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And I put my computer on my knees and it hit my belly and my I go, hey, my computer's got like a new way to sit in Georgia because maybe it's because your body is changed from what you've done to it today. And I went, oh, yeah, maybe you're right. And so then I felt guilty. So I grabbed a 35 pound kettlebell and did one hundred squats.
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Yeah, he definitely did that shit for.
So wow. What?
God damn it. God damn it. What a day. What did you party yesterday?
I talked to you on the phone. You were doing the elliptical and I was drinking a beer.
Oh that's right. Yeah. Because and I did that. This is like the most grown up take control of don't let your body fall apart move that I've had in a long time. I got drunk as fuck for me Saturday.
You said that knowing what were the give me the parameters of when I didn't get drunk as fuck you, you were hung over the next day I was hungover.
So, you know, like everybody you're were you you don't hang out with people anymore, right.
Yeah. This is like our hanging out. And we had a couple that came over.
We socially just and famous people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. Not Ali but a famous person. No, no. Jerry Seinfeld. Yes.
So so Jerry and Jessica. Jerry Jessica came over, uh, he was like, oh, nice pause.
Told me so he's like I have a hundred cars that makes me comb my hair. Look at your search engine.
Oh so we love each other. I would more oil and then we know we're hanging out and we watch, you know, hang out, watch sunset, you know.
That's right. I forgot you have that fucking house. Yeah. But the way this whole story. I'm thinking of your old house. Yeah. Yeah, this whole story. And then I was like, hmm. And now I think of this house.
I'm like, oh no, this is so you can you could do it in any house. We're just hanging out there. We couldn't see this great sunset from next to a place. You see a great so good, so funny. You never invited me over as crazy.
Can I tell you, that's one of the things that I. So not to trump your story, but I want to I want a book note.
I want a Booknotes, something I used Christina as an example to Liem with things people say to me that hurt my feelings, but I don't say it out loud and I just let it run and I go and just see it because I got kicked out of someone's house, you know, that same night I got kicked out off someone's house and I it builds up on me where it's innocuous, it's fun, but like, enough of it shows up and then I start going, like, circle and I'm not a fucking animal.
Okay, but if enough of what shows up, like enough of these like things people say to me, like like like one time I was going to your house and I was like, hey, I called you because I couldn't get the address and you didn't answer. So I'm driving there. So I called Christina and I go, I go, hey, I need your address because I'm like, give me my fucking address. And I went, Why?
And she goes, You're going to post it all online.
And I was like, and then I was like, hold on.
And then I was like, does she really think I'm going to post? Like, I would never post your address online. Right. Though I have given your phone number out at times on accident. That's why you had to give me phone number, I think.
But like but she said that to me and I was like, OK.
And then I went, wait, hang on. I have to have your address. I'm driving to your house. And she was like, Call Tom. And I was like, and so I called you again.
You you are somebody who I don't feel like you are going to post my address, but I would be like, where are you or other people listening. Yeah.
OK, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so like that Christina can say that to me one time I laugh it off. But if other people that I don't like sometimes people don't know me. Billy Gardell once said he was inviting all the guys from the Jameson comedy tour over to his house for dinner. And I was sitting there and they were talking about going we were doing Ervine. They were all going to dinner at his house. Yeah.
And then drive to Irvine.
And I was like, waiter, is this like an all thing? And then he goes, No, I don't want what he goes, you're not invited. And I said, why not? And he goes, I can't have you in my house. And I go, Why not? And he goes, I fucking rip your shirt off getting drunk and pissed off.
And I'm like, Yeah, and don't forget you shit the bed and puked all over the white. Not bad in and they know in the Columbus Cincinnati. Yeah, but I but I said to him, but that's not like I won't do it because I just can't have you over, man. I got a kid and I go, I have kids. Like, you know, it's funny because there are definitely people who you go this person like people you like.
But you go to my house. No. Yeah, but you're not that person.
Not that person. That's what I'm saying. I get looped into that person. You can you could easily be like thrown in the category of don't bring them to the house.
Yeah. Yeah, but but I would say that you actually are a really good houseguest, amazing houseguests. OK, go back to your story. I hear about you getting drunk. So Seinfeld's over there. Spike first. Yes. Like so a sign of Al Jazeera and they're like, oh, these are good orders.
And then we I start drinking bourbon and he takes it down pretty quickly.
It's a pretty heavy pour. I'm like, all right, so I got you another one. He's like, Yeah, sure. So then I pour another one for me again. I haven't drank like this in a while.
You haven't been drinking at all around. You just don't like you don't even have a glass of wine at night.
OK, I do take my my edible my edibles.
That's it. So an edible last night when you're on the phone with me you seem so relaxed. Yeah, you were like embeddable a pill that makes you realize that actually they're awesome. They're the best of the best. There's nothing better than Xanax in the world.
Some days I just give them to the kids and I'm like, let's just fucking chill today. You know, I so badly wanted to give one to Georgia.
One time she was having a panic attack and I couldn't get her out of it. And I want to be like, hey, I got your daddy.
Fix is whiskey.
And here's a whiskey treat. First time I ever gave my dad a Xanax. Yeah, first time I ever gave my dad a Xanax. It hit. You know, it's crazy. A Xanax is a pill that you feel when it hits you. You when it hits you like 45 minutes and you're like, OK, we're started. Yeah. And my dad's in the car. We're driving back from Miami to Tampa. I'm driving his car and I get stuck him give it to him because he's being annoying, because he's driving us nuts.
OK, like and what had happened was I got in one of those lanes where it was like a carpool lane, but they had like like a sticker like like sticks up.
So you couldn't get you had to stay in that lane. And it was super PAC. My dad's like, no, no, we got to his fucking mind and there was no getting out of it.
And it just was terrifying for my dad. So we pull over, gimme Xanax, we're still driving and he's freaking out. And all of a sudden it hits him and he goes.
Well, is this what normal people feel like and the idea that he thought a Xanax is what everyone feels like, I am only the lucky ones.
Well, Matthew McConaughey.
Yeah. So you and Seinfeld, he's fucking putting down.
He's like, oh, he's a couple in.
And then can we just talk shit about Mario Joyner?
We go downstairs and we're we're hanging out and then I go, you want this? You want something else.
You want a beer? He's like, yeah, beer. So we start drinking beers. So whatever, you know, lasts a few hours. But by the time I'm going to bed, I've had two or three bourbons and four beers for me from going from not drinking at all, for that's the only thing I've drank in quarantine, dude.
Like I've had a glass of wine or two. Yeah.
So I went to bed like I don't remember my head hitting the pillow edible.
No I didn't do that because I just, I lay down just fell asleep. Yeah. But I woke up the next morning and it me that was like uh like Dragon's stomach fucked up you know, like just feeling like shit.
I go of course I take like the gnarliest post drinking shit. Yeah. And then I feel terrible. So I eat something. I have to go again, you know. I mean when you're like your stomach is like what, what did you put in us. Yup. And then I make the decision to go like the only way I'm not going to feel like this is if I get active and do something. So I go in the gym, I start working out and that's what I call you.
I'm like, I'm going to do elliptical. They're going to lift.
Just here's the thing, though. I did. When you're lifting feeling like that, like you're warm up, weight feels like a truck, you know, like I was like, this is not going to be good.
I could be a good lift. It was terrible. But yeah, I was fucked up and I mean, I felt terrible.
I felt the same amount of terrible today. When you call today.
Today. Oh yeah. Because I go out regularly. It's like you go under here right now. Yeah.
Leon gets me up. I got kicked out of someone's house. What happened? I don't know. No, wait a minute. You know what? You know what. What's my sidekick's name. Lenny. Ian, no, was my British sidekick name Liam? No, no, Lionel Lyle, Lyle, Lyle, I could have use Lyle.
Hold on. I got point. There's no point. I could have fucking really, really used Lyle, like I'm saying, in the middle of it. And I talk to you. I talk to you what?
