the. Yeah, yeah. Christina Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I got to tell you this, I, I the hardest I've ever laughed at, just a look like somebody delivering a look is you. Enel it's one of my favorite moments when he goes Santa Claus is coming tomorrow and you just shoot him. The look is the fucking funniest thing ever, man.


What is it. I was that was a great time, dude.


It it is like there it is right there. We're looking at it right now. That is the fucking funniest thing. You can't teach that man your brilliant comedic actor too.


So appreciate you jumping on the phone. Thank you. My podcast. Oh man. Thanks Russell to me. I appreciate it, brother.


No time for the I. I'm all right.


What? I, I just awesome Russell just just called him. Yeah, that was awesome. I got to call him right back. We're going to wrap this up. Let's wrap it up. Should we wait for Cam? You've already picked our side. I thought it rang, what would you do right now if it was him? Let's do role play. You ready? Yeah, OK. All right. He hit you. All right.


Hey. Hello. Hey, again. Who's it? It's a bird krischer.


I met you a Birkinshaw. I met you at the next game, and then I offer you to come to my B.K. show. White guy, comedian, I believe that Italian dude, yeah, I'm Italian, dude. Yup. Hey, listen, I want to ask what's going on with you and Faizon Love? Man Yeah, I already agree.


I don't like him at all.


I love that he goes I love that he goes, I'm here with Burgermeister.


And he just goes, who I was. That was great. The funny, the shirtless white guy. And he goes, OK, I get funny as shit.


Yeah, he's great, but he really is fucking funny as shit made.


Yeah. And I love affair. I'm going to tell you what I heard him on say on an interview. Yeah.


And it was like brutally honest, like, like he took swings from the fucking.


Oh he doesn't give, he does not give up. There's like it was not that many people who really don't give a fuck but I feel like I've seen him in interviews and stuff enough be like, oh yeah, you don't care.


He's he's taking shots at even right now. That's him being like Jay-Z.


I mean, you know, he didn't he doesn't not care the way he doesn't give a fuck because he doesn't care to be invited to James's party. Right. He's like he's like he's a nice guy, but he doesn't. Yeah.


I give so many fucks. Yeah. I give so many fucks.


Yeah. But you got L'Isle to help you out if you get in the way of something fucking like oh no one second came I give it a fuck.


Get you off. I'm all right. All right. Come on, let's get out of here. Go get a cocktail. You've been up since four in the morning. Low in and out, bugging a cocktail.


All right. On that perfect accent, an impression. I think we should wrap this up.


Great episode. Thank you. Episode. I love you. I love you too, man.


Burt, Tom. And third one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in bird style machine. There's not a chance in hell they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Vegas. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humour, no apologies. Here's what more call to focus on Katie.