Transcribe your podcast

Hey, guys. Bad friends. Listen, this is the last day.


Tomorrow is the last day.


I mean, tomorrow's the last day to get these shirts.


Tomorrow's the last day to get these competition. And hopefully I'll be winning the competition because I'm ahead right now. Well, I'm ahead right now. So go to to get these bad Also, we only have a chunk of dates left. Temecula, Reno, Sacramento, Long Beach, Windsor, Niagara Falls, Tucson. And we end in Vegas on 420.




Come check us out.


Check us out. Go to You two are bad friends.


Who are these two idiots? White dude and an asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something.


We're bad friends.


We're back, baby. You ready? Sing us a song.


Edie Amin is my friend.


No, he's not.


I'm sure he will be at the end.


Yes, he will.


That's it. That really bummed me out. Happy New year to you.


New year is over. No.


Give me the trucking. Give me the fudge. I don't know, man. Chris Destefano is in town and we love him. He's thicky. Thicky legs and lot of gums in his mouth.


Keep going.


I'm just trying to do some things that AI won't be able to copy.


No, AI is going to copy all of them.


They can't do that.


Yeah, they will.


They can't do that.


Your AI was going to be hilarious.




It's going to be like tube shot. Tube shot. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest today is one of our oldest and dearest friends who we love so much. It's Chris Deseferdo. Chris Chaos is looking real svelte. My mother used to say svelte when she meant like thick boy status.


You like that?


Thick boy.


You know what it is? It's the corduroy shirt, I think. Corduroy shirts. I don't know what it is. I just feel like I'm like a blanket.


What do we, you know what you're doing? You're doing the mark Marin route.




What does that mean?


That look? The whole look is the Mark Marin.


Except for the shoes and the pants. Marin would never wear tapered off pants.


Oh, that's true.


Lululemons I don't think Mark Marin wear.


Yeah, no.


Lulu Schmellin.




Although he is sour, so he might wear Lululemon.


Is that Lululemon?




Do you have a men's department.




Okay, burn.


You ready for this?


What do they. I've been in that. I've never seen it.


Of course they have a men's department.


You've been in the men's department also.


It's gender fluid, dude. It is Lulu's gender fluid.


Do you know about the creator? Do you know why he named it Lululemon?


Hold on.


I am not making this.


Can we make a guess?






Okay, so Lulu. It's got to be somebody's name. Lemon.


It sounds a fruit.


No. You ready?


You're good.


This is.


Damn, dude, you're good.


No, I'm not done. I was putting the two together.




Sherlock Holmes is on the crime scene. He's got to put the evidence. And you're my. What's this guy's name? I'm Sherlock.


You're Sherlock?


Why can't I be Sherlock?


You're 100% Sherlock. You're not Sherlock Mordority.




You're Moriarty.








You're Watson. I'm home.


I'll be Watson. You show up at the scene.


Well, now we've got a case of Lululemon on our hands. What do you think, Watson?




I think will.


I think.


Why? What is Lululemon?


Are you asian again? You got to be british.




I don't know. Sherlock. Sherlock.


Dude, even your british is. Why is it called Lululemon?


It's called Lululemon. And again, you can google this, because the founder of Lululemon was, like, a known racist, and he named it that so chinese people couldn't pronounce it.


Shut the fuck.


I swear to God, dude, google it.




Google Lululemon. Founder names it so chinese can't. Yeah, funny to watch japanese people try to say it. Oh, this guy's the best.


Say it.


Say it. Say it. What?


Say Lululemon. Say Lululemon.




Reven. So the reason the Japanese liked my former skateboard brand homeless is because it had an l in it, and japanese marketing firm wouldn't come up with a brand name with an l in it. So it's not their vocabulary, it's a tough pronunciation for them. So I thought, next time I have a company, I'll make a name with three L's and see if I can get three times the money. It's kind of exotic for them. This is a direct quote.




I was playing with L's and came up with Lululemon. It's fun to watch them try to say it. Wilson was quoted as saying, this guy. What's this guy's net worth? This guy made so much money being a bigot. And this just shows you kids you can be racist and still be rich.




That whole idea of, like, racism is bad is not a real idea. Look at Lululemon, made up by the media.


Chip Wilson is his name.


Great name.


68 years old. $6.8 billion.


Billion dollars.


Say billion.


Billion. See, they can't figure out. Let's say we're creating a company and we want to top Lululemon. How would we name it? Little lady London.


Little lady London Mary. It got to be or H and L's.




Because it goes to Hari.


Yeah. Harry, Mary.


Harry Mary's.


Help out. You're part of the group.


Harry, Mary. Because it's got to be things that we're saying asian people can't pronounce.




So a lot of L's and R's, right?


Harry, Mary, Larry's.


Harry, Mary Larry's.






Little. Yeah.


Little lizard loves ladies.


Oh, the little lizard loves.


That's it. Little lizards love ladies. That's our company.


That's it.


The store opens.




You're a japanese person.


No, you are.


No, you're the japanese person.


I'm Chip Wilson. I'm the bigot that owns the store.


And I'll be a customer.


Yeah, I could.


All right, so I'm the japanese guy.


Yeah, you're my partner. We opened it together.


Oh, I see.


Yeah. Okay.


So how are you feeling about a store opening today?


Really good.


Really good.


Did you fix the sign out front? Some of the letters were out. What did it say when you were out there?


What do you mean?


The business name was.


Because you told me to get all the lettering here in Japan.




We don't have the L's and the R's.


No L's.


So I had to go get it from America.


Wow. So you.


Fuck you.






So I had to get a ship down. He imported here.




So it came last night at three in the morning.


You put it up, though. What? You put up the sign.




What was the name of this? I forgot. What was the name of our store again?


Oh, there's a customer here.


Hello. We open 5 minutes.




Hello. We open 5 minutes.


Okay. No.


Welcome him into our store and say the name. Say, welcome to.


I forgot the name.


Little Lizard.


Shut the fuck up. I forgot the name of our store.


Well, you better go outside.


Oh, hey, how are you doing? What's your name?


Welcome to.


Welcome to.


What is it?


Little what?




Little lizard.


Little lizard.


Ladies. Lucky.


Welcome to Little Lizard Lakey. Lucky. Lucky.


Hi. Thank. I just saw this store.




It looks amazing in here.


I don't even know what we sell here, but welcome. Well, welcome to.


I'm a woman from America.


Yeah, we can tell.


I'm a lady from America. And welcome, Japan. So it looked like they had to.


No, there's so much product.


I know.


Look at all the stuff we have.


Oh, that's true.


I don't think you'd fit into our thought.


I. I thought I could.


No, I don't think so. I think you're a little too beefy for us.


You're too beefy for us.




Get the fuck out. I don't know how to.


Oh, no.






In Japan, we say get the fuck out of yourself.




Anyway, that's okay.


We're going to open up a shop.




Oh, by the way, now that we're on Asians, let's talk all things asian now.




I'm sorry, by the way, Bobby, for.


You brought it up again.


I want to say that I want to start off also, too, before apologize for last time I was in here two years ago. I apologize for immediately coming onto the show and pushing my eyes back and.


Yelling, Donald Trump in your face, but he's running.


Did you get in trouble for. But did you get some heat online? Be honest. No.


Sometimes. But I just.


Because when you did that, you know what they say about me now?




That Bobby hates his own.




Because I watch that happen and don't say shit.




