This is how it goes, Tommy, right? Yeah, if at any point my camera's up, you already lost. Yeah, yeah. You've got to have you with us and Alpha Hotel. What a treat.
Oh. Hold on, let me finish my OK. OK. God damn it, I'm like a goddamned barracuda. That was great. I started watering everything. I was like, what, a hundred percent?
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I was just about to compliment you on your tracksuit. It feels pretty good. Is really nice. Don't you like it? Pinstripes are the way to go. Slimming is very slimming.
How you feel about a pinstripe suit. You like what you wear a suit with pinstripes. I don't know if I'd ever wear a suit, period. I mean. Oh, I wonder what to wear. My trial funeral. Trial, funeral court not going to court, you're charged with. Whoa, we should do some fuckin suits, Tom, and now look at that. Look at that black one, right? See if the Stone Brothers and I would like a set up the same brother out to the song Brother US, they sent us a bunch of by the way, we're not sponsored by the song Brothers.
They just send us so much of tracksuits. Yeah, well, it started because you texted me and said, check out this track suit I just bought. And I said, oh my God, I saw that the other day. And I was thinking about buying one. And you're like, we should buy them together. So we bought two track suits and then we never wore them at the same time. Yeah. And then I asked them, this is their stuff, right.
Yeah. This is this is them.
This is not really what is there is their suits here are there. I think so. I speak English. I got they do not speak great English.
I don't think. Wait go back up though.
They have matching masks for their suits do they have. What's winter winter jacket men. Some of these are expensive too are they. Yeah. Yeah. Like a thousand bucks. What. Yeah. Or maybe pounds. That's a hundred eighty nine bucks. It's one of the ones I saw was really nice. Is this their actual site though.
This is Etsy, it's on Etsy but it's there and it looks like go to the sewing brothers have a site, it's on their Instagram page, but we bought their tracksuits and then I put on one of their tracksuits right after we done the the Super Bowl show. Yeah. And I accidentally took ten thousand dollars worth of fake one hundreds. And I went around splashing fake hundreds around in a sewing brothers suit. Yeah. Like a gangster. And then they hit me up and they're like, that's a funny video hit shop.
They're so glad you like our suits. That was our first original one, right? Yeah. Let's go to oh OK. They are legit.
There are news. Beka's damn that's where they are. Yeah.
But the shit I thought the shit that came from Hit Man didn't it come from the Ukraine. Is it not. Maybe the Ukraine. And my mixing them up is you can stand in the Ukraine now.
Definitely not. Well, hang on, Uzbekistan. Yeah, it's real close to the. I think maybe I think it was all in the Ukraine. The Ukraine is more like when you go the Midwest. You know, when you said I'm from the Midwest, that means Ukraine, like they all say pop and soda.
Right. Right. I'll type in. Yeah. I think they just I texted them and I was like, hey, Hans, we're rocking right there. Yeah, pinstripes. I dig it. I really dig it out of these suits I love. I tell you what I like. I'm really into, uh, having something fun to wear. Yes. You know, I used to have a bit about the straight guys, got the shackles of heterosexuality, which were just jeans and a T-shirt.
That was all we were allowed to wear, jeans, t shirt. Maybe you could spice it up with some sneakers. Yeah, yeah. Things are evolving, though, right? Yeah.
And now you can just fuckin use the thing because I do this sometimes where I get, let's say, awesome pair of sneakers or awesome jacket and then you're going to go just leave the house and you look at it and you're like, wow, I can't wear that because that's awesome. It's special. I save it for like and then all a sudden you've had it like six months like. But those are my specials and you know, wearing it. Yeah.
I that's so funny. If I there are there are shoes I won't wear. I bought three pairs of special Adidas. I really got into Adidas lately. Yeah. Yeah. And uh and I won't wear them because I don't want to get them dirty because I want to wear them on stage. But I'm going to have been on stage in a year. So I've had these three shoes, three year old. I'm never fucking worn them.
I respect the show shoes though. I travel with shows. You have shoes that I show, shoes I kept in a bag. Yeah, that's that's when you take it seriously man. I love good show shoes. Yeah. Oh sure. I miss doing stand up right now. I miss, I want to be on tour, I want to be on a tour bus. I want to be fucking hung over eating edibles at night.
Oh I miss that. You know what I used to do. I used to take a CBD gummies. Yeah. And the ones that are jammed in with the melatonin and all that shit. And then I take these mint, these mint flavored edibles and I crush them up. Yeah. And I'd sprinkle them over the gummies and I wouldn't tell anybody. Yeah. And then we'd all marijuana and no one knew.
But it wasn't a lot of marijuana. What I've been doing lately, I've been eating edibles at night and I go, I eat them like around eight and I go oh and this way like a want to go to bed in like a couple at two and a half hours, you know, which is a great time for me to go to sleep like ten thirty or something and then I'll get fucked up and then around ten thirty like when I could be like just close, I go to bed, I'll start to come out of it and I'll start to like sober up now and then I'll be like, oh I got to go in again.
So then I eat more and then then I fall, I fall asleep and I'm like, oh it feels good to fall asleep. Then I wake up to like pee at like two thirty in the morning and I'm like fucking all sober. Now this sucks.
Such sweet, sweet, sweet. OK, let's walk this through because I am dying to.
I have, I have. Oh can someone go to my car and get my edibles.
I think it's haling right now. I just got these edibles for Sleepytime. Oh great. I want you to take a look at them and approve them. OK. Hey maybe I should uh sample them now. David, can we get someone, can we get someone out there to grab my, my, my fanny pack out of my car. My, my keys are in the thing. I just got naked in that room. It's in my fanny pack, my fanny packs in the back seat.
I wonder if I did I take a photo. I have. Oh I didn't take a picture of it. I found photos of you from 2008, July 2008.
Naked, naked fucking post. Those look good. You do. Yeah. I post them tomorrow. Yeah, sure. Postwoman. I could use the heat. Oh these are going to get. But you know the here's the thing I can't get you can't get I don't want you to get in trouble for revenge porn.
Me. Oh really. Oh that's the new thing. Well there's one so good on progress. There's one that you're doing a tuck.
I feel like that one could probably get flagged. Why? That's the one I definitely want posted when you tuck in it. Yeah, but with that no one can see my dick. How does my dick look in these pictures? You can't see them in either picture. Oh, post them right away. One of them you're squatting near top.
That was so fucking quick. Did you break a window with a rock? How did you get in and out so quick? All right. So so here are, by the way, I just got outed for being very fly.
You know, I saw this you heard of a little brand called Gucci. I saw someone wearing one of these. I couldn't remember quite who it was. I thought I wouldn't mind one of those myself. I'm in Vegas, right about to do two sold out shows.
I think to myself. I'm give myself a treat, stop by the Gucci store and I buy one of these and I fucking love it. I keep all my goodies in there. Yeah. And then one day I'm wearing it and the person who I saw who originally had one had it on and I went, ah, back.
And when they say to you, this is meant for women, it was your wife. Yeah I know. And she had it on and I when I bought a woman's. Yeah. Fanny pack she told me she goes Burt bought the fucking fanny pack that I wear. I was like it looked so good on you. And I wanted one but I forgot. I didn't think, oh yeah, that's the one. And it took me until 2019 before I finally was like, all right, I'll try one, and I fucking loved it.
I worked on a flight. I was like, Oh, this is the best.
Hey, this is a new segment on two one cape. What's in your bag?
Here we go. Wow. Yup, it's just drugs, it is all they broke a blunt case, Jesus, I'd like to see some glass, you know.
Oh, smell that.
Where did you get this? Oh, Jesus. Yeah, that looks like some real dank shit right there, man. What? Jesus. All of you smoke these wriggly of rocks in there.
Oh, no wonder I put rocks in there. I collect collected. Dude, get me one of these. What about that one? Where do you get you get these at your store? I don't know what are these here? My edibles. I really have this wrapped like this. I don't know. Camino's, these are Camino's. Have you ever had. Yes. Are these the these are the. Let's see. Let's see. Now, let me see the case here.
So these are so I so here's my deal when it comes to can we put drugs on this show. Yeah.
A little late to ask, huh? Um. They should be fine. These have these are like a CBD one, though, right? It's like infused by the CBD. So it looks like. Right.
Yeah, it's got some CBD in there because it's good friends. These are mild. These are super mild mannered. Really? Yeah. OK, so these I can take one of these here. You're going to need you're going to need more than one. Really. Yes.
I'm out of these five five one. What's five one mean.
It's the ratio of uh, THC to CBD. So here's my here. Let me explain. Let me explain how I work. OK, so these are my little girl, by the way. So these are my party. Go tos. OK, OK. You smoke one of these entirely. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. OK, so these are my party. Goto's right. So go to someone's house.
