Hey, everyone, today's guest is the talented, beautiful and insightful actress Olivia Munn, you know her from the NEWSROOM, X-Men, Apocalypse the Predator and countless other movies and shows. I really admire Olivia for so many reasons. And after this episode, I think you will, too.
I'm also excited to welcome world renowned clinical sexologist, educator and sex coach Dr. Patty Britton. Dr. Patty joins me later in the episode for an uninhibited discussion with one of our listeners about BDM. Now is Olivia.
Ladies and gentlemen, you are listening to unqualified with host unifiers. How are you how is the last like, I don't know, six months been can you give me the spectrum of emotion? I would say just ups and downs like everyone else. In the beginning, it was actually like kind of a nice break for me because I just feel like sometimes I get anxiety of just. Trying to keep up with the flow of everything, and it almost felt like the pencils down at the end of a test or quiz, like everybody pencils down, nobody gets to write any more.
Nobody like we all had to kind of just pencils down. Everybody has to wait. So you got this kind of moment of, like, OK, we all get to stop, take some time by ourselves, take care of our minds and our our hearts and our health had a lot of anxiety. Then I got used to it and it's really, really good. And now I'm in the place where I'm a little bit more confused because you see people going out and being social but not wearing masks and all this stuff and and traveling.
And it's very confusing to me because I don't really know what we're supposed to be doing right now.
I so feel that to you, because this is like a struggle for me lately. Oh, God, yeah.
Completely. OK, can I ask you a series of questions? OK, great. If you could live anywhere in the world for a year, where would it be? I live in Kyoto, Tokyo or Turks and Caicos. I know I wasn't supposed to pick three, but they're all so different. I grew up in Tokyo. I miss Tokyo. That feels like home to me. So I would love to be there. I never really got to spend a ton of time in Kyoto, so I would love to be in Kyoto.
But truthfully, right now, because of the state of the world, I just want to be in Turks and Caicos, like on a beach where that warm ocean water is like right there feet away from your home, just like that's really all I think about all the time is just if I can spend every vacation right on a beach with warm ocean water, I'd be happy for the rest of my life.
But so it was your dad that was stationed in Tokyo. Will you give us a little background? So it was my first stepfather. My mother is now remarried to my second stepfather, my first stepfather. My mom married him when I was two and he was in the military. And so I was a military kid from two to 16. And then we were in Oklahoma, Utah and then Japan.
And we just ended up staying in Japan for most of my upbringing until I was 16 and then came back to Oklahoma, where I went to high school and to the University of Oklahoma.
What was that like transferring from Tokyo to high school in Oklahoma?
That was probably one of the hardest years of my upbringing. I think just because I had already gone from school to school growing up, you know, always being the new kid in military family. And now at 16 years old, I've got to go back to Oklahoma where people have known each other from like kindergarten on. So they've already established their clicks and everybody has their own social standing. And then I come in and I didn't look like anyone else.
I didn't dress like anyone else. It was really difficult. I literally cried every single day for a month, my first period of class and then into the hallways. And then I would kind of stop crying like by second period. And then somewhere around lunch was always the hardest. And then it was just really hard because I, I would just cry a lot and nobody would even like, look at me. There's so many kids in that school.
I think there was like seven hundred or a thousand people in my class alone. I think. So it was just a lot of people with their own life and problems and concerns and no one was even thinking about the new girl in school. So that was really, really tough. But I do look back and think that it really helped me for Hollywood to kind of go into places where nobody cares who you are and feel that kind of constant rejection and kind of like, toughen me up.
I think I imagined just imagining them. High school in Oklahoma specifically, I guess, did you end up finding like a click or a group? So when I was in Japan, I had made the cheerleading team a few years ago and we were like actually the Far East champions. So that's like all of the Far East military schools. We competed in that. And so that was my group and my my older sister. I have two older sisters, one biological one is a stepsister.
And they were in the same school with me too, and on the cheerleading team. So I really had that kind of family unit. I'm one of five kids, so I always had my siblings with me in school everywhere. And then when I was sixteen, my mother and my first stepfather divorced. And then my sister at this point was now in college and now I'm alone, going into this huge, big high school by myself. At the time, I was dressed like a big skater pants.
I wore like men's big t shirts and big skater pants, like these massive jeans that like you could fit like two legs in one leg. And I didn't wear makeup or anything like that. And so Oklahoma, it's a big pageant kind of state. So these girls knew how to do makeup and curl their hair and all the stuff. And I had no idea what I was doing. And I remember going through the hallways and, you know, once I stopped crying and observing, kind of like what everybody was kind of dressing like.
And so I remember going to the drugstore and getting some CoverGirl eyeshadow and not even knowing how to apply it, having to turn it over on the back to look at the illustration of, like, where you place the eyeshadow and trying to figure that whole thing out. And then I remember at the time, it was a very preppy look that was in style. And so all the popular girls all wore these sweater vests with the little polos underneath them.
And then these little cargo shorts just screams of sex.
It was a very like preppy Oklahoma look. And and so we didn't have the kind of money that we could just go like, Mom, I want to go, like, change out my whole new wardrobe. When I just spent a lot of money on skater pants over the last year or so, I went into my Vietnamese grandmother's closet and she had this old sweater vest that she would wear. And I would just like take those and try to put together my version of what these girls were wearing.
I did not pass. I did not look like I fit in. And then I abandoned that pretty quick. And then at six years old, junior in high school, I just wanted to have somebody to have lunch with because at the time. I was able to trade out one of my classes so that I could have library aid as my lunch hour, and instead of eating lunch in a cafeteria with everyone where I didn't have a place to sit, I would actually just sit with, like the older librarians who were like in their 70s.
And there's this one guy who's a library aide with me. He was a robber. And he asked me to come to a rave with him one night that I was like, I'll just try. I'll try anything.
Wait, wait, wait. How old is this library aid that you're even when he was, like, maybe a year older than me? OK, I think. I think yeah. So he was like, do you have any friends? And I said, no, I just moved here and I don't really know anybody. And so he's like, come to trade with me. And I had no idea what a rape was. And so I remember he tells me where to meet with his friends.
And I went and I remember just everyone's like got their glowsticks and partying and like just partying their heads off and understanding in the corner, kind of like watching it all going like I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing and sitting there with glowsticks trying to like kind of dance a little bit. But being like, this is not me. I don't know what this is, but that guy was really great because he just befriended me when nobody else was at all.
And he really kind of got me through this hard whump at that school. And then years later, I was doing the premiere of Right Along Two in Miami. And he comes up to me and he's like, Hey, you may not remember me. And I looked at him. I remembered his cheeks right away. And I was like, oh, my God. I was like, you basically saved my life through, like, high school. So that was really fun to just be able to meet him again so many years later.
And then he he was a cop in Miami and as a kid and stuff like that's really sweet.
I wonder, though, because I went to my 20th high school reunion and I think the only reason to go to a high school reunion is to get reflections like in a self-absorbed way, like of how people will remember you if it confirms what you remember or if it dispels what you remember.
I moved around so much I didn't have like the group of friends that I'm like, oh, let's all go back and reminisce. And I can't remember I can remember a few teachers names, maybe I don't know the social part of school. The struggles, some of the highlights were great. But in general, like the people that I want to stay connected to, I have stay connected to. I never really understood people going back for like a high school reunion.
Was it horrible?
No, I almost wish it was, because then it would have been definitive at least. But I felt the same way about prom, like, well, I guess this is something I should do.
Yeah, well, I, I wasn't invited to my prom by anyone at the school, so there was a boy at this other school, can't really remember his name, but I invited him just because I thought I should go. So I brought him, got the pictures.
I love it. You're the outsider. Bring in the outsider.
