Hey, everyone, I'm so happy to have Beth Bears' join me today on the podcast. I can't believe it's taken this long.
I first met Beth when she would come singing down the halls on the Warner Brothers lot where she was shooting her sitcom, Two Broke Girls.
Now, Beth is on CBS's The Neighborhood. She's married and has her own podcast called Harmonics with Beth Bears. It's all about music, creativity and wellness, probably what we all need right now. Later in the episode, I'm joined again by social psychologist, marriage and relationship expert Eli Finkel, who has some qualified insight to offer our listeners. Lastly, I want to thank all of you again for your kind reviews and comments. Get in touch with us and tell us your story by finding the link on unqualified dotcom.
I really, really love hearing from you. And now here she is. Beth fare's.
Ladies and gentlemen, you are listening to Unqualified with their host ionospheric. I miss you. I look at your face. It's been so long. I know.
Oh, my God, is that a photo or painting behind you? It's a photo from the set of two broke girls that I asked them if I could have after it. The photographer signed up for me.
Oh, it's beautiful.
It's so nice. We just moved. So we're like still doing the house. But this is like my podcasts back.
I love it. We moved, I think, like three years ago and we're still unpacking. Yeah, it's funny. I was thinking about you in the podcast and normally I'll have all kinds of things because I usually don't know a person very well.
But I miss you, though, and I want to talk to you about how like your journey during this time. Have you found out things about yourself that have come as a surprise? Yes.
So we like the neighborhood went down, all the schools were out. We were still filming. I think we were like the last show that was still on a set, like right at quarantine lockdown. But it's really weird. Like the network run through everybody. It was like it's hard to laugh. Like we were all scared. And then we thought we were coming back to work to film our last episode, Monday, Tuesday. And then they called us Saturday night and were like, this is full lockdown.
But I am notoriously suffer from anxiety and panic. I think you and I have talked about this over the years and a hypochondriac. But so the biggest covid was like my worst nightmare. But I will say so much good came out of it. This traditional stuff of like meditation and my horse were amazing, but I noticed I was still more anxious than I've ever been. And that's when I really found, like playing the banjo and music to sort of be what took me out of my head and into my body.
And then, you know, that's where harmonics this new podcast's endeavour sort of came to be. And now that's kind of been my, like, pandemic growth. And I get to ask all these people, like, how do you deal with anxiety and panic and can you help me through this through the intersection of, like, creativity and wellness? So it's been cool. I mean, it's been terrifying as a country and a society and scary. But don't you feel like you've come back to, like, what's most important, like family in the earth?
And. Yeah, yeah, I do.
I think that it's definitely framed some priorities in a very comforting way for me. Yeah. Which I really love. But I want to give you a compliment. I'm so in awe of how you can identify in agitation within yourself and then figure out a solution for it.
Girl, it's years of therapy. Oh my God.
I mean, it's years of like self-help obsessed reading, spiritual reading. Like if I told you how many deep dives I've done, I'm like brain and training your neurotransmitters to, like, rewire different pathways to like combat your anxiety and anxiety for me has been like a lifelong struggle. So I've read and done everything.
Well, then working on Two Broke Girls, the sitcom world is incredible, as you know, for so many reasons. But it is like pace and stress, intense. I feel like you and I said no as Cat and I did that like it's also when a show is a two hander, like what we had, like, you're never not in a scene and, you know, tubercles. I'm so glad I had that. That was my first experience with, like, professional Hollywood because I had basically come out of college from theater school and that was amazing.
But it was also like overnight the most pressure and a very high pressure environment. And, you know, the anxiety, the panic. That's when I found transcendental meditation and horses after my body had just like completely broken down. I got like this greyscale skin virus all over. And in the waitress uniform, I had to have, like, hair and makeup covered up. But I went to all these doctors, they couldn't figure out what it was.
And then they were like, it's just you're under so much stress and didn't get a period. And I was like, but I kind of think of it as a gift now because it taught me all the wellness things that now I use as tools to help me get through. No, I think it's remarkable and I envy it. Maybe we could talk later. And I'll tell you, you could give me some assignments. I'll give you some. I love your puzzle.
That's very good for your mental health. And I'm so proud. Do you think so? I do. I actually genuinely do. It's very good because you're in your body kind of because you're moving pieces, spatial awareness. You're not so up in your head. I love it. And then we'll get you on like a yoga netra and some horse therapy and you'll be great. I want some horses. OK, I love this. I feel like you would love horse therapy.
I feel like you'd be super down for that.
I can't ride very well but there's a human horse connection that feels inexplicable and honestly it's not even about riding like every therapeutic thing I've found has been just on the ground, just like you said, interacting with them because they're so in tune, their prey animals. So like they can sense if a predator is a mile away and grass, they're so in tune with what you're feeling you have. To show up authentically, you can't pretend around them. So it's really empowering, too, because you realize they respond to you just fully being in the moment and present and yourself.
And I think that's where the therapeutic element comes in.
Yeah. So, Beth, so you guys just moved chess, moved and stressed of that stuff. Are you OK with, like, packing stuff? We just moved. It feels like we just moved, but really in like mid-July basically. So it's like not just moved, but as you said, we're still sort of adjusting, but we love it. I mean, it's it was like a long time coming and we're still sort of like getting furniture and things together.
But it's just kind of nice to have a change of scenery, honestly, from quarantine in the other house.
So we were like, oh, new environment. Totally. And have you found in Los Angeles? Because I don't know if I have or if I will, my home neighborhood. I've lived here for like over 20 years and I still like I don't know what it is. You know, I moved so much growing up that, like a movings just seems part of my life. And I went to UCLA. So I've been in L.A. now, God, since I was 18 and I'm about to be thirty five.
So it feels like home. But I'm with you. I wouldn't say I found like a neighborhood. I feel like for me my goal is to live in upstate New York on a rescue animal farm someday because I grew up in rural Virginia. So I grew up like with woods and horses around in neighbors, you know. So I don't know if L.A. will ever truly feel like home, but it's the longest I've lived somewhere.
I know. I feel the same way. If you could live someplace for a year anywhere in the world, where would it be? Well, it's a tie because if it was for a year only, I've been dying to see like sort of rural Scotland, Ireland, like, I'd love to live on like it's like a little stone cottage and make like herbal teas and have, like, horses overlooking cliffs of oceans and like Ireland and Scottish Highlands, like that area.
But upstate New York is like ultimate ten year old dream. Beth, do you miss the weather change in L.A.?
I miss it so much. I didn't used to because you're not, say, like southern France or something like Mexico. I know now I do, actually, especially with climate change. It feels like it's getting so hot. And the wildfires here, like, I want to be somewhere where, like, I don't know, you remember, but sledding, like growing up doing that, I want my kids someday to have, like, that experience.
You know, I just want a great excuse to, like, eat chicken pot pie at and watch, like, terrible movie Lifetime.
Yeah, totally. I still feel the pressure with these sunny days here because I grew up north of Seattle, I still feel the pressure of like, shit. I got to go do something, be active.
