Hey, everyone, today's guest is Paris Hilton, who I first met when I was new to Hollywood. It's been about 15 years since I last saw her and I still feel the same sense of wonder I had then. Her new documentary, this is Paris, shows a side of her that no one has ever seen. I don't want to say too much, but it was not at all what I expected. You can find. This is Paris on her YouTube channel.
After the interview, I'm joined once again by world renowned clinical sexologist, educator and sex coach Dr. Paddy Britton, who has some advice for how to keep that spark alive in a relationship, especially during quarantine. But first, here's Paris.
Ladies and gentlemen, you are listening to Unqualified with your host unifiers. Hi, my love. Oh, my God, my heart is racing right now, I'm really nervous. Why? You know, I think anybody who encounters you, they would be like so full of shit if they didn't admit that.
I think it's because you are larger than life. Oh, thank you, man. Wouldn't you pay attention to somebody?
It feels like the sun is shining on you.
Oh, yes. But then when you turn away, it's like, oh, man, it's overcast. I love you. How are you?
How is everything really going OK? Yeah. Crazy times. Yeah. I was really blown away by your documentary Thingiverse, which comes out September 14th, right? Yes. I was thinking about my encounters with you. Can I share a memory? Yeah. I think the first time I met you, I was invited over to your house by Jake Bailey, who was a brilliant makeup artist. And from what I remember of that night, I don't know if you remember this night.
You probably. I remember. You do.
Yes. Actually have photos from that night of us are really cute. Really? Oh, yeah. Please do. Oh my God.
I bet I'm just like kind of scared, but I like you. But I remember you were so kind walking into your house and it was incredibly glamorous and there were all these beautiful people around. And from my memory, you grabbed my hand and took me upstairs to your bedroom. And I didn't really know anybody there. And I felt like, holy shit, I'm getting picked.
We went up into your room. You did my makeup.
I remember it was like the most surreal night of my life.
It's so fun. I love that house. Was so much fun back in the day or so many fun memories, but I totally remember.
And you showed me your closet. It's just as amazing as you can imagine. Yeah.
That was like truly a magical night for me. Oh, I'm so happy that you came here after I told my parents, which I never told them anything about my early Hollywood days.
But anyway, I was like, I think Paris Hilton is my best friend.
That's who you are to my family.
Paris, my mom, she was like, oh, honey, we have to get Paris to Edmands. Edmans is where I grew up. Yes. My mom is determined to teach you how to make a pie crust.
Oh, I love that you. I love to cook. So that'd be fun. So Paris, shall I book your plane ticket. Yeah. OK, let's do this. I'll let my mom.
And then there was another night in a club and I was so happy to see you and I had to pee and you were like, I know this other bathroom is.
We went through the kitchen. You were like saying hi to all the staff.
Yeah, I always know all the secrets, but I like that you have that side to you.
And I love that your documentary really reveals those things. Yes, definitely.
The first time I revealed I think that you have something about you, though, that is very, I think, human and vulnerable about you, that through all the beauty people can see, which is a pretty incredible thing.
I think I'm going to cry. I love you, too. Did you cry during the movie? Yes, I did. Do you get that a lot with your friends that have seen it? Yes, I did. A lot of people know about your journey. No.
One, I never talked about it with my family, my friends, my sister, my boyfriends. No one was the first time.
How long did it take to film the entire documentary? Around a year and a half.
And did you know that the story would end up where it did?
No, that was not the original plan at all. The film was originally just supposed to be about my life being a businesswoman, you know, all the fun parts. I never thought I would ever reveal the secrets or really go that deep or really be myself. I thought I was just going to continue playing the character. But during this film, I just got so close with the director. She was just so amazing and made me feel so comfortable where I felt like I could tell her anything for you.
Maybe like the first forty minutes. It's so much glamour and this completely unimaginable life. And then the shift is like, holy fuck. So was that about six months in when you were starting to be vulnerable to a camera and a film crew that you trusted that kind of asked you? To take a deeper dive into things, yeah, I think it was about seven months into filming, the director and I had just formed this really close relationship. I was traveling I was on a tour traveling around Europe and Asia, and then I was in Korea and I had just been working nonstop and was on no sleep and just feeling just physically and emotionally exhausted and having severe nightmares.
And all of a sudden, I just started opening up to her about what I had went through and these traumatic experiences. And then she just kept pushing me to ask more and more. But I kind of didn't feel comfortable, like I don't want to say this on camera. I don't want this as part of my story. I want people to know. And she convinced me to tell my story like, this is who you are. This is real.
I want people to know why you are, how you are and what happened to you in your life, because it's something that's really serious. And then I finally felt brave enough to come forward with my whole story. Well, it's amazing. A lot of times on podcasts, like I'll talk about my high school reunion, you know, and like whatever that experience was, which was mundane.
But I think you didn't have anything close to like a high school graduation or a prom or any of the typical experiences that most of us have.