But then he knew all the cool. Like jocks and the popular crowd, and they wanted to leave prom and go to some after party, and I just really didn't want to do that at all. So I just said, like, hey, why don't you just kind of go off? And he's like, are you sure?
I'm like, Yeah, I'm just going to go home, which is kind of my M.O. a lot. I'm the girl that I'll go to a party, but then I don't ever mind being like the first to leave and go home and kind of hang out with my dogs. And I'd much rather do like a dinner party or game night than go out to like a thing. Prom is for me was like I had to do this. I got to go check out the list.
I've done it and that's it.
I yeah, high school only haunts me in a couple of ways, mostly having to do with like rejection and love and heartbreak.
But at that age, like when I felt like I was in love, it really had nothing to do with him.
It was just like he was just a handsome kid and I couldn't believe he liked me. And then, of course, when there's sex involved, too, for me at that age, it was like, now we are bonded for life, you know. How old were you when you lost your virginity?
I was 17 and it was incredible, Olivia, as you can imagine. But I think that love at that age, too, is it's so difficult to be examining of somebody else because you're so self examining and it's very hard to to actually assess, like, what do I like about this person? What do I like about that friend? That friend is mean. Why am I chasing that person who's like kind of an ass? But I think that there's just too many things going on in your developing brain to have any kind of perspective in any way.
But anyway, I'll tell you more about losing my virginity.
Well, you know, high school is an interesting thing, but memory is a very interesting thing to me because like my memory of high school, I can remember the good times and the bad times. I can remember all that stuff.
But the feeling that I have and I think about how I felt during high school was it's hard to describe because I had more problems, like with social situations and friend groups more than I did like falling in love with guys. I wasn't really that into dating and stuff. When I was in high school, I was more interested in hanging out with girlfriends. Would you describe yourself as like an angry teenager? No, not at all. I was really angry.
Why were you angry? Oh, I was mad at everything. I just felt like my world was small, even though I had no valid reason. I have an amazing family. I grew up in a nice, warm, safe home. I did not want for much except for like beauty and popularity, but because those things seemed very unobtainable and like it felt like a secret code that I couldn't figure out. So then I felt like, well, fuck this, I'm going to I don't know.
I immersed myself in like drama club and theater stuff. And that was that which were not popular activities. My sister was always the knockout. She's older than me. She had these amazing big lips in this butt and boobs. And as far back as I can remember, she just was always just so striking to people. And so when we're in school together, people would just look at her and we kind of looked similar. So then they'd kind of see me, but I wouldn't get any of that attention, which I liked.
I saw the way that people were fawning over her and it probably has a little sister. It made me really defensive and I didn't want anyone to look at me like that. And I think that she probably didn't feel as strongly as I did about it. Maybe she even liked it. I know we've never really talked about it, but I just know from kind of like being behind her sometimes actually watching it, like in school, you're going to your class and there's my big sister up ahead.
And I could just see all the guys like turning, looking at her. And she was always so self-assured and so self-confident and she was always popular because she was just like such a bad ass. You just was this girl who just played by her own rules. She, like, dyed her hair blonde when nobody else was doing that. She did, like, really cool things that always made people gravitate towards her. And because of that, I think that I got that immediate kind of spillover popularity because there's like, oh, you're Saruman sister.
Yeah. So I didn't really have to I mean, it wasn't that I was immediate popularity, but it was an immediate recognition that this is my sister. And it's not that it gave me more friends at all. It gave me an anchor, made me feel like I was safe in some ways. But I think it's because I had my sister there with me and my other siblings as well, but specifically my my older sister, Sarah, because she was so confident.
But I also got to see how she was so fond over or her sexuality that made me not want that attention at all.
Olivia, you're so stunning as you talk. About your older sister, like part of me is like, what the fuck is she talking about? Like going to the house and beautiful lips and what the fuck? Well, that's very sweet. Sweet, especially coming from another woman. But growing up, I was more, say, tomboyish. I was just she looked like an adult at like 12. You know, that's the difference. But her self-confidence was always so strong and she always amazed me how she just always had such a strong sense of self.
I remember there was this group of girls when I was in eighth grade. I believe they just they didn't like me and they were really mean to me and they would always threaten to beat me up. And so I would start to take these really circuitous routes to get to my class. And I would never see them if I could help, but I would just keep avoiding them. And one day I was walking into the gym locker rooms and I come around a corner and I see one of the girls.
And so I kind of fall back. I know that my sister's in there, too, because I could hear her voice and I heard one of the girls say to my sister, Hey, we don't like your sister. And she said, OK. And they said, yeah, we don't like her and we don't want her at our school. And she was like, OK. And then she turned around and walked away. And I remember chasing after going like, I can't believe you didn't stand up for me.
I can't believe you didn't say more. And she was like, hold on. Are those the girls that are threatening you all the time? And I said, Yeah, she was. Are they the reason that you are late to all your classes? Like, yeah. So like, do these girls know who you are. Said No. It's like do they know you, are they your friends. Like no. That doesn't matter who they are or what they think of you.
So don't you ever let me see somebody make you feel that small ever again. She's like because I will kick your ass myself if that ever happens again. And I was like much more afraid of my sister than any other girl. And it was something that really that's kind of.
Yeah, I defined things for me a lot then, because when my sister was just saying, OK, OK, to these girls, what I wanted was for her to say, shut the hell up. And what she taught me in that moment was people as ignorant as that. They don't deserve an explanation, just like let them say whatever they want to say and walk away because they don't deserve any of your time. And it was tough. But you we pushed I mean, I end up having to fight those girls.
Oh, God. Such trauma. Yeah, I remember I got in trouble, went to the principal's office for getting the fight and they called my mom to the office and the assistant principal was telling her what happened. My mom said, do those girls punch my daughter? She said, yeah, she goes then good. I'm glad those girls are bleeding. So let's go and walked out there.
And I know it's like you're not supposed to condone physical violence or you're supposed to be able to use your words, but sometimes words just don't work. And so, you know, I'm so grateful to my mom for making me do martial arts since I was a kid, because I had much more of an awareness of how to protect myself in that moment.
Oh, completely. What do you do with your kid?
Are there ever bullies at school with him? Not that I know of, unless unless it's him.
Oh, I remember when we hung out and he wanted to play veterinarian you just the sweetest little little guy.
He's been calling me dude lately.
OK, what is a trait you dislike in others entitlement without any work behind it? When people just think that they deserve it simply because they did a little bit or because they exist. That drives me crazy and probably tied for first is hypocrisy. Like I just have such a problem with people who say one thing and do another or, you know, the people who stand on the platform preaching one thing. But then behind the scenes, you and I know in Hollywood the real deal that probably affects me on a more daily basis than the entitlement thing.
The entitlement thing is just we get that all over the world by being in Hollywood and knowing the truth about people and that the image they portray and then the image that the public accepts of them can be really frustrating. Yes, really frustrating. Because you think because everybody says that they stand for something, they want to stand for something more and you want like the good guys to win. But how many of the good guys are good guys and girls?
It's not like just using the term good guys. How many of the bad guys keep falling up? Know? And I think that's what bothers me probably on a on a daily basis. What about you? What's the trait you hate the most?
You know, no one ever turns it around for me. Well, I think calling you dude, I'm just kidding. I think maybe an underestimation and you're right about, like, hypocrisy. We are in an industry where it feels like I'm constantly searching around in terms of like with my representation or anybody that I really work with, of looking for honesty, looking for solidity in, you know what? I look for advice. I don't. When people underestimate or people treat me with a degree of preciousness, but that's kind of Hollywood specific, I think all of these things I'm sure I'm guilty of at times.
