Editor's Note: This transcript was automatically transcribed, so mistakes are inevitable. You can contribute by proofreading the transcript or highlighting the mistakes. Sign up to be amongst the first contributors.
LeAnn caught me picking my nose and eating it once. Oh, yeah, yeah, the fuck you doing. And I was like, Oh we're past the honeymoon phase. How often are you seeing this is pretty often.
He goes in phases. It comes and goes like he'll get into a phase where he's doing it all the time.
I'll go fucking Burt, you're going to be in a meeting and not realize you're picking your nose and eating boogers with, like the head of NBC. You have to stop doing this.
Hundred percent. This episode of Two Bears, One Cave is brought to you by ship station. The holidays are right around the corner and this year we know that people will be buying more stuff online than ever before. If you're an e-commerce seller, are you ready to meet the demands of a record breaking online shopping season? Be ready with ship station when you're selling online, getting a massive Matamoras out quickly. It can be tough. How do you get track of who gets what?
Which carrier should you use?
Are you getting the best rates? You can get it all resolved? That ship station Dotcom, you've got a ship station that helps online sellers get orders out quickly, save money on shipping costs and keep customers happy. No matter where you're selling Amazon, Etsy, your own website ship station brings all your orders into one simple interface.
And right now, two bears.
One cave listeners can try ship station free for 60 days.
When you use our offer Code Cave, make sure your business is ready to meet. The demands of a massive online shopping season get started at ship station Dotcom today. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in cave. That's ship station dotcom. Enter our offer code cave.
See a V ship station dotcom make ship happen.
This episode was also brought to you by Satava essayed TV a head on over to Satava Dotcom.
The shit. That's right. The Euro is sort of a dotcom slash.
The shit you get two hundred and twenty five dollars off your purchase of any mattress.
They make incredible mattresses. I've had them all currently. I'm sleeping on the Solaire. When I slept on it and it sat up for me, I called the VP of Marketing and I said, this thing's a shit. And he said, we'll make it the euro. And I was like, All right, so you guys, let me tell you, you can do zero gravity setting.
It can vibrate you to sleep like you're a child. You can do anything.
It's an incredible, incredible mattress, great environmentally friendly products, incredible customer service, get a sort of get a luxury firm, get illumined leaf memory foam or get the Solaire. It's my personal and current favorite had to Satava Ezat TV.com the shit. Well, it doesn't matter where they're born, they're just people.
OK, hey guys, welcome to another episode, two bears, one cave. I'm really excited to actually get to speak.
This episode is my usual co-host is gone and I have the most lovely replacement, his beautiful wife, LeAnn, the wife of the party for the party.
Everyone's that was and there's a there's a whole there's like a better morale here with Albir. Yeah, of course.
You know, as I've always said, he casts a wide wait. Yeah. You're so right. You're so right. But we should point out something. The two of us, I would say the two of us really on different levels, obviously love him and understand him to a degree that many people don't, because I do adore Robert.
I love him. Same here.
Yeah. And I think sometimes it makes him feel bad because we're I'm always talking about the negative.
Yeah. Because there's so much of it. Yeah. But it doesn't mean there's not almost an equal amount of positive.
Almost. Almost, yes.
So yeah he's a great person. He is, he's a sweet guy. And like I said, like there's a certain you know with a bunch of people, there's certain people where you go, you know, like certain people really click with other people. Right. And sometimes sometimes you meet those people like a certain person. You'll be like, man, something just doesn't work for me here. And you realize that somebody else really understands them, you know?
I feel like we have a similar thing, obviously, your spouse. But it's, you know, one of my best friends and and I feel I feel a deep connection with it, with him.
It's mutual. He loves you to pieces. Yeah. I mean, every piece and part of you and push.
But yeah. You know, it's it's different when you have a friend, you know, Bird's friends with a lot of women. Yeah. He just I guess grew up with two sisters. Sure. He's very chick friendly in that way.
You know, a lot of his rhetoric doesn't sound like it.
Sure. It sure doesn't. It doesn't. But at his core. Yeah. Well, you know how many emails I get from two bear one cave episodes. Yeah.
It's like, why do you let him talk about banging all these hot chicks possibilities on the road?
I'm like, seriously, first of all, can you imagine trying to stop that? Hey, that conversation terrified of disease. Yeah. So all of it is just complete bullshit. Yeah. So I don't care. Yeah. He ain't going nowhere. Could you imagine what he would do without me.
We're going to get into that. You would, you would.
I would say to you you're welcome. Because they'd probably move to your house. Yeah. Yeah. What would you do. I mean, what do you think he would do without you? Well, you know what? I had that fall recently. Yeah. I had this fall and I ended up in the hospital.
Will you tell people what happened, though? Yeah, I. I got up. I was walking to let the cat out. Really innocently. I mean, I was fully awake, I thought, and got almost to the door and I just thought to myself, Wow. My head is moving faster than my feet.
And then I hit the floor like I hit the floor with my face. And so and I'm so dumb because I hit the floor. I don't want to wake my kids up. Bert was obviously out of town and I clean myself of a new much and needed stitches because I could get really to stop bleeding.
It was kind of open, so I just like, bandaged it back together. I was like nine a.m. meeting with the contractor. Got to go put my mask on, did my meeting with the contractor, 10:00 a.m. I got I got to work out with my trainer, worked out at 10 a.m. and my friend Sandy, who works at MIT with me, was like, what's going on?
Something's wrong. And I was like, yeah, Balbus bust my mouth open. And I kind of passed out while I was walking. And she was like, hold on, you need to go to the hospital. I was like, no, no, no.
I didn't realize you did all this before you went to the hospital.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I fell at six and I left for the hospital at one because I was like, I had to take the dog to the vet. I put my chin back together, is going to be OK.
I just got to get from A to B, and I had been on this kind of I got to get from A to B. Yes.
Train for many, many months.
So I think what really happened is, you know, when you go, go, go and then you go on vacation, you get really sick, you finally slowed down.
Slow down. Yeah, I think that's what happened is that we had been go go going for so long, so much stuff going on. Yes.
And, you know, I have a whole big platter of stuff that Bert doesn't even know exists. And then I deal with the platter of Bert.
So I have to big platter. There's lots of platters, it's a lot of juggling. So I think once Burt went back on the road, kids went back to what kind of relief do you feel when he goes on the road?
You know what stresses me out the most about Burt when he's home is that he is really messy. And so I spend my day kitchen size 13 shoes to the side just to walk through my house all day long. And the dishes never stop. And especially in in covid, he was like no cleaning person.
As as much as I didn't enjoy my cleaning person in the first place, I haven't had one since March.
So because he doesn't want you in the house. Right. So I just made it just that stresses me out. Yes. The extreme. It was so bad that my cleaning lady would show up and go, Bert's not home this week.
She could just tell it from the front door, like, you can open the front door and go, OK, he's out of town. Wow. Is that different?
That's the one thing that really when he leaves, I'll spend like half a day getting my shit in order.
And then I'm like, oh, and then you have that piece or that cleanliness for the time that he's gone. Yes. Yeah. Except for now. You just had a birthday. I did, yeah. Burt, uh, made mention of it. Clip number one. Oh yeah. Yeah. And see what this looks like.
You're calling me an old hag.
You're like an old bitch. I got a divorce. She knows her place. Yeah. Fifty. She does what she needs to do.
So I told her, I said, you know what? You just ride along. Yeah. OK, so I'm in the hospital, right? Getting myself checked out. Yeah.
He's calling my friend Sandy and he's going, what am I going to do without her? What am I going to do without her? I mean, what did she die? Sandy, what if she has a brain tumor? Sandy That's it. Me and my kids are moving into your house. You have two bedrooms. Extra. I'm moving into your house. You got me. I'm yours. I mean, like in Sandy was like, first of all.
No, no. Second of all, she's going to be fine.
This is fine. He wasn't doing that with me. He was staying very calm with you. But with Sandy, he was like crying.
He was coming totally undone. Wow. And Sandy was like, just so you know, nothing can ever happen to you because he's not living with me.
Well, I do think he would fall apart completely. Oh, yeah. Oh, you do you really hold it together for him.
I agree with you. Yeah. Oh, God.
What now? The old bitch holds it all together. All this wondering if you ever really keep track is when he's on the road. We discussed this on the phone recently about how it can really fall off the rails on the road for him.
Yeah, like what do you like? Here's a I think this recaps a daily intake of him for him of food.
Oh, I think so, yeah. Britos and then went back in bed and went on my phone and scrolled LeAnn came home and was like, what are you having for lunch?
And I was like, I haven't eaten yet. So we had Chinese food for lunch.
So I had a I had moo shu pork burrito. And then and then I think I didn't eat again until dinner was dinner, pizza, homemade pizza. And what kind of pizza is that one was with. Onions and mushrooms, ones with pepperoni, one with bacon and one with cheese. What do you mean how many pizzas? I eat one of everything and French fries and some beers and beers and beers. Because you say beers for Sam Adams beers, a glass of wine.
But he didn't eat anything between red wine and another glass of buffalo trace. So for three years to Buffalo Trace is in a bottle of wine to Buffalo traces in a bottle of wine. And then what about Kool-Aid yesterday in Kuwait?