No, I did not get to experience any of that, which makes me sad, too, because I look at movies or see my friends and just seeing all the memories of people, like having a graduation, going to the prom and just doing all the things that a normal teenager does. And to have missed out on that, it bums me out because I wish I could go back and be able to do all of that. Paris wasn't all that great.
So I want to talk intimately with you because your documentary is so intimate.
I would think that your high guard must, of course, be rooted in that massive trauma. And I don't want you to have to get into relationships if you don't want to talk about that at all.
Really? Yeah. OK, are you in a relationship now?
Yes. Amazing relationship. The best one ever. I didn't know that it was possible to feel this way or be so happy. And I feel so safe. So good. Yes. How long have you been with this person?
We've known each other for 15 years. Oh, that's nice. Yes, we've been friends for a long time. And then this Thanksgiving, I went to go visit my family in the Hamptons and we got invited over to their house for Thanksgiving lunch and then for dinner again. And ever since then, we have just been inseparable and it's just amazing. How did you guys meet? We met 15 years ago at the same house that you went to, the Kings Road house that I used to live on at one of my epic parties.
And ever since then, we just were friends and then reconnected again Thanksgiving.
Did you guys have like a flirty text thing for 15 years? We just would see each other around. But then as soon as we were in the Hamptons and had our first kiss, then we were just texting back and forth and then we were just inseparable where we literally not spent a night apart since then. Do you guys have clam bakes in the Hamptons? In the Hamptons? Yes. Does that involve, like, digging a big hole and sticking a bunch of clams in them?
I don't do that part, but I'm sure someone does. I just eat them. But yeah, we do that. We do like s'mores on the beach. It's fun. I love the Hamptons.
OK, I'm going to ask you a couple of questions, if you don't mind. Sure. OK, what is a trait you dislike in others?
I don't like when people are rude to other people or liars. I hate liars.
I have a question on here, which is on what occasion do you lie that I ask everybody? And I was thinking about that question in regards to you and I felt like I don't think Paris really lies.
No, I'm very open. I'm not a liar. I think the only thing I would lie about is to not hurt someone's feelings. Like if somebody asked me something and I knew it would make them sad or make them feel insecure, then I would just, you know, like a little white lie. No big deal. But I don't lie about big things.
It does feel like your life is so large you don't eat with your life is already kind of unbelievable. Yeah.
All right. What is a trait you dislike in yourself?
I hate that I'm shy. I think from what I went through, I got like socially awkward sometimes. So just being shy and feeling that way, I hate that feeling. Can I ask you, do you feel shy right now a little bit, because I always feel shy. I do too.
OK, what qualities do you look for in a romantic partner?
Loyalty, someone who can make me laugh and someone who is my best friend and handsome as a brownie point, I guess. Yeah. What is your greatest extravagance? I love cars. I'm like a tomboy. I love, like, fast cars. So what's your favorite car? I have this car called the SLED Mobile, and it's the new BMW i8 convertible. And I had it wrapped in this amazing holographic.
It literally looks like a mermaid unicorn skin. It's really cool.
Well, that sounds amazing. And I love the idea of you cruising around the Hamptons in that.
Do you like to drive or do you like to ride? I love to drive. Yeah, I do, too. I'm not quite sure if I'm the best driver, but I sure do.
Like I say that like secretively, like the cops are right around the corner. Is it OK to whom would you most like to apologize and why?
I'm trying to think No. One I just I really can't think of anyone. I feel like I've always been so kind and good to people, even when I shouldn't have been. So I don't know. I can't really think of anyone I would apologize to because I don't ever do anything to hurt people's feelings. I'm very sensitive about all that.
Paris that is the fucking raddest answer I've ever heard. Oh, that's true. That's amazing. Yes.
OK, if you could live anywhere in the world for a year, where would it be?
London. I love London. It's one of my favorite cities in the world. What do you laugh about it? Everything is the people, the food, the shopping, the vibe, the architecture. Just it's one of my favorite places. I used to actually live there for six months and I really loved it.
But what about the weather? The weather can be brutal sometimes, so. I think if it had L.A., whether I would live there full time, yeah, I love London, too.
OK, what qualities do you look for in a friend, someone trustworthy who has good intentions, who wants to be my friend for the right reasons, and someone who's fun to hang out with and has good energy and again, can make me laugh because I love laughing.
OK, Paris, I'm going to dive back into like L.A. memories during those times like that night for me, I probably was twenty three or twenty four and it was mind blowing for me in kind of just the beauty and like truly the Hollywood ness of it. But I imagine you have never had that experience because that has been your life at a pretty young age, right. Like 14 or 15.
Yes. Is there anything that can blow your mind? Have you had like in I don't know, in the last decade something that has amazed you?
I feel that I've just lived so many lifetimes because I've done so many things and so many amazing places and just I've seen it all.
