We should get her testosterones checked. What did he say about us? What did he say? I can read the whole article or something about doing it and liking it. Rogan. Yeah, like he does. He was like he went to jacked doctors who were in their 60s and looked like they were in their 40s.
Like, I'm not the best with reading like I can. I mean, what I mean is like there are people that sometimes I say stupid things and there are people watching this going ME2 hundred percent.
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No, I, we were just saying. Shout out to Dr. Dre, I hope you get better, you don't know what happened, I don't know what happened. He had a he had an aneurysm. Really?
Yeah, and I told the story to Lee-Anne. But sometimes I talk fast and I don't say the right things. And I said, Dr. Drew. Yeah, she sat with it all night, all night. That's always the end of the night. She's like, I can't find anything about Dr. Drew's aneurysm. Said Dr. Drew had an aneurysm. She was like, you're the one that told me. I was like, oh, no, Dr. Dre.
And she was like, Dr. Dre. I did it. It was like even it was a great way to.
Is there an update on him, like on his condition right now?
I guess he's doing he's doing good. He's out of ICU. I've been following it. I've been following it. Because that doesn't that goes this is what sucks about the fucking thing. It goes against all the things you sign up for when your kid take your vitamins, be healthy.
Dr. Dre doesn't party. He works out. He's in good shape. Yeah, he's he's healthy. He's only in his 50s. He's a billionaire. The billionaires don't get sick and die like that. And so all the stuff that goes it goes against all the shit you signed up for as a kid when you sat there like Prince Queen Elizabeth did and said your prayers at the end of the night.
He said, amen. You got in bed. That was your covered.
Yeah. And then all of a sudden a fucking and you don't you can't stop aneurisms now, but like, as soon as you know when he's 55.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No one is. I bet they feel a lot like panic attacks too. Yeah.
Well as soon as they know what's going on they have to get in there, which is probably what happened with him.
I told him we have no real up to L.L. Cool J. Gave an update, OK, we were fucking I didn't even know they were close.
I it surprises me too. I have no idea who they gave an update. You're like shitting on L.L. Cool J. Dre is recovering nicely.
Shut up their friends I guess who way to come out as friends, you know.
And everyone's like, is that why you were going back to Cali to see your friend come back back alley? What did I want to meet? We should we should do that. What's the Dre post?
Oh, he says, well, thanks to my family friends. I mean, like, scroll down so I could see.
Always in the studio already, I know his voice, you're a good magazine by magazine. What do you mean look like, you know, sometimes you read things like ever look at the news and you go, you go, what the fuck is wrong with these?
Oh, never mind.
That's Fox News. And then you're like, oh, I just the source. Yeah. Yeah. Like the source is vulture good or bad. I mean, I think I thought Vulture is more like a pop culture type of thing.
But is it is it like is it like I saw one the other day that was like the the headline was. More diversity or or more cancel culture like or something like like they just even the good ones draw you in to get you to fight. Yeah, yeah.
I'm so exhausted of all that. I know.
I mean, vulture, I thought it skewed kind of like Alti, you know, I thought that that was I don't think I see if I might be able to.
I'm sure that vulcanology policy for white privilege.
Have I ever been a vulture for Krischer? Yeah. Let's see.
For Vulture, I've been a vulture was a vulture for fucking.
I said the man behind the machine, the comedian joins. Oh, Jesse. David Fox.
I know that dude. I shit on a morning. I'm on a podcast. Yeah I did. I did. Do we want to talk about what a fucking cunt I am. Yeah. Yeah. I did a whole interview with this guy. I was one of the funnest interviews I've ever done. Really honestly. He has a joke. He has a podcast called The Good One. Yeah. Or a good one. It's a great thought. He basically takes one of your jokes and then pulls it apart.
He wants to know how you wrote it. I fucking jack off the shit like that. Yeah, I love that more than any I love. First of all, I'm totally breaking it.
Yes, you do the talking about you and then breaking it down and then breaking it down and how I got there and especially with the machine, it took me four years to really write.
So I love that.
I love that I get done the interview and he goes, I'm like, man, I really had a great time. I really had a great time. This was one of the funnier broadcasts I've ever done, I think was like a two and a half hour podcast.
And it's not supposed to be supposed to be like thirty five minutes. Yeah. And he was like, thanks.
He's like, you know, I was curious whether or not how we were going to I was going to be received by you and I was like, why? And he was like, well because you kind of trash me one time on a podcast.
I was like I that sounds on Brand for me. How did you trash this person?
He wrote an article about Hannah Gadsby and I type in Jesse David Fox, Hannah Gadsby.
You know, I will type in Perkasa to find out what I said about him. Hannah Gadsby. Oh, yeah, um, no, it's got to be that it's got to be like, oh, how funny this comedy need to be. I'm sure that's it sounds right. And I read it and I, I guess I either posted or I trashed it or whatever, because it was saying that comedy doesn't need to be funny, which I think we all know that now that a man's done it like Chappelle, it's OK.
But yeah, it makes sense. No, at the time I think that the young kid, the I forget his name, but there was a dude at in New York that did a special where there were no there was like it was like a spoken word special. Hmm. And then Hannah did it and then I just and I just released one. I think mine just came out and on and I was like, oh, great. So I and then I was like, I'm really sorry.
And he was like, no, I understand why you said it. And, you know, I think mine and it was it was cool.
He was actually really cool. That's how council culture work is. I trash someone. He can cancel me, but he doesn't. So thank you. Thank you. By the way, speaking of getting canceled, I need to make some apologies. What now?
You know, OK, I already said it. You know how I misspeak.
I know you have a trouble with words, but it's not.
It just goes. I think. I think. I think slower than I talk. You think slower than you talk.
Yeah. Yeah. That's accurate. Yeah. You talk slower than you think. True. That's interesting. Yes. Like your specials are thought out.
Well I mean it's methodical, it's calculated and it is definitely a slower burn and mine are not like I like even when I know you're like a method.
Yeah I feel like it. So I've been defending Kumail left and right.
Kumail so people don't know Kumail Nanjiani.
Over a year ago he posted this photo of him, which, by the way, he sent we were texting and he sent me the like photos that he was taking of himself.
For the record, I forgot you were thanto the globe come up. And I was like, so I didn't realize the body picture there.
There's a body. There's a side by side by side side.
Yeah, that one of Kumail day at the beach.
And then so but anyways, he posted these photos, he got in, he got jacked for this, uh, Marvel Eternals movie and I guess he's just maintained it.
So people thought that, like, he would shoot his movie and then whatever and then threw out look at oh, that's not him.
Throughout quarantine, he has said that, you know, he he's kept working out. It's helped him deal with the pandemic isolation. And and he's also eating really healthy. And he has like one cheetah and he posts photos of his cheat days, like, I do not see the food.
All I see is a jacked fucking buys like buys. He's jacked. He is.
So he thought, OK, I will say it right now and I know this isn't popular. He looks the way I want to look. I want to look that way. She looks amazing. Yeah, he looks great.
And I've been saying that across the board, like I do with Kevin Hart, like I make a joke.
I try to make a joke. When we come out, here's our fucked up. Is he just crazy right before they started trashing him? Well, that's why we didn't get to this, though. Oh, yes. So this like he did this transformation and like I said, he's maintained and he keeps posting, like, here's my cheat day, milk and donuts and whatever.
But he's stayed in really good shape.
And then people are dragging him like online.
A whole wave of people were like he is, you know, representing, I don't know, promoting, promoting like this type of body and unattainable standard and standards and like which I'll say that's unattainable for me now.
I mean, OK, because I know you there's unattainable for a lot of like, yes, and he said it it is unattainable for a lot. He said that to get into that shape, he said he made a statement that he goes without.
I had like the world's best trainers and nutritionists paid for by the world's biggest studio. He's like, there's no way I could have done this.
But he has maintained it. He's maintained it.
And by the way, also it's during a pandemic was probably because, like, it's a thing now, it's probably opening doors for him for different types of roles, you know, like.
So I think there's also and I think there's two sides. I think one side is the alt comedy scene who look who stereotype that body as like.
Yeah. Death squad. Rogen Yeah.