OK, I'll buy two of these. A gallon of Kool-Aid. Yeah, in the in the sauna. Is it better to know exactly that he's dogging about?
No, I know exactly you would know exactly the days that so much it's every day, dude, every fucking day I can, you know, hearing the the intake actually makes me go, wow, he's really actually holding it together much better. Yeah.
Like, I realize if he lived like a semi health conscious from an intake standpoint, he would look amazing. He'd be 200 pounds.
Yeah he would. I know he always. This is his cycle. I'm going to do it right today, I'm eating lean protein and vegetables all day, that's what I'm doing, skips breakfast by lunch. He's ridiculously hungry.
He'll he'll scramble like five eggs and eat five eggs and like spinach, four o'clock wheels come off the pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza.
And then at the end of the night you'll go. I just don't understand why I can't lose weight. And I'll go pizza. Peter. Peter, Peter. Yeah.
It's not rocket science. Right. Why don't you start your day when you do drop.
I do Driveclub baby. I know. I know. He told me about it. I love it. Drops. Glad you lost weight. Right. How much weight did you lose.
Twenty two pound. Twenty two pound up. And that's you're working out and obviously you're eating healthy. Right.
But really the eating healthy. This is what my trainer said and I think it's proof in me that it worked. He said my I had dieted so improperly that my metabolism had just about pretty much gave up. Right.
So he was like, what you have to do is eat very strictly for a period of time and work out like I'm telling you to, and it will recalibrate your metabolism.
And I think it worked because I did what he said and all he had to eat was lean protein and green vegetables and heavy leafy, just dark green vegetables and apples and strawberries and almonds.
How could he do this? How could he do. Oh, well, he could.
Do you think he could. Would is the problem. Would he do this. What, he do it. No.
Just because isn't it like the impulse thing with him, he's like fuck fuck, fuck it, just let's just do it.
That applies to everything, to alcohol, to food, to sex, to being on the road and not being able to get off the road.
It's all about impulse control and self regulation problems on it.
But is it a being present thing? You know, what do you mean?
Well, like, OK, and clip number five here, he talks about being you know, I'll say I mean, like maybe there's some tie into what we're talking about.
Never give up sex and like, read the rhythms and then go like, OK, all right, let's go at this pace.
This is what. Yeah, I'm hearing you. I'm listening to you. Oh, you're.
Yeah, that was a heavy breaker being present, being president. I was never present. I was never present. Yeah. Ever. Ever. I was just like sex or sex. I'll do my part. You do your part and they'll see.
But it's yeah. And when we were younger hit a lot at the same time. But then there was this period after she had kids were it just was like get get it over you do you. And then let's get it over with and go to target you know. Yeah. And I think that's where it was. And the other day I was like, oh, I just started reading your body. And I was I said, this were yesterday actually done yesterday.
I said, you're so funny. I'm just trying to read your body really good. And she's turning fifty. So like part of me is like I don't have the time to put in with another woman.
Feels good, right? That was my fiftieth birthday present.
He's not leaving. Oh, he's not going anywhere. No, I'm not concerned with that at all.
But he might he considered leaving if he were to get hair transplants.
He said he did. He swore. He swore. He said that it might change his whole game. Oh, really? Yeah. So so do that guy. His hair looks fucking awesome.
Are you going to do it? I was thinking you should do it. I was thinking about that and get another wife. I was like I could really. He does talk about that a lot as quite a bit. Yeah, that's why people email me are like, why do you put up with that?
Because he talked about so much that now sometimes I'll leave with it, you know, like, well, what about that new wife?
Yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, yeah. How long has he been doing? Because I swear when we use it, I used to do gigs with Burt. We would drive everywhere, but especially out in the Bay Area, you know, and we would drive and he'd go home. I'm like, you're right.
And he was like, would I go? You can keep clearing your throat like every fucking 30 seconds. He's like, Really?
I'm like, yeah. And then he said he went to a doctor and told him and they're like, yeah, you have like acid reflux or some shit. I don't know what it was. And he goes, it was because you pointed out that I was doing this noise. Now he has new noises that have started. I mean, he didn't make this noise 10 years ago, especially like this horse calling noise that he does it all the time.
The oh yeah, yeah. I'm like, OK, you know. What's with the horse noise? Where do you get that from? It's called lazy. He's not using his he's not worth his words. He's lazy. Yeah, same thing he does on stage when he starts Carson too much.
And then he asked me to go to a show and I go, you being fucking lazy, use your words. And what does he say to that? I hate it when you say that. Yeah. Because you're always right. Fine.
And then you have to put words where he says, fuck, yeah. You're like so much better. Wow. So you give them like that type of note. Yeah. And he listens. Yeah he does.
Listen, yeah he does listen to me quite a bit as much as he gives people the impression that it doesn't.
Yeah. I believe that he does. He values your opinion a lot. He does. And I value is he's a really smart guy. That's the other thing I wanted to talk about today.
He's not as stupid as a lot of people think. He's new.
You know, in high school, in high school, he was a C D student, but he tested in the top twentieth percent nationally.
Really nationally. That's pretty big. Yeah. He's a real smart guy. And not just like that kind of smart.
He's he's really smart about his business. He's actually really smart parent.
His execution on parenting could use a little word weight. Tell us about this.
You know, he's very agenda driven parent and he's he's one of those that talks to our kids like this. I need to have a conversation with you and I'll look at him and go, the patriarchy is talking.
Everybody listen up and you get so mad.
Stop calling me the patriarchy. I'm not the patriarchy, but I do make all the money. So here's where I'm going to say. And I'm like, that's the patriarchy.
Guess who made all the money about fifteen years ago when you. It was me. Yeah. We weren't living in a matriarchy. Yeah. Yeah.
So yeah, his parenting is very I am Lord. You will listen.
And how do they respond to that. They completely ignore it.
Yeah. That makes him really angry. It does. Yes.
Because then he's you know, he's the king who's trying to get the subjects to comply and the subjects are going not if you treat me like that. And then he goes, but then what?
I'm talking right. And you have like, smart, opinionated. Yeah. Girls, you probably push back on a lot of it, right? Yeah. Yeah, they do.
Especially Georgia. Oh, I so want this to be a reality show. You know, I came up with this great show idea for Georgia and she won't do it. It's called Nothing's Burning. Uh huh. Where she cooks things and doesn't burn anything and does it perfectly. But she won't do it. Why not? I don't know. I was like, you could cook like you could get like microwavable mac and cheese like jazz it up.
Do they buttheads a lot here. Her. Oh yeah. Really. Yeah. About everything. No, not about everything.
But she just won't let him be the patriarchy with her. She won't let him. Should be like you're talking to me in a way that I'm not going to respond.
And he's like what. Who talks to their father that way.
And she's like, well if you talk to me in a way that I can respond, then OK, I'm not looking forward to this shit because like we have said, we're in such different places with children. Yes, I was watching some of your I think it was your podcast or. Yeah. Where you had both girls on.
Huh. And there was this clip where, you know, just listening to them talk about when people know who their father is and how it was like, God damn it, this is like heavy stuff.
I mean, I but it's different for you because your kids will you will have always been famous. My kids were not burb was had no notoriety until they were quite old. Right. So we went from this place where, you know, George's dad is a comedian, a comedian. You know, people in the neighborhood are like, unless you're Chris Rock, they don't know who you are.
Right. So he really was just the dad that does.
Yeah. Does a Nazi thing. And then he became someone that was recognizable. So they had this kind of transition. Yeah, that's really interesting. But your kids won't have that. So they've always been in that kind of maybe it'll be a different transition.
Maybe, you know, maybe it'll be like, hey, wasn't your dad like a comedian or.
No, no, no, that's not true. It was before we all do Himax everywhere. Right. All right.
Before touring stopped entirely. Oh, my God. Yeah.
But that's still like a very like, you know, I mean, I watch that and I mean, you connect, I think, with their emotion on that one. She's just like you. I just don't want like once they're hanging out, hanging out with people and once somebody goes like, oh, that's you're your birth kid, right?
And then she's like, oh, fuck. Yeah.
She changes the whole dynamic of the hang out with somebody. It does.
And I think for Eila it automatically makes her go. You only know me as who my dad says I am. Right. You already think you know who I am.
So it doesn't give her the opportunity for someone to really just learn who she is.
I think actually I was such a deep kid that I think that is how she interprets it.
I think it makes Georgia uncomfortable in a different way, where she goes to like, oh, you're just being shallow. It affects Eila in a much deeper way. Yeah, it's really interesting. It affects Ilin a deeper does. It affects her in a deeper way.
It shuts her down, whereas for Georgia, it doesn't shut her down. Is there any way it just can the only thing change from that, just your perspective on it or like because they can't really you can't really avoid it. It sounds like. Right. Can't really avoid it.
I keep I guess a perspective is the only thing that can change. I keep trying to parent it and talk to her about it and say, you know, even if your dad's not famous, most people only end up having two or three really good friends.
And those friends will be your friends no matter who your parents are. That's very true.
So if you remove that one thing, you're just like everybody else. You're just making one or two really good friends, which is actually the best way to 100 percent.
I mean, I look back on life and it's like I had one or two people in pretty much every city that I lived in. And even now and I look back on college, I'm still friends, like good friends with like two or three people. Exactly. High school. Like two people. Yeah, that's it. This episode is brought to you by him.