I know you got to, like, go on a hike even if it's like eighty two, because technically that's cool now.
And I like I feel you, you know, go back up to Washington probably like in a few years. Washington's gorgeous, it's beautiful and it'll rain every day and I'll be like fuck this noise. Right. By the way, probably if I move to the East Coast and like January through March where it's like the worst part of winter, not like the fun holidays part of winter, I'd be like, get me back to L.A. during the winter. So I have some different life questions.
Is that OK if I ask you a whole series of questions? Oh, yes.
OK, what was your living arrangement like when you first lived on your own? I shared a one bedroom apartment with my best friend from college and I was still sharing that one bedroom apartment during season one of two broke girls. You were? Yeah, it was like right by UCLA because that's where we graduated from. And I was always scared whenever she was like home with her family in a way. And so I would like do pots and pans by the door of my like our bedroom to like if someone ever broke in that they would like hit the pots and pans because we couldn't afford a ring or alarm anything.
And like, yeah, it was rum and mac and cheese. And then I got you girls. But I still kept my nanny job because I was like, well, I don't know if the pilot's going to go. And we were still living in a one bedroom. And then season two, we upgraded to it two bedrooms.
Are you guys still really close?
She's still one of my best friends was in my wedding and yeah, my college girlfriend's from UCLA, are still my best friends. And I'm still lucky because they're all still in L.A., which is amazing.
Beth, I think that's a really remarkable thing about you. When I first met you, I think it was like in the hallways probably at Warner Brothers. And I constantly had this insecurity around women about like I feel like I missed out on, like, an easy ability to connect.
You're not at me with, like, sympathy, but I feel like Hollywood does that. I'm good. OK, it's really hard. And I mean, I have incredible friends like you or Cat or people that I've met through Hollywood that have become really close friends. But I think that, yeah, there's not a lot of women. We were so lucky to have you guys as our neighbors and me and cat with you because I felt like we were all super genuine.
And girls, girls and one. Hang out with each other and love each other and support each other, you know? Oh, I've just seen you guys in the hallways for a brief second while somebody is, like, hustling us off like two, I know whatever to do something. But, you know, it was such a relief how open and honest you guys were about the challenges in the joys, I think, of making multicam. I had never done it before.
I think you guys were like on season three, maybe season four, on our season one or something. And you guys were just still like, yup, it's crazy. It's scary, don't worry. But it's crazy and it's scary and it still feels like this.
And for some reason I found that so reassuring, by the way, like there was never a time when they said action in the first scene in front of that live audience. The cat and I were terrified and completely.
I just think it was because, like, when it's all on your shoulders, it's a lot of work. And you have like us and mom, you know, when you have a hit show, you have this like responsibility. And so it never got easier. But I feel like it was fun to be able to, like, tell you and and like about all the trials and tribulations and have each other to all be like, oh, my God, I didn't get my period again.
I'm so stressed out. And especially like because I don't think that if we had had a different show that maybe had two male leads or something, I don't think they would have been that generous, you know, to be like we're here. You know, anything you guys need to come to our dressing room to cry. Any time the guys would be like Ashton Kutcher. Jon Cryer was like, no, we're good. We're cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know if you did this, but if I messed up a line, I couldn't laugh it off.
No, I see how some people can just be like, whoa, oh my gosh, I messed up again and the audience loves it. I would get into like a psychological spiral where it felt like the line was glew, like every part of my body would tense up and I could not think clearly at all. It was very anxiety making on to both girls. I'll never forget the pilot episode, my first job in front of the live audience, the opening monologue that I'd done all week, they changed like ten seconds before they had actually the whole monologue and, you know, on multichannels, I don't know if people know, but your lines changed a lot.
So Kat and I and I'm sure you and Allison would get like a whole different scene sometimes to do. And you're live and you've never said it, which I think for comedy is fun when you hear a new joke and you've never said it out loud and there's a live audience and it lands and it's great. But then there were also times like where you get a whole new monologue or a whole new scene. I think for her and I, it was like we had each other.
We could just look into each other's eyes. And when we messed up, we had each other's back. Right. Which was really helpful. But I am a perfectionist like you. I hate it messing up dialogue. But I think the audience heightens the pressure, too. I really do, because like, we're shooting now without a live audience on the neighborhood and I'm like, yeah, what's that line? Oh, cool. Booty, booty. Like, we're just having so much fun.
It just feels like there's so much less pressure. But I don't know. I felt the opposite actually. I felt really. Yeah. I felt during our pre shoot days. Wow.
The pressure felt on and they were far away so you couldn't hear their laughter as well. Oh yeah. So even the pacing is off. So the audience, it felt like at least four gave me know they love it.
They're there to watch you messed up. Yeah. That's so funny because I loved pre shoot days. I was like halleluja like OK, the pressure. That's so interesting. I wonder what Cat or Alison would say. I don't know either. Each day making that show presented its own very unique stress.
Yes. Table read. I knew that I was supposed to be stressed because everyone around me was frantic.
No, it doesn't have to be like that. I'm on a show now where everybody is so chill. Oh, wow. I know, but I think it's just sort of the cosmic energy. Everybody's just grateful to be there and like believes in sort of the message of the show in a real way. And not that that wasn't on tubercles, but I think it's also when it's a two hander like that, like we have seven series regulars, you know, and like I don't know, it's so interesting.
But back a little bit, if you don't mind, to the pandemic. I've been thinking about this and I haven't really asked anybody in my life about it. Aren't you confused about how nervous we should be, about how I feel? I am terrified, but it seems like everybody in my life is scared to a very different degree. That's so true. I will say that I think what the underlying fear is, is a fear of the unknown, because there's so much unknown and it's like a world unknown because scientists are still learning.
What I've learned from all my years of self-help reading is that we have to become comfortable with not knowing and just stay in the present moment. And it's so hard during this pandemic. And that's why I think people's mental health is at a heightened state, because we're literally being forced to face what I think is the darkest humanity thing, which is we don't know what. Tomorrow brings so whatever that is for you, I find it in nature horses that sort of connects you to something bigger when everybody's freaking out or I start to freak out and look like I was scared those first few weeks on set like to be around a lot of people.
And, you know, it's very safe, like CBS has made it super safe and we're only allowed to take the masks off when we say rolling. So I'll run through as everything is fully masked, we have face shields. But for me, it's like, OK, how can I come back to the present moment, be grateful for doing this beautiful show that I love with people I love and just know that I have no control. But that's freeing in a way the unknown is freeing as opposed to like a prison.
I'm renaming the podcast to Beth, helps on a bed, decides to quit acting and become an equine therapist. And odiferous is our first attempt at healing.
Yes, that's like climbing K2 on your first attempt to mountain climbing. Oh, I like the challenge. I actually don't think so. You have the purest, sweetest heart. I think you'd be easy peasy things that.
OK, will you tell us how you met your husband and the love story there? Yeah. So it's a good story. I met him three years before we started dating. It was my last year I think at UCLA. I had a friend from UCLA who was a costume P.A. on the first season of Mad Men and I went to a Mad Men party. They hadn't aired yet. So Jon Hamm was like, Hi, I'm Jon Hamm and Elisabeth Moss.