They're having a party. I step outside and I enjoy one of these and I take my time with it. I don't worry about I have a problem about opening a beer, opening a glass of wine and then not finishing it. Yeah, I try not to worry about that. Like, when I go on stage, when we when I tour that first show, I always pour Cheetos and soda. I always do. I have a big one, but I never touch it.
And then I end up pouring about and then I felt bad about it. So stop feeling bad about it. You get Titos for free. Don't fucking worry about it. OK, right. So then I started doing that with these. These are fucking awesome. These are those lol smokes and it comes in this little pack right.
Yeah it and there are this big they're kind of bigger. Yeah. And then they got little matches right here.
Oh perfect. It's all like self-contained and it's just like this. It's super easy. Is this like a nightly thing. You do not not nightly. Not well not nightly but not not nightly.
And so but this is like so say say like say like you and Christina invite us over, right. Yeah. I go up to your top, I'm going to take one of these, I'm a light it and I'm going to enjoy it. I'm like like five hits. Right. I'll take a hit for two. It's real quick. I wait to feel it and then I'll enjoy it. I'm a part it a little bit. I gonna take another hit, I'm gonna take another hit and I'm, I take one last hit because I go.
You never know what's going to happen later, right. Yeah. Yeah.
And then that's these, these are mini graphs and these I got to be honest with you, I'm obsessed with these because these are great when you're at home.
I didn't realize you were such a by yourself. You're so in and look how tiny they are. Yeah.
And that those are awesome because. How much do you smoke. Not a lot because like these.
So like like last night, last night I knew I wanted to, I knew that I had a busy day to day. Right. I wanted to drink Lanús, one of our signature cocktail. That's her buzz word when she says Mr. Cocktail my dick. It's hard because Dick it's hard because it means because she's got this little fuckin hey, what's the name of my you don't know we have this cocktail thing.
I love that you were asking them what's the name of the thing I have at home. It's a we have this little cocktail thing.
I didn't realize you had this, OK? It's I wish I could I wish I remember the name of it, but what it does. It's like a it's a Keurig type thing, but you put a little cocktail in and it's all the booze is on the side and you hit it and it makes you one cocktail. You can do a double or single, but really like a signature cocktail. And it's fucking awesome. Now, when the S.S. signature cocktail, I get excited.
So last night she got signature cocktail. I go, yes, because what you want to say surprised me, right? Yeah, but that means she's going to have one. The reason LeAnn doesn't have one. That's it. The parties. It's always the parties and it's fucking awesome.
It's always better when the wife goes. You want to you want to get down with a vice real quick. Right.
Like you're like I finally finally I like you.
Finally, I'm not doing this by myself. Yeah. Sitting through little women or whatever the fuck movie you want to watch. But I can't complain cause I'm drunk.
She says last night was signature cocktail and I go, fuck you now here's the other thing, right? Here's the other thing. Yeah, this blunt right there, that's a treat. That's a real treat. This one. That's when you say to yourself, we have ourselves a night. Yeah, it's really nice. It's really nice. What's it called?
What's the, uh. That one is. Oh, I would love it. OK, L. Blunter, really a blunt oh, so that one's really nice, but be careful because you do have broken glass of broken glass everywhere and I think it's in my drugs now. They probably I think this is what happened to Artie's nose. Is that bad? No, I think that's real. And so you also have a toothpick thing there, too. I need that.
We're still having teeth problems. Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I chewed too much on this side. I need my teeth to take a break. I wish I could give my teeth a month off, like where they could just relax not to do anything. Oh yeah. You really do have rocks. Oh yeah, I have rocks in there, so hold on.
So LeAnn says last night, LeAnn says, hey, let's have a signature cocktail. It's so fucking excited. I go and then I go. I'll make dinner. Right. So I make dinner. And one of these would you make I miss your dinners.
I made spaghetti meatballs and cook me a fucking dinner. Oh, let's do that before I leave.
Loved ones go to your house. All we could to bring all these. Your house. Yeah, all this. Do that and watch my kids babysit anyway. So we're down one on each of these. I've smoked one out of each of these. These also come with matches, but the matches are gone. So he says, let's have a signature cocktail. We have a signature cocktail. And I feel perfect, right? Yeah. We have dinner, we open a bottle of wine, we have dinner, and I know I can't open another bottle of wine like that, that's all I'm allowed to have is a signature cocktail and a bottle of wine.
And we're going to each have a glass bottle and drink the rest of it.
But I do want a little over the edge.
Yeah, and that's where these little bad boys come in. Now, these ones are fast times, so.
This is you light this, and I swear to God, you can smoke every inch of this and it's not too much. Yeah, it's just like and it's just like it's just like a one hit.
Or how strong are these?
Those are pretty aggressive. Yeah. Yeah. So when those you got to really take your time with it, you've got to be ready for an evening like you got, you got to watch Snoop Dogg smoke a blunt and he takes his time. Whether he does, it's not he's not trying to get fucking wasted. He's trying to enjoy himself. Yeah. So with a bottle of wine, you take your time with it, you know, not the way I drink it, but like, if you're watching Sebastian do it, he takes his time with it.
Yeah. And he's like, I don't enjoy it. I mean I'm like guzzle, guzzle, guzzle.
Yes. So if I, I've seen you, I've seen you drink wine like it's Gatorade.
Like you fucking fuck that. I really comes down, I pull out, I like here's a deal.
I'm not just there to stand my teeth, OK, I'm there for the buzz. Yeah. Yeah I like the buzz and that's why and that's why I got to pace myself.
Q Cracked the new one. Oh. A more Mangat Mangoma to know, I want to do watermelon mojito, too, yeah. By the way, I'm certain Bud Light seltzer's like, how can we remove all the drugs off the table? Nope. Oh, thank you guys for your sponsorship. Thank you. I pace myself. That's great. Yeah, and so this has been my regiment, but these let me tell you what happened. So we go a couple weeks, go over to San Diego.
Right. I said I wouldn't mind having Sleepytime. And it became what we would call problematic because. Sleepy time. So I've been smoking these wacky times a lot, and the Waki times are fun, they're giggly. You're thinking off the box, you're going to you're thinking thinking of cool ideas, you know? Yeah. Brilliant fucking things. Like, I need to reinvent the fork, you know.
Right. But what about sleepy times?
What does that do? Sleepy time. There's only one time I can remember that I felt like this before. And that was when I went to that basketball game with you and you became your vape pen. And I go and then I was fucking out of it and I was like, what we did this year. Like, I don't know it. Is this an indication?
You're like, maybe. And so I say to the girls, by the way, my girls don't entirely know this. So if you're watching this and your dad's dad, remember, I love you and you never know what year you're going to watch.
Oh, OK. Not this weekend.
So the girls were watching this. I'm dead now.
So, man, just give me give me this put phone.
I got to play you something.
So I loved you. So so I smoked this.
The quiet times. It's called quiet times. Musgrave's quiet times. By the way, this wouldn't just be a great sponsor, a little tiny these these little smoke to be responsive to.
I wouldn't mind some sponsorship of that blunt. So, um, so I smoke quiet times and it does not make me quiet. It makes me super high. And I'm like, and, you know, when you get high and all of a sudden you're like, oh, I'm fucking high. Yeah. And a little bit of panic hits you in. Yes. And then you all of a sudden start realizing all your shortcomings and you're like, well, time to raise this with alcohol.
See if we can meet these feelings, because this is why we drink. All these feelings marijuana is bringing up is a reason we drink.
And then I fucking turn on Netflix and I'm like, fuck, this movie looks awesome. And they're like, What?
And I go, uh. Who were who murdered the morons, Mormons, Mormons? No, but I thought I said morons. And now I'm crying, laughing, going turn on the morons. Only morons get murdered. And the girls are like, What's up with my dad?
We're in a hotel room, by the way. Yeah. LeAnn tells me it's haunted.
I come back, I'm like, Somoza's in the bathroom with me. Am I going? By the way, I am not like Johnny Damon. I can you can tell that I'm. You can't tell that I'm wasted. Yeah. But I am definitely thinking different that voters I found of you naked. I remember I can take myself there. I remember that hotel room and I was and you were like, check us out. And like you got naked.
I was like, what the fuck? Like, what are you doing, man? And you're like, I'm pretty fucked up right now. And I go, I can't tell. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, yeah. Oh, it was it wasn't until Leehan said, we turn on murdering morons. And I fell asleep before the movie started. I mind you, I go, oh, this is going to be awesome, this one to put it in.
And as I say, put it in, I start snoring and I'm like, and they can't hear the movie. And so they're like, what a fun vacation. They're like they're like, Dad, you need to go into your room.