Look how bold I am. I wish I had discovered hymns 10 years ago when it was on my way to being bald and not huge gaping holes on my head that are, you know, they're not attractive, doesn't look good.
You don't look like me. You can you can be one of the guys that did something about it, not like 66 percent of men who start to lose their hair by age 35. Check. Yeah.
Once you started to notice your thinning, it can be too late. And it is. So go to forums.
Dotcom, the one stop shop for hair loss, skin care and sexual wellness.
For men, it's time to to write a new chapter, one in which you have hair, no snake oil pills or gas station counter supplements, prescription solutions backed by science, no awkward in-person doctor's visits or long pharmacy lines. Just consult online and if you are found to be accepted and approved, you can have discreet, confidential things sent right to your door.
Today, hims is giving you their best offer yet. If you're not happy with your results after 90 days hymns, we'll give you a full refund. And right now our listeners can get their first visit absolutely free. Go to forums, dotcom bears. That's for hymns, dotcom bears, full refund of price paid available for first 90 day supply.
Refund requests must be between 90 and 180 days after product shipment delivered prescription product required online consultation with a medical professional who'll determine if the appropriate restrictions apply to the website for full details and important safety information.
Remember, that's for him. Zackham such bears.
Did you know that policy genius saves on average their home and auto customers one thousand one hundred and twenty seven dollars a year by shopping top rated insurers in one place? If you think that is a weirdly specific amount, you are correct.
But they crunched the numbers and that's just what it is. Policy genius does what they do best.
Their insurance marketplace makes it easy to compare rates from the top home and auto insurance companies to find you the best price. And here's how it works. You got a policy genius, Dotcom. You answer a few quick questions about yourself and your property. And after that, they do all the work that is by far the best part of any service you can get anywhere. Somebody else is going to take care of all the heavy lifting. They'll get you switched over.
They know what they're doing. So if you're a homeowner, had to policy genius dotcom right now to get started. They save their home and auto insurance customers an average of one thousand one hundred and twenty seven dollars a year.
Who knows what weirdly specific amount of money they could save you.
You know something Bert and I talk about a lot. You and I are very similar in a lot of ways. And he and push are very similar in a lot of ways. Yeah. And sometimes I'll do something. You'll go.
Cottam just did the same thing. I just don't know why you guys think like that. And I'm like because we're practical, pragmatic thinkers, direct and loose.
Cannon McGee over here. Yeah. Needs a practical, pragmatic thinker in his life where the he would be off in the stratosphere. Where the reasonable ones in our homes.
Yeah. Yeah. It's a big team.
So now what is the grossest thing that you. Because there's a lot of growth shit.
Some of which I learned even as much like as recently as, like a month ago like. So what did you learn a month ago?
Well, there's a few things that they wipes his ass and spells it. Well, I've been over that, over that.
We went over that. And I got to tell you that on the phone, I believe that was when you learned about. Yeah, it was when I learned about it.
Did you actually want to know what else you learned that I don't know about?
Oh, that's coming up. OK, because I had learned stuff like when people don't know you guys, like when I first started working clubs, like when I met Bert, Bert was a legit feature act for people that are fans of comedy. You know, it's kind of an industry term for the Midlake because typically we would work clubs in a three man show format. Emcee like the host of the show features the middle and the headliner. Right.
Bert was a legit middle act and I was a legit M.C. like we were both at that place in our career.
So we got to I got to see that transition happen, meaning also that we were like making no fucking money, no no money.
And we would go over to your guy's house a lot and eat.
I mean, I remember I being I remember I remember being a newborn, but I remember going to your house and her being like two. Yeah. And shitting on the roof and naked.
Yeah. Yeah. Just always naked and and we would do dinner and I would always cook dinner. Yeah.
Labrecque Cook and I mean you just he's chopping and dicing things up and like just I mean really doing elaborate meals.
He's an excellent cook, he's a great cook and, and spending that time there and then like you know, getting to know him. Right. Because like I'm getting to know him, get to know your family at the same time and then I don't know, just one time, like, you know, I'm we're dudes.
So there's like dude shit, right.
Burping and fart. And then when I hear this thing about, like, clipping nails. Oh, right. I'm like and then you're like he's like clip's as nails and he tapes them under the.
Coffee-table and I was like, wait, what? And then I asked and I was like, Do you really do that? It's like yeah like we I mean what do you mean? Yeah, like like this even remotely normal. Like, no, I've never even heard of something like that. Like why would you do that, you know, like we're just we're going to put them.
I'm like, what do you mean in the garbage.
What fascinates me about his brain is it takes I don't know why his brain thinks, you know, walking to the desk, getting a piece of Scotch tape, picking up the nails and taping it under is more time efficient than just putting him in the fucking garbage.
But it has to be there, right? He can't not do that.
No, he he's gotten better. Now, the patriarchy demands that someone cut his nails for him. What?
But no one will. And so he just lies in the recliner and complains. So I don't know if some of his road guys cut his toenails, but none of the women in his house do.
He literally asks you guys, come on, one hundred percent, you cut the girl's toenails.
Why don't you cut mine? She's four because you can't cut her own. But you can. But he doesn't want to bend over.
And as an so I have this one nail. I need some help. And I'm like, I'm not doing it, dude.
Go get a pedicure. Wow, this is amazing. But that's not gross. But that's not gross is the patriarchy. That's true.
Do you want to hear about you want to hear about the first time he did the self wiping the barehanded texture.
OK, let's pull up the I'm afraid the first. The first wipe. The hand wipe.
I think it's. Yeah, here we go. Out of nowhere, you dropped that you've been wiping your ass bare handed with your finger. Yeah. How did that start?
We'll start with the fact that I've been washing my hands a lot lately. You have been. Yeah. And so, like, because of on that tour, I wash my hands nonstop, sanitized, nonstop. My mother has never been so clean. I'm with you there. Normally I'm not a hand washer at all. Like I've never really been a hand washer at all. Yeah.
Ever since granola bars wash my hands a lot. OK, I'm a little more cool, too dirty shit with my hands.
So I just turn on the sink and I grab the thing and I go down and it's not that dirty and I just get a little scrub like I'm like, like, I'm like I'm trying to get into a girl's asshole.
You remember that movie? You're like, I'm just playing. Playing. You're toying with the outside. Yeah, I'm just I'm just surveying the property right then.
And then I kind of wipe and I look at my finger and there's nothing. Right. Nothing. There's nothing. So then guess what I did next.
I hope you watch that hand. No, not immediately.
What did you do? Sniff it. You smelled it. I smelled it. I smelled it.
Had it smelled it smelled like an asshole turned this thing on and then realized I have to wash my hand by it.
So, yeah. So I go out there soap or just wash this up.
So I'm by the way, now I'm hurting my back, reaching for the soap. OK, so I don't even I don't even really soap up. I just go back in, scrub again, then grab water, splash water scrub. It's almost like a help of a bad day like today. I had a feeling of it. I think if a bidet had like a finger attachment, it would really fucking help out.
So I clean, I then drip dry, sit there for a second. I wrap up, go in, wash both hands aggressively, and then I just kind of sit there with it, like walk around, I'm like, I feel good.
So then I shit again, I go.
And the second I go down, I feel what could only be called, oh, God, the top of a frappuccino like the goo, the whipping of a fabric, you know, down there.
And I'm like, oh that's disgusting.
See. And on yeah, oh, that's so gross, so gross, right?
Like, I'm pretty gross, I think I'm actually pretty gross, but he so trumps me that I feel like like a fucking nun when I'm talking to him sometimes. Yeah. I mean, like, yeah, I'll be like I'm not even in this category.
OK, so in order for me to be able to live with him. Yeah. Going forward. Yeah.
Here's what I think happens in his brain. Yeah. I think he is curious. Like the age of your children. Curious. Right.
Yeah. About like yeah. Yeah, yes. He has this childlike curiosity everywhere.
On my wedding day one of my closest friends who had never met him before came up to me and said, he's awesome. He's really amazing. But can I give you one piece of advice?
I said, yes, she's he said he will always be a child. So if you can just know that he's always going to be a child, you'll be fine. You'll be really happily married.
Yeah, right. Because you could easily be because this is all about perspective, right? Yeah, it could easily be. The person is like, hey dude, you got to knock all this shit off. Yeah. Yeah. And then what would happen was that you would be frustrated and probably angry. Yeah. And then he would feel like somebody is attacking him and go into his shell and feel horrible like. Yeah. So it's got to be the perspective.
Yeah. It's the perspective.
So when I see that how did your friend know this. Just right away. Put it together. He was a he's a healer and Iraqi master. OK, so he had a lot of that intuition. Yeah. He really is one of those people that just looks at you. And just like I walked in the room with him, the first time I ever saw him goes, oh, you have some issues with your mom went, who are you and where do I sign up?
Yes, he's one of those people.
So, yeah, some people don't realize it's like there's a child thing, but it's also like as a comedian, you know, I've spent a lot of time with a lot of comedians.
He's kind of like the most desirable type of comedian to be around, which is a comedian that really does live to have fun and make you laugh and make moments funny. So it's like whether you're just going to lunch, like and you sit down, he'll be like, hey, should I you know, he'll immediately think of something to do that's funny in the moment, even if it's just for you guys. It is just for you guys.