You know, those that kind of person a jacked and then then the larger the machine and they get like well the thing is it's weird because you hear people like criticizing him like not I want him to be like he was before, you know, that that's who I like him as.
So and then there's the other side, which I think is even more interesting is the meatheads who I think it's like the all the all left wants him to go back to the way he was and then the. All right. Wants him to admit he used steroids. Oh, right. They're like, dude juice.
We got him on one side. This is the juice. Right.
Because the other story about it was like, say that you're on steroids, which you wrote and had a big thing about taking testosterone.
I would love to go. We should get our testosterone checked.
What did he say about test? What did he say? I read the whole article was something about doing it and liking it. ROGEN Yeah. Like he does. He was like he went to jacked doctors who were in their 60s and looked like they were in their forties.
Like, I'm not the best with reading like I can. I mean, what I mean is like there are people that sometimes I say fucking stupid things and there are people watching this going, me, you.
I read the thing and then I my mind wanders.
Yeah. So like I started reading it and all I thought of was sober October. I was like, yeah, God damn it. You're like, that's why I lost, that's why I lost. Unfair. Barry Bonds is head size group.
Yeah. And so people say but Rogan was saying that he wanted to be he wanted his body to work better, I think from that effect. And so we got his I don't think he's like jacked on it and he just took him up to where they normally were. I have no idea where super jacked Rogan.
Yeah, fuck. Yeah. He's like fifty three, fifty three years old and he is in ridiculous shape. Yeah.
But he also he said something to me once, I probably said it before and this is like ten years ago.
I remember being in a cab with him and we were, we were in Miami. We're going from the airport to the hotel and he goes like this like pretend this is his actual stomach. He goes like this. He goes getting fat, I'm getting fat. And I go, What? He goes, I'm getting fat.
And he pinched like like this much fat. And I go, What are you talking about? He goes, Well, yeah, this is like this is fat for me though. And I was like. I go, you're not fat, and he goes, no, no, no, I know he goes, the thing is, I go, this is this ridiculous that you're saying? And he goes, Well, I've never been like I've never been out of shape.
So at this point, he was 43. He was like, I've never he goes, I have never been out of shape.
So I just mean, I've never. So this is like a little indicator to me to, like, step it up because I've never been out of shape. I was like, oh, OK, by the way, I'm in pretty good shape right now. OK, hold on, hold on. Let's pump the brakes, pump the brakes. I'm in pretty good shape for me right now for where I've been. I'm at my lowest weight that I've been in a year.
I'm in great shape.
You oddly enough, you look better than you've ever looked. I wish I could break my leg or I'm crazy. Want I'm just kidding.
Yeah. I'm going to come out of this like in six months and you're going to be like, what the fuck? Because I'll be probably twenty five pounds lighter than I am now. And with all the training that like it ramps up as you are able to, I'll be stronger than I was the before I got hurt. I know you could get in an accident and you've already gotten coronaviruses, you can do outdoor stuff, uh, you can get in people's faces.
Anyway, my apology my apology to Kumail is this. Oh, yeah. What's the apology about?
I speak too fast and I've been calling him Indian and I know Pakistan is Pakistani. And so the whole time I'm like I realized it in the shower the other day because I'm defending because I got I looked at myself in the mirror and he was like, this looks terrible.
And I was like, I should really text him and say, like, for real. What did you do? Did you like if there's like a is there a supplement just like an the supplement? Did you ask that. No, I know I've only texted him. I know him like we've done a we've hung out or whatever and I only text him when I text him when good things happen to him and he'll say to me, but I'm not going to text him when he's in the middle of the shit and go, Hey man, what are you on.
And so but then I'm sitting in the I'm sitting in the shower and I go, I actually didn't research this so we could figure it on the podcast. I was like, it's probably pretty bad to call someone who's Pakistani. Indian. Yeah.
Actually to them, you know, probably like calling someone from New York, Mississippi and maybe Bostonians. See, I want to see how close are India and Pakistan.
So I bet they share a border. And then if they share a border, is it like Alabama, they've had they've had a long, long, long rivalry, you know, like Overland. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Are they right on the same border? Yep. So then just out of curiosity, OK, curiosity. Like, other than to them, it's an insult, like, how far off is an Indian person from a Pakistani person?
Oh, well, culturally, you know, different like they're different cultures.
I mean, like, if you go to the border, right? Yeah. And you, like go like 20 miles one way, 20 miles the other way, are you going to be like this is definitely Pakistan? I don't know, but that's a good question.
Yeah, that's so that's why I'm sitting there going like because then I said in Europe, that's accurate. Mm hmm. Like in Europe you go German people do not look like Italian people like Germans like that.
Well, I think Hitler made it that way. But again, I don't know. That's the truth is there was a like he made sure everyone looked one way, right? Yeah. I mean, he was a big fan of that. I was a bad example for Germany, but northern Italians are more fair skinned.
You find blonde, blue eyed northern and southern Italians are more dark skinned.
Yeah. And so then I was like, so could you tell the difference? Like, if you and your head say French person, I have a visual.
Right. But like kind of like you push back a little bit.
Cigarette baret, like overweight, really.
You're doing, you know, like I do a really good French person. Let's do it. OK, give me something. Just talk to me, man. I'm in a cafe, OK? I'm writing poetry. Go ahead.
OK. Excuse me. Hey, what happened to your leg.
What's your name, sir. My name, yes. Jean-Luc Picard, Jean-Luc Picard, John, that is somebody and it sounds like it came out too quick, think he was in Star Trek. Jean-Luc Picard, he is French. I think that's the actual character's name and it's the guard against the police and clearly British.
She's very bright, clearly a guard.
Oh, before, before, before we forget. Oh, we should talk about their lives. I just want to tell people, look, I've addressed it online. I addressed it on your mom's house. I want to address it. Look, I know there were tech problems and they fucking pissed me off to protect problems.
Yes, there were tech problems, people trying to get into the live show.
And I tried to address it as much as I could that we we prepared for it.
We hired multiple companies. We fired somebody. It's not going to happen again. I swear to you, we've put so much time, so much resources. We're announcing another live event in a few weeks that we're super excited about. Oh, yes. Oh, by the way.
Yeah, it's what you asked for. It is what you asked for, what you've asked for. And we're doing. Here's the thing. I promise you. I promise you, it's not it's not going to happen again. I promise you. So that's all I can tell you. Thank you for speaking with us. Thank you for joining us for the New Year show. I knew that somebody drank too much and that we have we have different roles on this show.
And then I think the real show was the lobby with you afterwards. You were a fucking mess. That's the last time I drank ever this year.
I've been sober for a year for for a whole six days. Yeah, it's a six. Yeah. They just creep up on you.
The I will say this because I got a lot of I got a lot of nasty email or text and emails and texts oddly enough. Thank you for we should pivot to spoofing or spoofing is. But my number got given out as I really appreciate all the people who sent me pictures of their wife getting choked out with a cock.
Yeah. Really odd pictures you get. But anyway, a lot of people are upset that I didn't acknowledge the technical problems. I will be dead. Honest with you, I that's not my brain. I'm, I'm being even more. Here's the truth.
Here's the real truth. Bret has nothing to do with it. Don't blame bot. I don't know. I don't know. I just. I apologize. I didn't apologize. But like I when you said technical stuff started happening, I definitely saw Tom flip over to business Tom and go what the fuck. And, and you don't know this, but during those videos he would get up and start dealing with shit.
And I, I'm not that guy. It's totally I don't have anyone's phone number. I don't have I can't solve it. No, no. I don't help the issue. And so I was like, I think it's better if we're partying for me to stay in the party mood. I think it is, too. And I apologize for the one lady who fucking I troller back a little bit. She was like, thank you, Tom, for saying something.
Radio silence from Bert. He does not even acknowledge that there was a problem.
Yeah, I was like, yeah, I was furious. I look at me, look, he don't blame Bert anyway, but the live show was a fucking blast.
It was a lot of fun and it was so weird to see. Like, I really thought I was going to see Panic Bert with these animals.
And then you were just like the snake and put that on my face was like, the fuck the snake was so fucking relaxing knowing that it wasn't going to bite you was just going to chill. It's like, why wouldn't you get a couple of them and put them in your bed? Yeah, that was in the tarantula. I, I, I woke up the next morning. I had one of the best days I've ever had in my life. The next morning I woke up very still drunk and and Liam was like, hey, you want to go?
