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[00:00:00]

Ramble, Hey, guys, welcome back. Sorry, I'm laying down, so my voice sounds weird, I'm just set up because my voice sounds all like, I don't know, it just sounded OK.

[00:00:11]

Wait, see, now it sounds normal.

[00:00:14]

OK, I'm not going to lay down any more when I record because I literally lay down in my closet with a blanket to record this, but that obviously is not working anyway.

[00:00:26]

So how are all you guys?

[00:00:28]

I'm good. I guess I'm not having a good day, but I'm also not having a bad day. I think it's more leaning towards the good side, though, so I think we're doing good. Like I feel I if listen, if I don't feel really upset, then it's a good day period.

[00:00:44]

Although I did cut open an avocado this morning that was not ripe enough, heartbroken over that. Had to throw the whole avocado away because it just was not ripe enough. And I fucked it up and I like cut it really sloppily and like the whole thing was a mess. So that was kind of disappointing. In addition to of my acrylic nails have fallen off my pinky finger and my middle finger on my right hand and my nails look.

[00:01:12]

Absolutely like trash. So aside from that, day's going really well, I'm going to be talking about irrational fears today and I have my own definition for this. So basically what that is, is like my brain coming up with these crazy scenarios that probably didn't happen but could have happened for sure or could happen for sure. But getting anxious about something that like may have happened or something that, like, could possibly happen, I'll get into it.

[00:01:48]

When I tell the stories of certain things I've been anxious about, you'll kind of understand I'll start out with some really, like, obvious ones that you guys have probably dealt with in your past and then we can get into the crazier ones. If I don't know, I need to I need to literally ask my team about one story, because I don't know if we want this on the Internet yet, but it is fucking funny. So we will see.

[00:02:08]

I mean, I think since day one, I've always had this fear, which is somebody taking a joke wrong or something that I said wrong earlier in the day. And then the second that I lay down to go to bed, the second that I lay down to go to sleep at night, I turn my lights out. I'm thinking about that joke that I made earlier. And I'm like, oh, my God, do you think that I hurt their feelings?

[00:02:34]

I constantly feel like I hurt somebody feelings and that they're not telling me.

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And I literally will keep myself up at night for hours thinking about everything that I've ever said and considering apologizing for something. But the problem is, when I apologize for something like that, people are like, Emma, what? And I'm like, I don't know, I thought that, like maybe when I said that your shoes were cool, that you thought that I meant like. Well, you thought that I was being sarcastic, like I will literally give somebody a compliment and then later get anxiety, thinking that they think that my compliment was sarcastic.

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That's how psychotic my brain is. Like, why do I put myself through that?

[00:03:14]

You know, like that is so unnecessary. And most of the time, you can tell in the moment if somebody's got a little but heard about something that you said and you can address it, then I don't think it's like that much of a mystery. But I will convince myself later that I offended somebody that day or I'll lay in bed at night and I'll try to remember every conversation I had that day and analyze it and try to think if I said anything that would hurt someone's feelings.

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And I have actually, in fact, apologized for things. And people are always like, Emma, what are you talking about?

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And I'm like, I don't know, maybe you could have taken it wrong. And they're like, No, I would have told you. And you didn't even say anything bad. And I'm like, yeah, but I feel like you took it wrong. Like all of my friends are literally I'm a you're crazy. Here's another one that I think this one's a little bit more specific. That one was really broad. But like this next one is something that was very specific.

[00:04:05]

And I don't I hope that the person that this happened to isn't listening to this, you know, you are so. Anyway, I mean, we I already apologized to you about it, so it's fine. So saying I was there when I was hanging out with somebody. And we got coffee together, and it's a coffee place where you order on an app right in, this other person was driving and they handed me their phone and they were like, you can can you order on my phone?

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And I was like, for sure. So I ordered I was ordering on their phone.

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And then the app crashed, you know, on like an app crashes and it like just the whole app closes out or whatever.

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So that happened and I didn't know where the app was on their phone and I didn't want to, like, be swiping to try to find it again. So I just handed the phone back to them and I was like. The app crashed. And I couldn't tell if they thought that I was snooping on their phone or not, like my brain was like Emma, they think that you were snooping on on their phone. And I personally am so anti snooping on people's phones.

[00:05:10]

Like, that's my biggest pet peeve. I hate when I give somebody my phone and then they're like, oh, let me just like check your camera. Roll like that really bugs me and people do that. So I hate that. And like, I have a phobia of that. Not that there's anything bad like on my phone at all. I have nothing to hide, but it's just like I just don't like that. Like, I just feel like it's so violating and it's just like so like disrespectful.

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So I would never do something like that. But I for some reason felt like they thought that I was snooping on their phone anyway. They ended up ordering instead of me and I was like, oh my God, they definitely think that I fucking they definitely think I was snooping on their phone.

[00:05:50]

Holy shit. Like what? How do I get out of this? And I was like, I'm you're being crazy. Don't bring it up right now. So I kind of forgot about it for the rest of my, like, coffee experience with this person. And then I went home. They dropped me off and I literally sit down on the ground and I was like, oh, my God, they think I was snooping on their phone.