So online now I can say Bobby hates himself and where he comes from and his ethnicity. So fuck you, dude.


Because people have messaged me and know just because he laughs at that doesn't mean you can say that about all asian people. And they're right. And they're want.


They're not right.


No, but I want to say to them, I want to say to the Asian, to the people who are mad at me, I am very sorry.


You know how they say in the black community? They say Uncle Tom.




Your uncle Chang. Your uncle. Uncle. Somebody online making Uncle Chang shirt.


Uncle Chang.


Uncle Chang.


Right now.


I think it's right in society, but in the chambers and also the system of comedy.


Come on.


It should be sad.


Give me a break. So in the asian world, I want to congratulate Stephen Young and Ali Wong and the entire cast and crew of beef for winning.


And Andrew's on the show, so give them a round of applause. Andrew just won a fucking golden, didn't.


First of all, I didn't win a Golden Globe.


Did you go.


But you're a part of it.


No, he's a part of it.


I had nothing to do with it.


Right, you were in the show.


I'm on a couple episodes. I'm a guest star.




Still give him round.


No, I didn't win anything. They did. And also, more importantly than that, I just want to get that out of the way because this one's. I just want to start with something nice and then you go back. I do want to congratulate Korea as a whole. Yes. They finally announced that they are banning the consumption of dog. I can't wait. Korea.


But not right away. There's like, two or three more years.




It's not going to be till 2055, but it is going to happen. No, I'm dead serious. It is going to be a long time.


What do they say?


They're banning it.


I don't agree with it. I think if it's culture and it's customary to do that, then they should do that and not take the dog meat away from the people who love the dog meat because there's pressure from the western world to do that. I think if you and your people want to eat dog meat, if you are dog meat eating people, then you should continue to eat your dog meat with your chopstick. Sit on the floor.




Well, they have till 2027 to stock.




Freezers filled with dog. I know. I'm going to get you a Petco membership so you can have meat for your family.


Dude, all the shelters are like, all these dogs are adopted. It's crazy. Look at this. It says, is it going to go into effect in 2027 also? That's after and then a three year transition period. So 2030, they'll have to stop.


What do you think?


So by 2030, they'll go. All right, guys, we got to start slowing this down.


Do you have a dog?






I don't.


It sounds like it.


I don't want animals. I have no problem with animals.


But you live with three animals.


Exactly. Puerto Ricans and. No, I have kids. I have three children. That's enough. But I don't want any animals, and I don't hate animals. I just don't want to have to clean up their.


But have you ever bonded with a dog or a cat?




Like, I've had a relationship with one.


Never had one as a kid or nothing.


Well, that's the problem.


Well, because you know what?


If you had, you wouldn't have sense of bullshit like you did 2 minutes ago.


Well, I'll tell you what.


That's fucking bullshit.


The reason why is because when I was a little kid, my mom came home with a Dalmatian. And then that Dalmatian, I let it go into the basement, and then it ate all the Clorox, and I found its dead body. And that disconnected me from having pets. And you know what I named that Dalmatian? Cruella. And then you know what my father said to my mother? You know what I overheard my father saying to my mother after I named the baby Cruella? After I named the dog Cruella? He said to my mom, he said, lynn, I think our kid's gay because I named her. My favorite movie was 101 Dalmatians.


What was your favorite movie?


101 Dalmatians with Glenn Close when she played Corella. And that's why I named my dog after. And then the dog ate bleach and died in my basement. And that's why I don't want dogs. But I would have, because I care about culture more than anything. And I want to make sure that people who have attacked me online know that I care about culture more than anything. And if that happened to me today and I found that dog dead in the basement of my house, I would give it to Bobby as an offer for meal for your family, and I would let you have a feast over my animal for you and your brothers and sisters.


Well, thank you.


What was your favorite movie as a kid? That would be misconstrued like that, as kind of, like, gay or. What did you love as a kid that you were embarrassed about? You didn't want any of your friends.


To find out about it as a kid?




Like, I'll get my example. What he's saying about 101. I loved Phantom of the Opera as a kid, and I don't even, like. I fucking hate musicals.




I had an Andrew Lloyd Webber poster in my fucking room. I swear to God. Dude, I fucking thought Phantom was, like, the coolest shit. And it was so gay. Everyone I knew was like, andrew, were you, like, composers? I was, like, nine.


Yeah, I like that movie. Little women.


Maybe far away or maybe real nearby. Annie did.


Dude, that was yours. Annie?




Keep going, though. Will you sing more?


I don't know the rest of that song. We'll just make it. Let's start from the beginning. Do you know that song?




She's on the windowsill.




With a little red hair.




I think that's why.


That's why you and I are in love.


You're Miami.




Honestly, I'm trying to. You know how when people look at redheads, they get repulsed or they have.




No, I'm just being. Some people get repulsed and they want to vomit and.


What people?


Some people are like that. When I saw you for the first time, nothing. I was like, oh, normal human being. I feel normal.


Like, I feel like you connected with me. These advantage.


Yeah. Yes.


Some people look at you. Whatever.


No, people with red hair.


Am I not right? No.


When I first saw you see the.


Freckles in the vagina?


Is it like freckles on the vagina?


Some redheaded women have freckles on their vagina.


Anyway, when I saw you, I was like, Jackie Chan got fat as fuck. But I was excited that you got funny.




Jackie Chan. That's fun.


Well, that's my childhood. If Annie.


Yeah, but Jackie Chan. That's what you came up with, right?


Now look up Fat Jackie Chan and see if it's not you. Watch. Look at Fat Jackie Chan.


Pat, marita, maybe.


No, fat Jackie Chan.


Fat Jackie Chan.


There it is.




No, first image on the second row. Second row. First image.




Bobby Lee.


Wow. Boom.


And that's him playing Kim Jong un.


Anyway, if they don't cast. I love Annie.


If they don't cast you as that.


All right, seriously.


So Annie was your thing.


I loved Annie.


Did you not tell anybody?


Nobody embarrassed about it like that. With music, too. I'll tell people. I like Sarah McLaughlin.




She's so good.


Oh, she is. I love her, but she's great.


She's great.


I didn't know.


I thought.


No, she's good now.






Enya's great.


Anya's great.




Give me a more embarrassing band. If you're going to give me a band that's embarrassing, give me somebody that's, like, actual.


I used to get Charles Manson's music tapes.


Charles. You mean Marilyn Manson?


No, Charles Manson acoustic tapes.


Oh, right.


Oh, they're so good.


Those are good.


Okay. Yeah.


What's your embarrassing band?


Since when I was a kid. Or, like, currently.


I know you have way more now than then.


For some reason back then, I used to love. Well, like, I remember that song. I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world. It's fantastic. Made of plastic. I would put on that song when I was winding down in the gym to get me pumped up. And I would imagine myself singing that song to all my classmates. I don't know why, but I love that. I always imagine myself singing songs and I remember being at force fitness in Ridgewood, Queens, on the treadmill, hitting it at 9.0 with incline going. I'm a Bobby girl, but meaning it dead seriously, with a CD cassette, the CD Walkman. And I listened to a lot of in sync. I loved NSYNC. I loved Backstreet Boys. I would listen to all that. And right now, my favorite band is the 1975. I go to all their concerts.


You're friends with these guys?


Well, yes. I've slowly but surely slowly become friends with. One of the best days I had in my life was about three weeks ago when I was texting the lead singer, Maddie Healy, and I said something to him, and I made him laugh, and I screenshot it and saved it and asked jasmine to print it out, and she called me an F-A-G-O-T. Let.