I can't think of any examples, of course, but I think I probably know what traits I dislike in myself, maybe a little bit more.
But yours. Unless you want me to go first, you can go first. I don't know.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about how negligent I am in relationships, how I inadvertently hurt people's feelings by just not getting back to them, not sending like a gift or like not being available because I want to take a bath or, you know, just shit like that, OK.
So what is it you dislike in yourself?
I procrastinate so much. I read this article years ago. I think it was The New York Times talking about how procrastination is connected to OCD.
I've had OCD in the past, but it makes sense because usually you think OCD makes you really high functioning and you complete all your projects, everything you do. But procrastination is so closely tied to OCD and they say because say you have to you're going to clean your room and you're like, OK, on Saturday, I'm going to get up and I'm clean my room. And then Saturday comes around and then it's like 10 a.m. You're like, you know what?
I think I might have a nice big breakfast and kind of hang out in the noon. I'm going to start cleaning and then noon comes around. You go, you know what? I'm gonna go take a walk out. I can actually come back at four and then I don't have the whole night to do it. Then you come back and forth, you're like, you know what? I'm going to eat dinner the night I'm missing the whole night just doing it.
And before you know it, it's 10 p.m. and you're like you've given yourself two hours to do the whole thing. And then clearly you can't get it done in two hours. So the perfection can't be achieved because OCD is like that. Perfection is never really something that you can achieve. So then when you procrastinate, you're basically giving yourself no opportunity to make it perfect. So that way, you know, if you have the whole day, there is no excuse but to make it perfect.
But if you just keep procrastinating and give yourself just a small little window to get it done, perfection is impossible to achieve. So it kind of goes hand in hand, if that makes sense. Yes. And I find it profoundly depressing because I can completely relate to the scenario you just described.
I'm like right now I've got these strips to go through and it just will it will just be really difficult for me to kind of get my mind around just sitting and doing it and looking at this page and making notes. And it's really difficult. And I probably give myself a lot more anxiety. I'm working on that a lot more just because I had to realize how much more stress I give myself on the other side. Like, I don't have like a big team of people around me to get stuff done.
It's really just me and I have an assistant who helps me, but that's basically it. So I don't have, like producers and social media managers and did and all these things around me to, like, make sure I'm at the right place at the right time and doing all the stuff. It's really all on me. So I've been trying to figure it out for myself. During quarantine, I started organizing my house in a way that makes it so easy to keep it maintained in an organized way.
So then when things are organized, you look nice and it makes me just more motivated. So I just allowed myself the time to do that.
So yeah, procrastinations really bad one, but I can get riled up.
I have to really stop myself. When I hear that someone has been wronged, I immediately want to just say something or tweet something or before we were going to talk today I was thinking about how ferociously loyal you are. Are you stand up for what you believe in, you stand up for other people. And that's something that I really admire. And I must go, of course, hand in hand with a deep sense of empathy. I'm sure that's a beautiful quality.
Well, that means so much to hear that from you. Thank you for saying that, because it's something that I do pride myself on as being someone that people know that you can trust me and that if I'm in your life that you have my loyalty. It's really important to me. The thing is, when I say I can get riled up, like being loyal, wanting to defend people, those are good qualities. But the problem is that if you can get riled up, then like for me, the past few years, like me, to movement in connecting with a lot of science breakers and wanting them to feel like they've been seen and heard, because a lot of the silence breakers are not the A-list names that we see on red carpets or in the Times and the sounds, because the people who have created this metoo movement and made all of this possible and I end up communicating with so many of them and I get very riled up and then kind of dizzy from feeling like I don't know what to do about the injustice that's happened to them.
And I can sometimes not think clearly because it will spin me into a place where I will get depressed or just kind of shut down in a way. So, yeah, that makes sense. It totally makes sense. Is that a negative? No, I have so many things on myself. I wish I was more motivated to work out more. I wish I got up and loved putting makeup. Bond and social media has made me think about myself and I'm like, why am I not getting up every day?
And like, full glam and then videotape? I mean, people are doing this and they're having so much fun doing it. It looks like and I just I wish I just got up and was like full glam and I knew how to do my hair because it seems like people who do that live a pretty happy life. I mean, I know that it's social media, but still, I wish that I had that motivation, Olivia.
I don't know if I believe all of it, though. Maybe it's because I can't relate to it, because I tend to not really post super sunny pictures of, like, myself picking apples or whatever.
But I feel too messy to portray a very polished version of my own life. And I find it really intimidating. And that's why I also really avoid social media, because I don't know, it's not a perfect fit for me. I don't know, like early on when I joined Instagram, which was way later than anybody else. Me too. I found myself getting addicted to the likes and then I hated that part of me. Like, why am I like anything having that much control over me that I don't really, really love?
And just, you know, in me, the idea of I'm already looking for approval all the time in my life, then to have like sort of the instant like all the data there and no. Right. Yeah. No judgment. People who are awesome at it because I admire them. It just made me feel like, you know, how when you were like 17 or 18 or whatever, and you're looking at a ton of women's magazines all the time, and there's that feeling after you put them down or whatever, that there's a slight depression.
And it's like, why do I feel kind of bad? I feel like I need those things and like I need to be doing this or that.
At least that's how I felt. And it's a similar feeling of like I can't pinpoint it on social media. I can't pinpoint it on women's magazines. It just personally makes me down.
And like, I'm so annoyed with my own mirror, face, way, mirror, face. Yes. Like, I can't look in the mirror without making a weird pose.
Like a selfie face. Yeah. Yeah. Like pursing my lips out or like.
Yeah, a little more awake than I feel or whatever it is, which is clearly not, you know how I look all the time.
There's this, this great story about maybe getting the building wrong. But I believe it's the Gridiron Building in New York I believe. But I'm going to get some of the nuances wrong. So people who purchase the gridiron billing for one hundred million dollars and when they purchase it, they realize that a lot of people were complaining about how slow the elevators were. So they had all these different elevator companies come out to give them a bid on how much it would cost to update the elevator system.
And all the bids were like, it's going to be fifty million dollars to do a whole new elevator system. And they're like, that's crazy because we just spent X amount and we can't do that. And then they had this other elevator guy come in and then he said, OK, well, it's going to cost you like thirteen hundred dollars and like thirteen hundred dollars it everybody else is like fifty million. So yeah. So what we're going to do is we're not going to change your elevator system.
Instead we're going to put mirrors on every floor in between the elevator banks. People end up spending so much time looking at themselves, they don't even realize how much time they're waiting for the elevators to come up and down. And I believe to this day it hasn't been changed.
So it's not just you don't feel bad. I love that.
Well, you know, I think this is an unpopular opinion amongst people on social media. But when Instagram talked about hiding likes and trying that in different countries and also possibly hiding the number of followers you have, I believe I think that's really healthy. We can't take away social media and there's a lot of great things that come from social media. But to look at some of the elements about it, that can be detrimental to, I think just your psyche and stuff, I think was really great of them to talk about, then to try to put into practice and to see if it might work.
I know the big argument from people, especially influencers and people who make money off of it, was that they're like their numbers are, you know, that's what helps them get sponsors and stuff. But you can still show sponsors. You can you still have access to your numbers. You can still show that to somebody. It just doesn't become this marker that the rest of the world can see, which is nice because to me, it's like, do you have a blog?
Then it can just be your content. Whatever you're doing, it doesn't have this, like, marker number at the top of, like, how many other people are watching or looking at it. It just, you know, you can sell ads on it because that's how people create blogs and make money off of that. But there is this like number at the top going, this is how many clicks I got. And I feel like that's something that would be really beneficial for people if there just wasn't the number to compare yourself to other people.