Like like it was like I was meeting all these people that then ended up phenomenon. And I met him at this party and didn't really think anything of it actually connected with his sister really deeply. His sister happened to be in town and her and I like hit it off. And she actually officiated at our wedding, which is like perfect. But then he would go to the costume department abandoned for like three years and say to my friend, her name was Tigger, real name, and she's awesome.
He would say to Tiger, like, how is that friend of yours best? How's that girl, Beth? And it was like kind of a joke, but he is kind of like had a crush. And then three years after that party, when I was in my early twenties, we all say Mad Men group, I had become friends with sort of some of the peers and people in Mad Men. And he was at this hangout one night and we connected over music, our love of like old country music.
And I went over to his house thinking we were starting a band and come over and like, jam and let's like sing through some stuff. And I was like, cool. And then when I left, we ended up kissing and I was like, I was weird. And he, of course, was like, I didn't think we were starting, but I wanted you to come over so we could hook up. I was a nanny at the time living in that one bedroom so he could never sleepover with me.
I always had to go to his house and then cut to it's been ten and a half years and we've been married since twenty eighteen, so we waited a long time.
It's amazing, though. I'm very lucky.
He's the greatest ever. The best. And how was your wedding. The best. It was beautiful. I still think about the day. It's just like full of horses in Wyoming while I was in Idaho technically. But right outside of Jackson Hole, which is sort of our special place, there was like a herd of buffalo that crossed in the park in the morning on the wedding day. And like, it was amazing and beautiful. And I think about it all the time.
It's one of those things where you're like, I was never a girl who cared about weddings. We both were like, we're going to be like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, like we're never going to get married. And then all my friends started getting married. I think you and I talk about this, too, like I wasn't engaged, but I remember having some sort of conversation with you about it. I was like, I don't know if we're going to get married.
And now it's the greatest thing ever. I'm glad I got married. I am so with you. I mean, I have done it now twice.
Yeah, girl, I'm going to do it again. Yes, you are. I mean, they say third time's a charm. I like to think of it less as like reflections on personal failure and more as a reflection on a degree of optimism.
Yes, everything is a gift. Each relationship got you to this one. That's so true. So there you have it. And your baby, he's not a baby anymore, but your son, you wouldn't have him without it.
And truthfully, there were some fucking awesome times all along the way. Exactly. Always.
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Give light tread lighter Albats. OK, what is your favorite curse word, bath balls, balls, all right. Is that a curse word? I mean, balls, I say it a lot.
Yeah. OK, do you remember your first love? My husband was my first love. That's amazing. Do you remember your first crush? Was there a little boy in third grade that you loved?
No, it was Jonathan Taylor Thomas. I loved him so much growing up. And he was on home improvement and he was my first crush. I met him years later, like at a bar in L.A. and I was still like Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
I had that with Leonardo DiCaprio and Growing Pains. Oh, yes. And then Titanic. I mean, that was my sixth grade birthday party was Titanic and that it was all about Leo from that point. I know that was when I realized that he was unobtainable. My mom was very dismissive of any fandom.
Oh, I like that. Yeah. So I was never over. I never had any posters on my wall. I didn't like it at the time because she didn't let me like read women's magazine.
OK, got it. Oh wow.
Like Greece and Pretty Woman are her to like least favorite movies. I understand the pretty one on one. I'm going to have to go back and watch Greece. She hated it that Sandy changed for the man. Yeah, well, your mom was that. I actually love that. I do, too. Now. Now. Yeah, of course.
At the time it felt like my mom is dooming me to be forever unpopular.
Yeah. You know, like anyway.
Oh, I mean, I could see how that would be. Yeah. Like I can't do the cool thing. I mean my mom was pretty strict. They did let me watch Greece too before Greece. One which I remember thinking now is like a travesty this. Why would you let me watch Greece to the sequel before Greece won.
But we forgive them. Maybe there's more of a feminist message in Greece too. I think that mother is and also Michelle Fiverr is a beast in that movie. And I still love Greece too. Like I love them both. But like now that you're saying that about Sandy changing Berman, I even played Sandy in high school and. Yeah, OK.
What's your favorite musical? I don't know if I knew this about you until recently that you are professionally trained. How can we didn't hear you singing more in the halls? Because I got two because I have time to sing anyway. Yeah.
I grew up wanting to be a Broadway. Julie Andrews was my hero. The Sound of Music is my favorite movie and musical and I studied the operatic soprano and originally I went to UCLA for music theater. So I was studying voice and then I got the comedy bug and wanted to do film and TV because of that. But I still love it. I don't sing as much in my soprano. I had a big I was up for My Fair Lady on Broadway a few years ago and I studied for like four months getting my voice there and I was really close and it was an amazing experience to get that far and whatever.
But I'm also kind of like relieved now that I didn't get it because singing.
First of all, I think it's one of the most vulnerable art forms why? Well, and we talk about this in harmonics with musicians. I love singers. I love like Renee Carlisle. And I think what I've learned is that I think the voice and music is like a direct channel to like something bigger than ourselves, spiritual. I don't know what you want to call it, whatever you believe. And so I think singing for me feels like that and always has since I was a little girl.
But in that way then it's sacred and I don't want it to be tainted by professional pressure.
That's a beautiful sentiment, Beth. Oh, good. I like I think laughter is really important, too. So I think what we do also in its own way is sort of this like Healing Channel. But there's something about music universally, which we talk a lot about, like it crosses cultural barriers. And I've been learning and deep diving a lot about the power of music. And I do think that there's something from the time like ancient tribal rhythms, and we're somehow in our bodies differently with music than we are in any other way.
What's your least favorite song in The Sound of Music before you are 16? Going on 17? Because now it seems a little rapey. I don't know. Did you see the SNL parody? They did like an SNL parody of it was just somebody with an older guy and it was really creepy.
And I was like, oh, I don't know if I like it as much. And he's a Nazi. Sorry. That's the real reason. That song's very creepy. I'm with you two.
That one's a little boring, even though I do like in the movie, she's flying around the gazebo with her floaty.
Oh, my God. It's my favorite than the movie When the Rain Comes and she's dancing. I mean, look, as a kid, yes, I still love the movie. But if we could just like X out the Nazi, that would be great. What was your first boss like? Wow. Well, the first job I had was a college my dad worked at. So sort of like working in the office. But I'm trying to think, Boss Wise was your dad a professor, but he was a president of a college.
He was vice president when I was in college then. He was a president in Indiana. He is in like higher education, like high up administration, basically. And my mom's a teacher, so I was very academic.
Did they ever have to pressure you to do well? They never had to pressure me. It was part of my makeup. But I really didn't want to go to college. I really wanted to go to Broadway, like I really wanted to move to New York and sing or go to L.A. And they made me go to college and it was the best decision. I'm still so grateful. And they never discouraged me from acting. They just always thought it was really important that I have the academic education.