Me ask you something.


Are there people.


Okay. As we get a name, right, sometimes people that we didn't like before now like us because they were famous or whatever, and then we start liking. I don't know how to name names. Is there anyone like that where you're like, before you were Chris DeStefano, you're like, fuck that guy. But now that they're reaching out to you, let's hang out then. You like them now?


No. I think what's happened, though, is people that I used to tweet at just talking shit, having fun. In 2012, 2013, where I was just, like, letting stuff rip. That's how it used to be. Some of those people, I've seen it, like Joey Fatone from in sync now, fun guy. We never really spoke, but I know that. But in 2013, 2014, for no reason, I would just tweet crazy stuff about Joey Fatone for no reason. I don't even actually remember what. Just random days I'd be like, hey, what's up? Good morning. On this beautiful Wednesday, I just want to say, I fucking hope Joey Fatone falls off a cliff for no reason. For literally zero, zero.


Does he remember that shit or, you.


Know, now I know people are close friends with it. And I've been around him a couple of times. He's such a great guy that, like, regret doing that, but I was literally tweeting stuff back. Know I've tweeted. I was talking to Don Depeda about this, who I always travel with, who just got a haircut. I think it looks very nice.


He shaved his beard, too.


He shaved his beard.


He looks good. He looks like a good boy. And I told him that there's so many things when people weren't listening. People weren't listening at all. In 2011, I would just tweet and think it was funny to the hundred people in different times. And then sometimes they'll pop up. Or a guy around my social media would say, hey, do you want me to permanently delete this tweet? And I always say, no. I'm just like, whatever. But I would just say, nut shit back then. That could cause a lot of harm today.


I want to know who you're talking about.


Well, here's what I'm saying. So what I'm saying is that there's one guy that I was not that huge of a fan of, and maybe I would make fun of or whatever, but when I actually summoned person, I acted like a fucking bitch.




Corey Feldman.




So I was, like, at a premiere, and I was sitting next to Kalila, and Ike Baronholt was sitting here, and I looked to my left and I go, oh, my God, it's Corey Feldman.


And you got so tight.


You got all.


I got so shy.


You got hyped up about it. Did he even acknowledge you?


And he looked over and I walked up to him, I go, hey. And his bodyguard, he goes, hey, I'm a big fan. And then Corey put the sunglasses down and hello. And you know how they should shake like this, and then you have to reach out, right? It's not this.


I don't like that.


No, I love it. This is so fucked up. Not this.


It's like Mini Hitler, this.


They leave a gap. So you put your fingers in there.


And you slide it. You pac manned?


Yeah. Yeah.


You pac man? It's like a toaster. And you put your fucking hand.


How long do you leave it in there?


Two or three, 2 minutes? Yeah, I want it like medium burnt.


Are you still friends with him?


Yeah. What?


Are you still friends with him?


Never got his number. Nothing. But he goes, hello.


Like this.


Put this sunglass. He went like this. He went like this. And the guy, bodyguard goes, big fan. And he goes, doesn't even look at me. He goes, hello. Right? And then I walk back.


I want.


Corey Feldman on the show. Get on the show, Corey, if you want to fucking come on the show.


The only thing that know grew know in New York, a big Yankees fan. New York Yankees fan. And Bernie Williams, the center fielder for the Yankees, was always my favorite baseball player. And then out of nowhere, one day, I got a message from Bernie Williams Instagram. It wasn't him as guy runs it, he was like, hey, Bernie Williams knows your comedy. His daughter is a fan. He wants to know if you want to perform at his 50th birthday party. All the Yankees will be there. Joe Tory and Arod and Jeter and Passana, all these guys. And for me, I was like, oh, my God. I was like, I have to do this. This is like a dream come true. And I went out there for Bernie Williams 50th birthday in a room this size. It was a private, obviously, party with the classic four World Series title winning New York Yankees. And I absolutely bombed for 15 minutes in front of them all, to the point where Bernie Williams was, like, on his own while I was bombing. Started clapping me off. He was like, happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Yeah.


And now what are you feeling when that's happening?


It literally, I swear to God, I was locking eyes with Joe Tory, who was like, the know, manager of the team, and he did not crack a smile. Nothing. He was just looking at me. I almost felt like he was saying, like, just, dude, please, sir, just stop it. The only person who was laughing was Bernie Williams'manager, who booked me, who thought it was absolutely hilarious that I was.


Just watching you bomb. Must be the funniest thing imaginable.


Well, you laugh a lot. I'm sure you're, like, trying to laugh.


Your way out because you're not going to care. I think in your mind, you're smiling. You have a smirk, right? And you know you're bombing.




You know you're self aware.


I'm self aware.




Yes, I'm self aware. I felt the sweat running down my back onto the top of my ass crack, even though it was the middle of the winter. I saw Arod. I mean, not caring. I did the best I absolutely could. I cursed way too much. There were kids in the audience. It was absolutely the wrong choice. And I ate it really hard in front of my absolute hero. Not even that much money. It was an opportunity. It was just an opportunity.




And then I did the same thing about four years later for the owner of the New York Mets. I bombed even harder. I swear to God, I bombed even harder for the New York Mets staff. And Tommy Matola. Tommy Matola was there. Great guy.


Famous music producer.


Famous music producer. And I was bombing again hard. And I said to him, I said, tommy. I said, tommy Matola. I said, tommy, you know, your ex wife, Mariah Carey? I said, I had a picture up of her in my know, just. I didn't even know where that was going to go.




I don't know. I have no idea why. And he know something happened I said something after that, and then Tommy Matola, in the middle of it, he goes, yeah. He goes, why don't you talk about my ex wife again? He goes, that was a good.


You guys. You know, Andrew and I, bad friends, we have an online store. We sell stuff online. And Shopify is the way to go if you're going to do that. Guys, when I started podcasting, an online store was the furthest thing from my mind. Now I'm selling t shirts and beanies, and it's so easy, all because I use Shopify.


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And then I bombed that. But the owner of the Mets son became close personal friends with me. So now I got in with the Mets through know at his know at the owner.


So now you can go any game.


Any game.


Sometimes bombing pays off.




Bombing pays. Not with the Yankees. The Yankees have. Now the Yankees have said, I'm not like, yeah, but that makes sense.


You can't bomb with the Yankees.


Can't bomb.


Can't bomb with the wow.


And because I'm friends with the Mets, can't do anything really with the Yankees anymore.




Kind of lost my Yankees privilege.


You're a diehard Yankees fan.


I am, but that's a weird predicament. It's a weird thing. I don't like it because I'm city first. The whole thing of having two sports teams in a city just sucks. I hate that. Like Chicago, there's only one team to choose.


That's the Cubs.




It's the Cubs.


The Cubs. You just choose them?




You love those bums.


Nobody's going to root for the White Sox, but the Yankees and Mets, they both have great fans.


Yeah, that's different. You don't get killed if you go to stadium.


No, no, it's just city field.


No, no, shay Stadium.


Okay, Shay Stadium.


But shouldn't we reserve the name for what it used? Like, I still call it Staples Center. I don't call it crypto. When I go downtown, call it Staples center. No, I'm not going to give it up. I'm going to stick it out.


You should.


It's not crypto. I'm going to the crypto. I call it the arena.