We have adjoining rooms. Yeah. And I don't go into my room. I walk into the hallway, I get up. I'm like fucking half asleep, half out of it.
And I can't get the chain off the door and there, like, where the fuck is he going?
And my wife woke up the next day and woke up the next morning and was like, you were fucking gone.
And I didn't want to go, Oh, that was little Miss Grass. Quiet time. You're such a crazy dad. Holy shit. Yeah, I'm fucking so do the girls.
Now that they're not like little kids, do they know that you like they are fully aware of like how you party or.
No, I don't I don't know. I think they've always been aware. I think they've always said, hey, yeah. I think they've always been subtly where, you know, when marijuana became legal. I think that was like a weird thing because, you know, all of a sudden, you know, parents are doing it. And like in our friends circle, parents are doing it and they're going, oh, yeah, I'd like to have an edible before I go to bed.
And that wasn't like weird, but to me it was weird. I was like my parents. And then my dad started eating marijuana for anxiety and for his back. And he was like. I remember taking Georgia by probably. I probably shouldn't say this because I'm certain this is some sort of child endangerment, but I remember my dad and I were driving down Ventura and he was like he was like, my back is really hurting and I need marijuana.
And I was like, well, why don't I just go in and I'll get you marijuana? You watch Georgia. She's in the car, George, like maybe 12 or whatever. And I went and he sounds like a child in danger to me. I know it's not because it's the same as buying a bottle of wine in California, but I remember buying my dad marijuana because his back hurt and I gave it to him in the car and Georgia's in the back.
She's like, did you just buy Papà drugs? And I was like, Yeah, but it's legal. It's but it's still in my head. Growing up in Florida, you did not do drugs. No.
Marijuana would be so like severe back then. Yeah. Yeah. Growing up, I mean it's no different than it is.
No, it's actually less worse than picking up a prescription of OxyContin for my dad. Yeah. For sure it is. But it's I remember, I remember being like, fuck, did I just fuck my kid up now.
But I was like, oh yeah, I know what you mean, I know what you mean.
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He must be got a DUI recently. He got a DUI and then you got to be prepared to get a DUI like everyone. Like I don't drink and drive. Right, right. Oh, I heard about that. I don't ever drink and drive. But that's not saying that I'm not prepared to get a DUI hit that like sometimes I think, you know, I don't think anyone goes, no, I drink, drive all the time. That's my thing.
Like, but sometimes people go, I'm fine, I can drive. That's part of why you just got to have a strict rule of I don't drink and drive. Do you watch the video? I watch the video.
How is it? You know, it's it's it's I'm a huge doney Johnny Damon fan. So so part of me, you go, I don't want this happening to you. I don't want to see like a guy who I fucking loved watch playing baseball because of the way he played baseball. I don't like seeing him take it and take it down a notch. I like seeing him be soft or not soft, but like but like fragile. Yeah. Because, like, he just it's like what happens.
Well, yeah. Let me explain it first.
I think explaining it better than anybody. Watch he. And by the way, I hope that Johnny Damon's now laughing about this. I don't think is but not so what he does is he. He. It kind of runs up on a curb, kind of switches lanes and then stops way past the stop sign and a cop spot him the whole way. However, he is like a block from his house. So he pulls into his house at his house.
I think it's at his actual house.
And so he got into a scuffle. Yes. Oh, that is that's his fucking wife. That's why you got to be prepared for your DUI like that. You need to think it's the same thing with with Karen's videotaping you. My rule. This is my rule. Listen to what I say. If at any point this is how it goes, Tommy, right. Yeah. If at any point my camera's up. You already lost. Yeah. Yeah.
You've got to have you with us. And for what.
A treat. Oh. Hold on, let me finish my OK. OK. God damn it, I'm like a goddamned barracuda. That was great. I started watering everything. I was like, what the fuck? So.
So your brain is like, oh, it's a treat. That's crazy that I dropped everything he did.
Yeah. And then you're like, wait a minute. I started unwrapping it.
Just take a look at it. What is it? It's a special it's a South American treat.
The delay. Yeah. No drugs in it. No, no, no, no. There's no drugs, man. Thanks. It's real. While. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, my God. Thank you, Karen brought it say thank you, Karen who, Karen who, uh, you know. Oh my God. Her last name is a mouthful. Thank you. Grass has gotten and it's fucking amazing. Yeah, that is amazing.
She got it from the Argentine store. Oh, my God, to do this to me. Slow down, I'm going to slow down, OK? I want to tell you the rest of the story. That's fucking so good. Yeah. You wanna. Yep.
Where? Oh, my God, this is fucking massive. What is this one? This is how Annetts. Will do so and chocolate, that's going to be a good one. I mean, do you just take it to the face, take it, you know, you don't buy it. You can take a bite. But I want to get everything. So I go like that now and do it like this. I mean, you could try.
How goes that? You could put cyanide in here, I believe.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, pussy doesn't taste as good.
Uh, thank you, Karen. Karen. Is the fucking best. Yeah. Or. Outside. Overhung is good. Like when you see people, yeah, you know, that happened, you know.
Yeah, I could eat those things, like I said.
Here, go. How many were left in there? There's only two left, three left. Yeah, there's one left of the half hour. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My head, my head like. It was almost like you can tell, orgasmic, like chocolate. That's fun, it's fun to watch you enjoy it. It's crazy to think that Spanish people showed up in Argentina or in South America. We're like, what do we do with this place?
And then someone was like, let's kill all the brown people first. Well, I bet they were. I bet I bet it starts with try this. And he's like, oh, fuck this. We're killing everyone. Yeah, subjugating them as we get more of these. You guys have any gold or silver? We want that for sure to God damn it.
Yeah. So fucking good. Wait, I got to understand this, though, because we got so many dayman so. I think this is his house, I think his neighborhood is a gated community, so he gets here, he gets pulled over and he's just too fucked up and his and his check, God bless her, she's trying to defend her man, but she gets out of the car. And the second you start getting out of the car, everyone's like guns drawn.
So we in Florida hear a word for I only, by the way, I don't know, but I'm certain we're in Florida, OK? I am certain we're in fucking Florida. You want to just play the clip because Johnny's trying to do all the right things. So right here, he's just trying to be like, hey, guys, I'm good. That's what he's trying to do, is doing he's doing the right things. And shut your door, shut your door, shut your door, shut the door.
Forty four. Hey, back in the car. Let's get back in the car. All right, turn the car off. Stephanopoulos All right, he's talking entirely too much. Yes. Sit back here, all right. What are you doing going OK? OK, stand right here. OK. Any weapons in the car? No. OK, keep in our pocket. OK. Leaning against her car. OK. Hey, what's going on here?
Why is she getting out? Oh, because we saw you. Yeah, it's a traffic stop. You don't get out of the car at a traffic stop. Would you see the police lights? Yeah, yeah, it just happened, right? Yeah, yeah. How much you had to drink tonight? Oh, a little bit. Just a little bit. Yeah. All right. So, you know, one of these multiple times. Just say I well, I've been behind you, you left your lane multiple times and you actually struck the curb at one point on Main Street and then the stop sign back there, you stopped all the way past the so far the white line on the ground.
You have to stop behind it and shut your door. OK, this is where I have a problem. Stay there. Hey, stay there, sir. Sir, stay back over there and listen to them. Step over there, OK? Stay in the car, man, and break in. Yeah. Stay and get back in the car. This is where the real legal problems stay. Here we go. Resisting arrest right there. Stand over here.
Hey, we are watching someone else again for resisting arrest right now. I will not get back in. I'm going to get back in the car. Right. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Oh, boy. Touch me. Don't touch me. Let go. My heart. Hey, if you have to realize. Actually. Hey, we are. We are. Turn around. Turn around. Turn around. Turn around. We're turning around.
OK, we're OK. Hit pause.
Hit pause. Because there's a lot more of this.
This is so good. This is so good. It's, it's, it's Johnny Damon's not known for his, his speeches so like he's not like he's I don't mean this like being a mean person but he's not like the most intellectual baseball player they ever had, like guys like him and Lenny Dykstra, they were just guys that fucking went ared. Yeah. And that's why you loved watching them play. Yeah. Man, so that's when I say get ready for your DUI, right?
This is what I mean. This is what you got to do. This is what you've got to get ready for. You got to remember this. Your wife gets out of the car. No, your words quickly, sir. Taser. That's it. Yeah. Taser. He should have just said, sir. Taser. Yeah. And then and then, by the way, I bet he gets out of it. We've got tasers. His wife feels bad.
Johnny Damon, he just fell out when she hit the ground.
By the way, what what I know you have tasered. She she's had the fucking car.
Yeah. Yeah. You'd be like taser, taser, taser shooter.