Yesterday. So Saturday night. Saturday night, we invited to a friend's house a couple of friends.
I have this thing is the reason I know to roast comedy. It's a dangerous comedy, and it's and it's what concerns me about me losing my losing control of my anger is I like to say the thing that hurts the most.
Like, I don't like to if I'm proving my point, I will then try to make my point so that you never forget those words. Does that make sense?
Yeah. I mean, doesn't that lend itself to roasting or. No, no, no, no.
It it's usually like low blows. Oh, like it's not cheap. Cheap shot. Painful. Yeah. I say certain. I like to, I don't like roasts.
I like to make grandstanding comments where like I've done it, I've done it, I've done it, I do it, I do a lot. Although I do it, I do it all the time about that one person. Hey will you just cut the audio out. I do it about. Like, I just make horrific, oh, hurtful statements, OK, to like you, I wouldn't do it to them, but I do it to you and in this case, I did it to everyone.
And then wait, you're at someone's house and someone's house to set it up for me.
How many people are there? There are there are four or five people there and myself. And these are all adults, adults. And and oddly enough, we are fairly socially distanced because we're around an island, in a table in the kitchen, OK?
And I alienate myself from the group and decide I'm fighting every single one of them.
And this is how I want it to go down, because something comes up like this, because something comes up about, remember, it was the stuff I was talking about. It's a long story, but OK, something comes up and then I don't know what I don't know. I don't remember everything I said. Bolaños I woke up the next morning knowing I'd gotten kicked out of a house like everyone. I got everyone kicked out of the house. I got I got I said to the thing that where they said, OK, now everyone has to go.
So were you. I was everything that was wrong with me.
Wait, so did you attack someone's everything. Everything, everything. Everything. Were you guys arguing? Did you take their children too. Yeah, I did that also. Yeah, I did everything. I did everything.
Well, did it start though, because somebody was making like an observation about something or other?
No, I wasn't even in it. It was it it started earlier in the night with everyone, OK? And it started with politics. And I wasn't in that. I was OK. And then. And then. And then I shared a secret with everyone and everyone decided to start mocking my secret.
And I and I'm and ultimately, if you're talking about where that started, it started with that hurting my feelings. What kind of story did you reveal?
I can't I mean, without telling me, because I don't want to give the secret to the Internet because they'll destroy me.
OK, OK, wait, just just so that we can when you say I told the secret without giving the secret away, is it that you revealed is your secret like I happen to believe something.
No, no, no, no, no. OK, something happened to me and you told the story of when I told the story of what happened to me, trying to trying to connect tissue and instead of anyone thinking that was connective tissue, they just mocked me. OK, and that's why that's why my feelings. And then I felt I told the and I felt like everyone was yelling the whole night and she goes, you were yelling. You were yelling the whole night.
You were talking over everyone. And I was like, no, no, no. I was only doing it because it was really loud. She goes, No, I think your anxiety was tweaked and you were yelling. So I get up the next morning and I feel horrible because I'm like because I wasn't I wasn't fair. I wasn't I wasn't cool. I was like I was like everything I hate about me. But I was but I was fucking I stood my ground.
It's so then LeAnn goes, hey, we have a meeting at the new house. They're they're starting construction today. You need to be there. I don't bring them ask. Everyone's there. They won't let me in the fucking circle.
And now I'm starting to go back into last night. I want to say things. Yeah. So I went I have a guy like you guys are Mexican.
No, no, no. No one's Mexican.
OK, I'm just guessing is really because they're awesome. They're really great dudes.
But it's just the guy. Yeah, OK. And so I just get a beer and I just and I just say I'm just here to pay for it. That makes all decisions and I just let go of it. But then I started a full blown.
Like, if my mouth could me to me, it would have me chewed me yesterday, would have been like, you understand, he started just putting stuff in me and then it was fucking bad, dude.
Like I started with six beers in the morning. So when I talk to you of two beers, OK. And and I was I was water and trees, which I love water and trees having to be replaced at the new place. And there was this really it was a really tasty Sam Adams that I didn't it just kind of crept up on me or senior Sierra Nevada, the summerell. And I was just fucking put down six real early, like before one.
And then I got home. I woke up eating pizza. I'm sorry. I woke up eating pizza, woke up and I had three pieces of pizza. Why didn't we do this pizza thing in the morning?
The other day I did it and I put it fried egg on them and I thought it was breakfast and I ate three. Then I'm like five beers. Then go back to the house and we have these tomatoes. And I just started eating tomato and mayonnaise sandwiches.
I mean, Tom, I made a grilled cheese with I took a I was like, oh, I can't control it sincerely out of control. I took cheddar cheese and American cheese and then mashed them up together in like a blender. So that was like a mix. And then I took a white bread and mayonnaise. Then that cheese, three tomatoes and then more mayonnaise. And then I ate that.
And it was fucking so good. It was so bad for me. But so as I was eating, it was hurting me.
I was hurting me like I was getting sick as I was eating it. And then Eila comes in and she goes, Hey, big boy, how about a BLT? And I was like, I can make a BLT. So I made a pan of bacon and then I made me and her belts. And at the end I'm just eating tomatoes and white bread. Now, do you feel physically sick at this point? Physically ill.
And I'm drunk and it's like one o'clock. How many beers in are we five. Only five.
Because there's one roadie that stay in the fridge, take a nap, wake up. And Liane's like, hey, we have to be back at the house. They're starting construction tomorrow. We got to move everything out of that room. And I'm like, I don't feel so good.
She's like, honey, look, go to the house, get a cold beer, sit in the backyard, water some trees, and then we'll move this stuff.
I go, OK, so I go to the house and a beer doesn't do it for me. Now, I heard a story one time that Keith Richards favorite drink was was Orange Crush and Vodka. Now, I don't know what that tastes like. All I know is I don't have Orange Crush, but I got an orange crush and I make what you said. I was crushed by the orange. I don't have diet orange. I only drink diet.
But Eila has regular Orange Crush and I made a vodka soda. This big vodka or orange crush. This big. How is that.
It went down so quickly. Is that so, is that a new Borking, the calories were through those 140 calories just in the soda. And then I and then I made another one and then I started moving furniture. You felt better? I felt fucking good to start sweating. Right. I feel fucking off.
That's your body telling you a good job. And then my body says, don't we have some score bars in the fridge? Score scoreboard gets a bar. Are you being serious? Right. Yeah.
What's the score score of our pull it up. It's so fucking good. It's like toffee and it's it's like an adult candy bar. There's so fucking good that oh they're so fucking good.
I thought you had like a meal replacement bar. No, no murder that and then. And then fucking nidaa dude Nadav gets me in trouble.
Why so. And I one time right at.
Ireland, Irish, Rite Aid, one time, Ireland, I have impulse problems, right, and I'm mocking the DAV about ice cream to Ireland. To Eila, yeah, I'm telling Eila this fucking ice cream.
Can you believe that? I love what kind of man eats ice cream cheese like ice cream. So good. And I'm like, yeah, she's like that. If you had Ben and Jerry's ice cream, Ben and Jerry's is like they do it right. And I was like, Parilla, just come on. So we go over an island, I buy two of every flavor that they have at Rite Aid and then drive it immediately to the new house and put it in the freezer because we just have an empty freezer.
And so it's filled with Ben and Jerry's and then I fucking eat a score bar and I was like, I wouldn't mind a little ice cream on.
I'm like, fuck, yeah. Murder of Ben and Jerry's. Now I'm feeling physically ill, like physically fucking ill. And I haven't even had dinner yet. Wait, is this all yesterday. Still yesterday. Wait a minute. Your day had your day had fucking 14 egg and or cheese and tomato mayonnaise sandwiches.
I mean five beers, a couple vodka orange crushes in twenty four hours cups. They are so good you're not gonna start drinking those regularly. I might, I might treat myself. Yeah. Yeah. Like yeah. Have it as a treat. Just Yeah. Like a treat just on your like you're sober once a month.
