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Gramble, hi, guys, welcome back to Anything Goes. I'm going to be straight up with you all. The universe was on one today.


I woke up this morning. I felt good. I made myself breakfast. I went to a hair appointment. I was getting my roots done and getting my whole head a different shade of blonde, which seems as though it would be a relaxing activity.


It wasn't my anxiety was so through the roof.


I think it was partially because my phone died and then I was forced to like, sit with my thoughts for a few hours until I asked my hair person for a charger because it was like killing me that I didn't have my phone. But I kind of want to talk about. A lot of things, because during my slight anxiety attack today, I realized a lot of things that have been really unhealthy about my mindset recently. And like I really want to talk it through with you guys, because even though this is about me and this is like not you know, I don't know what you guys are going through and what you guys are dealing with and all of that is so personal.


But there might be parts of this that you guys need to hear, because I know that I need to give myself advice today. I need to, like, reflect on myself for a second and really analyze why I'm behaving the way that I am and like. You know, put my ego aside for a second and reflect. And so we're going to do that today, and the main thing that I've been doing recently. Is. I've been being way too hard on myself, y'all, and it doesn't really make sense, but I think that it might be that I've been going on my phone too much, going on to talk too much, I don't know.


But I'm finding myself. Pairing myself to like other people on social media constantly, like it's super weird because I never I never have this problem, I'm normally very content in in, you know, my skin, or at least within the past few months, I feel like I've been very, like content and happy in my own skin and like very confident and like I've just been feeling really good.


I mean, I had a rough patch before the good patch, but like, I don't know, I've just been doing so good. And that's why today I realized, like, I'm a why do you hate yourself? Like, I have been just shitting on myself constantly.


OK, I'm talking about like I'm in the car with my friends and I like looking at myself in the mirror and I'm like, and I can't look. Or if I'm like looking I'm like staring at myself in the mirror and like picking apart like my face, like just like looking at it and like thinking about everything I hate about it.


And. When I'm around people, I'm like constantly thinking about how I'm looking from their point of view. It's so weird, like I'm so hyper focused on my appearance and, you know, I even had a little a little meltdown and I archived Instagram photos that I thought I looked ugly in and. All of that, and I don't understand what's wrong, really. I really don't know, like everybody in my life is so loving towards me. My parents are so loving my friends, so loving towards me, so supportive, so complimentary towards me.


Like, I don't understand the problem. And I wonder if other people can relate to this. Why do we as humans. Decide to have. Low self-esteem when there's no reason to like, am I? You know what are normal? Let's let's think for a second what are normal things that make me insecure.


For me, it's like acne that used to make me really insecure, you know, like if I was bloated or if, you know, I hadn't been, like, eating the best that week.


And I feel like I'm not taking care of myself and like that could make me feel, you know.


Kind of like shit, although it shouldn't, because we're human beings and we can do whatever the fuck we want and we should never beat ourselves up about anything, but like, those are the normal things that, like, make me feel bad about myself.


But it's weird because I've been taking care of my skin. I've been, you know, eating well and taking care of, like, my body, you know what I mean? Like, all of that. And that's why I'm so stumped as to why I've been so hard on myself recently.


I really do not know. I really, really, genuinely don't know. And I think it's just a matter of I need to make a conscious decision right now to, like, turn that around, because guess what?


It's not fun to be around. Like, I was thinking about it today in my chair when I was getting my hair done and I was like, Emma, do you think that people want to be around you when you're complaining about how you look all the time?


When you look fucking normal, there's nothing wrong and there's no way that anything could go wrong because the exact body that you're in is like the body that you're in and you should love it for exactly what it is and that exact moment.


What is your issue like? There's no way that that's fun to be around, it's not charming to be around someone who, like, looks in the mirror and is like, yeah, I don't want to see that. Like, that's not charming. And if my friends were doing that, I'd be like, hey, don't do that. Like, what the fuck? And that's exactly what my friends do. And my family, they're like, I'm a stop.


Like, what's your issue? You know? And like, I don't know. I don't know. And I'm making the conscious decision starting now to turn that energy around, because to be honest, I don't think that it's some sort of like thing that can't be changed.


I think all it takes is just me making the conscious decision that I'm not going to think like that anymore. The problem was that it happened slowly and. Like, next thing I knew and I realized, Emma, you are like, not happy in your own skin right now, you know, and that's a hard thing to admit to yourself, to be like you hate yourself right now.


You know, it's hard to admit that to yourself because you're like, no, like, I'm fine. Whatever, whatever, but. I truly realized that, like, it's it's not something that I it's that's not the way I want to live. You know, I don't want to live like that, and it did it got slipped, it slipped under the rug and I didn't notice for a while, but. The thing is. There's nothing I can do, there's nothing any of us can do about the body that we were born into and the life that we were born into.


It's about making the most of it and. Sorry. It's about making the most of it, being proud of it, being grateful for it. And like thinking that you're hot shit because you are the thing is, I've had a lot of, like, humbling experiences recently, like a lot of, you know, this might be part of it. A lot of like decent like really, really great and amazing things. I said decent. But then I was like, that's not even remotely the right word.


Like I've had some really great things happen to me recently that, like, you know, are really good and make me feel really good and like, you know, some accomplishments.


I've accomplished things that I've wanted to for a long time. And, you know, I've met people in my life that like I really love and care about and like things like that.


And like that's the type of stuff that, like, I should be so excited about and that I should be celebrating.


But I weirdly think that I as a coping mechanism and beating myself up to try to balance out the like, positive things that are happening in my life.


Everybody is happy, everybody is healthy, all of that, there's nothing for me to be upset about. I'm happy I'm Alabama. I mean, I'm happy.


I'm like not I feel pretty good, but like, I'm healthy. Everybody that I love is healthy and safe and, you know, things that are really things that are really exciting or happening to me. And I think that my brain is like Šamaš. This is too much good stuff happening. I'm about to fuck it up right now. Yeah, I'm gonna fuck it up and I'm going to make you have really bad self-esteem issues for the next two weeks.