You know, it's it's just like it's a funny but it's kind of childlike in a way. Right.
It's like, you know, a lot of it's play. Yeah. A lot of people are more serious.
You know, even comedians. You can hang out comedians that you'll never know. They're comedians. Yeah. Yeah. Like with Burt you'll know. Yeah. You won't be like, oh really. You're a comedian. Yeah. Like it's obvious, you know.
Yeah. So part of that piece that I choose to resonate with but not the part where I go. That's the most disgusting. Oh my God bro.
Whatever. I don't relate.
I don't, that's not what it, I mean it does that for me a little bit. But really my take away is oh he's this is the curiosity I see every day.
He is really curious about really odd stuff.
Even his asshole. Even his asshole. Yeah. And even what happens if I take my toenails and put it under here, what's that mean? What happens now? Or clip number ten, maybe more times I think.
Oh, it's serious about I got to start watching your show and caught me picking my nose and eating it once.
Oh yeah. Yeah. The fuck you doing. And I was like, oh we're past the honeymoon phase.
Oh yeah. It was like it wasn't like discussing it with you.
You do that regularly. It is disgusting actually. You eat your butt all the time. I do a lot more than I think you'd be comfortable with in bed next to me.
Yeah. I really almost threw up there would be bad for some reason.
You know, there's certain certain triggers for like nausea or whatever.
Yeah. I've, I've seen someone, I mean I've seen a lot of growth, but I've seen one either. And I've just been like I almost throw up. Yeah. I almost throw up at it.
Oh. How often are you seeing this is pretty often he goes in phases, it comes and goes like he'll get into a phase where he's doing it all the time.
I'll go fucking Burt, you're going to be in a meeting and not realize you're picking your nose and eating boogers would like the head of NBC. You have to stop doing this and then I'll stop for a while. And I think he is on the road all it's just the eating it part.
It's disgusting. I mean, picking everyone picks and I think everybody natural.
But but he thinks, well, where are you going to do with it? You fucking flick it, right? I don't know. And he's like, that's gross. I just take care of it. And then I might get sick.
I might get sick. It's you know, sometimes I scratch my own head at what I accept from this guy.
But there's clearly a lot of positive because I'm a pretty great girl, you know.
Yeah, I got my shit together for the most part, but yeah, I don't enjoy that part of his personality. But again, I chalk it up to that childlike human being. Children pick their nose and eat their boogers.
And I feel like the only way to like when you go goes like, well, what am I supposed to do with it? You literally got to get, like, Kleenex. Put it on the nightstand next to it would make a trash can, but just put it right, there wouldn't matter. Why would it not work there?
Because he just don't want to go there. I don't want to grab that tissue.
He's a really complicated guy. He has to sides him. He's an extreme rule follower in that he never drinks and drives. Yeah, that's true. He never does that.
He never breaks a law. He is always on time for any kind of job. If there's some problem, he lets people know what I'm going to be on time. And then the other side of him is he never returns an email. Right?
He he he is non-compliant. So he's like, oh, super compliant and completely non-compliant.
I'll spend like three days a row spending, whatever, four hours a day with him. Yeah. The fourth day. You know, you're just like meeting like you're hanging out intensely, the fourth day I'll be like, hey, so when do you want to do that thing? Crickets. And then I'll be like, all right, you know, whatever. Next say, hey, man. So what are we doing it Friday? Nothing. Yeah.
And then like the third day I'm like, hey, and then I'll come. It'll go to voicemail, which is full. Mm hmm.
And he's out of the country. Yeah. And so then I finally, uh. I'll finally just text you, yeah, expert, and you're like, yeah, well, can you tell him the fucking answer me. Yeah, welcome to my world.
So that is your world I guess. Oh, yeah. That's Manager Tex's, me, business manager, agent both for agents will be like, hey, I'm trying to get this answer from Burt. I'm on every single business text and email. Let's call him right now for that reason.
And I have to tell you something, it is part of the reason that I collapsed and busted my face because I'm running our whole household and then I have to go, hey, dude, have you read that email about that thing?
That's kind of important.
Do you think he'll answer right now when I call him? I don't know.
He he is a really busy day to day.
OK, well, see, he may be in May, but if he if he answers, you talk OK. What do you want me to say? If you like. And we'll go and we'll go with them or we'll figure out, we'll see if he answers, I'm too honest. He may be in a meeting, he has a really busy day, if he doesn't answer, I'm not surprised. He always answers Michael. Yeah, yeah, I know they got great the country hasn't been all the country in years.
I remember never when that voicemail was put on. So Travel Channel four years ago.
Yeah. And I remember him coming back from a trip and being like, hey, why don't you change that now?
No, I know I've asked him to change his kids. I've asked him is not happening. He's like, no, I like it now. I'm the only person he responds to his parents text me, his sisters, everybody, everybody, because he does that to everybody. So.
And what is that? You think it's just like not wanting to deal with stuff? I think yeah. I think he has a really low threshold for almost everything.
My mom has this thing where, like, if you're hanging and this is by the way, it's not her being older. This is when I was a kid. Like, if you go, you know, we used to have house phones, obviously. Right. So phone would ring at home like hello. Oh, what's that for? My mom.
And she would go, oh, I'm not even nobody should be like. And if you were like, yeah, one second she would be she'll be so upset. And if you go, you know, it's Lianne's birthday should be like, OK, you know, like what you like. It's you guys are friends.
Yeah. Like I don't know what to say. So like so what happens is you have to contact her.
Yeah. You have to show her that you're interested, you have to to reach out to her, you have to text, you have that right.
You go to it, you pick up her phone and it'll be like fifty eight thousand emails.
Yeah. I'm like yeah. And they're unwrite. Yeah. The mailbox exam 200 voicemails unplayed. Yeah. Same text messages. Six. I'm like, mom, what's going on.
I can't, I couldn't live like that and she's like I just you know, like basically it's an avoidance thing.
It's anxiety producing for summer. There you go. That's what it is. It is anxiety. It does. It does. I mean, it has anxiety disorders all over him.
So for whatever reason, he has to be he has to look at that stuff in a safe place.
Right. And I don't know why it's unsafe sometimes, but it is. I don't know. I don't know.
He gets he has I think he has a little bit of social anxiety, as much as that seems unrealistic because he he like lays his whole life out in front of the world. Yeah, but that's very different than having an intimate relationship with somebody. Definitely has two totally different things.
It can be overwhelming to field calls and stuff, you know, I mean, everyone's felt like there is a lot to do. Yeah, but yeah, I mean, I feel like for people that have anxiety, it probably really ramps it up.
It shuts him down really to have to do all those. Yes. He'll shut him down like to the point where he'll have to go take a nap. And I'm like, dude, it's for a phone call.
I mean it's fifteen minutes and usually does this thing where, like, she has a like a cut off like. So in other words, I might go home today and then you know, more emails, more calls, this idea, this thing. And then it's like a call comes in, hey, can you look over this document and get back to us.
Well if it's six thirty, I'll be like, hey, we should look should we like, look, it's evening now. Can we do this in the morning? Right now? I'll be like, why I you want to do it now? Because it came in and I can do it now. Right. She's like, I don't she doesn't work at like that.
Right. She's like, it's too late. Yeah. He's like that too.
It's like we got to do it tomorrow. Like why are we doing it tomorrow. Like it's here now.
He's very much like that too. We were doing it when he was doing his last special. For whatever reason, edits would come in late at night and they need a really quick turnaround and he'd go, I just can't do it.
I can't do it. I got to do it later. I'd end up watching the edit and saying, uh, here's the problems I think you're going to have with it and take a look at these minutes. You know, Marker's and he would look at them when he was ready, but I was like, they need to know someone's looked at it. I mean, they're asking for this shit.
Yeah, yeah. It'd be like, oh, whatever, whatever, whatever. That's to anxiety producing for me. Like to talk about the two different personalities. So true.
If someone sends me an email, can you take a look at this at six thirty.
I'm like, fuck yeah. Yeah exactly. I'm the same way off my plate.
And much of this is that Christina loves to do shit in like as soon as she wakes up. So like in the morning she's like all system like likes to work like right after waking up. Right. And I'm like a slow riser.
So then she'll be like, can we do this now.
I'm like can I sit up like I'm like still asleep.
So I like to get like, you know, moving a little bit before I tackle something in the morning. Right, right. Right.
But no, she's she's on it. On it. That's all us.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got something else to show you. You do. I'm so surprised. Um, did we play number four.
We did OK on get some stuff for you here, um. Oh, yeah, I heard you do one of his tales. First of all, do you know that he mispronounces all these words like nightmare?
Yeah. Uh huh. Why does he do that? Because he's weird. I have no idea. You know, many times I've said is is spelled Masari mayor.
It's mere Ismir tonight. He's been doing this. Ben Affleck, Ben Affleck forever. Yeah. I'm like, it's Affleck. He's a guy. He's thinking of the insurance now. Like, no, I'm not I don't understand why he does that. OK, it's a quirk.
But he really leaned into one hundred percent. What, a hundred percent. A hundred percent. 100 percent. 100. Yeah, that happens a lot. A lot is one hundred percent. Yeah. I mean it became like hyperbole. Hyperbole. Oh yes. Everything, everything. Everything.
