I thought you were going to show your boobs. There we go, had a mole removed. We did have a mole removed here. So it's red. I have to get it. Just ignore that. But I was on FaceTime with Andy Letterman and Esther Povitsky the other day, and I was showing them this like mole removal thing.
And then Andy Letterman goes, did you get that bra from the Holocaust Museum?
How great is that job? Hundred percent. This episode of Two Bears, One Cave is brought to you by Buffalo Trace, a good damn whiskey. The distillery was just named 2020 Distillery of the Year. The San Francisco World Spirit Competition literally has some of the best whiskey tasters in America, judging hundreds of whiskey and Buffalo Trace one the most. It was two decades ago when Buffalo Trace won the same title by Whiskey Advocate magazine. Google it and see it for yourself.
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And I agree. Buffalo Trace is motto is Stand strong. They Won't Compromise. Distilled Age and bottled by Buffalo Trace Distillery 90 Proof. Franklin County, Kentucky. Buffalo Trace. American Family Owned and independent. Hey guys. Brand new, two bears, one cave. I'm here with my guest host for the day. My bestie.
I absolutely love you. You know I do. And I want to start it. I want to start today off on a I want I want everything to go in a great fun way. And I want to start off today's episode with talking about dogs, OK? Because I have the greatest fucking dog in the world, OK? I have the greatest dog in the world who every morning Bullmastiff comes in bed. Tom Cigarroa told me he was like he was like, do not get a fucking mixed breed.
Those are those should be put down, as with Tom, as Tom feels.
And I was like, what is like pure breeds, pure reedman pay top dollar puppy mills.
That's Tom. That's Tom anyway.
We're going to shit all over town today, huh?
Let's talk about dogs for a second, because here's the thing.
Just so you know, I'm in your space. Yeah, this is your show. Everyone listening to your show probably doesn't like me. Why?
Why do you think that? Well, I just I feel like I don't know. I feel like they're coming to see Tom and Bert. And so I just want to make sure I don't interrupt. We call you.
Oh, don't worry about interrupting. I do that all the time. No, I don't interrupt people. I never I know one child. We call you all the time where you are one of our friends for real. Why do you bang the table? You know, that fucks up the sound. It doesn't.
Do you hear that enough? No, it doesn't. Just your your fat knuckles. I don't have. By the way, let's jump there then.
I am down seventeen pounds. You are svelte.
I look good. When I saw you you i, i, I was like I could look svelte.
I think I like the hair and got my bloodwork back to the doctor and perfect my liver. Perfect not no cirrhosis. No suros shocking. No striking.
More importantly, no calcium in my heart. No perfect EKG, CT scan where they scan the interior. Oh is that what it is.
Oh what is an EKG. Explain to me please. I'm just a stupid lady who does an EKG.
I'm doing this character with my daughters where it's a misogynist so they get sick.
All right, let's hear it. Let's hear it. What are where is he, our young our female bullmastiff is female. Female is such a wild word, isn't it? Well, these females. Yeah, there are some females there tonight.
I heard you saying that you don't like the word you used to not like the word vagina.
Well, vagina is it's so wild to me that it's a I used to say it on stage when I was bombing at the Comedy Store when I was twenty two. Yeah. I mean like in my vagina I'm going, oh you know, vagina does sound like a word your mom would use.
It's a medical term. It's in my vagina. It's it's a medical term. Yeah. And then I did when I did two for girls I had Kat Dennings character saying they joke in the pilot was and you make my vagina dry up or something. And then there were all these articles written about me saying that I like ruined television.
I'm raunchy, I'm disgusting, like I'm gross. And yeah, a lot of these guys came for me and that I was thought of is like a raunchy person.
Well, so then do you what would be your go to word if it wasn't vagina. I don't like, I don't like pussy. I don't mind pussy with my friends I, I like axe wound personally.
Stick it in my accent.
Hey just take that a hug.
You like a meat curtain is not my favorite. I do. OK, I don't. Here's the deal. I heard Dane Cook one time call him meat curtains.
He was using maybe I didn't see this one.
I did dream about work on Burt's meds. So no, nobody maybe it's happened or maybe it didn't. OK, you need the last podcast. Let's get you to talk less.
Live more, by the way. No shit. You need to live without documenting and cancel culture. I start going.
So I've talked for a hundred thousand hours like, oh no, I've I've been sent some videos that are sketchy as shit. I remember when I found out you couldn't send Dick because the people I can cancel Uber whenever I want.
I can literally ruin your life whenever I want to, literally.
Do you remember how we ended our phone call the other day? Oh, I think I was probably go get this bug. Remember to tell you when you raped me and you hung up, you hung up and I was laughing and I responded and you weren't there. And I called Bob. I just, you know, if when I did it. I know it's a joke, you can't rape me, I wouldn't say no. I don't think I just I think I would just die.
Laughing Imagine you raping me. Oh, fuck you.
Raping me would be. Oh, I would just be like, oh, what are you doing?
Oh, my God. Imagine you trying to rape me. I feel like you couldn't.
I couldn't. I've actually thought of it. I don't think I can have sex with you. I don't think it would be. Well, you know, I tried to suck my dick one time and we die laughing.
No, no, I don't start this story at the beginning. And if you think you're going to sell, you're not going slow enough.
No, it's like we were just talking. I was like, let me try this. Like, let's see where it was. I was told I was sitting in the back room to. You were in Pensacola, Florida, my dad's crikey's.
You were on the Travel Channel.
So, you know, this was like in my like when I was like a kid, I used to open for Bobby on the road.
OK, so let's this is a bellbottom with me wearing corduroy backpack, wearing new balance, wearing what this is before broke girls.
Yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. When I was by the way, this Whitney pull up a picture of early Whitney. Not not my favorite. Whitney, I've got to be honest with you. You, like my wife, have gotten much more beautiful the older you've gotten.
I concur. You have gotten. I concur. I saw a picture. You money. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I go to hand hands together. Whitney hands together. We're saying it's actually a pretty weird. No that's that's. No I had, I had money by that I think it was. Is it eating disorder Whitney. No, that's eating disorder.
Whitney next to Chris. No, you know what, that starts with me working way too hard. That's Vanity Fair, that's Whitney, that's Whitney with no health insurance yet. Eating disorder. Whitney. Oh, my God.
I don't like you like that. I like you like that. Like you. Like me like that. I don't. I don't. Neither do I. I'm ashamed of it. I like you. Like, I'm embarrassed. Let's roll. Let's take a closer on the other day.
And I was like, can we please do a fucking roast our old standby specials.
I want to go there. Just roast our old shit. Sweet, sweet.
Why don't you haven't told me about the misogynist character? What are we talking about right before this massage. Nobody is talking about me.
Believe that. No, we were just laughing. I was just like, what if I sucked your dick? How funny would that be?
I was like, I don't know. I have a good sense of humor. And we were just like, we so funny.
Like, it would just be so hilarious, like what would happen? And then we would start laughing. And I was like, let's try to do it. And it just wouldn't happen. And then we were just joking because it would be like, would I be able to get past your belly? Like what might your belly be hitting me in the head like? That's a real question.
It's like a logistic I like. I just get really stuck in the logistics of like, how could I suck your dick and like, what? I threw out my back, like, it was just like, could you catch it?
Like, could I want to couch hands on the like when you have to be in like a like a like a reverse like bridge so that I could get to it like have you ever given a blowjob and the guy came so fast you, you were caught off guard.
You were like, I just want all of these crises all over the place, almost like dropping a can that you opening again? No, I've done that.
I've had that with sex with young guys. We're like, oh, yeah.
Oh, OK. Well, now I have to I can get new sheets I like.
I was so good at that that I had a I had a fucking the first time I had sex with and I came within like seconds and I said, gosh, I think someone's breaking into my house. I got to check, see what's going on.
After you had sex with I had I put it in like probably one to like maybe what was in 1944.
No, this was this was this was 1953. That was my address. Glynco 19, 1953. Glynco was my address. All right.
Maybe I should stop plasticware lives. There is a great fucking house.
This has to be the Miller's old house. And so maybe it's 1958 anyway. Cecil B. de Mills old house. Yeah, yeah. We had a we had a stage in the corner of a stage where bands would play for parties. It was the fucking coolest goddamn house. Three three stories. Awesome. Anyway, first time I had sex with him condom.
I was a condom guy. I used to believe in AIDS and and did we got all agree.
AIDS was made in a lab and ends well.
Now that we have discovered we know how they do it. But so what condom. Yeah I wear a condom when the first time I had sex with them sounds so weird. Like I was like.
I know. Was it for pregnancy or STDs.
Oh I was a big usted guy. I thought any girl that wanted to have sex was a whore.
I have I have really fucked up fear of if you're, if you're diseases, if you're if I was it it's interesting. The second lien and I stopped having unprotected sex, I wanted her to get pregnant. I didn't care. I was like, not how you knew you loved her because you wanted to get pregnant.
I was like, I want that's so weird because I had a guy that I was dating and like all he would talk about is like, I want to get you pregnant. Like, it's so hot. And then I like having heard from two weeks.
I don't mean so. Yeah, it's interesting. So let's go back to the sex. So you've had sex with guys. I like that your Segway is it's interesting. I know you said your teather. That's really it's interesting. What the fuck am I got? The new. What else is happening?
No, no, no, no, no. You said that you said you've had sex with guys younger that have had to quit or.
Yeah, well, this was when I was like twenty four. I had sex with the guy.
I thought you were having sex 19. But you know, now I'm having sex with ads like 30 and they that's not.
What do you talk to him about. He's like a brilliant but you're not forty eight. You're still like thirty something. Thirty eight. Yeah. Oh yeah.
I've been 66 for like twenty years.
You have, you have old woman energy. I've always had it. I have old man.
I know you've got sexual energy and you do and you do you know. But I don't think I have sexual sexual energy at all. No I'm on antibiotics. I said no, you definitely do. I remember the first time I ever met you. I remember I was blown away at how close you were to I think I said this on the.
Oh yes. And we hugged when we know I said I was we were at the Improv. I'm almost certain I've said this to you. We shake hands.
You know, we you were talking whatever you're doing, you were really close to me and you were like really close. But you touched me a couple of times. And I walked away and I was like this. And Patrice was like, oh, bitch, touched your face. You got no power now. And I was like, What? Because I saw what happened.
She just owned your shit. Patrice's there. And whatever energy we're doing, you're very natural to you. But it was Patrice was watching it and he was calling it like prison energy.
It's actually this is actually West Virginia energy. I'm like Appalachia. That's my ancestry. Appalachia who?
Liam. Really amazing foothills of Appalachian.