I never really got into the game of how many likes or how many people followed because by the time I got into it, there are people who just have. An astronomical number, so you're like, oh, like, I'm not going to play that game, so I guess I'll just do it for the fun of it, but never for this other game that other people are doing it for. And I think that probably has helped my mental health more than anything.
And part of it is it makes me feel comfortably old, my obstinance towards it, like I'm the grumpy person who's like, I don't even know what they're doing. Hey, Olivia, what is your favorite rainy day movie?
Mm. I don't know if I would have a favorite one because I think it's whatever is on TV and it's usually Forrest Gump or Castaway. Those are great. Yeah. But like whenever it's rainy I put on TV, I don't put on a movie specifically because I don't like the beginning of having to start. Like it feels like you're like, OK, we're sitting in and we're watching this movie. I like to find something that's already playing on TV, even if there's commercials or whatever, and just kind of feel like I've just kind of joined that movie.
So it's probably like a Forrest Gump. Do you have a favorite movie? Favorite movie? I actually had to write because I get asked this and like, pressed up. I never really have the answer because I feel like it always switches around.
Yeah, I know it's a tough question because it's like, well, there are movies that I admire that I never want to see again. There's also movies where, like, you say them and you're like, OK, like if I say Harold and Maude, which is one of my favorites, that's a great one, especially in Hollywood. It's a cool hanser. But then and then there's other ones that like that are still cool, like Lars and the real girl.
It's more current or not, I guess that current for other people. But it's not as old as Harold and Maude. And I love that movie and they're very different. And then I love, like office space and I love Back to the Future. Those are good comforting movies. They are, but it's really hard to know. Like what a favorite favorite movie. What's your favorite movie? I know it's true.
This is why I get to ask you if you're like, stop turning it on me, you know, but I'm a sucker for romantic. Like I even though I view myself as a somewhat cynical person, I love like Bridget Jones's Diary and about movie and like about a boy is great. Yeah. And I love Forrest Gump, too. You know, Tom Hanks is when you're feeling ill. He Orascom physically and he's the man to turn to. Yeah.
I would love it if you said Scary Movie four.
Can I ask it again. Hey, Olivia, what is your favorite movie? Uh, gosh, my favorite movie.
There's a lot, but I would probably say Scary Movie four is probably my number one favorite movie.
What about Scary Movie two? Did you like that one as well?
Scary Movie two is my third favorite movie. Scary Movie. One is my second favorite.
Oh, good, good. What's your favorite scene in Scary Movie four?
My favorite scene in Scary Movie four is that scene where you get scared on this episode of Unqualified is brought to you in part by Aubert's Tre Dashers are all birds new high performance running shoe. But I wear mine even when I'm not running. To be clear, I don't really run unless I'm late somewhere on rare occasions. Maybe I'll take a long walk. But I love the look of these shoes and I love how comfortable they are, so I pretty much wear them all the time.
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What was your first boss like? Oh, she's awesome. My first real job was at the Burger King on Yokota Air Base in Japan. I was wearing my skater pants during that time and she said, you look like you like to wear your clothes all the baggy.
Are you going to give you, like, some baggy your pants? You know, for the uniform? I just thought I was like, the nicest thing that she wasn't trying to force me into this, like, buttoned up kind of Burger King uniform.
What talent or ability would you most like to have? I wish I could sing. OK, what qualities do you look for in a friend? Loyalty. Someone who always sees the bright side on things, someone who can just hang out and watch TV, someone who doesn't need to be constantly photographing and videoing everything to put on social media.
You know those friends, right? You're like, oh, my God, all the sudden I'm doing something just for us. And all of a sudden you're videoing me and it's on your stories.
What qualities do you look for in a romantic partner, somebody that's just loyal and fun to be around and smart and has their own job that they are really passionate about? You know, not like that. They're just doing something to get by, but like something that they have a really big passion for, even if they're making money or not. They like to do game nights and hang out and they love animals and they're really loyal.
Do you have a favorite book or author? Well, my favorite book is a book called Replay, which is by this author named Ken Grimwood.
On what occasion do you lie?
When I have to save someone's feelings, but very rarely. Even then, I will most likely tell the truth because I feel like the truth is so much better. I think it hurts someone more just to not tell them the truth.
What about when you told me that scary movie for I was your favorite movie? OK, all right. Well, this is a tougher one.
To whom would you most like to apologize and why?
That's a great. When I was in college, my grandmother, she collapsed in the middle of the night four a.m. and I heard my grandfather calling out to her and I had to go and call nine one one and on the call with nine one one, they told me that I may need to administer CPR. And in that moment I froze and I was too afraid to. And then I said, oh, no, maybe she's just like breathing funny or snoring, or maybe she fell asleep.
But in that moment, I was wasn't deliberately lying. I just I was so afraid that I was just hoping that it was that and not something more. I would go back and she had a passing away and those were her final moments. That was probably the very small window that I had to to bring her back. But I didn't. And I froze instead. And I would go back and apologize to not only her, but to my grandfather as well for her for not doing more.
But it's one of those things where you hope you look back.
Yeah. Do you think, of course, that I wish I had just done things differently in moments of trauma? I feel that I step up when I need to, you know, but ever since then, whenever something happens like that was the worst case scenario to me is to lose somebody that I love so much. And so I was at the airport last year and this woman started having a seizure right in front of me. And I immediately knew to clear the area.
We're getting, I guess, just kind of go into a mode of just trying to help. And so it's kind of like learn on the other side how to be always aware and present in case something happens. Because that moment was such a defining moment for me, realizing that when I needed to step up the most, I, I was too afraid to and I just never wanted to be like that again.
That's kind of beautiful things. I don't know if a lot of people get get to that place in life, OK, who would you call if you got food poisoning and couldn't really move her? The question behind the question is, who can you count on that comforts you?
Well, one of my best friends is a nurse. I've known her since I was 13. And so whenever anything is going on in my life, she's someone I talk to. But I'm very lucky. I have a lot of close girlfriends that I've been friends with for years that I can kind of go to them for anything. But her name is Corrine and Corrine is probably the one I go to for any kind of medical thing and emotional thing. Who would you invite to your dream dinner party?
I would invite my grandma and my grandpa and I invite my well, truthfully, it'd probably be just my family. I know that sounds crazy because people think of, like, all the most amazing people in the world you can be with and talk to. But like I think especially during quarantine, it's made me I mean, my family's always been close. But really, if I can just have a really great dinner with my family, there's nobody else I'd really need to be there.
OK, Dealbreakers, Olivia Munn, are you ready? I'm ready. OK, you just have a great first date in a nice restaurant. As he's driving you home. He mentions that he tipped the valet fifty dollars.
That's a deal breaker because why are you telling me exactly?
It's like, why are you telling me?
Just do it. My thought would be like, so then if you didn't have somebody to tell that to, then you probably wouldn't have tipped him fifty dollars.
I think so too, unless there was something really charming like, oh God, I thought I gave him a five dollar bill and it turns out I gave him a fifty and that's yeah.
That, that is cute. I'd like the honesty with that.
Oh OK. Let's see. While watching a documentary on Flat Earthrise, he turns to you and casually mentions that it shouldn't really matter if the earth is round or flat when.
I think that would be so entertaining, it would be an ultimate deal breaker, but I want to talk to that person for the rest of the night. Yeah, for sure. You know what?
Here's how I imagined this person imagined him being like, yeah, baby, you know what's wrong with living on the edge, you know?
I'll tell you, I dated conspiracy theorist once for a few years. Who at the beginning. Once for a few years.
Yeah. Keep going. And I, I remember it was early on. It was like two months in. And he said the craziest thing to me. It's so crazy that I can't it'd be triggering if I said it out loud and I was like, I can't date you, I can't. And then he broke down crying and was like, give me another chance. I remember just thinking, well, maybe he's just been kind of sheltered for a lot of his life, even though he seems like, you know, he's successful and he's got some stuff going.