But nothing really excites me anymore because I feel like I've just seen everything and more think one of the things that blew my mind was for one of my anniversaries as my boyfriend. I celebrate every single month and he always just comes up with something super romantic. And recently he set up like this whole movie theater outside at the house, like on the balcony. And it was just like this huge screen. And he knows I love Marilyn Monroe and I've never seen any of her movies.
So he had that. And just like presents and flowers and candles. And it just I'm not used to guys doing romantic things for me because I just never have had the time and I was never with the right person. So just to have someone do something so special for me every month is just like blows my mind what he does. Are you guys able to quarantine together?
Yes. Oh, that's great. Yeah.
And you guys are so in love after what?
It's now nine months. We just had our nine month anniversary. Congratulations, Paris. Yeah. So this pandemic is been really scary and really hard, but like to see the silver lining and the fact that we've been able to spend so much time together, I haven't had to travel and just becoming so close. I feel like this pandemic is either like a make or break situation with relationships. I've seen so many people break up or get divorced and then I've seen other couples just become so close because of it.
Paris, could you name like four or five of your most valued items like sentiment or whatever, however you want to define that. Like if you only could take five items if a fire came your way, I would take my iPhones because obviously I love my phones.
I need them. And my twenty first birthday dress, which is like the iconic sparkly, beautiful dress that I love. And I would take like my like I have these really amazing boots from Phillipi and they're all crystalised. And I love I know it's pretty random.
I know it's just impractical. Yeah. All right.
Look, I need my twenty first birthday dress and now I've run out of the fire in style.
OK, Perez, who would you invite to your dream dinner party?
I would invite Marilyn Monroe, Princess Diana and Snoop Dogg. And you, Paris. Thank you.
The first person who's asked me. Yes. Well, I would love to come to your dinner party.
You pretty lit, but you did pick two tragic ladies there at the top.
I just I love them. I've always just been obsessed with Marilyn and Princess Diana. Just think that there are such legends and such amazing women. But there's tragedy in both of them in every still you see of either of them, you can see like a little pain behind that.
I can relate to that.
I know he's doing press in Madrid for the house bunny. And this woman, she was telling me that I had a lot of sadness behind my eyes and asking me to talk about that. I will never forget it.
And I'm really grateful for it, actually, because it felt, you know, I've been doing press for the house bunny. So it was like sorority's.
It's a whole different thing in America. I don't remember what I said.
But I do think that that's what makes you fascinating, too, because I think that your appeal was sort of rooted in that on some level. We recognized you were playing a character on The Simple Life. At what point did you recognize that you wanted to identify it like that?
I developed that character like back when I was a teenager. I think it was almost like a mask to hide behind. And then when I did the show, I knew that was the character that I was going to put on and I was going to portray. But I didn't know that the show would be such a huge success and I would have to continue playing that character year after year. So I kind of just got, you know, almost like stuck in the character where I sometimes even forgot who I was myself because I just was so nonstop and always having to be on and always playing it all the time.
So you kind of get like lost in it and caught up in it. And somehow, I don't know, I just kind of forgot who I was.
Are you still close with people that you were really close with 10 years ago? Yeah, not everybody. Because you kind of learn about people and see that they're not good people. So I've cut out a lot of people from my life, but the good ones I kept.
How large is your circle of friends? Not large.
Mine is like right here. Like I have like a million acquaintances and then I have a very tight group of friends because I just don't trust people. And it's hard for me to open up, especially, I think just from being so busy and focusing so much on my business and my work and having to be on a plane 250 days out of the year. It's hard to maintain friendships and really build trusting relationships when you're never there.
Most of us experience a lot of loneliness, but I kind of get the idea that you experience it to a more extreme degree. Yeah, it does seem like a lonely lifestyle, definitely, you know, just having to travel and constantly just be surrounded by strangers in foreign countries. And I've been doing this for so long, so it's been very, very lonely, even though I was always surrounded by so many people, I still felt alone because I didn't know anyone.
So, yeah, it's been hard.
Paris, for some reason, it was never easy for me to make friends with other women. I don't know if you are the same way, like are most of your friends like females. But I know what you mean.
Like I do find it hard sometimes to be friends with some girls because you can't trust them. And there's a lot of especially in this town, a lot of girls who like to backstab and just talk behind your back. Yeah, it's a hard thing I let people in, but I really am careful about it.
Yeah. So Paris, what is the closest you've felt to anonymity in like 20 years or your lifetime?
Never really feel that way. I think sometimes when I do feel that way is when I'm in like full on disguise, like I've even like went out at times with, like, prosthetics, really. It doesn't even look like me at all just to go to Disneyland or somewhere and not. Have to, you know, basically be doing a meet and greet the whole time, because I feel like anytime I go to one of those places, I just people are lining up and then I'm just taking photos the whole time, which I don't mind.
I love being nice to people and making people's day and making people smile. But when I go to Disneyland and places like that, I want to go on the rides and just like be normal.
I love the idea that we've hopefully just planted into our listeners heads that you could be anywhere. Yes, Paris could be anywhere.