I literally think that that's what my brain did and. I'm making the conscious decision to turn that off. And I encourage you guys who are dealing with something similar, whether you're dealing with it right now in the present moment, you're going to deal with it in the future or you've dealt with in the past in your thinking, maybe, you know, how could I have handled that differently? I think that it's really making a conscious decision to be like, you know what, I.


I have decided that I'm going to appreciate myself. Because the thing is, is that that leads to so much happiness everywhere else in life, you get to live in the moment when you think like that, you're fun to be around more fun. But I like to say funner. You're fun to be around when you feel good about yourself. You're a better friend. You can care about others more deeply. You can empathize with others more deeply when you.


Love yourself and like, those are all things that are so important to me, a few episodes ago I talked about how like one of my main core values was like keeping strong relationships with the people around me. The problem is when I'm having these issues and they self-esteem, like I can't be there for others like I normally am. And that's natural. That's normal. You know, you're not always going to be completely emotionally available.


I mean, that's impossible, you know, but. It's a challenge, guys. It really is. It's really a challenge. But I really I mean, I've never really consciously been like, hey, I'm a you're going to love yourself now, like it's time you have nothing to hate about yourself. You're a good person and you treat others well and, you know, you do your absolute best and. You know, all of that, I've never told myself, like, let's do better here, I normally, like, do things to make myself feel better, such as like spend time with other people or, you know, put my time and energy into taking care of my body and all that, like I do that instead.


But I think that weirdly, this time, it's like not that easy for me. I also think that a big part of it is that, you know, I'm at a place right now where. I've struggled with a lot of things that made me insecure for a long time, you know, one of them being acne and one of them being like, I was taking this medication for a period of time a few months ago during the winter. And this medication was making me really puffy in my face and swollen constantly.


And during that time, I was super insecure because I felt like. Ugly and like, actually funny story during that time when I was taking that medication and my face was really swollen. And I had a bunch of agony and all that, and it was just like really uncomfortable and like I just didn't feel good because of the medication. Like someone that I respected their opinion a lot at the time, now I don't at all they.


Like I said that, I was like super unattractive behind my back, and I found that out a few months later after, like, I, you know, I like me and this person drifted apart and we weren't we weren't tight anymore.


But like after that, I found out that, like, that person was like saying that I was ugly behind my back and.


This was a person that, like I was really close to for a decent amount of time and, you know, it hurt me really bad that like they would say that behind my back and that, like, they didn't they didn't really even want to.


Yeah, so that really damaged me because it was like this person knew I was on this medication, they knew that like my face was swollen from it. They knew that it was making me really insecure. Yet, like, they would say that behind my back and like that really fucked me up really bad, like to this day.


And I think it's made me like recently with this whole, like, random self-esteem issue that's kind of come back up for me.


And I worry I am constantly thinking about how I look around my friends and stuff like that, because I'm constantly thinking that, like, what if my friends think that I'm ugly?


Because that's happened to me before where somebody who I thought was a friend or somebody who cared about me a lot because that's what they told me, like was like fucking calling me ugly behind my back to like somebody that like they didn't even know that well to which is like even weirder, you know, like going around and like talking about me behind my back. And the only thing you have to say about me is that I'm ugly.


And we were like really close. I mean, it was just like mind blowing to me.


I mean, like, I wish it wasn't true, but that's like kind of coming back up to haunt me. I don't know why that hurt me so bad, but it did. And randomly that's been haunting me a lot. And so I think that that's why all these insecurities are coming out in front of my friends and stuff like that, because I'm already kind of low self-esteem is already kind of low for no apparent reason. And then, you know, randomly my brain is like returning to that and, you know, thinking about that time when that person said that about me and I found that out.


And that's just like weirdly on the forefront of my mind, even though that person is completely not in my life anymore and like doesn't matter in their opinion, doesn't matter. And they're obviously not the best person ever if they're calling me ugly, you know what I mean? I don't know. But regardless, like, that shit stinks. And I think what I need to. Really, really put my time and energy and focus into right now is like.


Realizing that it's not about what other people say, like who cares if somebody says that you're ugly, like who gives a fuck? It's about what you think when you look in the mirror. How do you feel about yourself as a person, as you know, all of that?


The other thing is two looks really don't matter that much. Like think about somebody that you love so much, you probably think that they're very beautiful to you, even if they're not fitting whatever the fuck standard that society has, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.


Shut the fuck up about that. It doesn't matter. Like people become beautiful to you and become attractive to you when you care and love them, when you care about them and when you love them, that's just how it works. So at the end of the day, like, let's say you're dating somebody and like they, I don't know, like something. Conventionally unattractive happens to them, they get a shitty haircut or they get a full buzz cut or.


I don't know, like they have like a. Allergic reaction all over their face. Here's something. Like, are you going to think they're any less attractive when you're, like, fully in love with this person? No, you don't give a fuck in the same goes other way around. If you have the right people in your life, they're not going to be judging you for your looks, for fuck's sake. It's just. Insane to me.


And there's some people in your life where, you know, you don't have that feeling towards them, where you don't love them like that, and that's normal, too, and that's fine as long as they don't know that, you know, that just doesn't need to be discussed with that person and that's that.


But moral of the story is here, I'm making the conscious decision to only listen to myself. Look at myself in the mirror and love whatever the fuck is there that day. Bloated, not bloated, breaking out, crying, laughing. Tan. Not tan. Whatever it is, I'm going to make the most of it, and it's hard, it's hard to come to terms with that, it's hard to be happy with exactly the body that you're in.


But, you know, the thing is, is that I remember as a kid, I mean, I've always been very, very critical of myself and very hard on myself.


About everything. Just like by nature, like I've always been like, I mean, you suck, like, that's just the causin voice in my head. And I think that's very standard for human nature. But I remember feeling that that constantly. And then I remember an adult telling me, I mean, you're going to grow out of that. It gets so much easier when you're older now.


I was always like, what? Like, what do you how is it possible? Like, I feel like I'm always going to be like this.