A hundred percent. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. Oh I don't want to hold on. Hear me out. Oh under a hundred percent.
It's like every show. Like ten times. Yeah. A hundred percent. Yeah yeah. Yeah. Just speak in hyperbole huh.
A hundred percent purple. He's 100 percent hyperbole. You should parent with that. Yeah. It's not super fun.
No 008. Oh yeah we did. OK, so another disgusting thing. Oh God this was quick. OK, but it's clip three and it kind of shows you like.
You know, just something maybe you've missed before, that's gross. I mean, I'll see if I've missed it or if I just choose to ignore it. I just realized this is a catch rag I have in my pocket a catch rag. Yeah, what's the catch rag here? Feel these little hard spots all over it.
Oh, it's pretty gross. Yeah, that's pretty gross. I did not know Justin. Oh yeah. That no one.
I did not know. I thought it was bugger's nose jobs fancy.
That's disgusting. But I guess if he's using it on himself, who cares? Yeah, it's weird to bring it bring it out.
I think well here am. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.
You know. Good point. Excellent point. So, OK, we're going to end on that thing.
You know, I've been paying attention to what I've been eating a lot more lately and really trying to avoid things that will make my diarrhea really, you know, explode.
But I got to tell you, once I sit down and I make brown, I still want high pressure hoses to clean my hole.
And tushy really does that for me.
With tissue, you get you get just an amazing experience of all the chocolate being washed off between your cheeks and you use 80 percent less toilet paper.
Think about that. That really is environmentally friendly. It's free shipping. Get rid of your toilet paper or just keep a little bit of it and treat your butt right with a tushy.
You get your whole nice and clean.
You don't have to smush Kakha all over yourself. It's amazing. And it starts at just seventy nine dollars.
So go to Hello Toshie dotcom bears and get 10 percent of your order. That's hello Toschi. Dotcom bears get 10 percent off your order and keep your whole clean.
How great is that. That football is back man. I love it.
Week one's over but there is no better place to get in on all the action than draft kings, the leader and one day fantasy sports.
To add to this week's excitement, Draft Kings has millions of dollars in total prizes up for grabs. If you haven't tried drafting yet, head to the App Store now because you don't want to miss this, draft your line up now and feel the sweat like never before. Every run, pass and catch means more with draft kings. It's simple.
Just pick your line up, stay under the salary cap and see how your team stacks up against the competition. They've paid out billions in prizes since 2012. Download the Draft King's app now and use Code Bears' for a limited time. New users can get a free shot at millions of dollars in prizes this week. Don't miss out on the week to action. Enter Code Beyer's to get a free shot at millions of dollars in prizes with your first deposit. That's code bears' only at Draugr.
Kings make it rain minimum five dollar deposit required eligibility restrictions apply CIDRAP Kings dot com for details. So we're talking about parenting before.
Yeah. So tell me, tell the audience. Tell all of us what, what type of dad is he beside from the patriarchy. Like he is a sweet guy.
Yes, he's very sweet. He you know, he. Because we he and I are very different people from very different backgrounds. Yes, he and I as nothing we connect on, I think, similar a similar bringing. You have like older old school white guy dads with, like, good jobs.
Yeah, we both have two sisters. Yeah. We both have Catholic upbringings, both from Florida, both from the both from Florida. Um, but like the it's a thing where like when you're from a certain type of family, you definitely identify with somebody like completely. Yeah.
And push and I are similar. Yeah. Very similar background. That's true of brokenness and bullshit.
So what was the question again of I was like we're talking about what kind of parent like OK, so he is he sees things in the kids.
I don't see. So that's great to have in a partner because, you know, you only have your own perspective and your own point of view.
So especially lately, now that we have teenagers, I find that he's bringing things to my attention, that I'm completely missing. Really. And perhaps it's because he was home so much and covid and before it was like me or nothing pretty much. But I've really appreciated him as a parent. That's again, one side of the coin. The other side of the coin is I don't know how much he cares.
That's not true.
His first agenda I feel sometimes is that he is heard and understood and complied with instead of, hey, this kid is is actually a kid and learning something.
So, for instance, last night we found out that another family groups, another family of ours, son, had done something really crazy, which I can't talk about, but doesn't it really crazy.
And that George knew about it, that he confided in her about it and Bert was on the phone.
He was like, I'm going to call her and I'm going to tell her the next time something like this happens, she needs to say this and she needs to say this and she needs to say this. I said, why don't you call her?
That sounds so like like punitive without even finding out.
Maybe she already said all those things, right. So why don't you call her and go, hey, I heard you knew about this. Well, what did you do? And he told you. Yeah. And he was like, that's bullshit. I'm the parent. I'm the one that calls and says how this needs to go down. And I went, I think for a sixteen year old, that's not really going to be received very well. Yeah.
So he luckily wasn't home because when he's home he'll just march in there and rah rah rah rah rah rah. And then George will go.
I've, I don't know what the fuck you just said because it was not OK. So this time what she does really come out to me and go, what's up with him?
And I'll have to decide if you like rants and raves. Yeah.
And then I'll decipher what just happened and she'll go, oh no problem. But I'm not going to do it when he presents it like that. So and you know, some of it is just like a child who he doesn't think about how his presentation is received. He just needs the presentation to happen, how he needs it to happen so that he feels validated somehow.
So I mean, this happens in our relationship to where I have to listen to him have this hullabaloo.
And at the end of it, I go, let me see if I understand what you're saying. Is it blah, blah, blah? And I'll go, yeah. And I'll go. Got it.
So I'm just going to ignore all this hullabaloo because it's just you. So that's your skills seem to be upset. You can see through all the noise together.
Yeah. Yeah. So this is what you're trying to tell me. Got it. And I don't take any of the other stuff personally because it's not about me.
But see that is that's probably what a lot of people would struggle with, right. Yeah, I'm absolutely with him. Yeah. Because everything is personal to him. Yeah. And I take almost nothing personally because I just go.
Well, if I made a mistake, then I'll just apologize, he and many of the like worked out there, they had like a almost like a therapy session. They did, yeah. It's plain wrong. So what happened was I mean, and this is funny, like we're doing the show and I think I was like, I got to take a shit. So I got up and I walked out, which I did. I left. I got back and a few minutes.
So, yeah, they're on the show.
And and at this particular time, in this moment, the Dow goes up like, well, put your headphones on so you can hear this thing.
Burt puts money goes, don't you know, why would you talk to me like that? And he's like, what he could. You said, put your fucking headphones on and like, you know, I'm not going to respond. Well, because I didn't say that because, see, that's something I need to work on.
So is so what happened was, though they ended up talking, it was actually I, I didn't even you and I walked back in and then I watched it later, but he was like, you know, they talked it out.
And basically the dad was like, I feel like, you know, when we're butting heads on a lot of these things, it's like you think something's being said.
That's right. And Burt was like, yeah, it's true. I do. Yeah, he does. And he goes, I think that you're talking to me a certain way. And I don't realize till later that I'm just like putting that in my own. That's right.
And they think, like, worked it out. That's good.
That's good that you worked it out.
But he that is a big problem for him when he gets triggered or he feels like something's emotional for him, he hears it the way he hears it, not the way it was said.
He will put words like there was one time early in our marriage where I was like, I'm really upset with you about this.
I need you talk to you about it.
And he goes, he said something back and he goes, So, so. But you said that you wanted a divorce. And I went, I never said that. Have never will never say that.
What I said was, I'm really upset with you and need to talk to you about it verbatim. That's what I said. He's and he heard she's leaving.
Right. She's leaving. And I'm like I that wasn't in my stratosphere but I've got to be able to say, hey, dude, you upset me. I know you talk to you about it.
So I just grew really thick skin and went wild and he's just making things up. Yeah. So I just need to find what's really going on because they're making things up.
It's like a child where he's tantrumming through his feelings. Yeah.
Instead of just going, hey, what are my feelings? So with Georgia, he parents with that situation where the friend called Georgia and confided in her and he was gone, I'm going to call her and tell her.
Yeah. Because he wasn't here. He took a minute and then I was just in the house cleaning the house or something. And I heard he and Georgia having the best conversation ever took my advice.
Yeah. Yeah. It's like what happened? How'd that go down. Yeah. And I was like, see what happens when you just frickin don't be the patriarchy. Yeah.
Come in and go, oh I need to have a talk. He literally does this body so.
So and he'll look up in a fight like I'm supposed to look up at its most bizarre behavior where I go.
This is literally what a four year old does on a playground.
Did the other the boy, did he like assault an unconscious girl or something?
Now it's nothing like that. Nothing that crafty. OK, it was pretty crafty. It was crafty for I you tell me off my back, I'll tell you off my camera.
It was pretty impressive. I was super impressed. Wow. But sounds like a crime. I was super impressed because I was thinking about what I was doing at that age.
I was like fucking right on dude. Yeah. You're just being a regular teenager.
But, you know, we're in a pretty bubbled neighborhood where people are like, oh my God, I'm like, this was kind of what happens at that age.
Well, there's a parenting clip we have here. I'm talking about believe one. I think one of the girls here is a look, by the way, this is like early on on our show.
He looks so much better now. Yeah, right. Yeah, he does. Look yeah. It's exploded right there. Yeah.