That boldy man behind the cash register, that could be Paris. You don't know. OK, could you handle being in a boat alone for a month?
I could handle anything because I've been through it all. But being on a boat for a month alone would just be. So boring, I could deal with it, but I would be really bored, especially if I had no fun. There's something that's like wonderfully twisted about that.
If I ask most people, they would be like, no, I think I might go crazy after week two.
You're just like once again, I don't have to apologize to anybody. And yeah, give me six months on a boat off.
I can take it on holidays.
All right. Here's something that we talk about in our podcast a little bit. The idea of love in your teens is something different, because I complain a lot about the idea that we only have one word for love when it's this whole, you know, spectrum of feelings. But do you believe that love in your teens is different from the love in your twenties? I think when you're a teen, it's completely different from when you're more mature, because when you're a teen, everything is so new to you.
So you're just more naive and open to it and excited about it. And that I feel like when you go through things and break ups and, you know, maybe abusive relationships, there's so many things that can happen that kind of strip that away from you or the love that you felt back then. You won't feel as much anymore because you close yourself off from love because of going through certain things and personal experience.
That's how I think when we first in love, when I was 16, I thought I was in love because it was like my first boyfriend. But I think it was just me being a kid. I fell into that trap, too. Oh, my God, but it sure felt like love, it was dizzying, like I couldn't, like, focus on anything else.
First love, OK, when or where were you happiest? Now. Right now with me. Yes, all of you. Oh, great.
Oh, jeez. I just I'm so happy. These past few months has just been the best time of my life. My relationship is what makes me so happy because I'm just not used to feeling like this.
Yeah, OK. Paris, what's your favorite ice cream flavor?
I have lots, but my most favorite is cookies and cream.
That's a pretty frequent one, but a lot of the boys do vanilla. It's so boring.
Well, they like to add toppings, which I think is sort of indicative of our culture when you're just making your own kind of ice cream. I love doing that, too. I literally order like a big cup of just like the smushed up like Butterfinger and then another. Come on. Just like the hot butterscotch caramel. And I just basically eat out alone with a spoon. It's so good. Do you have an irrational fear? Yeah.
The one thing I'm scared of is death because I don't know what happens. Why? Because if there's nothing that would be so boring.
Boredom, that's your biggest fear. You mentioned it on the boat. All right. We're putting this together. I hate being bored. Oh, God, no.
I'm really nervous again. Am I boring? You really? Like, this is going to haunt me tonight?
OK, who would you call if you got food poisoning and couldn't really move my mom, she would probably know what to do.
Would you come over? Yes, we're super close. All right. So you can handle being alone, but you can't handle boredom.
I can handle it. I just don't enjoy it. I just like to be entertained and have fun. All right. What's your favorite rainy day movie I love? There's something about Mary. I just think that movie is so hilarious. I love Ben Stiller. It's such a fun movie. It's so hilarious.
OK, what haven't you taken the time to learn about foreign languages?
I went to Louisiana, also to Los Angeles, and we had to speak French. And because I've never used it after that, I just completely forgot it. And I just think it's such a shame being named Paris and not being able to speak French. So that's one thing. Do you want me to hook you up with the French tutor? Sure.
We why do I have this feeling that I feel like you wouldn't take the Zoome classes that I signed you up for?
I have to. Boys like Paris.
How do you imagine your life if let's say at age nine, your parents were taking you to see the train station in downtown Los Angeles and you hopped on a train and you ended up like with no identity in, let's say, Omaha and this nice family took you in? And who would you be, do you think that you would be like, I don't know, manager at the Q and like, head cheerleader?
Yeah, I would be like the head cheerleader and then I would be like a veterinarian or an artist painting Piers.
I don't think so.
No way. You're like my biggest fear is boredom. Yeah, true. I, I would think that you'd be like, well, I wouldn't fucking stay above the New York. Yeah, that's true.
I thought you meant if I had to stay there. No, no. Yeah. I would get the hell out of there and go to New York or L.A..
And by the way, you mentioned, I think or I think your mom mentions that you wanted to be a veterinarian. Yes. OK, I know how much you love animals you always have and you're closer to animals than you are to people, except I think I'm the exception.
But I don't see you as a veterinarian. If your most exciting thing is removing like a lean from somebody old cat like that sounds brutal.
I'm just not only boring, but just gross and hard.
So when we talk about your alternate life, I think we really have to visualize that. It's like just dogging about, you know, an impossibility. Yeah, you're right.
I agree. Just cause you're an animal lover does not mean you want to be the. No, it doesn't.
Suit. OK, did you play with Barbies growing up? Yes, I still collect them. Where are they, your most favorite toy?
Yeah, I was a tomboy so I liked other types of toys as well. But like what other types? Just like video games. And I don't know. I've always collected like figurines and just different anime characters and Sailor Moon. I always love Barbie.
Wait, did you ever do anything perverse with your Barbies? I got to an age where I had heard of the concept of whorehouses, so I started making like a Barbie whorehouse, you know, and I would have like the male customers come in, I dress up the little rooms or whatever.
