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It'S the competition.


The competition is on for only a couple more weeks, ladies and gentlemen. You gotta go to We're competing to see who can sell more shirts. And the loser. The loser has to do what, Robert?


The loser has to massage the other guy.


But naked. But naked on camera.


Yeah. Yeah.


And everyone's gonna see it across the universe. This is my little beautiful I'm Bobby mom shirt. And he's got his beautiful little cartoon.


Show them something about his. It's a great shirt. It's a catchphrase. It's glorious.




But you can find that on etsy. No, my point is that this one right here, this miyazaki one. Man, it's so original. It's cute. You can wear it out. Yeah.


You can wear it out.




But this one you could wear in. So wear this inside. For this. Only two more weeks left of this competition. Once the competition is over, we don't sell the shirts anymore. That's it. And also, this weekend, we're in Salt Lake City. Then Temecula, Reno, Sacramento, Long Beach, Windsor, Niagara Falls, Tucson. Then we finish in Vegas, April 20. April 20 in Vegas, we end the tour. So that's it for a while. We're not going to tour again till 2025 or something. Go to for those tickets.


You two are bad friends.


Who are these two idiots?


White dude and an asian dude. You two are disgusting.


You two are something.


We're bad friends.


Hey, ladies.


Issa. You've done this before?


Yeah, she did it one time. Hi. Good to see you.


When did she do it? When did she do it?


I forgot. She did it last year.


Last year. At the end of last year.




All right, let me see if I won the millionaire jackpot and this was given to Bobby because Carlos hit Bobby's mom in the face pretty hard.




Ten top prizes of a million dollars. Any of your numbers match the winning numbers? Okay, so the winning numbers are 15, 228, 36 and four. Now, if I win, is it just me and you, or do we going to give some to the girls?


Give some? Yeah.


Obviously not with that attitude. Yeah.


After that attitude, you know what?


You dictate.


Deport them.


Deport. Okay, good. If I don't win, you get deported.


We're deporting them.


So, if I don't win even a little bit, even, like, a dollar, you guys are both going back to the jungle, baby.


You know where you were?


You're in the Philippines, baby, and you're going to die.


All right, 436, 20, 815 and two.


Let's go.


So, no, get out. Get out.


I don't want to go back.


Too bad, too bad. Not my problem, dude. The lotto dictated all that. 36. Man, I was two off, but twice. Really tough to win these things. I don't ever get these things. My whole family loves playing the lottery and it's the saddest shit. But the big lottery right now, I just saw in the news. What's the powerball up to right now? 88 million. Wow. Shouldn't we get it?


I'll buy the ball.


You buy the powerball.


Gigantic red ball.


Wow. That would be amazing.


How much is that? Is that ball. What is it made of?


The power ball itself?






I feel like there's liquid in it. What's in there?


It's like boba.




The power boba ball.


But also just unicorn come is inside there. Yeah. Wow.


That's where it's been the whole time.


Is unicorn cum good?


No, I don't think so. Right? Yeah, no, it's probably rainbow color because unicorns are so physically.


It's just I feel like it would taste good.


Like what?


They make Starbucks drinks out of that.


Out of unicorn.


Unicorn cup.


I also have a venti unicorn unicorn cum half sweet.


Yeah. Well, I didn't know. Is that like a side menu?


Special menu that's in the Philippines.


Oh, in the Philippines, they have it. Oh, you have unicorn cum and pog.


Pog, pog, pogpog.


Oh, he wants me to go pog pogging where you go.


You know what pogpug is?


Sifting through the trash.


What's pogpug?


Where you go?


Sifting through the tree.


Yeah. What's pogpug?


Pogpug is two unicorns fucking.


No, that's not pogbug.


It does make that sound.


But isn't there a dish in the Philippines called pogpug?


Pug. Pug?


Yeah. P-A-G-P-A-G.


Sent it to me.


Yeah, look it up.


It's when you go dumpster diving and you make food out of dumpster.


What's it called there?


Look. Pogpug.




I've never had it.


How do you say it? How do you say it? What the fuck did I say?


Well, let me hear you.


Hold on, hold on.




Say it again.




No, you say it. Yeah. They're sounding like bug, bug, bug, bug. Okay, so what it is. Look at these photos. You dig through the trash. We'll go back to the Wikipedia because I think it says there's a literal definition of it. It's the tag along term for leftover food from restaurants, usually from fast food restaurants, scavenged from garbage sites and dumpsters. And then you collect a dinner out of it. You guys have never heard of this before?


I've seen the exact Rio that I think you're talking about.




That's just.


Oh, so you've never seen people eat?




I thought that you ate that and did a shot of unicorn come.


It's probably a tradition somewhere.


Yeah, well, that's Tagalong. You guys speak the other one. Tagalo, right? What is it? Which one do you speak?




Okay. Fucking shut up. How many are there? That island is the size of, like, Los Angeles.


There's a lot of dialects.


How big is the Philippines? It's not that big.


It's not that. It's small. There's a lot of islands.


There's just so many people, though.


It's too many.


Not too many.


No, I think so.


It's a good amount.


Home to 120 and between 120 and 187 languages. That is fucking absurd.


Too many.


In America, we have one, three. Spanish.


Oh, yeah. Spanish.


Spanish, baby.




Is there a better language than Spanish? No, it's the most globally spoken language. Right?


Is it really? I thought English dominated.


No, Chinese. Chinese.


It's Mandarin.


You know what?


Chinese is Mandarin.


Since you've been here, you've been very fucking like. What?


Since you've been gone?




I can't breathe for the first time.


They're killing it.


They got to let them go.


So good.


You have to introduce for the people.


So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, hello. Welcome to another episode of Pot Tiger belly. I mean, pop. Bad friends. Bad friends. I mean, because I see them all the time. Don't get so angry. But anyway, ladies and gentlemen, let me start over. Ladies, bing bing, bing bing. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to another episode of Bad Friends, the greatest podcast on earth with the greatest host, Andrew Santino. What a handsome young man, leading actor, big star. Give him a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much. I love this podcast. Anyway, we got two beautiful. We got a regular here. She's a part of the family. We've got fucking Jules here. But then her sister from the Philippines is here for a couple of weeks. You're leaving tomorrow.


I am, yeah.


But it was really good to see you. And so give her what's your Instagram tag? Because I know you like followers, because you always want me to like you always like, should I tag you on this or you want to repost it? No. Every time we take a fucking photo, I know she wants to be famous. So every time we take a photo, you're always like, you want to collaborate or you want to? And I'm always like, fuck you. So my point is, throw your instagram out.


Okay. It's Isaiah bera, but with Azz and an R. Okay.


Double R. You heard it here first. Yeah.


How old are you now?


I'm 15.


Don't show her instagram to anybody. What are we talking about? She's a kid.


It was so weird. And when the people. How about this from here? Found me.




They started bombarding my dms. It was like the weirdest thing.


Gross. This is disgusting. This is our family here on this show, you can only DM or even follow her. Click to follow her. Is it private?




Good. And you can only even try if you're under 17, right? Under 17.


He has a boyfriend now, though.


I'm just saying in general, even if.


Like, what does that have anything to do with anything right now?


I know. You do have a boyfriend.


I do.


How old is he?


He's 16.


For a second, I thought she said 60, and I was like, welcome to America. He's 16. You're 15. He can drive.




You don't have cars there?


What is it, like the Flintstones? Wait a minute. Oh, it's in the Philippines. That's right. I forgot. Do you get licenses there at 16 or. No.


No. Yeah, the student's permit is at 17.


And then 18 is the legal driving age. But no one really drives.




I mean, you could afford. Your dad's a lawyer.


I like his car. I don't want his car.


What does he have?


Oh, he just has an Elantra. But he, like, tweaked it, so it's like.


It's a tricked out Elantra. Yeah.


Andrew, I want to tell you.


Can I tell you something? We are the best country in the world.


We are.


A lawyer drives an Elantra.


I know.


Tough times over there. A Mitsubishi Elantra is top tier.


Yeah, but they have running water. That's good.


Is that your cousin's name? Running water?


No, but at one point, they didn't have running water, remember?


No way.




No, they did.


No, they didn't. No.


But your dad has a tricked out Elantra, and you love it.




Is he going to give it to you?


I hope so.


Me too. We can ask him. Yeah, let's ask him.


And then you have two little brothers.


Yeah, they want it, too.


They want the Elantra. Oh, really? Yeah.


But you're the oldest. Yeah, so you get it.


Are they still crazy or. No, every time I see them, they're just running around in circles.


Oh, the youngest is crazy. Punch him all day.


You don't like him? How old is he?