Don't try to kill her, but definitely fucking take her down. Yeah. Hit her in the quad. That's why I'm saying in today's society, you cannot think you're going to figure it out once cameras are on it.
We're going to watch the rest of us. Don't you fucking think we're not watching this?
Where do you see the most gullible guy in a fucking magic trick? The. The way. Make it full screen, the way they handcuffed Johnny Damon makes me believe you could do like a three card monte to him all day long and I'd be like, I lost it again.
Let's see. Let's see. Honey, this is too good. I don't know what you're doing, because he's not he's. OK, so listen to this. He's trying to get out. Listen to what he said.
What? Walk home, OK? Secure her right now. Well, will they do if they walk home and walk? Hey, what are you trying to get away right here? What. What? Oh yeah. Oh, the body cam fell on him. Fell. Listen to what he says. OK, I'm not. Yeah. You are walking away. Hey, do you want to vote for me? I want the blue light blue lives matter.
No blue. Let's just sit down for me. All right. All right. Well, thank you. Hey, bro, I voted for Trump. And I know people are trying to get a Trump supporter. I don't think that they're doing it. Yeah, yeah. So you got pulled over, this is hip hop. This is why you have to be prepared for your DUI. Yeah. Now I'm starting to think you got you can't you can't let your tongue slip thinking not everyone.
Have you ever seen Reese Witherspoon? DUI? No. That one lined up next. So this is why this is why you need to be prepared. The second someone's cameras out, you've lost. Shut your fucking mouth. So you're so right. I'm I'm wrong. So I go back to the beginning, though.
So this is the cop, right? And you're Johnny? Yes, sir. So shut the door, I shut the door. I'll tell exactly what to do. I've already I've already planned my DUI. OK, interior lights on, hands on. The thing guy comes up to you. Be the cop. I'll be back. What are you doing over here, man? What are you doing? I was just trying to get home, sir, OK?
Because you were you kind of swerved between lanes. You hit the curb, you stopped the head of the line. How much you had to drink tonight?
I have been drinking. How much? I've had quite a few. OK, so we need to step out of the car, sir. You might as well just do the field sobriety. You've been drinking. I deserve a DUI. OK, come on to jail with me. Yeah, yeah, and then you know what happens, none of this shit. Oh, you're already going to jail. You're fucking wasted. Yeah. You're not talking your way out of it.
You be honest. You own up to it and just to you.
And you take your fucking DUI Bourke-White, you got a DUI and you've got to pray to God you're ready for your fuckin mug shot.
It's going to be by the way, I don't want you to get one. I won't. I won't. You could heavily monetize, but Christ, you're getting a mug shot.
I mean, that would be a great shirt to. That would be a razor. Yeah, I, I will not don't want I will not drink and drive and I just don't drink. I just know that I don't actually have a rule all the time.
I've known you as much of a party psycho as you are. You've been the most responsible driver that I know. You never, ever, ever drive after drinking. Do you actually show up? I've always not in your car.
Like I never drive to the point where I almost didn't buy another car because I was like my business manager was like, you don't drive. I don't know why I've never driven to the store. I've never I've driven the store once or twice during sober October. Yeah, but here it gets well, keep going. Favorite part is when he gets handcuffed. I think he's already. No, no, no. He's not handcuffed yet. He's doing a field sobriety.
OK. Neither here nor there right now. That's not why I'm talking about this, where are you guys coming from tonight? Oh, London house. London house. It's a guy who has a lot of money, these corporate taxes. And that's why Google London House did then. Hang on. Having a good time there. Yeah. So, OK, watch this field sobriety. Now, here's where I think they're still doing your right heel to your left.
How they go. You can start whenever you're ready. All right. You can move it a little bit more now. Once they had him stand on one foot and I said I couldn't even do that sober. This is horrible. Yeah, there's a professional athlete. All right. One, two, three, four. That's where I go. I'm actually doing that with my trainer, and I can't do that sober. Really? Yeah, I said, OK, now hip hop.
Hip hip hop is this is. I love Johnny Damon. Yeah, I say that again. Yeah. This is where I go. I've never seen someone tricked so easily in my life. Right. Watch the way they put handcuffs on.
Oh yeah. When they're like, oh here we go. I don't know what it is saying with your feet shoulder width apart. You can't put your arms out like this, kind of like back, kind of like you're flying like Superman. Yeah. Yeah. And lean forward just a little bit. Now you're going to shut your eyes and count down from 60 to zero six zero down to zero. Sixty eight track. Right. Just keep counting for me.
Just keep kind of like you're still counting. And the guys companies like you want to keep going.
Keep going, Johnny. So are you guys doing on my watch. Yeah. Keep going. You still got up. You still got man for our look at those four. He is a fucking animal bro. You have another set of consequences. Well, I'm not. I'm not. Now he realizes what's happening. Like, wait, I'm not going to tell him. You just got big risk. I know you got big risks. I'm just measuring your wrists.
Yeah. Just trying to see if you're not trying to hurt you, OK? I keep counting on it. Does he added up here. He's like, no, he's not. He's counting. He's still counting or still counting. Oh man, that is sad. I got a guy I got just walk up there. You think you want to keep counting. All right. Just go and have a seat real quick. Thank you. Yeah. No, just the rest.
You just go rest here for a minute. My legs are killing me. I'll be right back with you. Yeah, we're going to talk about this later. Holy shit. Did the lady get arrested? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me talk to you and listen, man, you got to respect a woman who's going to fuckin fight a cop for her boyfriend. Yeah. Had they been African-American. Yeah. None of this would have happened if we'd gotten away super easy. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. They would have been like you guys go be on your way. If they were black, they would have been shot the fuck off with that door open.
Hey man, shut your door pop up like he didn't shut the door. I love the thing. The thing I'm. I can't stand. I know I'm going to get caught one time. I understand it. I've I've been caught in the past. Woman videotaped me with my mask on. She was like, there's no I'm not wearing a mask. And I'm like, you're a cunt.
Said it loud. Couldn't help it, where are the videos out there, I'm sure. Where was it? On my street. Oh, really? Yeah, I called her a cunt. I had a dream. I kicked a woman in the chest. I had a dream. Now, like they say, you do stuff in the dream that you'd really do. Like, I don't cheat on my wife in my dreams and my dreams. I will cheat on him.
I kicked this woman in the chest and I thought all I thought was in the dream, she was really close to me. And I was like, you're going to give me coronavirus and sort of push her back.
I did it with my foot and I fucking kicked her through a window and I went, I wonder if that's in my DNA to do that to someone, someone like because there's a certain thing that happens when you like.
You can't deny. Your badness, like your badness, is inherent and it's in you, not all of us are Christians, not all of us are coming out.
Did you get Reese Witherspoon DUI? She I mean, Reese Witherspoon, everyone loves Reese Witherspoon, yeah, everyone she actually I remember the article about this like, do you know who I am? Right. Yeah.
And that she wasn't ready for a DUI. Yeah. You kind of get she thought she could she thought she could skate around this. That's the. Now, what does this say you to do? I'd like to know what's going on. Are you going to be a U.S. citizen? I'm allowed to stand on American. What the fuck? But you can't let any of these words out of your mouth. A lot of this, though, I feel like people just weren't raised right.
Like, don't you just know, like when when a cop is, like, feeling like cuffing people just to be like, yes, sir, I'm chilling. I'm sorry, tired. I sit down right there. I'm his I'm her boyfriend. I say to the cop very politely, take her down to the ground. He's like, what am I? I'm cuffed. I do it. Yeah. You need to take her down, man. Take her down hard.
You have a baton. Yeah, I can use it across her fucking. She does exactly what I say. Handcuffed on my back. LeAnn comes out and says I'm a U.S. citizen. I go check that out, check her back pocket. She got a soft left shoulder. Take her down.
I would be so livid. This cop's about what happens here, OK?
Oh, anything I want to ask you about? Yes. I don't. I can sit and I don't get a car sitting there all the time if I'm at home watching the opening of the show, I guess a lot recently. Yes. You have you down by your order. You don't have nothing. I have to obey your orders, you know, being arrested in handcuffs. Yes. You know my name, sir. No, you don't need to know my name.
Not quite yet. I guess I to find out who I am. I'm not really worried about you. So I told you I think what you want to know and get off of my investigation. What do we have a law for that sort of your justice? Yes. Really? Yeah. I'm an American. Yeah. Go sit down. Wow, that's interesting. It's amazing. By the way.
I want to drink with that. Reese. Yeah, I want to meet that Reese. I want, I want to, I want to I want to show up to her house. I don't want her to have a glass of wine like kind of spilling out with the bottle here. And she's like, are you ready to drink with an American citizen? And I'm like, fuck, yes, that's the seat.