[00:06:12]

They think I was snooping on their phone. And I could not get over it. I was literally hyperfocus on this for an hour and I was like, oh my God, I'm so psychotic. But I have to tell them. I have to tell them that I was like. So I literally sent a voice memo where I wonder if I still have it. I don't think I do, but I don't know how I would find it anyway. I don't think I have it, I think I don't think I saved it.

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Why would I do that? But anyway, I literally basically said something like this. Hi, Blank. So I've been anxious for the past two hours thinking that you thought the one the app crashed that I was on your phone.

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I would never do that, and I respect your privacy. Thank you. And I literally like how psychotic is that why and I had to send it once I sent it. And I knew that they knew that I wasn't snooping on their phone.

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I was like, OK, I'm fine now. But like, it's almost like I wonder I don't want to fucking throw, like, you know, this these words around. But I almost I wonder if it's like an OCD thing sometimes where like, I, I get so obsessive over things like that that like I need to have confirmation from them that they know that I didn't do that in order to continue my day or else I'm literally like bedridden because I'm so anxious and it doesn't happen all the time.

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But it's like every once in a while these little things will happen like that and they will just torture me. So anyway, that person really thinks I'm an absolute psychopath, although they I think they know me well enough to. No, that I'm just a little bit crazy, so I think that we're good on that one, but are certain people see like it with certain people? I will have these paranoia is like, oh, my God, I think I hurt their feelings.

[00:07:55]

Oh, my God. I think that they hate me and I can't bring it up because I'm not close enough with them to bring it up and I don't feel comfortable enough with them to bring it up. And that's when she gets bad, because then I'm just tortured for months until I see them again anyway.

[00:08:09]

Oh my God. Another one. So I used to have dogs with my mom, like my mom and I had dogs when I lived at home with her. And I before bed used to literally. Keep myself awake for hours thinking about. The scenario of me taking my dogs into an elevator and. The elevator closing on their leash and maybe inside the elevator and then be outside the elevator. And something happening to one of my dogs, if that makes sense, because if you think about it, OK, if you're holding the leash and the elevator closes on the leash and you are on one side of that elevator door and the is on the other side, when the elevator starts moving, God only knows what would happen.

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And so I literally. Used to keep myself up at night thinking about that scenario, and I was like, I'm never taking my dogs on an elevator ever. Like that just it freaked me out so bad I would. Toss and turn for hours about it, and the thing is, like the crazy part about it is that I would have that anxiety, but then if I was actually walking my dogs and I actually needed to bring them into an elevator when I was actually doing the action, I wasn't even freaked out.

[00:09:32]

I'd be like, wait, this is not that scary. Like they just walk into the elevator with me and I and then if worse, came to worse and they weren't coming in, I could just walk out of the elevator, put my arm in and shut, make the elevator not shut on it like it's not that, but. When you're in an anxious mindset, especially before bed, this shit will go crazy and you'll start, you know, totally like freaking yourself out.

[00:09:59]

So that was another one. Another animal one. OK, my door is really weird, my front door when I open my door all the way.

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So let's imagine that my doors open all the way out the door kind of swivels on this on like a pole that's like nine inches away from the wall. So it like swings out so that when the door is fully open, there's a gap on both sides. So there's obviously the door side. Where you walk in, but then there's also a gap on the other side. We're like a small animal could fit through, does that make sense? God, I'm so sorry.

[00:10:36]

That is a really hard thing to explain. I, I might pose a photo on our podcast Twitter of my doors so you guys can understand what I'm saying.

[00:10:45]

Tweet at me if you need a little bit of understanding on that. Anyway, when I first moved here, I used to keep myself up at night thinking that when I open my door that my cats are going to run out that gap on the other side. And I'm not going to see it because I'm I'm walking out of one side of the door. And I had this paranoia that they were going to run out the other side of the door because they could definitely fit or I use that paranoia that I would shut the door and they would be like hiding in that little gap and it would pinch them and hurt them.

[00:11:19]

And I would literally stay up all night picturing different scenarios of that. And so my mom and I literally had to put a little net there so that the cats couldn't run out because I literally couldn't sleep for days thinking about that. Pretty dumb, but whatever. Another thing that I do this with is feeling like. I'm going to wake up and the whole Internet is going to hate me. I've definitely had a lot of nights awake about this, you know.

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Just wondering, I mean, it's never like I have I think the biggest fear for me is that there's nothing that comes to mind and that's why it gives me so much anxiety, because I'm like, nothing comes to mind. That I've like maybe done that, like, you know, could get me in trouble or whatever, like I don't I don't have anything in mind, but that's what freaks me out.

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I'm like, what do I not know about?

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Like, what does somebody have me like, you know, or something even getting leaked, like something about like let's say, you know, like a private relationship in the not coming out like I really don't want that, you know, like what if somebody took a photo of it or something and then it's out on the Internet when I wake up like something getting exposed in a sense about me on the Internet, me waking up and going on Twitter and just seeing a whole timeline full of something, I don't really get as much anxiety about this anymore because I'm almost like, you know, what, if we're going to wars and that happened, what am I going to do?