But how old were you? Maybe around 11 or something. You didn't do anything like that.
Come on. No, I've never heard anyone do anything like that. Mean even more exciting friends.
And I should have been hanging out with you when I was little. Yeah. I would have taken you to the docks. Yeah. Oh yeah. We also used to play Barbie murder mystery. So you didn't do that either? No, I would just dress them up. And that was about it. No kidding.
Did you cut their hair? Yeah, when I was very little. I, like, cut all the hair off of some of them. Oh, that's mean.
Did you do that to your sisters, too? One time I cut Nikki's bangs off and she was like two years old, I think, because it was like the new baby and I was jealous. So I, like, literally cut off her bangs and my mom was so pissed. What other things have you done to your sister? Um, come on. Come on. As she was more of the mean one because she would always tell on me.
So Nikki was always like the good one.
And then you're like a mob boss. Yeah, like because she's a rat. She's worse. Yes. Paris Hilton is a.. Whistleblower.
Yeah. Like what else?
She was actually always acted like the big sister. Like she was always the one who was the boss, like in charge and would always tell me what to do.
We have this relationship where I've always looked up to her as like my big sister. She's always been the one who's been more mature. Do you still believe that? Yes. But did that quality make you mad? You know how like sometimes one sibling is, like, perceived to be good and responsible and the other one isn't and they kind of feed into that identity. Yeah. So you were solid in, like, being like the bad one?
No, we never like nothing bad is about like we never got into a fight, nothing like that. I think the only thing I was annoyed was when I was little like a teenager. Nicky would always love to tattletale to my parents, so that would just make me annoyed.
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Hey, Paris, for what historical figure would you start a fan club for historical the.
Marilyn. Yes. What do you think you love about her? I don't know something about her is she's very special and just her photos are just so iconic and timeless. And after watching more of her films now and like a documentary on her, just seeing how much she went through and just how strong she was, just her whole story, it's just very fascinating.
Paris, are you still really close with your director of the documentary? Yes. I want to ask you dumb things like how have you changed? But I would hate it if somebody asked me that because I don't even know if one can have perspective on that accurately. But have you changed?
Definitely. I feel like I changed in so many ways because I honestly didn't even know who I truly was up until this past year with doing this film. So I just learned so much about myself. And I think just from going what I went through, I just tried to just bury my emotions. So just like letting that all out was a very therapeutic experience.
Paris, what's your favorite holiday? Halloween. I love Halloween so much. I love dressing up. I'm so sad that probably not going to be Halloween this year. This is like I live for Halloween, like sometimes like seven to 10 days of just amazing parties dressing up in different costumes every single night. I just. I love it.
Paris. I hate Halloween. How do you hate it?
I hate it because I kind of feel like I dress up for a living. So if there's a little bit of a chore factor.
But the bigger issue is dressing up in something sexy makes me uncomfortable on a base level. But then if I don't if I look really unattractive and do something funny or clever, you think it's going well for like 15 minutes and then you're just jealous of all the other girls that look hot.
I've never done a funny costume or any of that, so I don't even know how that feels like it's not great.
Yes, that's hilarious. Yeah, I, I don't know. I feel like Halloween is like the ultimate excuse to just dress as sexy as possible and get away with it.
Yeah. I think you've just summed up like my fundamental like uncomfortable association of God with a holiday.
OK, when do you feel your most independent?
When I'm skydiving. I love to skydive. I've been six times Paris. You've given me the most amazing answers.
If you like all of my questions. I've never been skydiving.
It's incredible. You know, earlier when I asked you about fear, do you have any irrational fears like this? I you know, I mean, death feels pretty rational.
Oh, like irrational. And I'm pretty fearless. I've always been a daredevil, like, jumping out of a plane that many times. And just things I do, I feel that I I've been through so much that nothing really scares me. OK, but what about these? I hate these. I don't know anyone who likes bees.
Maybe beekeepers will get honey out of them, but I guess you know how opposites attract. I really like these watch, right? You're not scared of them?
No, no, I'm. Have you been stung? Yeah. And you like them? I like bees so much that when I was a kid, I ordered in the mail a bumble bee nests like a hole, like wooden container. And you have to find like wild mouse nesting to attract the queen bumble bee when she comes out of hibernation in the spring, but.
OK, what about if you're a rustling or a shadow in the backyard, you would be terrified, right? If someone was in the backyard, you know, one time a couple of years ago, this man was like four thirty in the morning. And I could just hear this loud banging. And I went downstairs and there was this man in my backyard which was banging on my windows to my living room and just trying to get in Paris.
What did you do? I was freaking out and my boyfriend at the time was with me, thank God. And he had a gun. So he went outside and put the gun to the guy's head. And I called the police and they took like an hour to come. And then the police came and they talk to him. And I was standing there and he he said, I just escaped from a mental institution. I went to Hollywood Boulevard. I bought a star map.