Okay. Yeah, he's a child, but he's just so.


But they grow up faster there.


No, they don't.


Yeah, he has a mustache like fucking Manny Pacquiao.


They're born with mustaches in the Philippines. What were you going to ask me? What?


Oh, no. I was going to tell you that my mom has, like, the biggest crush on you. Also, why is there a dick pic on your house?


What's up?


Of what?


Of, like, dicks. There's, like, a big dick and, like, small, small dicks around it.


Pull polaroids. What are you doing? You have dick pics at your house on the wall?


I literally have no idea.


Whose dicks are they?


I literally have no idea.


Whose dicks do you have on your wall? Whose dicks are on your wall at your house?


First of all, I'll leave here right now and back up right now.


No, because you don't do this.


I don't like being.


You disrespected me, first of all, and called this fucking belly tiger bullshit. Whatever the fuck. I'm going to go to your house. If there's other dicks on that wall that aren't mine, we're in a fucking fight.


It's your dick, dude.


No, it's not.


I know.


Is it orange?


It's kind of.


Yeah, it was your dick.


Oh, all right, then we're cool.


Anyway, can I explain the dick pick or.


No, please. We're all waiting.


So you know the Wednesday meeting I go to, right? So I go to this Wednesday.


That's what you guys do at AA?


That's not what we do. So there's this guy named. I can't say his name because.


Of course not.


But anyway, there's a guy who's a newcomer, and one day he goes, hey, let's do a Christmas, like, elephant. Whatever. Christmas elephant thing. Right?


A white elephant.


Yeah, whatever. Wherever. You draw a name out of the fucking thing.




So I get him for some reason, right? And I forgot about it. So I brought cash, so I gave a friend of $100, and then this other guy gives me a beanie inside the beanie was that fucking Polaroid of a dick.


Pick of his dick.


I don't know whose dick it is, but when I opened it up and I did it, I go, oh, fuck. I said, just put it on the ledge.


You kept it.


But why is there, like, one big dick and then, like, small dicks around?


Wait, wait. In one photo.


You really are in Hollywood.


In one photo, yeah. Did I take it?


I don't know.


Dude, this is what Kat Williams was talking about. You're in Hollywood, dude. You're getting weird dick pic Polaroid proposals. You are fucking Hollywood.




Who's more Hollywood now? Bad friends, fans? The guy that has dick pics on his.


Wow. Dude, I'm not ashamed.


You're evil. You're in this.


I'm not evil. I'm not ashamed.


Who did you have to suck to get that fox deal? Oh, we want to give you a show.


No. So anyway, why did you put it on your wall?


Why did you.


Oh, my God. You guys are fucking.


Where is it?


Yeah. If I was ashamed of it, why would I put it with a drawer?


Why would it.


Right there.


Throw it away.


It's funny. People walking up to see gigantic dick pic. It's funny.


Okay. I don't know. Would you have dick pics in your house? Guys just laying around? Carlos.


Thank you, Carlos.


That's why you're in the program, too. Right?


But, I mean, if you're going to. First of all, do you want to clean my house again? You're telling everybody the inside secrets of my.


I'm just telling, like, weird stuff in your house.


Yeah. You have a dick on display.


Thank you. I'm not ashamed of it. And I'm also this. Right.


It's so contradictory to what you just said. You're mad about it, but then she's like, no, it's displayed. You're like, right. I'm not embarrassed.


I'm not embarrassed. I'm adding up. But my point is this, okay, is that next time you see some stuff like that.


But I can't keep a secret.


That's right. See something, say something. Thank you, Rudy.




You got to teach them, right. They're doing good.




And then why is it when you clean my house, if you want to talk about things, then let's talk about.


Things right here on the show. Talk about whatever you want on the show.


Why is it when you clean my house and stuff like that, I see your phone. It's on, right. And you're in a different room. You're in a different room. Cleaning. But who's on the phone?


Oh, my boyfriend.


Yeah. And he's just laying there like this.




Yeah. So she's cleaning another room like you're facetiming.


And he just lays there.


But she's downstairs. She's downstairs. Right. And I'm getting a drink in the kitchen. And I look, I see her phone and I see this gigantic nose. Oh, my God. What? He doesn't have a big nose.


No, he doesn't have a big nose.


Does he have a big nose?


No. See?


It's not wide.




Okay. It's normal from where you from, but from here, dude.




It's snuffalopicus.


Your nose is not even normal, so don't make fun.


Go ahead, call me out. What's up with my nose?


What is up with your nose?


Tell me about my nose. Why is it not normal?


Let me see. Lift up. Yeah. Well, good.


Yeah, it's pretty good.


Pretty normal.


Yeah. Anyway, why do you have this kid? He's your slave.


What do you mean?


It's creepy that he watches cleaning the.


House, but I'm not even in the room. But you have to stay on the phone.




On FaceTime, we just like to stay on call. That's normal for us. The fact is he likes it.


Yeah, it's love, maybe.


No, that's not love. That's weird. He just lays there while she cleans. Yeah, that sounds like some weird fetish shit.


No, because he's watching something and we're just doing different things. But staying on call.


Does your boyfriend stay on Facetime with you when you're doing something? Really? Maybe it's just what young people do.


It's what they dotime.


My wife. You fucking out of your mind? I live with her. Yeah, Facetime. No, you don't do that. I mean, we Facetime. If I'm, like, across the country on the road. But your boyfriend lives in the same city, you call him. It's different. Young people do Facetime. Shit, okay? They love Facetime.




How many times have you done Facetime?


What do you mean?


In general. You never do Facetime?


I do it every night.


To who? To who?


I've been facetiming somebody every night.


Who have you been facetiming?




Who even Facetiming.


You know what, dude? What's going on here today? What is going on here today?


That's why everybody wore your shirt, so they could call you out for shit and make you not feel bad.


Yeah. Anyway, I do Facetime.


Are you Facetime with someone that you enjoy. Right now?




How long do you stay on Facetime with this person?


Half an hour, maybe.


That's pretty good. Do you remember when we were young and we'd talk on the phone to someone we liked for hours? No. When we were like, young, young.


Oh, my God.


And they would sit on the phone for hours and hours and hours. You guys don't know about landlines?


No. When I went on the road, my first road date was in San Antonio, and I was seeing this girl, Jennifer Field. Remember the girl that texted me when I was 23? I ate her fucking vagina in her mom's closet.


Who could forget?




Who could forget?


Yeah. And I remember going to because I was opening for Mencia, Carlos Mencia. And we're at that San Antonio mall.




Not lol. It wasn't even there yet. It was in the mall.


The other one.


Yeah, right. And they had this weird condo that I had to stay in. And I remember from after the show, maybe it was like 01:00 in the morning. I talked to her to, like eight in the morning on a landline. On a landline?




And she's like, I love you. I miss you. You know what I mean?


Be falling asleep and wake up and keep talking. Yeah, I miss those days.


Me too, man.


Never going to get that ever again. Now these kids just stay on FaceTime where they clean other people's houses.


Now when a girl calls me, I treat them like a telemarketer.


I got to go. I can't.


Wrong number.


Wrong number.


I can't.


Rocket money.


I have so many subscriptions.


Too many, honestly.


On my phone and all my iPad, all my stuff. Right? And it's like I'm losing money as we speak.


Tons of.


And what does Rocket money do?


Dude, rocket money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills. We all want to lower our bills in the new year. We're all sick of paying for stuff that we don't want to pay for anymore. You got to use rocket money. They have over 5 million users, and they've helped save their members an average of $720 a year. With over 500 million in canceled subscriptions, you never got to get on the phone with customer service. Look, I've used Rocket money to cancel a bunch of stuff that I didn't need. A bunch of apps. And also, I sign up for stuff. They have reoccurring charges. You guys know what I'm talking about when they say first month is this much and then you forget how much the next ten months are, and it adds up. Rocket money finds it and gets you to stop paying unnecessary bills. That's right. They'll even get you a refund for the last couple of months wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you up to 20%. All you have to do is take a picture of your bill, and rocket money takes care of the rest.


Stop wasting money on things you don't use, guys. Cancel your own unwanted subscriptions by going to badfriends. That's badfriends badfriends. Butcherbox I love meat, dog.


You know, I love meat.


I love protein and I love high quality meat.


And that's the problem right now. A lot of times people are getting meat that's not high quality and they don't know where to turn to go get it. They don't want to go to a butcher shop. They don't go to the grocery store. Now, you can easily find high quality meat and seafood you can trust. It's 100% grass fed beef, right? Free range organic chicken, pork raised, crate free and wild caught seafood. My God, humanely raised. No antibiotics or hormones, none of that stuff injected into your food. Get rid of that crap.