I gave it to LeAnn and LeAnn took us by the way just to be fair, the people that kicked us out of our house, out of their house came to the new house last night when we were moving, Stephanopoulos moved. So we're good. You're good. Yeah, we're good. We're good.
Did they bring it up? No, but not at all. No, no. But I you know, and you have to tell me more about this. I will.
I will. I will. What's in there right now. Just coffee.
Just coffee. Just coffee. OK, yeah.
Yeah. And then we had dinner. We made the most amazing fucking dinner. We are growing tomatoes and we made fucking tomato sauce, fresh tomatoes. The only thing I've thought about for the last ten minutes is like internally like did your stomach does your stomach just go like, so what happened? We only make diarrhea in here.
Like this is how much I eat. I sat down. Have you ever this is a hard example, but like I sat down last night and I sit criss cross applesauce on my recliner.
I went in the toilet. No, no.
And I put my computer on my knees and it hit my belly and my I go, hey, my computer's got like a new way to sit. And she goes, maybe it's because your body is changed from what you've done to it today. And I went, Oh yeah, maybe you're right. And so then I felt guilty. So I grabbed a thirty five pound kettlebell and did one hundred squats.
So you're fucking like fourteen.
I did, I did the squats squat down and then you go up like squat down and go up like this. And I did shoulder presses and then I did and then I did Rose and then I got in the sauna for thirty five minutes and then got in the pool. I'm fucking way I'm, I'm drinking wine now in a sauna and I'm in the pool and I just go I'm going to bed. Yeah. I fucking called it a day. That's, that's a day it was.
But you know what those I was your day was so much crazier than my night.
It gets away. I was like I had four beers. Yeah. It gets away from me where I just go fuck it man.
Fuck it. Yeah. Like fuck it.
And then I have a day like today where I go, I'm going to be in control. And then I'm like, I'm, I'm in control. I can see it in control. I don't need it. I'm not hungry like that.
Then sometimes it's like almost like my body just goes like like I wonder if it has to do with being hung over where my body's like, fuck, fuck it.
We need to make sense because I think about like like for me, poor decisions.
Right. Like where I go. Fuck that. I do wait. Waiting to eat. Like wait until you're too hungry to eat. I'm not going to make a smart decision if I'm starving. Right.
You're going to eat better if you plan it out, eat in a reasonable way. So hung over. You usually are like I feel like shit anyway so just I don't care. I want to get control of my life like I would love to.
I would love to be able to see things in small bite size ways of living, I live in such a big fucking swings that I go, I don't know how this is going to sustain.
Like, I just like like all of a sudden my brain just last night goes fucking kettle bells.
But everyone's thought about that. It has the same thought as you. About you. About me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How do I fucking figure that out.
Like what. Like like it's like Saturday morning I wake up.
You're the only grown up that that I know who I get calls about.
About you know what. Like what. Like like random people I know. Like random people who I know but I'm not like tight with. Yeah. Like Jamie Fox we'll call it.
Jamie will call me and he'll be like, what's up with your boy Bert? And I'll be like, what you mean like he's doing all right? Is he good? I'm like, yeah. And he's like taking care of himself though. I know he likes to party and I'm like, yeah. Like I get calls like that about you.
It's just it's just food and booze. It's just, it's like the bad thing, but it's not like coke and heroin and pills. That's true.
That's just food and booze. And I don't know how to get I really don't know how to get in control of food. Like like if you said if you ask anyone what was what's your one addiction is food. I like something. Yeah, same. Of course you go. I go. How do I.
So like what do regular people do. Like what is Joe did. Is he just not, not enjoy it.
Well he's a different body type he but he actually is pretty disciplined and that he, he does pretty much like he either is in or close to like Akito kind of lifestyle.
Yeah. That dude is a real yeah.
He does a lot of meat fat you know. He does. What does he do when he wants something special. He does it. But that's the thing is that he doesn't Joe has that mentality. You know, this is like you forget how disciplined that dude is, right? Like from all those years of martial arts competition, he's a disciplined guy. So if he fucking fucks off and has like a ice cream sundae, he goes like in his mind, he enjoys it.
And then he's like, I'm going to punch myself in the gym tomorrow and then finish my days now.
But he'll be like, I'm going to eat right. Or he'll go, they hate like he's going on vacation, gained weight because he fucked off for like a week. But then he will not fuck around like that for a month.
Like he I woke up Saturday morning and I ran ten miles. And that was the beginning of my but it wasn't an enjoyable ten miles. It was like punish myself Saturday. Right. So that I can enjoy Saturday night. Yeah. I just I, I don't, I don't know my fucking balance.
Yeah. And it's not even like it's not working. I really think I would enjoy like a rehab light where you could have white wine and we'd like but they just worked on your brain. But they're not my strain on Saturday they're.
Whoa Tom. I know that was before I went drinking and everything and I. Hold on.
That's really what was the Ferbos football. Just throwing it around and it gives you that, like, automatic thing. So let's check my sideburn.
Forty three hundred calories that day.
Are you serious? Yeah, and then I drank and a cheese. I love this fucking zoom, zoom, woop, woop. I love woop where it's like, did you drink?
Yeah, just. Yes. All the ways you're mad that it's asking you, you're like, yeah, yeah. Well it's fucking just whoo!
Look at my sleep last night.
That good 93 percent, I didn't see that. Where is the percentage? The green one, that's my oh, you recovery. OK, I got a recovery. Um, look, I'll tell you, I slept six hours and 52 minutes. That's not that's pretty good.
Close to seven hours to find my strain for. OK, so my strain on. Saturday was pretty legit, it was a 16. But my strain yesterday was below my recovery. My recovery look about my recovery, what yesterday was bettong over. Yeah, yesterday and was a 16 Saturday, 16 Saturday, I got a big day to day plan.
I'm going to run after this. And I got tennis lessons. You do? Yeah. Private coach, you're getting ready for our battle.
Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Just keep on rolling, baby. I have I have a tennis lesson today.
For real. Yeah. What are you working on. I mean, it's pretty advanced yet.
So now we just drill and then we play points.
So, you know, we'll go over like whatever. This is my first tennis lesson.
I played with somebody Saturday and then Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld and I played who's a celebrity that was at your house. I just whispered to me. So I know now I'll tell you later. Wait, tell me. Just do it. Impression of them.
I got it, yup, I did. So Tony Danza, you could tell right away when when you're playing if you're playing with somebody who's kind of at your level and you've been doing lessons and they haven't it it's apparent like almost immediate. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, did you play the same person that came to your house now? Different person of a different person.
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Bears', I want to talk to you about I think right. You know, I don't know if this will work the way I think you should, but I think one of the things is very big in podcasting is I'm a big podcast fan is having a hot take on people getting canceled. And so what we should do is all our friends are getting canceled. What we should do is each give our hot take so that you can just plug it in for anyone.
Oh, so like so like say say someone gets canceled, we should do a defending them one and then say, hey, listen, writing them off one and then that way people can just grab these and then just go Bert and Tom react to who whoever next. OK, like Amy Schumer or whatever, you know, so like she's to definitely get canceled. You hear what happened with her? No, never mind. I won't bring it up.
So see, that's how it starts. And then we got to we'll do our cover all. By the way, I can't believe we joke about getting canceled.
It's my biggest fear in the world getting cancelled. Yeah. Because, you know, you don't know what's coming right. Or you do know it's coming and they tell you just giving you only your response to this article or you if you if you get a phone call like, hey, how do you want to respond to these Algate if you're cooked?
That's why we need that's this is why I say we need a private investigator on retainer, OK, like a legit, legit old school, like gumshoes, alcoholic, fucking smoking cigarettes.
Sixty four Cadillac Deville beat to hell is he might not be the best P.I.. I know. That's what I we need that guy part time.
I got that report. I did that research.