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But still, I mean, it's still that's still something that I used to get super paranoid about.

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I also get paranoid about. My friends and especially guys that I've dated or that I talked to or whatever, hating me for no reason, I constantly feel like I constantly feel like randomly everyone hates me.

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I don't know what it is.

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I don't know why that is. But I constantly feel like, oh, shit, they hate me now.

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Like, literally sometimes I won't text somebody for, like, you know, like forget to text somebody for the whole day and then I will be like.

[00:13:27]

Oh, my God. Well, they didn't text me either. They probably think that I hate them in. Now, I think that they hate me. And then in reality, like they don't think that I hate them and they don't hate me, but I created this whole story about that.

[00:13:41]

You know, we hate each other. Like, what the fuck is that? I've always done that. I've always done that with everyone, guys, my friends. Like, I'm so bad about that, I always think that people are mad at me and I never bring it up. I never bring it up because I'm always like, Emma, this is so annoying and irrational, like do not bring this up, you're just going to piss them off, but.

[00:14:08]

It sucks like I will go to sleep thinking that people hate me and it just like, sucks. OK, next, this is the last story, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to include this, I'm really praying that I can I'm to try to tell it in the most innocent way possible.

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But it's kind of the reason why I made this episode, because I just think that the story's really funny, OK, but it's definitely kind of like it's a little bit listen, if you this might be a side of me that we don't want to talk about, but she does exist and we will talk about her.

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So I was God, I'm nervous and nervous.

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But, you know, OK, I'm 19 years old. I'm a big kid.

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I can talk about these stories now. I think. I'm literally going to ask my team if it's allowed. That's like how scared I am of telling the story. It's so not bad either. But like, I just I don't know, I'm nervous anyway, so. OK. I was sleeping over at a guy's house. Oh, my God, this is scary. This is Gary to talk about it. OK, I was sleeping over at a guy's house and I'm going to talk to you guys.

[00:15:16]

You guys are my friends. So this is not weird. You know what I'm saying? This is not weird. Because you guys are my best years. OK, so I was sleeping over. And. I went to bed. And. This is the part that I don't know how to explain, but it's really a good part of the story, let's just say I wasn't. Where I didn't have pants. OK, moving on.

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I'm already regretting this story, it's so not bad, but I just I'm not used to this, OK?

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I didn't have pants and so I'm sleeping and I wake up at seven in the morning. This person sleeping, the other guy was sleeping. And I check my phone at 7:00 in the morning, and I was having the worst stomach pain in my fucking life, like I'm not getting my stomach was killing me and I was laying there and I was like, OK, well, I'm not going to like I don't want to move.

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Like, I don't want to get up. Like, I. I didn't feel like I had I didn't feel like there was anything that the bathroom could help with the stomach pain. Like, I didn't think that that was the case. It felt more like period crampy feeling. And so I was like, I feel like this is really uncomfortable, but like whatever. I'm just going to like ride it out. So I'm like laying there.

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I literally lay there awake for probably 30 minutes just with this, like, excruciating stomach pain.

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I'm like. So uncomfortable, I literally was like dying, but I was like, whatever, I'll just wait for this to go away, I'll just wait for this to go away and then I'll go back to sleep because, like, I don't normally wake up to like eight thirty.

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So I was like, this is just like I'm not just going to lay here awake for an hour and a half or like wake this person up like. No, like I'm just going to push through, wait for the pain to go away or just wait for me to fall asleep through it. Finally I fall asleep and I don't even remember falling asleep again. But I was awake for so long. Finally I fall asleep because the pain went away and I wake up in the morning and the pain is gone.

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And I was like, this is awesome. And I leave and then whatever, OK, when I get home, I'm on the phone, my mom and I'm telling her this story and I'm like. Listen, I woke up and had the worst stomach pain in my life and I didn't know what to do and I was late, but then the stomach pain just went away. And she's like, well, how did it just go away? And I was like, I don't know.

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Like, I guess it just went away. And then I started thinking. How did it just go away? Like, I didn't go poopy. Didn't take an Advil, so how did the pain just go away? And that's when my brain started to convince myself, Emma, I think you may have pooped the bed now. Listen. It's virtually impossible. For me to have pooped the bed and not noticed. In some way. I would have seen it.

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I would have seen it, there's no way I would not have seen the poop. In the bed. It is impossible if you're eating. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, but I convinced myself that I had pooped a little bit in his bed and I was like, oh, my God, I need. I need to know I beat myself up about this all day, I called literally 10 people and I was like, listen, here's the story.

[00:19:00]

Do you think it's possible that I shit the bed? And they were like, Emma, no, like, check your ass is their poop in it? And I was like, no, but. But I convinced myself that I put the bet and then here's my here's my idea, I was like, OK, well, I need to know if I put the bed before this person gets back into their bed at night because they're not going to lay in bed during the day.