Oh, so these were the I had to go to West Virginia last year because I made jokes about it on the James Corden program about being from West Virginia and my ancestry. And I have such a like like we used to have to like ward off bears. Yeah. With our personalities, like, you know, like in the seventeen hundreds like in hollers, like a holler. Yeah. Is that is weird. Dolly Parton grew up. Yeah. And Loretta Lynn.
Exactly right. So like West Virginia, Appalachia, people like we don't fucking play dude.
Yeah that is so. So where is the poor girl now. Because you're not poor and now not.
But it's like I come with gifts for your family when I show up. Yeah. You know, I'm saying you don't show up without a gift. That's LeAnn like you don't show up without food, like you protect your tribe.
You get the gift bag Lance up for the Gavin. I did, and that's end is like that was when I thought that was like a Netflix tax lien Leon made.
Is there no way to use any of the footage from the cabin shit that we shot? Oh, I mean, I laughed so fucking hard during that.
That was so funny and emotional. And I do think that that should have a home at some point.
I wish. I wish maybe I don't know, I I wasted so much time and I know I know I'm not getting paid to do this.
Why do podcast guests get paid. Shut the fuck up. Why don't why don't I pay my guests. I started paying my gas.
You paid cash. I did not pay cash. OK, I pay but I did her podcast and I just got a podcast. Yes, I would be a great fucking called the creepy's and I never mind.
And I redid my entire studio to shoot hers at mine. I put up tiger blankets and for her background and moving too fast because I want to talk about Kesha.
I also want to tell I feel like this is going glacially slow. No, we're only 13 minutes.
Then we've got all exhausted. So we let's go back to the poor girl. I mean. Yeah, because I was watching her before.
I know the end is neither working class. OK, working class. Most people normal, that's most people don't know what I mean, because because it's something that I've watched him battle with of getting money. And I know that I know that. I wonder how I wanted to know what cars you've owned.
I want to know. Well, sure. Because there is a leap when you go in your fucking cars.
No, no, no, it's not. I listen to his podcast and I listen for the ads truly. BR. I just live to listen to him try to pronounce the products so fucking funny.
And him trying to figure out how to plug in his computer person, President Bird doing an ad and then host ad libs and you. Oh shit. I got to ad lib that.
And so what are you saying about br. Brr. Oh no. I just love listening to him read his ads, the like confrontational energy he has.
This is so fucking fucking funny to me. But no, I mean listen, I, I come from West Virginia, a place called Harpers Ferry, Roanoke, Virginia, D.C. and I was back and forth. Right. So I don't pay for clothes. I this is free, as Bill would say, free or vintage only.
So there's a hustle in you. There's a hustle and there's I will not pay for things like we grew up going to flea markets, antique fairs, swap meets. So if I I'll go to like Neiman Marcus Dotcom, Barney's Dotcom, Neta Porter, dot com, all the fancy websites and then shop up. I'll see all the things and then I'll go to my Etsy shop and then I'll just Google Rainbo vest vintage and I'll get it for thirty dollars like.
You know, yeah, so here's what I hereby declares, that the news is the secret's out, that I have a speech impediment everyone knows from my podcast.
So here's the juxtaposition, is that you go, oh, all these fans, all these fans hate me. Here's the thing. I don't say that you just said that earlier.
Oh, your fans. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not my fans. Yeah, no, I know your fans and your face, but I don't think they do enough. And I think the ones that do are have a different view of who you are because we know who you are.
And I think sometimes you come off as as this uber successful Hollywood producer, actress, comedian, kind of showrunner, beautiful, you know, sexy, beautiful, because a lot of every time I've talked to really beautiful women, they say, you know, it's crazy, like guys don't hit on me.
And they're like, really? And they're like, yeah, they're I know very beautiful women get guys get intimidated. I know I'm intimidated by hot chicks. I literally was like, I'm not there are chicks that were so hot. I'd be like, I'm not even going to fucking talk to them. I don't even want to get shot down. I know I'm going to get shot down. I'm going to pass. So but I think that's where it comes from and I know who you are.
Is this, like, really kind of grounded? I feel like we had this conversation on your broadcast.
No, let us have it again. But that's my point is like is like and then I know that's how do you. So talk me through every car you own from the first car to the last car. And I think it just shows a progression of I want to know the car.
That's a great, great question. My first car. Well, what I like from being a kid and my family first car.
Munns I'll go. I'll go. We'll go back and forth. Volks, Volkswagen, Fox, uh, eleven thousand dollars, white tan interior.
So we were fake rich. That was my whole thing. OK, we were going I love this. Keeping up with the Joneses. We're like, I'm Fakhri. We really had an infinity. But I come home with a permission slip or like a thing safety pinned to my shirt. That was like your tuition isn't paid for your school. And we had, you know, and like, you guys have to give this car back. Now, all of a sudden the car would be taken away and all of a sudden, like, you need to give that ring back.
Like there was a lot of that. Yeah. You know, my dad was like loan shark business. So I would just have random engagement rings for Christmas on shut the fuck up.
Yeah. Like, who's RH G.
Yeah, I know. Later, like, I was like I would get like an engagement ring, like a diamond ring and like six years old like me. So but there was nothing in the refrigerator, you know, it was like a very wide the heat didn't work. Like I caught on fire because I stood on the stove to get warm.
I told you this. I told you this when we shot when we shot the cabin, my dad represented the Church of Scientology and they gave him a big. That's right. Yeah. They gave him a big signing bonus type thing and said, we got all your work. My dad worked for them and we had enough money to buy a new house. And then we moved into the new house and L. Ron Hubbard split and we didn't get paid. And so we had a big house with no furniture.
I remember that is so fascinating, big how important I think this was for my earrings that I got on Etsy with back on subject with me, I can't believe I'm the one driving this right now.
Can you imagine if Tom was here? All right. So so first car.
I probably like shitting a we're going to talk about Tom.
Here's a bunch of questions. He's like, how much I don't how much money she has for Jesus.
So, OK, first car that I remember, the first car that I. 16 years old. Oh, 16. Oh, no. This was so all of our mothers were, quote, gold diggers. We have to stop trashing gold diggers. It's enough.
All of our moms did the best they could with the tools they had, which was their face and their what did you call it, Pikachu her like they had to hustle for us.
Right. And that was they had to Khateeb that shit.
OK, she's with us. Pussy. Don't make me think about my mom's let I suppose it's not in your mom's house, your mom's White House plus your house. Don't make me do this.
Who named Joe Brand steals?
So she I had an Acura s.L, I think was my first car, which was very nice. But we didn't have money. It was a lease and I crashed it listening to Lauryn Hill. Oh yeah. I hear it was Rosebraugh Rose gold. Rose gold. Upper left. Upper right. I like this.
Yeah. And my and my. And this is basketball. Whitney, this is. Yeah.
But also by the way that picks your basketball. Whitney, I want to grab her and hug her because it's the cutest Whitney there is.
She was not a game but by basketball Whitney was also working with an eating disorder and like doing like modeling and QVC. So I was like like basketball. Oh my God. So all for the dads out there. Your daughter's in the disordered eating eating disorders are gone, though.
No one gets them anymore. Keep going. At least my daughters will have them. So I just figured they would have gotten them right and they didn't get them. So I was like, I guess no one gets them anymore.
Got to keep going. Keep going. So basketball with me. Adorable. A little plus sized in her head, so not comfortable with the fact that she's good at last time, you hung out with your daughter's not on camera. And also it's been a while.
Then why would I do that if it wasn't going to use the also my daughter just gave up. Do you pay your daughters for their time on your show? No.
My daughters just gave me a speech about jokes I was and wasn't allowed to tell in this new world. Georgia just sat me down and said, just give me your. I said something. I said something. I made a lighthearted joke in my house about some celebrity who had transitioned. Which one? Eliot and and I just made a joke. I made like a lighthearted joke. And George was like, Hey, man, not cool.
And I went, What do you mean? I go home in my house. She goes, I'm just telling you, if you're working this out for the stage, don't do it. I went, What do you mean? She goes, We'll just you know, you tell that joke and then everyone knows my dad thinks that way. And I went, Oh, fuck, yeah.
I was like, oh my God, we're going to go here. Why don't you tell? Well, that's probably the joke.
Oh, yeah. All right. You're back in the rotation, Eliot. I guess you don't get stoned. That's genius. I'll just tell a fucking joke and then go, my daughter's like that. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I love it. God damn it. All right, keep going. I have another joke going to run by you.
Not just write your act right now. Yeah. Yeah. I drive over here to make sure I was a lit me. I do not have eyes on a bunch of shit like I'm being used. So Acura next.
Next car. You go to college. I love this on a scholarship. I didn't go to college on a scholarship. I walked on my basketball team. What can I do you want me to answer?
I'm asking, do you have Tourette's? No, I just I'm really active. Interviewer. Where do we get to Tom Cruise's blow up?
All right. OK, yeah. No, I have questions. I have questions. And I'm already telling you on Tom side. I don't even know what he said.
But once you interrupt yourself, I know, by the way, this is going to be Tom's favorite episode. He's going to be like cruise and cigarette.
OK, so accuracy l crashed. It was voted worst driver at my high school, St. Andrew's. College, I didn't have a car when I was in Philly, I took the bus. Were you a school? You went to Penn? I went to Penn, but I took night classes at Temple University.
To Bill Cosby. Yep.
Keep going. Night classes get it. The Cosby Show is excellent. It was great. It is great. It was it is great.
It's keeps going and those girls just kept their mouth shut. I'm like, you can't say that. Keep going.
You can say that. You can say it. But when you say it, you're an asshole.
We should tell him that when he gets off oxes. Now, go ahead. What did he use, ketamine, Kazmi? No, no, no, I think it was just old school Quaaludes. You know, there is not a diverters, but there is some. There was I want to say in someone's book, they were talking about how Hugh Hefner used to do Slip Girls the Mickey all the time that Mickey was, that's what a roofie was.
There was super commonplace.
You know, I'm obsessed with a little bit of history because you go back to history and you see how absolutely horrible I'll say, men, I'm just going to say no, I know, because that's all that history is about.
Sex started being consensual like twenty five years ago, I would argue five like.
Oh, because how about any day now?
I think in a week it's going to start being consensual.
Last night I pounded some Nyquil and I'm I'm not sure what happened.
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So no, no car in Philly, no car.
Philly, by the way, I'm just getting to the point when you buy an expensive car, that's all I want to know.
And then get to my dad, who is and it was an amazing, resilient, like huckster, magic man. Did he drink? No addictions for my mom.