We'll go take the dogs and go let them run around. And I was like, yes, we went over to the new house and I was still in my from life before. And I was smoking a cigar and I was reading what people were writing on the Internet. And I was laughing. Liam was doing a workout class. I was laughing hysterically and smiling ear to ear.
I had so much fun. It was so at that live event. I hope you had fun.
The I'll say I said it on every platform I can get on the meems are unbelievable.
I walked into George's room and she is watching Gwen Stefani do her song and Tom falta it right around the block.
I mean, we could not. Yeah, it was so fucking great. Oh yeah.
And the there's a whole bunch of injury.
Merche, we have er Sagara stuff. I mean we haven't seen this before. It sells out because what happens is we have a lot of really cool merch I want, but it sells out. We never make it again.
Yeah you're right. We'll send it all to you. What size. Triple axle excel buddy. I'm losing weight. You sure you want XL on?
Well, yeah, I want to, I want sloppy clothes. Yeah.
I think you get Excel. You can wear it in May so let's get you the deluxe.
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This brings about one of the last one of the last things we talked about when we were doing the regular show, which is big tech problems. We asked like, oh, like what a suck. And we got a bunch of emails. I'm going to read some to you, please.
What's up, Todd and Bart? I'm a member of the Fat Lapdog Club with above average trouser snake dimensions.
When hard, I'm seven and a half inches long from base to the top of the shaft and seven and a half inches in circumference. Here are some things I get annoyed with.
Even at about four and a half inches soft, it is clearly visible in almost every pair of pants, shorts, sweatpants. I have worst of all bathing suits. Because of this, I have to wear athletic style compression boxer briefs. Even still, my decline is still visible when I wear jeans. My girlfriend sometimes gets uncomfortable when I'm taking her down with enthusiasm. She has bled on occasion.
I did figure out in my teens that condoms hurt pretty bad to wear. Even Magnum's leave a pretty solid purple line on my shaft. It is unenjoyable while taking a shit. My dick has to be 100 percent soft.
Ls the tip can slap against the front portion of the toilet. It sounds easy, but sometimes in the morning or randomly during the day, I would need to take a dump of my dick would not be fully holstered.
Obviously this is super gross, especially when having to do it in public setting amongst the germs of who knows how many disgusting fucks. That's from Ray.
What's his last name? Google. I'm almost what it looks like. He doesn't give his last name, God damn it. Right. He's having a nine inch penis. Sounds like every man's dream, but I can tell you firsthand, it's a nightmare.
This is like big tits because women with big tits. I remember there was a fucking smoke show and like rack. She's famous, I can say her name and she got a breast reduction. And I was like, oh, she dropped on her head as a baby.
Like, why would you do that? This is this is one of the worst ones this guy's wearing it having. And he has a nine inch dick. One time when I was in high school, I got beat up by some guys during a pickup game of basketball after they noticed my huge penis and thought I was hard for them.
They this resulted in two of my teeth being knocked out and a black eye. The worst part was I couldn't tell anyone why I got beat up because I knew they wouldn't believe me or they might actually think I'm gay. Davis from Kansas. So, I mean, that's a terrible one.
Davis My heart goes out to Davis.
Yeah, that's that one's really terrible. Fucking horrible.
Here's this guy says I'm six inches plus flaccid and just shy of eight hard with a six girth. Here's a problem I have every time I get a full body scan going through security at an airport, I have to get patted down because my dick shows up.
I have to be relaxed, fit pants, because anything tight in the crotch region gives a good outline.
Any time Doppler radar goes off the like. We have a disturbance in India. Never mind us, Davis.
Not a problem with me, but my wife thinks every woman we talked to one. Affect me because they can see my bulge. Sometimes I sit on my balls or my dick. Thanks, Eric.
When did we talk about big dicks? It was a few weeks ago. God damn it. I know I said something on the podcast. I gave out to friends names and they're like, Hey, man, thanks for the shout out this week. I'll do that again.
This guy is the last one I'll read, has an 11 inch dick. And let me tell you, it's not all fun and games. You can never fit it in all the way anywhere. You end up hurting everyone you're with. You scare some people and turn others into crazy stalkers because they love it so much. Enjoy your regular sized dicks guys and avoid all the headaches. I would much rather have someone be able to switch my entire piece around in their mouth.
Thank you for all the entertainment. Thanks for coming.
The problem with Anthony. Yeah. I've never had I tell you. OK, now. Yeah, I said small dick problems. OK, so sometimes I was in yesterday when I run my well when I run my dick goes like probably like that big. Yes. Like it's like super small but that also means it's not like hanging to the left or hanging to the right. It's just sitting there like a little bit like this. And I ran six miles yesterday.
Oh I'm running 2000 miles this year by the way, I should have announced that I'm running twenty nine extra thousand miles.
Yeah, me and Michelle Wolf are doing two thousand miles. If you want to do the two thousand mile challenge, here's the catch.
Ready. You can walk on the treadmill if you want to walk five and a half miles every day. You just got to make sure you plug it. It's not don't count your fucking steps. You've got to get on a goddamn treadmill hit start and walk five, which are outside. We're outside or outside. You have to go on a walk. You can't just go like because Michelle and I were like, I got to count. Right. Like for that because and also when I run, I run for it looks like we used to do a Barry's boot camp licks.
That's what they're called fourplex. Looks like it's it's basically remember, we assume Barry's bootcamp, we do sprints. Yeah. And then you'd go right. And then you'd walk in and you sprint. I like those. So that for me is an easy way to run five miles is to do like two minute sprints, very long distance or very simple forms of long distance running.
Yes, it's it's fast running dog run walk.
Yeah. So like I'll run like one of my favorite ones.
I use this app called called Captive to a Captive.
And there's this guy, Akeem and Akim is my favorite one. I've tried everyone else, but for whatever. I started listening to him and I love this guy came.
And one of my favorite one is the big, big birthday run and it's Notorious B.i.g.. And so I could love Notorious B.i.g. so I can run to him. But it starts off with like you're supposed to walk in to three, but I run it a five, then running at eight for like 30 seconds, then run it a five for a minute, then run at a seven point five for forty seconds, then run into five. So like, if you want to do this, you can, you can walk, you can hike, but you got to start your thing and then do five, but you got to do five and 1/2 miles a day.
And what sucks, if you miss a day, you're doing 11.
So you every day. Every day. I've been doing it every day.
So small day problems.
I need a hashtag for that. Can you help me come up with a hashtag so people can join in on this two thousand mile run.
Oh OK. Yeah guys. Something good. Not don't use the hashtag small tech problems. 2000 miles, thanks not you, Nadav, I meant that. No, I really appreciate your all your hard work. Hash tag Two thousand miles is a little all over the map. How about hash tag 2000 miles 2021.
How about. Twenty twenty one, two miles, two miles, 20, 21 per krischer and OK, well, we'll figure it out and it's a work in progress. Hit me up if you have an idea.
But small dick problems. Yeah. So I run real hard yesterday and then I, I'm cleaning my man cave with my sisters and as I'm like moving the head of my dick is like hurting. And I go in, I look and I have rubbed a raw like chapped lips, the fucking head of my dick from the run, from the run because it just went like this in a pair of loose fitting shorts from losing weight.
So loose fitting running shorts started running away. Did you not wear boxers or anything? I don't.
I wear running shorts. I wear really good running shorts, but they're not tight. Tight. There was like and they got wet, some sweating.
And so I literally had to put chapstick on my dick to just because it was like it's raw, it's like raw. You know, the, the, this part of your dick right here is raw.
Like Missy I will show you. I would, but there's jobs, it's glistening.
There's Chapstick all over it. So my point is, I'm wearing underwear today.
Yeah. I never wear underwear, but I put on these, these are these are sponsor of ours. I got these at my house.
It could be. What is the name of them. I don't know what you're wearing. Is it what he's like.
I have no idea. What is the name of these pants? I can't tell you that. Oh, shit. Mugsy, yep. Are they really?
Yeah, they're fucking the pants are fucking awesome, dude, they're like sweat pants but they look like pants and they're good looking anyway full on.