We went to the monkey forest. I told him I love the monkeys are going to want to fuck her because she's on her period I and she's on her period and I go, I go. I'll be careful man. I can sniff that out. She's like what am I going to get a monkey can smell like and they're going to want to fuck you. So be careful. No monkey starts fucking her. I said, I'm going to videotape the whole thing.
And you some of these get help so he doesn't use the word fuck. No, not like that. He doesn't use the word fuck at all. Like with her for the sake.
Yeah, but he'll say that yeah. He's at that. So he said he does say crazy shit. Yes he does.
And most of the time the girls don't believe in you. Right. But every once in a while I was super gullible. Yeah. So she will believe a lot more.
George doesn't believe anything he says just about but Eila. That's so yeah. I remember that moment. Yeah.
That's funny. You talking about like the making stuff up and everything like it also applies to comedy, you know, because we'll be like we hung out and this is like ten years ago, we're in the car driving. I tell him something, he starts laughing and then he's. Selling it back to me with added things, no, I didn't say that because I know that's how I hear it. Yes, look what he goes. I mean, that's how I hear in my head.
And I think it makes sense and is made better that way. Better. That's not what I'm saying. It's inaccurate because that's how you should say it.
And I get what you're talking about.
That happens to me all the time. He won't let me tell any stories ever because he'll go she's going to fuck this one up. Let me tell it and I'll go if you want to know the real story. Yeah, I'll tell you when he's done. Yeah. So you can hear all the added jazz. Yeah.
And then if you want to know what actually happened, I'll tell you what. Actually I'm yeah. I'm not a bad storyteller, but I am not a fantastical example.
He makes everything. It's a fantastical or catastrophic.
It's like a supernatural event. Yeah. Tells a story. Yeah. It's either fantastical or catastrophic. That's, that's true. And his day to day life is like is that like 5000 people there?
And this guy came up to me and he was like, I'll beat you over the head with this one. You're like, wait, someone said, well, no. But he looked at me. We were like, oh, OK.
So somebody looked at you weird. Two cars over.
Like he threatened me.
And I'm like, OK, I almost died. And you're like, Really? Yeah, no. Every story you write, like, was it fantastical or or catastrophic. Yeah.
He's no middle only. Yeah. I wonder where there's got to be an origin of why it's that you know, I mean like there has to be it's a really good question.
The catastrophe piece I think is tied into his anxiety, but I don't know what the fantastical piece is. If he doesn't feel enough. I think it's yeah.
I think it's like the rush, like because everybody kind of experiences the idea of, like being the first to share news and seeing people captivating people's attention.
Yeah. And like, I think there's a way we're like in his style of telling a story where he must have exaggerated early on, telling stories to people and seeing their reactions and then it like lit something up in him probably that was like, yeah, probably you got to dress.
You've got to like put some sweetener on top of that to make it even more fantastical.
Well, you know, now that you say that, I think it probably is twofold. One is probably something about self-esteem, not feeling enough just as a normal person, regular, regular person. But his mother, you know, has eight brothers.
His mother has eight brothers, mother has eight brothers.
She's the second oldest. So he had all these uncles that were younger.
And they are really entertaining people like musical out there.
Nobody's like a joke teller, but they're definitely storytellers. One uppers. Yeah, really entertaining family.
And his mother is I mean, she was like studied musical theater. She's a really musical very out there performance type person.
Yeah. So I would imagine to grow up in that family culture and to see all these uncles who you always look up to your uncles. Yeah.
Being this like, oh, Uncle Jimmy plays the banjo and watch this, you know, and it's all this kind of maybe some of it came from that.
Maybe it came from that. Yeah. I mean maybe and I know they did that in a fraternity.
There were always one up and I was like in the room, no photos and everything. You wouldn't date with Eddie Vedder haircut.
Yeah, no. Well, you did that. No, no, no. Not even kind of. He's told the story of like.
So he wouldn't have dated me either, by the way. No. No. What were you like back then? I was not hot enough for him.
Oh, all his girlfriends were like the hot babes.
Oh, really hot babes. And I just wasn't a hot babe.
I was pretty and whatever. I wasn't ugly, but I wasn't that.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, I was in the like in the string bikini that he was dating. Yeah. They were hot babes. They're beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Yeah.
Hot babes don't. No. He wouldn't have given me.
I just wonder what the relationship was like, you know. I mean like with him in the hot babes like back then.
Well I think that he cast a wide wake and if you want to go to every party that's. That's your boyfriend.
Yeah. Yeah. And you know, he's an eat, sleep, drink fuck.
Dude, that's what he does, that his modus operandi. Eat Bridport. So if she can handle any of those shooby just fine. I don't think he was looking for deep conversations at 27, you know, 24 like he threw in twenty seven.
That's when you graduate because most people are like twenty seven. We're talking about college. So that was college last year.
Yeah. Twenty seven takes what it takes.
What did he how was he when he went to college. I don't, I know.
Well you know, he's got a November birthday and his mom held him, held a beer. OK, so he was old when he graduated. I graduated high school at nineteen or something. Well he was almost nineteen OK.
Right. He was 18 when he graduated high school and early in his freshman year college turned nineteen, whereas I started college at seventeen.
And he should have been out by twenty three.
Twenty four at least. Yeah. Yeah. Let the good times roll and knowing, like I know a little bit about Big Al, yeah, he must have been beside himself. Yeah. Being like you're doing another fucking semester at that school. Jesus.
Yeah, I heard it was you know, there was a lot I think of there was a lot going on there during that time. I mean, you know, Birte got like three college scholarships for baseball and passed on all of them. And his dad was like an Olympic alternate for the track team.
But yeah, his dad went to college on a track scholarship and was an Olympic alternate, I mean, like super athlete.
So he raised this boy, who was Brett Ratcatcher all growing up.
Brett Ricky went pro. Yeah. And of course, he had these three big college scholarships and he was like, yeah, I don't want to play ball every day. I just want to party.
And so I think from right there, Al Krischer was like, Porche, what do you know, where did he offers to play baseball?
Citadel, Duke and FSU, where he turned down the scholarship offer.
Yeah, FSU to play baseball. Yeah. And Duke.
And said he would not have lasted seven years at Duke as a good thing.
It was, you know, he wouldn't have. No, no, no, no. He just went there and I think he actually went to a couple of practices maybe really and went I think, I mean I was I didn't know have a really good baseball.
Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm from Georgia. Yeah. So yeah. But yeah, he was like, yeah, I don't want to do this every day. And his dad was I think, I think their end started not a great path for him and his dad in college.
I think his dad was very frustrated and he is that at one point was like you have to get a job. So he started working and he got fired. And these are word again. He got fired again. He just kept getting fired.
I mean, the what my one of my favorite stories of his is about getting fired from, like the Barnes and Noble because they have the security camera, he's doing push ups or something naked in the basement.
But yeah. So he wouldn't get his clothes ready. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, what are you doing down things like stacking books.
Yeah. Just taking your business. You know, we have a camera and whatever.
Oh crazy. Yeah. We're going to play Tenison.
You are. Yeah that's good. He's a really good tennis player.
He said no I think he actually is.
That's what's that's one of the things that's amazing to me is he is a phenomenal athlete. Yeah. Yeah. That's much. He talks about the Mickey Mantle gene shit.
Yeah. No, no, no. There's actually I have never ever witnessed him not being able to do something.
Well, yeah. Athletically athletic, nothing.
I mean like wakeboarding for the first time boom up.
He just has that. He just has that genetic makeup. Yeah. But yeah he's been playing tennis since he was like seven. Yeah. Something we've been talking about. You play tennis your whole life too.
I mean I stopped for a long time.
I played as a kid like a lot, played in tournaments and and then I stopped and then we played like randomly over the years my cousin Christina and I a few times.
But then recently I started taking lessons again. So when I told him that it completely set him off, he's like, I'm going to go take a lesson tomorrow.
He did. Yeah, I know. I know.
He was really fired up about it. Oh, I could I could tell he loved playing tennis. Tennis is great. Yeah.
Yeah. I've been, I've been uh. I went yesterday and you guys, I'll have a blast.
I think so you'll have a blast. We're going to I think we're going to shoot it. You should because it's going to be funny. It'll be funny and we'll have Mike so we'll be able to talk to you.
Yeah. Two bears. One, yeah. We'll have a small wager going. Oh, nothing significant. Um, well, we finally get to the most fun part. Oh, God.
Um, it's the bachelorette number six we like to call it. And that is diving deep into your sex life.
Oh. And remain with him. Yes. Because he talks about all the time.
He talks about it and he also talks about trading up. So which do you believe he's not trading. I know he's not.
But she said, you know, just you know what you do that pleases your girlfriend doesn't please me. I heard that. And I had never been more solid and not leaving my relationship that moment.
I was like, I will never leave like LeAnn because I can't make the income.
But I yeah, that's all I can do. We had sex last night and I said to him, I said I said thank you, I banged it out.
You did, or you really.
But he thinks that every dime she can get it and she got it. There was a whole interview on the whole segment on female orgasms.
And it was talking about just about how like it was just a fucking 30 minutes on orgasms and then LeAnn just hit the TV. We don't watch. And she goes, What do you want to do? I was like, I don't know. What you want to do is you as I say, we go into the bedroom. And I was like, Dun's on and I brought the fucking.