That was that was that there was a lot of alcoholism in my family. But for alcoholism to be present, alcohol doesn't have to be present. So there's other kinds of addictions in my family, my addiction, the cunning and baffling disease of addiction. My family was very insidious because it manifested in other ways, like in gifting and cooking and manipulating and money and sex and love and love addiction stuff. Sneaky, sneaky hookers. And, you know.
Do you got any leisure fares? Sorry. Do I have it. Oh yeah, I have you done I mean, I don't expect you to like read my book or watch my stand up, read a book or listen to my podcast.
But I do literally there's memes that are like that are so funny where some of say like nobody parentheses, you know. And then Whitney Cummings. Oh, I identify as an I don't it's really funny when people ask me on that. Yeah. But yeah. So. The codependents in my family is super severe, so my dad would show up, I had a white grand Jeep Cherokee that I love.
Can I just tell you, I think I counted seven.
I want to say six, seven would love a grandey. I knew no one, but I interned at E! Entertainment and went to UCLA theater program over a summer.
I came out here and I sure you don't need to pull up the car with this car.
That's my fav. Oh, God, it's so good. There is a thing about it. There is. I got to tell you this.
I love the Jeep Rubicon. I really want to Rubicon truck. The Rubicon Rubicon truck, I'm in it with Tom on text with the Bronco, but I just I can't I'm not going back a that was in the Rubicon.
I like this rock in black.
Yeah, it's so interesting.
Oh, I'm sorry. I grew up riding in the back of trucks in Virginia.
So Zoozoo P apostrophe up a zoo. Pop, pop. I know that. I know that car. Google it. Yeah. It's a zoo pup. A Zoozoo pup. Yeah. That was my shit.
I used to fucking my uncle would drive me to that school and I was so fucking embarrassed about it. Navy Blue. Yeah. Richie Spurge.
Richie, who is the kid my high school had won. Ritchie Valens not Ritchie Valens. So I know. No we weren't, we didn't like that exhibit shit. No mine was. Yeah. Like a navy blue one. It was a little like more zuppa Richie Gulbis than that.
Yeah. Ish and I would drive in the back of it and have to fucking stick and we drive up and I was always so embarrassed and I'd have, my mom would have dogs in the back and they would jump out of the car in front of all the kids. And I was so fucking embarrassed.
An expense, a good looking car takes in a woman who's a six and turns renewed ten. I will see women that I would never have. That's not OK.
I'm going to stop you right there. That's not science. I know, I know. Same thing happens with men, but like, I'll pull up and I'll see Range Rovers. I mean, you drive a Range Rover.
Maybe I should tell everyone what you're rolling around in a nice car, turns a six into a 10.
Yeah, something's happening with dudes. But. It's my nanny. From fucking 10 years ago, I accidentally called her thinking it was Nikki Glaser. Got my old man trying to call Nikki. I called Nikki. Oh, I have a question. Would you be interested? Do people who come on this podcast stop, stop, stop, stop? I'm going to lose my thoughts. I'd like three thoughts going on. So, yes, a car makes someone better looking, but I will be the worst looking.
I'll see someone at a stoplight.
And if I see a just a regular mom, like a regular old mom, not that hot, but she's in a fucking Range Rover. I'm like, God damn, she's hot.
And I actually did that for Lee-Anne in this crazy when I got I remember Lee-Anne had a Honda Civic.
No, no, a tour. One of those cars.
Right. And I'm I'm bored.
Listen to me and it gets better. OK, OK, well, we'll pivot to what people like to talk. Is this what you do on the show you talk about.
Yeah. Usually you wouldn't be talking as much. It would just be me. If it's Tom, he doesn't he just kind of just talk over him, so.
OK, so then OK, let's go back to the subject. OK, so then Cherokee, Jeep Cherokee now hit pause and tell me about dreams.
We had magical Cherokee because at this moment you just can't stand up. You're in L.A., you're interning for E! Tell me about dreams.
No doubt that time I'm driving a kiya.
K I a, you know, a key that I rented to to go and then note that the and then I was friends with Jennifer Love Hewitt because I punched her and she let me borrow her Range Rover and paparazzi would follow me around thinking I was hurt, like, sorry I always felt so bad.
So I punke term we became friends from that.
Jennifer Love Hewitt seems like the kind of person you'd fall in love with and then go, she's the best, she's OK.
But then you have some shit with women. No, I don't. Yes, you do. I definitely do. I definitely do.
So what is it? What is it now? Problem. Jennifer Love Hewitt. She will fuck you. So now you have to hate her. No, I. By the way, I could totally fucked, you know, you get it, all right. You could rape Jennifer Love Hewitt. No, I would never. I don't think you have to. I would definitely. I think definitely. I don't think you have a picture. I don't think you have Jennifer Love Hewitt dating right now.
She's married to Lisieux. You dated. And I'll tell you guys, I'm yelling because. Because I need to hear me. Boyfriend history, boyfriend history. Boyfriend history. OK, OK. Carson Daly.
I remember this is my first. They were, by the way, my first writing job, last call with Carson Daly, my first stand up appearance. Last call with Carson Daly. Google it. I trust you.
Let's see. Jennifer Lopez initiated Jamie Kennedy.
Huh. Who's that.
This is what we do. Can someone say something about something she dated Shaggy? I don't think so.
Actually, I know these are just photos of her on red carpets. Oh, OK. Just where we just by the way, by the way, just for the record, I you definitely be Jennifer Love Hewitt in my prime. Not not now I'm married, but like in my prime, I disagree. Easy, easy disagreement. Look at this.
She jumps around from guy to guy. Ross McCarl, the guy from fucking the intern from The Tonight Show. Ross, no other film. Who's wrong? Is this just a guessing show, Ross McCallum, definitely better looking. Never mind. Never mind. No, no, no, no, no, I'm not. That was a bad picture. OK, fine. OK, there we go.
So I like Jennifer Love Hewitt because she's actually not shallow and she's cool. So she probably would be like, he's nice and funny and safe.
I guarantee you, Jennifer loves you, is watching this right now going I'd fuck him. She doesn't know who you are. I mean, I haven't talked to her in years, but I'm sure she does it.
If you saw her when she recognized you. Yes, because we were friends, OK? I'm friends with people that I would be like, hey, Burkhart's, you see, I run into people and I'm like, I'm like, Oh, who is that guy?
They want to show they are we dated.
Oh, I do that a lot. You know, I did that too. I saw a girl writing in her journal one time and I was like, I fucking know her. I went anywhere nice with her and I went up and I went duck my head over her shoulder. So what do we write in our journal thinking she'd be like Burt? And she went, Who the fuck are you? And it was it was Reese Witherspoon.
What are you waiting? I want to send that to Reese Witherspoon. She was that she was that Jones on third.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What are we writing in team? You tell that story again.
I was this was I was 27 years old and I saw a girl I recognized at a place called Jones on 3rd on Beverly, I think. And I said, oh, I'm going to go sneak up behind her. I put my head over her shoulder. She was writing in the journal. I go, What are we writing? And she looked at me. She goes, Who the fuck are you? And it was Reese Witherspoon.
She definitely wasn't writing in her journal. She was definitely writing, definitely like writing notes about like taking over the world.
Yeah, she was writing in something and I stuck my head over her shoulder. My buddy Craig goes, Do you know Reese Witherspoon?
No, I do not. Two thousand eight. Two thousand. Yeah. This is like writing, right, when she was breaking up with Ryan Philippe.
OK, I don't know. I'm just telling you, that's why I'm not just telling you that's what it was. OK, it's enough.
By the way, did we just do a side podcast on our podcast, OK? No, I'm texting. So let's cut to the chase first car where you dropped a little coin. You got it. You dropped some coin. You were excited. You got in it and you felt like a million dollars. Give me a year. Give me the car and give me the give me the paycheck that it came from. I did a talk show in a car talk show literally with Lexus, the Lexus S.L hired me.
I pulled up Alexis. I didn't I didn't have this car. I was hired to do a talk show in a car. It was called the Lexus. I would go to different cities and do a car show.
It was like almost like the before podcast. It was like a podcast, you know, and Lexus. Nope. That's not it.
It was two thousand five, 2005 Lexus, call it.
Nope, it was a coupe coupe coupe. And I would go to different cities.
No, no, I saw it. I know which one you're Jewish.
Yeah. It was a little more boxy. Boxier. That's a little more like Trubek. It was a little that one on the right looks kind of right. And then I would drive around with like people that were famous in their town, like kind of what she was doing with his taco food truck shit. It was like you would go and was like Grant Ashar, who's like the greatest chef in Chicago in the world, really. And the Kopay who I said her name, a cop I a singer in San Francisco.
And I drive on to a talk show with them and they gave me twenty five thousand dollars an episode and it paid off my debt, my student debt. And then I got a they did not give me a car, but I got three thousand dollars an episode in episode that was for me.
That was no that's that's right. Now these days I was I was making, I was making, I was writing for other comics at the time.
That's the only way I was making money writing. Show me those names under your breath.
I what comics. Not writing his own. How about this.
I know one sarteano already by the way the ones that in twenty fifteen the ones that were funny that you were like oh that was a good joke. No, actually, no, that was those were just stolen. I mean, you writing about all three of those were just. Well, no, that was like when I was opening for our common women. No, I wrote for.
Well, no, this is no, this I've never even heard. I wrote for Katie Couric on the Matt Lauer roasts.
That's like that's a different thing.
But that's what I was I was charging to and I was doing selling clothes at Buffalo Change, especially like how I would sleep with, like, a guy that had like a I remember one time I got it. Is this a big podcast? Yeah. How many people listen to that?
Very few people. Tell me.
Tell me they got your podcast. Tell me. Yes. How many. Listen, if you tell me I'm the guy you're sleeping with. We didn't know. We didn't sleep together. Actually, we never had sex. Sean Lennon, who's John Lennon's son with my friend that we met in acting class, we never had sex. We were just very good friends. I loved him. He was dating Bijou Phillips.
The this is Bijou Phillips is the girl that had the talk show that you're so busy. PHILIPPS God, did you fill up SUSAN They related. Not at all.
They're not related. We're on busy. Phyllis and Bijou Phillips are not related. But you know who is related? Snoop Dogg. And they told me that's just racism.
No, I think they're related.
I'm sure there is Jason Schwartzman and Nicolas Cage and Francis Ford Coppola.
Oh, I knew that. I didn't know they're all in the same family. Hold on. Pull the picture. Bijou Phillips. I'm busy. Phillips. I want to give a shout out to busy.
Phillips is the kind of like more like getable one. Right. Like the one where you're like, look, I know ok Nobbys you bijoux off.
That's Buju Phillips bijoux a fucking dime.