And now obviously it paid off. But no, I've always sort of put that pressure on myself, but I'm trying to do that less. I think that's the perfectionism thing during two broke girls really was what added all the pressure to, you know, like trying to be perfect, not mess up a line. It's like we're human. We're not robots. Yeah, completely. I am so with you on that. And my parents were the same way.
They never discouraged acting. They really encouraged it at times when I didn't even want to pursue it. But they did insist that I go to college and I was kind of miserable in college. I went to University of Washington. I went there for a guy, my high school boyfriend, who broke up with me two weeks into, oh, my God, I'm sorry, that kinda sucks.
But hey, a gift. I'm sure he gave you something.
Hopefully not chlamydia, but I went to a school that I think was a little too large and I was not a great student until later. I had to kind of learn how to be interesting. I had to learn how to be proactive in a class. And then it made it much more interesting for me. Yes, that's interesting. That was like a skill that I just had to figure out. And I am really glad I went. Although when I first moved to L.A., I thought it would be more relevant in a naive way.
Yeah, I get it. I thought the same thing. And honestly, I went to UCLA and the only C I ever got my entire life, including my academic classes at UCLA, was enacting. My acting teacher gave me a C. It's the only thing on my report card that in my entire life that wasn't any. He did not like that.
I wanted to be funny, but I do think that education in general, I think to be a good actor, you need to sort of be educated in all sorts of different walks of life and comedy, too. So I feel like it's good if it feels right. Right. And if it doesn't, you know, everybody's different. Beth, on what occasion do you lie? I'm a terrible liar. You can see it all over my face. But if I see a movie or a play a friend is in, but I don't love my God, I have a saying where we go, oh, well, now I'm going to ruin it.
But you go now. That's a movie. That was a play. Wow. That was a play. Congratulations. Because he said his grandma, whatever he used to see, like ugly babies would be like now that's a baby. And so like him and I if we see something we don't like but I mean, I just lie and be like, you are wonderful.
Even if I didn't love it, because you got to be supportive lying when it's not going to hurt someone else's feelings.
I think it's OK. I think it's an impossibility to not to not. Yeah, OK.
Beth, do you have a favorite book or author? I always like to make it specific in terms of like something that was formative in your teens.
Oh, I read every Sweet Valley High book.
Nice. I guess it was like middle school into the beginning of high school because there was like Sweet Valley senior year which came out. But I had all the Sweet Valley highs and the Babysitters Club, the Saddle Club, like growing up, those were my jams.
My mom hated it, that I read them. But what I think she didn't realize was that your craving just some kind of education about what? Like older girls?
Are there clues, especially like when you read them, when you're not in high school yet, you just assume that's high school? Like I would watch like reruns of nine to one. I'd be like, oh, my God, high school, holy. You know, then you get to high school and you're like, oh, my God, all I do is study. And that's what my high school. Do you remember when Jessica's boyfriend, I can't remember his name, took off her top in the swimming pool?
Oh, yeah. I mean, that's why I feel like I learned everything about love, which is I mean, I'm lucky I'm still married.
That was my first taste of erotic literature. My God. So if I was erotic literature, I'm just realizing. Yeah. Like, what's your name? I can't remember. Frank Francene. Something she wrote about, like the pool water, like swirling around. Like to remember that Jessica's breasts and how I got there. She was and I was like what.
I do remember that. Oh my God, I just loved those.
But this is like PG Fifty Shades of Grey. I like erotic literature more than porn.
I'm not a porn watcher really at all.
Oh, God, no. Me either. I definitely would prefer literature to porn. It's better in your imagination. Yeah, it's better for our acting. We can, you know, develop our imaginations deeper. And I love playing characters to me to really come on, give us the character, come out. I can't do it without being serious. Michael says, I'm never really sexy. I'm never able to be sexy because I'm just like all of a sudden I end up doing a physical comedy.
But even if I'm trying to be like sexy schoolgirl, you know what I mean? Like, I'll then be like. And then I said, like a weird voice and he's like, I can't take you seriously. Like, please stop. I feel like you'd be like me. You're like, I just got to make this joke just real quick.
So what are your days like? What are you liking and not liking. I just like to stay at home. Quarantine's my dream. Me too. Yeah.
I wish I'd love not having dinner plans. It's great. I know. I just I like come home from work. I like maybe do an exercise something and then I cook like a real wife from the nineteen fifties.
No I just love being a homebody. I do too Beth. I'm so with you on that. I know but Beth what do you like to cook.
I kind of really switch to plant based in the past like four months. So I've been experimenting with a lot of like vegan cooking. So I just made an incredible like vegan chia seed, butternut squash, sweet potato chili. I'm usually not a good cook at all. I'm not a chef. Michael's amazing, but because I've sort of switched my diet to be more animal environmentally friendly and all that. And I also hear that diet and anxiety like gut health and anxiety are really related, really, truly.
Like I've noticed a really big difference in my anxiety from, like, eating really better. Yeah. And I'm not one to restrict, I think, everything in moderation. So, like, I would never be like, you have to be plant based, whatever. I'm not going to be ever that kind of person because I think everybody is different.
But I will say, like, it's been really fun to, like, eat whole foods from the earth that make me feel good.
I don't have that afternoon slump at work. Like. Yeah, like where you need coffee on like a shoot day, like when everybody orders coffee around three or four before we go into like the evening party. You know, I've been great. So I've been cooking that. I've been making a lot of jams, fruit jams. I'm basically like really into like homesteading stuff. We got to get you this upstate place in New York. Thank you. Right.
Can you help me? I know it's just now everybody's moving out of New York City. So the real estate prices are out of my budget up there at the moment. But someday I think they'll come back down when everybody goes back, let's do a crowd fundraising campaign. Maybe we could just start a commune of people who want to live off the earth up there. It doesn't even need to be crowdfunding. I'll buy the property some day. And then anybody who wants to just like rescue animals and grow their own food and like dance, doing yoga and all that and be hippy dippy can come along.
Beth, is there a talent or ability that you would most like to have that you don't?
I'd really like to play the banjo. Well, I'm learning, but it's so hard.
I don't understand your patience level. Like, how far along are you in your tutelage? So during the quarantine, up until the move, I was really good about lessons once a week. But I have to say, since being back at work doing like the move and the podcast and work and stuff, honestly, my poor banjo has sat. So I would love to just blink and be Steve Martin and be able to just like really quickly and easily.
But it's hard, but it's really good for you to learn an instrument. It's really good for your brain. I highly recommend it for people that are dealing with mental health because it's good to take you out of your head and into focusing on something in your body.
I could use that to best. What would you play? I bought a cello a while back. Well, I love the cello. That's cool. Oh, no, I mean, it's in my powder room right now, but your powder room is sitting where you get ready in the morning. Yeah, totally.
No, but I've been fascinated by learning an instrument, but I have I don't know if it's a chaos in life. And it's also I picked a really. Hard won. Yeah, they're all hard, but like guitar, cello and banjo, those are pretty intricate, intense instruments to learn. Like start with the piano or the guitar is the most, I think, basic, very universal. You can find very inexpensive teachers or YouTube videos. But I love the cello.