If I transition and my name is fucking Barbara. Call me Barbara.


Your name is Bobby.


No, Barbara.


I met you as Bobby. If I transition Barbara, I don't give a shit if you cut off your dick in front of me. Your name is Bobby.


My pussy would be real tight.


It's just B-O-B-I-E. That's all it is.


Oh, good point.


Yeah, I would just.


Bobby Lee, change it. Bobbi, can I do that?




Bobby Altoff.


Like, keep the e, please.


All right, Bobby I E. Okay.


Thank you. I like how he compromised.


Fuck it. Have you ever embarrassed yourself in front of a celebrity?


I don't know if I want.


I have one. You go, I was at Maria Menounos's Christmas party.




Ooh, yummy.


You know who that is?


She's beautiful.


But he knows Maria Menudos. What the fuck you.


But this is about 15 years ago. She doesn't know who I am. Yeah, but that year she did.


She still doesn't know who you are. I know Maria Menudos.


Maria Menounos thinks you hosted the Golden Globes.


Did you see John Choi on the Golden Globes?


He's so cute.


He was good.


Yeah, the audience didn't get him.


They didn't get it.


They didn't get it. So I did a movie with her.


What movie?


It was a Jamie K. They were kicking her old school.


Oh, kicking it.


She's in. She's like the love interest. So I'm at her party and I'm, like, by myself, sitting at a couch in some backyard. I'm sitting next to a guy. I swear to fucking God, I thought he was, like, a software engineer. He's wearing glasses. You know what mean?




A white dude.


White nerd.


Yeah. Like, he's editor. He looks like an editor.


Okay, right?


So he's like, hey, you do comedy? I go, yeah. Killing it. I like to kind of look at him like that because I'm like, no one else will talk to me.


Steven Spielberg.


No, but he goes, what's it like? I go, yeah, I'm just playing these runes, 100 and 5200, selling them out.


So you're boasting? I'm boasting, yeah.


Like an idiot. In this movie, we'll see what happens. And I talk about myself for, like, 30 minutes.




For 30 minutes I talk about myself. Right? And when I was leaving, I got off. I got to see you later, dude. And I walk up, and then I forgot it was Jamie or somebody came up to me and goes, dude, what's Josh Groban like?


Oh, there's Josh Grobe.




And I go, you just talking to Josh? Groan for like 30 minutes.


You had no idea?


No, I had heard of the name. I just couldn't put a face to the name. And then. Shame.


No, seriously, the grobe still likes.


No, I still want to turn around, go, dude, I'm a loser.


No, what you're having is you're having that spotlight kind of thing where you think they're thinking about you and upset. But he didn't know.


I know, but if he's selling out, probably theaters or whatever. He's selling out. I'm saying I'm selling out the Sacramento punchline. It doesn't fucking look good.


Yeah, but he's not a comic, so.




It's different. If he was a comedian, it'd be weirder.


But he's a musician.


It's two different worlds.


I guarantee you.


You're a big star.


I guarantee you listening? I've got nothing, Bobby. I guarantee. Guarantee.


I guarantee you do. Fuck you, dude.


I guarantee.


Thank you so much.


Josh Groban went home. I guarantee you, Josh Groban went home, told his wife, her partner, he said, we got to go see Margaret Cho. She just told me how well she's doing. And then he went and saw Margaret Cho and she couldn't understand why he was at the show because she thought.


Yeah, all right with you?


That's fine.


Very good.


Did I tell the australian story about Russell Crowe?


No, you told me. No, that's the best story. You got to say that story.


Say the story. Because you know what? I'm going to take bar from Marcus Aurelius and the stoics. You never step in the same river twice.


That's right.


And also kind of say that I think I'm doing a movie with them with Russell. Russell Crowe in two months.


So should I be?


It's like locked in. So it's like, are you gladiator, too?


I want you.


What, are you in gladiator, too?


Are you in gladiator?


You got a present?


Yeah. Let's see.


What the gift that you fuck. Hold on, let me see. Fancy brought us something back from little Bobby. Oh, no, I know what it is.


A little butt crack.


I know what it is. It's probably something that's going to make me take a nap.


Oh, weed.


No, I know what it is. This is from. Fancy brought us back from Spain because he got back from Spain.




Oh, look at this. Is this an ashtray? No.


What is a stupid mask? It's a porcelain mask.


Is that for the next pandemic?


What is that?


Get out of here.


Honestly. These are cool, dude.


Yeah, these are very.


Poppies is going to be broken. Just threw it on the floor. His fingers are all bloody.




Does this go on my wall?


These are great.


Now, is this for good luck?




The price tags in here. 699. Fucking cheap. These are beautiful.


Oh, look.


That one looks more like you.


Yes, because those, the eyes are closer to the.


What is this one? This is not luck.


Yeah. It's death. I see.


Is it death?


So fancy.


Explain. What are these called? What is this called?


It's called Sargadellos, which is a ceramic company.


Sargadello in Galicia.


What does Sargadello mean?


And there's no. It doesn't mean anything. It's just the name of the guy who created it. And it's all based on the mythology of the celtic region, where Galicia is from.


Wow. Did you understand anything he just said?


No, but these are one of those things 200 years from now, like at the antique rogue show, it's going to.


Be worth like 500 grand.


Yeah, easily.


It could be.


It has one of those marks. So I could see it at an antique store and somebody just buying it for a dollar and then going to antique some guys. This is a Salgan Antano.


I don't even know where you got this from.


Yes, but the fact that you have.


A sargadello in good condition, these things would auction for anywhere between $250 to $400,000. This, my friend, is in impeccable condition. Sagadello. Like I've never seen.


He still has the box.


Oh, my God. In the box.


And the paper.


Rarely do we ever see the box. We never see the box, Sagadalo.


But I would value this at anywhere between $700,004.8 billion given an auction. This is very nice. Fancy. Thank you so very much.


Are you going to put that up in the house? The sangrellos?


This is going to go in my garage.


There you go.


My fucking house. Would you out of your mind?


No way.


I value my home.


There you go.


We should bring this to an antique store, see how long it would take for them to sell it.


You know what's going to really happen? We're going to leave it in the studio and never see it.


Oh, that's right.


I thought.


Leave it here. Can I have it?




Bring back a gift for my kids?






So here I was down in Australia shooting that movie, and we were out.


I'm going to say it.


Well, Ricky Stynicky, it says, come yeah, well, we're out. I was at. This is too many names, but we were at Zac Efron's house, and we were drinking and hanging out, and then Pete Fairley, the director, calls and goes, hey, do you want to go to Russell Crowe's house? And immediately I was like, yeah, what the fuck? Of course I want to go to.


But does a little bit of social anxiety come up, even a tad bit like, shit, don't blow it in front of Russell Crowe. Even though I know you've been around everybody.


No, because we were with so many people, I knew it wasn't a small get together. There were already people at his house. So it made me feel comfortable in that. If it was just us, I'd be a little fucked up about it. I'd be like, I don't want to go to Gladiator's house.




So he's like, yeah, dude, he's got a great crib. He's going to have us over. So we're drinking, and I'm getting a little stony, and we show up to the gladiator's house, and it's exactly the way you think it would be. It's fucking beautiful. I mean, beautiful on the water and everything. Yeah, I don't deserve to be there. I took my shoes off, and then one of the guys was like, put your shoes back on. I thought we were. I took my shoes off because I thought, don't you take your shoes off? I mean, you people. Don't you take your shoes off?