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So, like, I know that if I can find a way to come over to their place. Before they go to bed at night and I check the bed to see if I made poopy time in it, PBH Pooh-pooh check if I check their poop. If I check their bed for PPY pooh-pooh check. Before they go to bed at night, then if for some reason I did shit the bed a little bit, I didn't think that I fully shed the bed.

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I thought that I just like shit a little like and that was just fucking making me go insane. Thinking about them doing their laundry and being like, what's this and being like and then them being like, am I did you make poopy in my bed? Like, I just couldn't fathom how painful that experience would be. So I was like, I need to find a way to hang out with them before the end of the day so that I can go into their room and I can be like, oh, I forgot my earring earring everywhere, my earring in your room, I need to go find it.

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But then really just like go check their bed for a shit stain. Anyway, I ended up doing exactly just that, I hung out with them again the next day, and I remember I went into their room and I looked and there was nothing there.

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And I was like and I literally was so relieved and they had no idea they.

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OK, well, the funny part was I literally could tell this person that, like, it's not like this is somebody like this is definitely somebody I could tell this to. But I was so embarrassed that I had spiralled myself down into this fucking hole. I was so embarrassed of it that I was like. There's no way I can tell them about this, I need to like tell them like a few months later. So then finally, just recently, I told them about it.

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And they were like, Emma, that's the dumbest thing. Well, you didn't say it was dumb, but they're like that just like didn't fucking happen. Like, what are you talking about? Like, I would have told you if you shit in my bed.

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Anyway, a shout out to him for that. Like, imagine putting up with me. And like. Having me be like, hey, I wouldn't time, but I like I can't. This is also the same person that.

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With the coffee thing, with the phone like this person experiences my paranoia like randomly more than anyone else, and I don't know how they're not like I never want to talk to you again anyway. So that's that. Those are some random paranoia stories. Those are just the ones that are fresh in my mind. I've literally had so many things like this. Anyway, I think I'm done with talking about irrational fears, I mean, I'll give a little advice now.

[00:22:22]

I talked about irrational fears and anxiety. Coming throughout the day, mainly here, like a lot of these were like the anxieties that I get throughout the day, but there's something to be said for having that anxiety before bed. And like when you have anxiety at night, it's not like you can just call someone and be like, what do you think? Like, do you think I pooped the bed? It's like. You have to. Deal with it on your own and I get a lot of these anxieties late at night, like the weird ones.

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Like the weird ones, like about like the elevator.

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In dog situation or like the cats running out of the my weird front door and shit like that, like that's the stuff I think about at night or like if I heard somebody's feelings early in the day, like, all of that is stuff that comes at night. And I think that the thing that's so crazy is that whenever you wake up the next day, it's never that bad. Do you know what I mean?

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You're always like, wait, why was I so anxious? I'm now no longer anxious about it. And that's what's so funny to me. It's like, why do we get so anxious and freaked out at night? And I think that that's why people. You know, so many people like use different. Things, whether it's like melatonin, which is more of a vitamin or even like drugs to like sleep because I think that or alcohol or whatever, because human beings freak themselves out at night.

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And it's a fucking huge issue and I don't know how to avoid it. Like, I don't know how we all avoid this together. Like without like I don't know. I don't know. I don't know the answer because I, I have to take melatonin sometimes before bed if I'm like if my brain won't shut down which melatonin is.

[00:24:09]

I mean, obviously don't like check with your doctor and make sure that you can take it, but it is just like a vitamin supplement that just helps you fall asleep quicker. Like, that's a great way to fall asleep if you're, you know. Up late, ruminating, which I think is the right word, ruminating, is it ruminating? Yeah, ruminating Oh, wow, I just found an article, this is how to stop ruminating. Let's see what they say.

[00:24:36]

This is basically everything I just talked about, ruminating on sad thoughts, if you guys don't know, ruminating means. It's when your head is filled with one single thought or a string of thoughts that just keeps repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating the process of continuously thinking about the same thoughts which tend to be sad or dark. It's called rumination, and it can be very dangerous to your mental health. And that's very true. And I bet a lot of you deal with this.

[00:25:03]

So No. One, you can distract yourself, call a friend, do chores, watch a movie, drop a draw a book, draw a picture, read a book, walk around your neighborhood. The next step is to take action so you can.

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Make a plan of action to address it, which is kind of what I did with the whole, like, phone thing or like when I thought that person thought that I was looking at their phone when the app crashed, I was like, literally, I'm just going to fucking tell them this so that they know.

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And then after that, I've done my part. You know what I mean? Also question your thoughts.

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So, like, analyze what you're thinking about, like, is this really realistic? Come on. Like me really shitting the bed. Is that really realistic? No, or like. You know, the cats running out the other side of the door? I mean, yeah, it could happen, but like, probably not in like I could be careful, like, you know what I mean.