You need it. I've been up all night out in Simi Valley. You know, that guy's dead.
We're like, not that guy. Dumb shit.
How great would it be if we had a private investigator on retainer?
Like, I'm talking like actually I'm thinking, what if we step it up a little bit? Right. What if we hire a P.I. on retainer and instead of being like, hey, get us some stuff, we go. Hey, ruin these people, I mean, know, I mean so like find some dirt on these people and then leak it to these sources and let's start ruining some people's lives.
You know, I.
I mean, I think that's a brilliant idea.
Yeah. Yeah. Like, we we it's not lawyer up.
We pick up. Yeah. So what.
We don't know who that the most fun would be to do is to get some of these like real mouthy types out there who are, you know, really sharing the opinion and be like, hey, do a deep dive on this person's like college high school days, you know, like when a Supreme Court justice is nominated and then they're like, this is what I'm fucking talking about, Tom.
If we get a guy who just and we just have it, we just have a fucking it's not going to be cheap.
That's why the new patron that we said, all right, sorry, go ahead.
It would be and we just did deep dives on all our enemies. And then we had a dossier like you go, hey, Eddie Griffin was talking shit about you. And you're like, huh?
And you to let me ask you about that time in Richmond. He's like, okay, never mind. You guys are good guys, guys, because everyone's got dirt on them, everyone.
And that's what that's what's crazy about what happens with online is people ask why I don't reply to fucking shit.
It's a good idea. I don't reply to shit because here's what happens, right. This is what I believe happens. You come out and you reply to shit and then someone sees you for the phony you are, who knows who you really are. And then they go, hmmm, I don't like the way that taste in my mouth. Yeah. I think I'm going to take you down a notch. Yeah. You know, it's like, it's like I'm joking about Amy Schumer obviously.
But like what happens was she what she is the perfect example of the fucking cancer country culture going crazy is that she was this like beloved comic to all dudes.
I do all the New York scene. Loved her when she first did like the roasts, everyone was on her fucking team. Yeah. And then what happened was she spoke up for an issue she believed in, which was feminism or women's rights or whatever. But it was like whatever it was, it went against the party lines, what these brose were into. Yeah. And they went I actually we know you better than they do and we've been watching you.
And and for the record, we weren't going to say shit when you were on our team. But now that you're not, what about Patrice's jokes?
What about all this shit?
What about the time you said you did this in your book or, you know, like and then they just start lighting her up because you can't she by the way, I think she has a right to do what?
Speak about whatever political topics you want to share. But once you start getting into that lane, then all those people that were your fans that don't agree with your politics, then they have all this ammo because they were your fan, they were your fan. They know everything about you. Right. I know that I can't turn my back on these motherfuckers watching this and your mom's house people, because they have so much dirt on me like.
And so that's why I don't say politics, because if I come out politics wise until I get my private investigator. Yeah. And then fuckin hey, here's the thing. I think you got to get a top tier one.
Well, what. We're going to share them. OK, yeah, we're tethered. So we need to make sure that we got each other's backs. That's why we get one p.
I have your back. I got you. I got your fucking back.
Well, you say like that has been tough at times. That's an interesting thing. What's fucking Garth Brooks?
People call me and they're like, hey, man, what's the fucking thing I'm getting?
But it is crazy. Is that like. That's what that's that's where some culture shows up, is when you look hypocritical. That's why I'm amazed that people just fucking thrown rocks like crazy, just going like, fuck you like. And you're just like, did you not like where did you go to high school?
And you didn't drink and drive a couple times. You didn't like, you know, fucking few pops.
And we just had a vision of hitting someone with a hammer or.
You know, skeletons in your closet, like I just picture you and you said you have my back, I was like somebody fucking with Burt, I'll just hit him in the head with a hammer.
Oh, yeah, I would I would get rid of a body with you. I would have to. Yeah. This podcast is too successful. I bet you know what to like. If we were dumping a body like the two of us could probably dig a pretty good grave.
You know, what would our his name be? Because we need I want to really imagine this guy, Jake. Jake and Jake's a good one. Jake. Yeah, Jake, it's Bertan. Tom, listen, we're up on Mulholland.
We got to say all. I'm just waking up. God damn it. You got to leave. Yeah.
Be there in times like real. I wonder if we could get Nick. No, he's not working. Right. McNulty did McNulty know he can play that guy?
Yeah. Yeah. What if we. OK, what if we hire Chase Leppard to to BRP. Right. But saying ViiV McNulty the information to deliver us.
Oh yeah. That'll be a great way to do it.
Chastel, because Chase, I guarantee you, if you hired Chase to dig dirt up on people. Sure. I guarantee you he would. He's I don't mean this bad chase. He's the guy I'm afraid of. Right. So you don't ever want to turn your back on. All right. Anyone who doesn't know Chase is fucking a really great dude lives in San Francisco right now. He's in a in a RV touring the East West Coast or I don't know when this airs, but he is like a legit fan chase.
Uh, one the BlackBerry promo that we ran. Yeah, he is a legit fan. So you like your BlackBerry chase.
The second you turn your back on him, he goes, oh, I think you forgetting who I am.
Oh, right. I know you really good, remember? And so all we need him to do is send threatening things to people like you remember. But delivered by Nick Nolte, Nick shows up, Nick Nolte shows up at Matt Branders door.
He goes, Hey, Brian Unger. Huh? And brolgas. I get why it's not goes.
I'm going, you got a coffee and bronchus like what's going on? He's like, I don't know. I read a tweet opposed to the other day just to remind you about Tom's thirty first birthday. It's like we were sitting next to Grace. You don't remember that, do you? Coffee stale. I'm talking about frozen. That's a perfect. Yeah.
To deliver it like that. I think.
I think we need a fucking pie contest. Let's do a kind of milk in my coffee. God damn it. I drink coffee black. I drink who puts fucking milk in their coffee.
Look at this son of a bitch. She's smart. Tom, it's Nick. Look at him. Younger. He was nauseous. He hit that bottle fucking hard.
Look at it. That's what I'm going to at. That's exactly what you're going to right there.
That is exactly what you're going to look like right there. Fuck.
Yeah, yeah. It's a pretty cool old party guy. Look. Hell yeah. Yeah.
I think that is a very. What's the one where his hair is all wild.
Oh, that's his that's his mug shot, that his mug shot. I've been McNulty mug shot. Yeah, it's amazing that one. Yeah. By the way, I you actually have a hold on.
I actually have a dessert and there's a picture, right. Yeah, I look like that. That's your Halloween. Yeah. Halloween the sobre October one. And I was skinny like yeah.
Oh God. I actually got a nice shirt.
Who would be like let's put our shall we do a contest for a prize. You want to. So here's what we want. OK, let's do a contest. You ready. I want to run this by me first. OK.
We want all the dirt you can dig up. No, no, no, and then we'll get it. Well, you say for us to turn his back on us, unless he wants to turn his back on us and then we take him down, we destroy him.
OK, let's let's put a pin in the private investigator first.
Are there can you get a private investigator?
Can you look up private investigators in Los Angeles? Of course. For real. Is that really still a job? Yes. Look up. Private investigators, Los Angeles. Israeli tiepin, Israeli private investors, but, oh, no, no, no, no, no white, white, no Nadav or even a black. I want to like a fuckin like a like Denzel Washington call, wanting to be like, are you black? And then hang up if they say no.
Sunset Boulevard. No, no, no, no. Hold on. How much is a private investigator? How much is a private investigator? Most private investigators are 100 bucks. How much to put one on retainer, do you think? Well, like, I don't know, like 50 grand, 50 grand for, what, three years?
That's probably accurate. Yeah. Oh, OK. Uh. Ten best private investigators in Los Angeles and what is our mission that we're going to be like, hey, starts this digging. We know it's for it's our first line of defense.