Yeah, when I go to people's houses.


I take my shoes off.


Well, I always. Because my family's puerto rican, I take my shoes off. But I always have a backup pair of.


A. He's a legendary actor, right?


A list.


A list. Legendary legend. If I was walking to, like, Robert De Niro's house, I'd be very aware about not touching things.


I wouldn't go.


I wouldn't probably go.


I'd blow it.


But my point is that there are some people like that, and then there are some people. Ah, fuck it. I'm gonna throw the glass down.




So who would be like, Steve Buscemi? Would you be nervous going to his house?


No, he lives in a house.


They would live in a condo or something, right? Yeah.


Buscemi lives in some kind of weird.


I would go to that one for.


His teeth on gold bloom. I'd want to see Goldblum.


Oh, yeah, that'd be fun.


I want to see where he lives.


I want to see where Tom Cruise lives. I want to see where he lives.




You wouldn't.


Would you go to his party?


I would go to Tom Cruise's party, yeah, I would 100% go to Tom Cruise's.


Hey, what's up, man?


You got to take off all your clothes before you come in.




Leave your shoes on, but take your clothes off.


They say he knows everybody's name. He remembers everybody's name. Tom Cruise. That's supposedly what. That's my house on Staten Island.


I would go to one Tom Cruise party. But you wouldn't make it out, right? You'd have to stay, right? That's what I've heard. They'd stay. Once you go in, you don't come. Know that. You know, get out. He does get.


In. Did I ever tell you my Phil Collins story when I met Phil Collins? No, I told the story. I thought I told it here, maybe I didn't. It's on one of my specials. So I get invited to the Knicks game, right? This is, like, 2016. So it was Easter Sunday, and the Knicks and Philadelphia 76 ers were the bottom of the league. They were the last place NBA teams. So nobody wanted to go on Easter Sunday and sit courtside at the Knicks game. I had never gotten a call. I knew some people at MSG, but I never gotten the call to sit courtside. So they call me the morning of. They're like, listen, we got two empty seats. You can sit courtside, okay? Bring somebody. Don't talk to anybody, okay? This is Madison Square Garden. Don't talk. Don't talk to anybody. They said, there probably will be a couple. They said, we know there are a couple of other big celebrities that are going to be sitting around you guys. Don't acknowledge them, don't talk to them. Like, we're giving you this opportunity for whatever. But it was because it was Easter Sunday and it was last place teams, and people didn't want to go.


So I call my dad. So my father is like, 100% I'm in. We used to sit in the upper rafters, whatever. So we go and we sit down, and my dad immediately start. I was sitting here. My dad was in the middle, and then there was famous guy sitting next to him. And my dad immediately starts talking to this guy, just immediately starts talking to him, chatting him up, talking about crazy shit. And I swear to God, I didn't even look over to see who it was because I was, like, wildly embarrassed. But I'm not going to tell my dad not to say anything. So I hear my dad telling this guy that his son's a comedian. He's talking, and my dad goes, Chris, where are you again? Next weekend, this guy become a come show. I swear to Christ. I was performing at Bananas Comedy club.


I've been there.


It's inside a Holland express in Hasbro Heights, New Jersey.


I've done it.


It's off the side of route 17. Yeah. It wasn't even remotely close to being sold out. I had sold, like, 100 tickets over the course of a weekend.


Is that the old jewish couple that own it?




I got to tell you something. Okay?


So I'm like, bananas comedy club?


He goes, yeah.


So I said, bananas comedy club down. But I said, we're not supposed to be talking to these people. Like, just let's watch the game. And I hear my dad immediately go, yeah, bananas comedy club. That's where it'll be. If you are in New York, come through. And then I'm like, okay. So my dad's talking, whatever. He had Easter candy.




My dad was talking to Easter candy, and he's giving my dad Easter candy. And I'm like, and my dad's like, you want a Cadbury? What do you want? I was like, I don't want any candy. Just trying to watch the Phil Collins. My father was talking to Phil Collins. He had no idea. He had no idea who Phil. He has no idea who Phil Collins is. Doesn't know anything. They put Phil Collins up on the.


Jumbotron kiss cam with your dad?


No, they put him up on the jumbotron, and I've never seen this. Normally, they just throw a picture up or whatever they play coming in the air tonight, and I've never seen this in Madison Square garden during a live game during a timeout. They put the lights down, and then put this guy in the jumbo tride, and he got a standing ovation because he's Phil Collins. Okay. And my dad turns to me, goes, who the fuck is he? And I go, dad, that's Phil Collins?




Within 5 seconds of the lights coming down, I have my head down. I'm like, oh, that was pretty cool. I see the people walking with the cameras, and I see their shoes stop right in front of me. And they take the camera, and the lady comes over. I swear to Christ. The lady from the Knicks staff comes over. She goes, Chris, destalocalo. I said, desteyo. She goes, you're up next. I said, what do you mean? She goes, we're going to put you on the jumbotron. Just wave. It'll be great. They put me on the jumbotron. I swear to Christ, they put me on the jumbotron. I have video footage of this. They put me on the jumbotron. Absolute pin drop silence. Nobody's saying anything. I swear to Christ. And this is not a bit. I swear to Christ. The only thing I feel is my father's hand rubbing my back. And he's going, it's going to be all right, Chris. It's going to be all right. And then I swear to Christ, I'm getting my back rub by my dad. As soon as it's over, all of a sudden, a hand reaches across. It's Phil Collins with a bag of Easter candy, a bag of Cadbury eggs.


And he goes, and he goes, it's going to be all right. That's what he said. So that was like a horrific experience. But then because of the bomb and all that, and my dad has just got like that gift again. Phil Collins, like, loved my dad. Like, they were talking. He fucking loved my dad.




Then he started asking me, he's like, oh, so you do comedy? And I said, yeah, you know, like trying, whatever. And he was, you know, if they're putting you up there, they must think you have potential. So just keep.


Wait, did the people know, though, who you were then? Maybe because you're a New York guy now?




Not at all.


Tell me about the old jewish company at go bananas.


Oh, I didn't forget it. Why cop that story, man. That story was so good.


It is a good story.


Phil fucking Collins.


Phil Collins, bro. But it was. It was, you know, I can feel.


It coming in the edge of night copying what you said, bud.




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Every time I do a performance, I exert a lot of energy and I put my life essence on the stage.


You really do?


Yeah, all of it.


That's why when you get home late at night, what do I eat?


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That's code badfriends 50 at badfriends 50 to get 50% off. I'm going to privately tell you. I'm not going to say who, but somebody told me they were like, I can't explain this to you, but I'm so attracted to Carlos.


Oh, wow.




And I was like, wait, seriously?


Wait, Bobby, are you mad at that?




And she was like, something about his.


I get it.


Something about this. No, no. She loved your bald and your hair.


It's like, stavros. Stavros is another reason she was obsessed with his head.


She was like, she goes, tell him not to shave his.


Like, it's like, you look so bad. It's good. I'm sure we've talked about this before, how they're Carlos. The way fancy talks. His name should be Carlos, and Carlos should be fancy. Like, when Fancy starts talking, like, I.


Got you a gift.


That guy's name should be Carlos. Yeah, you're right.


But do you know what his real name is? Fancy's real name?


Fabrizio. Yes.






His name is Andres.


Oh, yes.




Which is just Andrew in Spanish. Just me in Spanish.