That's who you know, it's interesting because that's who she is. She looked at the ground for her mug shot.
Oh, let's pull up some good mug shots, by the way. She is still gorgeous, and that was the guy who is that guy, Ryan Philippe. Who is that? I don't know, that's her boyfriend at the time, by the way, you need to like oh, here's the other part of that husband. You need to allow her to be deeply embarrassed because. Because I am certain. I am certain she was fucking.
Oh, when I was going to ask you if that was a Liane's hometown they're in. And they were in Atlanta, Georgia. Yeah, they were in Georgia. She was shooting a movie shoot Legally Blonde.
I was to say James was James Toth. Is that is he an agent? Yeah, I know that guy.
Yeah. Type in, James Todd. See what company works for, by the way, that we might have just fucked up our careers.
Talent agent. Yeah. He's a fifty one years old. He could take me in a fist fight. Yeah. Yeah he was six one. He was a I think, man, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. Whoever has him as their agent, yeah, it's a good agent. Did he say a fucking word? No, because he was ready for his DUI. He was ready. He said, hey, man, got me.
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But he should have been ready if you should have said take her down because then once he takes, once that cop takes her down she's not speaking anymore. Yeah. And that's what you want to do. You want to cut those words in half. Lee-Anne comes out Berkner Yapp because she's had a few signature cocktails. Yeah. How come she got real mouthy when she drinks.
Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah.
The fucking redneck comes out in her. And if it's been gin, we're going to jail that night. If she's had some gin and a cop says something to her that she catches sideways.
Yeah. Come on, man. She lost her virginity when she was in her teens.
A young teen. I think Twelve's or something.
I don't know. It was you see the Woody Allen thing, the Woody Allen does speaking.
What a transition, dude. Fucking Taser man. Garrison, shut the fuck up. I have a career I have to worry about. Right. That's my point. It's like we had we had a business here, Liane. Maybe to get mouthy to a cop. Sir, you're going to have to be a cop.
You just go body slam and, you know, body slam, pick her up and just fucking body.
I swear to you. I swear to you, Tom. I swear to you. You will. And I'll probably get in trouble for this if I ever get arrested and LeAnn comes out and it's and it's you will hear me say, take her down.
I'm being dead serious cause I do not want to ruin my career over what you don't know.
What if she's permanently damaged? Like, describe it. OK, um, she, uh, well, she like breaks a couple of bones, right. Like cracks a rib and then she has like, um, just like maybe some memory loss.
And she and she has trouble, like with words like she already fell in her face really hard one time. That's true. The teeth went through her lip. Yeah.
I think she had a stroke. So you're not worried about it. That look, she comes from sturdy stock. If I got to be honest, I don't want to be married for I don't be married to her, if she can't take a few punches from a cop like that's a woman I fell in love with, a woman who, if shit went down with a cop, she's in on it. Yeah. Do you want to be married to the kind of woman who can't get taken down like he was going to check that like the get out in a bikini and the cop just over to the ground and then she goes, yeah, guy deserved it.
Yeah. And I, I just made that up, but. Yeah, you got to get in the world we live in, you're being videotaped all the time, through all the time. When you think you're not being videotaped, you're being videoed all the time. That's true. I've done so much shit that's been caught on videotape where I have cringed, not even realizing when I worked to travel to. And I remember just talking and just talking.
And I remember my sound guy, Eric Beeny, going, Hey, man, we're recording you. And I was like, yeah. And then like, people will watch these tapes and then some people will grab that and they'll have that and they'll hold onto it for the rest of their lives until you become famous. And then they'll go. What about Bert standing outside Cedar Rapids giving it thought about dot, dot, dot. And I'm like, holy fuck, you guys do not speak.
When they go, he goes, You're Mike the best I can.
But do I listen to some fucking audiotapes of, you know, of other people? I had this one cat, one sound guy one time, not my buddy Eric Beeny, right. And another sound guy, not John Sayles either. It was a guy I didn't know, but I knew that these two guys I trusted, John Sayles and Eric Beeny, I trusted when I started talking shit, they'd cut my mic no matter what it was. They cut my mic, meaning they can't hear it.
No one can hear it. Cut my mike, drop my mic. So one time I'm working on a show, brand new production for travel, brand new production down in New Orleans.
And I say to the sound guy, you got to I'm dropping drugs everywhere. I say the sound guy. I said I said, I mean, are you are you cutting my mic when when I'm off? And he goes, nope. And I went, is that like, would you cut my mic? He goes, I don't do that. And I said, Who have you worked for? And he starts telling me, I said, You ever have any compromising audio of them?
And he goes on my computer. So you maybe want to get a cocktail tonight and listen to some of that and go. Sure thing. And he played me compromising audio for so many fucking celebrities that I went. I was like, fucking note to self, yet you're not yourself, but don't remember the note because there's no way you do you definitely. I'll tell you off air, I'll tell you off air exactly what it was.
Was it like some Papa John's stuff? Yeah. And I was like and he was like, man, God does me dirty. It goes everywhere. I was like, Jesus was like, holy shit, not my town sound guys, my town sound guys. John Sayles, Eric Beeny fucking always took care of me. Always took care of me. You second anyone stopped doing audio. They drop your audio levels. No one hears you at all. They would, they would go as far as these two guys would be like because sometimes you do a pilot or you do a show and they'll give ears to all the insects and the people that work at the company.
So you're doing so say you're doing the thing with Travelocity. Travelocity shows up, they give ears to Travelocity. They can listen everything. By the way, it is fascinating to get yours because you hear everyone talk.
Everyone talk. You know, John feels they're being pulled me aside. Everyone's got ears. I'm dropping your audio. The second we're not recording. Should I tell you that what happened to me when I did remember? I mean, you know, we know we knew each other when I got the subway campaign, like, if I can 15 years ago with Jared. Yeah. Oh. So we I saw the way it goes is there's the first there was the first audition where I fucking murdered.
Right. Yeah. So you get the second callback.
Had a great audition, then third callback was with the director, and this is for a campaign, so we're going to do a minimum of 10 commercials together, right?
Twenty five years old. And I go to that audition and it's the same day that it's the same day I'm headlining a show for the first time ever. So I'm like, fuck, and all I'm thinking about is my stand up said. And I remember that the director was like, say, like this and give me a line reads in the audition and I'm like doing them. He's like, No, no, let's say, like, you know, I really want that.
I'm like, oh, really mean. There's no say like I really like and I'm I don't know what's not working with him. I'm like, what are you doing. But I'm trying, I leave there. I'm like that didn't feel good. Later on, like a week later they go, you, you got you got it. And I was like, OK, great. And they book it and we flying out to New York and then we're shooting in Jersey for a few days.
They're spending like three, four million dollars shooting the first few of these. Right. So it's like a big commercial campaign. So I have a meeting with, like some of the staff there. You know, we're doing like wardrobe and going through the stuff. And the guy's like Yemen. I don't know if we're going to use your not because you bombed that last audition so hard. And I was like, really?
He's like, yeah, I go, I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. Like, nothing made sense to me with this guy.
The director the director said kind of weird shit to me during like the wardrobe meeting and stuff. And I was like, I don't really I don't know what's going on with this guy. So we go shoot and he's doing like weird shit again, say it like this, but go like when you do it like Saili and then do this with your face. I'm like and I'm looking at the producers like, what the fuck is what kind of direction is this?
This is crazy.
So we're like we're like most of the time, most of the way through, like the first day. And I grab the producers that were at the auditions and that like we're fans to they're the ones that ultimately like we want to work with this guy.
I go, hey, so how many of these are we going to do? And they go, well, to start we're going to ten. And then like, if the campaign gains steam, you'll just be shooting these.
Like, just constantly I go, are we going have different directors? And they go, Yeah, I go, thank God, because this guy's out of his he's a fucking asshole. Oh my God. And then they're like, oh yeah.
And I go, what he's what is he saying? I go he's saying like say like this like I go make this face. I go, nothing makes any sense that he's saying, oh I know.
So this is going then they're like OK. They're like yeah no they'll be different directors and then we. We break, we go to lunch. And a couple of people kind of look at me and then he pulls me aside, oh, man, oh, I've been there, yeah. And I was like, What's up, man? He goes, What's up?
Oh, yeah. Fuck. Oh, I'm getting yeah. He's like, uh. How are it's going I go, you know, it's going all right, I guess he goes, Yeah. Yeah, maybe, um, maybe when you get back to L.A., take some, uh, acting lessons or something, you know, like go what's that? Because you take them, maybe take some acting lessons. I go, yeah, I think I should do that.