So that's my problem with my dick. Yeah. And then I smouldered problems. I do want to do the run two thousand mile run. I want everyone to get in on it. Thousand miles.
I don't know if your dick wouldn't be chapped if it were a huge. I'll tell you the problem I had when I wrote a bike from Philadelphia to Jersey, I remember that and my dick is not small, not big enough to get on one side of to pick a side of the fence. Yeah, it just sat in the middle and the pants would go, wap, wap, wap.
Any stress that I feel my dick retracts into my body. Yeah. Like any type of exercise.
It goes like oh any exercise, any exercise and any type of like, like real stress. Something's going on. Like when they were like, oh we're having problems with you. I was like, my dick was like I'm going to I'm going to hang this one out buddy.
I can never understand how dudes can rape dudes in prison. Like, you think that after fighting a guy, my dick wouldn't be like, I'm really hard, I would have to fucking beat the living shit out of a dude to be able to work up a hard on.
I would have to beat the hippie immobile for me to be right alongside. Yeah. I mean, the movie made some fucking movie.
I'm almost there if you want to give it a shot. I mean, hold on.
No one's ever talked about that. You see these prison movies and they beat a guy and they're all hard already ready to go.
I guess they're like maybe they're hard all day and all week leading up to it. And like, we can't wait till Friday. Fuck that guy.
I wonder. I mean, this is obviously a taboo subject, but like like I wonder how many he's like, I'm sorry, man, this never happens.
It's a real it's a real original thought, you know, it's original thought. It's another original original thought.
You asked for original thoughts. You asked a few weeks ago. You said you thought you're like, this is a totally original thought. Do you have any original thoughts? And you asked people to send them in.
OK, and so for every original thought you have, I'll match it with another original thought. OK, these were these were sent in by listeners. I want to hear original thought, OK? And I'll be the judge of whether or not the original if I've heard it or not.
OK, this person says have two dishwashers so you rarely have to empty a dishwasher, just use clean items from one and move to the second.
It's a kitchen cabinet that cleans for you. Oh, wow, that's brilliant. It's pretty good. That's brilliant. Taxi, my wife right now, we're building a kitchen, one up or two to this. Yeah. How expensive are dishwashers?
I don't know. Typing dishwasher. Thirty five percent off, all right, that's already you're already halfway there to dishwasher's I don't remember ever buying a dishwasher 500 bucks.
OK, cabinet's got to be the same. Probably it's not bad. I was talking to Christine and we're getting getting to Dishwasher's, that's fucking brilliant. Here's another one. Good job, man. Ready to dishwasher's.
That's fucking brilliant. Now, granted, that looks like a rich guy fixed move because everyone's got the space to be like, here's a second dish better.
Yeah. How many fucking do you want to grab?
I took out my refrigerator. I have a dishwasher. Yeah. You ready for it? Yeah, I'm ready for another one. Transition. Glass should be put in all cars.
So sun's out, sun goes down, glass transition, transition glasses in all cars. Yeah, yeah. Why not? Yeah. This might be a weekly segment, this might be. These are game changing thoughts every morning, transition glasses. No, no, me neither.
And no, I've worked with some porn in high school, but like, it does seem awesome when when you see somebody, like, they walk outside, I was like, how do they walk out, do your day drinking with someone who wears glasses and they walk into the bar and everyone's like, blind guy just walked in transition glasses and then all of a sudden you could just mean people went black.
Here's what I want. I want I want original thoughts and then I want another thought. Another one called poking holes in it, OK? Because I love people who can poke holes in original parts. Go, go, keep going.
But this one says I put my drinks in my shoe, can bottle, etc. when there's no coffee table so that I don't accidentally kick them over when going to and from the bathroom. Also, I never have to guess which drink is mine when I have people over because it's in my shoe. Hi, Louis. I love that guy, but my strength in that is that, by the way, those other two ideas are really brilliant thoughts, right?
That is a hard core original thought that one.
And it's got Bert written all over it.
All over it. Yeah, all over it. Yeah.
If you have if you want to send yours and send it to two bears, one cave, the number two the word bears the number one the word cave at Gmail dot com subject line original thoughts.
Here's my original two original thoughts today.
One was with the vaccine right now, this actually got into a fight with my family about because I said it and then I started defending original thoughts before I could finish my story.
I said the thought and then I was like, I was like, hold on. You're your. You're too caught up there three steps ahead behind original thoughts, so like sometimes with an original thought, you'll present it.
And and in the original thought, I said, I need fuckin law right now and go, who the fuck l'isle now? I sound like a crazy person. Yeah.
And I'm like, you know, he's a British designer. I got so I got so sidetracked defending original thoughts that I couldn't get my thought out well enough because they were so far behind me. They're so far behind me because they're not in a thinking man's world. Like my dad's a lawyer. If you say certain things, my dad will just shut down and go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't do that.
Like, does he specify in a specific type of law he'd not really think it is mostly real estate. OK, so be specific. Yeah, but he was just not it's kind of hard to explain. He does title work. OK, but so what my dad does is he has a title company. Yeah. Now back in the day if you a title company was separate from a law firm, so title company would then do all the work and then they'd run it over to a lawyer to look over it.
And the lawyer would make like, I don't know what a lawyer makes, 250 bucks or something to look over it. And then they'd bring it back. And then they do that. They get the title in the title work, which is where the money is. And my dad in the 80s got a phone call from a lawyer.
I've heard this story a couple of times. I got a phone call from a lawyer, Miami, who said, hey, man, I'm doing this type of business a little different. I am opening a title company and then I am reserving I'm saving them three hundred fifty. But whatever the five hundred bucks on going to a lawyer and I'm doing it's an original thought really is an original thought.
Wasn't my dad's was this guy Miamis. And he goes and then I'm doing all their type of work, I'm opening a title company and then I'm also serving as a lawyer for that title company. So we're getting all the title work because everyone's saving money on lawyers. And my dad's like fucking great. And he did it and it was very successful. So anyway. By the way, I'm not 100 percent I'm totally accurate on that, I think you're probably close, but you didn't.
I'm very I'm very close.
I'm not a huge you want to call them right now and get the explanation? Yup. Might as well give up. May be fun to hear how wrong you are.
OK. He's waiting for the vaccine. By the way, the original thought I had about the vaccine was this. I go. They should charge rich people for it, like get like put a price point on it, like ten grand a family and then and my dad goes bloody no, and I go home and you're not you're shutting down an original thought. And he goes to the original. But I go, this is an original thought. Do you talk to Lyle?
Dad and my sisters are like Bert. That's what's wrong with our country. And I said, stop. I said, stop.
Rich people will be doing that anyway. They're going to do that anyway, right? Why not benefit from it and say, like, let's put it. No, I don't know what the number is. Four grand to vaccinate your family. And then I'm hate to say this. I would pay it. I would definitely pay four grand just to be done with this shit in a heartbeat. And by the way, there are a lot of families here.
There are a lot of families that couldn't afford it, obviously. But then my four grand would be subsidized. I'm not sure that's the right word.
Spread out to a bunch of families who couldn't afford it. Right. Lower income families and get them vaccinated right away.
So all of a sudden you'd be doing more good than bad than my and then my dad's like, you need to reserve these for people that are elderly.
And I was like, yeah, but get them. Let me buy some. But yeah, but I just was looking for a way for me to get one.
We'll call my dad. We'll see what he does for a living. Pretty sure I was 100 percent accurate. Hey, hey, I'm wondering two bears, one cave right now, so you're on the podcast with Tom and wow, wow, Tom. He's doing good. He's doing. How are you doing, Mr. Kay?
Hey, good. I hope you doing better, though. I am. I am. Thank you very much.
He's losing weight during this during this fucking interview. I wouldn't recommend that diet.
What diet would have broken. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The broken arm. Broken leg. Yeah. So Tom asked me what you did for a living and I kind of explained it, but he thinks I may be inaccurate with what your job is. Oh. So can you explain it.
Well, hold on. Hold on. Oh let Tom. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. To be to be fair, a lot of times we ask Burt questions and he gives us an answer and then it's like 60 percent accurate. So you know that high.
I'm sure, you know, there's a lot of embellishing and exaggerating. Don't get it started. Believe me, I think your dad knows.