Carlos physically assaulted me in the original room. Like, physically, literally physically assaulted a couple nights ago.


Well, I know, look, but that's because he looks like Ari Shafir. That's too.


And I want an apology on air.


Dude, what did you.


No, no, Bobby, you called me and apologized for what you did.


What did you do?


Bobby threw water on me in the did.


What the hell is that about?


Dude, half the audience during someone's set.


Oh, the thing is, who was on stage? I think Adam Ray, man, he can take the bit.


Why did he throw water? Why'd you throw water?


No. What Carlos and McCone do from our show. Yes, you do. Yes, you do.


I don't, bro.


You did.


I did.


That one time.




You do all the time. What they do is they pull their weight, their bad Fred's weight, and they sit in the booths in the back, in the original room where, like, the comics sit.


They told me, I shut the fuck.


Up for a second.




The paid regulars can only sit. You know what it is like in the cellar, that corner booth?


Yes. Literally, I walk in the OR, and they're sitting like they're smoking. No, but, yeah, there's nothing in their fingers.


You guys are doing this, not even smoking.


And you know what Carlos did? He did the.


Corey Feldman.


He passed you.




But he was fucked sitting there, and it drove me crazy. I just threw water on them.


I get that.


So I up and grabbed his dick.




Oh, that's not okay. Do you want to clear the air?


Well, I want to apologize for that, for real. But also, something happened at the airport with your mom that we never told.


Okay. Is it going to upset me? Yeah.


Is it what I did with her in the lounge? In the Delta lounge?


It's worse.


Oh, shit.


Tell it to me. I'm fine.




I want to look in the camera. This camera right here. I'm embarrassed, and I'm going to be real.


I know.


And my real reaction. Go ahead.


Carlos gave her a bump of coke.




When she was going to her gate, we were in different terminals, and she didn't want us to help her anymore because she was over it. And when I was hugging her, I hit her in the face really hard.


Like, I swung my arm at her.


You physically assaulted Bob's mom?


And she was like, oh, it's okay. But then I was, like, super apologetic, but I definitely hit Bobby's mom.


So you gave her. Wow.




That's so fucked up, dude.


I was sober, bro.


What? I was sober, though, at the time. Yeah, I was. How do you feel, Bob?


I get to hit your mom now?


It's only fair, dude.


I get to hit your mom.


He gets to hit your mom as hard as he can. Close fisted, too.




She can take young.


All right. Yeah.


And she's mexican, right?


Yeah, she's from.


She could take the hit.


There you go. Imagine Carlos's mom is the one that has the hair like him.


My dad's bald. I'm just taking it crazy.


Farther. It really does look great when you guys rock it with confidence. It looks awesome.


Hell, yeah.


Why don't you tell Bobby what's up? Oh, tell Bobby now that you started. Tell him what's going on. Tell him what you told me. Be honest. The honest moment of bad.






When Andrew walked in earlier, I didn't want to tell him this, and it was hard for me to say, but I have three days sober now.


I went out, had a little slip up. Yeah, that's what I told him. It's all good.


It was hard, though. I didn't intend to drink that night. And then I drank and it was the same thing. It was crazy.


Because you went on a date.




And you felt pressured to drink.


Yeah, I felt nervous, so I had a martini and then.


Did she order a drink?




Well, I bought her drink.


No, but I'm saying, like, who ordered first?


She wanted a drink.


It was like, yeah, we're going to get drinks.


Did you tell her I don't drink?


I didn't say that.




Are you afraid to say that to a girl when you're on a date?


Right now I am.




That's normal.




You know what they say, right? For the first year of sobriety, what do they say?


Go to a meeting every day?


No, you shouldn't be in a relationship. Oh, that's all. Okay. Shouldn't be in a relationship.


It was tough. It was tough.


Work on yourself, okay?


It's all the same and no more glory holes.


But can he be out there getting pussy?


No, you're not supposed to.


But I saw glory hole on a dating app. I sent you the picture.


I know you sent me the glory hole picture. Trust me, I log all of them. But when you said it to me, you didn't go to it, though.


I didn't go.


And I didn't go to the milking table.


I told you not to go.


Yeah, I didn't go, okay.




I didn't go.


You can't go?




Just take a year off from glory holes? Yeah, I think so. Is that not in the book? In the twelve steps?


It's not in the book, but what I'm saying. I was talking to Jimmy Schubert the other day. You know Jimmy.




So funny. Jimmy.




59 years old.






You like Jimmy Rip rips?


So funny.




He's one of my best budies. I love him, love him, right? He goes, yeah, guy, I'm going to Philippines right now. What's he doing in the Philippines? He's ripping ass. Sure, right? You can rip ass at any age. You're young. It's still going to be there. Your dick energy. Look at me. My little dick energy. It's still working, baby.


Nobody calls it rip ass. By the way, that's ring rip ass farting?


What do you mean?


Yeah, farting.


You said Jimmy Schubert's going to the Philippines to fart.


That guy's flying a 17 hours flight just to let it all out.


Well, you can still rip ass sexually.


Hey, I'm in the Philippines, dude. Jimmy Schubert calls turd sewer pickles.


Sewer pickles.


It's always going to be there. My point. You can rip ass your whole life.


Okay? And it's good that you're being open and honest. I think that's a big thing.


Yeah, you got to.




That's why I told you today.


Well, I'm appreciative. And we want to keep promoting you to stay good.


Thanks, bro.


And stay healthy. I put the bottle down. No more drinking for me for a while.






It's been gone for a while. I don't know. I just felt like I needed to.


How long? For how long have you been not drinking?


The holidays. Since before the holidays?




Did I inspire you?






No, you don't inspire me at all or influence me. No. You know what it really was was like getting older.


I don't know. Yeah, I get it.


I don't know. I've getting a little bit older. The body pains are a little bit different now, and you have a couple and. Yeah, I don't know. And I don't want to end up looking like Andres, you know what I mean?


How old is Andres?


Fucking 13. Do you enjoy some of your time in Espanya?


Yeah, it was nice.


It was good.


It was good.


Good to see family.


Good to see.


Are they proud of you?


They don't know what I'm doing. I hide this from them.


You're embarrassed about this?


Yes. Wow.


A lot of people are.


Wait, you're embarrassed about working for bad friends?


Well, yes.


No, I get it.


No, I don't. I don't get it.


I get it.


I don't get it. We're one of the top podcasts on planet Earth.


No, I know, but conquistador is all the history of these know, they're. Yeah, right. I mean, he'll tell you all the history of Spain. Give us a quick synopsis of the history of.


I only. I only know America.


Oh, you don't know Spanish?


Well, I know Spain had territories in the United States. That's why cuban people speak Spanish. And how influential the spanish colonial empire was. The invincible armada. Or you would say the invincible armada. I know them. But I don't know the history of actual mainland Spain. I don't know it as well. Other than they're know. They're the know. People speak Spanish. Most countries that speak Spanish is because Spain conquered them. Mexico. Mexico is not. They don't speak Spanish. Puerto Ricans don't speak Spanish. It's just the Spain. This is what it is about when people attack white people. It's like, well, then you have to attack spanish people, too, because they were worse than our whites. And though you know who was the absolute worst? Asians. The Japanese are the worst.


No, Koreans.


Koreans very bad.


No, they're not.


We read on this show that they have the largest unbroken chain of slavery in the history of the world.


Aside from that, though. Aside from that. We're it.