[00:26:00]

Probably not going to happen. Oh, it says that people who have bad self-esteem tend to ruminate, so. That's a that was a little stab in the back that I wasn't expecting from this article, is that meditation is good, too, but I'm never going to do that anyway. Well, that was interesting. Hopefully those tips helped because I will probably take some of those, too, considering I have a major issue with this. Coffee. Now, let's answer some questions, I hope that those stories I'm a little bit scatterbrained today, and I think it showed like who knows what I just talked about.

[00:26:44]

OK, time for some questions. First question is not about bedtime anxiety. Well, OK, I'm going to I kind of preface this podcast saying that we were going to talk about bedtime anxiety and then I kind of didn't talk about that, which kind of makes me want to restart the whole episode. But I'm not going to do that because, I mean, these anxieties come to me throughout the day, but then get worse at night. That's kind of like what happens.

[00:27:14]

So I ask you guys to ask me questions about bedtime anxiety, which is basically like, as I said, how everything's worse at night or whatever. So really answer questions about that, even though that's kind of not what I talked about.

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But anyway, which I'm so like fucking a perfectionist about things that literally I like everything to be cohesive.

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And I'm so nervous to listen to this episode and just be a fucking train wreck. So praying that my editor can make this thing flow. God bless. Anyway, let's get into the questions. First question. What do you think of paparazzi? I actually got paparazzi yesterday and I never do. And I'm not because I'm not the type of person that people want to paparazzi, OK? Nobody fuckin cares. But I did happen to me yesterday, and it was funny because I went to a thrift store and he found me outside and I like walked around the back trying to avoid it.

[00:28:05]

And he found me and I'm not really used to it, OK, like I'm not used to getting paparazzi. I know that a lot of the I know I've been seeing a lot of the tech talkers get paparazzi and stuff, and I feel like they're all used to it by now. But listen, I'm not like this doesn't happen to me a lot unless it's like I'm obviously at an event or something. And I, like, know that that's a part of the deal.

[00:28:23]

But when I'm just like living my day to day life, like this is not something that I'm used to yet. OK, and so I definitely get really tense and can come off as rude. But there's also so many things that I don't want to talk about, and I know that those are things that they're going to ask. So I get really anxious and I just try to, like, go away before they ask things that will get me into a predicament or that will start drama that I don't want to be a part of.

[00:28:47]

Lo and behold, he did ask me a few things that are like kind of dramatic.

[00:28:51]

And I was like, fuck, you know, like I don't want this to, like, start a problem. Like, that's that's the thing. I don't like when I don't like when they ask me certain things because I'm like, this will start drama in my personal life that I don't want to deal with, you know what I'm saying? And so that's what I fear with it. If they were just like, hey, Emma, what are you working on right now?

[00:29:11]

I mean, that would be totally fine and cool. But it's like I fear that they're going to ask me something that could cause drama in my personal life, and that is what I don't like. So anyway, the other problem was he also followed me to a gas station and he followed me like he continued to follow me, like for an hour because I like he followed me to the thrift store and then he followed me to the gas station.

[00:29:36]

And I just was like, I'm trying to have a normal day here, dude. I'm I mean, and I get it. I whatever. I guess I signed up for this, but also not really because I didn't think that YouTube has got paparazzi. So we live in a different time.

[00:29:49]

This is not something I ever expected to happen to me. I think that there are definitely annoying. But I also understand they're doing their job. But I also feel like sometimes they can, like, definitely invade privacy. And I mean, I'm on the fence about how I feel about it. It's like. Listen, I can't promise I'm going to be the nicest person on the planet when it happens to me, but at the same time, like they are doing their job and it sucks that it exists and it's really violating, but it's also part of it and whatever.

[00:30:23]

But I literally, like, start shaking every time I see one and like, fully full body shakes. So, yeah, but I was like reading comments.

[00:30:33]

We were like Emmas really rude. And I was like, I'm not trying to be rude. I'm just fucking uncomfortable. Like, listen, I'm a normal I'm a normal guy out here dealing with the I don't know I don't know how to, like, handle this yet. I'm still learning. So anyway, somebody said, how do you like your eggs burnt in a pan or a hard boiled period?

[00:30:54]

I like them. Burn somebody ask, do you ever get sleep paralysis? I was seeing a lot of people talking about sleep paralysis. I don't get it. I've never had it.

[00:31:01]

So I think I might have had it once. But I don't remember I think I would have remembered if that was sleep paralysis, but I I think I just had a dream that I was in my own room or something, and I thought that I was having sleep paralysis. But then I woke up and it was not. The case, so. Yeah, but no, I don't get that I'm sorry. I wish I had advice for you guys that do get it, but I don't I don't have it.

[00:31:26]

Somebody said, what helps you turn your thoughts off mindless activities, I guess, and talking to my friends or family, I mean, that's just like getting to work, you know what I mean?

[00:31:38]

Like just working on something. If you just lay there, you're fucked. You just can't do that. I mean it just because you won't ever it'll just keep getting worse and worse.

[00:31:46]

But if you do something with your brain and kind of distract yourself, it's the only way somebody said sometimes I'm not tired and I stay awake until midnight and I get so anxious. Do you have some advice again? Even if it's midnight, I feel like this is something we need to normalize. OK, we need to normalize getting out of bed after you put yourself to bed, getting up and like going and doing something.