I saw Paris Hilton's name. I know that she has a lot of money. So I was going to come here and kill her. And he just said it like it was a normal thing. So that was terrifying.
Yeah. Yeah, that's awful. Yeah, pretty scary. But thank God that I woke up and he didn't just come in because I don't think I would be here today otherwise.
Do you find that it's hard to like when you are out in public. Do you tend to always look down because making eye contact means engagement.
Yeah, I get shy if I know the person that I can, but usually I feel like so many people are always looking at me. But if I look up and I catch the ones, I just I get immediately really shy.
I used to live by Hollywood and Highland and if I wandered around there, I found that people wouldn't recognize me at all. Even there were a ton of tourists. There's so many other things to look at.
And I'm like, why isn't angry me? I don't know if I would describe you as shy. I would almost describe you as this ethereal alien.
Yes, I love that ethereal.
Like, where do I fit in with these humanoids?
Yeah, I think I might be an alien. I cracked you open, didn't I? Yes, I knew it. Paris, Paris. In one word. How would you like to be remembered?
Kind. Oh, I love that in Paris. I really love your documentary. Thank you. It's unbelievably powerful.
It goes to this beautiful place and I can't thank you enough for doing this with me. I really do appreciate it. Thank you.
And I miss you. I and I love you. I love you. And thank you for making me feel like a cool girl.
And I love you. You're so fucking awesome.
All right. All right. Bye, darling. Bye. Hey, everyone, I'm excited to have Dr. Patte Britain back with more straightforward and uninhibited advice on ways to improve our sex lives.
If you want more of Dr. Paddy, you can find her at Dr. Paddy Britton. Dotcom links can be found in our show notes. Dr. Pattee, thank you so much for joining us again, you are invaluable. I'm enjoying it immensely. We are going to call Ashley. Hello. Hi, Ashleigh, you're here with myself, honor, and Dr. Patty Britton. Hi. Hi. How are you guys? Oh, great. How are you? Good.
Ashleigh, thank you so much for doing this. Will you tell us what's going on?
Yeah, for sure. So my boyfriend and I have been together for over seven years now and we've always been like a very outgoing couple together where we go to lots of parties and we travel a lot for concerts or football games and stuff, which usually results in like a lot of sexy time, put it that way. And since covid started, I've noticed that physically that connection is kind of lulled a little bit because we've been around each other 24/7. We're not going anywhere.
We're not doing anything. And so I talk to my best friend about it and she's kind of in the same boat to the long term relationship. So we were just kind of wondering, like what some advice and to try and, like, reignite that physical connection when you're such close quarters all the time.
Oh, my gosh, Ashley, I love it that you asked this question because we are all there.
You are every person on Earth in a relationship. Well, yeah.
And I find, like, it's weird when you get in relationship that especially when they're long term, people don't necessarily talk about sex anymore and it's kind of taboo or it's just put in a negative light when really it's just like, what are you guys doing? But people don't really talk like that. So I was really looking forward to getting some more advice on that.
That's an interesting thing to say. But you're right, it's almost like when you're couple friends get to know you guys, you can't, like, spill the beans about your sex life as you once could in the beginning of a relationship.
Yes, for sure. Don't you? Patty, what do we do to have sex a lot these days? Well, this is the billion dollar question that's going on in bedrooms all over the world because so many people are cooped up with their once beloved.
I'm being a little sarcastic. And I mean, the lust goes away. The love is still there. I think that the love is easy to maintain, but the lust. The desire. Right. That kind of. I want her. I want him. I want them. And one of the things that you said is so important, which is that you used to change the context of where you spent time and you had adventures that took you out of kind of the normal living day to day in your environment.
Right. When you would go to a game where you go to concerts, you travel to a different city. And it's interesting, I just attended a webinar last week on male sexuality and it was really about couples. And he was really talking about how females are so context driven when it comes to turning on.
What do you mean? OK, so that what the setting is like is really a big part of it. And I think that what's happening for you and it's so common is it's kind of like, OK, same stuff, different day. And are you working at home, the two of you?
We were I just got to go ahead about a month ago to go back to work. So we've started to get a little bit of separation. But yeah, for about three or four months there. Yeah. Like he had upstairs. I had downstairs.
Exactly. So there's no room for longing. OK, and this is what's killing desire is that each of you is too available literally to available and you're suffocated. I hear it all the time from my clients and the students that I train who are doing the same kind of work. So you have to create a form of separation. And that's why when you travel, you're actually separating from day to day living together. And when one of you goes to work or one of you even goes to Trader Joe's to go shopping, you break that monotony of having each other around all the time because you can't want when you have what you want.
Does that make sense? For sure.
And I think in my context, too, is like I didn't mean it in like a negative way, but like, I enjoy missing the person that I'm with. Like, I enjoy that feeling of wanting to see them.