There's nothing better than driving up in your driveway and seeing a butcher box outside.


So exciting. I know what I'm making for the night.


Pork chops.




Salmon. I love those little critters.


And pork and chicken and beef. I'm a beef eater. I do love it. And 100% grass fed is the only way to go because there's so much stuff out there that's nasty and inhumanely raised. Butcherbox is doing it the right way.


New members get two pounds of ground beef, three pounds of chicken breasts, or two pounds of salmon for free in every order for a whole year plus year. $20 off your first order, $20 off.


Your first order as well is insane. Sign up Bad friends. And use that code, bad friends, to choose your free offer and get $20 off.


But here's the thing about young love, though. I've been asking around to people, where.


Has it gone, young love for me? Well, you're 52.


I'm not saying young love.


Where's old love?


No old love. I'm just saying the feeling of, like.


You know, St. Andrew's retirement home is right down the street from me. Yeah, come by sometime.


What I'm saying is the feeling of, like, you're in a pink cloud. Butterflies.


You get.


No, I don't.


You don't get that anymore.


You don't get it. I remember in your age, it was intense.


It's different.


It was like.


But you're feeling it for the first time.


Yeah, but it was just like, oh, my God, this is it. This is going to fulfill every.


And it doesn't, does it?


No, because you always get betrayed.


It lets you down. Yeah, in some way, you're going to get let down, but what I'm saying.


Is, I'm trying to find that in my life now.


But you're going to get that feeling.


No, I haven't felt that since I was their age.


You'll get a different version.


What about Atika? Lila, when you first met, I did.


Get effort with her for a couple of years. Yeah, but anyway.


No, but you're going to find it in a different way. Stop rubbing your tits.


What do you mean, stop it?




You're going to get warm feeling. No. Can I just do that?


You're going to get me hard if.


You keep doing that. I know, but I want to feel it in my chest, like love.


You're going to get the love. It's just going to feel different. You're not that young anymore. Your viewpoint on the world is different, so you're not going to feel the same. You know what it's like for an addict. Remember the first time you got high?




Greatest thing in the world.




And then the second time and the third time, and the fourth time you got high, and by the 50th time you got high, it didn't feel like the first time you got high at all. And it was kind of a letdown.


I think that's what it is.


So you're looking at it, looking for the old high. You need to chase the new high, not drugs. You need to chase love in the way of like. Or like, this is just who you are now.


They should have a business, like a black mirror episode, a place where they wipe your memories.


Scientology is open 24 hours a day.


I know, but just a place where I can just restart.


Well, when you die, I think you restart.


You think so?


100%. I think when we die, we restart. Into another soul and body and entity. I think you've died a thousand times. You just don't know it. Not as Bobby Lee, but as other shit.


What do you think I was before this?


A worm.


Samurai. A samurai worm.


A samurai worm. A noble.


What if you were a unicorn?


Oh, that's why you love it so much.


I don't love it.


That's why you're mentioning it now.


I'd rather have Minotaur. I'd rather have Minotaur come than.


You're definitely not Minotaur.


No, you're Minotaur.


I'm definitely more minotaur than you are.


Yeah, but I'm not centaur.


You're not a centaur.


Oh, fuck. Why not?


You're a unicorn.


How about a siren?


You're a worm.


No, I'm not a worm.


You're a warrior.


It's not a mythological creature. A worm.


Sure it is. Worms have been around for billions of years.


It's not. In the folklore of.


It is.


Now, how about it? Could I be a worm? Like in Dune?


No, you're an earthworm. You're a little, tiny baby earthworm.


No, I want to be one of those. In the desert. Dune. Dune. I want to be a dune worm.


That's you. You're an asian jumper.


No, Google Dune worm. Google dune worm.


That's an asian jumping wormworm.


Dune worm, dude.


No, you're.


That's my butthole. No, have you seen my butthole? Exactly like that. It's got the lines and everything. Look at.


That's me, dude.


And that's pussy right there. Those two girls.


You're an asian. They're going into your.


Yeah, yeah. Okay.


You're an asian jumping worm.


What are you then ask the girls.


What was I in my previous life?


I feel like Andrew would be like a horse. Yeah. A. Yeah, yeah, right there.


Yeah, that's right.


Oh, so he gets a good one.


Yeah, I get you've. Okay, okay, how about this, girls? What was he before he was a worm?


Maybe you were the one that rode Andrew.


That's right.


I rode him.


You rode on my back. You were, like, in my horse hairs.


No, dude.


Okay, check it out.


No, it's like those on a whale, right? They had the little fish that cleaned their back.


That's you.


That's not me.




That's you.


You're the barnacles on the whale.


You're a fucking barnacle.


I. Barnacle back.


Dude, that looks exactly like you.


Does that even have a brain and feelings?


Do you?






Barnacle. Barnacle.


Barnacle Bobby.


Yeah. Barnacle Bobby.


Barnacle Bobby riding on a whale's back.


All right, dude. Enough.


Make you feel better. What was he before he was a worm?


Because you lived other so many men so many lives.


What was he before he was a worm?


Girl, maybe you were working on nine to five.




I was working. Right. A regular guy working on nine to five?




What? He was a blowfish man.


You were working nine to five at a restaurant?


Can I speak to the manager? I'm sorry, but the blowfish has forgotten so many. Our drinks came late.


Yeah. Why don't I have any hands?


What a shitty server.


Shitty. Or I was a blowfish.


You're a blowfish.


Well, let's go to you guys, then.


Oh, yeah. What were the girls?


Oh, shit. How many varieties of maggots are there?


You can't make the call because we already made your call.




Oh, really? So once you make the call, I can't make a call? What kind of funky gay business? What are you talking about?


I think Rudy. Oh, my God. I can see it now. Her previous life.




Butterfly. Rudy was dolphin. Rudy was mermaid. Have you ever been to the great Wall of China?




At the Great Wall of China, there's a little patch. A little crack in the rocks. And flowers grow through.




Flowers. There's a group of wildflowers. And the chinese government has just let it continue to grow. So now it's a patch of wildflowers. I think you were a wildflower at the Great Wall of China.


That's good.


He said, where were you before this? I can see it in my head. Let me see it. If I. Oh, I see it. I see it.


I see it.


Oh, my God.


I see it.


I see it now. Oh, no. Oh, my God. She was a little ground squirrel. A little tiny ground squirrel and she popped up at a construction site. Head came right off. Oh, my God. It was a tragic.


Oh, you have the ability.


I can see. Let me see Carlos.


You really have the.


Oh, I can see Carlos. Oh, my God. I can see Carlos.


What is it? What was it?


Hold on.


What is.




Oh, my God. You remember. Oh, my God. You know, in New York, in Central park, they had the horses on the carriages.




You know, the bag that catches all the horse poop? Carlos. That's Carlos. He was a bag of horseshit.


Oh, shit.


He was the bag that collected all the horseshit in Central park.




Oh, my God. At the turn of 20.


You're a gift.


Wow. Well, let me see if I can do fancy.


We should have a one to hit 800 number.


Just call me. Yeah, call me now for your free history reading.




It's Mr. Cheeto. Mr. Cheeto. Okay, hold on. Let me see if I can do fancy. Hold on.


I know.


Can you feel it? I just gave it to you. I just gave it to you. Do you feel it?




What is that?


I know what it is. He. Lice. But not on top of human head.




Not a pussy. Not a pussy? No, it's a turd.


It's a turd.


It's a turd creature. It's Eric Griffin.




Like that.


I like that. Rudy said you're fucking pussy. Lice. Women don't get lice.


You guys know about pussy lice?


Is that a real.


Crabs? Yeah.


No, crabs and lice are two different things.


Pubic lice is super common. Tiny insects that look like tiny versions of the crabs you see at the beach. They live on the skin and coarse hairs. People get pubic. No way. Have you guys ever known anybody that's got that?


No, but we used to have so much lice on our hair when you.


Were kids.


Picking it out.


Yeah. Guess what, guess what? Andrew and I never had it.


Never had it.


You know why? Shower.


It's probably because you were Eliza in your old life. Yeah. And then you died from getting picked and then you were born as Bobby Lee.


Oh, wow. Picked on, picked. I get it. Wait, how do you get lice out of your hair?


I don't know. I don't know. Roll around the dirt.


That was how you.


That's how you get more lice. Yeah.


Combing wet hair with a fine tooth knit comb, remove lice and some knits. There's something called knits?


Yeah, we used to have a lot and like eggs and like crawlers and.


I bet you money. I bet you money you eat those too.