But then I realized, like, you know, too far into it. And I was like, oh, those are some big red flags. You know, I'm all for a conspiracy theory and trying to understand things that seem like they are more duplicitous in ways. But sometimes they're like the earth is flat, that whole thing or what this guy said. And he would then continue to say other stuff. You're just like, oh, man, I can't.
It's like a conspiracy theorist. I just can't do that's just not my jam. Not saying that there's not a place for them in the world. They're just not next to me.
OK, you're in a long distance relationship with someone whose house you've never been to. When you finally visit him for the first time, you discover he sleeps in a bunk bed.
Oh. Either great, can I have some follow up questions for you totally. Yeah, OK. Is there any roommates? No. And does he only sleep on one of the bunk beds? Yes. The top. And does he have a regular job? Yeah.
And he works for the National Park Service. He's a ranger. Oh my gosh. A Ranger. That sounds fun. OK. Yeah. And he has a bunk bed. And is it the top bunk or the bottom bunk.
The top. The top that seem to be fun. Yeah it is fun but it is like 18 inches away from the ceiling. Hmm. It's you know, the roof is a little low and the bunk bed is high.
And does he have any problems with not sleeping? Is it a deal breaker for him that we always sleep on the top bunk?
He definitely prefers it. He has whatever the opposite of vertigo is, he likes he enjoys heights. In fact, he doesn't have a ladder to get up there. He has a roof. This guy sounds like an American ninja warrior in my head. He's a park ranger who has a rope that he climbs up to his top bunk of his bed. I would say that is not a deal breaker for me, but I like weird things like that. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I don't have to sleep, but if he can sleep in it, I can sleep on the bottom bunk and you can have sex and other places besides like the bed that you sleep in. So that's what makes him feel good and that's how he wants to sleep. You know, when I first moved to L.A., I lived in a studio apartment. It was in a building of townhouses. Then mine was on the end and I had to climb up into my bunk at night.
And underneath the bunk was my couch and then faced out to the TV. But like, I slept in a bed that I basically had. If I could sit, I could sit up in it, but I had a hunch over. So I did that. I was an adult doing that. It was just a big space saver. I like a bunk bed. OK, OK.
After watching a National Geographic documentary on the origins of Man, your partner announces that he wants to eat more meat. He fills your fridge with beef, chicken and pork and starts grilling every day. After cooking you dinner one night, he tells you that the chicken was really squirrel and he wants to compete on the survival show alone with him.
Let's just break it down, because the show alone, which I have seen and I do like you, have to be alone.
I can't compete with him the next season. They're doing a couples version. Oh, great. Yeah, well, I'd say not cool for tricking me about squirrel meat. And I am really allergic to mosquito bites, so I can't go on any kind of outdoor competitive show because they don't allow you to basically bring like your vitamin B one, which is great for keeping mosquitoes away or bug spray. So I can't be one of your ten items. I think it's pretty wasteful to break out of the ten items you can have to survive.
You're like and I brought my vitamin B one Olivia. This time alone, the couples are competing for thirty seven million dollars. Thirty seven million. Thirty seven million. You start with that buttermilk. I'm eating squirrel. Fine.
And he just wants to be alone with you in the woods. And he's like, baby, as long as I get to pick my five items, you pick your five. Bring all the vitamins you want, honey. Yeah. I love you. You can stay in bed, stay in my bunk bed. I'll build it for you. I'll go out and hunt.
Yeah, I definitely do that. Yeah, I'd compete. Why not.
I can hunker down pretty well too. I can just like kind of sit around and do nothing.
I know you're a ferocious competitor. I wouldn't want to play game night with you. Huh. Do you like game night. No. Oh you don't know.
I like a friendly game night, but one of my worst nights in Hollywood was at an actress's house for game night. And I was so in over my head, I just cried.
And there are those groups I know in the Hollywood group where they all play their game. They're running charades and they're all the crazy stuff, or they do the mafia one. I think that when you're talking about maybe it's just it's really intense. And I don't know how people do it because sometimes they're like just really famous people. That's super distracting. Yeah, yeah.
I fundamentally feel like I don't belong anywhere, certainly not Hollywood, but then a Hollywood game night.
I mean, I really would rather be like on day 96 alone in the fucking Arctic than I think relive that night. OK, is there a moment in your career or personal life that you're most proud of?
I mean, yeah, there's love at first one comes to mind just because you said professional so that, like, hit me more that I think just my time on the newsroom, there's like been nothing that has compare to that, which is unfortunate because that ended in two thousand fourteen.
So six years ago.
But I just I loved being able to work with Aaron Sorkin and that cast and with people, HBO and that character. And nothing really has compared.
It was such a. Great show, and you were so great on it. How many seasons was it? It was three seasons. It was like two and a half. Kind of like Aaron Sorkin had decided to leave at the end of the second season that he didn't want to do any more. He was kind of burnt out, not that he didn't want to say, but it was just really taxing on it because he wrote every single episode himself.
So and then we decide to come back for just six episodes for the third season to kind of round out the stories.
But that was it in one word. How would you like to be remembered? I don't know. One word is so hard.
I know when I think about this question, I think, like, I wish other people could answer it for me. Mm hmm. And I would hope they would say, like generous or kind or whatever. But I do have a fantasy of somebody saying remarkable. That was just remarkable, wasn't she? No one use that word enough. People should use that word more often.
When I think about you, I really do think about loyalty, especially in this town and in this time right now, I think it's a tough quality to come by in somebody. And I think that's really amazing.
Well, I appreciate that it's a character trait that I value a lot and other people completely. You know, when there was rumors that Chris and I were dating and I had known you and since you were married. So to me, that is like a loyalty that you can't break, especially like woman to woman. And when those rumors were out there, I just wanted to reach out to you personally because I didn't know if you care. Like I said in the text, I if you cared or didn't care.
But I just thought that if there was a small chance that it hurt your feelings in any way, I wanted you to know that it wasn't true.
I was, like, bummed that you weren't going to be my sister.
I know, sister. Why I. No, no, no. I thought that was so sweet and classy of you. But I'm not possessive. I think in that particular way I'm possessive and loyal in different ways. But to me, the idea of controlling somebody is love life or feeling an ownership of something like I don't have claim over anymore feels incorrect. And I've also have a kind of a little bit of a weird ability, I think, which I don't know if it's a great thing, but when something is over for me, it's usually been over for quite a long time.
Mm hmm. When a decision has been made, I'm usually quite comfortable with I feel like emotionally reconcile myself with that idea. Well, that's great.
I think that's why it's in the small chance that it is something that you would seen.
It was bothering you just in the fact that, like, I think it was close after. I can't really remember now. But I think that the timing of the rumors coming out that Chris and I were dating was not that far from your separation being announced.
So and we had separated, as you probably know, like a bit before then. Before that. Yeah. So I just didn't want it to feel like it was more just to clear the air just in case. But, you know, it's funny because when those rumors first started happening, my publicist would call me and I'd say, like, you know, ignore it, you ignore it. And then finally he called me one day and he said, OK, so we're getting calls from like People magazine and US Weekly and like the big ones.
And they all have confirmed sources saying that you and you and Chris Pratt were at Craig's last night. And I was like, but I wasn't at Craggs. And I I messaged Chris on Twitter, I think, or Instagram, I can't remember.
And I was like, So who's this Olivia Munn lookalike you've been hanging out with? And he responds back. He's like my publicist said, Were you at Craggs with Olivia Munn last night? And I was like, Who's Craig? And Chris said, So if you hypothetically, if your best friend, whoever your best girlfriend is that you've been best friends for ten years or something, if she started dating your ex husband, would that bother you?