OK, so when we go so like so like we get a phone call from the L.A. tourists about an example, but we get a phone call from a publication. Washington Post calls us, OK, and they're like, hey, this is Bill Hobson. I'd like to run. I have a few questions I'd like to answer you to answer. And you're like, OK, like, did you gamble in college? And I'm like, holy, what was your name again?
And he's like, Well, Hopsin, I go, Osserman, I'm going to call you right back. And then I call it my private investigator. I go dig up all the dirt you can on Willoughby's in uh Washington Post and he's like, awesome. And so then I like and there's nothing they're photoshopped and shit. Get it back to me. And then he and then you call him back, you're like, hey man, I'm so sorry.
I was going through the canyons. What was your question again? And he goes, do did you gamble on sports books in college with a guy named Jeff Harley? And I go, Yeah, so funny.
I did just like when you were at Malvern. And he's like, no, never mind, never mind. No more questions. Right? I like it. I like it a lot.
It's a line of defense. Yeah. I mean it's just like another option. Yeah. I just want to have all our options out there.
Can you go back to that search result real quick? Uh, scroll up. More. Downlow. What's that hit the link for scroll down, down, down, that first one, paramount investigative. Yeah, yeah. It's got thirty four stars.
Oh my God. We start with our wives. I want all the fucking. I want a dossier on all my wife's sexual partners.
Let's just give that guy.
He looks like a fucking. Oh I fucking like this guy. He looks good. I bet if we just gave him a lot of press then maybe he'll do some free work for us. Let's start with our wives. Let's get dossier's made up on our wives. Let's let's see how good he is going to go. Lee-Anne Krischer, I just want a dossier with some pictures of her walking out of a Gelson's, you know, like snap, snap, snap, snap mascara off.
And I'm like, I go, Hey, bitch, what was your matter? What are the services? What does it say? I can't read it. Advanced surveillance here. Let's go. Let's go. After already available services, uh, we're looking to hire a private investigator who's like team of individuals who remain may include larger invest in additional investment than our competitors. Our clients receive the assurance of mutually beneficial. Is that. All right? So scroll down.
Advanced surveillance utilizing the latest innovative technology climbing out of a dumpster.
Yeah, um, a more. Cheating partner or spouse, um, unsavory individuals, discreetly, OK, Skrull more. Make more anything else, OK? Personal injury stuff, no, no, no, no more. No, no, no. Talk about destroying. Yeah, I don't think they they advertise. Are you looking to destroy someone?
Uh, I think it would be great. It won't be great, like let's let's start with us so that we know what we got in our closet and he shows you a file and you're like, OK, you're hired. You're really good. Yeah.
And he's like he's like, Burt, this starter and your eighth year of college, did you ever you're like to do that?
This started because I was talking to Lee-Anne about like, uh, about the premise of people making face false claims against you to a publication and then ruining your career. Yeah. And I said, if I think I would lose, I would really actually lose my mind. If a false claim was laid against me, I would lose my mind.
Like, I would be like, I wonder what it's like to have a false claim, you know?
I mean, like if if somebody made a false claim or a bird masturbated in front of the Richmond Funnybone. Yeah. To me. And you were like, I didn't do that. And that story was there, like, because you definitely didn't do it. Don't you think there's like like like if somebody said right now, today, that you came in here and pulled your dick out and everybody was shocked and you didn't do that. So you feel like you be like, what the fuck.
But react in a what the fuck way?
Because it's yeah, but I'll tell you what the thing is, it's the whole thing. I mean, I'm not even joking about making it lighthearted. This whole thing about Bird is racist. When I started, I really didn't even acknowledge it. Yeah, I just laughed.
I actually laughed. And when it was played well, I thought it was fucking humorous. And then what happened was, is that when race became the number one issue in our country, that joke was taking a turn where all of a sudden I had to start defending it. You I was like and it was making me crazy because it was like on the day that mom posted those black squares, all anyone did was write to me. And I don't know if they were joking or not, but it seemed very serious on Instagram, like, no, you actually are racist, you are a racist.
And this joke is now proven that it's never been a joke. That and then I was like, hold on. Like and then I started losing my mind. So I was like, I didn't I really didn't do anything.
And then you're defending yourself against shit. So like I said, Illiana, I go, I would be like Harrison Ford in the fucking fugitive. Like if if Leon died. Right. Like, this is my biggest fear.
I mean, so many jokes about Leon dying, like so many. Yeah. That if something happened to her, I could not defend myself. Like I would. Look, I know I've spoken to you about this, but like I have this thing where I, I behave guilty when I haven't done something. I told you this, right. I behave guilty if Leon disappeared.
I would be like I would be up to the podium right by myself and I'd be like, you guys know, I didn't do it right, and everyone be like, Whoa, who says that?
And I'm like, no, seriously, if I was going to kill her, that's not how this isn't how I do it. But then they keep being like maybe like while I go on a cruise ship, everyone knows you can kill people on cruise ships and they're like this guys. Everybody cut them off, cut his mind, cut his mike. So, like, that's my fear is like that Harrison Ford shit.
And my wife, people say that there's I mean, I've joked so much about hunting people and murdering them and burying them and chopping them up. Yeah. The thrill of tying them up and keeping them alive. And you know, that like. Yeah. Somebody I don't know, even three connections from me happened to have some. I'm sure that it would be like you definitely did that shit.
Oh my biggest my biggest fear for cancel is something happening to LeAnn.
And then because I, I have joked so much about.
But that's just that's your brain like you have your jokes are like oh nothing happens to it. Like, like. Yeah. No one's thinking that you actually would do that.
But I'm a private investigator and then I go Jake. Yeah.
Uh Leons Liane's missing. We need her back immediately. I mean, the dogs are hungry. The girls haven't been fed like we need her immediately or someone about ten years younger her than looks like her, you know, like the old goldfish or replacement.
I mean, what happened to LeAnn? She's got a story, Jake.
You know, SACE Asian's. All right.
So, I mean, he's an old guy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He says shit like that.
OK, so put a pin in. Our private investigator should have dropped another bomb on the Japs. All right. I'll get it done for you.
I'm gonna let him out of internment camps. Jake, take Jake easy.
Jake, this is a fun character, a racist, but he's got to be really good at his job.
Yeah, he's good at his job. So you can't call him on it. Yeah, well, you can, but you're just like, you know, you should really.
He's like now he used to have their own water fountains. It was easier. All right. So like, take, take, take. He is I guess you forgot about when you were in high school, huh? Well, you did with your buddy Blake. Where you guys dress? I mean. OK, ok, ok. OK. Oh, picture here. A lot of makeup on someone's face.
I gotta tell you, I think it's funnier and shit. I love those old minstrel figures.
All right. I love it. I found it funny.
I bet The Washington Post when I said Tyvon in Columbus last week.
Did we did you you didn't pull your dick out in Columbus?
No. No, I did not. I did not.
I don't know when I was aware that dropping your pants in public was not cool, but I know that it's not. What about in my hotel room? When was that? I've done that to you a number of times. Yeah, I've done that to you.
Like, I remember one time you saying if you don't know what Bert's dick looks like, doesn't look like, then you're not his friend. Yeah.
Yeah, I remember I remember one time naked, you were naked in my room and and you'd done the tuck so you'd touch you and you're just standing there posing.
I'm like, I think you got pictures of it. I do have pictures. And then you posted it on Facebook. I did. And that was my first Facebook strike. And then you are naked and squatting in a corner.
I was like, what are you doing? Like, I'm just sitting over here. And then I was like, You're right.
And you go, I'm fucking hammered right now. And I was like, I go, You are? And you're like, Yeah, you can tell. I'm like, No, you seem exactly the way you are.
Thankfully, I am lucky now that I am so sexually broken.
Like I was like like I'm not. I can't. I cannot. I could never and I still can't switch it into sexy mode. Oh right.