So according to Burt, you got a phone call from a guy, you got a phone call from a guy in Miami who had a title company, who was a lawyer, who's a lawyer, who explained to you that he was going to consolidate his title company business with the lawyer side of it, which would save clients some money. And then you said, I'm going to do that. Is that accurate?
No, I knew it. I knew it. I knew it in most of his stories. Yeah, there's a bit of truth in it. Yes, it's enhanced.
OK, can I just tell you that when he was finished with the explanation, I go I bet that has some truth to it, but it's not accurate.
No, it's close. I mean, I did get a call from a guy in Miami. That's true.
OK, but what he did is he he introduced me to a client, Merrill Lynch relocation, OK? And from there, I sort of knew closings for the real estate relocation company, OK? It grew and matured after that to represent builders and some governmental entities.
OK, he has a theory, but asked him if he has a title. OK, is asking me to ask you, do you have a title company? We did it one time because we had so much work in 2000 when nineteen ninety two we opened up a title company in our law office and in 2000 we sold it to Chicago title OK, and then we operated it on behalf of Chicago title for ten more years.
So but is most of the work that you did. It's real estate related. All of it. All of it is. OK, so. So when I asked Burke when I, when he said my dad's a lawyer and I said, does he have a specialty? He goes, not really, but some real estate. And I go, well, that would be like a specialty.
So I would think it is for me. Wow. He was never really interested in my practice. So I really good times. And I, I took him to a couple close. He said, I can't believe you do this. It's so boring.
Really. So he wasn't like that. I want to follow in your footsteps and be a lawyer like, you know, he has no interest in that at all. In fact, when he graduated from Florida State after six or seven years, I told you he's probably got some advanced degree and he's been surprising us, too.
Were you irritated that he took so long to graduate from college?
No, it just flew by to take used to take his show card and buy beer to show station. I kept calling him. I said, how can you be putting so much gas in that car? Volkswagen, for God's sakes, you're putting forty fifty dollars a week drive a lot.
That's true, isn't it, Burt?
That's very true. Yeah. My older sister did the same thing. So you go buy cigarettes and sit on the scorecard right now. OK, well thank you for the update, sir.
It was nice to talk to you and and I'm curious. So thank you so much.
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So can I tell you how it works.
Yeah he said I got a phone call I, I witnessed what happens when I tell a story or when I hear a story. He goes, I got a phone call from a guy in Miami says, I'm doing I'm doing relocation work for Merrill Lynch and immediately I shut down. When I heard relocation work again, I went, oh, fuck, whatever. And I start telling the story to myself, yeah, I start going and he's like, this is what I got.
I'm printing fucking dollars over here. That's I make up the story for myself because I shut down cause I'm bored. Yeah. And so I start telling the story to myself.
And as he was telling you, I didn't listen again. I didn't listen again to him because I was like, this is a pattern in your life.
Yeah. But I wonder if I think this stuff in my head is like. It's I find I can make it more interesting to me so that I can stay attached. It's why I don't read is that when I start reading, I.
Like I said, it's why you can't trust me with, like, data, because I don't the thing that interests me isn't the thing that's real is the thing that interested me is the thing that I go, whoa, razzle dazzle.
Like like when I said to you the other day, Winston Churchill lived to be 98. Yeah, it wasn't 98. It's 90. But you're close. I got close and then I do the thing and I thought you were for sure.
Way off. Yeah. Only because I've spent time with you.
Dude, Prince Philip is a hundred. Is he. Prince Philip is is.
I'm watching the crown right now. I'm obsessed with the fucking crown. Keep hearing good things.
I heard great, great things about the crown and he's he's ninety nine ce. Yeah.
I just did it right there. I just did it right there. I was like a hundred in Crown and Queen's Gambit here are great.
I heard I'm going to watch out next. I'm obsessed with the crown and here's my original thought from the crown. And this is just an honest thought. Sometimes I have honest thoughts too.
I am so glad. Does Christine have a sister? No, she stepsister's OK.
That's not count. I know. I mean they count.
I'm sure the people will move. But son of biological systems, I am so glad and I was wondering if you felt the same. All week I've been watching the crowd with. Yeah. And all I could think was one thought and I was wondering if you share it with me.
Yeah. I'm so glad Leon doesn't have a sister because I would definitely fantasize about fucking her nonstop. Wow. Just out of just out of just out of being regular, like like I would say that is but don't you think, like, that fantasy would be like dictated on what that sister looks like?
Not really. Really. Like, I would always find the sister to be cooler.
Larry, I remember one time meeting someone's sister like a girl. And her sister was so attractive that I said it out loud when I met her, you and I.
Are you guys related? I saw her sister. I was like, oh, my God, I know your sister so fucking hard.
I mean, let's go through because. Because Prince Princess Margaret. Was so much more attractive than Princess Elizabeth. And by the way, Queen Elizabeth of Queen Elizabeth is watching you. So sorry.
Yeah, we don't mean to disrespect your highness. I have so many questions. I wish it. Right now. Yeah, for real. Yeah, OK, go take a shit. We'll take a break. I'll be right back. And then we're going to get we're going to really talk about Prince. I have so many thoughts about the royal family.
OK, I wiped OK. Back on point.
And by the way, let's talk about spoofing phone numbers now. The queen. Yeah, the. The Crown. The crown.
I am obsessed with it. I'm obsessed with thinking I would have made such a great, pointless prince like a prince who had nothing to do with their lives, like Prince Philip basically just did nothing but partied his dick off every fucking day to they start drinking.
I think it's just the drinking that I like, which I can already do. They start drinking first thing in the morning. Prince, princess, like morning drinking.
I can't do the way they're doing, but if I had nothing to do with my day, what I'm doing, Princess Margaret would wake up every day between ten, thirty and eleven thirty.
She was given she gave orders out.
By the way, I watched a documentary about Princess Margaret. So, you know, there's two there are two Princess. Right. There's the stuttering king, King George. And he had two daughters and his daughters are Queen Elizabeth, who's been queen for like fuckin eighty years. For ever. For ever. These fuckers last forever.
They have royal genes like Prince, which is kind of crazy because you think to have like a bunch of shitty recessive gene because it's all like inbreeding, you know, it's not inbreeding.
So that's the thing about the monarchy. It just showed up like like the one we're talking about right now. It's only been around like a couple hundred years, like maybe a little longer than that. But like, it's if you go back to like the one that would put his wife's spikes on the head, the monarchy's been like shifted around a ton. I'm fascinated by the British monarch. My point is.
You know, Prince Philip had to want to fuck Prince Margaret, Princess Margaret, you think so? She was a smoke show and she was like, let's see, Princess Margaret.
Well, I mean, smoke show for the fucking before that had teeth and stuff, you know, like go to Princess Margaret. It's a good looking woman right now. Go look at her sister.
Oh, you can't I don't think you're allowed to say anything bad about the queen. Well, you can. Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I can. You could say whatever you want. They didn't allow, like, look back. So so that's their dad, King George. And then Margaret, the tall, good looking one and then the other one.
It looks like she was in Mad Men is the fucking queen. Yeah, that's the queen. Yeah. She was she's a little she didn't want to be queen, but she was she said, look, I got to tell you, she is an awesome fucking queen. Princess Margaret will wake up every morning between ten thirty and eleven thirty.
She wants them to see them side by side. Yeah, yeah. She would have a screwdriver to wake herself up, vodka, orange juice every morning and just eat fruit, then go directly to lunch where she would have a stiff gin and tonic.
Stiff gin and tonic. Right. Go get her hair done. Fucking go out to dinner party through the night until like 4:00 in the morning, come home to her fucking palatial castle and pass out. Do it all over again for seventy eight years. She did this for seventy eight years.
And I'm like, you're like this is my lifestyle dude. Then she went there, she like ball. She got got a house given to her in Mystique and on an island and we'll go there all the time. Dude, I'm telling you I'm watching the ground and all I'm thinking is I need to be a royal.
I want to be a royal. Yeah. And then I was like, I need to be knighted. Like, I wouldn't mind indicting. They can do that. I know. Hold on. Here's my pitch.