And he goes, Yeah, I do. I go, yeah. Have you directed things before. He's like, I've been a director for like 25 years, and I was like, Oh. Because I really couldn't tell. And he's like. Or you can't tell, and I was like, I just for me, I guess, you know, I'm not much of an experience. I just thought they were putting with an inexperienced director. So maybe it's a match, you know.
Oh, my God. And he's like, OK. And then he's like, yeah, you know, it's just, um. Don't forget that. You hope this stays on, and I was like, all right, and then talking, so I thought I was like, these are going to be the worst few days of my young career at that point and the next day. He actually was like, ah, when you walk out to here, just like Riffe, just like, you know, the direction was like land here.
Here's the here's the topic. And Reve and I reffed and they all started like how? Like cackling really. And then they Korkut he goes, that's why we hired you. Like I was like I was like, OK, cool. He's like, this is this is who we wanted you to be. And I was like, you, you I still don't know what the fuck you're talking about. So and yeah we did if we did a few more and then it never got picked up.
And those by the way, those commercials all exist really well we shot two or three, but they've never been released, you know, because they're still in jail probably. Yeah. It's weird. I have his phone number cause he didn't even call. Do you really have a phone number?
Unless I deleted it from my phone number.
Uh, I see. There's no way it's alive. No, still it's still in there. Just call it, just call it. Just call it. I guarantee you the guy that got his new phone number gets it all the time. Yeah. And he pretends to be Jeret.
OK, here we go. It's got to be disconnected. Derek Vogel.
Say Jared Fogle. Tom Scurrah. I'm on my podcast.
See, it's definitely a prison. Oh, my God, Tom, if he has that same phone in prison. In. What have you got? Tom? I pray, answers and answer the phone. But. Uh uh. Do you have a fucking voicemail setup? It's his phone cell D doesn't have a fucking O now and then just cut it didn't go to voicemail. The person hung like it.
Just we should put that number out, see if anyone else can get.
He's still in jail. What was he doing? He was fucking little kids. I think he was on he was on the line, right, like I think they found him. He was like flying little girls in to have sex with him, right?
I don't remember at 15 years old, know 15 years is what he's sentenced to. Oh, he should be getting out soon.
Said eligible for parole like twenty twenty eight or something. What did what was the actual. Because I don't remember I remember they had to do with child distribution of receipt of child pornography and traveling to engage in illicit sexual contact with a minor.
Give me an age. Oh, my God. Uh. What the fuck is wrong with him? He seems younger than 18, younger than 18, that's young enough for me, I got a fucking 16 year old listen follow knew the victims were younger than 18 and that they were being secretly recorded. In some cases, he knew their names, addresses and socialize with them in advance in Indiana. Oh, my God.
Oh, fuck. You know, I remember I think I've said this before, but, um.
So on the first night we shot in Jersey, you go back to the city. We were staying at the w one of the there's like four W's in New York. So we go back and he's like, hey man, you to split a pizza.
I was like, I mean, don't you have to eat fresh bread like that? Right here. Yeah, I got a pizza. Now I go, OK. And it was he had his buddy like his friend from, you know, childhood or something. And they're like they're such dicks to him.
And I was like, who? He's like the subway people. They're always like watching his weight. Tell them, like these gaining weight again. And he's like, yeah, such fucking bullshit. And then he just orders like an extra large piece. I was like, yeah, okay, cool man.
He was, he was just a dork, like, you know. Yeah. The guy, that's exactly how he was. God damn it man. And he got to I'm telling you this the this thing. Yeah. Mike's always on. I was trashing this guy in his ear.
I've trashed, I've trashed so many people.
Guy's a piece of this guy fucking Durex terrible. And he's like, remember I've had so many interesting. It's I feel like I was really lucky to get to do television in a way you can fuck up and it's not going to go viral kind of way because I fucked up so much.
Yeah. I mean just fucked up. Like I remember doing a pilot get so excited and I was like, I hope this goes. And remember the director goes, really. I said he do you want to do this for the next 10 years? I was like. What do you mean he was like I mean. It seems like a great pilot, but how about this, I remember drinking goes how about we do really good on this one and they hire us again for something else?
And I went, OK. And he goes, but not good enough to have to do this for 10 years. And I was like, what kind of pilot was this? I can't tell you because it's so specific. You can Google the guy's name.
Oh, by the way, I ended up working with this guy three other times. Oh, you did? I loved him. I loved him. I tell you name his name off, but he was just the fucking greatest. He was just like he was a real fun guy. And because of that, we worked well together. And then whenever he had a job, he'd be like, you need to get Burt. He's great. He'll do a great job.
And then you get there. And I was like, is this something I want to do, work hard on? And he was like, Oh yeah, this is a good one.
Or take kind of take a break on this one. He'd be like maybe like, come on, what are you going to do. But we had I had so much fun working with this.
This is by the way, that's exactly how auditions go. You get an audition for something, you're like this is an A and then you put everything into it and you tell your agents are like this, this is really great, man. And then you send it off and you just never hear again.
Yet you're like, did you send it? And they're like, we did. And everybody here thought it was great and you're like that. So I was like, is anyone going to?
And then like, we'll follow up and you just never hear.
And then the thing you're like, this is fucking stupid and you don't prepare for something like this. What they want you they want you to eat fucking meatball subs with Gerard.
I booked I booked a role on the Shield as a cook. Yeah. Without having to read really. I walked in the room and they went, that's our guy. And I went, do you want me to read any of the sides? And they're like, No, no, no, no. You're a guy who's watching a black guy fuck his wife. And I was like, you just look at me and you think that's what I look like.
And they're like, yup. I was like, oh my God, it yeah. Oh, this is me. Yeah, this is me. Oh, you. I've ever told you the story. Yes. Yes.
What's that girl's name. There you are.
Look at that. I'm playing with my dick. I really fucking killed this role. Yeah, you did. That was really good. And they talk to you here. Oh, yes, she got mad at me, you know that right now. Oh, yeah. Oh, she got mad at me for what? Uh, for touching my dick. Well, that's the part, though. Yeah, I know. I told you jacking up to that.
Hold on. Hold on, hold on. I haven't told you the story.
I remember you telling me the story about about this part and everything.
So, wait, so this is actually a pretty good story and I'm not trying to put this lady on. Do you know I have told you. Right. OK, yeah, OK. I thought I told it. I don't mean to put that lady on blast. Don't put that lady's face on there, OK? Because I feel bad. She just I was taking my role very aggressively, let's say. Oh yeah. You kept playing with your day.
No, Michael Chiklis is like I like the choice. I go out and use those who are going to hold her back there. We're going get some shots of you playing with your dick. OK, but don't you need to see it? Just you do it. You're doing a good. So you said that the window play with your deck and we're just going to get some tides and it sounds like for real now, I feel like an actor.
I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like Tony. So I go over to the window. Like action, so I'm looking out the window, you can see they use some of the shots of me playing with my dick and my dick starts getting hard and I'm like, OK, Mike. And then and like, I'm doing it for like a minute is a long time to play with your dick on camera. Yeah. And then I'm like, wait.
Are they going to cut like did I just keep going and then and I just imagine Michael Chiklis sitting in Video Village next to the director.
Let's see if he comes. Let's see if he jerks off. I bet he jerks off. I got 20 bucks.
Says the kid comes in his pants type in alpha male. Yeah, well, let me get real quick, Lyman. Alpha male as in males that you'd send. And then type in Burt Krischer. I wonder if this is on their OK, go down alpha male on Vimeo. OK. What is this? OK, so this is a pilot I shot. OK, don't worry about the fucking acting. Don't just scoot forward into the sex scene. It's towards the end.
Oh, my God. You look so sexy in it. And I got rock hard and was all but jamming it into this.
Oh, shut up. Shut up. Just keep going. Keep going, keep going. Keep going, keep going. Like this. Like a fat fade. I got the job. Just got to the sex.
I definitely want to see this sexy sexy mail carrier. I'm a mail carrier who doesn't realize it's funny to see is that hurts.
Keep going. Your face is ridiculous. My face is so. But it's such a good loser. Is that you. Yeah. Happy birthday Ricky. By the way.
That's that's Bruno. Who's the guy in the city slickers. Oh yeah. I just had to wait. What was this pilot shot for?
Say go. OK, OK, here we go. Here we go. Go back. Go back. That's a sex scene. OK, can you play audio on this? Is there music playing on it? I don't know. So, yeah, so this young lady, I don't know her name, but she is she was hot and she is and we grind in there.
And I was wearing those male carrier pants and they're like, I think I think we may see your ass or can you, like, take your pants off? And I was like, look, I look so cute. You look cute.
You had a nice head of hair. I never shaved my beard. I almost remember her name. Oh, that's right. She was in a wheelchair. And that was a weird way to walk away from that. And so. All right. You don't have to have real life. No, no, no, no. She's beautiful. And so we do the sex scene. She is in no bra, right? Yeah. And like, you can't deny the fucking little things.