I love the idea of just having like a dinner party and then taking the cello out and then having like, Michael, interrupt me right as I'm about to start playing every time.
Hilarious. So, like, there would be this mystery, like, wait, she can't play.
And playing the cello naked could be hot, too, because you're covering everything.
Well, it's a pretty sexy instrument. It kind of looks like a feminine form. Yeah. If you get like a nice wood and you kind of have to like, grind into it. Oh yeah.
I imagine it's like on a Ferris becomes the most incredible cello player and you're like going on Jimmy Fallon to promote something in there. Like we hear you have this new talent and everybody thinks you're going to be terrible and goofy and funny. And then you're like this genius cello player that I love that idea.
But I feel like it requires hundreds of hours of work. So you're imagining somebody who's like half reaction. You're a full time actor or mother podcast, or you don't have time for the cello now, but maybe when you're retired someday.
OK, for what historical figure would you start a fan club? Oh, God.
Mary Oliver, the poet. I don't know if I know I love her.
She died recently, but she's just a beautiful nature poet and it's really accessible poetry. Everybody can feel something from it and understand it. She's incredible. I love her book. There's a collection of her book called Devotions that's like my favorite of all her poems that I'll read like any time I'm having a bad day. But there's like a pretty big Mary, all of her following. So I think the fan club would do really well. I like that.
That's savvy. OK, what lesson at an early age has stuck with you?
Oh, there's a lot. Because nothing is more important than kindness and you can't sleep your way to the middle. Joan Rivers told me that.
OK, what's your favorite rainy day movie? Oh, I'm just going to say practical magic because I want to watch it so bad. But, you know, Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman play, which is you haven't seen practical man. No, I haven't. I was just trying to remember best. I think that it was either filmed or it's set on an island. I think it's up in the Cayman Islands, really, isn't it? San Juan Islands, I think in Washington.
I don't know where they filmed that, but it's the most beautiful place I've ever seen.
OK, what skill are you still trying to master besides Banjo? I haven't been able to bake anything. I really want to bake and it seems so hard. It's so technical. And like even just the thought of using a food processor to make the beginnings of dough really terrifies me. If it's not a vitamin E thing, I can't do it. I can do anything with a vitamin E, but put any other technical equipment kitchen wise in there. I can't do it.
I made a loaf of bread a month ago.
Oh, no. It could have been used as a weapon. It's so hard. Oh my God. Michael can do it. No problem. He's been making homemade bread, the whole pandemic. But I can't I can't do it.
Oh, but I want to ask you about singing and your love of country music. And you have a podcast. Yeah.
Tell me all about it. It's basically what I said, that this pandemic's sort of just made me realize my deep love and connection to music in a more healing way. And so then I really wanted to explore, like the intersection between music, creativity, spirituality and wellness. And I am a nerd only big fan girl of all music, but particularly like Roots Americana Country are my favorite kinds of music. So this first season, you know, we've had people like Brandi Carlile and Mickey Guyatt and but I've also had like my co-star Tichina Arnold on and Glenanne Doyle, who's my hero, who wrote Untamed.
If you haven't read that. Speaking of books, that book changed my life and she's our first episode. So the beginnings were about music, but now it's sort of just turned into talks with these beautiful creatives about what they believe and how creativity affects their sort of day to day and mental health, wellness and all that. And I've learned some really cool things from it. Like I never really ask them all the questions that I want to know about the meaning of life.
And then they all give me answers that I've applied to my own life to make it better. So it's a very selfish endeavor, but it's really instrument.
You must be enjoying it. I really enjoy it. I mean, I know, you know, there was something during the quarantine and I'm sure you've experienced this with your podcast, but like, I feel like I've been more vulnerable on Harmonix, my podcast about my personal life than I ever have before, which terrified me to put out into the world. But I will say that by me sort of being open and vulnerable and holding that space for like guests, I think it's allowed them to be more open and honest and vulnerable.
And so we're really able to connect and all women this first season, it's a time for women to sort of come together and talk about being a woman during twenty twenty. And we talk a lot about the pandemic and how we can better our mental health during this time and use the power of creativity to heal the world.
This episode of Unqualified is brought to you in part by Kiriko.
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When I called everyone for dinner, the younger one responded with Not now, mom, we're concentrating. The iPad had been forgotten. Kind of a miracle, really. If your family is like ours, you and your kids have experienced a lot of change this year. And while this holiday season may look a little different, it's still a time to celebrate moments of wonder and discovery. Kiriko is redefining learning with hands on projects that build confidence, creativity and critical thinking skills.
There is something for every kid or kid at heart. Kimiko, get fifty percent off your first month, plus free shipping on any crate line with code on a Kiriko dotcom. That's 50 percent off your first month at Kaixi Y Seo Dotcom promo code onna. Beth, can you give our listeners and myself some practical advice, maybe as simple things like just breathing, maybe it's small dietary change, what do you think? Like what are some things, practical things that you do that are important to you to keep you present?
Well, I think the most important thing about this is to know that everybody is different. So like something that might work for me or for you or someone else might not be right for that person. But I think ultimately it all comes down to self-love. So the more that you can find ways to learn to love yourself, which is, I think, the most difficult relationship in our life, I think it's really hard to cultivate self-love. So for me, you know, with the anxiety and perfectionism and all that, I was prioritizing work, work, work, work, work.
And my self care was the lowest on the totem pole. And then when my body started to break down and I had panic attacks, I had to remedy that. So for me, it started with horses and nature and meditation. Those were sort of the three things. So getting outside, I would say, is something really easy everybody can do, even if you're not, quote unquote outdoorsy, everybody can kind of go listen to a podcast in a park or go for a walk.
I think breathing and saying things like that. You know, you hear a lot of self-help books and people telling you to do this diet or this breath or this whatever, and like diets really help me. But it was also freakin hard to change my diet. And I wasn't ready to do it until this year, obviously, because I'd never done it before. And yes, I'm noticing all the benefits now, but the first three months of changing it were terribly difficult.
And I don't know what gave me the willpower. I think my love of animals and of wanting to help for climate change finally overpowered my desire for like pizza all the time, which like I still love pizza. You can have an occasional like I just don't have it all the time. So I think finding for you something you believe in that gives back is really powerful, whether that's volunteering or trying to do something because it's for the good of the planet or whatever.
And then honestly, connection, like girlfriends, friends, good relationships in your life, cultivating the good ones and getting out the bad ones. See, I'm learning so much. That's like my podcast.
I just learn everything I want to know from, like Glenn and Doyel about how to be a better person and woman and.
OK, Beth, who would you like to apologize to and why? Oh my goodness. Myself for not taking care of her for a long time and not putting her first because I was too afraid of what other people think or of ambition or overworking and wanting to be perfect. Yeah, we got to give ourselves a break. Yeah. Yeah.
OK, what or who has influenced your career the most? Carol Burnett and Julie Andrews were probably my favorites growing up. I really love Amy Poehler. I feel like she also just seems like a genuinely good human like you. And there's just people I've met that are like so talented, but they're also just like really good humans.