OK, go to busy and then busy. Phillips is a very successful actress, very good friend of mine that I saw.
Busy, busy. Phillips has got like bulbs. You should buy energy, she should play your wife and something busy.
Phillips looks like she can pack a bowl, take your shoes off too after work.
They kind of smell the smell of them, Wade But OK, she's more of a Maag Tequila girl.
Busy films are probably watching because you're on it busy. I tell you, fuck talk shows just to apologize. She has a podcast over.
There you go. I liked her talk show, but it was too short. It was like, well, you never got to the point and it never it's the right. What's wrong with talk shows is they're so fucking quick. But if busy, Phillips was left to talk for like an hour with those people. I would walk and be into that. It's like when we did we did Kelly Clarkson the other day.
And the intrusion we me and you, that's how we works.
When you say we didn't do Kelly Clarkson with, you know, we both did it. OK, I did it Tuesday. You did it Wednesday.
Yeah. They basically they were like, we'll give you Whitney, if you'll pardon. Sure.
Anyway, I just want I wanted I wanted to hit a busy, I don't know, busy fellowship. I wanted it to go just do a podcast because I watch what she's doing.
A podcast. That's awesome. I'm glad she took my advice now.
So let's go back. So you hooked up with John Lennon, son?
No, you do. Okay. Yeah, I'm barely I'm trying to fucking focus with me. This is what I've got a pen for the first time tracking this down. I wrote here. It's great to be here. Fucking Jesus Christ, your suicide note. So so I know. So what do you think? You were talking about the car you sold your house? I did not hook up with Sean Lennon.
You make a 20 episode is I have I can have good guy friends that there's no sexual energy.
All I have is fucking women friends and I have no sexual energy with love it. And so he like left a t shirt at my house that was like a vintage Duran Duran t shirt.
I was going to joke and say, you were stealing his clothes. I love that you actually stole.
And I sold it at Buffalo Exchange for like seventy dollars. I love that. You're like, hey man, you having a house party? And then he was like, do is that I think I left to show at your house. I was like, I don't know, it's so funny. I just dropped off, I'm poor like so I would sell people's clothes like I would, I would like go to like gifting suites with like famous friends like Jennifer Love Hewitt and stuff and get like the gift bag and sell it on eBay and shit like that.
Like that's how I made and I returned to the store like you'd get like Kiehl's shampoos and I returned to the store, which you can't do anymore.
I love that.
But then what was the hardest part was a Lexus hybrid. And I infamously, if you've seen my first stand up special where I'm yelling at the audience because I don't know how mikes work, it was my first special. I don't know what the fuck I was doing. I was like screaming like like I was just like a psycho. I look like a like a mere cat, a I the first day I got it, I filled it up with diesel fuel.
Because I got there and I and I, I got the pump and it was green, I was like, oh, the green pump, the green means it's like good for the environment. Like, this is like the healthy.
This is like the the good gas for the environment. I'm going to use that and that it didn't fit in the thing. And I was like, oh, my car's so new. Like they haven't caught up yet. So.
So I held it and let it drip in and I filled it with diesel fuel and then I couldn't drive it.
And it was like this hybrid could it.
It, it, it, it was like this is weird. And then they towed it to Lexus and all the like. They were like, like, like hurt their feelings. The mechanics at Lexus, it cost me like seven thousand dollars. And did you have seven thousand.
Oh I had to go into debt to fix the damage I did. It destroys the whole car.
So then how long did you drive the car for. Did you drive it into two broke girls.
And let's get into Whitney.
Yeah, I broke girls is a I didn't I don't think I realized. I don't think I really this sounds weird, I didn't realize you're you're not we're not interviewing me. We've done this on your podcast before. You have broadcast it. Perfect. Then I'll just the last thing Tom just wanted to know.
We don't need to drive viewers to know our girls.
Tom, Tom wrote down notes for things you want me to ask you, OK? And he was like, what's her net worth? So what is it?
I love that you say that because I my first thing I used to do when I would like running around Hollywood and figure out how the fuck did get successful, I would want to ask famous people how much money they had.
Oh, it's my biggest, favorite things about everything in the world. Like, I love I love pulling up networks and going, like, what's my idea that I do? I do that on my podcast, guys. Yeah.
Krischer Network. I do is I really I don't know if that's actually I don't even know what mean. Well it's your it's what you own like you're like liquid.
It's like if everything were to be liquify, sold everything off because I'm one time I asked one time I remember I asked Hank Azaria it was so fucking fucked up whose voice he goes, I was like Hank Azaria because he's you know, he was a has points on The Simpsons.
I think he does. Whose voice. Yeah, well not anymore.
That was right with that whole saga here. There was a whole documentary about what happened. What's the deal with the poor, deal with the poor and I don't think I understand called what's the deal.
Let's get it right. It's called like a poo documentary. Simpsons.
Yeah, I think it's called What's the Story with a poo?
The problem, the problem with the. And then he acquiesced and doesn't do anymore and under pressure. Me I like doing it. Oh you know what, one of my favorite moments of us that we ever had when we were when we sounded out Rogen and everybody. Yeah. That I loved that.
OK, so then do so does that do you know what we're talking about Nadaf. What comedians sound like as opposed to doing their act.
So you like tells us. Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh. And Petraeus was that.
And then what's the fucking yagur.
Yeah, yeah. Petraeus was I had taken Petraeus.
Really? No, I mean I obviously laboratories. I respect him. He was just so mean to me. Oh yeah.
Oh yeah. By the way, for all the people celebrating Petraeus, they never knew him. Well, you knew Petraeus. It's funny. I don't. I don't. Brutal.
Oh yeah. Nobody owes me anything. And like, I radically forgive it, except I think he's brilliant. But I remember him just being so shady to me and just being like, OK, yeah, I was crazy.
I know. It was someone just said, like, all these people are celebrating Petraeus. It's like if Kevin Brady but also so many people were shitting me.
So that doesn't it's not like does it narrow it down?
Yeah. All right. Let's listen to Tom Cruise's audio and let's take our hot take. This is how you go viral on podcasts. You know that. I know you do. You do a hot take.
I have no idea how to podcast. What do you do? I know I've listened. I know the the first of all. No, you haven't. Yes, I have listened to you. I listen to. Why did why do you want to talk about the interview.
I love your show. I love Kesha. OK, I love Kesha and I think she got fucked. I think she got fucked by the whole industry. I think the industry sucks. And I actually reached out to a bunch of times I used to come on stage on on Twitter and on Instagram, my friends, I used to come on stage to die young.
You used to come on stage today. And Diane was one of my favorite songs.
And by the way, huge fan. My daughters would be cautious fans. And, uh, and yeah, I reached out to her like on Twitter back in the day when I was like I was like big cash fan. I want to borrow my podcast, but it never happened. But you had on our podcast and I saw her necklaced teeth.
I loved it. OK, I love why do you do that, you go, OK, I'm, um, I'm just you celebrate me. Celebrate me. That's awesome. Tom Cruise, let's pull it up. Ready, put on your headset so you can hear it, OK?
And we'll wait for it. Oh, yeah, put your headphones on, Whitney, so you can hear it. Oh, it's just audio. Oh, it's just audio. No video. In today's day and age, they don't have video.
Now, Tom Cruise also. This is a pocket recording. Oh, what a fucking OK, let's say I.
I'm trying to face time. You're ready. Let's. Do what you need to do. Yeah, first, if you're going to waste time, I would love that. But then we're going to do we're going to say, ah, it takes before we listen to the audio and after we listen to the audio of OK, OK, so what happened is somewhat Tom Cruise got upset.
We don't know that you don't need to know anything right now.
Tom Cruise, when what year this is just happened. OK, great.
It was on the set of the new Mission Impossible movie. He got upset and oh, so he at his career, he berated his crew.
But but he someone pocket recorded him. Now let's take because we did this with Ellen without knowing anything about Ellen. Tom and I gave our hot takes and was like whatever. And then all of a sudden it didn't come out as quick. We had to wait a few weeks now. We were like on the fence. And then we're like, fuck it, we're still Team Ellen, don't give a fuck. I like Ellen. And so let's do a hot take on this.
Now, I'm going to tell you right now, I'm Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom Cruise. Day in, day out. I've always been a team. Tom Cruise.
You realize Scientology is a cult that destroys people's lives.
I got that. I was not putting that into my factor on whether or not all teams.
Tom Cruise, do you realize Shelly Miscavige is still missing and they physically beat people and who separate children from their mothers?
You're turning Columbus Day into a thing. Why can't we just have the day off?
OK, Indigenous Peoples Day, OK, like it's it's now called a rapist day. I am looking at the glass half full and you're pointing out that there's poison in the glass.
Let's out the glass case is the first of all, it's plastic.
I'll take my take my take on Team Tom Cruise on Team Berate. OK, I think it's OK to berate people. I think it's OK too.
I think I if you're if you're their boss, strongly disagree. First of all, he's not the boss. The director is the boss. First of all, the director is the boss. Second of all, he's getting paid twenty million dollars and those people are getting paid twenty five dollars an hour at best I and are away from their families.
Oh yeah. And they shop in a bubble and they should be safe.
I don't we haven't even watched a video yet and probably are probably getting covid working for this motherfucker if they're not following rules. And that's what you upset about. I'm still Team Tom Cruise because I've been in that bubble and people are fucking slack as fuck sometimes and as talent. You go listen man, we are held to a higher standard. We're in a bubble. And some people like and I can go to the grocery store, though, right?
You're like, no, that's the whole point of a fucking bubble. How the fuck did you get these fakes here? Like, yeah, I definitely I I'm already team Tom Cruise.
I did not know what else what my biggest thing about berating your crew. It doesn't work. It does.
Something doesn't really work. You're not going to get the best.
By the way, I've never berated my crew, but I'm OK with being berated. Have you ever worked retail or been a waiter? Yeah.
Yeah, I've been berated a bunch. Yeah, I've been berated my whole fucking life. Yeah. And guess what? I learned a lot.
Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm pro adversity all the time, but I've been in a lot of these situations before and I think there's a way to do it with class and tax so that it's actually effective.
I think sometimes I haven't heard it so I don't know. I haven't heard Tom's business either. But I know Tom Cruise. I'm going to get cancer. There are certain things I just cannot say no. Can I pee? No. Why don't you get it later, right at a later time.
Take your hands off. I actually still got my period. Believe it or not. Please keep us in a car that was not oh, please, please keep it in, that was not a car. That was this fucking chair.
Go pick up. Thank you. I just of like, that's OK, that's OK. She takes her purse, Tapi. Oh, you're on your period right now. This podcast is brought to you by fight camp. Look, if you're like me and trying to stay in shape, you get bored with your workouts. Getting on a treadmill is exhausting sometimes.