But ever since I had this realization today, the hair salon that, like, I need to love the body that I'm in. I've realized like the bigger picture, which is that. Yeah, like, who cares, who fucking cares if you have the right people in your life, then loving yourself is so much easier.


But also it does need to come from within. And I think it is something that you need to find within yourself. And that's something I'm still figuring out. And I'm going to do my absolute best to convince myself that I'm the hottest person I've ever seen every single day when I wake up. Is that realistic? No, but I'm going to do my absolute best and try to have the best success rate with that that I can.


Because we all deserve that. God, I'm getting, like, emotional, I got choked up for a second. Thank you for sponsoring this episode of Anything Goes Self-catering routine are very important for a happy mood and a happy life that was deep.


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Check it out. Thanks Billi. Listen. We have to be living in the moment here. We got one life. This is what we get. We need to make the most of it and. Let's all really, really make an effort. To like. Really, really care for ourselves, and I think that that's such underrated advice I really like.


I know that, like, everybody's always like love yourself, that it's so not easy.


And sometimes there's no reason for why you are not loving yourself in the way that you should.


And normally when people say this shit, I'm like, shut up. Like, shut up. I'm always saying that. But I also think it's because I'm so in denial of the fact that I am really hard on myself. And it's not just with my appearance. Like I've been really hard on myself about so many different things, like, you know, constantly thinking that I'm annoying when I'm around people, which causes me all this unnecessary anxiety and causes me to like not like say things when I want to say things.


And like, I'm always like backtracking. You mean like I don't I shouldn't say that. Oh, I shouldn't say that. Oh, my God. That was annoying what I said. Like whatever that is so annoying to be around people like confidence baby. We don't want any of that. But I'm doing that right now. And that's not even me. That is not me. But the thing is. Addressing it head on, noticing what you're doing and realizing that you want to make a change so that you can have a happier life is one of the hardest things to do.


Do you know how uncomfortable it is for me right now to say that I've been insecure recently and that I've been like, kind of annoying, like with the way that I'm like backtracking everything that I'm saying and like triple thinking, everything that I'm saying and quadruple thinking, you know how I look every five seconds? Like I literally wore makeup to dinner the other night and I went into the bathroom and I was like, oh, my makeup looks like really blotchy.


And I just took out a makeup boy from my pocket that I coincidentally brought. It wasn't a coincidence. I knew that I was going to have a freak out about my makeup. And I took my whole makeup off in the bathroom because I was feeling so insecure about it.


Who gives a fuck? Like, why? Like, why did I went in the bathroom for like ten minutes to take my makeup off? That's just like not living freely, like we need to be living freely here and I mean, the thing is like. Obviously, like, you know, it's checks and balances, like it's not like you're going to be perfectly confident all the time, whatever. But I think that truly loving yourself and everything that you're doing and all of that is just so crucial for having a good life, because I just I'm noticing that, like, it's affecting everything for me.


It's affecting, like, my anxiety, you know, it's affecting like my friendships and my relationships and my ability to be there for others and like, I'm done. It's embarrassing to admit that you've been slipping, but I think that that's the first step to fixing it.


And so I'm going to be working on that. I encourage you guys to work on that, too.


And also, you know, be proud of the things that you create, whether it's a homework assignment or a project or something for work or it's an art something. You painted something or whatever. You sang a song. I don't care being proud of those things because I am never proud of things that I create rarely.


And that's just so sad. Like, I work hard on, you know, these things and I deserve to feel proud of them, but I never give myself that. I never let myself feel proud of myself and I'm done with that. I'm going to start being proud of my damn self for what I do and hold myself accountable for this shit that I don't do with the shit that I do wrong.


And that's just the end of that message. I really. I really. And making this a goal, and I really hope that you guys do to. The other thing I've been struggling with is like focusing on my past, like I feel like I've just been thinking about like my past decisions and all that and like just regretting things that I've done. And, you know, I talked about this with, I believe, my bestie, Olivia.


I think I talked about this, my friend Olivia, but I don't remember who I talked about with. So I don't know. It doesn't really fucking matter at all.


And, you know, she was like, I'm like, listen, like. We are who we are because of our past, we would be nothing without it and, you know, you can have done things that you don't that you're not proud of.


You know what I mean are things that you don't feel good about or things that you like, places that you fucked up. But like where would you be without those things? Like, I would not be the person I am without every single thing that I've done. Everything and it's actually funny because, like I actually recorded so the episode that you're listening to now was supposed to be a different episode where I talked about I told you guys a story about like this week that I had I had this, like, terrible week last week where, like my plumbing, like basically the plumbing in my house had to be turned off, had to go to a hotel.


I like the same weekend I got hives and like on my face during dinner and like, all this shit happened. Right. And I recorded a podcast about it. And like, I also need to get my nails done super last minute while I had to be at my home for the plumber. It was like this whole mess of a week. Right. And everything went wrong about it. But I listened to it and I sounded set like such a whiny little brat.


Right. I was just like complaining, complaining. And for the whole episode about this terrible week that I had and, you know, I listened to it back and I was like, Emma, you don't sound good here.


Like, you sound like a fucking spoiled brat, you idiot, you're just like you're talking about how you had to get your nails done for a shoot and all that was stressing you out. Was that stressful for me? Yes, it was. And it was it like a tight time crunch. Yes. But talking about those things, Emma is not the right message to spread. And so I listen to that. And I was like. I'm not proud of that at all, and I felt like shit about myself when I listen to it because I am.


You sound like a brat and I know where I was coming from, which was not a bad place. But I also, like, wasn't proud of it. And I wasn't proud of the way that I sounded in it because I sounded like a fucking brat.


And it hurt my ego a little bit and I was like, damn, like, that sucks, like I thought I was better than that, you know, I thought that I was better at conveying a message better than that and like not making it seem like I'm some sort of bitch. Right.


That just like is complaining about dumb stuff that doesn't matter at all to anybody but me. But I alas, I fucking sat down and recorded a whole episode about it and it was awful.