Yeah. Right before it's about to hatch. Right. You eat it like ballot. Like little tiny ballot balls? Yeah, little ballot balls.


You want some ballot with sprinkle of lice?


Yeah. Right. Basically. So you get the little eggs too, up there? Yeah. So lice comes from eggs. They lay them.


They're just reincarnating on your head.


Oh, that's interesting.


So itchy.


Yeah, I bet. Imagine that. That's awful. That's awful.


You never had lice?




We don't ever get stuff like that. If you live in like a swampy area, if you go swimming and swim, you can get leeches.




Ticks and leeches from the woods and ticks give you Lyme disease. You know what that is?


Yeah. You guys have that over there. Lyme disease.


But you have leeches in the water. Don't you have leeches? Show them a leech. You don't have leeches at all.


I've never seen. I've never seen one.


Oh, they suck on your skin like that. They suck your blood. They're little vampires.


Look at that.


Bobby was like that.


Oh, my God.


Oh, really? Now I'm that, too.


You weren't a vampire. You were a leech.


Oh, really? Interesting.


She's saying, before this was another life.


Have I ever had a good life?


You were a nine to five blowfish.


I was a nine to five blowface as a waiter.


And then you were a leech.




Where was he a leech?


Was he working as a Philippines.


Oh, you were leech in the Philippines.


Oh, in the Philippines.


He wasn't.


Vampire leech.


No, you were a homeless leech.


All right, so I didn't even want to work. No, you were just, you guys go in and suck the blood. I'm just going to sit here on the corner and beg for fucking.


You couldn't get any blood. You would beg for blood. You'd sit. All the guys would go suck all day. They'd come home and you. You got any blood? No one would give you any.


Speaking of blood, I was watching planet Earth, right? And there was an episode where they have this island where these birch birds.


Birch bird.


A birch bird, yeah. And this tiny island. There's not a lot of food and stuff, right? So how do they eat? They have these gigantic seagulls that fly over there, right? Because they can't make it to the mainland, these little birch. And what they do is they jump on top of their backs, they poke them their back, and they start drinking their blood. Whoa.


That's kind of smart.


That is very smart.


Yeah. And the fucking. Those gigantic birds, they don't even know what's going on.


They don't care.


Walking around like, they don't know. Wow.


They suck the blood out of their backs to stay alive.


Yeah. Vampire birch birds.


Maybe they're like zombies.


They are. Look at. Their eyes are blood red. So they drink blood.


See right there? Zoom in that photo.


That's cool. And the big bird doesn't care.


No, look at him.


He's like, oh, he just digs in.


They dig in. Isn't that unbelievable?


They're just taking advantage of this other bird's blood. But they don't ever eat anything but blood.


I think there's certain times of the year where they can't get anything. So they go, oh, we'll go, blood.


They just got to eat blood.


Is it unbelievable, though? Look at that.


Do you even get full with blood?


I don't want you to try to find out.


Yeah, it depends on how much blood you drink. I'm sure you can.


You can get full off of blood.


Yeah. You never had blood? No.


Someone's not in Hollywood. You never been to a restaurant? Never had baby blood? Never been to a restaurant where they offer you blood?






You know what's so gross, though, is that bird, that little blood bird, I bet you in a species format, would outlive, has outlived humans and will outlive humans forever. And they're sucking blood. Meanwhile, we're eating wendy's and fucking Taco Bell.


But you know what?


Maybe we should be sucking blood to live longer.


Here's a concern, though. What if the seagull's gay and he's unprotected? Yeah.


He's dangerous.


Blood flies back.


That's right.


Infects the whole fucking up now. You're a bunch of french mercury birch birds.


I saw this morning. I was watching the History Channel.


I love this stuff.


I love the History Channel.


I love nature and history.


Me, too. Do you like ancient aliens?


I love anything that's ancient.


Me, too. Nothing current. No, modern shit.


Yeah, you like ancient, like ancient old stuff.


Is there old shit like, when you in the Philippines, is there, like, old ruins that you can go visit and stuff?


They're not ruins, but they are old.


There's old shit, like old nature.


There's no, like, mayan temple.


Well, the Mayans wouldn't be there.


I mean, just some temple that you guys.


I don't think temples. No.


You guys never did buildings back in the day.


They still don't have buildings now.


I know.


Let me go back to the five ruins. Go back to the five. The ruins. The magical five ruins of the Philippines you just were at. Yeah. Ruins of famous ruins in the Philippines.


Here we go. Here we go.


Fortune island.


Oh, the sunken cemetery is cool, though.


Yeah. What's going on there?


Oh, yeah.


That'S a dope.


That's cool.




Wait, there's a cemetery that got overtaken by water over the years.


That sounds like the Spaniards did this.


This is from the Spaniards. That's disgusting.


I think this was because of a volcano.


Yeah, the Spaniards, we call them volcanoes.


Or that could be Aquaman's family right there.


All dead.






Cut that out. That's not even funny. I just throw things out and I go, why did I just say that? Sorry.


You guys have never been here.


I've been there.


You swam down there?


No, we can't swim because they say it's haunted.


Shut up.


It's haunted. There's so many graves there.


I know really there's a spirits. Have you ever seen a ghost in the water swimming, doing a backstroke?


Probably can't swim so when there's someone swimming on top they're going to try to reach onto you to get back up in the air.


So we're buoys to fucking ghosts.


They drink the blood too. But what happens if a ghost catches you? What happens in the water? It's not going to kill you.


It's going to drown you. Yeah.


Oh, just like in Lord of the Rings. Do you remember?


No. What are you talking about?


You remember?


What are you talking about?


Lord of the Rings.


Yeah, but when does someone underwater?


In the third movie there's a swamp Area and Gollum tells Frodo not to look. But the starry eyes. Shut the fuck up. Do you remember? I'm not a nerd dude. I've seen the movie before.


Do you guys not know this?


Right. And so then Frodo fucks up and he stares at a.


Looks into the water.


Looks in the water and there's kind of a dead glowy eye in there.


But doesn't try to get him.


No, but then he goes into a trance.


Oh right.


Then he falls into the fucking swamp.


So they trance and then all the.


Fucking ghosts in the water try to grab him. And guess what? The fat fuck Sam dives in and gets him.


He gets him. Always a fatty to save the day.


No, it was Gollum actually. It wasn't fatfuck.


Oh thank God.


Was Sam and the other guy gay?




Okay. What? No.


Yeah, they were. No, there were gay dudes came out years later. They were the Internet. It broke the Internet. Look it up.




Was Sam from Lord of the Rings gay?


Is it because they cried a lot on each other's arms?


Yeah, that's what.


Well, you know sometimes that happens when you're about to die too.


The fantasy science fiction author Marion Zimmer Bradley wrote that Frodo and Sam had the most intense love described in the book. Told you.


Yeah, but it's the kind of love me andrew have. No. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Hold up. Back up.


First of all, the love that you and I have pictures of my cock are on your hallway. Same thing as Sam and Frodo.


That's what I'm saying. It's the love we have.


Yeah. Gay.


It's not gay.


Most guys would it.


Check it out, dude.


We go down to Alabama and talk about our love. No, this is gay, dude. Our love is so chinese and irish, man are fucking gay, dude. Y'all seen them. That chinese dude. That little fucking redhead and chinese dude. Them dudes is gay, dude. They flirt all the time. He kissed his nutsack one time on live stream.


I did. I did. But that's not gay.


Okay. What?


Let me just explain myself real quick. And I want to be real. Not even in a comedy way. All right? And I really believe this. Okay.




I believe that you and our love is so intense, right. That's on the edge of gay, but it hasn't crossed the line.


It's so close to gay. It's a million miles away.


Exactly. So basically, what I'm saying is that if you and I went on a journey much like Frodo and Sam, you're saying like a date journey, however you want to say it. Right? And we're having meals out in the forest. Some call it picnics, but I just call it second breakfast.


Second breakfast.


Yeah. Right.


B two.


Yeah. And you and I. You know what I mean? At nights, because it's cold. At night. It is, right. Because we're trying to get to Mordor.


It's far away.


Yeah. What do we do?


Get naked and hug each other? Butt fuck.


No, we don't.


We don't butt fuck.


We don't butt fuck.


We just get naked.


We get naked and hold. Because of our body.


Body warmth. Yeah.


And we're so comfortable with each other.


That's right.




Butt fuck.


No, we don't butt fuck.


We sleep. First of all, who's a little spoon? Come on.


And also, could I just.


I'm a fucking ladle.




He's a little. Like a little baby spoon.


Also, the ring is so dangerous that we wrap it around Andrew's dick, right. And my butthole is the safe.


It has to turn and lock.