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Two things, by the way, I want you to watch the video of Tom playing basketball and I want you to critique his basketball, OK? I want to listen to the Tom Cruise audio. I want to get your hot take on what you thought was going to get you canceled on talking about Tom Cruise. But you don't have to say it.
But I know it's just. Yeah, it's yeah, I'm very pro crew. I'm on the crew side always.
I'm on the crew side, too. However, you know that you hold on, you know, for a fact, you've been you've run cruise and there are people who just simply don't give a fuck.
Yeah. Maybe because they get berated all the fucking time and they have no pride and no they don't feel here. I'm out here. They don't feel dignified. Who just said here I'm Lyle, he's works.
It's a British guy. We have worked here and he just always has my back. Well, I think Mr. Christia is making a fine point. Is this person is Lyle.
He's a. Is he in there? No, we have these sound bites of a British guy backing me up because sometimes I make idiotic points and it sounds better for British guys like, all right, you should write that bit.
OK, well, hang on, hang on. Hang on in the audience. See him? No, no. They him. Awful. We can talk in. Not working. OK, let's let's put a lie on ice for a second. Oh, no working. All right, so let's go.
Listen, I am not I have to stop acting for no reason.
I am not team berate. However, I'm cool with berating. I'm cool with it.
Do you know how much his crew gets paid and how much he gets paid?
The discrepancy? That is irrelevant. Here's my point. Just because Tom Cruise makes 20 million dollars doesn't mean every grippe should now make a hundred thousand dollars.
But they should be treated with respect. And I agree. I agree. If your crew does not have pride when they go to work, that is your fault if you're the boss. All right.
You're by the way, I have not listen to the video. I may be on your team after this, but I don't have a problem. And I know that you probably don't as someone who fled to sometimes lose your temper.
Oh, I don't. Losing your temper just makes people lose respect for you so it doesn't work. You're you're losing your power when you do that. So and it also isn't effective.
So when I say people, I go, hey, I had a situation yesterday where I got a clip in for the podcast and it wasn't centered properly. And I was like, hey guys, I pay five people to do this. How come no one has done what needs to happen? Like, do I need to change? Do you what do I need to do better? How can I make this better to somebody to go? Because there is this thing where when there's so many people on a crew, everyone assumes someone else is doing the job.
OK, then how about how about.
And I assume he was going to go, well, I need you guys to communicate better. Can you do that for me? So then how about that happens five times in a row. Is it OK if you go guys. What the fuck. I've said this five fucking times.
Is it OK to do that or do you have to then go?
I think you're just you're you're going to lose you're playing yourself. Let's listen. Because also you're an actor, bitch.
Act like you're in control of yourself.
If you're Tom Cruise and you know how to act, act like you can talk to a crew.
With respect, Tom Cruise also lost his shit when he was shooting Valkyrie and they were doing something for the Jews. And then someone farted and he lost his shit there. He thought that was disrespectful.
That's hilarious. But also in Scientology, you don't you never lose your shit, isn't there? Like an alien?
I saw him on Oprah. He kind of lost his shit on it. I was gonna say, like, it's like how is he the paragon of emotional stability?
Let's listen to the clip. And then we can fairly assess whether this was a allowable berating or an unreliable.
The word berate is also very charged. It's like a pep talk of like, hey, guys, we're not making our days. I want you to get home to your kids by eight o'clock.
Let's see if this is a pep talk.
I'm guessing if it's going viral today, guys, we don't get this right. You don't get to go home to your families. I just want to get you home to your family. So that's what I say.
I by the way, for the record, I have never I take that back. I'm sure those people I know there's people that worked on Travel Channel that was like, oh, no, no, you definitely berated us. I definitely I actually fired someone. Yeah, OK, I'm not kidding. You have the power to fire people. Yeah.
I sent them home because you were the host executive producer of the show. OK, you know what energy was that right there? Did you think that I just showed up to Hollywood?
It's Travel Channel. Hollywood.
No, not really. It's Chevy Chase, Maryland. Hollywood, it's.
But nobody chased my mom did pr that Neiman Marcus. Chevy Chase. I was an executive producer on my new show airing January 7th on TBS, the Go big show at 9:00 p.m. And I never and I never was. And I never once berated anybody. I never berated anybody.
You never should. I have never anyone else. I just believe everyone should be treated exactly the fucking same.
And if you have not worked crew, I mean, but treat me better. I understand like I worked with an actor once who came in and I'm like this too. Like I went on to set the other day.
With something that Paris Hilton is doing, and I saw something and I was like, oh, we got to turn the music off, you got it like I do. But it's all to benefit the show. I never want to humiliate or embarrass anyone. You are. You are. If you're sadistic, it's different. If you're trying to like if it's the for the greater good of everybody, I'm with you.
Yeah. You are someone who will go in and change lighting, change camera angles to move things around.
Take you'll take charge of a scene which I'll say I know in Hollywood sometimes when you're a woman doing that, people give you a a rap. They're like, oh, she's difficult. She's I'm fine.
Yeah, you that's your that's none of my business. Yeah. But men sometimes don't get that rap. And then if a woman was berating someone on their crew, that would be Ellen.
That's what Ellen is telling you.
Or this dude I used to date. No, he slept with my girlfriend back in college. You need to change your number. I know, right? You've got a couple of sketchy calls. You have no idea. Fifty seven minutes pull up. You have no I know. I get, like, bookings, like, hey, want to do this gig at the Pipeline Cafe and Waikiki. I'm like, why?
I keep my phone just in case when shit goes south. And then the guy from Tahoe was like, hey man seats 210, good room. I'm like actually I'm back in business with you.
I get taxed like, hey, I want to send you the script. And then two years later, my lawyers like this person suing you for stealing the idea.
I keep I keep my phone just the same number just in case Elliott Gould needs to get in touch with me. That's Ellen Page. No, no, no, that's no. You think Elliott Gould, like, oh, man, couldn't you picked a different name? I was the Elliott out here.
I thought I know I could just look at George and goes talking about Elliott Gould, honey.
My purpose is named George Farrell with a J.
I'm not going to tell you my therapist will find that guy in a heartbeat. All right.
Listen to this. Listen to the time I gave you. Did you get the present I gave you? Oh, no, you didn't give me a present.
Oh, I have won it, but it's a blessing. I didn't it didn't like a shitty plastic bag.
Let's pull up Tom Cruise's audio. Here we go. Ready? You're back in Hollywood making movies right now because of that, because they believe in this is what we're doing. I'm on the phone with every studio at night, insurance companies, producers, and they're looking at us and using us to make their movies. We are creating thousands of jobs.
And I ever want to see a dead. And if you don't do it, you're fired. I see you do it again. You go on and on the. Does that fit you if you have to. And you're going to do what?
Do you know what they were doing, the job there's got to be back story to this was if they were raping people then. It's OK. A couple people were crowded around a computer and they weren't social distancing. All right, hold on, there's two more clips. OK, please. Hey, you know, politics, you can tell the people are losing their homes because our industry is shut down and put on the table for their part of the legislation.
With every time the industry. So I'm sorry. Beyond your apologies, I hope you never let if you just your pet.
We are not shutting down. Is that it, one more clip, one more clip, please. Is it understood, if I see it, you're going. Got it? Sure. So you're going to him this job. And I feel that you're your point. You thought you might be clear.
You understand what I want. You understand the responsibility that you have because I will deal with you. And if you can't be reasonable, I can't argue with your logic. You're fine like that. What is it? I trust you guys to be here.
OK, ready now? Hold on, hold on. I might be a Scientologist. He makes some good points, can I tell you? Yes, I would rather be berated than fired. I don't know what they were doing, they were crowding around a computer, not social distancing, I'm assuming, wearing masks, but they would have been, but well, that's just the info that we have.
They would have been quarantined in a hotel, as my guests know.
So some of these productions on I don't know the answer to this, but I know that some of the productions on movies are not quite as safe as television. When we did the Go Big Show premiering January 7th at 9:00 p.m. on TBS, we were in a bubble nine p.m. as if people watch shows.
At times we were in a bubble, as if people go births on a nine, get around the couch, they watch. We're hoping they do that. No, they don't. People watch it on their time when they want to watch it.
Well, some of the states that you guys in Hollywood ignore like to watch television, like gentlemen and gentle ladies.
Anyway, if we were in an exact bubble and I know sometimes movies are not in a bubble. I know. I know for a fact. I have friends in are movies that are not in a bubble. So you have to trust that they are they are not. One of my friends is a movie producer doing a very big movie and they're all working. I'm not going to tell you his name. He is not that guy, but he is getting tested every other day and he's and they have to trust that he is not breaking his bubble and he's not breaking his bubble.
He's very strict about it. But some people aren't so strict. So when you go on set and you are making the movie, there are certain rules about social distancing because they can't trust that you've not been in a bubble.
And so and that's why people can't see their kids and and imagine not being able to see your kids first. And I'll tell you this, you did the drive in shows. You know, I know I was very strict. I was.
Why does why does Rogan only talk about you doing drive shows? Oh, no.
I think it's because it's like a male privilege.
And so I'm like, we're out here. Me and Taylor Tomlinson are out here in the freezing cold. You guys are only doing one shows at venues now.
So was just getting Whitney working people to drive joking.
I'm joking. No, they're I think they're all canceled. Canceled. You just I think no one's doing them because it's cold, right? Yeah. No, I'm doing some outdoor ones in Irvine or something. I mean, we're doing the same shit I think.
Yeah. I didn't I never did. Irvine. I did. Yeah I did.
Yeah. So. But I I'm not I'm not you're right, I never understood, like, I've never lost my shit like that on anyone but that.
But I don't I don't know the context of it, but I, I am a big fan of we're going to keep working. I want all you to have jobs.
And apparently no one's listening. And we've been very clear about this a number of times. And I'll say it one more time instead of sending you home and firing you. I'm actually if I'm the guy that fucked up and was crowding around, I I'm cool the public berating and keeping my job.
I just think everyone's doing the best they can with the tools they have.
And, you know, but if you but if you exacerbate a culture of fear, people are going to fuck up more and more and more. And if you start to project that onto everybody, they're just going to be nervous about this.
How about this, though, is as a show runner, someone who runs a show, you're going to get people whose politics don't line up with yours. Correct?
Politics, I hate to say this, but a lot of covid is politics alone. A lot of the way people are behaving is based on the politics. There are people I know who just that guy that's just called will not wear a mask. He's like, it's not real. The Democrats created this. They did it to take down Trump. Yeah. And I'm not going to wear a fucking mask, and that's real. And you will get people, a lot of them, a lot of grip's, a lot of cameramen are just regular, dude.