It was awful to listen to for me. And so we're scrapping it, we're doing this one instead. But I mean, like in the moment I was like, I'm a you suck for that. Like, that was just a shitty episode, you little stupid bitch.


But then I started thinking about it more and I was like, that's a super useful lesson. Like me complaining about things that. Don't really matter, is not cute, and I've never thought about that before, you know what I mean? I always feel like venting and whatever is like healthy and normal. But I think that like and it is but I think that to a certain extent and like, you know. Everybody has such unique struggles that unless it's helpful for others, I'm not going to share it, you know what I mean?


The story that I told and the things I was complaining about, it wasn't helping anybody. So what's the point of that? But that's something that I learned.


I never thought about that before. And me listening to that episode back made me realize that. And that is super valuable. So now I'm trying to look at it like instead of being mad at yourself for recording a whole episode that, like, is not useful and just made me sound like a fucking spoiled brat instead of, like, being angry at myself for that, I'm going to learn from that and only share useful things moving forward.


Something that's funny, something that's interesting, something that's educational, something that's helpful, like anything of that sort that just has a positive impact. I don't want to be like, you know, spreading like any kind of negativity at all. And I feel like that episode gave me that energy on accident and I didn't even mean to do that. And there it was. And like, you know, I'm.


Looking at it now in a way where I'm like proud of myself for realizing that and I'm proud of myself for, like, not putting that out because I wasn't proud of it. And, you know, it was a learning experience. And the thing is, you have to learn from this stuff, not beat yourself up over it. And I think that that's like. Huge, you know what I mean, me recording that shitty podcast episode that made me seem like a spoiled brat taught me something and is going to.


Change who I am forever. It's a small little thing, but it's going to change who I am forever. It's like if you kiss somebody that you wish you didn't kiss, it's like that seems like it's just a stupid thing that like. Doesn't matter, and it seems like inconsequential, it just like sucks to think about, like, let's say you like you like had a crush on an asshole and you, like, kissed him and you're like, I wish that I didn't have that on my list.


I think most people can relate to that feeling. What did you learn from that, though, you learned that you want to hire your standards next time? That's a really random example. But I just like I've been I've talked about that with people recently, so it's on my mind.


But like. You learn something from that experience, you know what I mean? And it didn't go for nothing, and anybody who is going to judge you for the things that you've done that you're not proud of yourself, doesn't understand the big picture, which is that. That makes that made you who you are and. That's just that motherfucker. That's all I got on that. I mean, really. I think that we all need to be so much easier on ourselves, so much more loving towards ourselves.


And make that a priority right now, let's all change our mindset. It's a conscious decision to be like I'm going to have a better relationship with myself starting right now and I'm going to do everything I can to make that possible because it's just you and you. You're working with yourself here and it's not easy. And I get that. And it's a process. But the first step is to become aware of the fact that you have an unhealthy relationship with yourself and then you can start taking steps to fix it because you are in the driver's seat.


I am in the driver's seat right now. This is totally in my control. And if I'm motivated enough, I can fix it. And I will and so will you guys, if you guys are struggling with something similar, if you are down the line or whatever, so I really hope that, you know, that is something that, you know, either you guys can relate to whatever.


I hope that it was useful. That's always my goal. And if you guys are going through a similar thing, I just want you to know that I'm here for you. We're in this thing together. It doesn't matter who the fuck you are, where you live, how many siblings you have, how many toenails you have.


I don't give a fuck. Everybody struggles with this shit. And it really sucks to see yourself in a spot that you're not proud of. I'm not proud of where my head's at right now.


I'm not at all.


But it took me having a meltdown about it to realize that I'm going to make a change. And I mean, for fuck's sake, I could wake up tomorrow and it could be better and I could wake up a week from now and it be completely gone in a fucking memory. And that's exciting to me. And that should be exciting to you guys, to this stuff is not like maybe it'll take more time, maybe it won't. But it's exciting to know that we have the control to change that stuff.


Let's get into questions. Sorry, I was straw in my mouth. Thank you to Pretty Laeter for sponsoring this episode of Anything Goes as much as I love my cats, like literally soulmate level, like they're my soul mates, I love them, I hate their litter box. Everything from cleaning it up to covering the smell is a constant battle.


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OK, I have to answer some questions now that do not relate to this topic because I feel like it. So I'm literally just going to do like a roulette where I just like, scroll my finger and then stop on one.


Somebody said, hey, I'm I've been having so many mental breakdowns, an identity crisis is these past weeks and I don't know what I need to do to make myself feel better. Is there anything other than therapy that can help me lighten my mood and enjoy life? Love you in the podcast. Love you so much. I did touch on a lot of that just now.


So like I feel like but I do want to talk about identity crisis because I definitely have these all the time, especially recently.


And I mean even right now, like even right now, I think I might be kind of having one just trying to figure out like, who am I trying to get back in touch with that, you know what I mean? To be honest, I think it really comes down to like. Talking it out with yourself and having a real conversation with yourself, checking in with yourself, I never do this. I avoid this at all costs. I hate it.


I hate like being in my own mind by myself, because what happens cripplingly terrible anxiety. And I think that's because I avoid like. Having alone time in my own brain, sometimes being alone, totally fine for me, but being alone in silence. Consciously thinking to myself and talking to myself, avoiding that at all costs, but I think that's really, really important because. I think that. You need to figure out. What your goals are for yourself and you can also you can write it down, journal, make a list.


I did this today. I made a list of all the things that were bugging me and all the things that were making me really anxious and all the things that I was doing that were hateful towards myself. I wrote them all down. And then on another page I wrote down a bunch of things that like I want to improve on and that I want to see myself do. It could be anything. It could be picking up a hobby. It could be ways that I want to speak to myself in my own mind.


Things like I just wrote them all down and that really helped me. Somebody said, what? Something really embarrassing that's happened to you with a guy like an embarrassing guy story. OK, I'm thinking of one, this is kind of a lighter, funnier story. So basically, I had been talking to this guy for a really long time, right, like a really long time, but only over text, never FaceTime, nothing, we'd only texted.