I know that I've had some harebrained ideas with our Tuba's one funding or two. There's one holding, one holding Corp.. Yeah, we need to start all we need. We don't listen. Just slow roll it. One day Prince William is going to be king. OK, ok, that's real.
I'm Prince William's married a divorcee or like he was the whatever. He's not, he hasn't married divorcee. Whatever fucking you think I've watched the end of the series that enough.
I'm, I'm just the part where Prince William is is married to Kate Bolduan. Are you talking about Prince Charles? That's what I'm talking.
No. So he's Prince William is going to be king one day. Prince William will be king one day. OK, he's married to Kate Middleton.
Middleton. Yeah. All we got to do if you're British and you are super wealthy and went to school, Eton and all those things, and you're a fan of ours, which is probably not likely. But if you are a fan of, all you've got to do is put some of Tuba's a good the Kool-Aid clip in front of Prince William. Just very Kent. All I need is you to throw some of our material for Prince William. This is our part, the knighthood.
Now, he can never see this video because we're going to delete this video somehow because we don't want to know that we we kind of spoofed him that we got in on him. Right. We need Prince William is a really good plan, Prince William, to become fans of ours. We need Prince William. I'll say it so clearly.
I think the way to to do this is through Harry. I think you get you get Harry to see the clip.
Harry will share it with William that this is why we're a team right now. It's sometimes you give a shit idea. Let's just go Rob. The bank comes out and he's like, maybe we your mess. And you're like, good call.
Prince Harry's definitely a fan. I definitely would. Definitely a fan of our. He fucking loves us.
Loves, loves, loves us. Sure. We need someone who, like, went to Eton, I don't even know what that is, but I think it's like a rich kids school to get some of our clips in front of. Harry, you're got a pub, you have a pint. Right. Talking about his in this chick was like a fuckin movie star or something, right? Yes, she was an actress.
Oh, she's American. She's history degrees. What they make it Marquel. Yes, she's American.
She's American. She's from she might have been born in Canada, but she was raised in the United States, California, Google, Google, Meghan Markle.
See if we have any kind of friends in common. Was she born at his country or she born in California? Meghan Markle's.
They abdicated, right? That's what that's what, by the way, everyone's like posted John Milanes clip of Born and Raised in L.A.. Oh, my God. We have to know someone that knows Meghan Markle. We literally have to go. She keeps going. Keep calling. She was in suits. I don't know what suits some of them.
It's a good show. Was about three days superegos. Canoga Park, European acting attorney general hospital, CSI deal, no deal work at home, such as she was a fox. I wonder if we have fucking horrible bosses.
Yes, she's been in a lot of stuff, OK? We need connections and we're going to start with Prince Harry. So we get in with Prince Harry. Then ultimately he shows the video at Thanksgiving to his brother, probably not Thanksgiving, maybe the queen's birthday or something.
The the the fuckin the crystal jubilee. And and then Prince William. That's our target.
We need that guy to love us because we can get honorary knighthood, not honorary, just fucking knighted. Now we're getting didn't see that we can't be because. No, you can be a non British citizens. Get an honorary knighthood. Hold on.
Is that real? That's not what I Googled. Honorary, honorary, because we're aren't allowed to put, sir. Hold on. I got I got your solution. What, you just become a British citizen. Oh. I will abdicate my American citizenship as I'm talking, so a pretty big word, big word.
I will just like Prince Edward, King Prince, just like your great.
Just like your grandfather's brother. Mm hmm. I will abdicate my American citizenship, become a British citizen if I can become Sir Albert, Charles Krischer the third.
Why did you want to talk about AIDS today?
Oh, because I maybe I shouldn't written that down.
So would you abdicate your can we both abdicate our U.S. citizenship and become knights? Sir. Sir, what is it with your whole name. Sir. Thomas Weston. SEGRA that sounds so good.
It sounds good Sir Albert. Charles. Let's just imagine it. Close your eyes. Right. OK, we're standing behind these two huge doors were in suits. They wore tuxedos everywhere.
We have top hats on. Right. And there and are we are not with our wives because they do not match up with us.
They're not dames. We're knights. We're just to not only do we leave them behind in the States.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're just in the UK to think of all the fucking. It's just we don't want people to know how old we are. And if we're with them, everyone's gonna be like, wait, how old are these guys? We want young just be around young people, Harian. And we were young people. We don't want to show up.
And they're like, oh, our fucking dads are here. So do we do like a little treatment? Like, do we tie our hair a little darker before the game?
And we go, yeah, we show up and they're like, hey, how are you guys who are like thirty five weeks we get do we get like the.
But we get like movie movie weeks where I gets really looks real sweet and we can do this the whole time like combing our hair back.
Look at it Prince William like oh the internet man. Right. Delio is inviting us but did we do the pantomime.
Motherfuckers need to be nice.
Oh hey you know, you know how great it would be just to be like are you at night and you just go all day, mother fucker. Oh. Oh how great.
A bit. You don't have to do shit to be a night and then you get land or something.
I don't think you get land, you get they haven't gotten to the night part of the crown by the way, I'm sure this isn't going to happen.
If someone can just make this happen, I would really appreciate it. And both Tom and I would be very grateful for you. And then we as knights would make you Cerf's. We'll make you answer.
Hey, anybody out there that has a connection to Harry, please send him the Kool aid clip yet.
Please, please, please, please.
Oh, I think Harry would fucking I just want to like, what if he just said, let's do some, like, cool guy shit and let's go on my yacht to a biffo. What if Harry said that. Yeah. And that would you. It would be a good time.
Oh my God. What if we could be as quartermasters. It's sounding more realistic now, and he's like, yo, can you come in the palace royal palace? It sucks. My fucking wife is his wife. Cool. Prince William's. We talk about William and Harry, Harry's wife. School is shit. She's a fucking actress. OK, we can talk to her.
William and Kate seem more like designed to be royalty, you know? I mean, like they're more.
No, but that the queen you think for the queen parted. She sucked. Prince Edward's prince, someone's dick. But I'm saying they do they do it all.
I mean, Kate seems like she would be like, you know, that Harry and Meghan decided that they don't want royal obligations or titles and they left. They don't live in Brevet.
I love it, by the way. That's like gangster fuckin move. Yeah. I mean, that's a gangster fuckin movie. Well, you know, you can't do shit if you're if you're a prince, you can't do shit. No, nothing. You can't do anything.
But by the way, I bet Prince William didn't even want to be king.
He's like, fuck man, I kind of want to go snowboarding. And he's like, I guess I can't do that. I got to fucking take an audience with the prime minister today. He's got to have an audience with the prime minister like once a week. Yeah, probably. I can't wait till he becomes king.
I'm not talking party. What are you going. Why? Because I'm I don't know, man. I'm really into the ground. I'm by the way, I can't believe I'm only into the crowd because John Milanes in rehab, like because one of the things the videos they show, they're like milady's off the rails. If you watch it and you've never watched the ground, then you're like, yeah, he's crazy. But then if you watch kronur like, no, he's not on drugs.
He's just obsessed with this TV show the same way I am. He's not like he's on drugs at all. Well, who's not on drugs. Mellini and mean clearly is because you went to rehab.
But but you really lost me in the last lady went to rehab. You know that, right? Yes.
OK, he was. I wish him well. Yeah. I mean to me I'm a bum that he's going through it. But he went on Seth Meyers when they said quote unquote he was in the throes of of I got you. And he was he was dressed weird, which I think was a bit he doesn't seem like he's on drugs. He seems like it should have been a podcast. And by the way, fucking Seth Meyers was not playing with him.
He was kind of like he was doing this like no thing.
And and John Lane, he was trying to get a bit going. Yeah. It's a podcast dominated. He's been on our podcast.
It would have murdered, but it's television has been about being obsessed with the crown.
Yeah. And like, how fucking by the way, it was almost exactly about this. It was almost exactly about this. But because it's television and and I guess Seth Meyers, Seth Meyers, Seth Meyers knows the fucking royals like he's friends with them. Really?
Wait, maybe we should shoot for a different country. To get royals, I can't believe I just did this.
I'm setting us up with fucking William and Kate when we've got Saudi princes who party and are so much more and you know what else they might do?
Fucking kill someone in front of us like the Saudis will be like, hey, do you want to see something fucking this guy? The first guy stole bread. This week. We're going to put a car around his neck lighting them on fire. And you were like, oh, shit, what the fuck, dude?