Yeah, that's it.


It's insane.




But do China, the countries that Japan occupied, do they speak Japanese? No, they let them keep their language.




But the Spanish did not. You talk like we talk.




What do you mean?


That's a spanish accent.




The Spanish Inquisition. Very bad spanish inquisition. But people just want to talk about whites. Oh, you want to talk about white people being. What about the Spanish Inquisition? Very not good.


No? Bien. No?




I think they consider us white, right?


Who does? Not us.


Well, exactly.


I'm not inviting you to party.


Let me see your papers.


Where were you on Jan six? Were you there? Did you go to the anniversary?


I was looking.




He was thinking about it.


For me, Jan six was a hell of a holiday this year because it was my holiday, of course, storming the Capitol. But then also, it's little Christmas.


I know. You're so wild.


That's the puerto rican little Christmas. So I had a big, big day. That was my big day of the year.


Little Christmas.


Little Christmas.


Pecania Naveda.


Pecania navel. What do you do on little Christmas?


Three kings. Three kings fest. And then, you know, in Puerto Rico, so we just kind of. I give my family gifts wrapped up in aluminum foil.


Then they use that foil to clean with it.




I'm going to go fucking scrap.


And then I say, come on. This is what we're going to take our lunch with. Best day of the year. Best day.


When you pack the kids lunch, what's the lunch that you pack?


Sometimes when jazz makes lunch, she makes good lunch for them, like sandwiches and stuff. But sometimes jazz is my girl, Jasmine, my girlfriend, my girlfriend, the mother of my kids. But the other day, my kids, jazz, she'll have early. She's a fitness instructor, so she'll have early classes sometimes. And she asked me to pack the kids lunch. And the other day, I had no idea what to give them for lunch, so I just took out Tupperwares, and I gave them leftover tortellini Alfredo. And then they couldn't eat it because it was, like, frozen together. And they called the school. They were like, your kids have no lunch. They can't eat this lunch. And jasmine was like, what did you give them for lunch? It was like, tortellino Alfredo and Tumbleware. She was like, are you a fucking asshole? Why would you do that? I was like, what did you want me.


They don't have a microwave at school. Fucking heat it up.


No, the kid, they won't let.


Dude, you know what?


It is crazy with how much the world's changed. The pandemic. This is one of the biggest, most fun parts of lunch that they've taken away. My kids in school cannot share their food with their friends. You can't do trades.


I would trade you a dunkaroo for some kimchi.


Yes, kimchi, by the way, probably wouldn't make that trade.






I'd be like, don't talk to him. He has nothing good to offer him.


Oh, really? Go chijong.






Gay kimchi. No.


I would say, bobby, why is my food is. But. But they won't let them trade food anymore. It sucks.


That is bullshit. That was such a big thing in school.


Did you look forward to swapping?




Because there was always a kid who had all the good shit. I never got good shit. I never had anything.


Fuck. They made me eat lunch at school.




Yeah, my kids eat lunch at school.


No, they didn't pack. We had food at school. Lunch.


I used to have school lunch.


The fucking fucked up pizza, all that stuff.


Tater tots, shitty pizza, burgers. How often did you steal? Did you steal the food from the cafeteria?


No. You know what I would do? I would escape, because we belonged to Stone Ridge Country Club.


Stop licking your lips after you say why?


I don't know.


I love it.


It's devious.


So we went to Stone Ridge. We would escape, go to Stone Ridge. They had a restaurant. And because my parents remembers, I used to get gourmet hamburgers and then sign it over. Right.


That's unbelievable. You live like this?




And then I would go back to school and people were, like, eating these fucking ham sandwiches. I just had a gourmet fucking thick ass french fries, a Diet Coke, steak, fries.


Love it.




And a sundae.


I used to steal from our cafeteria all the time, and I'd put the burgers in my pockets. I'd have as many burgers I could put in my pockets.




I loved stealing from school. That was like my favorite thing to do. How much shit could I steal? Just steal it all. I was a big thief because I didn't want to pay for it. I didn't have any money anyway, right.


My school had. Did you guys have this in the 80s? We had a fucking whole area with a fence. Smoking.


Yeah, smoking.


We had smoking, yeah, we had a.


Smoking in high school.


No, we couldn't smoke.


Kids just smoking cigarettes.


We had a patio off of one of our main, kind of like, oh, actually it was a freshman sophomore cafeteria and then it was a junior senior area. And then off of there was an indoor, there's a patio and kids could smoke out there. If you were a senior, you could go out there and smoke. I thought that was so fucking wild because I didn't think much of it until later that I was like, wow, that's crazy. That used to be able to fucking. Just walk outside and smoke and come back inside.


I was scared because it was the heavy metalrs. It was a cool guides, mexican heavy metal people. So they're scary.


They're the scariest.


They're the scariest. They all look like slash.


I hate it because the honey buns, I used to like honey buns and the honey bun machine was over by the smoking door. And I fucking never would go over there if there was older kids by the door smoking because I didn't want them to make fun of me. Right. If there was nobody outside, I'd go get a honey bun. But that was my biggest deflection was smokers.


I've been trying to talk about my love life all day, man.


Love life.


You haven't even brought it up once.


And then I want to talk about my love life.




Are you doing good?




Oh, that's great.


Go ahead.


I have a new theory. I'm going to edge love.


So you're going to edge love. You're not going to go. You're not even edging in sex, but love. You're not going to go all the way in with love.


I'm not even going to meet them.


Well, I don't know if that's edging.


I'm not going to check it out.


I think you've misinterpreted what edging is.


No, I think you're misinterpreting what I'm saying.




All right. May I explain, please? Like in sex, right? I'm about to come. I'm about to come.




But I don't come.


That's edging.




That's edging.


Right. Yeah.


I'm going to see her. I'm going to see her. I'm not going to see her. Right. So that mystery and that, you know what I mean? What's going to happen is always there and then you just never see each other.


Could you be filling this time doing something constructive?


What do you mean, man?


I don't know.


Like comedy or job or like anything.


No, this is side stuff.


But you're not really doing it.


Yes, I am doing it.


It's like you're mapping out the plans to a building and you're never going to build it.


That's exactly. You're edging architecture.


Why would you be an architectural edger?






Because it's like the dream of it. Because what I realize is once you hook up, it loses that magic.




Well, that's a piece of it.




It's all about the chase, the anticipation of it all.


The hunt is better than the kill.


Right. So it's like what I said, such a drug addict. That's a drug addict thing.


Or you're chasing the endorphins of it. That is the definition of what you're doing.




Because I realize being single, and once you do it, and then once you're in the smashing and you come and you do all that, it loses something. So I'm just going to try this for the next year.


This is why, TikTok, every girl on there is like, men are fucking me up.




Because this is going to fuck them up.


Are you masturbating to them?




You have to.


You don't come lie.




I don't.


Terrible lie.




In fact, last night, I haven't masturbated in four days and what? I'm not revealing this, but I swear to God, four days. I didn't masturbate last night. I go, you know what? Bobby deserves a little session, right? I have a machine. I have a machine suck master 3000, right. But it broke because I got too much water in it. Because I do it in the bathtub.




So, like, the electrical components rusted.






I put the batteries in there sitting in the tub.


Why don't you do it in the bathtub?


I have to do it in the bathtub.


You have a water jerk.


Yeah, he likes it to the wall.


I got too much water rusted.




So I took the actual vaginal part out.