And to be honest, I was very intimidated by this guy because he was like, really cool to me. And like somebody who I like weirdly admired, not even weirdly admired, like genuinely admired.


This person was like, holy fuck, this person's really cool to me.


Like, they have a really cool, like they're just cool. Like, it was like scary to me. And I was so I was intimidated by this person for sure. And we texted for a really long time and I was like scared of this person. They actually had asked me to hang out one time and I lied to them and told them that I had a fever for like a whole week and refused to hang out with them out of fear.


And then they actually ended up going on a trip for a really long time. And so then we couldn't hang out for a while anyway, and we just texted while they were gone. And it was interesting and fun. And by the time. He got back from his trip, I was like virtually in love with him. Without even. Really knowing him at all, and I didn't know him at all at that point, and he didn't really know me either, but I think that we both kind of had like a.


Like, I don't know, I mean, I guess I don't know, I think we just had a feeling that we would click pretty well.


I don't know, but. Basically. After this whole month of us talking. He gets home from his trip and he's like, it's time to hang out, and at this point I'm like, fuck, I already put this off like a month ago before you left on your trip saying that I had a fever and I didn't have one and that was a lie. And now I've been pushing this off. And now there's all this buildup because we've been talking for like a month, a month and a half.


And now I'm really nervous because I was nervous before, but I didn't really care. Now there's more feeling involved because I'm like, oh, shit. Like I've been talking to this guy for like a month over text and like now I have to meet him. And it was like texting every single day, like not one day that we didn't text towards the end of like the so like and we were very excited to meet each other. And like that to me was like so much pressure.


I was like, oh fuck, I need to be like perfect for this guy. OK, so it's that night. I'm calling everybody. I'm texting everybody.


I'm like, oh my God, I'm so scared. I'm so scared. We're hanging out one on one. I'm like, this is my worst nightmare. I am so terrified right now. I have no idea how to act. I was like, there's no way I'm to be able to like, act normal here. I'm going to be awkward. I really hope this goes well. So I'm getting ready, I'm freaking out, freaking out on the phone with, like everybody, like screaming, I can't do it.


I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I cannot do it. Oh, no, I can't do it. I'm weird. I have a fever again, like, I cannot do it. And then I remember I went I was like, walking up my stairs. I remember it so vividly because it was like. It was very vivid to me. And he calls me, he face times me, and I'm like, no, no.


No, no. No. No. No. I was so scared and I was like, all right, let's go, let's do it. So I answered the call and I don't even know, I think he was going to get food or something.


So he's like asking me about it. Like what? What I wanted or something like that. And when I tell you guys I could not get one sentence out like it might, this might be I had to be their moment, y'all. But like, I, he was like, OK, they have to go to this restaurant. Is that cool? And I was like, yeah, yes, yes, yes, yes, I know. Yes.


And then he was like, oh, what do you want to eat?


And I was like, oh, maybe like I am like maybe like I have, you know, they have a pizza there that sounds good.


Like y'all did not get one sentence out properly. The entire phone call. I hang up, I sit on the floor and I'm like, Emma, you just fucked that up so fucking bad. This guy is not even going to show up. He probably thinks you're so weird. You literally couldn't get a sentence out, you freak. Like, I was so embarrassed. And I mean, he ended up coming over. The whole thing was fine.


A seriously embarrassing. Don't know if that scenario was ever discussed. So I don't know. I don't know if that was something that like only I was aware of or if they were aware of also, but super cranky and sad, I really felt bad for him. I'm actually surprised he showed up so mad. Kudos to him for showing up after that. So that was a really funny, embarrassing boys story.


Hope you guys enjoyed that. OK, somebody just said, do the warp dance if you don't know what the warp dance is, it is a tick tock dance trend that is going absolutely viral on the tick tock platform. So here's the thing, how do I put this? I will never do the warp dance ever. Here's the reason I cannot find. The bone in my body that would allow me to shake my ass on the Internet, listen, nothing against anybody who does do whatever the fuck you want.


It is none of my business. And that is true. But you will never see me shake my ass on the Internet, not to mention I don't really even have one. So that's kind of like that's system error right there. Like, I don't have one, so. That kind of complicates things to, you know, it's like, well. Don't have an ass, so. How am I supposed to? Figure that one out. You know what I mean, anyway, will not be doing the warp dance.


It is funny, though, because I'm like seeing like people do this dance and it's just like, listen, I'm not judging anybody.


I don't want to like this is not like shitting on anybody or judging anyone at all.


I really don't care. It's everybody's business is their business. It's none of my business. But it is crazy to me.


That like that is a dance trend. It blows my mind and like seeing like really like grown adults doing it is just so funny to me. And it's just like bizarre. There's nothing wrong with it. There's not I'm not judging anybody for it, but it is very bizarre to me. And I hope you guys know what I'm saying. Listen, if I if I could do that dance, I would I might try it just for my own personal kind of.


Enjoyment, if you know what I mean, but when it comes to that being on the Internet, no promises on my end here. Somebody said when you started your YouTube, did you fear what people would think in your hometown or at your school? I want to go after my dreams, but don't really have the confidence and fear, people's opinions and judgment. Thank you for your answer. This, of course, I am answering it. I was super scared.


Luckily for me, I started YouTube during the summer and I literally didn't hang out with anybody the entire summer.


I think I hung out with one person and like she knew about it and she was probably judging me deep down, which is totally fine. But she was nice about it to my face. And that's all it matters.


The thing is, is that. You know, what I did was that I just didn't tell anyone. I just didn't tell anyone and I just started doing it and nobody knew about it. And then eventually people figured it out and found it.


But the truth is, like people weren't really that judgmental. You know, they do. They say shit behind your back. Yes. But like, it doesn't matter because there's a bigger picture in. The bigger picture is these people that you're around right now in high school, you're going to be.