I suppose if I found out her tab for a dear friend of mine did, there was some hookups involved with another dude that I was with that I didn't find out about until later. And I was angry for a few years.
Wait, there's a friend who had hooked up with an ex of yours?
Yeah, well, my ex and I were together. There's a friend of yours who your boyfriend at the time cheated on you with. Yeah. Yeah. And are you still friends with this person? Yes. Oh wait onna. Oh well no, no, it's a long it was a long journey for sure.
Which podcast do I need to list. Which I have to go back and listen. I had to do.
You didn't find out until we had broken up and she and I were so close and then it became I think kind of an excuse for me to. We really furious with both of them when truly I was so excited to get out of that relationship like it was a great way for me, a very valid way for me to hang my hat on, like feeling furious with two people in my life. But I missed her. I would think about like if I ever ran into her, like I was going to take her down or whatever.
And then when I eventually did, which was on an airplane, which was very odd, we just like sobbed in each other's arms. Hmm. She was like, I miss you. I'm so sorry. I was like, I missed you, too, which was a reaction that I had never fantasized about having. And it felt so good. Now we're we're really close and I love her. And part of it was helpful that I didn't have feelings for my ex, you know, that my heartbreak in the affair that they had was much more missing her than him.
Well, you know, it's an interesting thing to when you're saying, like, you got really ferocious in a lot of that anger. But sometimes I found in my history, when I look back, I've gotten mad about something, but truthfully, honest to God, in my head, I was like, I'm not that mad, but I'm kind of acting out.
I'm supposed to be mad because you did this to me or you cheated on me or you did this or I'm acting out. But really, I don't want this anyways. I think I'm I'm supposed to be outraged and upset and then and everyone's supposed to be feeling, like, horrible of what they did. But really, I'm like, oh, yeah, it's not that I don't really care. And it's funny how I actually kind of like seeing myself from above, kind of like looking down, being like, why are you doing this?
You don't really care. And I'm like, yeah, I know, but I got to keep doing the motions of caring.
It was such a perfect way for me to own that story and like for me to be able to say to my friends and family, yeah, you know, we broke up, can you believe this? And, you know, like, it was a way for me to keep all the chips, you know? And I'm sure that my ex had a lot of complaints about me.
Well, it's also shows that you have a lot of compassion. You know, that you are not marking your friend by the acts that she did during this period of your life, that you see her for so much more than that. And I think that says a lot about you, because it's really difficult, I think, to sometimes see situations that could be hurtful to you as anything more than just that specific moment in time. And the fact that you can now be such close friends and put that together says a lot.
And also, I think I don't know if you're still friends with the guy. Are you still friends with the guy at all? Mm. No. So I think a lot of times and I it's a really big disappointment, but you know in situations like this that happen, the girls get the boot and the guys get a second chance. And I just think it's a really unfair result a lot of times. So it's really great that this friend of yours got a second chance because a lot of times we don't want to give up to the women.
Oh, I missed her so much. And it felt terrible to live with anger that was out of love and missed her, you know, and we were kids.
Oh, my God. We were just so stupid. We were like having stupid parties in a dingy apartment for like three years or whatever, like many of the things that we don't care about anymore.
Yeah, yeah. I feel like, wow, I really didn't care.
I really don't you know, I have this expression that I tell myself a lot of times is like, just get there. Now, if I'm ever sad about something, I think back to all the other times I'm like, well, you know, you'll eventually get over it. So just like think about it, spend, you know, a little bit of time, not as much as you'd want or would naturally go into, but just spend a little bit and then just get there now because you don't want to waste all this extra time eventually getting there, because we can just drag out a lot of emotions and sadness and frustration and hold onto that anger.
And at the end of day, oh, that's just a lot of wasted time and I'm going to eventually get over it. So let me just buckle down and think about it. Be sad for talk to therapist, talk to my friends, really like get into it and then make a decision to just see life differently, change things to my brain and just keep moving because we can lose a lot of time just not letting things go that we eventually will let go.
Yeah, I so subscribe to that idea. I like to look at it as almost like a selfishness, like I just don't want to be feeling those things inside. I don't want to be like something nine away at me. But I don't know, I guess that's the plan.
Well, we just keep trying, you know. Do you have a favorite joke? Do you have a joke up your sleeve?
There's only one that I remember. What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take me a minute to get hard. I just came out of this chick. That's kind of my only it's you know, it's podcast friendly, but not anywhere else friendly. Maybe same podcast from me. Olivia, I can't thank you enough, thank you so much. Olivia, thank you so much. Take care. Bye bye.
Hey, everyone, I would like to introduce you to world renowned clinical psychologist, educator and sex coach Dr Patty Britton. If you want more of Dr Paddy, you can find her at Dr Paddy Britton. Dotcom links can be found in our show notes. Hi, Dr. Paddy Britton, thank you so much for joining us today. I am so excited about being here. I'm thrilled to have you.
We're going to call Nicole, OK? Hello. Hi, Nicole. Hi, Nicole, you're here with me on it and Dr. Patte, Britain. Hi, Nicole. Hello. Will you tell us what's happening?
Yeah. OK, so for quite a while now, I've known that I was into BDM, but I've never talked about it to anyone, including my partner. It's really hard for me to get around any other way. And I've always thought that there was something wrong with me because of it. In addition, I'm really self-conscious, so that doesn't help. So I've been with my partner for about three years now, starting this month and only about a month ago, I finally told him he's always known that I had a low sex drive, but ever since I told him, we've actually had really good sex, probably the best ever.
And he tells me he enjoys it. But I still can't help feeling like I should be able to be aroused during normal sex and to be able to have romantic sex, even though he says he's into it. I still just can't help feeling like defective and embarrassed and I don't know.
Well, Nicole, I want Dr. Patty to explain to us a few different things.
But I want you to know, Nicole, I really love submission just to ease your nerves a little bit.
It can be really fucking hot. Dr. Patty, will you give us a brief definition of BDM?
Sure. And, Nicole, I want you to know that you're not alone. That's the first thing I want to say to you is that there are millions of people on planet Earth who are kinky. And that's what that's what you are. And it's, for many people, a natural part of who you are as a sexual person. So I'll deconstruct for a second what BDM means, because it actually means three different things and we don't really think of it that way.
But it means bondage and discipline, dominance and submission and sadomasochism. And I don't really know what it is that you enjoy, but maybe we can dive into that a little bit and find out what is it about Buddhism that gets you going?
I guess it's the bondage part and the big dominated. I don't think I'm really into being the dominant.
Is it the physical part of it, like the fact that you're restrained? Yeah. Well, what happens? Tell me a little bit more. What do you like?
Well, usually it's when both of us are either tipsy or, you know, a little drunk. Usually when I start to get a little frisky, OK, and we do in the bedroom, the first time we did it, he used a belt because we didn't really know what to do. Yeah. And then after a couple more times of trying different things, we have a lot of bungee cords because we go floating in the river. And so we use that and like kind of tied my hands above my head and tied to the bed frame and gagged me like anyway.
And we also use literal sucker during sex as well. OK, so he's really just kind of takes the reins and I just kind of lay back and let it happen.
Well, it sounds so beautiful because, you know, this fact that you can let go in this way is part of what's making it work for you. Yeah. And I really trust him. Yeah, I can tell.
And, you know, I have a pretty strong feeling about what you're doing. And it sounds as though as long as you've talked about it with him and you have negotiated what's OK and what's not OK and you have a safe word, you know, about the safe word.
Yeah, we haven't really talked about it because I don't think I'd be able to use one if I was.