Oh, the lines are regular, dude. And Tom Cruise is not. He is. He is. He is. I'm sure he probably puts money in the Democratic Party. He believes in comedy, believes in safety.
And so you may I think he just he's in my estimation, I'm in trouble.
But like I think when you're Tom Cruise, you're so addicted to being Tom Cruise and fame. He wants to put a movie out. I mean, all of us were like in this pandemic, like, how do I stay relevant and how do I stay on top of mind to people?
And we're so like, we cannot shut this movie down.
And but I'm also like I relate to Tom Cruise in the sense that the fact that I fucking blue and pink hair like I want to employ people, I'm the fact that I'm able to employ people. It's like it's like being a doctor. Like I dated a pediatric anesthesiologist once and like, he would never come home from work. He would work when, you know, you have the power to do something like and you don't use it, you're going to you know, I'm sick.
So I see that there's good in his heart that he was like, I want to fucking employ you guys, that I want to fucking make this happen. Like, he just wants to cross the finish line.
How soon becoming a pediatric pediatric anesthesiologist, he's like, I want to be an anesthesiologist carrying around all that gear, just half of it.
So I like I like I don't know, man. I like to do is I just like a tiny bit. It's like watching a baby like her eyes close.
I love it, man. I know better feeling hashtag Bill Cosby. I want to put things to sleep, but I want tiny tiny naps.
Yeah. You want to make tiny that happen. I save babies.
Save babies. I appear I'm, I should I fucked that up. What. That relationship.
No no one wants to. Anyone any dude who's into pediatrics. No.
No that's doctor. That's fucking creepy. Usually have parents that are doctors. Yeah, big thing, yeah, big thing, but but that is kind of like, I don't know, I'm not into dude paediatrician's. That's if you want to see dude little boys dicks get on line like everybody else anyway, be an adult and go on the dark web like what the fuck can you grow up.
I had a really good male pediatrician growing up. I actually went to him when I was in high school.
I don't, I don't I didn't have health insurance when I was a kid. I didn't go to a pediatrician. He didn't know.
We went down to the to the to the old lady on the corner. Oh, they did. My mom would give me some Robitussin.
Mochan was this here. Give me and give me a nickel. I control Fenmore with me. Come on put it. Put that nickel in a jar back in your backyard. And I was like oh my God is calling.
By the way, that's a real story that happened to Leighanne. What Michael said. Do you want to be on SNL? Didn't Dunn really don't you think it make it even harder, make it a hard, make it hard. Make it give me give me an offer I can't refuse now and put it on me.
What? OK, I'll do it to you, Whitney, I'm Lorne Michaels. I want you to be on SNL. Will you take it? You are horrible at impressions of Lorne Michaels. This is Lorne Michaels and Lorne Michaels.
And I'm trying to get there. I don't show up and I arrive at an impression. So it takes me a little bit. Hi, Whitney.
Hi. OK, Jimmy Cagney.
It's a. Oh, Whitney. Oh, Whitney. OK, Jeffrey Depressant, well, I'll show you what I'm telling you, Whitney. Like you and I'm telling you, I'll show you what I'm telling you.
This is drivel. All this is actual drivel. No, it's not. You said would you take SNL?
And I said, yeah, make the offer something like make it difficult. So like, all right.
I'm sorry to be in the cast. Not to guest. To host. No, I'm just with not knowing how famous people are.
Like, what? Where are we like? It's so in the pandemic. Who knows. Like I went to Target the other day with Tim Dillon and it was like people were mobbing us. It was. But I was like I blue hair. So of course. And then you go, it's like I'm so confused about how many people know us.
But also Tim looks like he could work at Target. What color was the shirt do the kid.
Tim was legitimately like people were like, oh, that's Tim Dolan, I'll tell you.
But we were in but we were in masks. So I was like, do you know who tuned El-Nasr? Yeah, I loved him. Dylan.
OK, make this make it an offer that becomes more difficult, an offer for me to host SNL.
You know, I would host it in a heartbeat.
I would be on the cast in a heartbeat. Keep going to make it from a real person, make it real job, stop and be in the moment.
Would I stop doing all my podcasts and do SNL make it to be like a recurring character? Oh my God, you look like a fucking player. No, I'm set.
Watch. I will do it to you and I will show you. OK, Whitney, I'm Lorne Michaels. Would you like to be on SNL as a cast member? No, no, you, Whitney. Oh, thank God. I was going to ask how you're still single, and I got it, I got it. I'm not single. First of all, you're not single, mom. You're are you serious? No woman's ever been single.
That's not true. I have a theory that every woman's got something going on all the time. Whitney, would you like to be on SNL as a cast member now today? Yeah, 20, 21 right now. Right now. Today? No, I don't do. And what do you think? I'm going to call my manager.
Why would you do it? Be a cast member to be fun.
Before I know, I'd be like, why are you talking to people like this, like I couldn't handle the. There's a the culture of it, the stress of it, yeah, oh, I would love it, I think would be funny shit. I would see I'm someone who doesn't buy into the I don't like the deadline shit like I do.
I love that I did it for so long. I do it because I think that it makes you more productive and productivity and cooperation makes dopamine and you need deadlines.
But oh, I would produce so much content for those motherfuckers that they would be like, he's trying to be an asshole.
So what are the numbers like for you? Have you on SNL who's who gives a fuck? It's SNL and you get to be a part of that that whole that's a storied franchise of, like the great some of the greatest comics in the world, not the greatest.
I would like to host SNL. Yeah, sure. I'd host it.
Who held it like it's a it's an interesting process. Like I'm confused by Dan Levy from Schitt's Creek is not hosting it.
It's interesting, said Dan Levy from Schitt's Creek, as opposed to Dan Levy, the guy we know.
I know, but they're both your friends of mine. I conflate them all the time and send boob. Pics to Dan and Dan and I send screengrab, I conflate them all. Eugene son is Dan Levy right? Levy OK, Schitt's Creek. And so you said he wants to be a guest?
No, I want him to host it. What I don't understand what I'm just I'm just interested in the way that SNL casts their hosts. Oh, I think it I think look why I mean, Bill Burr's genius.
Yeah. Bill Burr. Chappelle, maybe. Why wouldn't they ask Rhodian?
I don't think I think they probably have a slogan, I guarantee we said no, Rogan is a very interesting business model, that is fuck everyone else. I'm doing my own thing. Yeah, he's I'm slow.
I'm kind of I feel like I'm getting in that seat.
I think that's great for Joe Rogan. That's not great for everyone. Yeah. I think if I did that for a while where I was like, why Jojo Siwa posting SNL?
Because adults watch SNL and I don't think any adults know who she is. I know who she is. She was in the the winter wonderland drive thru. She had her own little I went to Target.
She had like a she was on like a hamper, by the way, when she doesn't bother, when she does put the razzle dazzle all over her face.
Great looking kid.
I have glitter on my eyes right now. Pull up, Jojo. Jojo Ciba. She's a dancer without makeup on. There's something interesting about this because some there was a white woman that got canceled for dancing like an African influenced way.
I saw that, Adele. Nope, that was the cornrows. OK, but. Judges, you know, judges see what had did an unshakable picture recently, and she looked like just like a very regular person.
She goes every second of the day.
That's it. That's it. That's it with that dude. What's that dude's name? That's James.
Charles, the makeup guy. But what is the. What were there was something before that you were asking the white woman who got cancelled for doing a black woman's dance?
I'm just Googling my because I don't trust the Dobbyn. Josh, Josh doesn't give a shit. Lyle, is Lyle still with us? Yeah. White woman every time I Google it because it guesses Whitney Cummings and then I Google myself.
Have you ever Google Trends yourself? Benton does it. Who does the podcast with me? And it's he's always like, oh, you need to take that down. And I'm like, all right, well, just take it down. Whatever.
Um, you know, your biggest Google Trends moment, you know, visit us and your balls.
It was it was it wasn't us. It was you. It was you. When they were trying to scam your naked pictures and by the way, couldn't even see your boobs. There was one leg below the nipple, kind of trust me, I looked a zoomed in, you couldn't see shit, my balls were aggressive, I showed them my balls. So I doubt that you did that.
And, you know you know what's even more hilarious and we just talked about this. You want to tell the story and people know the story, I think. And we just talk about this stuff. Yeah.
When you did, I think when when Christina was going to bed, I put in the hashtag, I stand with Whitney. And it was the same day Whitney Houston had died. Like 10 years earlier and everyone was using the hashtag, I stand with Whitney and it and a lot of black women got that picture of my testicle and thought they were celebrating Whitney Houston horribly and that they were like, not what I wanted to see today, but I and all these black women were like, but I did the research on why he posted that.
And I stayed with Whitney also.
Can I tell you the funniest shit ever, please? So I first of all, I had a little I thought you were going to show your boobs.
There we go. Had a mole removed. So I did have a mole removed here. So it's rad. I have to get it. Just ignore that.
But I was on FaceTime with Andy Letterman and asked him to visit the other day and I was showing them this like mole removal thing. And then Andy Letterman goes, Did you get that bra from the Holocaust Museum?
How great is that joke?
Where did you get that?
Brought the Holocaust Museum. Well, I know how we're going to open our show this week, but brilliant, like I was like, oh, dude, and then I was like, why don't we do? Roasts are only fans, you know, that we're doing pawns on our live show. And that's based off the fact that I wanted you to do a porn with your robot. Remember, I wanted you to shoot a porn and have your robot in the porn tab, like someone like that, sounds like something I blacked out.
Why wouldn't you do it? Yeah, it would be. Yeah, I need to get another body.
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Remember, that's for him, Duncombe. Firepower's, what was the dance? It's very specific, I don't think it's that way, but, um. Something in Nigeria and a specific Nigerian dance. I have Nigerian friends, so I'm Nigerian friends, right? Yeah, Tobei and Goodway, it messes last name up.
He's not my friend but we text on the Instagram. You never listen to Toby GriGri. Toby. No, Bringuier. I'm fucking his last name up, Toby, and you're fucking your career up, no, not no, you're not this you never said you'll pull that up and then are we did we close the loop on the Tom Cruise thing? I think so. Do you feel good about it? I mean, I have a lot of thoughts.
Like I'm not going to be as funny as like Tom and you would be about it. I really do not like when people disrespect working class or servers, waiters, retail like that.
I don't think anyone does. I don't ever want that same page with you. Yeah, I don't play that shit. And when you're a boss, like being a leader is very specific. OK, so this is I don't know, I actually saw this woman do this dance, so play it. Yeah. So this is what Judge Siwa. This girl got killed. For dancing like this. Well, I will say that all the people of color are staring at her behind her, like the fuck is she doing?