Away from in four years or less, whereas like pursuing a passion that is a life long journey and that is a lifelong. Thing that brings you joy, if you decide to do it for your whole life, whatever that passion may be. Think about the bigger picture. And I think that that really helps because that's kind of where I was at. I was like, OK, am I going to get a few dirty looks in the hallway? Possibly.


Am I going to get laughed at? Possibly. Are people going to say that I'm doing this for nothing? Possibly. But I don't care because there's a bigger picture here. And if it works, then look who's going to be laughing now, you know what I mean?


It's like who ends up laughing when, you know you succeed at that goal, Aymen. Oh, this is such a good question. Oh, my God, I love this question. I almost want to do a fucking full episode on it, but I won't because I talk about relationships and dating in love too often.


But it's just something that fascinates me so much and like consumes so much of my mind as a teenager that I cannot stay away from the topic. I think that that's super common. Like I don't know what it is about me, but like I'm obsessed with, like, relationships, not like even necessarily my own, but like other people's and like analyzing their relationships. And like, I just love that shit, really. I'd be a relationship therapist if I wasn't a YouTube or and I mean that.


But alas, here we are.


I wonder if it's I wonder where it stems from, to be honest.


But how do you know if you're in love? You know, I. OK, so. It's crazy because I think that you think. You're in love multiple times before you actually are. And I think it takes being out of the situation to realize. That so the first time I thought I was in love. In retrospect. I think that I. May have been. It was so not reciprocated. That. I don't even know if it counts.


Like I I was I was very in love with this person, like the first time I really was in love with somebody. But the thing is, is that.


They. Treated that love so badly and that like for constant forgiveness and unconditional, like they were not unconditional with me. The thing about love is that it's unconditional, you know, that it's love when it is that way. When you like, look at somebody. And you're like, you could literally. Do anything, you could say anything, whatever, and I will still love you regardless, that is when you truly love someone like you.


I mean, obviously, if they're like a fucking asshole, like, that's different. But I'm saying like, let's say somebody came to you and was like, I'm like feeling really bummed out. Like, I need your help, if that's a no brainer for you. That's step one if somebody. Doesn't look so good that day, and you still love them just the same. That's unconditional. That is another check if. You would literally go to the ends of the Earth for that person, like if you would do anything, drop anything for them, that's unconditional love.


That's love to me as well.


I think that it's rare to feel that feeling towards someone where you're like, I would do anything for this person and I would go to the ends of the Earth to help them if they were in need or work things out with them.


I would never give up on them unless, like, you know, sometimes love fades and that's totally normal and healthy and it sucks ass. But it does happen. But I think that. If two people unconditionally love each other. And they're in love. I think that there's very, very few things that could get in the way of that, because when you love somebody that deeply, you will do anything to keep that relationship as strong as you possibly can.


Are you going to argue? Sometimes, of course. Are you going to butt heads on things? Maybe. Are you going to have communication problems? Sometimes, of course, like these all these things are all normal.


It doesn't mean that you're not in love or that your love for this person is unconditional, but it's about how you handle it and your motivation and you're like drive to fix it.


Like, the thing that I realized was in the past, I never really like was concerned about maintaining my relationships in their in their health. Because I was kind of not I didn't love the person enough, I don't think, to, like, fully care about like. Keeping the relationship as healthy and strong as possible, like I was more like focused on myself and my ego in these relationships, and I wasn't as focused on like the other person and like keeping my relationship with them as healthy as possible.


Does that make sense? Like I was thinking about like, well, I don't want to bring that up to them because, like, fuck them. They don't deserve that. You put your ego aside when you're in love with somebody, you put your fuckin everything aside and you like. You're just like fully there with for that person and like you don't think about anything else you don't think about. Talking to anyone else, if you're in a relationship and you're dating, you don't think about whatever and listen, you can think that you're in love 100 times and you probably won't be.


In my opinion, this is all my opinion and my experience. I've thought I was in love before, but that's just because I'm fucking sensitive. I didn't realize what real love felt like until I did actually fucking feel it. And then I was like, wait, that is actually the craziest thing that I've ever felt in my life. It's very, very different.


And to be honest, I think that real true in love. True love feeling for someone else. Is something that. I believe is more rare than we all let on. Don't get me wrong, though, like, you know, you could have a great relationship with somebody that you maybe aren't even in love with, but you, like, love them and you think that it's like working and it's fine. But like, there's this different feeling when you're in love with someone, like, it is a very different feeling.


It's so much more selfless. Like, you don't give a fuck, but there's no ego in it, that's the big thing. If somebody is, like, competitive with you in a relationship and stuff like that and like, you know, competing with you or judging you for things or like whatever, that is not being in love. That is like you might love the person, but you're not in love and.


If there isn't like a crazy amount of mutual respect and all of that, it's not real love, like it's a very, very, very sensitive, very touchy, very special thing. And honestly. The thing about when you're really in love with somebody is that you'll also know because you're going to be really scared of it. I think you're going to be like this is really, really terrifying to me.


You're going to be very scared and you're going to think that you're dying because you're like, why do I feel this feeling towards this person? It's such an overwhelming feeling. That. You feel like.


You're dying when you're feeling it, like you literally feel like you just want to lay in a bed and, like, stare at a ceiling for like days on end, like it's almost like it's a very emotionally exhausting feeling when you're in love with somebody you think and.


The last thing I wanna say about being in love is that. You can't even fathom doing anything that would hurt them. Like the thought of you cheating on them, like makes you sick, like even thinking about like the fact that you could do that because you wouldn't, but the fact that, like, you could do that and in the fact that, like, that would ruin the whole thing.


Like, you have a almost a phobia of ruining it because you're so in love with that person and you just want to do you never want to hurt them even a little bit. And like the thought of hurting them at all, like literally makes you want to burst into tears.


It's an extreme feeling, but it's so special. And I believe that everybody feels that at some point in their life one way or another and. And it really is special. And I think that you can feel it multiple times in your life, too. I don't think that that just happens once. I think you can feel it multiple times. I think you might you might just feel it once. You know, you might feel it with your family, although we're talking about in love.