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You know who who's like super dope is the king of Jordan.
Oh, he Google him. He really has a good time.
This guy. Yeah.
Abduallah the number two since nineteen ninety nine three is brand new in the game. Well twenty years in the game but he's been an Internet guy.
Lawrences. Oh my God. He can give those harems. He, he can do it all.
Why the fuck. Why the fuck were we going for. Do you know that's where we need to go. Jordan. Jordan the king is king. He's already king. He's going to wait for his grandma to die. And he runs that he's a good looking dude and he likes to have a good time. But sorry for the accent, but I think he's American educated. Damn, yeah.
And he like, you know, he'll just be like, you might shoot a machine gun and you're like, yeah, he's like, who I want.
I got to do the accent to make it fun. I want to drive a Lamborghini. Yeah, exactly.
I got to suck your dick. Machine guns put out the window when you come. You got have a good time when you're in Jordan. That's how Jordan's going to fuck. Yes. All right.
So 20 when when everything is like, relieved back to you.
And by the way, hey, this is how Jordan works. What do you need from us? You tell us what you need from us.
You want a charity show when Jordan flies over, let's party. We do flies over in your golden jet.
And I am so fucking in.
Yes. I'm just full disclosure. I'm going to talk about it nonstop. Yeah.
And you got to break someone's fingers in front of us. Oh, who.
A journalist. Let's watch it. Fucking some vulture who just gave Fox. Yes. David Fox. And we'll be like he'll be like, what is this about? He's like, you don't like him against me.
Just like you use a hammer and you love when these come full circle.
I can't believe this.
By the way, if you have a better prince or king that we could get in with or you are a prince or king likely who watches this program hit us up, I bet King, I can't believe we're shooting for the most uptight, boring royal family.
When we could have gotten we're going to Jordan. How great would it be if the fucking Bolsheviks never took over Russia and we still in Russian? I wonder how the Spanish royalty is right now.
There's royalty in Spanish.
Hmm. Yeah. The Spanish royal family, are you fucking kidding me? I'm afraid about that and you fucking fill up the fifth are going to be talking back and forth behind my back. And I'm like, what are you guys saying? What do you guys saying?
Oh, you're looking, dude, he's a good looking guy. Six. I'm sorry.
Lo siento. Holy shit.
Juan Carlos, God damn it.
I think that's a good country to have a good time. Give me I know we're supposed to wrap up give me a list of royalty. Where does it still have a royalty. Does Canada have.
Oh Canada does a queen not. Is Canada still with the queen? No, I mean, she has like, you know, it's like symbolic relationship with Canada and Queen really lost her power, but there's some other British or European countries that have royalty.
Oh, give me some give me some getable ones. Like, I don't want the Super Bowl. What about the fucking what's the what's the super rich place?
Monaco. He has a good time.
I can't believe I fucking I'm so excited right now. Prince Albert. Albert. Yeah. That's where you have a Prince Albert named after an earring in your cock. This guy, you know, he parties you have the same name, Prince Albert, and he's like a bird.
And I'm like, what's up? I could do my joke by.
But I think that's wife number two. Oh, you mean the smoke show number one. Show me with the fucking first one. I think so.
How do we become monarchs? Am I wrong? I don't know, look at look at Prince Albert, his. See if I'm wrong, I'm reminded he maybe he got married late. I actually might leave my family and my career to become a consort.
No, not that guy. Oh, we should also Google old Queens. So we just slide in. Oh, but they can't go to his personal life, you know, Tom, you and him would have so much in common. The Prince of Monaco, you know, he races cars.
Oh, he's this guy has a good time in. A good time, can you imagine just waking up, going had to go down, what would you like to do this evening?
I'm sitting drinking fucking mimosas on my porch, smoking cigars and your racing cars, white list of claimants and illegitimate children like a paternity suit. OHE parties tomorrow.
Nicole Costa we go back. Faler All right.
A German topless model. A German topless model, this guy, fuck you, then make a fuckin with Karl Lagerfeld, yeah, we want it.
We need to party with guys, wear gloves. Tom, look at Karl Lagerfeld, South African swimmer, humiliated, assault. This guy is the. He's so fun.
Oh, my God. That's where we're going. Monica, we need OK, and by the way, if you're listening and you think there's a better prince or king king that we could jive with. Send us your list and then next week we won't skip another week. Sorry we skipped a week. Yeah, it's been crazy. It's real crazy. Obviously, everyone knows George covid and so. So it's been crazy. And I will say I will say, put it on me.
I was having panic attacks and we were about to shoot the live show and I was wanted to save and make sure we were all healthy for the live show. So it was my fault. I apologize and thank you for everyone who did not give a shit and just hit us up. And then again, we understand it's free when you know we're doing the best we can. God damn it, man, what is OK, I got to change, though.
We're definitely I love the king prince thing. Yes. What the fuck is spoofing so.
My number was spoofed. Who does everyone hit me up and told me I must have one of two things, I must have clicked a link that someone sent me. And then when you do that, marketing companies then grab your number and use. Used their no through your number to call people because it comes up as a number and for some people it comes up as Bert Krischer and then all of a sudden everyone's like, oh, fuck. So a friend of ours, I can't say his name.
He's now being spoofed, got my phone call and he's like, Hello? And it's another dude. Now he believes that it's someone with ill intentions, that it's a disgruntled comedian or broadcaster that is using is spoofing people's numbers to fuck with people. And I know for a fact that I have definitely had a problem with people getting my phone number and then texting aggressively, like where it's like it bothered me. I know I've talked to you about this and I then fucked with that guy's number and maybe that was a big mistake.
But now my numbers and my number got given out. I, I don't know how. I don't know how. So I'm I changed my number. I'm changing my number every change yet. So actually, if you're watching this, it's been changed. But Rogen hit me up. He was like, you're done.
Change up fucking number because he knows it happened to Jeff Bezos, Jeff Bezos, Amazon, Bezos.
Yeah. So the weird thing about Bezos was he started dating this woman, you know, and then he got divorced. I don't know if you remember that. And there was a there was like the Enquirer said they were going to leak.
Things they had found write like texts and emails and all the stuff. Point being that he hired a P.I. and, you know, this goes back to the fact that we need a private investigator over point, but here's the thing that I took away from the whole story. I was like, wait, Jeff Bezos just has like a like an iPhone and a regular email account. Like, didn't you think that the world's richest man would be like, oh, no, I have a phone you've never fucking heard of like it?
And you can't hack my shit because I'm Jeff Bezos. No, he has the same shit. Same email.
Yeah. And his phone got hacked and, you know, messages taken and I guess.
I think it was that the girl, the lady's brother, sold information to the lady he was dating, and it's a really weird story, you know. Yeah, it sucks because. Who also owns Washington? Also, The Washington Post receives a WhatsApp message, exactly what that's what Reagan told me. And I've definitely gotten WhatsApp messages and I've tapped on them. And so all of a sudden, it is crazy.
This is the message out of Saudi Arabia, by the way, he parties. Oh, I'm totally going to tell her I'd go to Saudi Arabia. Saudi Arabia is like pretty much like MBBS Vegas, right? I don't think people are.
Well, yeah, OK, it's hot. I wouldn't liken it to Vegas in a lot of ways, but this guy this guy, I like his piercing eyes. Yeah. Look, eyes are like his eyes. Look at you and he's like, we're not done tonight.
No, that's right. Here's the thing, though. He doesn't fuck around. Oh. For real. Like yeah yeah yeah.
We would have to be on, on like oh he's almost like he's almost like a rescue dog like you know, you got to be careful around him.
I wouldn't liken him to that. I would just say that like please don't show him when we're there. Whatever he says, we're like that's a fucking great idea. And I, I'm.
Oh so it's. Yes. You're doing improv with him. You're. Yes. And he's like, yeah, he's like tonight.
I love the fun. If he said, like, do you have any criticism of me and what we do here?
Actually I have a few words to say. And then Tom's like, we agree with you. I would be like, if you disagree with her, you can take him out back. But I'm a big fan.
He's got a bad rap. There's people who are not so cool with what he has allegedly done.