She went to Africa and did that. And she's got the braids. She's got a tracksuit on.
It's is I mean, it's honoring. It's not honoring.
I mean, it is honoring, but it's respectful. It's like watching a white guy wrap in a commercial in the 80s. And for a little girl just staring. Look, you can you can just tell by the way, everyone staring at it.
The people there aren't there, like I'd like to know the black man's take on it, which I don't know if we can play like. So I'm not qualified to know. But remember, informer by snow. Yeah. In the summer. A little more than a bit.
But man. Oh man. Yeah I like that was a song.
Can I take these off. Sure. Thanks. I'm so into like going through old songs because when you go the way that our brain works, if you listen to an old song, old memories will come up and you'll remember stories that you forgot.
So I haven't even thought so I started I know I'm not allowed to play music, but I've started listening to like old this is my playlist of music from the 90s and 80s, and I'll listen to it and sit there and just take notes and remember things that might be the most brilliant thing I've ever heard you say in your life.
That is fucking genius, because there are albums I that like I bought and I go, yeah, what song did I like on this?
I know I had this I want to like and then I hear the fucking song and I go and I do that a lot with songs I already know that are in my playlist. And I go, oh I remember.
Like if I listen to Boz Scaggs, Georgia, I remember being on a Skags Boz Scaggs hooked up with the Sun.
Are you sure? What's his son's name? I mean, I'm sure it's online somewhere. Google it.
I'm curious what this guy named Bozman Boston, Austin Scaggs. What a good idea. This guy is a fucking looker.
I was twenty one. I think Boz Scaggs lives in my neighborhood. Really? No, that's not Austins. By the way, did you sexually assault this minor Jesus Christ in Skags?
Looks like a Disney cartoon star.
Hits me in the night. All right, pull up. That's real quick. I want you to watch. We can't show it, but I want you to watch Treston jazzes video.
I don't know what that what you just said. You don't do that all the time, do you, because that's I'm dealing with right now. I go, yeah, I know. I'm going to tell you what it is. I'm going to tell you what it is I fucking we're going to watch and who Tom and I play basketball with. So I want you to watch Tom's speech impediment to do so do I don't trust. So do I. Yeah.
I don't see yours. Jillian. Jillian. Oh, I go Jillian.
So it's so funny that an invention as well, all the people with speech talk for a living. No one knew I had a speech impediment because I do stand up and we practice and yeah, practice practice and acting and then podcast. Now people are like, are you drunk? And I'm like, no, this is how I talk.
That's what I sound like when I talk. Yeah. So so Tristan Jass is look, this is us here so you can listen to it. We can't play it. Well, you can listen to it and you can see Tom's basketball skills.
And I want you to comment on this when I don't want to see him hurt himself. No, this is not him hurting is their video. That hurts. Oh, we're playing it on New Year's Eve.
It is our big reveal and we have lots of plans on what to do with it.
This is us getting Kobe tested. This is Tristan. Yes. He's a legit great basketball player. OK, and then this is me head. Looks like I want you to take a look at my shot and just take a look at my shot and tell me what I look like. Good. You. All right. Time for the three look at Tom, do you think? I didn't see his follow through, and I didn't I can't really look at this, just take a look at this beautiful.
Yeah, from the. Yeah, that's good. That's actually good actually. Yeah. It's actually it looks pretty. Right. It's good. Yeah. Look at Treston is legit. OK. Yeah. Yeah.
OK, I can't stop giggling. Where is this. This is at a private court that it will never be open to the public after Tom deputy did to himself.
Yeah. It's like OK who's the man. But let's assume that's me. That's me. That's me. That's you.
Yeah. That just got the rebound. That's you. Yeah. Oh yeah.
I looked by the way, this a sumo wrestler. Seventeen pounds heavier you bump.
OK, we're not bad. We had a fuckin. Why do you look like such pussies. Why does white men playing basketball. Look, look, this is the first time by the way. So like I hope they play Tom landing on his knees.
I think that's the beginning of the injury.
Look at this. Yeah, you guys are pumping not bad, right? That's Tom's biggest concern, is that people think he's bad because when I doubled up and I crossed him over Supervisorial, I did.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, you're good. But go back. Can you show me one shot where it just as beautiful scroll and I'll tell you where you see it. Scroll and scroll and then you'll see me play their play their play there. Let's see. I have a look at that. That's a fat man going. Oh that. OK, that's by the way that's the first injury he had.
That's the first injury to know this. All this stuff added up to his injury. So he and one time he lands on his knee. And it's always I don't want to say no, no, no, no, no, it's not bad. I just want to see my one good shot. Can you find my one good shot under the basketball?
You'll see me take my shirt off and talk shit to the camera at some point. Nothing that all. Nothing. Nope. Your sure it stays on for Boquete.
Edited it out. God damn it. All right, I'll send it to you guys. All right.
We should wrap this up. What. Who are you texting now, Kesha.
Max, it's not Kesha. Oh, let me see if she talks about. What can you say? No, she's working. I thought she was not allowed to work because of Dr. Luke. Uh. I texted Reese Witherspoon, do you know Burt Krischer, should you say, do you know any more info?
That's that's called throwing your friend under the bus. Do you know Burt Krischer? No, she doesn't know me. I looked over her shoulder when she was writing in her journal.
Now, who gives a fuck and whether she knows me now she's not buying tickets to my show because my fan base, she's like a huge producer.
Yeah, I'm not doing movies. I do my own movies. Wait, hold on, wait, hold on. You can't text Reese Witherspoon. Do you know progressor? Because that makes it look like I was like I'm pretty good friends with her. And then she's like, who the fuck is this asshole? You just do not text any of your celebrity female friends ever again on my behalf. OK. I'm going to need a one on one of my movies one time, and they're going be like, sorry, wouldn't be kind of cockblock that for me.
Sorry I'm working now. You just watch. Sorry I'm working to her. Just be like he doesn't know you either way. Don't say that.
I mean, it is so funny that Reese Witherspoon has never heard of. You know, it's not.
There's a lot of people that haven't heard of me, Whitney. There's a lot of weird how that happened.
Now it's like you're either Jerry Seinfeld doesn't know who I am. Someone either has never heard of us or they know what we had for breakfast.
There's no in between anymore. Yeah. When someone recognizes me, when someone comes up to me, Whitney, I love you. I'm like, what do you know me from? I'm so I just I'm I'm so curious how you know me, because it's always already inviting way more conversation than I want.
I just go, oh, thanks.
No, I'm just I'm dying to know how you know me. Like, I'm so I'm so confused because people will be like, you know, it's the same thing of when you do ten shows in Houston and someone's like you, you run into some of the airport and they're like, what are you doing here? And you're like, how did you not know you recognize me yet? You didn't know. I just did ten shows.
Yeah. Yeah. I think there's I think there's a passer by like I know who Reese Witherspoon is. If you said name like five of the movies, I'd have a rough time.
But I just I mean, I know she is, but I'm not like off the line.
Don't know what that movie Legally Blonde. OK, Legally Blonde.
I should have Pretty Little Liars, Mississipi.
Something in Mississippi, something down and out in Mississippi.
No sweet home Alabama home Alabama. I mean, she's truly it's like Jennifer Aniston. Sandra Bullock. Reese Witherspoon. Yeah, not to be disrespectful, but that doesn't fly on my radar in what I'm into, so I don't I don't like I mean, when there are movies, I'm like, oh, that's a good movie. But I'm not like I couldn't tell you if they're producing.
Witherspoon has a house. There are very few these to follow on Instagram. Our daughter looks like her, James.
I know who she is. It's like being like, yeah, it's the fact that she doesn't know me does not surprise me at all. There's a lot of people who don't know who I am, and I'm kind of cool with that.
I think I'd rather fly on my radar for chilling at the perfect level of fame or we could, like, go out and live our lives. And I like people will come at me at the airport and stuff like, I mean, cameras and stuff. But because we're comics, we can fly.
I don't have time to be at the airports at all. Never.
It's like, you know what? You know what? I'm Bill Murray once said on Howard Stern. He said she said something about fame and he said, someone told me, try getting rich and see if you still want to be famous. Oh, interesting. Can your brain process that? No, I don't. I have no frame of reference between the separating rich and famous.
Like for me, I've been money to not rich. I was what I was on TV. I didn't have any money when you were on Jim Jeffords. That's an amazing bet about this.
Well, yeah, well, that because I was paying for all both my parents had strokes and they didn't have health insurance, so I was paying ICU bills like sixty thousand dollar ICU bills.
I make like six thousand dollars make me angry, like without health insurance, if you have a stroke and you go to the ICU.
No, I know it's a racket.
I just had a big overweight friend go to ICU and go to E.R. and I had to spend the day with him and it was rough.
I went broke on my parents not having had health care their whole lives once I started making money.
So when did you make money? When did the money show up residuals? Yeah, a little bit. And then by twenty seven. Twenty. Yeah, I and I also I didn't know how many worked. I also thought the amount of money you got was the amount of money you kept.
Oh you one of the. I have one of those so I, I'm rich and then the next year I couldn't afford my taxes.
Yeah. And I had a house and then I started like I had to do eighty colleges.
I wrote, I had to write a check the month before George was born, I'd write a check that was more than I had in my bank account.
And I called my dad and I said, overdraft fees set up your nose for taxes.
Oh, I'd write a check for taxes that I didn't have. And I called my dad and I was like, I'm broke. And he laughed and he went, Now you're a man.
I really goes, now you got Al. Al? Yeah. Love it. What's your ancestry?
German. Irish, mostly, uh, mostly German. I think so. Yeah. Yeah, I really it's crazy because when I went to when I went to Germany for the first time, I actually felt it. Yeah, always. What's your ancestry?
My ancestry is super weird and complicated.
It's got to be some Native American, right? Yes. How did you know that? Because everyone in the everyone in Appalachia has Native American and because they somehow somehow had the Ravens.
Yeah, is this is this might be a highlight for the amount of times we've had rape on the show. Oh, sorry.
There's a great book called Born Fighting about the Scotch, Irish Ancestry.
What was the outlying Scotch Irish? Oh, that's what Liane is. Scotch, Irish, Native American old fuck with us. Oh, don't fuck with us. We don't play. If we're if we're on your team, you're going to win. And if you're not on our team. It's a problem, it's has a problem with Hatfield and McCoy, one on one, why? But why that? So that is so listen to me. And do you pick and you look at me, I mean, look at me, look, my zippers unzipped, but we're Ferrell fucking animals, though, and this is what annoys me about the meta thing and this portrayal that all women are so fragile and weak and, like, can't handle it.