[00:32:10]

It helps so much whether you go to your kitchen and you make yourself a little snack or you get out a pen and paper and you start doodling or you go on, take talk for a little bit and watch some cooking videos like whatever it may be we need to like. Just because you put yourself to sleep technically and you put yourself to bed doesn't mean that you need to fall asleep. If you can't do it, don't just lay there and torture yourself, like tire yourself out, you know what I mean?

[00:32:36]

Because that helps so much and like, it will make you go to sleep easier. So just because you shut your eyes and you turn your lights out doesn't mean that you have to turn them back on. I know that I can feel really trapped sometimes once my light is out. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, when you turn your light out, you feel trapped because you're like God. Now I'm like, it's bedtime and you can psych yourself out being like, God, I need to go to sleep.

[00:32:58]

I need to go to sleep. But I can't. But I can't.

[00:33:01]

You don't need to go to sleep right then. OK, you can. You can do things. After you try to go to sleep, if it's not working, you know what I mean? You don't you're not locked in to going to sleep in that moment. If it's not working, you get up and you distract yourself for a little bit, tire yourself out, and then and then you try again. Just because the light's out doesn't mean that you're trapped.

[00:33:26]

But I know that there are certain times where I like fear turning my light out because I'm like I know that I'm don't have to go to sleep right now. And I know that my brain's going to start doing crazy shit and. I don't want that to happen, so I'm just not going to shut my light out and then I end up staying up too late anyway, so it's tough, but we're going to get through this together. Somebody said, do you remember when bedtime anxiety first started happening to you?

[00:33:53]

I feel like I always lived well as a kid, but because of high school, it got ten times worse. I've always had this since I was like probably five years old. I've always had this. So I don't remember a time in my life where I have I mean, I go through phases where I go to sleep like a baby and everything's fine. But like this has been on and off for me forever. I mean, seriously. So I'm kind of.

[00:34:17]

I've kind of been in this shit. Somebody said, do you ever listen to sounds or music or anything when trying to go to sleep? I listen to whale noises once and that made me feel like somebody was about to jump out of my wardrobe. I don't recommend I sometimes listen to rain sounds. I've done that a few times and that can be pleasant. But there's also sometimes it's pleasant to just have complete silence. It depends on the mood.

[00:34:41]

But I've also listened to really soft music going to sleep, and that's sometimes been nice because if you're listening to music, your brain is kind of focusing on the sounds in the music. It gives your brain something to focus on when you're trying to relax. And that can be really helpful. Somebody said, is there any ways to prevent bedtime anxiety during the day, like ways like things that you could do that will help? Well, I think that staying connected with your friends and family and having a good communication with them throughout the day is really important because then you're not going to go to sleep and be like, oh, my God, this person hates me or this person is mad at me because you know that they're not because you've had good communication with them throughout the day.

[00:35:21]

Another thing you can do is exercise really helps me, because if I exercise, then when I go to bed, I'm a lot more tired, so I just go.

[00:35:30]

Another thing you can do is not try to not spend a lot of time in bed throughout the day. I find that that makes it a lot worse.

[00:35:37]

If I spend like all day in bed, like just like on my computer or like, you know, working on my computer or whatever, that will it.

[00:35:45]

If I'm in bed all day, it makes it harder for me to fall asleep. And that will make it, you know, more likely for me to have that anxiety before bed.

[00:35:53]

So I think exercise when my dad's calling me.

[00:35:57]

All right. Now, sir. Yeah.

[00:36:01]

Somebody said, have you ever drink covid help you sleep? No. Nope, that doesn't make sense. But somebody said, what's your favorite type of ride at an amusement park? I don't really like going on rides anymore because again, my anxiety is too bad and I constantly feel like I'm going to be on the ride that breaks down and I die. The only ones I do like are like ones at Disneyland and stuff because they're like not upside down rides, like they don't go upside down or anything.

[00:36:29]

They're just like. There are a lot safer to me, they feel safer to me because they don't they're not. As risky, you know what I mean, like going to an amusement park that's like a carnival or something or like Six Flags, fuck no. Those rides are so sad to me. And I like the way that they feel when I'm on them. But the risk to me of dying on one or like is just not worth it.

[00:36:54]

Like, I can't. They don't feel safe to me, like they feel like the way that I always feel like I put on my, you know, my belt wrong or like my little, like, seat belt wrong. Like, I always feel like I did it wrong. And it just causes me so much anxiety that I'd rather just never like if I never if I could never go on a roller coaster again, I wouldn't. Like, I would love to never do that again, also skydiving, no, I don't need to do that.

[00:37:20]

These types of like adrenaline things are not for me. I don't need adrenaline. I get enough adrenaline from, like I don't even know, like I get adrenaline from other things. I don't need to get adrenaline from a roller coaster. Like, I just don't like that feeling. So, yeah, oh, my God, this is so interesting because I do do this and I've never talked about it, somebody said, do you make up fantasies in your head to get yourself to sleep?