Yeah, but that's not gay. We're protecting the ring.


That's right. No one can pull me out. Once I'm in and locked, I can't get out.


And we sleep. Right? Gollum's in the tree watching us, going, look at these fucking gay fuck. Right? So we do that, right? And in the morning, when we go travel, we unlock and this, and I do a little sigh, like, you know what I mean? And then we go on our voyage again. Right? Every night we do the fucking routine. We lock the ring into the safe. Right. But that's not gay, dude.


That's just keeping the ring safe.


Yeah, we're keeping it safe.


I really commend you guys for keeping.


Thank you.


Yeah. But then when we get to the fucking Mordor, when we arrive, we're trying to throw it in, right? We both die.




Because we forgot to unlock.


We just jump in together. This is how we want to go.




Morgan and Morgan. Morgan.


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So get your displates in the description. That code is going to be bad friends. It should be applied automatically at the checkout. But if it's not, just use code bad friends display. Collect your passions. Are you sad that you're going to go home tomorrow?


Yeah, I'm pretty sad.


When are you going to come back to the States? Do you even.




No, it's undetermined. Wow. Yeah. Last time you were here was a year or two ago. A year?


A year.


God, that's wild. So do you usually come every year, though, or.


Um, yeah, lately.


Once a year.




Well, you came for her birthday. I remember that?




Once a year is a good. Are you going to end up moving here? You said you wanted to last time.


I want to. I think she should come for college.


Well, you've still got to get through high school first. You never know. She might not graduate.


But can we do the same program?


I get good grades.




Can we do the same thing we did for you?


Same program?


Well, you came in high school, right? And you lived at my house.


You came your senior year, right?






And we walked you through high school. Why can't we do the same for her?


I don't know. She can.


Do you want to do that?


I guess. Yeah. She doesn't want to.


So why don't you finish high school, dump your boyfriend, and then you can move to the States?


But also, we got white boyfriends here.


Oh, yeah? Your boyfriend's brown. Oh, man, we got some great white. We got some good white.


Well, he's not brown, actually. He's not brown. He's the whiter side of the Philippines.


I know, but wait, so brown.


Wait till you get here.




Wait till you see how white some of these guys are. It's unbelievable.


Unbelievable. The skin is so dry.


Top whites.


Top whites. Yeah. And we also. What would we have blacks, too?


We have everything. Really?


We have everything? Yeah.


Everything you've ever.


We have a more variety, so why not. Let me ask you something. In the Philippines, if you go to a 31 flavors, you know what that is?


They don't have that. Baskin robbins.


An ice cream place. Right? Is there only one flavor there?


No, we.


All the flavors.




Yeah. Poop. Yeah.


Welcome. Poop.


We have all the flavors.


All the flavors we have every single one you've ever dreamed of and more. She likes her boyfriend. Don't dump your boyfriend. Have fun and then come, but move out here.


Why don't we do that?




Enough with her.


What do you mean?


Well, here's the deal. One comes in, one's got to go. You got to go back. That's the deal. Fancy came in because someone left. That's the only reason. No, I mean from Spain. When you come here from Spain, you have to send a Spaniard back to Spain. That's the only way it works. It's reciprocation. It is. We're full. Don't you listen to Donald Trump? We have too many. Yeah, we're fucking full.


Poisoning the blood.


Yeah, that's true.


You're poisoning the blood of pure Americans.


Pure Americans.


Poisoning. I'm not doing anything.


Yeah, your boyfriend, right? Is an American, is he not?




If you guys had a baby, what happens?


Green card poison.


The blood. But the blood's poisoned. Yeah.


No, I'm not going to have kids. I'm going to abort it.


All right? Okay, man.


Hey, she really is american. Jesus.


Jesus Christ.


What does that say? Schools in the Philippines have a stricter management. They have stricter management than the United States.


They have a higher standard of education.


Do they really? Well, I'm not surprised. Look at this fucking country. We're upside down. Higher standard of education than Philippines. Students are taught well. Teachers are considered second parents to the students. Wow. Are your teachers like your parents?


Yeah, it's like best friends.


Like, you hug them goodbye and stuff. That's insane. My teachers opposite.


Yeah. Hated, hated, hated, hated them.


They hated me. I fucking hated them.


Hated them.


Man, we were bad kids.


Oh, yeah. But really bad.


What happens with bad kids in the Philippines?


I don't know. There's not even a detention. Yeah, there's always. What?


There's no suspension.


Well, they'll talk to the principal or something.


Yeah, but what does he say? Yeah, stop being so.




Be better.


Because I remember on the third grade, someone stabbed someone with a pencil.




What is it, prison?


No, it's their sandy hook.


There was a mass stabbing today with a number two pencil.




And you know how hard those are to acquire. So he stabbed him with a number two. Did he die?






I don't know what happened, but he was still there. He was still going to school. Nothing happened.


And that's a talked about thing.


Wait, so a student stabbed a teacher with a pencil?


No. Student stabbed another student.


Right? What if that kid still had the pencil? Can't take it out.


He draws with it.


Very good.


What does that say, though? You go back. It said there's never ever been a school shooting in the Philippines. Yeah, the school fucking. Why can't we do this? They don't have guns.


That's right.


There's no guns in the Philippines. The cops have guns.


It's illegal.


It's access.


Yeah, no, but wait a minute. The cops do have guns. There's got to be some bad cops doing bad shit, though.


Oh, my God. See?


The cops are up to no good.


Yeah. There was one shooting at Attenu dem Manila.


Oh, ateno de Manila. It's at a university.




Is that high school there?


No, that's a college.




At the nail is a good school.


But that's a good school. Think about this, though. English is a second language to them, right?


Of course.


But look how great she speaks. Yeah, we don't realize that her language is her native tongue and she can do.


They're smarter than us. I think that's what they pay more attention to.


Shit, yeah. I wouldn't be able to tell a difference, I don't think. Would you, if she said she was born here?


They sound identical.


Yeah. Okay.


She's been here for much longer, but.


I think she has more of, like, an american or something. She has better English than me because I feel like I still have the accent.


Well, she's smarter than you.


That's true.


Yeah. That's a big piece of it.


Hey, can you guys talk like a valley girl?


Oh, yeah.


Let's hear you talk like, yeah, she could do it.


That sounds exactly.


For the next couple of minutes, let's.


Just talk that way. Say today, what do kids do? The mall.


Order a coffee. Yeah, I'm so good at this ordering coffee. I do it on purpose in the Philippines.


Let me be the guy.


Okay, sorry.


Where are you at, the Philippines? She's here.


I can still have a language.


Do it like that because that's how I do it in the Philippines. I always purposely do it. That's not the accent.


Welcome to. What's the local coffee shop called there?


Yeah, we don't have one. There's no local. Just Starbucks. Only Starbucks or coffee bean.


Welcome to coffee Bean, bucks.


Welcome to Bose. Bose.


Welcome to Bose. Can I take your order, please?


Hi, can I get a grande matcha late, please?


Oh, my God.


That sounds exactly like a valley.




All right, Rudy, you try.


Now it's Rudy's turn. Okay. Welcome to sitting up.


Hi, can I get an iced vanilla late?


You sound like you.


Need the value.


Yeah, you can go far crazier.


Try it.


Yeah, there we go. Get your body into it. Yeah.


Can I get an ice vanilla late?


Oh, that's pretty good.


One with autism, but still. Yeah, that's great.


That one's so good.


So good.


That really sounds like if you close your eyes, say, oh, my God, I lost my valet ticket.


Oh, my God, I lost my valet ticket.


That's fucking God, dude, we got to get an agent.


When I close my eyes, I literally see, like, a white chick.


I do, too.


Yeah, that's what some of my friends say because I do it with my friend a lot, and then it's become, like, my accent kind of.


Wait, who taught you? Where did you hear to do it?


Were you just from online?


The Internet.


But I would meet new friends on the Internet, and they would think I would be a white girl.




What a superpower.


You could catfish. I can? Yeah. Wow. Cat queen. Wow.


You should catfish as a white.


I have catfished.




I got money from it.


Wait, stop.


Yes. Oh, I have to tell you guys something.




So you know how you stalk people on Instagram, right?


No, we don't.


You don't?


I've heard about it.




I stalk people.


You mean you're saying look at someone's Instagram, like an ex boyfriend or something like that?


Yeah. But you make another account, it's like a finsta. Yeah. You know what's a finsta?


A fake one. Yeah, fake account. I know what it is. And you stalk it.




I have a fake account because I saw a reel and it was something about having a finsta. Right. And so I was like, I'm going to make an indian man Finsta. So I have an account where I just act like an indian man. And I talked to my mom on it.