Is he friends of Trump? Um, I don't know I don't know if he's friends with Trump who they don't know. Um, I'm sure Tom would be like, I think the guy's great. Tom, Spicers saving. Four hundred and fifty billion dollars. I mean, there's so much like here's what's crazy, right?
Is like I was thinking of this the other day because I've been reading a lot about war, World War One and two by reading I read one book and almost in the podcast and Dan Carlin and all that shit.
But I'm obsessed with I'm obsessed with the variation of privilege, meaning like when I don't mean privilege the way that, like, social justice warriors mean.
I mean, like when you look at people like, say, the prince of Saudi Arabia who just saved four hundred and fifty billion dollars versus the kid in Sierra Leone who is smoking heroin in the morning when he wakes up and he's only eight, like the opportunities like that fucking then and then you go to like just World War Two where those guys had to get on planes and fly death missions into Japan, just going like, man, you don't have enough gas and you probably have to ditch in the Sea of China, but.
Maybe we'll see you later and you couldn't go. But clearly, I'm definitely not doing that, like you just you got to go. Like, I'll see you guys, OK? I'll see you later. Look for a guy with a parachute going over here. Yeah, like that.
Then you're 19 and you're 19. Like the fact and the fact that there are people doing that. There are people doing that today that are like soldiers that I just and then I go to me, oh, I got a phone or at 11, 20, like the fact of how vast life experiences are.
And how so people just dial into theirs and don't think ever about.
Like just people that don't got it good, yeah, you know, it makes you think about it a lot rhinovirus. Well, sure, the virus can do it being in a hospital. Yeah, I'm like, you're just sitting there alone. But actually, what you end up what I end up thinking about is like me, like I'm thinking, man, I'm so lucky. Like I got great health care.
People are taking care of me. People are looking out for me. I have great family, great friends, the great staff.
And then you go like, oh, there's people that get hurt just in the wrong part of the world, that they just go like, oh yeah, that guys, I'm just never going to work again. Yeah.
Oh, well, you saw the video of the guy who arms bends backward because. Yeah, I mean, I've seen all kinds of but I mean.
I just literally would spend hours thinking about that. You know, it's amazing just how. It's amazing how selfish you are instinctually, not a bad way, just how selfish the average person is versus when when all of a sudden things are taken away. Yeah, and and for me, it's only just been on the outside, like watching you go through it kind of shifted my perspective. And then another friend shot to chase. If he's listening, I can't stop thinking about him, you know what I'm talking about.
But when someone goes through stuff, your perspective of selfishness shifts. Yeah.
And then when you think about coronavirus family and you just think of people getting it that don't don't have the access that like Drew has to, like, call on his own medications or at least talk to other doctors and go, let me get on the Bamblett minivan or whatever, like just all that access of privileges and people who just can like like there's people who would just go like, I don't know what to do with these injuries.
And that's why I wanted to talk about AIDS is how like so you're in a very you're in what they call the the fabled catbird seat like that.
OK, I'm using big words because you have had coronavirus and now you're immune to it for the next four months. And by the time four months round, yeah.
You can get vaccinated. So in a weird way, you're out of the woods. You saw the light at the tunnel. It sucked. They had to go through. It sucked. But it's nice. And you're almost getting a raw dog it. Everywhere you go, kind of and like the world is your oyster, a little bit. A little bit. A little bit year like where a roller coaster like stuff like that.
Right? Well, not really, but. And then I thought, what if that was what with AIDS, what with AIDS, you got AIDS, right? Mm hmm. And then and they're like, I'm going to be sick for like three weeks and then I can't get AIDS for three months. How crazy. Fuck, guys.
Yes, I stop. Yes, I would be.
Do you realize Dicks would be wrong? Yeah. Well, if you could just wake up in the morning, I wake up in the morning with a dick in your mouth like Princess Margaret going on.
I was a bad analogy. She's dead. She won't hear it.
That what we just got ourselves out of fucking Prince William and Harry anyway.
So that's my auntie. Auntie hug my wanted hotspots already. We already moved on to Jordan now. But but how fucking I was thinking about as I was pulling up today, I was like and then I was there at one point I just was like, I'm just going to go get coronavirus. I'm fucking done waiting for it because like I'm being safe sucks. But then you as safe as you want to be, you can still get it. And and then I was like, I'm tired of just going to bed every night going well I wake up with symptoms.
Will I find symptoms the middle of the night like is how's this going to work? Did your symptoms come in the morning or at night or during the day?
So here's what happened. I, I remember it was a Tuesday and I had Otti that finished and then Pete and I was able to get through them. It was on a Tuesday. But immediately afterwards, I mean, immediately afterwards I was like, I got to lay down and I passed out for like two and a half hours. Right. Yeah. So this was like so like, let's say I passed out at noon. I was like, wow.
Because I hadn't been sleeping like that in like a week. The next day, I had diarrhea and I had a really achy shoulders and neck, I remember I was like, God damn, it just aches so bad and I was exhausted. Yeah, that lasted. That was a Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. I was feeling those symptoms, but they were less they were they were getting better.
And you're thinking it's all detox from I think it's completely oxy detox, which is also on their checkboxes.
Like if you look at it, I was like reading. I was like, oh, that makes sense. And then Saturday I felt like pretty much fine, you know, I felt I felt pretty good. I mean, you know, beat up. But I was like, all right. And then and then it was confirmed on Saturday that I was positive.
So I was like, oh, that's what that's what that was. Yeah.
Like, it would be cool if you knew that that's the one you'd get.
It's almost better to find out. Well, the way I did after you dealt with like the shitty part of it, because maybe like if I had found out while I was feeling shitty, I'd be like more anxious, anxious guys.
That's that's why I don't want to find out, like, because I don't want to find out. I'm the I mean by apologizing. I'm speaking for you, me and the dog. I've had the fucking shit dog one. We're like drug test positive in both of us are fine. We're like, well we'll just wait for this.
Yeah. That socks. And then you start going like that's every day. Every day. If you're not inside your house entirely, you just got five days of waiting for shit to show up.
And then I was like, that was what AIDS was when you and you knew you'd just be sick for three weeks. You like. I'll just take some aids.
Yeah. And then raw dog for four months.
Four months. I'd be going to the fucking stroke of midnight for months. Like just get it in before the buzzer. Yeah. God making so many people happy.
OK, I think we learned a lot today. I think that was a good uh it was we learned that you kind of know what your dad does. It'd be cool if AIDS was like covid be happy if you have a below average or average sized dick and keep coming up with the original thought.
If you know a prince or king Colorado's holler at us. Yeah, we need to get in bed with the Saudis.
Are Jordanian, Phuoc, or and if there's some of World War II or the Spaniards or there's like a small island to get in on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're happy with any type of knighthood, sir. Something. OK, thank you guys for listening. Oh my God. Should I say now that the very end people are going to miss this part. Go ahead.
The hats are in. Oh shit. The hats are in.
The hats are in guys. Si si. Twenty twenty one is turning it around.
So what should we do. Should like. So people are watching this on Monday. Should we give them a few days. Like should we put them in the store on Wednesday. Yeah.
Put them in the store Wednesday. All right. So that's what we're doing.
If you're watching this on Monday when it comes out or you're listening and you want to remember the hats, the two bears hat, the two bears hats, it took an extra six months to get them because of the covid fabric delays.
We ordered five times as many as last time because they sold out in 60 seconds. But they're in and they're fit. They're warning they're fitted.
Hatzius you've got to do your size. So they'll be in the store Wednesday morning. And good luck and thank you.
I'm always shocked when someone doesn't know the size of their head. Yeah, I kind of didn't want to see your time. Yeah, I went to New Era. They gave me the tour of the facility. They designed special hats for me. They gave me all these custom hats. They arrived like twenty five hats. None of them fit. I gave them the wrong size size.
That's why I never wear a size eight. Yeah they're that's fucking huge.
It is so fucking big.
All right. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. Oh my TV shows on on Thursday nights. OK, Thursday nights go big show every Thursday night at 9:00 p.m. on on TBS.
There you go Kibitzer. See you next week, Bert. Tom, Tom and Ward one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in Birds Machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what I. Because there's a. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humour, no apologies. Here's what more call. So there's one case.