Like I couldn't you will never hear a girl say. And then Bert pushed me up against the wall and kissed me like I had the hardest time kissing girls. Yeah. That if I, if I call my buddy Obbie right now and I said. There's two guys I the other guy's name's Burt also, oddly enough, is we used I used to get myself into a corner where I didn't I said Italiana is like if a girl went out on a date with me, I assumed she wanted to find out if I was a cool dude.
And if you wanted to be a cool dude, you would then later you shouldn't try to kiss her on the first date, because I don't want to put her in an uncomfortable situation where she has to be like, eh, I just want to dinner and a conversation or I think you're funny or whatever. Yeah. So then I never kiss on the first date and never kiss on the first date. I really never, I've never been able I don't have the balls to like for whatever reason me stopping talking and leaning in is so vulnerable for me.
Yeah. That it made me uncomfortable and so I was like that for a long time.
I mean like, like early young age. I didn't have the you know, I wasn't comfortable, confident enough to do it. I feel like really never confident enough.
And I was to the point where my buddy Bob used to joke that I was gay because I couldn't kiss girls. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I just it's like not that I it's not that I respected them a ton, but I just felt like it wasn't anything like.
No, it was just for me it was like I'm not comfortable and I would go out with girls like for dates and not kiss them because then on the second day go if you don't kiss them then you're like, well fuck no, I miss my let's go for the third date and the third date. It's so uncomfortable. You're like, all right, one more date. No, four fucking dates. Wouldn't they be like, I guess you don't like me.
I guess you don't like me. I guess I'm in the friendzone with him.
Yeah, there's girls. There was a girl who came back to my room, by the way, this girl, this happened twice with this girl happened again in New York.
She came up to party with us and it twice, twice.
I didn't do anything because I didn't like the first time. It was like we we both had boyfriends and girlfriends. I got a girlfriend, a boyfriend. And we went back to my place and we hung out in my room listening to music.
And I was like I was like, I definitely think she wants to look up. But I didn't because I didn't I didn't want to change the way she saw me because I felt like if I tried to kiss her and she really just want to listen to music, then I could never be her friend again because she would be like, Oh, so that's all you seniors.
Yeah. And so I didn't kiss her. And then in New York, we hung out again and and I was like and she was single and I was single and but she had told me about something that made her seem vulnerable. And I just felt uncomfortable going like you just confided a secret in me. It would be weird if I was like, oh, that's really crazy.
I must have heard a lot, you know?
So like, whatever fucking sensitivity, I have a reason. I've only had sex with six people, some women, because but it was like, is insecurity to like to move forward. Yeah. Yeah. It's a fear of pushing forward to the next phase. Yeah. Is, is the joke.
It is like I used to have jokes about, about grabbing the antennas are it's so not who I am at all in real life like I like that's, that's usually that's why you can make jokes like that.
I mean I'm kind of the same way I'll say really crazy things, but it's because I'm not actually like that that you can joke like that, you know, or.
Yeah I felt I was ashamed of, of my lack of being a cool dude. Yeah. I remember one time being in an opportunity, two girls that I knew pretty well and and a famous comedian. And I ended up at a bar in an apartment and a house party and in a room and that one comedian decided it was time for us all to fuck.
And he took things by the hand so quickly, like it was like that, I fucked it up for him and them and me because it made me uncomfortable.
What you do start giggling. I started giggling and I go, what are you doing?
And he was like, stop, turn it off is going to happen. And I was like, I don't think I can make it happen. I was like, Oh my God.
Or What was he like? What are you doing? No, no. I will try to laugh. No, no, no, no. I mean, was he like, hey, no.
He was like, oh, I want to do an impression of him too. And I don't know I don't know how to do it anymore.
So he was like, damn like that, you know, he took his shirt off and started rubbing his nipple, like, come out back, take it back out like that.
No, no, no. He was like he's like, oh, brown.
That is like come up at the lab and bury it, huh?
Oh, no, keep going. I tell you what he said. I don't know who they like.
Oh, I'm like, top stop talking. They're going to be asleep in a second. Oh, God. Oh. Oh, my God. Yeah, I fucked up that for some.
I'd really like to know who this is. I would be curious.
Wouldn't it be cool to blabber. Hey Bird is Todd Glass. Oh he texted me the other day.
Yeah. Yeah I forgot. Todd last texts are always the funniest fucking texts. What do you say. I don't know.
I mean I read it. You like reading it now for the first time, you know, because you know, it's not serious. Yeah, it's Tallgrass being funny. Well, as I said, I really enjoyed listening to your episode about comedy during this pandemic and hearing the other side of it. I hope you're having fun as fun as you can be, especially if you stop reading it.
It is part of a series, OK? It was like a year in which to me was your what episode about comedy? Nothing is the joke that other podcasts were about the same fucking thing.
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I can't even be like sexually intelligently am do I remember you just sparked a memory. I remember I was, I got together with this girl in college and as we were like getting naked and getting closer she goes I don't suck Dick.
And I was like, oh boom. And I don't listen. Yeah, no, I was, I was just like, oh, like especially if, like, you're about to hook up, like for someone to say that you're like, well then. I mean, it seems like you're not that much fun. Yeah, like, yeah, I was just like, oh, you got like a pretty big bush. I'm not that into that either.
What's a weird fuckin thing to throw? I don't suck, Dick. And you're like, right away. Call me either. I was like I was like, OK, well, like, well, don't think that I'm in a rush to do you any fucking favors.
Now, by the way, Dr. Drew's wife. Yeah. Has increased the amount of game time my dick has gotten in mals exponentially. Really like strangers but no just xpo eventually she.
I it it sparked a conversation that has changed fucking everything so like. I don't know the right way to say this, but like I explained to LeAnn, hey, I don't need to just finish in your mouth, like a little bit of a little bit of that goes a long way. Sure. Just especially like to start off for by a little foreplay, because what it does is it just wakens up everything down there as opposed when you have straight and your dog, your dicks kind of like wake up a little bit like get gets sleep out of it.
It's like, hold on one second. Is this a fucking we're already coming. Also, we're not like spring chickens.
I mean, like get us to start with a little something like. Yeah, yeah.
Can you tickle my taint for a little bit or get me ready to go as opposed to my dick going old on my backs out.
Oh yeah. Yeah. So I'm up here man and stretch a little bit.
I'm telling you man it is gotten every time, starts off a little downstairs every time.
And it's great because you get to like as opposed like you get to relax and now it's about you and you're like yeah I worship my temple now it's about you.
Oh I can't stand like this.
I can't put my arms like this which gives me a blowjob. She gets upset really. Like, are you kidding. I'll put my hands like this like Superman. Oh yeah. She makes them put like oh I like to do this in bed.
Well I'll go like this. And she's like, what do you like I in like the nineteen. Are you like oh rich ravage me.
I do the Heisman. I like I remember one time getting a blowjob when I was drunk and I passed out and I just started snoring just while you're getting blown.
And she was like, are you fucking serious? And I was like, that's why I need to sleep. I need to ask Dr. Drew's going to hook me up with sleep apnea. Man told you this is good. He fucking jumped on it, dude. He's like a legit doctor because he doesn't want you to die. Like, that's actually like the highest probability of you die of you dying.
Like in this next window of time is in your sleep. He's coming he's coming over Wednesday and giving me a full exam. I got to pay for the mass myself. I think. I don't care. I just I'd rather pay for it. Pay for it and get it. Yeah. And what if you like, what if he had his exam?
I just start losing weight like crazy. No, he examines you and like he's like, touch my dick.
Oh I touch it. You know, he's got a fucking hog. Yeah. Yeah.
It's like he's like I close your eyes. He's like, what's this on your nose? And you're like, well it's like no, what's this I'm putting on your nose.
Like, Hey, what if he's like, all right, I'm going to test your reflexes. And he just grabbed your head and starts like this and you're like, oh, he's like, your reflexes are off. OK, hold on, stay down there. I want to see how good you can tell him. I'm like, OK, this is a reflex test once again. All right. You learned about it better than I thought.