[00:37:48]

I really hope it's not just me. I think everybody does this like.

[00:37:53]

I mean, like that has really helped me with my anxiety, like creating like my ideal, totally, I do this. I mean, in certain phases of my life, you know, this is kind of weird, but especially when I'm single. Like, when I'm single, I just think about like what I want a relationship to be like. And like what an ideal guy to me would be like and like how I want to be treated in stuff like, I know that that's weird, but I'm almost kind of like manifesting it or like what I want to happen to me, you know, with like.

[00:38:27]

My career and stuff like that, and I make up these fantasies and like what I want my life to look like in 10 years, like I, I create like the ideal scenario. And I think about that before bed. And I know and I was really young, like when I was like. Not even really young, but like when I was in high school, I would picture, this is so embarrassing.

[00:38:47]

Oh, my God, I really hope that I'm not the only one that does this, because this is embarrassing to me.

[00:39:01]

I used to, like, fantasize about the guys I had crushes on. I would like think about, like what it'd be like if they, like, told me that they liked me or something or like if they, like, leaned in to kiss me, like, I would think about that because I would be like, oh, my God, they'd be so awesome.

[00:39:21]

I mean, I've done that even recently, not recently and recently, but like. I've done that even in my older teen years, too, like if I've really liked a guy like Al, just like. Kind of daydream or even. Before bed dream, think about like what that would be like if they, like, confessed their love to me for sure, um, I think that that's super normal, but it is kind of embarrassing and vulnerable to talk about.

[00:39:47]

Like how embarrassing and fucking weird is it that I'm, like, laying in bed and I'm like, oh, my God, what if Jeremy leaned in to kiss me? Like, what the fuck? I'm not like a coming of age teen movie, but sometimes I feel like I am. Somebody said I was talking to this guy for like four months and then we started dating.

[00:40:09]

But less than a month later, he said he wanted to be by himself and ghosted me. I thought I could trust him, but then he just left out of nowhere. What do I do? Thank you so much. I love you with all my heart. I love you so much. This has happened to me. It is the fucking worst. God, it sucks so bad. It really does suck so bad. The thing is, he's not ready for you.

[00:40:30]

He's not going to be good in a relationship anyway if he's fucking running away after four months. This is not a guy that you want to be with right now. I'm not saying that he might not make sense down the line, but just right now, he's obviously not stable enough to be in a relationship. So even if you were in one with him, it probably wouldn't end up being very pleasant for you anyway, because if he's so wishy washy about it, he probably isn't in a place to be in.

[00:40:52]

A relationship in the relationship would probably end up hurting you emotionally down the line if you guys were to stick it out because. He would end up just treating you wrong because he's not in the right place, but it does suck and it does feel selfish because you're like, hello, you just fuckin led me on for four months and now you're out of here.

[00:41:11]

What the fuck? Like, what's wrong with me? Like, what the fuck? But trust me, that relationship would have hurt you. You're going to be able to find somebody who is more than happy to commit. I found that like. If you're talking to the right dude, they're not going to be like iffy about if they should commit to you, they're going to be like immediately like, yes, I want to do that because they don't like because they don't see they don't have eyes for anyone else.

[00:41:37]

They're not like, oh, well, I kind of want to hook up with a lot of people and like, I don't like what, you know what I mean.

[00:41:44]

Like they're ready to like. Be yours only and like, that's huge, and I think that does exist and you will find it. Somebody said, how does being followed around by paparazzi affect your anxiety? It makes me super anxious.

[00:41:58]

I mean, I kind of talked about this earlier, but like, that's why I think that I'm so like, I can come off as rude or whatever. It's because I'm literally like that she will, like, send me into a panic attack.

[00:42:11]

And of course, I mean, I'll get used to it or whatever, but it definitely it makes me super anxious and so like.

[00:42:18]

I just try to get out of it as quick as possible, because to be honest, you know. If I don't want to like if I don't want to talk to them, like, I mean, you know. I don't have to do you know what I mean? Like, I don't have to talk to anybody I don't want to talk to. That's up to me, you know what I mean? If I don't feel comfortable or I don't want to or they're following me to a fucking gas station like I don't have to.

[00:42:42]

Like, I shouldn't have to talk to anybody I don't want to, and that might come off as rude, but it's like also, you know. And this life is up to me all. So if I don't want to talk to somebody, I'm not going to do it. Somebody said, do you ever get anxiety of getting broken into because you live alone? Yes, I do have a security system that's really good. And that, like, makes me feel better because I know that if anybody literally does anything to my house, I will it will there will be large alarm alarms going off.

[00:43:15]

Very loud ones, but. It still makes me really anxious and I literally have escape plans. Like, I have so many escape plans, like I literally this is another thing I'll think about before bed. Like, this is definitely something I ruminate about, I will literally lay in bed and think about 10 different ways that I could escape if an intruder came in also like places I would hide and I just go down a rabbit hole thinking about all the different ways that I could get out of it.