But which I don't think you're usually in love with, like you're I mean, you love your family, but you're not in love with your family either. That's weird. And incest.


You could be in love with a friend, though, in a way, too, like I think that that can kind of go both ways, like friend. But I do think that there's something to be said for relationships in the emotional intensity, like the intensity and the fear when you feel that shit is like really it's really intense.


I could literally talk about that all day, but I will stop because they usually shut up with the sappy shit. Shut up. Somebody asked me, how do you compliment boys, I always compliment I don't know, that's a good question. We need to have a male on this podcast so that we can ask. I don't know.


I think with girls, as long as you're not complimenting something that's like rude, if you're like, haha, nice ass. Like, you can't really go wrong with complimenting. Like, I feel like as long as you're being respectful about any compliment, it's good.


But I know that with guys it's harder because it's not like you would be like oh my God, you look so pretty today.


I feel like for me with guys I'm, I will say like if I mean you're going to be like, oh my God. Like you can call them on their outfit, of course, if you like it or if they don't have a good outfit, you could be like, oh my God. Like your hair looks really good today. Oh my God. You just look so vibrant today. You look so good today.


It's awkward though how and guys is really awkward. I don't know, because you can't be like, wow, you look so handsome. Like, what the fuck.


Yeah. I don't know that you all summoned me on that one. Once you like, dating somebody is easy because you can be like, oh, my God, you look so good, like whatever, and it's like easy.


But like when you're, like, not dating somebody who's like a friend or something, it's like a weird balance where there's not really words in the dictionary for it. But you can just tell them, oh my God, you look good today, King.


I don't know. Somebody said tips on how to avoid buying clothes, thinking that you like them, but then you never end up wearing them. It makes me feel guilty because I just wasted my own or my parents money. Thinks I'm a love you. Love you, too. I used to do this all the time in what I've actually figured out is that every time I'm going to buy a piece, I come up with three outfits in my head that I could wear it with.


And if I can't come up with three, I'm not going to buy it unless it's like a crazy statement piece that like I'm obsessed with and that I'm literally going to frame or something. I don't do it. I think of three outfits in my head that I could wear it with stuff that I already have or stuff that I could easily get.


And I think that really narrows things down because I think a lot of the times, you know, you have like something where you're like, well, like this is cool, but like, I don't know, I'd wear it. If you can come up with three outfits for it, you're probably gonna end up wearing it. If you can't, you probably won't be able to. God bless you.


Somebody said you're someone who is really raw in here with your past on social media. But do you ever, from time to time, get anxious, panic's from it. How do you handle this type of situation? I love you. Stay safe. Love you so much. I do get anxious about it, you know, because, you know, there's people that I talk about, like there's a story, you know, I told stories about people today in this episode and there's always a chance that those people are going to listen and whatever.


But, you know, I doubt it with most of them or all of them, I don't think any of them would listen to this like any of the people that I have referenced in my whole entire life, except for like maybe two of them that are like my friends and like so it's like funny.


But like, I don't. I don't. That does make me anxious, but at the same time, it's like I try to keep it broad enough where even the people might not even know that it's about them, you know, or like whatever.


And at the same time, like, I really hope that like a lot of the stories that I tell in the personal experiences that I talk about are helpful to people and to me like, you know, as long as I'm respecting the privacy of whoever I'm talking about, it's like.


What else am I supposed to talk about? As humans, we share life experience. This is like I can't talk about anything else. I want to talk about my experiences in life.


And like, I want to use those to help you guys, because that makes me feel better about the pain that I've endured or the good moments that I've endured.


It helps me, you know, show my gratitude for those moments and all that. So, like, I, you know, I'm careful about it and I'm thoughtful about it so that nobody ever knows who I'm talking about or whatever I do my best anyway. I mean, and, you know, there's always guesses and stuff like that, most of which are usually not. Right.


But that's OK. Have have your fun sometimes. Right. Who knows. Either way. By me telling the story, I hope that I help someone and or made someone laugh or whatever, and that's kind of the end of that. So like it does give me anxiety. But at the same time, I combat it by remembering that, like. These stories could maybe potentially help one person and like that makes me feel good.


So somebody said, hey, am I was wondering if you have any advice on making sure people are not in your life for the wrong reasons and are just using you? What should you do about it?


I hate this because I have I'm going to get really deep with you all.


I've talked about my feelings a lot today. This is stuff that I don't even talk about with my friends half the time. But it's a lot easier when you're in a room by yourself and it's just you, you know what I mean? I really struggle with this. And, you know, it may seem like something that's like dumb to complain about, but. I actually had anxiety about this today, to be honest, it's like. I've had so many instances in my life where I've been like, wow, I think I have really good people around me.


And I've been wrong. And their true colors show eventually, and they were in it for the wrong reasons, and I think what scares me the most right now is that the people in my life are people that I love more deeply than I've ever loved people in my life before, like my very small circle.


I love them so much and I like but I mean, I trust them with my life truly and I truly know. That there in my life, for the right reasons, but at the same time, my ass got trust issues a little bit because naturally, like I've been used before, you know.


For whatever and. Four different connections or for, you know, X, Y and Z, whatever, like this has happened to me time and time and time again. And I get it like whatever, like, it's fine. It doesn't happen all the time.


There's a lot of people that come and go my life that never even wanted to use me. They just maybe weren't the right fit.


It's not like every single person I've ever had in my life has tried to use me. But there's been a few instances that really, really stick with me where I've let somebody into my life with open arms and they've just turned around and stabbed me in the fucking back. So bad to a point where, like, I'm so terrified of that. I know that heartbreak that I felt when that happened to me was so painful.


And I know it would hurt 50 times worse if it happened with the people that are in my life right now. And so it's terrifying. I think the thing that you need to remember is that like. Every person in your life is unique. Every single person in your life is different, and you need to let them show you who they are. If somebody is. Very conditional with their love for you, very conditional about when they help you, when they are there for you.


Stuff like that, that's a pretty telltale sign that they're in it for the wrong reasons.