And he's like, and here's your mask. Good doing business with me. What's up, Jesus?
Um, you're the best man. You have other nicknames. We were talking about nicknames. I've had nicknames my whole life. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, what's the football player? There's a football player. His name's Pancake. Robot Pancake. Pancake robot. Robot Pancake Robot. It's a great fucking nickname.
Sounds like an O lineman kind of nickname, is it. Yes. An O lineman who pancakes people. Yeah, what's his name? No, it's pancake block, but pancake robot, is that his name? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no Quenton Nelson, the pancake robot, I just thought it was such a cool fucking nickname. The him right there, yeah. And by the way, I just realized, is it about laying people flat, it's not about eating pancakes.
Yeah, pancaking people in football is when you know, it's so funny.
I thought that clip of him. Can I tell you that I sincerely thought it was him in an apron and tidy whiteys making pancakes like crazy, really? I swear to God. Can you make it bigger? Is he 78? I don't know. I know that's him coming out right there. Oh, him taking someone.
Yeah, he's the one coming across. You're going to see flatting to do that, I think. Or not. I think we're on the wrong highlight. Now, what number is he, 74? 56. Robot, that's that's such a different nickname than I thought it was going to be. You can close this down. God, so if you type in that guy on YouTube, I bet we'll get a highlight reel as opposed to. That's so funny.
You knew that his nickname was about flattening people. Yeah. Pancakes, pancake blocks. Yeah, I thought it was about eating and making pancakes. And it made me like him so much because I was like I but he's fun as well looking at him and he probably does eat.
Um, you can and I would do highlights.
OK, that's pancake walk. All right. Yes it. Go to. Oh, I'm fucking hungry, Tom. You're hungry looking at that, Carl's Jr., what's that called the Carl's Jr. that, by the way, that ad worked really well. Now you. Yeah, there are ads that do they should work.
We should do our own ads for. OK, make this big. The 56. Yeah, there is right there is the left guard. I love that he just threw and he's pretty good. By the way, I bet he's so much fun to eat chicken wings with. Oh, yeah.
Hey, we should get some alignment. Oh, that's that's a that's a pancake right there. Do you see that? I say, OK, so he busted out to the to the left linebacker here. Watch. So he he goes the standing outside linebacker there. Yeah. He's going to shift to the left and just throw him out.
Yeah. Yeah. I could do that if the guy wasn't looking. Yeah yeah. Yeah you could definitely do that. Yeah. Like yeah.
Oh my God. Yeah.
I guarantee it really sucks to get hit by this pancake robot. What now that team is so different.
So let's see if he's going to run. He's going to crush somebody. Yeah. Yeah he's killing people. Um so what is this going to be so much fun to do with Warren Sapp. Oh fuck.
Oh I cannot wait for him to be like is a bitch like I want him to be like he ain't shit.
I'm so excited for the trash talk from him and like the insight that he that he brings like awareness to us about like things going on, plus all the locker room shit. You know, that's what we need to add to this show, which is when we find a player we like, we give him a nickname. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Pink Robot. It's so funny.
I really thought of him in an apron. No shirt, tidy whities, making pancakes. You know their name, right. Uh, killer it was. Yeah. Kubi killer I think. Yeah. What are good.
What are good NFL nicknames. Wait what were your nicknames.
I have a million edwar penis lips. Um yeah. Why. Because there was this porn called Edwar Penis Hands. I remember that porn and uh they used to put me when I was a pledge, you know, I understand is a atrocity now saying a lot of things I did when I was growing up that happened to me. I realize now we're totally illegal. But they would put me in a box under the television where there was like there was a little there was like a built in for the television.
And so you could get behind it and get under it. And the sleeve where they would put the VCR, you know, like that little door that would open, yeah, they would just put me in there during hell week and I would they would turn the porn off and I would I could see the porn in the in the reflection and thing. And I would comment on I would be like I would do the voiceover and one of the ones was Edward Pina's hands.
And I couldn't understand what it was.
And then when they showed his penis hands, I started laughing so fucking hard and everyone else started laughing and we were all laughing that then they called me a penis.
Lips was my nickname, OK? And I big lips. These are passing around by my lip, which I know is now a hate crime. They just fucking guy on the left and moved me around. And your lips are also like big and voluptuous and gorgeous and great to kiss. And sometimes they're like sometimes I leaned into the fact that they're big and I would guess like this I just go a little too little. I bet chicks like that. Yeah.
And then I repeat it. I was nature boy in high school, the man I give myself the Beamon my second sophomore year, the p man that one stuck man I've been man kills. It was what I just used to yell at parties. Yeah. I just get drunk. Go it betrayed McPheters by the way.
When did that. And my daughters have given me. I started calling you Bertrand a long time ago. Yeah. And ba ba ba ba ba ba ba was stock. Bernt was the best. Bernt is the burnt Chrysler. We were at a cowboy ranch and the guy and there was like a fan. There was, it was just recently it was my family and then another family and then and that's all we owned. We had the whole dude ranch to ourselves.
And so there was this guy, Cowboy Dave. And he said something about some of the kids said, oh, dad can play a guitar because he had a guitar and he was like, oh, you're not a musician. They said, no, he's a comedian. And they were like, oh. And then someone said, oh, he's like a famous comedian. And he goes, Oh, what's his name? And they told him. So then he wrote a song about me and he fucked my name up and he called me Bruce.
And my kids were crying, laughing and they called me Bruce throughout the trip.
That's so funny because it became like I feel like after Bernt and I would always be like I was hanging out with Bart with burnt out mispronounced your name, that it became like a meme to say the wrong name, because then I felt like Ari, sorry to say Brad and like all these things. And then so when when you talk to warn that, for example, he's like, hold up, Brett.
I was like, no, I it happened to me so much. I thought he was actually doing the joke for us. I don't know.
But then he called me Tony three times and I was like, oh yeah, I'm on the phone. He's like, don't let me tell you something like, hold on me. I'm not Tony.
That has been burnt, has been burnt. My favorite burns the good ones burns good. Brent all the different variations of them are good. Bruce made my kids laugh.
The best was when four four burnt was when they would throw it on a marquee like when the venues got involved with the joke.
You know what's so funny is I thought that that would make me laugh the most because you knew that that someone was a fan. When we were doing the drive in movie theater tour, the first one of them, the all the guys that worked at Hotbox were fans of the podcast. Yeah. And they put up a sign fueled by thirty years of Kool-Aid. Forty seven. Forty seven years of Kool-Aid on the fucking marquee. Yeah. Those make me laugh hard as fuck.
It's Yeah. I don't, I don't, I don't really.
I've had a I look calls me fetus now is my new nickname Fetus. Yeah. It was, I was upset that they weren't calling me dad. They've never called me dad.
Yeah. And they, and she started calling me Fafi and I was like don't call me fafi. That sounds like a fucking jerk off in prison to. Yeah, she was like a fetus and I go, don't call me for a fetus. She was a fetus. And then she changed my fuckin. If you look at my. If you look at my Netflix, yeah, it says Vytas, you look right when you log in, you have to pick which one you want to be.
Yeah, I guess my profile in the in a fetus. That's how you spell fetus. Yeah.
Well, she's also dyslexic. Yeah, I like that. Driving through Texas, we Ellis will be like, hey jerk.
And I'm like, don't you call me a jerk. He's like, sorry wheat. Why would you call me wheat. Yeah, he's like wheat. I was like, what does that mean? He's like, nothing snake.
I mean, he's like, can I call you poop? And I'm like, sure, can I tell you, I must have watched Christina singing to him a million. I got one. You do? Yeah. Oh, please play it. Can you send it to Ndaba and have him play it.
Yeah, I can. Oh that makes me laugh. There's nothing better than parents fucking with their kids.