[00:43:42]

I'm like, well, I could climb onto the roof, but using this window that doesn't have a screen and then it could climb up and then I could jump on him and then I could walk across my roof and then I could jump onto the roof of my car and then I could jump off my car and then I could run out and I could run to the police station that's down the street. And then if I didn't have my phone, I could I could run to the police station.

[00:44:03]

But then if I do have my phone, then I can call the police from my neighbor's house. Also, I know my neighbor and I feel like I could knock on the door, so maybe I would do that. And but then maybe I could also jump out of the off the balcony. But then if they came in through the balcony, then I could hide under my bed or I could hide in my clothes in my closet like. That's what my brain is saying to myself when I'm going to sleep.

[00:44:27]

This is a funny question, I know you hate ranch, but do so keep it in your fridge for your friends. No, my friends do not deserve ranch. They're great friends, but. I cannot support that behavior. My mom just texted me and said a cake was delivered to my door. It is not my birthday. A cake. OK, somebody said, have you ever had surgery? Oh, yeah, I actually have.

[00:44:51]

This is a great question and often it's a fun story when I was in eighth grade, I believe. I was peeing blood a lot, but it wasn't from my period because I hadn't got my period yet, so.

[00:45:09]

That was weird. And. We ended up going to the doctor, got some tests, I guess I had like a lot of white blood cells in my pee, don't know what that means, but that could mean something bad was happening to my kidney. So they did a bunch of tests. I was literally in the hospital or in the doctor's office like once a week trying to figure out what this problem was. And then they wanted to test, I think, to see if there was anything cancerous going on in my kidney.

[00:45:41]

So I had a kidney biopsy when I was in eighth grade, and basically they had to put me under anesthesia. I remember they played me a Meghan Trainor music video as I was going under anesthesia. Awful decision and choice. The whole experience was so traumatizing when they were they told me I couldn't eat or drink for 12 hours prior to the surgery.

[00:46:06]

And then they, like, made us wait an extra four hours before the surgery started because they were like super delayed and like the surgeon like needed like he was working on something else.

[00:46:16]

And so it took him a lot longer to get to me. And so I had to wait an extra four hours. So I went like twenty four hours without eating or drinking. And so my body was like super shriveled up. So when they were trying to find my vein to put in the IV, like my vein was so closed up because it was so dehydrated that like they couldn't fit. The the lake Neidl in. And so they kept poking my leg muscle.

[00:46:45]

That was like they kept missing my vein, like the vein with like. They would try to poke it in and it wouldn't it wouldn't penetrate, and so it kept like hitting my muscle and it was hurting so bad and I was like bawling my eyes out because they could not get the fuckin IV in. And then they had to put it like they tried like two different spots. And finally they figured it out.

[00:47:04]

And then what else happened with that? Uh, yeah.

[00:47:11]

Then I went under and then when they did the surgery, they accidentally when they did the biopsy on my kidney, which is basically where they take a tiny piece of your kidney, a little chunk of it. And then they do testing on it to see if there's anything wrong, turned out I was totally fine. I did have this like disease called like nutcrackers, disease or something, but it was like you grow out of it and it's. Very not harmful, just kind of uncomfortable and whatever, so anyway, but.

[00:47:42]

When they did the surgery, they. I guess like a blood blister formed on my kidney, which meant that I couldn't. Leave the hospital for more days than they had expected because they had to heal that. I also wasn't allowed to move. For a few days, because they were like, if you move, you could like your kidney needs to heal and close that wound because they took a chunk out.

[00:48:10]

And if you move like it could cause like internal bleeding or whatever.

[00:48:16]

So I couldn't move, so I was literally bedridden for days, and then I also had that blister on my kidney which hurt in my back.

[00:48:24]

And then they ran out of, like hospital space. So they put me in a room with a newborn baby.

[00:48:32]

And the newborn baby cried the entire time that I was in the hospital. So not only was I not allowed to get up and move, but I also couldn't sleep because I had a screaming baby in the room with me.

[00:48:47]

The only thing separating us being a small curtain.

[00:48:52]

So I would not recommend getting surgery. It was not fun. I mean, honestly, most important thing is that I was totally fine and healthy and normal and everything was OK. So very, very grateful for that. But traumatizing, definitely traumatizing experience.

[00:49:09]

Not fun any. Well, I feel like that's enough for this episode. I feel like I didn't even fucking cover anything like what the fuck did I even talk about in this episode? I don't know. Any who I hope you guys enjoyed hanging out with me today. I love you all so much, I apparently have a cake waiting at my front door. Could not explain that. Really excited to explore it. I really want to get my nails done today.

[00:49:39]

So let's manifest that some nail salons are open. I haven't checked yet, so let's manifest it together in three to one. Don, I hope you'll have an amazing day. You're all very awesome to me, and I hope that tonight when you are going to sleep, that you fall asleep with ease and. Without anxiety, and if you do get a little anxiety, don't forget to get up, have a glass of almond milk. Maybe go give your dog a rub on his belly, maybe draw a picture or maybe watch some cooking, take talks and together we can do this shit, I love you all.

[00:50:17]

Piss out.