And she's in, if I'm not mistaken, she's in like boy shorts, like little type boy shorts, meaning like panties. But that go a little bit her leg and they're like, can you show your ass a little bit? And I was like, what do you mean the like I think we're going to see we want to see your ass. So people. And I was like, yeah, sure.
In my head I was like, there's no way I'll I'll get hard. And however it happened, my dick went out of my boxers, out of the pants and was out and I was like grinding on or going. And they were like, keep going, keep going. And I was and I had to stop like three times. I was like, I wanna come.
Oh, I think I haven't done this. So the tickets go back. Let me see this fucking sexy again. I just want to actually like a second. But we did we shot it for like five minutes. Yeah. And I'm like, guys, I don't fuck this long.
Wait, is this is this like in like this. So who paid for this. Uh, I think they can but they tried to sell this. Yeah, they tried to. I think they tried to sell it. He's got great skin, you know. I mean, it's like, did she say anything about your heart on how she was cool as fuck?
Yeah, you know, that the actress called was actually cool.
She was like, yeah, I'm sure this is the same way that there are creepy dudes out there that would only make a movie so they could do that to a woman. There are cool chicks out there that are like, hey, man. It's OK and then I'm sure they're fucking disgusting women that would make you feel like this big for it. Yeah, yeah. Just good people are good people. That was a good person. Yeah. That that was a by the way, now everyone can find that fucking.
I just realized everyone's going to find that fucking movie. The viewers are going to get a million views also and someone's going to go hey man will want to buy Alpha Male now and I'm going to end up shooting that goddamn fucking movie.
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And we thank you for sponsoring this podcast. So back to the topic of Woody Allen. Did you watch that? No, I know, but I got to be honest with you, I'm not rooting for him now in life. So, like, I don't really care one way or the other, like, I already kind of, like, not cancel them, but like I never liked him. I never liked his movies. I didn't get them.
I also do.
Yeah, I was I was thinking along similar lines where I've seen movies, where I go like I enjoyed it. That was good movies.
I mean, I've seen a couple that I go, that was what the one time I saw him sneeze and cocaine was funny, but that's all a nanny hall. I didn't like that. Is any home. Oh, I liked it.
I guess, um, I liked. Let's see. And that's the thing is, I don't really. OK, so I'm kind of with you when I go. I feel like my whole life I've been told that he's amazing and everything that I see, I basically go like. I guess it doesn't speak to me like I don't know if it's like not being a neurotic New Yorker or whatever, but don't speak like I don't I don't see what the why people are like so, so excited by him.
I just I don't know.
I mean, I got I told someone I told a very famous comedian one time I was working with him and he was like, what do you think of Woody Allen? And I go, I don't know, man, are you didn't fucking kid or something like that. And I didn't do the research, but it's still enough research for me to go. I don't know, man. You watched the child grow up. I understand it's not your biological child, but it it reeked of creepy to me.
Of course, like, I don't I don't know if I don't know, but I don't really care a ton if his actually I don't know how old he was.
So he's eighty five right now. Fuck. I didn't know he was that old. That's pretty fucking old, but like, I don't know I don't know if Mia Farrow is bitter. I'm sure she is. I'm sure she's angry. I don't know I don't know if he molested his children. I'm not certain I'd assume you'd believe a child. I also know that Mia Farrow is an actress and most actresses are really fucked up. Real crazy. Yeah.
And so I don't know all I know I saw that one. That one was pretty good. Mighty Aphrodite.
All I know is that I knew that he dated is going step daughter and I thought that was creepy. Of course. Just so that's it. I just leave it at that. He married her. I guess that I only saw a part of the first episode and they go like he was never actually. I saw this one, he never actually adopted them. Those kids know played that role, he played a paternal role. So it's super fucking Monday.
So I actually really like that one match point. I like that one a lot. Yeah, that one. Scarlett Johansson then. Yes, she's in a few heads, I think.
But that one, which she does on him, I don't know. Joseph Scarlett Johansson, by the way, I just got an email stop on Apocalyptica. Suck my dick. Hey. Scarlett Johansson saying she simply has to exist in society without going. Yes, I'm a woman, I worked with an abuser. OK, there you go. My. Yeah, well, but know, I really feel for the guy who listens to the podcast, like, don't forget your podcast.
Oh, my God. OK. We deliver the action which is going on, her marriage kind of caught me like I was like, what are you going? OK, I don't know. Where does it say? No, no, no. These are so fucking good and all right, here's a problem with this, OK, like here's here's a problem. It was my wife based Timimi, hold on. What's up? It's a recording. Yeah, oh, sorry.
What's up? Do you need something? Nothing. I just wanted to see what your duty was to come look at these trees.
Hey, real quick, I'm on my way here real quick. Tom said that if he was ever getting a DUI and Christina came out and tried to, like, get in the cop's face, he'd be like Taser bro, because you can't have a woman. He couldn't have his wife come out and do that. Is that don't you agree with that? I am so confused by your question. OK, never mind this, as long as you understand that that's what's going to happen.
I love you, baby.
Go back. Thank you. Thank you. OK, how do I feel? Like she says. How do I feel about Woody right there with the the filmmakers long denied keep scroll more. Um, I love Woody. I believe him. And I would work with him any time. Oh wow. I guess I was wrong, but when was that.
And then type in was twenty nine thousand nine thousand twenty eighteen nineteen.
Oh and then type in. Scarlett Johansson cancelled for supporting Woody Allen. Yeah. Well there's no way you're allowed to say that as a woman in Hollywood and get away with it. There's no way someone's going to hold her to the fire for that because. I guarantee you still in Marvel movies and stuff. No, no, no castles, castles, weird, because there's part of it is like they canceled probably Lupu.
And I was like, I don't really give a fuck. I've been looking for this Pigman. And now we're canceling this big. Wait, what is that? Can you pull that up? Like, what is going on? So they're saying what the devil is gone. It's it's it's it's a guy, by the way, no offense to this journalist, but his take is a fucking Chapell premise from 20 years ago.
What is it? Chappelle's had this joke in one of his specials, Pabulum Pusa Rapist. OK, I don't know if that I'm not quoting don't quote me on any of this, but Chappelle had a premise about this and killing them softly, which was like popular CPU's, a rapist, because probably, by the way, I didn't know he was a rapist. I just thought French people smelled like that was my my take is that French people smell all as a kid.
I didn't know he was trying to sexually assault them. Yeah, but they're saying people abuse behavior because he's consistently trying to coerce a woman to have sex with men, hold him and lock the door and tie them up. It's right. Is contributing to rape culture.
Well, what's the what why, Peggy, though?
Because this is super aggressive and has been doing that to Kermit the Frog. I thought those guys like fat pig kind of thing. Yeah. Other know, oh, they're just canceling. She's overweight.
Yeah, that would be one angle I think. See.
Yeah. We got to get rid of this fat fucking pig that we keep putting in anything.
Can I just do that girl that this Christ so we can cancel another Candlemas biggie.
Right. Come on man. It's a fucking not real. But she is super aggressive towards Kermit. She is very aggressive towards Kermit. Well let me see the video. But it's like Kermit as the sister. Oh yeah. She's like, oh shit.
I'm up as Johnny Damon's wife. You're the guy I got Gapper.
Oh, dude. It's like here's what happens is generous and pretty hard because people go fucking pay you. And then and then what happens is people who don't agree with that go then cannulas picking up.
You're like something angel. And I think that's bullshit because I think Kermit like it sort of like that that harassment story I told you about when I went to a place in the lady. Kind of. Yes, yes. Like it didn't really bother me, you know, and I got harassed.
I've been sexually harassed. I mean.
I've been sexually aroused. I didn't like it where I was just consistent. You're like, just fucking enough. Yeah, I was younger and good-Looking, though. Wait, wait, hold on.
So. All right, it is kind of weird, you know what, it's weird when it's like kind of like somebody that's out of being a viable sexual partner, even if you're not like like, you know, I mean, like a much older person and keep making the comment, you know, like, what the fuck, man? What happened to me?
Yeah, sure. She was older than me and she kept grabbing my ass and saying stuff about, oh, look how cute this asses.
I was like five fucking ten times. I'm good with it. And then at and then I was like and then I was pulled. It was a.
I don't want to tell you where it happened because then you'll know exactly. You can figure out who it is by to pull someone aside and say, I'm not comfortable with this. Can you make it stop? But not don't go to her and tell her to make it stop, because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. Right. Like just make it stop. Like grabbing me out of this. I didn't make it. They didn't it never stopped.