Yes. And you can't have that when there's no one to miss or nothing to miss. Exactly. I don't give you this really cool tool that might help you. A sex therapist named Jack Morron created this formula, and it's called the formula of Sexual Excitement and desire. OK, you want to hear it? Yes.
OK, it's really simple. You can write it down. E the letter E for excitement equals A so there has to be attraction. You guys already have attraction or you wouldn't be together, and here's the most important part. Plus P o for perceived obstacle. That's why you can't miss him. There's no obstacle and it's a perceived obstacle. This is why couples fight, by the way, because when they fight, what they create is an obstacle between them.
And then they have the best sex, makeup, sex. Right.
Dr. Patty, I was going to give Ashley the advice of, like, when she gets home from work, going to her bedroom wearing a really tiny skirt with no underwear and talking about how some made up dude was hitting on her at work.
Oh, man, I know. I kind of like that. Is that an example of a perceived obstacle?
Yes. And it could be real or imagined. OK, well, hopefully your partners knows exactly what you're up to.
So you just hit on another like a vein in this, you know, search for the gold. Right. Here's the other vein. Sexy comes from inside us. Sexy, not desire, not sexual, but feeling sexy is from the inside. And there's something that happens when we get sexy ourselves. And then we kind of strut parade around with our partner. And I think that you're on to something on a which is, first of all, separate yourself that separation.
That's the key here. Perceived obstacle equals separation. You create that by putting on something that makes you feel sexy. What makes you feel sexy? It's not sweat. So I'll bet.
No, and there's been a lot of that. Yep. Yes. You know the joke. What are those there called pants. That's what's happened in the world of zombie. But what makes you feel sexy? What kind of outfit would make you feel sexy? I'm a titty girl.
Yeah, I've been tits have always been my best features, so I'm always loka top.
Nice, by the way.
So what about a shelf raw? Is it bad if I don't know what that is, it holds the bottom of the breasts up, but they rest on it like a shell. So it's kind of a push up but open. And then one of my favorites is nipple jewelry. So nipple jewelry does two things. It's a visual for your partner and you in the mirror, right? Yeah. But here's this really physical science. What happens when we stimulate a nipple is the same lighting up the brain as when we stimulate the genitals.
The nipple connects to our sexual parts literally. Isn't that amazing? Yeah, they have these really cool they're called newses. So you can get these dangling nooses that go around the nipple and they have like a jewel hanging. Get them online. Just Google. Yes.
Can I tell you something that's happening right now, Dr. Petit? Oh, dear. What my partner Michael right now is looking up.
Nipple joke. Apparently we're on board. Are all of our customer base men approve that.
But the thing is, you take this little noose around your nipple, right.
And you tighten it. And so you're actually like pinching the nipple, which is creating a stimulation that goes right to your brain, just like you were having someone diddling your clitoris.
Imagine I am kind of doctor patting you.
People have orgasms with nipple stimulation alone. Some can, yes. Oh, wow. Yeah. Nipple stimulation. It depends on your unique body. For everybody who's listening, everybody is wired differently, literally wired with nerve cords. But the fact is that many, many males and females are aroused through nipple play and men can enjoy that, too. This is something that I think we as girls and women don't really think about that much.
You're right that in balls don't know what to do with them.
I'm always afraid they're going to hurt. Well, we don't want to harm them. They're very delicate to date. Yeah, OK. OK, good. Actually. Now wait a minute. Some men like a very hard squeeze. This is why you have to communicate with your partner because you have. To find out what your partner enjoys is there are some males who actually enjoy really hard ball play and some don't want touched at all. Some like you Turbit's I'd like you to lick or just squeeze or rub or tickle with the end of a nail.
All kinds of behaviors, but it depends on the body. So back to what would make you feel sexy. What else would make you feel sexy. Like high cut French lace thong panties.
Oh totally. Yeah. I'm a big fan. I love dressing up so I would definitely should probably definitely take some notes and incorporate more of that during this time for sure.
What about heels like high, high, high heel, you know, Lady Gaga kind of stuff. Oh gosh.
I would be more of a stocking versus the heel person if I was going for leg just because I am short and clumsy in heels.
OK, I don't know how you did it in the house, but oh my God, I can't tell you how many times I almost broke my neck. There's a couple of shots where I'm wobbling. I was about to go down, but actually I do love it that in this time I haven't had, like all of us, a reason to dress up at all. So it's really nice that it's oddly reserved for that. Like, I hate wearing heels in my daily life.
I hate it, but it has been so fun to wear some my pretty sexy heels. I only have to walk from the closet to the bedroom.
It's like seven feet. But that's been really fun and makes me feel very sexy.
I mean, that must be very common, right, Dr. Petit? That if you are wearing something like a thong or something that is constantly stimulating you a little bit, that's reminding you of your body. And for me, that feeling of power that heals give power and weakness all at the same time, that wonderful combination.