No, but you can signal you could have like if I tap my hand three times, that means stop or two times means yellow, red, yellow, green light type thing right here.
At one point I shook my head because the bungee cords were cutting off my circulation and he got so sick.
This is really good that you did that. I'm really happy to hear that because you're alive today. But, you know, here's the thing.
I have a bias as a sexologist, and my bias is that if you're going to be playing with the DSM with bondage, especially if you're going to be restrained from being able to talk like with a gag or a ball gag or something that's covering your ability to talk. And as long as you can breathe, you know, that's the key. You want to stay alive and well. It's really important to kind of know what you're doing. And part of the whole protocol and BDM, as you may know, is.
Pretty well structured, so it starts with communication, you kind of have a contract verbally, you negotiate what's OK, what's not OK, you talk about how do you signal when it's yellow light? Like, I'm not sure, you know, like my neck is getting pretty tight and you don't want to restrict any of my my breathing ability or anything on the neck that could really harm you because, you know, that's the danger zone. So I think it's really important if the two of you continue to play this way, which it sounds like is working, that you really frame it with consent, negotiation and stop words are a safe word.
Yeah. And also, are you a part of life? Do you belong to that?
No, we really just started trying it out. I never delved into it except occasionally porn. But this is the first time I'm actually kind of getting into it.
Good. So, you know, you may want to kind of go into Phet life dotcom and play around to learn more.
The more you know, the more fun you're going to have and the more you're going to let go of this feeling that you have of embarrassment or what you said. It really touched me when you said it that you feel defective. You're not defective, it's kind of like it's your orientation, like without this part of you expressing herself, you don't get off, you don't turn on even, right?
Yeah. And I also just I want to be able to have sex without that, you know, sometimes and just like be with each other. Yeah. And it's sometimes it's just hard for me to get around, but I guess sometimes I just need to, you know, do it for him, not just for me as well.
Well, yes. You know, sometimes we do a service act for our partner, right?
Yeah. But, you know, to give to someone that you care about is an act of love or service.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
But, you know, I have this feeling, Nicole, that part of what you could do is the mind is a very powerful tool and the brain actually doesn't know the difference between what we imagine or what we do. Do you know that it's kind of cool science? So if you were to imagine being tied up, being restrained with a belt, being tied to the bed, having something in your mouth, maybe an eye guard on, I love that you use that.
I call them clit suckers.
There's no line of women's sex toys, of pleasure products, like really.
And I gotta tell you more, but, you know, we as females really enjoy having clitoral stimulation. We know that. And these things are really powerful little vacuum devices. And they're not really vacuum, but they feel like it and they like it in our clit, which is very arousing. And so maybe you could tone it down when you don't feel like going all the way to a kind of bondage experience and maybe just have him hold your hands above your head, you know what I'm saying?
Like like do some of the things without the tools or the accessories, like a belt or a rope, because you have to be careful if you're going to play with those. Yeah.
Do you mean both physically, Dr. Pattee and emotionally? Yes. It's a combination of the sensation. When you restrain sensation when you're in bondage, something really amazing happens. It's weird. It's like the opposite of what you'd expect. So your body is being tightened and you can't move parts of your body and it frees you. You feel free inside. So the more you restrain, if you're oriented this way, the freer you feel. And when you feel free, you can even have one and be the same as referred to sometimes as flying where you're almost like flying out of your body.
You feel so good, which is also what happens for some people, that orgasm, right?
Yeah, it's it's almost as if it cuts off my other senses and that's what I can focus on. Yeah.
And I do have questions I do for you, Dr. Patti, because I love to be at times I love to role.
I don't know if that's because I'm an actor, but I love to do like professor, you know, and student who needs an A or you know, I love to play ski lodge with a group of friends, even though it's just Michael and myself, of course. And the power went out whatever. Like I like to mentally escape sometimes like that, but I do like sometimes to be dominant and sometimes I like to be submissive. I do sometimes love like a light spanking or like, you know, a little tie up.
And I do feel maybe as women we feel an obligation to analyze these things more in terms of is this stemming from a societal guilt and maybe it shouldn't be examined too much. I know we only have a few minutes.
Dr. Petit, you're smiling at me like, OK, this is a lot. OK, can you like in, you know, all of advocation a study in two minutes? Yes. No, but I'll give it a stab. So here's the thing. We get off when we're denied something. So there's something about like if you take my side away, my hearing's going to be stronger, it's going to be more acute. And we enjoy change and variety.
That's what stimulates the brain and the dopamine in our brain. That's what turns us on and that's what keeps us excited. You're talking about role play, which is actually part of BDM, interestingly enough, because we're playing with what we call erotic power. It's an erotic power exchange. So you can imagine the school teacher, the school marm with the ruler and the naughty little boy who's in the classroom acting out right here in giggles and out, and there's energy in that.
And even if we just change the way we talk and I say to you, you are being bad. Sit down, little girl, OK? You feel something, right?
And that's part of running an erotic energy.
And the power exchange is what makes it work. So I think lots of us come from an experience of enjoying playing sex should be about play. It's not work. I don't know about whether women analyze more. I certainly know a lot of men who analyze as much as women do. So I don't know if it's gender based, but I think that we process a lot more and we get much more concerned about how people think about us than boys and girls.
I guess my question to you also, Dr. Pattee, is, should some of these things be analyzed? Like, do I need to think about, oh, like, you know, the guilt that I had, like losing my virginity when my parents didn't want me to, you know, like, I don't want to go to those places. Is there validity in that idea of just simply not having to examine what delights us?
Absolutely. And here's the thing. Unless it's distressing you and you're obsessing about it, just accept it. It's who you are. It's how you are is what I want to say to Unicol is that this is how you are. It's kind of how you're wired. That's what an orientation means. So when you're wired in this way, don't judge it, don't feel embarrassed, don't analyze it, don't pathologies it, don't make it a disease or a disorder, which is what psychology tends to do about a lot of things that may be just plain natural, just being human.
And as a sex doc, we really normalize. That's the word that I like to use a lot of things that might be looked at by people who are either my clients or other professionals who are like, oh, you mean this person is into, oh, is there something wrong with that? What happened in their childhood as a trauma?
You know, sometimes I need to go, right? Yes. I love that philosophy.
So just be and accept it and enjoy life is short. We're learning that, aren't we? We got to live in this moment and enjoy and find the pleasure in it. Pleasure is a really important part of all of this. Yeah.
Nicole, does your partner really enjoy it as well?
Yeah, he said at first he was kind of nervous because he'd never done it before, which neither had I. But he said I think during it, I think he enjoys himself more than he lets on. But yeah, I think he does. And I'm excited to maybe try some role play.
And, you know, the more you have fun with it, the more elaborate you become with it, like costuming and you plan for and you, you, you set your bedroom in a different way or when the world opens up and you can there are play spaces in the world where you can go and explore theme rooms, for example, where maybe there is a school room or maybe there's a medical examination room or court room. You know, all of this stuff stimulates us so that we can be creative and enjoy each other in different ways.
But the thing that I really want to say again to you, sweetie, is that it's very important that you learn how to do these things, because when you are playing with a belt or ropes or restricting your breathing with a gag over your mouth, if somehow something were to slip and your nose is covered, then your breath is at risk. Right. So you want to make sure you understand what the etiquette is for BDM. And I guess that's why I'm suggesting checkout fit life, because one of the cool things that happens all around the world is that there are groups that get together in local areas called Munchers, and I'm sure they're all online now, which a munch is like a lunch meeting where you meet other gangsters and you don't do anything.
You just get to know each other and you talk about things and there are a lot of classes that are available for you. So so just be safe, but also be be playful about it.
Nicole, I love being a high end call girl that doesn't speak English.