Oh, yeah.


I tried scamming her for an iPhone 15, and she replied to me.


No, she did. Wait a minute. You tried to pretend that you were a guy interested in dating your mom?


No, I tried to scam her because I can't say the username because everyone's going to know.


Yeah, don't say it. Wait, how did you get money? Who gave you money?


Oh, no, I didn't get money from that. I got money from discord.


What did you do on discord to get money?


I would pretend to be, like, a really cute japanese girl, and they would give me, like, nitro. And one time I got Minecraft, but then when I stopped talking to them, he took it away. I was so mad.


How much money can you get on discord?


I didn't get money money. I got things that could buy from. You could buy with money.




It's crypto, basically.




Yeah. That's amazing. Now, what you do, you need to.


Be a full time scam artist. Why not?


Do you do an indian accent or.


No, no, I can't.


Okay. Yeah.


But you should really think about being a full time scam. No one's a criminal anymore like that. Professional criminal. That's not out to hurt people physically, but a professional scammer, that'd be great. Dude, dream big. Dream fucking big. Think about it. There's some old guy right now. There's some really old guy, right, whose wife died years ago. He's got six or $7 million. He doesn't know what to do. You could steal from that guy. Yeah, he could be dead soon. You could steal from that guy.


I'd support that. Because the money is going to you guys anyways. It's going to my family.


That's right.


Very good.


All right, ins, get in here, get in here.


Yeah. That's amazing.


You know what's so funny, though? I don't know. Carnegie. You know who Carnegie is? Nope. Carnegie was one of America's richest men. Right? And Carnegie believed that if you die rich, you're a soulless man. So he gave away. Look up how much money Carnegie gave away at the end of his life. This guy gave away most of his fortune at the end. And he believed to influence other rich people to be philanthropic. It was kind of the turn of the century. He was like, people should give away. He distributed 350,000,000 and had 30 million left, which went to corporations, endowment fund towards other things. He passed, if he had a single goal, achieving world peace. So Carnegie believed, if you die with money, you're kind of a sucker. So he tried hard to give away all of his money.


Benjamin Carnegie's son.




Fuck, Dad, I got fucking $10 a bus ticket. Yeah. I'd be so pissed.


Well, this influenced many other rich families richer than him to do the same thing, which was kind of interesting. I watched the whole thing about this. It was fucking insane. Because the amount of wealth acquired by him was equal, I think they had said at the time, was equal to like $62 billion that he ended up lording over and then realized it was worthless. He couldn't do anything with it.




He had too much money. More money than anybody we ever have seen today. Because what's our richest guy on earth today? Has, like, upwards of 1220 billion, something like that.


Elon Musk.


Elon Musk is not in the 200. Oh, my holy fuck.


Holy shit. Fuck. That's a lot.


I didn't know it was in the hundreds of billions.


That's a lot. He is the only person who also.


Lost 200 billion and got it back.


He's also Bobby's age.




Wow. Oh, you're saying I'm a failure?


No, he's just a pretty big gap of achievement.


I know, but think about.


This is my point. What the fuck is he going to do with $229,000,000,000?


Give it to us.


He should.


He should.


You listening here, Elon? Can you imagine? I watched your podcast, Genghis Khan. All these guys, sick trillionaires who lived on earth and reached the pinnacle. Genghis Khan. Akbar the Great. Wow.


Genghis do that, though.


Just give out all your money. When you're dying already.


You should. If you're dying, what the fuck are you going to do with it? You should give it all away when you're dying. Yeah, if you're dying, you should spend a lot. Have fun.


How do you know when you're going to die?


I think if you reach an age when you're like, yeah, hey, man, it's probably soon.


Yeah, but still, you're, like, in hospice, right? And you're getting all the treatment, the rich man treatment. Right. When do you do it? The day before.


Well, I don't think it's like an immediate.


I just want to know, man.


On your deathbed, you push the button, right?


You go, okay.


You can draft up a fucking living will. And then in your living will says, oh, I see.


That's what I would do.


Yeah, on my final.


But right now, because when I'm alive on earth, I still want all of it.


Well, you don't want all of it.


No, to the end. And then when I'm dead, then go, bad boy. No, that's not bad boy, because you're going to still.


You're just like Genghis Khan.


That's right, I am. Fuck it.


You should give it away.


I will when I die. Once I'm no longer conscious in here.




Then I'll have it all worked out with my lawyers.


Who would be the most unlikely person that you would give money to when you die?


Oh, my God, there's so many.


You're going to give people money that, you know, like, don't deserve it or you don't like anymore just to show them up or something.


Oh, you know what? That's cool. You know what I would do? I would give people money and just go, listen, dude, I knew you were a fucking jackass while I was here. And a complete and other fucking asshole. And I fucking. Every time I hear your name or saw you, I wanted a vomit. All right, but, dude, here's a million dollars.


That's like, the best revenge.


Isn't that cool?


Yeah, that would be a cool way to say, fuck you.


Fuck off.


Have you ever heard the Adam Sandler story about. Adam Sandler was at NYU in college and drama school. I might be misquoting, and I guess one of the professors took him out for a beer, and the professor was like, you don't have. Don't. I'm sorry, but you just don't have. I. You're such a great guy, but you got to find another thing, dude. This is not going to work. No, no. Yeah, well, acting and comedy. And then, you know, Adam was obviously like, well, fuck that. I'm not going to stop. And the guy was like, I'm just telling you, I just don't think this is going to be your lifelong career.


Wow. Right?


And then at the height of Adam's career.




When he's like, tip top, I guess he's in a bar with a bunch of friends and sees this professor is there.




Right? And an opportunity to go up to him and what endless of possibilities.


What would you do?


Well, hold on, let me finish. This is what kind of guy. Sandler.


I love it. I love it.


He walks up to the professor with his friends and says hello to him. His professor says hi. And he turns to his friends and he says, you know what? This was the only professor that bought me a beer and then introduced him to his friends. And that was that. I know.




Talk about a grade a classy guy, Sandler.


Really? Class.


What a fucking cool fucking dude. He could have done so many smart assy things. Not rude, but he could have been like, I guess it worked out.


But you know, what does professor remember? That's the thing.


Remember Adam Sandler?


No. Does he remember saying that to, oh.


If you took a guy out for a beer, for sure. You remember this wasn't in class. If he was like, bobby, next time the scene has got to be, no, no. He took him out, just him and him for a beer, one on one, to tell him he doesn't think he should continue. He remembers.


And after Adam till said that, I would love the professor to double down.


And be like, still not working out. Or it's like, once that Netflix deal is done, you're shit.


You're. You won the lottery, you know? Still have. You're garbage. You still don't have any talent.


Yeah, right. You would double down.


No, I don't know.


What would you say to the professor? There's got to be people in your life that are beginning your comedy career. Were like, you're not going to make it in comedy. Or they said something around.


I had one incident like that.




Well, I'll just bleep his name out. An agent. His name is.


I know who he is.


You do?




So Abby sent me a meeting with him, and we're. And we're sitting there, I'm in his office, and he looks at me across from the desk, and he I just, you're not going to work. And I go, not going to get.


Work is what yeah.


I go, what do you mean? He's like, you're funny, but it's like you're just never going to work. And I go, oh. And he goes, I just don't see it.




And I go, okay. And I remember tears willing up in my eyes. And we took the elevator down together. No. Me and Abby.


How weird.


And my manager was like, it's okay. See, we will find somebody else. Right? And I'm like, I just don't. It's know. And then years later, I was on mad, and David Salzman, the owner of mad, goes, hey, Bobby, come into my office. I went to his office, and he goes, I need a hispanic guy as an actor on the just. We had Nelson and Sencio, but it's been years ago. So I go, Johnny Sanchez? Yeah, he's my friend.




So he goes, who is that? I kind of educated him, and I called Johnny, and I helped Johnny through the auditioning process. He got the show, but his agent.




Right? So now we're at the first live, right? And I'm at video village, and it's Johnny. He played Joker, one of his characters, and it was front of a live studio audience. And I'm sitting at video village because I'm so nervous for Johnny, too, because I want him to hit a home run. And I feel a presence right here, and it's. It's a smell, not a presence. It's a smell, right? And I look, and I go see my peripheral, and I go back to the monitor. I go like, I do one of those, and I turn around, he locks eyes, and he's smiling, and I go, hey, man. And I hugged him.




Hey, congratulations on Johnny. I'm so happy for him.


That is a classic.


He's like, thanks for. But then I regret that.




Every single day? No, I should have done something different.


Bobby, that's a classy move.