So thinking back to your Broadway experience, I mean, I'm hesitant to ask you because it's a vulnerable question, I guess. But how crushing was that? Yeah. Did My Fair Lady audition was crushing because I got so close. Yeah, I Bart's chair, the director and Lauren Ambrose was amazing and it was beautiful, but he did a really good job addressing that, I think in the production. But I was on the floor crying like if I'm being honest, it was really hard because it took a lot of work to get my voice back up to that operatic soprano.
I mean, that's it's hard, but it was literally right after Tubercles got canceled. And I think it was a gift because I don't know if I could have gone from six years into eight times a week singing that way and emotionally and physically doing eight shows because I've done theater before, eight times a week. And I mean, people were like, oh, you only work at night. No, no, no. You're thinking about the show all day.
You're prepping for the show today. You're getting your body warmed up. I mean, it's a whole thing. So I think in some ways it was the universe looking out for me, being like, hey, girl, how about you just rest and get married?
So, you know, but someday I do hope to do Broadway eventually because it's definitely a bucket list. But I want it to be the right thing. I feel like I've suppressed my most crushed audition. Didn't get story. Yeah. Yeah. What is that for you. Oh God.
I'm sure there's so many. You know, there was a show that I really wanted on HBO. It was called Carnivàle. Oh yeah. I think I remember that. Yeah. Yeah.
And Claire Duvall ended up getting the role that I wanted, but it was one of those intense entombment, audition process, you know, like last for for a long time.
And you keep getting called back in and it's like, oh, and I remember the brilliant director, what's his name anyway.
He kept telling me to give a smaller performance.
And I'm laughing because I call myself Jim Carrey always. I'm like. Do you want that bigger? Yeah, do you want that bigger on the show? No. Beth, bring it down. Should I go with my mouth fully open and eyes?
I remember thinking I feel like the smallest I can possibly. You're like, I'm not doing anything.
And they're like, that's exactly right. Do you find and all the dramatic actresses out there can hate me, but do you find that it's a little bit easier than comedy? Oh, yes. OK, good. Me too. Because I was like when I have a drama audition, I'm like, oh hallelujah. Oh, I can be so intimate and small, like the way you're saying. Like, I don't think people realize the sort of physical energy of comedy.
I'm sure if we were doing Handmaid's Tale like that would be exhausting the amount of stress and crying and not just that, but like courage because you have to be brave and inventiveness. Yes. Yes. Attempting to create something new in a moment.
Over and over. Yeah, because comedy, you kind of have to jump off the cliff each take or it won't land. It's music, right? I think the intersection between comedy and music is actually really interesting, especially with multicam. Do you feel like there's a musicality to that? Oh, yes, completely. And I think that it feels kind of like playing tennis. Yeah. If I knew how to play tennis. But also, though, in terms of musicality, frequently I would have the experience of your brain hears it the way you want it and your vocal chords aren't quite well.
And I think that the intersection between music and comedy, there's a tension and a release to comedy and to rhythm and music. And so what you're thinking is your brain can almost feel the tension and release, but then to execute it is where I think the craft comes in and the like work ethic. Right. I mean, that's where it's like, yeah, I woke up two days ago thinking about John Denver. Oh, my grandma just passed away and she loved John Denver and my husband sang her country road as she was dying.
It was so amazing. I love John Denver.
So I was playing it when I was making breakfast and he lets his voice waver. At one point he gets to a higher note. He sounds a slightly more fragile and then he kind of releases you. And it's beautiful with the lyrics, Rocky Mountain High. And you're right that there is that tension and release. Yeah. Like there's like a tension and release that like music does it all the time. And I think comedy particularly does it all the time as well.
And the sort of longer and smarter you can craft the tension, the bigger the laugh release is going to be for the audience, and especially in multicam like for almost ten years doing multicam. Now I can read a script and it's like you say, my brain can just sort of hear the music and, you know, like when you're off the pace, just like you'd know if you were off the beat, like if you were off of the guitar line, if you were singing.
And you're right, sometimes you can't control it. You're just like, I know what the music is, but I'm just off today. And I think in comedy and in music, like it can just happen. That's why it's vulnerable. Like you can come off the rhythm, but then you just come back to the present moment and try your best.
It's an interesting comparison. I had always heard, like Chuck Lorre talk about music and I understood, like the musicality of MultiCam and I understood it in terms of alkaline. Alyson's as a line, but the structure of the actual lines has a musicality to it, which is why I guess precision is so important, which took me a long time to understand. Yeah, that's something different than single camera because there's a lot of freedom to improv because there's an editor who's helping with the rhythms, right?
I mean, we have an editor multicam too, but there's a different music to it. There just is because of what you just said, it is as precise in other ways, I think is music. Yes. Like you can't sing the wrong note if the guitar player is playing a C, right. You have to be either a third above or whatever you're doing has to be in tune. And that's the same thing. You can't. I tried to improvise.
I got basically shut down. I remember season one episode like three of two broke girls because I come from like a little bit of improv world in college and the audience was going. It was a moment where I did some physical comedy bit and I kept going and I said something. And like Michael Patrick King was so right, he was like, never do that again. You can never improv on multicam because it ruins the whole room. And it was like I never did it again because I understood what he meant, that there was like a music that I cannot break, no matter how much I wanted that in the moment.
Laugh from the live audience that I came up with this thing in the moment. It did not work with the music of the scene. And so you can't fuck with that as you provide this anecdote. I would argue that there isn't anyone in the world that could relate to you more.
Both birth and I. Our egos have been bruised in terms of improv on multicam.
I will say, though, as an audience member, if we want to bring it full circle to understand the power of laughter in mental health and healing, it would help people who are listening. To understand why something makes them laugh and why laughter can be so different for each person. I like a lot of different kinds of music, but I don't love like classical as much as country. You know, some people might like a different kind of comedy because it's their music that makes them laugh.
So people listening, like maybe you can take away something about the healing power of laughter for your mental health and finding your music.
Everyone's going to be like, why did you have her on? Just edit her out. Oh, listen to harmonics if you want to hear stuff like this, because this is basically we go deep into like mental health, music, wellness, like how creativity, like, really affects our mental state.
I want you OK.
Is there a moment in your career or personal life that you're most proud of? I mean, just that what you said about like having the same friends, like, I'm really proud, but also just grateful that I have women in my life who are like lifers. They're like sisters at this point in my relationship that like my husband's been with me through when I was in and through two broke girls and now the neighborhood and stuff. So, yeah, I'm just grateful for my relationships.
I love that. In one word. How would you like to be remembered?
I was just about to make a Bawls joke, but I love it. I would like to be remembered as someone who was kind and who gave back in some way and contributed to helping better people's lives.
I think you've already accomplished that.
Well, I think you've been doing the same thing. Thank you. Yes. I can't thank you enough. I would love to have more of you in my life. I agree. I would love to have more of you in my life. You're wonderful. Thank you for having me on that.