Did you really I sincerely fantastical. Yeah. Cowboy stuff. I kissed her first, which I normally don't do. I just usually put in work.
So one day I'm watching Cathouse, a show in Vegas. Yeah. This girl, one of the girls is teaching a guy how to eat pussy. And then I thought, this is silly. I'm going to try this tonight and just hear the lingo. What the fuck are you doing? And that night it was actually during the day. It was during the day. The next day I go down on the end and and she just goes, What?
What are you doing? And I was like, Huh? And now I'm like, going like trying to remember all the shit. She said, Gentil chaos fucking like a hurricane, but not too hard at the moment. And then Bill and I start doing the things that she had said. Nothing. And Liane, I remember she had an orgasm and she went, oh fuck.
And I went like, I never heard the curse.
Even I'm like, why? She goes, what the fuck was that? And I was like, I don't know.
Oh, my God. Yeah. Well, first of all, great lover is pretty good. Yeah. First of all, you know, a lot of people my family in Georgia watch this show.
Oh, good. So thanks for that. But no, I, I guess I, I, my grandmother saw the show.
She did. Did, saw that show.
No, I don't know one of them and I watch this one and I'll tell you this. Check it out guys.
I never take it off my woop. I'd like to thank woop. We know a lot about a lot. We know 20-20 has been a tough year.
We know we want to live healthier lifestyles, but we don't know a lot about ourselves or how our behavior impacts us.
And this thing has given me so much insight to get to know myself deeper, how my body, uh, is being strained, how I'm recovering, when I should press it, when I should rest it.
It's incredible the amount of insight that I have. It knows automatically like what activity I've done. It knows, uh, how my heart's resting. It knows how I'm breathing when I sleep and knows when I'm in deep sleep. It's incredible. I love tracking all that. It is the best next level fitness tracker I've used for our listeners. Woop is offering fifteen percent off with the code bears at checkout. Go to woop w h o o p dotcom.
Enter bears at checkout to save fifteen percent. Get to know yourself on a deeper level. Unlock yourself with woop.
I believe that having a good strong sex life when you're married is super important. I believe you're so correct in putting this part of my life open to the world. Yeah, I'm actually OK with.
Oh good. Because I want to say that because people are like, oh my God, how do you let him talk to you about you like that.
But don't you have sex with your spouse. Yes. I mean, yeah. You don't you're not in my bedroom. You don't know exactly what's going on. We're just he's just saying we have really good sex. Right. So what's wrong with that? Nothing we do. We have really good sex.
It's just endlessly amusing to hear him talk about a lot of topics and especially his heroic antics.
Yeah, of course, he believes him to be a hero in there.
She was really he's like, hey, babe, do you want to maybe that's not really that's how it really is.
Are you feeling it? What do you think? You know, he's very not this patriarch.
Yeah. He's not that at all on the hips. Yeah. No, you feel like getting it. I mean from time to time he'll say something where I go for real. You just said that to me. The answer is absolutely no. Yeah.
You know, like he'll just go, hey, how about a blowjob. Like you say, like, hey, how about a Diet Coke?
Yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, no, I'm yes, there is no right.
How about a blowjob? How about a blowjob. Yeah. Yeah. Is this how our talk is this. I'm talking to her. Yeah.
I love you too. All right, bye.
That woman can suck a dick, but I've talked about that openly too. I talked about it with Bush where I write a book about it.
About fellatio. Yeah. It was written by a gay man about how to give good blowjobs because men know how to do it to men, because men know what they like.
Could you give her a copy like I told her about it? It really does. Can you write it down? I don't. It's on my website. Really, I it. Oh, really? Yeah. OK, do it.
Because I think once you read it I read it when he and I were first dating. Really. Yeah I did. Because I was like, what's your goal in sex.
Right. My goal is to feel good but to also make sure he feels good.
And it's not fair if I always get my rocks off and he is like, well, it was great.
I mean, it's OK. Yeah. And I mean, I don't enjoy giving a blowjob, but it is something he enjoys. Right. So I'd like to do it well.
So it gets over fast and B is something that he's he enjoys, right.
Yeah, of course. So if you're you suck at it is 45 minutes long, you know, fast and is very fast. Yeah. If you do a good job so.
Well good for you. I mean I think that's actually a very perspective.
I think that's a very healthy perspective. That shouldn't be like it should be more widely, you know, talked about totally and accepted because it's part of human nature.
Yeah. This is if you're if you're married especially, you are supposed to be having sex to have a healthy relationship.
You know what? It's all it's like money. No one ever talks about money. And you go, well, no wonder half the people don't know what to do with money. Very good point.
Because they don't talk about it very because it's like so taboo. It's the same with sex, right? Yes. How are you supposed to know if your sex life is good, if you don't talk to your partner about it?
I'm so happy that my wife just likes having sex and wants to have sex. I feel like because we have been like we have friends. I have a friend who is in this marriage. We're like we've talked. He's like, yeah, we even had sex in months. Really? Yes.
And I'm like, you know, I'm not an expert, but I'm sitting there doing like, are you expressing that? And he's like, yep. And it just gets shut down. It's so sad.
Of course it is.
That's my point is like it's that's that's sad. So then I'm then he's like, how about you. I'm like now we had sex a few times this week and he's like, oh my God. Yeah. He's like, he's like that's a distant memory for him.
Oh, that's so sad. Well, you know, I have an indicator something's wrong. I think, of course something's wrong.
But I mean, it's more to your point of, like, you know, doing it, talking about it. I mean, you know, obviously we make a lot of jokes, but I mean, I think it's yeah, it's it's a much healthier perspective. And I felt that way also about money, too, about how, you know, especially when you're when you don't have money and you meet people with money.
I was always curious to see I would always ask a lot of questions, too. And sometimes it would get pointed out, like why you ask questions. Like because I'm curious. Because I want to know totally.
Curiosity is is is the route of change. Yeah. If you can be curious about something, you can make a change. If you're not curious about it, nothing's going to happen. So I mean, when people hear all these outrageous clips that he all these claims he makes, I feel like it normalizes other people's shit.
Yeah. You know, where you go. My husband does that too, and it embarrasses me.
And I get maybe this is more normal than I think you have a little hint of Birte in your life.
Yes. You know, and then you go, oh, OK, OK, well, here it is.
All you need to go Folbre like if you like. She died, got hit by a bus. If you can't or don't know. Don't need to explain more every day. She's just gone. She's a bus accident motorcycle. His, her motorcycle. It's her and I get to reconstruct her body. A different story. It's her is that she's dead and the wife's been hit by a come on motorcycle. Come on. Motorcycle seat.
Her bike flies off a cliff. It's run over by a couple of trucks. All right. She's told you that an elephant steps on her. Yeah. You're out there again.
Do you think you're making chicks come left and right? Like initially? I was initially I was like I was like, uh, like you like where do you see what Captain Tingle's brings your way? Yes. And now I know that's not the fact.
No, he is. So he has this persona that he believes, but he doesn't really believe it.
Yeah, he presents it right. He's terrified of women.
Like when we first started dating, he was fucking terrified of women, really 100 percent.
Thank you. 100 hundred percent. He's terrified of them.
I believe that I'm terrified because he I've been around him and he actually, I think reverts into like a sweet kid around women.
He does with me when we first he was terrified of me also. And he was also very uncomfortable with how much he liked me from day one.
He didn't know what to do with it, and it was just oozing out of his body.
And I kept. Going, I get it, I got you, this is OK, actually, I'm I'm good with this. You're good, but it's not normal.
It's not like a normal guy thing. Yeah. So I think he feels uncomfortable that sometimes he talks all this trash and it's just trash. It's not true.
You know, to ignore it though. I completely see like that's the thing is because I feel like most most women that I mean, I just think, you know, I think a lot would would not be able to ignore the noise probably.
Yeah. But yeah, I ignore a lot of his noise because a lot of his noise like this kind of talking makes him feel so good about himself.
And OK, you know, if I eat an ice cream makes me feel good about myself. Yeah. Is he going to be like all over me about it.
Right. Probably not. Right. So whatever. It's not hurting anybody.
It doesn't hurt me. That's it for me. Important. It would be different.
So that's important I think probably to an audience, because there's a lot of people who listen or watch the show and be like, you know, with both of us, they'll be like, you know, some crazy shit you said about whoever your spouse.
Yeah, but it's not hurting you, you know, doesn't hurt me because it's not true.
Yeah. The thing about when he first started telling jokes about me on stage, this is what I said. If it's well-written, you can do it.
And I don't care what anybody thinks because you and I know what's the truth, right? So no matter what is said on stage is set on stage for entertainment. Yeah. This is entertainment. It is. This is entertainment. And and I mean it in the most flattering way.
This is wonderful entertainment to listen to the podcast and hear you U2 bullshit about all the things you bullshit about because guess what two guys do when they get together, they fucking bullshit and tell tall tales about the sex they had last night with their wife.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's that's what this is.
Yeah. So if anybody can't figure that out. Yeah. Then you know, that's my perspective.
I stuffed it in Christina's mouth the other day. You did. Yeah. So hard to she not she gag.
I mean really for I mean it was really hard for them. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I couldn't breathe. It was great.
Um what's this one. I fucked Leon sober last night. Please tell me, did we start? Yup. Are you guys ready? Yeah, we're ready now. Does he ever come in and go.