And I've been gripping that and doing it.






That's fine.


What if you got rid of the vaginal part and then just gripped it with your hand? Have you ever done that?


Yeah, I've done it so many years with that.




Tired of it.


Oh, you're over it?


I'm over it. Did it broke?


I know when I would get bored of, like, my hand, I would jerk off with my catcher's mitt.


That's what I'm saying. Yeah, right.


You're talking about your girlfriend's face.


Let me finish my thing. So last night I'm in the bathtub and I was like, fuck, I can't fuck it, right? So I'm going to edge it all.


Oh, you're edging all of it?


I'm edging all of it. Then what do you guys think?


I think we voiced it halfway through.


It was a bad idea.


I think it's going to work.


I think it sounds like a bad idea.


Does let me try it, though.


I think.


What about abstinence in general? Just say no thank you to everything and that you don't have to set your.


Because I like the cutesy shit.




That's. I like the babes.


Right? You want to be a cutesy poo?


Hey, babe.


Hey, babe. My podcast every Thursday.


Yeah, go check that out with salvo. Kano, what's your love? You want to talk about?


Was I.


You sounded like you wanted to.


I don't know.


I was going to think of a Kalila joke, but I couldn't. No, I'm good. My thing.


You want to fuck Kalila?


No, I actually don't.


Why don't you say it's nicer? Do you want. I don't hang out with her.


I don't. Yeah, I don't.


I love her so much.


I don't want to fuck.


So funny, dude.


I'm crazy. I'm a crazy person.


Hey, whatever, dude. You only live once.




This might all be a simulation. You ever think about this? Let me put this. Some of you ever heard this? What about this? This was brought up by my podcast partner, Mike Cannon, who's with me now. My podcast every week at Chrissy Chaos.


Is that guy little guy there?


No, no. Mike Cannon's back on the east coast. That's Don de PETA. That's little Don. And then Steve Chaconi.


Riceirone Steve Chaconi.


Where do you get, like a little Manson guy like that?


Little Stevie like that. I got him at Guitar center. He was on the show.


He's got like, the handsome structure of the face, but if he was taller, it'd be good. But he's so small, so it ruins it, right? Yeah, he's like a wish version almost there, but not.


You're going to do shows down. This will be out by the time you already did them. Were you doing Embraer?


Where are you? No, I'm doing the Magnolia Theater in San Diego. And then I'm doing the Wiltern Theater in LA. And let me tell you, I got two words. Big mistake. He's about 50% sold on both shows. Big mistake. Where's a wiltern?


Huge. When's a wiltern?




This Saturday.


It'll sell.


We'll tweet about it. I literally have 50% of the room sold on both. I was like, trying to beg my agent. I was like, can we just cancel? And he was like, no.


Bring up Christie comedy right now.




And I also need help in Nashville at the Ryman. Kid bit off more than he can cheat you.


We had a great time. At the Ryman?


At the Ryman, yeah.


Two upcoming shows there. Upcoming shows?




I feel like I'm slowly slipping out of comedy.


No, dude.


I don't know why. It's an honest feeling. I'm hoping it's going to go away. The will turn.


There it is. Fuck me.


Let's see.


Let's see how bad. Go to the seat view map. We'll just see what.


Yeah, we want to see what it looks like.


Let's see what a shit fest this is.


No, what do you mean? The floor is totally up top.


But I'll tell you what.


Plus symbol.




Go to the plus symbol in the top. Right. Click on that.




What do you mean that's sold?


Andrew. Andrew. No. You know what they do here? They're blocking out seats on the digital map. So it forces you to buy. I don't think I've sold curtains. No, there's curtains up.


I would assume you're selling out. No, you're selling out.


I'm telling you, there's no way I have that many tickets.


Bob and I are going to promote it. You're selling.




You're not going to come to our city and not sell out.




But it wasn't mean. When I come to LA, we probably should just do the comedy clubs. That's probably the better idea.


Well, here's the problem. It's like, with me and this guy in, I'll be, I'll see you in a week. When I go to New York, when someone's like, hey, do you want to go play what did I play that you came to? I played city. Town hall.


Town hall?




And they were like, you want to do that again? No, I'd rather just play the cellar and whatever and work out because it's a workout city. LA is tough, too. It's a workout city. We're all here.




And I also did the bray improv, the oxen improv.


Well, those are good because they're away.


Right. But I would assume it has something to do with.


Why don't you just do Irvine and improv?


No, I.


So much money.


I should have probably next year, moving forward.


Hey, we're playing Reno. We're doing the grand Sierra.


I mean, my tickets there are so beyond dog shit. It's unbelievable what a full fucking zero I am.


What are we at Reno?


You know what's funny?


I have like 500 tickets sold out. If there's 2500 seat, let it load. You cannot imagine. I think I have 10% of the room sold there. I'm just going because the next day I'm interviewing Jerry Rice at the Super bowl. That's cool, right?


Wait, you're in Reno? What day?


February eigth.


Friday. We're there on the third. We're there before you, Shaisa. Yeah, but our tickets are bad in Reno, too, you know why? Fucking this casino. It's a casino in Reno.


It's a nice guarantee up front. So that's why I took it. I figured. And I love state capital, so Carson City's capital, Nevada, is 20 minutes away. But they're laughable. The only one I'm doing good in is the Warner Theater in DC. That one's almost sold out.


Hey, guys, let's be the comics that only do clubs now.


We just want to make the money.


It's too much.


We're playing ten shows at big theaters after that.




All right.


And then I do a sugar thing in the summer. And then after that, clubs.


But you guys, let's talk about our little beef. You're leaving me for Segura?


Oh, come on now.


Go ahead and say it. Go ahead and tell the world what you did. I call him up, he goes out to Hawai for Segura. He does a show for him. And then he tells me I'm going to do a bunch of shows with Segura later, too. Wow, you're leaving me for Segura?


Six out.


About six shows.


That's as many as we're doing in.


The new year, right? We did 50, you and I. Yeah, right?




And then you're a bona fide, one of the greatest headliners. You know what I mean?


Not me.




Wherever the wind takes me, I go.


No, it's okay. If that's how you want to end this whole thing.


We're not ending, dude, if this is how you want. Shut the fuck up. See what he's doing? Let me see. I'm sorry, guys.


Yeah. All right.


I want to say something real in here.


Dude, Tom Segura, I mean, he's famous.


You know what I think you've been hearing in your head, in your asian head? I think you've been mispronouncing the word loyalty for loyalty.




You think you're loyalty. So that l and r is a big one for you right now.


Thank you.


You think you're loyalty, but we're saying loyalty, loyalty.


You want to talk about loyalty? You want to talk about loyalty right now? Dude, are we doing Australia?


Yeah, we are.


Guess who's not going? Russell Crowe.


Listen, I'm doing six shows. I'll never do it.


Okay. Does it hurt my feelings?




It really does.


Yeah, a little bit.




Am I being real?




Tom Segura. Those guys? You're going to go with those guys?


Me, Tom and Jessica Kirson.


I love Jessica, Kirsten, but Tom Segura.


Yeah. Yeah.


He doesn't need two lesbians.




To me, he doesn't need two lesbians.


Thank you for being a bad friend.


Oh, my God. Destefano is here. Dude, I haven't seen you in so long. My little fucking way.


Before we start.


Yeah, go ahead.


That's why they don't have Asians on the show.


I will rip your, honestly, start asian hate again.