And it's just like it's not like that in Appalachia.
Women are nooria bitches. Leon, listen, can you not open things while I'm speaking?
No. Yes. I can also not erupt. Not right now, LeAnn. When when the whole me thing, LeAnn is almost certainly has to me to thing.
I think LeAnn has talked about this on her podcast. I will just say I'm not going to say it's not my words. I'm trying not to speak for other people these days and share their story because I feel like it's important for other people's voices to be heard. So I want them to say it.
Does that make sense? It does.
But I don't want to speak about can you say the funnier way next time?
Yeah, I try not to speak for the people. Know. But it's just this this. Did you see cheer on Netflix. Right. You should homework. Let me guess, Reese Witherspoon produced a she would be great as the as Monica Aldama, Monica Aldama from Chir Hatami podcast. She's the coach of the best cheerleading team in the world, Novarro in Texas. And they are beasts.
This is a documentary, a docu series. It's fucking incredible.
Cheerleading is like M.A for girls. All right. Like our boxing for like cheerleading, yeah, it's no, but it's these these are their athletes. They're flying through the air.
Let's put a pin in athlete, but are like, OK, go. Can you please go?
By the way, this is this is the misogynistic character I do to my daughters will cheer Google cheer one of the ten men in here.
Pretty certain I could bang up a pretty amazing cheerleading routine that would get me on the team or on the squad.
I don't know if I'm living in this character or this character is who I am, I do this to my daughters all the time, you know, and I and I can't tell if it's, you know, it's facetious. I can't tell because video. Why are you Googling images? What in what world?
You want me to play something off Netflix? Yeah, no, just a YouTube. Just play the trailer. OK, off of YouTube. This again, wow, you guys love. Three. So what they're doing. Is couldn't do any of this to do any of their fucking beast span. I could do that.
I could get my arm up and like the amount of trust that has, it kind of reminds me of us as comics because you have this team, we all depend on each other. And if there's one weak link, we're all fucked, you know. Yeah. And. He's amazing. Look at these these are this is like the Comedy Store to me. We all work together and if one person is like having an off day, someone gets a concussion.
The amount of trust that you have to build, I am so fucking pro cheerleading. It's ridiculous. I could wave like that.
I think I could be a cheerleader. I can wait. You're going to be the one that walks by and waves. You can't your you have Comodo arms.
I don't know if I could throw up women like that. No, it's it's it's incredibly precise. And they also it's very it's tantamount to stand up in a way that they prepare for an entire year to do a three minute performance.
I love it and love that energy in Florida. Daytona, you've got to watch this. I love that. And they prepare all year, four, three minutes.
And if one person fucks up and misses by a fucking iota, it's over.
It's like a stand up special. That is that's when we get to do it six times. And you got one shot. It's live. The pressure is unbelievable. And how about this when they perform? Monica talked about it on the podcast. When you perform, they practice at practice. They practice it in every way in the sunlight because you never know. You don't know what time you going to go on. So in sunlight, out of sunlight, when it's raining, when it's not raining, when it's hot, when it's cold, when you have to pee like they do it.
Every iteration of the routine of you being uncomfortable, hungry, tired, stressed out, wind blowing like put like fans up to blow wind so that they are used to every possible circumstance. And then you get there and it's a different floor is different.
Oh, shut the fuck up. So like so it's like you're used to it in one bag. I mean, it's like you hit, you jump too hard and you fucking break your ankle and then the person that's flying through the air breaks their neck.
I had not to not to parallel this. I remember the first time I did stand up, I was with my manager because it was not for ten minutes and it was the first to stand up on television. And I was backstage. It was a wet show, premium blend comedy.
So that was your first appearance, first appearance on television? Well, and we were at UCLA and it was thirteen hundred people.
And the guy said, Do you want quarter love or quarter the cord cord Mike cordless Mike or Liow and Barry Cascos love. And I went hold on, I've never done stand up with love. And he goes, it's the best, trust me. And I go, I don't I've only held a mike. I don't know what if I know what to do with my hands. And he goes, he'll figure it out. I was like, I don't want to figure out on television.
And so I took Mike and then I watched everyone with lobs and they looked so much more like, yeah, it was like, well, but it also looked like a presentation where I felt like, stand up.
I love a mike. I love when I. You did.
You did a headset right on the last one. Huh? What did you do it? You did a headset. What do you you know what I do for a living? Shut up. I watch all your specials. You know that.
No, but you're making me think my first Tonight Show was worth a lot. The same thing happened. And I was like, I don't have my hands. You know, sometimes people use the money. You know, sometimes the mic is a part of a thing.
And I have it's so funny. I was talking about good teams. I did all my shows and I had to have to have a chord because I have a joke that needs a court and hockey.
No tornado. No, no, it's a dick.
It's a perfect way to end this house. Am I going to fuck the stool? It's a big dick.
It's got to drop to there also. It's like a one that trains. Oh, I used it as the mic cord as on my own one of my specials as a high watermark.
I went, oh no, I love when you see someone that does it.
You're a way that you didn't have Carrot Top folks when you never even in his life.
I will tell you this right now, I will never walk away from anyone's good idea. If it works for you, I would it in character.
I feel like we all owe an apology to. I think it's fucking amazing. I saw him live one time. I was like, this is a great show. The man's an animal. He is. He's a fucking animal. He could fuck me up nine ways from Sunday. Things are on fire.
I bet he could be like, we can do fucking an inch of what he does. No, he's. Why do we make fun of him so much? I think it's just it's in rote. I think we all respect Norm. Norm, just try to use a big word. Rote.
Yeah. Is that it's like an everyday word. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what it's rote so it's like, it's just a habit. Yeah.
It's like yeah I think it's a habit. I think Norm did it and we all respect Norman. We love Norm. And it was so funny when Norm did it was like oh no.
To beat up on him. He was just like a became like a punching bag. Yeah.
And then I think I bet he got pissed off. I'd be curious. I wrote on the Bob Saget roast he was on and the jokes were so brutal about like his face. And I watched it. I was like twenty five and I was writing and I watch those jokes that was like. Jeff Ross was like your plastic surgeon half right there was like, I give up. I mean, the jokes were really just for the record, this also Jeff Ross references joke about his hair cut.
Yeah, it was Jeff, for all the jokes I wrote about Bucket so brutal.
I don't think he it's like when you do the Roseanne, you show up and you think they're going to make fun of one thing and then they come for your actual insecurity.
That's why I won't do a roast. I think we should do I think we should do a roast for only fans.
All only fans of Rogan. Yeah, I'm not roasting Rogan.
No, but it's but it's not it's like or you or Tom or me or something like it's the we should do a roast on Tom to raise money for his medical bills.
He's I think he's fine.
Was one hundred and six dollars. That's what it costs, 106 bucks. We're going to see he's got a good chance. He's got no insurance. It was like 100 bucks. It was deductible. I think I came and gave me the bill and I was like, maybe I'll pay for the surgery and be like, just, you know, have your own surgeries. Yeah, he's got to reconstructive on his leg because right now it's been in the opposite way.
They put it in backwards. That's that I know would be hilarious if he could kick himself in the deck, though, the guy.
All right, let's wrap this episode up, Whitney. Thank you so much for doing this episode with me.
I appreciate anything. Sarah Silverman. I just I like Sarah Silverman and I just love. Yeah, and she got it out. I was watching on it on a Instagram live with her and with Lizz Winstead that they didn't pick up her show on HBO. But she's got to do a special and she hasn't written a special yet. And I was like, oh fuck, I've never been in that. I've always only gotten a special when I had a special locked and loaded.
Interesting. Have you ever had one? That's what I that's why we talked about Sarah, because I was like, have you ever had a special where they were like they gave you an offer and you're like, oh, let me write one real quick. And then she said that for women, she actually said they didn't know everyone underestimates me always. Oh yeah, I have to prove myself over and over and over and over again. I even like for Netflix.
I'm like, I'll do a special on March. And they're like, we to say it like, OK, yeah.
Oh, they had to see mine. Yeah. But like I never get the benefit of the doubt I think.
But Sarasohn in this interview she goes, I'm not really known for specials. And I was like, actually Jesus is magic, Jesus magic. One of the best special couple was one of the best specials I've ever seen in my head.
I was like I got a TV show was fucking great. The Sarah Silverman Show.
So unfortunate that blackface picture because it some so many people just grab that and it's such a it's such a really aggressive apologize.
I don't remember. I'm sure she does. She's been someone that's really embraced world culture, which also kind of kind of like opened her up to critics because they were like, once you embrace what culture, then they pull out anything bad you did. And I was like, well, now explain this. And then you're like, well, listen, now you're on trial. Yeah.
And it's kind of I feel like she got a raw deal because I love Sarah. Yeah, she's but she's just got the she's someone that doesn't know who I am, by the way. Sarah Silverman. Yes, she does. Gary Oldman. Nice to me when I was a fucking. When no one else was and then a company got successful anyway, the No Sarah Silverman, if I see her, I have to reintroduce myself. I always thought every time she would assume everyone's high all the time.
Brian Hussein would recognize me, Brian, Zach Galifianakis.
I ran into and he introduced himself to Zach Galifianakis, Stevens Memorial was made me cry so fucking hard.
Yeah. Yeah, so my point is, I'm not shocked Reese Witherspoon doesn't know who I am. By the way, Reese, get to know your comics. Oh.
Who's that, Reese Witherspoon. Is that a picture of you? Never heard of him, I'm certain she never heard this, but just wrote never heard of them.
You are going to end up blackballing me with all female comedians.
I'm actually introducing you to the person that runs Hollywood. Can I can I can I can you please give me your phone and I'll text Reese what I want you to say. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me see. You know, before you send it, I want to see what you're going to say. I don't like this manic energy. What's what are you going to send?
You're going to say, well, I'm sending you this screengrab to put four in four post.
No, how about reply? OK, here's a hilarious comedian.
I'm going to say don't don't. No racist. No, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Everyone, there's a great song, by the way. It's a great overrated. Oh, I almost took that as a compliment. I was like, yeah, thank you.
Over. Oh, look, I love her. I love her. Yeah.
We're going to color Ķiģelis hair. You're going to give them the Gibson. I'm going to give you the gift that I brought you. Perfect.
Whitney, thank you for doing this. How did this go, touch-And-Go?
I think people are going to love this episode, going to be like, I've never seen Bert like this Jesus birth finally fucking listening, but it's I don't like I'm not that funny, you know, episodes over.
Thank you so much, Bert and Tom. Tom. No one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in Bert Snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's why. Because there's a. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humour, no apologies. Here's what I recall. So there's one case.