Yeah, classy. I think at the end of the day, you fantasize about all these things, but your true self comes out in those situations, and you go, who gives a shit?


Because your heart is really good.


Yeah, who gives a shit? But have you had a moment like that?


Oh, dude, when I was a pa, when I first moved out here, there was a person who was a super powerful executive, and I wasn't a big fan. He just was pretty diminutive, the way he spoke. I was young anyway, but they treated us like shit. Back in the day, Hollywood, if you were a pa, dude, they might as well pissed on you in the mornings like they fucking you were dog shit. And when I finally went to quit, because I was quitting to go try to do comedy, really, like, full time, and I had to say it to one of these people and somebody else, and I'm being very vague on purpose, but I said, after I put in my two weeks or whatever the fuck, he walked down the hallway because we were going down the same way. And he turned to me, he's like, you really think this comedy, you're going to do this comedy thing? And I said, I mean, I really believe, like, I really want to give it a shot. And he was like, you know, most people don't make it. And I was like, no, I understand that, and honestly, but I have to try.


And he goes, yeah. And he kind of, like, stood there for a second, and he looked me in the face, and he goes, good luck. But it wasn't good luck as in good luck. There's a way to say good luck. When I learned the phrasing, the intonation of a word matters, he literally went, good luck, like, you're fucked. Sounded like you're fucked instead of, hey, man, good luck. Different, right? Yeah, no, this was good luck.


Good luck.


Like, fuck off good. Yeah. And it hurt me a little bit because I was bummed, and I was like, God, these motherfuckers, they think I'm dog shit. And I was out every night doing shows, two shows a night.


I just got to add something real quick. Real quick. Yeah, those little things, too, because comics are extra sensitive, of course, that we replay those things in our head.


Oh, I see his fucking face.


Yeah. They just last a long time.




They're forever embedded in your, I don't.


Know my mom's middle name, but I remember that guy's fucking face saying that.


I know.


And then years later, okay, I was at an event, and I had gotten on, I'm dying up here. Like, I just booked the show, and it was in the headlines of, like, Jim Carrey produces handpicks. Jim handpicked us. Yeah. And I was at an event, and he was there working for a company, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he's there next to me and other people. He's in this group setting, and I see him kind of looking over at me, waiting to say something, and I'm like, I wonder what this fucking talking and talking and talking. And he turns to me and he goes, Andrew, congratulations on the show. And I said, I'm sorry.


Wait, no, there's no way.


I said, there's no way you did that. I'm sorry, what?


I'm sorry, what?


Say your name again. And I go, I'm just kidding. I'm just fucking around.


Oh, very good.


It was just to fuck around.


No, but you still had that little.


Yeah, it was a joke.


You had a dagger.


Dagger. And then he kind of chuckled at it and shook my hand. He said, very proud of you. Like, happy for. I said, thanks a lot, man. Yeah, thank you so much. And then I kind of broke off and went to get a drink. But it felt so good because I wasn't mean. I was just joking. It was clear I was kidding.




But I went to get a drink and, man, I got fucking wasted. Excited just drinking at a party. It's like, look at me. It just felt like.


Do you think he remembers?


Probably not. Yeah, probably not.


Because I don't think that's my guy remembered.


No, they probably don't.




They don't remember hurting feelings.


No, I have another story.


Give another one.


But it's not about that. It's more about, like, it's kind of that how if you're nice, something happens.




I was working the back door. I've never shared this story before. Good, because it's one of those stories where it's like I just feel it's too magical, almost too perfect. It's a magical story. You want to hear magic?


How about you bitches like magic?


You guys like magical stories?


Love magic.


So I don't want to name any names, but I was working the back door of the comedy store, and at that time I had no bank account. I had no money at all. I had maybe $15 in my pocket. And I remember Jason Glern. You know Jason, right? He's like, you know what I like about you, Bobby? You're nice to people even though you're completely struggling and things are bad.


Calling it out.


Yeah. So one night I was working there and I see this lady in the parking lot, and this is when the comedy store, nobody wanted to go. There were shootings, right. And it was just got a bad vibe to it.




And I see this lady, she was wearing like, a power suit. She looked like a businesswoman. She didn't look like she belonged, right. So I walked up to her and I go, excuse me, ma'am, can I help you? And she goes, I just fucking hate this club. I don't know how to get in here. I'm seeing somebody. You know what I mean? I'm an agent, right? And I go, okay, come here, follow me. I go to the back door. And I go, just come into the. I'll get you Mitsu's seat. And I go, do you want a wine? And she goes, I would love some wine. I go, what would you like? I bought it because they didn't give it to me for free.


You paid for it?


I paid for her wine. Wow. Right? Gave her a wine. She saw whoever she needed to see, and when she was leaving, she goes, what's your name? And I go, Bobby Lee. She goes, you do go, yeah, I mean, I'm doing okay. I'm about to do premium blend or something. I don't know. You know what I mean?


That was a big deal.


Yeah. And she goes, okay. And then she leaves the agency that she's at, and now she's at Fox, right? And I'm auditioning for mad, right? And so at the end, the final audition for the test, it was between me and everyone's telling me, you're not going to get it. Taryn's getting it, right, because they want a white guy, and they only have one spot, but you're just the option, right? So I'm sitting there like, I don't think I'm going to get it. And I walk into the room, and as I walk into the room, because Taryn had just left, I see the sea of executives, because at that time, when you tested, you had to test in front of live so fucking worse. You have to audition for the executives and the president.


And they're just sitting in a room.


And they're staring at. And I already know I'm not going to get it. So they're just like, right. But as I walk in, that lady walks in with me, the fox lady, the lady that I helped in the parking lot. And then they go, some of the executives goes, hey, what are you doing here? She's not even supposed to be there. She goes, oh, I'm here to see his audition. Wow. And they go, oh. And as soon as I left the room, I got a call. I got it.




You can't say her name, but how wild.




Powerful. Do you still keep in touch with her?


No. I don't know what I think she got out of the business or whatever, but my point is that she's at.


Home right now watching this, being like.


I'm still in the business, but I just remember that.


That's powerful.


Yeah, just be nice.


You guys got any cool biz stories?




No biz stories?




Are you not no biz stories?




Rudy, because of the success of you on the show, have you ever gotten offered anything online? Like, has anybody said they want you for something?


No, nothing.


I'm shocked.


I'm shocked, too.


I would assume somebody would reach out and be like, hey, I want you to be a part of this thing. Yeah, well, listen here, directors, writers and producers, we'd love you to cast Rudy in something.


Or even Issa now.


Well, Issa's gonna be fine. Oh, yeah, we're worried about this one.


Also, if Issa, you come back and you live here, maybe you could be a part of the family.


She is a part of the mean.


But do this, you know. What, regularly.


Yeah, no. Yes, of course.


I want to talk about Joe Koi. Okay, I do.


But can I put on some chapstick?




Will you do sexy music while I do this?


Okay, go ahead. I love Joe Coy.


What the fuck? I said do some sexy music while I do this.


Oh, you want me to acapella?


Yeah, because he's going to zoom in on my face right now doing it. Go ahead. All right. Joe Koi. All right, Joe Koi.


I'm not done.


All right, so what do you want to say about Joe Coy?


What I want to say is that I thought he did a good job at the Golden Globe. I'll tell you why.


Joseph, Joseph, Joseph. You guys know Joe Coy, don't you?


He had ten days to do this thing, right? It was a risk. He did the best he could. I thought that they didn't do any him any favors in editing life. Okay. No, but what I'm saying is editing, like, cutting into the audience and seeing some reactions. That's what I meant.


Oh, right.


That's what I meant.




All right. They didn't do any favors for him. And it's like, cut into the person he's mentioning.


Go ahead, finish with.


No, I don't want to go.


No, finish. I don't want to continue, please. I want to hear.


You're really on my last nerve. I honestly want to believe. What I'm saying is that.


Dude, you're so fucking rude.


So rude.


You're so fucking rude. And so funny.


So funny.


Okay, go ahead.


Yeah. What I want to say is that because I've known Joe since the May.


I didn't say. What the fuck? I didn't say anything.


I think you made a noise.


I took a breath.




I hear you breathing into the mic all the time?


Okay, sorry. No, go ahead.


You've known Joe for a long time.


Yeah. And what I'm saying is that he's a hard worker. He's an extraordinary performer, and it was, like, a difficult circumstance. He was in ten days to take this gig on. What I'm saying is that I love him. He's such a talented guy. But here's the thing that people don't get. He's a super kind guy, too. And so I just by, I rewatched it, and I was just like, you know what, dude? I think he did a great job.


You watched it again?


I did.


Did Barbie win this time?