And I just was like, I guess I was I'll do I had a lady.
And I'll tell you, OFF-MIKE can't making comments to me. About my eyes and my lips over and like where you just like, oh, it's like a sweet at first. Yeah, like those those lips. I was like, Hmm.
And then. What I think is it is kind of like harassment, where I was sitting like sitting here and she stood above me and like just caressed my face and I was like, I don't like this at all, but I just rolled with it.
I didn't say a fucking thing. There was a dude. There was a black dude growing up. Who I'm almost certain was raping guys. He was gay. He went to a different school than we went to and he was older. He had been held back and he was bigger and stronger than everyone.
And when he when he. When you see him, he'd like grab you and touch you and be like, yeah, you got that bitch. And I remember I remember distinctly thinking, this guy is like, I don't fucking trust this.
Like, something's up about this guy. And then someone was like, oh, yeah, dude, don't trust that guy. But this is back with homophobia was really big. And so like anyone know, there was no, like, forgiveness or like, oh yeah, that's just how he is. But they were like he he's stronger than you and he wants to fuck you. He will.
I think we went to school with the same guy because there was a guy who I knew who was bigger and stronger than everyone and who everybody kind of. Assigned the alpha male role because this dude's genetics were fucking oh, this guy was his ass was up high. This guy, multiple people in my class, they're like, hey, we you know, we had a party over at Bert's house and we. You know, crashed and multiple people on different occasions were like, I woke up to him with his hands down my pants and I was like, oh, including a relative of mine.
Yeah, are you serious? And I was like, because it it never it never happened to me, I guess I was not attractive to him, but God damn it, it was pretty wild. It was pretty wild because also everybody it's a unique situation where that's happening. You kind of can't believe it. And also it's somebody who could literally fuck everybody up like he was he was a a really physically imposing person.
I remember spending the night at a kid's house and.
We I woke up and came downstairs and they were holding the kid down on a butcher block, shoving ice cubes up his asshole, and I remember I was like I remember distinctly being having the feeling of I hope that doesn't happen to me. Yeah. And just like kind of. And then seeing the look on his face, do you want to know some crazy fuck man? So I know where this I went to school with this kid when I'm studying in Madrid.
So it's three years after high school. Yeah, I'm in a bar in Madrid and the bathroom is downstairs. You know, when you go like that, the downstairs bathroom, I go down there. And there's taking a leak, a couple of stories over is another American, so where stay away from blah, blah, blah. I go, where do you go to school? He says. He goes to school. And I go, I know someone who goes to school there.
I say this guy's name. He goes, you know him, and I go, Yeah, he goes, he was in my fraternity. I mean, was he because he he left when he left, he he had a big thing where we found we found all this gay porn in his room. And, you know, like you said, it's like a homophobic time. And they, like, talk to him about it. And then he fuck.
And he left. He left school. Yeah, that's you know, what's so funny about about that time isn't a weirdo in a bathroom, in a bathroom, Madrid, I saw my my little brother in the fraternity where he was a virgin the entire time.
They would say guys were gay. My attorney and I just I just didn't believe them. I was like, whatever you got. Oh, really? Blohm Yeah. I was like, No one. No one, like, in my head. I know this sounds silly, but I just didn't think I didn't think people were really gay. I just didn't I wasn't. So I just didn't couldn't imagine how. I just I knew there were gay people.
But like, this sounds so horrible. I didn't know. They just they didn't wear like roller skates and and Speedos, you know, like I thought that's what I didn't know. Like gay guys could just be a regular dude and be gay.
Yeah. So I go all through college, made these few guys, everyone's that were gay and opportunity. Yeah. I like them there. You could even see with them party. They were little. I didn't have a problem like the dude rubbing on my back.
I didn't, I didn't. I just didn't. I don't know. It feels good. Right. See that's how it starts really I think. But I like having you back.
I feel like nothing feels better than a back rub. Right. Who gives a cuddle a little bit. Yes, but this is how oblivious I was to like homosexuality.
I just didn't I didn't know who that meant. They were gay, right? Yeah. So I, Furkan. I go to New York. I'm walking by of what's the park right across from Sharp Entertainment, the MacArthur Park, MacArthur Park and walking in MacArthur Park. I'm going to Sharp Entertainment. I think maybe it was earlier than that. And I see my little brother in the fraternity who I was a great guy. I fucking love this kid.
Mm hmm. And and he was a virgin. And any party, he was a fun fucking kid. Right? Everyone always called him gay. I was like, dude, he's not. He's a good kid. Stop putting his balls.
Yeah. And he sees me and it's like he saw a ghost and he's like, I remember he just went Bird krischer.
And I went like, Yeah, like, shut up, what the fuck are you doing here? He was like, he's like, I live in New York now. And I went, Oh, I live in New York, shut the fuck up. I was like, Dude, we got a party together and he cut me off and he goes, I'm gay. And I went, What? He goes, I'm gay. Like, almost like, you know.
And in my head I was like, that's a weird thing to throw. Yeah. Like, right out. And I realize as he's telling me this. He's got a Puerto Rican guy's hand in his back pocket, they're like holding hands. And I went. It was so funny because I went I wanted to go shut the fuck up. That's what they all said and I didn't believe it. Yeah, but but I wanted to. But I also wanted to go, hey, man, I don't give a fuck.
Like I was like I was like, cool. I was like, I don't do that happen to another guy and way.
Did you guys, did you, did you guys talk longer.
Yeah, we talked and I was like, dude, we got to hang out. Like I don't I never like I didn't know that he was gay in college. I didn't care that he was in college. I didn't really didn't care when I lived in New York. I've been living in New York for like fucking ten years. Think anyone gives a fuck? You know, I was like, you want to a part of this. Go get a beer.
I don't give a fuck. Bring the Puerto Rican guy.
It's cute. And so I remember. And then that happened. That happened one other time is in L.A. this dude, the way it worked, I'm trying to be not specific, but the way it worked in high school is you sat alphabetical order, right? Yeah. So there's this do the sat next to me. I mean, for four years. For four years. Our names right next to each other. And I've known this kid, I sat next to him every day for every morning for fucking 30 minutes, for four years, I sat next to this kid, softer of a kid, meaning like not football player or anything like that.
Smaller, little soft spoken. I've known him for four years. One day he is, uh, is a hard story to tell, trying to figure out how to tell it. He's at my all, he's at my old apartment and he's doing headshots and he's, you know, clearly out of the closet. And and he's telling my roommate at the time, you know, I grew up in Tampa. I went to school here. My what like I think my my roommate might have gone to a high school there.
He was like, no way. And he was like, yeah, I think so.
And he goes, actually, I think he's downstairs. He's like, Oh, sure, up. Yeah, I went to school there. Let's go. So they walked downstairs and it's the kid I sat next to for four fucking years and he walks in and he's in like like a. I'm not saying like a gay outfit, but he's he's he's gay, he's gay, and he comes down and he sees me. And immediately I remember thinking he went to high school in his head where he, like, closed up.
Yeah. And clearly it's clear he's gay. And I'm like, shut up. What's up, man?
Like, oh, my God, I'm fucking this guy fucking for years. And he just same thing. I'm gay. And I was like, I don't give a fuck news like I know, but, you know, no one knew in high school. And I was like, oh, who gives a shit? Yeah, I remember that feeling of going like, look at him looking in his eyes like like it's so crazy. I don't know where the fuck these stories are going.
I don't know. Anyway, I like to ecstasy and.
And I'll tell you that moment, I can tell you where I was, I was on Tennessee Street where riding the Jeep Cherokee and one of one of the four or five gay guys in our fraternity that they always called gay is rubbing my back, another one rubbing my legs.
I'm in the middle with the leg room. We didn't hear about that one inside, but I was in there like you could.
So be that if a guy is the dude that night, if a good looking smart like a guy who knows what he's doing one or two, he could talk you into it. He could talk you into it. Name the guy.
I bet. I bet. Like Jon Hamm could do it to you. Are you kidding me. Idris Elba with that hog. Go put on some khakis. No underwear, please.
Yeah, well, good. Jon Hamm could definitely get me in his ass, but that's a good time to rap, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's wrap it up. Uh, thanks again. Shout out to the sewing brothers and shout out to Johnny Damon.
Johnny, we're big fans, man. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but your next to you, I ready, man? You ready for your do you are you ready for your DUI and tell your lady that she's going to get tasered.
Yeah. Light her up bro. I don't need her uncompress lighter up her. Got to shut the fuck up. All right. I love you. I love you to love you. Love you guys for. Thank you for watching and listening. We'll see you next time.
But and one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tell stories in third snowmachine there's not a chance in hell that they keep it clean. Here's what we call sandbaggers. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call so you focus on Katie.