I love it, especially during quarantine.
It's been really fun to like where some of my nicer things because.
And what is your name.
Oh it's usually like a Svetlana's kind of thing, you know, it's got to be Eastern Europeans.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is good I. Or no, I like escaping in that world, and I'm not always as brave, I think I don't know as people would maybe assume, I guess because I act for a living. But, of course, like sexuality is its own different realm of vulnerability and exposure. So I think, I don't know, maybe 60 to 70 percent of the time.
I like to feel slightly helpless and like like I was suggesting I don't necessarily want to link that to the guilt that I have being an American woman who's, you know, 43, raised with like slut, was heard every day, all the time growing up as something you did not want to be.
So I carry those things with me, but I love being at a place in my life where I can have a much, I think, a much healthier attitude towards sex. It feels great to feel really safe. And I get supply for Michael sitting right over there.
He's like, oh, know, you're fine. Right.
But Nicole, when you wrote in your email feeling embarrassed, I think that is totally normal.
Dr. Patty, would you agree?
Well, it's something new that you're expressing that you haven't before. And we live in a kind of society that teaches us to feel ashamed. Right. I think shame is even more dramatic than embarrassment. Do you feel any of that, Nicole? I don't know.
I guess it's hard because I suffer from anxiety and it's hard to really tell the difference sometimes. So I try to work, you know, bit by bit in different ways. Yeah, well, I think you're doing really well and I think that the more you give yourself permission to explore this and to express this part of you, the more you're going to feel more confident as a woman. I know that, actually.
And it's going to it's going to leak over into other parts of your life because, you know, it's funny when we change our sexual patterns, which to me is the core of our self, those patterns are like circles in the stream when you throw a rock into the stream or the river and it just has a ripple effect.
Dr. Patti, what a great correlation to make between like having a healthy, happy, exciting sex life. Of course, that permeates through the rest of your life, maybe in ways that we can't even really recognize, I guess.
Yeah, I love that idea. I love the idea that if I get spanked, then somehow I'll be more confident. That's what you're saying, right?
Hey, I can take a spanking. I'll bet you. Right. I got about it.
And I guess the other thing I want to say to Unicol is that BDM really has become mainstreamed thanks to 50 Shades of Grey. And whether we like 50 Shades of Grey as art or not doesn't really matter. It change the conversation. So there's a lot more acceptance. One of the top films on Netflix today, guess what is about BDM relationship? So, you know, you can feel part of a really large circle of people who are normal and just naturally expressing who they are.
You get to do that.
Thank you. I really appreciate the insight. And I really needed that stone tossed into my my river to create those ripples.
And Dr. Petit, don't you think that probably with most couples, I would think that Nicole's partner I mean, in a healthy, happy relationship, he must be delighted. But I would think that if your partner is happy, if you can please your partner, that must be very gratifying. I would think yes.
And he's always wanted to make sure when we do have sex that I have enjoyed myself and that I have either orgasm or whatever. But he always makes sure that, like, I am taken care of and that, like always just makes me feel so appreciated and loved.
Absolutely. He's a keeper.
If this is like new territory for both of you, I think just having trust and in close companionship, I am sure must be essential. Dr. Patti, what do you think?
OK, so let me break this down quickly. If you have, as you wrote about it, a fetish, we'll call it, which it isn't really a fetish. Fetish is usually about an object, you know, like a foot fetish or a latex fetish.
But if you need with big air quotes around it, a BDM kind of relationship to ignite your sex drive because you said you've had a low sex drive, you've had the best sex ever since telling him and experiencing this, then this is an important part of you. If you had a partner who couldn't go there, I don't know that you could sustain your sexual connection together. I really don't. So you have something really important happening here and it's opening you both up.
The other thing is that men tend to get off from watching their partner be satisfied. And so there's something very classic about that. He sees you happy sexually. He sees you with that clit sucker going on with your arms above your head, with your mouth restrained and you're loving it and your body is responsive and you're in it and it's happening and it's working. He gets off from that because he's a male and because he cares about you. He's generous.
He's a generous lover. And that's really what all lovers should be as generous with their partner. Dr. Patty.
It sounds like Nicole has a wonderful partner, but I love the idea that if you do want to experiment or, like, dive into BDM world, that it's done safely with communication.
So first of all, the basis of all relationships and we know this today pretty strongly from the Metoo movement, has to be consent. So it's adults in consent. And one of the themes that I want to say out loud is that your body belongs to you, and if you get a feeling that this is not working for me, you have a right to stop whatever is going on. And it isn't for everyone. BDM is not vanilla, as we used to call it.
It's not a flavor that the majority likes. It's a specialty flavor of ice cream. And if that's the flavor you enjoy or you want to try it, great. But learn how to be safe. This is my main message. Safety first. That means learning how these things work. You don't want to do harm to the body. You're playing with fire in some ways literally invidious. And so you need to be careful about things like restraining too tight around where blood might flow.
You want to be careful about spanking on bone or where you can harm or injure somebody in a delicate, vulnerable part of their body. You always want to be careful about restraining the ability to breathe, breath, play. There are things called edge play that are there danger zones. Now, here's the thing. When you're terrified, you're also excited the physiology of both of the same. So people who play with these edges and BDM are having excitement building, but they've contained it ahead of time.
They've had a conversation about it. They've made boundaries around it like it's OK if we do this, but not that that's not OK. And there's always the right in the middle of a scene. That's what we call an act in a scene to use your safe word, your stop word, you're red light or your yellow light like, oh, this is it's too tight. I lead trainings around the world, live trainings when the world is open and teach people in sexology how to explore different parts of being a sexual person, including BDM.
I have experts come in and sometimes we have experts in what's called shibari roleplay. It's a Japanese form of rope play on the body. It's a form of restraint. It's very beautiful. It's very quiet, it's very slow. But it can bind parts of the body to the point where circulation stops. The person who is the top, the DOM, the person administering this has to know how to read the submissive, the person they're tying so that everyone is safe.
It's like a big picture frame and safety is that picture frame. And whatever is OK within that picture frame between two consenting adults is fine. And it can be very, very, very extensive and intense, or it could be light and fluffy and playful. So safety first is really the big issue here. Does that answer it? Yes, I think so.
What was that website you said? You're going to be very interested in this, that life.
I'm just writing it down, that's all. And it's global.
There are millions and millions of people who it's the Facebook for cannisters is what it's called lovingly Kinki people. I like it. Yeah. So Nicole, one other idea I have for you is maybe lighten up on drinking if you're going to be playing with BDM. OK, if you went to a BDM play space like a club or they're called dungeons often wherever you live. And this for everybody listening, there actually is no alcohol on the premises or it's not recommended that people who play actually drink at all or alter their consciousness with substance because you're going to go through a lot of changes in your own brain.
Your body is really going to give you the highs. So you don't really need that. That's the inhibitor and sometimes we need that when we're starting something new. So I think that was a good choice at the time. But I think you and your partner are on the road to something exquisite together. I like that.
Dr. Patti. Something exquisite. I think that's wonderful. And Nicole, I can give you my list of characters that you can borrow any time.
Hey, Nicole, truly, thank you for opening up to us and talking about something that is obviously very personal. And I know that we're going to get a lot of response now.
Thank you as well. I feel very hurt and I feel supported and thank you so much.
I want to say thank you for being so real and so courageous to share. Thank you. Thank you, sweetie. Thanks, Nicole.
Okay. Thank you so much. Bye bye. Dr Patty. Thank you so much. Your advice is invaluable and I just love talking with you. Thank you. It was my pleasure. Bye bye. Bye bye. Hey, dear listeners, please check out our new website at Unqualified Dotcom and please send us your questions.