Well, I'm going to go one better. And that is to suggest that there are so many pleasure products on the market today. And some of them come from like ancient practices of what were called Benowa balls or little ball bearings or little objects that used to be put in the woman's vagina to constantly remind her and stimulate her so that she was constantly lubricated and ready for sex. So today's world of the sex toy generation has a lot of these products that are safe, that are made of either a medical grade silicone, which won't harm you or even carved stones.
You know, there are some really beautiful decorative kind of pleasure products, but if you wanted to do something really fun, you could wear some of these. They might be called a Kagel ball because they're also used to strengthen the Cagle's, which is the muscle that's the under girdle of our pelvic floor, the muscles. And so if you wore those, you would be stimulating yourself, just like you just sit on it and reminding your body all the time that you are there.
And that's part of keeping your body hot and wanting. That makes sense.
Yes, that's that's great. Yeah.
I think it's just like you get in those clumps, right. Yeah. Like the same, the same. The same. And you get not necessarily bored but your dormont is kind of the way I put it is like you forget about that stimulating pleasure and stuff that makes you feel sexy.
Yeah. Ashley, I'm so with you. I'm going to say one other thing that I hadn't said before that I want to really touch base on, because it's something I hear a lot from my clients around the world. And that is when I get a couple and there are new couple as clients of mine and they say we're not having sex, we're just not we're sexless and we don't touch anymore, but we're best friends. And I go, I'm so sorry to hear that.
And the reason I say that is I think it's great that a couple can be best friends, but it can be deadly to desire the other person as an erotic object. Now, that may sound weird because we're objectifying our partner, but we have to in a way, we have to separate and want that person and that person's body, mind, soul, whatever it is that you want. And that might help you as well to stop seeing each other as kind of family, good friends, best days.
But lovers, there's a different energy. When you show up as lovers.
Does that kind of relate back to what you were saying about when a couple fights that that tension can be sort of a Kickstarter?
Yes, anger is a really cool emotion. Most of the time we look at anger and relationships and we go, oh, no anger. But it's actually a really high energy emotion and it's a push away emotion. Anger goes out from us even if we don't express it. That's how we feel as I go to. Until a wall and anger is a way to create separation, but it has to then finish, you can't let anger fester or it'll kill a relationship.
So, yeah, it's like, you know, Pop, don't hold back, but finish the pop. And I think that fighting is a great way of building passion. Anger is passionate. And that's what you're lacking as well when you get settled, that kind of feeling of words. So settle, it's just not what you want to be sexual and hungry for each other.
I love the idea of Ashley making up a character named Sean Work. He just won't stop staring at her tits. And, you know, and it's just so frustrating that Sean's always like staring.
I might steal that from you. I hope that's not copyright.
Oh, yeah, actually. Yeah, yeah. I feel good because that's a perceived obstacle that you need to create the tension and the resistance and the separation. And it's totally made up, but it doesn't matter because the energy is real for sure.
I love the idea of a short skirt though. And like little kitten heels to no underwear or maybe a tiny thong.
Crotchless panties. Yeah.
And then you just have to be bending over all the time.
You need to be like Justin, you know, constantly dropping things. I can do that.
Yes. Yes. Totally. Definitely do that.
Ashley, thank you so much. This was really fun for me, too. You know, we're all in this together. It sounds like you're in a relationship that you love and facing the problem and have the courage to talk about the problem that most of us have. So I can't thank you enough. Yes, for sure.
You give me lots of ideas. Good. And just get out of the house at times, you know, safely. Go take a walk for an hour and be gone.
Yeah, I've been wearing sweats for the last six months too, but I love the idea of like wearing really tight shirts.
Again, just something that makes me aware of my own body so I can absorb sort of that feeling of my own sexuality, too. And you're right, Dr. Pattie, that sexuality comes from within. And can it be taught or does it have to do with sort of confidence or I mean, I don't know.
Sure, it can be taught if you adjust to the idea of, like, I'm sexy, just write that on the mirror with lipstick every morning.
I'm sexy as well. You can play with that. You know, the language is really playful and it's also got energy in it. Do you feel that like when you say I'm a knuckleball, there's something different from I love him. It's a really different feeling. So you have to power yourself up. You can use all of your senses to awaken yourself. I mean, I do, of course, feel, you know, there's a lot to say about it.
Just keeping your consciousness, that little formula of E equals a less p0 and keep looking for the pose because that's going to help you a lot in keeping that separation going and then wanting to come back together, literally and figuratively for sure.
Awesome. Oh, thank you guys so much. I appreciate it. Yeah.
Oh, Ashley, thank you so much. And I can't thank you enough for talking with us. Thank you.
I love your podcast and it was great to be a part of it. Oh, Ashley, thanks again. I hope that you guys like Bang tonight.
She's not home yet, so I have time to get ready. Oh yeah. I feel jewelry.
That was perfect. Thank you, guys. Bye, sweetie. Thank you, Dr. Patte. Thank you. Once again, you are just incredible at what you do. And I love, love talking to you. And I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. Thank you again. Bye bye. Thanks so much for bye.