Well, what did I tell, what was the lie I told my girls the other day and I didn't and I let it go. I just did it. Yes, the other day. Oh, I love fucking with kids, OK. OK, what was that? Singing is my singing is terrible. Well, let me try it. I'm proud to be an American.
I like anything, but I'm trying to sing for you. No, I don't want I don't want any American.
I know, but I thought you like music, I don't. You're always playing music on your record player. What do you mean? You don't like music? You like music? Yeah, people music, not people music. You don't like when people sing. What if it's a nice song? So I just just like SpongeBob songs. God, I can sing that one for you. Sure. I can tell who lives in us. I ought to see a fucking little band.
Why does he hate singing so much? I don't know. But he does hate it, you know, like that one else. You don't like that SpongeBob song? OK, you want me to sing it? Can we sing it together? This is amazing. Please. You know, when can we sing it? See why sometimes what can we sing like together, a song that we can't. I have a very nice voice I'd like to sing for you in your pocket.
Do you think I have a good voice or not? You don't. I don't. Don't better. I need a better voice.
How would you describe my voice? So looking at looking, take a new mouth and more singing. OK, thanks, man. That right. You don't change my mouth. Why not in one thousand. Thanks buddy. Turn right. Yeah.
That's so interesting. Why did he, why did he start hating singing. It's always been like that any time.
If we're like happy birthday. He's like he just fucking yellow.
Actually, you know what he started with? Like when you have like a I don't know, I guess when he's like speaking right on a little over a year or something, when you're just like, um, you know, you're rocking your kid and you're like, how's my beautiful baby?
Like, you're like, really? Yeah.
Because you think like, you know, oh, I'll just, like, sing to my child. So were you like this at all as a kid now? Was Christina more so? I think really I can see that. Yeah, I can definitely see Christina having parameters on a lot of things.
Yeah, I was I was a child. Yeah. I was a sweet kid.
So is, is, is doing more like you and then Alice is more like push and physically do I want to fucking hang out with Alice. I just want to, I want to. He's a lot of fun. I want to do a lot of that is I want him and I I think would get along very well.
Yeah. Oh yeah.
Now he's a good time. He, he really is a lot of fun to be. You know what I want to do. I want to set it up so that we say, hey, like you bring it to my house and then we get George out of the scene doing a scene, you and gently and just go, hey, we're going to go out to eat Eila. You're going to watch Julian for a little or Alice for a little while and just watch it on the nest cam.
Just watch the two of them try to fucking cohabitate. Oh, yeah. And then just right before we leave go. He loves when you sing to him. Oh, my God.
And if you could, like, tell her, like, uh, hey, here's some shit we're going to break. He'll be like, yeah, that'll be a lot of fun.
Anything you break through. And he really is into that.
She I look, I pulled out like when we were in the girls were babies.
We kiss them on the lips. And then I was the first one very young, like, I don't like that shit. You don't kiss me on the lips. Yeah. Like that. And I was like, OK. And then because I was up until like ninth grade. No kidding.
Oh really old. No, no. But some families do that so I just kissed my dad on the lips I think up until I was in like high school really. That was because we could tell if I was drinking or not. Oh yeah. Like Munch, come upstairs, give me a kiss.
That's like a real sad turn. Yeah.
He was like, yeah, we had to kiss my lips every night before I went to bed. I did come home and you just fucking brush your teeth aggressively. Yeah.
That's when I was brushing a lot of eyebrows in your mouth. I bet you started to put together that if you brush your teeth, you had been drinking. Right. If he was like, oh, crest, that's fucking booze.
Yeah. And then. Yeah. And then I come home with tons of Drakkar Noir.
Oh yeah. My dad's like a lot of golon tonight, buddy.
I was like, you know, bitches. And he's like, yeah, I know. My mom was like, oh what.
I remember when you thought I thought that Drakkar Noir and when I was in middle school, I was like, that is the smell of an elite man who that is the nicest smell that exists.
I Lodrick for Drakkar Noir and I looked for the best smell I've ever had. Obsession, obsession, obsession by men, my obsession for men, a good obsession. Also, I've been obsession. Obsession smelled so fucking good to this day.
I think I'm always looking to smell like obsession. That obsession for men. Yeah. It was such a fresh the deodorant I got now is is phenomenal, what is it? It is. It smells like Jolly Ranchers.
I like nice smells like I like I got a nice body wash, a nice aftershave. I like fresh. I don't like this, but I don't like a cologne so to speak.
You I don't wear cologne, I work alone to Sebastian show in at the forum. You work cologne for his show. Yes. I told him I was like I'm dressing up because I dressed up like, would you dress, would you wear like I had like a collared shirt, tight fitted collared shirt, open a button to hear a lot of gold chains like nine rings. And they're like, how do I look gay?
And it's about it's like, you smell good. I was like, yeah, I actually texted him and told him, I'm wearing cologne for your show.
In school. I had an asthma attack.
I couldn't breathe. It was like so aggressive. What was it for the show? It's it's it's I didn't pronounce the cologne. Right? Oh, somebody sent me one. A cologne. Yeah. Savage.
Is it called Varg Savage. Who's, uh, that's, uh, it's a it's a I don't know. Send it to me. What is it? You're a savage scrouge, salvage the salvage salvage. Maybe I need to add a little. Here's the thing about the clone, though, and any time like if you don't have it on a guy wearing cologne for me, I'm always like, Jesus Christ, man. Like, it's so aggressive, doesn't it doesn't like feel subtle in the slightest.
It never feels subtle.
It always feels like it's overwhelming. You want cologne to be like if you go in to give the person a hug, you know. Right.
But not like you're in the elevator.
You're like, what's wrong with you, man? What the fuck is wrong with this Uber driver? Yeah. You ever get an Uber and you're like, Jesus, bro, do you know I think you might have covid.
Yeah. I mean, that's what did I say.
That's a person in any community.
As I said one time, I said I didn't work alone tonight, buddy, you like a lot. But luckily my Uber driver put on enough for both of you.
You got me one minute. You weren't fucking Drakkar Noir.
The best is when you can get an Uber driver just to talk and reckless shit about people.
Oh, just like just throw up about races and women. Just women drivers. Just the man. I don't know man. I don't think women should be driving an SUV is everybody. I tell you right now. Yeah.
The guns in my country cut their hands off. Yeah. Wave them in their face. All right.
That was a pretty good episode. That was fun. Yeah, that was a fun. We've hopefully we'll get a pie out of this. I really hope that a pie reaches out. Yeah. Although I would love someone that just is like I'm assuming right now you're on the road.
Well, as we as this airs. Yeah, I'm on the road. Are you doing dates on the way back. I don't think so. You haven't decided yet. I haven't decided yet. I don't think so.
I just come home to and by the way, if one of these Hollywood companies, we can just trade out a straight up, um, well, what do they call it? A retainer. We got one pie. Probably give us like a young one. I want a young one. Fuckin reckless. I want crazy. Like, I want fun. Yeah. That kind. And then and we'll just just put little banners every now and then we'll pop up on YouTube and we want fucking dirt.
We're going to run, we're going to fucking start off big and get you guys to dossie our wives and I want to join and then the staff and then the staff.
We want dossier's on the staff.
I want, I want like you know what I would like I would like inside, like they're like, just give you a call. Heads up. The dog went to Burger King twice yesterday, you know, like for real.
And they're like, yeah. And then and then you can just be like just drop it on him so he knows we got eyes on it.
So he's like, how is that chicken sandwich? He's like, what are you talking about? How did you know I got a whopper.
Yeah. Just I would love Dr. Milkshake. Really. And then what's our first comic we're going to dossie.
Uh, it's got to be someone fun.
I wouldn't mind a dossier on. Oh we dossie Ari. Yeah, well, that guy might be like, you know, I have to turn this over to a prosecutor for the perfect way that this happen. All right. Love you. Love you, too.
Bye bye. Tom Solomon, where one goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories in bird snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call sandbaggers case. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur photography, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what I recall. So there's one case.