Please be in touch on. I missed you. And thank you too. I miss you too. Bye, guys. Bye. Unqualified qualified advice is brought to you by better health if you think you may be depressed or you're feeling overwhelmed or anxious. Better Help offers licensed professional therapists who are trained to listen and help, better help. Counselors have expertise in a broad range of areas, including anxiety, grief, depression, trauma, relationship, conflicts, self-esteem and more.
Connect privately with your licensed counselor by text, phone or video calls and get help on your own time, at your own pace and at an affordable rate. Everything you share is confidential and know that you're not alone. Over a million people have taken charge of their mental health with the support of better health counselors. I think everyone would agree that this past year has been overwhelming and we could all use help when we're feeling down. So start by filling out a questionnaire to help assess your specific needs and get matched with your counselor in under 48 hours.
Better help is an affordable option. And our listeners get 10 percent off your first month with a discount code. Feris So get started today at Better LP Dotcom slash FARC. Yes, talk to a therapist online and get help. Hey, dear listeners, Professor Eli Finkel is back to help all of us. Eli teaches at Northwestern University and is the author of The All or Nothing Marriage How the Best Marriages Work. He is also the director of Northwesterners Relationships and Motivation Lab, a contributor to The New York Times and The Economist, and has published over 150 scientific papers.
I didn't ask, but I imagine he's a big fan of the first four scary movies. Hi, Eli, welcome back. Thank you so much for doing this. Thank you. I'm excited to be here. All right. So we're going to call Emily. Hello. Hi, Emily. Hi. Hi. You are here with myself on a also Eli Finkel, who is the author of The All or Nothing Marriage. Emily, tell us what's going on.
I guess kind of it's the old you know, you hear people say like, oh, the mother in law causing problems, causing a rift. And that's pretty much where I'm at and what's going on. And it's been more of an issue probably in the past year. And I'm almost to the point where I want to be done. And also I'm torn. There's another part of me that's like I want to break up with his mom, not him.
Emily, do you mind if I read the first few sentences of your email? Yeah, yeah. You write, My husband and I have been together for over nine years. We've only lived together for three of those years. When I moved into his house, he told me his parents were moving back to their home in another country. Do you mind my asking? What is the distance there? Why is there six years?
So we did not live together because his parents were living with him and we only lived like two miles away from each other. So, I mean, it wasn't like we were in different cities or jobs or anything like that. It just worked for us at that time. So for six years I lived by myself with my dog and it was great. Like we got along really well. We never thought he came over. Every day I would go to his house, you know, the back and forth.
Then it's actually almost three years to the date. We decided that it was time we needed to live together. And so one of the agreements was that he was like, oh, they're going back to Mexico, they're going back to their house. This will be our house. And I was like, hell, yeah. So I moved in and then shortly after, they are quite a bit older and so their health started to decline slightly. And so there were reasons for them to stay a little bit longer.
And I completely understood I'm not a jerk. And then the conversation never came up again about them leaving and they would go to Mexico for a few months at a time. And every time I was under the impression that they were leaving for good. And so when they would come back, I was very surprised. So it was a lot of miscommunication and just not really understanding what was going on, what you know, and I'm sure I'm partly to blame for that because I didn't really ask questions.
I was like, oh, they're out here by. But now, in the past year, it's been made very clear that there's no intention of them leaving and that they're here to stay. And it would be OK with me if his mom wasn't so awful. His dad is fantastic. I know my dad is. That's wonderful. But it's just, you know, you have two women living under one roof and one who doesn't expect you and doesn't want you there like me.
I don't want her there. We're constantly butting heads. But the main issue is that he doesn't have my back in these situations. And in my eyes, I think you should have your partner's back, whatever's going on, your No. One in that situation. And I never he never has my back. And it's getting to the point like simple things, little things going on in the house where I rearranged furniture because I needed to make more room in this one area.
And then while I'm at work, she goes through and changes everything back to the way it was when I'm like, hey, I did this for a reason. Let's go and move that furniture back to how it was. I'm the one who needs to be needs to conform and just suck it up.
You know, I don't know if I said, yeah, no, it's because there's like a bunch of people fighting for control and there are situations where she is manipulative with him and does things that I don't like that he's got a lot of siblings. I mean, there's so many and they're spread out all over the world.
And you're you're wondering why she didn't choose one of them? Well, there have been multiple other children who live in the same area that their house is in Mexico who have said, why don't you live here full time? We can take care of you. Oh, no, he needs us. He needs us. We don't need to like you. We don't.
Do his brothers and sisters feel jealous towards your husband if he's potentially like a little bit of the family favorite?
Yeah, there's jealousy there and they don't bring it up to their mom and they don't bring it up to him. They bring up to me. And he's the baby of the family. Let's add that into she's enamored with him. And I understand I'm not completely and utterly heartless. I understand it is your mother. I have a mother and she's fantastic and wonderful. But there's a point where you need to also call your mom out when she's out of line in certain situations and back up your partner.
And I'm just to the point where I'm like, I don't even know. I'm like, do I even want to be here? Do I want to go? Like, I don't know how to fix it. And I'm also torn. Should I stay and fix it or do I need to just bounce? Emily sounds like you want to be with your husband and if his parents were eliminated, then maybe things would be pretty great between you guys. Is that that's an easy summation, right?
Yes. When we have alone time together, it's fantastic. We have wonderful chemistry. We talk to each other. We agree on a lot of the same things. And so it's very easy to be with him and easy to talk with him. But as soon as I walk in the door of that house, I'm just immediately I'm pissed. Like, I'm just I'm irritated and it's like I don't want to walk into the house and be mad all the time.
Like, it's just really odd. I know.
To me, Emily, here's what I would suggest. And it's going to just be a chore. But you may get reward out of the investment. I would first say to your husband, I want to be closer to your parents. Your mom and I have these issues. You've known that I don't know how to get past this because it makes me feel small. It makes me feel like I don't have my own space. It makes me feel like I don't want to come home because it's not my home.
You don't have to put my vehemence into it, but I feel that.
Yeah, right. Right.
But, you know, a very gentle version of that. Say something like, I want us to, I don't know, get freaky every night and have an amazing life together. And I can't I've no I don't think I've ever said get freaky in my life.
I was going to say you saved it for the right moment. Oh, yes.
Help me understand your mom and be forgiving when I need to vent, because that will happen. Yeah.
I have a question for you, Emily. Something that I didn't understand that you said earlier that I think could be important here. You said that eventually you realized you had to move in together. Why is that? Like, what made you decide?
This absolutely has to be a residential relationship, even though we've been so happy separated, to be totally honest with you, I think it was pressure from friends and family because they could not fathom that we were living separately for so long. And then I'm normally not someone who is easily swayed or pressured into doing things. But over time you have people who are just like, it's so weird, you live apart. It's so weird. It's so weird. And it's like, well, I guess it is weird.
I guess we just have to do this. That's where that came from. And I mean, if I could go back to that little four hundred dollars a month duplex, I thought I would.
I mean, this is a little bit of what I'm asking about is, you know, what you put in the email is that the situation since you moved in has been really bad. You asked him you were pretty forceful at least once to say this really is important to me and may well be the difference between whether we can stay together or not. He chose his mom and you use the phrase, I'm devastated. Is there a solution at this point?