Another way to tell is if they, like, only want to be around you, if you have something to offer that day and they don't just want to spend one on one time with you, that's a huge thing.


If somebody wants to spend one on one time with you off of the phone, no money involved. No like other people involved. Nothing, no other factor. That's a great sign that they are in it for you because they like you and they like to be around you. It's even worse with dating. I think that dating the whole using for blank thing is even worse.


And it could be whatever like using for money, using for, you know, somebody else's body, which is fucked up or using someone for, you know, in like L.A., you know, like fame, things like that or whatever.


And it's even more painful in that way.


And that's why it's so scary. But I think I've found that, like, you let people prove you wrong and you give people a chance, but you have your guard up and you keep your eyes peeled. And if you start to see something that's a red flag, don't ignore it, because I ignore red flags.


Like a specific example would be like if I meet someone and they like want some sort of like shout out of some sort or some sort of tag, some sort, I'm like, no, you don't want to hang out with me. Why are you just met me five minutes ago.


Why are you asking me to post about you like that's so shallow to me, you know, and that's like something that I notice, like a lot of people do that.


And I guess what I ignore that a lot.


I've ignored that in the past and it came to bite me in the ass. So don't ignore the red flags and be honest with yourself about where you think their heads at your gut knows you don't admit it to yourself with some people and.


Cut those people out before it gets too painful, because the second you're in love or something, that's when the shit gets painful, not like you'd even be in love the second you think you're in love or the second that you think that that's your bestie and you're ignoring a red flag. That's when she gets painful.


So anyhow, I'm gonna answer one more and then I'm out of this bitch because I need to go to bed and.


Like, relax, because I had a really weird day, a really weird day, OK, last question is another dating question because I don't know why I love them so much.


This is really interesting and anything I've ever talked about this. So if you guys are here all the way at the end of the episode, thank you for saying and this is a fun one. Do you think it's OK to talk to multiple people at once, all of which you could maybe see yourself dating, but of course, assuming that everything is casual so it's not a cheating situation.


So this to me is a little bit messy. I don't tend to talk to more than one person at once. I really don't like overlapping it. Listen, I get it. Sometimes you're testing the water with a with a few people because it's just like you don't know which one you're going to like, you know what I mean? Like, you have to try new things. Dating is like kind of like sifting through everybody to find that needle in a haystack and like and sometimes you need to have a few hay pieces in your hand to find the needle.


Because you have to move them around, good metaphor, Emma. Anyway, there's a self-love coming through anyway. Personally, for me, I don't do this for multiple reasons. Number one, I usually don't like more than one person at a time.


And half the time I'm talking to somebody that I don't even really like. And so then that ends of going nowhere. So that's number one. Number two, I think that it can be messy because if you end up. Like getting serious with this person really fast. It can end up becoming messy because it's like, oh, shit, now I have all these loose ends, right? Like let's say you're talking to five guys, burgers and fries, five.


Let's say you're talking to five guys. This is like talking about me because I'm like I'm using me as an example. Let's say I'm talking to five guys.


I've never done that my entire life, but I'm again using me as an example and I end up finding one. And I'm like, that's the one. I like that one.


He made him click the best, he's really cool, whatever I'm going to I think I'm going to pursue this guy more seriously. Now, you have four people that you need to be like, hey, sorry, but I am now in a relationship. Sorry. The problem with that is that no one that's going to end up hurting those four other guys. Because they're going to be bombed, possibly. But also, it's kind of like. Weird for the person that you're like.


Dadi, I don't know, like I just feel guilty about it because I feel like I'm hurting more people than, like, whatever then I would like to like. That's why I just would never do that. But also, I don't think I even ever have an opportunity with, like, more than one guy like. Every blue moon, let's just say that so I don't like have like I've never been the type that's like I got options, you know, what I mean is, is not me.


But listen, I think as long as you're respectful and as long as you're not, like, leading anyone on or stringing anyone on or being like, unloyal to the one person that you end up choosing, I think it's fine if that's what, like makes you feel.


Good and like that makes you feel good and you, like, enjoy talking to all those people and you're genuinely trying to work out, like who you want to pursue more seriously than like I mean.


Yeah, like work it out. It happens. It's normal and like, whatever.


But I think that it's just important to make sure that all of those loose ends are tied up before you get serious with the new person because you just don't want that messy shit because it can get really messy and you don't want anybody to be sabotaging your potential relationship that you're trying to grow and like all of that.


So and as long as you're being respectful and you explain like, hey, you are really great, I loved my time with you, but I am, you know, pursuing somebody more seriously and I'm really sorry, but like, I would love to be friends or, you know, you never talk to me again, like, whatever you want.


Like, I don't care. But just like I'm sorry and like, be honest and, you know, don't go see them.


I mean, I know that, like, a lot of people just goes people and that's fine. Do whatever you want. But in my opinion, I think it's just so much better to be in good graces with everybody, communicate and move forward. And yeah, I mean, that's that. But I do think it gets messy when you're like consistently like maybe even being romantic with these people.


Like if you're being romantic with, like a bunch of people at once, that can be like consistently, that can be really, really emotionally damaging for you, at least in my opinion. I mean, some people are totally cool with that, multiple people at once, and it doesn't fuck with their head. But like, I don't feel like that would be so good for my brain. I think that would really, really confuse me emotionally. So any hosers that's that that's today's episode.


I hope you guys enjoyed. Thank you for listening to me. I hope that this was useful.


And I really, really, like, loved getting super personal with you guys today. And I hope that you guys liked it.


And let me know if you want me to do more stuff like this where I just really, really talk about my feelings. I am a huge advocate for talking about your feelings. I say this to everybody.


I think that talking about your feelings helps you grow and helps you learn from things. And I think it's just so important. So whether you're listening to me. And you're fucking talking back to the screen, I don't give a fuck, just talk to somebody about what you're going through and put your ego aside and work through it.


I love you guys a lot.


This was very deep, very deep.


And yet you guys are the best. And I will see you guys next week.


Happy, sad.