Anyway, Oppenheimer didn't win.


He got a lot of flak on.


My heart goes out to him. I love him so much, and he'll be back, and he's never going to go away, and he's going to kill it.


Well, nothing changed for him. He's a stand up.


Yeah, that's true. Anyway, this. You want to do a game? Yeah. Okay. We'll do renew.


Yeah. We want to see how good you would be in the business if you were in the business.




All right. So the rhythm would be nah nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah nah. Banana. Right? So try it.


Hi, I'm Rudy Jules, and welcome to Rudy News.




Very good.


Magundang aro kababayan. First tonight, a manila man named Hernando Guanlao turns his house into a library, and local patrons are forever grateful. Public libraries are rare in my country. For students Claire Micah Ogoy and Jane Rainfinida Mangnani's library is a significant aid in their studies. Masnakaka aliu po kase itoka. Social media and cell phone said ogoy. Thank you, Hernando. That's it with Rudy News. Again. That's it with Rudy news. I'm Rudy. Jules. Good night.


It's not you. You did great.


You did great.


Who did the writing? It's just not funny.


Was it supposed to be funny?


They're real news story. Yeah, but I thought at one point it was going to get crazy in it.


Yeah, and funny.


And funny. Yeah. We need a writer.


But he is a comedy writer.


Yeah, it's just the news. I know, but what we assumed you.


Were going to do was take the news and interject insanely wild shit.


Well, I thought it was already funny the way it was. Well, you're wrong.


Just the regular news. Don't take your headphones off.


Yeah. Where are you going?


What's that move?


Me mad at Bobby.


Are you going to make him use? You're going to make him fucking use? Be nice.


No. Sober. Dude. Dude, I'm so happy for your sobriety. Thank you. And I know you did your best.


But as a comedy writer.


Yeah, I was expected more like it to get so crazy that we would all be, like, laughing.


You copy and pasted the news?


Well, just the quotes, because I can't write that.


Yeah, you copy and pasted, though.


Not completely. I was reading it and then writing.


It out myself, too.


It wasn't plagiarized. It was going to go shamalama ding. You know, I what mean. And just do crazier words. You know what I mean?


Show bob that video, then. Show the video that I sent you.


Paul having me. And I'm very excited to pitch at degree fair.


That one's tough.


That's a tough one.


Go back to that real fast. That one's the toughest part.


Tough one.


Were you excited to pitch at me?


And I'm very excited to pitch at degree fair. Okay. Since he woke up that morning, he was repeating, wiggly field, wiggity field. Wiggy field. Wiggity wiggle. Wiggly field. Wig, wiggy field.


And the driver is like, wiggly field. And he's like, wiggly peeled wiggly peels. That's mean.


Okay, keep going.


They don't make us do that when we go over there.


What do you mean?


You know, when, like, basketball players go play overseas, they don't have to fucking learn the language to do a press conference. That's so hard.


Is there a word in Japanese that Americans can't say?


All of them. Everything. We can't speak Japanese.


Well, like, give me a little japanese modeling. I can think I can do.




Yeah. Issa could do it.


You can speak Japanese? Yeah, that's right. You were learning it last. Give me. Speak some Japanese. Say, hey, I'm so excited to be here in Los Angeles, America.




That's it. They really do everything. Really more efficient than I'm excited to be here in Los Angeles.


But saying totemo cofun stemas is like, I'm so very overly excited in a way that it's, like, sexual.




Say it again. I want to do that. I want to try to repeat that.


Yeah, let's see.


Can you do it?


Absolutely not.


Okay, do it again.


Try it again. I'm so excited.


That's good. Just say, I'm so excited to be here.


Just say to be here.


No. I have cocoa. I have cocoa. That's it. I have cocoa.


That's it.


That's it.


Coca Cola.


One more time. One more time.


Coconikuru. Kotoka.


So hard.


Cocoa. I don't understand how that's so hard to do.




As a 15 year old young person, as you're starting to come into. Looking forward into. Like, you're not a little kid. You're not a grown, grown up. Do you start to see the world in a way where you're thinking about what you might want to do in the world? What your contribution? What do you think you want to do in the world? I don't know, but does anything interest you like that? Are you like, you know, what I would do for a job would be fun.


I should be a scam artist.


Yeah, that's true. We did say that on this show. Yeah. I think that was bad to influence her to do that.


But, Izzy, what do you want to do?


What would be fun to be as your life?


I should be a.


Yeah, no, she.


Could sell a house. Yeah, sell us a wife. This is my.








I'm Babina.


What a beautiful house.


Very beautiful.


This was picked especially for you.


Wow. What do you mean? We literally just came here to open house.


No, you're supposed to tell me what you want and then.


No, it says open house. I'm Babina. This is my. Felipe.


I'm Felipe. That's Babina, my wife.


Yeah. So you instinctually know that this is our house?




Yeah. I can feel it from your bones.


You have the same name as my wife.




No. That's how I knew that you wanted this house.


Can I see your id real quick? Oh, my God. Sweetie, look. It is Babina.


Wow. Okay, miss? Well, how many bedrooms and how many bathrooms are.


This has six bedrooms.




That's a lot. Yeah, that's a lot. How many bathrooms?


How many bathrooms?


Four bathrooms.


Six and four. That's not bad.


How many square feet? You must know the property.


You've been here all day.


How many square feet?


Around? As much as you would want it to be.


What would that be?


What would that be? The specific number. Because.


How many do you think? Because we have certain furniture.


Let's ask my partner.


No, you have another partner named Babina?


No, her name's Poopina.


Hi, Papina.


Hi, Papina. Oh, she's deaf. Oh, she's a mute.


I mean, she's mute.


All right. So, Babina, how many square feet do you think it is? Just guess.


Maybe around them.


Just throw out a number. Throw out a number.


Okay. 10 sqft.


Wow. Wait, excuse me for a second. Can I ask something? Six bedrooms. Four bathrooms in 10. Insane.


This is how they do it in the Philippines.


In the Philippines. Wow. These rooms are so small.


This is unbelievable. Well, how big is the lot around it? How many square feet is the lot that we're on?




So 20 sqft.




How much is it?


How much is this house?


Well, do you want around pesos?


Well, dollars would be preferred.


30 mil.


$30 million square feet of land. Oh, my God. Six bedroom, four bed. Intense. Wow. 30 million.


30 million.


We got to kind of call our accountant.


I don't know if we could afford.


Yeah. Can you explain to me the school system? Because we have six kids.


Yeah. Oh, what kind of schools are in the area?


Well, the one near us actually had a shooting, so I wouldn't recommend shooting. Maybe the other closest one would be around 2 hours away.


2 hours away.


Wow. I think you're selling us. Yeah, I think you're selling it.


We do want to be away from everything.


How about crime?


Yeah, what's the crime rate out here?


A lot.


A lot. Tell us how much?


$30 million. House in a high crime area.


Yeah. 10 sqft. High crime. No school.


Six bed, four bath.


Six bed, four bath. Wow.


There are actually a lot of people that would try to carry your house, so you might want to be careful of that.


Carry it.


So it's portable.


Portable. So this is on wheels.


It's a portable house.


We are buying a portable $30 million.


House in a bad neighborhood that they can carry.


Is there Hoa fees? What does that cost?




Know what the Hoas are over here?




What do you think? Oh, there isn't any or there are because it says there's Hoa right on the flyer.


How much would that be? What is that, a month?


A month?


A month?




Maybe half.


30 mil a month.


So 15 million. Let me get this. Hoa fees.


15 million a month.


Wow. What a deal.


That's pretty good. Does that provide security of some kind?


Yeah, of course. There's actually poopina outside.


She comes with the house.


Comes with the house?


The house.




But she can't talk, so if something.


Bad happens, talk and fight. So she would try to sign the robber.


She would sign, go away, beware. Okay, dog.


Okay, I see.


All right. So are there any other offers on this house? Because we might be interested?




Are there competitors out there? Are people trying to buy this house?


There's a lot of people who, a lot of competition might want to buy it now.




Also people want to buy it right now. I see.


What percentage down payment do you require to buy this? What percent?


Yeah, around 90.


90% down payment.


So we need to fucking $25 million. Do we have 25? Liquid money, we do.


I just don't know if this is.


All we have, though.


25 million, 50 million a month. That's a lot for hoas.


Wow. Okay.


Can I be honest with you?




I think you got a future in real estate.


I do. That's great.


All right, so look, we're happy you're back. We're sad you're leaving. We hope when you come back, you come see us.




You know how we end the. We log off the show. So you want to say it?


Thank you for being a bad friend.








Woo? Death woo? Death woo?