Again, it's in danger of walloping us over the head of why don't you go back to that arrangement that made everybody so happy? Or are you now at a point where simply going back to where it was doesn't fully work because he revealed something about what his priorities are when I mean, you didn't give him an ultimatum, but it was in that ballpark. And he said, tough luck, babe. Is it like you could go back to where you were and you'd be happy in your little four hundred dollar a month duplex, or has that ship sailed?
I think it has sailed in the sense because we have had a discussion where I made a little comment and I was like, man, I miss that little place. And he said, well, if you wanted to go back, he's like, you go back, I go do it. And I said, Would you still be with me if I moved out? And he's like, I don't know. And so I think.
I don't know if we could I have a slightly different read of the situation now, I'm going to give you my impression and you have to correct me if I if I have any of this wrong.
So so, you know, circumstances led you to make the change, to move in together, even though you were actually pretty happy. And, look, I think that's reasonable to be like I guess it is time. Let's try it. I don't think that was a mistake or anything. But but it clearly has resulted in less happiness, at least for you. And then you made an effort to say, look, I really need them gone. We need our marriage house to be our marriage house.
And even though, again, it's not unreasonable to have parents living in, but it's not what you prefer, it's not going well and you're struggling to be happy. And you voiced it to him and he said, sorry, there's nothing I can do to to make you happier on this one. And then when you said, OK, well, here's this other solution that would work for me, he said, I'm not sure I'm feeling that either.
Is that a fair summary or have I been unfair to him?
That is a fair summary. Yeah.
Um. I don't love it again, I mean, relationships are complicated, I'm not judging him, I wanna get in here because I know that we have these conversations like the worst of times. You know, we can be flippant about ultimatums sometimes. You know, to me, Emily, it sounds like you guys still really like each other, right? I mean, you guys are really still into each other.
There's still yes. I mean, he's a very caring person. And I will agree that those some of those conversations and things that have come up have come up when we are not in the mood, but we definitely love each other. And now even this morning, we're still like I'm the type of person my fighting style is. I want to get it out, get it over with and move on. And he's the type he dwells on it for, I like to say three to five businesses.
And so he's still dwelling on the conversation that we recently had. But even with his anger, like I had run into a sticky situation with my finances. And, you know, he's immediately there to help me and to immediately be like, hey, what do I need to do to get you, you know, to help you out in this little pickle you're in? And so. There's a lot of love there, it's just this one topic I'm telling you, it's going to require so much of your patience, but it will pay off.
If you love your husband and you want to work this out and you want to have great fucking sex, here's what you need to do, Emily. But it's going to require like a big sucking up of pride. Yeah. All right. So you have to start to notice two things that your mother in law is passionate about and two things that she's not passionate about. Like if there's something that she rants about, like a dishwasher not getting things clean or just start to clock a little bit of those things and then side with her on them with both eyes, there's nothing like an older person loving somebody for hating the same thing they do.
You will feel better even though there will be times when it's like, oh my gosh, that thing just may be so insane, but I'm not going to say anything to anybody.
And then I really think that your patience will pay off sooner than you think. I let you know if you are generous to your mother in law in a way that she doesn't expect, I bet anything she will have your fucking back and then the two of you can turn on your husband.
So it's all good. Yeah.
I mean, I'm one of those people that, like, I vocalize, so I'm feeling a lot like there's never a question of how I'm feeling. And so I'm sure that that's that's caused a problem at home every time something goes wrong.
And I'm like, oh, no, I think that's great advice because I think that I've been coming at it with a very aggressive way and it's obviously gotten me nowhere. So I think coming at it in, you know, a more soft and gentle and understanding way, it's hard for me to suck up my pride, but I know I need to do it. Yes, I agree. That's something that I definitely can work on.
I think it's so easy to go to, like the idea of like, oh, it's family or my marriage. I've been in this situation, too. And it just feels like, you know, people trying to control a popular party member of the family. Emily, there's a way for you to get it all here.
The House, Mexico, because I do love him and I want to continue with them. I'm willing to to do things. Maybe I'm not necessarily I won't be comfortable. It's not the right word. But, you know, I may not be totally on board with that first, but I know that that would be helpful. You know, I need to change my point of view to make it all work and make the house be cohesive. Yeah.
And, well, you got to play this, like, super smooth and tell your husband, say, like, you know that like I want to I want to work on this and I want to come up with some good strategies because I love you. I want this to work. And I know that you love me and you want this to work. And I love your parents. But tell him your plan and ask him if he could be understanding in your attempts here to be close to his parents.
I think it's also a little bit of a cultural thing because he is you know, that's just how he's been raised. And like, you know, family is everything. And so I think showing that appreciation and showing my willingness to get on board, I think he would really appreciate that.
Emily, I think I think it's a really romantic gesture because it is so generous and it would be such a relief for him. And I think that heated moment where he chose his mom, those are momentary thing. You know, Emily, does that sound OK realistically?
Like I think that's going to be the best way to go about it. And I think I think deep down, I know that's what needed to happen, but I think I need someone to tell me and say this is what you need to do, because, by the way, I've been doing it obviously is not working for anybody and it's making things worse.
It sounds like you want to be in this and you just don't know what to do. Like you've been bossed around and like your house is your own and you had your own space and now you don't. And it feels like your husband is walking around eggshells with his mom and everything she does is amazing. And she's critical of you in front of him. And you don't have the sense of space right now at all. Yeah, that about sums it up.
I bet that your mother in law, she'll recognize that you're trying, you know, she will. And that will mean a lot to her and it will mean a lot to your husband and your sweet father in law will just maybe he'll be in front of the TV. Oh, watching the World Series is the cutest. I love them.
Hey, Emily, thank you so much for talking with this. Will you please let us know? And did we help? Yes, you did.
You know, you can vent to your friends all day. You can vent to whatever, and you get all sorts of little bits of advice. But having someone who has that outside perspective, giving that advice, that's really helpful because, you know, your friends, they hype you up. They're like, get out. You give my opinion, you know, whatever. But this helped me a lot because I did truly need to, like, hear that truth is like chill basically.
What could it take? It is just, you know, I've been so aggressive with it for so long and know aggression doesn't get you anywhere. So, you know, she loves cooking. So that's something I'm definitely going to start picking her brain about.
And you can be proactive. She'll be flattered and she'll be taken by surprise and then she will have your back.
Someone on my team, I come from a really tight family and I think my parents kind of thought that that we were like these little golden children that deserved everything in the world.
It is disgusting.
But even my brother and I joke about that a lot, but it's been hurtful towards our relationships. So you have to be like your own little army right now.
Hey, Emily, will you keep us posted?
I will definitely email you guys and give you guys an update. Yeah, let us know. Hey, Emily, thanks so much. Ed, very appreciate it. And I'm definitely going to utilize that.
I hope we have I don't know, but I love you and thank you. Thank you. So OK. Bye, Emily. All right. Bye, Eli.
Thank you again. Thank you for having me by Eli.