I had the lamest sex ever. No, no. Yeah. That doesn't exist. Fantastical. Yeah. Or caddis. That doesn't exist. Yeah.
What did you do. It was awesome. It was awesome. We did this thing where it's like imagine if you're both sitting in a chair, OK, so imagine you're both sitting in chairs. These are like right then you do this or like this. That's how you remember it was.
It gave it accurately. Describe it.
So you mean it wasn't like this? I don't know what he's talking about, chair. And you go like this. Oh, no, I haven't had sex in the chair since I was about twenty five.
I just, by the way, have the things when he's like trying to describe something terrible at it.
I just go like, no, no, I get your thing and I don't see you have the patience I have.
Yeah. You allow him to have his hyperbole bullshit. Yes. I just roll with it wasn't he.
I was thinking about because you know, people will hit me up about our our friendship. And and I actually thought about that. The thing that I have with him and I think it's it goes both ways and it's probably what you have as well with him is that we fully accept each other the way that we are.
Yes, I do. Yes, that's true.
So we just like, you know, all my quirks and everything, he just like that's that's you I get like he just knows me. Yeah. And goes with it and it's the same way.
So half of the crazy shit, you know, whatever it is, whether it's the exaggerating or the, the impulse control of, I'm just like, yeah but that's, that's who is.
And you know, I try to enjoy him. Right. Right.
Yeah. To not try and control him or change him.
I try to enjoy him as exactly who he is because, you know, I grew up with a parent much like Push who did not enjoy me and did not want to see who I really was, wasn't interested in who I really was, wanted me to fit in a box.
And I think women in particular, not to be hard on my my sex, but I think women in particular need men to fit in a certain box.
And once they start spilling out of the box here are there with picking their nose or whatever.
Yeah, they're super dude. They get really unnerved about it instead of going, well, he's a dude.
Yeah. Dudes do stuff. Women don't do. Women do stuff dudes don't do. So what's wrong with that.
There's nothing wrong with that. No Half Sieper does is really gross male or female.
But yeah. All animals. Yeah. Yeah.
Any species. Pretty much. There's one or two I could think of. They wouldn't mind it. Yeah. But yeah I don't know, I don't know why people can't find a way to enjoy everybody. Yeah you can.
Everybody. It goes back to perspective though. You can change that.
You know that's actually you can change. Is there one more, is there one more thing. Possibly she's skinny now. She's always been skinny, she's always been attractive, but we are recording now. Good God, skinny, you know, it's so so like her body looks awesome.
Oh, great. Oh, I got the compliment in. Yeah, it's very sweet. Yeah, I am skinny now. I know you look great. I feel really great. Good. That's good. Yeah. You put work into it. I work. Yeah. Still. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. I love it.
I wish you would do the same for himself so he could feel that way about himself because he's in this cycle. Man, I tell him this all the time. Your cycle is such self-hatred about his body. Yeah.
And then I identify with that what I tell him. Well here's the thing. I identify incredibly with it. The difference is because. Like, mine's not healthy self talk, but because his is worse, meaning more so an on display, it makes me recognize that it's not healthy, you know.
OK, so like I'm doing the same thing to myself.
Yeah, but not as bad, but his is worse.
So then I go man I should like I shouldn't do that and then it makes me go. You shouldn't do that because I'm seeing it. Yeah. I'm seeing my own behavior in you. Right. But yours is even worse. Right.
So that you're a mirror for each other. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean we have a similar similar build and similar probably, you know, impulses. I mean a little different but little like well you know, I don't have like I'm not into like the the drinking as much.
No, but I mean I definitely with food and you know, we both have like you know, like. Yeah. Problems with it I guess, you know, with like hey man if I can eat in crazy or you know. Yeah.
Working out we both work out. But yeah I hear when I hear him talk to himself I'll be like fuck.
Yeah I, it breaks my heart a little bit because I go well for one year choosing this. So you need to just accept it and enjoy it. Yeah. Because you are choosing this over and over again and then beating yourself up and then reusing it and then it's a cycle so that if, if you're going to choose it. Yeah. Then at least enjoy it. Enjoy it. Yeah.
And and if you're, if you're tired of choosing it, there are so many ways that you Zumwalt's. Yeah. But you don't want to do either. You just want to keep in this punitive cycle and it's, it's a familiar cycle.
It is familiar as well as something you witnessed growing up a lot I think in his family that his dad has always struggled with his weight and he's very punitive with himself. So he learned it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw his dad, though, and I told him I thought because you were saying something about his dad. And I was like, hey, I saw that clip of your dad. Yeah.
Your show. Take his shirt off on stage with you.
I thought. I thought he looked great. He looks great. Yeah. He's in great shape now. He's taking care. Yes, he is. He's doing a great job. Yeah. Oh, so wait.
Now, going back to what you started with here, because you you passed out and you fell and this stuff.
So how are you going to take care of yourself moving forward so this doesn't happen?
Well, I don't know how deep you want to go into the psychology of why that happened, but I am a 98 percent other focused based on some like psychological testing I did, which is not healthy, not focused on yourself at all.
So I'm just going to try to focus on myself more as a really hard thing to fix, because the perpetual motion machine that I find myself on from day to day, the never ending to do list, and I don't mean like, you know, wash the dog to do list.
I do a lot for Birte also. Of course, I my own podcast and I have two teenagers and I'm remodeling two houses. So my perpetual never ending to do list is I don't rest until there's nothing on it which is impossible.
Right. But that's it. That's a dynamic and isn't that's not sustainable. That is not sustainable.
So how do you so propose making it sustainable.
So what I started doing says I fell is to say you need to complete two things on the list today, just two. And if there's something urgent, like you said earlier, this email came in at six thirty. And it won't overload me. Right, because I've only done two things.
You're not trying to do twenty things a day. Right. Like I had it. You're really sticking to that in the ten days. Yeah.
Yeah, I've really stuck to it. That's good. So like I had a meeting before this and I have this and I'm not doing anything else today. That's great. Unless something unexpected and urgent. But I'm not pushing myself through this list because most of the deadlines for the list were my deadlines. You know, some of the stuff with Bert is not my deadline. Yeah.
That I have to respect, but like choosing the faucets for the bathrooms. That's my deadline. Yeah, but I get on this like I got deposit's done.
I got to get it done because then I have this next step and it's next step and then the dog needs to go the groom run and this and this and this. And I just tried to stop that.
Yeah. And just go. Just two things Leon. And if something comes up urgent or emergent, you can handle it.
But I mean, the stuff we were doing from October to right before I collapsed, I just I remember in that meeting saying to Bert, this is not doable.
Like, we can't actually achieve this and we achieved it anyway. Yeah. And at a cost. The collateral damage was I fell on my face and busted my face open from exhaustion. So. Yeah. So it was it was you know, I didn't make the call to push ahead with a lot of the stuff Bert did. Yeah. So perhaps next time I raise my hand and say I'm concerned, remember what I fell on my face.
Maybe this time.
Yeah, it'll mean something different. It's good because sometimes you need like the reminder because like I'll push it too, especially when touring is going on.
Yeah. But then like it's one of those things where you just look at your other friends and you go like they're they're doing it too hard. Yeah. And then it makes you go like this isn't you don't need to. Through this tour, right, you don't have to get it stuffed into this time period, right? Take your time. You can it's hard. You know, Bert always says, well, he says eat shit cast checks, which means don't just suffer through and get the money when the money comes.
My my mama says make hay while the sun shines. Right.
So you have this opportunity to to grab as many opportunities as possible.
Yeah. And sometimes that window is small. So his perspective is during this window I'm going to grab as many as I can.
And unfortunately for my very blue collar background, I have that same perspective. So we're maybe not a great combination in that where we're we become unbalanced when so many opportunities show up.
And Bert says yes to all of them. And then I go, well, if you're saying yes, buddy, I'm in this trailer up to this wagon and we are going, let's go. And and it's just it was just too much going on. Yeah. And not enough support.
You know, when covid came, all my support for the kind of minutia of life left, right, cleaning my dog walker gone the tooter for Eila gone.
So then I became the dog walker in the tooter and the cleaning person and everything else that was still going on was just too much.
Well, I'm glad you had the realization this way. Me too. In a worse way. It's pretty minor. All things considered.
You know, I got to say, I think this is the best two bears ever. It was nice to get in a whole bunch of words.
And you had some really good words. Thanks.
A lot of times people are like they should be called. Was it a bird talks, Tom listens or how funny.
So funny. When he comes on my podcast, I'll get an email going. Could you just tell him to fucking mind his own business? He has enough podcasts. I listen to him on this one. This one. I'm tired of hearing him. I'm coming to see you. And I'm like, there's no stopping him now.
There's no there's no. But actually, the truth is I enjoy it. I enjoy it. I have fun. Yeah. Well, thank you for coming. Thank you for having me.
Yeah. This was a lot of fun this time. I had a good time. Thank you. And it was fun to you know. But Burt, we love you.
We love you, Burt. I love you, baby doll. I love you too, baby doll. Right, Burt.
Little one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tell stories and bird the machine. There's not a chance in hell that day. OK, here's what we call sandbaggers. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humour, no apologies. Here's what I recall. So there's one case.